#her being very uh. upset. and saying something vile in that head space instead of smthing she actively and unshakably stands by

[amatres]

the only thing i'd criticize merrill for is her comment on feynriel, otherwise she is flawless to me ❤

[esseastri]

Megan Reads Oathbringer (part 1)

Me: okay but I don’t remember the back half of WoR, I should really, really finish the reread before starting... Also me: okay, buuuuuuuuuuut................what if I just..............start

[insert evilkermit.jpeg here]

There are a few relevant points of information:

Tags: Megan reads OB and Oathbringer spoilers. (I’ll also have housekeepers on there, like Brandon Sanderson, Stormlight Archive, and Oathbringer, but those first two are the important ones.)

Everything will be under a readmore.

Above the readmore will be the page numbers covered in that liveblog, so you’ll know how far I’ve gotten (and that way, if you’ve read that far you’ll be okay to read the lb).

There's…going to be a lot of swearing? I have learned that I have no control over my language when I get overly emotional and I feel like I’m going to spend a lot of this book overly emotional. I would like to apologize in advance, and while I promise to try to keep my swearing to a minimum, there might be more than a few bad words.

Shameless self-promotion for the previous two liveblogs: WoK and WoR.

I’m pretty sure that’s all the important bits. Enjoy!!

Part One encompasses pages 1-90 (subsequent parts)

*screams quietly into the ether forever*

PROLOGUE

hoooolly shiiiiiiiittt: Eshonai

Please tell me this means we’ll finally learn why the Parshendi killed Gavilar.......

SHE’S SO EXCITED I’M SO SAD I hate knowing what’s happened to her

...the Parshendi...didn’t know about the parshmen? what? the heck?

I’m....baby Esh is so excitable and curious and I.. love her. and I’m so. so sad. that she loses this.

“an indoor privy with running water, a concept she still didn’t understand.” Who does, babe. Who does.

me, every time amaram appears: “fucking asshole. fuck off fckkkk” I just.... hiss like a cat every time his name appears on a page. I hate him. ARGH.

I spelled his name as “aramaram” and had to go correct it I was so upset he was HERE that I forgot how to spell.

“Traitors who had abandoned their gods to be free.” And they FEARED the return of their gods, before stormform and the Everstorm. They feared it--because they were not free... But...stormform isn’t freedom, and their gods are back and....history repeating itself?

Also, the fact that Gavilar took the time to learn her name is very endearing and like... Gavilar was A Good, guys. He tried so hard.

NOOPE NEVERMIND, BAD, ACTUALLY. THAT’S SO SELFISH WHAT THE HECK

“Bring back your evil, destructive, enslaving gods so that we can have our nice, honorable, fighty ones back please.” NO, THAT’S SO DISGUSTING THAT’S SO SELFISH WTH

GAVIILAARRRR. I BELIEVED IN YOU! I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU!! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU

WAIT, so he was getting the visions before Dalinar? Did we know this already? That makes sense... it’s very Boromir/Faramir, tbh, but like... what, one died, and Honor was like “welp. guess we’ll try his bro”

wait, okay, so ...the black sphere that he gives Szeth...........what. Esh knows what it is--so it’s some kind of spren. But it’s not the angerspren/hatespren that they bond with for stormform--those are red. So what’s...this one? Voidspren? Are there voidspren? Voidspren to create voidbringers...presumably more powerful than stormform.

I AM CONCERNED.

PART ONE

okay, that map tho; after reading Edgedancer, I’m VERY CONCERNED that there’s an Oathgate to Aimia... I don’t need any more 200-cremlings-in-a-trenchcoat popping up out of nowhere, but thanks anyway

it makes sense that this book stats with Dalinar, but HOW! IS! MY! BOY! WHERE! IS! KALADIN!

Dalinar is so polite tho. saying ‘thank you’ to the Stormfather

Also ONLY SIX DAYS???? AAHH

“It had been a hardy, stubborn lot who had grown in this place.” This is Kholinar: it highstorms nine months of the year, and weeps the other three. Any food that grows here is tough and tasteless. The people that grow here are even more so. The only upsides are the pets. While other places have...cats or chickens, we have...cremlings.

(Though Lisa made a good point--are there actually cremlings?? or are all cremlings just...bits of Aimians scuttling about like spy bugs?)

“The queen had gone silent.” I...genuinely don’t trust her, and I’m more inclined to believe she’s radio silence out of a need to save her own damn skin than any other reason.

......somehow I never really thought that Odium would be light...

THE WOMAN HE LOVED

YAASS.

(I have priorities)

They’re being cute. It’s been, like, half a page and I’m just over here making big, cooing noises at them being cute. help.

OH SHIT THAT WAS QUICK

THEY FOUND SADEAS ALREADY AND I AM CONCERN

(tho, I mean...it took them six days to find the body, that’s....actually not really quick. but still.)

OH WAIT NO, OKAY, IT TOOK THEM  ONE DAY WELL SHIT

oh god

Adolin, bby. pls. don’t.... LISTEN, THE FIC I WROTE ABOUT GUILTSPREN WAS A FIC

HI TEFT I HAVE MISSED YOU BUT ALSO PLS CALM DOWN AAAHHHH

this is page frikkin 37 and I’m already dying

I’M SO SCARED OF WHAT IALAI WILL DO. SHE’S GONNA PIN THIS ON BRIDGE 4 I KNOW IT. SHE’S GONNA TRY AND I’M GONNA SCREAM

WHY IS ADOLIN HERE. KIDDO PLS. DOn’T COME BACK TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME I’M

unrelated, but I can’t stop thinking about baby Eshonai basically damning her people to war and revenge to stop their gods from returning and Venli just like...whipping a godling out her pocket like “nvmd, we’re doing this anyway” and like. fuck Venli, tbh.

Back to current events and:

I love Palona.

“steady Adolin and impenetrable Renarin” HE LOVES HIS SONS SO MUCH I’M CRY

“certainly wouldn’t have gone so far as to kill Sadeas themselves” ABOUT THAT

I love that Urithuru has safety railings. like... throwing shade at every big space opera ever.

I still don’t know how I feel about Lopen growing his arm back...

“Our ultimate goal is the preservation of Roshar” Sorry, bud, Preservation is dead...

and also on a different planet.

AAAWWW SNAP! THIRTY-FOUR YEARS AGO! HERE WE GO!!!!

“He didn’t need Shards to intimidate.” Nah, but I bet they help.

tbqh, it’s really, really weird to think of Dalinar fighting not in Shards.

excuse you, that horse did nothing to deserve that.

heheheheh, so much for your nose, bucko

Gooooddddd, Brandon writes battle so cinematically. I want to film this. Gaaaahhh

of...of course punk!Dalinar’s horse is named Fullnight. How deliciously extra of him.

“I tried to kill you!” “from a distance! Which shows remarkably good judgement!” DALINAR, PLEASE. 

Enthusiastic ultra-Gryffindor rambo Dalinar is hilarious

It’s been 50 pages, where’s Kaladin

Sadeas in YELLOW shardplate?? who is he?

Also, ngl, I’m a lil pissed that I still have to deal with Sadeas--even if it’s young, not-quite-so-vile Sadeas. Like......he’s dead! I shouldn’t have to put up with his slimy face anymore!

“What would we do without you?” “Lose.” What an asshole. What a dudebro. I hate how much I love him.

the Thrill concerns me, tbh.

I know that we know it is of Odium, but like. It Concerns me.

THAT WAS QUICK

THE EVERSTORM TURNAROUND??? THAT WAS DISTRESSINGLY QUICK?

I’m sad Dalinar doesn’t get a little spren buddy wandering around with him at all times, because, like. Stormfather. But like. spren buddy.

Now I’m trying to picture the vast and infinite Stormfather just flitting around Dalinar’s head in meetings and making faces at Syl across the table and laughing my ass off.

oh NO not her SAFEHAND

seriously, they. are. so. cute.

“Your stubborn refusal to get seduced is making me question my feminine wiles.” HAAAAHAHA OMG, DARLINGS PLEASE

also, Dalinar, omg, give it up already, bro.

I realize there are like...ecological and climatology implications of the Weepings stopping before they are supposed to, but I can’t help but be glad that Kaladin won’t be suffering for as long as he normally would with the seasonal depression...

WHAT! WAS! THE! BOON! ...unless this is the boon. Unless Dalinar asked for the Nightwatcher to take away the pain of losing his wife and instead she took away his wife... and his punishment is something else.

in which case WHAT! WAS! THE! PUNISHMENT!

“I’d let a confused dishwasher marry us.” I realized belatedly that she meant, like...a person who washes dishes. And not a machine that washes dishes that most people on earth have in their kitchens.

Also, Dalinar and Navani really need to please stop being so adorable, I’m SO HAPPY THEY’RE GETTIN MARRIED AND THE FRIKKIN STORMFATHER IS GONNA OFFICIATE THAT’S HILARIOUS I LOVE THEM

I LOVE THAT THE WEDDING IS LIKE... HIM AND NAVANI AND THE BOYS AND SHALLAN AND A FEW OTHER MINIONS. THIS IS DELIGHTFUL. I LOVE THIS

THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT THIS I DISLIKE

Bridge Four is too important for guard duty! They’re so important! They’ve come so far!!!! I LOVE THEM!!??

she just had a wedding dress just... lying around.

god I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

...poor Elhokar. “if only we could keep up.” boy has no confidence and no chance to learn it.

NAVANI’S FRIKKIN GLORYSPREN OMG

“What does he remember that I cannot?” Uh...your other wife, my dude. I’m sure this has something to do with how your wife died.

AAHH. HERE HE IS!!!! THE BOY!!!!! MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nooooo. no, kaladin please. you didn’t fail. oh god, no, come on. don’t think like that.

I’m

aaahhhhh

“It felt wrong not to bear the symbol of Bridge Four.” AAAHHHHHHH

I’M

!!!!!!!!!

I’m JUST NOT OKAY

aahh, at least he was properly concerned about the Everstorm filling his spheres with...bad stuff? of some kind? I’m super glad that it didn’t, that it doesn’t, but like. At least he was concerned about it!

hello fronds, I love Syl a LOT

also: covered safehand, that’s hilarious. She’s a real grown up, now!

nooooooooooo

it can’t be all dead

they have to have

someone has to have been smart enough to get a large part of the town into shelter

Kaladin, your dad isn’t stupid, he would have. he would have tried.

(this would be way, way more distressing if I hadn’t been spoiled for the fact that Lirin and Hesina are alive...like...I’d probably be crying right now.)

“How often are you going to make me apologize for that?” Pfffft I mean.

HE GREW UP AND THEY DON’T RECOGNIZE HIM AND I’M

AAAHHH

“Are there wounded” and he just GOES because that’s where his dad would be and he just . goes. to his dad.

I’m crying?

THEY’RE CRYING I’M CRYING EVERYONE IS CRYING

THEY THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD AMARAM FUCKING TOLD THEM HE WAS DEAD AND I’M

THEY’RE

“MY SON IS ALIVE” YEAH HE IS AND HE’S AMAZING AND YOU’RE GONNA BE PROUD OF HIM OH

I’M

AAHHHHHH

I really hate Amaram. A lot.

his mom is a good. and she just keeps her hand on his shoulder like protectiveness and like reassurance that he’s still there and I’m. aaaAAAHH

“For now, he just wanted to be here with them.” GOOD. LET THE BOY REST. LET HIM EAT SOUP AND REST.

“The wrong-way highstorm” I mean...not wrong

“They never got to meet Captain Kaladin” aaAAHHH

I HAVE A LOT OF EMOTIONS ABOUT INCARNATIONS OF HUMANS AND I’M

this is a lot

LIRIN OFFERING TO BUY THE WRIT OF SLAVERY IS A LOT I’M JUST

crying

“Perhaps it was time to stop letting the rain dictate his mood. He couldn’t banish the seed of darkness inside him, but Stormfather, he didn’t need to let it rule him either.”

I...have a lot of feelings about Kaladin.

And I have a lot of feelings about how Kaladin and his depression interact and about how he deals with it. And how he’s seen the worst in himself and promised to never let it get that bad again. And how he’s seen that even though it’s a part of himself that he has to keep fighting, keep dealing with, keep understanding, it doesn’t have to be the only thing in him, the only thing in his life, the only part of him that matters. He can have other parts, other important bits of him and his personality. He might always have bad days, but that doesn’t have to be the majority of them. Not if he chooses to be stronger, to try to get better. There’s always going to be depression, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be other things.

It took me a longass time to come to that same realization and I just...am really, really... proud of him? and of myself? and of anyone who has depression who thinks the same way we do? and though I’ve found it to be a smidge disconcerting to have your own personal thought processes spelled out on paper by someone who isn’t you, there’s a comfort in that...I’m not the only one who feels like this, who has these ideas, who makes these decisions about my depression.

Anyway, I really, really love Kaladin and I’m. emotional . and I’m. “He didn’t need to let it rule him either.” No. We don’t. We can deal.

ANYWAY I’M EMOTIONAL ABOUT KALADIN AND IN OTHER NEWS WATER IS WET, FIRE IS HOT, AND THE WORLD IS ROUND.

WAIT. Did Syl.....was she aiming for someone else? “distant yet demanding”. Who else...was she gonna bond with. before Kaladin? My first instinct is Tien, but that...doesn’t fit. One of his men? in his squad? Or before that, Hesina maybe? I’m? ...surely not Lirin...... he’s not. enough.

god, his first thought is that Adolin would be disappointed in fashion heheheheh I love these boys. becoming friends. maybe. hopefully.

KAL PUNCHING ROSHONE IS A++ 100% GRADE A GOOD SHIT

GOD BLESS

AAAAAAHHHHHHH

“That was for my friend Moash” I’M!!!!!!!!!!!! EMOTIONAL!!!! ABOUT MY BOYS!!! AND THEIR FRIENDSHIP!!!!! PERSISTING EVEN THOUGH BAD DECISIONS!!!!

Kaladin’s stubborn refusal to give up on people is. A Lot. EVeRYTHING IS A LOT. THIS IS A LOT

“and for the first time in a long, long while, he was happy with that person.” THAT’S CAUSE YOU’RE A GOOD PERSON THE BEST PERSON AAAHHH

SUMMONING SYL AND “ANY QUESTIONS” AND OHHH MY GOD. that shit’s hot. I’m. hhnnnggggggg

“until he had enough stormlight to fly home.” home. I mean, we knew that “home” wasn’t Hearthstone anymore, but. Dalinar is home. The warcamps, Urithuru. Bridge Four. I...I am so proud of how far Kaladin has come.

“I don’t like the idea of swinging you around, smashing you into things.” “Firstly, I don’t smash into things. I am an elegant and graceful weapon.” HI, I LOVE SYL A LOT

GET IT, LARAL

HECK YE

“That’s a girl I was never going to marry, no matter what happened.” “I like her.” “You would.” I LIKE HER TOO SHE’S STRONG AND CAPABEL AND DON’T NEED NO MAN. GET IT, GIIIRRLL!!!!

I love that Roshar has a Hippocratic oath equivalent. I also have mixed feelings on Lirin’s incredibly strict adherence to his Hippocratic oath equivalent. like..yeah, Do No Harm is one thing. But being self-righteous about it to the point of not wanting your son to fight evil monsters from the void? Take a chill pill, my dude.

NAVANI SPANREEDING HIM PERSONALLY IS A LOT

also, I really have strong feelings about Dalinar generally addressing Kaladin as “soldier” and the responding “Sir.” I know they had a long talk about chain of command, but it’s just. so satisfying that it’s still going.

“Send us a glyph each evening to know you are safe.” GOOD DAD IS WORRIED ABOUT HIS SON AND I’M EMOTIONAL

AAAHHHHH HIS VERY FIRST INSTINCT IS TO HOLD HIS BABY BROTHER I’M!!! KALADIN IS SO GOOD AND LOVING AND WONDERFUL!!!

guys, I don’t know if you know this about me, but I really love Kaladin.

guys, I don’t know if you know this about me, bUT I REALLY LOVE KALADIN.

[replicarters]

hellraiser 3 funtime carnival, pt 2

PREVIOUSLY

so my dude @yvenly, unbeknownst to me, loves a hellraiser and has a fuckin shirt of the scary man that he was wearing while reading the first part. jake assures me that the scary man is not going to come and get me and nothing i own is haunted. i trust jake, so fortunately i am able to continue what i started to do the other night, which is watch a scary gory movie starring a space angel. i can confirm it is both gory and scaring me. let me remind you, me, and god that i am only 20 minutes into it, and it took exactly 6 minutes to get to the point where i was gently pissing myself. i shudder to think what the remaining hour and ten minutes hold.

i would very much enjoy if it held more of this:

and less deep crimson rivers, but i know i'm wishing for too much.

hot topic is making breakfast, terribly. this charred, molten husk, for instance, lying atop a burner, is either toast or a severed steak. i think it's toast. everything is burning and she should stop. now, just last night, hot topic was bumming smokes, recklessly flipping curtains open, sitting on the couch weird, and emptying the contents of her backpack all over the floor. but now all of a sudden it's "hey what's up let me make breakfast", so, great, now i'm invested in this blossoming love story. god, what if hot topic dies??? i don't think i could handle that. she and joey are friends now! hot topic's trying to make her food to repay her kindness! it's all fine with me as you might guess.

hot topic's name actually is... terry... or teri... or something. hmmmm. i like to imagine the mental force of will required to not constantly go "yeah?" at your own name not being used to address you. acting!

here's where it starts to cross over into the gay danger zone, when hot topic says it's her first time cooking. and the turn of phrase she uses is that she's a... kitchen... virgin...?

is that... so...?

joey offers to boil some water and says it's a specialty of hers and they laugh awkwardly like two heteros having a hetero time. joey also starts to make a suggestion to hot topic, and i thought to myself, "is she going to tell her to go watch cartoons?" and that's Exactly what she fucking did. i bet hot topic is a big fan of the snorks.

that cookbook appears to be campbell's microwave cookbook, which is wonderful on about 15 different levels. microwave cookbook being levels one through ten.

hot topic dances on the edge of the gay event horizon by sneaking a peek in joey's closet Come On Now is this for real

and joey is apparently not that great with toast either so i don't know how these girls are going to feed each other after they defeat the hellraiser and get married.

one LITTLE detail left out until the change in camera angle is that hot topic isn't wearing any pants. that seems like it was pretty important information for me to have, for the f/f hellraiser 3 fanfic i am now writing.

everything is all fine and dandy until the music starts going again and hot topic gets upset. she really loves it here. she wants the movie to flip into a lesbian romcom instead of being the mind-crushing hack-and-slash that it is. you guys what if she gets hacked and slashed?! oh god i don't want it

"uhhh a guy's head exploded in the first six minutes; we can't go back." yes, joey has to solve this mystery, which, i mean, she's braver than me; if i watched a guy get blasted all over the hospital walls after chains pulled his head apart i'd have a repressed memory that wouldn't resurface until years and years later, at which point i'd pass out in the grocery store as a grown adult with kids or something, and when i came to i'd remember the hell out of it and wouldn't stop screaming until my vocal chords snapped.

oh my good god

there's something important happening here but all i heard was "we're going shopping." forrrrrr strap-ons?

oh, they came to the hobo man's art gallery that's only open at night, and that i keep calling the pyramidhead gallery in my head. also check out those pants. yikesaroo! i can hear 1992's sears catalog calling from a landfill!

gracious me this whole ensemble! noooo.

"maybe they're closed." they're not closed, they just cannot let you in dressed like you belong in a parade on stilts. it will offend the art and we'll have more bad guys roaming around in the spooky shadows.

some man with a dog across the street says the pyramidhead gallery is closed every day, except for he apparently doesn't know it's open exclusively at 12:01 am. he says it's been there for months, closed. hot topic says that's bs; her boyfriend just bought something there last week. ew so the boyfriend that threw her out is imitation danny zuko. girl, run far away because that guy's busy communing with unholy messenger rats.

then for no reason at all, this poor pup gets dragged away by its neck, growling because dogs know stuff. does the dog also know its owner is an irresponsible sack of shit who needs to learn what a proper harness is? sheesh.

"chill," hot topic says. "there's a back door, right?" and then she pulls a lock pick out of her tits. like, not on a chain or anything, so i guess it was just resting freely in her cleavage. another important detail for my fanfiction.

there are more ugly paintings inside but joey gets right down to business and finds a file drawer that's pretty much exactly like every file drawer we have at work. just full of accordion folders with papers shoved in them.

"ughhh," joey says, "this is gonna take Forever." i literally... had that moment with my boss at work yesterday trying to find some paperwork. but it's not gonna take forever, not with the music going, it's not...!

the most illuminating revelation is that the gallery is a total scam; everything they have comes from bankruptcy sales, high school art classes, insane asylums... wait, what? uh oh.

uhhhhh ohhhhhhh.

thankfully we leave immediately and head straight back to the loser room. yeahhhh fistbump brah! fistbumps existed in 1992! imagine that. we can truly trace all tradition back to our ancestors.

danny zuko spies a hot blonde and motions to his mark sheppard-looking bartender that he wants to hit that, so the bartender pulls a rose out from the... ice bin...? "here babe take a cold-ass rose" "oh baby the frozen petals are burning me up" - is that what's supposed to happen?

so danny zuko comes over, the girl's like, "oh, it's you~" and he tells her she's beautiful she says "oh no there's lots of girls here more beautiful than me" and he pretends like he cares about how she feels blah blah blah

and then we come to sex noises so the arctic rose worked pretty well. i think i'll spare you a screenshot of the actual sex; i'd rather take a picture of a head split in half. my favorite part though is that he constantly has his hands on her tits so you don't see any nip. so we can watch the other graphic shit we've seen and yet we're not allowed to look at a boob? the fuck?

oh ps the statue is in the background, watching them.

and at the exact moment danny zuko comes (ugh) the statue's eyes open. ohhhhhhhhhhhohohoho fcukinggfkhgkldhgl

then the eyes close again.

hot topic and joey are back at her apartment. joey's broken out of a pair of scully specs so i guess things have gotten serious in here.

hot topic prepares to walk out the door and joey is like HOLD ON???? WHY LEAVE??

she's trying to get some tape and succeeds and this is extremely untoward and i am offended!!!

hot topic guesses joey got what she needed, and prepares to show herself out. joey's face immediately falls and she's like no????? and she invites hot topic to stay in her spare room.

hot topic gets very emotional and says that's great, and offers to do breakfast! oh boy!!

even at the thought of inedible trash breakfast, joey is thrilled. this is Fucking Gay

"so cool... Radical!"

the girl danny just boned stands in front of this painting which, to be honest with you? kind of looks like dukat? maybe dukat if he roided up before the reckoning.

danny's already done with this and has important things to do like getting a scuff off his ugly red cowboy boots. it all goes south pretty fast.

"but you gave me a rose."

"and tomorrow, i'll give one to somebody else." ooooooh

"you shit," the girl says, speaking the truth.

there's yelling, the girl backs up toward the statue, i'm biting my nails because something's clearly gonna happen

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY OHHHHHH NOOOOOOO

chains, chains, it's always chains, hooked chains come out of the statue and sink into her. danny zuko, for as vile as he is, didn't plan this at all as even he's like "what the ffffuuuuuuccckkkk"

hello!! furby's awake!

the statue gets one more hook right into her forehead and then? and THEN, the all-time grossest fucking thing happens, and i swear to god i'm not making this up but also you're kidding if you think i'll actually screenshot it: the hook pulls THE ENTIRETY OF THE GIRL'S SKIN OFF HER BODY IN ONE SHOT, and THEN, STILL ALIVE and screaming bloody fucking murder, the girl, looking like a page out of any muscular system biology book, is DIGESTED BY THE STATUE.

and then once properly absorbed, her face appears SO ALL THE FACES ON THIS STATUE ARE PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN SKINNED AND EATEN HKFLGRHLGKLSKB I'M SCREECHING

i guess a nutritious meal was just the thing to get ol stoneface back to normal. HE'S HERE, THIS IS HIM, THIS IS THE GUY!! jake says his name is pinhead? just going to call him pincushion, hope that's okay. honestly it's more like nailcushion, those look like a bunch of nails sticking out of him. why does he love metal so much!!!

and all danny zuko has to say is "jesus christ!" like he couldn't even pretend to barf.

and pinhead FUCKING RESPONDS: "not quite." buddy, i'll say.

he starts getting poetic and i never expected him to have an accent. who do you think you are, shakespeare? i've never heard of shakespeare writing a scene where taming of the shrew ends with a flesh barbecue.

pinhead does one fun thing which is compare himself to danny zuko, which in my mind is exactly right but danny zuko cries and whines and says "no that's fuckin evil man!!!" yeah, just. like. you!

according to pinhead, there's no good, there's no evil, only flesh. is this what he does, just eats people? i didn't expect this either.

"you will help me," he says.

no Fuckin way danny zuko says, bringing out a gun like this is going to do anything other than increase pinhead's desire for flesh cakes.

oh my god and then pinhead laughs and says "how touching, that is the gun you used to kill your parents?" LMAO WHAT????

zuko unloads the gun and pinhead spits every bullet out of his mouth. just lets em drop right out onto the floor. danny zuko then drops his gun.

looks like you're in this for the long haul, pal!

he drops to the floor and starts sobbing. puny man sobbing in his boxers dot jpg.

there is a place, pinhead says, at his right hand for this manchild. yucky.

aaaand true to form, danny zuko takes a minute to think it over and then signs right up. this is so insulting to danny zuko; maybe i ought to start calling him his real name which is JP, which also is not really a name.

meanwhile, joey is full on channeling murphy brown and lookin cute. her friendly grandpa cameraman runs up to give her a package. something for her story? mmm something for something. grandpa cameraman, ever a decent person (oh god what if HE dies?) says if there's any way he can help, just give him a call. i think the first thing he can do to help is contact a priest specializing in exorcisms, get to that statue, and end this before it starts hopping railroad tracks.

scully specs are back on, tape is in the vcr, quest to quit smoking is shot, and we are go.

the tape is of a girl in a room at what looks like that asylum that was referenced before, and she's talking about The Box.

"demons," she says. "demons live in the box." well girl, we are way past that, the demons are out of the box, in statues, in hospitals, that box barely has anything to do with anything anymore.

"it's a gateway to hell." yeaarrrrgghhhhh somebody close it, then!

this is a really nice shot, i just wanted to stop everything and have you look at it. hands!

uhhh thennn the tv switches to an image of a dude

and that dude

starts talking

to joey

NOOOOOOOOPE

"she's telling the truth, joey," this guy that sounds Suspiciously like pinhead says.

joey tries to rewind the tape to see what the hell that was, but there's nothing out of the ordinary there... nnnnggghhhhgdhflk

anyway, demons live in the box. it "opens itself", they come out, that's the sitch. fuck all this.

s-s-s-speaking of the b-b-b-box, here it is at joey's apartment, where hot topic is currently all alone. god if anything happens to her i will be devastated beyond belief. pleeeease don't eat her please don't eat her.

hot topic stares at the box the same way i stare at the box: with off-the-charts trepidation. but she notices what i also noticed, that it looks a little different, like now it has color.

"man, joey must've polished you up some, huh?" oh no please don't

i'm pretty much. gonna shit. please put it down please please please joey will be so sad if you are dead and i can't take it!

oh god and then the phone rings and she puts it down thank jesus

absoLutely not the phone call i wanted her to get.

jp wants hot topic to come over. no no, no, no no no, no, and no!

pleeeeeease just wait for joey to get home she'll protect you and you can both be safe! if you go over to jp you're literally going to be devoured by a hell beast aaaaahhhhhhhh

well thank the lord she says she just can't and slams down the phone. score one for pure love! can you win against the delicate softness of girls being nice to each other, pinhead, can you?!

uh wait, then hot topic triggers joey's messages and it sounds like cameraman telling her she got a job that she wanted across the country. ??? what happened to pure love?!

joey comes home and the place is just a sty. it's dark and hot topic's not there.

and she finds this note that says, "enjoy monterey, you liar".

welp, love is dead and the demons are coming! might as well start breaking ourselves down into bite-sized chunks!

that's all for this evening. we’ll have another fun jaunt tomorrow! now, what do you think is the best technique for cutting off your own arm? just grab a hacksaw and go to town?