#here also Tom just a bit too gay to be playing this straight

[philiponmycracker]

The very exclusive shopping experience brought to you by Larry "Pinto" Kroger (National Lampoon's Animal House, 1978, credited as Thomas Hulce)

[gottagobackintime]

Music (and movies) and queerness in Ted Lasso. Particularly in relation to Ted (and Trent)

I want to start with a line from the show that contains the word music.

“If music be the food of love, play on. Give me excess of it.” Said by Mae to Ted in a scene where a few moments later Trent walks up to him after leaving his date to go talk to him. It’s a quote from the VERY queer Shakespeare play “Twelfth Night”. The line implies that the speaker wants to be fed more, to the point of it making them sick so that they won’t desire, love in this case, anymore. Because he’s unhappily in love with someone who he can’t have (Michelle?). BUT he falls in love with someone else later. And in the context of Ted Lasso, this line just so happens to be said right before they show us that Trent is there. Ted also answers Mae, not by asking if she’s asking him if he wants more but “If that’s your fancy way of asking if I want another one, you guessed right”.Another love?And according to James Lance, it was when he was on his way to film this scene that he found out that Trent is gay and that he is “with that guy” as he himself puts it. A man who has a moustache very similar to Ted’s and wears similar clothes.

(Also, this happens in season 2 episode 7. In season 3, episode 7 Ted talks about the red string/thread of fate myth while Trent wears a red bracelet and they are connected by red several times and season 3, episodes 7 and 11 are connected via “You’ve got Mail”, the opening scene in episode 7 being a “tribute” to the movie, and there are other smaller references. And the team, and Trent, watching the movie in episode 11. AndTrent also wears the bracelet in episode 11, an episode I’ll bring up later in this post).

Now, let us get to the music.

Bruce Springsteen If you google “Bruce Springsteen queer” you get a lot of results discussing queerness in his songs and so on, so to put him in this post is a must.

Bruce Springsteen is brought up by Dottie in season 3 episode 11. She tells Trent about the time Ted got onstage and danced with Bruce Springsteen (which turns out to be a lie) but the connection to Springsteen is still there, because Ted did get onstage with a Bruce Springsteen cover band and sang with them. So, we’ve established a connection between Ted (and Trent) and Bruce Springsteen.

Let’s connect it to something else that happened in the episode. They watch “You’ve Got Mail” starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (I’ll come back to “You’ve Got Mail” later, the important part here is Tom Hanks). Ted states that the superior Nora Ephron/Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan movie is “Sleepless in Seattle”,a movie about a reporter falling for a single dad simply because of the way he talks about things and what he talks about. He brings the movie up twice, once to say that it’s superior and once telling someone to watch it. Now what does “Sleepless in Seattle” have to do with Bruce Springsteen? “Sleepless in Seattle” came out in 1993, as did “Philadelphia” a movie about a gay man played by Tom Hanks. Springsteen made a song called “Streets of Philadelphia”, specifically for this movie. A bit farfetched? Eh, perhaps, but I’m including it anyway.

So, in this episode Trent, a gay man, is told by Ted’s mum that Ted once went onstage with Bruce Springsteen and that’s the story he needs to confirm straight away. He practically skips towards Ted’s office to ask about it. Why that story? Surely she told him about other things too. And he heard the stories she told the team. But this was the story he was excited to get confirmed. A story about Ted’s connection to an artist that has several queer connections and who can also be connected to something else that is brought up in the episode.

Queen Let’s get the obvious out of the way. Their lead singer was queer.

And I talked about Fat Bottomed Girls and Queen/Freddie/Brian in THIS post. And I talk a little bit about the connection between Ted and Freddie Mercury in THIS post.

Queen has been used a lot throughout “Ted Lasso”, a lot more than I remembered. When I went back to look at the soundtrack for season 1 and 2, I found quite a few Queen songs. I also discovered that two of the trailers for season 2 had Queen songs in the background. “Under Pressure” (which also features David Bowie, another queer artist) and “We Will Rock You”.

Ted talks about having watched Queen at Live Aid on TV when he was younger, in season 2, episode 8 (that episode is called “Man City”, Ted mentions both Queen and Freddie Mercury. Season 3 episode 11 is called “Mom City” and Freddie Mercury is brought up again and a Queen song plays.) “Tear It Up” plays in season 2, episode 2 “We Are the Champions” plays in season 2, episode 9 “Fat Bottomed Girls” are both mentioned and played in season 3, episode 11 And, while not a Queen song, “Fought & Lost” by Sam Ryder featuring Brian May is also played in season 3, episode 11.

But let’s focus on “Fat Bottomed Girls”. Now, I’ve already talked about it in THIS post, that I also linked above. So, I won’t go over all that again. But a little recap, “Fat Bottomed Girls” is linked to “Bicycle Race” which is sometimes seen as a metaphor for being bi. They were both on the same single and they reference each other. The song is brought up by Higgins when he tells Keeley and Rebecca that Freddie, when he briefly owned Richmond in 1980, tried to make that song Richmond’s song but that it didn’t work. Rebecca then brings up that her dad went to art school with Freddie and that according to him if you would have asked Freddie what his greatest talent was, he would have said “flipping straights”.

We’ve already established Ted’s connection to Queen. And we’ve heard Ted refer to himself as straight just a few episodes ago (episode 7, and I’ve already pointed out the connection between episodes 7 and 11, this is another connection) now we get to hear Rebecca say that Freddie Mercury’s biggest talent was “flipping straights”. Ted is, as far as I know, and I’ve checked, the only person who refers to himself as straight, in the whole show. Not a single other character does that. Once in the Christmas special, once in season 3, episode 7, that’s two times. Will the rule of three apply here? Will he say that he’s straight a third time or will he subvert expectations or if you will, flip the script and say that he’s something else?

Dolly Parton Trent has worn a Dolly Parton shirt twice. Dolly Parton is a queer icon. In season 3, episode 11 Beard feels the need to call dibs on Dolly’s part in “Islands in the Stream” at karaoke. Implying that Ted perhaps snags that part for himself a lot of the time. Ted then walks away singing “Islands in the Stream”. Yet another queer connection between Trent and Ted via music.

Harry Nilsson/ (Judy Garland) Back to “You’ve got Mail”. The last scene of “You’ve got mail” ends with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan meeting up and they kiss while Harry Nilsson’s cover of “Somewhere over the Rainbow” plays in the background. We’re shown that scene, not just by witnessing the characters watching it, but by it filling our own screen for a while. “Somewhere over the Rainbow” is of course from “The Wizard of Oz” originally, sung by Judy Garland. A queer icon. The connection to “The Wizard of Oz” and Ted Lasso has been brought up before. But in this episode, it’s very front and centre. Ted is standing at “The Wizard of Oz” pinball machine, staring at the spinning house. And of course, Ted’s connection to Kansas is always there. And it’s brought up in a very important way this episode, with his mother more or less telling him he should go home to Kansas.

So, we have a well-established connection between Ted and Kansas and “The Wizard of Oz”. Let’s talk more about Judy Garland, Dorothy, the original singer of “Somewhere over the Rainbow”. As I mentioned above, Judy Garland was and is a queer icon. And “The Wizard of Oz” was and is a big part of the queer community. Then we have the “Friend of Dorothy” euphemism, a way to recognise other queer people, and it’s strongly associated with Judy Garland’s Dorothy. In episode 11 we are introduced to Ted’s mother, Dottie, which is a nickname/shortening of Dorothy. Another very clear queer connection to Ted.

And let us also look at James Lance who has said that there is a story arc for Trent’s shirts. And he wore a t-shirt with Dorothy’s ruby slippers to an event that is connected to Ted Lasso. And when asked why he was wearing that shirt, why he chose to honour Dorothy. It feels like he’s deflecting when he says “Well, every good character’s got to have a good pair of shoes, right. And these are surely, surely,the best pair of shoes in showbiz. So, you know, they get their own t-shirt. There aren’t many shoes to do that.” That’s suspicious. And we now know that James has had a lot of input into Trent’s costume, with him suggesting things and getting a thumbs up a lot of the time. He clearly thinks that clothes are important and can send a message. And he chose to wear a Dorothy shirt to a red carpet. When we now know that the eleventh episode of season three had several heavy references to “The Wizard of Oz”.

And to go back to Harry Nilsson. A song sung by him was on the soundtrack for Midnight Cowboy, starring Dustin Hoffman and Jon Voight, a queer movie. (And let’s remember that Trent himself said that Dustin Hoffman would probably play him in a movie).

Honourable mention

Mumford & Sons/Marcus Mumford

Why would I add Mumford & Sons and Marcus Mumford? Because Marcus Mumford made the theme song to Ted Lasso and the instrumental songs for the soundtrack, they’ve also used both Mumford & Sons and Marcus Mumford songs in the show. And the band have a connection to Jason Sudeikis. He was in the official music video for Mumford & Sons’ song “Hopeless Wanderer”, inthat video he clearly plays a version of Marcus, and he kisses another man in it. I think that deserves an honourable mention.

So, to sum it all up, there is queer subtext in the music and the artists that they mention and play in Ted Lasso, and these are just the ones that I personally can connect to Ted (and Ted/Trent). I don’t know if it is a coincidence, but I feel like there is way too much to just be a coincidence. To borrow part of Trent’s line “Through thousands of imperceptible moments, all leading to their inevitable conclusion.” Number four, that doesn’t even matter (but it actually does), LOVE. Queer love.

[fluffypotatey]

OK SO! the tommyinnit 101. technically this isn't really tied to an smp though.

so first we must start at the very beginning. the dream smp. in late 2020-early 2021, the dream smp was at the height of its popularity, and tommyinnit played one of its most prominent characters (tommy, henceforth referred to as c!tommy). now the thing about c!tommy is that both he and cc!tommy (idk if i've talked about the c! vs cc! divide before but that is its own 101) were under 18 at the time, and therefore if you shipped his character with anyone about 70% of the fandom would tear you apart.

honestly dsmp isn't too relevant here, though, except to introduce tommy and tubbo. you see, in a world of straight men using their little block guys to flirt with one another, tommy was Very vocal about loving women. being Straight was part of his Bit in the same way that being Annoying and playing the able sisters music from animal crossing was.

anyways in late 2022 he uploaded a vlog of him and tubbo getting married, tubbo mostly against his will. they pulled out all the stops- got an ordained minister (their friend scott, who you may recognize from the life series 101s) to do a little ceremony, had a lot of their friends acting as different members of the wedding party, even signed and filed real paperwork!

yep. that's right. they signed legal fucking paperwork. i've heard that tubbo didn't even know it was a marriage certificate, he thought it was a waiver for being in the video or smth. that's right, known straight man tommyinnit tricked his best friend into getting Real Life Legally Married to him, presumably just for shits and giggles.

This fact went unnoticed until mid-late 2023. tubbo was playing on the QSMP with some other people (i know FitMC, not sure who else), and was joking about going to Vegas and getting married to Fit. and then tubbo realized he was still married to tommy.

also, around that time, tommy wrote and published (to wattpad) a rpf crack fic called Tommy x Tubbo Love Triangle, where tommy leaves his Real Life Girlfriend molly for tubbo (molly dies directly afterwards because it was so romantic) and then he and tubbo kiss without tongue. tubbo was not consulted during the production of this fanfiction.

after learning about the marriage, tubbo started working to get a Real Life Divorce from his Real Life Friend Tom. tommy refused to sign the paperwork. if any of this ever goes to court tubbo fully intends to livestream the whole thing.

around 2 months ago, tommy did a parody of "I'm Just Ken" called "I'm Just Tom," in which he begs tubbo not to divorce him. it must be seen to be believed. idk if the link will work in an ask but i need you to see it https://youtu.be/laAPXcxjDlI?si=wPQM3ZJHBIv11Cfr

also if you're wondering how molly, tommy's Real Life Girlfriend, feels about all of this? she thinks it's hilarious. for the past month or two-ish (?), tommy's been doing a stand-up comedy tour in america (because they are all british), and at the same time tubbo's been doing a subathon (aka tubbathon bc it's tubbo) (a subathon is a twitch stream with a timer on it. the stream ends when the timer finishes out, and whenever someone subscribes to the streamer's channel more time is added) (the tubbathon is still going btw and isn't slowing down anytime soon). at one point molly came onto the tubbathon, and tubbo bought her a new phone bc hers was shit. (directly afterwards tommy posted a vlog about it, saying he felt like he was being cucked by his gay husband)

fans have dubbed these three the nightmare polycule, and it's not hard to see why.

and then, finally, this morning (last night in england time), tommy and tubbo were on a phone call. tubbo (gay) encouraged tommy to "say the f slur!" and tommy said, and i quote, "I'm bicurious, so I guess I could say like a fifth of it. [Tochat] Hear that, ya -ggots?"

i needed to tell you all of this so that you would understand the full insanity of all of this. there are some bits that don't really translate unless you were a dsmp fan in the 2020-2021 era, but i need you to see the ongoing insanity this man creates. he had been planning to use that joke for his live comedy show

ok uh

wow

i some pointers on his singing voice (a bit too belty there, that'll damage the throat later, some vowels need rounding)

hilarious that he rhymed Tom with arm

reading this was like a fever dream

molly is me tbh this is the most hilarious drama i have ever read

his comedic timing is beautiful

what the fuck

[randomvarious]

Today's mix:

Nite:Life 04 by Terry Farley 2001 House / Deep House / Tribal House

Well, this probably isn't the greatest commercial mix that legendary house producer-remixer-and-DJ-extraordinaire Terry Farley ever made, but it's still a decent one. Farley was an integral cog in developing Britain's acid house scene into a total fervor during the mid-to-late 80s. He co-launched a fanzine called Boy's Own with the late, great Andrew Weatherall and others, co-hosted and DJ'd at events by that same name, and also co-founded the Boy's Own record label too. And then in 1992, he co-founded the Junior Boy's Own label as well, which ended up with both Underworld and the Chemical Brothers on its roster. And then when you think about how important *those* groups are in particular to the growth and popularity of electronic music writ large, and know that they wouldn't have sprouted up if not for acid house catching fire in the UK in the first place, you realize just how indispensable someone like Terry Farley is when it comes to literally all of this.

But ultimately, I think the thing that mars this mix more than anything else is that Terry really seemed to be partial at the time to these super deep and moody tunes that featured hushed-tone spoken-word monologues from rugged-voiced dudes and I just think a lot of that stuff, especially in retrospect, is pretty damn corny. All you have to do is press play on this mix to get an immediate taste of what I'm talking about here. And then that same voice returns on the "Tom Middleton Cosmos Vocal" mix of The Path's "Praying" too, with sets of lines like the following:

I'm prayin' I'm prayin' for the black I'm prayin' I'm prayin' for the white I'm prayin' I'm prayin' for the straight I'm prayin' I'm prayin' for the gay I'm prayin' I'm prayin' for everybody I'm prayin' I'm prayin' for all the freaks, in the big, dark rooms I'm prayin' I'm prayin' for the children of house

Now, had these super generic lyrics been sung in some sort of way, rather than just delivered in a deep monotone, we may have been able to just overlook their Derek Zoolanderish simplicity and keyed in on the melody instead. But we can't, and as a result, this song and others like it just feel very lame almost a quarter-century later 😒.

But despite all of that, Farley still brought some pretty sweet bangers to this set. "Musica De La Celva," by Hipp-E & Tony (Hipp-E is from the duo of H-Foundation, who mixed the prior installment in this Nite:Life series that I posted about yesterday), has this beeping stab in it that you may not realize is actually a sax at first, until that little note proceeds to expand further into phrases, and then has another bit of sax introduced afterwards to complement it all too. Quite nifty track construction there 👍.

And then for the closer, we get some of that good ol' 90s garage house-disco flavor from longtime diva Linda Clifford, with the Ralphi Rosario mix of her "Changin," which I'm sure particularly lit up a whole bunch of gay dancefloors when it was out and thriving all the way back in 2000. Feels like a really lovely, blissful dance anthem, but it's very different from the much darker mood that coats the entirety of the rest of this mix 🤷‍♂️.

So, given his legacy, I think I was expecting a bit more from Terry Farley here, but even the best don't always end up delivering all the goods that you necessarily seek (see: Paul Oakenfold). Still, though, this thing is definitely solid regardless.

Listen to the full mix here.

And for more on Boy's Own and Junior Boy's Own, check out this dope retrospective that looks back on some of their output from 1988 to 1998, as well as a few tracks that inspired Terry Farley and his pals to start all their ventures in the first place.

Highlights:

Bernard Leon Howard III feat. 80 - "Mars Carter" Hipp-E & Tony - "Musica De La Celva" Datar - "B (Danny's Space Terrace Mix)" Linda Clifford - "Changin (Ralphie Rosario Mix)"

[fuuuckyeahtomfisher]

Hi!! What are your thoughts on a hypothetical Graham Chapman biopic, starring Tom Fisher (as Graham)?

Ooooh this is a cool ASF question frfr!! Thank you for the ask @knoxoverstreet16 !!

Obviously, Tom Fisher as Graham was absolutely great in “Holy Flying Circus” (2011), everything from his jackets to his gay quotes to his wiseness and gayness in general was just….ABSOLUTELY PERFECTO *mwah* and in short his portrayal was and is absolutely amazing!!

Now, a biopic starring Tom as Graham? That’d be unironically a MASTERPIECE FOR. REAL.

Personally, I think Tom Fisher would honestly be an awesome pick as Graham, especially for a hypothetical biopic! Especially the fact that Tom can bring that vulnerability to some of his characters really really well fr, and I think he’d bring the emotional pathos of Graham exceptionally for sure!! I’d fr recommend you go watch this lil indie film starring Tom (in the main role ofc) called “Treacle Jr” (2010), as he’s absolutely great in that fr, as well as the fact that his character in that film really brings that vulnerability and emotional pathos, and ngl Tom’s character in TJ does remind me of Brian Cohen from “Life of Brian” (1979) in a way too (idk why but Tom’s character in TJ deffo has “Brian Cohen” vibes frfr) ! The whole film’s on YouTube so do check it out!

Ok, so in terms of how the hypothetical biopic starring Tom Fisher as Gray would be like? Mmmmm…..if we are to assume that it’d be a (mostly) live action film with some animation bits in there (aka a live action/animated hybrid film), then it’d be fr interesting! I’m thinking it could be like the Elton John biopic “Rocketman” (2019) in a way, where in that it is a fantastical reimagining of Elton John’s life (with some musical numbers ofc), and I can see the hypothetical Tom Fisher/Gray biopic going along that route!

Idk why, maybe it’s because I really love the animated biopic “A Liar’s Autobiography” (2012) (aka the animated biopic about Graham), but I think a surreal animated film (or in the case of the hypothetical Tom Fisher/Gray biopic, a live action/animated hybrid film) deffo fits with Graham’s vibes a lot more than if it was a traditional and conventional biopic (in which Graham was neither traditional nor conventional lol) as Graham was truly bonkers and wacky which was disguised under the fact that he mostly played the “straight” (badum tush) roles, aka he played the somewhat more “normal” character roles compared to the other Pythons most of the time, with some exceptions here and there ofc. Oh and also, despite playing the “straight” leading man, Graham was, ironically, NOT straight (he was a gay-leaning bisexual ofc). I think it would be further interesting if the biopic had a live action Tom Fisher/Gray intersect with the animated people of the scene(s) or smth like that? Like the bridge between reality and (animated) fantasy becomes more and more thinner and blurred by the minute, ya’know?

Anyway uhh tangent over, what was I talking about? Oh yes yes ofc, the hypothetical Tom Fisher/Gray biopic!!

Another thing that I think would be interesting in the hypothetical biopic would be Tom Fisher/Gray breaking the 4th Wall and talking directly to the audience (maybe in a sorta “Fleabag”-style 4th Wall breaking kinda way?) and there’s some characters in the film who are like “Gray….who the hell are you talking to?” and Tom Fisher/Gray is like “oh uhh…I’m talking to the ceiling” or smth like that, with Tom Fisher/Gray acknowledging that “it’s hard to talk with you when other people start noticing that I’m talking with you, ya’know?” or smth like that!

Some more things that would be interesting in the hypothetical biopic :

-It would be cool seeing Tom Fisher/Gray in Graham’s outfits from the different decades (like the 1960s, early-mid 70s, early-mid-late 80s, etc!)

-If David Sherlock (Graham’s partner and technically husband really) were in the biopic, then I’d think Peter Sandys-Clarke would great as David fr! Because yes. (Also they both look so so similar fr ngl)

-Tom Fisher/Gray singing “Medical Love Song” would unironically be awesome actually, fr.

-Also, ofc it obviously has to be unambiguously, UNAPOLOGETICALLY gay/queer AS FUCK. It’s what Gray would’ve wanted ofc <33

-ALSO also, it has to be in bad taste (by that I mean “good bad taste” not “Jesus Christ this is so horrifically homophobic and unnecessarily cruel and mean to Graham wtaf were they doing??!!???! bad taste”, as in “bad taste” like what Graham would’ve wanted it to be <33 as he is ofc “The Prince of Bad Taste” 😉)

-Tom Fisher/Gray as Baby Gray, Child Gray and Teenage Gray would be very adorable fr <33 🥰🥰

Anyway hoped you enjoyed reading this elongated answer by me @knoxoverstreet16 !! Again, thank you for the ask and I deffo had fun having a think about this cool asf idea frfr!! 🙏😊

[bramblewhisker]

ships: fireheart/mistyfoot, thornclaw/blossomfall, blackstar/tawnypelt

Ooh some unconventional ones!

FireMisty: Don't ship it

Why don’t you ship it? Never really thought about it, for the most part (and I tend to pair Firestar with toms, but that doesn't preclude straight Firestar ships). Could make for an interesting political marriage situation in a slightly different setting though.

What would have made you like it? If Mistyfoot spent more time with ThunderClan/just had more interaction with Fireheart in general.

Despite not shipping it, do you have anything positive to say about it? I think there's a lot to work with there, since they both had quite complicated relationships with Bluestar. Sure seems like a ship with a lot of fanfic potential, especially if you have events near the end of TPB take slightly different paths. Definitely plenty of room for chemistry between them!

ThornBlossom: It's canon but I wouldn't say that I "ship" it.

Why don’t you ship it? This is a perfect example of how I think of warrior cats pairing up for kit-making without it being a romantic relationship. I think of the ThornBlossom relationship being much more this sort of functional "we'd make some strong kits for the clan, wouldn't we?" thing than a romantic situation. We all know that Thornclaw's one true love is patrols.

What would have made you like it? Perhaps I missed some signal, but I don't feel like POV characters ever note Thornclaw and Blossomfall spending a noteworthy amount of time together or acting a particular way toward each other? Otherwise they're just background characters I don't think much about (aside from making Thornclaw loves patrols jokes). A bit of romantic background subplot would give me something more to work with.

Despite not shipping it, do you have anything positive to say about it? Certainly an interesting pairing if you want to make it romantic. He's much older than her and expresses very traditional/conservative attitudes about a lot of things. Whereas she's lake-born and her mother wasn't even a clan cat originally, so there's plenty of good "opposites attract" potential here. Blossomfall has some "mean girl" energy so maybe the two of them like to shit-talk together? Also the ship name is two different flower parts, which could definitely be fun to play with.

TawnyBlack: Don't ship it (but I think it's very funny)

Why don’t you ship it? Because Blackstar is so, so gay. I could see him making an exception for Tigerstar's kin to make this work, but nah, he's so gay.

What would have made you like it? I don't dislike it on principle. Sort of a political "hold this shit together" marriage between a weak leader and a strong, respected warrior. Basically what Tawny/Rowan is (in my opinion) a better version of.

Despite not shipping it, do you have anything positive to say about it? I do love a pathetic gay man and a tough lady. I think there's plenty that could be done in a fanfic way to have them be in a politically-motivated relationship. Tawnypelt would probably have to drive it, and I imagine there could be some fun drama with her having to find someone else to sire kits for "them" because, as noted, Blackstar is way too gay to make that happen himself.

[cordycepsfem]

Pageboy Readthrough, Part Twelve

Hello, hi, I'm the problem - it's me. I haven't been as diligent in reading this nightmare of a memoir recently because life has been entirely too busy. But I slept well last night and just learned that my plans for the evening are canceled so I thought I'd hop back in for a little bit - at least until I can't take it anymore.

All the previous parts of this readthrough can be found here.

Previously

EP dates a woman and they are very closeted

eventually this leads to their relationship ending

EP uses the word "euphoria" which I hate

EP gets almost high off writing about wearing swim trunks once when she was a kid

EP writes about a gay man in a way that would make me consider punching someone were I that gay man

and there was gratuitous use of the word "queer" to describe people who were, at least at the time of the events in the book, not "queer," as one was EP as a girl and the other was some kid's brother she knew, who might have been gay and who might have just been effeminate... and upon rereading this the only reason she did this was because he was wearing a Speedo?

your writer hates that with a burning passion and once again pled for EP to stop retroactively assigning "queer" to people for the sake of a memoir (RAQ for short)

Now

Chapter Seventeen

we start off with EP making plans to tell off her stepmother and her father for harassing her when she next goes home

your writer supports this

she never does it

instead her father comes to visit her in LA

he tells her he wants to talk about something that happened when she was a kid

this makes her nervous

instead of apologizing for the way he and her stepmother treated her, he instead says that he's sorry for causing her any stress by leaving EP's mom, but he knows he wouldn't have had the amazing relationship he has with Linda

this is devastating to EP

damn straight, fuck Linda

EP tells her dad she has to go to therapy and leaves early

she gets in a fender-bender on the way there

this is a completely normal response to talking to a parent and is not horrifying at all

Jesus fuck woman

thankfully the chapter ends here, with EP telling us that it would take years before she eventually says something (can't wait to read that part and I actually mean that, it's not sarcasm)

Chapter Eighteen

at age 12 EP decides that no matter what, acting will be her future

she makes friends with a weird kid named Jack who helps her work on her lines and makes videos to send out for auditions

they also play games and form the Pigeon Party

what's that, you ask?

whenever I hear about pigeons it just reminds me of the great Tom Lehrer song, "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park," and not enough people know about that, so here it is for your listening pleasure; Tom Lehrer is a genius and if you take nothing else away from my readthrough of this badly-written memoir, please take away a love for Tom Lehrer's hilarious songs

moving right along, EP's friends tell her that she would be cooler if she didn't hang out with Jack

but like a good friend EP sticks with Jack, even though he's weird and kids hate him (A+ work, EP)

EP goes off to Saskatchewan to film a movie and enjoys it

she meets a guy named Mark and they become friends

they share some of the same pressures and the same hidden emotional issues

EP writes that eventually she drifted away from Jack, annoyingly because her tastes become more mature, which caused your writer to roll her eyes (but just a little)

she meets up with Jack again when they're in their twenties, but frustratingly, writes nothing about how the meet-up goes, just about where Jack was living at the time

and your writer once again is abhorred by how terribly this is all written and surrenders

[casualgay-mer]

ND suspects ranked on how headcanonly lgbt+ are they (gayscale lol) this is my reality and I do as I please

Sorry if I mess up names, I played all thr games in russian dub soooooo yeah

SCK(R): Hol and Hulk and totally gay for each other no doubt. Connie and that blondie totally have smth going on, but Connie could be bi as well.

STFD: Everyone here is as cishet as you can get. Well probs Dwayne could be bisexual (or die-sexual)

MHM: ABBY IS THE BI QUEEN AND THIS HEADCANON IS CANON TO ME!!! Others are vanilla.

TRT: mmmmmm Jaque is french, which means that he's at least bi by default. Lisa looks a bit aroace to me.

FIN: Brady gives off strange gay vibes for some reason

SSH: Johanna has some string lessabon vibes to her. Also Taylor has something queer going on 4sure.

DOG: The gay radar is silent.

CAR: Ingrid is pan, that's for sure. Joy is probably ace but hugely romantic type.

DDI: MMmmmm nope. Nothing queer

SHA: I mean, two of the culprits are getting into the relationship and the other two are well yeah... Shorty could be somewhat queer tbh

CUR: Ethel is aroace and also scary as fuck. Linda and Hugh are a couple so no. Jane is a child but I do believe smth queer will be going on for her in the future. Nigel is just a nerd, but not queer for sure.

CLK: I could totally see Emily as a lesboromantic ace. Richard is extremely queer, as well as good ol Josiah.

TRN: Tino and Gloria share a single braincell, and also super cishet and down to earth. Charleena could be on the ace side though

DAN: EVERYONE IS BI HERE INCLUDING THE FREAKIN VENDORS AND A SQUIRREL, TIS FRANCE

CRE: Quigley is mooost likely bi, and Malachi probs too, but on the homo side.

ICE: Yeaaah Comillo has some gay vibes as well as Bill and Lou.

CRY: MMMM nope, everyone here are straight af

VEN: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm nah Well no! Enrico. Def at least bi.

HAU: there is a hetero love triangle and old ppl, of course everyone here is straight... ... But I need to say smth so the crow is gay.

RAN: ... ... Iiii refuse to talk abt this game bc there is literally no ppl :т

WAC: Despite some nay consider Leela bi I would disagree - I know ppl like that and she's cishet af. Mel however!

TOT: Everyone here is too depressed for my gay radar to work :^)

SHA: Yumi could be ace for what I see

CAP: nope.

ASH: Okay I am convinced that Ned could be bi, George is bi as fuck and Joe - even though he's not in the game has some queer vibes operating in his head. ALSO I BELIEVE THAT DIRDRE HAS SOME BIT OF HOTS FOR ND

TOM: Jamila is some alienkin or some shit ;^)

Havent played the other games so stay tuned }:}

[slyther-ink]

in response to @al-longbottom's post about what i would change if i wrote hp. here is the full explanation... (i might edit it a bit more later because this is a bit of a ramble oops)

1. more racial diversity and actually having that embedded into the story (having token characters with stereotypical names was very frustrating) i would definitely try and add more culture into backstories that influence even casual conversations etc.

2. more gender diversity especially with complex characters. more trans binary and nonbinary and honestly just well developed women characters too. we only had hermione as the main recurring character and i would love to explore her friendships with the folks in her dorm etc. as well as having some binary and nonbinary trans characters !!!! especially with the women and women adjacent side characters, they were portrayed quite shallowly sometimes. like the dislike of fleur, even though she was literally chosen from all of beaubaxtons, demonstrating her magical capability. it is possible to be feminine and powerful thank you. it was irrational of molly, ginny and hermione to all dislike her (for what seemed like her beauty?!?!) and i feel like it came back to the whole performative thing and that beautiful girls are always mean and the women jealousy thing or whatever and that was just ugh.

3. queer diversity of all kinds – deffo impossible that all the characters are straight and cis. sorry can’t accept that. i would write in my queers, lesbians, bis, pans, omnis, gays, aces, aros, demis, trans-mascs, trans-fems, nonbinary folk, genderfluid folk, sapphics, achilleans etc. etc. we exist sorry not sorry.

4. well developed character relationships. the golden trio independently making friends with other people. would love to see hermione and some study buds and ron playing chess with other folks.

5. give the full redemption arc to draco malfoy and not snape. it would have been so much more powerful to have draco redeemed (***not without him having to go through a gruelling self-discovery/self-reflection/my behaviours are wrong and i need to correct them and face the consequences of my bigotry***) because like harry, he was a child but on the other side of the war. i would write it in a way that away from his father’s shadow he gets to break out and unlearn the toxic stuff, even if that was ignited by voldemort's return (because the idea that you can unlearn your bigotry and become a better person is so so important). snape only did it because of lily and the whole toxic obsession thing, it doesn’t really count as unlearning bigotry imo

6. made it more explicit that dumbledore was a bad guy and the teachers very much enabled his behaviour. harry deserves some closure and its important not to romanticise asking a child to save the world. and also what happened with tom riddle and leaving kids abandoned until they reach hogwarts age is not ok. (i read a fic about it which i will recommend when i found it!)

7. showing mental health issues. even just school itself can be a struggle without all of the save the world pressure and only including mental health in ootp onwards where voldemort was invading harry's mind and then stuff happened. and also harry couldnt possibly be the only one.

8. having trans characters. sorry did i say that already? doesn’t matter. more trans characters please.

9. Maybe would’ve not had remus and tonks together *as it happened in the plot* because I feel like it was a little bit rushed so *if* I did keep them together then it would’ve been way more developed. however, I am slightly more partial to wolfstar so who knows….

10. show more explicitly that the houses aren't inherently good and bad!!!! that was honestly just so stupid.

[simplee-dreaming]

The Party

A/N: I spent far too much time deciding how all of their outfits were gonna look so I hope it paid off. Also, I know some things I mention have different names in different countries but I've gone for what I only know as the British version. Hope you like it! (Totally didn't get inspiration for this idea from driving past a joke shop myself...)

Word count: 2951

Summary: The reader attends her first themed party hosted by RDJ, but her outfit lands her in trouble.

------------------------------------

Tonight was the night. The night you had been waiting for for weeks. A party at Robert Downey Jr’s house. But not just any old party, oh no, a party for the Avengers cast. Not even just a party - a themed party.

See, Robert is well known for his themed parties. Of course he’s done the classics such as the black and white theme, the 80s theme, even the “dress as your favourite superhero” theme - what could be more suited? But he’s also well known for his unique themes. For example: dress as what you wanted to be when you were a kid; dress as your favourite fruit or veg; dress as another member of the cast; dress as your favourite gay icon. The list goes on.

This was your very first party with the cast though. Being the newest member, you were super excited to have a great night with them all outside of work - plus little Tom couldn’t stop guessing what this theme could be. It was, of course:

“Dress as your favourite board game.”

Yep. Board games.

You spent ages trying to figure out what board game you were going to dress up as. The main rule of the themed parties was that you couldn’t tell other people what you were going as unless you deliberately needed someone else to complete your outfit.

You were desperate for ideas now that the party was only a week away. It wasn’t until you were walking down the highstreet, and something in the shop window caught your eye, that you finally had an idea. You were standing outside of a joke shop, and in the window stood a dress...designed like a Twister mat.

Perfect.

The day had finally arrived. No one was filming today so you had all day to get yourself ready. Hair and makeup done, Twister dress on, ready to rumble.

You made your way to RDJ’s house at half 8 - late enough to not be the first one there but early enough to enjoy everyone’s company for longer. You smiled with glee as you stepped into the house. You were tingling with excitement as you walked towards the room where the music played. The minute you walked into the room, everyone approached you. And one by one you scanned them all to see what they were dressed as.

The first person you saw was Anthony, he was dressed up as Cards Against Humanity. Not quite a board game but funny nonetheless. The front of his outfit was completely black and the back was completely white. The writing on his front read “I drink to forget _____”, and the writing on his back read “Tom Holland”. You giggled.

Next was Scarlett. She decided to come dressed as Pictionary. Part of her outfit was made with polyester and nylon, and she carried around a whiteboard marker so that anyone could draw a picture on her outfit and others had to guess what it was. This could also be wiped off easily, ready for the next person to draw.

Sebastian was next, you snorted when you saw him. He was dressed as Frustration. His outfit was divided into the four colours: his top right being yellow, top left being green, bottom right being blue and bottom left being red. He had placed a semisphere plastic hat over his head and inside lay a foam dice which jumped about whenever he shook his head.

After Seb came Liz. She was dressed up as Uno. Her front and back were two different colours of the uno reverse card - the front being red and the back being green. The point of this is that whenever someone asked her to do something she didn’t wanna do, she’d just point to her outfit and get out of doing it.

Next was Paul B. He came as Trivial Pursuit. Random questions and answers were plastered all over his suit, such as: “how many feet are there in a fathom? 6”; “What three-word slogan was named the most popular advertisement ever in a 2000 poll? Beanz Meanz Heinz”; and his own personal saying, “Where do snitches end up? In ditches”.

Following Paul was the unsurprising double act. Big Tom and Hemsy. They had come dressed as Snakes and Ladders. Tom had glued a giant toy python to his all-black outfit, and Chris had stuck a cardboard ladder to the front and back of his all-white outfit. Simple, yet effective.

Then came Evans who was dressed as Noughts and Crosses, despite numerous comments from RDJ about it not being a board game. His back was full of paper noughts and crosses stuck to his top but his front had a similar material to Scarlett’s where the cast could play their own game on his front and then wipe it off for the next players.

You scanned little Tom next. He had gone all out with his outfit, dressing up as Operation. He was wearing a light pink coloured top and matching trousers and had stapled all the pieces of operation to their correct areas, such as the butterfly, the spare rib and the wish bone. He’d also used face paint to paint his nose a dark shade of red. Adorably creepy in a way.

Last, but certainly not least, was the man himself. Robert Downey Jr. He came as the popular game Cluedo. And boy did he look fancy. He wore a top hat that had a giant question mark stuck to it, and a tuxedo with a long sweeping tail attached to the jacket. Neatly placed all over his black suit were the names of the suspects, the names of the rooms and the names of the weapons - all written in white. He looked splendid.

“Twister. How unusual. I love it,” Robert said, the others nodded in agreement.

“Thanks, you all look incredible,” you said.

Little Tom held out his arm and led you to the dance floor where you spent the next hour dancing the night away. Big Tom and Hemsy were owning the dance floor with their moves. Many party classics blared through the speakers, including 5,6,7,8...which you knew the dance off by heart but RDJ had to be taught the moves by you and little Tom.

Another hour passed and you were sat with Scarlett, Liz and Paul in the other room where the music wasn’t so loud. Seb was with you but he had asked Liz to get him a drink and she played the uno reversal so now he was on drinks duty.

“Paul, can I borrow your suit just so I can literally look smarter?” You asked, he chuckled.

“Maybe I can just follow you around and relay the facts for you,”

“You could be the Yoda to my Luke. Though I think you’re too big to sit on my back,” you said.

“Here’s your punch,” said Seb, returning with two cups for him and Liz.

“Finally, what took you so long?” she asked.

“I stopped in the party room, Anthony and little Tom are having a competition to see who can do the macarena better,” he said.

“But...the macarena is the macarena…” you said, confused.

“Try telling them that. Tom insisted that the Brits do it better apparently.”

“Well, we do have some absolute bangers,” you chuckled. Paul agreed.

“So where did you get that dress?” Scarlett asked you.

“The joke shop down the highstreet. I was walking past it last week and found it in the window. Thought it would be perfect,” you shrugged.

“Until Mackie gets over excited and plays Twister on you,” Seb said.

“I’d like to see him try,” you replied.

“Ah, here’s the gang. What are you all doing in here?” Robert said, entering the room with big Tom and Evans.

“We’re just sat chatting….wait, have you left Holland and Mackie alone?” Seb asked.

“They’re fine, Chris is with them,” Tom replied. You tilted your head at him and raised an eyebrow.

“Maybe I should check on them…” Tom said, you nodded and he left the room.

“Soooo, how’s it going?” Evans asked everyone.

“We’re all fine but Y/N is a bit twisted,” Seb said. Everyone laughed but you bonked him on the head, making the dice jolt.

“Oi!”

You giggled and slapped the plastic hat again, the dice landed on a 6.

“Eyy I get another go!” You cheered before bonking him on the head again. He sighed but chuckled.

“Well it’s nice to see her dressed as an actual board game,” Robert said, turning to Evans.

“Hey, that’s not fair! Noughts and crosses is a board game!” Evans protested.

“I wanna play,” you said. Evans smiled at you.

You got Liz to play with you and you went first. You decided to play as noughts and took the bottom left corner. After a few rounds, you got a straight diagonal line. You cheered as Liz huffed, but she congratulated you nonetheless.

“I wanna play pictionary now,” you said, turning to Scarlett. She smiled and handed you a whiteboard pen. You thought for a moment then began drawing.

You pressed down on Scarlett’s outfit to make sure you could draw properly. You ran the pen down her stomach and she giggled.

“Hey, careful, that tickles,” she said. You blushed and apologised but continued. Everytime the pen went over a certain spot Scarlett would giggle but she never flinched.

“Okay, I’m done,” you announced. Everyone leaned forward and groaned once they saw it.

“Really? You know none of us can say that,” Seb said.

“First one to say it correctly wins,” you shrugged. You had drawn Mjolnir, something that everyone struggled to say.

“Midge-oh-lair,” said Liz.

“Mjohn-ler,” said Seb.

“Me-joln-ier,” said Evans.

“Hey! It’s Mjolnir!” came a voice from the door. Hemsy had just walked in with Mackie, little Tom and big Tom.

“We have a winner,” you grinned and everyone groaned again.

“Okay now I wanna play snakes and ladders,” you said. You scrambled to your feet and launched yourself at Hemsy, climbing up his tall body and clinging to him like a koala. He laughed.

“Okay, and what do we do now?” He chuckled. You shrugged and hugged him tighter, he returned the favour.

“As nice as this is, princess, I can’t carry you around the rest of the evening,” Hemsy said.

“Alright, hang on. Gotta complete the game,” you said. You motioned big Tom to come nearer and leaned over to hug him. Your legs followed and wrapped around his waist before you slid down his body and landed on the floor. Tom laughed.

“Impressive,” he said. You lay flat at the floor and looked at him, giggling.

“You’re very playful today,” big Tom said.

“I’m just happy to be here,” you giggled, he smiled at you.

“Alright my turn, I wanna play twister,” Mackie said, launching himself at you.

“WAIT!” You cried, panicked by his sudden movement. Mackie didn’t listen.

“I’m not doing anything! I need someone to give me an instruction,” he said.

“Right foot red,” Seb said. Mackie lifted his foot and put it on the first red spot he could see, directly on your tummy. You giggled as he adjusted his foot, rubbing it against your tummy.

“Noho Anthony!”

He looked and realised what he was doing, then smirked and vibrated his foot on your tummy again. You giggled louder.

“The twister mat is making noises, how do I turn it off?” He asked.

“Um, try putting your left hand on yellow,” little Tom piped up. Mackie grinned as he spotted a yellow spot on your ribs. He put his hand down and gave them an “accidental” squeeze.

“Hehey!” You shrieked.

“Didn’t work Holland, anyone else?” Mackie said.

“Try right hand green,” Scar said, smirking. Mackie placed his right hand on the green spot on your side and squeezed again.

“Stohop!” You cried.

“Right well that didn’t work, and I can’t put my left foot on it otherwise I would break it. Any other ideas?” he said.

“You may have to push a few buttons, try turning it off and on again,” Paul said. Mackie squeezed your ribs and sides again and shook his foot on your tummy. You screeched loudly.

“Nope, still making noises,”

“Let me have a look,” Liz said. Mackie had you pinned below his hands and foot. You started to giggle as you felt a single finger run up your neck.

“Nonono Lizzie!” You squeaked as she dragged a nail up the other side.

“There must be an off button around here,” she teased. She gently scribbled all her nails into your neck. You scrunched up your shoulders and shrieked.

“NOHOHOHO!”

“Definitely not here, you sure it’s not there Mackie?” Lizzie asked. Mackie squeezed your ribs and sides again and your giggles turned to laughter.

“Nope, no no, that’s made it worse,” he said. “Someone try a blue spot!”

Evans jumped up and ran over to help. He found a blue spot right on your hip, he placed his hand over it and started squeezing.

“NAHAHAHAHAHA!” You screamed. Trying to buck your body was impossible with Mackie still pinning you.

“Dammit Evans you turned the volume up!” Mackie yelled.

“Maybe the problem lies outside of the mat itself,” big Tom piped up.

“What you saying Hiddleston? That we’re the problem?” Mackie asked.

“Not at all, just that there appears to be parts connected to the mat, but not part of the mat itself,” Tom said, putting his hand on his chin. He slowly approached you and swiped a single finger under your knee. You kicked it away.

“Now it’s malfunctioning,” Mackie informed him. Tom hummed and swiped a finger under your other knee. You kicked again. He then spider tickled under both your knees and you shrieked loudly.

“PLEHEHEASE I’M NOHOT BROKEN!” You screamed.

“God DAMN you made it talk!” Mackie yelled.

“I know what the issue is,” Robert said, stepping forward.

“Do go on?” big Tom said.

“You need to hit all the pressure points at once. It’s like a giant reset button, wear it down till it reboots itself,” he said. Everyone looked at each other.

“Position yourselves,” Robert instructed.

Mackie stepped off of your stomach and knelt by your left side, Seb knelt by your right. Lizzie was still up by your neck and big Tom by your knees. Scarlett was by your right shoulder, Paul by your left. Evans positioned himself by your hips, little Tom the other side by your thighs. Hemsworth and Robert sat next to your feet.

“Nonononono please!” You cried.

“Rebooting systems in 3…” Robert began.

“No please!”

“2…”

“Wait!”

“1…”

“No wait I’m not brOHOHOHOKEN!” You cried as everyone attacked you at once. No one was pinning you down but you could hardly twist and turn with 10 people tickling all your spots at once. They were all ruthless and yet...you sort of loved it.

“PLEHEHEHASE NOHOHOHO!” You cried, flailing your arms around. Mackie and Seb were squeezing up and down your sides and across your tummy, Lizzie was tickling deep into your neck, Scar and Paul had just caught an arm each and pinned it upwards so they could tickle your underarms, big Tom was scratching under your knees and squeezing the tops, Evans was squeezing and scribbling into your hips, little Tom was scratching up and down your thighs and Hemsy and Robert had grabbed a foot each to tickle. It was pure torture.

“KEEP GOING, IT’LL WEAR DOWN EVENTUALLY!” Robert yelled over your screams of laughter. Everyone picked up the speed and you screamed louder than ever before.

You now had your arms and legs pinned by Scar, Paul, Robert and Hemsworth so you tried to buck your hips as much as possible and scrunch up your shoulders to protect your neck but it was no use.

“NOHOHOHO MOHOHORE!” You cried. You let out another loud scream and fell into a silent laughter. Tears filled your eyes to the point where you couldn’t even see Lizzie kneeling over you.

“Reboot complete,” Robert instructed. He stopped tickling your foot and one by one the rest of the cast followed and ceased their attack. You lay there, taking in deep breaths of air.

“You alright twisty?” Mackie asked, sliding up to your head. You nodded, letting out residue giggles. Evans gave you a hand up and propped you up against the sofa.

“You...are...all...evil…” you breathed out. Everyone chuckled.

“You were in a playful mood, we wanted to join,” Evans said, winking at you.

“I never knew you were so ticklish,” Hemsworth said.

“So would you be if 10 people ganged up on you,” you replied. He laughed and nodded in agreement. Little Tom sat down next to you.

“You okay?” He asked, pulling you in for a hug. You nodded.

“Yeah...that was fun,” you clamped your mouth shut after realising what you just said.

“Fun eh?” little Tom teased, quickly spidering your side to make you giggle again.

“We had fun too if that’s any consolation? Could go for round two if you want,” big Tom said. You looked at him and smiled.

“Not today I don’t think, you guys well and truly broke me,” you said, everyone laughed.

“I think I’ve already decided on the theme for next year,” Robert said. Everyone turned to him.

“Tickle Me Y/N,” he said, “where everyone has to bring a random object to tickle Y/N with. First to make her say stop wins.” He winked at you and you blushed and hid your head in little Tom’s shoulder. He chuckled and stroked your head.

“Now that will be a fun theme,” Mackie replied.

[randompurplepanthergorl]

My spooky month character HC's (for all the characters I have headcanons for) cause I can

Here they are (Prepare for a long-ass post)

-

Roy:

.His full first name is "Leroy" he just likes going by "Roy" (but only by his friends)

.Trans boi

.Dead name is "Aliza"

.Huge potty mouth

.Constantly raises the finger

.His hoodie is F L U F F Y as fuck

.Had an absolute shit family (transphobic (Not COMPLEATLY obvious, but they kept using his dead name and pronouns and getting him girly shit), homophobic, abusive, constantly used slurs, hated his friends which where actually MORE like family then his blood family-) but luckily he put a restraining order against them and ran away leaving a note calling them out, basically a huge "fuck you" towards them

.Is almost always sleeping over with Ross and Robert due to the situation (He switches between the places)

.Owns a truck (His dad (which has passed on and was the ONLY nice/GOOD family member to him) left it for him for when he passed on)

.He sleeps in the truck whenever his friends can't have him over (Their parents/brother WOULD like to let him stay but sometimes they just CAN'T so Roy ain't able to sleep over ALL nights)

.Really good with guns

.Pansexual

.Tiny angry boi

.Hates the spooky dance

.If he sees Ross and Robert doing it he will most likely give them the stank eye or glare at worst

.Only pretends to REALLY REALLY Hate Skid and Pump, in reality he only dislikes them

."Most likely to start a bar fight"

.Has amber eyes

.Met the other Hatzgang members when he was a girl and when he admitted he was trans they where 1000000% supportive

.Exact height is 5'9

.Smallest of the Hatzgang but the meanest/scariest

.Make him mad, R U N

.Does not like laser tag (He calls it "Looser-tag") but ironically likes laser tag like video games

.Would protect Ross and Robert with his life

.A lot stronger then he looks

-

Ross:

.The candy store dude, Kevin, is his brother (blood brother not adopted or step)

.He wears a beanie cause he hates his hair (it's in an unintentional mullet and greasy AF-)

.He and his brother live together with no parents (well, Kevin IS an adult and has a job-)

.Lives in an apartment

.Has an eyebrow ring but does not wear it ALL the time

.Also has three kinds of earrings (has three kinds of piercing's in his ear) but does not wear them ALL the time

.Likes wearing metal style eyeliner but refuses to admit it-

.Is MOSTLY chill like in cannon but my HC version of him also has a little bit of a temper but he'll hide it, but if he let it out- Let's just say, Expect tables to be flipped and a stool coming at someone's head-

.Has blue highlights in his hair but they're covered by the beanie

.He's Bisexual

.When coming out/admitting that/telling someone he's Bi, he will literally play this song and dance to it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3swobEQ6Y4 (More specifically the "It ain't no lie, baby bye bye bye, bye bye" verse)

.Really good with knifes

.Not "technically" friends with the spooky kids (their still warming up to him) but he's trying cause he likes them

.Likes doing the spooky dance (yes the whole ass thing and not the less exaggerated version he did with Rob in canon) but won't do it around Roy

."Least likely to start a bar fight but most likely to win one"

.Has sapphire blue eyes

.Exact height is 5'11

-

Robert:

.His middle name is "Tomas" or "Tom" for short, he'll even use "Tom" as a nickname and like it if someone does not feel like calling him "Rob" or "Robert"

.F l o o f y h a i r.

.Big Gay

.Actually has a crush on both of his friends but refuses to admit it cause 1: he does not want to make it awkward between the three of them if they ended up breaking up and 2: He thinks their straight (Their not)

.Loves plushys

.Has a plush toy army

.Big pure bean with insecurity issues

.Clumsy

.Only Hatzgang member that is confirmed as friends with the spooky kids (confirmed by the spooky kids themselves)

.Has eyebrow ring

.Likes doing the spooky dance but won't do it around Roy

."Most likely to loose a bar fight because he was too busy trying to be nice to people to stop it"

.Has emerald green eyes

.Exact height is 6ft

.Nicest of the hatzgang

.Goontle man (Get it? Like Gentle Man but a goon?)

.Likes picking Roy up like a ragdoll

.Likes picking Ross up like a ragdoll

.Likes picking Skid and Pump up like ragdolls

.He likes picking ANYONE that's smaller then him up like ragdolls

-

The Hatzgang as a group:

.They're all 16

.Literally NONE of them are straight

.Skid and Pump don't even reach their kneecaps-

.They all have huge sweat tooth's (not as bad as Skid and Pump but still)

.Still secretly like trick-or-treating (Even Roy, he just hides it a hell of a lot better)

-

-

-

Pump:

.Chaotic child

.HeHEHEHEHE FIRE GO BRRRRR-

.Can use a gun, which scares the shit out of everyone around him

.Eats A LOT of non-edible things such as a chair, Roy's shoelaces, coins, shampoo, etc.

.Can lift objects twice his size

.Friends with/Likes Robert but is still a little skeptical about Ross

.Would beat up Roy with a pillow

.Is the type of person to use a brick in a pillowcase in a pillow fight

.Likes making 'Woody' kiss people he does not like's faces

.'Woody' is a baseball bat

.VERY Surprisingly does not hold grudges like if someone destroyed something of his he'll be mad/cry about it for like, twenty minutes (ten if the person apologizes) then get over it and go "Ya know what? Forgive and forget, past is past." unless it was something special to him, if THAT's the case then expect him to beat your ass with the brick pillow

.His mask is an actual pumpkin with eyeholes (it was a mask but Roy destroyed it, feeling bad Ross and Robert made him a new one out of an actual pumpkin)

.Hides things in his hair

.Baby John Cena pretty much-

-

Skid:

.Jack Skelington is his birth father and the Lemon Demon from FNF is his step father

.Chaotic but nowhere near as chaotic as Pump

.Actually sometimes runs away from Pump-

.Really likes Ross but he's not in the friend group cause Pump's still kinda skeptical about him

.Hides things in Pumps hair

.Also hates Roy

.Would probably give Roy a cursed present (such as a fake head in a box, etc. (Both his birth and step dads taught him that))

.Likes pranks

.Second favorite holiday is Christmas

.Pure bean

-

Skid and Pump together:

.SoMeHoW when their together their immortal (apart their mortal)

.When their not stacked their both about the same height as a Fruity Pebbles cereal box

-

-

-

Kevin:

.Ross is his younger brother

.Has an ENTIRE PLAYLIST of Anti-Cop themed songs-

.He's almost always putting up with the Hatzgang's shit

.Also has blue eyes like Ross

.When at the apartment, or with Ross in general: Helicopter brother

.Will sometimes randomly start yelling out songs like "Bring me to life" at the most random times, never at an inappropriate time but random af- EX:

Kevin and Ross: Just sitting in the living room.

Kevin, out of the freaking blue: WAKE ME UP INSIDE-

."IiIiI hAtE mY jOb-"

.Will sometimes steal candy from work and somehow never gets caught-

.Ross will sometimes joke saying he's like the Candyman monster and he'll get him back by jumpscaring him wearing a costume

.Can and will use candy as weaponry

.7ft tall he could probably crush Skid and Pump at that height

.*Holds Ross* "If anyone even lays one finger on him I'll kill everyone in this room and then myself."

-

-

-

Candy Dealer:

.Actually moves like a normal person instead of, whatever's goin' on with his anatomy in Spooky Month Unwanted Guest- (Look at the way he walks and how his arm moved in that episode and tell me that's normal, I dare you)

.He's not a human, he's a void/shadowy being

.Trench-coat is actually a cape (Like it looks like a coat but it does not have sleeves and when unbuttoned it works like a cape) and can be easily removed

.He can eat human food if he wants but it's not necessary to do in order for him to live

.Goes by He/They/It pronouns (But he/him or they/them is preferred over it/it's)

.Can (Kinda?) fly, like he can't fly-fly but he can fly about two-three feet off the ground at highest- (He could recreate the floating boy chasing running boy meme-)

."If I ever find myself in love I want my partner to be graceful, balanced, stable-" *Insert Kevin falling down a flight of stairs* "-I want that one."

.Immortal

.Buff af

.His 'feet' are like high heal boots with sharp-ass heals- And to match they're fingers are sharp claws

.Does not have to wear the trench-coat technically, he could wear anything or just be naked (What? It's not like his 'thing' is gonna be out- He can make it invisible at will-) but he does have to if its sunny out, it does not harm or kill him but it severally drains his energy if directly exposed to it without covers

.Is immune to drug, cigarette, alcohol, etc. effects, he could seriously smoke fifty ciggs at once and be completely fine-

.Can't swim but can stand up in almost any pool so they'd splash around a bit dramatically shrieking before dramatically sinking then standing up a second later

.It's 12-13 ft tall at full height

.Constantly slouches making him look shorter (still tall but a hell of a lot shorter then it's full height) so when they stand at full height (Mainly he only does it out of anger or is in a situation he can't slouch) it startles a lot of people due to his size

.Can't take the hat off- Ever- Even if he wanted too-

-

That's it

[lifewithdavefarts]

DaveFarts - Episode 16 “Just a Beer” [Episode List] After filming another session for Greg, Dave and Tom go to a pub to have a couple of beers and watch a football match together. After the game, things get a bit gassy… but Tom is no Tim.

I’m too gay to write about sport properly, so expect lots of made-up names for teams and players.

POV: Tom

Just a Beer

“And that’s one more sting from the Wasps!” I said, taking a triumphant sip of my beer.

Like half of the crowd in the pub around us cheered, while the other half complained, all eyes glued on the screen.

“You guys are just lucky as fuck!” Dave yelled back at me, in a lame attempt to mock my team. He wasn’t mad, but clearly he didn’t like losing. Who does.

Dave is, for the lack of a better word, a friend from work, and we have a very… peculiar relationship back at the workplace. Our common friend, Greg, is a wannabe movie director and he’s currently trying to make some short films about obscure kinks, including mine: fart fetish. My role is essentially the “taker”, while Dave here is the farter, and a really good one I have to admit.

Over the last few weeks we had a bunch of sessions in front of the camera, and while Greg’s films were not my first experience in regards of, well, “acting” in this genre, Dave, my straight partner, certainly is unlike anyone I ever met. He’s ridiculously chill and we bonded pretty quickly, and I’m surprised by how actually comfortable he is around me even after Greg sends us home, as not only he obviously knows that I have a fart kink, but also because my job is to basically be under his farting ass.

“Come on, Badgers!” Dave exulted, as his team almost scored a point.

So, me and this guy started hanging out a bit more after each work session, due to some common interests, and in the end we decided to watch some football matches together in a pub not very far from Greg’s warehouse. This is like the 5th time we’ve been getting mad at football players together.

“Tough night, huh?” I mocked him.

He answered with a death glare and took a silent sip of his own beer.

At this point, The Wasps (my beloved Wasps) were leading the match and we were only a few minutes from the end. I’m pretty well-versed in sports and I actually play football myself with some buds. Dave is a sport guy as well, but he’s not as cultured as I am on the subject, though it is one of our main common interests, that’s for sure.

I ordered another round of beer (I’m a noble winner, so it’s on me), which my new straight bud gladly accepted. Despite the rivalry, we had a toast, just as the match ended, with Dave and half of the pub complaining about the embarrassing defeat of their precious Badgers. Luckily, no barroom brawl ensued.

“Can’t spell Badgers without bad.” I love being stupidly petty about this.

“You know what” Dave said. “Why don’t we take this outside, bro?”

“Ohhh you wanna go outside?” I replied. “Bring it, mate!”

We both stood up as if we were ready to throw hands at each other, but this was simply our super-manly-playful way to jokingly tell each other that we were ready to leave the pub, just to have one last beer in the park across the street, where we’d usually discuss the match we just saw without the loud crowd of the pub.

Before leaving we bought two bottled beers and then left. It was relatively cold outside, but my jacket did the job. Dave was sporting his most casual “tuesday night” outfit, a green hoodie and a pair of jeans. What was odd, among other things, it’s that this is what he wore for today’s fart session, which made me think of his rough denim ass crushing my face as he blasted me. He actually didn’t fart much outside of filming sessions, which I honestly appreciated. I’m happy he’s chill but I’m not hanging out with him to get kinky.

It’s quickly become a tradition between us that, since this town is pretty dead and boring unless it’s the weekend, we simply take a walk in the empty park, probably getting mistaken for weirdos, or two dudes going on a romantic date, if you want to consider this shitty park “romantic”. We usually then look for the bench behind some trees and bushes, were we could have just a beer and chat a bit more before going home.

Yes, two guys sitting on a bench at night, drinking beer and chatting, all alone, far from everyone. We’re either the most boring men you ever met, or the gayest ones (despite the lack of any actual attraction).

“We completely destroyed you” I said, commenting tonight’s game “but I gotta admit that you got Donovan, who’s a beast. Too bad he’s the only competent player in that sewer.”

Dave was sitting next to me with his own beer. “You may be a filthy Wasp, but at least you’re not blind.”

“I’m a noble winner, I don’t kick a man while he’s down… unlike Bennet.”

“Oh please.” he said. “That was an accident, Wood fell in front of him. He literally tripped over him.” he took a sip of his beer. “If you’re looking for an asshole, just ask Foster.”

“Foster is like the best player of the last decade.” he laughed at my statement. “I can respect Donovan ‘cause at least he got skills, but your boyfriend Bennet is mediocre at best. And that middle finger he gave Reed? Totally uncalled for.”

Dave chuckled and then pointed his index finger up, a smirk drawn on his face, and looked at me.

“You know what else is totally uncalled for?”

He narrowed his eyes a bit and the silence around us was immediately broken by a loud, long fart. I felt the bench almost vibrating because of the power of that blast, as he also leaned just a bit to ease his fart out. My first reaction was a stupid laughter: fetish or not, this guy got some mad farting skills.

What was even more impressive, other than the sound and the loudness, was the length: 7 seconds and it was still going strong. I tip my imaginary hat to you.

“You see.” Dave said, after the fart faded out, sitting normally again. “That was a fart, and it was still a better point than yours.”

“Asshole.” I replied.

“Yep. That’s where it came from I think.” he joked back.

We both resumed talking about the game, past games, future games, all while carefully making our beers last longer. All taunting aside, Dave did bring up some good points (actual real points) about both teams and he also agreed with some of the stuff I said. It was a civil discussion, until he casually started ripping another one of his loud farts. I didn’t mind the interruption, maybe...

“Don’t waste your gas, dude. We gotta work together again tomorrow.” I joked.

He laughed, as his relatively short 5 seconds blast ended.

“Well, we’re hanging out. So technically we’re still at work.”

He laughed again. I was confused instead.

Dave stood up, now towering over me, then slowly turned around and lifted his leg, fully showing off his denim butt almost in front of my face. He then gently reached for my head with his hand, gradually pulling me closer to his ass.

“I guess you could say that farting in your face is literally my job.”

The fart was incredibly loud, up close and personal... but I was having none of that.

I pushed him away, perhaps a bit too harshly, before the stench could reach my nostrils.

“What the fuck.” I said.

He interrupted his loud fart and he was visibly confused by my reaction.

“What’s the matter with you?” I asked him, as I however let him sit next to me again.

I wasn’t feeling in danger or anything, but come on. A straight guy just casually face-farting someone like me as if it’s the most normal thing in the world?

“I’m sorry… I thought-“

“Oh please. You can drop the act, dude.” I was kind of mad, not gonna lie. “What are you up to?”

Dave stared at me like a confused dog for a few seconds, as if he was trying to understand what’s going on.

“What’s your endgame? What do you get out of this?” I asked. “You have a dom kink? That’s okay man, you can tell me.” I tried to sound as calm as possible, but then I said some stuff that was downright, well, an accusation. “Are… are you doing this to blackmail me later? Are you filming all of th-“

“What the fuck.” he seemed genuinely offended by those last questions. “Why would I ever do that?”

Unbelievable. “Oh shut up Dave. A straight guy, just a guy, with no fart kink whatsoever, just deciding to blast my face? For no reason whatsoever?” as I said, unbelievable. “I mean it’s already weird given what we do for Greg, but this? I’m not buying it.”

I was mad, but I didn’t want to insult Dave, though I did have my reasons to be skeptical. The guy seemed like he was looking for the right words to say in the meantime.

“I see.” he finally said, then laughed a bit. “I mean, I can’t blame you if you’re super skeptical about this. Me, a straight guy, of all people, just being suspiciously open-minded about your disgusting fetish. Clearly he’s got some ulterior motives…”

Disgusting is not a bad word for me and he didn’t look like he said it to insult me, weirdly enough. I mean, fart-sniffing? I can admit it’s weird and gross!

“But I can assure you man, I’m just a guy.”

I narrowed my eyes, I was still not buying it. “There has to be a reason. No one is that open minded.”

He just smiled a bit, staring back at me. “Look, I’m not naive. I do have an internet connection! I know this is gross.” he said, as he stood up, as if he wanted to be listened carefully. “I wouldn’t want people to know that I’m face-farting you whether it’s for a film or when we’re, you know, hanging out.”

He took another sip of beer and laughed bit more, clearly knowing how surreal this fart-related discussion was.

“But I don’t know man, perhaps I have a messed-up sense of humor. Maybe I’m just as weird or simply… I know that my bud likes it, so I think… why not?”

“Yeah. Why not having gay dude’s face up your straight butt as you fart. Totally normal.”

“OK… What do you want me to say, Tom?” he sat next to me again. “You want me to insult you? You want me to tell you to get lost? I can do it if you want but that wouldn’t be the truth!” he was sincere, against all odds. “Dude: I like hanging out with you, despite well, your obvious gross issue: being a Wasp supporter.” he joked, why was he joking?!

I was still skeptical, maybe too skeptical know, so out of nowhere I reached for his denim crotch, with no respect whatsoever of his personal space.

“Whoa. Going for the second base, man?” he said, half-serious.

What I felt was, well, nice, but indeed he wasn’t having a boner. He had no kink about farts or being dominant. And honestly I had no reason to think at this point that he was filming this to blackmail me in a way or another, when he could easily do that with the hours of fart sessions we filmed back at Greg’s warehouse anyway.

Fuck. I just realized I crotch-grabbed this guy. I quickly backed away.

“Okay, I apologise for that. This was uncalled fo- please don’t use that as a fart-cue again.”

He laughed, being super chill about my awkwardness. Fuck. I’m not awkward, I’m mad! I’m not a stuttering mess! I’m better than this!

“B-But you do understand that this still is absurd: I have the right to be skeptical.”

“You totally do.” he firmly said. “I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.”

“It’s just… really, why would you do that? You really get nothing out it?”

Dave just shrugged and smiled. “I guess I got it all: I’m nice, cute, open-minded.” he joked. “And I’m comfortable with my own sexuality of course. You’re cool, but your face up my ass is not gonna awake anything in me, sorry dude.” he chuckled a bit.

I smiled and shook my head in disbelief, this guy truly is one of a kind. I’m not saying that all straight buds should be like him, I can accept people being disgusted by my kink, but man, Dave sure is different...

“Also, as I said, I’m aware that it’s disgusting, okay? Does that make you feel better, you freak?”

I laughed a bit. “I suppose so.”

“I know you’re not your fetish, man.” he finally said, as if this was the answer he wanted to give me like ten sentences ago. “Does that answer your question?”

“It doesn’t” I simply relied. “But in a weird way, it also does. Thanks.”

To me, it was still weird that a straight guy like him would just casually face-fart me with “no strings attached”, but I guess Dave can be trusted nonetheless, and I’m okay with that.

There was an awkward silence, but my new straight bud immediately knew how to break the ice again.

“And bro.” he said. “I’m just so good at it. Regardless of any fetish, why wouldn’t I want to share this?”

The bench shook as if there was an earthquake under the power of Dave’s blast, loud and proud as usual. It probably was the impressive rest of the fart that he tried to rip in my face earlier (what a weird sentence to say), and man, that only made his gas angrier and louder.

14 seconds, then silence, only Dave’s trying not laugh too much, with his damn smirk drawn on his face. I was impressed, and admittedly horny. I wanted to be mad, but there was something about him and what he said that, well, either he’ sincere or he’s the greatest liar in the world. I’d say the former.

“So what’s gonna happen now?” I asked.

“Same time, same place this Saturday? It’s the Wasps VS the Lobsters this weekend.”

I appreciated that. “Thanks, but I also meant, well-“

Dave simply stood up yet again, basically re-enacting what he did earlier, this time without me stopping him. Once in front of me he turned around, raised his leg and reached for my head with his hand, gently planting my face in his denim ass, immediately ripping another loud blast, a fart that he probably thought he owed me. I could inhale the stench of all of his previous blasts, as this final one made my nostrils burn.

That lasted “only” 6 seconds, but given the context, I thought it was the best one. I got farted on by Dave many times because of our filming sessions, but this one time felt different, and even better.

After that, he turned around and sat next to me again, as if nothing happened.

“Does that answer your *other* question?” he laughed a bit, and finished his beer.

No guy was able to make me look like an awkward idiot before Dave, fuck. But as I said, I appreciated that, not just for my weird kink. We both fully accepted each other tonight I guess, and I wanted to propose a toast to our weirdness, but I finished my own beer instead.

I didn’t want the face-farting to be the norm between us however, despite how I obviously appreciate Dave being ridiculously comfortable about it, but he seemed to understand that anyway.

We finally left our bench and walked towards the park exit, as it was getting late and we both had “normal” jobs to be at the next morning. As we approached the exit, Dave messaged back and forth with someone on his phone.

“Girlfriend?” I asked.

“Sort of” he chuckled. “This saturday a friend of mine is gonna join us.”

“Please not Greg!” we both laughed.

“Don’t worry. He’s my roommate. Not a sports guy but in his family they’re avid Lobster supporters.”

I faked an outraged expression. “The common enemy…” I whispered.

“I know!” he stated. “Let’s crush him!”

We shook hands as if we had a deal and called truce, temporarily ending our rivalry, because we’re very mature adults. We then went separate ways, not before exchanging a very manly bro-fist.

Thanks for the beer, but I still think you’re weird, Dave Maning. I guess you can be a good friend though, despite being a filthy Badger.

End of Episode 16

[variousqueerthings]

Tom Hardy Movies rated least to most queer

I made a list of some Tom Hardy movies and I rated them based on my own, non-specific criteria about what makes a movie queer. Results below the cut.

(Some films not included, because I haven’t watched them yet, because Mr Hardy’s only in them for a few minutes, because the subject matter doesn’t lend itself to this list, or because I just don’t want’em here. TV series also not included. The list is organised into both groups and ratings, because I’m doing The Most.)

Movies are divided into four groups and rated from 0 – 10 on the Queer-Scale, scroll down to the bottom if you want the ratings without the commentary.

Disclaimer: This list is subjective. Don’t come at me because I didn’t rate Inception higher, Nolan himself is as queer as cargo shorts. 

1. This movie would make more sense if it were queer

If this movie were queer it… might not become a perfect film all of a sudden, but it’d make a hell of a lot more sense than what’s actually going on. With an occasional dose of “are the cis-straights okay?”

This Means War (2012): So Chris Pine and Tom Hardy are ostensibly both in love with Reese Witherspoon, but say “I love you” to each other pretty much constantly throughout the movie and their friendship is often presented as a domestic partnership. Cool, cool, cooool.

Queer Rating: 2 out of 10. This movie hate-crimed me by having Tom Hardy literally spell out his relationship with Chris Pine, only for the script to then have him say… “can you imagine all that… but with a woman…” Later on the movie explicitly denies polyamory is possible. Fuck this film.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012): Batman movies should always be queer. Mr. Hardy’s the only one who acceptably camps it up, despite Nolan’s best attempts to make him “acceptably gruff.” No matter what you do, Bane is a massive daddy in a mask and thanks to Mr Hardy’s honestly iconic fucking speech pattern in this film, it goes from pretty atrociously straight to just queer enough to imagine a future where Robert Pattinson plays batman and maybe adopts a bunch of kids.

(the only truly decent mask in this franchise tbh)

Queer Rating: 3 out of 10. Mr Hardy’s back is the one that’s actually broken carrying any semblance of fun in this overly long movie all on his own.

Lawless (2012): Wow, this really was the year of the not-queer-enough, wasn’t it? Look, it’s “based on a real story,” but it’s also a movie and movies don’t need to stick to the truth, and this one certainly doesn’t. Was the guy queer in real life? I don’t know. But that doesn’t matter, what matters is that it’s just kind of an eh movie and maybe being queer would add something to it. One of those “but why make someone queer? because it’s always more interesting to do so,” movies.

Queer Rating: 3 out of 10. It’s just not queer. But Tom Hardy wears cardigans and described his character as a “mother figure,” which adds an interesting dynamic to him.

2. Actually Queer but in a homophobic way

Tom Hardy plays a canonically queer character, yaaay. The whole movie contains a strange sense of the director being too not-queer to actually engage with that and everything around him is almost aggressively straight, noooo.

RocknRolla (2008): Honestly this movie has the funniest coming out scene ever + that familiar undertone of “all these manly men secretly want to fuck each other” is only heightened by one of them actually being gay and in love with his best friend. It’s such a fucking… it’s such a movie. Personally I find Mark Strong, Idris Elba, Thandie Newton, and, of course, Tom Hardy to be really hot in it, so that’s a plus. There’s a scene in which Strong’s character teaches another gangster how to do a proper backhand. It’s really gay of him. Also slow-dancing at a gay club. Butler’s character needs to get himself together, you really don’t think 2008 Tom Hardy is hot? Mate.

(left to right: functional queer, disaster queer, distinguished queer)

Queer Rating: 6 out of 10, for having an actual gay character who is played by Tom Hardy doing a sexy phonecall voice to another guy, but then there’s that feeling you can’t shake that the whole movie is vaguely uncomfortable about it, like a family member awkwardly patting you on the shoulder after they found out you were queer second-hand, but they’ve still got 50 years of bias to unlearn. Also Thandie Newton is killed, fuck that noise. 

Legend (2015): If I had a nickle for the amount of times Tom Hardy’s played a gay gangster, I’d have two nickles. Which isn’t a lot, but weird that it happened twice (looks at Peaky Blinders and thinks it ought to be three times). I’ve watched Legend three times and every time it just… loses me. And because this is a biased list, I’ll only specifically mention that it fails to make Ron’s queerness anything but a way for him to shock others. Gangsters could be gay? Gasp! On the upside Tom Hardy has so much sexual tension with everyone in this movie, including himself (why would you do that? Asks Ron, bemused. Because I can’t kill you, no matter how much I fucking want to, hisses a blood-soaked Reggie right into his ear. It’s hot).

Queer rating: 5 out of 10 because the film is just not very queer for a movie with several queer men in it.

3. Straight as a forced family dinner

It’s straight.

Locke (2013): He’s a married man who had an affair and trying to deal with the fallout of it. This isn’t a spoiler for most of the movie, it’s a pretty neat movie where we look at Tom Hardy having a bit of a mental breakdown and taking lots of phonecalls (my personal hell). Is it queer? Not in the slightest.

Queer Rating: 2 out of 10 for Hardy’s face being in almost every shot.

The Revenant (2015): Yeah, yeah, DeCaprio’s and Hardy’s characters are obsessed with each other, yeah it’s a man’s world where the only women are dead wife, kidnapped sexually assaulted native princess, or background whore, yeah, they fight each other and there’s a ton of grunting, but also… I just fucking don’t like this movie. The thin line where a storyline like this one becomes queer might be crossed for others, but not for me. Fuck these guys and their stupid  bear fights.

Queer rating: 3 out of 10 for it being about dirty men in the middle of nowhere (but you could just watch Brokeback Mountain or The Lighthouse or God’s Own Country or any Mad Max, or, or, or…)

4. Queer? Queer. Queer? … Queer…

The plots, aesthetics and/or characters played by Tom Hardy lend themselves to a queer reading, even if there is no overt intention towards queerness. Often this is because of a deliberate lack of heterosexual and/or cisgender writing, which in this day and age is still pretty uncommon not to include within a plot.

Inception (2010): Okay, I don’t even need to write about the added “darling,” or the “go to sleep Mr Eames.” I don’t need to go on about the absolutely bonkers amount of fanfiction written for Eames and Arthur, based on a few minutes of film and a boatload of chemistry. It’s queer.

Queer Rating: 7 out of 10, because the actual plot of the film isn’t very queer, but between the Arthur/Eames dynamic and Elliot Page, Nolan was really given a gift he didn’t deserve.

Warrior (2011): Okay, so first off, this might be my favourite Tom Hardy film, at least some part of my brain is fixated on it at almost all times and I’m considering watching it for the third time in two weeks. I don’t only consider it queer based on Mr. Hardy’s character, although he has no romantic or sexual interest and could be read as aroace, but because of the themes, especially those surrounding said character, who is coded as a caregiver to women and through close emotional connections to men. It’s got possibly unintentional deconstructions of masculinity and two men (brothers) who need to forgive each other and can only do so through the catharsis of violence. It speaks to me as a transmasc with several cis brothers, struggling with my own masculinity. It’s not at all written for me, but I find myself all over it. I could talk about this movie forever.

Queer Rating: 8 out of 10. I’m not allowed to say any more or I’ll never stop writing about it. I love you Tommy…

The Drop (2014): Bob’s lack of sexual and/or romantic interest in Naomi is so strange to her that she doesn’t know what he would want from her otherwise. Bob really just wants to raise a dog with her (and also forgiveness for past sins). Bob is such a rare ace and possibly aro coded character, it really throws me every time I watch this film how obvious it is. Bonus points for also being autistic-coded and not in the stereotypical ways.

(Tom Hardy’s most challenging role: pretending he doesn’t know dogs)

Queer Rating: 9 out of 10 because it’s so fucking rare to see ace and aro coded characters that aren’t, you know…. serial killers. Also Tom Hardy adopts a puppy and has a very cute, kinda lispy voice. How often does Tom Hardy play softer men like this?

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015): Very deliberately no sexual or romantic writing included in Max’s and Furiosa’s relationship. Sure, there’s not a lot of time for that in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, but it was also done with a purpose! “It was always going to be two warriors on par, starting off with very little respect for each other and ending up with a massive respect for each other.” - Charlize Theron. “So of course they meet, of course there’s a relationship, an unspoken understanding. A recognition.” - Tom Hardy.

Queer Rating: 9 out of 10. It’s not just the characters, but the world and it’s apocalyptic BDSM leather scene, the questions it asks about sustainability and about people as tools, and the found family. It’s about overcoming violence through multiple kinds of love. And it’s about watching a guy playing flame-thrower guitar. What could be queerer?

Venom (2018): Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same… No, but Eddie is queer. The only question is whether the sequel will acknowledge that aspect or not, but even if not. Even if it manages to straightly bypass the reality of a symbiotic relationship with a genderless? genderfluid? being from another world that is linked to you down to your very cells and understands you more intimately than any other person possibly could… even if all that: Eddie is queer. Venom and Eddie are in a relationship. Any relationship Eddie ever enters into will automatically become a thrupple. He makes out with Venom in the movie! Eddie is queer.

(aw yeah that tongue is going down his throat)

Queer Rating: 9.5 out of 10, because it’s still coded by the creators in the language of bromance (hey, bro, is it gay if we’re physically and emotionally closer than any other people on earth?), but the movie is so, so camp and Mr Hardy’s acting choices are beautiful – the screaming? The lispy soft voice and lack of taking up space? The lobster tank? The only people who don’t know how queer this is are the people making it apparently. Fingers crossed for that sequel!

Hon. mentions:

Star Trek: Nemesis (2002): Star Trek – even at it’s worst (especially at its worst?) – is camp af + Hardy is a straight-up baby in this film.

Bronson (2008): It’s about a real person who’s still alive, so I won’t comment on the actual man. However the film seems to code the character Bronson along an ace line and also has genderqueering Vaudeville. Someone let Tom Hardy do more of whatever was going on in those stage-bits.

(this right here: this the good shit)

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011): Another ensemble piece not massively about Hardy’s character, but it’s a movie that centers around queerness in a strange, depressing way. Tom Hardy’s character isn’t queer. Colin Firth and Mark Strong are though. The book makes me cry.

Peaky Blinders (2013-): Because it’s a TV series I left it out. There’s a lot of straight nonsense going on there, but Alfie Solomens is gay. There’s nothing in the series that disputes that and plenty that lends itself to the reading.

Dunkirk (2017): Tom Hardy plays an RAF pilot in a deep emotional connection with the other main RAF pilot. That’s immediately gay. However he’s not in the movie much because of the way it’s constructed, so I left it off.

Queer Ratings (least to most)

No queer to be found here traveller:

This Means War: 2 out of 10 - illegal movie, Tom Hardy swore he wouldn’t do another rom-com after

Locke: 2 out of 10 - straight Welshman and his straight problems. He pretty though

Lawless: 3 out of 10 - cardigan-Hardy being a mother-hen, but very straight for all that

The Dark Knight Rises: 3 out of 10 - a superhero movie that doesn’t deserve Mr Hardy’s camp talents (unlike Venom)

The Revenant: 3 out of 10 - doesn’t give me what I want out of a movie full of dirty, bearded men

Queer but we deserve more:

Legend: 5 out of 10 - timid homosexuality, considering the source material. 

RocknRolla: 6 out of 10 - hey bro, is it gay if we kill the only female lead in our massive ensemble cast

The queerest of Hardy’s:

Inception: 7 out of 10 - Elliot Page and JGL kissing was an all-around terrible choice that made no sense, we know the truth, Nolan

Warrior: 8 out of 10 - I’m still crying, Edgerton’s crying, Hardy’s crying, we’re all crying, and I think that’s really emotionally healthy and queer of us

Mad Max: Fury Road: 9 out of 10 - non-romantic love in the time of BDSM post-apocalyptic wastelands is something that can actually be so personal

The Drop: 9 out of 10 - “Fucking punk. Go out to dinner dressed like you're still in you living room! You wear those big hippity-hoppity clown shoes! You speak to women terribly! You treat them despicably! You hurt harmless dogs that can't defend themselves! I'm tired of you man. I'm tired of you. You embarrass me!”

Venom: 9.5 out of 10 - Sometimes a relationship is an anxious reporter, the sentient goo inhabiting his body, his kinda-ex-girlfriend and her new doctor boyfriend, and I think that’s beautiful

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

I read your headcanons about James Potter and I’m really interested to hear your thoughts Sirius and regulus Black pls pls pls

Oh no.

Alright, strap in people, because I’m about to say some things that nobody will like.

Let’s start in alphabetical order with Regulus. 

Fandom often sees Regulus as a reformed Death Eater, the redeemed villain, or else a cooler suaver version of Sirius steeped in pure blood culture, making him more palatable than many pureblood characters as a love interest. There’s a lot of fics of him having almost defeated Voldemort, coming back from the dead and actually defeating Voldemort, reconnecting with Sirius, showing Harry the cool pureblood ways without being racist, etc.

Well, I don’t really buy into any of that.

I think, even with his defection, Regulus was likely still a very racist character and never really disavowed the cause. True, he was young when he was sucked in, he had his whole family meltdown when Sirius was disowned and suddenly he was heir, but I do think he really did believe in blood purism and nothing from the books suggests that he died not believing in it. He just stopped believing in Voldemort.

Instead, I believe he discovered that Voldemort a) did not mean anything good for his culture and b) Voldemort was a fraud.

What do I mean by that?

Well, in the first case, I’ve always viewed Tom Riddle in that period in time as a hate filled nihilist who doesn’t really believe in what he preaches. It’s just convenient to him as the purebloods are the ones with the money and the power. There’s no point in him appealing to Dumbledore’s ilk as they’re far less likely to be able to make him king (also it would mean putting up with Dumbledore and his stupid speeches about love and friendship). Most of Voldemort’s actions throughout the books don’t make the muggle borns’ lives miserable (at least not until he gets into power) but makes hell of the purebloods’ lives and absolutely ruins them. 

The Black family, in particular, he essentially wipes off the face of the Earth. 

With that in mind, I imagine a young Regulus eventually came to realize that Voldemort was systematically destroying the great families from the inside to put himself in power. It was never about the muggleborns or the country, it was only ever about power.

Then we get to the other bit, Voldemort being a fraud. Unlike many, I believe the Death Eaters had no idea who Voldemort was. It’s too unbelievable to me that some guy named Tom Riddle, who their fathers all went to school with, who everyone knew as a muggle born impoverished orphan, could convince them all that he was the next Merlin who they should devote their lives (and their money) to. Tom’s charismatic, but he’s not that charismatic. Better for Tom Riddle to just disappear entirely and show up as the Count of Monte Cristo, descendent of Salazar Slytherin himself, impressing all the young heirs while their young, angry, and stupid. 

With Regulus finding out that his great leader is actually just the halfblood son of a squib, the whole movement falls apart. Regulus is a pawn, fighting for nothing he believes in. Now, that said, I don’t think Regulus ever figured out who exactly, Tom was. He clearly knew the name, as we see from the locket, but just knowing that Riddle is a muggle last name would be enough to know that Voldemort was nothing he presented as.

Basically, Regulus becomes extremely disillusioned with the Death Eaters and Voldemort in a few short years. The change he wanted to see sweeping the country doesn’t happen. Instead the violence, which he was initially very excited for (guys, Regulus did join a domestic terrorist organization and I will not cut him slack for that, he was excited to blow up some muggle borns) is pointless and hurting their own people as opposed to the muggle borns. 

During all of this we have Kreacher borrowed by Voldemort for the creepy horcrux placement. This certainly makes Regulus go “hm” and he’s clever enough to put together on his own that the locket must be a horcrux.

That said, I do not believe he knew enough about Tom Riddle to have been able to hunt down the rest or even know where or what they would be. Dumbledore had been paranoidly collecting memories of Tom Riddle’s entire goddamn life and relying on the plot convenient aspect that Tom was apparently so much of a romantic he never left his horcruxes anywhere but Britain and always left them in very noticeable sentimental objects. Regulus knew about the locket because of Kreacher, had he lived, he’d have no idea where the hell else to start.

So that’s Regulus for you, a fairly intelligent, yet youthfully stupid, extremist whose dream did not live up to the reality and probably still would have spat in Hermione’s face had the gang resurrected him from being a lake zombie.

As for Sirius, well, he’s James the asshole times a thousand to the point where he makes some “ha ha, very funny, but actually really this is horrifying” decisions. 

I guess we’ll start back when he’s young.

We don’t see much of the young Sirius, and granted, what we do directly is given to us by a very bitter, resentful, and biased Severus Snape but his actions still read a lot like pretty much any Stephen King bully villain. The scene where they’re tormenting Snape (and Snape drops the slur, Lily abandoning him) is horrifying to read. And it’s clearly one of many moments over many years of this group of boys sexually harassing him (and yes, that was sexual harassment guys, let’s not pull out stops here).

Then we get to the joke with Lupin that... really wasn’t a joke.

The flimsy excuse we’re given in canon is that a) it was all in good fun b) Snape was so much of a coward he’d never actually go to the Shrieking Shack because he’s a big chicken. Bawk bawk bawk, Snivellus the chicken. But, well, these excuses are flimsy. 

When you get down to the bare bones of it what Sirius did there was attempted murder via his chronically ill best friend. It’s one of those actions that I simply cannot justify, even had Sirius not thought it all the way through, as boys will be boys. What was the good outcome there? Snape sees Lupin and shrieks in terror? (Only to probably run to some authority and try to get the uncontrolled werewolf the fuck off of campus, nice going Sirius) Snape gets infected with lycanthropy? Snape dies, Lupin wakes up covered in blood with the horror of knowing he ate a classmate? 

Later, we do get Sirius sort of apologizing for his behavior. But it’s at best a ‘sort of’ apology. He never admits the full horror of what he did, just how relentlessly brutal he was to Snape, or what the werewolf thing really would have ended in. Instead he goes, “yeah, James and I were kind of assholes. He grew up though, Lily married him so he couldn’t be an ass anymore! And it was Snape, Come on, Harry, it was Snape.” And Harry, messed up asshole that he himself is goes, “Yeah, it was Snape! Stupid Snape!”

I also never got the feeling he ever fully apologized to Remus. Sirius used Remus in the worst of ways, made it clear he had no respect for Remus and no compassion for his condition, and continues to treat him as a sort of secondary friend to James. I think it says a lot that Remus was able and willing to believe Sirius was guilty of murdering James and Lily in cold blood. 

Which probably gives you a hint that I think Remus/Sirius would never happen except in the most toxic of ways possible.

Basically, in a fair world, Sirius should have been expelled if not tried for the werewolf incident. However, Dumbledore plays favorites and chose the sons of two lords as opposed to the poor half blood (which I imagine cemented Snape’s path to becoming a Death Eater). And so there is some cruel irony in that Sirius was eventually jailed for something, even though it was something he didn’t do.

Now, after Azkaban, Sirius seems to have mellowed out a lot. While he’s a bit unhinged and thoughtless (his rescue attempt of Harry’s rescue attempt at the end of Order of the Phoenix) a lot of this can be seen as after effects of his stay in literally hell on Earth for over ten years. 

That said, a lot of people see him as the cool uncle character who, if Harry had been able to live with him, all would have been well. I firmly disagree. Young Sirius was, well, god knows how warped Harry would have been growing up with a young and reckless Sirius Black. After prison he’s in no condition to take care of Harry, and even says as much multiple times. Sirius is cool to hang around at a distance, but up close and personal he’d be very messed up and not at all ready to be a father to a teenage boy. 

Otherwise, Sirius was very very very gay for James Potter. Unfortunately for him, James Potter was straight and into Lily Evans. I’m sure it was a very sad day for Sirius when Lily actually said yes to James. Except not really, because James always strikes me as a “bros before hos” kind of dude. Not that I’m sure if Sirius ever admitted he was gay and in love with James, I’ve always been of the belief that pureblood culture is extremely homophobic and it just... wouldn’t come up. 

So there it is, now excuse me while I go hide behind this barrier before I get eaten alive.

[ohblackdiamond]

kiss and homoeroticism

You wanted the essay, you got the essay. 

Disclaimer: Please remember, cynical as it is, that KISS has always been into portraying particular images of themselves, and can and will change with the times and what they perceive as showcasing  what they feels is the appropriate message/depiction. I’m not saying they’re never sincere, but, well, I’d take most of what they say with a grain of salt. And I say this for every single one of the original guys. They are all chronic exaggerators and often embellishers, and no showman worth his salt has ever let the truth get in the way of a good story. It’s all about perception.

There’s more of a focus on Paul here than anyone else and I do apologize for that; I just know more about him so he’s much easier to point out for an essay like this. 

Calling this something like “times KISS has directly tried to court the LGBT audience” may, sadly, be a little bit of a stretch and a little too inclusive-- what they were mostly courting was the gay male audience. But let’s start with some stuff that’s definitive and, well, devolve from there. This one got away from me a bit. All opinions are my own.

*Bill Aucoin, their first manager, and his boyfriend, Sean Delaney, were gay. There’s a joke here about how despite everything this is the only real way KISS ever emulated their heroes the Beatles (having a gay manager), but that’s beneath me. Bill and Sean were out as far as the band and its associates went (and as far as their area of the music industry/celebrity went), but not as far as the general public was concerned. This was not remotely uncommon for the time period. All band members were cool with it and Bill and Sean would sometimes take the band to gay bars. All this to say that KISS was not unfamiliar with the gay scene at all.

*Their very first outfits that weren’t courtesy their moms’ sewing machines had their initial inspirations in, of course, the glam rock genre (KISS was one of, if not the last group to make it big in glam rock), but also in the leather subculture and S&M. This influence starts to fade out from tour to tour, but is probably most evident, I’d say, in Peter’s first real costume.

*Their stage moves-- specifically the KISS sway, and Ace dropping to his knees while Gene and Paul do the sway-- are courtesy Sean Delaney. Does it look cool for three guys to be synchronizing their movements while playing guitar? Yeah. Does it simulate oral sex? Yes. Was that their intent? Yes. There are a handful of concert clips where they go even farther with it (here is Gene simulating oral on Paul , and the second gif is Paul doing the same with Ace/Ace’s guitar). I want to emphasize that they’re not the only band at the time that did things like this, and I also want to emphasize that, again, image is everything to KISS and they absolutely enjoyed doing this for shock value and to play themselves up as “transgressive,” subversive, and dangerous. (No, I don’t know why or when Gene started licking Ace and later Tommy; I don’t think Sean can be credited with that stage move-- I feel like Gene just saw Ace’s bare neck one horny evening and went for it, and Ace either didn’t mind or at least dug it enough that it just became a thing.) But it’s also intentionally erotic.

*Photoshoots-- Hotter than Hell and the White Room sessions are the main culprits people point to (and again, it’s worth noting that everyone in the Hotter than Hell session besides Gene is drunk, and everyone in the White Room session besides Gene is high), but there are plenty of other press photos where the guys are posing, humping, etc.

*Marketing-- I’ve said this before, but Paul in particular was marketed as bisexual (I hate that this needs to be said, but I am only speaking of his marketing and not his actual identification.), even in goofier stuff like the fake KISS bios put out for kids. Paul even admits that his note to the fans in Alive is deliberately gender non-specific in order to appeal to as wide a range of people as possible. 

*Paul’s 1989 Playgirl article-- Playgirl’s main readership was gay men rather than straight women. While the interviewer for his article is a woman, Paul’s also really aware of the magazine’s primary demographic, and talks about losing friends to AIDS. (This is not me casting doubt on him having lost friends to AIDS at all, but I don’t think he would’ve mentioned it in a “straight” publication, especially not during that time period, when knowledge about AIDS, its communicability, etc., wasn’t what it is now at all, treatments were limited to nonexistent, and homophobia ran very rampant.) He really plays up to the interviewer and the whole thing comes off like a more mature, nuanced version of his feature articles from ten years prior, sort of portraying himself as this put-together, thoughtful, sweet rockstar that’s so different from his image and wants to settle down-- he’s selling the rockstar boyfriend fantasy.

*You can argue plenty of ways for the general antics of Gene, Paul, Ace, and Peter in particular during interviews. Ace tends to like to touch the other guys on the arm/thigh/whatever’s around. Gene hits on female and male interviewers without really skipping a beat. Sometimes the whole band starts hitting on each other. Gene jokes about his and Paul’s secret relationship and makes rather forthright statements. In KISS’ most infamous interview, Tom Snyder makes a pass at Ace, and Ace, inebriated, reciprocates (”I’ve got a little piece of pipe backstage I’d like you to work on...” “Tell me about it!”).  Again, I’m not going to make any statements on any of their actual sexualities-- that’s not what this is about; these are real people. I’m only focusing on what’s being projected. whether it’s just meant as a joke to throw people off, envelope-pushing, or on occasion an appeal to their gay fans, it’s quite frequent. Ace and Peter are referring to their sexual relationship over here, though, for what that’s worth. 

[transandor]

GenQ is there anywhere where I can get a summary to, whatever the hell happened with Isle behind the scenes? I only have the basic gist of -specific person is bad- and thats it and I am wildly curious about how on earth they fumbled the plot so bad

honestly i'm a Bit lost on the behind the scenes myself- i'm not too in the know with whoever the team was besides one person, and she's always been my main issue. it comes mostly after what happened in june- allegations against tom- which led to a break. the story they were telling veered off slightly, and instead of allowing the streamers to help the story along naturally, the behind the scenes team started quite literally railroading things so that events happened exactly the way they wanted them to, save for like, a rare case or two where karl wasn't sure what he was doing or jordan found a way around a plot point that they hadn't 100% intended.

there were a lot of plot points that were dropped and lost and a lot of unnecessary things that just kinda got worse and worse (i think they played connect four with a chicken for like, an hour or something) and it was incomprehensible at that point. i was holding out some vague sort of hope, and um. then they dropped the trailer for the olympics which- they'd been hyping it for a little bit, it wasn't an entirely out of nowhere thing. what was out of nowhere was the announcement of a fourth goddess that was never hinted at, never mentioned beforehand even in isles or on twitter, nothing. she also was said to be the goddess of water which went directly against information given early on, and it was just kind of. A Big Fucking Mess. there was a big enough backlash from the tumblr community at the very least that the bts team had to take a step back and go "okay well um actually here's what we'll do" and they made her. the. goddess of flow? i guess? and then there were posts in the discord, i think, about what plot points did fans want to see wrapped up before the finale. (and some of them were not done, and some of them were, but like. not nicely.)

i think their biggest issue is just that they kind of got too big for their britches and started thinking they could get away with anything as long as the fans were boosting them, and like. there were in fact plenty of people boosting them. again i have no idea about a majority of the writing team for isles, my main issue is with krys, who has made harmful stereotypical comments and choices (i made a joke post about all the gods being gay and she commented something like "at least two of them aren't" and later in the discord clarified her thoughts were 'mia was straight, dia was gay, ia was bi' and like. you can see why that's not a Great thought process. she defended it by saying it was her headcanon but she's an official writer and people don't really do "headcanons" with official writers, and usually take whatever they say as law.) she's also just kind of. i don't wanna say obsessive but looking back on the characters she played in season 2 and how some shit went down in isles it was always just kinda :T and she gives off The Worst fucking vibes. and she's just Not A Good Writer lol

so. yeah :) isles had a lot of potential and it went Down The Drain, and i am still not 100% sure why