#her lips r fuller than my life expectancy

[razorblade180]

Lasting Embers part26: Feeling

She’s doing it, she’s actually doing it. After years of just resigning herself to the background like the other fan girls he had, Yujin is finally making a move on Lie Tenzen. Her best friend since diapers and crush ever since she was about ten. The moment came for her to finally come up for air and she unfortunately broke off the lip lock. Surprisingly he never retreated from it; he actually leaned into it? Or at least that’s what it seemed like to the girl who’s face was now starting to turn red like her Aunt’s cape. The realization of what she just did slowly sinking in as he stares blankly into her eyes as she covers her mouth in disbelief.

Tenzen:Did you....*red* did you just- *mouth covered*

Yujin:I am so sorry for that! Things were getting emotional, I’m a mess right now, it just seemed appropriate and I-

Tenzen:It’s fine, totally fine hehe. I just wasn’t expecting it at all. Yujin, do you-

Yujin:LET’S NOT OKAY!? I.....I have a lot of things flying through my head right now okay? So uhh, rain check?

Tenzen:*Smiles* Sure thing, rain check it is Jin.

Yujin:.....

Tenzen:......

Yujin:Please start talking, I don’t care about what.

Tenzen:R..Right! So uh, feel any better in the slightest?

Yujin:Honestly.....hard to tell. *looks at hands* I definitely don’t feel as anxious but that’s as far as it goes I think. *frowns* I’m still so upset about everything.

Tenzen:Well that’s different.

Yujin:What is?

Tenzen:Admitting your feelings openly. You did it with no real struggle; I count that as progress.

Yujin:Oh, didn’t even notice......I guess you’re right.....

Tenzen:*frowns* You don’t sound too excited or happy about that.

Yujin:Tenzen, do you hate anyone? Like genuinely hate them?

Tenzen:Hmmm *leans back* nah, I don’t think I do. Hasn’t happened yet I suppose.

Yujin:What about the guy who hurt you and your mom.

Tenzen:Oh, that guy....well that’s a weird one. I definitely had no fuzzy feelings for him what’s so ever but I think I was too busy taking in everything that was happening. I was doing a lot of acting and reacting to really notice how o was feeling.

Yujin:Oh.....that doesn’t help much.

Tenzen:Thinking about your mom?

Yujin:*tenses up* It’s just....anytime I think about her something inside me wants to scream. The thought of looking at works me up until I see nothing but red like a child!

Tenzen:.....

Yujin:But.....there’s something else too. When I look at her it feels like....like my heart aches. I want to drop to me knees and surrender to it; stop fighting entirely. What the hell does that even mean?

Tenzen:I don’t know in the slightest. However, I do know I’ve never seen you in hate someone before and I doubt with all your feelings towards her that hate is the right word. Maybe there isn’t a word in the first place.

Yujin:*flops onto her back* Well that certainly doesn’t make things easier.

Tenzen:*stands up* Maybe sparring would help. You always think better while you’re moving anyways.

Yujin:Even if I was in the right mindset and my sword was fixed, I’d still say no. In all these years I’ve never once beaten you and adding to the lose streaks won’t help my mood.

Tenzen:I’ve never fought you with your semblance before. Could be the edge you need? *smiles*

Yujin:Last time I checked you didn’t use yours either to keep things fair. Sorry man, don’t feel like sweating.

Tenzen:If you say so. Anyways, I know I haven’t stayed long but I think I start heading back. We’re on borrowed time after all....

Yujin:Yeah.....*sits up* Tenzen? It uh...means a lot that you took time to help me. *red* So thank you and all that jazz. I’d be lost without you.

Tenzen:Nah, eventually you would’ve worked it out yourself. If you didn’t pass out from lack of food first that is.

Yujin:Hey I-

Tenzen:*kisses her forehead* Take care okay?

Yujin:*blushing* Sure thing....

And just like lightning, he was gone in an instant. That always seems to be his style; appear when no one expects it and leave just as fast. Literally more often than not, yet he also when to slow down and soak in everything around him; never leaving someone behind. Truly he has both Ren and Nora’s blood flowing through his veins. Now Yujin sits alone with nothing but her thoughts swarming and a scroll in her hand with Yang’s number in it.

Yujin:.........*puts it down* (Not today, not right now....) I wonder, what are you to me?

[Tai’s house, Day 4]

For the pass few days it’s been fuller than usual. Tai and Raven have actually been absent as of late to spend their week alone. Currently Ruby and Yang have occupied their old home with Jaune coming over constantly. Even more boxes and papers have surfaced with old memories that could help Yang give any sort of comfort to her daughter. Things were coming along pretty nicely; they might actually be done already if their wasn’t the want to satisfy other needs while they had the chance.

Yang:*waking up in Jaune’s hoodie* (hmmm must’ve passed out again.) *looks right*

Ruby:*toppless and asleep under the sheets*

Yang:*smiles* (You went from denying every aspect of sharing to actively joining us in bed several times. Hehe I wonder how dad would feel? Maybe it’s a family thing?)

The older sister carefully slips out of the bed and heads downstairs to find her husband. Sure enough he’s on the computer helping them get things done.

Yang:*drapes over him* Good evening handsome. Working hard I see.

Jaune:Just finishing up files Ruby was transferring over; she still asleep?

Yang:Out like a light. You did a number on her this time around. *kisses his ear* I’m almost jealous hehehe.

Jaune:Maybe I planned all of this? What if I wanted you to wake up first so we can spend time together alone?

Yang:Ooooo knowing you I can’t say that isn’t possible. Well we’re alone, so what’s the next step of this plan.

Jaune:Like you don’t already know. *smiling*

Both of them start laughing and kissing for a moment; enjoying the company of one another.

Yang:Alright that’s enough sexy time for now. I have things to write. *walking to the table*

Jaune:You day that but came down here with no pants.

Yang:So you can watch me walk to the table. That was my master plan.

Jaune:*Smiles*.......I’m going to miss you.

Yang:......believe me, the feeling is mutual. *starts writing* You I’ve been thinking....

Jaune:About what?

Yang:How I wouldn’t be wrong of you if you did find someone else.

Jaune:.......Did Yujin say something?

Yang:Nothing I didn’t already know. Only a truly good man would wait for as long as you did with no guarantee of anything good. For all you know I could’ve been dead.

Jaune:Yeah but I had faith. I know how tough you are and I knew I’d see you again.

Yang:But that’s the thing Jaune, you didn’t. *grips pencil* I could’ve kept you waiting for the rest of your life and that gets to me. Faith is a wonderful thing to have but I don’t want you relying on it. So promise me this time around you’ll-

Jaune:I am not going to see or even attempt to see anyone while you’re away.

Yang:Please be fair here. I couldn’t live with myself if you ended up-

Unknowingly to Jaune, his daughter is more like him than he knows. Instead of letting Yang finish her thought he pulls her into a more loving kiss. It catches her off guard but she melts into it quickly. After many years apart it’s still amazing how such simple contact never stops being so comforting.

Yang:*blushing* I love you. Hurting you is the last thing I ever want to do. *leans on him* Yet I feel like it’s the only thing I’ve been doing to you recently.

Jaune:*rubs her head* There’s not a day I went by I didn’t feel your love. I’m always going to feel your love, even till the bitter end. So if you’re really worried about me there’s only one to solve it.

Yang:*staring at him longingly*.....

Jaune:*grins* Fight your way back to me and never stop. You’ve come back home before so a second time should be no problem. *holds her face.* I will greet you with open arms just like before.

Yang:*tearing up* Please kiss me again?

Jaune:I’ll take that as you’ll do it? *kisses her*

Yang:Yes, heavens yes. Sigh, second time should be easier right? I’m a pro at this.

Ruby:*on the stairs* We’re both pros, and this will definitely be easier.

Jaune and Yang:....How long have you been there?

Ruby:Long enough to know you both have kissed at least five times in like eight minutes.

Jaune:So what you’re saying is this was actually all your plan?

Ruby:Something like that. Speaking of plans, besides trying to figure out how to transfer everything onto that stupid lap top I’ve been running scenarios with Adam about the mission. Or at least I was until he texted me that he was ordered to not think about work for the entire week.

Yang:.......When did you get his number?

Ruby:I’ve had his number for years. Like around Yujin’s birth. Actually, I think it might of been the day she was born.

Yang:You told me you were busy helping Blake set up her orginization when I was in labor!

Ruby:Yeah.....and Adam was there. Why is that surprising?

Yang:Because I’m just now realizing that man has been all up and through my family tree. Next time I see him all three of us are having a chat. *huffs*

Ruby:Oh don’t be such a-

The ringing of Jaune’s scroll cut her off. In that moment he remembered something extremely important that sort of slipped through his mind while he was juggling all these different problems. Reluctantly he answered the phone.

Jaune:Hey Yu-

Yujin:IT HAS BEEN TWENTY SEVEN HOURS SINCE YOU HAVE LEFT!!!!! What happened to “I won’t be gone too long!?”

Jaune:Yeah I’m sorry. I meant to call you and tell you that I was going to stay the night, my bad. There were things I needed to do.

Yujin:Did these things have red and blonde hair?

Ruby:HA!!!! *covers her mouth*

Yujin:Am I on speaker phone!?

Jaune:No you’re just loud. Also, for your information I’m actually doing work young lady.

Yujin:Uh huh.....

Jaune:*chuckles* You sound like you have more energy than yesterday, I’m glad. Are you eating again?

Yujin:Sigh....yes dad I’m eating. I got fresh air too.

Jaune:That’s a relief; did seeing Tenzen help any?

Yujin:.......*red* Yes

Jaune:*suspicious* He didn’t go in your room did he?

Yujin:Even if he did I had twenty seven hours to dispose of any evidence of what you’re implying.

Jaune:........

Yujin:No we stayed outside I promise.

Jaune:That’s a relief. *looks at Yang*

Yang:*writing*.........

Jaune:Hey, do you have a message for anybody while I have you here?

Yujin:Dad......

Jaune:Anything, literally anything at all.

Yang:It’s fine, don’t force anything babe. If she wants to speak to me then-

Yujin:*on speaker* I’m sorry I hit you.

Yang:.......

Yujin:.........*call ended*

Ruby:Well, that’s something at least. Bare minimum but it’s something.

Yang:I’ll take it.

Jaune:*smiles*

Yujin:*on her porch*.....(that was harder than I thought, a lot harder.) *looks at her hands*

A brief exchange was enough to make them clam up and a bit shaky. It almost felt like she wasn’t breathing for a second either has her chest had a burn in it now. Thankfully her stomach seemed to feel fine for the most part; just a bit awkward like there’s a knot in it. Being like this was slowly driving her up a wall though in the worst way possible; she felt so vulnerable and frustrated with herself.

Yujin:(Get a grip already Yujin. Stop acting like you just seen a pack of beowolves charging in front of you. It was just a phone call; a really hard phone call.) *takes a breath* Why was it though? If it’s not hate then what is it!!? What is going on with me.

Against her wishes she could feel her eyes watering a little. Crying got old the first time yet it was beginning to happen more often; each was easier then the last. The old Yujin would wipe them furiously but lately letting them flow freely was something she’d preferred. Plenty of people have told her before that crying was healthy but that didn’t make her feel better about it. To her it felt like a loss of progress and strength. Yang might not be someone she hates but she was definitely hating this situation. Now more than ever she just needed something to distract her and luckily the answer was few feet away, still broken on the ground.

Yujin:*picks up her weapon* I’ve neglected you haven’t I? Sorry about that, I should know better than anyone not to do that. Fixing you seems impossible but maybe I could melt you down and make something better, stronger even?

........

Yujin:*closes her eyes* I’m actually talking to a broken sword. Rock bottom never felt so deep. Oh well, just because I’m broken doesn’t me you have to be. Let’s put my skill to the test....

[Menagerie, Oasis]

Jael:Hey have you seen dad? We are supposed to go look any other spot to create an Oasis.

Sienna:Last time I saw him he was outside I think. *filing her nails* He seemed busy with something.

Jael:Was he know.....*floats to the roof*

Adam:*texting* “Listen Ruby that plan is really dangerous but I think with a little-” *scroll flies out his hand*.......

Jael:*Reading it* Seriously...?

Adam:.......

Adam:It was really bothering me okay?

Jael:You just can’t help yourself can you? I thought we were clear that this was supposed to be a work free environment for seven days?

Adam:Sorry, relaxing was never something I was good at.

Jael:*frowns* I know from experience. I just thought this time you’d last longer than four days.

Adam:....Can you float this way please?

Disappointed or not, she floats towards him and sits in front of him with her legs crossed. He quickly sat behind her and started messing with her ridiculously long hair. It always felt nice when he did her hair. No matter what style he decides it always looked perfect, so she didn’t even bother to put in a request.

Jael:Three more days then you’re out of here. Makes me wish the days were longer.

Adam:Try not to count down the time. Things seem to happen quicker that way.

Jael:That means you’ll be gone faster.

Adam:It also means I’ll be back before you know it.

Jael:*groans*

Adam:Admit it, that was good.

Jael:It was, that’s why I’m groaning.

Adam:When are you going to cut all this? It’s at your hips

Jael:*red* If it’s shorter then these sessions we have would be too.

Adam:.....*hugs her from behind* Everything you do really is for me isn’t it?

Jael:Not everything, just most things. Is that weird?

Adam:No, just don’t get caught up in it okay? Thinking “how would Adam see/handle this” is definitely not gonna work most times. Thinking like your mom though, can’t go wrong with that. I’m living proof.

Jael:Tell that to the rest of Remnant.

Adam: I’ll leave that in your capable hands. Unless there’s another dream that you want more.

Jael:No, everything is the same. Leave changing world views to me. People need to have more of an open mind.

Adam:Speaking of having an open mind.

Jael:Please don’t make this about something to do with Yu- your other disciple. *tensing up* The week is supposed to shut her out too.

Adam:(Won’t even day her name now.) Let me say at least one thing. Trust me, it’s something that you should keep in mind.

Jael:Alright....

Adam:I have no doubt one day you’ll eventually meet. When that happens I want you to at least make an effort to keep things civil. How can you change people’s minds if you yourself can’t keep an open one.

As much as she loved her dad, it was frustrating when he was right. He was always right! Once again all she can do is acknowledge that and keep it in mind.

Jael:Make an effort, I can....at least attempt that for the sake of my dream.

Adam:I’m not telling you to be her best friend or anything but who knows? *turns her around* Maybe after you meet her something as crazy as that could happen.

Best friends? It was true Jael was desperately craving to be around people her age that might actually like her but having Yujin as a friend seemed far fetched; and he put the word “best” in front of it. Jael knew full well that right now hate was too small of a word to express her feelings but she also knew that wasn’t exactly good. Hate is what got the name Taurus in such a sorry state to begin with.

Jael:Peer, I will treat her no less than a peer if we meet. That’s all I can promise.

Adam:Seems fair, I finished your hair by the way. Now you have braid to make moving easier. Kept the bang you had too. *pushes it away from her left eye*

Jael:Do I look as cool as you?

Adam:As cool as me? Pfft you’re the cool one. I mean your last name is even Frost.

Jael:Ugh, dad jokes don’t have to be apart of the experience.

Adam:Too bad, you asked for The whole package.

The two laugh and remain on the roof; enjoying the evening sky. More importantly, enjoying each other’s company.

[bunshuu]

mang whos still followin me on here. hey connor how do ya do. dia too. anyway hows it

 how each one of yall 296 followers hangin in there... tell me bout ya day, hows it hangin...... 

[rezilient-m3]

February 19

Wow, it's been awhile since I've written anything. Tbh, I've been putting it off. So much has happened...

I'll start off with my sister S, the one that had liver failure. She passed on Feb 11. What a week it has been. Before that tho, she came stayed with me. Her and her daughter came to my house, late on the 2nd, and surprised me. I wasn't expecting it, and to be completely honest, I was annoyed. Not at her directly, just at them not preparing me for the chaos and who's gonna sleep where and dealing with an even fuller house lol. (There was me, my 4 kids, nanny neph, sis, niece, her bf and kid.) They all stayed until Thursday. (I won't get into Wed night, when they all went out and left me and my sick sister with her 2 yr old. I wouldn't have minded, but I had work and wouldn't leave that little girl with my sister, cuz my sister was sick and could barely go up and down my stairs.) Anyways, my sister stayed when her daughter and family left. So, that's Tuesday to Friday I had with her. And I barely spent any time with her. I was working, then I'd come home and do the usual (cook, clean, kids), and she was always in bed. Now, looking back, I regret not just laying there with her. I had that chance to just be there and chill. But how was I supposed to know that would have been my last time with her?

Friday, my mum and our older sister, R, show up. I did not know, at the time, that their main reason coming to the city was to spend time with me and my kids. Anyways, they came and took 2 out of 4 kids, to go swimming at the hotel and spend the night. Cool, right? So, I'm sitting here, wondering what my plans should be. Then it hit me, I should go home to visit my dad, since he's practically home alone. It was already 430, and it's a 4 and a half hr drive, but I still decided to go. I had to ask my sister R if it was alright that I leave her with the 2 kids she had and asked my twin brother to come house sit. Then, it was set. I didn't end up leaving until 6 ish. Anyways, point being, my sister S was going to stay here with our brother, but decided, last minute, that she'd just go home for the weekend and come back with us on Sunday.

We drove, and she's talking, but I can barely hear her. But stuff about her accident. Blaming the ppl that were involved. I always wanted to tell her she shouldn't carry that shit in her heart. It was nobody's fault that she drank that day, nobody's fault they got kicked out of that party at the cabins, nobody's fault they rolled that day, and nobody's fault that she took Tylenol since to help with the pain she had afterwards. (Well, I can see how she could blame some things on some ppl, but realistically, she drank to be in that accident and she took those pills to accelerate her inevitable liver problems). But I couldn't tell her these things to sound like I don't care, or to further make her feel worse than she already did. Idk. I stayed quiet. About an hour away from home, we stopped in a town to pick up drinks and whatever. She was texting her friend and decided to stay with her. I didn't question anything, cause the drive alone seemed unbearable to her. She was nauseous and in pain. So, I took her there and that would be the last I got to hug her and tell her I loved her. I left.

Fast forward to Sunday, I didn't think anything of her not coming, I figured if she wanted to come, she would have called to make sure I picked her up. Plus, she probably wasn't feeling her best. All I texted when I passed that town was, "I love you". She wrote back, a few hours later, "I love you too my bean". And that was it.

Monday morning I had a missed call and voicemail from the friend I left her with, and a few msges from our sister R telling me S was in the hospital again. I didn't check the voicemail. All I thought was, "good, she can try get better again." And went to work. Later on my break, I got updates from R saying it wasn't good. They were allowing her and our mum to visit, but nobody else because of covid. Understandable. I still didn't think anything of it. But, I kept getting updates from R, of how worse she was getting. She said the Dr's were consulting with the hospital in the bigger city to see if there was anything they could do for her, or if she should stay there to be closer to family... They kept her. Plus, Monday night would be the last time she had a conversation with our sister. She'd now be on morphine to make her comfortable, which didn't help her be aware of anything. Now, it's Wednesday morning. I'm at work, on my first break I get all these msges saying she got even more worse and they were going to start allowing family come see her 2 at a time. This is when I knew it was really bad. I cried a bit in my car, msging Alex about how my sister might be dying and I didn't know what to do. I actually thought I'd finish the rest of the day and call in for the last 2 days. But, when I went in class and tried telling my teacher what was up, and her hitting me with that sympathetic "omg, are you okayyyy?" look, with the rubbing my arm thing, I teared up and shook my head no. She told me it was okay with her if I left. But I also had to go talk to the principal about it too. I cried in his office as well. But they were very understanding and gracious. Blessed for that.

Alex decided to leave work. I had a sitter to stay with kids, since they still had school. But he said he'd come anyways. I told him not to worry, but how could he not, right? I was glad he did, in the end, cuz he was what I needed later. So, I left, without getting to see him, cuz I was going the 3 hrs to get to the hospital, and he was coming the 7 hours home.

Anyways, I get there. All our family were taking turns going in to her room to see her. She wasn't awake. It was weird cuz her eyes would open, and be looking, but it was like she wasn't seeing. If that makes sense. That night me and my sister R spent the night with her. When we walked in, she was very agitated and restless. She was crying, hurting, and obviously very uncomfortable. She wanted to sit up, lay down, and scratching everywhere. It was very hard to watch. It scared me. Once the morphine kicked in, I seen her body just relax. The, sitting there talking about her, and her life, what we thought, we both said it would be better if she just let go. She was suffering and we just wanted the suffering to end. But it sucked cuz that's our sister. We weren't ready to lose her. But what could you do? She noticed that her breathing was a little raspy and her feet were cold. She said those were tell-tale signs that the end was near. Sad. Next morning, we leave cuz our mum wanted to come in. We went. All the family was back to taking turns visiting. This time it took me longer to get my turn, cuz more people were showing up. We all just stayed in the parking lot all day. I went back in about 230 or 3. She was obviously worse. I was hoping her hand and tearing, saying, "I'm going to miss you. D's gonna miss you." As soon as I said his name, she squeezed my hand and her bottom lip quivered like she wanted to cry. Then I said, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you sad. Don't be sad. We'll be okay. Don't be scared. I love you so much." And kissed her. Now, I was in the room with one of her daughters, and I could tell her couldn't really say want she wanted cuz I was there. So, I gave her time alone. Mind you, I was still thinking ill be back later anyways to spend another night with her. That didn't happen tho.

She took her last breath at about 4. I was sitting in the back of my dad's truck. My dad, my twin brother, and my mum were in there. Nobody showed any kind of reaction. I was crying. Frantically typing to my bf. Then, my niece J, opened the door and asked if I was okay. I get out and immediately started hyperventilating. I was crying, ugly crying. In shock. Standing there not knowing what to do, I sat in my vehicle, that was next to my dad's. Still felt weirdly uncomfortable cuz my nany neph was in there not saying anything, too. My best friend, A, came out of nowhere and I broke down again in her arms. I calmed down, and laughed in that moment cuz I seen one of my nieces bf wipe out lol. Good timing. Anyways, my friend said she was going to take her husband home and be right back. I ended up sitting in her truck for the next cpl hrs. I realized way later that I didn't even go hug any of my siblings lol.

We got to see her body one last time before they took her to the funeral home. I was one of the last people to get a turn, and I went in with one of her sons. I thought it was gonna be horrible, and I'd break down over her body. Instead, my dumb ass started laughing. Lol. Her one eye was open and looking right at me, and she looked like she was smiling. I apologized to her son about laughing. And him and I just talked about before, about him as a baby. My sister didn't raise him since, and I was always with her before, so we knew that about each other. Guess that was all we had in common with his mom; my sister.

So, when all was said and done that night, everybody went to the hotel. I just dropped off everyone who was in my suv and said I was going to go home to my dad's. He was the only one who went home that evening, so I knew he was home alone. So, I left. I wanted to be alone, and I wanted to just sleep in his house, where I felt safe. Before getting there tho, I tried so hard to cry. I felt like I wasn't experiencing her death like how I thought I would. Like, yes, I cried, but not like how I thought I would. That bothered me. Still kinda does. I listened to sad music. Got some tears, then thought, I probably looked stupid and just laughed again. Idk what's wrong with me hahaha.

Before getting home, tho, I msged my son and said I was going to stop at his house and hug him. I had to make sure he was okay. My sister was his Godmother, and although they barely had a relationship, I still had to make sure. Plus, it felt nice to just go be with him for a few minutes.

Next day was funeral home. The last drive home, with her down the highway. The wake. I made her a wreath. That was fun. Got crafty at the wake super late that night lol. But the flower shop in that town couldn't make enough, because there's a lot of families within our family and everybody wanted one done. So, I made my own. That was special.

Alex and kids came Saturday morning to be with me at the funeral. (I forgot to mention that this was the sister he was with first before me). Plus, this was also his first funeral experience with how we do funerals. They don't do wakes, or last goodbyes, or church.... The last goodbye I broke. I cried ugly and loud. He cried too. It was a sad day.

I didn't really feel anything afterwards. It still bothered me that it didn't affect t me like how I thought it would. Not until last night. I always loom at my fb memories, and she was all over my old posts, liking them, hearing pictures, commenting. Then it hit me, that she'll never do that again. I cried. Then, I went on her timeline to see what would be the last posts she wrote, or shared. They were from last summer. Mostly, obvious drunk posts, where she would be misspelling and not making much sense. I go to comments and there's me giving her shit. Wow, I thought. But then I remembered always being disappointed and let down. Those times I'd get upset was because she'd promise me to be sober, to visit, but turn around and drink anyways. That would offend me. Cuz I missed the sober her. I missed just hanging out with her. I hardly got that in our last few years, especially since I had quit drinking. I was sad. The thing that really hit home was seeing a post she shared, "All I need is for one person to not give up on me." Like hf. That hit hard, cuz I immediately felt guilty. Why couldn't I be her person? Why would I just easily give up on her when I knew she'd always choose to drink over me? I resented her. I was mad at her for it. So, I wouldn't try. That sucks.

But that is my next thing. I know I can't hold onto negative feelings like that. I can't regret anything. Anything and everything that happened, happened already, and for whatever reasons. She's gone. But most importantly, she's not suffering. Maybe witnessing her being in that much pain helped me be more okay with her dying? Cuz I wouldn't want her, or anybody, to go through something like that. It was horrible. I need to work on letting her go, in a way that I'm happy with the memories, and all that crap people say you should be doing lol. Idk. I will. But for now, I'm sad. I will miss her. Especially for the big things in my life. I'm still going to think of her, for the big events I'd know she would have been there for me. Sad. ~Rip S. I love you.❤

Anyways, another big thing happened for me right after the funeral. A happy thing. That is why that day was bitter sweet for me. But I won't get into that rn. I'm tired and it's late. I will be back soon. Plus, court happened today. That's another thing to get into. 😒 Nothing really happened there. But, as always, I will be back.

Until then. ✌

P.s sry if there's any mistakes in any of my posts. Not going to go over and read everything. This was a long one too haha.

[themeadowau]

Sweet, I blame you not, for mine the fault was, had I not been made of common clay I had climbed the higher heights unclimbed yet, seen the fuller air, the larger day.

From the wildness of my wasted passion I had struck a better, clearer song, Lit some lighter light of freer freedom, battled with some Hydra-headed wrong.

Had my lips been smitten into music by the kisses that but made them bleed, You had walked with Bice and the angels on that verdant and enamelled meed.

I had trod the road which Dante treading saw the suns of seven circles shine, Ay! perchance had seen the heavens opening, as they opened to the Florentine.

And the mighty nations would have crowned me, who am crownless now and without name, And some orient dawn had found me kneeling on the threshold of the House of Fame.

I had sat within that marble circle where the oldest bard is as the young, And the pipe is ever dropping honey, and the lyre's strings are ever strung.

Keats had lifted up his hymeneal curls from out the poppy-seeded wine, With ambrosial mouth had kissed my forehead, clasped the hand of noble love in mine.

And at springtide, when the apple-blossoms brush the burnished bosom of the dove, Two young lovers lying in an orchard would have read the story of our love;

Would have read the legend of my passion, known the bitter secret of my heart, Kissed as we have kissed, but never parted as we two are fated now to part.

For the crimson flower of our life is eaten by the cankerworm of truth, And no hand can gather up the fallen withered petals of the rose of youth.

Yet I am not sorry that I loved you -ah! what else had I a girl to do? - For the hungry teeth of time devour, and the silent-footed years pursue.

Rudderless, we drift athwart a tempest, and when once the storm of youth is past, Without lyre, without lute or chorus, Death the silent pilot comes at last.

And within the grave there is no pleasure, for the blindworm battens on the root, And Desire shudders into ashes, and the tree of Passion bears no fruit.

Ah! what else had I to do but love you? God's own mother was less dear to me, And less dear the Cytheraean rising like an argent lily from the sea.

I have made my choice, have lived my poems, and, though youth is gone in wasted days, I have found the lover's crown of myrtle better than the poet's crown of bays. Flower Of Love

~Petals~ chapter one part 2

I raised a eyebrow as I was surprised, I didn't expect this from natsuki though...I guess she is improving "Natsuki...this was wonderful..!" after those words she looked at me and her eyes sparkle with hidden glee"oh..yeah t-thanks! its not like I had to try t-though s-so don't get to mushy on me!" that's natsuki for you being to boastful until you compliment her then she pretends she didn't accomplish anything, but that's why me, sayori and monika love her here. "y-your poem wast that bad either like it could use some huge minor improvment's but it is ok..!" monika seemed done talking with sayori and sharing her poem with her, I could tell because she was starting to open her mouth to speak "We seem all done! now before we do our club activitys I thought it would be nice to have a friendly reminder that the school during this weekend will let the literature club go on a camping trip! so make sure you have supplies and stuff ready for when we go!" monika said without a doubt the contained happiness that still showed it, but I didn't forget I just haven't got the time when monika anouced us in a week advanced. natsuki already left the two table while I pulled out my book and contuied reading where I left off. "hey monika...?" monika turned her head towards me "yes yuri?"  my eyes gave contact to heres whilst I held the pages of my book gently with care "is there by any chance...t-that....." I cleared my throat "that the weather could possibly prevent the trip?" monika sighed deeply and not in a morning way "yes yuri..if there are any bad storms or terrible rain or anything else that could destroy are camp..we would have to put it on hold." I noded in agreement and looked at natsuki, out of everyone she never talks whenever we go any where besides the club room "alright just asking..." natsuki was very involved in her "manga" I do wonder what is really happening to the stuff she reads I do completely over look it....maybe it wont be so bad, I walked over and sat against the wall by natsuki she didn't notice me and I peeked over her shoulder and say the pages of art..."hmm---AAaA" she jumped out of her skin and nearly hit me with the book whoops "I-I'm terribly s-sorry I just w-wanted to s-see why y-you l-like manga so m-much!!" I clamly yet jumpily respond. "Well m-maybe next time you s-should tell me so Im not screaming like a lunatic!!" I chuckled slightly at natsuki's sour and red expression as she quickly turned her head back to the manga. "so y-you don't mind me reading with you r-right?" natsuki paused and rolled her eyes "yeah sure whatever just don't complain if you see anything you don't like alright" must of put her in a bad mood from that...before I knew it the rest of the day passed by pretty quickly, how was I so easily sucked into those cartoon like pages in a book I sighed and got up as I got my stuff ready to leave. I glanced over back at natsuki who was still involved in the manga we where reading "natsuki...." I saw her eyes glance up at the time and for a moment I saw a brief moment if still silence and her looking at the clock then she jolted up and grabbed her stuff like she was in a panic to get home..me and monika where the last ones out today monika said her farewells as I made my way home.I put my stuff and my bag by my bed as I got out of my uniform and into comfy cloths that I would probably have on tonight to sleep in...I looked up at my book shelve and then scanned it top to bottom then when I got to the top of the shelve I glanced at the pictures arranged on it. I grabbed the dirty photo and wiped off the dust and polished it once more "there...much better" I put the photo back on the top as I scanned the books I had.