#hell i'd rather have a frozen pizza than a fast food pizza

[angelsdean]

me: anguished as i struggle to describe the perfect pizza slice, as if that's something that matters at all

[frogsandfries]

Hmmmm

So I guess I've been thinking about fertility a lot lately. I've been thinking about my health a lot--of course, even before I spent two weeks laid out on the couch, exhausted and coughing up colors I've never coughed up before.

While I've just been laying here thinking about how my apartment is going to hell, I've also been thinking about how critical it's going to be to get even more serious about trying to eat better and exercise even more.

I was actually just watching a video about a young woman living with her husband--so young!--in Hong Kong, going through IVF. Seriously, at an estimate, if I'd been that serious at her age........... well..........I still wouldn't have had insurance of any sort. But it would've given me more time to think about how to address my diet and lifestyle.

For me, I guess I don't get too upset about my health, let alone my fertility. There only seems to be one thing seriously preventing me from starting my family, and losing weight can't be that hard--more exercise, better food. It's my problem if getting my blood pressure under control takes two years............ most likely? But for me, my doctor's see nothing wrong with my reproductive system--I don't have cysts, I have a very average uterus, very average ovaries. I'm just not producing regular, normal hormones. I'm just a pill away from artificially switching all that back on and most likely, getting where I want to be reproductively. It would be so easy. It would fuck up my blood pressure. So. Bad.

But what about these last two weeks?

I don't fucking know what I was sick with--I went down the stairs today to help my partner with garbage and that was it from me today. I was still having trouble just functioning around the apartment, with dishes and such. I'm utterly trashed. I've never gotten sick casually. It somehow always becomes a respiratory thing. Cold? Respiratory. Flu? Respiratory. Strep? Respiratory.

I meant to do some more ink today. I feel like I'm running up short on lineworks...... But I never seem to have much to work with. I always have to plan for really hot weather or I have to plan for a migraine--I've been fending one off since Friday, since I just didn't have the energy. It resulted in two evenings of this new disturbance that I get, zigzags around my pupil.

I was thinking about that all these last two weeks. I never seem to have much energy, everything comes back to a respiratory infection. As a person without much energy, I feel like I'm always storing energy for when I'll really, urgently need it--how long am I going to need to recover from this?

I ate basically nothing for two weeks; I still can't eat a whole lot and I'll probably be on that for a while. My weight is still going to skyrocket.............🙄

What is it really actually going to take to lose weight and get my blood pressure down? I'd almost rather have a "real" fertility concern.........

I don't feel discouraged right now, about my fertility. I have bigger issues to work on if I want to have a reasonably healthy pregnancy. I'm terrified of having to pull the plug because pregnancy is going to kill me. I'd rather have one healthy, successful pregnancy when I'm 35+ than two hard, scary pregnancies by the time I'm 35. In that regard, it is kind of hard because it feels like my heart health is all on me..........I don't know how much better I can reasonably eat. So we throw out the crackers and I eat even more vegetables. I don't realistically know how many salads I can imagine up. If we eliminate any more fast food...... well, 🤷‍♀️ we had a short burst there where we were eating so much, it felt like a chore, and I've honestly been asking to eat even more meals from home so.

We just...........I mean, I would say soda is really the devil in our kitchen. Yes, I eat proportionally lot of crackers--they're quick, easy, they don't upset my stomach. We don't eat a ton of frozen pizza, fish sticks--we love fish, or I do. I bake up fish all the time. For me, manufactured cookies just sit around, they're gross. We eat a lot of chicken. We could always use more veggies........ But yeah, without question, our soda is out of control. Although, I've swapped my sugary soda for water (except recently?? I let my partner do the grocery shopping and he left out my water???? 😭).

My own thing used to be candy, but I have a brand new bag of jelly beans from last year because I'm still struggling to get through this bag of chocolate. I really (usually) enjoy the fruit bowls from the grocery store.

I think my diet is....... reasonable. It's modern as in "I grew up eating out of food pantries and neither of my parents knew how to cook and I'm used to eating out of Aldi with five to twenty dollars for a week". A lot of chicken, there used to be more rice. We don't eat much burgers....... if the doctor is saying cut down on potatoes........... that can be done........... I think.......

Pfffft it's not like I fucking know how to eat anyway......... i GuEsS I'Ll fUcKiNG STarVe lol

It's really fine. I need to figure this the fuck out. I will fucking figure this out. I want to be a parent because I believe I can be a good role model. I want to be a better person and a better parent. I really ought to start with what goes in my own body.