#healing joruney

[thinkpink212]

Teach yourself the things your parents failed to teach you.

[talk-to-themoon]

I walked by you the other day and my stomach dropped. You have the same scent as you did 3 years ago.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

haul 1/15/24

[witchcraftandburialdirt]

do they enjoy silence or find it too loud?

do they have anyone they consider their enemy?  what did they do to gain that title?

what’s the first major event they remember in their life?

what do they consider their worst habit? 

for robibi

IMPORTANT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT QUESTIONS ═══ LEAGUE VERSE ═══

⎯⎯⎯⎯ Do they enjoy silence or find it too loud?

The Ionian woods are rarely silent, and Robin prefers the constant chitter of birds, cicadas, and the bubbling swirls of the stream beside his home. He often speaks to the plants, to the animals, and even to himself and Bel in order to pass some of the time since he's constantly working and doesn't have a lot of social interaction. He has to keep his mind sharp, and if that means playing chess with himself he will do it. That being said! While he enjoys this sort of noise he still, even after all of this time, gets overwhelmed when surrounded by too many people and rabble. And as in life:

Despite his high level of charisma and easy sociability he doesn’t usually interact with people in his spare time, preferring to skulk around by himself. - Carrd

⎯⎯⎯⎯ Do they have anyone they consider their enemy?  what did they do to gain that title?

Amazingly no. You think he would due to his dealings within Zaun but he is dead to them and has found quite a bit of peace (and maybe some quiet, simmering madness too) within the wilderness. Most poeple that come to his garden and home do not bother him to the point of being an enemy and he has even been known to assist lost Noxians. That being said he does think Swain is a jackass - but that comes from his leftover bitterness from the war; he's never met the man in person, but I imagine if he has the chance to end the aggression towards Ionia he would finally actually commit a murder.

⎯⎯⎯⎯ What’s the first major event they remember in their life?

He has a very distinct memory of the first time he road a bike and caused the scar on his upper lip, which you can read here!

He also remembers the day in which his brother and sister were born, which you can read here!

⎯⎯⎯⎯ What do they consider their worst habit? 

On his joruney of healing, Robin consistently finds himself falling into bad habits that he cannot seem to break; one of these, and what he considers the worst (granted he'll never stop) is his inability to stop working. He overworks himself consistently with little to no breaks because he feels that his purpose lies in whatever he's doing. This is especially shown in modern, but even within the deep Ionian wilderness he's cultivating land, making medicine, caring for animals etc --and it is something he does nearly 24/7 since he does not sleep.

[acountryinmourning]

Hravart: A diplomat’s joruney

I am Hravart Angelique Moreau, a child of two glorious nations: Ašan of brightness and truth and the beautiful Terre d’Ange. It came to pass as I was nearing the twenty-sixth year (of my thousandth life, all of which had been glorious and great) that I was called upon by the highest and noblest of the former to serve the troubled court of the latter.

Yes, the Mobedān Mobed himself, Priest of Priests, most righteous among the righteous, wisest among the wise, keeper of the purest flame, visited me as I was studying the sacred texts.

“Most beautiful, most cunning Hravart”, he cried, “You alone can aid the people of your father in their time of need. Their king is sick and dying. You have averted thirteen wars with your wise counsel, and healed the hearts of a thousand mourners with the sweetness of your song. As a d’Angeline saved our troubled nation, now you, a child of both peoples, shall save Terre d’Ange and pay our debt of honour.”

And so, to the great sorrow of my countrymen, I have departed, bearing a ring of gold set with the largest of Ašan‘s diamonds, upon which was engraved the winged Faravahar. With me went two hundred of the finest horses, seventy and seven peacocks, thirty chests of glorious gifts and three thousand valiant soldiers to guard my perilous journey...(...)

[pxakon]

January 20th, 2020 - A Day Spent with Dad

i am seeing my abusive father today because i love him and still strongly crave his validation. spending more than 2 hours with him at a time causes me to dissociate and regress back to how my brain functioned during the trauma and it causes me immense pain and grief.

i am angry that i still love my father. i am annoyed that i care for him and feel that i need to spend time with him. i know what will likely occur as a result but it does not deter me.

he will never be my father. he will never have empathy or emotion for me in the way that i need and i know this. the clinging to the idea and hope that if i do enough, am enough, that i can convince him to treat me with love is still a part of my brain.

i have recently accepted and come to terms with the full gravity of my abusive childhood and it has made me much more aware of when i am instinctively analyzing his reactions and responses in order to contort to his requirements for acceptance.

i am separate. the strong need for validation from him has existed since the beginning of my life, but he is not my parent, and is not a measure of my worth any longer.

he is a sociopath. he is incapable of emotional connection or filling the role of a trusted, loving adult role model. it is not my fault. there is nothing i could have done to prevent what has happened or what will happen. these things are not my fault. my brain has developed these habits to survive him and they can not go away as quickly as i wish them to.

it is not abnormal for me to still wish for a father. it is not abnormal for me to want him to love and cherish me. he CAN NOT give me what i want and he will never change the way he treats or speaks to me.

i am going to go into this experience with the mantra in mind,

“ i am separate. i am raising myself. he is no longer a measure of my worth. i am a human being. he will not give me what i need and that is not my fault. “

i will accept the old behaviors, thoughts and emotions that appear during the time i spend with him because they are not my fault. i am healing and i am working on growing into a healthy version of myself and this difficult journey takes time and pain and growth and patience.

i wanted to vent about my anxieties and depression around my continued relationship with this man in hopes of allowing myself to feel the pain that i am feeling, to view us as separate people with our own pain and our own worth disconnected from what we give each other.

i can learn from the time i spend with him. i can learn to face what i have been misled to believe is healthy and expected so that i can make further peace with what i have gone through and how it affects me today. it will not be easy or full of unending joy but it is what i choose today for i love him and want to learn what i can from who he is.

I am separate.

I am raising myself.

He is no longer a measure of my worth.

I am a human being.

He will not give me what I need and that is not my fault.

[elitaxne]

                                                     ❛ EYES FORWARD ❜

♔. }

      Cool cerulean hues flicker up from her data pad at the gently fleeting contact made to her pede. Immediate thoughts assume it to be Kaal, who had been playing with his own toys for a good portion of the afternoon, but a quick glance to her side instead found his slumbering frame perfectly content in the sunlight, unfazed completely by the world around him. An incredible guard dog truly, recharging on the job…

An amused vent quietly escaped past parted lip components, and with a shake of her helm her gaze wandered from the resting pup to the colourful ball just ahead, then to the awaiting group of younglings watching her intently. There came a long pause from both ends at the acknowledgement, and for a moment she wondered when they had arrived. She had been here for near hours and hadn’t noticed the cluster until now... then again, her thoughts had been focused on reviewing policies, audials long since tuning out the white noise of a bustling city past the courtyard’s walls. Hm.

The timidness displayed in their half hidden frames, peeking out from behind the largest of the bunch elicited a small tugging in her spark, and the softest smile curving over her features. All she could do was remain still, quietly watching them just as they watched her; each recognizing the other’s presence yet neither quite wanting to make the first move forwards, to bridge that connection.

There had been a time when just the sight of a youngling would send her into a spiralling depressive state, violent and agonizing, but now... there remained only peace, and a subtle fondness, even a WANTING DESIRE to be closer. To test those waters again and wade in the calmed waves like she had longed to do that long while ago. She had made her troubling joruney, stumbling and fighting all the while, and now having reached the end --- a new light, and a new chapter could be felt.

As though she had been trapped in a dark tunnel, now stepping into the white rays light for the first time, a warmth and adoration came over her, and the partial smile now spread to a brighter one; rivalling that of the sun, she were sure of it.

It had taken months to feel this ease, to allow herself time to heal and grow stronger in the process, and now... those same stirrings, the stirrings that had felt so alien and distant had slowly crept back into her consciousness, filling her spark with the yearning and craving once more. Every night she had lay awake int he darkness wondering if that door could be opened again after having been locked for so long, and in the pit of her spark still harboured UNCERTAINTY; a fear of the unknown, and what if’s.

Such had always been her largest vice, a constant pursuit to know all she could and leave nothing to chance, to have the answers, and deal in absolutes... but life did not operate according to those plans. Life was unpredictable, life was impulsive, life was constantly changing --- that too was something she had started to make peace with, but that road hadn’t yet met its end, and a part of her knew that perhaps it never would.

Elita set aside the data pad, briefly stirring the houndling from his deep dreamlike state for only a few seconds, his helm canting up to watch her then lazily returning to bliss. And as she carefully rose from the bench and knelt to the ball the younglings whispered and gasped amongst themselves, none of them daring to make a move closer.

They knew who she was, they had heard stories from their guardians and seen her in the courtyard before, seen her on their console’s and in pictures. In hushed whispers behind closed doors they had heard of the tales, of the news that had plagued Cybertron and stemmed from the femme, yet they couldn’t understand --- a subject beyond their comprehension that spoke of great loss, an insurmountable pain unimaginable to such a pure and new life.

They had been warned not to bother her, not to go near her, not to disturb her... and yet they had done just that. They had disobeyed despite their best intentions, and now they waited with bated breath, tiny frames trembling as the torturous seconds ticked away --- hoping, praying the stories and half-muted words overhead from their Sire’s and Carrier’s would never come to fruition.

But... what would she do in turn? The femme who had fought alongside the great Optimus Prime, the femme who was known for ruthlessness, the femme who could be so cold but warm at the same time, the femme who everyone knew by name and face, yet like an ocean everything beneath the surface remained a MYSTERY. The walking enigma, as terrifying as she was beautiful, like that of a cataclysmic storm, in her presence one could only watch in awe of the greatest contradiction that ever existed.

Slender alabaster digits curled around the ball which now appeared almost comically small so close to her large frame. The gentleness of her hold showed no aggression, and she held it out to them slowly, optics glancing over their features with a soft, trusting expression, voice so smooth it nearly sounded like a lullaby.

❝ Is this yours? ❞ she asked with a hum, addressing the youngling standing at the head of the group ( volunteered by their peers to be the spokesman no doubt ). Her helm tilted to the side curiously, venting in quiet amusement as the bitlet nodded sheepishly. Elita smiled again, rolling the ball over to them who quickly picked it up, clutching it close to his tiny chassis.

❝ Th-Thank you, Ma’am...❞ the little mechling peeped, fascia heating to a flushed rose tinge. The other three or so bitlets giggled shyly, whispering amongst themselves; what exactly they were discussing out of audial range and unknown to her, though she had a few guesses...

From behind a sudden half-hearted squeak sounded, and all optics turned back to the pup slowly waking from recharge. Elita had left his side and taken a portion of the warmth with her, and now having seen her with tinier mecha... well, that was an opportunity for more attention he couldn’t pass up. The tiny fluffy tail wagged madly as he sat up, wriggling on the edge of the bench yet not quite sure if he could stick the landing or not, so simply hovered eagerly.

Cerulean hues peeked back to catch the collective gazes of the younglings, watching the pup with bright smiles and a flurry of giggles ( to which he responded with another squeak and panting vents ).

❝ Would you like to pet him? He loves making new friends... ❞ Elita hummed, playing off a hunch and knowing even before they responded what the answer would be.

Tiny helms bobbed up and down tentatively making their way to the bench, and Elita eased back, snatching the excited pup from the bench and setting him on the ground, the connected lead held in a careful servo. Light pedefalls drew the handful of younglings closer still until they gathered around her with wide grins, optics unwavering from the houndling. Her larger servo rubbed and patted at Kaal’s helm and behind floppy audial coverings, demonstrating wordlessly how best to approach the new venture.

❝ Gentle--- ❞ she commanded softly, to which he followed perfectly; calming himself enough to sit relatively still and accept the much smaller servos that travelled from his helm and along his back, exploring the fuzzy surface of the equally young creature. And as the bitlet’s each patted and rubbed his frame, his tail swept madly behind him, helm leaning further into the touches and quiet happy squeaks rumbling from the forming vocoder.

Laughter and squeals from the younglings met her audials, and all she could hear was sweet music, the smile on her faceplates growing more and more as she watched the interactions.

❝ What’s his name? ❞ a femmeling chirped, then giggled as she received a lick from the pup.

❝ Kaal, ❞ Elita replied, loosening her hold on the lead so it fell to the side.

❝ Is he... is he still a youngling? ❞ Another asked, nuzzling their helm to the side of the pup’s, who returned the affection in kind.

❝ Yes... he isn’t very old at all --- are you, Kaal? ❞ she hummed again, and Kaal squeaked. Yes, he was still very little, but he had started growing! The pup wriggled again licking awaiting fascia excitedly --- yet no less GENTLY, as he had been commanded --- and garnering more giggles and squeals.

❝ Ahhh !! He got me all sticky !! ❞ the femmeling giggled, wiping at smooth faceplating now stained with puppy kisses. The other bitlets giggled, taking turns upon receiving kisses and petting floppy audials.

❝ Here, would you like a rag instead? ❞ Elita offered, holding out a clean swatch for the femmeling, who nodded thankfully as she took the rag, and wiped away the slobber. Soon, the rest each asked for the rag as well, and they took turns passing it around between licks from the pup and excitable laughter. Some even confided in her that they wanted a houndling too, but their Sire or Carrier said no. Elita sympathized greatly, assuring they could come play with Kaal whenever they were in the courtyard... with their guardian’s permission, of course.

                                                          Speaking of which---

❝ By the All-Spark, WHAT did I say about bothering the Councillor? ❞ a sudden voice called over, followed by hurried pede-falls from the courtyard’s entrance. The bitlets immediately scampered away from the houndling, but only went so far, still wanting to pet the soft fur and scratch floppy audials. ❝ Ma’am, I am... I am so, so sorry. Please, forgive them... they know they’re not suppose to--- ❞

❝ There is no need to apologize. Really, I should be the one to extend the sentiment... I asked if they had wanted to meet him, ❞ Elita started, still on her knees with a disappointed houndling seated in her lap.

A slender servo came to massage his helm, sating the otherwise mild sadness, to which he enjoyed greatly. But, it only lasted so long before she slowly rose, now TOWERING over the other mecha ( as was normally the case ) with Kaal obediently waiting at the side of her pede’s, though his focus remained on the younglings, who in turned were still staring back.

The other mecha vented in obvious relief. Thank the Primes, his progeny hadn’t been the ones to instigate the event, ❝ I.... Thank you, Ma’am... You --- You are too kind, truly, ❞ Optics flicked over to the group, helm nodding in the direction from which he had appeared.

❝ It’s time for Energon, little lights. How about we leave the nice Councillor to her afternoon now...? ❞ he coaxed, and begrudgingly the younglings complied ( though not without a few grumbles and ‘aww’s’ ).

Tiny servos waved good bye to Elita, and even called back farewell’s to Kaal with the promise to see him later. Elita nodded her helm, giving a small wave of her own as the tiny frames scurried to the exit with their ball in hand, giggling and laughing until they were out of range.

❝ I --- uh --- thank you again.... Ma’am, ❞ the mecha smiled, nodding their helm as a customary servo held out towards her ( though however hesitantly --- was he allowed to even touch her? He wasn’t sure. ) Not to mention, he and his family had intruded on her afternoon enough as is, no sense keeping her any longer. She was a busy femme after all...

❝ Elita, please--- And it was my pleasure, they each made for lovely company, ❞ she replied, taking his servo and giving it a forceful shake, to which he reciprocated. She really was as strong as she had been said to be... really, it was no surprise though given who she had mated with... but that was a thought he wouldn’t DARE share out loud, it would be saved for his own partner.

❝ Ma---- Elita, then, of course. Thank you, H-Have a good evening... ❞ he chuckled, releasing her servo and nodding in dismissal, taking a few more steps back as optics darted from the Councillor to the pup and back; not quite sure where to look, or if it were appropriate to GAWK.

❝ You as well, ❞ she responded courteously, a small nod of her helm granting silent approval for his leave. Hurried pede falls followed in the direction of his kin undoubtedly waiting at the lifts with the promise of sweets.

Once alone Elita sighed, seating herself again on the bench and dropped the lead for Kaal to join her, within seconds he had bounded up and nestled back in his napping spot.

❝ Lovely company... ❞ she quietly repeated to herself, optics glancing back over to the entrance in hopes they’d return, yet found only the empty threshold. Denta bit at her lower lip component at the familiar pang culminating within the depths of her spark. She had nearly forgotten how small younglings could be... how sweet their laughter sounded, how tiny their servos were, and how bright their optics cold shine...

As if on command Kaal whimpered, nudging her closest servo with his snout, still wet from kisses. Cerulean hues fell to the pup, servo lifting to allow him passage to her lap, and he in kind curled on top of it, nestled taut to her fuchsia plating, large optics peering back up at her expectantly. There was something on her mind, something indistinguishable floating and clouding her EM Field... but it wasn’t out of sadness, he had come to determine that feeling all too well from her, no it was something quite the opposite... something HOPEFUL, maybe...

❝ What do you think, Kaal...? Have room in your spark for one more? ❞ she finally asked, meeting the houndling’s gaze with a longing smile as servos again rubbed behind floppy audial coverings. Kaal squeaked, leaning into the touch and licking at her digits. Yes, definitely!

Elita chuckled lightly, continuing her attentions to the tiny helm as the pup slowly eased back into recharge.

                                                           ❝ Me too. ❞

[lovejewels16-blog]

Things that Bother Me About People Who Know Nothing about Rape and the effects of Rape

Things that Bother Me About People Who Know Nothing about Rape and the effects of Rape #listen #truth #MST #PTSD

When some one comments on this blog and asks me where I am getting my information, I have to wonder if that person has even bothered to read any of my blog posts or read my bio. Let me put this simple, I was molested when I was 11 years old by a friend. I was raped by two black men at the University of Cincinnati. I was raped when I was 23 by someone who I thought I was a friend. I enlisted and…

[gigsoupmusic]

Luna Bec shares new dreamy sonic journey 'Come Over Tonight'

‘Come Over Tonight’ follows up latest single ‘Prove me wrong’ from rising London-based singer, songwriter and multi-instrumentalist Luna Bec. This new release marks a new development in her sonic journey, with elements of dance and electronica woven into an evolving folk-pop tapestry. Powerful and provocative lyrics are perfectly blending with chilled and minimal production. It's Friday, c'mon...if you have no plans, 'come over tonight' and discover Luna Bec's musical joruney! https://soundcloud.com/lunabec/come-over-tonight/s-vrhtA Luna explains: “Come Over Tonight is a song about intimacy and desire; it’s also about conflict and healing, both on a personal and a societal level. How often do we really listen to another person, without trying to fix or change them so we don’t have to experience the discomfort of their suffering? The world feels more divided than ever. Within desire there is passion and also the possibility of compassion. Can I hold another’s rage without judgment, and allow myself to be held in that way too?” Catch Luna performing at How The Light Gets In festival in Hay on Wye in May 2020. Read the full article

[talk-to-themoon]

You promised the world and then put the weight of it on my shoulders.

[talk-to-themoon]

I’d hold your burning body. Flesh melting off the bone. The smell of tender muscle. Maybe then you’d love me. Maybe then you’d realize how much I’ve cared.

[talk-to-themoon]

I will rot and wither and you’ll just watch.

[talk-to-themoon]

[talk-to-themoon]

I was just 12 when they shoved grief down my throat. It is not fair. I was not hungry.

[talk-to-themoon]

Still I grasp for things that are out of my reach, still I grasp for you.

[talk-to-themoon]

No I’m sorry,I’m actually still just a 12 year old girl with a bleeding heart and a bottle of tequila.