#hehe this one's long because i love writing andrew parts. also i had no idea what you were referencing in your ask. :') i looked it up tho! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

m4tthewmurd0ck · 3 years ago

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𝐀 𝐓𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 ~ 𝐁𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐲 𝐁𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐬 𝐱 (𝐅𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞) 𝐀𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫! 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

back with another entry for @fairydxll‘s 2k writing event! i had so much fun writing for my matt x reader, now it’s something for bucky :) just like last time, i’ve got 2 prompts: “what i have with you, i don’t want with anyone else” + “i didn’t know where else to go”

context: ~ i am still a hoe for avenger! reader so we’re back with that heheh. same as last time, your powers are basically wanda’s powers, plus presence concealment which is just a fancy way of saying invisibility. this mostly focuses on your relationship with bucky though, so it’s not touched on tooo much but it will be referenced. italics = flashbacks. also i had to sneak in a cute lil moment from andrew garfield’s spider-man hehe, obviously re-worked to be bucky x you. also i fucked up and mixed up some of the howling commando’s members so just pretend that everyone i mentioned worked closely with bucky.

word count: 13.8k (hahaha i am so sorry if you hate long one-shots. i really tried to cut down after my matt x reader piece that was over 10k but… we see how well that worked out)

If Bucky could to describe you using one word, he’d have a hard time deciding. Without a doubt, you are the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. But you’re also the smartest. And you’re kind. Loving. Gentle. If he had to choose just one though… it would be home. It doesn’t matter where in the world you are, whether it’s the United States, somewhere in Romania, if he has you there, he’ll be okay. You, are home. You could be on the other side of the room, and just one glance at you fills him with a sense of comfort, and peace. Things he never thought possible. One night as he’s laying next to you, and you’re sound asleep, he thinks about the long journey it took to get to where you are right now. Lots of ups and downs (more downs, if you’re both being honest), but life is… good. He’s hesitant to even think it, because for decade after decade, all he knew was pain and suffering. But with you, he’s happy. He’s content, and safe. If only things could stay this way.

You’d been part of the Avengers since about a year after Steve was pulled from the ice. In fact, he’d been the one to take you under his wing. You were with him when Fury informed you both that S.H.I.E.L.D. had been compromised. You were nearly shot, but Steve managed to pull you out of the way. It was you that Fury handed the USB drive to, telling you both to not trust anyone.

You helped Steve pursue the masked man that shot Fury, but were stunned into silence when he caught Steve’s shield with ease. It’s then that you noticed the mans metal arm. It was Steve’s idea to hide the USB in a vending machine at the hospital, but it was your idea to later on not tell Pierce anything, so when he asks, you say nothing of what Fury gave you, or said before he died.

As you and Steve ride away on his motorcycle after being ambushed by Rumlow and other people working against you, he apologizes profusely. “I never meant to bring you in to all of this,” he says sadly. You can only shake your head, saying you would’ve helped him anyway, even if he hadn’t asked.

When you and Steve are declared fugitives by Pierce, he claims that you are to be taken out by S.H.I.E.L.D. for withholding information. It’s tricky, but you manage to get into the hospital to retrieve the USB. Only it’s not there, and it’s only when Nat appears that you realize something much bigger is at play. It’s then that you learn the masked man responsible for Fury’s death is known as The Winter Soldier, and he has been credited with over 24 assassinations in the last 50 years.

From there, it’s absolute chaos. You, Nat, and Steve head to the location where the program on the USB was written, and manage to just barely survive an assassination attempt by a S.H.I.E.L.D. missile. Seeking refuge with Sam Wilson, you manage to spend a little time hiding out while trying to figure out next steps.

You even crack a smile when Sam tells you all he made breakfast, though he’s unsure “if you all eat that sort of thing”.

With Jasper Sitwell now fearing for his life after Nat kicks him off the roof, you learn that Zola’s algorithm calculates if someone will be a threat in the future based on their actions in the past. Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Stephen Strange, even you and Steve are considered targets.

As you’re escorting Sitwell, along with Steve, Sam, and Nat, the vehicle is attacked. When a metal arm rips through the car and pulls Sitwell out and into oncoming traffic, you realize it’s the Winter Soldier. A long battle ensues as you all fight the Winter Soldier, and the men working alongside him.

Getting a glimpse at the man without the part of his mask that covers his eyes, there’s a split second where you swear you’ve seen this man before, those eyes look familiar. Those thoughts quickly leave your mind when he shoots Nat, leaving you and Steve to take him on by yourselves. You and Steve manage to land him on his back, and the bottom half of his mask comes flying off as he stands up.

That moment still comes to you in your nightmares, when Steve calls out to his best friend, only to be met with “who the hell is Bucky?”

Nat saves you both before the Winter Soldier eliminates you, but he manages to escape. You’re all taken into custody, and it seems like all is lost, until you’re rescued by Maria Hill. It’s also then that you learn Nick Fury is still alive.

You all have a new mission. 3 Helicarriers need to be breached, and the targeting blades need to be replaced with the ones Fury pulls out of a briefcase. Hill can’t stress enough, how important this is. All 3 need to be replaced, or the whole mission will be for nothing. An argument breaks out between Fury and Steve, as Fury tries to say that S.H.I.E.L.D. might possibly still be saved, while Steve points out that the whole operation has to end because they were compromised, with HYDRA growing within them possibly the whole time, and Fury had no idea.

Maria agrees, and Fury looks to you and Sam, almost waiting to see what you think.

“Don’t look at me, I do what he does,” Sam motions to Steve, “just slower.”

“I trust Steve with my life,” you say confidently, “I’m with him”.

Afterwards, you join Steve over a little bridge, and ask if he’s alright. He has always made sure that you’re okay, and offered to lend an ear if you need to talk or vent, so you hope this time you can return the favor. He surprises you by telling him about what he was just thinking about. An old memory, not long after his mom died.

“I thanked him for offering to let me stay with him, and said I could get by on my own. My damn pride wouldn’t allow me to accept the help, he’d already done so much just saving my ass from getting beat up over the years. And after my repeated refusals, you know what he said? The thing is, you don’t have to. I’m with you till the end of the line pal. Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky.”

Later that same day, you help Steve break in to the Smithsonian to steal his uniform. When he puts it on, you open your mouth to make a sarcastic comment, and see Steve shaking his head. He’s laughing though, already knowing what joke you were about to make.

Steve, Sam, Maria, and you, work on making your way through the Triskelion and try to take control of the communications system to warn the staff that HYDRA has infiltrated S.H.I.E.L.D., being led by Alexander Pierce. And then… all hell breaks loose.

Yelling for you to stay with him, Steve takes off running. You immediately follow, meaning what you said when you told Fury that you trusted Steve with your life. If he thought this would work, then you’d follow him.

By some miracle, and by miracle, you mean a lot of ass kicking, you and Steve manage to replace the targeting blades on one of the Helicarriers, and Sam manages to get to the second one.

A series of explosions, and a pit settles in your stomach. The Winter Soldier is here. Steve grabs you, jumping off the edge of the triskelion and telling Sam that you both need a ride. Just when things seem to be going your way, the Winter Soldier sends Steve flying over the edge. Without a second thought, you jump after him, but the Winter Soldier grabs Sam’s wings before he can follow.

You use one hand to grab on to the edge of the Helicarriers and manage to just barely grab hold of Steve’s hand with your other. You pull yourselves up, and are filled with more dread as Sam tells you that he’s down for the count because his suit is broken.

You begin to run down the metal runway, when you freeze at the sight of the Winter Soldier standing in front of you. Steve immediately steps in front of you, and you know he’s using himself as a human shield.

Before a fight breaks out between the men, Steve manages to slip you the last targeting blade, whispering to get it done while he distracts Bucky. “The Winter Soldier,” you correct him. “That’s not Bucky. He’s under their control.”

You remove a targeting blade from the system, and are just inches away from inserting the new one, when the Winter Soldier yanks you back and throws you to the side as if you weigh nothing. You watch in horror as the targeting blade drops, and without hesitation once again, you dive after it. The Winter Soldier chases after you and Steve does everything he can to hold him off, and by some miracle he’s able to render the Winter Soldier unconscious, handing you the drive and telling you to try again.

As the Winter Soldier gets up and shoots at you, Steve ends up taking the hits as he uses his body to shield you. At the literal last second, you manage to slip the remaining targeting blade into place. You sink down next to Steve with relief, but it’s short-lived as you remember that he’s hurt. He looks at you, and you know what he’s silently asking.

“Fire now,” you say softly.

Maria instantly knows that you’re talking to her. “But you guys are—”

“Do it!” Steve yells. After the explosions begin, you and Steve rip your ear pieces out. “I’m sorry you got dragged in to all of this,” Steve gives you a sad smile as you both struggle to stay calm.

“You saved my life. I follow you anywhere, remember?”

A scream interrupts you both, and you look down in horror, seeing the Winter Soldier trapped under a large beam.

“Stay here,” you use the broken railing to pull yourself to a standing position. When Steve tries to mimic your actions, you gently push him down. “You took multiple bullets for me. Stay down Cap, that’s an order,” as you make your way down to the Winter Soldier, you think about how you’ve wanted to order Steve around ever since Sam pointed out that he was always in charge. He’s the captain, isn’t he? You’d asked. Sam just rolled his eyes and responded yeah but that’s not the point.

When you make the final jump to the bottom level, you use whatever strength you have left to lift the beam up, too weak to even use your powers. You see him, the Winter Soldier, watching you. Although he’s under HYDRA’s control, the pain in his eyes is clear.

“Come on you gotta help me out a little bit!” You yell, struggling to lift the beam up those last few inches.

He uses his metal arm to push it up the rest of the way, allowing him enough space to slide out. Steve surprises you both by approaching from behind you.

“You know me.”

“No I don’t!”

You manage to land a punch to his ribs, but he turns and kicks you back far enough that you nearly fall through the hole in the Helicarrier. Steve reaches out just in time and pulls you back up. He shakes his head, telling you to stay down this time.

You don’t think you can get back up anyway, so you lay there, clutching your stomach in pain, and watch as the Winter Soldier slowly beats the life out of Steve.

“Steve!” You cry out, using what little strength you have left to get up as he falls out of the Helicarrier and quickly towards the water.

You take one look at the Winter Soldier, and as he glances at you, you get a flash of Bucky behind those blue eyes. Not wanting to lose time, however, you turn away and dive into the water, knowing that you need to rescue Steve even if it kills you.

You’re swimming underwater for a good 10 seconds before you see him, and grab hold of one of his arms. By the time you both surface above the water, you feel almost completely drained of your energy. Using one hand to keep hold of Steve, and the other to weakly paddle you both to shore, you think to yourself at least we’ll make it. But then your head starts to go underwater every few strokes, and as your eyes close, you mentally apologize to the man next to you, thinking that you’re sorry for failing him.

Just before your eyes close, you feel another arm grab yours. You’re so focused on not losing your grip on Steve, though, that it’s not until you’re on land that you look and see exactly who pulled you from the water.

“Steve! Steve come on you gotta wake up. Please, open your eyes,” you move his hair out of his face, pleading with him to wake up. “Come on, we can’t do this without you, you gotta wake up.” You briefly turn around to see then Winter Soldier / Bucky, standing about 10 feet behind you. He’s doing nothing but watching you try to wake Steve up. As he starts to walk away, you call after him. You notice him hesitate for just a second, but ultimately he decides to keep walking.

“G-go.”

You look down, surprised and extremely happy to see Steve awake. “What? I’m not going anywhere we need to get you help.”

“Go after, him, please. If we lose him— I can’t lose him again. Please, we can’t—”

You briefly look back and forth between the figure that’s getting smaller and smaller the further he walks, and to the man right in front of you. You don’t know what to do. He weakly lifts an arm up and taps your left shoe. You take both shoes off, knowing why Steve told you to. Trackers were planted on the suits of all Avengers so that if anything happened, rescue wouldn’t need to wait for you to give your location. Steve’s wouldn’t have one yet since it’s his old suit, but you got lucky. If your tracker had been anywhere but your shoes, you wouldn’t be able to ditch it without essentially getting naked.

“I’ll contact you when its safe. Don’t worry, I’ll look after him,” you whisper, squeezing Steve’s hand one last time before turning around and running after Bucky. Thankfully, he was walking slow, and you catch up to him in less than 30 seconds. You’re careful to walk far enough behind him to give him some space, but you’re sure he knows you’re following him.

Your suspicions are confirmed when after walking for less than a few minutes, he suddenly stops and turns around, yanking you into an alley. His metal hand wraps around your throat and he looks at you, eyes wide with a mix of panic and confusion.

“Please… Bucky… I don’t want to— I don’t want to hurt you,” you try to pry his hand off of you, not wanting to use the full extent of your powers on him. When he lets go, you fall to the ground, coughing as you try to stand up. You’re surprised when he uses his other hand to help you to your feet.

“Who— who are you?” He asks, still understandably cautious.

You introduce yourself as you try to catch your breath. After you say your name, you look tilt your head a little, really looking at him. “Do you know who you are?” He’s silent, so you try something different. “Did you know that man that you helped pull out of the water?”

He looks down, then back up at you before slowly nodding. “I think so. Are you with HYDRA?” It’s almost as if he’s waiting to be asked for the mission report. He’s clearly still confused, you think to yourself. Why would I have rescued Steve if I was with HYDRA?

“I know you want to run. But you need someone on your side to make sure you’re okay. Steve trusts me, all I want to do is make sure you’re safe. You are not the Winter Soldier. Your name is James Barnes. Please let me help you.” You hold your breath, half expecting him to take off running again. When he nods and begins walking again, you’re quick to catch up with him. “I know someone who can get us out of here. And I know you have no reason to do so, because it probably seems like I just tried to kill you, but I was just trying to save Steve. You have to trust me, at least until we’re somewhere more safe.”

It’s another miracle when you and Bucky manage to make it to a temporary safe house. Only this ones different, it’s not on S.H.I.E.L.D.’s radar, and not all of the Avengers know about it. In fact, most of them don’t. When you’re sure that Bucky isn’t going to flee out the back door, you step outside and quickly make a call from the flip phone that was stashed in the fireplace, then shove it down the garbage disposal, running it until nothing but scraps are left.

Half an hour later, 2 knocks, a pause, and 3 more knocks let you know that your way out of the U.S. has arrived. Not waiting for you to actually open it, Nat picks the lock on the door and storms inside.

“You better be sure about this,” Nat hands you a bag with pre-packed clothes. You know what she really means is that you better be sure about him. All you can do is nod. You’re one of the few that she trusts with her life, just as you trust her with yours. Knowing that you feel deep down that staying with Bucky is the right thing to do, she doesn’t question you further.

You pull the male clothes out of the bag, handing Bucky a dark shirt, red henley shirt to go over, a dark jacket, baseball cap, shoes, and jeans, praying that they’re his size. “Here, we have to get out of our clothes or they’ll recognize us no matter where we go.” You head into the bathroom to change first, emerging a minute later in black jeans, a plain white shirt, and a baseball cap.

When Bucky exits the bathroom in his new clothes a few minutes later, you’re relieved that the clothes were all somehow his size. He looks around, practically everywhere but you and Nat. He must be terrified. He’s been under HYDRA’s control for so long, you understand why he has a hard time believing that you just want to help him and there are no strings attached.

“We gotta go now,” Nat motions to the door. You nod, making sure to leave nothing behind. When everything is shoved into your backpack, you notice Bucky standing there. He reaches out, gently tugging on the strap of your backpack.

“Oh, do you want to put something else inside?” You shrug it off, a little surprised when he takes it from you and slings one strap over his shoulder. “Thanks,” you smile, leading the way outside. You head to the backyard where Nat has just finished swapping the license plates of the black SUV, and you’re thankful that the windows are tinted.

Bucky’s mind is racing as he slowly returns to himself and not the Winter Soldier, and it feels like a million thoughts are cycling through all at once. Who is he, really, if not the Winter Soldier? Who are you? How do you know Steve? And how does he really know Steve? Can you be trusted? That last question, he realizes he’ll have to wait and find out. If he leaves you, he risks being found. But if he stays with you, this could still be a trap to turn him in. Something in him tells him to stay with you. He did know that other man in the water, the man who would’ve let him kill him. And if that man trusts you, maybe you really will help him.

After what feels like an extremely long car ride, you exit the vehicle and see that you’re in a field, and there’s only a jet, you, Bucky, Nat, and one other man.

“He’s an old friend, you can trust him,” Nat gives him a small smile before turning back to you and Bucky. She slips 2 passports out of her back pocket. “I couldn’t get drivers licenses, but these will do for now. He’s going to fly you to Bucharest. After that, I don’t know, it’ll be up to the two of you. I’m assuming you removed your tracker,” she looks to you for confirmation, continuing when you nod, “so this might be it for a while. I’ll give your message to Steve, you know how to contact us, but maybe hold off for a little while unless it’s a life or death emergency. Be careful,” she pulls you in for a hug as she says that last sentence, and you swear that when you both pull apart, there are tears in her eyes. “Stay safe.”

When you’re about an hour away from landing in another field, this time in Bucharest, the pilot finally speaks up. “When we land there’ll be a car waiting. You’ll go to a safe house, Romanoff specified that I choose one that even she doesn’t know the location of, so don’t share it with anyone else. The spare key is under a loose brick that’s propped up against the wall. I’d highly advise only going out together, and not making extra copies of the keys. She also asked me to give you this,” he hands you a thick envelope, “said she knows you’ll freak out, but don’t worry about it. This is to ensure your safety for a while, since you don’t know when you’ll return.”

At the exact same moment, Nat meets Sam outside of the hospital, giving him a hug while also secretly slipping a note into his back pocket. To anybody, and the cameras watching, it looks like 2 friends saying hello before going their separate ways.

He heads back inside just as Steve begins to wake up. Seeing the worried look on his face, he puts his hands up, trying to reassure him. “They’re all fine. Got a little message for you too,” he hands Steve the folded up pieces of paper.

When Steve reads what you wrote just moments before you, Bucky, and Nat left the safe house, he feels guilty. He should be the one protecting Bucky, but he put all that on you. Still, though, seeing your handwriting assuring him it’s alright, he feels a little better.

Back on the jet, you open the envelope, your eyes widen when you see everything inside. 2 bank cards, and more cash than you’ve ever held at once. You quickly move to the seat next to Bucky, shoving it in the backpack that he put down by his feet. You know that the 2 of you shouldn’t do anything outside of the safe house until you’ve both had a chance to wash up and maybe even get some much needed rest anyway.

You and Bucky exit the jet and see a man dressed in an all black suit, standing in front of an unmarked SUV. After thanking the pilot for everything that he has done, he quickly takes off, completely out of sight just 5 minutes later. You take a few steps toward the vehicle, but stop halfway. Now that things seem to be calming down, and that you’re heading to a supposed safe house, it’s like your brain chooses this moment to go into overdrive.

Bucky was walking ahead of you, but he stops and turns around, waiting for you. In his mind, he may not be under HYDRA’s control, but you’re helping him, so he’ll listen to you. It dawns on you that he’s waiting to follow you, so you try to shake away the nerves as you walk past him and climb into the vehicle. He gets in after you, and the driver speeds off the second that the door is closed.

You don’t breathe a sigh of relief until you arrive at the safe house and twist the lock, effectively stopping anyone from coming in. When you turn around, Bucky is just standing there, looking down. HYDRA never liked it when he looked them directly in the eye, even when they were giving orders. He isn’t sure what you prefer, and since you’re sort of saving his life right now, he thinks it best to wait for your orders.

“Hey,” you take a step towards him, but stop when you notice him tense up. “I know it’ll take time to earn your trust, but you don’t have to be afraid of me. I’m not HYDRA, and after this I don’t think I’m S.H.I.E.L.D. either. You can trust me.” You begin walking around the apartment, lifting random objects up and bringing them up to your face to inspect them closer. When you notice the confused look Bucky is giving you, you can’t help but laugh. “I’m checking for wires, cameras, that sort of thing. I trust Nat with my life, and she said we could trust her friend, but the guy that dropped us off here, that’s now two times removed from Nat, so I just want to be sure.”

After a moment, Bucky sets the backpack down and joins you, and you both spend the next hour basically turning the apartment upside down. But it doesn’t get messy, because when he sees that you put things back the same way you picked them up, he begins doing the same.

Once you determine that the apartment is safe, you quietly suggest that you both get cleaned up and maybe get some rest. When you ask Bucky if he’d like to go first, he shakes his head, taking a seat on the couch.

You rush to take the fastest shower possible, secretly terrified that when you exit the bathroom, Bucky will either be gone, or people will have broken in and he’ll be dead. Just 10 minutes later you exit the bathroom, though you know you could’ve stayed under that hot water until it ran out. You’re dressed in simple sweatpants and another plain shirt. As Bucky stands up, you sit on the couch.

He’s a little longer, because this is the first hot shower he has had in… decades. When he exits almost 20 minutes later, he sees you on the couch. Exhaustion seems to have taken over. As you’re trying to keep your eyes open, you wince as you move your left arm. When you pull up your sleeve, it’s only then that you notice the cut. In the rush to leave the U.S., you changed so quickly that the pain didn’t even register. You must’ve re-opened the wound when you stretched as you exited the shower.

Bucky notices you flinch. He goes to the bathroom and rummages through the cabinets below the sink, nodding to himself as he pulls out a pretty extensive first-aid kit. He sits across from you, opening the kit on the table. As he takes out everything needed to give you stitches, he wonders how he knows this.

Eventually, he’ll remember it was from his time in the war. Every soldier was taught basic first-aid.

You’re both completely silent as he stitches the rather large cut, and you notice how gentle he is as he tries his best to wipe away all the dried blood surrounding it. “Thank you,” you whisper. “May I—” you motion to his face.

He nods, and you’re both once again surprised. You half expected him to say no, or just walk away. And he’s surprised at himself too. Since he has been with HYDRA, there hasn’t been one time where someone reached out for him and didn’t intend to cause him any pain. So when you gently put a hand on his face to turn his head, he flinches. And immediately grows embarrassed of himself.

You notice his cheeks turn a little red, so you stay silent as you wipe off the dried blood that he missed in the shower. His cuts are small enough that a couple of pieces of butterfly closure bandages do the trick.

When you made the decision to help Bucky hide, you were aware that it might be a while until it was safe for you to return to the United States. But neither of you pictured it being over 2 years.

In the very beginning, Bucky pushes you away. He doesn’t know why he let you get so close, why he let you follow him and why he agreed to trust you and follow you. Knowing he’s not under HYDRA’s control anymore, makes him feel a little better. But he was warned that if he ever escaped, they’d find him. So he’s still terrified. For the first 2 weeks, after that initial moment of helping each other clean up, he doesn’t say a single word to you. In fact, you only see him a handful of times. You’re sure he waits for the sound of you entering your room and closing the door before he leaves his room, but you don’t say anything.

Of course, you still check up on him, asking if he needs anything, but you don’t want to push him. After him not responding the first few times you ask if he’d like to eat, you’re worried. You’re using up some of the groceries, but it looks like those are the only things being used.

Hoping to not overstep, you want to start doubling the portions that you make. One night after you’re finished eating, you put the rest into one of the fancy glass containers that the apartment was supplied with, and you leave a note on the counter. A simple ‘saved some for you in the fridge’ signed by your first name, and you hope he’ll eat it.

The next morning when you open the fridge and see the food gone, you feel a little victorious. He may not remember how to cook, having not done so in a long time, so you think well, as long as he eats, I can just do it for him. So a new routine is formed, and you leave a little note each time. You don’t know where the notes disappear to because every morning you also check the trash, but since he seems to be taking them and disposing of them somewhere else, you keep leaving them. Part of you is worried that if you don’t specify the leftovers are for him, he may not eat them.

Unbeknownst to you, the notes have become a sense of comfort to him. You’re the first person in a long time to care for him in this way, and in the small drawer in the bedside table, lays a growing pile of your little notes.

When you’ve been living together for about a month, you notice small changes. One morning as you’re finishing up your breakfast, Bucky walks out of his room. You glance up and give him a small smile, but otherwise just finish your food and continue flipping through the random magazine you found on one of the shelves. You let him know that there’s some eggs still in the pan, and you’re even more surprised when he puts them on a plate, grabs a fork, and stands across from you on the other side of the counter as he eats.

You don’t want to push your luck, so you just offer him another smile when he finishes, thinking he’s just going to head back to his room. When he reaches over to grab your plate and fork and then washes / dries / puts away all the dishes, you want to throw your arms around him and give him a big hug. Progress! You think to yourself.

This continues for the next couple of weeks. You don’t actually talk to each other, but you begin to slowly spend more time together. And you notice that instead of his door being closed all the time, he leaves it cracked open. So now when you’ve made food, you knock softly and let him know. Most of the time, he joins you. Sometimes he doesn’t, and that’s still okay. You know he has a lot going through his mind.

When the second month is almost up, you realize that you’ll need to go out for groceries soon. The apartment was stocked with so much when you first arrived, that this is the first time you’ll be leaving the apartment. It was beginning to feel a little cramped, so the thought of leaving the apartment even just for an hour, it excites you. And it dawns on you, though not for the first time, that you still have to at some point contact Steve and Nat to let them know you’re both alive and safe.

“Hey, Bucky?” You knock on his door softly, opening it just a few more inches. He wasn’t doing anything but laying there and daydreaming, so you begin to talk once he looks at you, “we’re running pretty low on groceries. I made a list, I was thinking of going to the farmers market down the street once the sun goes down. I can see it from the living room window, they’re open five nights a week and usually pretty late so, I figure it’s safer to go at night when there’s less of a chance of being seen. I know you haven’t left the apartment yet either, so if you want to come with me we can leave after dinner. If you don’t want to though, that’s totally fine and I probably won’t be that long anyway—”

“I’ll come, what time should we go?” It’s one of the first sentences he has spoken directly to you. Previously it was mumbled good mornings or good nights. You almost don’t catch what he said.

“Hmm, maybe at eight? I think the market is open until ten, so we should still be good. I also want to see if there’s a convenience store nearby so that I can get a disposable cell phone to call and let Steve and Nat know we’re okay.” He doesn’t react when you mention Steve, but you don’t push it and ask if he’ll want to talk to him later. You’re just happy he’s speaking to you more, and that he agreed to go with you.

The truth? Bucky is terrified of leaving the apartment. But what terrifies him even more is you leaving alone. Right now you’re the only person in his life. The only good thing in his life. He may not speak to you much, or know that much about you (due to said lack of speaking), but he doesn’t know what he’d do if you left tonight and then something happened and you never came back. So he decides he’ll shove his fears aside, if only to make sure you’re safe.

Before you leave, you hand Bucky what looks like a rectangular piece of mesh. He takes it from you, turning the fabric over in his hands.

“Photostatic veil,” you say as you remove your baseball cap to put it on. “Nat snuck it in the backpack before we left. You put it on, and to everyone else including each other, we’ll look like other people. It can only mimic appearances so someone specific does have to be chosen, but Nat’s smart so we won’t have to worry about being recognized.”

You tilt your head back, place the fabric over your face, then press the little button on the side. The mask molds itself over your features, and just seconds later when you look at yourself in the mirror, you’re unrecognizable. Bucky does the same, and in the beginning he thinks that the trick is in the mirror, that he doesn’t really look like that. But you assure him that it’ll be okay, so he follows you out of the apartment. Once you lock the door, you ask if he’d keep the key in his jacket pocket just incase.

The next hour is spent roaming around the farmers market, and you can’t remember the last time you got that excited. Looking around at the people pulling carts for their groceries, you wish that you’d thought to do the same. You feel a little better, though, when you realize it wouldn’t have mattered in the end anyway. You’re not on the first floor of the apartment, and there’s no elevator. But once you start to slow your pace due to the bags weighing you down despite your enhanced strength, Bucky gently taps you on the shoulder and says he’ll take over carrying the bags.

He sneaks more than a few glances at you, marveling at how you’re so happy when all you’re doing is buying food. He’s still terrified that at any moment someone will somehow figure out who you both are, but seeing the smile on your face, he stays quiet.

When you make your way back to the apartment, you thank him for coming with you. He’s stunned for a moment. All he knows is being told what to do. Or if he was asked, it was a trick question because the answer could’ve only ever been yes. But here you are, thanking him when all he did was follow you around for an hour and carry the bags of food.

“Oh I almost forgot!” You point to a small convenience store and begin to make your way over. “A cell phone. You can wait outside since you have all the bags, I’ll just be a minute.”

You’re not gone for only a minute, in fact, you’re gone for 4. Bucky’s almost on edge by the time you exit the store, and he breathes out a sigh of relief when he sees you. “Got it!” You wave the phone in your hand. “I took so long because the store owner was nice enough to cut the box open. He didn’t help me activate it though. Just to be safe I said I’d do it when I got home.”

After unpacking all of the groceries, you tell Bucky that you’re going to call Nat, and then Steve. You ask if he’d like to join you and talk to Steve, and part of you is hoping that with how great the night went, he’ll say yes. You know Steve would be overjoyed. But after a few seconds of contemplating, he shakes his head, mumbling something about being tired and just showering and going straight to bed. Not wanting him to think you’re upset, you smile and nod, saying you’ll see him in the morning.

Opening the phone, you quickly go to messages, and type in the number for the burner phone that Nat had you memorize. You type a simple message, “hey poser ;)” knowing she’ll get a laugh out of that message. It’s simple, but it lets her know that it’s you because you’re the only one on the team that noticed how she does the same pose whenever she lands after jumping or attacking someone from higher ground.

You figure you’d wait a while before she called you, but it’s only 10 seconds after pressing send that your phone began to ring.

“I was starting to think you were dead,” Nat says, sounding incredibly relieved.

“Yeah, sorry. I would’ve called sooner, but tonight was the first time we left the apartment. I shouldn’t stay on long, but I just wanted to check in and let you know that we’re both alive, and safe.”

“What got you to finally leave the place?”

“Needed groceries. This place was very well stocked, I’m surprised it took two months for us to need anything. Lucky thing though, we stocked up with just as much food this time. It was nice to get out, but even with the veils I think the safest thing is for us to stay indoors as much as possible. How are things there?”

Nat sighs, and you know that whatever she’s about to say can’t be good. She updates you on everything that went on after you and Bucky got out of the country. She explains that you and Bucky are still very much wanted in the United States, and that unfortunately even though it has been 2 months, you won’t be returning home anytime soon. You chat for a few more minutes, relieved to have this normal conversation. At the end, you ask if Steve has a burner phone. She says he didn’t before, but he got one as soon as he was out of the hospital. You’re both sure no one is listening in on the calls, but she still rattles off the number in Russian, just incase.

You type in that number in your phone, then send another quick text. “Hi news shoes!”, referring to when he told you he used to stuff newspapers into his shoes. Tony made some offhand joke about how his shoes back then could be big news if you all leaked that bit of information to the press, and to this day you still found that hilarious.

Same as when you text Nat, it’s only seconds later that the phone begins to ring.

You’re on the phone with Steve for a bit longer than you were with Nat, and it’s only as you’re talking to him that you fully realize how much you miss him. He truly became the big brother you never had. You update him about what’s been going on, and he’s relieved that you’re both safe.

“Sorry, Bucky was tired when we got back from the farmers market so he went straight to bed. I know you’d probably want to talk to him but—”

“Oh it’s okay, I’m just glad you’re both safe. Nat tell you what’s been going on?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry you guys have to deal with that stuff back home,” you bite your lip, unsure of how to phrase what you want to ask, “what’s going to happen to Bucky when we do come home?”

Steve sighs, “I don’t know, if it were right now it wouldn’t be anything good. The world doesn’t see Bucky Barnes and the Winter Soldier as two separate people. They think it’s one and the same, so right now he’d be charged to the fullest extent of the law. I’m hoping with more time and reasoning, I can get people to see that he only did those things because he had no choice. H-how… how is he?”

“Good, he’s talking to me a little more now. We usually eat together, at least for breakfast and dinner. I don’t want to pressure him and force conversation though, so I’m letting him set the pace.”

Towards the end of the conversation, you tell him the same thing you told Nat. It’s a burner phone so you’re sure no one’s tracking it, especially because you wore the veil when making the purchase so technically you didn’t buy it, but just to be safe once you hang up with him, you’re shutting it off. And as an extra precaution, you tell him that you’ll check in via text every 2 weeks, but phone calls might be limited to once a month. You let him know that once you send the check in text, you’ll leave the phone on for a few minutes incase they’re available to respond right away, but communication shouldn’t be any more than that.

Steve immediately agrees. As much as he’d love to talk to you daily just for verification that you’re still safe, he knows that the more you talk, the more at risk you are. Somehow, someone could trace the calls and figure out where you are.

After your outing at the farmers market, Bucky slowly begins to open up to you. He begins coming into the kitchen / living room not just to eat, but while you’re making the food too. And while you can tell it’s difficult, he puts in the effort to have conversations with you. Often times you’re having to steer the conversation, but the fact that he’s talking to you at all has you not minding one bit.

The first time he asks you a question about himself, you can tell he’s terrified. He feels an overwhelming mixture of shame and embarrassment. These are things about him, he should know them.

When you see him getting worked up, you quickly leave your spot at the kitchen sink and take a seat next to him on the couch. He stiffens, but relaxes as you begin talking. You assure him that it’s completely understandable that he has trouble remembering, especially given all that he was forced to go through. As you’re trying to reassure him, you remember the 2 other items you bought at the convenience store when you picked up the phone.

You jump up, excitedly telling him you have something for him and that you’ll be right back. When you come back, you approach him with your hands behind your back. He wonders what on earth you could be holding that has you smiling. After a moment, you finally sit down and show him what else you’d gotten, and he’s met with the sight of a blue notebook, small enough to fit in his pocket probably, and a pen that has different buttons to write in different colors. You don’t admit that you were drawn to the notebook because it was the same shade of blue as his eyes.

“So, this may be stupid, and if you hate the idea you can be honest and tell me and I promise I won’t be offended. But, since you’ve been remembering small things here and there, I thought you might like to write them down as you remember them, that way you can come back to this and look at it if you’re unsure,” you open the book to the first page and begin writing a couple of simple facts down, handing the book to him when you’re done. He takes it from you, eyes reading over the few things you’ve written down to start him off. It’s a gesture so simple, but enough to bring tears to his eyes.

Seeing him quickly swipe the tears away, you continue on, assuming he doesn’t want you to acknowledge the fact that you saw him cry. When you keep talking, he’s relieved. He’s not ready to open up about emotions just yet.

“I know in time you’ll remember lots more, like yesterday you remembered that you were from Brooklyn, and I hadn’t even prompted you with anything. Actually you can write that down if you’d like,” you hand him the pen.

He turns to a new page, not wanting to stain your writing with his messy scrawls. On the next page, he simply writes ‘From: Brooklyn, New York’ on the first line.

“I don’t know a whole lot, but during the time that I’ve known him I spent quite a lot of time with Steve and he talked a lot about you guys growing up, and your time during the war. If you have any questions, I can’t say that I’ll know off the top of my head, but I can try to help you or we can even ask Steve next time I check in.”

Hearing you mention the war, he hesitates before speaking up. “T…the people, that I served with. D—do you know…”

“Who you worked with?” You ask softly. When he nods, but doesn’t look up from the book, you continue, “you were part of a group called the Howling Commandos. Steve was too. And not including you both, there were eight other members. I can write down their names if you want?”

He shyly hands the book and pen back to you, and you turn to the third page before jotting down the names of all members of the Howling Commandos.

After you help Bucky and he slowly begins to fill the pages of his notebook, there’s another shift between you 2. He’s still not very chatty, which you completely understand, but he finds himself seeking your company more and more. When he suddenly remembered his mothers name, he burst out of his room and knocked on your door, asking for confirmation. The small smile you gave him when you nodded and said that yes, his moms name was Winnifred, he felt like his heart was going to burst with pride. Maybe, just maybe, he was beginning to get better.

There were a few things he asked you, that he couldn’t remember, but you didn’t know either. So during your next check in with Steve, you spent almost 20 minutes on the phone asking him the long list of questions. Bucky still wasn’t up to talking to him, and Steve completely understood. He was just more than happy that Bucky was asking these things.

Despite being cooped up in the apartment, you were rarely bored. It’s pretty big, 3 bedrooms, a bathroom, a spacious living room and a decent sized kitchen, all things considered you know how fortunate you are. At first, the extra room was pretty bare. Then one day when you’d been living there about 6 months, Bucky surprised you by knocking on your door and asking if you wanted to go on a walk. He saw how you often glanced out of the window by the front door, and thought that getting over his fear of being out in public during the day was the least he could do after all that you were doing for him.

So it was only 10 minutes later you were both slipping on the Photostatic Veils. You grabbed some money from where you and Bucky both hid it under a floorboard, slipped it into the wallet in the backpack, and headed out the door.

After only walking for a couple of blocks, you squealed and grabbed Bucky’s arm as you pointed off into the distance. He noticed that you didn’t even seem to care that it was his metal arm. He did panic initially wondering what got you so startled, but then he looked in the direction you were pointing and noticed a small used bookstore.

The 2 of you ended up in there for over an hour, you went up and down every single aisle twice, just so you could get a look at the books on both sides. Bucky ended up picking up a couple of books to read, but it was nothing compared to the mountain of books that you had in your arms by the time you finally headed for the register. He was still filled with anxiety, and on edge nearly the entire time you’d been out, but seeing the smile on your face as the employee packaged your books made it worth it. He may not know a lot of things, and he was working on that every day, but he knew that you were someone special to him now. Maybe he’d even suggest going on more outings.

As you exited the bookshop, you glanced at Bucky and noticed that he seemed to be getting tired. You could’ve easily stayed out for at least a couple more hours, but you knew that coming out to this one shop was a big step for Bucky, so you asked if he wouldn’t mind heading home so that you could put all the books away and maybe take a nap. He tried not to show just how relieved he was.

He ended up taking 3 of the 4 bags full of your purchases. You were enhanced and could carry them easily, but he liked helping you. Once you were back at the apartment, Bucky said he was going to take a nap while you got to work dusting off the shelves that looked like they hadn’t been touched in years. By the time he woke up an hour and a half later, all your books, including his, had been arranged in alphabetical order by authors last name.

Now that the spare room is filled with actual things instead of empty shelves and a small couch sitting in one corner, you begin to spend a lot more time there. One day you and Bucky venture out and even come home with a box containing a decent sized desk, to-be-assembled. You offer to help him, but he says he’s happy to do it himself, wanting a challenge. The fact that he used the word happy in reference to doing something, you’re more than willing to step aside.

After a few days of you spending at least an hour in there every day, he surprises you by joining you. While you sit at the chair and read, your feet usually propped up on the desk, he lounges on the couch. Sometimes he reads, sometimes he ends up taking a nap. He finds himself sneaking glances at you. He wonders how you’re so okay with this. It’s been over half a year of essentially just staying home and doing nothing. You literally went from being an Avenger one day, to a random civilian the next.

“Well, you did the same thing, right?”

He glances up, becoming embarrassed when he realizes that his thoughts were not, in fact, just thoughts. He’d spoken out loud. “Wh-what?”

“The Winter Soldier. That wasn’t you, you didn’t do those things by choice. You went from them forcing you to become him, to being a random civilian hiding out with someone who was a stranger in the beginning.”

As he lays his head back on the couch, he realizes that you’re right. Still, how are you willing to give up so much for him?

Before either of you know it, a year has gone by, and according to Nat, you’re still no closer to being able to come home.

Things are so different than when you first arrived. About 8 months in, Bucky spoke up one night while you guys were eating dinner. He apologized that you were always cooking for him. You said it was genuinely not a problem, before you officially became an Avenger and you just trained and stayed home while the team went on missions, the kitchen used to be one of your favorite places to be. And you didn’t admit this to him, but you liked feeling needed.

The next morning, Bucky approached you as you were getting out everything needed to make breakfast. He timidly asked if you’d show him how, that way he might be able to do it sometimes. It took nearly twice as long, but neither of you minded one bit. In fact, once you were done eating and he had done the dishes, Bucky went to write in his journal. At the top, he put the date so that he wouldn’t forget when this happened. Then all he wrote underneath was ‘I helped her make breakfast. Today’s gonna be good’.

And a lot more was different besides alternating who did the cooking. You and Bucky now went on walks at least 3 times a week, loving the chance to get some fresh air and feel the sun on your face, but still not quite comfortable enough to make it a daily habit, this was also why you waited until early evening when the sun was beginning to set. He still asked you questions every now and then, but had begun remembering a lot more. His notebook was now over half full, and you were proud of him for putting in so much effort. You told him as much, and he hoped that you didn’t notice the way he blushed.

Right at the start of month 11, he even talked to Steve. You were doing your monthly phone call, and towards the end Bucky came and sat next to you on the couch, pointing to the phone. You had it on speaker, so you told Steve to hold on a minute. After a few seconds of silence, Bucky finally spoke up. He may have only said “hey, Steve”, but that was more than enough.

During the next monthly phone call with Steve, he tells you about 2 new people on the team. Wanda and Pietro Maximoff. He tells you a little bit about them, but then says that you’ll eventually meet them yourself.

(((since AOU happened while Bucky was in Romania, you obviously weren’t there for that. also I couldn’t kill off my sweet baby Pietro so surprise bitches, he lived. Steve doesn’t want to worry you telling you all that went down dealing with Ultron because you’re so far away and couldn’t do anything anyway, so he spared the details and just said 2 new people joined the team. He’ll tell you everything later, when you’re home.)))

Then about a year and a couple of weeks in, you wake up one night to a loud noise. At first you weren’t sure what it was, and you were filled with panic as you thought this is it, they’ve found us and now we’re going to die. But you heard the noise again, and your heart broke as you realized it was Bucky having a nightmare. He mentioned once that he had them occasionally, but quickly changed the subject after that, so you hadn’t pressed the matter. This was the first time the nightmare was bad enough that it caused him to scream, usually he just woke up in a panic.

You got out of bed and made your way to his room that was only right next door. Stepping inside, you closed the door behind you, not wanting the noise to drift out of the room and out of the apartment through the open window. You heard him mumbling in Russian, and feared that he had somehow slipped back into Winter Soldier mode. Now you were really unsure of what to do. You experienced firsthand how dangerous the Winter Soldier was. It wouldn’t be safe for you to try to wake him up. But you couldn’t just let Bucky toss and turn until the nightmare finally ended.

Finally, you settle for using your powers. You raise your left hand, and the yellow energy begins to glow around it. You slowly move your hand, causing the pillow that had fallen to the floor to lift up in the air. You place it on the bed, then move it closer to Bucky. You drop it when it touches him, hoping the small bump will wake him up. When he doesn’t open his eyes, you try again. That little bump is enough this time, and he shoots up, gasping for air.

“Bucky?” You stay right where you are, not wanting to frighten him.

He looks at you, eyes wide, and for a few seconds he doesn’t know who you are, or where he is. But you see the moment his mind starts to connect the dots, and he puts his head in his hands, ashamed that you just witnessed that.

“Do you know who you are?” You ask, taking a step closer to his bed.

For a second, he fears that you’ve somehow forgotten him. “You… you don’t know my name?”

You smile as you take a seat on the edge of the bed, careful not to invade his space. “No I know your name. I just wanna know if you know your name.”

“Bucky… Barnes…” he trails off, unable to make eye contact.

“Good,” you move a little closer to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. Again, he can’t help but notice it’s his left shoulder, and you don’t seem to mind. “If you want to talk about it, I’ll sit here and listen as long as you want. It used to help me to talk about them, the nightmares. But sometimes you don’t want to, and that’s fine too. If it’s better, now that you’re okay I can just go back to my room. Whatever makes you more comfortable.”

He hesitates, desperately wanting you to stay, but also sure that you’re now disgusted by him. You’ve been sleeping under the same roof as a monster, and now you’ve witnessed him fighting his demons firsthand.

“Hey,” you run a hand through his hair, “it’s okay, I promise. We don’t have to talk about the nightmares just yet. Will you tell me what else you remember? I’ll stay here until you fall asleep, you can lay back down.”

After another moment of hesitation, he gets back under the covers and silently watches as you move yourself so that you’re leaning against the headboard, holding on to the extra pillow.

“My… my name is James, but my middle name is Buchanan and everyone calls me Bucky. I was born on March—” he pauses as he tries to remember, “tenth, in 1917. My mom’s name was Winnifred…”

You sit next to him for half an hour as he tells you every little thing that he remembers. When he mentions an old memory with Steve, you can’t help but laugh. For just a few minutes as he tells the story, you see the young boy he once was.

That night once again changes something for both of you. After Bucky manages to fall asleep, you end up getting under the covers and laying down. It’s a mixture of being so exhausted, and wanting to make sure Bucky is okay and doesn’t have any more nightmares. When you wake up, you realize that your head is on Bucky’s chest, and his metal arm is wrapped protectively around you. You don’t move, scared that you’ll wake him up.

When he finally does wake up, and it’s to an empty bed, he’s worried that he scared you off. You really helped him last night, and he hopes that you won’t be afraid of him now. But then he hears your soft knocks on the door, letting him know that you’ve made breakfast. He surprises you by pulling you in for a hug when he walks into the kitchen. It’s the first time he has initiated physical contact with you, not counting last night when you were both asleep. You immediately wrap your arms around him, whispering that you’re glad he’s okay.

“Hey,” you put a hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at you. “I meant what I said, if you ever want to talk about the nightmares. But if you don’t that’s still okay. I want you to still wake me if it happens again, please?”

He wants to say no, not wanting to bother you with his nightmares. But when he looks at you, he sees that you genuinely care. You’re the first person that he has spent so much time with that hasn’t wanted to torture him or cause him pain, or use him as a weapon. It may have taken a while, but he knows that now he trusts you with his life. For a year, you’ve pretty much been his only human contact.

“Okay,” he whispers. It turns out that the nightmares were a lot more frequent than you realized. When he knocks on your door 3 nights in a row, on the morning of day 4 you suggest that he just starts sleeping in your room. You can tell he’s scared of hurting you, but you assure him that it’ll be fine. You just want to make sure he’s safe, and you want to be there to reassure him that nothing bad is going to happen to him.

The intimacy is sort of unspoken. When you fall asleep, you always start out on opposite sides of the bed. But come morning, you’re either asleep with your head on Bucky’s chest, or he’s the little spoon and your arms are wrapped around him from behind.

Not that he was ever really allowed to think for himself as the Winter Soldier, but Bucky never thought he’d be this close with someone again. Now that he remembers a lot of his past, he thinks back on when he was younger. Even though he was a bit of a flirt, he was never this…domestic, this intimate, with girls he went on dates with. Neither of you are exactly sure what you are, but you’re content.

When even more time passes by, and you and Bucky have been hiding out in Bucharest for over a year and a half, there’s another setback. He has a nightmare, and you quickly stand up, not wanting to be too close when he wakes up. You may be fast, but the Winter Soldier is faster. He’s up before you even have time to process what’s happening, and he has you on the ground with his metal hand around your throat before you can even say his name.

You struggle against his grip, not wanting to use your powers to their full extent because you know you could kill him. But you manage to loosen his grip just enough to whisper his name. That snaps him out of his trance, and he immediately lets go, pulling you up and crushing you in a hug.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry—” He can’t get any other words out as sobs take control of his body. After a few minutes in each other’s embrace, the full weight of what he just did to you seems to hit him. He steps back, holding you at arms length. When he drops his arms, you see that mask again. The one he had constantly when you first got to the safe house.

“Bucky, it’s okay. I’m okay,” you try to reassure him, but shrink back when he tenses up at your touch.

He paces back and forth, “I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t know what happen. Fuck— I’ve been doing so good. I don’t… I don’t know why that happened…” he looks up at you, tears threatening to spill at any moment, “I shouldn’t be in here anymore. I don’t want to hurt you.” He turns and leaves your room, ignoring your protests.

It’s a full week before Bucky speaks to you again. For a while, things are back to how they used to be. You continue with your normal daily routine, but he waits until you’re in the shower or in your room before leaving his. Then one night, you’re woken up to the sound of his screams. It’s the first time since he started staying in his room again. Before you can even pull yourself out of bed, the apartment becomes silent once again. As you’re debating what to do, you hear a few knocks at your door.

When you pull the door open, a teary eyed Bucky is revealed. “I… I didn’t know where else to go,” he whispers, looking down at his feet as if unsure of what to do.

“Oh Buck,” you hold your arms out, and he breathes a huge sigh of relief once he’s in your arms. You both stand there for what could be a minute, or even an hour, neither of you pay attention. You gently pull Bucky to your bed, motioning for him to get in on what was pretty much his side. Once he did, you climbed in after him, and he didn’t hesitate before pulling you into his arms.

You fall asleep almost immediately, but Bucky is wide awake. Instead of dwelling on the nightmares, he chooses to focus on your heartbeat. You’re real, you’re right there with him, and he’s not in that bad place anymore. After 20 minutes of still not being able to fall asleep, he carefully reaches into the bedside table, making sure he doesn’t move enough that you wake up. He opens the little blue notebook to the first page and begins reading, mostly focusing on the words that you’ve written.

And as he lays there, with you in his arms, and your words on his pages, he thinks about the life that he previously led. How it led him to you. And he knows it’s unrealistic to think that you and him could stay there in that little apartment forever, but if that were to somehow happen, he knows it would be okay. He has you, and that’s enough for a good life.

The next morning, Bucky joins you for breakfast. Once you’ve finished eating and he put away the dishes, he approaches you. The first thing you notice is how nervous he seems. “Can— can I tell you about the nightmares now?”

You follow him into his room again, and he hands you a few pieces of paper ripped out from the notebook. “I didn’t want to stain the book with my nightmares, so I tore the pages out. You can read them.”

As you read over the detailed descriptions of the things that haunt him when he closes his eyes, you feel your heart break with every sentence. And you don’t even realize you’re crying until Bucky gently puts a hand under your chin, causing you to look up at him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry, doll. I just… wanted you to know what’s going on inside my head sometimes. You don’t have to cry for me, I know the nightmares aren’t real, it just doesn’t seem that way when I’m actually in them. But I’m doing better now, I promise.” He doesn’t add that he’s doing so much better because of you. And he’d never admit it out loud, but a small part of him hopes that he’s with you in Bucharest for a while longer, though like he thought last night, he knows it’s unrealistic. Although he’s better than when you first arrived, he knows he’s nowhere near ready to go back into the world and have to face the consequences of the Winter Soldier’s actions.

You’re worried about that too. The past year and a half, although a bit mundane because you were previously used to intense training and going on missions at least once a week, you’ve enjoyed this time with Bucky. Steve used to talk about him so much that you were always sad thinking you’d never get to meet him.

Now, you had. And although he was obviously quite different from the person in Steve’s stories, you could see bits of who he used to be shining through a little more every day. But based on what Steve and Nat said, the rest of the world still wasn’t anywhere close to seeing Bucky that way. You knew that he wouldn’t be able to join the rest of the world again unless people could get it in their heads that Bucky Barnes and the Winter Soldier were 2 completely different people. And you wouldn’t be able to go back to life as an Avenger until people saw that you weren’t protecting the Winter Soldier. You were protecting Bucky Barnes.

Things were tough, but there were more good days than bad, and you found yourself being glad that Steve encouraged you to go after the Winter Soldier back on the beach. Initially your sole focus was on making sure Steve stayed alive until help arrived. You saw the Winter Soldier walking away, but it hadn’t occurred to you to run after him. You can’t imagine if you hadn’t. Where he would’ve ended up, and how he would’ve been alone as the Winter Soldier slipped away and Bucky resurfaced.

“Hey, you still with me?” Bucky tilted his head, concerned for you.

“Yeah, I’m just… I don’t know. It’s crazy that a year and a half ago we were complete strangers. And now I can’t imagine not knowing you. That might be weird to say and I know you may not be completely comfortable around me just yet but I’m really glad that I followed you and came with you to Romania. You’ve shown so much growth and strength during the time that we’ve been here, and I’m really proud of you.”

Bucky tries to fight the tears that he feels coming on. When you put a hand on his cheek, he finds himself leaning in to your touch. He also can’t believe it. A year and a half ago, he never would’ve willingly let someone touch him like this. Now, he craves it. “I’m just sorry I’m still having bad days.”

“Bucky, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. It’s completely understandable, you’ve been through more than anyone should ever have to go through, and I’m so sorry that all of that was put on you. You don’t deserve the pain that you’re feeling. I know it’s hard, and you may not believe it yet, but I’ll say it every day until you do. You are not the Winter Soldier. You are James Buchanan Barnes. There were bad days, there’ll probably be more bad days ahead, but there have also been really good days and I know that we have a lot more of those in the future. You are the strongest person that I have ever met, and I know that you’ll get through this.”

This time, he let’s the tears fall. As he looks at you with nothing but adoration in his eyes, he finds himself thinking about something he hasn’t done in a long time. He puts a hand on the back of your neck and leans down so that your foreheads are touching. You slowly nod your head, knowing what he’s silently asking.

The kiss is gentle, and sweet. You’d be lying if you said that today was the first moment you thought about kissing him. You’d think about it when you caught him sneaking glances at you, or when you’d wake up in the morning before he did and you got to just look at his beautiful face. But you didn’t want him to feel pressured, or like you were trying to force anything between you 2. Now that you knew the feelings were mutual at least on some level, you were overcome with a sense of happiness.

When you finally pull apart, you’ve both got the biggest smiles on your faces.

“I know I still have a lot of work left to do,” Bucky takes your hands in his, “and I’m not anywhere near the man I want to be, I’m not anywhere near deserving of your love, or the man that I know you deserve, but doll I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish you were my girl. I know I come with a lot of baggage and you could probably find someone so much better than me. But what we have… I mean if you’ll have me…” he trails off, suddenly feeling nervous.

You smile as you think about just how far the man standing in front of you has come. The fact that he’s able to express his emotions to you in such a vulnerable way, you don’t think that’ll ever fail to amaze you. “You, Bucky Barnes, are without a doubt the best man I know. What I have with you, I don’t want with anyone else. Despite all you’ve endured, you’re still gentle, and kind, and you deserve all of that in return. I don’t know that I’m worthy of your love, but if you’ll have me, I’ll be your girl. I’m not much, but—”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence. I could look at you for a minute, and find a thousand things that I love about you. You are everything.”

The next 6 months are pure bliss. You leave the apartment more, not even minding the feel of the Photostatic Veil on your faces anymore. Spending so much time conversing with the locals, you’re now practically fluent in Romanian. You and Bucky now frequent the farmers market a lot more. Still mostly at night, but it’s nice to go on walks. After you officially became his girl, Bucky was filled with warmth the first time he held your hand when you started your walk out of the apartment building.

The last stop at the markets is always the fruit stand. Bucky was still recovering memories, but it had slowed a bit. You remembered when you took a particularly hard hit to the head one mission, and the next morning you walked out to the kitchen on your floor and saw a bowl of plums at the counter. Tony told you later that day that he and Bruce researched ways to help your memory improve, since the hit caused you to lose that entire day, and he said they found that plums were rich with antioxidants to protect the brain. People also found that eating them was associated with improved brain function and thinking. You said as much to Bucky, and he was more than happy to try anything that might help him remember faster.

You weren’t sure if it worked, because memories seemed to more or less return at the same pace, but he kept up with eating a plum every other day anyway.

He surprised you one night by asking you to tell him about Steve. The memories that he’d been getting back mostly involved early childhood, a few bad memories of being the Winter Soldier, and his time in the war, but specifically when Steve wasn’t there. He had a few memories of the 2 of them as young teens, and maybe 1 or 2 from after Steve rescued him, but he still didn’t remember much about the man who was his best friend. But when you mentioned one night that he was your partner on missions, he worked up the courage to ask you about him.

So one night while he held you in his arms, you told him basically everything you knew about Steve. About the stories he’d told you growing up in Brooklyn, how he needed Bucky to come to his rescue way too often because he never backed down from a fight, in fact he started a lot of them too. Bucky laughed as you told him about the time he and Steve ditched school to go watch a movie, only to be greeted by Sarah Rogers when they walked out of the theater. She’d been on her way to the post office right across the street and saw the boys run in. Knowing she’d ground Steve after he walked out, she decided to let them have their fun and watch the film.

When you told him about how Steve still lit a candle on a small cupcake every year for Bucky’s birthday, he wiped away a couple of tears.

“I know that look,” you gave him a kiss on the cheek, pulling him from the dark thoughts you knew were creeping up on him. “He isn’t mad that you haven’t spoken to him. He still knows you, but you’re re-learning him and he gets that, I promise. Whenever you and I go back to the United States, he’ll be there whenever you’re ready to see him again.”

Now, present day, you and Bucky have been living in Romania for about 2 years and a month. He surprises you by asking if you wanted to browse the farmers market during the day. For no particular reason, you 2 had slipped back into the habit of only leaving the apartment at night.

“I was just going to ask you that!” You exclaim, already heading to your room to change. And you really had been thinking about it. Bucky was doing so much better that you thought an outing during the day would be good.

15 minutes later, Bucky locks the apartment and you 2 head off down the street, hand-in-hand.

“I didn’t even notice until right now,” you use your free hand to tug on the sleeve of his jacket, “this is the exact outfit you were wearing when we left the United States.”

“Yeah, the shirts kind of grown on me,” he laughs. Truth be told, the red henley shirt was something of a comfort to him. It was the first thing you’d given him. Before he began spending time with you, he would wear it to sleep a lot.

Your entire body fills with dread when you see a man eyeing Bucky from a newspaper stand. You don’t look like your actual selves, but something about the way he’s staring at you. You’re both of course unaware of the fact that a few of the locals have noticed things. Specifically, that the 2 of you seemed out of place. And it was quite odd how you started living in the apartment right after the Winter Soldier and you went into hiding. They knew the man that normally rented the unit. What he did, how he sometimes helped people.

Before he even notices what you’re doing, you jog across the street and pick up the paper he was holding. He quickly catches up to you, and both of your eyes widen in horror as you read. WINTER SOLDIER CÂUTAT PENTRU BOMBARDMENTUL DIN VIENNA. “Winter Soldier Wanted for Vienna Bombing,” you whisper. “But— you’ve been here with me this whole time. I don’t understand.”

“We have to go. Now.” Bucky grabs your hand, dropping the paper in the process. You both take off walking as quickly as possible, knowing just outright running would draw too much attention to you both.

It feels like an eternity before you finally make it back to your apartment, and you can immediately tell that something’s wrong. Bucky puts a finger up to his lips, signaling to be quiet as you enter the building. He goes in front of you, and when he doesn’t call out to you after a few seconds, you slowly walk around the corner. You don’t know what you were expecting, but it wasn’t this.

“Steve?”

aaaaaand boom we’re in civil war! i genuinely didn’t know where to end it. left it kind of open ended so that you could picture things turning out however you want? or would anyone want a part 2 that goes into civil war? this was already longer than i anticipated and i didn’t want it to be like 20k+ words so, idk let me know! likes / re-blogs / feedback is always appreciated :)

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