#her mum (my aunt) doesn't like me because I'm trans

[soviet-siscon]

at least my cousin is back in the country for a bit, even if it is to see her awful mum

[millieindeed]

Hah, haven't done this in a while. Tagged by @notabuddhist

Ages ago admittedly, but then I lost the tab in my pile of tabs.

1. are you named after anyone?

Yep! A few people actually. Millicent comes from my great auntie Millicent. A ferocious and seriously impressive lady. I only met her a few times due to being several continents apart, but she always amazed me. I'm somewhat also named after Millicent from Ozy and Millie, the excellent comic by Dana Simpson.

My middle name Alice also comes from my Grandma. It's actually her first name though she typically goes by her middle name. Plus I like the association to a good friend and to she of Alice in Wonderland.

2. when was the last time you cried?

I think about a week ago? I've been rereading the exceptional Old Addictions Die Hard by @logjammer9000 and there are quite a few parts that made me sob. Indeed a big part of why I started my third reread is the most recent chapter included a character death that had me absolutely sobbing. She knows exactly how to destroy me it seems.

3. do you have kids?

No, but I'd love to. It's gotten harder (being trans is a complicating factor), and I often worry that I won't get a chance, but I really would love to be a Mum. On the plus side my sister is interested in having kids and I would be pretty happy to be a cool aunt to them.

4. do you use sarcasm a lot?

Hm. I don't think so. I think I did when I was younger, as I seem to remember having that as a reputation? but can't recall specifically.

5. what sports do you play / have you played?

Tennis and Basket Ball. I think the tennis was mostly just learning not matches, but it was outside school so I think it counts. The basketball was matches, and our team were....not amazing. But I really enjoyed it and it was crazy how much better I was at it than people who didn't play (crazy to me because I assumed I was bad) when I tried it out later.

6. what's the first thing you notice about other people?

Hrm. I'm not sure there's like, a body part or w/ever I go to consistently. It's mostly just 'do they have any distinguishing looks that make them look a bit queer', otherwise my attention often doesn't last long. Y'know, cool jacket, tattoos, pins, coloured hair, that sort of thing.

7. what's your eye colour?

Brown. I used to dislike that cause it was 'boring' and 'normal' but I think it's a fairly nice shade.

8. scary movies or happy endings?

Yup! Love scary movies, all about that. Love happy endings too, big sap for stories where things are just, nice. Doesn't even necessarily need stakes some of the time.

9. any special talents?

I'm bad at complimenting myself so I sorta just don't think I'm good at anything? I'm a bit of a jack of all trades and can pick things up pretty quickly. And generally do them reasonably well when I get a chance to figure it out. I can be really good at retaining instructions and then teaching others (was complimented on this recently so I can ignore the internal criticism).

I also think I'm pretty good with people. Listening to them and empathising when needed. I've been told I have capybara energy which I think is pretty special.

10. where were you born?

Misread this as 'were you born' and was wondering why Macbeth was fishing for information.

I was born in Arica, in Chile. I have few memories from there, mostly from when I revisited at age 5. We left after about 2 years.

11. what are your hobbies?

haaaah. Well. All of them.

I draw and paint; I crochet and knit; I like building models; I do puzzles; I game; I run & rock climb; I write; I like making things in general regardless of medium; I paint miniatures; I make games; I play TTRPGs (mostly D&D).

Not all the time, but those are hobbies I like and where I haven't done them in a while I intend to return to them when the mood takes me.

12. do you have any pets.

Yes! I have an absolutely adorable cat named Kita. She's a princess and meows a LOT and likes to sit on my chest while I work.

I also just recently got a puppy! His name is Ozy (officially Ozymandias King-of-Kings). He's a bit of a terror at the moment due to the puppy madness, but I adore him. He's the softest and cuddliest thing you've ever seen and when not mad, he's a pretty chill and snoozy guy. Also real smart, it's a danger.

13. how tall are you?

Last I measured I was 5'11. That was before the hormones though, so it's possible I'm shorter now.

14. favourite subject in school?

I loved anything that let me be creative. I got a lot out of creative writing, photography, painting etc. Sadly didn't really pursue many into the later parts of schooling as I went with the uni required English Lit which wasn't creative and was just reading and analysing which I didn't like. Some good teachers tho. I also loved Programming (the class had a few names) and was pretty decent at it. Also what I do now for a living.

15. dream job?

Ahhh, I'm currently struggling with this personally! I don't really know. The work I do is...fine. It pays well and keeps me engaged at least some of the time. I was liking it more because I got them to give me a 4 day week. But I found the income hit hard and am back on 5 days and hating it.

I think my current dream would be to run a Bookshop/Event Space. Somewhere fairly cosy with room to host like queer community events, or D&D games or that sort of thing.

That or some kind of artist/writer.

[ohayouototta]

I don't really care about what others think. Of course it's terrifying to come out to people, but I've done it before, and I'm stronger and more confident than I was then. And most of the people I know are great with trans people. One of my best friends in lectures is a trans girl. The other actively helps her transition, like going to get ear piercings and stuff. The best friend I live with has a trans brother. The president of the committee I'm on has a trans sibling and is doing their project on trans people. One of the people on the committee is a trans girl.

So I know that if I come out everyone else will be okay with it. The only problem is my mother. I'm basically financially dependent on her. If she found out I was trans again she'd probably cut off my money, she's said so in the past. Where would I go in-between years? It'd probably have to be a shelter. I think my aunt that lives nearby is good with trans people, maybe she'd help me out.

But what about my brothers? My youngest brother told me himself that I'm his favourite person in the world. I mean I'm sure he'd accept me as his cool sister instead of his cool brother, but what if mum doesn't let me see him? What if I never get to explain myself to him, and promise him that I'm still me and I'm fine and everything will be okay?

If my mum called me tomorrow and apologised for how she treated me and that she would be okay with me being trans, I'd come out to everyone that day. I can feel my mental state get worse as my entire life is held in the palm of one person. I want to talk to others about it but I don't want to talk to anyone about it. Hell I'm even considering never posting this because what if someone finds out. What if someone figures out my main account and then outs me and then someone in my life finds it and finds out and then it spreads to my mother and she finds out I'm still being trans without her permission behind her back. I had a fucking panic attack because I considered getting therapy. Because what if I tell all this to a therapist and they tell someone because I didn't check to see if it was confidential and then she finds out. I'm so paranoid about it I'm losing my mind.

Every night I dream about waking up in a woman's body and since it's out of my control she can't argue with it. So I have plausible deniability. Well it's not my fault I somehow turned into a girl, what am I meant to do? Transition back? That'd be silly.

I'm sure everything will turn out fine. I'm booking a therapy slot, I need to talk to someone about this. Even if it's not going to get the transitioning ball rolling. I don't even care about that much right now. I just need to tell someone.

[hellomynameisbisexual]

There are at least as many bi and pansexual people in the world as lesbians and gay men combined, at least according to surveys of western countries. But bisexuality is poorly understood - leaving bi and pansexual people feeling that their sexuality is invisible or invalid.

In Episode 1 of the new season of BANG!, people who are "attracted to more than one gender" share their experiences, and Dr Nikki Hayfield highlights some particularly damaging, often "biphobic", stereotypes.

To the outside world, Rose and Sam* look like any other straight couple. They're in their mid 20s, affectionate and obviously really into each other. The thing is, they're not straight.

Sam identifies as pansexual and Rose is bisexual. People define each of these sexualities in different ways, but for Sam pansexuality means that he's attracted to people irrespective of gender (as in, it's not important) and for Rose bisexuality means she's attracted to people "across the spectrum of genders".

For those shouting "but bi means two!", some people still use bisexuality to mean they're into just men and women, but others have broadened the definition as a response to the increase in trans identities and in resisting binary understandings of gender.

Both Sam and Rose came out in their early 20s, both had same-sex experiences and attractions in their teens and, initially, both put them down to teenaged "confusion" or "acting out".

As Sam tells me in this episode of BANG!, "Heterosexuality was expected of me and that's why it took quite a while to realise I wasn't that. It's why my parents still don't know [I'm pan]… I wouldn't be disowned or anything, but it would confirm that I'm the sort of black sheep, and that I'm less of a man in some way, and that doesn't feel good."

Rose grew up with an openly lesbian aunt; her family environment was welcoming of queerness. But she thought bisexuality meant 50 per cent attracted to men and 50 per cent attracted to women, and that the label didn't fit her because she's attracted to men more of the time.

That's until she turned 21 and stumbled across a Tumblr post.

"It said, 'you can be 70 per cent attracted to men, 30 per cent attracted to women' and I was like 'Oh! I think I could be not-straight then!'"

Soon after, Rose came out to her mum.

"When I told her… she was like 'Oh, I think I'm bi too!', I was like, 'What?! Why didn't you tell me! That would've really helped my coming out journey if you'd told me'," she laughs.

Rose's mum explained she had tried to come out as bi to some lesbian friends in the 1980s, but they told her she needed to "pick a side". This kind of discrimination from within queer circles makes bisexuals particularly vulnerable to social isolation, with many reporting that they feel "not straight enough" for straight circles and "not gay enough" for LGBTQ+ communities.

Rose and Sam are part of an open and supportive friend group, but even so - people close to them make incorrect assumptions about their sexualities because they are in a male/female relationship.

"We have had a friend who we know and love so much come up to us really drunk… and be like, 'You're just so straight! Look at you two!'... and I was like, 'No we're not!' It was sort of a funny situation but also… I don't think it's a funny joke to be like 'you're straight, haha!' Because you just don't know," she says.

Dr Nikki Hayfield is a senior lecturer at UWE Bristol, whose research explores bisexualities, pansexualities, asexualities, and LGBTQ+ sexualities generally. She's also bisexual herself.

"People do tend to take our relationships status as a signifier of our identity, and so it's much more difficult for bisexual people to be out about their sexuality, because their partner… doesn't indicate their sexuality in the way that it does for heterosexual people or for lesbians and gay men," she says.

"Bisexual people find that even if they've been explicitly out about their bisexuality, to say their friends and their family and their work colleagues, when they're in a relationship all of a sudden it's as if they didn't make that declaration of their bisexuality, and they find that people around them assume that they're 'gay now' or they're "straight now'."

Author and columnist Emily Writes was happily married to her husband when she came to terms with her attractions towards women. While her husband was incredibly supportive, coming out to some of her friends and family was trickier.

"A lot of people saw it as 'Are you getting a divorce then? Which I thought was really odd because that never crossed out minds… We have a really happy marriage and I don't see how that changes anything," says Emily.

As someone with a public profile, Emily copped the same social media flack as bisexual celebrities like Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus: That they are claiming queer sexualities as a marketing stunt. Another common biphobic trope.

"When I see somebody being like 'Oh now she's gay coz it's cool.' I just have this thing in my head where I'm like 'I've been gay! I've been gay! The whole time I was gay!' She says. "It's this thing around bisexuality or queerness, that people want you to perform it for them and if you don't then are you allowed to say that you're queer or bi?"

Here's why this stuff is so important:

- The Youth '12 survey, of 8,500 New Zealand secondary school students found young people who experience "both and same sex attraction" (gay, lesbian, bi and pansexual students were lumped together in this survey) are more likely to be bullied.

The majority of them had deliberately self-harmed. 18.3% had attempted suicide in the past year.

- Also - the proportion of them experiencing significant depressive symptoms has increased from 27 per cent in 2001 to 41.3 per cent in 2012. Opposite-sex attracted students had no significant change.

- Several overseas studies also suggest that bisexual people are at a higher risk for poor mental health outcomes than both straight and lesbian and gay people.

What can we do to help?

Sai, Charlie and Emma are students at Wellington High School who identify as pan and bisexual.

"Just normalise it. As much as you can," says Emma. "A lot of TV shows are having a lot of casual background queer characters and not making their queerness who they are… Let's hope it continues."

"I do think the term "it's just a phase' is so strange," Charlie says. "Because, if it is a phase why can't that person, like, live in that phase and be comfortable with that?"

"People are a lot more quick to shut it down the younger you are because they're like 'oh you don't know any better'," says Emma.

"It's just people with ideas about what things should be, having a go at people who don't fit their expectations, just like it happens with just your regular old homophobes," says Sai.

"I guess I just wish I had bi parents, then I'd know it was a thing. Or just bi people that are open and in my life,"

Rose, the bi woman in a relationship with pansexual Sam, has some good advice, too.

"Until I meet this new person coming into my friend's life, I'm not gonna presume what gender they're going to be, that's just putting my friend in a box... I kinda just assume everyone's bi unless they tell me otherwise."

* Rose and Sam are not their real names

[izzy-b-hands]

So

Huh

Fun things that's not actually bad maybe but I guess we'll see how the next family holiday goes??

My aunt had texted my mum for Xmas ideas, so I send mum links to send her (weird I know but my aunt doesn't like a lot of text convos all going on so this was just easier for all of us tbh)

And I sent along another weighted blanket link and one for a weighted eye mask (which. I know. I know, okay. But if I'm going to be this tired all the time then goddamn it when I sleep I am gonna be Maximum Seepy Cosy and that means weighted stuff all up on me)

And my mum just let me know she replied to those with: 'oh, okay, so what weight does she-sorry, he- want for the blanket?'

And my mum and i are both like wait wut

Because I haven't come out to that side of the family at all because they're usually pretty homophobic and transphobic

But apparently my aunt just figured it out??? Which isn't wholly surprising cuz she's done this before where she just Knows Shit before anyone tells her, like she's got some seventh sense for it and is always like 'it wasn't obvious?' abt whatever the thing may be when everyone else finally finds out

But yeah. So no idea if the cousins and uncle know or not, or if she's really chill with it (she seems to be, considering she corrected the pronoun easy and without anyone asking or telling her I'm trans so that's p cool tbh. It reminds me of how she used to be when I was really little, when she was one of my go to people when I was sad or lonely.)

But uh. Yeah. No idea how she figured it out. Unless she like found this blog or something or a cousin did??? So if that's the case, hi Aunt A! Hi Cousins H, J, and/or K since I have no idea which one of you might use Tumblr, that I fully admit I could never guess!

Anyway. Gonna let that soak in, and maybe finally get my ass in the shower. That's a good spot for that probably. Metaphorical, ya know? Info soaking in, water soaking, I'm rambling I'm gonna go do that now