#here’s the thing i have to post a release date every time bc the fear of disappointing people is what kicks my brain in

[fiveredlights]

putting it out into the universe that ch 4 of old habits will be done sunday so the anxiety mechanism in my brain will finally kick in and force me to work on it !

[nikolai-alexi]

Here’s a heartbreaking idea that invaded my brain at work today:

Marauders Band AU and Jegulus are exes because regulus was in school still and james + the boys got signed and were going on tour. Neither of them wanted to breakup, but in the days leading up to James leaving for tour, they got into some absolutely brutal fights; screaming, throwing shit at each other, words barbed with a fatal poison, the whole works.

So the tour starts, and James is heartbroken, devastated, and so, so, so angry. He’s around Sirius and Remus who are so disgustingly in love (though not without their own issues), and he misses Regulus far more than he wants to admit, but everytime he even thinks about calling him or texting him, he gets so angry that he just wants to destroy shit.

Then, he’s scrolling mindlessly through Instagram, and there’s a picture posted by Pandora in Paris of Regulus with Barty and Evan each kissing one of his cheeks. And yeah, he knows rationally that Barty is head over heels for Evan and that Regulus doesn’t think of Barty as anything other than a friend. But he can’t think rationally when Regulus looks so fucking happy being smushed between his best friends while James sits here, pursuing his dream and is completely miserable. He sees fucking red.

And there’s only so long that fury like that can go on for without an outlet. So when James sits down with his guitar, a song comes pouring out that encapsulates his anger and hurt, and if it’s more than a little bit vindictive, well, that’s his own business.

I think I forgot the things I've done

It's just good to be alive

And I could stand great before the sun

Though it's getting in my eyes

And how was Salt Lake City (París), dear?

Do you feel me?

'Cause now you let your heart get filled

With someone else's love

And now you let your head get held

In someone else's arms

And if I die tomorrow, babe, would you feel me?

Feel me?

'Cause you were only a little bit of light

And you were only a minute of my time

I don't miss you

I miss the way you made me feel

Like I lost part of me out there

My, my, my, my

When the space between our bodies disappeared

My, my, my, my

Even through the pain, I can't recall your face

Just the ache of knowing everything was gonna change

I got so close to love with you, my dear

But I don't miss you

I miss the way you made me feel

And there was something in the air

As we drove your parents' car

Fire we both knew was there

But couldn't bring ourselves to start

I scream the words inside your head

And hoped you'd feel me

Feel me

'Cause you were only a little bit of light

You were only a minute of my time

I don't miss you

I miss the way you made me feel

Like I lost part of me out there

My, my, my, my

When the space between our bodies disappeared

My, my, my, my

Even through the pain, I can't recall your face

Just the ache of knowing everything was gonna change

I got so close to love with you, my dear

But I don't miss you

I miss the way you made me feel

I know

That the moment I chase is a race that I've already lost

But it's long ago

And you were only afraid from fear of being alone

And I'm sure

That feeling, the ache is better than nothing at all

Feels like I lost part of me out there

My, my, my, my

When the space between our bodies disappeared

My, my, my, my

Even through the pain, I can't recall your face

Just the ache of knowing everything was gonna change

I got so close to love with you, my dear

I don't miss you

I miss the way you made me feel

And obviously Remus and Peter tell James over and over how bad of an idea releasing the song is, and Sirius stays firmly out of it, bc when James and Regulus started dating, Sirius said they’d have nothing to do with any spats between the two of them. But obviously, Sirius agrees with Remus and Peter. James doesn’t listen to any of them and releases it anyways. He’s hurting and angry and so tired of crying himself to sleep every night because he’s so used to falling asleep beside Regulus who isn’t fucking here.

Then Regulus hears the song, because he listens to everything The Marauders release, and instantly knows that James wrote that song about him. He’s absolutely livid. He books a plane ticket to wherever their next venue is, and gets a backstage pass from Sirius (who really wishes this drama saga wasn’t involving their brother and best friend because god damn they’d be LIVING for it if it wasn’t these two stupid ass mfs) for the sole purpose of punching his stupid ass (ex)boyfriend across the face.

Do they ever work their shit out? Who knows, I certainly don’t. But I thought of this and made myself sad on both of their accounts and I needed to share it.

[blaithnne]

Lauren Master Post

EDIT - this post has now reached the 100 links limit so I can’t update it anymore 😭 I will be creating an off site link portal at some point, but for now this list is incomple, still - enjoy what’s here!

Hello! So realised that if anyone wanted to learn about Lauren then they had to venture out on a scavenger hunt across my blog - so I made a Masterpost! This contains every single Lauren Post I’ve ever made, each sorted into their own categories! This post will be continuously updated as more content is made, so if you are viewing this on a reblog please check the original post to ensure it hasn’t been updated since that person reblogged it!

Some basic context, for anyone who’s completely new - Lauren is a Hilda OC of mine, she is Hilda’s older sister who ran away from home at the age of 13. Not all information about her has been ‘released’ yet, but I have plans for the future :)

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Canon

Everything in this section is 100% canon information, generally being at least somewhat important to her character and story

Updated Reference Sheet

Cream Design

Cream Naming

Jason Origin Post

Lauren Smokes

Bi Lauren

Lauren’s Time Away Info

Ages

Birth!

Lauren loves plants, amongst other hobbies

Pianist Lauren + What she wants most

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AU

Self Explanatory :)

Runaway Hilda*

Miraculous

Miraculous 2

Mumswap*

Mumswap Ref

More Mumswap

Harry Potter

My Little Pony

Sketchbook Fake Dating AU

*The Runaway Hilda AU is owned by the lovley @cinnamon-sparrow-scout!

*The Mumswap AU is owned by the wonderful @calebs-hangout-corner!

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Misc

Contains Asks, Shitposts, and Vaguely Canon Content. Posts being here doesn’t mean they aren’t canon, but they may be subject to change

Original Lauren Post/Reference

Jason and Lauren

Hilda and Lauren (Martial Arts)

April Fools 2020

Lauren Joins The God Damn Mafia??

Incorrect Quotes Generator

Poly Mum Content

Sadie Being An Accidental Genius

Hilda and Lauren 2

Lauren Breaks The Timeline lol

Misc Fact

Amogus

Name Origin and Fears

Safest Place

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Misc Art

I draw Lauren a LOT - so here’s all my drawings of her, in order of their creation

Outfit Meme

👉👈 🥺

Just Go To Bed

Mirror Selfie

Jason and Lauren Meet

Little and Broken

Self Confidence!

Title Card

Painting

Woah

Frank

Brainrot

Lauren With Her Hair Down

Traditional Sketches

Lauren Listens To Tøp lol

Lauren is Currently Listening To Tøp

Smoking Sketch

Reaction Image - Free To Use!

Happy Father’s Day?

Lesbian Lauren (no longer canon)

Premiering Never

Librarian Lauren

Outfit Meme 2, Suit Edition

She’s Just Sitting There

Wear Heelies To Escape Your Feelies

Catgirl Lauren Lmao

Like a Fun Alt Outfit Thing

Lauren But In MY CLOTHES!!

Freedom

Good Hair

Misc Sketches

She’s a deer now lol

Lauren vs An Ostrich

Phone Wallpaper

Mario?!

Tag ya spoilers

Happy One Year!

Moss Tik Tok (vids will get their own category if I make more :))

Lauren and Baba

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Concept Art

Not all of these concepts are true to the final designs, but some of them are!

Older Lauren

How The Hell Does Lauren’s Hair Work

Kid Lauren

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Screenshot Edits

Self Explanatory :)

Edit 1

Edit 2

Edit 3

Edit 4

Edit 5

Edit 6

Edit 7 (The Tide Mice!)

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Fan(?) stuff!

I feel weird calling this ‘fan’ stuff but I literally don’t know what else to call it lol. Anyways - this section contains content not made by me! I absolutely adore everything here and I’m so grateful that people like Lauren enough to make their own content for her!! I included everything here, from finished artworks, doodles, and a few incorrect quotes - bc I cry tears of joy whenever anyone makes anything abt her LMAO

Incorrect Quote 1

Incorrect Quote 2

I Think This Was The First Lauren Drawing Not Done By Me 😭😭

MERMAID LAUREN

B e h o l d

Beautiful Full Body Piece!

The Greatest Animatic Of All Time

Beautiful Drawing of Lauren and Hope!

TEAM BIG SISTER

Adorable sketch

Cool As Hell Mario Kart Chase

More Mario Kart >:)

Pokémon!

Insanely Cool Anime Esque Screenshot Art!

Incorrect Quote 3

Incorrect Quote 4

[bookofmirth]

Hi

I'm not up to date with all the drama in this fandom bc i tend to scroll past it. But being a reader of the books before I landed in these fandoms, I'm utterly shocked about how people treat eachother.

I'm very neutral on this stupid ship war going on. I tend to fall more for Elriel. But I understand everyone's opinion. I used to read all the book analysis, but now it just seems so exhausting. I get that people love books and ship different people. That's normal, everyone has different taste etc i'm just here trying to understand why we need to bring other human beings down in order to push our own narrative.

Since when is it okay to do that???? Can't we have a normal conversation without sending death treats?

I normally don't really respond to anything that involves drama. But these last couples of months have gotten me to dislike the books more and more solely because of these, may I call them blandly, horrible people.

And i'm very sad to have to admit that i'm also getting sick of the art of the multiple ships. Which that's horrible because I love what all these amazing artists create. But the hate they receive and the comments just make me hate it all more,this whole fandom with all these toxic people ruining it for me personally.

Can't we all just agree that we like these books, and respect eachother as human beings, no matter what everyone else thinks? And maybe wait and see what the author writes? In the end it are still her books and she will have the final say in everything.

I wish SJM would release the next book sooner so all this hate would stop, then again i don't know if it will stop. They will likely continue and probably bother SJM too...

Thank you for listening to me ranting, you always seem very nice to people with different opinions, so I thought i might as well rant a bit too.

Have a lovely day!!

Hello! Thank you for this message! I think it's really helpful for people to see because they can see the impact of the things they are doing and saying in the fandom. There are a lot of people who feel comfortable being vocal in the fandom, but I gotta say, if I were just joining now, I'm not sure that would be me. I wonder how many people walk in, take a look around, and walk the fuck back out. I probably would.

I got on my soap box a little bit because I was thinking about some of the things you've said!

I was just talking with some friends, some of whom I've been in the fandom with since 2017, some who are newer. And we all 1000% agree with you. It's so, so frustrating that the fandom has gotten so nasty to the point where we've become so separated from each other that we can't have a single civil conversation. Where people of color don't feel safe, and where a lot of the fandom doesn't even seem to care about that.

When I first joined the fandom, there were definitely people who shipped one way and people who shipped another, but we were still able to have conversations with each other. There would be these really, really long posts that were chains of people commenting on posts and reblogging, then someone adding on their thoughts, then op would respond, etc. Yeah, the posts were super long to scroll through, but there was so much engagement, ya know? And it was genuine, too. We could disagree or say "hey OP I like this point, but have you thought of X?" And it was great! (I even have a tag for it, #long post tag, because I once got an anon who was annoyed at how long my conversations with people would be 💀so I made that tag for people who wanted to block those posts.)

I'm not going to pretend it was perfect - there were definitely people I didn't get along with. But that wasn't a fandom thing, that was just a personality thing. And I never in a million years expected those people to fly off the handle and start attacking me anon, or to ss my posts to make fun of elsewhere. Now, that's a constant fear hanging over everyone's heads.

It has created an extreme echo chamber. I would genuinely like having those old fandom discussions where people would comment - in the open, on reblogs - and then we could all engage in that discussion in public. Now, all of that discussion happens in private, in groupchats and Discord. And don't get me wrong, Discord is super fun. But it also means that 1) people who aren't in those groups have no idea wtf is going on when we vague, although I try not to do that anyway, and 2) when people are in those groups they egg each other on to be worse and worse. Worse than they would have been if they were on their own and didn't feel like they had a group of people there to support their asshole behavior. tbh, I have to check myself sometimes and think, "would I do this if I hadn't just gotten into a rant conversation with friends on Discord?"

And what you said about fan art, it's so frustrating!!! Since when did fan art become a battle ground??? Since when did the appearance of fan art = a win for one ship or the other?? Why can't the comments of those arts ever just be nice and appreciative of the work someone has put into it? Honestly, it makes me paranoid to write fanfic, too! I mean, is that next???

I totally agree with you that we should be able to respect each other as people. We used to be able to do that. I hate to admit it, but I have so many people blocked now because I just don't trust them. I don't trust them to be civil, I don't trust them to be able to see my posts, I don't trust them to even read what I've written without misconstruing everything I've said.

I'm not sure if people realize that there is a big difference between this:

I don't like X ship

And this:

People who like X ship are delusional

The first one is okay! It's normal! Like you said, we all have feelings and interpretations and stuff we would prefer to see or not see!

The second one, not okay! Stop insulting people, people!!!!

The idea of engaging in a normal, healthy debate with a huge portion of the fandom is such a foreign concept to me at this point, and it never used to be. There could be a lot of reasons for this. And I always try to avoid pointing fingers because I know that not everyone is like that, though I'm sure I have slipped into that from time to time.

I think it would help if we stop seeing each other as a gwynriel or an elucien or an elriel, and start seeing each other as individuals. When acosf first came out, I started noticing a trend where people would send me asks and write them as if they were writing to every single person who ships elucien, or as if they were writing to every single person who holds a certain opinion about Azriel. It was really confusing at first, and I'm gonna request that the fandom stop doing that altogether, to everyone. If you want to engage with someone, engage with that person, not your idea of who they are and what they think.

I'm down for conversations where we talk about the series and what might come next as possibilities, because that's all this is, so far. Anyone who says that "X thing will never happen" is making some bold claims, and it's really off-putting to people who know that that's not why we are here. It's not a contest where we "win" canon. It's fandom, where we talk about what we like and what we don't like and what we want and cross our fingers and hope.

EDIT I wanted to add on one thing - a lot of this behavior is incredibly shocking and disgusting and I think that we, as a fandom, need to be better at 1) calling it out, and 2) not assuming that whoever did X horrible thing represents all people from that corner of the fandom.

I hope that you have a lovely day as well! And that the fandom doesn't get you too down. @heleencollier

[whattheflameo]

Tonight I Wanna Cry

This’ll be posted on AO3 as soon as they send me my invite, since I have somehow never made an account, but until then, Imma post it here bc I need the distraction of forcing myself to edit.

Kya drops the plates into the cupboard with a bit less care than she probably should, but nothing breaks and the clatter makes her feel a little bit better. She slams the door shut for that simple satisfaction, too, before stomping her way into the living room and grabbing the laundry basket.

She and Lin have just had their first... well, not fight. More like disagreement. 

Kya had brought up trying to schedule a date night, again, and Lin had been unable to give her a set date, again. They haven’t had a proper date since Kya moved in to Lin’s apartment a month ago. She’s really not asking for much, Kya thinks as she grumpily folds a set of leggings, just wants an evening out with her girlfriend. And Lin could at least have the decency to say that she’s busy, rather than hedging with another "I don’t know, Kya, I need to check my schedule..." and never following through. The date could be in a month, for all Kya cares, as long as there’s some acknowledgment it is going to happen.

After the fifth try, Kya had finally called her out on it. Lin had immediately gone on the defensive, which had in turn put Kya on the defensive. The conversation had devolved into snapping back and forth before Kya had thrown up her arms and declared it over. She’d gone back to putting away dishes, and Lin had stalked off to their bedroom to do something or other. 

She folds the rest of the laundry in a huff, letting it fall slightly more rumpled than she knows Lin prefers. But when she’s finished, she crosses her arms and looks down at the piles and can’t bring herself to leave them. So she sighs heavily and refolds everything more neatly, and keeps thinking about Lin as she does. She knows Lin’s job is demanding. She had known that going into this. And yes, she’s frustrated, but there are more productive ways to go about explaining that then making veiled, vaguely-aggressive statements. Especially when dealing with Lin. Before Kya knows it, it’s been an hour since they had stormed away from each other, and she’s absentmindedly refolded the same tank top a dozen times. 

Lin isn’t going to be the first one to apologize. She’s been working on her emotional constipation, and Kya’s been helping, but they’re not that far yet. So, picking up the folded laundry as an excuse, Kya makes her way to the bedroom.

Lin is sitting on the bed with her back to the door. She doesn’t say anything, and Kya breathes a sigh of relief. She had halfway expected to be thrown out before even making it through the door. Lin’s shoulders and back are absolutely rigid with tension. One of her hands is up by her face, as though she’s holding her forehead like she does when she has a headache.

"Um, hey," Kya greets eloquently. Just because she’s better at this than Lin doesn’t mean its easy. She crosses over to the wardrobe to put away the laundry. "Does your head feel okay?"

Lin doesn’t respond.

"Do you want me to get you some tea? Or do you want me to try and heal it?" Kya tries again. When she still receives no answer, she turns around and puts a hand on her hip. "Look, Lin, I know we argued but-" 

She stops as she really looks at her girlfriend. From this angle, the side of Lin’s face is exposed. She’s grimacing, teeth clenched together and eyes shut tight against the actual tears that are running down her face. Her entire body is as tense as her back was; it doesn’t even look like she’s breathing. "Lin? Lin, Spirits, what-" 

Kya is across the room in a heartbeat. She kneels beside the bed and rests a hand over Lin’s where its fisted into the comforter almost unnaturally tightly. Her heart aches as she realizes that rather than holding her forehead, Lin’s other hand is cradling her scars in a comfort habit she rarely allows herself.

The only thing that could possibly have caused this is their argument. Kya is more than willing to label it that if it has this much of an effect on Lin. She can count on one hand the number of times she’s seen her cry, nearly all of them as children. Back then, Lin crying had been an earth-shattering event. Literally. If she was upset enough to cry, the ground around her would quake with emotion. Air Temple Island still bears the scars. This... this isn’t that. Every inch of Lin is deathly still. There’s no sobs, no shaking, no shouting or storming or any of the things Kya once associated with an upset Lin. She wonders for a moment what in the world could have caused such a dramatic shift, but then realizes its unsurprising considering the Lin she knows now.

This Lin has spent years of her life constructing a steel wall around herself. Has crafted a nearly-perfect facade of the immovable chief. Has had to force her emotions aside time and time again to protect those around her and do her duty. This Lin holds herself stoic until her emotions are suffocated like a flame, until she can control them again and pretend they were never there in the first place. But even a trapped flame leaves smoke, and even stifled pain looses tears. 

Kya’s heart shatters at the thought. "I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how much that upset you." 

"I-" Lin tries, but she can’t seem to finish. "I’m fine-" 

"You are not fine. I can practically feel your shoulders locking. And if it’s about anything other than our conversation, feel free to tell me otherwise."

Lin visibly takes a breath, forcing her features into a more neutral expression and avoiding Kya’s eyes. "I’m sorry," she says next. Her voice is so strained Kya’s own throat aches with sympathy. "You don’t have to stay. It’s not what you signed up for."

Spirits. Is that what this is about? 

It’s too much. Kya moves up onto the bed, declares "I’m going to hug you," and gives her girlfriend ample time to move away before throwing her arms around her and tucking her into her chest. Lin doesn’t resist, but she doesn’t relax, either. "I’m not going anywhere. We had a fight, Lin. That doesn’t mean I’m leaving."

She’s met with silence. After a moment, she can feel Lin’s jaw shift as it clenches again. There’s the soft dampness of tears against her neck. Kya rests her chin atop Lin’s head. "It’s okay. You’re allowed to be upset about it. You’re allowed to cry, Love." She strokes a hand through Lin’s hair, and Lin lets out a shuddering breath. A fraction of the tension releases from her shoulders. Her arms eventually come up to grip at the back of Kya’s shirt. It’s not the breaking of the dam that Kya had secretly hoped for, but thirty years of habit are hard to unlearn in one night, so she counts it as a win that Lin is no longer actively trying to force her tears away.

Later, they’ll talk about it. Lin will tell her she’s sorry again, that she knows quality time is important to Kya but that a confidential issue at work has been keeping her too busy this month. That she’s been hedging the question because she’s afraid Kya will leave when she realizes just how little time Lin has. Kya will explain her worries, how she’s started to feel like Lin’s ignoring her concerns. That she knows there will be times that a case keeps Lin away, and that it’s okay as long as Lin is honest with her and just tells her about it. She’ll repeat, as many times as it takes, that even if Lin feels the need to hide from the rest of the world, she can’t hide her fears and emotions from Kya if they want this to work. That she doesn’t need to hide them from Kya anyways. There will be hugs and tea and compromises and hopefully some mind-blowing make-up sex. Lin may even promise to take a few days off to spend together after this case is closed. 

For now, Kya holds her girlfriend, and rocks them back and forth, and silently curses the world that has beaten Lin into not being able to release her emotions, and keeps reassuring her that it’s okay to cry. 

[random-mha-thoughts]

Name (Todoroki x Reader)

Pairing: Todoroki x fem!Reader

Anon asked: “suggestion for Todoroki angst : he got in an arranged marriage with S/O because of his dad who offered a large amount of money to her family for this. Indeed it’s not what they are both looking for but Todoroki really acts cold, is sharp, openly criticizes her (a bit OOC ik) ... S/O is hurt but is still trying to be a good wife around the house to make the best of the situation and hide her insecurities. It’s just an idea, if it does not inspire you I hope you will find something better!! xx

Genre: Angst. Just...angst. I’m so sorry in advance plz don’t hate me

Warnings: Grab your tissues, this is a long roller coaster that’s only going downhill OH GOD I’M SO SORRY

Word count: 3,059

Tags:  @yuki-osaki​ @liviitehe​ @iamsoftsodonttoucheume-blog​ 

a/n: (Submission 1/3 for my post asking for todo angst ideas!  Thanks for the ask anon!)

Um. This is...depressing.  Really depressing and really intense.  I didn’t expect it would turn out this way.  But it did.  I had 2 other endings, but I instinctively wrote this one.  I actually had to stop and cry for a few minutes because it was just really painful I mean, I know I said I was ready to but I didn’t actually mEAn it

I tried a different style for this, but I think it suits the story well.  It’s 3rd person limited because I wanted you to experience everyone’s feelings in this (gotta maximize on the angst yknow) and half past tense bc of reasons you’ll find out.

God I’m afraid to post this. Is it bad that I love it, I honestly spent so much time writing this, but it hurts sO mUch?? Y’all are gonna hate me, you’re gonna kill me, oh no, just read the thing already, I’m hiding.

Buy me a coffee?

Shoto didn't know how to react to the news.  It's not that he had his eye on anyone in particular, or that he was even interested in marriage for that matter.  But because he proposed it, the man who had spent his entire childhood controlling every aspect of his life, he refused to accept any other intrusions from the man he should call "father."

The strange man across from his father spoke those words so casually.  "So Endeavor, when are these two tying the knot?"

At first, he thought he had misheard or misunderstood.  And then his father responded just as casually, "The date is set for next month."

The normally calm and collected boy almost burst the entire room into flames.  He clenched the silverware so hard his knuckles turned white and his teeth ground together, but he couldn't say anything in front of his father's guest and his daughter for fear of shaming himself.  The girl across from him offered a sympathetic look, but he turned away, already preparing the earful he's going to give his father.

-

"I want nothing to do with this!" he whirled on Endeavor as soon as they were home.  "You've made my life a living hell controlling every single thing!  And now you even want to control my marriage?!"

"I'm doing this for you!" Endeavor bellowed right back.  "For the Todoroki name!  For your future!"

"This is all for you!  I want no part-!"

"If you don't agree, you'll never see your mother or the siblings again."

The calm threat was enough to drench Shoto's wrath into submissive fear.  The flaming monster in front of him proved once again that he hasn't an ounce of sympathy for his blood.  He's learned that family is the only thing keeping his son under his thumb and he still actively exploits that weakness.

All the boy can do is swallow and walk away, retreating to the outside world to escape his bitter reality even temporarily.  Shoto doesn't have outbursts often, but there are times when the straw finally breaks the camel's back, and this is one of them.  All he can do is run until he can't run anymore, reaching somewhere secluded enough where he can burst out in flames and ice without hurting anyone, finally getting to a forest where he can do exactly that and scream to his heart's content.  It's the only thing he can do that is under his own control.

In the month that followed up to the wedding, Shoto barely spoke a word to anyone, choosing to isolate himself.  He only came out when he absolutely had to show his face at functions to the bride's family and look presentable.  His mind was always absent, the time flying in a blur of colors and white.  Thankfully, his father did the preparations, so all he had to do was go along with everything.  Shoto was simply playing a role in a play or movie, he was an actor who deserved an award for being in character for a month.

The night of the wedding, he and his newly-wedded wife were whisked away to their new home, being alone for the first time together.  He didn't even know what she looked like nor did he care.  As soon as they walked through the door of their already-furnished house, he released a heavy breath, brushed past her, unbuttoned his tuxedo, and - cold as his ice quirk - instructed, "I'm going to bed.  Don't come up tonight."  It was the first time he had ever spoken directly to her.

His wife, through this entire ordeal, was patient with him.  She didn't want this arrangement either, but she figured they could at least talk and come to a mutual agreement.  The entire month, she never pushed him to speak to her.  She anticipated that he would be rational about this, as she was told by her family, and that they would be able to talk things over when they were finally alone.  Just as she was going to speak her mind the way she had rehearsed it many times, he dismissed her.  She was hurt, but she understood.  He's exhausted after a whole month of stress and preparations, she rationalized, He just wants to rest.  I wouldn't want to talk to a stranger after all that either.

Resolving to try again tomorrow morning, she undressed (with great difficulty), crept into the master bedroom for her clothes while Shoto showers, retrieved her pajamas quietly, and retreated back to the living room.  The girl searched all the closets for a thick enough blanket and settles down to sleep on a couch, the exhaustion putting her right to sleep.

The next morning, the new Mrs. Todoroki woke up bright and early to make breakfast for her husband as an olive branch.  She toiled away in the kitchen, somewhat making a racket even though she wanted to stay quiet so Shoto can sleep.  Just as she finished setting the table and had to face the question of how to wake him, the boy padded down from the room.

"Oh, morning!" she smiled brightly at him.

He murmured a greeting back only to be polite, his face devoid of any real emotions other than coldness.  He sat as far away from her a possible, thanking her for the meal halfheartedly and digging in without another word.

After waiting a few moments to let him satisfy his hunger, she cleared her throat.  "So, um-"

"Your tamagoyaki needs more soy sauce and butter," he stated bluntly.

She blinked at the harsh comment.  It was shocking he said anything to her at all, and the first thing he said was an insult.

"And the miso has no flavor," he continued in the same tone.

The girl finally gathered her wits.  "I'll do better tomorrow.  Thanks for the feedback, I guess?" she laughed nervously, trying to erase the immense tension Shoto bled into the atmosphere.  When he didn't respond, she tried again.  "I know this isn't something either of us wanted, but that doesn't mean we have to live here like enemies.  We could be friends, or even just roommates!"

"I'd rather be strangers," he interjected harshly.

It felt like a stab in the heart.  Here she was, trying to make their lives somewhat bearable together through their common misfortune, and all he wanted to do was live like ghosts in the same house.

Shoto placed his chopsticks down firmly, glaring her straight in the eyes with the iciest hatred she's ever seen.  "Just to be clear, I want no part of you.  You live your life and I live mine.  You can have the bedroom to sleep at night if you want, but it's mine when I come home to shower and prepare for bed.  We will not sleep, talk, or breathe near each other as long as we are in this house."

She dipped her head in defeat, unable to bear the weight of his stare.  "C-Can we at least have our meals together?" she asked feebly.

It's something he respected, coming from family values no matter how broken.  It's the only exception he made to their less-than relationship.

Months passed and she kept her end of the bargain through a suffocating routine.  At first, the girl was kind, trying to get him to open up to her somehow without overstepping her boundaries.  She made excuses for him constantly.  He's just tired.  The least I can do is leave him alone.  I can't comfort him anyway, I'm a stranger.  He's still upset about the whole thing, he'll come around.  She even begged her boss to let her leave a little early every day to make sure she had ample amount of time to get home, shower, and prepare dinner before Shoto returned.  When he did, he wordlessly showered, sat down to dinner, nitpicked at her cooking, finished eating, and went to sleep on the living room couch, all without even sparing her a glance.

But as every day passed, she grew more weary and worn in her efforts to please him.  She tried to fix every little complaint Shoto had about her cooking or the cleanliness of the house or the laundry, but nothing seemed to satisfy him.  She tried to hold onto the silver lining.  At least he never touched me wrong or took advantage of me, she would think bitterly.  He has the decency not to take his anger out on me.

Then the dark thoughts closed in as he continued ignoring her. Surely, Shoto's only disgusted with his father, he doesn't harbor hatred for her personally.  Then she would remember the hate and disgust in his mismatched eyes the first day of their marriage.  She realized no matter how desperately she tried, he wouldn't show her any signs of warmth or appreciation.  No more did she try to make conversation with him during meals or greet him when he came home.  There were days she thought, Why should I even try?  He wouldn't like it either way.  What's the point of getting up today?  Maybe he'll even criticize how I sleep.  But she still rose out of bed every morning and carried out her routine because it could always be worse.

A sliver of hope came in the form of Shoto's birthday.  The girl figured if she did something just a little special, he would acknowledge her even the tiniest bit.  She spent days beforehand researching and testing out the perfect cold soba recipe because she knew it was his favorite.  She lit some candles on the table and bought a small cake for them to share.

When he came home, she was sure he would notice and say something, but he didn't; he went straight up to the bathroom as he usually did without a word.  Though she felt the glimmer lessen in her heart, she didn't give up.  For the first time in a while, she verbalized her thoughts to him.

"I made your favorite for your birthday!" she chirped as he sat down, setting the plate and a cup of dipping sauce in front of him.  She was so eager for him to try it because she was confident she'd gotten it right this time.  If she were a dog, her tail would've wagged in anticipation as he slurped the noodles into his mouth.  She waited patiently for his feedback, leaning forward in excitement as he swallowed.

"The noodles are slightly overcooked.  And the dipping sauce is too strong, you didn't add enough water."

Her hopes came crashing to a halt.  She couldn't even muster anything else to say as he hastily finished his dinner and rose to leave.

She stood up, heart hammering in her chest.  "What about the cake?"  Anything, something!

"I don't want it."  He turned his back to her.

"I got it for you!"  It was the first time she explicitly stated her intentions, the first time she made herself vulnerable.

"You shouldn't have gotten it at all.  It was a waste of time.  Why did you even try?"  The calm and cold words stung her as he got up and left her in the dining room alone.

His words echoed against the empty walls of the dining room.  She looked down at the cake he disregarded, feeling cold and dizzy.  She took a shaky breath in and out before resting her head on the cold glass table to stabilize herself.  The voice stabs through her even as she closed her eyes to block them out.

It was then she felt bluntly in her mind.  He hates me.  

-

The girl feels nothing but numbing cold, both on her face and inside.  Rolling up to sit, her neck and back cry out in soreness from sleeping on the table, pale light greeting her from the nearby window.  Her face feels strange, and she trudges to the bathroom mirror to check why.  She knows she should be preparing for work, but what's the point?  Her reflection reveals lines across her cheek, probably from sleeping on the edge of the table.  She shuffles to the kitchen because she should probably start breakfast, but why should she?  Leaning against the counter, she can't bring herself to move anywhere.  Her brain buffers as she tries to force herself to think of what to do now.  She doesn't feel sick, but there's a dull, cool feeling in her limbs that she can't face.

The phone rings, catching her off guard.  Glancing at the number, she doesn't hesitate to answer.  "Hello?"

"Hi, baby.  It's me."

Her eyebrows relax, appreciating the sound of a familiar voice.  "Hey, Mom.  What's up?"  She knows her voice sounds weak, she's hoping the woman can't hear it.

"I'm just checking in, you haven't called in a while.  Is something up?  You don't sound good."

"I'm...fine," she stumbles over the word.  "How's dad?"

"He's doing well.  You sure you're not sick, sweetie?"

"I'm not."  She leans her back on the counter.

"Is Shoto there?  How is he?"

And just like that, she feels something dislodge in her throat.  "He's going to work, he probably left early."  She doesn't know, there hasn't been any rustling in the house.

Her mom is silent for a while.  "Tell me the truth.  What happened?"

The sound of her mother's stern voice moves something in her chest.  "It's nothing, I just made a mistake."

"Doing what?"

"I tried making Shoto's favorite dish for his birthday yesterday.  I put so much time and energy into perfecting it for him to enjoy it, but I fell short again."  She laughs bitterly, tears starting to fill her eyes.  "He didn't even want the cake I got for him, he said it was a waste.  I shouldn't have bothered with it."  She blinks and a tear slides down her face.  "I don't know why I was expecting something different to happen, I'm so stupid."

"Honey, where is this coming from?  What's going on?"

She wipes her face, but more spill out of her eyes as she slides down the cabinet onto the cold floor.  "It's just a little frustrating when you're sharing a house with someone you're married to and they barely acknowledge you.  I mean, I expected there to be problems at first given the circumstances, but I didn't expect this."  Her voice shakes with every word.  "God, what did I do to deserve this?  I've lived in this house for 5 months, and never has he even said 'thank you' to me.  Hasn't breathed a word of appreciation to me.  I do so much for him.  I've bent over backwards for him just to make everything done the way he wants it, I've worked my entire routine, my entire life in this house to cater to him, but all he does is complain!"  She sobs into the phone, curling up into a ball as tremors wrack through her body.  "I'm just so tired.  I don't know how much more I can take.  I've made so many excuses for him, but I just can't do anything right.  Why am I even still here?"

Her mother is silent on the other line.  "My baby, if I knew this would happen, I wouldn't have allowed this marriage.  I can't believe you're going through this."

The girl can't formulate words or think anything coherent.  She drops the phone out of her hand, wrapping her legs to her chest as the tremors continue in waves, muffled whimpers the only thing escaping her lips because she's afraid to cry out loud despite being in an empty, lonely house.

-

Shoto heard something he probably shouldn't have, but he definitely needed to hear.  It bothered him for the rest of the day.  It was a sobering slap in the face that made him feel shame and regret, a hard-to-swallow pill that sat in his stomach the entire day.

On his way back home, the sound of her sobs echoes in his mind.  He curses his behavior from the past few months.  At the very least, he made a lady cry, and at the most, he's been a complete asshole.  It's all his fault, that is something he's completely aware of and is ready to take full responsibility for.  All this time, he was stupidly neglecting her out of spite for his father, but he broke her in the process.  He's angry that he had to hear her crying to realize that.  The only thing he can do now is hurry home to profusely apologize for what he's done and hope they can start over new and she forgives him, which he's prepared for her not to do.

Honestly, he deserves all the hate from her that he's shown her.  After everything she's done for him and all the effort she's put into their imbalanced relationship, he wouldn't be surprised if she yelled at him and called him all sorts of names.

Shoto walks through the door, the atmosphere different.  The house is quiet as usual, but it's more eerie than he remembers, as if that means anything with how aloof he was.  He slips into the bedroom and changes quickly, returning back to the quiet dining room where his dinner waits for him at his place.

He tentatively sits and spares a quick glance at the girl who's supposed to be his wife.  Her eyes are still puffy and she's tugging at her sleeves.  It seems she's avoiding him and he was avoiding her before.  He questions how things should start.   When is the right time to speak his piece.  Would she listen to him now?  He decides to take a bite first and chews slowly.  I guess a 'thank you' is a good place to start-

"We're getting a divorce."

He stops suddenly, almost choking.

"You don't owe me anything, and I don't want anything from you."  She isn't looking at him, voice calm and collected.  "Besides, it's better this way since it's what you wanted."  She rises from her seat smoothly.  "I've already packed for the next few nights.  I'll have some workers come in the following weeks to clear out the rest, and the papers will be delivered promptly."  Her footsteps recede from the room.

Shoto turns around to call out to her, and his minds comes up blank.

He never even bothered to remember her name.

~

Sequel?

Sequel!

[lunarrwolf]

black butterflies [colby brock]

fandom: sam and colby/traphouse

pairing: colby x self

word count: 1,963

part(s): one

summary: after a prank gone wrong, colby and his friends meet another youtuber during her meet and greet in hopes it will cheer her up

A/N: this is a self-insert because it’s a fic that was started for my own personal pleasure. it was supposed to be shared last year on my fan account after a poll was done but never was bc i ended up not feeling ready to do so. i figured since i‘m ready to share it now, it would be best to do it here since it’s pretty detailed

ONE

“What’s up guys?! It’s your girl Kirsy here, and today we’re going to be entering Freetown State Forest. Otherwise known as The Cursed Forest of Massachusetts.” The girl looked into her camera brightly, the excitement of finally being able to explore her home state’s most bizarre places setting in as she recorded.

“Wait - cursed? You didn’t say anything about that.” Her best friend and roommate exclaimed, red locks shaking as quickly as her head was. Casey had been interrupted during a well credited movie of theirs when her friend decided she wanted to go out and take advantage of the fact that neither of them had any plans for the weekend. And as usual in their two bedroom home, no morning schedules meant the freedom to explore the best-worst possible places and capture it all on film for both social network and personal use.

“Didn’t I?” Kirsy chimed, turning the camera toward her roommate who only glanced into the object before shooting her friend the middle finger. She laughed and followed the retreating figure toward the path that would eventually lead them into the actual forest. It was a widened road of dirt and rocks, causing the two of them to nearly trip every so often. The sun was just beginning to set, so the scenery on the other side of the camera was something the green haired girl was glad she was able to capture as she filmed. They continued to walk down the barren path for about forty-five minutes - trees starting to surround them after a half hour - and by then the sun had set quickly without notice and the night began. She could hear Casey muttering about how the place was significantly creepier, and an idea popped into her head. She turned the camera to herself and glanced up to make sure no attention was being brought to her before looking into the lens. “So we’ve been walking for nearly an hour. Casey is already kind of freaked out because of how dark it is, so as her best friend I thought it would be fun to do a little prank on her.”

“What are you doing?” She looked up to meet the narrowed eyes of the redhead that caught her speaking lowly to the camera.

Casey’s eyes didn’t falter from their current state as she continued to glare at the other girl. “Kirsy, I swear if you’re planning something-”

Kirsy scoffed, “What would I be planning out here? Your murder? No thanks - too much work.” She finished off, laughing lightly at the expression she received before the girl with reddish brown locks turned back to survey their surroundings. Kirsy did the same thing for the following ten minutes of their walk. The only sounds they heard so far were forest animals and the wind rustling through the loose leaves of the trees. There was the occasional crunch or branch snapping, which unnerved both of the girls until they would see some small critter scattering to another bush or inside a hole somewhere. She really wanted to pull a practical joke on her friend after not being able to do one on her the whole month she’d been gone on a trip prior to this night. It seemed to be quiet enough to where she wouldn’t really suspect a thing. As long as comments were made from behind her, Casey wouldn’t notice.

She took the opportunity when they were nearing a fork in the pathway and jokingly said something about the atmosphere of the place that would make her friend give her a knowing look. And that was just what happened. However, when Casey turned around, the main star of the channel the video would be posted on was nowhere to be seen. She turned in a full circle slowly, being even more aware and extremely careful where she stepped so she wouldn’t disrupt the sudden silence of the area. “Kirsy.. Kirsy.” She hissed out, moving toward the edge of the path. “I swear to god if this is one of your pranks-” A twig snapped from directly beside her once she got to the natural line that separated a way back to civilization from unpredictable darkness. Her heart was pounding, and tears were springing in her eyes. It had been too long of a time since her last appearance in one of her friend’s scary videos; she forgot how frightening things could get within minutes or hours of arriving somewhere.

There was an obnoxiously loud rustling coming from the same direction, and she approached the bushes to her right cautiously. Reaching a reluctant arm out, she started to move stuff away from her so she could peer behind the plant. As her face got closer, someone jumped out and screamed a scream that was deadly enough to be included in a horror film. “Shit!” Casey jumped back, almost falling to the ground if she hadn’t been able to balance herself.

She glared up at the girl who was trying hard to hold on to the camera as she held her stomach in laughter. “Holy crap, you should’ve seen your face!”

“Dude. What the fuck!” Casey stood back up and snatched the camera away from her friend, marching away as she ignored the calls of the hysterical girl running to catch up.

-

A small group of friends sat on the leather couch in the living room, watching a fellow YouTuber explore a haunted forest with only one other person. It was entertaining to say the least - the amount of times the media influencer messed with her friend was endless, and it only got better when payback would be put into order. One of the darker haired males shook his head, a smile on his face as he shared an amused look with his friends. “I need to marry this girl.”

“Marry who?”

Brennen looked up to see a brunette enter from upstairs, looking at the group of them with curiosity written all over their faces. “Kirsy, dude. Not only is she rocking the new hair, but she obviously knows how to have fun.” Colby didn’t hesitate to join the others on the couch once he heard the name. She was very well known in their industry; a skyrocketing vlogger who stuck to the same several categories of videos and never failed to deliver quality content. She was known to go above and beyond for her fans after having been one herself for years before deciding to dive into the world of explorations. At a recent milestone of 500,000 subscribers, she not only released new merch, she also scheduled a last minute meet and greet that had the sidewalks and almost half of the central park of Boston flooded with local fans of hers. She was someone the members and friends of the trap house admired, as she wasn’t afraid to be herself even when others put her down and criticized the way she behaved on camera.

“Guys, check it out. She added something at the end of this.” Jake brought the guys’ attention back to the computer from their phones. She wasn’t smiling and didn’t hold a bright aura like she usually did when adding bits recorded after her adventures. When she spoke it sounded normal, but after having watched her for the past three years, the boys knew when something was off. They watched the girl give the lens a wry smile before clearing her throat, glancing away as she dove right into the point of the additional bit.

“So this part was recorded a couple of nights after we went into the forest. Casey hasn’t been with me since we got back.” She started off. “I did realize after the fact that she was genuinely mad at me, and I do feel really bad about it. She’d been gone for a month before then. Which meant she didn’t have to deal with abandoned houses, restless spirits, or me and my stupidity - so she wasn’t prepared to be brought back into the swing of things so quickly. I take full responsibility for any actual fear I caused her, and I want to apologize for doing this to her right as she got back from what I know was a good, relaxing trip for her. I did apologize off camera as soon as I caught up with her and she did say she forgave me. However, she uh- she won’t be in videos anymore. And I’m going to be honest with you guys...” She trailed off, and Colby’s heart lurched when he noticed the glossiness in her eyes, “I don’t know where our friendship stands. We know each other’s limits, and while I didn’t go too far, I think she just got tired of me doing all of this. So... yeah.” She gave a dry chuckle, tugging at the end of her sleeves.

“Damn.. she must be crushed right now.” Mike commented, glancing between his friends as they all gave their agreements.

“I can’t even imagine possibly losing you guys.” Sam added.

“And over a prank - Casey’s pretty cold.” Corey brought in, changing his position on the couch and leaning forward when the girl began to speak again.

“Anyway, I’m sure you guys didn’t keep watching just to see me get all emotional. So on to the good news!” The green haired girl continued, clapping her hands together and smiling brightly at the camera as if nothing happened. Still, they could see the look in her eyes, and it was unsettling to see the otherwise outgoing Dominican that way. “I'll be going to Los Angeles in a few days on business, and am happy to announce that I'll also be having a meetup at Santa Monica Pier. I haven't set the exact date in case my schedule goes out of whack, but I will be bringing along someone special. I expect that our family's policy of acceptance will be applied to him.”

“Wait wait wait - my girl's got a man?”

Mike rolled his eyes, smirking at Brennen. “If she was yours, wouldn't she know you exist?”

There was a short amount of silence while the targeted guy looked over with a playfully offended look on his face. “That was cold.” The guys laughed and chuckled, but deep down they still felt bad about what they just heard. The ginger had been by the brunette's side since the start of the channel. Though Casey was mostly the support and a guest in abandoned vlogs and some other types of videos, she would speak out as her friend's defense and help out in any way she could. Some would have figured that a month off would have her ecstatic in going back into working with her best friend. However, it sounded like that time away made her less for the type of content Kirsy had and more against it. The latter of the two must have been devastated at that moment.

“We should go meet her.” Sam announced. “Sounds like it's free - and Brennen could use an ego boost if she does know he exists.”

“You guys gotta give me a little credit here. My channel's pretty big.”

“Yes, but has she acknowledged it?” The dyed brunette questioned, laughing at the glare he received in return. It seemed like it was a unanimous agreement to take a short trip to the pier when she arrived, but everyone was vocal except for Colby. Sam shook his best friend's shoulder, and the young man blinked, switching his gaze over to the former blonde. “You alright?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, glancing back at the screen. “I agree. We should go meet her.”

[daggerzine]

R.E. Seraphin molds tiny shapes into big songs.

Though he’s been on the scene for a while now (with different bands) I hadn’t heard the music of Bay Area musician R.E. “Ray” Seraphin until this year via a cassette called Tiny Shapes via Paisley Shirt Records (more on the label below). His first real band was Talkies, which he discusses below (and I have enjoyed), but he seems to have really come into his own this year with that cassette and a new EP, A Room Forever, which came out just a month or so ago. In his music you’ll hear influences of 80’s jangle pop as well as some deeper post-punk stuff (and for more current stuff I hear whispers of Dean Wareham and his bands and Wild Nothing). Reading below he seems very well grounded and seems to have a great attitude about everything (even not being able to play shows during a pandemic or being in a writing slump). I think once this is all over this guy will go on 5-year tour and gain lots and lots of new fans. In the meantime do check out his stuff, you won’t be disappointed.

   Where did you grow up?

Berkeley, CA. The area I grew up in was filled with Victorian homes and dilapidated industrial warehouses. My family home was walking distance from a lagoon and an old, rusty set of train tracks. I felt I lived in an unremarkable college town. There wasn't much activity outside of the school. I discovered Berkeley’s storied political and musical history much later in life. Now, of course, there are many books written about Berkeley, but I thought it was a kinda nondescript city as a kid.

 Do you remember what band made you fall in love with music?

Dating myself hard here, but I remember being floored by The White Stripes’ “Fell in Love With a Girl” video when I was 11. The Top 40 music making the rounds on VH1 and MTV at the time was beyond dreck — a lot of Train, Staind, Matchbox 20. The White Stripes were the first band I was exposed to that made succinct, catchy, no-frills music. I was genuinely enthralled. Plus, the Lego animation in that video still holds up.

 Was guitar your first instrument?

I started on bass. My first instrument was an extremely cheap, pointy BC Rich knockoff monstrosity. I believe I was 13. I had no idea how to play and little interest in learning. For the first year, I putzed around with a Pro Co RAT, a wah pedal, and a tinny-sounding Crate practice amp. I just tried (and succeeded in) being as obnoxious as possible. When I started writing songs, I eventually graduated from playing bass poorly to playing guitar poorly.

 Tell us about your first band.

My first band that played shows was called The Phil Spector Shotgun Experience. That was primarily a cover band I put together with my high school buddies and my mom. We covered Radio Birdman, the Pink Fairies, and the MC5; we also had an unwittingly hilarious original called “Nitroglycerin Man” — the first song I ever wrote (maybe I was subconsciously inspired by Wages of Fear). At some point, we kicked my mom out of the band and started playing as the Impediments. That band kicked ass — we made pridefully dumb American punk music. That was also my only band to sign a record contract, so it’s quite possibly been downhill from there!

 Tell us about The Talkies (unless that was your first band mentioned above).

Talkies (no article!) was a group I started in 2014 as a vehicle for my songs. My previous bands had been more of a shared vision, so Talkies was my first foray into being the lone genius of a group. The sound was mostly drawn from what is disparagingly known as power pop. Basically, I was heavily into the band Shoes for a few years.

We released a few albums and EPs. Did a couple short tours. During that time, the project was dragged from the Bay Area to Austin and back before I finally, mercifully pulled the plug last year. It was time.

 When did you transition from Talkies to the solo stuff you’re doing now? Did it feel comfortable?

Talkies had run its course, but I had a smattering of songs leftover from that project that I wanted to record. Around that time, I learned my good friend Jasper Leach (Burner Herzog) was getting ready to skip town. I had always wanted to work with him and, seizing my final opportunity to do so, we banged out my début, Tiny Shapes, last summer. The whole experience was fairly serendipitous. The stars aligned for that one.

I wouldn't say the process was comfortable. Recording the album felt necessary, urgent — almost compulsory at times. My heart was ready for a new project and I truly wanted to center myself for the first time. I’m glad I did. This is the happiest I’ve been musically in some time.

 “I think therefore I am”

I love the songs on A Room Forever. How did they come together?

So glad to hear that! I got asked to contribute to a compilation back in April. With the deadline approaching and inspiration still eluding me, I took a glance at my bookshelf, noticed a particular Carson McCullers title, and whipped up “Clock Without Hands.” After my trusty collaborator Owen Adair Kelley added his parts, I felt we had stumbled upon a great sound. I tried to harness the creative spirit and pushed myself to finish a few ideas buried deep in the recesses of my Voice Memo app. I got friends Matt Bullimore (The Mantles) and Yea-Ming Chen (Yea-Ming & The Rumors) involved, and that was that. No great origin story — just pure American ingenuity and elbow grease.

 Tell us about Paisley Shirt Records. Who runs it and how did you hook up with them?

Paisley Shirt Records is simply the man, the myth, the legend — Kevin Linn. He is a San Francisco-based musician and artist who records as Sad-Eyed Beatniks.

I met him when I was looking for someone to release my album, Tiny Shapes. He had just put out a tape by Hits — a great local band featuring some friends of mine — and I felt a kinship with his roster. So, I reached out to him. Foolishly, he agreed to put out my album and we’ve been inseparable ever since. Solid dude. High marks.

 Have you done any solo tours? If so where and how did they go?

Ha! No. I had only notched two shows as R.E. Seraphin before the pandemic hit. Likely not doing anything beyond the odd live-stream show for a while. That said, if any tastemaking European touring agencies are reading this — give me a ring!

The latest EP

 What are your top 10 desert island discs?

Ah, jeez. This question. I’ll just say these are 10 (plus one) that I come back to quite often. In no order:

 Marquee Moon by Television

The Everly Brothers’ Best

Forever Changes by Love

Let it Be by The Replacements

Third/Sister Lovers by Big Star

The First Songs by Laura Nyro

16 Lovers Lane by The Go-Betweens

In a Silent Way by Miles Davis

A Different Kind of Tension by Buzzcocks

Something Else by The Kinks

Old No. 1 by Guy Clark

 What are a few Bay Area bands that we should know about.

This is a golden-era for weirdo pop music in the Bay. To name just a few: Galore, Cindy, The Umbrellas, Tony Jay, Flowertown, Healing Potpourri, Latitude, Cocktails, The Reds, Pinks, & Purples, Yea-Ming & The Rumors, Anna Hillburg, the 1981, Toner, Frank Ene, Neutrals, Owen Adair Kelley, April Magazine, Telephone Numbers, Hits, Sad-Eyed Beatniks. Essentially every act associated with Paisley Shirt Records and/or Mt.St.Mtn. My bias is strong.

 Do you feel that the pandemic has helped your songwriting or hindered it (if either)?

A li’l column A, a li’l column B. I’m a natural procrastinator, so I’ve definitely savored the lack of band practice and shows (things that often necessitate new material). That said, I doubt I would have finished A Room Forever had I not been quarantined at home. Without having many obligations and without being able to leave my house, music definitely became my raison d’être for the first time as an adult. I was fortunate to not be deemed an “essential” worker and to be able to focus energy on my passion momentarily. Silver lining.

 What’s next ? A new record by the end of the year possibly?

Hopefully continuing to promote my music and play shows on the ol’ webiverse. A Room Forever will be receiving a small vinyl and tape pressing at the end of September via Mt.St.Mtn. and Paisley Shirt Records. So, looking forward to that.

I was creatively tapped for a few months after A Room Forever. While a new album is possible, it’s not probable. I am plugging away at a few tunes, but I tend to conceptualize albums as a thematic whole and not as a collection of songs. Haven't stumbled onto my next Big Idea yet. Don't count me out, though. I could see myself dashing off a covers album for sure.

 What is one song you wish you’d written?

Too many to name! I’ll reframe that question to mean a great song I could see myself capable of writing in an alternate time, place, or dimension. Maybe one of Peter Holsapple’s songs from The dB’s — “Black & White” or “Neverland.” Also: anything by Wreckless Eric or Martin Newell.

 Final thoughts? Closing comments?

Just finished reading an interview with the great James Purdy, and thought this quote summed up iur current political climate well:

“You go out into the world and no one knows you, you can be ruled because you’re programmed. Everything is stamped, put on the shelf, described, thrown out into the garbage. It’s a political process, and behind that an economic process. But to be nothing, that is the worst of all possible things.”

   www.reseraphin.com

www.paisleyshirtrecords.bandcamp.com

[bravadoseries]

tell us about your braudrey wasteland baby analysis

this ended up being long and angsty i am sorry . if u want i can analyze songs from his other album in a happier way to even it out lol

“nfwmb”: 

“when i first saw you / the end was soon” - audrey and bruce met on the helicarrier and i think when they fought in new york they both knew they might not come out of it.  audrey was inexperienced and way out of her depth, bruce was really against turning back into the hulk again.  

“Give your heart and soul to charity / ‘Cause the rest of you, the best of you / Honey, belongs to me” - they both give parts of themselves away for the greater good and feel most human with each other

“Nothing fucks with my baby / Nothing can get a look in on my baby / Nothing fucks with my baby / Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing” - when hozier wrote this song everyone thought it was about how nothing fucks with his baby because he protects her but he said actually nobody fucks with her because she’s extraordinarily powerful and scary.  i think both of these apply to braudrey—nobody fucks with bruce because audrey protects him, and nobody fucks with the hulk because he’s giant and terrifying 

“moment’s silence (common tongue)” 

“When stunted hand earns place with man by mere monstrosity / Alarms are struck and shore is shook by sheer atrocity / A cure I know that soothes the soul, does so impossibly” - this is related to an upcoming ~chapter~ lol but basically audrey and bruce go on a retreat upstate that’s supposed to give him the opportunity to hulk out and like scare some squirrels in the woods but while they’re there, audrey and the hulk become good friends ? and so that’s why she’s able to reason with bruce when he turns

“almost (sweet music)” 

i would place this one as post aou when audrey thinks bruce is dead.  

“i’m almost me again, she’s almost you�� - after a bit, she starts dating again but she’s still very much grieving and hung up on him 

“i wouldn’t know where to start / sweet music playin’ in the dark / be still my foolish heart / don’t ruin this on me” - audrey becomes good friends with wanda and pietro after age of ultron and they haven’t been around long but they ask her to talk about it because she sits in her room playing the same song every day and crying and they’re like … ?

“I got some colour back, she thinks so, too / I laugh like me again, she laughs like you” - i think this is just audrey letting herself be close to people again. it’s not the same but it’s not so lonely

“movement”

“I still watch you when you're groovin’” so this song i think is about like someone dancing and being really seductive and sexy but this reminds me of bruce watching audrey dancing really terribly w tony at every avengers function.  audrey literally cannot dance for shit and it’s endearing to bruce 

“When you move / I can recall somethin' that's gone from me / When you move / Honey, I'm put in awe of somethin' so flawed and free” - i think bruce gets kind of fixated on watching audrey spar and fight; like partially because it’s hot but also because he sees her as very powerful and finds it magnetizing 

“no plan” 

i’m gonna go ahead and place this as ragnarok/infinity war 

“for starts / what a waste to say the heart could feel apart / or feel complete, baby” - audrey and bruce reunite on sakaar and it’s a very emotional scene; it’s a waste to say the heart could feel apart because she knows she’s not less without him but there’s this understanding, this thing that’s been off that’s finally righted when they’re back together

“My heart is thrilled by the still of your hand / That's how I know now that you understand” - this applies to a very specific moment in ragnarok before they go to fight hela where audrey puts her hand over bruce’s and he looks at her and she’s unable to tell him that if they die right now she loves him but he knows anyway

“There's no plan / There's no race to be run / The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun / There's no plan / There's no kingdom to come / I’ll be your man if you got love to get done / Sit in and watch the sunlight fade / Honey, enjoy, it's gettin' late / There's no plan / There's no hand on the rein / As Mack explained, there will be darkness again” - so this is all very apocalyptic and not to flex but i was at a concert and hozier talked about this line and how the whole song was written about the doomsday clock and a time when it was closer to zero than ever; it’s a song about throwing caution into the wind at the end of the world and i think that’s fitting.  there’s a period where audrey realizes that they’re not gonna beat thanos, and that the snap is gonna happen, and she takes a breath and notices everything around her and just thinks about how she’s lucky to have had it at all.  

“nobody”

“You know when it's twelve o'clock in Soho, baby / It's gin o'clock where I'll wake up, I don't know / And I think about you though everywhere I go / And I've done everything and I've been everywhere, you know” - this just reminds me of when audrey is away on missions and bruce is still at the base; she’s been everywhere in the world because she’s been alive for so long and she’s been around for a lot; the one thing she’s most grateful for her lifetime to have coincided with though is bruce 

 “i’ve had no love like your love / from nobody” - this is just them lol they understand each other on another level

“I'd be appalled if I saw you ever try to be a saint / I wouldn't fall for someone I thought couldn't misbehave” - this is audrey 2 bruce … she would be appalled if he ever tried to get rid of the hulk for good; i think that it’s such a significant part of how they see and understand each other 

“If I had the choice between hearing either noise: The excitement of a thousand or the soothing of your voice / At first chance, I'd take the bed warmed by the body” - they just choose each other.  they choose to be with each other.  this reminds me of the “give your heart and soul to charity” line in nfwmb because it’s like if they had to be heroes without each other they wouldn’t be happy 

“as it was” 

there’s a conversation bruce and audrey have at the safehouse in age of ultron where bruce is saying he doesn’t feel the same since wanda fucked with his head bc of the vision he had, and he’s worried abt whether or not audrey can continue to care for him when the chaos the hulk created wasn’t for any good or if she’s changed her mind and she has to assure him that she hasn’t; there are a lot of lines from this song that remind me of that

-“whatever’s here that’s left of me / is yours just as it was”

-“Just as it was, baby / Before the otherness came / And I knew its name / The drug, the dark, / The light, the flame” 

-“its holds had the fight of my baby / and the lights were s bright as my baby / but your love was unmoved”

-“the sights were as stark as my baby / and the cold cut as sharp as my baby / and the nights were as dark as my baby / half as beautiful, too” (unrelated sidenote but this line gives me chills always)

then the second verse of this reminds me of audrey and bruce in ragnarok: 

“Tell me if somehow Some of it remains How long you would wait for me How long I've been away The shape that I'm in now Your shape in the doorway Make your good love known to me Or just tell me about your day”

“shrike” 

so audrey has a really really hard time saying i love you after bruce leaves at the end of aou, to anyone—she says it to steve maybe once, but she can’t say it besides that one time, and it’s part of why she’s so torn up about peggy dying because she didn’t tell her she loved her enough in the months leading up to her death.  

but also, when bruce comes back, audrey still can’t muster up the ability to say them out loud, and so at the end of infinity war, she’s left without telling any of the people she loves that she loves them.  when she comes back in endgame, she’s able to overcome that to tell them.  this song reminds me of that 

“I couldn't utter my love when it counted / Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now” - this is when she comes back

“The words hung above / But never would form / Like a cry at the final breath that is drawn / Remember me love when I'm reborn / As the shrike to your sharp / And glorious thorn” - this is both; she couldn’t say it, but she’s “reborn” during endgame and she realizes that the worst has already happened countless times; there’s nothing else to be afraid of that she hasn’t survived

“Then when I met you, my virtues uncounted / All of my goodness is going with you now” - this is just audrey when bruce leaves

“talk” 

ok this entire song is just both audrey and bruce when they like each other but don’t wanna say anything about it.  

I'd be the voice that urged Orpheus When her body was found Hey yeah I'd be the choiceless hope in grief That drove him underground Hey yeah I'd be the dreadful need in the devotee That made him turn around Hey yeah And I'd be the immediate forgiveness In Eurydice Imagine being loved by me

I won't deny I've got in my mind now (Hey, yeah) All the things I would do So I try to talk refined For fear that you find out (Hey, yeah) How I'm imagining you

I'd be the last shred of truth In the lost myth of true love Hey yeah I'd be the sweet feeling of release Mankind now dreams of Hey yeah That's found in the last witness before the wave hits Marvelling at God Hey yeah Before he feels alone one final time And marries the sea Imagine being loved by me

“dinner & diatribes” 

i think…..this doesn’t match up exactly but the new year’s eve chapter…..Yeah

“Let there be damage ensued and tabloid news / And that kind of love / That's the kinda love / I’ve been dreaming of”

“would that i” 

okay buckle up this one is a lot

“True that love in withdrawal was the weeping of me / That the sound of the saw must be known by the tree / Must be felled for to fight the cold / I fretted fire but that was long ago” ok this i think is bruce’s perspective; love in withdrawal was the weeping of me = the isolation he put himself in following becoming the hulk was a very bad spot for him even though it was safest.  the sound of the saw must be known by the tree = gotta risk it for the biscuit! must be felled for to fight the cold / i fretted fire but that was long ago = i used to be afraid but now i’m not; it’s worth the risk 

“Oh, but you're good to me / Oh, you're good to me / Oh, but you're good to me, baby” bruce is just continually confused and surprised by the fact that audrey isn’t scared of him 

“With each love I cut loose I was never the same / Watching still living roots be consumed by the flame / I was fixed on your hand of gold / Laying waste to my loving long ago” 

-with each love i cut loose i was never the same = bruce has cut off everyone he’s been close to since the hulk happened and he’s not the same when he’s alone; he thinks he can make it by himself and he probably can but he doesn’t have to

-i was fixed on your hand of gold / laying waste to my loving long ago = this is actually nice bc the gold imagery specifically matches up with what audrey’s powers are, and so there’s that connection to be made 

“And it's not tonight / Where I'm set alight / And I blink in sight / Your blinding light” this also just matches up really nicely w audrey’s powers lol

“sunlight” 

“I had been lost to you, sunlight / And flew like a moth to you, sunlight / Oh your love is sunlight” i think this would be bruce after age of ultron ? he’s been lost to audrey, but when he sees her he gravitates back toward her immediately; he sees her love as sunlight

“the tale is the same / told before and told again /  soul that's born in cold and rain / knows sunlight, sunlight, sunlight” - bruce is the soul that’s born in cold and rain and audrey is sunlight

“Each day you rise with me / Know that I would gladly be / The Icarus to your certainty” - i think he’s just devoted to her 

“wasteland, baby” 

okay going line by line for this one lol buckle up!

“All the fear and fire of the end of the world / Happens each time a boy falls in love with a girl” - when they’re fighting thanos audrey is actually reminded of bruce; how losing him felt like the world ending, now it’s for real

“Happens great, happens sweet / Happily, I'm unfazed here, too” - when audrey goes at the end of infinity war, she goes smiling 

“Wasteland, baby / I’m in love, I'm in love with you” - they just love each other

“All the things yet to come are the things that have passed / Like the holding of hands, like the breaking of glass / Like the bonfire that burns / That all words in the fight fell to” - everything that has happened has led them to this moment; loki, ultron, hydra, etc. without that they wouldn’t have each other, but they also probably wouldn’t be dealing with this mess.  it’s not good or bad, it’s just the way things went.  

“Wasteland, baby / I’m in love, I'm in love with you”

“And I love too, that love soon might end / Be known in its aching / Shown in the shaking / Lately of my wasteland, baby” - they know it’s over before it’s over; they can tell what’s going to happen before it happens, and they’re just paralyzed in that moment 

“Be still, my indelible friend, you are unbreaking / Though quaking, though crazy / That's just wasteland, baby” - when audrey goes bruce pleads with her to stay

“And that day that we'll watch the death of the sun / To the cloud and the cold and those jeans you have on / And you'll gaze unafraid as they sob from the city roofs” - in the years after the snap, bruce has the most vivid dream almost every night where audrey’s . like . ghost comes to him and takes him to the top of a hill and they watch the world end around them.  it’s terrible and every time he wakes up he misses it.  

“When the stench of the sea and the absence of green” - ok lol this just reminds me of how the hulk wouldn’t come fight at the end of infinity war 

“Are the death of all things that are seen and unseen / Are an end but the start of all things that are left to do” - the world ends; half of everything is dead; but they’re still left.  bruce and steve and everyone have to go on living still.  

“Wasteland, baby / I'm in love, I'm in love with you / (That's it)” - this abruptness just reminds me a lot of the snap; that’s it.  there’s no going back.  

[fallforkadi]

Hello there!

So today i have something that can interest us, kd supporters. Idk if this a analisys¿? but yeah more like me just ranting, what's new lmao. Today a super popular artist where i'm from announced on her instagram that she's having a baby and that she has been with her partner for 7 years, ok, the interesting part is that her partner is a woman.

No one, literally no one from the general public knew she was dating someone, much less that she has been together with a woman for 7 YEARS, like she kept her relationship in secret for 7 freakin years and just released the news yesterday on her instagram because she wanted to share with her fans that she and her partner are having a baby. In her post tho, says really interesting things regarding her wishes and things about the media.

I'm going to translate her post (this) for people who doesn’t speak spanish can read it, please have in mind i'll do my best to translate accurately but sometimes translating from language to language can lost some meaning.

Music is my form of expression/comunicating with you all. I've shared with you every part of my life through it. The most precious thing I have in my life and that I protect the most is my family and my intimacy and I'm very thankful that my coworkers on the music industry (other artist, media, press) have always respect it. I wanted to share this beautiful and important news in my life with you on the day it arrived (the baby) but there are people who are already spreading misleading info with bad feelings just for the morbo of it. (she wanted to wait but bc of some people she has to make this public rn)  Since I was a kid I've always seen relationships more than in a black and white spectrum: two persons loving each other with consent for me is love no matter the gender. And despite I never thought that the love of my life was going to be a woman, we met 7 years ago and love took us by surprise. At first it was hard for both of us to accept the fact that we had arrived to our destiny. But putting the fear aside, I opened my arms totally to my happiness. Today my wife and I are expecting our first baby, a beautiful baby girl that thanks to god she's arriving full of life and love. My job is music/making music and when I stand in front of my dear media coworkers I just want to talk about it: my job, no more, nor less. I'm going to be the only one to decide when and how much I'm going to share about my life and intimacy with the world just like how i've been doing it until this day. I love every one of you and i'm very thankfull to infinity to have you.

note: i guess she says media are her coworkers because media, press, public figures all works together/in sync/in the same field¿?

She has been with her partner all this time, the media knew, her friends knew, public figures knew, everyone from the job and her private life knew but no one said ANYTHING in years, the general public knew NOTHING about this. They were literally a known secret within the industry.

Doesn't her relationship remembers you of some other rs? Yep, since the first time I read about it my brain can't stop ringin with KD KD KD, lol. I mean, I think every KD supporter knows that KD is basically this, a known secret within the industry, of course people they know know about their rs. Have in mind that KD are BOTH public figures and IN THE SAME group so it only complicates more their rs, both have fans (and ofc sasaengs) so they need to be extra careful meanwhile I think in her rs her partner is not from the industry so is more easy to hide. (i guess)

So basically if she was able to do it, of course KD can as well, i'm sure as hek more public figures hides their private lifes, there's another artist that was HUGE here (all mothers knows and loves him lmao, the common joke is that he's the father of our generation because every mom say he's the father of their child) but he NEVER let media expose his family, literally people knew he had a wife and kids like 15+ years into his career. And I'm pretty sure there's a lot more examples like these all around the world. I just wanted her case to be my main example here because as KD, her relationship it’s an homosexual one, it was possible for them to hide it despite how juicy the info must has been for the media, I mean, even if here we're more open to lgbt+ people it's still a pretty big deal when a public figure comes out just imagine that on SK.

What's my point? That is possible for public figures as KD to maintain a secret relationship, a secret homosexual relationship FOR YEARS, with people from their work/friends knowing, people from the MEDIA knowing (i mean, remember the video abt the reaction of the mc on weekl.y id.ol when a kd pic shows up) and still have no one from the general public/fans knowing about it, ofc in every country is different, there’s a lot of factors that can decide if something is leak but I think that media works almost the same everywhere so this situations can apply to anyone in the industry all around the world. I know in SK sasaengs are more common but I mean they have been doing a pretty good job until now keeping KD in the dark lmao.

Something she said in her post stayed in my head the most "I'm going to be the only one to decide when and how much I'm going to share about my life and intimacy with the world" this is so true to some extend, it's up to public figures or/and their companies how much their private life goes out, they for sure have friends/contacts in the media so it's highly possible that they are inform of the majority of their scandals beforehand the media post about it for a $olution to happen and don't release anything, ofc that's not always the case because I mean we still get scandals, right? but yeah, people think they know all about their idols but have in mind that 10% we know about them it's just what they want us to know.

And for us international fans is more difficult to know things, this leads me to talk about the "newest" KD moment that came out, the cute "Ji grabbing and patting Ks' hips" moment. This moment was from a fansign that happened 5-6 months ago (i think), there was a fanacc that talked about the moment at the time but the video just came out now (correct me if im wrong tho). Just think in all the moments, in all the photos, in all the videos we didn't get to see, we didn't get to live at all and no one said anything. Or the moments that reach us months or years after it happened (because it has happened in the past, this is not the first time a KD moment reach us months/years after it happened). I remember someone here saying something along the lines that if korean fans knows 10%, we overseas fans know just like 5% of things or less. Let that sink in.

So please don't be discourage when antis say things about KD, like kxk and jxk were real because media exposed them, lol i mean if someone can hide a relationship for YEARS with almost everyone from the industry KNOWING, I guess it's pretty easy to make fake scandals to protect said relationship so please take this cases as examples and make your own criteria, don't let people, media or fake scandals think for you, i know it's hard to swim against the flow but we can do it.

So that's it, if someone want to add more about this you can reply to this post or my ask is always open if you want to talk. English is not my first language so bare with me please. TT I have a lot of things in my head but it's still very dificult for me to express them in another language so please don't be so harsh on me if this post lacks sense lmao. I love KD with all my heart.

[kae-karo]

Hi I used to be into the phandom so much but fell out in like??? 2017??? Maybe??? Has anything big happened at all? Has anyone died/caught on fire ( ;) )??

oh dear god where do i begin??? well fortunately both our lads are still alive. let me just start with saying 2018 has been like. probably the best year for dnp to date? i’ll try to go in some kind of order here but bear with me i’ll touch on a bit of 2017 stuff and then go into 2018 for ya

so first of all i’m not sure when you left the phandom in 2017 but the lads moved out of their previous flat in april of last year (x) (april-ish it was def before they posted the vid)

also our dear lil dani snot on fire is no longer not on fire (x) so uhh is he on fire now ig? i mean yeah that’s arguably true

*insert phil’s badaladala sound bc on the scale of Significant Things i don’t think anything else massive happened*

day one of demon month, we got this amazing vid from phil wherein viewers (aka dan) picked his outfits n he looked like a snacc and a half (would’ve been 2 snaccs if he’d embraced the quiff sooner but that’s getting ahead of things) (x)

!!!! then a week or so later dan posted his vid ‘daniel and depression’ where he opened up abt his struggle with depression (x) which was imo the start of him just being more open about himself in general. he also started working with young minds (a mental health org for young people in the uk) and shortly thereafter with prince william’s program to help prevent cyberbullying

then! on the day love was invented! dnp released their board game, truth bombs (x - yeah i linked the second vid and not the first, and wot) which u can buy if you’d like but it’s a lot of fun (x)

then these idiots did a conjoined jumper baking challenge and didn’t fucking wear shirts under the jumper like what dumb gays idk (x) but it was real funny and Good Content

then early nov dnp announced the interactive introverts tour (x) and then uhhh it happened (like 80+ shows??? in a ton of countries???) (x) and they’re releasing the filming of it along with some bonus content like a director’s commentary and u can preorder it (x)

also pinof 9 happened which as a legacy phan u know is always a Thing but this year it was especially a Thing so i recommend catching up (x, and the bloops - x)

and phew okay that’s the majority of 2017 Important Events but before i go on to 2018 i’ll just recap a few important events from dapg (basically just some gamingmas stuff):

wherein dan smacked phil in the face

and phil crushed the presents but dan helped him up

where phil pretended not to remember gamingmas was happening, leading to the most iconic simultaneous heart eyes howell/love eyes lester to date

dnp singing baby it’s cold outside together whilst playing yasuhati

iconic pinof 9 moment

dnp play charades but it’s phil’s turn, and he’s touchy

the not my arms challenge!!! playing mario kart

okay! and before anyone starts yelling i know there’s more but god if i put every iconic thing in this post would break there’s Too Much so let’s hop into 2018 bc it’s gonna be a long one

first i cannot believe dan fucking gave phil a philussy cake and phil’s parents asked phil what it meant jfc dan (x)

THE EARRING!!! dan’s first selfie with the lil hoop and it never leaves and we love it (x)

phil is just trying to take a selfie and dan ruins it (x) spoiler alert: phil gets him back in colorado (x)

okay big sigh two large events happen in march: the first, dan’s ‘trying to live my truth’ vid (x) it basically dan saying ‘i’m still figuring things out but i want to be more authentic and true to myself, and also authenticity is important for some people to feel happy in life’ vid that a lot of people hyperfixated on the end line of, where he said he would go ‘laugh at a joke with a chocolate bar and...something else in my mouth’ which people assumed meant a dick and therefore it was a subtle coming out vid, dan did a liveshow afterward (x) wherein he said that wasn’t the point of the vid and people got mad at him for ‘backtracking’ (if u want more of my Opinions on this feel free to check em out - x)

the second v v big event happened at the end of march when phil posted this iconic selfie that would be the downfall of the fringe (x) this has been titled the quiffening by some

shortly after that he began styling his hair in a quiff permanently which was probably the best decision he’s made since responding to one of his obsessed fans back in 2009

quick detour dan’s proud of his hubby (x) for winning fortnite and ‘fuxkung’ is now what ‘fucking’ autocorrects to in my phone

we also had dan releasing his merch (x) which is basically all black and themed around the eclipse logo and ‘don’t talk to me’, though he just released the exist line for world mental health day which has his quote ‘have the courage to exist’. he’s also mentioned possibly wanting to do more creative things like wide-necked or asymmetrical shirts dan just do a fashion line pls oh and he mentioned in a recent ls he might do an internet support group mug sometime soon

and then,,,,,pigeonfest. we watched. five hours. of phil livestreaming their patio. and literally nothing happened bc someone was like down on the street feeding pigeons so there weren’t even any pigeons for like 90% of the liveshow. but he literally didn’t talk it was just five hours of their patio and we all watched it. we all just watched it like the whipped phannies we are (x)

and then we got a brief but overwhelming dose of,,,,,,something from the easter baking vid (x) phil was hopped up on sugar and also confidence from his quiff and probably smth else as well

everything just blows up from there we have giving the people what they want (x) where, in preparation for ii (for which the underlying theme was ‘giving people what they want’), dnp reacted to pinof 1, swapped clothes, did the ‘yoga challenge’, recreated ditl manchester, ‘got a dog’, and made phil say fuck. honestly it shook the entire phandom to its core at the time but like. i’m less shooketh now? it’s sort of just fallen by the wayside in terms of how unpredictable dnp have been this year

then phil drops week in the life of dnp shortly thereafter which is just very very domestic even for them and their ditl style vids??? (x) phil filming dan in bed being one of the big demon highlights at the time

it’s right around this time too that insta stories start and my god it just goes jfc like i don’t even have the mental capacity to recall all the Iconic ones but i recommend checking out this playlist (x) which has all the ii tour stories goddamn there were a lot though they really put out that content didn’t they

in early may we get phil talking about why he changed his emo hair (x) and arguably the first official vid of the casual rebrand - phil’s more open and genuinely vulnerable about his fears about making a change to his hair, and i don’t think we’ve ever seen him that open before. the vids don’t stop being open though, with what dnp text each other (x) giving us coop and doop along with other iconic stories, dnp basically sitting on top of each other in that and other gaming vids on the tour bus, phil being very open abt his attraction to men (x) and the iconic final google feud vid with way too much of a specific kind of Energy (x) (ofc again there are More Vids but i don’t have the time/mental capacity to recap them all so i’m pickin the Big Ones)

monochrome mates (x)

phew okay so the tour in general as well - like if u don’t mind spoilers, i did a big ol analysis of what that was all about (x) but one of many many highlights is dan calling he and phil “best friends and soulmates” 

finally finally finally after months of waiting we also get some phil merch! (x) plant and animal themed, and he even released a lion plushie which sold out like instantly and he claimed he’d do more of but we have yet to see that. he says he’s got more ideas for other merch as well

now okay fast forward to october after the tour’s over bc i think the insta stories and the analysis cover it but then. then. then we get the pizza mukbang (x) thirty three minutes of dnp being more open and honest and casual than literally they’ve ever been on camera maybe ever, and i’m including liveshows in this statement. no holds barred, authentic vulnerable dnp. a religious experience

end of october spooky week hits us and i think the key vid to call out here is the creepy mind of phil lester bc i think it was another open honest authentic vid (x) where they talked a lot, casual domestic w.e got some insight into phil’s mind it was v good

and then they carve pumpkins jfc which was an experience (x) there were a lot of innuendos but also one of the first years they didn’t do a halloween baking in a while (though they have hinted at possibly doing christmas baking) idk i’m fully overwhelmed at this point lmao like a Lot happened this year

phew okay and Then just yesterday philly dropped his vid on why he went to (the) hospital (x) idk soz that’s a british thing i think like we say ‘the’ anyway. which i’ve been talking abt quite a lot lately but it was another very open and honest vid in which he expressed a lot of vulnerability and fear and perceived flaws and it was just a quality like. open vid.

jfc okay hope that helps obviously there’s a lot i didn’t mention, but this should at least get you caught up on some of the big stuff!! and while i’m at it have a few more Important Gifs from this year

a very important moment of communication whilst on tour, deciding whether or not they’re okay with doing a ‘third wheel’ pose

dan flinging himself off the chair in anger whilst playing getting over it

nose boop from phil’s instagram explore pages vid

subsequent nose boop from the extreme tetris vid

and a cheek boop from the overcooked 2 vid

dan pulling phil’s hand off the mouse in fear during spooky week, swamp simulator (shrek slender)

touchy!dan during pizza mukbang

oh god. okay. again, this is not everything, just a big list of some big events over the past year-ish. i’m sure i’ve missed some important stuff but i think i covered most of it! hope this helps ya get caught up dear!

[homeinabookshelf]

answer all the numbers

lmao this is going to be a looong post! if anyone cares that much about me, I’m gonna put the answers under a read more!

1. selfie? all of mine are in the tag ‘my face’2. what would you name your future kids? i really love longer name, heard Gwendolyn the other day and really dig it. also really like Persephone, but not sure if i want to stick a kid with that name lol3. do you miss anyone? one of my best friends is in the hospital right now, and even though she’s not far away, i can’t really talk to her soo4. what are you looking forward to? i’m in a place where i have a lot of good things coming towards me. in 2 weeks, i’m going to a youth activism camp that i’m very excited for5. is there anyone who can always make you smile? i’m a dork who loves my friends very much, i pretty much always smile when talking to them6. is it hard for you to get over someone? sort of… i have a lot of passing infatuations, which i usually get over in a couple weeks. if i’m hardcore crushing, it takes me waaay longer (last one took almost a year)7. what was your life like last year? almost exactly today last year, i left for 6 weeks to tour the country with my youth group. don’t regret it, but definitely nerve wracking in the beginning8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed? yes! i tend to hyperfocus while doing my makeup, and if my eyeliner isn’t right i get very upset9. who did you last see in person? i’m watching my baby cousin sleep right now10. are you good at hiding your feelings? very lol. love that repression11. are you listening to music right now? nope!12. what is something you want right now? i’ve been in a sappy mood the past few days, and I’ve just been hit with an inexplicable craving for a girlfriend13. how do you feel right now? coming out of my cage and I’ve been doing just fine14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you? not including family, probably last week at graduation(not mine)15. personality description? umm?? i’m a very fluid person, i can be very sassy and outgoing or super withdrawn based on my mood. i tend to have my head stuck in the clouds. i’m very anxious(it’s the anxiety), and i’m a total mom friend. i really like taking care of people and listening to their problems. 16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t? all the time. 17. opinion on insecurities? everyone has them, try not to let them get the best of you!18. do you miss how things were a year ago? I’ve grown so much as a person over the past year, wouldn’t go back19. have you ever been to New York? all the time! i live super close so i drive over a lot. i want to go to college there20. what is your favourite song at the moment? hard!! Avriel and the Sequoias just released their debut album and it makes me want to take a nap in a cornfield, in a good way21. age and birthday? just turned 17 in june!22. description of crush? just got over a pretty big one… don’t really want to mention in23. fear(s)? people rejecting me24. height? 5′325. role model? ummm so many lol… recently my psychology teacher influenced me a lot so i’ll say her26. idol(s)?  i try not to idolize people. everyone is a person, no more no less27. things i hate? bigotry, hypocrisy, people who make me feel small28. i’ll love you if… you are nice to me (my standards are pretty low lol)29. favourite film(s)? kinda dorky, but i love disney movies30. favourite tv show(s)? been on a steven universe kick lately31. 3 random facts? during a year, a mature tree will take in over 48 pounds of oxygen; one large tree can provide a day’s oxygen for up to 4 people; trees literally reduce the need for a/c or heat if you plant them around your house. (did you mean about me? nah)32. are your friends mainly girls or guys? mostly girls(which i love), but kinda wish i was friends with more guys!33. something you want to learn? ASL!34. most embarrassing moment? my whole life is an embarrassing moment35. favourite subject? psychology or english36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill? i want to get a ph.d, be a foster parent, and see lots of broadway shows37. favourite actor/actress? every single person in the dear evan hansen cast lol38. favourite comedian(s)? don’t really follow any in particular39. favourite sport(s)? i’ve never sported intentionally once in my life and i do not intend to start now. hockey’s pretty cool tho40. favourite memory? personal.41. relationship status? lmao single as heck, nobody wants to date this loser42. favourite book(s)? answered43. favourite song ever? hard!!!!!!!!! anything by Anais Mitchell, or the Mowgli’s44. age you get mistaken for? i’ve gotten everywhere between 14 and 22 (i’m 17)45. how you found out about your idol? lmao nah46. what my last text message says? my last 5 are all thank yous and good nights and i love yous47. turn ons(NSFW obv)? girls & guys; piercings(nipples, belly button, nose), size difference, deep/raspy voices, “shut up” “make me”, i’m a sucker for bedroom eyes, really into people who are loud during sex48. turn offs? people who are dominant(I am), there’s so many weird kinks that i find uncomfy, but mostly depends on the person i’m with49. where i want to be right now? bruh idk50. favourite picture of your idol? answered51. starsign gemini!52. something i’m talented at? answered53. 5 things that make me happy? answered54. something thats worrying me at the moment? that i’ll lose contact with all my friends over the summer while i’m away55. tumblr friends? not too many bc i’m an antisocial nerd. also too nervous to tag them here bc what if THEY don’t think we’re friends??? it’s a very complex situation56. favourite food(s)?  mac and cheese all the way57. favourite animal(s)? damn they’re all so hecking cute58. description of my best friend?  lets go with Frankie; tol, pale, dark hair, is a cat/dragon in human form59. why i joined tumblr? it’s been like 3 years, i do not remember

if you made it to the end of this, you now know a lot more about me than most people! hmu and tell me things about yourself if you want to be friends or smth