#heart pirate strawhat pirate alliance you will always be famous

[faggotroronoazoro]

trafalgar law would never call anyone a slur why do you ask

[laceymorganwrites]

Death dance

Word Count: 1,638

Characters: Eustass Kidd

Song: Death Dance - Palaye Royale

Warnings: so much swearing, mentions of abuse and mental Problems

I never thought I'd be so mean, never thought I'd be alone at nineteen

Kidd never meant to end up like the asshole he was. But after everything he´s been through, who could blame him? That´s what he told himself in hopes to cheer himself up, yet he knew that wasn´t true. Everything bad that had happened throughout his life, he had brought upon himself. All he ever did was push his luck and people away. Ever since he was a child… all he ever did was hurt and disappoint others. But all these thoughts are in my head again, head again

He didn´t want to think about any of that, not right now, not ever. Confronting his feelings, if there were even any left at this point, wouldn´t help. Well, actually it would help him very much if only Kidd had the courage to look that deep into his heart and mind. But he didn´t have the courage, he was a coward, always has been. And all these thoughts are running through my brain and out the door

Maybe this was finally the time to stop running away and face his fears, face his past and face himself and all the gruesome things he´s done. He was no saint, never tried to be. But fuck, he never tried to be that much of an angry, impulsive asshole either. He ran away enough, goddamn he left his mother all alone just to go out at sea… and for what? To make fake friends, to trust people only for them to use that trust and abuse it. Rather be dumb than sane, rather be numb than in pain

He was so sick and tired of everything. Sick of this world, the government especially, those bastards controlling everything and getting their way every damn time. Kidd knew that there people out there trying to stop them, people who shared his thoughts, and yet he felt as if nothing was accomplished. He hated that he knew how the world worked, with his knowledge he sometimes wished he didn´t know anything at all. And then there were the other pirates. Strawhat really got on his nerves, with his stupid alliances… he thought that teenager had a bit more of a rational brain, but it seemed that he really was as naive as the newspaper made him out to be. Kidd knew better than to trust others, other pirates like him in particular. After the whole thing with Apoo he wasn´t sure if he could ever trust another person again. He´d rather be a paranoid bastard he was now than to ever let himself and his crew get hurt like that again. But you can't see all the things I'm going through Rather be dumb than sane, I'd rather be numb than in pain But you can't see all the shit I'm going through

To others Kidd was a manchild throwing a tantrum every minute of the day, but they didn´t know what he´s been through, what he saw. They didn´t know about his shitty childhood, well he didn´t really have one to begin with, but that´s part of what made it shitty. They didn´t know how he suffered under his first and only captain, the abuse he had to face and that he could never forget the faces of his crew mates that just watched and did nothing. To hell with all of them. They didn´t know the betrayal he experienced, that he had to watch his best friend get exposed to his greatest insecurity. Of course they judged him, people always did that when they didn´t go through the same shit. No no no, no no no, I hide my pain inside No no no, no no no, I bleed to feel alive Oh woah, oh woah, I am dead inside No no no, makes it hard to survive No you can't find my reasons, no you can't find my pain

People always wondered why he was the way he was, they tried to analyze him, help him, fix him. Fuck them. He didn´t need any of that, deserved any of that. It was like a sick fucking joke. Just take someone without an arm for example, ah yes, the greatest fucking comparison he could think of, dumb fuck. Whatever. So their arm´s gone, it ain´t coming back, there´s no fixing it. It´s the same with some people, some people are too far gone already, so why waste your energy on them? We all got lost in Jesus, but he can't take away my pain

Okay, maybe Kidd wanted someone to waste their energy on him. Yes, he wanted it really fucking bad. He needed it, the affirmation that yeah, it wasn´t that unlikely to save him. That he was a good person after all. He wanted nothing more than that. I'm looking for something more

And what did he get? Fucking groupies who told him they loved him and that he meant so much to them and oh how his music saved them. Bullshit. They were drunk and wanted to fuck some semi famous person, they didn´t care about any of his shit, they didn´t care that he cried his heart out while writing the lyrics he sung in his fucking ugly voice. They didn´t care that he couldn´t rest, couldn´t sleep until the riff was complete, that he fucking hated himself and everyone who disagreed with him on that point. He just wanted to punch something or someone constantly. The last time he checked, fucking rage wasn´t handsome. So take me away, from out the door

Yeah, he liked the music. It helped him cope with everything, with things he didn´t want to think about but he forced himself to anyway because he liked to suffer. He liked making himself suffer, liked it when people called him an asshole, because yes, they were so right. Kidd needed this. He needed to feel like shit to function. Was that so wrong? He couldn´t be the only one. If he was that would be just sad. It´d make him the most miserable bastard on this earth. No, I'm looking for you outside to say No no no, no no no, I hide my pain inside No no no, no no no, I bleed to feel alive Oh woah, woah, I am dead inside No no, yeah No, I can't take it, all of these memories

It was the worst at night when he sobered up and remembered all the fucked up shit his brain worked so hard to suppress. It was like a big fuck you to his face. And yes, he did crave that too. The cold sweat he´d find himself in the middle of the night because of the nightmares. The faces of those who abused him, laughing at him, he swore he could hear them even now. Hell, he could feel them and he hated every single second of it. But fuck, did he need it. He deserved it. He wasn´t better than any of them, no matter how much he wished he was. I can't fake it, I'm trying but I am dying

Kidd didn´t remember ever having a mental breakdown, he hated that word, found it silly. Like it was some sort of game, a goal to be reached. It sucked so much. The word was for people who couldn´t deal with their emotions. He could, he knew he had them and in the instance he did, he did his best to bury them as deep as possible. That was how this worked, wasn´t it? I just want to, oh just be myself I have tried to, but now I am someone else

Kidd asked himself many times when the exact moment was that he failed so much at being a decent human being. He was hardly human these days. No matter how much he tried to think about it, he couldn´t pinpoint it. It was more like the mass of moments and their amount led to the disaster of a chaotic mess he was now. No no, no no no, so please be kind No no, no no, I'm losing my mind No no, no no, I'm really not fine Oh... I'm really not fine

Did Eustass Kidd deserve forgiveness and kindness? The answer to that question depended on his daily mood, sometimes he felt so much like shit that he wanted to believe in the lie so so badly. But on other days the question was just laughable, of course he didn´t. He was a dirty pirate for fuck´s sake. We live in an age where sex and horrors are gods We live in an age where all of our bodies are flawed We live in an age where sex and horrors are gods We live in an age, we live in an age We live in an age where sex and horrors are gods We live in an age where all of our bodies are flawed We live in an age where all of our bodies are flawed, are flawed, no

The fucking after a show didn´t have meaning, nor did the one night stands or people looking at him with those eyes, already undressing him in their minds. He didn´t mind it, he didn´t mind the attention he got in the moment. Kidd liked feeling wanted, he wanted nothing more than that. Only that he mistook want for love. And rationally he knew he was too ugly to love, hell he was even too ugly to fuck, people were just too drunk to notice that. No, I can't take it, all of these memories I can't fake it, I'm trying but I am dying I just want to, oh just be myself I have tried to, but now I am someone else