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speaknow-sw · 3 months ago

Text

𝓘𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓬𝓲𝓽 𝓐𝒇𝒇𝓪𝓲𝓻

HEADCANONS FORM! Summary : in which you move in your new house in front of a very hot, very dad and very married man. But Anakin Skywalker is a gentle and caring neighbor. Gardenias appear in your garden and you befriended his wife. Soon enough you fit in this neighborhood though a little crush linger…

Ｃｏｎｔｅｎｔ: mdni, dad! Anakin Skywalker, older married man, reader is 25 and Anakin’s 33, mentions of vaginal fingering, pining, cheating ?

AN : GUYS FIRST WORK !!! Okay actually very stressed to post this but I’m sure you’ll be indulgent. Please ? It’s just a part 1 tho idk when I’ll post part 2. Again I’m not fluent in English but please feel free to correct any error. The real stuff happens in part 2 cuz it’s just a plot installation. Hope y’all like my silly little idea.

You and Anakin met when you moved across the street. As a gentleman, he welcomed you and helped with all your boxes. One look and you both knew you were spiraling down an unforgivable path.

« Excuse me Miss. Do you need help ? » Anakin asked gently.

« Oh yes, thank you so much » you replied, blushing.

« Just moved in ? It’s a nice neighborhood. The name’s Anakin Skywalker. I live just across the street. » he pointed the white house with blue shutters in front of yours.

« Well, yes I’m moving in. I hope we’ll become good neighbors. » you smiled brightly.

« Don’t doubt it. You seem a lot nicer than old Palps who lived here before you, » he laughed placing a boxes on your counter. « He died of cardiac arrest in his daughter’s house. But around here we say he died strangled in his bitterness. » he joked.

« Seems like a lovely man. » you chuckled.

When he finished helping you he invited you over at his house where you met his lovely…wife, Padmé. As you talked with them a pair of toddlers ran down the stairs. Anakin presented them as Luke and Leia his kids. Adorable, you thought.

After that first day you crossed Anakin path a numerous time. Every morning you would leave for work around the same time giving each other a light « Hello » and a meaningful gaz, like electricity sparkling between you.

After some months like this, you strangely begun to see gardenias appearing in the back of your garden.

Sundays barbecue were a common gathering for your neighborhood. Mr. Kenobi, the barbecue king for the five previous years hosting every one of them. Him and his wife Satine were the sweetest people you’ve ever met. Like a good neighbor you attented every barbecues and gained a little group of friends consisting of Padmé, Satine and Breha Organa, the mayor wife’s.

You couldn’t help but stare at Anakin back as he was talking with the other dads. His broad shoulders draped in an olive t-shirt and his nice butt constricted in a cream pant. Ovulation cravings were getting out of hands. God…this man sense of fashion could kill you on the spot with how effortlessly handsome he was. A married man, older than you, with kids…but so sweet and manly… Only when you turned to help Breha you missed Anakin gazing at you from afar.

Soon enough, Satine ran out of sodas for the kids. The Skywalker twins, Elledi and Fiari Organa, Cal Kenobi and many more kids were running in the gardens like crazy little gremlins. Tired of hearing their little voices complaining about having a glass of Fanta you took the matter in your hands and said you could go to the store. Suddenly a voice echoed.

« I got packs of Fanta in the closet at home. » proposed softly Anakin.

« Wonderful, my dear why won’t you accompany Anakin in his house to retrieve the sodas instead of taking the car ? » said a cheerful Satine.

« Oh…hm…yes, yes I can do that… » you stuttered a bit shy.

« You’re coming ? » Anakin called, his keys tingling gently in his right hand.

Your gaze fixated on his veiny hands and his long fingers. Your mind went wild with how good his fingers would be buried inside your clenching pussy. Maybe they could even reach that little area deep into you where you see stars. Your arousal grew and soon you felt your cunt being wetter than ten minutes ago. Fantasizing about him as you walked behind him silently, you didn’t saw he stopped in front of you and crashed against his back.

« Hey, hey, hey, I gotcha. » you heard before feeling strong arms wrapping against your stumbling form. You blinked at him shocked by the whole situation directly from a bad Christmas rom-com.

« You okay, kid ? » asked Anakin his beautiful face ruined by a frown.

« Uh…yeah, m’great thanks to you… » you muttered as you felt heat crawling on your cheeks.

« Alright, here, the sodas are in this closet. » he pointed an open door under his stairs. You nodded looking right in his eyes as your breath hitched. Your gaze lowered at your joined chest as your breasts were pressed against his muscular pecs with how tight he was holding you. You felt his breath on your forehead and raised your head to look at him not without checking his lips. His hold on you tightened slightly and you flushed.

You darted your eyes around the house unable to held the eye contact and as you wandered through the furniture of the closet your eyes widened.

On the shelf beside a toolbox was placed a white gardenia similar at the ones which appeared on your gardens…

To be continued….

#hayden christensen #anakin skywalker #anakin x reader #obi wan kenobi #satine kryze #evie writes #james kelly #sam monroe #clay beresford #scott barringer #padme amidala #star wars #affair #illicit affairs

255 notes · View notes

philtstone · 2 months ago

Note

24. Showing up injured at their friend/mentor’s house: for shawn? :)

[emerges from writing this fic bloody and beaten and on the verge of collapse] ill explore karen vicks character in an overly complicated post-episode missing scene fic or die trying! set immediately post "right turn or left for dead". i genuinely dont know if im happy with this but i also cant figure out how to fix it. actually, it would have probably been easier to write if i was willing to rewatch the episodes its based on. which i am not, because i am a sensitive little soul. so i winged it. i think there are like 10 different ideas that crop up and theyre all equally fascinating as character threads but i have no idea if i tied them together in an even remotely coherent way. also, WOULD she say that??? i had to call my brother twice to ask. this is what yall get for sending me actually interesting prompts, huh

“Oh, it’s no problem,” Henry’s voice said on the phone. “I’ll send Shawn over with them on his way out. He's going in your direction, anyway.”

In her short tenure as the junior detective to Henry Spencer’s lieutenant, Karen Vick observed two things:

First, that he was a far more clever strategist than most people gave him credit for. Despite the ongoing wreckage of his impending divorce and a kid who was slipping through his fingers as everyone looked on, Karen didn’t agree with the other junior detectives’ impression of him as a smash-the-door-down old school hard ass with thinning hair and a worst attitude. The man played four dimensional chess right out of a bonafide Star Trek episode. When he really wanted something done, Henry Spencer could bullshit and bluff and battle plan with the pros, and half the time you’d get too caught up in the blustering misdirect to realize his game was intricately thought out three steps in advance.

It was how they caught the Shorttown Killer, and also how they got that idiot Trembley at the mayor’s office to finally replace their coffee maker. Karen went home to her then-boyfriend, now-husband, and, right before bed, pulled out an old school workbook and took notes.

The second thing was that Henry Spencer loved his son.

Not a lot has changed since then, Karen thinks, staring down the weirdness that she now faces through her open front door.

“… Oh — Mr. Spencer,” Karen says, because it’s rude not to greet your employees when they show up at your home outside of work hours, and are also your old friend-slash-colleague’s kid. “Hello. Thanks for — bringing these over.”

“Dad said it was urgent,” Shawn says.

Urgent isn’t quite how Karen would describe it, but hearing through the grapevine that your department might be facing an audit sometime in the next quarter does light a fire under the proverbial ass. Karen would rather bend a few rules and make sure the last year’s i’s and t’s are dotted and crossed right than leave her detectives vulnerable to the whims of a mayoral stooge.

In general, Karen prides herself on caring about the people under her command just enough that it inspires genuine friendship and loyalty. The just is important. Care needs tempering – it’s important to pull back, press pause, keep certain lines uncrossed. It’s especially important if you want to be successful as a woman in an authority position where lives are often on the line.

What she’s saying is that she tries to make it none of her business what her employees get up to in their spare time. She really genuinely does. She’s shut O’Hara down gently midway through the twelfth sweetly-frazzled attempt to overshare about her dating life (or her efforts to befriend her next-door neighbor, or the endearing personality quirks of her last cat – rest in peace, Triscuit, you will be missed –) enough times to be well-versed in the art of I Won’t Ask, You Won’t Tell, But You’ll Probably Know I Care Anyway.

An invaluable rapport to maintain. In any situation, Karen thinks, but especially when you’re a person who regularly hires and works alongside Shawn Spencer.

She’s not sure whether what she’s looking at right now makes her want to second guess or double down on her usual policy.

“Special delivery,” Shawn adds, like everything is super normal.

Karen narrows her eyes. She glances behind them into the quiet residential street.

“Shawn,” she says.

“Yes, Chief?”

“You didn’t drive here, did you?”

“Ha,” he says, half rolling his eyes to accompany a weird aborted grin. “No. Even I don’t think riding a motorcycle with a concussion is a good idea. What if someone who wasn’t me got hurt? That’s — that would be no good, then you’d have to arrest me. Wouldn’t that be a huge bummer for the whole team, Chief? Gus would cry. And my dad wouldn’t let me take his truck.”

Karen stares at him. Shawn stares at the ground.

“I got a cab,” he says.

“And you are … taking another cab – home?”

Shawn looks quite suddenly like he’s going to be sick.

“Sure,” he says.

Shawn looks terrible. Bruised face, bags under his eyes, and a weird frenetic energy twitching in his limbs that doesn’t pair well with his general air of exhaustion. He’s holding his shoulders stiffly and can barely meet her eye. His t-shirt and sweatpants are rumpled, like he slept in them, even though it’s too early in the evening for Henry to have woken him up to send him here, and when he thrusts the promised files out into the air toward her, abrupt and, admittedly, Shawn-like, he only just hides the awkward wince that immediately overtakes his left side.

The last couple days have been a bit of a whirlwind, so Karen can’t say she necessarily blames herself for not looking more closely.

Even so.

Slowly, Karen reaches forward and divests him of the case files. They slip a little bit, because Karen can’t seem to stop peering shrewdly at Shawn’s face while she does it, and on instinct he reaches forward to stop the stack from toppling.

It does help, but the autopilot he moves on makes it harder to mask what is to Karen’s eyes a very obvious flinch.

“Alright,” is all he says. “Well, good to see you. Time to head back to the old hay stack.”

Like a needle in a haystack and time to hit the hay, Karen supplies needlessly in her own head. Aloud, she says, in many ways against her better judgment,

“Mr. Spencer, are you okay?”

Shawn sways on the spot for a second, one fist clenched, mouth half open. For a strange moment, Karen gets the impression that he’s trying really hard not to say the wrong thing.

“... As rain,” he finally manages, then nods to himself like he achieved some great feat. “Okay. Well –”

“Did something happen to your shoulder?”

“What? No!” Shawn’s eyes flutter closed and he shakes his head, “I’m – fine, Chief. It’s not – I mean, I’m – normal, fine. Fine in a normal way.”

“That’s not something an individual who’s fine in a normal way would say,” Karen says.

“Uh, is it not! It is. I would know, because I am that individual. It’s – I was – there’s just mild – pfft … stab wound – or something, who would even …”

Is Shawn broken? is the unhelpful thought that pops into Karen’s head. She’s never heard an attempt to bullshit collapse so quickly into pathetic nothingness before – certainly not from Shawn.

Perhaps even more than his father, the kid’s a pro.

And then the rest of the sentence catches up with her.

“A mild stab wound?”

Oh boy. She watches Shawn’s eyes widen with the panic that proceeds an unquestionable blunder.

“Chief –”

“In.”

“Chief, I really, really don’t think –”

“Inside my house. Now.”

He’s certainly uncoordinated enough that he doesn’t put up much of a fight. Karen herds him through the door as firmly as possible and leads them in a beeline past Richard’s office toward the bathroom, ignoring the reedy stream of consciousness that spills out of Shawn’s mouth as they go.

“Oh, hey, woah, it’s been like forever since I was in here. Did you redecorate? I swear that lamp wasn’t there the last time we visited. It could be the tacos I had earlier, but I’m sensing a distinct neo-modern Chinese aesthetic going on here, Chief, which calls to mind the merits of cultural appreciation in suburban home decor – hey, is that your husband’s office? Can I meet him? Is he home? That man is a true enigma to us, Chief, and it’s leading me to believe that he must possess all the facial and personality qualities of the pop superstar Mr. Pitbull Worldwide –”

Richard is home, actually, and Karen needs to alert him to the fact that they have an unexpected house guest, so, ignoring Shawn completely, she calls out,

“Honey? Shawn Spencer’s here for a couple minutes about a work thing! I’ll go up to put Iris to bed in a second!” in the finely-honed There Are Many Layers Of Complicated To This secret married tone that Richard should probably be able to catch through the closed office door.

“Alright,” floats out her husband’s pleasant voice. “Tell him hi from me.”

Perfect. There’s about a ninety-three percent chance he understood.

They make it to the bathroom, only stumbling slightly. Shawn says,

“-- or The Rock. Does your husband look like Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson? I really think that would make so many things about the Chief Vick family make sense –”

Karen closes the bathroom door with a snap and crosses her arms.

“Sit,” she says, in a voice that even he knows brooks no argument.

Shawn does. He looks – well, beyond uncomfortable, and more than a little bit miserable, and probably closer to completely dissociating than either of them are prepared for. Karen wonders belatedly if he's gotten any sleep at all in the last forty-eight hours.

“I’m assuming you have not been to the hospital.”

He gives her a baleful look, like he really expected better of her. She only just stops herself from rolling her eyes in response. And there’s that huge goose egg on his forehead, too. What, exactly, he got up to in between Carlton’s wedding reception and oh-eight-hundred hours this morning Karen has no idea, but he looks like someone’s run him through the world’s most aggressive industrial tumble dry cycle and spat him mercilessly back out.

Or maybe over with a truck.

Sending a silent prayer to the universe that Iris never hit puberty and remains a sweet-tempered six-year-old forever, Karen gets to business.

“Well, I had to at least ask. Shawn. Does it need stitches?” He mumbles the answer the first time, and then looks beyond startled when she grabs him under the chin so he’ll look her in the eye. “Listen. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. But you’re going to tell me the truth. Got it?”

Shawn grimaces so hard at her words it’s almost a flinch.

“No,” he says finally, clearly enough that she hears him. Karen raises an eyebrow. “No, I don’t think it needs stitches,” he articulates, but doesn’t meet her eye.

“Hm. Alright. I have gauze and tape in the medicine cabinet. Can I … is it alright if I pull up the sleeve of your t-shirt?”

Released from her hold, he groans and presses his face into one palm. “Chief –”

“I don’t really know what you expected, coming here! It’s not like I’m any less of a hardass than your father.”

“Yeah, but I can bitch back at my dad,” Shawn says, sounding like he’s finally realizing the magnitude of his mistake. Karen smiles grimly.

“Tough. Now pull your shirt up while I get the first aid kit.”

While Shawn proceeds to wrestle awkwardly with his t-shirt in a muted shuffle against the toilet seat, Karen rummages efficiently through the cabinet and eyes him through the bathroom mirror. He seems oddly reluctant to expose himself. In fact, in a stark contrast to his usual insistence on making his presence and contributions as obtrusively obvious as possible, Shawn seems intent on shrinking into the aforementioned Asian-flavored floral wallpaper (which does need an update, unfortunately) with all the equanimity of an anxious chameleon. Karen feels her eyebrows crease. Taking the first aid kit in hand, she brings it over and deposits it into his arms, ignoring his small startle.

“How about you hold that,” Karen says. Shawn does, against his chest, like a pillow. She walks around him and surveys the damage, antiseptic gauze in hand.

He wasn’t lying about the severity, at least. It’s a shallow thing, already mostly congealed, and has only stained his shirt in a small smattering spot of crusty brown blood.

Karen swabs at it with the alcohol using light careful fingers.

“Ow, ow ow ah –”

“Don’t be such a baby. It’s hardly a life-threatening injury.”

“Super insightful, Chief,” Shawn snaps, as genuinely sarcastic as he’s probably ever been with her, “never thought of that myself. Totally the reason why I just had to go to the hospital.”

He doesn’t pull away, but she can feel the tension radiating through his back. She blinks, one eyebrow crawling up her forehead.

Alright then. So that’s how it’s going to be.

“I’m assuming your father doesn’t know about this,” she says.

Shawn grunts, noncommittal. Huh. Maybe he does know, then, and has just been disallowed from doing anything about it right now.

She tosses the first used antiseptic wipe into the trash.

Goddamn four dimensional chess.

She supposes she’s never been bad at the game. She may as well work her way backwards through the moves: Guster, the most obvious node in Shawn’s turn-to-in-a-crisis-system, would never voluntarily abandon his friend in a time of need, so Karen assumes that whatever this is has either already included his support or not been made known to Gus at all yet. Henry’s likely exhausted his own usefulness in the situation, and Detective O’Hara is …

Karen has to work very hard for her hands not to pause in a way that gives away her hard-earned mental sleuthing. A bad feeling wholly unrelated to her ill-advised hangover of the day before begins to bloom at the back of her gut.

“You have really small hands, Chief.”

Shawn’s voice is notably more subdued than before.

“Do I?”

“They’re like … little kangaroo hands. Like the mom kangaroo from Whinnie the Pooh.”

“Didn’t you know?” Karen says, not unkindly. “They’re given out at the hospital when all first-time moms leave with their baby.”

He lets out a tired little laugh, more boyish than he probably means it to be, and in spite of herself Karen feels her heart clench. She isn’t blind. In all her last seven years as the leader of their chaotic little precinct, she has never seen Juliet O’Hara look as ill as she did yesterday morning. The usually sweet-faced young woman had all the pallor of a Victorian ghost, and stood so far away from Shawn in any given room that to an unassuming observer he might have had the plague.

There are only a handful of things, Karen thinks, that could have invited that particular evolution in their dynamic. She rips the surgical tape from its canister a little bit more harshly than is strictly necessary and fights the urge to pinch the bridge of her nose between her fingers.

“So,” she says conversationally, laying the tape down in neat, gentle little strips, trying not to pinch the wound too tightly. “Any fun plans for the evening?”

Shawn sniffs. She can see him gripping his hands together over his knee from where she stands above him.

“Um, yeah, uh –” he clears his throat, “you know me, Chief. We’re working our way through a Robert Guillame marathon, which means some good old fashioned Benson, running commentary on the quality of that child acting, naturally.”

“Naturally.”

“Then Gus and I were gonna hit up the new, the new chili cheese joint up by Hermosa, you know – they’re doing sliders –”

“Chili cheese sliders?” Karen hums, contemplative.

“Buy ‘em by the pound,” Shawn agrees. “Then I was thinking of getting a tattoo, maybe a belly button piercing, I’ve been really – really needing a change – would you let Iris get one, if she asked?”

“A tattoo?” Karen clarifies, cutting off the next piece of tape. The skin around the cut is warm to her touch but Shawn’s arms have goosepimpled. The hair at the back of his head sticks up unstyled, like he slept weirdly and couldn’t be bothered to fix it come morning.

“Of a marmoset. That’s what I’m thinking. With distinctly effeminate vibes.”

“Well, Dick hates marmosets. So I’d probably encourage her toward something else. Perhaps a sea lion.”

“Like Shabby.” The nervous note has bled into his legs again, and his earlier subdued tone has gone back to sounding strained. “Yeah, that’ll – that could be it.”

“All in one night, huh?” Karen says.

“I –” Shawn doesn’t even hiss when she presses down with a cotton gauze to cover the last of the thickened blood. His legs are properly jittering again. “I was – yeah, y-you know me, Chief, total night owl.”

“Shawn?”

“Yeah?”

“What about going home?”

Silence. Shawn doesn’t answer for a moment long and pregnant enough that Karen wonders if her question will be ignored entirely.

Then,

“Chief,” he says finally, in an awful, tiny little voice, “I really, really fucked up.”

Finally, her hands do falter in their ministrations; as emotionally exuberant as Shawn often is, she doesn’t think she’s ever actually heard him close to tears. For a horrible moment she wonders if Shawn Spencer will suddenly start crying atop her toilet seat for reasons neither of them are capable of discussing honestly. Then she wonders if her horror makes her a terrible boss.

Boss – mother – person.

Oh, dear.

She sets down the surgical tape and lays a ginger palm over the newly-bandaged gouge in his shoulder. It’ll probably scar, but not at all badly. She doesn’t like to think about the far more obvious one just below, puckering in a violent yet unassuming divot. Another narrow miss for Henry’s boy.

At this point there are so many of them to count, Karen has to question the statistical likelihood of the whole thing. Becoming a mathematical anomaly is, Karen can attest with confidence, not exactly the future the Lieutenant Spencer she knew dreamed of for his increasingly unmanageable teenager.

Doing what he loved, on the other hand – absolutely. Being with a person he loved, even more so. Karen grits her teeth at the irritating web she’s spent the last six years constructing around herself and wonders if this evening right here is some kind of cosmic karma for leaving Iris in the care of nannies for the first three years of her life.

That sounds like the kind of thing those horrible parenting magazines and Karen’s mother-in-law would claim, anyway.

“Shawn,” she says slowly, because she has to at least knock this possibility off the list before risking her career in an attempt to mediate her detectives’ love lives, “did you … you weren’t – unfaithful, were you?”

“What?!”

Shawn yanks his shoulder away and whirls around to face her with such a look of horrified betrayal on his face that it’s almost comical.

“No!”

Thank fucking God, Karen thinks. Aloud, she says,

“Well, I’m sorry, I had to at least ask!”

“No! No! What the hell, Chief!”

“Oh would you be quiet! I’m gathering my evidence here!”

“How could I – I would never – you’d even think that I could –”

“I know! Shawn, for God’s sake –” He’s scrambled to his feet in the cramped bathroom space, glaring, and has probably messed up all that surgical tape in the process. The half open first aid kit and his crumpled shirt press lopsided against his front and her garbage can is now full of oxidizing bits of cotton. Karen officially gives in to the urge to press her palms against her forehead. “I had to ask!” she repeats finally. “You and I both know you’re not gonna give me much else to work with, and you sounded so – so sad!”

Shawn barks out a hysterical little laugh. Karen almost growls in frustration.

“I am not going to risk all the very hard-earned rules I have in place without knowing for sure that my instincts aren’t wrong. Is that so hard to appreciate?”

Does it count as sound police work when the framework for your investigation is an unacknowledged lie? Karen doesn’t really know. Probably there’s another math metaphor to be made in there (you screwed your proof from the very beginning, maybe, Richard the professor would definitely have thoughts), or just a straight up joke. How to solve a case that’s cold before it ever has the chance to go live; a cover-up if she ever saw one. Unlikely that O’Hara will peep a word, and things will be a true mess for a few weeks, if she can’t make an educated guess about it. And no one will be explaining anything to Carlton, either …

Right before their goddamn audit, Karen thinks, aggrieved. She wonders if Henry considered this in his calculus. Send Shawn over, have her deal with him. Offer a huge unspoken you’re gonna be walking into a shitstorm tomorrow canary for her perennially chaotic mess of a coal mine.

She can’t help but feel begrudgingly grateful, but that doesn’t mean she and he won’t be having words about this later.

“Jesus, Karen,” Shawn mutters, pressing his face back into his free hand. Karen shakes her head and squares her shoulders.

“Well then! Back to the issue. You fucked up.”

“You know what? I can’t talk about this with you.”

“Oh, Mr. Spencer, I assure you I am more than well aware.”

Shawn blinks at her between his fingers, looking genuinely confused for the first time since he showed up at her door.

Karen does not bother to clear up his confusion; it’s better this way, anyhow.

“Will you be sleeping at Gus’s place or your father’s?” she asks, crossing her arms.

“I’m – I don’t –” Shawn doesn’t meet her eye. The earlier thread of anxiety is back. “I wasn’t …”

So, neither.

“Put your shirt back on,” she says. “We’re relocating to the living room.”

“Chief –”

“That was an order, Mr. Spencer.”

The living room is as quiet and mundane as it was an hour ago. It’s past Iris’s bedtime – she’ll have to go up, and soon at that. Karen seats her guest, retrieves a mug and a bag of chamomile from the kitchen, and removes the fluffy throw blanket from the basket behind the couch on her way back in. He’s deflated completely by the time the tea and blanket are set in front of him. Small and exhausted. Caught. It’s a horrible way to think about it. But she can’t avoid the hundred yard stare – Karen has seen it one too many times in people only just realizing they’re about to go away for life.

“Shawn,” she says, firm as she can make it. “Drink the tea. You’re dehydrated.”

“I’m … what?”

“Your lips are dry. You shouldn’t be dehydrated with a concussion.”

He doesn’t say anything for a minute, and Karen suddenly wonders if he’s going to get up and leave. She has experience with these things – she knows a runner when she sees one.

“I might as well have,” Shawn finally whispers.

She doesn’t catch it the first time. “What?”

“I – I might as well ha – Chief, I …” Deep shuddering breaths. He’s finally shutting down, she realizes. She can’t send him back out like this; Henry would give her the stink eye for a month.

Goddamn Spencers and their goddamn irritating overcomplicated lives.

Karen pushes the tea directly into his hands and tilts her chin so she can meet Shawn’s eye. He’s still lucid enough that she doesn’t think he’ll start hyperventilating, but now that the outrage and adrenaline has worn off, the symptoms of shock are pretty hard to miss. “Shawn,” she says again, and wills for him to understand.

“What if she – what if I never –” He can’t get the full sentence out. He looks at her, eyes wide and terrified.

Life sentence, Karen thinks again. The messy stack of files Shawn brought over sits almost unimportantly on the coffee table between them and a memory comes to her, unbidden, of words penned carefully in the corner of a modified police report that she pulled the minute the door closed on the McCallum case seven years ago.

Date: May 4th, 1995. Reporting Officer, Spencer, Lt. H. Perpetrator a caucasian male, brown hair, five foot nine, insists on wearing those stupid earrings just to spite me. What the hell do you want me to write here, Chief? Spent two hours in the fucking principal’s office convincing them not to expel him one month off from graduation. All that effort, and I still booked the kid. It’s gonna follow him for life, and it’s gonna be me that did it to him. For life. You think he’ll ever forgive me? He’s the greatest thing in my pathetic little world and he keeps breaking my heart, and I can’t even properly accept that it’s my fault.

How’s that for a fucking crime.

She needs to go put her daughter to bed. It’s the thought that keeps running through her head, oddly enough, like a strange antidote to the impotent anger and heartbreak and frustration she’s feeling for the people under her care.

With all the notes she took in that little workbook, she still let herself become complicit in the painstaking, convoluted resolution of Henry’s mistakes without accounting for all the variables.

Richard’s footsteps sound muffled in the next room; he’s made his way upstairs in Karen’s absence. She needs to go. She wants to hear the soft and sleepy love you Mama that with her unpredictable hours and regular long nights isn’t nearly routine enough.

“Shawn,” she says evenly. “Do you love her?”

It’s hard to reconcile the smarmy kid who tried to barter with her for twelve hundred a day with the devastated young man sitting on the couch in front of her.

“Chief …” he starts, barely above a whisper.

“Good. Then she’ll see that. Detective O’Hara is a smart and observant woman. What she chooses to do next is her decision, but … you might be – well, comforted by the fact that she’ll know that – truth.”

Shawn stares at her. The tea steams in front of him, cooling in increments. She takes a deep breath and gets to her feet, patting his uninjured shoulder brusquely.

“I have to go check on Iris. When I come back down, I can drive you to the Psych office.”

Iris is fast asleep when she gets there. A library book lays open face down over her stomach, and her soft brown hair fans out against the pillow, silhouetted by the soft glow of the unicorn nightlight in the wall above her. Karen turns off the bedside lamp, tucks her daughter in, and kisses her forehead. Just before she leaves, she hears it: murmured, half-awake.

“Love you, Mama.”

“I love you too, baby.”

Karen goes back to her living room, car keys in hand. She’s planned her next move in the driver’s seat enough times throughout her career that it shouldn’t be too hard.

#my writing #psych #psych usa #psych 2006 #shawn spencer #karen vick #henry spencer #shawn x juliet #shules #situations prompt meme #not sure if i want to put this on ao3 yet we'll see #if it gets zero traction on here ... maybe lol

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best-fictional-cat · 2 years ago

Text

Welcome! To the official list! Of the Best Fictional Cat competition!!!

Edit: here is the list of who's going up against whom in round 1

Here's our pawsome contestants:

Garfield (Garfield)

Puss in Boots (Puss in Boots / Shrek)

Kitty White / Hello Kitty (Sanrio)

Firestar (Warrior cats)

Khoshekh (Welcome to Night Vale)

Jiji (Kiki's Delivery Service)

Domino (Amphibia)

Ghost (The Owl House)

Cat (Stray)

The Admiral (The Magnus Archives)

Thomas O'Malley + the Aristocats (Aristocats)

Puppycat (Bee and Puppy cat)

Kyo Sohma (Fruits Basket)

Mae Borowski (Night in the Woods)

Morgana (Persona 5)

Meowth (Pokémon)

Kitty Softpaws (Puss in Boots)

Salem Saberhagen (Sabrina the Teenage Witch)

Luna (Sailor Moon)

Spot (Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Cheshire Cat (Alice in Wonderland)

Princess Carolyn (BoJack Horseman)

Hobbes (Calvin and Hobbes)

Chi Yamada (Chi's sweet home)

The Cat (Coraline)

Pounce de Leon (Homestuck)

Goose (Marvel comics / MCU)

Plagg (Miraculous)

Catbus (My Neighbor Totoro)

Catra (She-Ra)

Blaze the Cat (Sonic the Hedgehog)

Baron Humbert von Gikkingen (The Cat Returns)

Aslan (The Chronicles of Narnia)

Tom (Tom and Jerry)

Holly leaf (Warrior cats)

Jayfeather (Warrior cats)

Yellowfang (Warrior cats)

Bluestar (Warrior cats)

Miyo Sasaki / Muge / Taro (A whisker away)

Cake (Adventure Time)

Bob (Animal Crossing)

Raymond (Animal Crossing)

Frumpkin (Critical Role)

Maurice (Discworld)

Happy (Fairy Tail)

Cattail (Plants vs Zombies)

Angel Grimalkin (Purrfect Apawcalypse)

Pusheen (Pusheen)

Cat (Red Dwarf)

Judd (Splatoon)

Lil' Judd (Splatoon)

Garfield the Deals Warlock (The Adventure Zone: Balance)

Mad Mew Mew (Undertale)

Mothwing (Warrior cats)

Shoe (Ace Attorney)

Blanca (Animal Crossing)

John Blacksad (Blacksad)

Yoruichi Shihoin (Bleach)

Lumi (Cats are Liquid)

Mr. Mistoffelees (Cats the musical)

Gatomon (Digimon)

Pib (Dimension 20 - Never after)

Greebo (Discworld)

You (Discworld)

Felix (Drawtectives)

Minerva McGonagall (Harry Potter)

Heathcliff (Heathcliff)

Jaspers (Homestuck)

Sox (Lightyear)

Chat Noir (Miraculous)

Valerie Oberlin (Monster Prom)

Juan The Small Magical Latino Cat (Monster Prom)

Capper (My Little Pony)

Opalescence (My Little Pony)

Nyan Cat (Nyan Cat)

Mewo (Omori)

Bungle the glass cat (Oz)

Kyubey (Puella Magi Madoka Magica)

Coco Grimalkin (Purrfect Apawcalypse)

Felix Munch (Purrfect Apawcalypse)

Mittens Wichien (Purrfect Apawcalypse)

Shrödinger's cat (you know the one)

Artemis (Sailor Moon)

Chococat (Sanrio)

Big the Cat (Sonic the Hedgehog)

Gary the Snail (Spongebob Squarepants)

Lion (Steven Universe)

Aldwyn (The Familiars)

Simba (The Lion King)

Chairman Meow (The Shadowhunter Chronicles)

Kuroneko-sama (Trigun)

Leona Kingscholar (Twisted Wonderland)

Catty (Undertale)

Sandstorm (Warrior cats)

Squirrelflight (Warrior cats)

Tigger (Winnie the Pooh)

Nali (AC: Valhalla)

The Sphinx (Adventures of Puss in Boots)

Leone (Akame ga Kill)

Jonesy (Alien)

Domino 2 (Amphibia)

Ankha (Animal Crossing)

Kabuki (Animal Crossing)

Rosie (Animal Crossing)

Rover (Animal Crossing)

Tangy (Animal Crossing)

Darwin (April and the Extraordinary World)

Miyuki (Avatar the Last Airbender)

Serafina + Wolfie (Barbie as the Princess and the Pauper)

Taokaka (Blazblue)

Grimmjow Jaegerjaques (Bleach)

Kuro (Blue Exorcist)

Periwinkle (Blue's clues)

Catbug (Bravest Warriors)

Atsushi Nakajima (Bungou Stray Dogs)

Natsume Soseki (Bungou Stray Dogs)

Assistacat / Sub-manager (Cardfight!! Vanguard)

Brave Heart Lion (Care Bears)

Midnight (Castle in the Air, Diana Wynne Jones)

Potato (Cat loaf adventures)

CatDog (CatDog)

Skimbleshanks (Cats the musical)

Rum Tum Tugger (Cats the musical)

Jemima (Cats the musical)

Victoria (Cats the musical)

Ember (Cattails)

Lyrus (Cattails)

Mayor (Cattails)

Missy (Cattails)

Sarge (Cattails)

Scout (Cattails)

Nyako / Meowy (Chainsaw Man)

Lucifer (Cinderella)

Arthur (Code Geass)

Constable Whiskers (Cookie Run)

Cool Cat (Cool Cat Saves the Kids)

Mao (Darker than Black)

Catti (Deltarune)

Mingus Crown (Dialtown)

Ortensia the Cat (Disney)

Sisters of Plenitude (Doctor Who)

Jellie (Double Life SMP)

C!Antfrost (Dream SMP)

Izutsumi (Dungeon Meshi)

Yuigadokusonmaru (Durarara)

Thomas (Earwig and the Witch)

Carla (Fairy Tail)

Panther Lily (Fairy Tail)

Felix (Felix cat food mascot)

Felix the cat (Felix the cat (Paramount))

Candy + Cindy (Five Nights at Candy's)

Hiili (Fox Fires (webcomic))

Lucrezia and Meek (Frakk, the Cats' Nightmare)

Heinkel (Fullmetal Alchemist)

Arlene (Garfield)

Nermal (Garfield)

Amanojaku (Ghost Stories)

Cringer / Battlecat (He-man)

808 (Hi-Fi Rush)

Stelmaria (His Dark Materials)

Kirjava (His Dark Materials)

God Cat (Homestuck)

Vodka Mutini / Dr.Meowgon Spangler (Homestuck)

Macskacicó (Hungarian folk tales)

Cheetu (Hunter x Hunter)

Finley / Jelly Donut (Hustle Cat)

Samantha / The Cat (Infinity Train)

Solembum (Inheritance Cycle)

Nameless evil white cat (James Bond)

Jenny Linsky (Jenny Linsky, Esther Averill)

Stray Cat (JoJo's Bizarre Adventure)

Kaspar, Prince of Cats (Kaspar, Prince of Cats, Michael Morporgo)

Mr. Kat (Kid vs. Kat)

Magolor (Kirby series)

Tigress (Kung Fu Panda)

Remlit (Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword)

Mo (Lego Monkie Kid)

Meowthra (Lego Ninjago Movie)

Nyanta (Log Horizon)

Sylvester (Looney Tunes)

Mao Mao Mao (Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart)

Alpine (Marvel comics)

Behemoth (Master and Margarita)

Mog (Mog books, Judith Kerr)

The Cat (Monster Camp)

Ren (Monstress)

Haru (My Roommate is a Cat)

Ghazt (My Singing Monsters)

Pasty (Neko Atsume)

Sakamoto (Nichijou)

Niko (Oneshot)

Eureka the pink kitten (Oz)

Pangur Bán (Pangur Bán (Irish poem, 9th century))

Findus (Pettson and Findus)

Whiskers (Pixel Cat's End)

Pixie (Pixie and Brutus)

Glameow (Pokémon)

Litten (Pokémon)

Meowstic (Pokémon)

Skitty (Pokémon)

Sprigatito (Pokémon)

Jess (Postman Pat)

Tigger Sugden (Purrfect Apawcalypse)

Slugcat (Rain World)

Rivulet (Rain World: Downpour)

Shampoo ( Ranma 1/2)

Squanchy (Rick and Morty)

Talking Cat (Rick and Morty)

Blake Belladonna (RWBY)

Diana (Sailor Moon)

Charmmy Kitty (Sanrio)

Khajiit (The Elder Scrolls)

Tabby Slime (Slime Rancher)

Blair (Soul Eater)

Barry Ill ( Sparklecare hospital)

Caroline Coughs (Sparklecare hospital)

Grudge (Star Trek Discovery)

T'Ana (Star Trek: Lower Decks)

Cure Cosmo / Yuni (Star Twinkle Pretty Cure)

Pet cats (Stardew Valley)

Cat Steven (Steven Universe)

Nyanky (Taiko no Tatsujin)

Archie (Tales of Arcadia)

The Kitty (The Bad Guys)

The Black Cat (The Black Cat, E.A.Poe)

The Cat in the Hat (The Cat in the Hat)

Pixel (The Cat Who Walks through Walls, Robert Heinlein)

Amp / Anp / Anpu (The Disastrous Life of Saiki K)

Boo (The Funky Phantom)

Wagahai (Ace Attorney)

Invisible cat (The Invisible Man, H.G.Wells)

Bagheera (The Jungle Book)

Xiaohei (The Legend of Hei)

Nuka (The Lion King 2)

Pippa (The Penumbra Podcast)

Black Cat (The Price, Neil Gaiman)

Church (The Shadowhunter Chronicles)

Tom Kitten (The Tale of Tom Kitten)

Mew (Marvel comics)

Ichigo Momomiya (Tokyo Mew Mew)

Hong (Trash of the Count's Family)

On (Trash of the Count's Family)

Captain Amelia (Treasure Planet)

Thomas Kincade Brannigan ( Doctor Who)

Tumblr lore witch

Luxor (Tutenstein)

Che'nya (Twisted Wonderland)

Cheka Kingscholar (Twisted Wonderland)

Grim (Twisted Wonderland)

Burgerpants (Undertale)

Varjak Paw (Varjak Paw, S.F.Said)

Bristlefrost (Warrior cats)

Cinderpelt (Warrior cats)

Graystripe (Warrior cats)

Leopardstar (Warrior cats)

Scourge (Warrior cats)

Spottedleaf (Warrior cats)

Ferncloud (Warrior cats)

Leafpool (Warrior cats)

Mapleshade (Warrior cats)

Sol (Warrior cats)

Tallstar (Warrior cats)

Turtle Tail (Warrior cats)

Tab (Watership Down)

Tabby Von Meow (Webkinz)

Opera (Welcome to demon school Iruma kun!)

Fluffal Cat (Yu-Gi-Oh!)

Chester the Cat (Bunnicula)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And here, as requested, are Honorable mentions, in no particular order (some less honorable than others), with their reasons for exclusion:

Mikeko (Ace Attorney): Apparently Apollo's cat but as far as I can tell it was only mentioned not shown, you've got other cats in

Any of the playable cats (Catlateral Damage): yeah I'm not even digging into that I mean I tried but naaaah (not to sound lazy but if it doesn't have a good wiki page I'm not doing it sorry I've had this many cats to dig through; I did save the game to check out in my own time tho so cudos for that)

Tasque Manager (Deltarune): not cat enough

Doraemon (Doraemon ): if only this thing had cat ears... or a cat tail... preferably both... I get that it's a robot but it could be a lot of animals honestly

Lizzie (Empires Smp): whomst (if what I found is what was meant then it's a fish not cat)

Kitty Cheshire (Ever After High): not cat enough

Nepeta Lejiom (Homestuck): not sure she's cat at least ENOUGH if at all, don't know enough about homestuck, owner of Pounce who is in anyway (entry said they're sorry lmao)

Schrödinger (Időfutár): "Time-travelling cat" I have failed in finding their picture and it seems too niche to be presented without it even though I am so intrigued and regret I don't know the language of the source material I'd love to give it a read/listen

Revolver Ocelot (Metal Gear Solid): Compares himself to ocelots and meows apparently, but no visible cat aesthetic sorry

Raku-chan (Nyan Neko Sugar Girls ): why.

Aisha Clan-Clan (Outlaw Star): not enough cat

Honey the Cat (Sonic the Hedgehog): that's enough cats from sonic (real reason: model so low-poly she would cut her opponents, and before you argue - there's a difference between pixel models and low-poly old games models)

The song pet cheetah twenty one pilots concept album lore: oof yeah um I get what a concept album is kinda buuut it's just a weird entry idk we've got plenty of fandom cats to go around

Gaetan (The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt): Witcher from school of cat but he's still well pretty much human (don't come at me about witchers not being the same as humans he's not a CAT and that's all that matters to me)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's next?

Well, I have to make the bracket itself. As you can see, there's a bit more cats than I was intending to have, which means that certain polls in round 1 will have more than just two options. I can already tell you that a lot of the cats from the same fandoms are going to be eliminated in round one. That's why I kept them in. I'm planning on making up the first round match ups based heavily on the similarities between cats and the fandoms they're from. ALSO as you've probably noticed, some cats come in a bundle. That's because they're a family. I'm not doing this to Kitty Softpaws and Puss (at least YET), because even though they also get married in the end, there's a huge gap in their submission numbers. If you're wondering, how big, you may want to know that up to Tigger from Winnie the Pooh (that is, almost the entire first pic) are the cats that got 2+ submissions, in their order of popularity.

Next step - brackets!!! I want to do this well and I hope I don't underestimate certain fandoms!!!

#best fictional cat #polls #cats #competitions #competitors #it you have any questions send them my way you know the drill!!! if you have any advice or propaganda also send them!!!!!

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wallterwall · 3 months ago

Note

POSTAL

(2007)

By Uwe Boll

MAN:

Tower two.

Stand by.

[ speaks indistinctly ]

That's affirmative.

Congratulations, Nabi.

We are at the doorstep

of our martyrdom.

Praise Allah.

Praise him!

Soon we will be greeted

by Allah, the one true god,

and by the cheers

of our forefathers

and by 99 perfect virgins

who will worship us

for all eternity!

I thought it was 100.

What's that?

they promised me 100.

what's the difference?

If they're telling you one thing

and they're telling me another,

maybe they don't know

for sure.

Maybe.

Maybe the exact number

of virgins is not precise.

I mean, if it's in the 90s,

I can live with that.

Or 75.

Hey, I'm not greedy,

but what if it's 10?

Well...

What if it's 10, but we have

to split them between us?

Then you'll have

five more virgins

than you have right now,

right?

We're talking

about eternity here!

How long will five virgins

last you -- maybe a month?

They're not going to be virgins

for long, right?

Look, would it make

you feel better

if we called the big guy?

Yes.

Take the stick.

- Okay.

It's ringing.

Osama, yes, it's Asif.

No, we're on it.

It was fine, but security

takes forever, you know?

What are you going to do?

Anyway, look,

Nabi has a question.

Will you talk to him?

No!

[ mutters indistinctly ]

You do it!

Hello!

Yes.

Uh, it's about the virgins.

Really?

It was 100 when I signed up.

[ sighs ]

He said

it's not that many anymore.

Too many martyrs

in the first go-around.

You've got to be kidding me.

Does he know where we are here?

Give me the phone.

Take the stick.

Osama, it's Asif.

Right now, can you tell me

the number, absolutely,

that you can guarantee

Nabi and myself,

as far

as virgins are concerned?

[ pounding on door, indistinct talking ]

No, that's fine.

MAN:

Do it!

Come on, man!

He can't guarantee

more than 20.

MAN #2:

Open the goddamn door,

you bastards!

MAN #3:

We're gonna f***ing

kill you, you motherf***er!

MAN #4:

Lying pieces of sh*t!

MAN #5:

Open the door!

MAN #6:

- Open this f***er!

Screw this, right?

I'm glad you said it first.

Okay, get on the intercom

to the passengers.

We are changing course

for the Bahamas.

Bahamas!

Aah!

[ indistinct shouting ]

We're going to the Bahamas!

[ indistinct shouting ]

Aah!

[ whistling ]

[ gunshots ]

MAN:

...Has again expanded

the definition of marriage,

this time to include any union

between a man and a woman,

a man and a man,

a woman and a woman,

a man and a collie,

or a woman, a polish sausage,

and a long weekend.

The standoff with Mr. Cruise

Has now stretched

into its eighth day.

Cruise continues to insist

that police are violating

his parental

and religious freedoms,

citing human sacrifice

as essential...

Today on

"Good Morning Paradise,"

mayoral candidate Eugene Wells

joins us to talk about

the new political landscape,

and the newest toy craze

of the year --

Krotchy dolls.

Stay tuned. It's gonna be

a super-dupe show.

Turn down that f***ing TV!

I can't hear my show.

[ indistinct shouting on TV ]

Yeah,

nothing's good on anyway.

Just, uh, preparing

for my interview.

Fight!

Aw, you fight like a p*ssy.

No one's gonna hire

your sorry ass.

Why don't you go suck up

to your Uncle Dave already?

[ gagging ]

God damn it!

What the hell

is going on out there?!

Ugh.

Nothing.

Make sure you pick up

that welfare check!

Kiss, kiss,

sweetie pie...

[ speaks indistinctly ]

[ squishing ]

Come on!

No.

Bad boy.

I told you --

no poopies in our yard.

No poopies in this yard.

You only poop in

the next-door neighbor's yard.

[ gunshots pinging ]

Feces in the yard.

[ sighs ]

That's a violation

of trailer-park

ordinance number 101-40.

Stop eating the poop.

I'll add that to the list.

Th-the list?

The list. Great. The list.

W-what else?

What else

you got on the list?

Ordinance number 143-11.

Yesterday around lunchtime.

Now, I don't care what you two

do in your own bedroom,

but ordinance number 143-11

says if I hear your lewd

lovemaking after 10:00 a.M.,

I get to file a grievance

against your sorry ass,

which is

exactly what I'm gonna do!

Oh. Oh.

- Oh, okay.

Well, at least I wasn't boning

my sister, you inbred hick.

Oh, for your information,

hillbilly,

I wasn't even here

yesterday afternoon.

[ laughs ]

[ sighs ]

I hate this town.

Matt!

- Whatever!

This f***ing sucks.

And NASA,

The National Aeronautics

and Space Administration,

does not exist.

All the space missions

that we've heard about

since we were little kids

in school --

creations of Hollywood.

We did not land on the moon.

There is no John Glenn.

Well, there's a John Glenn

who's a Senator...

Hey, hello?

You, professor.

What is this,

a reading library?

Yeah, yeah.

Two minutes, buddy.

Ah, no "two minutes" now.

You buy now, or bye-bye.

Bye-dee now now.

Ah, go on, bye-bye.

Go on.

Bye-bye.

You bye-bye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

- Hey.

Don't let the door

hit you on the way out.

Daddy, Mohammed says he needs

to talk to you again.

What about?

What else?

Okay, so, what did she say

about me exactly?

That slut.

# killer, yeah,

and rhyme till I die #

# with an AK-47

from side to side #

# jihad killers #

# man, it's hot in here #

# you just to stake that

out of this atmosphere #

# jihad killers #

My brother.

Any police come around today?

Anything suspicious?

No, nothing, Mohammed.

Trust me...

you are safely hidden here

for as long as you want.

Well, that may not

be for much longer.

Oh?

We have news

from Afghanistan.

News? Oh.

It is all coming together.

The shipment

left three days ago.

Oh.

Praise Allah.

When, uh, will be it here?

Tomorrow!

The time has come for us

to place our swords

to the genitals

of the infidels.

[ exhales deeply ]

Whoo-hoo!

[ chuckles nervously ]

[ groans lightly ]

[ keys clacking ]

Gah.

I see

you noticed the heads --

motivational.

Those are

every f***ing bastard

that I had to climb over

to get this job.

Jesus.

[ laughs ]

Foul.

They're paper-mache.

They're --

he thought they were real.

[ chuckles ]

Sit down.

Let's get started.

So, I hope you don't mi--

I hope you don't mind

the recording.

Uh, we're gonna use it

as training later.

Ready?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

It's good.

What the f*** is wrong

with you?

It's, uh --

the chair is actually --

All right,

we're on a time clock,

So let's get started,

shall we?

Yes, sir.

Good.

Well...

Um, so, I'm here

for the job, sir.

Right.

You're a factory worker.

I was.

I was a factory worker, but

the factory got closed down,

so I got laid off, and --

I've interviewed 15 other people

for this job.

What makes you think

you're better than them?

Well, I don't know

if I am better than them.

Well, god damn it, pal.

If you want this job, you better

reach out and grab it.

You better put

those f***ing heads on the wall.

You know what? F*** it.

Let's go to the questions.

What is

your greatest strength?

Um...

I'm a really good team player.

Wrong.

[ keys clacking ]

What is

your biggest weakness?

Um, I'd say I work too hard.

Wrong.

How would you move a

mountain using only a spoon?

A spoon?

If you were in a box,

how would you think outside it?

I bought all these goddamn English CDs

For you

to say f***ing "glass"?

It's "glasses."

You f***ing foreigners

come over here,

and you f*** up

the language,

and this b*tch

is f***ing up the traffic!

Come down, Greg.

You f***ing calm down!

This flat-ass b*tch

comes over here,

she takes over

the convenience stores,

and they eat up

all our goddamn dogs!

Go and help her.

Come on.

WOMAN:

What's the holdup?!

You're right.

I'm trippin'.

I'll just get out of the car

and make sure she's doing okay.

She's an old lady.

[ sighs ]

I feel bad now.

[ woman shouts indistinctly ]

Hi.

The light is green.

[ speaking native language ]

The light is green.

You could have

went through the light.

The light turned gr--

what did you say?

[ speaking native language ]

What'd you say, b*tch?

Aah!

Why don't you stir-fry that?

[ man laughing ]

WOMAN:

Holy f***!

MAN:

Damn!

Yeah, that'll get her moving!

Man.

What happened over there?

B*tch called me n*gger.

[ indistinct conversations ]

Ooh.

Whoa-ho-ho!

Did you see that?

Yeah.

[ chuckles ]

One date with me,

she'll look like she's been hit

with a mayonnaise truck.

[ both laugh ]

That's right, Mr. Stickum.

[ both laugh ]

Yeah, I hope she comes back.

You got to hold it.

[ whimpers ]

Thank you.

Okay.

All set?

- Yes.

What do you got?

- I will have a medium...

[ inhales sharply ]

[ squeaking ]

No, you know what?

I'm gonna have a large.

I'll have a large mocha.

Okay.

No.

No, you know what?

Maybe a -- maybe a vanilla.

Okay.

W-w-what do you think

goes better with bagels?

Unh!

You had 10 minutes

to make up your f***ing mind!

What is it with you people?

Can somebody please tell me?

I mean, we sell coffee.

That's it, nothing else.

You're not buying a car,

I mean, right?

Make a f***ing decision, huh?

How about it?

I know.

Here we go.

You're gonna have

a regular coffee.

Careful -- the beverage you're

about to enjoy is extremely hot.

Next?

Uh...

What?

I, um --

Two lattes,

no foam, please.

[ rock music plays ]

I can't believe

this is the first time

you've ever been here.

Huh.

I mean, all these f***ing idiots

calling me Uncle Dave,

And here I am --

I actually am your Uncle Dave.

[ chuckles ]

Yeah.

So, when was the last time

I saw you?

The bachelor party,

right before the wedding night.

Oh, f***, yeah, right.

That was fun.

I wonder

if that donkey survived.

[ inhales deeply ]

Well, what do you think

of the place?

Ah, it's -- it's amazing.

Yeah. I kind of owe it

all to you, you know?

Me?

Well, we always talked

about running a con like this, right?

- Yeah.

[ why did you have to send like seven of these ]

#ooc #anonymous

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