#heartbreak as england lose 💔

[cityzenchick]

Heartbreaking for Stonesy fans to see him so upset 💔😢

But when he's reunited with his family after the match, it is heartwarming ❤️

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Dad mode activated ❤️😍🥰

[amberjazmyn]

already gone💔

pairing : logan sargeant x fem!sargeant reader

summary : for ages, logan's wife, adrienna sargeant had been extremely sick, going in and out of hospitals until she loses her physical battle after she had given up on her fight ages ago mentally.

warnings : character death, mentions of cancer, tears, loss of logan's wife

a/n : are we surprised that this is another recycled fic i wrote years ago for so many other people and now i'm writing it for logan? cause you shouldn't be surprised lol! and i've now decided that the drivers that have one or two one-shots, i'm gonna give them sad one-shots that are recycled until i get the inspo to finally start writing the request i was given a little bit ago now lol

remember all the things we wanted, now all our memories they're haunted. 

logan and his wife, adrienna, had planned to do so much together after only being married for just over a year, fourteen months. they planned on renovating their florida house in america or their house in england, trying for kids, and hopefully having those kids, to continue living together, travelling when formula one was in their off-season or doing promotion, making silly youtube videos together, the absolute lot. they had planned so much but now, these memories were just haunted and won't ever be experienced together. 

adrienna was sick, very sick, she had been in the hospital for the last couple of months due to intense chemotherapy, meaning she would be missing from some of the f1 races. and, it was utterly devastating for the newly married couple. adrienna was barely able to leave her hospital bed without feeling weak, dizzy or nauseous and as though she'd throw her guts up if she lifted a single finger or toe. it broke logan's heart right down to his core, especially when he couldn't be with her in the hospital to keep her safe and make sure she wasn't scared when he was out of florida or england during the f1 season.

we were always meant to say goodbye, even with our fists held high. 

adrienna and logan both believed in the saying that, "everything happens for a reason." and, at first, of course, adrienna and logan did not think that her cancer diagnosis was a blessing. they thought it was a mean, rude, cruel curse put upon them. however, throughout the process, slowly, adrienna started to go back to church and she started praying to god again. all of a sudden, the curse of her cancer went away and, it became a blessing in disguise. yes, sure, she never expected this was how she'd say goodbye to her husband but, she and logan, no matter what was always meant to say goodbye to each other in some capacity. even with their fists held high in celebration of adrienna's strength, they were always meant to say goodbye to each other. 

it never would have worked out right, we were never meant for do or die. 

although getting told that adrienna's treatment was no longer working was heartbreaking and terrifying, it just meant that adrienna and logan's "till death do us part" vow was coming a bit earlier than the other wags was and it was okay, it was just needing some time to come to terms with and get used to. despite the fact that logan struggled in comprehending that he was only going to have been married to his wife for not even a full year, never have kids with her and never have the fun experience of renovating their home together, it made him realise so much more and it allowed him to look at the bigger picture of the situation. 

"--i'm so sorry mr sargeant but, we went through some last-minute tests with adrienna in regards to her chemotherapy treatment for her cancer. and it has been found that her body is no longer responding as well as we would have liked to the chemo and, we'll be taking her off the treatment per her own request. because of adrienna's awareness of the failure of the chemo's response to cancer in her blood cells, she was more than happy to start the refusal of all types of treatment. she's also requested that you don't try to fight with her against this as she's very adamant that if she knows that one type of treatment isn't going to work, she doesn't want to bother with any other sort, even if it has a high percentage rate of responding well..." logan could barely let oxygen through his lungs as his wife's oncologist, dr callahan brings the young man the worst news he had ever heard since the original diagnosis 

"...do you know why exactly she's refusing all treatment revenues?" logan felt his ears ringing as he asked that question, tears burning the back of his eyes as he was handed a tissue by dr callahan, the married man keeping it in his lap for a moment before his fingers absentmindedly played with it as it was then rolled into a ball 

"it's, unfortunately, private information due to doctor confidentiality, and cannot be told by me. if adrienna does wish to tell you, that is most certainly okay, however, it is not my place due to the rules and requirements. i am very sorry logan, i know you and adrienna were hoping for some better news as it really did look as though she was responding beautifully. if you two need anything else, please feel free to ring either me or doctor keating up. adrienna is in the patient room and all of her tests have been completed if you two wish to leave, goodbye logan," dr callahan was a lovely man in what can be such an ugly job

he was a little bit older than logan's father, daniel and was a brilliantly intelligent oncologist. and one of the best ones out of what felt like the hundreds that the married couple had gone to all around england so they didn't have to travel back to america when it first came to mind that adrienna had fallen ill. 

the moment dr callahan excused himself from his own office, allowing time for logan to fully process and absorb the information the elder man had given him, logan truly started to break down. he never thought of the day that he'd be told by his wife's oncologist that the chemotherapy wasn't working and that she'd no longer be receiving any other form. even if it was proved to have a good percentage of her survival because of her own refusal of wanting any more treatment. his eyes burned due to the tears that he had been fighting back the entire meeting with the doctor even though it wasn't the first time that logan had dissolved into silent sobs or sometimes moderately loud ones during a meeting with the oncologist in regard to the progress in regards to his sick wife. just for one meeting, the floridian didn't want to be clutching a tissue or the entire kleenex box in his lap as he cried to himself in the office. but, once again, here he was, utterly inconsolable about the new news on his wife's health. 

the tissue caught every single tear that fell from logan's eyes as he rested his right arm, his right hand holding the tissue, against the shockingly comfortable chair that sat in the middle of the sargeants' oncologist's office. the door that opened into the said office behind logan. it took an entire hour for logan to stop crying and, due to adrienna having to take just a couple of smaller tests last minute like she did every check-up, she wasn't too fussed that her husband seemed to be taking an extra-long time with dr callahan. however, it wasn't until she looked up from her comfortable seat in the room in which all her tests were taken that for the past hour, logan had been crying, all alone, in dr callahan's office. despite the fact that logan had wiped all the tears away and gone into the bathroom to wash them away with water, adrienna could still see the red and puffy silhouette that his tears left on his face as evidence. it twisted her heart in all the ways that hurt the most as she realised that at the majority of her check-ups, logan would end up in tears and crying all alone. during the moments when she was getting her blood leeched out, when her pulse, blood sugar and blood pressure were constantly taken when she could have been consoling her very much distraught husband. 

i didn't want us to burn out, i didn't come here to hurt you now, i can't stop. 

for what felt like weeks, adrienna had been trying to tell logan to stay in japan for the grand prix because she knew that soon, she wasn't going to be alive much longer. she didn't want to hurt him, that was never her intention, no way when she first met logan and the rest of their f1 family. however, because of how much he loved her and wanted to be sure she was safe, he refused to leave her bedside during the suzuka grand prix and stayed with her all day, every day whilst the other nineteen drivers, alex especially, covered for him. 

"--logan, sweetheart, i thought you said you were going back to japan?" adrienna whispered as she woke up, her voice groggy as she notices that logan still hadn't left england as he promised her he would 

he didn't answer adrienna, as if he knew she was right and that he should have listened to his wife but, he didn't. adrienna, obviously curious, asked him why he lied to her, logan feeling extremely guilty that he lied to his wife. 

"logie, come on bubs, why did you lie to me?" adrienna sat up as much as she could as he sighed heavily, he didn't answer because he had no answer to give her about why he lied

"i...i don't know, i just, i wanted you to rest and get some sleep so, i said that to you so you would go to sleep because i knew you weren't going to fall asleep until i told you that i'd book me a flight back to japan for the race. i'm sorry..." logan whispered as he plonked his head onto adrienna's leg as she pouted, her hand brushing through her husband's messy blonde hair

"it's okay babe, but please love, go back to japan, i'm sure you can get your mum or even mine or even our sisters to come over and make sure that i'm okay if you are that paranoid. i promise you that i am okay, logie, i'm just tired," adrienna convinced logan as he rolled his eyes

hating that his wife always somehow convinced him to leave, grunting as he didn't want to leave his wife. but, he trusted if anything were to go wrong, his parents, her parents or even their siblings would tell him 

"fine! but, i do trust that my brother dalton and your sister alania look after you and if anything were to happen, they contact me and everyone else immediately!" logan spoke with a more assertive tone (which honestly turned his wife on) as adrienna smiled triumphantly, nodding her head

"okay, that's a deal babe. now leave, you need to go back to japan, i'll be fine!" adrienna smiled as logan nodded his head, giving his wife one last hug and kiss before leaving after his flight was successfully rescheduled 

i want you to know, that it doesn't matter, where we take this road, but someone's gotta go. 

as she sat with her sister and brother-in-law, alania and dalton, adrienna smiled. to her, it didn't matter that she was going to die, for she had gotten over that fear ages ago. so, she knew that she didn't want logan to go through any of the emotional pain of watching the love of his life slowly succumb to her illness. so, she refused to have logan be anywhere near her hospital room during her chemo treatments or transfusions. she knew that someone had to go and, that person was her and, she was more than okay with that. 

"ari, aren't you scared to die?" alania hesitated, the three all sitting down on the sargeant's lounge room couch, grabbing a tight hold of her sister's clammy hand as she sighs, a small smile playing on her lips 

for context as to why she was no longer in hospital, it had been a couple of weeks since adrienna had made logan go back to japan so he could rejoin his fellow drivers for the media days and practise days before the actual, legitimate race day on the sunday whilst alania and dalton took care of adrienna. however, recently, adrienna had been discharged back home due to the fact that she was now on hospice care because she was coming closer to the end of her life. meaning that the hospital agreed in bringing her home to england on hospice care as well as having her pass peacefully in a familial setting rather than the hospital room being the last thing she sees. they did have the option to move her back to florida but they decided that was too far so they settled on their england home.

"no, alania, not at all," adrienna smiled softly as she caressed her sister's hand, the two giving their sister a sad look back as they cuddled up closer together 

"how come?" dalton questions next as the sick girl shrugs her shoulders with a small smile, the shrugging of shoulders movement being one of the many limited things that didn't cause the dying girl pain 

"i dunno dalton, maybe because it was destined to happen. everything happens for a reason my love, and, this *adrienna referring to her situation of cancer* happened for a reason and, i'm blessed to have gone through it. even though i'm literally on the doorstep to my death, i couldn't have been any happier than how my life turned out i mean, i've lived my life, what more could i have lived for dalton?" adrienna smiled as dalton nodded his head, trying to hold his upset at bay over his sister-in-law 

"we're all gonna miss you, ari," the front door opened, revealing logan's dad, daniel, adrienna's father-in-law as he walked over to the couch, the father and daughter-in-law sharing soft smiles with one another 

"awe, daniel, i'm gonna miss you guys too but, i guess this is what was supposed to happen and, i couldn't have been any more grateful for the life i've lived," adrienna smiled, her voice soft and tender as music softly started to play from the radio that dalton had turned on, the song playing immediately recognised as already gone by sleeping at last 

and i want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better, but i want you to move on, cause i'm already gone. 

hearing the lead singer of sleeping at last sing that specific line was nothing but excruciatingly painful. no one wanted to even think about moving on from the loss of adrienna but, none more so than logan. he didn't want to move on, he was wanting to continue making his life with adrienna, have kids with her, get the renovations of their house done together so it was a home, and continue going to grand prixs with the f1 drivers together. all he wanted in his life was just to be with adrienna, no one else otherwise he wouldn't have gone to such lengths to show adrienna how much he loves and appreciates her if he was just going to simply move on. however, logan knew that that wasn't ever going to happen and was having to lose the one girl he wanted his forever with to then maybe one day down the line, "replace" her with someone else and have someone else's kids. and, that hurt logan more than any other pain in this world could hurt him. 

looking at you makes it harder, but i know you'll find another, that doesn't always want to make you cry. 

during the entire journey of adrienna's cancer, the amount of despair, tears and unknowingness that had been shed was way more intense than ever expected. especially by logan since he didn't think that one day his wife felt ill it would turn out to be cancer. and normally, logan was able to hold his tears back even though he has said he is an emotional person, however, it seemed as if seeing his wife in so much pain, no matter how well she had hidden it from him, it really seemed to knock down his wall of vulnerability. so, the number of times he would cry at the hospital, get emotional during a race, maybe even an interview because of how worried he was about his wife, to crying at home, to even crying on his own was such an intense amount, it seemed neverending. when adrienna came to light about this situation, she did not think it was fair at all that logan was crying all of these tears and being so fearful. she believed that he should at least get a break because it seemed as if everything was converging and she hated it, she never wished to inflict such pain on her husband and extended family. adrienna firmly believed that logan at least deserved a break from crying every single hospital consultation because that was all he could ever do when being told what was happening with regard to his wife.  

it started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in, perfect couldn't keep this love alive. 

it was true when it was found out that when adrienna and logan had their first kiss at how perfect it was and how perfect their kisses were, whether they were passionate, emotional, soft, slow, hard, quick etc. they were always perfect and they were always a meaningful thing for the married couple. meaning that, no matter how hard he tried, logan couldn't ever convince adrienna that she was going to be fine and stay alive, despite the desperate makeout sessions he'd initiate as he'd cry and pour his heart and soul out to his wife in the hopes that all of those kisses were going to be mixed in with the exact nonexistent cure that could keep his wife alive for the rest of their living days. no words or actions spoken by logan, however, could convince adrienna. she already knew and accepted that she was gone and that she had become peaceful with it because it no longer bothered her as much as it used to. meaning that, even if logan hadn't, she had accepted it and that was all that mattered to her, even though it broke logan immensely. she knew that his perfect kisses couldn't keep their love alive even though nothing else was wrong with it except for the fact that she was dying. 

you know that i love you so, i love you enough to let you go. 

adrienna smiled at her husband who had now arrived back home to england alongside the rest of the rest of the drivers and their spouses, the song playing on the radio in the background 

"logan, i love you so much my darling. i know you'll find someone who won't leave you the way i have. okay, you have to promise me that you'll move on. i love you so much, my sweet boy. i'm giving you permission to let me go now that i've let you go," she spoke softly, the song seeming too quiet as it filtered into everyone's minds as background music, logan nodding his head hesitating at his wife's request, a small tear tracking his cheek 

"i love you too adrienna..." logan sniffled softly, pressing his cheek against his wife's, making her smile, giving her husband a peck behind his ear as he sniffled a few times 

everyone else watching on with broken hearts as they only wished they also had the same healing powers that logan wished he could have to save the love of his life. heartbroken as they watched their fellow driver and best friend go through the grief of having to become a widower so quickly after marrying the love of his life. of whom everyone thought they'd outlast every single person in the room because of how much they loved each other. 

i want you to know, that it doesn't matter, where we take this road, but someone's gotta go. 

it seemed as if adrienna's hospice care was stopped after she had suddenly fallen extremely ill, way too ill for anyone's liking, due to an infection in her bloodstream that absolutely mortified everyone. adrienna's oncologist, dr callahan however was taking the best care of her alongside the rest of his brilliant cancer team at the hospital as he handed her the medication. however, when adrienna took said medication, it was always a moment of subconscious fear and uncertainty as to the side effects that came with her prescribed medication really loved interfering with her and there wasn't always a 100% certainty that if she took a nap due to the fatigue, another side effect of the medication, that she would wake up from the nap and wake up without any complications. 

knocking lightly, dr callahan came into adrienna's hospital room to give the terminally ill girl her medication, "knock knock, here's your medication, mrs sargeant-sorry, adrienna," it always made adrienna smile and giggle slightly whenever dr callahan would always try to be professional with her and call her by her last name and she then smiled as he corrected himself 

"thank you so much dr callahan and, please, stop worrying about what to call me. if mrs sargeant slips out, let it slip out, it's fine," adrienna smiled sweetly as she gave a look towards her medication that had been placed next to her large glass of water 

"no worries and, thanks for the reminder and, also, after you've taken your meds, logan could you and the group please come outside with me as i need to have a chat with you all? thanks so much, i'll just be outside waiting," dr callahan smiled, not wanting to let anyone worry as everyone, including adrienna, nods their heads 

"course we can doctor, is everything okay?" logan responded, a tight smile forming on his lips as dr callahan just gave a faint look of uncertainty which for some reason gave logan the heebie-jeebies and a very unsettling feeling 

"thanks, logan," dr callahan smiled tightly as he then walked out of adrienna's hospital room to the hallway, finally able to catch his breath for this was the worst part of his job as an oncologist 

then, not even a couple of seconds after dr callahan left her room, adrienna took her medication and then a large gulp of water to help glide the medication down easier, placing it back on her side table, her husband gulping worriedly. logan's brother dalton quickly moved from the seat next to adrienna's bed so logan could sit there. instantly grabbing a hold of his wife's paled, weak frail hand, caressing it carefully for a few moments 

logan's pov

and i want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better, but i want you to move on, so i'm already gone, so i'm already gone.

finally, after a few moments of stalling after dr callahan had left, adrienna had finally taken her medication and was starting to relax as the side effects started to come over her. this meant that it was now time for me, my brother dalton, her sister alania and the rest of the f1 family to go outside of adrienna's hospital room for our chat with dr callahan. and, in all honesty, we were all a little scared since usually, dr callahan only asks to talk with me whenever he has news about adrienna so, it only made my head spin. i was just so scared that my nightmare was going to come true; having to move on from losing adrienna and becoming a widower. 

"come on loges, we have to speak with dr callahan. let ari sleep, i'm sure she's a little tired and she has to now relax from her meds," dalton tried to get me to leave as i gave adrienna a small kiss before following after my brother, sister-in-law and f1 teammates whilst everyone else sat in the waiting room 

"okay, fine. i love you so much, adrienna," i whispered softly to my wife, sighing as i gave her a small kiss on the head and i then followed after the small group to meet with dr callahan to chat with him 

on our way over to dr callahan, it seemed as if he was becoming more and more nervous and was no longer finding it easy to hide it like he was usually a master at. and this when inadvertently made all of us nervous about what he suddenly needed to tell us. 

"is everything okay, doctor?" dalton questions with a haste breath as the small group all look in between each other before back at dr callahan as he gulps 

"that's the thing mr sargeant, we-we seriously think that adrienna isn't going to be well enough to last the rest of the day today. although she may look okay, the looks are truly deceiving and it seems as if all of her recent tests are plummeting. if you noticed, which you possibly did, possibly didn't, the medication i gave her was slightly different to her normal--" 

"--code blue, i repeat code blue room 799a!!" hearing that suddenly ring over the intercom is truly something you could never get used to as dr callahan perks up straight away however, his flight instinct kicks in within seconds 

that was when we realised the room number that was just called over the intercom, suddenly interrupting what dr callahan was explaining to us...

 ...room 799a... that's adrienna's room! no, no, no!

"i...i am so sorry guys but, i need to rush off but, stay in the waiting room and wait until i come back!" dr callahan then almost panics, ushering us into the waiting room where the rest of our "party" of visitors were waiting for us, thinking we had already been told the new information

"wha-what, dr callahan! aren't you gonna finish telling us about adrienna's medication?" i splutter out in a slight huff of disgust and fear, my dad pulling me back as i tried to get out of his grip which failed, not that i was disappointed or mad at my wife's oncologist, i just didn't know how else to physically respond in any other way 

"i'm so sorry logan but, i seriously can't stay back. i really, really need to handle this emergency code. it's a code blue, i cannot have this patient dying! just please go into the waiting room and i'll speak to you later, i promise!" dr callahan called out, fear and so many other emotions i couldn't distinguish swimming in his eyes as he ran up the stairs that less than five minutes ago, not even, we just walked down as we watched chaos unfurl

within a second of just blinking every single medical professional that you could think of that works in a hospital was either running up those stairs behind dr callahan towards adrienna's room or was aggressively pressing the lift button to take the lift up to her room. 

"dr callahan, wait--" i tried to get him to explain to me more but, i was too late, he was way out of my sight now, no longer running up the stairs as i huff and step back, my dad's hand finding the small of my back 

it seemed as if straight away, my dad knew what was about to happen and that i was starting to panic because of the unknowing fact as to what was happening to my wife at this current moment in time. 

my breathing immediately started to get quicker, the panic quickly rising in my chest as dad tried to calm me down. he pulled me down the hallway, the last time i caught in my peripheral vision was my teammates going down the hallway a couple of doors down from where dad and i were. 

"ssh, logan, it's okay! everything's going to be fine, yeah? maybe it was a mistake and adrienna was moved into another room." dad, bless his heart, was trying to think up ways to try and make me calm down yet, i knew what he was doing and, although i'd love to say it was working, it really wasn't helping much 

"that...that isn't helping dad!" i sniffled into his shoulder as he huffed dejectedly, wondering what to do as i just muttered something to him 

"play the song," i muttered softly into my dad's shoulder before he made some distance between us, his eyebrow shooting up in confusion 

"what song?" he asked softly as i smiled instantly at the thought, already gone, although it was a sad, breakup song, it was like adrienna and i's song as it related to her cancer diagnosis and her eventual, oncoming death 

"already gone, adrienna played it on the radio a couple of weeks ago, please," i mutter softly, dad nods his head without hesitation before grabbing out his phone and finding the song as it started to play 

remember all the things we wanted, now all our memories are haunted. we were always meant to say goodbye.

as the song played from my dad's phone, i was pulled right back into his embrace as it sort of became background music, closing my eyes and placing my head to his chest, his steady heartbeat being the calming cure. the music continued to play as many memories of my wife and me ran through my head as my dad just hugged me as though i was a little boy all over again. or back when he did when i was first leaving america for europe to further my racing career.

i want you to know, that it doesn't matter where we take this road, but someone's gotta go. 

it was then decided between dad and me that we would sit down as we both felt our legs were going to collapse from underneath us any second. we smiled at each other before dad allowed me to plop my head on his shoulder as the song continued to run its length. more memories that i had remembered over the years with adrienna came flooding into my brain as well as dad's as he smiled a smile that was a smile that adrienna, his daughter-in-law only saw. 

and i want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better. 

i smiled softly at hearing the singer of the song sing that line because it was true. i couldn't have loved adrienna any better than i already had done and the same goes for everyone else that adored adrienna. there was no way in which we could have loved my wife even more or even better. i heard so many times during her stay in the hospital that they had never seen a cancer patient be so positive and loved during her time of chemo that that was one of the only things that stopped my tears alongside adrienna's comforting hugs. oh and the endless supply of kleenex tissue boxes and soppy movies that we watched when we lived in the hospital for the first few months. 

but i want you to move, so i'm already gone, i'm already gone. 

"dad..." i whispered as it had now been close to a couple of hours maybe since the code blue for adrienna's room had been called out and we still had no answers for what happened 

dad then turned his head from my teammates as we had all since come back to the waiting room now that me and my teammates were less panicked and less emotional. dad gave me a small, soft smile that was comforting as he then responded. 

"...yeah logan, what's up son?" dad smiled, a small giggle leaving my mouth due to the "son" at the end of his response as we were all now equally worried about my wife and her condition 

"do you think that adrienna's okay?" i questioned softly, a worried expression painted on my face as dad huffed, his shoulders falling in a sad position as he bit his lip nervously 

"i truly don't know buddy. i wish i could say something else, we all do, but, i don't know and i am so sorry that i don't know," dad sighed with the saddest look i'd ever seen on his face as i just gulped and nodded my head slowly 

turning my head away to the empty hallway, i noticed who i recognised to be one of dr callahan's junior oncologists who worked with my wife, dr keating, he looked absolutely devastated and in distress. i decided i'd walk over to him to make sure everything was okay. using the chair to help me stand up, i kicked the pins and needles out of my legs and cracked my back before walking over. 

"guys, i'll be back, just wait there, i'm gonna have a chat with dr keating," i muttered as dad widened his eyes, also noticing dr keating as he looked over to dalton and my teammates in concern but let me go 

"okay, be careful logan," dad responded as i turned back around and started to walk, nodding my head in response to dad's response 

"i will," i whispered once i was out of hearing sight of the group as i softly tapped the junior oncologist on the shoulder as he looked up at me in a little bit of panic as i noticed his blue eyes were no longer blue, they looked as if he had just watched someone die

after tapping him on the shoulder, dr keating jumped at my touch but when his usually bright blue eyes looked into my blue eyes, i could tell something wasn't right. especially considering dr callahan was nowhere in sight. but even more so when dr keating grabbed me and pulled me into a hug, slightly scaring me before shortly after letting out a small cry as i felt my heart smash to the ground. the only patient that i knew that the other junior oncologists who were being mentored by dr callahan were working with was adrienna. i felt my lips and throat dry over, my biggest fear starting to settle in. 

"is...is everything okay, doctor keating?" i whispered softly, fearing the worst as dr keating sniffled, trying to speak as he pulled out of the hug 

"she's gone, logan," he softly cried out as i felt my heart sink, the physical pain creating a burning, cracking sensation in my chest as i felt my eyes tear up 

"adrienna's dead?" i whisper, trying to confirm what i already knew was confirmed as i saw his head nod as i tried to hold back an ugly sob that was building up in my throat 

"uhh, yeah *sniffle* sorry... she-she was going in and out of consciousness before her body just gave up on itself. the medications dr callahan had given her earlier in the day were slightly different dosages and brands to her regular ones because finally, at the last minute, adrienna had agreed to try to see if it was the medications that were making her sicker. so, dr callahan thought if he changed them that maybe she'd get better again. so, since the start of this week, dr callahan and the rest of us had been trialling this new medication with her in hopes that it would work but, it-it didn't *sniffle* i am so sorry logan...we...we didn't think the medication would cause her to overdose..." dr keating was utterly devastated at losing adrienna which meant that dr callahan and the rest of the team were even more devastated as i clenched my jaw  

i couldn't do anything else but close my eyes and cover my face with my hand as dr keating didn't know how to comfort me anymore as i blinked back the tears to no avail as they quickly started to stream down my cheeks. 

"please...please don't apologise, dr keating, you guys and dr callahan didn't do anything wrong other than making my wife happier and comfortable whilst she was in the less comforting place you could ever be in," i cried out softly, sniffling a couple of times so my now runny nose wouldn't make a mess 

i then turned around to see my dad, my teammates alex, oscar, george and esteban, their partners and me and my wife's families all together in the waiting room. they all looked so anxious and hopeful, just wondering what was going on in regard to adrienna and why they were still just waiting with no answers. 

"thanks, logan, that-that really makes me feel better and would genuinely make the rest of the team feel better," dr keating whispers as we both wiped our tears as discreetly as we could 

"it's my pleasure, doctor, because it's the truth. doctor callahan's team made all the difference for my wife and made sure she was always taken care of, especially when i wasn't here," i spoke softly, managing a small smile of gratitude as i then looked over to my dad and the rest of the group as they tried to calm alania, adrienna's older sister which just destroyed me even more and made me feel a certain pain that i'd never wish for anyone to feel

 how was i going to tell them? 

it seemed as if dr keating could read my mind however, "do you want me to tell them, logan?" dr keating then asks, suddenly realising whom i was looking at, making me look back over to him as i furrowed my eyebrows 

"you sure, doctor? i-i can tell them if it's easier," i responded as my eyes grew bigger as doctor keating shook his head and ushered me with his head to follow me over to the waiting room where it was just the group for adrienna that was waiting in there

"no, logan, i'll tell them, it is my job after all. i was adrienna's second oncologist, after doctor callahan, so, the least i could do is save you the trouble and a lot more tears if i say it over you," doctor keating smiled small, a travel-size pack of kleenex pulled out of the pocket of his scrubs, handing them over to me as i chuckle slightly as i take them from him, placing them in my jacket pocket knowing that it wouldn't take too long until they'll be of great use 

"thanks, umm, thanks again, doctor keating," i responded back with a small smile, one of my hands resting in the jacket pocket that had the pack of tissues whilst the other one rested comfortably and we then walked over to the awaiting group as they stood up with hopeful looks 

it goddamn almost killed me to see all of my best friends and my family look so hopeful in the news about my wife and, it was so hard not to break down. most especially when i caught eye contact with my sister-in-law, adrienna's sister, alania, her hopeful look killed me tenfold as i fought so hard at shaking my head no at her. i tried so hard but, the look that alania showed me back gave me the impression that she already knew what doctor keating was going to say and i was pretty confident that, that also broke my heart even more. 

"is adrienna okay, doctor? do you have any news on her? is...is my sister alive?" alania then questioned, my heart breaking at hearing her begging for her sister to be alive as doctor keating and i looked at each other before we took in some deep breaths 

"alania, guys, there is no easier way of saying this to you all as i know how much you mean to adrienna and how much she means to you but as i've already told logan; adrienna has passed away..." doctor keating spoke softly and with the same tone that he spoke to me in as a switch flipped in the group

their hopefulness now shattered as alania sobs and practically falls to the ground as i watched the way my brother followed her down to the ground and wrapped her arms around her and into a hug 

"and, the reason why she passed away was because of the new medication trial we had been giving adrienna since the start of this week in the hopes that it was her old medication that was making her sick and not the actual cancer itself. the medication that doctor callahan tried to explain to you guys but wasn't able to. in a short summary, it was a trial medication that was of a different dosage to her old and original medication in the hopes it would help but, it wasn't the medication making her sick at all like we thought it was. so, basically, it wasn't cancer that caused the death but an accidental overdose of the trial medication that had been administered to her over an hour ago," doctor keating explained, his hands resting inside his nurse scrubs as i felt my heart break a second time if that was even logically possible

alania was crying hysterically into my brother's shoulder as everyone else just looked as if they had disassociated so they could momentarily ignore the grief they were feeling. not something i ever want to see again because it was not my favourite sight at all 

"so, it...it didn't hurt her?" alania softly questions like a small child, managing to compose herself as i gulped, my hand reaching into my jacket pocket to grab a couple of tissues, one more me and one for alania 

alania should not have even had to of asked that question about her younger sister, whether or not it hurt for her to die. 

"no, it didn't hurt her at all, alania. it was the least painful death, she couldn't feel a single thing, it was as if she was falling asleep. you'll be able to visit her soon but, she just needs to be dealt with by our in-home coroner and then you'll be able to see her and say your goodbyes..." doctor keating speaks softly as he personally comforts each person, a hand on their shoulder and a handshake or hug, completely depending on what they chose as he spoke up again 

"once again, everyone, on behalf of me and the rest of doctor callahan's team, we are so terribly sorry and our condolences go out to you guys and everyone else that was personally affected by adrienna. but most especially to logan, her husband and the rest of her family. i have to, unfortunately, go now as i have more patients of doctor callahan's to deal with but, i will see you guys later, i promise," doctor keating smiled and brought me in for a hug after grabbing my hand and squeezing it, bringing me a surge of comfort as within seconds, he was back down the halls of the hospital, off to doctor callahan's other patients 

this was when it all came tumbling down around me, finally smacking me in the face that i was about to say my final goodbye to my wife and she wasn't even going to be able to squeeze my hand or comfort me like she used to be able to do. bringing the tissue up to my face, i just cried and cried, my left arm wrapped around my waist whilst my right hand covered my face with the balled-up tissue. i absolutely hated crying in the hospital because it always happened but, now, it was the final time i was ever going to be in this hospital and i won't even be able to bring my wife out of there alive and that stung. 

almost immediately, dad pulled me in for a hug, "oh, buddy, i am so sorry, logan," he was strong in his hug but absolutely weak in his words as he tried to soothe me but refused to let me go  

"she's gone, dad," i whimpered into his shoulder as my body wracked with sobs, making dad hug me even tighter as the group watched on 

it had then been decided that we wanted to leave the hospital, making doctor keating and doctor callahan aware that we were going to come in early tomorrow morning to farewell adrienna for, there was no way we were all emotionally inept to do it tonight. which allowed us a day in between to process everything and really allow the grieving process to begin for us all. they had both agreed in letting us do our farewells tomorrow and, now, i sat on the couch, tears streaming down my face still, as i became fidgety with my wedding ring, making the decision to make an instagram post of a few photos of my wife and me. not just because i knew it would bring me some comfort but because i knew that the f1 fans and just general fans of my wife and i, would also wish to know about my wife and what happened to her. 

remember all the things we wanted, now all our memories they're haunted, we were always meant to say goodbye

liked by alaniawalsh, oscarpiastri, alex_albon, daltonsargeant, lily.mhe and 12k others

logansargeant whilst it absolutely breaks my heart to even write this caption and post it, it is with a heavy heart that i have to announce that my beautiful wife, adrienna sargeant has sadly lost her battle with leukaemia and died in the late hours of tuesday the 5th of july at 8 pm in the london cancer centre of london hospital in england. adrienna was the absolute love and light of my life, she truly made me the happiest man i could have ever been. adrienna never ever failed to make me laugh and make me feel like i was the only person on the planet. i was always the centre of the universe and so was everyone else that my wife loved and adored. whilst it does hurt my heart to even think about it, i will not be driving at the next three grand prixs whilst my reserve driver takes my spot. i was offered berevement leave which i will be taking to fly back over to florida where we'll bring adrienna's body back so her family can say their goodbyes to her too. and apologies to everyone for this inconvience and to those who were excited to see me drive this next triple header and any tickets that want to be refunded will be. adrienna has always said since the start of her cancer diagnosis that if she was ever to die due to cancer or because of her medication that she would rather i take three races off to grieve her loss. and that wish of hers has been granted and as i write this post, the reserve driver has been notified and is now preparing for the triple header and i am sure he'll do an amazing job like he always does.

adrienna may have only been my wife for a year and two months but they were the best fourteen months of my entire life. she truly didn't care if she was only my wife for a week or forever, as long as we were able to have our wedding with her breathing properly and well enough to the point where she didn't need any help from breathing tubes or having to be wheeled everywhere in a wheelchair. she was happy with the way we got married and, our wedding day is a day i'll never be able to forget even if i tried. i had never seen adrienna look so happy and relaxed until the day of our wedding. she just looked like an absolute angel and just writing this is bringing tears to my eyes because i know that whilst she is no longer here, she is still my wife and, i'm always going to love her. even if i do end up dating, proposing to, marrying and then have kids with someone else, i'm always going to talk about the first girl that i ever loved because she showed me what it was like to love because she is the definition of love. whilst my heart does hurt right now and will probably hurt for a while, i know i'll eventually be able to wake up every day and smile. but for now, i'll cry and i'll be sad and that's also okay.

i love you forever and always, adrienna sargeant. i'll never forget you because you were simply unforgettable and the true girl of my dreams, sleep tightly my angel.  

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alaniawalsh adrienna absolutely loved you so much logan and this was a beautiful tribute to her. i hope you never stop posting about her, even when you find the new love of your life, love you logie 🤍

logansargeant alaniawalsh thank you, alania and i hope i don't stop posting or talking about her either, she truly was the one for me, even if i do find someone new. i love you too alania 🤍

oscarpiastri love you logan. anything you need, i got it, as do alex and the others. adrienna loved you so much and she'd do anything for you! my heart aches for you 🤍

logansargeant oscarpiastri i love you too osc and thank you, my heart aches as well 🤍

alex_albon reading this makes my heart ache for you logan. adrienna will never be forgotten and never forget how much she absolutely loved you and doted over you every single day 

logansargeant alex_albon writing this made my heart ache. and i know she won't be forgotten and i know i'll never ever forget how much she loved me because she made sure to remind me all the time 

daltonsargeant i'm heartbroken for you, loges. we are all here to support you. we loved you both so much so anything you need, we'll take care of it because if anything, the only thing that's important right now is taking this time off from driving this triple header to grieve your wife! fuck the triple header right now, don't even worry about it! i love you forever little brother!

logansargeant daltonsargeant i am heartbroken as well dalton. and thank you so much, this means so much to hear and i love you too, dalton! 

lily.mhe she'll never be forgotten, logan. adrienna was perfect and she was so loved by every single person that encountered her. 

logansargeant lily.mhe i know she won't lily. and she was perfect and so very loved 

username1 oh, logan, i am so sorry my love! my heart breaks for you with this news, adrienna was an absolute angel. sending my love to the entire family 🤍

logansargeant username1 thank you love, and my heart breaks having to even make this post and read all these comments even though they are so healing at the same time 🤍

lily.zneimer adrienna will never be forgotten, logan and i promise you that, as does everyone else that knew her and loved her every single day! 

logansargeant lily.zneimer no, she won't be forgotten lily! i'll never let her be forgotten and i don't think you guys would allow me to forget her either! 

liked by logansargeant, lily.mhe, lily.zneimer, kellypiquet, oscarpiastri, alex_albon, daltonsargeant and 13k others

alaniawalsh i can't even believe i'm writing this but i have to and it breaks my soul into pieces. as you all would have seen from my lovely brother-in-law's post, my sister adrienna sargeant died from a medical overdose of chemo medication at the london cancer centre in the late hours of tuesday the 5th of july at 8 pm. and not at all in this post am i bashing my sister's oncologists or the hospital, it was not their fault at all as to why my younger sister overdosed and i will not tolerate any comments that may suggest that that is what happened because that is anything but what happened. my sister died because she willingly decided, like she put her own hand up, last minute to give a medical trial one last try and see if it was her old medication that was making her even more ill than she already was. and because of this was on a new medication this last week which unfortunately is the reason why she passed away, not because of medical negligence or anything of that sort. 

my little sister, adrienna amelia rose walsh sargeant was a beautiful girl. she was always a happy, fun, crazy little girl that always wanted to make other people smile and be happy like she was. she was fifteen when she met her future husband, logan hunter sargeant and ever since that first meeting, had been inseparable so, that's why it's even more heartbreaking that they were only given the chance to be married for fourteen months, only a year and two months. my heart absolutely breaks for you, logan, that you had to lose your beautiful, angelic wife so early in your guys' marriage. it's absolutely not fair and i only wish it didn't happen. but if you do choose, later down the line or whenever you feel it's right to do so, fall in love with somebody new, just know that it's absolutely fine! you deserve to be happy and fall in love again, and there are no rules on how quickly or how slowly you do that. you are still so young that i promise you, one day, you'll find another beautiful girl and you'll fall in love all over again like you did with my sister. 

and i hope you know logan, that you are still a part of the walsh family, even though your wife and our sister and daughter are no longer alive with us anymore. you will always be my brother and you will always be my parents' son and that will not change, not even when you fall in love again. i will adore you until the end of time logan and i know my parents share the same sentiment and if there is ever a time you need us, we are always a phone call or a message away. we love you logie loges 🤍

all of these photos that you see in this post are all of the best moments of adrienna. and yes, even the photo of my sister in the hospital is the best moment of her and this is why. even though the photo may not look it, throughout all of her chemo treatments and transfusions and other things, adrienna never failed to have a smile on her face and have a little dance and that was even if she was very sick or tired. she always managed to be happy and still feel blessed that she was still alive and well enough to get those treatments and transfusions. but, i do have to say that whenever adrienna and logan were together, that was when they were both the happiest and the most alive. when they were together, it was like royalty had entered the room, that's how it was like when adrienna and logan were together. i love you so much adrienna amelia rose walsh sargeant, they'll never be an adrienna sargeant like you ever again. rest easy my sweet angel 🤍

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logansargeant bawling my eyes out reading this alania. this was so sweet of you! this means the world to me and more! these photos really do show the best moments of adrienna. love you more alania 🤍

alaniawalsh logansargeant i was bawling my eyes out writing it! and of course logan, nothing will take you out of our family, especially not another girl. and i really do love those specific photos so that was why i chose them 🤍

lily.mhe oh, alania, this was a gorgeous post to your sister! just like you did her, she talked about you all the time 🤍

alaniawalsh lily.mhe thank you lily and i know, there were a few times that i overheard her talking about me and it warmed my heart every time 🤍

lily.zneimer adrienna was always so beautiful and these photos truly show that beauty. love you so much alania 🤍

alaniawalsh lily.zneimer she really was lily, she was the definition of beauty and these photos really do show them. love you too lily🤍

kellypiquet your sister loved you so much alania. and your loving words to logan are tearjerking and i know just how much it means to him reading that! 

alaniawalsh kellypiquet i know she did, kelly, she loved you guys as well! and thank you, i just want him to know and to never forget that he still has us as a family no matter what because he always will 🤍

oscarpiastri my heart breaks at reading this alania! your sister was gorgeous and she still looked beautiful when getting her chemotherapy and she truly loved you and logan so much. sending all my love to you and your family 🤍

alaniawalsh oscarpiastri thank you for the words oscie and she did love us a lot, she had so much love in her 🤍

alex_albon she loved you so much, alania! there was no doubt about it whatsoever! don't forget though that you now get to carry her with you everywhere you go 🤍

alaniawalsh alex_albon thank you so much alex, you are a sweetheart 🤍

username i'm sobbing reading this and logan's post. adrienna was truly one of a kind and was such a beautiful girl. and she truly does look beautiful when she's in hospital and that blows my mind. and it makes me so happy to hear that logan's still a part of your family 🤍

alaniawalsh username i was the same reading logan's as well love and writing my own didn't help me either and she was one of a kind. and logan was always going to be a part of our family, even if it did come to the unfortunate possibility of adrienna's premature death and the possibility of him finding someone else because we've known logan since he and adrienna were fifteen so there is no way we'd close our door on him after so many years 🤍

iamrebeccad we all love you so much alania. just like logan is a part of your family, you are a part of our family. anything you need, we will give it to you 🤍

alaniawalsh iamrebeccad love you more bec and thank you so much, that means a lot and i know you guys aren't just saying that too 🤍

fin

this was so much to rewrite but i'm glad i did even though i do feel bad for now putting logan through the angsty torture that is my very depressing angsty one-shots lol. but it'll happen to all the drivers don't worry haha! and to the lovely person that requested their charles request, i am so sorry it's taken this long but i promise it's coming soon! all these one-shots i'm throwing out are recycled as they are fillers until i can get to yours! but i do promise it's coming and thank you for your patience <3 💌

©⠀amberjazmyn's original work. do not translate or steal any of my fics. 2024

[amberjazmyn]

i'll always come back for you 💔🥹

pairing : lando norris x carlos sainz jr (platonic)

summary : what should have happened after lando norris' girlfriend died and lando's former mclaren teammate drops everything and flies back to england to be there for lando. 

warnings :  sad, angst, death of girlfriend, words of love and endearment said in spanish meant in a platonic way 

a/n : this was originally written for dr spencer reid of criminal minds but now i just had the brilliant idea to write it for lando norris. i originally wanted to do this for charles leclerc but i decided against that as charles doesn't need more heartbreak, even if it's fictional.

he was heartbroken.

he felt like his heart had been stepped on repeatedly.

growing up, he thought he'd never fall in love.

because his biggest focus as he got older was to become a formula one driver.

he never thought he'd have the time and space in his life and heart to fall in love but he did.

and then as he got older and finally did fall in love, it was taken away from him.

all because of a selfish woman who decided that she was exempt from following the rules of not getting behind the wheel of a car when drunk. 

and that bitch made lando lose the life of the woman of his dreams.

the life of the woman he planned to potentially marry and create a family with outside of his work family with the formula one grid.

he wept on the floor of where his lover was killed in the hit and run and because he didn't try hard enough to stop the drunk driver from hitting her.

 ♥︎𓆩♡𓆪♥︎

it had been days since matilda lewis' death. which meant it had been days since lando had slept, ate, kept a clean apartment and done anything other than cry and wallow in his overwhelming grief. 

a grief that was unlike any other he'd felt before. this grief was unlike any other because this was the first time he had actually been in the situation of losing someone this close to him. the only other time he had gone through something similar was when carlos left mclaren for ferrari...carlos

it had been a couple of years now since carlos had moved from mclaren to ferrari. lando missed carlos. missed him more than he thought he could miss anyone...not that they didn't see each other anymore. they were still the best of friends whilst driving for mclaren and ferrari. however, he needed to see someone anyone and whilst he appreciated, loved and lived for his mclaren family, oscar, zac, his own biological family and for the rest of the f1 grid family, he needed someone who hadn't contacted him when matilda had died. and, the only person he could think of with his head in this tailspin of grief was carlos. 

he needed carlos. and it seemed as though carlos knew it and sensed it too. 

before lando could even think about grabbing his phone let alone think about ringing anyone, carlos rang him first. 

"...hey carino dear, i heard what happened, are you okay?" carlos whispers over the phone, knowing that lando wouldn't be able to fathom talking any louder than a whisper

"...no...i...i...i'm in pain, carlos...everything hurts" lando whimpered as he felt like his body was on fire

"i am so sorry carino. what do you need?" carlos says softly. his own heart breaking for the british boy who he called his own little brother 

"you..." he was worried carlos couldn't hear him but he did

"...por supuesto of course. leave the door unlocked for me lando. i'll message you when i've arrived back in england. i know you've been refusing the help of the rest of the grid. promise me you won't shut me out."  whilst it may sound like he was demanding, his voice was soft and anything but demanding

"i promise...just, please carlos...i...i...i need you..." lando sniffled as his heart continued to spread pain throughout his body that carlos sensed 

"...i'm on my way carino. please don't do anything stupid before i get to you. i don't want to see you covered in your own blood or anything, please..." carlos hated seeing those he loved in pain but none more so than lando - it was true when people said he had a soft spot for the english boy 

"...thank you. and i promise, i won't do anything stupid. i...i love you, carlos..." lando sniffled, disregarding his tears as he curled into himself on his couch 

"...good...and i love you too, muppet. i'll be with you before you know it..." carlos said before lando murmured a small, "...i know" before they parted ways so carlos could book the first flight back out to the united kingdom

and, blessed be to god, the first flight back to the u.k was midnight that very same day. and due to the slight timezone difference of where carlos was, it didn't even feel like a day had gone by before carlos had arrived in the united kingdom. whilst lando was nowhere near smiling or thinking of it, waking up from his restless sleep to see a text from carlos that he was in the united kingdom and was on his way to him gave him the feeling that eventually, he would be able to smile. 

 ♥︎𓆩♡𓆪♥︎

but, before carlos even arrived back in the united kingdom, he had to explain to his family of whom he was on holiday with, why he was all of a sudden flying back. and flying back so quickly without much notice and on a midnight redeye. and, his reasoning? a family emergency. because everyone in the sainz family knew that lando was just as much part of the sainz family as anyone else in that formula 1 grid. it was a miracle that the entire sainz family didn't fly over alongside carlos. it was off-season for the formula 1 drivers, hence why majority of them were in different countries around the world on holiday just taking everything in with their families and loved ones before having to go back into work mode for the next season. and anything that involved lando was considering a family matter but never a family emergency. because of carlos' holiday, he actually had no clue for around two weeks that matilda, lando's girlfriend, had died. his phone had been off those two weeks since he had been wanting to really remember and be present with all of his family and girlfriend during the holiday. all the photos and memories from those two weeks coming from other people's phones, polaroid cameras and other types of film cameras. it wasn't until he recieved a very distressing call from oscar piastri, lando's current mclaren teammate and then another one from his ferrari teammate charles leclerc that carlos realised that something was wrong with lando. and it was then that he saw the news articles and videos dipicting matilda's last moments before she and her car got rammed into a fence at a red light intersection in london's north. that was when it became clear to carlos that he was the only one that could really help console and comfort lando more than anyone else. lando had been ignoring the rest of the f1 grid's attempts at consoling them but nothing worked. not even the grid dad's fernando and sebastian could help lando. so, carlos was the last grasp at trying to get lando to accept help. so, that's what he did. carlos was happy to drop everything and fly back to the u.k and because it was lando of all people, he knew it wasn't time for him to make this into a whole group thing with the rest of the grid. so he didn't. he told no-one from the rest of the grid that he was flying back to the u.k. because he knew and it was clear that if lando was ignoring their comforts and attempts by stopping at his apartment door, that it wasn't them he wanted to help him grieve. not because he didn't love them or have faith that they couldn't do it. he did. there was a reason, a specific reason he wanted carlos and he wasn't going to betray that by using that to have the rest of the grid join him. so, whilst in the u.k, he wasn't going to be talking or messaging anyone else in the grid. he was just going to be there for lando and be there for him for as long as he needed him to be there for. and he didn't care if he needed him to be there forever, he would be there for him and he'd never leave him. even if it meant giving up both of their f1 seats. 

which is what brings us to present day. carlos stood in front of lando's apartment door with all of the 'with sympathy' cards and flowers of the rest of the f1 grid and norris family at his feet. 

he's just about to announce himself when he swears he hears a small voice come from inside the apartment, "...the doors open..." and it was a small voice, it was lando's 

"...do you want me to bring in the flowers and cards? i don't want your neighbours to steal them..." carlos' voice was also soft as lando managed a scoff in his grief-ridden stupor 

"...yeah, that's probably a good idea...thanks carlos..." lando mumbled as carlos smiled

his suitcast small enough that he could grab it as well as the three or four bouquets of sympathy flowers and cards along with other little things that were sure to (at some stage) bring a smile to lando's face. and just like lando promised over the phone just a day ago, although it felt like the phone call was years ago, he left his door unlocked for carlos. smiling, he let himself in skillfully, even with everything in his hands. placing everything on the floor or on a table nearby, he released the kinks in his body and straight away brought lando in for a hug. it didn't take a genius to figure out that lando was grieving and was stuck in that cycle. 

he was wearing an oversized hoodie and sweatpants that made him look even smaller than he was and it broke carlos' heart. it was clear from just a look up and down of his body that he hadn't eaten since that day. carlos worried he was dehyrdrated but, he breathed somewhat a sigh of relief to see many monster energy drinks and glasses laying around his apartment. signifying that whilst he hadn't been eating, it was clear he was living off of monster energy drinks and possibly water or alcohol. which, whilst not terrible per se was still bad because he still needed to eat. his apartment was a mess. books and photo frames had been sent flying from it's shelves in the bookcases to the floor, blankets were spread out messily on the couch which is where it looked as though to carlos as the place where lando had been sleeping. everything just looked like the person living in this apartment was grieving and, it was true. because lando was grieving. he was grieving the love of his love of whom he had only been with for a shocking two years, he had fallen in love with her over a time period from when they were kids in primary school and had dreamt and waited for the day he'd get to marry her and have her as mrs matilda norris but he never got to propose to her. 

in fact, he remembers his last words to her. of course he did. he remembered everything about that evening. he couldn't ever forget. even the things he wanted to forget about that whole evening, he couldn't. 

in matilda's last moments, lando remembered telling her that "i'll marry you one day and make you mrs matilda norris, just you wait!" before lando was too late and no one with the ability to save her. 

whilst carlos looked around lando and matilda's home-like apartment excluding the grief mess, he loved it. it wasn't carlos' first time seeing it since he'd seen it on streams and facetimes but it was the first time he was truly seeing it in person. it was the apartment that carlos always pictured seeing lando and matilda live in until they moved into an actual house. it had lovely creamy white walls, lovely bookshelves that were definitely for matilda, the lover of books and academics and even some lovely stained glass artworks haphazardly hung on the walls. absolutely what he imagined for his best friends, lando norris and matilda lewis. except, right now, what he saw in front of him, the strewn blankets on the couch, the strewn books over the floor, the little to no food he noticed that wasn't in his pantry or fridge. seeing all of it broke his heart. he knew from prior experience when they were in mclaren together that lando didn't take things like death and change in what others would consider to be the "normal" way of reacting to it. it scared lando, the prospect of death and change in ways. so, carlos knew on the flight back to the u.k that seeing lando, his apartment wouldn't be clean, it wouldn't be filled to the brim with food and all that there would be in the apartment was darkness, sadness and a grieving lando as he grieved in his own lando way as lando had never grieved for someone he loved as much as he loved matilda before. 

but, it was obvious that just having to share the space with someone else, someone who didn't bare witness to the original influx of sympathies and news of the love of his life being killed, was already filling his heart with hope. hope of that maybe some day, not today or tomorrow or the next day but some day, he wouldn't be this sad and it wouldn't feel like it is such a struggle to breathe everyday. and he liked that feeling. he liked knowing that with carlos here with him, the same carlos that left mclaren for ferrari but still remained friends with lando but was away on holiday and didn't witness the first influx of news about matilda's death, still dropped everything and made himself available for lando when he needed...pleaded for him to be with him. 

during this time, carlos had made an online order for some groceries as well as placed the flowers and with sympathy cards onto the empty and sad-looking dining table. making a mental list to let lando know that eventually, within a week maybe, all those flower bouquets were going to die and he'd have to throw them out so they won't get the chance to stink up the house. and that the more food he bought for them, that it could sustain the both of them since there was literally nothing in the pantry or fridge that could last both carlos and lando long enough. walking back into the lounge room, lando's curled up on the couch underneath the blankets, his eyes closed and a disney's stitch build-a-bear, that carlos quickly recognised as matilda's, clutched to his chest. 

"...you asleep or awake?" carlos asks softly 

opening his eyes, lando gives carlos the information that he's awake and carlos nods his head

"do you want me to stay with you and do you want to talk? or do you want to be left alone and i get the spare room ready whilst you sleep?" carlos asks softly again

but before he could even finish the whole sentence, lando muttered out, "stay, please" and carlos obliged, moving to the couch carlos snuggled up to lando who straight away latched himself onto him 

"ok, i'll stay lando. but, if you do get tired, please do sleep, okay?" carlos said, his fingers immediately brushing through lando's matted curls 

"as much as i'd love to go back to sleep, i haven't really been sleeping. it's just been broken up intervals of the first stage of sleep when you're not fully awake but not fully asleep before i wake up again..." lando sighed, before speaking up again

"...besides, you flew nearly 1,000 miles to be here with me. it'll be rude if i just slept the whole time, don't you think?" he mumbled, looking at carlos for the first time since he's arrived 

"no, pequeño little. i don't think it's rude if you slept the whole time, lando. when we...when we as people lose other people that we loved, it completely changes us. it sends us into a tailspin of 180 degrees..." carlos trails off before continuing as lando listens intently 

"...some people continue on with their life straight away as if nothing happens, before eventually, it all comes crashing back on top of them. whereas others don't continue on with their life straight away. for those people, their world is on stop or pause and they struggle to continue living their life the way they lived it before tragedy struck. and, for you, pequeño, since...this is the first time you've been struck with such tragedy, your body doesn't know what it's meant to be doing, whether you should be continuing with life or not. but, because the first proper loss your experiencing is someone you loved and loved with your whole heart, soul and being, it's forced you to a striking halt that's completely wiped you out..." carlos' voice was soft and full of emotions as his free hand that wasn't playing with lando's hair found his hand and grabbed it 

"...like charles when he...when he lost his dad and jules..." lando whispered as carlos nodded his head, it was exactly like when charles lost his dad herve and his godfather jules and even when carlos lost his mentor and friend, maria de villota

"...exactly lando. it's exactly the same. not that we saw the whole grief of charles after losing his father or jules for that matter but it was clear that charles just wanted to keep on going. i mean, that kid, days after the loss of his dad had a race and ended up winning and just never stopped. and then, i don't know how he reacted to the loss of jules but i'm sure it was similar in that he just wanted to keep on going and push through. whereas, talking from personal experience, when i lost maria de villota, my mentor and friend, i always get told that my world was put on stop or pause and i struggled to continue living my life the way i lived it before losing maria. but, i had to keep on going if i wanted to really make her proud and make my dream of becoming an f1 driver a reality. i couldn't just give up because she was no longer here on this realm to see what i'd become. i had to fight every single day to continue not just the legacy that my dad had made in his karting days but also the legacy of maria and the legacy that would then turn into my own, separately, away from my dad's and maria's. and, quite honestly, going back to how charles went straight back into racing after losing his dad and jules, maybe that wasn't the best decision and he wasn't ready but, who am i to say that as he won one of the races after losing someone he loved dearly. but, in saying that, it doesn't matter what i think, or what the rest of the grid thinks. whenever you feel like you are ready to return to f1 lando, you come back okay? and if they ask you if you really are ready, don't doubt yourself because you came back for a reason." carlos stopped as lando listened intently and nodded his head 

"but...what if i'll never be ready to press play again?" lando whimpered as his bottom lip quivered as carlos gave a look of sadness 

"why do you say that, pequeño?" carlos questioned, hugging lando tighter as lando suddenly appreciated the sudden pressure he had been missing

"i'm just scared i'll never recover..." he trailed off as carlos nodded his head, understanding perfectly 

"...you're scared you'll feel like this for the rest of your life?" carlos questioned as lando nodded his head, a sob leaving his throat

"yes and i don't want to, carlos..." lando sobbed as carlos' tight hug didn't falter away or loosen

"...oh muppet, you won't feel like this for the rest of your life. i promise, you'll get better. whilst you'll always miss her, it won't stay hurting like it hurts right now. it just takes time but you will heal," carlos sighed as he hugged lando tightly

"how much time, carlos?" lando sniffled as his eyes started to droop from exhaustion as carlos shook his head

"i don't know, lando. i'm sorry that i don't know. i know you want answers but i can't give you all of them," carlos whispered as he moved to let lando lay on him as he cradled him

"s'fine, carlos. i'm sorry that i'm like this. i shouldn't be so upset over this..." lando mumbled as carlos shook his head

"...oi...uh-uh...don't do that, lando. you have every right to be grieving her. you loved her in a way that you'd never experienced before and then she was taken away from you. in a most unfair way as well. because you were seconds too late and had to watch the aftermath of what happened and that's not fair, lando!" carlos felt tears well in his eyes as he said that as lando nodded his head 

"i tried to get her to wake up but i...i couldn't. no matter what i tried to do, it just didn't work, carlos. i tried so hard to get her to stay awake but it still wasn't enough-" 

"-i know lando, i know," carlos whispered tearfully as he held him tighter as he let out a low whine

"you tried so hard and it's not fair, lando. and i am so sorry that you couldn't do more for her, that no one could do more for her!" carlos whispered as lando let out another low whimper 

"and i know that your last words to her weren't everything you wanted to say--" just before lando could interrupt and tell him, carlos continued

"--she still knew just how true you were in your statement of wanting to marry her, lando. that's why she asked you to keep the ring for the next girl you're going to fall in love with because she knew just how much you loved how much she was loved by you. she knew that even though you wanted that with her and her with you, that she wouldn't be mad if you married someone else. she knew you had to say those words because you both thought those last words could save her life as though it was magic. and i'm unexplainably sorry that it didn't save her life..." carlos trailed off, purposefully skirting around saying her name as lando sniffled 

"...matilda was gorgeous carlos...it was crazy at just how someone like her could be so gorgeous yet, so nice and innocent at the same time..." it shocked carlos that lando could even say her name, granted he whispered it 

"...i know, lando. we all know how gorgeous she was. matilda really was the prettiest and loveliest girl. and i know she adored you lando, she loved you from her first breath to her dying and i know you two would've been a power couple had she made it out alive that day..." carlos worried he said something wrong until lando nodded his head and smiled what looked like the smallest smile ever 

"...i know, carlos. and that's what i'm trying my hardest to focus on. but then that's when it starts to spiral because i start to think of all the what if's. like, what if i was with her or what if i reacted just that bit quicker or what if i got to propose to her..." lando trailed off as carlos nodded his head in understanding 

"...what if i got to live the rest of my life with her?" carlos added in a whisper as lando nodded his head as a singular tear streamed down his cheek

"yeah..." lando mumbled with a sniffle as carlos rested his chin on lando's head

it looked a little weird picturing carlos' chin resting on lando's head if it's remembered that lando was being cradeled in carlos' lap. however, they had since shuffled around and they were no longer laying down but sitting next to each other, lando kind of sitting in carlos' lap. carlos' legs reclined out whereas lando's were tucked into carlos' lap and kind of into the space inbetween the seats of the couch. 

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a few days after carlos arrived to help lando, it felt like he was starting to get better. he slowly started to go back to his room to sleep rather than the couch but in the mornings, would always wake up curled next to carlos in the spare room. carlos didn't hate it nor did he stop lando from joining him in the mornings. carlos would be under the covers and lando curled over the top of them and it was obvious this wasn't a romantic thing,obviously, lando was grieving and carlos was the only person he had allowed into his house, his space of grief. it was clear it was helping lando sleep in his room at night if he knew that carlos wouldn't mind waking up to him seeing lando curled up next to him so, he didn't say a thing, although he did find it quite the sight to see each morning. and it did occasionaly break carlos' heart because it was the only time that he would see lando fully calm and quiet from the loud sobs he would cry throughout the day. the food situation was solved the next day because carlos remembered his mental note of needing to buy more food. after telling him what he needed, carlos left and returned with four bags filled to the brim of food that would sustain not just himself but lando as well for however many days carlos would stay for. 

whilst lando was improving, he still had blankets everywhere, he still had matilda's books spread out everywhere because he wasn't ready to deal with that specific part of his grief just yet. and, carlos understood and he didn't try to chance it or force him to clean it. the door to the lounge room would be kept closed when they weren't using it so they wouldn't have to see it and have it be acknowledged. 

however, that changed mid-way through their off-season break. it had been forgotten by lando but halfway through their off-season, it would always fall on matilda's birthday and they'd always celebrate it with the norris' and lewis' at a lovely restuarant or sometimes even at one of the houses. and this year, it was matilda's twenty-fourth birthday, she was finally the same age as lando again. but she wasn't alive to celebrate it. however, that didn't mean that carlos or the rest of the norris' and lewis' forgot about matilda's birthday and they weren't ready to let lando forget just yet. 

so, the day of matilda's twenty-fourth birthday, carlos shook lando awake carefully and told him to wake up. 

"...wake up lando," carlos whispered as he shook the sleeping adult who grunted sleepily back 

"mmm," lando mumbled back, his arm reaching over his face at the realisation that carlos had turned on the light 

"come on, lando. you gotta wake up, it's 8:30!" carlos tried again, since arriving, carlos had been trying to get lando to wake up in the morning again rather than the late afternoon and it had been working so far

and when carlos thought it had finally failed, he was shocked to see the sleeping twenty-four year old almost rise out of his bedsheets, yawning and rubbing his sleepy eyes. 

"aye, there we are! morning sleepy-head!" carlos smiled sweetly, ruffling lando's already messy bed-head as lando scrunched his nose up in annoyance

"yeah, morning to you too, carlos! why can't i just have a sleep in just one time, carlos?!" lando whined, a yawn overcoming him once again as carlos chuckled, sitting on top of lando's bed next to him 

"because you'll fall back into the habit of sleeping until the late afternoon and that's not healthy. you can't keep on sleeping the days away, besides, today's an important day!" carlos smiled, scruffing lando's hair as he squinted as though he was trying to remember the importance of a random thursday morning

"an important day? carlos, it's an ordinary thursday during our off-season away from racing, let me sleep in until the afternoon! i don't do this during the season and you know this!" lando whines as carlos' heart kind of broke at hearing that lando just called today an 'ordinary thursday' whilst it was matilda's birthday

"it's not just any ordinary thursday during our off-season you muppet! think about what today's date is, not the day!" carlos lets lando try once more as his eyes widen as he subconsciously reaches for his phone 

and there it was, on the bright blue screen on his iphone. in big writing in notification form it displayed three words. 

"matilda's 24th birthday!"

and it felt like lando's heart broke all over again just like it did on the day she died. however, he didn't cry. he hadn't cried in ages and whilst carlos was happy because hearing his best friend cry like lando had been crying was devastating. but it felt like he was holding back the emotions and pushing them down. and that wasn't healthy. however, carlos let lando get away with it because there was surely going to be a moment today at matilda's birthday celebration that would invoke his built up emotion. 

and, carlos was right about a moment at matilda's birthday that would invoke lando's built up emotion. it was a moment in which cisca, lando's mum and andrea, matilda's mum gifted lando a photo frame of a photo of lando and matilda together with one of the first letters that matilda wrote to lando. from when they first started dating those two years ago when matilda was studying overseas and unable to come to any of the grand prixs. and, the second lando knew what it was that his mum and andrea had given to him, the dam broke and lando's tears streamed down his cheeks with no warning and no apologies. thankfully, both his mum and andrea were there to help comfort lando and he didn't stop them this time like he had done before carlos' arrival. 

but, that was when a change in lando was seen. not just by carlos but by everyone. and that started with a simple instagram post. a photo of lando and matilda. the first ever photo that had been taken when it was known that they were an exclusive couple. of course lando wasn't going to be okay straight away. this type of grieving took time to heal from however, what it was, was a step in the right direction and by the time the off-season break finished, lando was back in that car with mclaren. his girlfriend's singular wrist tattoo a new embellishment on his racing helmet, the tattoo a reminder that matilda was his first love but not his last ever love. 

liked by carlossainz55, maxverstappen1, francisca.cgomes, charlesleclerc, flonorris1 and 12,000 others

landonorris matilda alexis lewis, the one who i thought i was going to love for the rest of my life ended up being the biggest loss of my life. you were bigger than the whole sky and you were more than just a short time my beautiful love. i will miss you every single day but i promise you won't be the only one who i'll open my heart to because you still want me to find that feeling of love again 🤍🪽

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carlossainz55 she loved you so much, lando! she'll be happy to see you willing to open your heart to someone else 

maxverstappen1 matilda was the best of us lando

francisca.cgomes we love matilda so much, lando. we're all here for you

charlesleclerc so proud of you lando. we all know how hard this time has been for you

flonorris matilda would be so proud of you, lando! she's for sure smiling down at us right now

oscarpiastri she was truly loved by all of us, lando

username i'm going to cry! we miss matilda so much, lando! 

kellypiquet she's for sure watching over you all the time, lando

username the taylor swift quotes i can't even! 

pierregasly love you lando and love you matilda

username 'i will miss you every single day but i promise you won't be the only one who i'll open my heart to because you still want me to find that feeling of love again ' - i can't even! matilda gave him permission to fall in love again even though she didn't know what was going to happen after the accident, she still knew that she wanted lando to fall in love again whether or not she survived the accident

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eventually, lando's grief calmed down day by day, week by week, month by month. getting up in the mornings weren't hard anymore. he no longer needed carlos to be living in the apartment with him. well, speaking of that apartment actually - lando ended up moving out of that apartment complex and moved closer to the mtc so he wouldn't have to travel as far as he used to. even though lando did adore the old apartment, he knew it wouldn't do him any good if he still lived in the apartment that he was last properly living in with his girlfriend that was no longer alive. it was difficult, of course, but eventually, the books of matilda's that had been once strewn across those floors and those photos that were knocked to the floor, they were now all packed up in a storage locker. not because lando was embarrassed of his deceased former girlfriend but because he didn't want to put that pressure on the girl that was living next door to him. lando may have just fallen in love again, just like he had promised matilda he would. 

books and photos did start to fill up the new apartment but they weren't all photos of lando's deceased girlfriend but of his new, very-much alive, girlfriend. harriet was her name. she knew of lando, of course she did. she was british and she was a formula 1 fan so, you could imagine her shock and excitement when she opened her front door to see that a formula 1 driver was moving into the apartment next to her. but, of course, that shock and excitement dwindled away and quite quickly, the two formed a bond that was unlike any other. 

harriet knew about matilda, of course she did. but it had happened accidentally. harriet was helping lando decorate the rest of the apartment. specifically the lounge room since that was the room that lando struggled the most with decorating. because he didn't want it as an exact replica of how he was living in the old apartment with matilda. that was until harriet picked up the photo frame of lando and matilda - the first photo that had been taken of them as a couple when the letter from matilda had slipped out of the large photo frame. and naturally, of course, harriet was curious. not in a jealous girlfriend type of way because she knew that before her, lando had been in a two-year relationship however, she wasn't exactly clear on what happened to them and why lando was no longer with her. and that was because at the time of matilda passing away therefore her and lando's relationship 'ending', harriet had been overseas as a humanitarian worker so she hadn't seen the memorial posts for matilda lewis, lando's former girlfriend. 

"...babe, what's this?" harriet asked softly, her voice sweet with no jealous or any other inflections behind it, turning around and showing lando the photo frame and letter as lando's faced softened 

deciding it was time to finally explain to harriet who his ex-girlfriend was and why they were no longer together since he couldn't not keep it quiet anymore. 

"remember when i told you about my former girlfriend, babe?" lando started off slowly as harriet smiled and nodded her head, placing the photo frame down as lando grabbed the letter, harriet not holding it tightly or anything 

"yeah, is that her?" harriet then queried as lando nodded his head and smiled, his smile sad as harriet noticed, her demanor getting sad as well 

"yeah. that's her." lando breathed shakily as harriet comforted him, her arm rubbing his back as she allowed him to take his time 

"it's ok bub, take your time." harriet whispered as lando nodded his head as he took some more breaths in before he just came out with it 

"her name was matilda lewis. we had grown up together from primary school onwards and then i started formula 1 and then, two years ago, we finally stopped beating around the bush and i blurted out that i had been in love with her since we were kids...and then, those two years were great but then...it all went downhill after that. not because anything bad between us happened but, the reason why we're no longer together and broken up is because she...uh...she died..." lando could only whisper the word 'died' as harriet's body froze and her eyes widened and she suddenly felt devastated as though she knew matilda and grieved over her 

"...oh, honey. i...i am so sorry. matilda looked like she was beautiful...was she as beautiful as she was in the photos you have of her?" harriet questioned, no hint of jealousy or malice in her voice at all, she just geniunely wanted to know everything about matilda which made lando smile 

"thanks darling, i'm sorry too. and, she was beautiful, so much more beautiful then she was in the photos. she was etheral but she's no you, harriet, so you don't have to compete with my dead ex..." lando whispered, that last sentence coming out of left field as harriet chuckled softly 

"...it's okay, lando. you're allowed to miss your best friend who just happened to be your first love. even if matilda was still alive and you guys broke up because of a different thing, i still wouldn't feel like there would be any competition between the two of us. i'm not one of those girls that gets jealous when guys talk about their ex-girlfriends or their girl best friends. i say that because i want to know everything about matilda but only in a way that makes you comfortable. like, let's start off tame, when's her birthday first of all so i can put in my calender so i never forget to celebrate it...what was her favourite book so i know that i need to read it...what was your favourite quirk of hers...what was her favourite type of flower so i know what to buy when we go to visit her at the cemetery..." harriet really wanted to know everything about her boyfriend's first love and that couldn't have made lando fall more in love with harriet then he already was

tears welled in lando's eyes as he realised he was dating the version of matilda from heaven on earth in the body of harriet. harriet was the girlfriend that matilda had plucked for him right from her angel wings, the tattoo that was on his racing helmet and inked on both the left wrists of matilda and harriet. 

fin

this was sad but i kind of like how it ended with matilda giving lando a heavenly version of her in the human of harriet. i may make a cheeky part two if i feel like i can get more inspo for this but i would love to expand it because i just can't explain how much i suddenly love this one-shot in a lando version. 

©⠀amberjazmyn's original work. do not translate or steal any of my fics. 2024