#help i forgot who else i included ill just edit this later

[livelaughlovelams]

So I was just doing some calculations, right?

But, uhm..

Okay bbg I'm sorry I love you but.... Uhm...

Uhm... Okay no my head actually physically hurts🩵

[leossmoonn]

can i request a fic with stefan where the reader loses her memories (like stefan did in s5) so stefan takes her out to all the places that are special to their relationship and he tells her all about how they used to date and how she loved him and all and then at the end she kisses him ❤️

if not that's okay! have a good day and make sure to drink some water ❤️❤️

okay ill be honest i dont remember anything of tvd from season 4 and on bc it was just so boring to me but YES I CAN DK THIS. and thank you! i hope you have a good day, and hydrate too <33 mwah!

masterlist

warnings / includes - mild language, crying, sad stefan, kissing, eating and food, talk about sex. oh and youre a vampire and grew up w stefan and damon :)) and you’ve been dating stefan ever since you two turned into vampires and you two have been married for 50 years! (yay) . not really edited

————

“can���t you just do your voodoo magic and fix her?”

“that’s not how it works, damon.”

“well, it works whenever elena needs it. just admit it, you don’t like y/n.”

“i do! this is just more complicated -”

“bullshit! i know you don’t know her very well, but we’ve known her since she was born. she’s my best friend and the love of my brother’s life, who, by the way, is about to go into a frenzy if you don’t fix her!”

“i’m trying! but whatever those traveler’s did, i don’t think i can reverse it.”

“argh!” damon growled, putting his hands under a table and ripping it up.

“okay, you need to calm down,” bonnie said. “throwing a fit won’t help.”

“well, i can’t just stand here and watch her die!”

“she’s not dying, she’s just asleep. the doctor said she will wake up soon.”

“oh, as if the doctor knows anything,” damon muttered.

“she actually knows a lot, and we’ll give her the treatments the doctor recommends before we try any magic.”

damon sighed, running his hands over his face. he looked over to you, tears prickling at the corner of his eyes. he walked over to you, holding your hand in his.

“please wake up, y/n. please.”

it seemed as damon’s wishes were granted. your eyes fluttered open, a soft groan filled your throat as you tried to move your head back and forth. you peered at bonnie and damon, brows furrowing.

“who are you? and why-why are you holding my hand? get away from me!” you hissed, barring your fangs.

“well, she definitely knows she a vampire,” damon muttered.

bonnie ignored him, coming over to you tentatively. “hey, y/n. do you know who i am?”

“no. i-i want to go home. where am i? why-why does this look so strange? hospitals at home don’t look like this,” you gasped as you looked around your room.

“is she still stuck in the 1800s?” bonnie asked.

“let’s see. uh, y/n, what’s the date?” damon asked.

“1866, right?” you guessed.

“oh, shit,” damon muttered.

“what’s wrong?” you frowned. “y/n, you’re in the 21st century. it’s 2013,” bonnie explained.

your eyes bugged out of your head. “what? how-how can this be? you’re lying! you’re some witch! katherine warned me that you would try to trick me. who are you with? wha-what do you want from me?!”

“okay, crazy pants,” damon sighed. “do you know who i am?” he asked.

you took a good, hard look. “you look familiar… like you’re from a dream.”

“good, good, but do you know my name?”

your brain scrambled for the answer, but it all came up was blank.

“no, i’m sorry.”

“well, crap,” damon muttered. “what if we get stefan? he’s been her boyfriend for like, a hundred and fifty years. plus, they’ve been married for 50. she’s got to remember him,” bonnie suggested.

“yeah, okay,” damon nodded. “go and get him. i’ll stay with her.”

“why don’t i stay with her, and you go get stefan. you might irritate her enough to make her snap your neck,” bonnie snorted.

“fine. i’ll be back in a second. try to use your powers on her,” damon asked.

“no. now go,” bonnie shooed away damon.

he left, zooming through the halls to go and find his brother. meanwhile, bonnie went to sit next to you, taking your hand in hers.

“what are you doing. i said don’t touch me,” you hissed.

“what is your name?” bonnie asked.

“y/n,” you said. “what’s your full name?” she asked.

“y/n l/n,” you answered. “why are you asking me this? do you think i do not know my name?”

“no, no. i just…” bonnie sighed. “what’s your mother’s name?”

“louise,” you said. “and your father’s?” bonnie asked.

“martin. and before you ask, my sister and brother’s names are anna and christopher. are you studying me or something? oh, my… i-i swear i’m not dangerous. i don’t feed on people. not usually, anyways. please, spare me. if you want a real vampire, catch katherine pierce. her real name is katerina petrova. or klaus mikaelson, his whole family needs to be killed. please, i -”

“i’m not going to kill you. no one is going to kill you. and katherine is already dead,” bonnie explained.

“oh, really? well, then ignore what i said about her."

bonnie smiled a little. “it’s alright. do you remember anything that’s happened in the last 24 hours?”

“no, i’m sorry. i must ask again, where am i?” you questioned.

“well, you’re in 2013. about one hundred and forty-nine years from when you were turned into a vampire. that man who was here is damon salvatore. he’s been your best friend ever since you were born. you grew up together, and he turned you into a vampire. i’m bonnie bennett. i am… i have a sort of friendship with damon. i’m a witch from the bennett line. i am here to help you. we’re friends, too, actually.”

“oh,” you pursed your lips. “i’m sorry i don’t remember you. i think i remember one of your family members, though… emma, ella, em-”

“emily, yeah,” bonnie smiled. “well, it’s good to know i’m in good company,” you sighed.

“yes, you are. oh, and there’s one more person i forgot to mention. he’s damon’s brother, stefan. he’s your -”

“y/n!”

your head snapped to the door. a handsome young man stepped into the room, worrying filing his features.

“hello?” you frowned.

“it’s me, stefan. you’re husband,” the man said.

your eyes widened. “i-i- excuse me? my husband? i didn’t know i was-” your breath hitched as you saw the ring on your finger. it was a beautiful silver ring with a blue jewel in the middle, stefan and your name carved in the middle of it.

“oh,” you gasped.

“do you remember me?” he asked, coming closer to you.

you looked back up at him, furrowing your brows as you tried to remember. you shook your head in disappointment. “no, i’m sorry. i wish i could. what happened to me that i can’t remember my own husband?"

“travelers took your memory,” bonnie answered. “travelers? l-like the evil witches?” you guessed.

“yes, precisely,” bonnie nodded.

“well, can you get back my memories? you’re a witch, right?” you asked her.

“exactly! that’s what i was saying. i’m so glad someone gets it!” damon exclaimed.

“i-i’m sorry, who are you again?” you frowned. “damon. i’m damon salvatore. the best salvatore, and your best friend,” he grinned.

“oh, right - damon. and you’re uh, you’re bonnie, correct?” you turned to the brunette.

“i am,” bonnie nodded.

“and you’re…“ you turned to stefan.

hope was shining in his dazzling green eyes. his lips were pulled into a frown, his brows furrowed as tears clouded his eyes.

“you’re stefan! my, uh, my husband whom i can’t remember. i’m so sorry, again.”

“it’s okay,” he sighed. “you just woke up. you’ll probably remember later.”

“yes,” you nodded, “that’s probably it.”

just then, the doctor came in. she checked you out, telling you that you had to stay in the hospital one more night before you could be discharged. after she left, damon, bonnie, and stefan made up a plan.

“i can’t just put her memories back. i don’t have any access to them,” bonnie said.

“can’t you just pull them out of the air or something?” damon asked.

“magic doesn’t work like that, damon,” bonnie glared.

“what if we take her to all her favorite places? places she’s been to lots of times,” stefan suggested.

“yes! that is a great idea, except for the fact that she thinks she’s in the 1800s and most things that were there have been torn down or rebuilt!” damon seethed.

“well, then what else are we supposed to do, damon! we can’t just sit here and hope that her memories will come back. what if they never do!” stefan yelled.

“shut up you two! you’re scaring her!” bonnie hit both of them, then pointing to you.

both of the salvatore’s face softened as they saw your eyes wide with fear.

“look, she doesn’t know you two yet. she doesn’t trust you two. she literally thought we were going to capture her for being a vampire. we need to just take it easy and gain her trust, which won’t be hard, i hope. but i think that stefan’s idea is great. and stefan, you should be the one to do it. you deserve to build the strongest bond with her and to spend the most time with her,” bonnie explained.

stefan smiled at her gratefully. “thank you, bonnie.”

“of course, stefan,” she smiled back at him.

“what about me! i was her friend before you were even born!” damon poked stefan.

“she was literally a baby, damon. she didn’t even know who you were,” stefan scoffed.

“oh, she did. and she loved playing peek-a-boo with me,” damon huffed.

“well, i’ve been her actual best friend just a few months after she was born. you’ve been like the brother she’s never had,” stefan stated.

“same difference.” damon rolled his eyes.

“b-bonnie?” you stammered.

“yeah, what do you need?” bonnie came over to you immediately.

“um, i need to use the bathroom.” you whispered.

“oh, yeah, of course. gentlemen, please exit the room.” bonnie said to the two men.

“alright. hey, y/n, you hungry? we can get you something to eat,” damon asked.

“yes. i’m famished, honestly. um, can i have some meatloaf, please? with some wine?” you requested.

“um, y/n, i’m afraid to inform you that -” damon started, but stefan cut him off.

“we’ll see what we can find,” stefan said.

“thank you… stefan, was it?” you guessed.

“yeah. it’s stefan,” he smiled. “okay, c’mon, lover boy. the lady needs to use the restroom,” damon grabbed stefan, dragging him out of your room and shutting the door.

bonnie then helped you out of the bed and into the restroom, waiting behind the door until you called for help.

“thank you so much. your kindness is very much appreciated.” you smiled at her as she helped you back to bed.

“it’s not a problem.” bonnie sighed with a smile.

“will you be able to get my memories back?” you asked.

“um… no. not right now, i’m sorry,” bonnie frowned.

“oh, well, it’s alright. maybe it’s for the better. i can’t imagine all the horrible things i must have done to you and your friends,” you laughed sourly.

“what do you mean?” bonnie asked.

“well, i… i overheard you a little when i was waking up. damon said that you didn’t like me much. i don’t blame you, i mean, i can be crass and judgmental, but i’ve changed over the years. i-i think, at least. otherwise i suppose i would be dead from those travelers now. no one wants to help a horrible person,” you explained.

“well, you’re not horrible, at all. for someone who has been with damon for like, almost two hundred years, you’re very kind. you’re also very funny and you try to help people the best you can.”

“oh, thank you,” you smiled shyly. “um… what do you mean about being with damon?”

“oh, he’s just um… not my favorite person to be around is all. you’ll see,” bonnie chuckled.

“i think i have, a little,” you giggled. “but he seems to care a lot about me. i suppose he’s known me since i’ve been born.”

“no, he does. honestly, like stefan said earlier, damon is the older brother you never bad.”

“and stefan, he is supposed to be my best friend and lover?”

bonnie smiled, “yes.”

“can you tell me about stefan? do-do you know him well?” you asked.

“i do, actually. he’s so kind, always wanting to help people and be the best. i swear, he works himself to death trying to be the hero. he’s very level-headed and extremely smart. he’s more mellow than damon, definitely, but he has his funny, savage moments. he’s dealt with a lot of pain in his years, and you’ve been there to experience it all. in fact, he always tells us how you are his light. it’s really sweet. i wish someone talked about me like that.”

heat crept up your neck and you couldn’t help but smile. “well, i understand why i fell in love with him, then.”

bonnie chuckled, “yeah, he’s a great guy. he’s probably more rough around the edges now than he used to be, though.”

“well, that’s what happens when you’ve lived for so long,” you chuckled. “i personally think i’ve softened over the years. i remember when i was a little girl, i used to be so quick and temperamental. my mother always tried to reprimand me, but i had a mind of my own, i guess. or that’s what my father used to say. now that i think about it, i think stefan is the reason why i have changed. he’s seemed to rub off on me.”

“wait, are you starting to get your memory back?” bonnie asked, getting excited.

“no, i’m afraid not. well, not of current things. i just am remembering things about myself. i still don’t remember damon or stefan,” you frowned

“oh, well, it’s okay. you only woke up an hour ago. we’ll give it time.” bonnie patted your arm.

“thank you. you must forgive me, i’ve always had a horrible memory. and now with mine taken away, i probably will be a burden.”

“no, no,” bonnie shook her head. “please, you’re our friend. i’m sorry if damon made it seem like i don’t like you, but i do. we just don’t spend time with each other that much, but we definitely will now.”

“i hope you don’t mind it, then.”

“i definitely don’t, don’t worry.”

you two sat in a comfortable silence, stefan and damon coming back only a few minutes later.

“so, you can’t have any wine, so we got you the next best thing: grape juice. and we also didn’t find any meatloaf, but we did find some spaghetti and meatballs,” damon said, setting it all down on the table.

“oh, thank you two so much.” you smiled. you began to get up, your feet slipping suddenly.

stefan rushed to catch you, his hands going under your arms. your eyes met his immediately, your breath getting caught in your lungs. you fell into a sort of a daze as he lifted you back up on your feet.

“my, you’re handsome,” you muttered.

“thank you. you’re beautiful,” stefan smiled.

your jaw fell open, your eyes widening. “o-oh. did i say that out loud? i am so sorry -”

“no, it’s okay. it was really nice to hear that,” he assured you.

“alright, thank you,” you smiled. “of course. my pleasure.” he let go of you, pulling out a chair.

“so, i say we compel the doctor to let you go home now so we can get this show on the road!” damon announced.

“no, they need to monitor her-”

“she’s a freaking vampire, bonnie!” damon exclaimed in a hushed whisper. he then turned to you. “you feel fine, right?”

“yes. a lot better now that i’ve eaten,” you answered.

damon grinned, clapping his hands. “see? she’s fine. i say we get her into her room and let her sleep in her bed.”

“damon, that’s not-”

“excuse me,” you interrupted stefan, peering at him through your eyes. “if you don’t mind me interjecting, i’d quite like to go home. and damon is right, i am a vampire so besides my memories, my body has healed me completely.”

stefan looked at you for a few moments, sighing before talking again. “yeah, that makes sense. are you sure you’re okay to go home? i mean, you almost slipped -”

“i am okay, stefan,” you smiled. “these floors are quite slippery with these socks on.” you moved your feet to show them.

“right,” he nodded. “okay, well, damon? i assume i can trust you to compel the doctors?”

“on it!” damon grinned, rushing out the door.

“is he always this eager to help?” you asked. “only when it comes to you,” stefan chuckled.

“well, i suppose that’s okay, for now,” you hummed.

“yes. you are our first priority,” stefan smiled.

“oh, please don’t let me ruin your daily routine. like you said, damon likes helping me. he seems to not have anything important to do, anyways, no offense.” you lowered your head sheepishly. “but he can help me while you two go to school and such. do you go to high school still?”

“no, we don’t. well, stefan doesn’t, anyways,” bonnie chuckled. “i’m going to college in the fall.”

“oh, that’s wonderful! i see the women have made lots of improvements. what are you going to study?” you asked.

“research and analysis. it’s not really a study, but that’s what i’m majoring in.”

“wow, you must be so smart, then. good for you. i wish i went to college,” you frowned slightly. “

“you did,” stefan spoke up. “oh? what did i study?” you perked up.

“literature. you went around the world teaching english and literature. part of it was to fit in as a human, but another part was because you always had a passion for it.”

“sounds like me,” you smiled. “i loved reading so much. i remember my mother had to hide my books for when we ate dinner.”

“woah, you’re remembering things now?” damon walked into the toom

“not really. i’m only remembering things about myself and my family.”

“damn,” damon muttered. “it’s alright,” stefan said. “anyways, we good to go?”

“indeed we are. let’s roll,” damon said.

stefan helped you out of your seat. you took out your IV, damon rushing you to his car.

“wow. this is beautiful,” you admired his chevy.

“i know! she’s my pride and joy.” damon sighed happily as he opened the door for you.

“thank you,” you smiled at him. he returned the smile, getting into the passenger seat.

“i’ll drive her home, i-”

“actually, can stefan drive me? i’d like to get to know him more. he is my husband, after all,” you said.

stefan’s chest swelled with happiness, his lips upturning into a bright smile.

“i suppose. don’t total my car,” damon warned stefan.

“no promises,” stefan smirked, getting in the driver’s seat. “you know i’m kidding, right? i won’t crash the car.”

“i know, don’t worry,” you smiled. “great,” stefan breathed out as he started the car.

“this is amazing technology. so much faster than the horses.”

“yep. it’s amazing how far we’ve come.”

you nodded, turning your head to look at him. you looked down at his left hand, smiling a little as you saw a silver wedding band.

“how long have we been married for?” you asked.

“50 years. 51 this summer,” he answered. “how long did we date for?” you asked.

“well, we actually didn’t date until we turned vampires. as you probably know, your emotions are heightened once you turn. and our crushes on each other were just too much to ignore, we started dating. we helped each other out a lot, you helped more than me. i mean, i-i was a wreck. with katherine turning us into vampires and all, me killing my dad, damon abandoning me. you were the only person who stuck by me. you know, you were, and still are, my light,” he explained.

you grinned, “bonnie told me that that’s what you call me.”

“ah, she’s told you about me, then. what did she say?” he asked.

“well, she said that you’re very kind and are always wanting to help people. she also said that you are smart and serious, but that you have your breaking moments. she also said that you have experienced a lot of pain. i am sorry to hear that,” you frowned.

“bonnie is very kind. too kind, actually.”

“oh, don’t say that. i happen to think it’s all true. just from what i’ve seen today.”

“thank you. i’m glad i’ve made a good impression.”

“well, you are my husband, so i would think that what bonnie said is true.”

“makes sense,” he nodded. “so, where do i live? with you, i presume?” you questioned.

“yes, and with damon. we live in the salvatore boarding house. it was built for uh, well, boarding in mystic falls.”

“do we have separate rooms?” you asked.

“u-um, no. but, if you’re not comfortable with that, there are plenty of spare rooms-"

"no," you said quickly.

stefan glanced at you, eyes wide in surprise. you chuckled awkwardly, scratching the back of your neck.

"u-um, what i mean is that it is okay. i'll get to know your quicker if we share a room. just um, let me have my privacy?" you requested.

"of course, of course," he nodded. "lovely," you exhaled deeply.

you looked out of your window, observing all the people walking around town square.

"so much has changed," you said, a little nostalgic.

"i know, it's crazy," stefan laughed. "but, i'll take you to all the old places we used to go, and the new ones you have gown accustomed to."

"sounds like a deal. you know, i'm excited. is that um… strange that i am so lively after having just woken up from my memories being taken away?" you chuckled a little.

"no, no, not at all. you were always really happy and upbeat, even on the darkest days. that's one of the reasons why i fell in love with you. you may not believe this, but, i'm kind of a debby-downer. you keep it light and fun, much like damon, actually. seems as though all that time you spent with him, as young as you were, you developed someone his behaviour."

"is that a bad thing? bonnie insinuated that damon isn't a good guy," you frowned.

"no, no. you're different. you pick and choose when to be a little um… eccentric. damon just says whatever comes out of his mouth, no matter what the situation is."

"i suppose that's another reason why you love me?" you grinned. "yes, you suppose right," he nodded.

"is this the boarding house?" you pointed to the mansion stefan was pulling in to.

"yes, it is. and, you can call it your home. that's what it is," stefan said.

"alright. it's beautiful." you admired the front.

"it's even better inside. especially our bedroom. you really know how to decorate." he got out of the car, opening the door for you.

"you're very chivalrous. i like it," you giggled. "well, anything for my girl," he flashed a warm smile.

your stomach flipped suddenly, a similar feeling to your heart hammering in your chest awakened. if your heart was still alive, then you it would be palpitating and ramming into your ribcage. you smiled back at him, getting out of the car.

you two walked together to the front, stefan opening the door without unlocking it.

"do we always keep the door unlocked?" you asked. "yeah. you know, the only people we are really worried about are vampires and well, you can't get in unless you invite them in," he answered.

"oh, right. well, that's nice. we don't have to worry so much about security," you said as you stepped inside.

he nodded in agreement, closing the door behind him once you two went inside.

"wow. you're right, it is better inside," you gasped. "mmhm. so, let me show you around. this is the grand study. it was mostly used by our nephew zach, but damon killed him as soon as he got here," stefan sighed.

"o-oh. and damon is supposed to be my best friend?"

"he's better than that, don't worry. you'll see, you'll remember," stefan patted your back.

"alright," you nodded. "anyways, right here is the library's and just out here is the grand hall. here is the dining room and the living room. back there is the kitchen, and next to it is the hearth room." stefan walked you around the house.

"it's amazing. wow, and to think this is my home," you laughed. "yep, all yours," stefan smiled as he heard your laugh.

he admired you as you walked through the living room, feeling around the bookshelves and the furniture. he missed this, seeing you back at home. before you woke up in the hospital, you had been kidnapped and tortured for two weeks before the travelers dumped you in the backyard of your house. after that, stefan rushed you to the hospital and about a day later you were awake. and now here you were, making yourself at home again. you looked so pretty in the setting sunlight. stefan almost wanted to cry at the relief of finally having you home.

"show me the upstairs?" your voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

"yeah, yeah, of course," he nodded. he reached his hand out to you, you taking it graciously.

you both smiled at each other, stefan leading you up the stairs.

"so, up here is damon's room. that's where elena, his girlfriend, and him usually are. they have so much sex, you won't be able to get much rest here," stefan snorted.

"i'll make sure to wear my earplugs," you giggled.

stefan smiled at you, walking you to the next rooms. "these are the baths. and right here is our room. every other room up here is a guest room, but uh, this is the main event, i suppose." he opened the bedroom door, letting you peer inside of it.

he was right, you were a great decorator.

the room had green walls, bookshelves on the walls, and a few plants here and there. there was a big bed in the middle with gray sheets, pictures of the two of you hanging above the bed frame. there was a desk and chair in the middle of the room, books and papers strewn all over the desk top. there were picture of you two all over the walls, making you smile whilst also crying.

"what's wrong?" stefan rushed to you.

"oh, it's nothing. i just…" you sighed, turning to him. "these pictures are so lovely. i-i wish i could remember these events."

stefan took your hand in his, giving you a small smile. "don't worry about it. it's not your fault that you can remember.”

"right," you nodded, still disappointed in yourself.

"why don't we go and walk around town? maybe that'll help get your memories back," stefan suggested.

"that sounds fun, but i don't think walking around will reverse dark magic," you joked.

stefan chuckled, nodding in agreement. "you're right, but, you're starting to remember your own childhood. we don't know what the travelers took from you, so maybe they didn't take the memories of you and i. you might just have amnesia."

"i'd love to do anything to try and remember," you said. "me, too. before we go, do you want to change clothes? you've had these clothes on for two weeks," stefan gestured to your ripped shirt and dirty jeans.

"oh, yes. i didn't even realise i was wearing these." you looked down at your legs, eyes widening at the fact you were wearing pants. "when did they invent these?"

"1873, but women still couldn't wear them until the 19th century. and even then, women didn't wear them as regular clothing until the mid-20th century," he explained.

“well, i’m glad that i’ve stayed alive this long to be able to wear these. what are they called again?” you asked.

“jeans,” stefan answered. he walked over to your closet, opening it and presenting all your clothes. “and you have lots of jeans. so, go ahead and get changed into whatever. if you want to shower then go ahead, the bathroom is to the right.”

you nodded, “thank you. i’ll be done in a few minutes.”

“no problem. take your time,” he smiled.

you returned the expression, watching him as he left the room, shutting the door behind him.

you went to your closet, running your hands over your clothes. you had lots of grey, purple, and blue shirts. you saw lots of ripped jeans, some were their regular blue and others were white or black. you chose a light purple, short- sleeved shirt and a pair of dark-wash jeans. you found a pair of black panties and a black bra to match.

you went into the bathroom, turning the shower on and undressing. you put your dirty clothes in a near pile on the floor as you didn’t know where the hamper was. you set your clean clothes onto the bathroom sink, jumping into the shower.

the hot water felt so good, it was hard to get out, but you didn’t want to keep stefan waiting too long. you dried off quickly, looking at yourself in the mirror after you got dressed. you didn’t realize, but you were very dirty and tired-looking before showering. you looked better now. more awake, clean, and pretty.

you didn’t bother putting on makeup, not even knowing where you kept it. you went downstairs, finding stefan in the living room reading a book.

“i am ready,” you announced.

stefan looked up, jaw dropping as he looked over you.

“you look gorgeous,” he spoke.

you smiled shyly, lowering your head in bashfulness. “thank you. it’s not much, just a comfortable outfit.”

“doesn’t matter. you look amazing,” he shrugged.

“thank you, again.”

“of course,” he smiled. “let’s go ahead and go, yeah?”

you nodded, slipping on your shoes as you followed him out to the garage. you got into stefan’s car, driving back to town square.

“a lot of places have been built or torn down. i’m going to take you to the places we used to go to in this century, then go to the places from long ago that have been torn down,” he explained.

“sounds good,” you nodded.

he parked next to the strip mall, getting out and opening the door for you.

“are men still as chivalrous as you?” you jumped out of the car.

“no, not at all, but i like to be known as a gentleman. it sets a good first impression,” he answered.

“that’s sad,” you frowned. “it is. honestly, most guys nowadays are jerks and are selfish. no one teaches kindness anymore,” he sighed.

“well, i’m thankful i chose a man who still cares about those things. it really reflects on what kind of man you are.”

“i agree,” stefan nodded.

you two walked onto the side walk, stefan lacing your fingers together and guiding you into a store.

“this is your favorite store in the whole

town square. you always rave about the good deals and i’ve bought you lots of jewelry here,” he explained.

you hummed in reply, looking over the store. “it’s quaint. i see how it would appeal to me.”

“yeah, this store is the most popular one here, i’m pretty sure.”

“the owner must be rich, then.”

“probably is,” stefan nodded.

he then led you out of the store, explaining all the other stores and restaurants in the town square before stopping and showing you a specific place you liked.

“this is the grill, the most popular restaurant here. you and caroline, who you have yet to meet, love to sing karaoke here. you and bonnie and elena, who again, you have yet to meet, play pool here and get tipsy on the weekend.”

“what is karaoke and pool?” you questioned.

“karaoke is when you pick a song you like, and you sing it with a friend, or sometimes yourself. a lot of bars have karaoke, and some restaurants do, like this one. it’s just a fun activity for drunk people, honestly. and pool

is this game over there. you see those people

shooting the balls with the sticks?” he pointed across the room.

you studied them, seeing as they would curse in disappeared, or jump and clap in happiness.

“yes, it looks fun.”

“it is, and you’re quite good at it. maybe tomorrow you can meet everyone else and i’ll teach you how to play,” he suggested.

“i would like that very much,” you smiled.

“me, too,” he smiled back. “are you hungry? we can take a break from walking and get something to eat.”

“my stomach does ache a little. what kind of food do they have here?”

“burgers, fries, salad. classic american stuff, basically. i can order what you usually do.”

“sure, but i’m afraid to tell you that i have no money,” you sighed.

“it’s not a problem. this is my treat. plus, we have a joint bank account so, it doesn’t really matter who pays.””

“wow, that’s nice.”

“it definitely is.”

stefan then led you to a small booth, ordering immediately once the waiter came.

“tell me more about yourself,” you prompted.

stefan stared at you, not expecting you to want to know about him. it wasn’t completely surprising, but you just seemed a lot more interested in the town than him. he was happy that you asked, though. it reassured him that you two had a chance, even if you two had to rebuilt your relationship.

“okay, well, my birthday is november 1st, 1846. my favorite color is blue, my favorite type of alcohol is bourbon, but i do like a glass of whiskey every once in a while. one of my best friends was lexi branson. she was also your friend, too, but damon killed her for absolutely no reason.”

“oh, my - i am so sorry, stefan,” you gasped. “oh, it’s alright. damon has uh, since proved himself to be better… unfortunately,” stefan sighed.

you put your hand on his, looking him in the eyes.

“it’s not alright, stefan. i know you say damon is a lot better than people say, and that he has proven himself better, but that doesn’t justify what he did. i’m so sorry you lost lexi. i understand what it is it like to lose someone so close to you. i’m sure you remember, but i lost christopher only a few years after we became vampires. i don’t remember all of it, but i do remember terrorizing a whole village because of the anger and depression i felt. i’m sure lexi was an amazing young woman. one day, i would love it if you told me more about her.”

stefan smiled at you gratefully, eyes prickling with tears. “thank you, y/n. it means a lot to me. and yes, i’d love to tell you about her.”

“fantastic.” you squeezed his hand for support, the gesture warming his chest. “anyways, go on,” you said, keeping your hand on his.

“alright. well, i love i love lucy, which is a ‘50s sitcom that, funnily enough, you hated,” he chuckled.

“what is a sitcom and why did i hate it?” your brows knitted together in confusion.

“well, a sitcom is a comedy tv show. and a tv show is content that is broadcasted onto something that is called a television, which was the big black screen in the living room of our house. sitcom is a type of tv show. there are sitcoms, dramas, romance, horror, and lots of others. a lot of these genres bleed together, much like books. and as for why you hated the show, you just thought it was annoying because i would watch it all the time.”

“well, i do have a short temperament, so that explains it, i suppose. that tv show thing is a little confusing. can you show me how it works when we get home?”

“yes, of course. i can show you your favorite tv shows and movies,” he nodded eagerly.

“lovely,” you smiled at his enthusiasm. “so, what else do you like?”

“well, i am a fan of scorcese, who is a famous tv director. he directed taxi driver, which is a film i am a fan of. i love to cook, and i’m quite good at it, if i do say so myself. um, let’s see… what else is there…” he trailed off, looking at the table as he thought. “i am a bit or a hoarder, as you probably could see in our room. i enjoy any and all types of music, i have a rose tattoo on my right shoulder, and i am a scorpio, if that means anything to do.”

he looked back up at you, the tips of his ears turning pink as he realized you were staring and smiling at him the whole time.

“why’re you looking at me like that?” he asked.

“it’s just nice hearing all these things about you. i can piece together who you are, who the man i am married to is. it’s obvious you don’t open up to people a lot, and i appreciate you doing that with me,” you explained.

“oh, well, it’s no problem. you’ll remember all these things, anyways. but this is just surface level stuff, nothing special.”

“i think it is special and important. now that i know you a little better, i’m able to talk to you more and be more comfortable.”

“mm, that’s true,” he nodded.

you gave him a small smile, your food then arriving.

“wow, this is a lot,” you chuckled, looking at the cheeseburger and fries.

“it’s really good, too,” stefan said.

“how do i eat this?” you asked. “pick it up in your hands and take a bite, like this.” stefan took a bite of his burger and fries.

you followed in suit, groaning in pleasure.

“my, they never had this food at home. this is delicious.”

“i know, right? so glad america stopped the wine and beef soup at dinner.”

you giggled, nodding in agreement. you two ate in silence, stefan paying before you two left.

“do you want to continue going around town, or are you tired?” stefan asked.

“i want to continue,” you stated.

“alright. time to go to all the torn down places now,” he sighed, walking you back to his car.

you two drove a little ways away from town square, finding yourselves at the cemetery.

“are anna, christoper, and my mother buried here?” you asked.

“yes, they are. do you want to see their graves?” stefan asked.

you sat in the car for a few moments, holding your seatbelt in thought. you shook your head as an answer.

“no, i would hate to put a damper on this lovely evening.”

“oh, well, it’s okay. you always manage to make things bright and happy, even when we’re visiting the cemetery, but if you really don’t want to, then i’ll take you to the salvatore estate, and where your house was located.”

“mm, i am sure. we can visit some other time,” you smiled.

he returned the expression. “alright.” he got out, going to open the door for you, but you had already jumped out.

“sorry, i um, wanted to see how the door works,” you admitted sheepishly.

stefan grinned, finding your curiosity adorable. “no worries. ready to go?”

“indeed i am,” you nodded.

you took the initiative and laced your fingers with his. stefan glanced at you, his chest swelling with joy. it was almost like old times.

“so, where is the salvatore estate?” you asked.

“it’s just a mile into the woods. there’s only a singular pillar there because it got torn down, but the pillar marks the spot where the house stood.”

“why did it get torn down? it was such a beautiful home. surely someone from these days would want to live in it,” you frowned.

“you’d think that, but i guess folks these days want something more modern. but, wait, do you remember my house?” hope filled his eyes, carrying all the way through his voice.

“i think i do. it seems… familiar in my mind. i remember the front of the house, the beautiful entrance and the pretty rose bushes, the steps that led up to the door. i remember a room… it was of medium size. there was a big bed in the middle, a deep-sea blue carpet under it. there was a bug mirror across from the bed, a painting or two hung up on the walls. there was a small desk in the corner next to the closet. the room is very empty, but it brings back feelings of warmth and calmness.”

“yeah, that was my room. you spent most of your summer’s in there with me.”

“oh,” your eyes lit up. “you said that we didn’t officially get together until after we were vampires, but i remember being in the bed in lots of white, button-up shirts. did we-?” you looked to him, eyes wide and hoping he would say yes.

his cheeks were tainted pink as he nodded. “yes, we had lots of fun nights, but not all of them consisted of sex.”

“i see,” you nodded, a little smile on your face. “what else did we do besides sleep together, then?”

“well, most times we just laid there in each other’s arms. sometimes i would read to you and you would fall asleep in my arms. other times we danced, sang, talked about the future together. and let me tell you, we definitely did not imagine an eternity together, but i’m really glad it turned out that way. despite all the pain we suffered.”

your chest warmed as you imagine you two in the 1800s, doing more and being more than just friends with intimate relations.

“does damon know of this?” you questioned.

“he does, but no one else doesn’t. to make things easier, we just told everyone that we started dating after we became vampires, and that we got married in 1963, which we did.”

“and how was the wedding?” you asked.

“the best night of my life,” he grinned. “we have lots of pictures of that night in the living room and our room, which i will show you when we get back.”

“i can’t wait,” you smiled giddily.

you squeezed stefan’s hand, the gesture making both of your body’s shiver.

“here it is,” he said, taking you closer to the singular pillar.

you let go of his hand slowly, walking around the property. you closed your eyes, feeling the cool breeze fan your face. you stood in the middle, right where the living room be. lots of memories then flooded back to you, making you snap your eyes open.

“your father didn’t like us together,” you stated.

stefan furrowed his brows. “yes, how-how do you know that?”

you didn’t answer him, continuing to reminisce.

“i was meant to wed damon, yet, i fell in love with you. your mother would let us play together, knowing that the fate your father decided wasn’t going to happen. she accepted us. she actually liked us better together than damon and i. she thought damon was too wild, too untamed to settle down so young. he was like her, in that way. but you, once you saw me at our first ball at age 14, you knew i was the one. i remember you telling me this one night on my sixteenth birthday. you had taken me up to your room, sneaking up extra cake for me, and we laid together on your bed. that was both of our first time that night - it was amazing. you told me before we went to bed about your growing feelings for me. that night we both said ‘i love you’ for the first time.”

stefan stared at you, mouth agape and tears welling in his eyes.

“you-you really remember that?”

“i do,” you smiled slowly at him. “i remember the marks you left on my skin, the joy i felt as you held my hand, the way i cried when you told me that you loved me. i-i’m afraid that this is all i remember, but -“

“no, no, it’s enough. it’s more than enough,” he sniffled, coming closer to you. he slipped his hand into yours, his other hand wrapping around your waist.

you smiled, putting your free hand on his cheek, rubbing your thumb up and down on his cheekbones. you looked into his eyes, studying his face as your hand went up and ran itself through his hair. you brought your hand back down to cup his cheek, your fingers dancing along his jawline.

“i also remember skipping school, playing football in the backyard, me wearing your shirt for the first time and it leading to us sleeping together again,” you giggled.

“how do you remember all of this?” he asked.

“the travelers must’ve just took all the important information about us, which we can deal with later. i want to enjoy this moment now,” you breathed out.

“thank god that they took that important stuff. it’s not that important once you think about it,” he nodded.

“i agree. i bet damon wouldn’t agree about that, though,” you joked.

“well, damon has never been madly in love until the last couple of years. but, me? i’m been in love with you forever.”

your lips spread widely and you looked deeply into his eyes, feeling yourself falling for him again.

“i love you,” you exhaled. stefan grinned, “i love you more.”

“nu-uh,” you shook your head. “mmhm,” he smirked.

you moved in closer, your nose bumping his softly. your eyes flickered down from his eyes to his lips multiple times before closing the gap. your lips met his in slow motion, immediately moving with his. his lips were soft and kissed you well, like he had done this a million times before, and couldn’t wait to do it again. he held you close against him, breathing in deeply at the taste of your lips. he felt at peace once again, whole and complete. and as for you, you felt alive.

every atom in your body was humming in pleasure. the feeling of his hands in your body, fitting right in with your curves, were like finally finishing a puzzle. it gave you butterflies, the way he tasted and smelled. the way he kissed you was delicious. it was gentle, but passionate. his lips worked against yours quickly, his tongue sliding against yours, eliciting a small moan from your throat. your teeth bumped each other gently, causing the kiss to then become fast, needy, hot.

you pulled away before anything else could commence, your chest heaving up and down. a line of spit broke off from your lips, breaking off as the breeze ran through it.

“remember anything else now?” stefan breathed out.

“just how much i’ve missed you,” you stated.

“i’ve missed you, too, baby. wanna go and see where old home was now?”

“yes, i’d love that,” you nodded. “great. come and follow me, then we can go home and i’ll make you your favorite meal, okay?” he suggested.

“that sounds amazing.”

“i’m so glad to have you back, y/n,” he squeezed your hand.

“i’m glad to be back.”

————

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[dearlydecayed]

Soup for Shigaraki

Mmm yes first fic. No idea how this works, so just do whatever Tumblr users do if ya like it ig Summary: You're a member of the league when Shigaraki falls ill, and of course doesn't take care of himself. Being the good villain Samaritan you are, you do it for him.

Pre-relationship (?)

Word Count + Warnings: 1,665 - Sfw, Shiggy swears at you and is a bastard in general, and descriptions of sickness. Not beta read.

-----

It's been three whole days since you'd seen him- since anyone else had seen him for that matter.

The entire league was off doing busy work to kill time; little side-missions and personal vendettas to fulfill while they waited. While you waited. While the world waited.

Shigaraki couldn't exactly lead a revolution while bedridden.

Dabi and Toga had left the base a few minutes ago, Dabi huffing in general annoyance while the latter trailed behind cheerily. She had invited you along, but you declined. You had someone to check on.

Pushing yourself off the counter you had been leaning against, you turned to the broad and decrepit expanse of cabinets that made up the bar. The top rows were filled with glasses, cups, and bottles, so you worked off a foggy memory as you scrounged the lower levels. Sure enough, your hands made contact with a singular dusty can. Aha. Pulling it out, you grimaced at the expiration date but nonetheless cranked the lid open with the pocket knife you carried. Red liquid sloshed in the tin, and you gave it a cursory sniff. At least it still smelled like tomato soup.

Rummaging through another drawer, you found a clean-ish spoon and rinsed it off in the sink. Unable to find a pot, you made your way over to the small stove-top in the corner.

The scent of gas filled the air as the ancient device clicked to life, and you were reminded of why no one used it when Dabi was around. Placing the can directly on the burner, you couldn't help but hum to drown out the sound of metal scrapping metal as you stirred the broth; steam wafting through the air as it began to boil.

The best you could manage for a hot pad was a tattered rag as you took the tin off the stove; and let the scent of tomato soup soothe your concerns of expiration. Dipping a finger into the cooling liquid, you confirmed that it tasted about right too.

Now for the tricky part...

Same as when you'd checked it earlier, his door was locked. The hallway was as silent as it had been for days, and worry crept into your periphery as you again pulled out your pocket knife. Picking the lock was an easy feat, and you soon stepped into your leader's dark room, tin can in hand. You'd only observed the space in passing prior to this, and you took a moment to take it all in.

It was a lot more cluttered than you had anticipated, his walls lined with shelves of fandom paraphernalia and books. Dark clothes littered the floor and haphazardly hung off a hamper in the corner- interlocked with junk food wrappers and boxes.

You would've lingered longer at the sight if a pathetic sniffle hadn't caught your attention; your gaze drawn to a slumped pile on his bed.

There, your noble leader lay snot-faced and unconscious as his throat rasped with every breath. His face lacked its usual paleness, instead graced with a red flush, and you knew his temperature would be scorching by the sweat on his brow. Regardless, you set the can down on his desk, and sat yourself on edge of his bed.

Before moving further, you closed your hands on both of his wrists. Instantly, his arms relaxed, rendering his hands immobile for the near future. Benefits of a paralysis quirk included immobilizing your delirious boss, apparently.

You then confirmed your prior hunch as you placed a palm against his forehead, clammy skin shuddering at your touch. A gurgled groan escaped as he squirmed under your hand, his brow furrowing as some form of consciousness returned to him.

His eyes still closed, a croaky "Kurogiri..?" was offered as you propped him up against some pillows.

"Mm. Afraid not, boss"

In the moments it took him to process your words, you moved the soup can to in between your thighs, bringing a spoonful of liquid into the air in front of him. His bleary eyes opened a few times, clearly straining to gain some awareness and failing miserably as they fell shut again.

You shushed him, and readjusted. "Shh shh, 's just me, boss. I've got some nice, warm soup for ya." To illustrate your point, you teased the spoon to lightly rest against his chapped lips, desperately hoping he remained passive instead of really waking up and throwing a fit.

Blessedly, he did no such thing.

Rather, his lips finally parted and you were able to ease the spoon in, letting the liquid fall into his mouth. He swallowed, made a noise, and you took it as a sign to get another spoonful.

Time became irrelevant as you spoon fed him, his tense shoulders falling and his face relaxing as soup levels fell. The only sounds in the whole base were his raspy breaths and the spoon scraping against the can.

When the can was about half-way empty though, he became fussy and pursed his lips again, refusing the spoon. You also noted that his fingers were beginning to twitch, and you took it as a definite sign to bolt.

However, you didn't leave until he was laid back down and tucked in.

A cup of water left on his bedside table, you locked the door on your way out.

-----

"What the fuck are you doing."

Rather than a writhing mass on his bed, you were greeted the next day with a much more conscious Shigaraki.

Reheated soup in hand, you stood dumbly as the door clicked shut behind you.

The next few moments were tense as he stared you down, before being interrupted by a painful cough racking through him. As he tore open a lung, you let your gaze drift to his bed side table where an empty glass stood.

"Oh good, you drank some water."

His scarlet glare was again directed at you after briefly glancing at the table himself, and he sneered. "The fuck do you want."

You blinked at him, and raised the can up a bit. "Y' want more soup?"

This seemed to catch him off guard, and his bleary eyes met with the soup can for the first time since you entered. He sniffled, and moved to sit up. "Give it to me then get the fuck out." You raised your hands in surrender and stepped forward to pass the can to him. Sure enough, he snatched it like a feral animal and almost went to chug it before he noted the ragged edges were you had sawed it open, and instead went for the spoon with a petulant grumble. "D' ya need anything else or-"

"Fuck off."

"Mk."

Toga had asked later why you were buying chicken noodle soup, and you told her it was for emergencies. -----

He was sitting up and playing on a handheld device when you entered the next day.

Though sweat still clung his brow, his face had regained its normal paleness and his eyes were noticeably sharper when they snapped to you.

His gaze rather quickly re-centered on the new can of soup and glass of water your were holding however, and you stepped forward with a chuckle to set both on his side table.

Game forgotten, it was tossed down to the foot of his bed as he downed the glass you had given him. Before leaving, you glanced to the screen and recognition sparked in your gaze. "Oh, is that the newest installment?"

Now sipping at the remaining liquid, he eyed you over the rim and grunted in hesitant confirmation.

"Do you have the gold or platinum edition? I can't tell by the level you're on."

"S' gold," he croaked.

You hummed in acknowledgment, and left his room yet again.

-----

The next day, you walked right into his chest rather than his room.

"Ah," you offered after stepping back. "I guess you don't need anymore soup then?"

He stepped out into the hallway too, looming over you as you stepped back further into the wall. Red eyes clear as the night you had met him, he stared down at you while reaching for the can.

Four fingers brushed against yours as he took the soup from your hand, and he turned silently to walk down the hallway into the main gathering area.

Kurogiri took that moment to warp in, startling then quickly fussing over Shigaraki as he nonchalantly spooned the soup into his mouth.

-----

Life of course resumed after his recovery, and you quickly forgot about the night spent nursing your boss back to health as business continued as normal.

It wasn't until many nights later that you had any time to yourself, let alone him after days of making up work.

You had been sitting on a tattered couch well into the night, scrolling aimlessly on your phone when a plastic bag was thrust unceremoniously into your lap. Not looking up, you scrambled to unbag it when you saw liquid begin to cling to the plastic.

Pulling the warm container out and holding it upright, your brow furrowed at the sight. Sure enough, a styrofoam container of soup was sitting in your hands.

It was then that you looked up, and were unsurprised to see Shigaraki looming awkwardly near you. His hands were stuffed into his jacket pockets, and his eyes seemed determined to rest anywhere but you.

Not wanting to be rude to the man who disintegrates people on a whim, you offer an "Uh, thanks?"

He tches at you, and turns to leave. "I fuckin' hate soup," Is all he offers before he disappears around the corner, and his door slams shut.

You shrug, and pop the lid off to check the damage. It had spilled a bit in the bag, but was still a hearty portion. A plastic spoon was even attached at the side, and you plucked it off as you snuggled in to the couch.

You couldn't place the flavor, but enjoyed it nonetheless.

[theravenclawmonster]

I thought getting diagnosed would be able to get me help...(post 2 of dunno how many)

The previous post of this series of posts can be found in this link post 1

Trigger warning: This post (and the later continuation posts after it titled the same) may contain mentions of abuse, mental illness, suicidal thoughts and many more things which i will try to edit in it after writing the post(s) (hopefully i’ll remember to) [yes, this is the same in all posts in series]

Disclaimer: this is just a written account of events that happened in my life in the past few weeks and my emotional/ physical response to those events. I am writing this here so that it stays here as help for people to read and maybe see what certain things feel like, and as proof or diary for when i forget what really happened and start to believe her words. Also, this is going to be a long post... a very long post. 

Okay, where was i? The first visit to the doctor. I had my tests done and bought the acidity medicine and the vitamins he suggested (i had already started to take vitamins again since a couple of weeks before, he just added folic acid to that. I also have a bit of an issue with vitamins and people telling me to eat them indicating that all will be well after that; but more about that later). in the pharmacy, my mother was pretty upset with me cuz i kicked her out of the room and told me some stuff i don’t want to remember right now. ummm... basically she said “ why did you ask me to leave, what secret were you going to tell the doctor? what did you tell him we did to you? i know what you think about me. you could have just said it all in front of me. what was with all the secrecy” [funnily enough, although i did ask her to leave, my reason was cuz i can’t really speak in front of her (she interrupts a lot too) and i was worried that i’d cry and didn’t want to hear about it for another 6 months. there was no secret or i didn’t even think about mentioning the abuse, cuz how do you just go to a stranger and say “ hi i am in pain and my parents abuse me”. even asking for help for my pain was demanding enough for me.] . she also “informed” me very angrily that the it wasn’t allowed for a woman to be alone with a male doc, a nurse must be present (which was not present) and that is probably why doc didn’t do the proper physical checkup. Well! he should have (if he thought an extensive one was necessary; he did check my breathing and stomach softness), called a nurse in or my mother in. i didn’t have any issues with him doing my physical checkup alone too.  and he didn’t mention anything about that to me at all.

Anyway, I went back thinking God knows how long was this process was going to take and if i had the energy to fight for myself and make people believe that i was actually in a lot of pain. the reports came back fine (the expensive test one too, to much displeasure of my father “but this came back fine, so expensive for no use. why did he even write that test?” as if it would have been somehow better to get a positive test back for a disease?! I really don’t know how his mind works. By the time all reports were in, it was time for my appointment at the psychiatrist and it was decided to go to her first, then on our way back show the reports to our primary doc. that way we could also talk to him about what she said.

Oh wait, i forgot to mention in my last post. the doctor only suggested the psychiatrist and later sent me her number saying that i have told her about you please take an appointment. i had to call her and i asked about her fees which she very nicely said would be discounted and that helping me and understanding what was stressing me was more important. I felt so weird then, i don’t really hear these type of things very often.... or almost ever. 

going to the clinic was easy enough, of course my mother and father accompanied me. and my mother did follow in. [let me just add that i only remember about half of what happened so...] the doctor ( hereby referred to as Psy lady) asked me “so, how are you?” and i said “ i’m good *smiled awkwardly as she realised that was not what she meant to ask*. she was like okay, how do you feel and what do you want to discuss me with. so i just sat there like a dumbass. then i asked her how much the other doc told her about me. she said it was just that you are his patient and needs psychiatric help in his opinion.

I am just going to make a dialogue format written account for that and the next doctor’s visit as this seems way too confusing.

At that time (not sure) my mother interrupted;

Mother: *turned to me* “if you don’t mind may i tell her the history etc” *in pointed politeness*

Me: “ok.”

Mother: *launched from how i was such a brilliant smiling child and wanted to take this scholarship abroad but she said no* *went off a long tangent about how she was just being a nice worried parent in controlling my life and now feels guilty cuz i can’t let it go* *finished by saying* “Dr., she just can’t forget that, she is stressed no job plus the lock down etc you know how it is. then she found out she has scoliosis in january and i think she has taken it to heart, like really it is completely asymptomatic and i have asked the doc she won’t have any problems cuz of it in the future” (i am guessing she meant having babies but really who knows) “she has just taken stress over that”.

Psy lady : *scribbled something on her paper* “My i have some time alone with her?”

Mother: “yes yes sure” *left* 

Psy lady : “so tell me a bit about yourself.”

Me: *was still fuming and recoiling and shaking in my seat cuz i just don’t understand until how long is my mother going to throw that in my face. it has been years and i wasn’t even that upset about it (at least i just quietly internalized it) but she refused, controlled my life (since birth btw and still does now) and not even let me do anything else i want to do, nor find a job, then proceeded to throw her ‘oh i feel so guilty, i am such a good parent. i have commited a crime by being caring and now i must be punished oh!’ at me. Like where am i in all that? you say no, you control, your guilt, your love, your care, your image as a parent that must never be broken. where am i in all that? ALSO you never listen to my complains about pain so shut up* 

Psy lady: ...

Me: “umm... hi... i umm never had a dream, but then i found this thing in my mid-twenties and i loved it, but they didn’t let me pursue it, then didn’t let me do anything. and now they act like i am a burden on them. now i have nothing to do or like, and i can’t even find a job or have anywhere to go. i don’t even really wanna die, i am just tired” *burst into tears yet again as i realized i had no idea why i was telling her all that and it felt so fake and story like at the same time*    “... i can’t even breathe and i am in so much pain all the time that i feel like detached from my body cuz every time i try to be in it it fucking hurts.”

Psy lady: “are your parents always this much controlling” *pointed to the door indicating my mother*

Me: “they are emotionally abusive”

Psy lady: *had been looking into my eyes but looked away at the word abusive and didn’t say anything*

Me: *continued after a little shock that i actually said it out loud* “I can’t walk, my knees hurt” *tried to repeat almost all that was possible from the previous doc*   *also told her about feeling dissociative and explained a bit how that feels for me* * told her all about how i was fine in dragging me through life but now that my body has suddenly collapsed (where as before it was just emotional pain and numbness and occasional body pains in back and stuff nothing too overwhelming or maybe i was mentally strong to ignore it) i feel very scared and lost. I was dealing with everything fine on my own even when i felt like dying but now i cant handle anything, i can’t even act in front of others; something i am exceptionally good at* *talked about lowered brain function, slowness, low blood pressure, no energy suddenly, not being able to retain information or remember anything, not having a concept of time and memory*

Psy lady: *explained about DPDR disorder and asked me about sleep eating etc.*

Me: *repeated the same: loved sleep can’t now, loved eating can’t now* 

After some time of explaining asking and answering, she said that i have depression and what happens is that our brain stops making certain chemicals and to get it to make them again we have 2 options. one is medicine; the other is motivation and exercises. it seems like the latter would be hard for me (and i confirmed that i infact cannot walk or do almost anything and exercise is too painful cuz pain everywhere) she said that the best route in my situation is to start the medicine for some weeks (she said she’d not give them for more than 4 months; whole course including tapering them out) and explained that the medicines were very safe and answered all my queries about dependency on them or side effects etc. I said if that is what she thinks would be best and if taking them means i could feel alive again and my brain function would return to normal.

she then asked me to bring my mother back in. she explained the medicines to her and said i have diagnosed her with MDD. My mother asked what is that. She said Moderate Depressive disorder. my mother asked if the medicine was necessary. she  said yes, and to not worry as these were safe and she’s only giving to get me started and pull me out of this extreme state, only for a short time. she also said that come back after 10 days of eating these, so we can see the effect and the side effects if any, and that day she’d also get me an appointment for a psychologist who worked in the same clinic as she thinks it would help me immensely. we agreed. took the medicine and left for the doc no. 1′s clinic. My mother didn’t say anything.

we reached his office and throughout the short car ride and while sitting there waiting for my turn, i was feeling very... accomplished? enthusiastic? Dunno... I was just trying not to cry cuz i finally had it written on paper, i was finally diagnosed, i had finally gotten help. yes, it was only a start and i don’t know much about how doctors work diagnosis and how much more can be added in future visits but it was a start. i finally did something to actually help me.

Finally, our turn came. we showed him the reports and told him what she said and prescribed. My mother asked him if the meds were necessary. 

doc: “yeah they really believe in starting meds right away.”

mother: “I don’t want her to take them, it’s like giving up. she can use her will power and get better right?” [she also added something very weird like ‘these stamps (mental disorders diagnosed on paper) are not good for a woman’ or something along this line]

Doc: “yes she can. i too would suggest she do that.”

Mother: *went off on a long tangent about how when she was my age she had depression after having my older sister. but she will-powered through it and didn’t take the meds etc*

doc: “yes i agree, but it really depends on her is she willing to do it” *in a tone that suggested that i should say yes immediately and will-power though life*

Me: * realizing no one is listening to me* “doctor, can you please talk with the Psy lady and ask her if they are necessary in her opinion cuz i have no will left to power though with.”

Doc: “okay.” *called her and talked right then* * told her that he thinks it would be better to willpower through it?

Mother: “well she can will-power through right?”

Doc: “well the Psy lady said that she has been powering through with her will power for years; she has none left anymore. so she thinks that meds are the best option and besides” *looked at the prescription again* “these meds are not addictive and very safe.”

Mother: * insisted on no meds for 15 more minutes and had a long discussion with doc about praying, watching motivational speakers and what not*

doc: *joined in enthusiastically*

Me: *stared into the distance and stops listening with my wobbly neck and painful back*

Doc: “well she is not even listening. can you do it? exercise?”

me: “no it hurts, as i have explained before, not like the yayy muscle cramping up cuz i worked out way and i will love exercise in 2 weeks time way. No! the tendons hurt the bones hurt the joints hurt extremely painfully and it increases with time, even after 2-3 weeks it doesn’t get better.”

Doc: “okay, how about friends? social life? what do you do at home etc”

Me: “my friends are not here, i never made new ones. no social life. even when i was going to class before the lock down, it was from home to uni, uni to home. had no friends there. and i did walked in uni for about half an hour or even more but it hurt in the beginning, i thought okay, cramps (although my knees and heels were very painful too) but it almost felt like it got better (the cramps part) but then it got way worse and after a month i couldn’t walk for more than 10 minutes at a very slow painful speed.”

Doc: *asked about pets, anything that would suggest i was a living being with a life*

Me: “pets are not allowed and so is leaving the house by myself.”

Mother: *interjected* “we have never restricted her for anything.”

By this time, i had frankly given up and i don’t remember what happened next or where the conversation went. just remember something along the lines of “ for these 10-15 days before the next Psy lady appointment, let her do whatever she likes to, don’t ask her don’t control her. let her start up her social life again. she needs to be around friends and the things she can enjoy” something like this. to which my mother said very confidently “sure whatever she wants to do”

then, we left his office and in the car she told me to “not eat the meds as we have ‘now discussed it with your doctor”

this is getting way longer. i think i’d make one more post about it, or maybe one more after that for bits that i forgot. this post seems so badly written upon second inspection. this is not even the 40% of what happened but i don’t remember what happened exactly, or even the timeline.

The third and hopefully last post of this series can be found here post 3

[dvp95]

quiet on widow’s peak (3)

pairing: dan howell/phil lester, pj liguori/sophie newton/chris kendall rating: teen & up tags: paranormal investigator, youtuber phil lester, dan howell is not a youtuber, online friendship, slow burn, strangers to lovers, nonbinary character, trans character, background poly, phil does some buzzfeed unsolved shit and dan is a fan word count: 3.1k (this chapter), 9.5k (total) summary: Phil’s got a list of paranormal experiences a mile long that he likes to share with the world. Abandoned buildings, cemeteries, and ghost stories have always called his name, and a particular fan of his has a really, really good ghost story.

read this chapter on ao3 or here!

Interviews used to be Phil's least favourite part of this job. The research was always captivating, the filming was always fun, the editing was always challenging, but talking? To people? About things? Absolutely not.

He still doesn't love doing it, but he's long past the point of begging Martyn or Ian to pretend to be him on the phone.

The curtains in Phil's room are open for once, letting natural light in so he doesn't look as dark on the Skype screen. His eyes keep drifting to himself, distracting him as he tries to fix his hair or laments not getting out of his pyjamas. This is his fourth interview of the day, and he's starting to hate the process with a renewed fervour.

"Okay, thank you," he says, clicking out of the screen record window. "Can I message you here if I have any further questions, or would you prefer this to be your final statement?"

"Oh, um," the girl says, her eyes round with some kind of emotion that Phil can't be bothered to parse. "No, no, that's... that's all I saw. I don't have anything else. But you can still... message me, if you like."

Ah. Phil makes a face that he hopes reads as apologetic and not panicked. "No, I - sorry. Gay. Just interested in your ghost."

"Oh!" she says again, looking more puzzled than Phil thinks she has any right to after a forty minute conversation where he mostly just asked her clarifying questions that she kept dodging. She tucks some of her long hair behind her ear and shakes her head. "Sorry, that's just - you haven't said that online."

Phil isn't very good at knowing when people are lying to him, but now he's definitely suspicious of the half-assed testimony he'd gotten from this girl. He sighs. "Okay, you know who I am, then?"

"I mean, I looked you up when you messaged me about a video and all," she says. "Wanted to know if you were a creep or, like, legit."

Okay, that's fair enough. Phil supposes that if he were a girl in uni and a stranger asked to video chat, he'd also do a little digging first. He still doesn't quite believe her story, though - most of it matches what she'd written on Facebook, word for word, and she didn't go into detail on anything she claimed happened.

"Right, of course," says Phil, feeling awkward and exposed.

Her eyes are wide and blue and she can see into his room, into his life, and she's giving him this look like she thinks she knows something about him. He hates this feeling.

"That a secret, then?" she asks.

"No," Phil says. "It's just not relevant to my job. I don't have a lot of ghouls asking me out."

She doesn't laugh. Phil is getting more and more uncomfortable by the second, and he's wondering if it's worth it to hang up on a potential lead - no matter how dubious her claims - when she says, "Well, alright. I won't tell anyone anyway."

"Thanks," Phil says automatically. He doesn't particularly care if she does or not, but he does want this call to end as soon as possible. "And thanks for your time. Message me if you think of anything else you forgot to mention about the Wilkins place or if you know of someone who's seen something."

Before she can even respond, Phil hits end on the call and groans, resting his forehead on his thumbs for a moment.

Unsurprisingly, this is giving him a migraine. It doesn't take much to make the twinge of a headache turn to insistent throbbing, because Phil's body hates him and overreacts to everything.

Phil takes a couple of deep breaths before he comes out of hiding. He attaches the final screen recording to the email he's already got open and ready to send to Martyn. After a moment's thought, he CCs PJ and Sophie in and adds, Nobody sounds credible except the second person to me, so... it's not looking good lol, before hitting send.

He takes off his glasses and rubs at his eyes for a moment. Interviews are still draining for him, especially when they don't go as planned, and Phil's starting to get the impression that there's nothing to even find at the Wilkins place.

But. Phil pauses, considers his options. He hasn't interviewed everyone, has he.

Before he can talk himself out of it, Phil shoves his glasses unceremoniously back onto his face and opens Tumblr. Winnie hasn't said anything to him so far today, so Phil feels only a little like he's bothering them when he shoots off a quick, Hey! I just finished interviewing the sources you gave me and most of them aren't very promising. Would you consider letting me ask you some questions to round out the video?

me?????, Winnie replies almost immediately. i didnt even see anything?? like im happy to answer questions but idk how much use ill b in an INTERVIEW

I know! And you don't have to lmao so don't feel pressured or anything but you know so much more about the place than they do. Everyone claimed that they didn't know other people were having paranormal experiences.

oh bullshit, Winnie says. Phil is surprised into a huff of laughter.

There's a part of Phil, fuelled by anxiety and uncertainty, that worries Winnie is just pulling an elaborate joke on him. That part of him feels a little more at ease every time he actually talks to Winnie. They just seem... genuine. And maybe Martyn would disagree, would blame Phil's desperation to see the best in people, but there's a reason Phil doesn't tell Martyn everything.

Before Phil can agree with Winnie's colourful derision, his laptop beeps again. i look like an ogre rn but i can voice chat if you rly think itll help

It would!!, Phil assures them. The tender spot behind his eyes twinges again, serving as a reminder. Can I call in like an hour? I've got a headache from the screen lol

sure i really have nothing else going on today

--

So it's later in the day, late afternoon light still streaking through Phil's window, when Phil sits back down at his computer and adds the Skype username Winnie gave him. His head still hurts a bit, but it isn't all-consuming now that he's had another coffee and some painkillers. The padded headphones feel good to put over his ears, blocking out most of the typical noises from such a full house and a busy street, and Phil just sits in the blissful quiet for a moment before he sends a voice call request.

It gets picked up almost immediately, and Phil presses a smile into his palm before he says, "Hi! Can you hear me alright?"

There's a beat. Phil waits, in case Skype is lagging as usual, but he's opening his mouth to repeat himself by the time he gets a response.

"Yeah," says Winnie. "I can hear you."

Phil isn't really proud of himself for being surprised by Winnie's voice. It's just. He knows his viewer demographics, okay, and he has a rough grasp on Tumblr demographics, and the name - alright. It isn't his proudest moment, is his point, because he's expecting a much higher pitch for absolutely no good reason.

In addition to that, his brain automatically tries to classify Winnie's voice as very obviously masculine, and Phil has to push back against that.

"I can hear you, too," Phil says cheerfully, not allowing his anxieties to spill over into the conversation.

"That's good, probably," Winnie says. There's another beat of silence, and then a huff that might be laughter or a sigh comes through Phil's headphones. "Sorry, I - I'm not trying to be fucking weird, this is just surreal."

"Is it?" Phil hums. "But I haven't even asked you about ghosts yet."

A snort - definitely laughter, this time - follows, and Phil is so glad that he's able to put Winnie at ease even if his brain is betraying him. "That's true. I guess it's gotta get weirder from here."

"That's kind of, like, the subtitle of my whole channel," says Phil. After a moment, he frowns. "Subtitle? No. What's the thing, on the poster -"

"Tagline," says Winnie. They sound so amused and warm and, okay, they've got a nice voice. That's not gendered. Phil can think that. "You're thinking of a tagline, you buffoon."

"Tagline," Phil echoes gratefully.

"Don't you," Winnie starts, then stops abruptly. They don't finish the sentence, but Phil can kind of guess what they were going to say. There's the sound of some rustling, like Winnie is getting comfortable, before they change tacks. "Again, I didn't see any of this alleged ghostly activity with my own eyes, but I know the hot goss."

Phil opens the recording program out of habit, nodding even though Winnie can't see him. "That's still really useful at this point," he says encouragingly. He clicks a couple of buttons. "And, yes, I do have an English degree. Thank you for not asking."

Winnie laughs, the sound of it filling Phil's headphones and making it feel like they're in the room with him. It's warm, like everything else about their voice, and absolutely contagious.

"I didn't want you to think I was, like, a big stalker," Winnie says, and Phil can hear the grin in their voice.

"Eh, I know you watch my videos," says Phil. "So I figure you know some stuff about me. You probably know that I'm going to ask this, too, but - is it okay if I record our conversation? I don't need to include it in the video if you don't want me to, but it's still useful for me if I don't so I can, like, actually remember the things you told me."

"Yeah, sure," Winnie agrees easily. They hesitate, for a moment, and Phil waits for whatever the caveat will be. "Uh, can I still swear?"

The question surprises Phil into laughing. "Yeah, you're fine. I can bleep them out."

"Then I am all for it. Ask me the ghost questions, ghost man."

Phil presses record and glances down at his notebook, where he's scrawled some disjointed questions alongside his usual doodling. "Uh, okay. Yes. I am totally a professional."

"If you say so, mate," says Winnie.

"Hush. Okay." Phil finally gets his brain back on track and taps his pen against a question near the end of his list. "So, Winnie, you did all this research into the Wilkins place on your own downtime, but you mentioned that you've been hearing murmurs about it for a while, right?"

"Not that long, actually, I've only been hearing about it since term started," Winnie says, and Phil is struck by how comfortable they suddenly are now that there's a guideline. Or, maybe, now that there's a non-Phil audience. "Which I thought was pretty weird, since I'd been there a couple times since I moved here, and it's a spooky fucking place but nothing to write home about."

That's more or less exactly how Phil feels about the situation, except that he doesn't remember the Wilkins place to be scary at all. Maybe it's gotten worse in the years since, or maybe he's just got a higher threshold for empty, decrepit homes than Winnie does. Either way, he's not sure if he should be relieved or suspicious that their thoughts on it mirror his own so well. He starts a spiral in the corner of his page as he considers the answer.

"So, you never got the impression that it was haunted before?"

"I - can I be perfectly honest?" Winnie asks, and then doesn't wait for a response. "I don't get the impression that it's haunted now. I dunno if people are just making shit up or if they're doing too many drugs, but we all know that ghosts don't actually exist."

Phil snorts. He does have a fairly large number of skeptics who watch his videos to argue in the comments about logical explanations for his findings or to just enjoy watching him fail so much, but he hadn't really expected that from someone who sent him a sourced essay on the topic of ghosts.

He's recording right now, so he's not about to give away the fact that, yeah, he kind of does agree with Winnie on this one. Instead, he keeps his tone neutral and says, "You don't believe in ghosts."

"I don't believe in most things that can't be explained by science," Winnie says, so matter-of-fact that Phil has to smile.

"I don't really believe in science," Phil says, mild.

A beat. "Excuse me?"

"I said I don't believe in science," Phil repeats, doubling down on the joke so he can hear that incredulous pitch of Winnie's nice voice again. "I mean, isn't it all just as made-up as anything else? People just tell us stuff exists and we have to believe them?"

"We believe them," Winnie says slowly, "because it's a fact."

"How do I know that?" Phil asks. He knows how off track he's already gotten, and he decides to cut this part out before he sends the file to Martyn or his friends.

"Because you can. See it. With your eyes." The genuine bewilderment in Winnie's voice is very funny. "Like. What the fuck, Phil. If someone drops an apple and it hits the ground and they're like, 'oh that's gravity', how are you supposed to say, 'uh, no it ain't'?"

Phil leans back in his chair a bit, his spiral turning into an apple. "Because, what if that's just what the apple wanted to do? It's not like we know any of this for sure, Winnie."

"You're fucking with me," Winnie says, but they don't sound very certain.

"I am," Phil admits happily. "Do you remember the first incident that kicked off the Wilkins place rumours?"

"You," Winnie says, and then cackles. They lean away from their mic as they do, but the sound of it still makes Phil feel some secondhand giddiness. He wonders if their laugh has a volume limit, or if it's just going to keep getting louder the funnier Phil is. He is so tempted to put that to the test. "Fuck. You little fucker."

Phil hides his own giggle in the palm of his hand and clears his throat, trying to get back into the professional mindset he'd forced himself to be in for the four earlier interviews.

"Do you need me to repeat the question?" Phil asks. He can't resist teasing, just a bit.

"No, fuck off," Winnie chuckles. They take a deep breath and let it out on a hum, low and thoughtful. "So, there was this shindig during fresher's, which I obviously didn't go to because I'm not a fresher and I'm too old to go to shindigs, but people were talking about how the house was making weird noises. A girl I know - I linked you to her Reddit post - said she saw someone just standing outside the window watching them, but, like, is that really a supernatural occurrence in Rusholme?"

"It's not. And she hit on me as well, so I'm not sure her judgement is trustworthy."

"Sounds like her. Sorry. Anyway, nobody really thought 'ghosts' as much as they thought 'rats in the walls and a pervert on the street', but then - this one didn't get spoken about online. I don't even know how valid it is."

"Word of mouth is how most ghost stories get passed," says Phil. "I'm not going to hold you to citations on rumours."

Winnie huffs a laugh. It's soft, quiet, and Phil almost wishes he could say something ridiculous to make them cackle again. Unfortunately, he has a job to do.

"Fair enough. Well, some idiots spent the night there to see if anything weird would happen," Winnie says, and Phil feels a bit attacked, "and three separate dudes had sleep paralysis."

Phil hums and jots some messy notes down. "In the same night?"

"At the same time," Winnie corrects him. "The other idiots were trying to wake them up for a long time, apparently. They're convinced that the guys who fell asleep were just pulling a prank on them, and maybe they were, but that's when the ball really got rolling."

Out of everything Phil has heard today, this is the most compelling story so far. Maybe that's a good indicator of the Manchester students being full of it - maybe there truly is nothing to find in the Wilkins place - but it piques Phil's interest anyway.

"For someone who only believes in cold, hard science, you're good at telling ghost stories," Phil says.

"Thanks," Winnie says, sounding pleased with themselves. "Learned from the best."

Phil is suddenly very, very glad that this isn't a video call, because he can't stop himself from smiling like an idiot. "Oh, is that what they're calling me?"

Another cackle. Phil doesn't remember the last time he made someone laugh so much without tripping over his own clown feet.

"I never said I was talking about you."

"Uh huh."

"Oh, shut up," says Winnie, and Phil can still hear the laughter in their voice. "Don't you have a bunch of questions to ask or something?"

Phil does. He has a whole list of questions that he should be following. He chews on his pen and looks at the doodle-covered list of things he's meant to ask Winnie. His head still hurts - maybe the extra caffeine didn't help after all - and all he really wants to do is take a nap.

"Yeah," Phil says, reluctant. "I've just got, like, a migraine. Can I call you back another time? This was a really great start."

"Oh, yeah, sure," says Winnie. They've dropped their voice down to something soft, like they're worried that they'll make Phil's headache worse.

"I'm actually going up to check the place out this weekend." Phil isn't sure what makes him say that. He meets up with sources in person, sometimes, but usually only if they've seen something with their own eyes. He just feels comfortable talking to Winnie, far more than he'd felt talking to the other students he'd interviewed today.

Phil doesn't actually extend the invitation, and Winnie either doesn't pick up the hint or doesn't care to.

"That'll be good," they say, still soft. "Get some rest, Phil, you can call me back when your brain stops trying to drill a hole through your temple."

After Phil says goodbye and hangs up, he sits at his desk for a long moment. It feels too quiet, all of a sudden, his padded headphones blocking out all the ambient noise around him. It's good for his head, but Phil is still weirdly disappointed.

[geek-gem]

Joker 2019 Sequel Cast And Ideas

This was a draft I’ve been working on for a long while now. I forgot when I started it. Maybe two weeks but I’m not sure. I’ve seen Joker three times. The film has made a billion dollars. Including Joaquin Phoenix seems like he wouldn’t mind being the Joker again. Also Todd Phillips has said he wouldn’t mind a sequel unless the story is right. Which I agree with him.

I just wanna mention I really like Joker 2019. Especially the Arthur Fleck interpretation of the Joker. Including you can see the popularity among Tumblr especially women. XD But yeah to be honest I’m both ways. I don’t mind if it’s just a stand alone. But also I loved this version of the character. It’s the version that got me to appreciate the Joker as character. Which may sound stupid.

Especially despite what Todd Phillips has said....I want this Joker to meet his Batman in his universe. The idea of a continuation to Joker has been on my mind for a long time now. Yet the problem and I have mentioned it before.

A half of it is like, “Yeah this is the kind of a movie that's the perfect continuation to Joker. It’s artsy and has lots of meaning”, but also it feels like, “What the hell is this? What’s with so many characters in this story? Why are there many references? This doesn’t feel like the kind of film Joker 2019 was”.

Including I have wondered it feels like a movie that would deserve a super cut. Something like Batman V Superman with it’s ultimate edition(Which added more scenes that explained things). Or even the It supercut I’ve read about. Which is basically the two It films put together with I think more footage too. Including it being 7 hours.

But the main focus of this story was between the relationship between Bruce Wayne/Batman and Arthur Fleck/Joker. Including it’s about the end of the Joker. But also for Arthur Fleck, giving him a proper send off. So a franchise wouldn’t be built. 

I am planning on making a synopsis of the general story. It’s what I think a sequel should be to Joker. But I would trust with what Todd Phillips and Joaquin Phoenix would want to do with a sequel. This is just my fan fiction of wanting to respect of what had came before. Expanding upon Arthur’s journey as the Joker. Including to give this character a emotional conclusion as he meets the Batman and Bruce Wayne during his final week or more of living. 

So this is all rambling. I’ve been hesitant to post this because again it’s just rambling and notes. But I think I should share this. Be warned there are spoilers. Including if you have been going in deep in the theories about Joker 2019. You may be disappointed by possible choices I’ve made in this. Because doing this kind of sequel may disprove certain theories or confirm certain theories. I’m deeply sorry this is very long.

Joaquin Phoenix as Arthur Fleck/Joker. 

A mentally ill man disregarded by society and became the, “Joker” in 1981. 20 years later, now 50 years old and known mostly as his alter ego. An anarchist with no motive wreaking havoc in Gotham as much as he can with followers behind him. 

But as years gone, things have changed. With more people are slowly stop believing his cause. Including with this, “Batman” helping the police closing in on him. Old emotions have started to flow through Arthur again. Bringing back memories of why he became this way. Even if he does not fear death, he thinks his final days are probably upon. As each day he grows older and the world is moving on without him.

Including just like his final days will like how in 1981 will forever impact him. Once he crosses paths again with Bruce Wayne. Along with who people thought was a urban legend, “Batman”. With Arthur realizing he isn’t the only freak in Gotham who suffered so much.

Notes: The story of this Joker continuation is something. I’ll be honest I want to respect the legacy of these old comics characters. While also putting them in this world Joker 2019 created. But also the direction I’ve been thinking about for Arthur/Joker may bother a lot of Joker fans. 

Mainly considering this story where it’s basically what I call, “Jokers Downfall” because it’s final days or week or so on. While showcasing 20 years the man who was once Arthur Fleck truly changed. Becoming an, “Agent Of Chaos” creating destruction wherever he can.

It’s this time in his life as he meets people old and new that causes him to act differently. In some ways you get the evil Joker that you usually think of. But for this story kind of has a, “Softer” Joker. Because of his meeting with certain people, especially Bruce Wayne and Batman. The man that was once Arthur Fleck is still there. Including as Joker becomes less of how people see him, being honest of who he had killed, and other things.

But including to make sure this doesn’t turn into a long running franchise. Even though I have thought this feels like the third part in a trilogy. This story is a way a definite end for Arthur Fleck. In his own and for the best of everyone a ending that only suits him. 

Yet this doesn’t mean he doesn’t get redeemed at all or you condone his actions. It’s more like a proper ending to a man who had good intentions, but because of how society treated him and the choices he made. It’s an ending where the only, “Happy ending” probably for him is his death. But also the addition of maybe along the line some how, he gains a best friend. Someone who understands him. Showcasing he’s not alone. Especially proving Murray Franklin’s words, “Not everyone is awful”. 

But the tragedy in all of this. This revelation happened 20 years later. Because Arthur has destroyed his chance of returning to who he was. Or even change for the better. The best thing for Arthur/Joker in this situation despite this sounds rather harsh. Is for him to embrace death as the world around him has changed. But also to as he reaches closer to death. He truly that he wasn’t alone, one spot or more empathy from someone in the likes of Bruce Wayne/Batman and whoever else.

Including the other thing. Confirming whether or not Arthur is Bruce’s legitimate older brother. Considering there or theories based upon the flies Arthur had taken. It’s something I need to think about.

Jay Ryan as Bruce Wayne/Batman.

A young man who lost his parents during the riots in 1981. Traumatized by his parents deaths. He vowed to bring vengeance upon criminals. It’s been 20 years since that night, now 28 years old. He’s been mostly keeping a low profile as the, “Batman”. Fighting criminals and stopping the mobs. Gaining the trust of the citizens and even the police. Despite them being suspicious still. While making sure no one figures out it’s Bruce as this vigilante. 

Because of him and the Joker being now out in the open more. He’s set his sights on the man who inspired the man who murdered his parents. Yet what Bruce figures out as he looks more deep into who the Joker is. Including who was Arthur Fleck, and what made him what he was. Bruce discovers that his father, someone he looked up for all his life. Finds out his father wasn’t truly the greatest. Including was one of the reasons for Arthur’s decent into madness.

Along with trying to hold back his anger as much as he can as he learns more information and not wanting to kill. Bruce slowly uncovers what made Arthur how he is now. Which results in not just wanting to bring Arthur to justice, but to even try to save this man who suffered so much.

Describing his batsuit: To fit the aesthetic and tone of this world that Joker 2019 is featured in. Including to compare with next to Arthur Fleck's Joker attire in Joker 2019. With the help of a friend named Lucius Fox. Bruce's batsuit could be similar to the likes of the batsuits from The Dark Knight trilogy.

But mainly in a weird way to fit this more realistic world. The batsuit seems similar to the likes of the outfit worn by Hunk and Vector from the Resident Evil series, and also the likes of SAS soldiers. But without the likes of a gasmask unless if needed for any necessary situation.

Especially like the 1989 batsuit, there is body armor on the chest to protect Bruce from bullets.

This batsuit is basically personally accustomed for Bruce Wayne's needs and his war on crime. It still has the cape, the bat ears, and the spikes on his gloves.

The concept of Batman in the world of Joker 2019: This is something that's been on my mind. Because reading the process behind Joaquin Phoenix's Joker outfit of how he would look. But also the idea of Joaquin Phoenix's Joker is basically supposed to be what if the Joker existed in real life.

Before Joker 2019, The Dark Knight Trilogy was maybe the best example of showing how the Batman mythos could exist in reality. The challenge for this Batman was to try that again. But this time not recreate what Christopher Nolan had did basically copying him. Yet the idea of it is how would Batman realistically look in this universe.

It's a interesting challenge. Mainly the design is what makes me think. While I know the concept of a Batsuit looking like something similar to the likes of SAS and the other examples I mentioned. It's to compliment the realistic approach taken for Joker. Basically how Christopher Nolan did for Batman and Joker before.

Including to me we've had comic accurate Batmans and Jokers before so to me it's okay to change things up a bit, be creative. Yet I understand a direction like this would get hatred. Especially how people were reacting to Joker at first.

But I keep telling myself this. The concepts I keep thinking is it's like a smaller version of Batman 1989 and The Dark Knight. Because both Batman and Joker were two major characters in those films. Yet there have been ideas of showcasing a Batmobile. The biggest challenge of that is how would that look realistic. Yes we have the Tumbler as a example and that's good. 

Including the training Bruce had in this universe. After talking with a friend and making some funny jokes. Alfred in this universe was part of the SAS when he was younger. Bruce did some smaller forms of training(Such as karate as a friend mentioned as an idea) before having Alfred help get connections to get secret training from the SAS in the United Kingdom. Including any other possible special forces training that Bruce may need in his war on crime. 

I have wondered of using Batman's first appearance as an inspiration. But I have thought of other inspirations like Ben Affleck's Batman, The Dark Knight Trilogy, Batman Arkham Origins, the Telltale Batman series. I just wanna make the best realistic Batman I can make.

Especially for this take including I remember hearing Ben Affleck’s take on Batman would of been about his mental state. This is kind of familiar. But it’s also showcasing that this Bruce Wayne is the anti thesis of who his dad was in Joker 2019. Showcasing the good Bruce does when he’s not Batman. Such as using his wealth to help those around him. I do think people might dislike the idea of a, “Softer” Batman. Yet considering the direction of this story. It’s something I wanna take and it seems fitting for a sequel to Joker 2019. Especially as a conclusion to Arthur’s story showcasing after he became Joker. The events in 1981 started a chain reaction that changed Gotham City. Including the lives of Bruce Wayne and Arthur Fleck. 

About Jay Ryan as Bruce Wayne/Batman: This is something that’s been bothering me. Casting Bruce Wayne/Batman is such a huge deal. While yes all of this is fan fiction right now. Originally Jay Ryan was my choice for the DC Black Clark Kent/Superman. But I decided to have him as Bruce Wayne/Batman. 

From what I’ve read he’s gotten experience from shows like Beauty And The Beast(Where he plays Vincent Keller the beast), and Mary Kills People(Where he plays a detective named Ben Wesley). Mainly my experience of seeing him in something was in It Chapter 2 where he played the older version of Ben Hanscom.

Mainly my biggest concern is not just his age. Yet he looks quite young anyway and there are similarities with Dante Pereira-Olson who portrayed a younger Bruce Wayne in Joker 2019. But also his performance next to Joaquin Phoenix’s Arthur Fleck/Joker. 

Which is interesting a younger Batman against a Joker who’s been doing his thing for 20 years. A weird similarity between the DCEU’s Superman and Batman. I have thought of Nicholas Hoult. But I think people may not like the choice. 

Yet when I look at it. The direction of this Batman isn’t meant to be something like Batfleck. Who had been Batman for 20 years. This is a Batman in this universe started being Batman(like in the comics) at the age of 25. Starting in 1996. Yet he’s still young and learning. Including like I mentioned he’s a, “Softer” version of other versions. Who’s the reason why Gotham is doing better now. By donating his wealth to the people of Gotham. Basically what his father never did in this universe maybe.

Brad Pitt as Jim Gordon.

The commissioner of the Gotham City Police Department. Who was present during the riots of 1981. A good cop who is trying to help everyone the best he can in Gotham City. Especially with corrupt cops being around. He’s been on trail of the Joker for some years now but without any luck. With Batman helping more he’s close to catching him. 

Little does Gordon realize the chaos that might ensure when Joker and Batman finally meet. Which will result in something more greater than the riots in 1981.

Notes: Originally actors like Bryan Cranston(who voiced the character in Batman Year One), and Tom Selleck. But considering Bryan already voiced the character, and Tom seems like it would be type casting. Because of his character’s role in Blue Bloods. Brad Pitt was chosen because of the early reports of him being James Gordon in Matt Reeves The Batman 2021.

Especially to give the cast that, “Oscar” feel or so. Considering the last film had Robert De Niro. I wanted to give Brad Pitt that chance to shine.

Sophia Lillis as Barbara Gordon.

The young daughter of Commissioner Gordon. Only 17/18 years old as of now. While her father is concerned of trusting this, “Batman” vigilante. She believes Batman is trying to do the same thing as her father. But just on the other side of the law. 

An intelligent and also brave young girl who wants to help people. While wanting to help this case somehow by trying to be a detective. She never expected that in her life she would get this deep in this search for the Joker.

Especially when she ends up meeting the proposed, “Clown Prince Of Crime” himself. Someone she has only heard stories about, but never thought she would meet.

Zazie Beetz as Sophie Dumond.  

A young women Arthur had fallen in love with during 1981. But then Arthur discovered he had been hallucinating his entire relationship with her. With Sophie now in her late 40′s. While not close to Arthur. Because of the, “Batman” trying to find out answers about who Arthur Fleck was. Sophie discovers a bit more about how Arthur felt about her. Especially with Joker remembering her again and maybe some how can restart what they had. 

Notes: There is this idea of when Batman decides to investigate who Arthur is. He tracks down anyone who may of had a connection with him. With cameos from characters like Sophie, and Gary are in this film. Because they have met him before. Mainly with Gary knowing a bit more on Arthur because of working with him. 

Just a important detail, Sophie doesn’t die. But I wanted to bring back these certain characters that had met Arthur during his transformation into the Joker. Including in this story. I decided to do a little retcon(Unless it could still be in there) by adding in the scene from what I heard about the old script. Of Arthur in his Joker outfit meeting Sophie one final time before leaving to go meet Murray Franklin. Basically apologizing to her about the incident of him being in her apartment, giving her flowers, money, and telling her he’ll be on the Murray Franklin Show.

While this may seem weird. It’s this idea that because of the road he was taking, and knowing he might not see her again. He just wanted to say something one final time to her. Despite in the movie they never had a actual relationship.

It’s this idea that after 20 years. Joker still had these feelings for her and telling her the truth of how he felt. Including how he was feeling about her. But Sophie being honest with her after everything he’s done, it probably wouldn’t work. Yet he doesn’t get angry. It’s more like he understands because she’s right in this case.

This was a character I wanted to bring back somehow. Again these are all just my ideas. Especially this was the, “Softer” Joker I’m talking about. Because it’s at this stage, he doesn’t seem to care. Because Arthur is slowly coming back and Joker just doesn’t care anymore. 

Mark Hamill as Jack Napier. 

The old boyfriend of Penny Fleck who is the reason behind Arthur’s, “Condition”. Who was released 20 years earlier. Now working among the regular people. Including trying to stay low and make sure no one knows who he is. Because after all those years of spending in jail, he is still the cold hearted man who had beaten Arthur. But now living as a hermit, not making any connections with anybody. 

During this time, Batman questions him about Arthur and where he may be at. But also when Joker discovers who Napier is and that he still lives in Gotham City. He decides to pay the old man a visit and confront him.

Notes: This is a weird addition. Because in a way it doesn’t add a whole lot except that Batman part. Mainly the addition of Penny’s boyfriend being in this story is to give the people what they want. To have Arthur/Joker give him what he deserves. Including to close a chapter in Arthur’s life. 

Mainly the scene is this weird dark comedic scene with Joker, Barbara(who’s being kept hostage by the Joker), and his followers go to Jack Napier’s apartment. With Joker revealing who he is(Despite the added Batman meeting I had thought about to give his role more meaning) to Jack Napier and what he did to him as a child. With Jack Napier admitting to not regretting abusing Arthur. Including saying Arthur deserved it. 

Joker(Even if he was already planning on doing this, Jack Napier not regretting his actions made the choice even more easy) holding a customized sledge hammer, repeatedly beats Jack Napier with the hammer to the head. Basically beating the old man to death. With Joker admitting this is a vengeance to with Napier had beaten Arthur’s head. 

It ends with Joker all tired from beating his abuser to death. Traumatizing Barbara(Which was the reason he brought her there to witness it. To show in his case, “Parents are fucking awful”) in the process. With Joker literally asking as some sort way to calm her nerves down by asking her and his followers if they want to order pizza. With Joker literally stealing Napier’s money off his corpse to pay for a possible pizza.

Including it was tough thinking of who to cast as this character. Including it’s a small role. Originally it was Clancy Brown. But I decided Mark Hamill as a easter egg because he had voiced the Joker in multiple Batman media. Such as Batman The Animated Series, and the Batman Arkham series. Especially his name being a callback to Jack Napier from Batman 1989, the Jokers real name from that film.

Douglas Hodge as Alfred Pennyworth.

Bruce Wayne’s butler, caretaker, and legal guardian after Bruce’s parents were murdered. He knows Bruce is Batman and tries to assist him the best he can. A best friend and father figure to Bruce during the most dire of times. But when Bruce discovers that his family had possible connections to Arthur’s decent into becoming the Joker. This puts a strain on their relationship as Alfred was possibly keeping this secret from Bruce. 

Sally Field as Dr, Leslie Thompkins.

A doctor who has dedicated her life to help Gotham’s unfortunate, including a surrogate mother to Bruce Wayne after his parents were murdered. She knows Bruce is Batman yet despite the dangers. She supports him being the Batman. 

Elza Gonzales as Selina Kyle.

A woman who Bruce has been dating for a while. The woman who would later or is possibly Catwoman now.

Emma Stone as Harleen Quinzel/Harley Quinn.

One of Jokers followers he’s gained along the way. A intern psychologist who was assigned to the Arthur one time. But soon fell in love with him and escaped with him. But compared to other interpretations, there isn’t really a abusive relationship between the two. Mainly just the idea Harley fell in love with Arthur/Joker but he doesn’t share the same feelings towards her. Which overtime her, “Love” for him slowly fades away, possibly helping the police track Joker now. Realizing she was never really in love with him. 

Notes: To be honest it’s difficult to deal with Harley in this story. Because there is a reason why I said this feels like a third part of a trilogy. Because Harley sounds like she would be something like from a first sequel. Including this is what I have said there seems to be too many characters for this one story. 

Especially with this angle because this Joker, while not abusive with her. Yet he doesn’t share the same feelings for her. With Joker or in this case Arthur still having feelings for Sophie after all these years. Especially it’s also the fact I’ve seen a person’s reply on a piece of Joker and Harley art(With the 2019 Joker and DCEU Harley with Batman) of this Joker probably wouldn’t abuse his Harley. But we don’t know about that. 

I’m sorry if I seem to disregard this element. I’ll be honest I’m not big on the Joker and Harley ship. Mainly because of the whole abuse thing and just let Harley stay with Poison Ivy. Especially I guess this adds to the, “Softer” Joker thing I mentioned.

But yeah Harley is such a big character that just it’s interesting to imagine her in the world of Joker 2019. Yet I’m trying to be careful with what I do with these characters.

Also Emma Stone isn’t this permeant casting choice. It was just a casting choice I went with him because choosing a suitable actress for Harley is difficult. Including crap now I’m thinking of having a Poison Ivy cameo to just give Harley a girlfriend or whatever.

Especially I have wondered of putting Vicki Vale as a cameo. Maybe Emma Stone but I don’t know. As of now in this development Emma in Harley.

Leif Gantvoort as Bob the goon.

A follower of Joker who in 1981 helped Arthur Fleck escape from Arkham State Hospital. Ever since then Bob has been Jokers, “Number One Guy” basically his right hand man/2nd in command. He’s a man who believes in Jokers cause or if he even has one. These days he helps Joker with his acts of terrorism. Being one of his most devoted followers.

Notes: As you can tell it’s Bob from Batman 1989, basically in the same role in a way. Yet it probably won’t end the same way like it did in the 1989 film.

 Other notes: I just wanna say I do have plans of showcasing Black Mask in this. But not as an important character. Mainly in a scene where he is talking to Joker, criticizing him for having no motive and everything he’s doing is doing nothing for anybody. Which results in Joker just straight up murdering Black Mask by shooting him in the face. All because Black Mask criticized Joker and what he was doing. 

Mainly Black Mask’s men are shocked but don’t do anything. Because they just lost their leader and Jokers followers are there too in the meeting. In a way Joker kind of saved Gotham from Black Mask and his criminal army. But it also unleashed more chaos.

Especially Black Mask would mention Penguin as a reference of him being a, “Deformed freak” who is a weapons dealer and crime lord like Black Mask of sorts. Including Killer Croc was supposed to be in this as a minor character who Batman takes down. With Killer Croc being described as a cannibal with a skin condition making him look like some sort of reptile. But I feel this may be too much and Killer Croc deserves his own film maybe. I wanna put Scarecrow and Harvey Dent in some ways. But it’s already too much.

[withlove-so]

My Fodlansona: Written edition!

Cause who needs art skills, amiright?

(This will have the timeskip looks of Ashe, Annette, and Felix because I took a screen shot from my game and forgot I was at the time skip. If you don’t wanna see that, just avoid this, otherwise you’re good)

Also under the cut, cause this got l o n g

Anyway, my bab!

Her full name is Sorrel Abrielle Caledoria!

I edited a notes sheet for her, and though it’s possible it could change, I like where it is now.

(It’s an edit of my Annette from my game file, with snippets from other characters notes. Don’t mind the wonky stat stuff, I didn’t feel like editing/getting something to match her stat line)

As you can see, she was born in Albinea. (Which I totally made up a history for, since as far as I can tell there isn’t much to speak of beyond the plants that grow there and how freezing it is.)

Past life leading up to 1180:

Her family was the leading and unchallenged noble family for about 7 years after she was born, and even before then they were the leading family. That is until the common people decided to revolt. Her father treated his people poorly since he could do/make them do whatever he wanted without being questioned or denied. They decided to move to Fódlan since they wouldn’t be accepted in Albinea any more.

They, obviously, couldn’t still be considered nobles, so they lived their lives as commoners. Sorrel’s family struggled to adjust to this change, but since she was so young, she didn’t mind at all! She made lots of friends in Fhirdiad, and there were so many delicious treats and candies! A girl her age just couldn’t get enough of it.

But she couldn’t live happily for long, after all, her family wasn’t viewed very fondly. Her father was assassinated while she and her mother were away shopping. Her mother, who feared her life would be next, fled and went into hiding. She and Sorrel went to live at a church near the border, hoping she could take refuge there. Her mother became a priestess and followed in the church’s teachings. She begged the Goddess for forgiveness on the behalf of her husband’s cruelty and her own cowardice.

Her mother died due to a seemingly incurable illness only a few years later. Sorrel blamed the Godess for not helping her mother (or maybe even cursing her directly) despite her efforts to repent. She turned her back against the Godess and the church’s teaching, but because she had nowhere else to go, she feigned loyalty.

Sorrel wants to make her late mother proud, and tries to live her life to the fullest. She decides that since she can no longer be a noble, she may as well become close to one. She decides to attend schooling at the officers academy, this way she would be able to learn how to fight and, one day, become a knight. She hopes that attending at this academy will allow her to become close to and swear fealty to a noble.

What’s her house?

100% Blue Lions, come on now

(I totally wanna think of students for the other two though, cause I really enjoyed making this one.)

What’s she like?

Sorrel is pretty competitive and loves to show off. Gotta get those good knight points, right? She’ll challenge anyone who opposes her to a fight, and the last man standing gets to be right! So basically, she’s not the brightest. She charges in without a plan, but it just kinda works out. Probably because everyone else has to try and cover for her. Despite all this, she really is trying her best, it’s just in... interesting ways. She just wants to help the people she cares about, even at her own risk. (she really is knight material...)

Outside of fighting and training, she’s a softie. She loves eating baked treats and sweets, especially homemade ones. She loves anything and everything soft and fuzzy and won’t hesitate to pet it if she sees it. She also loves cold weather, which goes hand in hand with her love of fuzzy things. If the temperature is above freezing, she’s a sweating mess! She honestly doesn’t understand how anyone can live with it being so hot...

What’s she look like?

I can only give a description but hnnnng I’ll do my best. She’s really pale because Albinea is so cloudy and cold, most people stay indoors and don’t see the sun often. Her skin could be compared to that of a ghost. Her hair is orange and at chin’s length, though it used to be really long when she was younger. Her eyes are a light green color and she has a smallish nose. Her face is always red since she’s not used to Fodlan’s weather, even after all this time. She’s usually sweating for the same reason. She’s taller than average height at 5′5″, though not by much. (Spoiler: She doesn’t get any taller 5 years later, it’s tragic)

Stats and such:

I love gameplay mechanics so I couldn’t not include this

She starts off with an Iron lance, I’m not 100% why I chose this for her it just felt right.

These are her skill levels, including what she’s good and bad at.

⏬Sword: E

⏫Lance: D

⏺Axe: E

⏫Bow: E+

*️⃣Brawl: E

⏺Reason: E

⏬Faith: E

⏺Authority: E

⏬Heavy Armor: E

⏺Riding: E

⏫Flying: E+

I chose brawling as her budding talent cause I’m biased and she’d totally deck someone if she could.

Her default class line would be

Soldier -> Pegasus Knight -> Wyvern Rider -> Wyvern Lord

But other alternatives could be

Fighter -> Archer -> Sniper

(If the enemy gets too close she just... punch)

Fighter -> Brawler Brigand -> Grappler Warrior

(She may not be able to wield an axe, but that won’t stop her from destroying everything in her path)

Personal Skill: Reckless Charge: If unit attacks first, damage dealt to foe +3 and damage taken +3

Misc info:

I chose dancing as an interest of her because... I don’t know. To be honest. I just thought she’d find it fun and enjoyable. Twirling around and having fun, laughing and just, being chill for once in her life. It was just a nice thought, but because that’s all it was I didn’t really know where to put it. So here it is.

I chose her close allies for a few different reasons.

I chose Ashe because I’m biased and love him he admires and wants to become a knight and so does she. But for two completely different reasons. I thought the dynamic would be interesting since he wants to become a knight to help people while she wants to be one just so she can rise above her current status. And I’m biased and love him.

I chose Annette because I see her as someone who is also close to Ashe and because she is from Fhirdiad. I imagine they must have run into each other a few times back then, and they could have even been friends. Maybe they shared sweets together? The idea was just too cute to pass up! They would definitely have girls nights and just hang out together.

Finally, I chose Felix because I’m 100% sure they spar. All. The. Time. They both want to prove their strength. Sorrel wants to show off and prove she’s the best, and Felix wants prove he’s stronger than everyone, and getting stronger, so of course he’d challenge someone so cocky. Sorrel is pretty naïve on what it really takes to be a knight, so most of what she knows comes from fables and such, and Felix would definely HATE it. So I think they’re dynamic would be like a competitive Ashe and I love it.

Bonus: Caspar would totally be a close runner up. They’re both morons who love charging in, they would just enable each other and it’d be horrible.

[bts-love-sweat-tears]

Julie’s Love Yourself Concert Diary

Concert Date: September 29, 2018

Written: September 30, 2018

Warnings: I curse more than I should?

Words: 3,330ish-added a few  things at the last minute (phew!)

A/N:

[Update: Tumblr couldn’t upload all my photos that I spent awhile choosing and placing, so I’m going to have to pare it down. Sorry bbs! I opted to cut my personal & merch photos in favor of the boys]

So I have one thousand and one things I should be working on-for school, for work, for my eventual job hunt. But instead I am going to write about last night’s experience while it was still fresh in my mind. I was thinking of doing a song-by-song play-by-play, but you can look up the setlist on Wikipedia, so instead I am going to talk about the things that jumped out at me. WARNING: This is essentially one giant spoiler, so I will try to put a “Read More” cut, though it’s been being weird for me lately. So scroll carefully if you’re going to a later date and don’t want to know. All photos taken on my (now ancient) iPhone 6, so I tried to choose the best ones). Will edit as I see typos I made.

I’m a little nervous since I usually write fiction instead of sharing my personal experience. Anyway, full disclosure that this is just my perspective, and I’m (always) happy to discuss things (civilly) if you disagree with me.  <3  Photos and opinions are mine.- please don’t re-post anywhere else.

The Background/ Pulling a Namjoon and Leaving my Ticket at Home

Even though I was going to the Saturday show, I flew into LaGuardia using frequent flyer miles on Friday morning. I was staying with a friend in Queens, so I went straight to her apartment. I’m a grad student as most of you probably know at this point, so I spent most of Friday working on a paper that was due. I had two friends I met at last year’s concert going to the Friday concert, and they went for merch promptly at 9, but I had just arrived and had a deadline to meet for school.  Around 4:30PM, I decided that I was done for the day and opened Ticketmaster to print my ticket for the next day’s show. When I logged in, I saw the notice that the ticket had been mailed to me. I remembered having seen that when I bought the ticket in May, but in my defense I was jet-lagged and ill on that day. Furthermore, I moved to and from NYC in that time for a summer internship, and SO MUCH HAD HAPPENED. The tickets had been mailed while I was living here and I had never seen them, so somehow it slipped my mind. Obviously I lived too far away, but I didn’t know if I could express overnight them, but I think when I called Ticketmaster, the old ones were deactivated when the guy tried to send me the link.

Anyway, print at home was not an option, so I called Ticketmaster and in a panic explained my situation. They said it happened all the time and offered to send me a link. Luckily I kept the rep on the line, because it turned out that even they couldn’t email a link because of the anti-scalpers/fraud/whatever.

Then the rep said that I could show the credit card, but I had literally cut it up the week prior since the Vendor (e.g. the store that the card was through) had switched their card to a different bank (e.g. Visa to Mastercard), so I seemed shady af, even though I was telling the truth. He said as long as I had a login to a statement showing the transaction (I didn’t, since they had opted to close the account at an institutional level).  So I called my mom frantically, and luckily she is the hyper-organized type who keeps paper copies of everything and sent them to me. Seriously, Mom for the win!  I run to this print shop as it’s closing and print everything out.  I had the Ticketmaster receipt & order #, and two photo ID’s confirming my address. The guy said it should be fine, but I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. This was my one birthday gift and something I had been looking forward to for months. Anyway, my friend and I went out to a local bar near the Halsey (yes, the singer took her name from the station) stop on the L line, and I was super anti-social because I was so upset. I also burst a blood vessel in my eye  (it will heal, no worries) because of too much birthday partying the prior weekend, so I’m sure I was a (sour) sight to behold.

I slept poorly for obvious reasons, and left the apartment around 7AM, and arrived to Prudential center around 8:30ish. There were only a few people outside of will call, but the GA line was already wrapped around the building. I made small talk with people outside of the box office, and one woman told me she had gotten soundcheck both days. Seriously, what kind of karma do I need for that to happen to me? She and her friends had been camping out since Thursday, and they were SUPER organized: while she waited in line, one was at merch, and someone else was holding their GA site. I almost wondered if they were a fansite or something. ARMY are a truly organized bunch (except for me, clearly).

Anyway, after another half hour of pure anxiety, they opened up will call and I was panicking, but they were really helpful and gave me my ticket after I verified the order number, showed my id and confirmed some other personal data. I decided then and there that nothing else mattered and I was just happy to be there and be in.

Waiting in line/Logistics/Staff

I left the box office, and got into the GA line. It was probably around 9:15, and the line had already doubled-back on itself all the way around the building. The woman from earlier told me that her friend had got #1000 and was only 3 rows back, so I still had some hope. Basically, you line up to get your spot in line- though it’s kinda dumb that you have to line up twice, it makes security go faster and guarantees that there isn’t a huge surge/stronger people cutting  in line later.

I wore what I thought were my most comfortable shoes, but after standing on concrete for hours, I don’t think it makes a difference. People were so friendly though-  I never once felt awkward even though I was by myself. The same was true last year- the friends who had gone up for merch on Friday I met while in line at last years’ Wings concert. I chatted with people around me, drank the two bottles of water I had, and looked at my phone. Bring an umbrella for shade and sunscreen though-I didn’t and am rocking a nice farmers burn/tan today.  It wasn’t humid though, and it wasn’t raining, so it could have been so much worse.

Even though there were tons of people, everyone was well-behaved. I didn’t see any altercations, though as the day went on the staff seemed a bit overwhelmed with crowd control.  I didn’t see too many people selling unofficial merch like last year, though I did buy a few necklaces (Joon and Chim, ofc).

After 3.5 hours, I finally got my wristband. They told us to be back by 2pm to line up for real, as they were going to try to open the doors at 3 instead of 3:30 (didn’t end up happening).

Merch

I then ran to merch, but there wasn’t much left. The fans/pickets were selling out as I got in line, and people were basically yelling “NOOOOOOOO” everytime the staff put up a “SOLD OUT” sticker. I bought what I could that was left, including a bracelet, which I’m actually in love with, the eco-tote (super overpriced tbh, $50 for a canvas bag), but the shopper bags were gone and I needed something to carry the box and batteries V3 ARMY Bomb I bought. I had one from last year that I also forgot, but I think the new version was cool because they are synced up with the music so you can change colors and patterns along with everyone else. Overall, it’s EXPEN$$$$IVE, but if anyone’s worth it, it’s Bangtan.

Newark

I was getting super tired after this, so I kinda passed on the photo studio table, big poster, and UNICEF stuff. I tried to go to Starbucks, but even though it was the middle of the day, I didn’t feel that safe, even though it was like 11:45 in the middle of the day. I’m a 27 year old who’s lived in Latin America (which is generally stereotyped for violence), solo traveled around the world, and I’m from the Rust Belt (aka home of true urban decay), but that part of Newark sketched me the heck out. Probably it would have been fine, but I opted for caution, and went to a Dunkin Donuts and empanada place right around the corner. The timing was actually good since we had to get back pretty quickly to line back up.

The second line was where the staff struggled, telling people to back up and get in order, but it seemed like staff were doing different things. Plus, if they wanted people to back up, they should have created room at the back first, before telling the front to basically “back that ass up” on the people behind them.

GA vs. Seated

I can say this- if you are short, you probably want a seat. Or if you have any kind of knee, back, or joint problems- I stood for approximately 14 straight hours on concrete yesterday. I am just under 5”5” but I was probably one of the taller people in the crowd, so I had a pretty good view. Even though they asked people to not take videos or record, you WILL be looking through a sea of cell phones. I could see pretty well, but sometimes when they were on the main stage I had a hard time seeing around other people’s arms.

Last time I had P2 seated, and the view was wonderful. I went to the bathroom, charged my phone, and ate nachos (lol), so it was generally a more chill experience. I was still super close but up a little higher and could see absolutely everything. But last night I was SO close I could see Joon’s dimples irl, and got splashed by both Jungkook and J-Hope when they threw the water bottles.  Probably 100 people think this, but I’m also pretty sure Yoongi  (and maybeeee Jimin) saw me jumping and singing along like crazy since I was one of the taller people. At the very least, Yoongi keep looking in the general direction I was in. Ofc I looked gross af with my messed up eye and crazy hair, but what I loved about the concert is that I was 100% able to forget all the insecurities I carry around with me on a day to day basis and have an AMAZING time.

Of course the whole place is crazy high energy, but I feel like last night was INSANELY high. I’m not sure if it was the overall vibe or if that was the GA influencing my opinion.  It just depends on what kind of experience you want to have. Also, if you are claustrophobic, you should probably pass on GA. The guards kept forcing people to back up, at one point even coming in with a flashlight, and people would surge forward whenever a member came close. But someone said the night before was chill, so maybe it’s just luck of the draw.

The Show

The show was absolutely amazing. They opened with IDOL, which got people hyped from the get-go. Their dancing was ON POINT as always. People were chanting during the intro videos and chatting as it filled in, so it was a great vibe once again- just super happy feeling. The audio visual part was AMAZING, though I’m no pro, and I loved all of the concert outfits, especially Jimin’s super sparkly sweater. Lots of jumping, and lots of screams. I didn’t have earplugs and was fine, but if you’re sensitive to loud sounds I definitely recommend them. ISTG I remembered hearing a mashup of FIRE, but maybe not? Wikipedia seems to think not. But they played a few older ones too, which made me so soft and nostalgic.

More on the members during the concert

Kim Namjoon

Ok, this is so so so biased, let me start with that. If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you know how much I love this man. Seeing him smiling and happy was amazing. And they had a professional translator for this concert, so I felt like Joon was able to relax a little and enjoy himself instead of worrying about translating for everyone else.  He is just as tall and proportional as everyone says he is.  Everyone talks about how soft he is these days (and I love it), but he has undeniable charisma when he raps. Plus him in sunglasses, ddaeng. Seeing him so close was akin to something spiritual for me (I SAW THE DIMPLES WITH MY OWN EYES), as were people shouting along with him to “Love.” At the end, he commented how we were all sharing the same air, and hearing him think the way (I know at least some of ) us think was so heartwarming.  

Also during some of the videos, there were some NOT AT ALL subtle Minjoon moments.  

Kim Seokjin

The crowd last night ADORED Jin and gave him all the attention he deserves to have all the time. People were chanting his name SO LOUDLY during instrumental breaks in Epiphany. His voice was phenomenal, particularly the high notes. it’s clear how hard he’s worked to make it sound so effortless.  I noticed that people weren’t moving as much during some of his notes and I can only think it’s because we were literally transfixed. It’s well established, but I don’t think this man has any bad angles. Even in the still pictures I took while dancing, he DOESN’T look awkward in any of them. #impossible.

Min Yoongi

Suga was clearly happy about something last night- he was SO cute and happy. Other ARMY on the train back to the city agreed with me. His rapping was fire (duh), but he was really smiley and took out his earpiece a number of times to hear us screaming. “Seesaw” starts with him laying on a couch and I can think of no better way to capture his true soul (lol). He was extra attentive to fans, and  I feel like what Tae mentioned in Burn the Stage, he was trying to memorize ARMY’s faces and live in the moment. I felt bad because there were clearly parts where he wanted us to sing along, but we couldn’t necessarily keep up with his tongue technology :P  But people definitely tried their best.  

Jung Hoseok

Idk what I can say here that’s new. J-Hope is one of the most charismatic members on the stage. And there’s something in the American air that turns him into Jay Hope. Seriously, he’s hard to move your eyes away from. “Just Dance” was the first solo track if I remember correctly and he did not disappoint. His glasses at the end were adorable, and one of the other members called him a “happy grandfather” or something like that.  Seriously, if you’re still sleeping on Hobi, we can’t be friends.  

Park Jimin

Jimin was ethereal as always, and the choreography for Serendipity was…..salacious, to say the least. Like if you thought the “Take Me Down” cover from last year’s Festa was too much, then idk what to tell you. Bring holy water or something. Despite  the free water that fans were providing to others (ARMY are seriously the best) there was a different kind of thirst occurring, if you smell what I’m stepping in. Jimin is pure charisma, like J-Hope. Obviously their styles are totally different, but when they move, you stop whatever you’re doing and watch. Again, I didn’t even see many ARMY bombs moving during Serendipity- I think we were too entranced. I personally thought that he killed his vocals and did great, but he seemed a little tired or like he was working hard at it. Jimin was also the one (at least that I saw from my angle) that got the closest to the fans, crouching down and leaning over the teleprompters/fans/lights/ whatever the black boxes were at the edge of the stage.

Similar to Tae and Yoongi, I saw him looking at fans A LOT during the show. He was exactly how he seems in V Lives and cameras, and I’m fairly certain I would spontaneously combust if I ever ran into him irl (even if I didn’t know who he was)- he just radiates warmth and friendliness. Seriously, if I believed in magic, I feel like he would be able to influence people’s emotions.

Kim Taehyung

So many fic writers have this ultra primal (for lack of a better word?) for Tae, but all I see is a cute sweetheart. Obviously I’ve never seen someone create as much tension with their own arm as he does during Singularity, but when he’s not dancing, I just got a super innocent, cutesy vibe from him. His voice was so smooth last night. I mean, I knew, but now I KNOW.  He actually was shooting hearts at one fan (how lucky they are), and pretended to fall down when they shot him back! They were further back in P2 as well so he really does work hard at paying attention to everyone. He actually called over another member (maybe Yoongi or Jimin? I was too busy trying to remember how to breathe, to see whatever he was seeing).

At the end he whipped a heart out of his beanie (how I pray to god someone got that moment on camera) a la Jin. He just seemed really comfortable in his own skin last night, and I was so grateful for it.  

Jeon Jungkook

I had a hard time seeing most of his Euphoria performance as it was relatively early on and people were taking a shit ton of videos. He also stayed mostly on the main stage, rather than come out to the extension area near where I was. His abs are just as great in person, and the screams were (as is to be expected), absolutely deafening. They’ve talked about it in shows, but his voice is  SO stable. Obviously they stopped at times and don’t use too much backing vocals, but it sounded EXACTLY how it does on the album. He threw something into the crowd  (I think a banner) at the end, and it FLEW so far-back to P2 or further. They’re not kidding when they talk about how strong he is.  

Final thoughts

At first, I was a little exhausted after my emotional trauma of the prior day, and from standing for so long but the minute it started I forgot everything else. I was salty when I couldn’t see that much bc of people recording (esp when they asked us not to), but I understand the specialness of the moment and wanting to have some tangible evidence that you were there. By the time the concert was over, I realized how special GA was, even if it’s more difficult logistically (since I went solo and didn’t have parents or friends to stand in). I still don’t know if it’s hit me that I was like 10 feet away from them, max. It reaffirmed how important they are to me. I didn’t write this to brag, but to hopefully share my perspective and let others live vicariously through my experience. If you want clarification or anything else, write to me!  

[pparkchimin]

I ’m making a tutorial for @victuuri-moonandsun on how I downloaded the YOI episodes and how to make a basic gif. I decided just to make a tutorial for everyone else who wants to learn? I’m like hella basic at making gifs so ill be providing resources in hopes it will help! 

The tutorial includes:

How to download

Capturing Method: VLC vs KMPlayer

Importing + Making the gif (Timing, Cropping, Sharpening, Saving)

Ill teach u how to go from:

to this:

+ A shit ton of screencaps to make up for the fact i’m bad at explanation. ++ what is grammar n spelling? +++ cursing a lot of it

its like legit 3 am and this tutorial is so bad good luck

You will need:

Vuze

Photoshop (I use CS6)

VLC Player or KMPlayer (I will later discuss the difference usage of these programs)

I. Downloading

Sup yo! Okay let’s start with downloading the actual episodes! I usually use torrents when i’m downloading the episodes. This is what Vuze is for. Like most things u wanna be careful when you download shit off the internet but idgaf i’ve been downloading shit off the interwebs for a while. 

So you wanna either google “yuri on ice 1080p torrent”, but im gonna use HorribleSubs for my example. You wanna make sure you download the 1080p version of the episodes so you can have the clearest/more HQ gifs.

If you’re using the horriblesubs site then you wanna click on “1080p” for whatever episode you want and right click the magnet link.

Yay! Now we gonna wanna open Vuze. First you gonna want to click the “add” folder > Add Magnet > Paste URL > Then hit okay.

Okay. So once you hit ok this should pop up:

Then hit ok again! You can also change where you wanna save it at this stage too. Okay now your file is downloading and now we wait! The more seeds the faster the download. 

Once the file is done downloading we can move on to actually capturing for gif making.  

II. Capturing:

OKay. SO I personally use the VLC capturing way because it’s easier for me. With VLC you;re basically recording the scene you want so you can import it into Photoshop. With the KMPlayer you’re taking a shit ton of sceencaps and you’re importing each image into Photoshop. I used both methods and they both get the job done. The only time i use KMPlayer is when VLC is acting wonky. Ill show the VLC method first then the KMPlayer (cringes).

Yay VLC. My fav bby right here. OKay So you’re gonna wanna open that shit up. Okay, so the first thing you wanna do when you open the program is go to view > advance controls. This gives you the option to record!

Hell yeah bro now we in business. Okay you’re gonna wanna open the episode you wanna be gif-ing. Since I showed how to download episode 12 i’m just gonna use episode 12 for this too cause fuck it man. You’re gonna wanna decide what scene you’re gonna want to make a gif of. I think for the purpose of the tutorial i’m just gonna do the scene where yurio finishes his program and creys cause hella yeha bro.

okay so for myself, i tend to start recording couple seconds (like 5-10 *my computer is really wonky ) before the actual scene because I want to make sure I record the whole scene without cutting anything out.

You also notice that the record button is red now. So you’re basically just gonna click it once and let it record until you want it to stop!

Where i began to record (actual a couple secs before becuz i forgot to screencap):

Where I ended:

***note: Notice how the record button changes while you’re recording vs not recording! (i’ve done the dumb thing where i forgot to stop recording and watched the rest of the episode .-. )

Now that short clip will be saved. my video was saved in my video file im sure you can change where you want it saved but idk how. This is where it is saved on my computer. Probably can search “vlc” on your computer if it is absolutely lost (sorry I can’t help much in finding the file).

Basically after this step you’re done deezy. You can skip the KMPlayer and go directly to the gif making portion of this shit tutorial.

OKAY FOLKS HERE’S THE KMPLAYER TUTORIAL ON HOW TO DO GIFS HAHAHAhahaha *sobbing*

I need to explain this program a bit more. So unlike VLC you’re not recording or anything like that. This captures screencaps into jpg or png files. When you do the VLC method, photoshop will make the screencaps for u. This method you’re gonna have to load the each photo (This usually takes photoshop longer to load for me, but than again my computer is old as shit so it may not matter to you).

OKay u gonna wanna open that satan spawn and open the episode u wanna do. Again here im gonna do the same scene cause yeah. Basically just go to the scene you want. 

Okay here the annoying shit happens. SO unlike VLC for me, I don’t have to a big gap of recording time. I can get closer to the actual scene and want and start capturing (ctrl+G).

When you hit ctrl+G, this window pops up and this where all the settings happen. 1. You decided where you all the pictures will be saved! 2. You can pic the image quality. I go for JPG because my computer just cant handle doing png. If you’re computer can do the png go for it. 3.) Seconds refers to how long you want the program to capture for. I just put 5 seconds to make sure i get the whole scene. You also want the images to be in the original size. 4.) I WILL DISCUSS THE TIMING THING MORE INDEPTH LATER, but for the time being i’ll do every 1 frame. 

When you click start on the small window your video has to be playing to actually capture. I just hit start and hhit play cuz fuck it.

When the program finish capturing this will pop up in the corner. *note: I ended up doing 10 seconds because my computer hates me. So there’s a lot more caps than i needed. this is what you end up with!

A shit ton of fucking photos! YOU READy TO GO TO PHOTOSHOP.

III. IMPORTING-VLC

*if you need help downloading photoshop send me an ask and ill try my best to help you. I downloaded ps cs6 a long time ago and the link i used to download it doesn't exist anymore. 

THis step is gonna be different depending on what method you used for the capturing. I’m going to begin with the VLC method. So you’re gonna wanna go to file > importing > video frame to layers.

Find the clip file and hit open. a window will open and now you can select what part of the video you want to actually gif! the two point thingies on the bottom are adjustable. FOr example maybe you recorded too much in the beginning? drag the 1st arrow thing to where you want the gif to start. Same with if you recorded to much at the tale end of the video. You can adjust the right one.

Make sure to have frame animation box is check.

And now we’re at the frames part.This is where I feel conflicted and you will see why when I get to the timing part of the video. (I use to make a lot of gifs for real action tv shows and this is the first anime I ever edited and I just feel like i haven’t found the best timing yet?). For this screencape i left the limit box and just do every frame.

So my video was too long at the end and decided to cut that unwanted shit out. (you can hit the play button just to make sure you’re happy with what you got. Hit ok when u done deezy

THEN BOOM THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. THAT BOOTIFUL ASS YURIO’S FACE HELL yeAH. Okay. So on the right hand side you have all your layers. but we missing the timeline bro. SO you go to window> timeline

DAMN LOOK AT YOU YOU’RE READY TO MAKE A GIF. You can skip ahead and learn about timing. Keep reading for the KMPLAYER way.

III. IMPORTING- KMPLAYER

oKAY. You’re gonna wanna go to file> scripts > load files to stacks

A window will pop up and basically you’re gonna select all the screencaps you want for the gif and hit okay.

This shit takes my compouter f o r e v e r (compared to the VLC method.) to load and even longer afterwards when it’s being uploaded as layers. This method took my computer to load the files 3 minutes compared to the 5 seconds the VLC method took me. Like i’ve mentioned before it might just be my ancient ass computer’s fault. But this it what it looks like when it’s done loading

Okay you;re gonna wanna do the same step as VLC to create the timeline (Window>timeline).

But because this was loaded in differently the the stacks will not automatically have frames. You’re gonna want to click create timeline and you will notice you have one frame only.

So on the top right corner of the timeline you will have the option to make the layers into frames.

Now you maybe noticed that the frames are fucking backwards son like wtf man. a simple fix to that! in the list of options where you made the frames from layers, you can reverse the frames.

NOW YOU’RE DONE DEEZY. WE CAN MOVE ONE.

IV. TIMING 

OKay this gets really iffy for me. I’ll just basically show you the times I use and what it may look if you capture every frame of you choose to do every 2 times (anything else isn’t recommended). In this section it’s what I use and probably not the best, but you can play around with photoshop and you can do whatever the fuck you want yo!

Anyways as you can imagine if you decide to do every frame youre gonna get a shit ton of layers(i’m gonna be working with the vlc method from this point on. any kmplayer question can be sent my way!). But it may look smoother! *will make a note on this*. Downside, the file is prob gonna be WAY bigger.

For ex: Every frame. 103 FRAMES FUCK MAN.

Every 2 frames: 53 frames

So it’s basically about half cuz u know math

OKay. so when i do gifs I usually set the time to “0.06″ but I put “0.07  for every 2 frames. To change the timing make sure you have all the frames selected (click the first frame then go to the last frame and Shift+click it). Now that all the frames are highlighted you want to hit the down arrow and click other. This is where you set the time and hit okay.

every frame @ 0.06  (No cropping/no coloring/no sharpening)

every 2 frames @ 0.07

So it’s really personal preference. I just have it so ingrained to do every frame at 0.06 since i started making gifs years ago, but i feel like the every 2 frames at 0.07 looks smoother for anime? Really guys experiment and see what you like better!

V. CROPPING

Yay lets get to cropping! These are the current dimensions for tumblr

one picture/gif: 540px width two pictures/gifs: 268px three pictures/gifs: 177px, 178px (middle), 177px spaces: 4px

-itsphotoshop

I always crop my gifs. I just think they look nicer when they’re crop.To start cropping you either wanna hit “C” on your keyboard or clip the crop tool. Afterwards you can put a value of the dimensions (i tend to do 268x165 or 268x170 when I to he gifset with 8 different gifs). Now you can drag the box over the gif to position it where exactly you want the focus to be. You either double click the box or hit enter when you wanna crop.

You might not want to have it dead center. so yeah this what it looks like if you just dragged it:

Damn yurio is looking good dead in center, but you noticed the 2nd half yurio isn’t in the middle no more. When you’re cropping you wanna keep this in mind. (you can always make two separate gif to have it all centered but i can make a dif tutorial for that).

This what it looks like if i decided to keep the cropping in the center:

Overall both scenes are more centered.

BUT WHAT IFF YOU JUST WANNA ZOOM IN ONTO YURIO’S FACE?? i got chu bro. I’m goning to delete the 2nd half of the gif for the purpose of this example. So what you’re gonan want to do is drag a side of the square until you’re happy with what you want.

Here i just dragged the bottom. Since I have my measure inplace from before, no matter what side i drag it it’s always gonna be the same ratio of 268x170 so no need to worry !

Regular crop:

Crop to zoom in on the face:

THE MORE YOU KNOW ABOUT CROPPING :D!!!

OKay. Once you’re done cropping you’re gonna want to resize that!

I’m going back to the original gif with both scenes.

To resize an image you either can hol the CTRL+ALT+i or go to image>image size

a window will pop up and youll type in what size you wanted. Because i had the dimensions typed in while i was cropping it will basically do the ratio for u

the original size was 1702x1080. Once i typed 268, the program kept the ratio and changed the height. SORRY IM NOT EXPLAINING THIS WELL I REALLY DONT KNOW HOW. 

We went from this:

to this:

it’s not a HUGE change but there is a change!

VI. Coloring *bonus

I have no authority on color tbh It takes me to forever to color shit and i’m h o r r i b l e at it. so i aint gonna discuss this much but here what coloring can do for u!

original:

to this garbage:

I don’t really like it but i just did it quickly for the sake of this tutorial. If you wanted an idea of what I did

The best way I learned to color was from PSDs others made or just fucking around in PS. Here are some resources:

PSDs:  x x x Tutorials: x x

VII: Sharpening:

Oh man okay so i use an action for my gifs but the thing is i downloaded a long ass time ago. It may be this, but im not entirely sure. This hella easy yo!

so you wanna select all the layers:

then you wanna convert the frame animation to a timeline (make sure you changed the time you want the frames to be before you convert!)

You will notice the frames changed on the bottom. Now you wanna go to filter>convert to smart layer

Now you only have one layer!

With this one magic layer you can sharpen all your goddamn layers all at once.

If you don’t have the action you can do the basic sharpening. Okay now go back to the filter tab>Sharpen>smart sharpen. I have use this option in YEARS but i believe the kinda go too was this:

and hit okay!

Before sharpening:

After sharpening:

the lines are more defined in the 2nd gif, If you were able to download the action this is how you use it. 

GO to Windows> actions.

WHere the red circle you click, and find the option for load actions. Once you load it you wanna make sure you selected the smart layer and hit th eplay button and the action should sharpen it for u

BOOM. your gif is sharpen. So lts compare all three now.

No sharpening:

Smart sharpening only:

Action (Smart sharpening + blur)

I like the action th most because it’s not as intense as the smart sharpening only. WOW U FINISH A GIF CONGRATULATIONS NOW YOU WANNA SHOW THIS BABY TO THE WHOLE WORLD RIGHT? WELL IMMA SHOW U HOW,

VIII. SAVING THAT SON OF A BTICH

So basically you either hold alt+ctrl+shift+S or file>save as for web 

and a window aPPEARS. These are the settings i use to save:

BE CAUTIOUS OF THE SIZE OF THE GIFS: I BELIEVE THE MAX SIZE IS 2MB

this gif is under 1mb so im safe yo! Some tips if gif is too large is to add a selective layer>black> then +5-10 

another tip is to use optimize tool if yOU HAVE TO: go to the top right corner

now u done deezy

u save that shit

and cry 

send me an ask if you need shit cleared up.

[punkscowardschampions]

Edie & Diego

Edie: Aygo! I got a pitch, you buying? Diego: give me more to go on Edie: oh yea, you too young to know how it usually goes on casting couches, my bad lil homie Edie: you got any super 8 atm? Diego: Can get some Diego: a day or two? Edie: what u gotta clear ur schedule big man Edie: u on ur business boi respect Edie: well, i think we could do most of it in a day buuuuuuut i gotta secure a car to trash and i haven't convinced iggy he don't need that fuckin' hippie van so that'll be another day as and when, ye? Diego: I can give you that Diego: on your own with the car situ Edie: ye ye ye i won't get u in the shit Edie: what kinda big sister would i be?! Edie: but, similar vein, don't tell mum and dad where we shooting okay Edie: you'll be safe with me but they'd never sign off on it ya feel Diego: understood Diego: where we going? Edie: don't u like surprises? 😜 Diego: hard no Diego: get a car that goes so we can store the equipment before killing it I'd like that Edie: What about ones you can't hear, better or worse? cos I've got some fireworks that might be cool Edie: you don't like surprises but you wanna DIE Edie: boi i can't drive! Edie: I'll see if I can get someone to take us but if not, hitch ur wagon to my pushbike Edie: just like old times n'awwh Diego: I'll steer you do the pedals Diego: fireworks smell bad but I won't do fart jokes if you want the colours Edie: if we find a motor that runs Edie: know there's one that the O'Dwyer lads left under that dodgy underpass Edie: but I say we got only so long 'fore that's completely fucked/burned out Edie: time's a wasting boyo Diego: Can be ready day after tomorrow if you are Edie: not a cult classic but how you rate it? jake's usually a fittie but he's pretty dorky in that Diego: the special effects were bomb for the era Diego: I can give you the same commercial success with my skills Edie: dope 💎 Edie: i'll storyboard lowkey for u but i'm happy for it to be mostly in the moment real shit Edie: u can use editing magic after if ur so inclined lil dude Diego: send me the song Diego: I'll get a feel Edie: hoe u best hop on my soundcloud rn Edie: gimme them listens Edie: EDieM as you clearly forgot 😤 Edie: newest track on there Diego: I remembered how to sign it, giving you that promo to my friends, but yeah Diego: confusion Diego: you're you're name sign to me Edie: 🙌 ayo, jokes aside about being a musician with a load of deaf fans Edie: always amping that bass up so should be feeling it literal Diego: capitalise Diego: nobody else is Diego: take the silent disco concept and make it fresh Edie: 💸💸💸 Edie: i'm into it Edie: fuck the mainstream, making music for the kids at places like ur school n mine n all the other's who a lil fucked up Diego: Put that into your storyboard Edie: 😏 Edie: mightbebreakingintomyschool Edie: itseasyandriskfreedoneitbefore Edie: hey, d'ya reckon we could get our hands on some hearing aids and shit Edie: not about to suggest we break into your school, more to nick=not worth it Diego: Old people's home? Edie: yassss Edie: shame our grandparents are young as shit and we love 'em enough not to do it to 'em Edie: i'll give 'em a free performance, they'd LOVE that Diego: ma has my baby stuff kept cos she loves me real deeply Diego: won't be enough but its a start Edie: 🙄 lowkey a hoarder Edie: imma make billie n her go round all the antique shops, keep an eye out for those real old school ear trumpets Edie: that'd be sick Diego: my teacher has one of those! ill ask if we can borrow it Diego: he loves showing it around Edie: 👏 i've got a vision so hard now Edie: u can ask if any of ur friends wanna be in it but we'll have to do that 'round here Edie: look like pied piper paedo taking too many of yous away on a jolly Edie: esp. with a 🎥 in tow Edie: lord help me Diego: I'll do seamless cuts Diego: there's a girl that NEEDS to be in it Edie: I see how it is Edie: ur REAL muse Edie: better not be too cute, stealing my shine Edie: i'm the ⭐ remember Diego: Understood Diego: She's a good singer if you do need backup Diego: [Sends her soundcloud] Edie: oooooookuuurrr lil mama Edie: i see u Edie: if she's down then we can make it happen sure Edie: get you your boo thang 😍 Diego: I'll ask Diego: don't out me Edie: gon' get all shy? Edie: use your director swag Edie: just don't get #metoo wid it, Tarantino, alright? Diego: She's shy Diego: and with that voice Edie: or playing it Edie: best be chill then lil one Diego: You think she's faking coy? Edie: meh, might be too young to know how Edie: but that's what girls do Diego: do you? Edie: i'm not telling u all my signature moves! Edie: depends Edie: lots of lads don't like it if a girl is funnier, more mouthy and opinionated than they are, if that's what you're after, then sure Edie: some boys want that at the start, so they can 'tame' you and have that on their ego, so you end up pretending later Edie: but you'll get it as you grow Diego: Everyone's thinking too hard Diego: I just like her, she's nice and funny and talented Edie: you sweet sweet child Edie: don't ever grow up k Edie: once u hit 10, 11, you'll be a right dickhead Edie: always happens, the girls usually a bit before 'cos we're always ahead of yous Diego: Are not! Diego: and I'll be sick when I'm older you mean Edie: are so! Edie: we'll see Edie: not in my experience but prove me wrong Diego: I'll be the first Diego: Be ready Edie: 😂 believe it when i see it Edie: guess Junie isn't so bad but that's 'cos he's gay Edie: its different Diego: He's not? Edie: oh yeah shh Edie: keep that under your hat Edie: deal with that one later Diego: more importantly Diego: half the school want to be in this Diego: they're telling me Edie: ✋ hahaha yes brotha Edie: can do so much more with a full cast Edie: i'll make sure its fun, even if they can't come for the illegal bits Edie: love these kids, so hype 😂 Diego: im loving the song Diego: Feeling it Edie: forreal? Edie: u can be brutal, my ego can take it 😉 Diego: don't need Diego: it's bomb Edie: knew u was my fave Edie: feel free to rub it in w the others Diego: They'll state me a liar Diego: but you're on to something with these beats and you need to be told Edie: i got ya back Edie: i'll start bein a real cunt to 'em sharpish, like Edie: no room for doubt lmao Edie: gotta when u gassin' me up so hard Diego: ulterior motives Diego: can I use some of the footage for school Diego: If it turns out it's one less essay Edie: 'course you can Edie: its probably not all gon' be sfw, don't need the 'rents saying i got u in shit as prev. mentioned, but the salvageable shots, go for your life Diego: I'll do extra editing don't want you in the same trouble Diego: I'm trying to film what we do much as the whole fam'll stand it Diego: personal project Edie: Fair 'nuff, fill your boots Edie: I ain't camera shy Edie: And Rio and Gracie can't pretend they are either Edie: always pouting looking like braindead fish 😂 Diego: Got a mountain of footage of them already Diego: Only been doing a few days sly Diego: I want Billie's vibe but I can't catch her Diego: Iggy same Edie: Shoulda known 😂 Edie: yeah good luck with the rest, either too busy for the fam or moody lil fuckers Edie: take ya pick Edie: self included usually obvs but you know, wanna do this music thing proper so Edie: got 🍀 kid Diego: arrgh Diego: facts Diego: I'll keep at it Diego: maybe I'll strike it with them Edie: get gus to round 'em up Edie: hard to say no to Diego: Now that's an idea Diego: Bound to work Edie: i'd pay for that energy Edie: i do 😂 Diego: hahahah Diego: put a price on it Edie: if i could bottle what he has i'd be laughing Edie: don't give a shit what nobody thinks man, what a cool kid Diego: his piss bottles itself some of the time Diego: you're there Edie: ya nastys Edie: secured a ride Edie: ur equip is welcome Edie: but i gotta go now, favour fo' favour Diego: I'm in too then Diego: don't do anything I wouldn't Edie: 👌 Edie: like i said, don't grow up Edie: need that childlike wonder for my vision Edie: catch you on the flipside mofo Diego: not in my plans Diego: enjoy yours

[xottzot]

2017-11(NOV)-17th-afternoon (continued) -- and a long message to all, dear Fliss, and to dear Cath. (and later added to)

(This message has been edited and added onto and expanded by me on Saturday.)

2017-11(NOV)-17th-afternoon (continued) -- and a long message to all, dear Fliss, and to dear Cath.

There was one thing I forgot to mention in my last post......

There was two males, young men, aboriginals, (one very dark skinned),and they were walking along the footpaths carrying a bottle of strong alcohol each unopened that they had just obtained from the liqour store at the Koongamia shops.

They walked on the footpaths and when they got to the aboriginal criminal husehold (Fatguts ol' place that's been well-known by Police and everyone as a drug dealer place), one of them broke away whilst the other slowed right down and waited for him on the footpath a short distance away.

Classic drug buying behaviour that went on at this hellhole for over a decade, and Fliss certainly knows about that going on too because she witnessed it countless times.

He was only in there for 30 seconds or so, (again classic drug buying behaviour), and then he exited and rejoied the other dark skinned man, and the two of them walked off, crossed Clayton Street, and went onto Koongamia School property on the oval.

What became of them I have no idea. If they traversed the oval and went to other criminal places or whatever.

It matters not that the school was in session. None of these criminals ever cares or has ever cared about that, and least of all cares abut any of the child pupils.

Anyway, that was something that was witnessed at this hellhole. Somewhat minor but should not be forgotten.

---------------------------------

Fliss (Felicity Ann Carthew), was before I met physically her in a very terrible state, crying, sobbing, and was going to lose her job, AND be thrown out of her rented flat. She was extremely distressed and in 1999 & 2000 we had been talking over the phone and internet for quite some period of months before all this. We had fallen in love and we had gotten to know each others minds. Despite myself having no money whatsoever, I borrowed some money for my travel (which put me in debt) and I travelled right across the country of Australia which took many days by bus and gave me severe agony due to my medical back conditions and so on, which dear Fliss knew about since I had told her long ago and she accepted all that. - I went there to rescue her. I used ALL my money in the bank and thereafter to pay for any and all of dear Fliss's needs, bills and expenses including food. And we spent many several weeks together and I helped her intensely to deal with all her problems in life, even to getting her not drink alcohol anymore which she was very heavily drinking and had MANY bottles of empty bottles in her flat as 'trophies' and as an act of bravado to her friends in Queensland there. (it was strong alcohol) -- I'm stating all this in case people are too lazy to read through all my blog posts in my assorted blogs to know how much dear Fliss means so much to me and I to her but which her illnesses and medical ailments made life very difficult for us and which she got no real help from anyone about. All THAT I have been blamed for! -- It's all deeply upsetting to me to write all this message. -- I love you dear Fliss and want to be with you.

Dear Fliss herself decided to come and live with me in Western Australia, as she said to me, 'to escape my demons and all those people who claim to be my friends (but are not) and to escape from my parents'.

So dear Fliss and I went back to Western Australia and lived together for over 10 years. Having great times together, happy times, and anything I could do to make her life more bearable. But her ailments and conditions grew worse and worse. And she kept more and more from me and everyone else. She fell apart, lost every job she had, had a breakdown, and fled to her parents in Tamowrth, New South Wales, Australia. -- But dear Fliss and I still communicated! She admitted she had been so teribly bad but was getting better and would soon be back with me here in Western Australia. (that took months) But it made my heart and soul sing, and I told her that. But when she did come back she quickly returned to bad things and making terrible decisions and treating people VERY badly. And she stole money from me, and money that was ours, even money for food and for paying bills, and she kept it all quiet and hidden, using her credit cards to keep me from ever knowing about anything and covering it all up. (I STILL HAVE THOSE CREDIT CARD STATEMENTS OF HERS AS PROOF.)

And she was secretly in contact with her parents (at least her domineering mother) on the internet, and making plans to leave me here in this hellhole. Plans based on lies she created and which were encouraged and spread about by her parents.

Fliss had asked of me to see a 'counsellor' to 'see about my temper with her'. That was utterly ridiculous, some crazy stuff created to make me look bad in other peoples eyes. It was Fliss who was acting more and more crazy, taking more and more pills and potions, and was becoming more and more unhinged, manic, and literally becoming more crazy.

We often talked about it in private, and she admitted she was 'getting worse', and she quietly (literally whispered to me), "I'm not getting any better. I'm going to go crazy (insane) and die. I don't want to drag you down with me."

And of course I NEVER told anyone any of that at the time to protect dear Fliss. She insisted that.

Her visits to her own counsellor was getting to the point where she was going every week for months. And I was forbidden by her to go with her. But on two ocassions I insisted. But on the second time, I was made to feel terribly SO UNWELCOME by the counsellor and dear Fliss, that I vowed never to go with her ever again if I was treated like that. (I had been made to sit silent for an hour in a chair and listen to Fliss 'play' the councellor woman, and keep her so distracted from asking questions.) - Fliss later admitted this all to me that it was a 'normal' plan of hers to always never answer questions other than anything she herself had previously decided upon. (all that stemmed from her time LONG BEOFORE I had ever met dear Fliss and her terribly emotional treatments by the Australian Army and psychiatrists after she had been viciously physically asaulted by thugs on a train (and hospitalised?)). - I had taken a hand-written list of matters that I wanted the councellor to address and talk about with dear Fliss. Matters of great importance that anyone would ask and be glad to be answered. But the councellor/psychiatrist completely ignmored all my questions and just chatted to Fliss about TV shows and other inane rubbish. It was utterly bizarre, like a social chit-chat meeting bewteen the councellor/psychiatrist and dear Fliss to catch up on what had been happening with TV shows Fliss herself had been watching!

That afterwards lead to an argument between Fliss and myself and I had angrily said to her, "Why did you do all that!? - She's (the councellor/psychiatrist) is there to help YOU. All you did was have the two of you talk about stupid TV shows!" - And Fliss quietly replied to me, "You noticed that did you?", and Fliss laughed. She actually thought it was all a big joke. All she was doing was getting 'help' but ONLY on Fliss's own internal terms because as Fliss admitted to me, "I don't like anyone getting it my head." - THAT was because of all her terrible experiences of Army psychiatrist's or ones that were working for them when seeing Fliss (which had occured years and LONG before I ever met dear Fliss). - NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT ALL THAT.

Dear Cath of course had NEVER EVER known ANY of all this. And Cath was supposed to be one of if not the MOST DEAREST and closest friend that dear Fliss had in life. And yet, dear Cath knew only what Fliss wanted her to know about Fliss herself and nothing else was to be talked about. (Cath was severely shocked when I revealed all this to Cath.)

Fliss had a breakdown. And she fled to New South Wales, Australia, and therafter to Queensland and spent time with dear Cath. We were all in internet communications with each other. And I was given hope and reasurances all the time. And I accepted it all. -- And Fliss eventually returned to me here in Western Australia and I cried when we hugged we finally met each other. But Fliss was very strange and she refused to be emotional in any way. She actually said to me sometime later, "I refuse to cry." (even in joy?)

An afterwards Fliss settled down into all her routines and I was lead to believe by her that she had 'gotten better'. But what was actually happening was that Fliss was actually getting WORSE AND WORSE. She was also being harangued by Social Security. And her physical conditions became worse. And her financial situations became worse and VERY worse. Whenever I tried in any way to help her, she exploited it and stole money and kept it for herself to pay for secret medical apointments and doctors visits and medical pills and masses of them, and amongst all that she was stealing money from me to pay for all the normal domestic things I thought she was taking care of for us both. And when I say MY money, I do mean MY money that we used for us both. Fliss was almost destitute by now and was increasingly being threatened with DEMAND letters for things to be paid, chemists bills, doctors bills and so on. All this was building up like a volcano that was about to erupt, and it was all apparently was secretly being planned for by dear Fliss in advance or at least that is what I have been lead to believe judging from all the events and credit card paperwork bills of Fliss's I was able to obtain as proof. Even the records of the councellor/psychiatrist was forbidden for me to have access to. And indeed even the councellor/psychiatrist herself had retired and left the councellor/psychiatrist business that Fliss had frequented for so long in Midland. -- ALL THIS was planned for by dear Fliss as a means to cover up all evidence of herself. Had she been tutored on how to do all this? I have no idea. But I don't know what to believe now. I wish I was dead.

When late in 2015 dear Fliss one very late night went beserk, unhinged, deluded and violentally deranged attacking me, she then took off in darkness and abandoned me and walked kilometres to the Midland Police stating she had been attacked for 'no reason' by me. - Later they came and took me for a formal interview which was recorded, and I made them listen to SO MUCH because by saying only snippets would lead anyone to blindly and wrongly accept utter garbage and NOT truth. - Afterwards, they said that Fliss and I together should see a counsellor. And I exclaimed, "THAT'S the VERY thing I've been wanting and Fliss knows that!"

Fliss later returned to this house accompanied by Police and mysterious women 'helpers', who went inside this hovel of a house without my supervision AT ALL and ransacked it whilst I was forced to sit outside, as if I would go beserk or something. (can you see how Fliss's deranged hypotheses had been blindly accepted?) - And Fliss was quickly whisked away with black garbage bags full of stuff. Stuff that was also MINE and cannot be replaced. - I let Fliss leave because she was acting calm (very strangely calm and in control) and I assumed we would soon be back together once she had had treatment for her mental and medical conditions.

THAT NEVER HAPPEND.

But we were talking via mobile phone to each other, and she was in Western Australia in a hostel (full of thieves she told me), and was soon to catch a plane and go to New South Wales to be with her parents. She assured me she would get better and we could be back together again. And later in email she invited me to join her. But then ALL email and contact with dear Fliss suddenly stopped, her mobile phone was taken away for her and given to be in control of somebody else (a thug who later ordered me to commit suicide) and that thug professed to be in constant contact wih dear Fliss and was following what she wanted and for me to cease any any and all contact and attempts to contact with dear Fliss forever. -- ALL THAT lead to me having a breakdown though I have never had one in my life. It has severely destroyed me. And what of Fliss I have no idea despite Fliss herself insisting to me that we would ALWAYS stay in contact NO MATTER WHAT. She went out of her way to tell me that at the time.

And from dear Fliss there has been NOTHING. Not a whisper. Not a greeting card. Not a written letter. Not an email. And all her internet web existance has been cleaned away and erased.

There has been minor tiny hints and fragments on the intenet that dear Fliss is perhaps still alive but I truly have no idea at all. I do not know what state of being she is in. I do not know where she is living. (in Tamworth, New South Wales) or what she is doing or being 'trialled' doing.

A massive anount of Fliss's personal belongings and cherished things are still here. They are not worth anything monetarily, but to dear Fliss they mean a great deal. I WILL NOT SEND THEM TO ANYONE because NOBODY absolutely NOBODY has goven me ANY ASSURANCES whatsoever about ANYTHING. Least of all any contact to me from Fliss's parents in N.S.W., or dear Cath in QLD. - Absolutely NOTHING. - I may as well be dead.

All this to a person I love and have always loved so utterly and dearly when all others cast her aside and threw her to the wolves. And my life has become utter shit here in this hellhole. It is worse than any prison sentence. It is HELL.

----------------------------------------------

Poor Max is still VERY under the influence of being overdosed with sedatives which I was forced to give him to stop him continuing to be so vicious and attacking me the other day. It's only a temporary stop-gap measure and it's harmful to him. But his life is ebbing away as is mine. So is Sam's.

Poor Sam is VERY upset and has been crying and whining and having nightmares in his sleep A LOT. A lot of that, the majority of constant despair for both dogs dear Sam and dear Max is because dear Fliss has abandoned us here in hell and has not contacted me for what is two years now.

(note: dear Sam is whining and crying VERY loudly in his sleep behind me as I type this.)

Fliss could very well be DEAD for all I know. Or suffering incredibly andor bottled away somewhere and kept from the world as some sort of bizarre 'intervention' method of controlling her by her family in Tamorth, New South Wales, Australia.

I don't know what to think. I really don't. I'm purely guessing. That's all I have. No hope. No promises. no nothing.

If I had any money to travel to go to dear Fliss I surely would to be with her. But I have no ready money. And in any case there is NO destination for me to go to. No contact. No information. Only threats if I try. Or complete ignoring of me. The one person who loved and protected dear Fliss for well over 10 years together.

I do NOT trust ANYONE anymore. Not ANYONE. Nor will I ever trust anyone evermore. All my honest trust has been destroyed and thrown back into my face and had me ridiculed and theatened and demeaned and accused by those who do not even know me at all or have ever known me.

Others like dear Cath of Quuensland has abandoned all contact with me. And that truly has hurt me a great deal because I have great respect for dear Cath and her family in Queensland which Fliss and I stayed at several times both together and seperately and which dear Cath helped dear Fliss and I to get back together after Fliss's first terrible medical/mental episode. - Yet when dear Fliss suffered the same things AGAIN, dear Cath just abandoned me and has never allowed me to contact her ever again nor has she ever contacted me. Cath blamed me! Cath, I was never to blame for anything!

Dear Cath I believe at that time was also having her own medical & mental issues, and is still bravely dealing with all that. But she has cast me aside as if I am nothing and mean nothing and that I'm guilty for so much utter lies against me. There was been a great pile of bullshit thrown at me of the 'battered wife' kind that is absolute lies, and that seems to have been orchestrated to keep me away from dear Fliss and to never have any contact even email.

Cath leaps to supporting any cause she finds favour with, even momentary things, and gets involved with thigs too much sometimes. Perhaps she does that to divert herself from things she has to deal with, just as dear Fliss was oten doing. - And Cath too has long abandoned me since late 2015. So much for dear Cath and all her supporting for everyone she finds favour in doing so with. But I should not and do not blame you dear Cath. You have been struggling too with you own personal problems.

I'm stating all this down here for a record to the uncaring world and everything.

Fuck being alive.

Distracting myself from my own abject all-encompassing total misery of not being with dear Fliss by documenting the shit all around me at this hellhole is a poor substitute for the person I once was before dear Fliss left here and went to Tamworth in 2015. After which dear Fliss promised us that Fliss and I would be together and have a new life together there.

Please God let me die right now at this very moment), it is forever at me and has destroyed me so utterly and which there is no future without being with dear Fliss.

The world is going to shit. - This entire area here at this hellhole has gone to shit. There is nothing but hell ever worsening.

Poor dear Sam and dear Max are suffering greatly too. Fliss doesn't seem to care at all. - I have had not one iota of contact from her since late 2015. Fliss deeply loved Sam & Max and I. - Dear Fliss KNEW we and her were all under terrible lifes pressures, including monetary. But I was ALWAYS going above and beyond everything to make Fliss's life happy but we struggled so hard but alwasy had shit shoved upon us, especially upon dear Fliss as we scrimped and saved and did everthing ourselves to a great degree, and still suffered because if it all.

In one of Fliss's last private email messages to me, she said, "Rememeber the 12 month rule." - I replied that I had NO IDEA what she was talking about, and I still have no idea over 2 years later. At the time I thought to myself it was a message from Fliss of hope. But her messages then had been getting worse and worse and erractic and drunken, and showed me that she was terribly under the influence of drugs andor alcohol and stresses, the very things which had destroyed her here in Western Australia as she tried by herself forever in seceret to manage her escalating and growing mental and physical maladies and conditions and pain.

Our friend dear Cath of Queensland has her own problems. I expect that Cath mistakenly believes I caused dear Fliss all her problems, but that has NEVER EVER been the case Cath! YOU KNOW THAT.

I have NOBODY in my life except dear Fliss. And life is not at all worth living without being with dear Fliss. The one I love and took care of for so very long when NOBODY cared about her, and everyone ridiculed her, and everyone exploited her in any way they could. And everyone took advantage of Fliss's great honest emotional heart and her support and wants and needs to help others.

There is nobody like dear Fliss who has suffered a LOT of terrible tragedy to herself long before I ever met her but which she forever kept secret for me only telling me tiny snippets of her ordeals. - And I HAVE BEEN EVEN BEEN BLAMED because I do not know about any of her past ordeals! - How could I ever know? There was and continues to be no possible way for anyone to know other than her parents because dear Fliss covertly knew that situation and of Fliss's extreme covert secrecy, and Fliss exploited it. And I got the blame for all that too and have suffered because of it all!

So I will try soon to go to bed to sleep. Sleeps which I pray I never ever awake from ever again. And yet because I am in HELL and this is hell, I always wake up and I find I am alive. - I have been getting VERY few hours of terribly broken sleep each and every sleep period, and whatever I get is full of nightmares. That is the horror and sentence given me unto me until I am dead. It has been that way since late 2015 when dear Fliss left. - Whenever I have ever told anyone about that (VERY few), they refuse to believe me and think I am lying.

No proper sleep and no proper rest.

It is also what hell has been given unto dear Sam and dear Max.

Hugs to dear Cath who may or may not read entries I ever write in this blog of misery. I miss you. - If ever I vanish from existance forever, please know that I thought kindly of you, despite you casting me to the wolves and depair and hell. - I still would like to communicate with you however dear Cath.

I love you dear Fliss and have never ever stopped loving you and so very much want to be with you just as you promised yourself and myself.

P.S. Fliss, one of the last two chickens (of 5) of yours and mine looks to be on its way to be dying. If so, that will leave the one you found and brought home as a 'rescued chicken' when you were living here. It will be alone and it will suffer in loneliness and die. Just as I am. Just as poor Sam & poor Max are without you with us.

To the rest of the world....fuck you! -- And to everyone in the world, my advice from experience is never to love anything or anyone because NOBODY and NOTHING actually really cares about YOU. And NOTHING GETS BETTER. No wonder there is so many drug addicts about this hellhole area and suicides. - There is nothing but the nothing. I embrace the nothing and hope it takes me and my miserable shitty life. - Please dear God let it be so.

I love you dear Fliss and so want to be with YOU just as you promised. Are you still a person who keeps a promise,.....or......have you dear Fliss finally become all the terrible things that you forever have despised and which I protected you so much from and which you loved me for protecting you from your 'inner demons' as you always put it to me?

I was going through our things yesterday in the damned HEAT, and I came across all YOUR cherished personal items Fliss including your beloved Australian Army dog tags which yu always kept as your own memories of happier times in the Army. (not the bad memories of you being in the Army, such as the cockroaches in your bed). -- I have NOT sent them to you. - You are in an unknown place and I have had no contact with you and I certainly don't trust anyone to pass them on to you. If they were lost forever, I am sure I would get the blame no matter how innocent I am.

I love you dear Fliss and want to be with YOU just as you promised.

[saltypurpleduck]

Fuck you Facebook....

So not my normal topic but whatever. I have no where else that's safe to vent this stuff so why not.... Also quick edit to add this is apparently going to be a LONG post. Just a heads up sooo... Guess it's story time.... Another edit. I tried to make sure I tagged enough to keep anyone from seeing this who might be hurt by it so some warning. I talk about my mental illness and some low points, and also I talk about pregnacy loss. So it gets heavy and I talk about these things with a frankness that can seem cold and be off putting so fair warning.

Facebook's suggested post algorithm thingy has decided that I'm pregnant. It decides weird shit all the time, and actually gets things scary accurate at times, but this time is VERY wrong. I'm sure it has to do with my recent search history on micro-premies, my obsessive clicking through baby clothes sites, and the fact that I am in the major minority amongst my Facebook mommy friends who only has one child.... Anyway Facebooks creepy ass fortune teller thing is very wrong this time, and this time it hurts.

The idea of having another child is polarizing for me. On one hand I have baby fever like a mother fucker, on the other hand another pregnancy scares the shit piss out of me.

I am fortunate in that I have never experianced a lost pregnacy. Okay... You know what that's a lie. I had a chemical pregnacy durring my first marriage. Literally no one knows but me and now the internet. I only even knew I was pregnant because I went to an appointment to get birth control. Like always they made me take a test, it came back positive so no birth control for me, they did another test to double check because I had JUST had my period two weeks prior, then a blood test... Yep I was pregnant. Like two weeks later, maybe three I lost time a lot back then, got cramps for the first time in my life and had some spotting. Called the doctor, they sugested going to the ER, by the time I'm seen full on bleeding. Sure enough the pregnacy is a no go. I just want to say my "meh" attidude about it is my way of dealing with it. I was in an abusive relationship at the time, I never got the chance to tell him before the pregnacy ended, and honestly a child would have been the worse thing to happen in that situation. Also I had the BEST doctor at the ER, he was very kind and took care to explain that there was nothing I could do or did do. Honestly with the way my periods are I would have mever known had I not had my birth control appointment that month. I'm late and flat out miss periods ALL the time. The cramping was the only diffence between losing that pregnacy and a period that I would have noticed had I not taken that required pregnacy test. I was very sad when it first happened but I was sad a lot in that time. The fact that I was pretty educated in the pregnacy departmemt helped a lot. I knew what chemical pregnacies were, and I knew that it most likely meant that for whatever reason the pregnacy just wasn't viable. You probably noticed I don't use the word "baby" here for this. At this time in my life my head was not well. Honestly durring those couple of weeks I knew I was pregnant I often forgot I was. I never got to the point of thinking of my pregnacy as a "baby" growing inside me. So my mind did the only sane thing it ever did durring that time in my life, it never registrated that pregnacy as a baby, so I never felt like I lost a child. It helped me move on and not spirl even fasted into the depression that had been taking over me. Maybe losing that pregnacy was some sort of devine intervention. I will never know. I'm feeling a lot of things talking about it. I literally never spoke or wrote about it passed the ER visit. Not even in my jornals, or with a therapist. No one knew. He never knew, my family and friends never knew, I never even told the doctor when I was pregnant with my daughter and they asked. Honestly I didn't even view it as hiding it or lying about it. I forget it happened all the time. Strange. Anyway..... Beyond that point back to Facebook fucking off....

I have the worse baby fever and basically always have. I'm one of those girls that would have been thrilled to get knocked up at fifteen, but I was also smart enough to know better and too emotionally wrecked to get laid to begin with.

Also I'm terrifide of being pregnant. Losing a child is my worse fear. I've had noghtmares about miscarriages simce I got my first period. Always made all those "greatest fear" questions from teachers and stuff real dark real quick. Brad doesn't like hieghts, Cindy hates spiders, Jamie has nightmares about miscarriage. (Also if I'm being too frank or discriptive at all durring this I'm sorry if I have hurt anyone with it. I'm trying my best to not get detailed and have rewritten a lot of this to edit out my normal harshness. I cope with stuff in a strange way, and I want to put my story out there but not in a way that might hurt someone who has ever delt with any of this.)

Basically every woman in my family on both sides has had issues of some kind. Fertility issues, miscariages, infant loss, premature birth.... All of it. Some of them everything on the list, most of them at least one pregnacy loss.

Many of us have sufferd postpartum depression. Myself included. This is where my biggest fear in getting pregant again comes from.

I was sick, and I mean SICK, throughout my entire pregnacy. I couldn't hold water down half the time, medications were given that were no help, I had so many bladder infections from being dehydrated. I also was just plan sick. Constantly with a head cold or upper respiratory infection. Then at about thirty weeks the Braxton Hicks set in. OH MY GOD. I spent HOURS hook up to that stupid monitoring belt because they were just SO sure I was going into labor. So I was pretty down before she got here, and depression has been a part of my life since I was a child. The odds were against me.

Sure enough after she was born I nose dived, further into my depression than I have ever gone before. Now don't get me wrong, I loved and still love my daughter. I took VERY good care of her. Constantly paranoia that someone is going to take your child from you does that. I spent hours a day researching to make sure I was doing everything right and that ahe had the safest baby things on the market. We were at the pediatrician's office with even the tinest sign something was wrong, this actually paid off a time or two so I'm not mad. However.... I did NOTHING for myself. I would go days without eating properly. Then the breast milk dried up (wonder why?) and I found myself crying and in hystarics in the formula aisle because I had failedy daughter by giving her "fake" milk. Every knock at the door sent me into sheer panics, and after a year of this I began to talk openly about killing myself so that her father could find her a "better" mommy.

Natrually this lead to what was propably the best and worse thing ever. A hospital stay. FUCK that hospital, sorry "behavioral clinic" I was so doped up I couldn't make sentances.y one and ONLY therapy one on one was my out paitent "safety plan" where they give you a list about removing knives and rooe from your house. I CAN NOT make this shit up. After my ONLY visit with a doctor at check in where I was misdiagnosed (badly I might add) and doped up the doctor put me on the standard lock down for suicide, which meant I couldn't leave our little ward/wing/area thing. This meant I couldn't go for group therapy, go to the cafitria, get visitors, or go for daily outside exercise time. So I ate in front of the nurses in the tv area with the dude they always stripped his clothes off and the guy they could barely feed himself. I watched a lot of TV, and colored. The order os normally for twenty four hours to make sure you're stable. The doctor forgot about me. She never lifted the order. I was too doped up to notice. A very nice guy who was in with me noticed. He and the group lady and a wonderful nurse brought it up to the paitent aviocate. After five days I was finally off lock down. I was there for ten. A saving grace was the group lady. After two days she took me to group anyway, and often let us have it in the court yard since we weren't getting are rightful outside time. My favorite nurse let me have visitation. Those two things saved me in those first five days. I felt so guilty when I left. So many people I had come to know who had been so kind to me were stuck there, for lord knows how long.

I found a silver lining though. I ended up with a great therapist after that. My psychiatrists were shit and to this day I still don't think I have ever been properly diagnosed or medicated, but my therapist was great. I saw her the other day and ahe remembered me and took tweenty minutes out of her day to ask how I've been and remembered things about my life. I haven't been able to see her in almost two years.

So now I sit and woder. What if it happens again? What if this time it's worse? What will that do to my daughter? How do I handle that, a newborn, and a small child?

So anyway the whole point of this was SUPPOSED to be....

Fuck you Facebook guessing thing. Yeah I want more kids, but I might not get to have them, and fuck you for reminding me about all of the things I hold guilt for. So rant done. It wasn't meant to be this long but I guess I needed to ramble.

[theravenclawmonster]

I thought getting diagnosed would be able to get me help...(post 1 of dunno how many)

Trigger warning: This post (and the later continuation posts after it titled the same) may contain mentions of abuse, mental illness, suicidal thoughts and many more things which i will try to edit in it after writing the post(s) (hopefully i’ll remember to)

Disclaimer: this is just a written account of events that happened in my life in the past few weeks and my emotional/ physical response to those events. I am writing this here so that it stays here as help for people to read and maybe see what certain things feel like, and as proof or diary for when i forget what really happened and start to believe her words. Also, this is going to be a long post... a very long post.

So, i thought getting diagnosed would maybe help me... A couple of weeks ago, i realized that my heart has been beating a bit faster than what i remembered it used to and my blood pressure would get low. Of course like every other pain or issue ever, i tried to first ignore it and act it out (trying to look fine) but you see, with low BP i really couldn’t act okay. My brain would go numb, i would feel like my brain was pushing me (the consciousness or me in my brain) towards the top of my forehead forcing me into my skull from inside; everything else felt numb. I couldn’t really speak or even think, all words were slurred if i tried my hardest. My body moved very slowly, i couldn’t even raise a finger in the normal speed (even in front of my parents, in front of who i never ever show if i am in pain or ill. but until then i had hid it pretty well by going to my room or just not letting them see me that much). By this time i didn’t know what was happening and episodes like this continued for 3 or 4 days, until one day i remembered that i should check my blood pressure as my heart feels like drowning (it was around 90 and 65 and pulse more than 110). Now, as someone whose blood pressure has always been around 110/70, i got a bit scared; i didn’t know if it was okay to have it this low or not and i wasn’t feeling okay at all. Anyway, it dropped a bit more and my mother noticed me (until then i was completely wiped out, had no strength to even be present in my body let alone act okay. i continuously felt like if i closed my eyes i’d slip away and never come back.

My mother told me to get up and have some ORS (some sort of salts and electrolytes thingy used in dehydration etc) and eat bananas. after some time my heart felt a bit fine and my BP rose up to 105 and something. But i felt exhausted, as if i had fought a war with my bare hands. I couldn’t even ask them to take me to a doctor and after this episode was over she suggested it very ummm... very angrily... so i stayed quiet. Later my sister (married) texted me and said that Mom will get an appointment for her general physician tomorrow for you. She obviously had talked to my mother on the phone and knew all about it (or at least as much as my mother decided to tell her). The next day she took the appointment which was for almost 2 weeks later (only time available). throughout the days leading up to that she told me that i’d feel fine and we’d not even need to go to the doc.

finally, the day arrived. My mother had been telling me to write things to show the doc, my symptoms and stuff, but i couldn’t write anything. I wrote this on a paper 9in a slow child-like handwriting:

1. Pain everywhere

    Tired

    Breathe (referring to difficulty in breathing but i couldn’t write the whole sentence)

the day i went to the doctor i added “ fog/ Quick sand” to the list wanting to say that i feel like i am in a fog/ quick sand as everything including my body and my brain function becomes very slow and delayed.

I didn’t take that paper to the doctor (well, that exquisitely written note wasn’t very helpful). I had decided beforehand that i’d somehow send my mother out and talk to the doctor in private as my emotionally abusive and controlling mother makes me unable to function like a normal human being. It took me days to prepare myself to say that. I also took all my history with me from the beginning of the year. Below is the brief history:

[ I had a very bad chest infection right after chicken pox (at the start of this year, yes great start to a great year 2020), I had to get a chest x-ray in which Scoliosis (bending of spine) showed up. According to the doctors and my family, as it was an incidental finding, it was asymptomatic and therefore needed no treatment or even a brace. No one cared to pay attention to what i said or how i felt as the fucking patient who actually dealt with a lot of back and shoulder and literally almost every kind of bone pain, and for whom the discovery of scoliosis was an answer to a lot.] Anyway, back to the regular rant.

so we went to the doctor. As i sat outside waiting for my turn, i practised again and again about how to ask to be diagnosed in private and not making my mother mad. first, my mother’s turn arrived and she told me to go in with her and remember what doctor tells her for her diabetes and acidity issues. After she was done... (i am getting a bit hazy here) i think the doctor brought up my scoliosis (i went to him in the beginning of the year and he referred me to an osteopath or someone) he talked about how he discussed my case with his colleague and he advised me to go to another hospital in another city for they have a specific department for things like scoliosis. After he said it all and looked at me expectantly to start telling him why i was there, i told my, mother if she can leave, she laughed embarrassed and acted like ha ha sweety i won’t disturb you go on ahead. but i repeated it a couple more times ( i think my tone was pretty dry, but i am not sure as i couldn’t really regulate anything at that time).

She left. then the doctor asked me about my health and i started to explain, except i couldn’t find the right words and forgot everything and just burst into tears. he patiently offered me tissues and waited for my answer. I explained somewhat. i don’t really remember the symptoms i explained, just that i felt fake and weird as if it all wasn’t really happening or i was faking everything and don’t know why the hell i kept bawling my eyes out, i was fine!! stop crying and making a scene. I was also inwardly thankful that my mother wasn’t in the room as i have had a similar experience of crying in front of a doctor and she taunted me about it for months calling me fake and attention seeking and a liar. Anyway, here is a list of what i told the doctor (from what i can remember):

- i feel like i am always holding myself up tightly, if i let go i’d fall. My muscles all feel seized up

-I have difficulty in breathing, i can’t breathe deeply for years. and before it was connected to emotional issues but now its almost all day everyday.

-As because of scoliosis my ribcage is a bit twisted so if i bent over my left ribs dig into my stomach area and it is quite painful if my stomach is full, if i have gained weight or if i have gas.

-my ankles feel swollen on the inside and walking is painful, my heels hurt and the top of my foot and the pain goes all the way up to my pelvic bone and back. My back hurts all the fucking time.

-My knees hurt so much that i have not been able to put my weight on my left knee for more than a week now (it has been hurting in the past as well) and now my body had developed a weird habit of walking up the stairs without putting pressure on left knee at all, which has in turn made my right knee tired and painful.

- I can’t really feel hungry. like if i don’t eat for a long time i’d feel that painful hunger in my stomach but i have no desire to eat and i keep forgetting about it. even when i try to eat i look at food and recoil in a little, i can’t eat it usually or at least like i use to ( I loved food more than almost anything ever, with only some foods that i couldn’t eat). and even after i eat (usually only when i eat something with wheat in it) my stomach swells up a round and painful (which is even more painful when the ribs dig into it.

-My jaw feels stiff and my teeth and gums hurt as if i have been clenching my jaw (which i do catch myself doing quite often)

-oh! i actually started out with saying that i can’t really hold up my neck some of the time (like a baby), and it keep falling around if i relax, it was happening right then too. then i cried. i also mentioned something about my bones painfully feeling like they’ll fuse into each other (if i lie on my side sometimes i feel like both sides of my ribcage will collapse into each other

This was all i could remember then and i think there might be more that i told him but i don’t remember it rn

The doctor asked me things in return. he asked me about my sleep which i told him i can’t sleep. I have been a person who’d sleep 7- 8 hours a night and then also take a nap in the day. I love to sleep, i could always sleep, no matter what happened. If i had cramps, migraine, back pain, emotional abuse, my favorite character died, tired, bored anything; I’d sleep it off. But now, no matter when o lie down, firstly, i am in too much pain to be comfortable in any position, it takes hours to fall asleep and no more fun daydreaming before sleep too. and then i wake up even more exhausted somehow.

He checked my BP and breathing ( i couldn’t breathe properly maybe because of crying) and stomach softness. My BP was 135/95 which i contributed to the car ride (i have car anxiety... dunno what it is but i get super anxious and panicky in a car especially with my family) but he said it could be because you just cried so much.

so, then he said that you are too stressed and your neurons are constantly firing cuz pain both emotional and physical. (he was talking for quite some time but i don’t remember what he said) he said most of it seems to be mental but upon my request he did give a few tests (one in particular expensive one for some muscle disease or something) then he referred me to a psychiatrist. he also asked me to write down my symptoms as the more i tell the doctor the better they can diagnose. then i got out and told my mother the diagnosis and referral. she went in to the office herself and talked to him for some time.

So, we had the tests done (with my father making it a point to say loudly how expensive was one of them in particular) and got an appointment for the psychiatrist. Also said that i have some stomach acidity and gave medicine for that

this seems like a huge post so i am thinking about making another one for that session and the later drama, hopefully before i forget

part two can be found here