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gallaghercest · 2 months ago

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Lyric Analysis - It's a Crime

Ok, this reunion really messed with my head. It feels like a dream come true. I never imagined to experience this. I've been listening to Oasis non-stop since the 27th. I've been obsessing with these two fuckers in such a way that I haven't done since I was 16.

My current obsession has been It's A Crime. It's a demo from 1999, SOTSOG era. A few years later it was released as a single during the Don't Believe The Truth era as "Let There Be Love". Mind you that LTBL is the second song Liam and Noel sing together, the first being Acquiesce - yes, that one where Noel sings they need and believe in each other.

I always knew these lyrics were a huge piece of evidence, but for some reason, I never managed to understand what it meant. It was sort of an enigma to me.

Well, let's get into it. It won't be anything groundbreaking, just my thoughts on the lyrics as I need to vent with someone.

Disclaimer: I don't ship Liam and Noel, these are only thoughts and theories about their relationship, and this is all merely for entertainment purposes. Noel/Liam, if you're reading this, please don't sue me. I'm cool.

Before we start, I'd like to remind you of My version/timeline of Liam and Noel's relationship as this will help you understand my analysis:

Their thingy started around 1992, as Liam and Noel got closer to each other because of Oasis;

I firmly believe Noel was the starter, hence Lock All The Doors (1992) lyrics. Why did Liam agree with that? Fuck knows. I'd die to know that;

Noel was the one who showed more affection/was head over heels in love during 1992-1995. He was always writing about Liam and treating him like a God. Liam loved Noel too but I just think he had more important things to care about, he didn't really see how important Noel's love and public displays of affection were. He was too immature to realize that and value Noel's love. We know Noel is a cold person by nature so showing his vulnerable side to Liam was something important to him, but Liam couldn't understand that;

Then we have 1996. Boom. That was the first time their ""relationship"" was in crisis. I don't know if it was because of their wives or if a single episode we're unaware of led to a crisis. I sadly don't have that info. I also believe Noel went to Mustique Island as a way to cope with/escape this crisis. He recorded nearly all the demos for Be Here Now there, including If We Shadows and Untitled. Haha. The boy was depressed as hell;

Things seemed to get a lot better in 1997-1998;

1999-2001 is a strange period, it seems off - they seemed more distant, but at the same time, there are some hints Noel was still willing to give themselves one more try. I don't have many thoughts on that period;

2002: they seemed to be on pretty good terms, but guess what: from this year onwards, their roles switched - Liam started to be the one who's most affectionate, and more passionate and needy, while Noel was more distant, and cold. That was their dynamics until 2007-2008;

2009 was a terrible year for them so I won't even bother to comment on that.

Well, you can say what you want But you won't get a thing from me And if you don't understand That's it's not in your hands you need Let there be love

You'll notice that, throughout the song, Noel uses the words "want" and "feel"/"mean" in the first line of each verse, because there's a difference between what Liam wants to say and what Liam needs to say. We'll get into that later on.

I think this verse supports what I said about Noel being emotionally unavailable during the SOTSOG era and post-2002. I don't know what happened in 1996 but he seemed to be extremely bitter ever since (1997 being an exception). No matter how many times Liam told him he loved Noel, no matter how Liam showed his affection or begged for Noel's attention, he wouldn't get it. The old Noel was dead.

The last three lines, in my opinion, show that what Liam needs is Noel's love, something that's irreplaceable in his life: there's nothing Liam can do on his own that would replace what they have, and no one else on Earth could give Liam the same love - so it's really not in his hands. This also accentuates how Noel likes to be in charge/have power.

"Let there be love". Noel is telling Liam that he should let love take over him, and thus be more expressive. Noel always says how Liam is an angry man, etc, so this is just a message to remind him that he's still able to love.

But you can say what you feel And it might never steal from me And then you must understand That it's all in your hands what you need Let there be love

English is not my first language so I have no idea if the "steal from me" is an idiom that means anything other than the regular meaning of it. The first line shows that all Noel wanted was Liam to be more verbal about them i.e. show more affection.

Third and fourth lines show that Noel's way of loving solely depends on Liam's actions - if Liam shows his love, Noel's happy and will express his love too. By saying that, we must think: does that mean Noel's love is not unconditional? Does it mean a huge part of Noel's obsession with Liam was a need to feel approved and needed by Liam, which is (plot twist) basically the exact same way Liam felt about Noel during�� his entire life? In the end, both wished for the same thing from each other but were poor communicators.

Again, Noel thinks his love is all Liam needs, but Liam is unaware of it.

And I never knew But all the things that you've done Are coming right back to you But everybody knows that it's no crime

1994 Noel would never have imagined that their relationship would be in shambles in 1996, or that they would go through such emotionally-distant periods, ever.

My understanding of this whole verse is that Noel was aware that Liam was getting his karma, not only regarding their relationship but with life in general, and Noel never imagined that would ever happen, as Liam always seemed to get away with absolutely everything when they were younger.

Although Liam and Patsy had Lennon in 1999, they got divorced in 2000, so we can suppose things were not very nice when this demo was recorded. Although Liam was sober around the SOTSOG recordings in 1999, he was Drunk™️ as hell on the second Wembley night in 2000. Liam didn't value Noel's love in the early years, and now he's paying for that "mistake". In Noel's mind, that's no crime. People reap what they sow, whether that's good or bad.

But does it make you feel ashamed? You never said what you've done And there's no need to blame But everybody knows Yeah, everybody knows Everybody knows that it's no crime It's no crime

These lines are sort of a mystery to me. "You never said what you've done". What does Noel mean by that? Is he talking about the 1ncest? Or is Liam not able to admit he failed to meet Noel's emotional needs? I believe it is the latter. In Noel's mind, that would be a reason for Liam to be ashamed, but at the same time, he can't blame him, since Noel was the one who started all of this.

For a second, while I was reading the lyrics, I realised the first three lines were kind of familiar to me. Then I had an epiphany and noticed that Noel has written something similar in Stay Young, released in 1997: They're making you feel so ashamed/Making you taking the blame. As I always say, guilt, blame, shame, being a sinner, and wanting to escape from people are recurrent themes in Noel's lyrics. I wonder why…………..

So you can say what you want But you'll not get a thought from me But if you say what you mean Then you might get a thing from me Let there be love

This just reflects what I said above: if Liam says whatever he pleases - or, in this case, if he's not verbal with Noel -, Noel will shut down. However, if Liam says what he really feels deep inside, Noel might be cool to him. That line shows me that despite Liam being immature and not valuing Noel in the past/present, he still knew Liam genuinely loved him the same way he did. Noel just had this (ego-guided?) desire to hear that. Clearly, Noel's language of love is words of affirmation (he's such a Gemini!!!), and Liam's is acts of service (he's such a Virgo!!!). That's it.

While I was writing the above paragraph, I thought, "Am I going nuts? What if everything I'm writing is pure bullshit?". So I refreshed my Tumblr timeline and saw THIS:

It's a Liam quote from 2006. It's literally what I've been saying throughout this whole analysis. Liam thinks words are not necessary. But Noel does. Do I think Noel complained about Liam's lack of communication with Liam himself? Probably not. Noel'd probably think that'd be humiliating. I think there's a high chance that Noel just vented about it in his lyrics and when he was face-to-face with Liam, they'd simply fight with each other as a way to express the frustration they felt inside caused by each of them not being able to act the way they expected, love-wise.

If I ever knew That all the things I've thought Are coming right back to you But everybody thinks that it's a crime

First things first: I love Noel's delivery of the word "Crime" in this verse. It's so agonizing, you can really feel his guilt/desperation.

To me, this verse shows how Noel knows the 1ncest and his own actions/way of treating Liam impacts Liam's life and way of being, and also their relationship in general. It all started with a thought in Noel's mind back in 1992. An intrusive one, most likely. But Noel wasn't able to brush it off and eventually gave in to his forbidden wishes. If he ever knew how that would affect them forever, he'd have never done that (no shit, Sherlock).

Obviously, everybody would think what they have is a crime. Because, luckily, people are sane. Alternatively, Noel might meant that even when Liam does something wrong or gets what he deserves, people still think it's a crime for him to be held accountable for his actions. As I mentioned above, Noel is convinced that Liam is the world's protegé, a kind of invincible human being who is never blamed by anyone.

It never makes you feel ashamed You sit around and you sold And you're passing the blame But everybody knows Yeah everybody knows Everybody knows that it's a crime It's a crime

Now, Noel is kind of blaming Liam for not doing anything to change his behaviour, being convinced that Noel's the reason why everything is shite and blaming him for it. Or maybe blaming other people/situations to justify his behaviour/lack of expression of feelings.

Either way, unless Noel would address his desires directly to Liam, it doesn't make a lot of sense in my head to be a bitch about it. I mean, get a grip. Stop writing songs about it and do something!!! Cry in public!!! Make a press conference to expose how Liam is non-verbal with you!!!

Last lines conclude that, in the end, 1ncest is still a crime. Who would've thought?

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- That's it - hope you missed me and enjoyed this. Kiss Kiss JM

#gallaghercest #oasis #noel gallagher #liam gallagher #sotsog era

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diavolosnumberone · 2 months ago

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hello >:)

may you bring some headcanons or ideas about Shinji?

nosy anon -

Hello, yes!! Gladly!! I don't really have many, but sure thing. :3 I'll keep them general lol

Content warning for brief mention of self harm, depression and starvation. Nothing strong nor graphic, per se, but still.

Also I'm taking into account the timeline MP100 is ocurring in, which is to say 2012-13, so this aren't exactly 'modern-day au' type of head canons :PP.

PRE/DURING BIG CLEANUP.

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-> Despite it being said he has no talents whatsoever, do remember he has entered multiple competitions for different things (None of which he has won but that is not the point), meaning he'd have to have at least a bit of skill in such things. He's far from useless or stupid, but his parents are much too used to Takuya, who was canonically a prodigy. lol

- Further on that topic, I think out of the things he's competed for, I think he'd be best at writing and playing the violin. Clearly not the best, but a good amount skill is there nonetheless. I'd like to think writing is another way he uses to cope (Albeit one that resulted to be ineffective in the long run, seen as he still ended up having an emotional breakdown).

-> This one is heavily implied in the source material if you're familiar with it, but he struggled quite badly with depression; as seen by the lack of motivation in cleaning his room and how said space was practically ripped from any type of decor of his liking. Notice how he has nothing but a desk filled with books? There was also a ripped poster in his room! You could understans that as how the feeling of dread and sadness takes away the motivation and desire, the interest in things and leaves you feeling vulnerable and miserable (to say the least). His disheveled appearance is also key to that, the dark circles underneath his eyes and the eyebags, along with how messy -and greasy, clearly- his hair was. Also the probably horrid sleep schedule.

- Him actually showering during that period of time is something I doubt because, again, lack of motivation and interest in self-care; but even if he did, he absolutely smelled bad. After all, he did sleep in quite literally a pile of trash bags. Strong odors might stick to a person if they stay in that spot long enough, actually. (I'm also pretty sure he's canonically unattractive lmfao)

- He probably also skipped meals for that very same reason earlier mentioned, and simply stayed locked in his room instead. At a certain point, he also fell into a much unhealthier habit for coping than writing had been, which could be either dissociation or cutting himself.

-> I believe he's bisexual/biromantic (Insert the 'Damn son, nobody want you fr' image lol), claims he's got no time nor interest in relationships, though craves someone who shows genuine, healthy affection and love for him– Despite him being a somewhat emotionally unavailable person.

- Would probably balance between being very romantic one moment and in the other isolating himself and acting aloof. Emotional responsability is not his thing, and might accidentally end up hurting his partner. In other words, he's in a bad space and dating him is not a good idea; even if it wasn't for the lack of emotional responsability, he's also a busy boy, and his family most likely wouldn't accept him being in a relationship, as that'd distract him. (Or do date him, and try to support him through his struggles.)

-> He's clearly not a bad kid, and was actually pretty decent at being council president, it's only his familial situation that made him break and act rashly in distress and a need for approval, a need for feeling important. Had he not been a good enough president to begin with, I highly doubt they would've re-elected him.

- Not quite popular in salt middle, people don't really know him outside of leading the student council body.

-> Sometimes whilst studying at home, he can't help but think about how things would be if maybe his family was more understanding, or supportive. Often, he feels unloved by them (After all, they do indeed look down on him).

- He hates thinking about that, it causes a feeling of impotence and helplesness. At certain points can't help but hate his family for the neglect of his emotional wellbeing, yet can't help but still love them in the end— Might be because of feeling obligated to doing so.

-> He's got favourite flowers, which would be carnations, dahlias, lilies and roses.

- He used to have a cracked vase of iris flowers he took care of, though they all wilted away. Irises are flowers that represent hope and faith.

-> As silly as it sounds, I pinpoint him as a Weezer (the band) fan... I can't help but picture him with a tee of weezer's blue album. Lol

- Deepening on the topic of clothing, despite having more than enough money to dress nicely, he can't care that much about it and often just throws on whatever he has at hand.

-> Definitely huge on praise and attention. Despite trying to look confident on the outside and coming off as arrogant, it definitely shows that he's at least a bit flustered. It makes him feel fuzzy inside.

-> Physically, I tend to picture him with messier and slightly longer hair, droppy-ish eyes and a single mole on the left cheekbone. Also slightly a haircut that differs ever so slightly from the anime and manga (See below)

-> Whenever he has the chance, he hangs out with Hikaru, wether it'd be to study or simply talk, who's pretty much his closest friend and one of the few aware of his home life. Which is to say, not often. Because he doesn't really get the permission to go out that much.

-> He's got a pretty low idea of self-esteem and self-image, can't help but feel like he's worth nothing, at constantly being compared to his older sibling and not being able to meet the expectations his family had set up for him.

(Post big cleanup + timeless ideas after the cut!)

POST BIG CLEANUP.

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-> His brother helped him clean up the total mess on his room, which was a tardy process due to all of the stuff littered around. Newly put posters and the order in his room actually does somewhat give a feeling of tranquility.

-> With his family supporting him instead of constantly pressuring him into doing academically better, he does actually manage to raise his grades (That aside, I do believe his parents are still very exigent of him. He did state Takuya supported him from then on, but said nothing of his parents).

-> With a bit more of time and motivation in his hands now, he gets another small flower pot with irises, to put on the side of his desk. They don't wilt this time.

-> Betters his sleep schedule, at least a bit. He still struggles somewhat with scheduling when to do what, when he's at home.

-> Aside from bettering his grades, he also pursues writing and playing the violin a bit more. Also gets into poetry.

-> With his struggles mostly solved and having had worked on himself, he does become emotionally responsible. It's shown he regrets his wrongdoings and actually wants to better himself as a whole.

-> Does manage to get permission from his parents to go out more often now, partially due to Takuya helping, and partially because he raised his grades. Meaning, he hangs out with his friends more often– Namely Hikaru and Ritsu, the latter being one whom he had grown somewhat closer to.

-> Still doesn't know how to dress well, but at the very least actually makes an effort to look neat now. Also, he no longer smells bad.

- Actually a decent boyfriend if given the chance. He's a sweet boy.

-> Although still affected by praise, is somewhat more composed in response to it now, as his self-worth and self-esteem are no longer as low as they were before. Then again, they still aren't very high— Though at least they're no longer pinned to the floor.

GENERAL IDEAS/HEADCANONS,

NO TIME SET.

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-> Does not know how to ride a bike for his life.

-> Despite being somewhat skinny and slim, he's fairly strong. For an average fifteen year old boy, that is— He's still not very strong.

-> Very good at speaking in public, doesn't really stammer; also surprisingly cunning and charismatic whenever he needs to be. A good leader needs charisma to actually stay in place, after all.

-> Had he ever gotten a crush, he'd be absolutely whipped, no matter how hard he tries to deny it. All the previously mentioned courage vanishes and is instead replaced by a fake sense of confidence that is completely see-through, due to just how easily his cheeks flush and how shaky his voice gets. He'd probably try and impress the person in every way he might be able to, and then fail miserably most of the times.

- Depending on the person, the somewhat pathetic way in which he behaves would be the reason to getting rejected— Or, in the other hand, a reason to getting his feelings reciprocated.

-> Likes horror games. Like maybe Ao Oni or stuff.

-> Used to be very scared of the dark when he was a child, but grew used to it as he got older, and it now brings him an odd, somewhat sad sense of comfort.

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-> I am against the AUs that give him powers, as the lack of them is the key component of getting him to grow as a person, what got him to change. While he did not have psychic powers, he did have an amount of authority -a type of power-, which gave him the confidence and motivation of being bad to others and using them to cope. That's why it's important for him to not have any habilities. They had beat him up OUTSIDE of Salt Middle, where he had no authority whatsoever and was just another boy more— That sensation of helplesness and despair, that power and popularity were indeed not everything, is what got him to change. He knew it'd just happen over and over.

- In the end, reflecting in the solitude about what he has done was what got him out of it. It happened because he was helpless, and it wouldn't have had gone that way in the case of him having psychic powers. Shinji is, in my opinion, a character that it's great never awakened any habilities.

That's all 4 now!!!! I really love Shinji so I think abt him a lot... Do send more asks or even drawing requests if you wanna, I don't mind at all!

#mob psycho 100 #mp100 #shinji kamuro #art #headcanons #headcanon #i love him #im dying #idk how to tag this #i'm gonna eat him #kamuro shinji headcanons #mp100 shinji #takuya kamuro #shinji kamuro's family #scenarios?

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manicpixiedckgirl · 10 months ago

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okay, so i posted a timeline. sue me! i quit all other social media last year and needed that dopamine hit. just a lil nicotine patch for online attention. seasonal depression is a bitch okay. i posted it here and to ig, bc ig is to late millennials what facebook is boomers. and people have all said some very nice things, but when you're posting a 10 year timeline, you're usually hoping for someone from your past to see it and go "woah! you're so different now"!

and whaddya know, this time it worked. one of my exes from when i was a teenager saw it. not one of the ones who turned out to be a lesbian, one of the ones who turned out to be a trans man. He just wanted to say hi - that he was so happy to see that i looked happy, and that i looked incredible, especially compared to the scruffy twink they had dated. (okay those are my words not his)

he and I didn’t have a great relationship at first - no one had a great relationship with me before i realized i was a trans woman obviously, but this was pretty young. I was really repressed and weird back then, and still very much without any social graces, and we were only like 16. they caught the full broadside of my emo fuckboy energy and got out fast once they saw that - i don’t blame them. I was crying in their arms about how much i hated my new body hair, and how i wanted to be able to wear dresses, and the next day i’d be completely emotionally unavailable and denying all of it. not exactly boyfriend material, not entirely boyfriend. They were very traumatized too in their own way, just realizing they were trans too, and engaging in a lot of ‘i want to be a gay man’ antics, fucking their way through the pain. He was frankly way too cool and sexually liberated to be wasting his time with that version of me. And it was very obvious to everyone who knew what that was 12-15 years ago that i was a closeted trans girl. we had a friend group that eventually fell apart, and we parted for the first time.

Later, in our late teens/20, we would end up fucking - i had started to accept and announce that my gender was complicated, and i was starting to be kinda faggy and loud about it, and not everyone hated that, and they had just started T and were boy horny. We split a bottle of wine (or was it two? It was probably two) and started watching an ashley tisdale movie. Looking back on it, how it went must definitely have been his plan, but i’ve always been blind about this stuff and was that night. It was definitely bad sex, but it was also fun sex - the first time I enjoyed myself, and the pressure of having to be a guy wasn’t so overwhelming i didnt effectively black out. he’s one of the first people i ever talked to about feeling complicated about gender, and i think by then he had figured me out, and was just letting me get the rest of the way on my own. I still couldn’t top for him, i never rly could top for anyone, even before estrogen. but we still had fun, with our hands and with our mouths. and then after that, we'd go to art shows and poetry readings and hang out again occasionally, like we talked about doing when we were literal kids, putting on rocky horror in our front rooms.

but life takes you away from people, and he got into film school, and i somehow graduated my chemistry program and moved to the US. he moved to Germany for a while, although i hear he's back home. i got married, got separated, there was a global pandemic. we hadn't talked in years, although i had snooped on him once or twice. He’s a director now - he’s made some impressive arthouse films, all horror and gender and kitchy campy cerebral themes. He’s got a big tv writing credit on the way in irish tv. Idk - it felt rly good to impress him, to say hi, to remember. it's really cool to see other trans people thriving and living life, always. anyone who cleaves reality to themselves and fashions themselves into someone they can love is someone who impresses me. but it's different when it's someone you've known for almost half your life - someone you were a fucked up kid with, not sure if either of you would make it to 18. and to be smiling at each other, looking at 30, and wondering what's next. i'm really proud of the both of us actually. and i needed that today.

#trans #essay #diary

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aadriannamj · 9 days ago

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HELLO

You are your bf are so cute! How did you guys meet?

HI ANON

TY TY

(unnecessarily long post ahead bc I love talking about him ;)

ermm, okay so me and my bf actually knew each other way before we started dating, I’m talking like middle school. We were kinda in the same friend group, but we just never made the effort to talk to each other.

Skipping to high school now, I was struggling pretty badly with my mental health throughout high school, I was also healing from a really toxic relationship (that’s a story for another time). So I was extremely emotionally unavailable most of high school LOL. With this being said, getting to know a guy seriously scared me. So when I would see him, I thought he was cute and it was mutual, but I was too scared to ever say anything or make a move.

So here’s the cute part, I am a huge bookworm. I was on a summer trip, and I posted this book I was reading. He actually dmed me to talk to me about the book (my bookworm heart was MELTING).

We then started talking in the beginning of our senior year of high school. Before we started dating we were talking for about a month or so. We would literally talk every single day. He just had so many traits that I loved in a person, and that I’ve never had the pleasure of experiencing in a guy. But most importantly he made me feel special and understood. As someone who constantly struggles with depression and anxiety pretty badly, this really stood out to me.

Fast forward now, he then took me out on a nice date and asked me to be his gf 🥺

That’s the story of how my bf made a man hater a simp

He really is friendship and love in one person

#adrianswers

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ace-reviews · 3 years ago

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Whelp, HIGEHIRO Shit the Bed (But Not In The Way We All Thought It Would)

So, originally this was going to be a review/analysis of Futility, the really crappy novella that people only remember because it “predicted” the sinking of the Titanic in much the same way Blues Brothers “predicted” this guy crashing his SUV into the Woodfield Mall. It was going to be a lot of fun and I was going to make many funny jokes at the expense of some dead guy and his shitty proto-Incel protagonist, but then I watched this week’s episode of Higehiro and so instead of having fun taking the piss out of a 130 year old book, I’m going to be angrily yelling an anime no one is watching except me, Charlie, and some guy over at ANN.

this is your probably unnecessary spoiler warning

So, for the everybody who hasn’t been keeping up since the premier, the last few episodes have revolved around Sayu’s brother showing up out of nowhere to bring her back home. After two weeks of moping around, Yoshida decided to go with her so he could talk to her mom and assure her he’s not a creepy scumbag sex pest so please don’t call the police, ma’am, and then last week’s episode ended with Sayu’s mother slapping her as soon as she walked through the door, which is pretty much #1 on the list of things not to do when your runaway child returns home.

this is bad parenting

Now, for the first half of the episode, things were going well enough. They sat around to talk things out over drinks, and Sayu got a chance to give her mother a piece of her mind for not supporting her while she was grieving her friend. Then Sayu’s mother tells Sayu that she never should’ve given birth to her…

…and Yoshida muses on things for a moment before saying he’d like to adopt Sayu…

…only to immediately walk it back with this bullshit:

Now, I am well aware that Japan is not great about taking care of children who can’t or shouldn’t live with their biological parents, but Sayu has a brother, and her brother is an adult with job that pays a lot more than Yoshida’s job. And unlike their mother, Issa loves Sayu and genuinely wants what’s best for her. If Yoshida insists that Sayu must be taken care of by her biological family, there are other options. She doesn’t need to be left in the care of a woman who doesn’t want her and just rejected her very existence.

THIS IS NOT A POSITIVE OUTCOME, HIGEHIRO

Another issue arises with just how easy it is to read Sayu as queer. While her sexual history with men was an important factor early in the series, it’s clearly shown to be a result of desperation before moving in with Yoshida, and her early attempts to seduce Yoshida were a result of trauma and insecurity. The distinct lack of genuine interest on her part in something many members of the queer community will relate to, especially those who are asexual or aromantic.

In an age and society where 40% of homeless youth are queer, it comes across as dangerously tone-deaf to send the message be that the people who have rejected and abused you are the only ones who can be relied on to raise you properly.

Sayu’s mom has the resources to care for her, but doesn’t want her. Yoshida wants Sayu, but doesn’t have the resources to properly care for her (she needs her own room, and also therapy). There is a very obvious solution to this problem that doesn’t involve leaving the depressed and grieving child in the care of her emotionally unavailable and thoroughly unsupportive mother, and several other very good alternatives (like her living with her brother, for example) they could have considered. But instead, they went diving headlong into the worst possible outcome that’s all but guaranteed to resolve literally none of the underlying issues that led to Sayu running away in the first place.

There’s one more episode, but it seems unlikely to involve Yoshida going “Oh, wait, that was a bad thing I just did, actually. I better go back and do something significantly less dumb.” It really sucks, too, because up until this episode I really liked Higehiro. It has some issues with framing that often had me bracing myself for the worst during scenes that should’ve been cute moments of familial bonding, but was overall a sweet, found family story full of characters that feel like real people. But then it had to go and fuck it all up with a shitty take that minimizes Sayu’s past struggles with her mother and replacing these reasonable, realistic characters with props that can be convinced to change their entire personalities just by being asked nicely, all while potentially doing actual harm to any queer kids in the audience. It reminded me a bit of the resolution to Dr. Ramune‘s first episode, and I didn't care for it there, either.

This is still a better way for it to shit the bed than by having Yoshida and Sayu’s relationship turn romantic, but not much better. Even my anger toward it has worn off, to be replaced mainly by disappointment and the sense that caring about these characters and this story was a waste of time. And that’s just not good.

#higehiro #spring 2021 #sayu ogawa #cw parental abuse #rant #tumblr why you no let me indent that last picture caption #tumblr why you a bad websote

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comradelionheart · 3 years ago

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This is where I feel safest.

In the blueness of this site, held in comfort as if under my blanket of soft fur.

No one here will ever know who I am or the people I speak of. No one can find me here. I have a questionable habit of running off to avoid being witnessed when I fail or am in pain, and this is where I run to. It is luckily not a boy this time. Well, it’s sort of that too, but not predominantly.

I haven’t shut G out this time. When I thought I’d lost my shot at the job I deleted my WhatsApp and all other social media, and refused to surface until I was willing to face people again. This isn’t unlike when I graduated college uncertain of what to do with life next and just... vanished. I’d a pretty promising presence on Facebook that could potentially have introduced him and I sooner, but I guess life unravels at its own pace and nothing can force it to go sooner or slower. I’ve grown rather accepting of failures because I have unfortunately grown accustomed to them. It’s almost like I expect to meet with resistance or failure each time something nearly works out and in this case I can’t say I willed it upon myself. I literally tested positive for TB. Which is amusing since those are my ex’s initials, and is yet another TB which seems to be hampering my progress.

Dry humour is what I’m best at if I’m being my authentic self. I must unfortunately smile and wave because I’m a woman and need to be likeable to get anywhere in my line of work. That isn’t to say I’m a sociopath or hate people. I just wish I didn’t have to pretend to be interested in their lives and feign amusement at their not so novel ideas. Pretty sure I’ve not so novel ideas too, but I don’t need to be indulged for the sake of my (not) fragile ego. Anyhow.

I applied for this job early in the year and didn't expect to hear from them (because the first few years of my work life had me flailing and coping with depression instead of steering my career, and I know I shouldn’t grudge her for this but I do). But I did hear from them. And everything went through. Including 3 rounds of aptitude tests and a personal interview (which I thought I bombed but didn't somehow). Until I tested positive on a skin patch test for TB. Why do these stupid standard sets of tests get prescribed world over? Honestly, if I’m ever supreme leader of anywhere I will ban standardised tests. Not in the way that I say medicine is a sham, not at all, but in the way that WE LIVE IN THE THIRD WORLD AND WILL OF COURSE HAVE TAKEN THE BCG OR HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO THE BACTERIA AT SOME POINT BUT IT’S NOT NECESSARILY EVER GOING TO BE ACTIVE SO USE A BETTER AND MORE CONTEXT SPECIFIC TEST INSTEAD OF GIVING ME ANXIETY AND EXISTENTIAL CRISES LIKE THESE, JFC. 😭😭😭

But I’ve taken the other test and that’s also got the drawback of being unable to differentiate between inert and active TB. So I took an HRCT scan. I’m so sick of running around hospitals, there’s a literal virus in the air. But Monday is when I’ll know the medical verdict. And then there’s the whole security check process. I hate when this happens but I’ve lost so much time to grief, I simply cannot sit around moping any longer.

Earlier this year I interviewed with the **. I was given a verbal confirmation and had a text message implying an offer was made to me, because I received an acknowledgement to my acceptance of an offer. If I was the person I was in 2014, I’d have kicked up a fuss and made sure that offer was honoured, but 2021 me knows that working with bosses who go back on their word slyly and cave to nepotism usually need their cocks sucked. And I’m not only incapable of that, but have also dealt with enough workplace harassment elsewhere to be adamant about a brand at the risk of my mental health. But really, he can go suck it because I have confirmation from staff that he is EVERYTHING I read him to be. I’m not intuitive or anything, I just read people very well because I was hurt so bad by them (repeatedly since childhood) that reading people became a thing I did for survival. My sharp instincts serve me well, but are a trauma response. I am very self aware too, yes.

I then interviewed and got through an NGO that was willing to pay me 24L. I turned it down because the founders were running around like headless chicken with their inability to distinguish PR from Marketing Comms (me) from Marketing for business development. I know I was being paid a lot of money, but I will not kill myself performing all three functions while being acknowledged for just the one on my offer letter. I’ve learned to value my labour capacity and assert myself in the economic and political spheres.

Personally though? I sometimes still think I’m a romantic pushover.

But this is about work because I need to weep a little before being calm about how this year has treated me. Especially since I’m maintaining a cool demeanour in public and literally hate sharing things I’m burdened with. Idk man, it makes me feel vulnerable and I don’t like feeling like I’ll get a knife twisted in the spot that's most sore. I AM SCREAMING BECAUSE I HAVE LET G WITNESS ME IN PAIN THIS TIME INSTEAD OF RUNNING AWAY and will someday file copyright over An Enduring Romantic because that’s very honestly me. But ofc it isn’t going to be the legal Copyright, just the sham notice like the one I’d sent him to up his Instagram game. Or he could just operate my Twitter and I’ll run his gram. It’ll even feel natural.

Sometime around May an environmental journal asked me to come on board. Work from the office at the height of the pandemic with no travel compensation and very little money. I turned them down. Then came II**. Which I again turned down because they wouldn’t pay market rate for skills I’ve perfected in 4 years just because they wanted 8 years experience on paper for my quotation. I will do a lot for causes I love, but I also really enjoy being paid fairly and acknowledged for the value I bring to the table.

Then came the start up in Del. Which I turned down because the uncle running it in his wife’s name expected 24*7 labour availability for 12L with no health insurance.

The latest in my list of things I’ve turned down is the ** Gov. Which I can obviously go back to since my reason for turning it down was another job, but 14 days of leave all year? 7 day work week if needed? Hell no. I enjoy having labour rights. But also when I told the dude I’d be reporting to if I accepted that I cant accept due to covid concerns his reaction was “sure, send me an email so we can start looking for someone else immediately.” Like.... we just had a second wave, what if something was wrong? I wouldn’t risk losing my job because they expect work even if I were hypothetically coughing up blood. So best not to touch with a bargepole. Now I’m less sad, but also really hope the TB results are negative. This job I want and have said yes to ticks off all of the boxes in my head and I will truly be disappointed if I lose it to disease paranoia despite being completely suited and picked for the role 😞

Just to be on the safer side, I have taken one last shot at achieving my goal of ‘learn how political systems work so you know what you’re talking about first hand in that PhD.’ I hope my Plan A works out instead, though.

Since I’ve brought him up in this, it will be interesting to note that a year ago I did the erstwhile unthinkable act of cutting a friend of for attempting to steal a man I love. A year ago to the date, literally. Funny how this year is more calm, but I was maxed out on endorphins from him last year. Until this March even, if I’m being truthful. I don’t regret cutting her off.She crossed a vvvv red line. ALL my other friends are celebrating. They detested her.

Another thing that happened last year was me letting him know that I only get hotter with time, but along with this work drama I have also had a run in with intense grief which I thought was a mood disorder (because it was intense, I mentioned?), cholesterol, thyroid, sugar addiction and now, le TB (PLEASE BE A FALSE POSITIVE YESU KRISTU HALP). So needless to say, I haven’t been most fabulous and undergone my physical transformation and these mental health struggles (are getting better now) strapped me to my couch along with the pandemic and its many lockdowns. I have also not studied for the GRE because I’m stimulus seeking via social media and fear of sucking at math has kept me locked in place. I still have a lot to work through on this front and would really like to make his cover right too, but my creativity isn't working and I keep fucking it up. I am not as spectacular as I was last year. The separation has also weathered my dazzle out a little and while I’m living with it, I still have small waves of sadness that show up once in a while.

I might have also accidentally flirted with someone into falling for me. It was all fun and games and for my pride, but now I’ve to gently let them down since I’ve cold feet and am chicken. Because I’m as emotionally unavailable as a streetlamp. Is this why they call me a Gurgaoni fuckboi?

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itsybitsylemonsqueezy · 4 years ago

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Hey, I’m here once again with the ranting (if you don’t mind)! I just finished playing Yakuza 5 and damn I have a lot of feels I want to share. When I was first introduced to the franchise, I thought that nothing could beat Zero for me, but here I am now, holding back my tears and thinking what a fine game 5 turned out to be! I really loved the bonds that characters formed along the way, it just felt so sincere and warm that my heart throbbed nearly at every dialogue Х) Like Saejima/Baba, Mirei/Haruka (and Akiyama too!), Shinada/Takasugi were absolutely delightful. And don’t get me started on the ending scene with Kiryu and his daughter. I fucking lost it there. So damn emotional and pure. And while I adore Zero for its majestic tragedy and fatalism, I also love the kind and inspiring atmosphere of 5. Of course, there were some flaws, like I didn’t find the main antagonist all that interesting (especially after Ryuji and Mine), but in the end I was ready to overlook it just because the heartwarming scenes between the characters were so well done. So yeah, for me it’s top tier along with Zero. What’s your personal opinion on the game (and your favorites in the series in general)?

Congrats! Oooooh, Game 5. I’ve got a lot of feels about Game 5 too ^^; It’s a real fav c: There’s an awful lot I love about it, but there’s one or two things that really stick in my craw. I’m not sure I could put it up with Zero, but it’s definitely a game I treasure c:

I find it interesting that your interpret Zero as fatalistic and 5 as inspiring. Zero definitely has a lot of high-key tragedy, but I think the fact that we come through the other side, that Kiryu doesn’t go into the ground with Tachibana, that Majima decides that even though he could be happy with Makoto, it isn’t what he wants, I find that really powerful and even hopeful. Not inspiring perhaps, the choices we all make in that game are crushingly hard and frequently we’re punished for things that aren’t our fault. But seeing Kiryu confront his potential for the first time and, perhaps for the last time, deciding he’s not afraid of it, that this is a mantle he can carry and do good with, really does things for me. And I’ve gone on at length before about how we ought to read Majima’s choice at the end as not sacrificial, not denial, but rather a choice of identity. What stopped him from going with Makoto isn’t fear for what it would do to her (though certainly those protective instincts are still alive and well), but rather a... with nothing holding him back, he would still choose the life he started. He could leave it all right here but... there are things he wants to do, not has to do, wants to do. And he makes the choice to be yakuza, to be the Mad Dog, crucially, before he sees Kiryu. He could leave it all behind, but then he wouldn’t be himself. He wants to be yakuza. And he couldn’t do that if he was with her. I think that’s really cool and really life-affirming.

Meanwhile 5... it’s hard for me to articulate what 5 is about because we have a bunch of different character arcs, some of which mesh quite nicely and some of which have nothing at all to do with each other. It’s probably best if I just break this down piece by piece ^^;

(spoilers follow for game 5 my little chili babies)

Kiryu’s arc, as I have articulated before, I fucking love in game 5. However, I do have my criticisms of it. In many ways, the conflict we’re facing in 5 is something that should have come up awhile back. But, even delayed, it is satisfying. It is satisfying to force Kiryu to confront his mistakes. It is satisfying to at least reach a turn on Kiryu, to have him decide that he wants to live and does feel worthy, even if it’s at the last possible second. Like, I interpret 5 as much more fatalistic because Kiryu’s dying in the snow in the middle of saying how he wants to come home to his daughter. Like... he may have finally gotten his revelation, but he was already in the middle of repeating the cycle. What would have been truly satisfying was to force him to live, to insist that he grow up and learn how to live with people because dying won’t fix it. This is a problem we’ve had since the beginning and have never really addressed. This was our chance to address it and it breaks my heart that game 5 comes so close and was going the right direction, but doesn’t quite give us that resolution that Kiryu’s going to continue his relationships and be okay now, that he isn’t going to back out this time. And if the creators had been brave they would have ended the fucking series here with that resolution. That’s SO OBVIOUSLY the main conflict in Kiryu’s plot and here, at last, we were finally fucking dealing with it and this SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE END. THIS WAS IT. THE ACTUAL FUCKING END, I- *breathes* Let me not derail this entire thing with game 6. Let’s just... never talk about game 6.

That said... one of the things I ADORE about game 5 is this is the clearest sense of motivation we’ve had since Kiwami 1. For the first time in FUCKING FOREVER character choices made sense! HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH. I CANNOT TELL YOU what it did to me that it was Majima that got Kiryu into the game. I cannot tell you the breath of life it gave me, after all this fucking BULLSHIT, that the game came FUCKING HOME on the most important person to Kiryu is Majima. Daigo needs help? Kiryu can’t help. Haruka needs her dad? Kiryu can’t help. These are both mistakes, don’t get me wrong! Absolutely terrible decisions, but they make sense out of Kiryu’s depression, out of his fears and doubts and feelings of unworthiness, his guilt. He’s so caught up in “better off without me” and so scared and so guilty, he can’t answer people even when they ask for help. But Majima. He can’t turn away from. He hears Majima’s dead and Kiryu loses his goddamn mind. Because it’s his fault. Because he wasn’t there. Because he left him out there and now Majima’s dead. Kiryu asked him to do something and, for all Kiryu knows, Majima’s dead because of him. And... as much as Kiryu hates himself in this moment, as much as Kiryu is sure that it’s all his fault, he’s SO upset, he has to go help, he HAS to go fix it. Majima’s dead and with his last breath, Kiryu will make this fuckign right. He’s gotta try. Because Majima being dead is... unacceptable. He can’t handle it. I fucking love that. At long last, it felt like the same story I’d been watching from 1. At long fucking last, we got some fucking proof of Kiryu’s feelings. And for that alone, I love game 5. I’ve got some issues with it, but that was... vindication. Spent 3 games waffling and pretending we didn’t know him unless we’re literally in the same scene, but even Kiryu’s denial isn’t that strong. Majima’s dead and Kiryu can’t anymore. He’s gonna go there and, god help him, he’ll go into the ground with him. You look at that and tell me it was un-fucking-requited.

On that note, I just gotta gush for a second about that scene where the girl is naked in Kiryu’s apartment and Kiryu just ???? He’s not even “no thank you” he’s like PAINED. Like... she hugs him and Kiryu looks like he’s being fucking tortured! That is not the reaction of someone with even an iota of attraction to feminine bodies! This gay icon! Like, if you’d done that to Majima he would have been like “You’re pretty, babe, but I am Emotionally Unavailable” like the bi icon he is, like... you may not take her up on it, but you can still appreciate her or at least turn her down gracefully. But Kiryu out here doing his best to touch her as little as humanly fucking possible like’ he’s TERRIFIED. That’s not someone being overly polite, that was “cannot conceive of being attracted to this.” Just... this gay fucking dad. Holy christ.

Related GOTTA love Kiryu’s boss being “Hey, there’s a rumor going around that you’re gay! Any thoughts?” and Kiryu just “That Is A Thing People Ask Me” which is the EXACT RESPONSE of a queer person who doesn’t want to out themselves but also doesn’t want to lie. Game 5 fucking iconic for those 2 scenes alone, god bless.

Moving away from Kiryu for a second, although this game is VERY about Kiryu’s story, let’s talk about Saejima! Saejima FINALLY gets to come into his own as a character, we get to handle him properly as a character and not as a crux in Majima’s character development. I love the marked differences in how Kiryu and Saejima respond to Majima and handle him. I love that they fucking NAILED motivation here. That Kiryu and Majima mutually code romantic, that they both make batshit decisions because of each other, in that way that you do when you’re madly in love with someone. Meanwhile, Saejima loves his brother but isn’t in love with him. Saejima’s relationship with Majima is stable and trusting. He’s not losing his mind over Majima’s death because he trust him and knows him. If he’s dead, Saejima trusts that Majima did all he could and it was just his time. That’s why he’s not losing his mind, he’s resolved. He just wants to know what happened. And it’s this stability that really tells us who Saejima is and how he functions as a protag. His strength is his trust in others, which at times IS naive, but it’s also what turns Baba. It’s what keeps Saejima strong when Kiryu’s falling apart. It’s so cool to see a character who isn’t paranoid, who isn’t tore up with guilt, in this series with very complicated leads. Saejima is functional and necessary because he isn’t any of those things. He doesn’t get swept up in big emotional turmoil. He cuts through a lot of foibles that would have tripped up his brother or Kiryu and it’s just really refreshing to see and exciting to experience Saejima’s brand of problem solving. He’s not terribly clever and he’s not subtle, but he’s honest and sure that counts for A LOT in this series. Gotta love Saejima.

And, as I have gushed about before and will again, Baba. Baba. Saejima turning Baba hand me fucking ascending. Baba Known Whore Shigecki turning on a time because Saejima screams “Because we’re kyoudai!” I am LIVING. I love their relationship. I love that Baba’s a little shit. I love that he’s inexplicably a supermodel. I love that his constant vibe is “would like to choke til he cries on Saejima’s dick.” I love that Saejima has a gorgeous prison boyfriend. Well deserved! I love the idea of Baba getting integrated into the group. I need WAY more fic about him coming back to live with Saejima in Kamurocho and Saejima just has an ex-assassin boyfriend now and we all get to live with that. Ugggghhhh, bless. So good. No notes, no criticisms, just good.

Haruka was LONG overdue to be a protag, I’m so glad this game did it. But... pop idol? The thing she explicitly said in Kiwami 2 she didn’t want to be? *siiiigh* Like, I get that she can change her mind as she grows up and that that’s the Thing You Do with Japanese teenage girls, but... Imagine Martial Artist Haruka! Raised by the yakuza, surrounded her whole life by people with incredible fighting skills, who would gladly teach her self-defense. Imagine! Or even training her to become a yakuza! My wife and I joke about Seventh Chairman Sawamura Haruka, but imagine how satisfying that would have been! A whole Tojo dynasty of Kiryu’s kids! She’s so ripe for it! And I know the yakuza is a male-only organization but... c’mon, this is fiction and sexism is boring. I guess I can understand the creators unwillingness to depict violence against women, even if it’s being perpetrated by other women but uh... *eye twitch* game 5 is maybe not the BEST example of their... respecting women...

*screams into a pillow for several minutes* *breathes* *screams for another fifteen minutes* Okay... I uh... I um... can’t talk about Mirei Park without having an aneurysm. PLEASE skip this bullet point if you don’t want to read Mirei Hate. I just... I Hate Everything About Her And I Don’t Know Why She Fucking Exists. I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade and if you like Mirei, y’all welcome to feel how you feel but... she is the only thing I truly Hate about game 5. I just... leaving aside my personal feelings about the... Majima part of her story which we just... Won’t talk about... Leaving that aside... I don’t know why she’s here? She’s the person who convinces Kiryu to leave his children. She’s predatory, she took advantage of a vulnerable young girl to live out some personal dream? Like, sure, economic opportunity, independence, but we don’t get a lot of motive from Haruka that it IS her dream to be a pop idol. She has said in the past that’s not what she wants, she makes mention of doing this for the money to support her family, Mirei LITERALLY SAYS she wants Haruka to do the things she couldn’t, and ultimately Haruka asides not to do this anyway because she’d ratehr be home with her dad! So what was the FUCKING POINT of Mirei Park? Is she a villain? Is she sympathetic? What the fuck was I supposed to take from her? How the fuck am I supposed to read her? She tells this TRAUMATIC story off-hand to Haruka to... justify her decisions? Motivate Haruka? Dragging in another long-term character for no good reason and reframing how we have to think about said character. But then THIS NEVER COMES UP AGAIN. The information wasn’t even important! It’s just traumatic! If it was supposed to keep Haruka doing the pop idol thing, it didn’t work! Haruka still leaves! If this was meant to deepen our relationship to Mirei or complicate her or whatever, IT DOESN’T, SHE WAS LITERALLY DEAD THE NEXT SCENE. I just... WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE?! What even the fuck was I supposed to do with any of this?! Leaving ASIDE my VERY intense feelings about what this did for Majima (for the sake of not going ogg Even More than I already am, I just won’t talk abotu it here), I just have no goddamn clue what the point of Mirei even was. She’s not useful to Haruka’s arc and she only serves in Kiryu’s arc to be a villain. We could have had Haruka leave home and decide in the end that Kiryu’s her dad and that’s where she wants to be a MILLION different ways, we could have done that MUCH more kindly and consistently with the rest of her character and values, but we don’t! We have this shitmess instead!

I’m really really sorry to anyone reading this who likes Mirei. You don’t have to agree with me! And I’m not trying to make you feel bad! I’m not trying to tell people how they should feel or what they should get out of the story. If you got something out of her, you related to her, you found her part in the story meaningful, that’s great! I’m genuinely glad that you did. I... didn’t. I have a lot of negative opinions about what happened. Usually I try to just not talk about it because I don’t want to ruin someone’s good time. I’m not here trying to start shit. So I apologize for my tone and I did try to put a warning before it and recommend it be skipped if it’s the sort of thing that would offend you. My Mirei rant is over now, I won’t talk about it again.

I have absolutely no idea why Akiyama is in this story, tbh? He contributed very little, but I’m glad Haruka got to hang out with someone cool and that one of her uncles was here watching out for her, since Majima was “dead” and Kiryu was in the middle of a personal crisis ^^; I love Akiyama, always happy to see him, but he really had nothing to do here ^^; I was sad for no Hana though 8C Wherever there is Akiyama, there must also be Hana!

Shinada... is adorable and actively injured the plot. I’m sorry, I just... no one ever talks about the fact that including Shinada in the story actively hurt it. I love him too! He’s an incredible idiot and very sweet, but why the fuck is he here? What did an ancient baseball cover up have to do with anything? This was the only way you could think of to put Daigo in the game again? Really??? And Daigo doesn’t even do very much here! So like... not really worth it. You could have had a whole substory of Daigo finding out what happened to Majima, fuck DAIGO COULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE PROTAGS. THERE’S A THOUGHT. We could have utilized, y’know, characters we already have, but no, instead we introduce this dumb fuck to do... what exactly? Oh right, beat up Baba AFTER HE HAD ALREADY DECIDED NOT TO SHOOT HARUKA! Like, YOU DIDN’T EVEN NEED SHINADA FOR THE THING YOU NEEDED HIM FOR. Saejima and Kiryu were enough of an influence on Baba to stop him! And that makes sense out of Baba’s character arc, since it’s about personal redemption and learning to be a person and his faith and love of Saejima, y’know, the character he actually HAS a relationship with, is about that. The point of Baba was him learning it WAS his choice and him MAKING that choice. See, I can’t argue that Baba’s superfluous to the plot, but he WAS the threat! He was actively involved and he’s what makes Saejima involved. Shinada doesn’t occupy the same space, he has no horse in this race, he’s not yakuza, he’s only here because he and Daigo kinda like each other or whatever, and, again, HE WASN’T EVEN NEEDED! Baba’s arc was complete and the threat was terminated without this shit! Like, Akiyama has no reason to be here either, but at least he was a true neutral, neither helping nor harming the plot. We actively waste time to bring Shinada in and he hurts Baba’s arc by overly punishing him and potentially risking the decision he just made. Like if I was Baba, I might have gone “you know what, fuck you, I will shoot her just because your self-righteous ass decided to hit me for MAKING THE RIGHT CALL” Jesus...

I hate to be nothing but a curmudgeon but just... no one brings that up and I just had to say it if no one else was gonna.

As for villains, the game would have been a lot stronger without the “thwarted destiny, I should be on the throne” bullshit especially since the story has done a SHIT JOB with the legacy of Nishiki and in NO WAY utilized the fucking koi or the burden of Nishiki’s death properly for this to hit the way it should. It makes theoretical sense that Kriyu’s last villain should be the reincarnation of Nishiki, but the story did not build that up or support it so it falls really flat. That said, the main problem in Kiryu’s arc is that dying is not a resolution. Dying doesn’t fix a problem, it only delays it. THAT’S the thing we have to confront and we almost nearly do and... I’m just so excited that we finally articulated that, I’m willing to forgive A LOT.

And finally we wrote Majima entirely out of the game only to confirm that his only reason for living is Kiryu and then, again, didn’t resolve it because, y’know, fuck ending things, I guess? But he did have that sweet fight with Saejima and can do shadow clones now I guess? Fucking ninja magic or whatever. Sure, Majima’s so OP he can do fucking shadow clones now. No, teleporting wasn’t enough, he can fucking shadow clone. That’s like a staisfying story arc right? ...right?

#Yakuza 5 spoilers #Mirei Park hate #this is probably saltier than it should be #I really do love game 5!#Just... it fucked up little things and it makes me sad #floweysky

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viktcrr-alt · 5 years ago

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MAXENCE DANET FAUVAL / NONBINARY — don’t look now, but is that viktor samuels i see? the 24 year old visual arts student is in their senior year and he/they are a rochester alum. i hear they can be observant, ingenious, reticent and dependent, so maybe keep that in mind. i bet he/they will make a name for themselves living in garcia row. ( james. 20. est. she/they. )

LAST INTRO WOOOO !! u know what to mf DO !!

TW DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS, MENTAL ILLNESS

a e s t h e t i c s

old tvs and their static, worn tapes, horror movie screams, spilled ink, a sculptor’s hands, clay-stained, chicken scratch handwriting, messy notes, messy hair, scoffs and eye-rolls, bruised knuckles, sore throats, funeral homes and a crying preacher, shattered ceramics, knife fights, high ledges, vertically-striped pants, red lights, the moon shrouded in clouds, cigarette butts.

general info !!

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - jan 2nd

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′0″

hometown: rochester, new york

sexuality: uuuhhh god … probably pan tbh

stats

biography !!

okay so … born and raised in rochester, new york to the well known samuels family. preacher father, a mother, a twin sister born 15 minutes before him - aka tatiana samuels, who died back in january.

kinda … grew up as a really awkward, quiet kid? like … just didn’t really interact with other kids super well, preferred being alone and like … digging up bugs in the dirt. only friend was like … his own sister.

grew out of this as they got older, instead sort of … becoming a bit of a dick? to compensate for years of awkwardness? will bite the hand that feeds him. was a full on nuisance by middle school. tatiana was not, at least, noticeably.

has always been a fan of darker materials, y’know - grim and creepy, morbid shit. big fan of tim burton ever since he was a kid, which isn’t … a good look for a preacher’s son, but he’s never really felt ~in~ with the rest of his family, anyway.

drew disturbing pictures as a kid probably tbh that prompted one or two or five phone calls home 2 assure everything was fine.

has always been really … good at art, in general - from drawing to painting to playing with clay, that’s always been viktor’s Thing.

aNyWaYs. being tatiana’s twin brother was kinda hard sometimes. tatiana and him were near opposites besides their same mean-spirited trait. she was better in the public than he was, but viktor was arguably more talented than tatiana. they both loved each other deeply and found each other as competition for their parents’ attention - a rivalry, of sorts.

high school is when viktor really started to act out - started extreme, like losing his virginity in their church and vandalism around the neighborhoods. faked being possessed in the middle of sunday service. almost had an exorcism performed on him, probably.

the only redeemable trait was like … his sheer talent with art. was in a 3d art AP course, specialized in sculpting - could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

because his parents would be focused on disciplining him for his antics, tatiana could sneak away and get away with stuff easier. so like, y’know, that’s on the bright-side of things.

never been particularly motivated to do much - wasn’t planning on attending lockwood but his parents kinda … did and sent in his application for him b/c they were Not on board with him Wasting Away (wanted him out of the house asap)

actually pretty smart !! just doesn’t like … want to apply himself ever. double majoring in english and visual arts because they’re like … two of his only interests :/ plus he wants to write and illustrate his own series of children books with a style similar to tim burton’s

he’d been experimenting since high school but college is where he really started to like … crack down on himself and figure himself out. was out as pan & nonbinary by his sophomore year of college, just … not to his family, necessarily. thinks tatiana always knew, but didn’t … really use it against him, blessedly enough

always felt like the whole twin - connection thing was … both wack and also not-wack? sometimes it felt believable but sometimes he had no idea what was going on in tatiana’s head. but he felt oddly transparent to her, always - like he was predictable to no one but her.

( TW DEATH, GRIEF, OVERDOSE / HOSPITALIZATION BEYOND THIS POINT )

but when tatiana disappeared - it was like, like viktor knew. the moment she had been kidnapped - felt something deeply wrong in his gut. and when tatiana died - viktor felt something cut so severely in him. he knew, he always knew exactly when. he couldn’t put his finger on how - but he knew. even when everybody else held out hope for her to be found - he knew.

went on a bender around the same time, had always struggled w/ drug addiction but it got worse the longer tatiana went without being found.

( also struggled heavily with his mental health, too ?? has manic and depressive episodes. will fixate on a sculpting project for six months and then purposely knock it off the table and destroy it in the matter of seconds once it’s finished for. no fucking reason. impulse spends A Lot. )

when her body was found, viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing and being hospitalized where he spent the next like … however long months … until they deemed him better.

has been back since the beginning of fall semester in an attempt to finish his senior year - mostly out of his parents’ insistence that he did, because he very much did not want to.

is still dealing with a lot of trauma & grief, which was only amplified with dean lockwood’s death - causing him to spiral and be unpredictable with his mental health. some days are good, and some days are very bad.

personality !!

the human embodiment of a gremlin, fed after midnight. a goblin, if u will. one of those cats with a narrow head and big ass ears. that’s him.

b i g horror & halloween enthusiast. loves the old campy horror movies. probably has an abundance of masks from different movies. dresses like a grimy millennial beetlejuice more than he should. love those vertically striped pants!

fashion alternates between e-boy (would b tik tok famous if he were like … 17), millennial beetlejuice, and like … goth in a crop top and sweatpants. big fan of crop tops. big fan of sweatpants.

he can be fucking mean. petty, aggressive, instigator. will literally spit in ur face or no reason. kind of person who’ll stick his gum into other ppl’s hair. other than that he’s like … pretty okay. he’s not always mean, he’s just a dick like … 70% of the time lmao

i mean yeah okay he’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except He Feels Like It And Believes It. it’s fine he’s fine, we’re fine.

despite the fact tht he’s probably getting into fights whenever - considers himself 2 be a lover n not a fighter but that’s just because he Fucks a lot. kind of uses it like a coping mechanism, like he’s this big fancy carnival show that’s like ‘come one, come all! fuck the dead girl’s twin brother!’ may have a problem w/ hypersexuality but it’s nothing he’s fully. aware of.

the preacher’s whore son, basically

like i said he’s pan & nb, switches between he and they pronouns but like … he has such a fragile grip on his identity that u could call him ‘dog-faced bitch’ and he’d turn like hey wassup :)

vastly impulsive, like i’ve mentioned … destroys his own creations 4 the fun of it, spends all his money on useless shit, will cheat on someone bc he feels like it. screams into the night sky frequently, like a cat in heat.

i mean he also creates useless shit for no reason too. spent six months sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of him and then took a sledgehammer to it.

dramatic fuck. used to play the organ at the church like … when no one was looking after him and service was about to start. just these creepy as melodies. would do the same thing at home on his keyboard w/ the organ setting whenever he got grounded until his parents took away his keyboard sadjfkg

won’t talk about his time away b/c it’s not rly anybody’s business but ofc nothing is sacred to the watershed app, y’know, nothing’s private.

still like - he absolutely refuses to talk about tatiana’s death and like, his mental health or his addiction (he’s fallen back into it tbh but it hasn’t gotten bad again … yet) or like … anything involving his own emotions

will literally just change the topic! abruptly, no warning, asks about the jonas brothers instead.

that being said he’s obsessed with tatiana’s death. tatiana was very much a rock for him, kinda dependent on her in a way? just … being there, y’know, kept him grounded.

so he obv became a shepherd bc he wants to know Everything there is abt the app, wants to be deep inside it, wanted to know Who Exactly Killed Tatiana and like … not saying he wants 2 commit murder but :/ yknow. he’s very upset.

emotionally unavailable while also like crying twice a day.

will tell you straight up what he wants from you, no bullshit, no beating around the bush - just blunt. if he wants to just fuck, nothing else, then that’s that. if he feels deviation he’ll ghost in like. less than a second. kinda awful like that! feels no shame.

but like … also is emotional ?? as shit ?? it’s confusing. he’ll cry on a whim and then flip u off if u try to console him or like. ask him anything. will bite you.

he goes to therapy but he generally fucks around and wastes most of the time until the therapist threatens to like … idk what therapists r allowed to threaten. to send him off to another therapist? idk.

likes being intimidating but like … not with his body or nothing ‘cos he’s a TWIG, but like … uses his love for horror n creepy shit to his advantage. has an abundance of fake blood. has channeled the energy of jack nicholson and used it on tatiana’s boyfriends before.

( also a big fan of sfx makeup, has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids with a chainsaw (w/o the like … chain … or w/e … so it’s not actually Dangerous) around halloween

he’s generally never doing good, both mental health wise and morally.

would probably steal candy from a baby for the fun of it.

i don’t know if there’s a good to him, deep down, and i don’t know if he sees any issues with himself either !! nothing really breaks through to him anymore, the only person who ever really made him stop and Think about his actions was tatiana.

kinda introverted, recluse type who doesn’t rly like most people or going out, but he’ll go to parties if it means he’ll be high as shit.

pretty observant. likes to analyze people even though he’s probably not … fully right.

wanted connections !!

he lives alone currently but like … ex - roommates where viktor was just. a nightmare to live with.

feel like a lot of enemies is also a possibility !! viktor’s messy.

people that like … knew tatiana. dated tatiana, even, and viktor would pretty much try to intimidate / scare them at any given chance :/

close friends of tatiana too

people who hated tatiana but liked viktor. people who hated viktor but liked tatiana

people who take pity on him and he Hates it viciously and vocally.

a band of hooligan gremlin kids who do drugs and fuck shit up around town like they’re edgy teenagers even though they’re all early to mid 20s.

the girl he lost his virginity 2 in high school lmao … a distant memory

fellow rochester locals, from church or school or whatever

exes from the past !! good terms and bad terms, but i love bad terms a whole lot mainly b/c viktor’s a jackass.

don’t know if he’s soft towards anybody but we can try. we can Try.

friends, old friends, new friends, bad friends, good friends, close friends, frenemies, etc. etc. all of it

hookups !! so many hookups. fwbs, one night stands, whatever.

uuhhhh god. i don’t know. im so sleepy rn. people in the same major or similar majors.

maybe a ride or die.

people he’s a bad influence on / an enabler towards / all around toxic for them / each other.

people he’s fought !! people who’ve seen him get into random fights and were like ‘uh wtf’

fellow shepherds !!

literally anything im not picky.

#huntingtonintro #death tw #grief tw #overdose tw #drugs tw #addiction tw #hospitalization tw #hypersexuality tw #murder tw #religion mentions #mental health tw

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viktcrr-archive · 5 years ago

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MAXENCE DANET FAUVEL / NONBINARY. — viktor samuels is really making a name for themselves as a tier 3 shepherd. i think that he/they are studying english + visual arts in their senior year at lockwood, living in peregrinis. originally from rochester, new york, viktor is known to be observant & ingenious, but can also be reticent & dependent. — james / 20 / est / she/they.

3/5 !!! once again ... little edits

TW DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS, MENTAL ILLNESS

a e s t h e t i c s

general info !!

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - jan 2nd

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′0″

hometown: rochester, new york

sexuality: uuuhhh god … probably pan tbh

stats

biography !!

drew disturbing pictures as a kid probably tbh that prompted one or two or five phone calls home 2 assure everything was fine.

has always been really … good at art, in general - from drawing to painting to playing with clay, that’s always been viktor’s Thing.

the only redeemable trait was like … his sheer talent with art. was in a 3d art AP course, specialized in sculpting - could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

because his parents would be focused on disciplining him for his antics, tatiana could sneak away and get away with stuff easier. so like, y’know, that’s on the bright-side of things.

( TW DEATH, GRIEF, OVERDOSE / HOSPITALIZATION BEYOND THIS POINT )

went on a bender around the same time, had always struggled w/ drug addiction but it got worse the longer tatiana went without being found.

when her body was found, viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing and being hospitalized where he spent the next like … however long months … until they deemed him better.

stayed out of school until very recently b/c he just … didn’t want to go back. didn’t want to deal with it. didn’t want to be known as the dead girl’s twin. but then his mom kinda just was like ‘u go back 2 school or god so help me’ n he was like FINE.

so ya !! viktor’s back after being gone since tatiana’s body was found. that’s it, that’s him, a lil glimpse of his life.

trying to finish his senior year b/c he … obviously left before he could.

finding out that it was george who killed tatiana has ultimately ... caused viktor to spiral. his lows are some of his lowest, his highs are ... very high, but very bad. unstable & unpredictable in his actions it’s ... a whole thing :/

personality !!

the human embodiment of a gremlin, fed after midnight. a goblin, if u will. one of those cats with a narrow head and big ass ears. that’s him.

fashion alternates between e-boy (would b tik tok famous if he were like … 17), millennial beetlejuice, and like … goth in a crop top and sweatpants. big fan of crop tops. big fan of sweatpants.

i mean yeah okay he’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except He Feels Like It And Believes It. it’s fine he’s fine, we’re fine.

the preacher’s whore son, basically

i mean he also creates useless shit for no reason too. spent six months sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of him and then took a sledgehammer to it.

won’t talk about his time away b/c it’s not rly anybody’s business but ofc nothing is sacred to the watershed app, y’know, nothing’s private.

will literally just change the topic! abruptly, no warning, asks about the jonas brothers instead.

that being said he’s obsessed with tatiana’s death. tatiana was very much a rock for him, kinda dependent on her in a way? just … being there, y’know, kept him grounded.

emotionally unavailable while also like crying twice a day.

but like … also is emotional ?? as shit ?? it’s confusing. he’ll cry on a whim and then flip u off if u try to console him or like. ask him anything. will bite you.

( also a big fan of sfx makeup, has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids with a chainsaw (w/o the like … chain … or w/e … so it’s not actually Dangerous) around halloween

he’s generally never doing good, both mental health wise and morally.

would probably steal candy from a baby for the fun of it.

kinda introverted, recluse type who doesn’t rly like most people or going out, but he’ll go to parties if it means he’ll be high as shit.

pretty observant. likes to analyze people even though he’s probably not … fully right.

connections to the victims !!

tatiana samuels / his twin sister, other half - the only one able to control viktor.

george craig iii / close family friends ... they could appreciate each other, when viktor wasn’t being an outright asshole.

hana williams / ‘friends’ with benefits, their relationship was rocky at best but she was a good lay. have often fought due to their clash in personalities and viktor’s history with christoph.

christoph wainwright / an ex-hook up, an infrequent occasion whenever christoph wanted to tick off hana. viktor was often on board, never the one to consider others’ feelings.

wanted connections !!

he lives alone currently but like … ex - roommates where viktor was just. a nightmare to live with.

feel like a lot of enemies is also a possibility !! viktor’s messy.

people that like … knew tatiana. dated tatiana, even, and viktor would pretty much try to intimidate / scare them at any given chance :/

close friends of tatiana too

people who hated tatiana but liked viktor. people who hated viktor but liked tatiana

people who take pity on him and he Hates it viciously and vocally.

a band of hooligan gremlin kids who do drugs and fuck shit up around town like they’re edgy teenagers even though they’re all early to mid 20s.

the girl he lost his virginity 2 in high school lmao … a distant memory

fellow rochester locals, from church or school or whatever

exes from the past !! good terms and bad terms, but i love bad terms a whole lot mainly b/c viktor’s a jackass.

don’t know if he’s soft towards anybody but we can try. we can Try.

friends, old friends, new friends, bad friends, good friends, close friends, frenemies, etc. etc. all of it

hookups !! so many hookups. fwbs, one night stands, whatever.

uuhhhh god. i don’t know. im so sleepy rn. people in the same major or similar majors.

maybe a ride or die.

people he’s a bad influence on / an enabler towards / all around toxic for them / each other.

people he’s fought !! people who’ve seen him get into random fights and were like ‘uh wtf’

fellow shepherds !!

literally anything im not picky.

#wshintro #grief tw #death tw #overdose tw #addiction tw #hospitalization tw #hypersexuality tw #religion mention #mental illness tw

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winemom-culture · 5 years ago

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An interesting development for me this year is honestly having mixed feelings about whether or not I want to have more kids. I’ve always been so certain, yes, of course I want more when I’m ready. But then I think I started thinking about it as a genuine reality, because I started dating my boyfriend, who also wants kids for real in the distant future. Obviously, we’re not at that point/planning anything and that’s something that wouldn’t even be a thought for a long long long time and who knows where we’ll end up in all that meantime. I have years worth of things I need to get done before I’d ever consider marriage+more children. (Nd like honestly, marriage is a /major/ stipulation before the “more children” part) but like, what I’m getting at here is it Comes Up. First in the cutesy new relationship way then later in the form of more serious conversations about future ideals.

I admittedly did a lot of the bringing up at first, because like holy shit, a guy I really like who actually really wants a family someday, that’s exciting & something I’d been majorly looking for in a partner. Then the panic set in, to the point where I had to be like. Actually let’s not talk about any of that anymore for now LOL 🤪

I think it’s in part my debilitating fear of commitment in general kicked in swift (which I am, god willing, going to get myself back in therapy to work on someday maybe eventually) and also just thinking back to Charlie’s early baby stages from like...0-2.5 and how all my memories from that time are like peppered with misery and hysteria. And of course I was so young, it was pretty much Bound to present a specific set of challenges that may not be as big a factor as an adjusted adult. But It was hard in ways that are indescribable & even foreign to me now trying to think back & put myself in those shoes again emotionally, all Logical brain remembers is crushing loneliness/isolation & a lack of support physically & mentally. I think I was hit pretty bad with postpartum depression, I didn’t have much support when it came to that sort of stuff between my emotionally unavailable family & ex. so I never got help I definitely needed and I think that’s a big part of what tainted all these memories. Maybe I’m doing like, whatever the opposite of romanticizing it is as time goes on and over exaggerating a little bit. I know logically, there was a lot of good to it too. That it wouldn’t be on my mind so hard if becoming a parent wasn’t something absolutely, world-shatteringly incredible also. But I can’t shake this feeling lately where I see a couple out in public with a carrier and just powerbomb back in time to that stage of my life & feel...like I’m choking on a lump in my throat.

I tell myself that under better circumstances, it’d be easier. The answer in my heart when I ask myself if I really want more kids is still immediately very clearly yes. Actually being stable, married, trying for a baby with a spouse..the intimacy...it’s my honest to god DREAM, if I can get over this catch 22 where I’m simultaneously terrified of it. I think I’m overthinking it in my brain though, saying “well, I’d just be doing it to prove a point then.” I want the white picket fence life that makes up for all the inner turmoil my teen pregnancy caused. I think about supporting more kids vs. just supporting Charlie, & how even if I make just okay-ish money (plus, if I had a spouse making okay-ish money who presumably loves Charlie as their own & were okay with not having actual biological children of their own) & if it were just him- and I poured all that energy into raising him, in theory, he wouldn’t be hurting for anything he ever needs. I think about how by the time I’d be ready for that Charlie will probably be at least like 10 already and well into school and starting over with breastfeeding...bottles..diapers..daycare. I’d HAVE to be well off enough to know I could sufficiently provide that stuff for them without question and take care of myself/take care of a spouse & be taken care of in a reciprocating way that makes the whole thing not be completely and totally draining.. I just simply do not know!

This was way longer than intended. Just full blown rambling about shit that’s been heavy on my mind lately. So sorry don’t mind me. My ass needs a personal blog for this kinda stuff again

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vaporwave-trolls · 6 years ago

Note

🖊

#sad gorl hours x 2

mimoris past is fucked so trigger warning on all aspects,if anyone wants to try and ship with her i do recommend reading the last bit

lets do mimori for this one cus i have so much rps going on with her and some are heading onto some personal stuff for her ,ive also actually been asked about her past cus i constantly say shes fucked with 0 explanation so here it is folks,why exactly is mimori so angsty and violent

so before this i should mention mimori is actually one of my first trolls that have been around for eons and gone through so many revamps and was trashed for 3 years only really being brought back recently so most trolls mentioned in this belong to other people that just no longer have blogs or they left the f.t community . that aside lets get into this bitches traumatic past

so currently mimori is a partner dance teacher,so she teaches classes and does performances/compositions, that is the most calm you will ever see her because outside of that she is actually pretty violent, can and will fight anyone for any little reason and had committed murder a few times its no longer a big deal,shes just depressed and bored with living cus everythings a routine

so breaking it down shes had 3 mates 1 forced mate 1 morail and 2 kismesis, keep in mind ive had her for like what 7-8 years which is why shes had so much

so mim was actually extremely sweet she wouldnt hurt a fly the lady wouldnt even swear, her life was fine and dandy up until her first mate meilin,a teal blooded lady in the mafia. meilin pretty much told her she was too weak and needed to actually do stuff besides sit around and look pretty much started the ball rolling,mim started to practice fighting she learned to use a gun she wanted to help her girlfriend but in the end she was just to small and easily over powered by others so what did her mate do, her mate sold her into slavery because mim is a lavender mutant and albino which got meilin a pretty penny so off mim went into the hands of a high blood

she was forced into red with levric, a indigo/fuchia cup sea dweller, dude was jacked on money and liked exotic shit so mim was like a jack pot especially since at the time mim didnt speak alternian or English (she was used before i even moved so everything was still Japanese including her and her lusus) and she was albino the guy was enthralled with her, but it wasnt a real relationship so there was a lot of abuse and demands,she was a slave after all,after awhile of this her luses (a haradashi that took a monster women form) came to pretty much break her out of slavery but harda mom was caught and mim was forced to watch her mom pretty much be tortured and gutted in front of her which flicked a switch and she rampaged, she tore the place down killing anything she set her eyes on like full berserker mode that took her 2 days to come out of

a sweep after that she met her morial beibei,a lime mutant who was an assassin,they where beyond close but mims past caught up quick and someone has put a bounty out for killing the large sum of highbloods a sweep prier when she escaped, ultimately beibei was hired by someone and tried to betray mim,the fight was pretty narly but in the end mim had killed beibei, this fight left her with a scare on her back that follows her spine

after that having been betrayed but her first mate,abused in slavery,witnessed her moms death and betrayed a second time killing a friend she was pretty done and became a hardcore alcoholic playing around with drugs too,she just became really depressed and no longer cared,

few more sweeps of abusing her liver and systems she met exavir, an ex clown who soon became her mate, this guy helped her kick the drug use and slow down on the drinking and hurting herself but this guy also had his own demons,a clown cant leave the church trolls wanted him and he couldnt control his violent out bursts so she ended up in another abusive relationship but this time around since he helped her with her addiction she saw nothing wrong and started thinking the abuse was just a form of loving someone,one day he lost it and was loosing control of his chuckle voodoo and asked mim to kill him.she couldnt kill him so she watched her mate sink into insanity and go on a violent outbreak ,he tried to kill her but she finally had no choice and killed her mate

fast forward some more sweeps she had a kismises retton, a red blooded lady who worked as a bar tender, turned out they where a violent drinker and once again mim was abused but she didnt register it as abuse,it went on for a while till retton killed herself and mim found her dead in their hive so once again mim was alone

then finally we come to her 3rd and final mate, delrio, a blue blooded lady who worked in some shady business she never knew about, delrio ended cheating on her constantly fighting,the 2 just werent working out and by this time mim had grown tired of loving people in the end she killed delrio just cus and left them for dead

her very last relationship and her most resent was her last kismesis ,jakeel, an off fuchsia fish boy, he kept trying for mims red but mim was emotionally unavailable she was too scarred and broken from her last few mates she was sure it was a curse and didnt want another mate in fear of repeating the past so he settled for black instead but it got to point where he no longer wanted black he wanted red and if he couldnt have it with her then no one could in which he decided to kill her, which once again clearly didnt work cus shes still around and she ended up fighting him and killing him and that was all

so thats that, mimori no longer believes in quads or love in any form be it black or red,she believes love is just a fake thing people use to make themselves feels better and she doesnt think she deserves it so the closes thing she gets to it is to read romance novels which she thoroughly enjoys. she has so much mistrust and anger left in her which is why shes so violent,it got so ingrained in her head that she has to fight and be strong or else she’ll die and her past mate was right that it flipped a switch to the whole other side to the point violence is just part of her and murder is just a hobby. the thought of falling in love or trusting someone again terrifies her and shes blocked out those feelings for sweeps now. like if someone where to just reach over to pat her shoulder or hold her hand she’ll flinch and punch them away,the only way to touch her is if your dancing,shes fighting you,shes plastered or she herself invites it

she mentally dead pretty much she sees herself as a walking corpse but she wont let anyone know how fucked she is becuse she thinks its a weakness and hates it,she hates anyone thats weak

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stephhannes · 4 years ago

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booked and busy

sometimes when i think about dating again i’m like “how am i supposed to do this when i’m not young and hot anymore?” and then i have to remind myself that i’m 25, not dead. it’s hard to not feel behind though when everyone i went to high school with is already on their second marriage.

speaking of marriage, all of my friends got married last summer. i get that pandemic weddings suck for the people getting married- but they were great for me, because i didn’t even have the option of having to be like “haha hey sorry i can’t come i’m still grieving the loss of my wedding xoxo send me ur registry.” for future reference, i am still emotionally unavailable to attend any weddings. i don’t even really drink anymore so don’t even think about trying to lure me in with an open bar- hit me up for your second weddings, i might be ready by then.

let’s address the elephant in the room: i’ve been lonely lately. i’ve finally gotten to a point where i’m not constantly in survival mode, the last couple of years have been tough- between the whole being so sad i thought i was simply going to pass away thing and being so poor that i thought i was going to pass away thing. but i’m finally at a place where i have a little bit of time to think of other things than “oh my god am i going to be able to pay rent this month?” and the thing i’ve been thinking about is how much it sucks to come home to…just myself.

in november, i officially moved back to austin after my departure due to the pandemic. when i initially returned, i wasn’t sure how long i’d be back in austin for. my lease at my apartment ended in july, and i ended up basically housesitting for a friend. and as the paramount kept having events, i kept extending my time housesitting. and eventually i wound up with a second job.

a coworker asked if i was available for a couple-day gig and i was like “yes, i love money” and that gig has extended until now. it’s not technically permanent, but maybe if i bat my eyelashes enough i can keep working. i’ve now somehow weaseled my way into the TV industry which is hilarious because one of my favorite pastimes in college was getting involved with film bro dudes and absolutely horrifying them with how little knowledge i have of tv/film.

with the second job, i knew that i needed to find a place to live. i also knew that i still didn’t make enough money to actually be able to rent anything in this hell city without a guarantor, and as a woman that has no financially stable adults, my options were slim. and somehow- i got lucky. the friend i was housesitting for ended up actually moving out, and i just slid right in. and now look at me! the proud renter of a house! i have a backyard! i pay way too much money in rent! i love it!

i love my house. she’s uhhhh, quirky- but she’s a place to live. in november, i began the arduous process of moving all my shit from abilene back to austin, a shuffle i’ve made too many times at this point. it took three trips, but i eventually moved my wares- a desk, a nightstand, a handful of kitchen items, my clothes. for awhile, it was pretty empty in here. but it’s finally starting to fill in. i spent my first couple of weeks building flatpack ikea furniture, and eventually started scouring the salvation armies near me. my biggest dilemma was trying to find a couch.

how do people with no friends, no truck, and no money get a couch to their home? i’d find a cheap one on facebook marketplace, but would need someone to pick it up for me. i looked through wayfair, but the idea of waiting for a couch that may or may not arrive in 5-10 weeks and need two people to assemble was too much. and eventually, my neighbor was like “hey do you want my old couch? i just got a new one” and i was like “uh yes, absolutely.” shortly after that, i found a chair at salvation army for $25. and hark! there it was, finally i had a place to sit down. as they say, every desk is a standing desk when you don’t have anything to sit on.

when it came to furnishing my place, i was willing to wait for the right pieces. when i moved in, i thought a lot about the place i had in philly with nathan. if i’m being honest, i hated it. all of our furniture was black, from walmart. it looked ugly, it was uninspired, but it was functional. and sure, at that point, that’s all that mattered. we only lived there for a month, so obviously there wasn’t time to actually move in and personalize it. but still, i didn’t want to have that experience with my place. in all honesty, it’s always felt like home. even when the only thing i had was a mattress on the floor of my bedroom and a bar cart. but now that it’s starting to fill in, it’s been really great.

when jose first came to visit, he immediately was like “this place has good vibes,” and i have to agree. when i first moved out on my own after nathan died, i moved back into an apartment that i had already lived in during the before times. it haunted me. even though i had filled it with completely new furniture, in a completely different arrangement, the walls still knew too much.

sometimes it’s lonely living by myself. i’ve always had a roommate and this is my first time where i’m just coming home to me. i miss living with nathan. it was all the perks of living alone (not having to wear pants in shared spaces, being able to be awake at stupid hours of the night) with the addition of the warmth of being able to come home to a partner. to be able to say “hey, i’m at 125th right now, i’ll be home soon,” and have someone excited for my arrival. to not have to stress about doing all the chores because someone else was there to lighten the load. to have someone to reel me in when i start spiraling before bed.

i had to have a weird conversation with myself when it came to hanging up pictures on my wall. i have pictures with all of my favorite people, which obviously includes pictures of nathan and i had to take a moment to ask myself “does seeing his face every day still make me happy?” when i try to make myself sad, i’ll go through all the pictures of him on my phone. and for a period of time, catching the glimpses of us hanging on my wall would put me in a weird mood. i ended up leaving the pictures up. i hate thinking about the day i’ll eventually take them down.

becoming a home-renter has taken a village. from my friend advocating for me to make sure i got the lease, to jose and dan coming here on the weekends to do all the stuff i just don’t have time for (yard work, knocking down wasp nests, cleaning my blinds), to everyone that’s given me furniture or other home goods. and most recently, my friends that let me live with them during the snowstorm because my home became uninhabitable because one of her quirks is that she’s impossible to keep warm!

i’ve felt so supported by my friends lately, which has been dope- but there’s still a lingering emptiness. starting next week, i’m going to attempt to fill that emptiness with 50mg of zoloft (yes, ya girl finally got an anti-depressant prescription), but realistically, i know that i’m missing having a partner.

something i’ve noticed a lot on The Apps is that dudes will put “no kids, never married” in their bio, and while i do appreciate the child disclaimer- the whole ‘never married’ disclaimer sends me on a spiral. because like, yeah i’ve never technically been married, but i feel like that’s an even worse way to try to explain my past than just being like “yes i’m 25 yes i’m a widow yes we exist,” and it’s like- why are you seeing that and addressing it like it’s a red flag? shouldn’t be a good sign that there’s been at least one person who liked me enough to want to marry me? i still haven’t worked out the best way to navigate the whole “haha yeah i’m a widow” conversation, as you can imagine, it’s A Lot to ingest.

(also, a quick side tangent- over the last few months, my blog has gotten a lot more hits, like literally thousands more than usual, and as a result of that, i’ve been getting a lot of pushback because of the way that i refer to myself as a widow even though i wasn’t married. i’ve never had to make this disclaimer to anyone that knows me in real life, because they get it. but i wanted to make a quick disclaimer to anyone that’s ever thought “lol this poor grieving woman isn’t a widow!!! i must tell her in a very rude way!!!” literally the only reason i wasn’t legally married was because nathan died before we could get married. in every other aspect, we were married. we had joint finances, we were on a lease together, but more importantly, every decision we made was with the other person in mind and with the intent of bettering each others’ lives- we were very much A Unit. being legally married doesn’t legitimize a relationship in any sort of significant way, other than….legally. the whole point of marriage is to promise to take care of someone until they (or you) die, and that’s exactly what i did. and by that merit, yeah, i do refer to myself as a widow. if you want to be technical about it, legally, no i’m not a widow…but like….get over it….are you really going to argue semantics with someone that lost their partner?)

ok so back to the hell that is Being On Dating Apps. i’ve done my time, i’ve put in my work, and when nathan and i got together i was so excited that i didn’t have to date ever again because honestly, i hate it. and now look at me, back in business.

it’s exhausting being this unimpressed by men. my arms are tired from having to carry every conversation.

i’ve talked about the first date i went on after nathan died, but the second one is truly a train wreck that needs to be witnessed.

picture this: i’m on bumble, and i start talking to this dude that’s like….pretty decent. we’re having a good enough conversation, and eventually he’s like “hey! let’s get lunch this week” and like an unsuspecting fool, i said yes. so we go to lunch, and once again, things are surprisingly normal. until eventually, he looks me in the eyes and says with his whole heart- “hey, i’ve gotta be honest with you. i’m actually a magician, i recognized you on bumble from in & of itself and i really just wanted to pick your brain and ask some questions about the show,” and i immediately was like “oh yeah for sure, let me run to the bathroom real quick and then we can discuss magic” and then i literally made myself disappear. i just left. poof. no trace of me to be found again.

i’ve always said that i hate magic because if i wanted to get lied to i would just do it for free by talking to a man- and boy, have i always been right.

anyway, now i live in fear of being bamboozled by a magician again.

one time i let my friend swipe through my apps for me, and she was like “you sure do match with a lot of people named nathan,” and i was like “yeah, i think it’s the trauma.” i went through a phase where i’d swipe right on anyone with any sort of commonality with nathan….like literally anything. i’d see someone that graduated from columbia and i’d be like “ok that works” or like…..i’d see a picture of someone playing a trumpet and i’d just swipe right.

i’ve tried to break myself of that habit because like, that’s not fair to the other person but sometimes i recognize those little patterns and it’s just a little reminder of how i’m still broken.

when i’ve mentioned being back on apps, sometimes people are like “omg how did you move on? i couldn’t imagine dating someone else” and first of all- bold of you to assume i’ve moved on, also bold of you to assume that it’s not totally terrifying to me. being back on apps isn’t the same thing as being in a relationship with someone else. just because i’ve been casually talking to people doesn’t necessarily mean anything substantial. it’s progress, but the thought of having to be genuinely vulnerable around someone else is hard to wrap my head around, especially now with all this additional baggage.

there have been times in my life where i’ve struggled with feelings of being unloveable. when i was in college, i was convinced that i would die alone. and a lot of the work that happened within my relationship with nathan revolved around getting me to a place where i was able to be like “i am a person deserving of love.”

i’ve had to come to terms with the fact that there are also countless other people in this world deserving of love, and i have plenty of it to offer. do i wish i was offering to nathan? absolutely, all the time. i know that my relationship with nathan is incomparable, but that doesn’t mean that i can’t go on to have fulfilling relationships with other men. right before nathan and i got together, in the time when we thought we were about to go our separate ways- we had this conversation where i was like “lol you’ll be fine, you’re about to move to new york and you’ll find someone better than me and forget that i exist” and his response to that was “shut the fuck up, do you actually believe that? i have what i have with you- even if i wanted to, i couldn’t just replicate that with someone else.” and i think about that a lot now- in the sense of i had i had with nathan, and nothing will touch that, or replace that, or compare to that- and that’s totally okay. that doesn’t take away from or negate the importance of theoretical future relationships.

i can’t say that i’m actively looking for a partner right now, but if the opportunity presents itself, i’m not opposed to the concept of dating someone. like i tweeted the other day, “i can’t believe that one day i’m going to have to be a mother figure to a straight man, yet again.”

ok cool, so that’s enough vulnerability for today- i’m gonna save the rest for my therapist xoxo

+++

the fun thing about having jobs (plural) is that instead of feeling emotions i just feel stressed. i can’t believe that i’ve finally become one of those people that has to be constantly doing something but here i am, working from 9-5 and then coming home to do chores and then scrolling through my phone while watching netflix because god forbid i allow my brain to have one single moment where i’m alone with my thoughts. some days i work from 9am to midnight and those are the days where i really don’t have any time to be alone with my thoughts. thank god!

i have been taking time to try to do more creative pursuits. i’ve been writing more- recreationally. my resolution this year was to become the most insufferable woman in the world, so i am currently working on both a screenplay and a stand-up routine. i’ve also been doing some freelance editing and social media consulting. which like…..how millennial of me to do.

circling back to the “having thousands more readers” on my blog thing i mentioned earlier, i checked my stats the other day and i’ve somehow gotten 10k page views in the last few months. i’ve been getting a lot of DMs on instagram/emails/etc from people that are like “oh my god i feel so much less alone now” which is insane.

after nathan died, i purposefully stayed away from all grief content- i didn’t want any influence on what i was feeling- especially when i started writing how i was feeling. i wanted to be able to look back on it and know that the feelings i was writing about were uniquely mine. and then slowly, i started introducing works about grief into my reading lists and i also remember having those moments of “oh!! other people feel this way!!” but, if i’m being honest, a lot of grief writing makes me cringe. i hate platitudes, i hate cliches, i hate when people try to give me unsolicited advice and i hate published collections of advice even more.

nonetheless, i keep getting asked the same question- “does it ever get easier?”

so here’s what i’ll say about that, it does.

there was a period of time in my life where i’d be awake at 4am frantically googling “can you die from a broken heart?” (spoiler alert, apparently you can). i didn’t leave my house for 9 months. i literally could not be social without having to step away to cry. it was impossible to function. everything felt so incredibly empty (and i definitely still have days where things feel meaningless), i was literally a whisper of who i used to be. and then gradually, it got easier. my chest was a little less tight, the weight on my shoulders was a little lighter, and now i probably feel the closest to “myself” i’ve ever felt.

everyone told me that the second year is the hardest, but there was a chunk of time where i didn’t even think i would make it to the second year. and then i did. and the second year has been weird (love grieving and also getting tossed into a pandemic) but it’s been better. i’ve been joking about it a lot more. which i’ve noticed a lot of people being very confused by- but to paint you a picture, one time pretty shortly after nathan died one of my friends texted me and was like “hey…..you haven’t made any jokes and i’m pretty concerned. you must really be doing terribly if you’re not joking about it” and they were right! i was doing terribly!

but i’ll leave you with this- perhaps the most egregious platitude of them all- it gets better.

but first, it’s going to be really awful.

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ladymadsen · 7 years ago

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1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? The last person to tell me they loved me, was my best friend / soul sister, Emmi. She definitely means it, as do I, every day that I tell her the same recurring sentiment. 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

Absolutely freaking not.

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

Umm . . . aggravated and happy. I know I’ve felt it. Most likely with my ex?

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

I do that almost every day.

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

I mean, possibly, but I doubt it. Men aren’t exactly nipping at my heels these days.

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

Hahaha, yep. “Soap” by Melanie Martinez made me think of a friend of mine I’ve been talking to.

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

A tight black turtle neck underneath a black dress with roses on it. Definitely channeling the Audrey Hepburn vibe today.

8. How often do you listen to music?

Every time I’m alone. Whether it’s in the car, or with headphones, I’m always listening to music. Melanie’s album, “Cry Baby” has been on repeat, as well as a few singles by Cigarettes After Sex.

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

Black jeans.

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2018?

God, I hope so. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with my life, outside of trying to stay ahead of my depression, figuring out how to record my next album, and not dating people who just seem interested in sex.

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

Eh. Depends on the damn day.

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

Yup. Yup. Yup.

13. What about ‘R’?

Mhmm.

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

Barely.

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

Eh. Yeah, I guess. Depends on the person. If I care about them it’ll hurt more, but if I don’t, I’ve grown a thicker skin, so it doesn’t hurt as much. 16. Are you going out of town soon?

Planning on it. 17. When was the last time you cried?

During a movie I watched about a beautiful life I will probably never possess.

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

Of course I have, what kind of question is this? 19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

No. My eye color matches my hair. 20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

Yes. My little brother William. 21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

I am completely uninterested and bored by the life I lead. 22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

Yes, because I don’t think men do that unless they are feeling an emotional attachment. In my experience, when my significant others have stopped doing this, I knew something was up. 23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

Nope. 24. What are you sitting on right now?

An office chair if you must know. 25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

My friend Emmi. 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

HAHAHA. Need I remind you of my unfortunate dating history? Next question. 27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

Greg. 28. Do you get a lot of colds?

Yes, I do. 29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

This turtle neck is from Target. 30. Does anyone hate you?

I hope so, otherwise I’m doing something wrong. 31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

Usually, but not since moving to Utah. Normally it’s empty wine bottles. 32. Do you like watching scary movies?

Yes I do. Ghost stories are my scary movie preference. 33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

Not particularly.

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

As much as I would like to erase the past five years, I suppose living those years has made me a stronger, (or some other positive bull shit we tell ourselves). Whatever, I guess. No regrets. 35. Did you have a dream last night?

Yes I did. It was about Greg, actually. I also think my sister was in it, and I was drowning at some point. 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Like, “love”, love? Um. Not recently.

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Jesus, at the rate I’m going, probably not. I’ve pretty much lost all hope. If I am lucky enough for that to happen to me, I am eloping.

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

I know one person does for sure, but there are two others that are sort of on the “meh” scale. One of the two, lives far away from me, and we have a history, but he can’t seem to cough out the words, “I love you” to save his life. The other man is emotionally unavailable, so rather uninterested at the moment. So, sure? Maybe? Obviously, my love life isn’t exactly fulfilling. 39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Perhaps, although I wouldn’t presume to think the thoughts are always good, or full of admiration.

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

My day yesterday was “just a day”. 41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

I would hardly call the end of my former romantic interaction, a “relationship”. That would imply there was trust, love, and safety, to which there was absolutely none. So no. I guess I was in more of a deceitful, selfish, vicious cycle, with a man whom I once, at the very least, considered to be my friend; but who turned out to be nothing more than a dishonorable and scared little boy. 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

Yeah, probably. 43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Yes, and it turns out they were lying through their serotonin soaked tongue. 44. What’s the best part about school?

Becoming exposed to other perspectives and opinions. 45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

Was the author of these questions in their 40s? 46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

Of course I did. I used to stick handmade letters in people’s lockers. 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

Sometimes, but I noticed it was making me extremely anxious, so now I just let memories fade. What’s the point of recalling something that is just going to hurt you? 48. Were you single over the last summer?

If I had known better, I would have been. 49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? No. It’s better in some ways, worse in others. 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

Working. 51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

Eh. Hate is a strong word, but I’m rather unimpressed with him at the moment. 52. Are you nice to everyone? I try to be. 53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Yes. Three times. My ex husband, a former client, and my last boyfriend. 54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Yes. I do. I’ve done it. 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

If I don’t want you to know something, you fucking absolutely will not know it. 56. Do you think you like someone? Skipping this question.

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

Um, probably. Can you tell I’m really invested in remembering this info? 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

Girls. Boys just cause problems. They’re experts at blurry lines.

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

Too many, probably. 60. Do you hate anyone?

With how cynical I am being while answering these questions, would you honestly believe me if I said no? Of course, I do. 61. How’s your heart? It’s good, despite how I may feel about it lately. 62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

** skips question **

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

I prefer to think about the moments I burned their photographs and threw out their things.

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

Most likely my parents, a few ex friends I’ve pissed off, my ex boyfriend, and my ex producer. Guess what, though? I could literally care less. 65. Are your toenails painted pink?

No, want to paint them? 66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

With my luck? Probably. 67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

Eh. Makes me sad, actually. I don’t like watching people cry. 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

No, and if they have, I obviously don’t remember. 69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

No idea. 70. How do you look right now?

Annoyed by this stupid question. 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

My friend Kelli is pretty wonderful, she lets me be myself apologetically. 72. Can you commit to one person?

Yeah, if someone would fucking let me. 73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

Nope. 74. Have you ever felt replaced?

Does my ex husband running off with a 19 year old twat, count?

75. Did you wake up cranky?

I wake up sad. 76. Are you a jealous person?

Jealous, no. Motivated, sure. 77. Are relationships ever worth it?

THAT IS THE ULTIMATE QUESTION, ISN’T IT? 78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

My sister, and male “friends” who aren’t really interested in being my friend at all. 79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

Sure. The man in my brain that doesn’t actually exist in real life. 80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

Wake up. 81. Last person you cried in front of? A rather new acquaintance. I started crying when a certain song played, but I don’t think he noticed. 82. Is there someone you will never forget? A Thai female escort I met while working as a stripper in Los Angeles. She had the purest heart I had ever known. She was working so she could send money to her family. 83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

I highly doubt it. 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? Being held and feeling like I’m wanted / needed, would be a lovely change of pace. 85. Are you over your past? This questionnaire has proven that to NOT be the case. 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

Yup. This question is boring. Next. 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

Yeah, my friend Emmi. 88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? God, no fucking way. My first love was an absolute loser. I deserve way better. Same goes for my first boyfriend, and husband for that matter. No. Thanks. 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

** shrugs ** that is the most unlikely thing that could ever occur. 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

Oh, you mean my ex husband? 91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

GOD, RUB IT IN WHY DON’T YOU. 92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

Funny you should mention that . . . 93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

I’m sure I have.

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? Um, no. 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

I was falling in love with him. 96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

Unfortunately. 97. Who do you have texts from?

Who do you have texts from? Snoop. 98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

“Big surprise, there! Have fun with that, and good luck!” 99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yes. 100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? Nobody. 101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

No. I doubt I ever will. 102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

Of course, but that feeling is few and far between these days.

#questions #100 questions #get to know me #get to know the blogger #get to know you #creepy #creepy questions

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lyricanalysis · 8 years ago

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the *real* brallon song

so this is a song called always by panic at the disco off of vices & virtues, right? now we’re gonna save the chorus for the end. LET’S ALSO just make it known that i am a brallon stan and have an intense dislike for ryan but LET’S ALSO just make it known that this is not going to be ryan hate (???). i’m just interpreting the lyrics from the way that i see it.

setting the time and all. v&v was written, as a lot of people know, right after the big panic split and after jon and ryan left the band and most importantly (my fave) dallon joined the band. so for this theory of mine to work, we have to establish that from my perspective, brendon was 110% in love with ryan. the way that that relationship has always come across to me is that it was really (and i mean extremely) one-sided in the fact that brendon fell head over heels for ryan and ryan never really felt anything in return besides using brendon for some great sex. which, ya know, whatever. SO ANYWAY, that’s just the mindset i have for writing this out.

we’ve got the first verse of the song:

When the world gets too heavy

Put it on my back

I'll be your levy

You are taking me apart

Like bad glue

On a get well card

now i totally see this song as brendon writing it for dallon 100%.

so there is a live stream that dallon did at one point where he said that before he joined panic, he essentially watched the death of his own band. he saw it reach a level and he had no idea how to get it farther and knew that that was essentially the end of his band and that made him depressed, like guys, he actually said depressed himself. (also, i’m not even saying suicidal or anything but like, for this to work like major depressed, my poor old man). so this first verse is brendon talking to dallon when they first met.

i’m just going with logic that when dallon tried out for the band it was already known to brendon that he used to have his own band that had failed cause, ya know, resumes and shit. so brendon will come in knowing that and honestly, i’m sure without even asking, brendon knew how hard that was because he probably had fears of that happening to panic and it’s hard to see that shit happen. he’d probably assume that dallon had taken it hard (especially since dallon even said that if panic hadn’t worked out then he was going to give up on music altogether).

so brendon, when they first met, tells his new band member that hey, you’re having a hard time but let me deal with it. i don’t like seeing you get upset. which is really kinda adorable but i’m picturing this as the very beginning of their friendship and neither knows a lot about the other.

moving on, second verse:

I'm a fly that's trapped

In a web

But I'm thinking that

My spider's dead

Lonely, lonely little life

I could kid myself

In thinking that I'm fine

this verse has literally nothing to do with dallon except that it’s backstory for the next verse. so going with the one-sided theory, brendon took the “breakup” with ryan hard. (now, i’ll talk about it in a different song analysis if i do it but basically brendon confessed his love for ryan and ryan said never ever will i love you and queue sad music).

it’s pretty blatant though. brendon is the fly who’s caught in ryan (the spiders) web. but of course, the spider died (ryden is dead). the spider died when ryan left the band because basically, ryan strung brendon along, let him do his stage gay (prolly slept together) and all this and he let brendon believe that sooooomething might happen but then at the end, it was never going to. so brendon’s upset over it and probably feels alone because after a rough breakup, who doesn’t? we all lie to ourselves and say that we’re just fucking fine without them but we all know that we’re looking through old messages and thinking of what could have been if only we’d just done this one thing differently.

third verse:

That I'm skin and bone

Just a king and a rusty throne

Oh, the castle's under siege

But the sign outside says, "Leave me alone."

my brallon heart goes pitter-patter here. the first line is just brendon’s description of himself, essentially. he stopped caring about himself after ryan left. ‘what’s the point’ sort of mindset. he let himself go because there’s no reason, he’s skin and bone and there’s nothing left without him, woe is me. it’s really angsty god damn.

my sister and i argued over this meaning for a long time but the metaphor is the castle is panic at the disco as a band and the throne is ryden, right? so the castle being under siege is dallon joining the band. a new guy coming in and wanting to do different things (i wholeheartedly believe that dallon had a HUGE influence at least musically on v&v because it’s all got that steampunk-esque, old-timer, brobecks feel). brendon is sitting on this rusty throne of what he wants to retain because he misses ryan and he’s holding on tight to this past relationship because it’s all that he has left. he doesn’t want to leave which is why the sign outside says leave me alone. dallon came in and is probably trying to help him move on, start fresh, get over it (and love dallon but, ya know). dallon brought new hope but because brendon was still being angsty, he didn’t want to let go of old panic just yet.

chorus:

It was always you

Falling for me

Now there's always time

Calling for me

I'm the light blinking at the end of the road

Blink back to let me know

AND NOW IT GETS A LIL GAY OKAY. so i feel like this comes after everything else. brendon has accepted that panic is changing and ryan is gone and it was because dallon. (dallon was the one who fell first). that’s why it was from brendon’s perspective. dallon fell for brendon because brendon was emotionally unavailable, still pining after ryan and not accepting the death of that one. but he’s starting to realize that he can’t get it anymore and now all there is is time for him to move on.

and my favorite part of all. ryan was one-sided and it tore brendon up (to what extent, nobody can be sure but i’m trying hella hard not to think about it). brendon knows well enough that he couldn’t do that again so he’s asking dallon with this song if dallon has feelings. ‘blink back to let me know’ because i can’t do this again unless you feel the same.

thank you and have a nice day.

#panic! at the disco #patd #panic #brendon #brendon urie #dallon #dallon weekes #vices and virtues #vices & virtues #always #the song always #brallon #ryden #ryan #ryan ross #its not really about him but #hes in there i guess #lyric analysis #lyric breakdown

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my-bobohu-blog · 8 years ago

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personal updates before bed~

school wise... mmm... depression/anxiety/stress are still there... still very present and still... very much dealing with all of that. academic coursework and everything i can handle pretty well. there’s only a few weeks left so i’m just taking it day by day and trying to do the best i can. i’ve been pretty on top of everything so i should still end this quarter pretty well if i keep it up for a few more weeks. the d/a/s is umm... taking it’s toll? but i’m handling it a lot better... some days better than others... some days not so great. like i was really anxious today and kept shaking but i managed to get through the day so that’s always good. i took a big nap when i got home too so that was also great. and there was no homework due tonight so i didn’t do anything all day LOL. tomorrow is thursday and i’m gonna wake up early and head to school to do some review for bio since i have an exam on friday. tomorrow is just gonna be bio review then i’ll spend the weekend studying for chem since i have a quiz next week and i really need to study for chem and get all that together. mmm... i’m still on track to getting two degrees and a minor... there will probably complications on the road to getting them because i’ve just learned to expect that now from this institution because they just love fucking me over... mmm... not much i can do about that though except try my best and just enjoy learning about science when the time comes. i’m done applying to the MLS program! skogs just sent my letter of rec this morning and hopefully they’ve received it. dsjfsldjfsdf i really really really really really hope i get in because mls is literally my saving grace and my hail mary and my everything. like there’s not really a plan b? well... i kind of have a plan b. i was just gonna haul ass and finish bio in a year and just graduate with my bio degree. sdfslkdjfsldf but we will seeeeeeeeeee. ahhh... but mls is... like... my everything. literally.

personal life... mmm... not the worst it’s been? honestly not the worst. oshian slept over yesterday and we just spent the day talking. watched hidden figures finally and got kbbq afterwards~ i told her about hai and she’s super duper convinced that he likes me and that i should make a move. she consulted her boyfriend taylor and he also agrees and i’m just like shut up all of you *blushes* but yea... i think... i really want to try... because i think... he could like me back? and... i want to try. he makes me feel happy... like... breathing is a lot easier when i’m around him... so... i want to try. and maybe he likes me and maybe he doesn’t. maybe he does but maybe he’s not ready... either way, i want to try and whatever happens- i know i want to keep him in my life whether it’s as friends or as more... so no matter what i’ll meet him where he’s at and how he’s feeling when all this comes to... we’ll seeeeeeeeee. LOL my current plan of action is to hold his hand though~ the whole “can you hold this for me?” and then just put my hand in his. i’ll just laugh and smile at it and if he keeps holding on then that’s where we’ll be. idk. it’s worth a shot i think. it makes me nervous honestly LOL i’m like trying very hard to keep my chill right now because if i get my hopes up too high then it’ll hurt all the more and i’ll end up pushing him away. DEEP SIGH. it’s alright. it’ll be okay. but anyways~ along the lines of friendships, i have oshian, hai, bb yeh, and ryan. oshian is there for me to rant with, hai listens and makes me laugh and just... leaves me in a good place, bb yeh is just my twin soul honestly, and ryan is nice enough to keep me company every once in a while. so i’m not alone and i’m learning that and it’s helped a lot.

i’m still dealing with a lot of things but... it’s... okay? like i /am/ dealing with them and it’s a lot but... bit by bit it’s okay. like even if i’ll be in school for two more years and even if i’m gonna have to haul ass... it’s all temporary? and i still have my future and i still have a lot to live for? right? so... yea... life hasn’t gotten any easier, but i’m learning how to deal with what it throws at me. i’m getting a lot better at handling the d/a/s but it’s... a work in progress. i’m a work in progress. it doesn’t go away just because i want it too. it’s there and i just deal with it in the healthiest way i can and hopefully that’s enough to get me to the next day.

anyways... that’s where i’m at currently. i spend a lot of days just sleeping in the late afternoons. i post a lot to the other blog just because it’s soft and vulnerable there and that’s how i’ve been feeling lately. it makes me happy though. i really like it there. mmm... i miss exo a lot. i feel like i’ve been really worried about them lately... and everything just makes me nervous? i don’t know why. but i hope they’ll be nine again soon because i’ve missed them together. mmm what else... idk? i haven’t really been... all /here/ honestly? like mentally? emotionally? i feel so... unavailable. idk. but i guess that’s just another thing i’m dealing with. which is okay too. it takes time and effort and a lot of love.

i’m sure there’s more i want to say... like my refusal to accept the notion that hai might like me back because of reasons? idk there are a lot of things i guess... i just... haven’t figure out how i want to say it yet or how to put it into words.

hmmmdmmmlmmmm... idk a part of me just wants to keep typing and kind of unleash everything? i’ve been... holding in a lot i think. my stomach feels like it’s in knots these days and i’ve had a lot of breathing problems. idk where to begin or end or whatever though. ahhh oh well.

okay. that’s probably enough for a personal update mmm?

laaa dee daaa~ goodnight~

#personal #mmm i thought this was gonna end up differently #turned out a lot more... rambling and jumbled than i thought....#mmm... s'okay though #i think i just wanted to... put things down and reflect a little... it's been a while #sometimes i like writing in happiness in a cup because it makes me want to view things in a good light #but there are days i just... don't wanna spin it that way you know?#like... i just want to be blatantly honest #and this... feels like it's enough #and i just... i think i feel better?#idk yet #we'll see #i'll probably ramble more later #either here or in my journal #depends i guess #mmmm #sleepy sleepy~#night night~

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