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moodysnowflake · 4 years ago

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Hello there!

Warning guys, nasty SPOILERS ahead, both of FFVII (+ Remake) and FFVII Crisis Core.

The severity of spoilers is arguable, it depends on the level of involvement you have or you got in the series, so please be aware that what you're stepping onto might be a wildflower lawn as much as a war minefield.

I saw, read and heard a lot of people complaining about Cloud's dancing scene/minigame, grumbling about how:

1. Stupid it was;

2. Degrading it has been;

3. Zack would have been disappointed.

Let's take it in strides, shall we?

1. Stupid? I'd rather say silly, more than stupid. Stupid means doing something that you've no idea how/why you're doing. FFVII never made that a mystery: there was a goofy vibe in the original too, and that was on purpose. You couldn't handle the story otherwise, it would just have been a mess of violence, death, tears and blood. Light moods are needed for you to recuperate, recharge batteries and balance. Otherwise, we all would've ended up like Sephiroth.

Character perspective wise, Cloud might not have understood from the beginning (as much as I love him to the bottom of my essence, he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer - that's also why Sephiroth can do what the fluff he wants) what the hell Aerith roped him into, but when he gets the idea he accepts it (in his very Cloud way) and faces it with one of the most determined look he has ever sported. He's willing to let himself be dragged on and about the stage by Andrea, because he knows this is for Tifa, so it doesn't matter if he has to shake is ass in front of a bunch of strangers. He never really cared about his reputation since Crisis Core; he doesn't care about what people think, he's doing it for the woman he loves (shut your trap, he loves her as much as she loves him, he just needs time to untangle himself from his nightmares - and someone smacking him on the head really hard).

Secondly, player perspective wise, is it really such a stupid section? How many did manage to get a perfect score on the very first try? Camera speed, moves and angles pulled some interesting stunts, didn't they? Tricking your depth perception, together with the lights going bananas. Even if they weren't; everything has been coordinated and perfectly synced with the music. If you'd refrained for two seconds from blabbering insults you would have noticed that you could've actually used lights as another cue to help you sync, with the music and Cloud's movements. It's called peripheral vision, you need to expand your focus as much as you can and split it both on the background and the forefront. That gives your brain the capacity to better throw information at you so you can react faster, 'cause you're actively trying to remain perceptive of your surroundings too. Just like in battles.

If that shooting dynamic would have been present during battle, nobody would have survived, not even a doomrat.

2. Talking about degrading. Did Cloud strip naked? Did he have to put on a honeybee outfit? As much as he was very uncomfortable, Andrea (a.k.a. the game) pushed him only up to the limit that still felt secure enough and over which it could have been really perceived as abusive. Andrea could have done that and Cloud would still have obliged (because Tifa) but his objective was not humiliating him. He wanted to play with the dangerous SOLDIER, over which he, paradoxically, even for a tiny bit, had the power and control. Still, he didn't overdo nor overuse it (that is some good representation of a BDSM Dom, btw).

Moreover... I mean... Did you really look at him? Those were not exactly noobs moves, he nailed that too (but that's something I'll talk about next).

About the dresses: are you seriously complaining about them? I admit that the black/white one is not exactly the best (but it's your fault for ditching all Wall Market's quest... you had it coming), and I prefer the blue corset one over the lilac/black silk.

Point is: you have to sneak a guy who's built like a fucking BRICK WALL into Corneo's audition. How in the ever-loving hell are you supposed to do it? The only things playing in Cloud's favor are his facial features and his height: he's the smoothest skin I've ever seen, light jaws and is compact enough not to stand out too much among average-height girls, but that's it. He has shoulders and muscles for days. You have to cover him as much as you can, and how would you do that, if not with a broad gown, puff-sleeves, and a corset? If you're wondering about the chocker/high neck+thick necklace: it covers the Adam's apple, genius... And all the frilly, shiny laces of the lilac dress and the extensions are needed to divert the attention from his neck, clavicles and forearms, otherwise, you'll notice the buff.

That's why he had to look like a Victorian maiden.

Putting him in a catsuit, with latex or leather stretching over every inch of skin, or a sundress, with arms and legs on display... That would have been a bad idea.

Andrea is talking about not being afraid, and that's an awesome message: if you feel comfortable and beautiful, why not doing it? If you're happy, do it. It's not your problem if other people are insecure about themselves and try to pick on you because they're afraid and, most of all, jealous of your confidence, identity, and fortitude. They're just disrespectful and sad, and you should avoid them like the plague.

And again, Cloud doesn't seem that much fazed about it. I think he's more annoyed than anything; having to move in that huge-ass skirt, squeezed in a corset which is not letting you breathe and turn around would make everyone who's not used to it lose their shit. Women or men, regardless, it's a pain either way, especially if you're a fighter and need to move freely. Also, if you notice, the heels he's put in are not that much higher than his combat boots... Sure, they're thinner, but that's why he's not wobbling like a newborn calf. Did you see him swaying through the streets? That was some awesome heel-walking.

What ended me was how he was moving after he woke up. Have you seen how completely ungraceful he is, and at the same time fluidly stands to check on Aerith and doesn't trip over his own feet? In a dress like that, being that agile is shamefully amazing. Then, he swings like he's in the SOLDIER uniform, spine blocked because of the corset, moving his center of gravity too much because of too broad steps, awkwardly bobbing, switching too much weight from feet to feet, getting his stance rigid. That's precious. And hilarious af.

He has to held still as much as he can to try and convey the feeling of being scared, but we know he's just trying really hard not to wreak havoc in the audition room and slaughter everyone.

(Despise lighting, which being warm oriented would have mingled with the blue of his irises and shift them to green, I still believe that in that scene his eyes were going mako. In some millisecond-split moments, they seem to really flash out. That's hella relatable: you're using all your self-control not to cut open the scumbag who's lusting and sniffing and drooling and being awful to your friends. Plus, you're being groped and talked down too? The only thing you can do is look, and boy does he Glare™

(Cloud is not afraid/disgusted of other men touching him, but people seem to forget it. He just doesn't want Corneo to touch him. He doesn't move when Andrea touches his lips nor react when he swings him around in the dress, he doesn't move when Biggs pats him on the head on the pillar (I bet he would give everything to have Zack do that again, just one more time...dammit [I know what happens in the final cutscene of the Remake, but the post below this one explains why I think this]), he doesn't pull away when he grabs his hands, and not only he grabs it back, but grasps with the other one too. [Captain Levi vibes, anyone?])

He didn't have control over his eyes and I firmly think he didn't even intend to; he let them glow on purpose, just because that was the only thing he could unleash and nobody would have noticed.)

Cloud dancing is not stupid, nor offensive. Cloud is a loyal, caring friend, who doesn't have prejudices and is comfortable (as much as he can be) with his sexuality and identity that he's not questioning it nor getting scared (and violent) at the situation.

Do I have to dance and dress like a woman to help my girl? If it's the best way, so be it. She needs my help, I'm not gonna let her down. Gonna be a pain in the ass to fight, but I'll manage. I'm not that insecure of myself that a dress is going to make me have an existential crisis.

If you're a man or a male, and your friend/lover/person you cherish would ever be in a life-threatening situation (and this is, 'cause if they were on their own, they would have died), and the only option would be for you to dance and put on a dress to save them, but you refuse because you have to dance and it's a dress... Just a fucking dress... Well... You're not that decent of a friend, nor human being...

3. So. About Zack. If you think he would've been disappointed/disgusted... Are we talking about the same character? 'Cause I think we're not.

Zack Fair, SOLDIER 1st class (previously 2nd), 6 foot and a ladder, black hair, blue eyes, scar on his left jaw. Droll af?

Just because he's a legend, a powerful, passionate and strong-willed person, doesn't mean he couldn't be a quirky dumbass.

The first line said to him in Crisis Core is "Get serious" by Angeal... Angeal who described him to his mother as a PUPPY.

The same guy who jostled his mentor, a fucking SOLDIER 1st class, in front of their boss, when he knew he recommended him.

The same guy who tried to get Aerith on a date after 5 minutes.

The one who grabs a parasol to fight troopers without breaking a sweat.

The one who faked defeat by sixth-grade-Yuffie in Wutai.

The one who dances with the Cactua he summons?

When Angeal discusses the plan and tells him to charge the front gate of Wutai on the first game mission, he's jumping like an over-excited dog.

And, most importantly, the only living being who actually managed to:

- Make Sephiroth care (after Hollander with implanted Jenova cells escapes, he tells Zack Genesis’ copies had been seen in the slums... And with that frigging Knowing™ look, and a smirk, he tells him "Permission to return... Granted", Seph's gentlemanly way to say 'I know you have a girlfriend down there, you should go check on her':

Then Sephiroth says goodbye first

And fucking smiles (Zack wasn’t able to see it ‘cause he was already walking away)

- Yell at him over the phone and live;

- Pull a GENUINE laugh out of him. When they're trying to locate Angeal and Genesis, Sephiroth calls him. The conversation goes as:

S:"You and I are gonna find them [Gen & Angie] before they [Shinra] do, and..."

Z:'And WHAT?!?!' *angry bark, to which Sephirot pulls the phone away*

S:"...Fail to eliminate them"

Z:'For real?!'

S:"[AMUSED HUFF] Yes, for real" *playful mocking of Zack's words*

Okay, that was a huff, BUT STILL... Not even Sephiroth (when he was still a human being...because yes, he was, and a pretty decent one too) was immune to his Puppy Dog Energy. Look. At. That. Smile.

So this is what I think.

The only thing Zack would be disappointed about would've been Cloud not dancing enough.

Heck, he would've jumped on the stage as soon as given the signal and dragged Cloud along, yelling in his face to be heard over the music "This is gonna be great! Let's show them what a SOLDIER can do! We're gonna put all these cute bees to shame!" ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ

Then again... If Zack would've been there...if we think about it, a part of Zack was there.

During his childhood and infantry training, I seriously doubt Cloud had any occasion to dance or learn how to do it.

Plus, he couldn't have done it during his 4-years mako-comatose state.

This doesn't leave that many options.

It is very likely that, like his fighting ability, his dancing moves were coming from Zack's memories too.

In a way, we can say that Zack, in the end, was there on stage with him.

Gosh, I'm gonna cry so much... ಥ_ಥ

#ffvii remake #ffvii theories #cloud strife #honeybee inn #cloud dancer #zack fair #me gongaga #ffvii crisis core #ffvii compilation

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fycarmensandiego · 6 years ago

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My thoughts on the new show

It’s not really a proper review because how would I even do that, so here are my various thoughts, somewhat collected! (This is long as hell, fair warning.)

General thoughts:

Le Chevre and El Topo are definitely a couple. I’m so glad other people in the tag are seeing this too. My first inkling was when they were hugging each other after graduating, but it was Carmen’s comment that they only ever work together that really got me like “oh they’re gay.”

Speaking of gays, Dash Haber (Countess Cleo’s courier) is one. His voice is so gay-coded, I knew this one immediately. Not crazy about him being an antagonist (even among antagonists), but he amused me, so he’s good.

Even if they have the same names, these are different characters. The exceptions here being Carmen, the Chief, and possibly Julia. This isn’t a Tomb Raider: Legend case of putting characters in different situations and slightly changing their personalities, or even a Tomb Raider 2013 case of radically changing their personalities to coincide with their new paradigms. Chase, Zack, Ivy, and the rest are really entirely new characters that simply share their names with past characters. It’s almost as if the names are references to the past shows and games than ties to those characters.

For the most part, they even have different designs. Zack is certainly the most radical change, but even the most similar have some changes. Prof. Maelstrom isn’t nearly as stocky as his namesake, and while Dr. Saira Bellum has wild hair like Dr. Sara Bellum, it’s a strange shape as well as a strange color, and her skin is darker.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened in the franchise, either. Minnie Series from Where on Earth is apparently a totally different character from Minnie Series from the original Where in Time game. Adventures in Math changed a lot of the characters’ designs and backstories: some, like Jacqueline Hyde, still had the same core, but others, like Jane Reaction, are so different they have to be considered different characters. And then there are all the different iterations of the Chief: old white guy, middle-aged white guy, middle-aged Black gal, hologram, presumably white guy shrouded in mystery...

I will say that as a result of this, I was disappointed with Zack and Ivy. Not because this Zack and Ivy are bad characters, but because Where on Earth Zack and Ivy are my favorite characters in the franchise after Carmen, and I was looking forward to getting to see them, or at least characters resembling them, again. But, it is what it is.

I get the Kim Possible comparisons, but they’re not where I’d jump first. There are similarities: both are action shows with deliciously OTT villains (though the VILE gang wish they were as effortlessly iconic as Drakken, Shego, and Señor Senior, Sr. and Jr.) and similar art styles, and Player/Wade is a fair comparison. But I have to say I’d never have thought of that comparison if I hadn’t seen it here on Tumblr, perhaps because KP was rooted in Kim and Ron’s daily lives (Sailor Moon-style), whereas CS is rooted in its overarching plot (Chuck-style).

I do agree with another comparison: Coach Brunt and Countess Cleo, and Eartha Brute and the Contessa. I saw a post in the tag earlier today that brought this up, and while I hadn’t thought of it - probably because the Where in the World show is one of the parts of canon I’m least familiar with - it seems legit to me. I had wondered why these two were seemingly born out of nowhere, when the other three had their names and likenesses drawn from Where on Earth characters. (Shadowsan seems to me to be based on Suhara’s design and, to some extent, personality, with Shadow Hawkins’ name.) The specific theory that post espouses, that it’s a legal issue, seems possible to me. Although the World villains did appear in other Carmen media, I know WGBH and WQED own the copyright to the show, though they licensed the franchise from Brøderbund. So I have no idea what the legal tangle is behind that show, and I imagine it’s very complicated.

Speaking of WGBH: I wonder if Zack and Ivy being from Boston is an incredibly subtle reference to its location there.

I have mixed feelings about the art style. It is great in still shots, but I found it a little hard to watch as animation for very long.

I don’t ship anything – yet. Julia’s clarification of “travel partner” is certainly ripe for shippy implications, but for me there’s really not much on a personality level to ship her and Carmen at this point. (Likewise Carmen and Ivy, or Carmen and Zack.) I could definitely get behind Julia having a crush on Carmen, the way I feel OG!Jules certainly does.

As to Gray... he was plainly asking Carmen out / hitting on her when he gave her his card. But even on the way to the date, she insisted she saw him as an older brother figure. Like with Julia, I could potentially get behind it in future, but I’d have to see it developed further. There’s also the matter of him trying to kill Carmen, which I’m not crazy about... Carmen’s forgiven him since he was under orders from VILE, and his mind-erase courtesy of Dr. Bellum has given him a fresh start, but it didn’t change who he fundamentally is as a person, and that person made the decision to join VILE and ultimately to agree to kill Carmen. But I’m not totally anti-Carmen/Gray at this point.

(In re Carmen’s sexuality: I have always felt strongly that all of Carmen’s previous incarnations were ace/aro, but this Carmen? The sapphics have claimed her, and I’m here for it. I’m fine with her being gay, bi, or pan. I’m fine with her being acespec and/or arospec, or not.)

I was surprised by the violence. Scenes of literal attempted murder would never have made it in previous shows or games! In fact, a lot of the melee combat wouldn’t have. The franchise hasn’t always been totally non-violent - Ivy whacked the occasional villain around on Earth, and ThinkQuick and Stolen Drums both required the player to destroy VILE robots, the former featuring robots with personalities - but I don’t think it’s ever been shown in such detail as the combat scenes in this series. I don’t have a problem with it, exactly, but it was a little jarring.

Things I didn’t like:

The educational moments were utterly didactic. I guess you could say the same about Earth, but I feel like it integrated the education into the plot better, and it certainly made the educational moments more fun by working jokes into them. Meanwhile, this show is taking the Stolen Drums approach of info-dumping for two minutes and then moving ahead with the actual plot with no attention to education thereafter. To go back to my favorite video game (I warned y’all), fucking Tomb Raider: Legend did a better job integrating education with action. And it’s not even supposed to be educational!

Stop trying to make “caper” happen. It’s not going to happen. It’s a perfectly good word to use from time to time, as it always has been in canon, but for “The ____ Caper” to be every episode title, and for it to be used at every opportunity in the script when “theft” or “heist” or another word could have been used just as easily gets annoying. The thesaurus: it exists. Also, it’s so overused that at a certain point I started thinking of the culinary garnish instead of a crime. (And I’ve never even eaten capers. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen them in person.)

I’m not crazy about the newly established genesis of Carmen’s name. Having her grow up with no name but “Black Sheep” makes me feel uncomfortable tbh, and while I like the significance of her choosing her own name, pulling it off a hat label seems cheap. And out of character for someone as thoughtful as Carmen.

Some of the villains seemed like real cultural stereotypes. Thankfully, it was not nearly as bad as Adventures in Math, or we’d literally have had Le Chevre saying, “Hon hon hon, baguettes!” but Shadowsan and Paper Star in particular made me uncomfortable as they felt like very stereotypical “Japanese” characters. The same could be said of Coach Brunt, who while not a stereotype of any marginalized group, was definitely a bit one-note. Coach Beiste, but evil and Texan.

Cross-language misspellings. Namely, Shadowsan and Le Chevre should be Shadow-san and Le Chèvre, should they not? The omission of accent marks has always been one of my major bugaboos, and while it’s not the first time the franchise has done it, it still annoys me. Shadow-san’s missing hyphen annoys me even more, since the hyphen indicates that other honorifics could be used, and in fact, it would (if I understand correctly) be more appropriate for his students to address him as Shadow-sama or Shadow-sensei while his peers call him Shadow-san.

I felt some real misogynistic undertones to Tigress. In a show that otherwise is quite female-forward, it irked me that of Carmen’s four classmates, only one is a girl - and she’s the one who becomes Carmen’s rival. And then for that to continue throughout the series, setting her up as the mean girl to Carmen’s good girl (in many ways, the Regina to Carmen’s Janis Ian), really bothered me. I certainly don’t think female characters have to be perfect, or expect perfect representation, but it feels like Tigress’ development just was not done mindfully, and instead they let themselves fall into misogynistic tropes. It’s not like you to pit women against each other, etc. etc.

The ages and timeline confused me. Carmen seems to be in her late teens or early twenties throughout the main part of the series (I saw a post that mentioned she says she’s 20), yet she was clearly still a preteen or young teen when she stole Cookie’s hard drive. Since Cookie’s delivery is an annual event, its information shouldn’t last Carmen those several years to grow up.

By a similar token, Player seems to be the same age in the flashbacks as in the present day. As a result, he seems a little older than Carmen to start, and a few years younger to conclude. It messes me up. Not least because, not gonna lie, I want to be sure it’s okay for me to be so gay for Carmen.

Things I liked:

The references to previous canon. Along with the aforementioned names, we have:

Rita Moreno’s cameo! (Please, please, God, give us another Rita cameo and cameos for the rest of the Earth cast next season.)

Mentions of punning names. This was delightfully lampshaded with Gray’s original codename of “Graham Crackle” and the subsequent drags from his classmates. And while most of the other characters didn’t get punning names, one of the two who did was Rita’s character, Cookie Booker, the bookkeeper - or, indeed, book-cooker.

The very meta plot point of Carmen getting her outfit by stealing it from Cookie, voiced by her previous incarnation’s voice actor.

Frequent utterances of “Where in the world is...” or “Where on Earth is...”

Tigress’ name, a reference to an Earth episode where Carmen faces a new rival. I don’t know if the Duchess plotline was also a deliberate reference to this episode, or a subconscious one, but it’s so similar that I can’t think it was total coincidence.

I’m thinking “the cleaners” are a reference to the Ick brothers, the janitors from World and USA 3.0.

Carmen is ginger. I have a significant bias for redheads. (I dye my hair red and am only half-joking when I call myself transginger as well as transgender. Heaven on Earth-era Belinda Carlisle is one of my major style rolemodels.) Carmen suddenly being auburn for the first time just makes her even more endearing to me than one would have thought possible. Plus, Ivy and Zack both being redheads? Iconic.

Carmen is also gorgeous. Now, unlike some of you, I have never previously been gay for Carmen; she’s always been more of a big sister figure to me. Instead, as a kid, I was gay for TV!Jacqueline Hyde, Ann Tikwittee, and Ivy, in that chronological order. But the moment I saw this Carmen with her hair up in the trailer, I was a goner. And in her cocktail dress at the charity auction, or her black catsuit at the end of episode 9? I thirst. There were several other points as well where I was just like, “Oh my god, she’s so pretty.” Yes, darlings, I am very gay.

That choker. Most fashionable thing Carmen’s ever worn. Fight me. We love a stylish queen.

Player has a fidget spinner. And it’s only seen briefly, which to me says it’s an everyday part of his life, not something they threw in to try to seem cool... Which in turn allows me to point to something and headcanon that Player is autistic. He’s also known mostly by a username, and spends most of his time working on his special interest, and doesn’t seem to be one for socializing in traditional ways. We love an autistic prince. (Also, this makes him in some ways a male version of my girl Futaba from Persona 5. Again, iconic.)

(To be clear, especially since it wasn’t in my little self-introduction the other day, I’m self-diagnosed on the autism spectrum. So well-written characters being autistic is really fun for me.)

Player is from Niagara Falls, near where I live (I’m on the outer edges of the Buffalo/Niagara Falls MSA), while Zack and Ivy are from Boston, where I’m moving next month. Totally personal to me, but I’m so delighted. Now, granted, Player is on the Ontario side of the Falls rather than the New York side, but still. (Hell, who can blame him for not living in Niagara Falls, NY? It’s a hellhole.)

The VILE leaders stay iconic. Countess Cleo’s crush on Zack in his “Duke” guise is hilarious and adorable, and Dr. Bellum’s obsession with cat videos? Legends only.

Paper Star is generally fantastic. It’s actually too bad for me she’s a villain, because I find her super likeable. Her tendency to hum/sing to herself is also really endearing, and she’s another one who’s easy to headcanon as neurodivergent. I really hope we get more of her, and more of her outside combat and the daily business of villainery, because she’s easily my favorite of the VILE crew.

Tigress is also awesome. Yeah, the female character bias is real, but she’s def my second-favorite, which amplifies my annoyance at the aforementioned misogyny. To be honest, though, part of it may be that she’s basically Amanda Evert, my girlfriend from - you guessed it, folks! - Tomb Raider: Legend, with purple lipstick.

Zack and Ivy met Carmen while casing a donut shop. This is so delightfully silly, and I adore it. Like, who the fuck robs a donut shop of all things? I feel like it could’ve been a reference to them being fat, maybe one that was meant to be developed further but ended up on the cutting room floor? On that note...

The fat positivity is real. Zack and Ivy are still able to move around and are even somewhat athletic; the Countess crushes on Zack; and nothing negative is said about their weight (except the potential implications of the donut shop). I love this.

Carmen and Jules’ conversation. As I said above, it’s not enough for me to start shipping them, but I love that Carmen casually addresses her as Jules rather than Julia. It’s so much like when people I don’t know well call me Soph instead of Sophie, which I always love because it connotes that closeness. Moreover, since Julia’s previous incarnation / namesake was almost always called Jules, and was Carmen’s former detective partner, I feel like there’s an implication that Carmen coined that nickname and it became her primary moniker. It’s just so good, and shipping or no shipping, I really hope we get more interactions between them next season.

The voices are good... mostly. Maelstrom is definitely the one I was most impressed with, as his voice has a lot of character while still being easy to understand. Liam O’Brien was doing a great Tim Curry impression there, but much less egregiously campy and therefore more believable. Sharon Muthu was also fantastic as Dr. Bellum - not as fantastic as WOEICS!Sara’s voice actor (Candi Milo?), but then, who could be? And Kari Wahlgren’s performance as Tigress was snarly perfection.

Gina Rodriguez is a big departure from Carmen’s typically low-pitched voice, but she’s perfectly fine. I never sat up and went, “Wow, what a performance!” but I can’t find any fault with it either. Finn Wolfhard as Player is obviously cross-promotional stunt casting, but surprisingly, it’s also perfect casting.

On the minus side... Zack and Ivy. Part of it is that their accents are so ridiculous that it’s distracting (see above Tim Curry comment). Part of it is that, at least to my ears, the accents aren’t believable - I thought they were supposed to be from Brooklyn until they mentioned Boston. I actually don’t fault the VAs for this, as they both have moments where I got the sense they’d be capable VAs for the characters (and I know Abby Trott is talented as I loved her in Tales of Berseria and Nier: Automata), but rather the voice director(s) who pushed them toward those performances. I feel like if the direction had been different, I’d have liked Zack and Ivy a lot more.

That plot twist. I truly never saw it coming. I suspected that Coach Brunt was not, in fact, the one who found Carmen, but I’d actually thought it might have been Prof. Maelstrom. The extent of Shadowsan’s revelations was a big surprise to me. Kudos to the writers for pulling that off.

Conclusion:

It’s not the series I expected. It’s not the series I hoped for. But it is one that I enjoyed, both on its own merits and for revitalizing the franchise. As I said last night, it is a hell of a feeling to have new Carmen content in 2019 (that’s actually getting attention), and for it to be really good content is a relief.

If anyone else wants to share their thoughts, either one-on-one or with the rest of the community (as it were), please do! I’d love to talk more about this series and this franchise and the thieving queen of my heart, Ms. Carmen Sandiego.

#cs2019 #carmen sandiego spoilers #reviews

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dexi-green · 6 years ago

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Avengers:Endgame Thoughts !!SPOILERS!!

Just some random thoughts and questions and such about the movie. There are spoilers so…don’t read if you haven’t seen it and care about spoilers. I tried to organize it a bit but we all know that’s impossible.

Okay so..I’m not the biggest fan of the Russo Brothers and what they have done with their Marvel films. There have been some improvements, and some things that just can’t be helped and I just want to make that known first. I don’t really hate any of the films they made, they are definitely enjoyable, and fun, have great moments.

I’ve been a bit critical about how they used some of the big storylines from the comics in the films, because they never felt the same (they never can honestly, comic books and films are different formats, different ways of storytelling) but this honestly is the closest to the annuals. This is the closest to waiting an entire year after reading comics each month, to the big huge event. It feels as big as those. Civil War didn’t to me, Age of Ultron didn’t, Infinity War kinda, but this. This felt huge. Especially when actually watching it.

This is a huge fanservice film. You could probably enjoy it without any prior knowledge, or without seeing all the other films, but god, it’s better if you do. Soooo many little throwbacks and easter eggs and payoffs from the earliest films and the comics. So I highly suggest the other films, I think every single one film has some sort of tribute in this one. (I’m making a list of references and such so I’ll see)

So one of my biggest gripes out of the way…the Joe Russo cameo. It completely pulled me out of the film. The scene itself could’ve been a nice little thing to see what Steve has been up to during those five years but…just watching and listening to what was mostly Joe Russo talking and inserting himself into the universe…eh :/ It’s not like a Stan Lee cameo, he didn’t have a hand in creating these characters and we don’t owe the Russo Brothers as much as we owe Lee and Kirby and Simon and Ditko and Bendis, etc. I think his cameo in Civil War and Winter Soldier was better, he barely talked in WS and not at all in CW, was barely on screen, it was fine. I just felt it was a little too much… His cameo was longer than Stan’s.

Also that was their way of making the “first openly gay character in a Marvel movie.” they even said that, “We felt it was important that one of us play him, to ensure the integrity and show it is so important to the filmmakers that one of us is representing that.” which...is really a cop out I feel. That LGBTQ representation, the smallest line of being on a date, could’ve easily gone to Valkyrie/Brunnhilde’s character, seeing as Tessa Thompson says her character is queer and played her that way (take one look at Tessa’s or Brie Larson’s twitter or some interviews, it isn’t hard to see they support it), and Tessa is actually Bisexual in real life. But whatever I guess...

Though it was definitely funnier than the other movies the Russo’s have done, and DEFINITELY prettier. I’ve had a big issue with the color grading and scene composition in the Russo’s movies. Say what you will, Joss Whedon knew how to make a comic splash page translate to screen, but the Russo’s did...the airport fight scene. The scene’s in their films that did have great composition were pulled straight from the comics (like Steve Vs. Tony, Shield vs. Repulsors) Okay. But, in Endgame it definitely looks better. There are memorable scenes. There are shots that I thought...okay thats art. The end battle had some shots, like Thanos in the foreground pointing his sword, and his army behind him. When Tony was looking out of the Benatar and saw the glowing light that is Captain Marvel. When Okoye, T’Challa, and Shuri walk out of the portal to the final battle, it’s a bit hazy, almost dream like, gives the feeling of Steve seeing them and not knowing whether this was real or not. The colors still look a bit dull in some scenes, but at this point it seems like the Russo’s are resigned to gray and mud and mess to get that gritty “realistic” vibe that for some reason is what people want and not the escapism, fantasy, cosmic stories that comics can be.

I did really like the small nods towards how relationships formed or degraded throughout time, or how people changed, especially during the five years we didn’t see. We got a little nod towards Carol and Rhodey’s relationship from the comics with…a nod and a good luck and a lingering look. Natasha calls Rocket fluffball, I think it was, and says she gets e-mails from him. Bruce and Natasha are on some sort of not dating but close friends terms after hardly interacting in Infinity War. Definitely acknowledging Age of Ultron and not just making it a joke and trying to push it aside. Nebula and Rocket seem to have gotten closer, probably due to all of their friends dusting. Rocket and Bruce seem to be on some level of friendship, or at least acknowledge each others connection to Thor. Okoye calling Natasha, Nat. Carol has been coming to earth somewhat regularly. Tony and Nebula playing the paper football game, her giving him the food even when he offered it to her, (It reminded me of the blueberry bit in the first Avengers) working together to try and get somewhere. TONY AND MORGAN!! He raised a whole five year old kid. He definitely seems like a stay at home dad, especially since Pep is the CEO of Stark Industries.

It’s really nice (and sad) to see how some people’s lives moved forward. How people tried to move on, how all these different personalities coped with the loss. Seeing Cassie has aged was definitely a favorite. Cassie has thought her dad was dead for five years, and for Scott he was only gone for five hours, but he comes back to his little girl as a teenager. At the end, when we see them together with Hope, we know that Scott now has to go forward knowing he missed five years of his daughter’s life, and is probably going to try and make the most of it. Maybe that means giving up Ant-Man, or having her join in (we need Stature, I mean come on, we need another young avenger). But it was nice to see that time didn’t just stand still until the Avengers found a fix. It kept moving forward.

I wish we would’ve gotten a bit more of Wakanda/Wakandans. Okoye was still alive, and I think M’Baku survived the Snap as well, but I don’t think we saw him until the final battle. We only got a couple glimpses of Wakanda. Which I guess makes sense because with both T’Challa and Shuri gone, Wakanda needed leadership (though I’m unsure as to whether Ramonda dusted as well), but it would’ve been nice for Okoye to maybe be a little involved in the efforts to get the stone, especially considering Wakanda is so advanced. Even without Shuri there could’ve been something they could contribute. T’Challa really had like one or two lines basically but okay.

I sorta didn’t like Thanos dusting away. I was a bit off put at the beginning when Thor cut of his head because to me, that was Nebula or Gamora’s kill (though seeing as both Gamora and Nebula seemed somewhat sad after seeing him die (Gamora after she seemed to kill him in IW and Nebula after Thor went for the head) MCU Gamora and Nebula might not want to do that). I understand it though, Thor was angry. At the end I was hoping that Thanos wouldn’t dust so we could get that kill, and sort of mirror Tony’s fear of being the only survivor, but… I guess it’s the writer’s poetic justice. It’s not bad, but I just kinda hoped they would go a different way with it.

I love when the music cuts out and Quill is just dancing and singing to himself. “So he’s an idiot”.

“I bet the raccoon didn’t have to climb a mountain.” “Technically he’s not a raccoon you know?” “oh whatever he eats garbage.” Are they talking about Rocket...or...Thor?

That girl power scene? We love it. “Don’t worry” “She’s got help.”

I love how they pass around Tony’s Gauntlet like a football, trying to get it to the van. But when Peter had it and was thrown to the ground and was curled up clutching it, I was so prepared to cry.

Same with Rocket trying to protect Groot.

No vision. I didn’t really find myself even thinking of him all that much during the film. We got a line or two but that’s about it. It makes me wonder about the ‘WandaVision’ show and whether that title was just to throw people off, or if he is going to be in it.

I’d be really interested in seeing more of what happened during those 5 years. Maybe I just want to see more of Tony as a dad? Maybe… But to see how everyone tries to move forward. Like what does Cassie do? Did her mom and step-dad dust to? Was she alone? Did the Avengers check on her? I think Bruce mentions he spent 18 months in a Gamma Lab. I would love to see how he came to terms with Hulk. I would love to see how the Asgardian’s settled. Etc. I think there are some interesting stories there, maybe for future shows or comics or stories.

CAROL DANVERS / CAPTAIN MARVEL

I love that Carol Danvers had a small moment/lingering shot when they were looking at everyone who dusted and she saw Nick Fury. Another little nod towards a relationship without being overt and having her mention to characters how Nick Fury was a close friend. I mean that was the reason why they came out with the Captain Marvel movie before this. So the audience members who saw both would understand Carol’s role, powers, motives, and relationships before so they wouldn’t have to squeeze it all into this movie.

I also forgot that Captain Marvel was even in this movie after the last time they showed her in the beginning because I was so wrapped up in everything else, so when she showed up at the end I was genuinely surprised and excited! They really hyped her up to be the most powerful hero, but didn’t overuse her or make her OP at all. They gave everyone else their time knowing that she has the future MCU ahead of her. I think they spent a good amount of time on the original avengers as this really was their send off, knowing the rest of the characters have future films/shows to shine in. (Which kind of makes me forgive the lack of Wakanda..but still…)

The look on Thanos’ face when Carol showed up, amazing. Her exchange with Peter? Pure and beautiful. And that little *dink* when he tries to headbutt her? Pure comedy.

Thanos pulling the power stone out of the gauntlet to use against Carol was...forgive me...a power move.

THOR ODINSON & LOKI LAUFEYSON

I know a lot of people think Thor’s mental health/PTSD was just played as a joke, but I don’t think it was. I mean there have been times they tried to sweep Tony’s mental health under the rug and times where (maybe just the fandom) treated Tony as a villain for how it showed itself.

Thor didn’t want to think about it. Thor was done. He wanted to drink and forget. He didn’t want people to talk about Thanos, or Loki, or anything that happened. He made a new home for all the Asgardians and then retreated into himself. When we first see him, Bruce stops and asks Thor if he’s okay and tells him that he was in a similar dark spot as well and that Thor was the one who helped him out. It’s a sweet moment, yeah it’s sandwiched by some jokes, but it's there. As is the moment when Thor talks to his mother for the last time. Frigga gives him piece of mind. Let’s him know that she knows what her fate is, that it isn’t his fault, which is one weight off his shoulder. She lets him know that he doesn’t need to be whatever he thinks he needs to be, just to be who he is. He doesn’t need to be an Asgardian King, or whatever else his father wanted, if that's not what Thor wants. Being himself is enough to be worthy. So he fights that final fight (completely okay in the fact that Steve is worthy as well, even saying he knew it! So he must’ve knew Steve was pretending not to be able to pick it up all the way in AOU), he makes Valkyrie/Brunnhilde King/Queen of Asgard, and he goes with the Guardians, because that's where he wants to be. He’s not being who he is supposed to be, but who he is. Which seems to be someone who wants to have fun and save people who need saving. Which I think is a nice mirror to Chris Hemsworth’s relationship to playing the character. He said that he prefers the fun, comedic Thor that Taika made with Ragnarok, and doesn’t as much like playing the uber serious Thor from previous films. He even said he’d be open to more Thor movies if Taika Waititi was directing.

While I hope we see Thor in Guardians Vol.3, and his story didn’t feel as final as Steve and Tony’s did, he did come full circle. From fighting tooth and nail to be a worthy king, to finally accepting who he truly is and being comfortable with accepting that. Sort of mirroring Loki.

Speaking of Loki...His scenes in this movie were definitely more humorous than anything. I know people wanted a better end for him. I’ll be honest, I liked his end in Infinity War (though I did believe he might still be alive because he didn’t revert back to his Jotun form when he died in IW). But for all the same reasons as Thor. He started feeling tremendous envy and hate for his brother and father, felt the need to prove himself, though he took a very different route than Thor, he got to a point where he accepted who he truly was. A Jotun, and an Odinson, Thor’s brother, Prince of Asgard. So to me, yeah it would be nice to see a different ending for Loki, (if they do bring him back I feel they either can’t kill him or have to kill him for real), I’m content with his entire arc.

BRUCE BANNER / HULK

Bruce has finally come full circle as well. He started off wanting to actually kill himself because of the Hulk, but now he has found the ‘Professor Hulk’ middle ground. He even says he sees it as an ‘evolution’ (X-Men reference/hint maybe??). After Ragnarok and Infinity War, something during those five years lead both Hulk and Bruce to accept each other. Just imagine how happy Hulk was when those kids came up asking for a photo. It’s no longer “Earth hates Hulk”. Hulk is a hero, he has fans! Young kids who aren’t scared. Bruce doesn’t have to be scared of running rampant and out of control and hurting innocent people. He doesn’t need to be locked in a cage. He can be completely who he is without holding back.

Bruce admitting that he tried to bring back Natasha with his Snap…oof.

NATASHA ROMANOFF / NATALIE RUSHMAN/ BLACK WIDOW & CLINT BARTON / HAWKEYE / RONIN

I actually really liked the beginning and how they handled Hawkeye’s story. Him helping Lila with her Archery and her walking out of frame, then when it cuts back to where she should’ve been only some dust particles in the air? Amazing, show not tell. We didn’t need to actively see Clint’s family dust away (honestly it makes it sadder that he didn’t see it either, didn’t know what happened, they were just gone). And we didn’t need a scene of him talking about it. We just got into it. The Ronin story isn’t my favorite but I’m glad too much time wasn’t spent on it and only the parts that mattered were addressed. That his family is gone and he’s angry. Natasha still cares about him deeply and has been looking for him.

Also..who puts mayo on a hot dog?

Natasha and Clint’s relationship is one that I really like. It’s this pure friendship and salvation from the beginning. Clint was the one who made the call to not kill her, but rather show her a different path. In Endgame, Natasha does the exact same for Clint. She takes him from being a ruthless assassin, angry at the world, to fighting for the good guys again. They are family. She is Aunt Nat to his kids, friends with his wife. She knows about his family and ‘secret’ life when no other Avengers did. It’s because of him (and Nick Fury) that she has a family not only in them, but the rest of the Avengers. But it just makes stories like Infinity War/Endgame and Civil War sadder for her because, almost all the other Avengers have a life outside of the team, and have families to go to, but not her. So when they break up, and aren’t talking, she is left alone. No wonder she stays at the compound. When Rhodey is telling her about Clint and she starts crying, it’s so sad, because he was her family and he just left.

Natasha and Clint literally fighting over who gets to sacrifice themself? Big oof. Natasha really makes me like Clint’s character in the films. And as much as I love the “refund theory” of Steve returning the soul stone to Vormir and getting Natasha back, and I would love a better send off (like with Thor) I think her story has really come full circle.

One of the biggest themes I noticed in her arc throughout the films is choice. When she was in the Red Room, she had no choice but to do what she was told, because of what happened there she doesn’t get the choice of having children or not. In Winter Soldier she felt like she felt like the choice of fighting for the ‘good’ guys was an illusion. Etc. But here is the biggest choice she can make, and she decided that she’d rather die so everyone else, everyone she cares about, can have a chance. She wasn’t going to let someone else make that choice for her. She did it despite Clint’s protest. She finally found something, someone she chose to die for. And the imagery of her on the ground not only mirrors her position in Tony’s vision from AOU, but the pool of blood draining from her is almost literally her getting the red out of her ledger like she mentions she wants to do in Avengers. “I’ve got red on my ledger. Now I need to wipe it out.” She has finally atoned for all the bad she has done.

I know she didn’t get a funeral scene or a big send off, but I think that was as to not overshadow or take away from Tony’s. Which is sad. Maybe we will get a better send off in a different film or show. We did get those lines from Clint and Wanda about hoping she knew that they did it, that her sacrifice wasn’t for nothing. Which is small, but it is the person who cared about her the most.

Also...did no one tell Clint and Natasha that they would need to sacrifice someone to get the stone? Surely Nebula knew...

STEVEN ROGERS / CAPTAIN AMERICA

“I can do this all day.” “Yeah, I know.” Even Steve is tired of himself.

Scott: “That’s America’s Ass.”

Steve, later, looking at his own ass on a past version of himself: “That is America’s Ass.”

My mind immediately when we heard Sam’s voice over Steve’s comm: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uB1D9wWxd2w

Also on that note... I absolutely love that Sam was the one that Steve choose to carry on Captain America’s legacy. In the comics both Sam and Bucky take up the mantle and I was sincerely hoping Bucky wouldn’t in the films. At least not at first. Bucky has so much interesting story to explore from when he was the Winter Soldier and still has so much healing to do from not only that time, but everything he was thrust back into when he was still settling in Wakanda..and being dusted. In the films, Sam is perfect to be the Captain America of modern times. He knows how the modern world works, he’s been in the military, dealt with war (both earthly threats and extra terrestrial), and I feel he’s emotionally/mentally stable enough for it. Hell he ran a veteran support group which inspired Steve to run a support group for survivors during the five years after the snap. Also, I don’t think I need to get into why having a Black/African-American Captain America in these times is amazing. I would love to see him in a movie, but if we get a live action show on the Disney+ streaming service, I think that would be great.

When they showed someone sitting on the bench, I was like okay that’s Steve. But how skinny and small he looked I thought it was going to be Pre-Serum Steve...but no, we got old man Steve. Which surprised me, it shouldn’t have but it did, because when he left and they couldn’t bring him back I leaned over to my sister and said “he stayed in the ‘40s”. But I had like 1000 thoughts running through my head every second of this movie. (except when the theater fell silent when Tony...ya know) It sorta reminded me of Logan for a hot second...

I’ve seen some people say, "It's not in character for Steve to live a life and not fight".

Every single movie has been building to Steve getting more and more tired of fighting. First he sacrifices himself for everyone else. Then he is woken up to fight in a war, and a world, he barely knows anything about, and starts seeing that privacy and freedom might not mean the same things they use to. That the governments meant to protect the people have even more secrets and lies, and are becoming more violent and ruthless. His whole vision sequence (and basically entire arc) in AOU was about how he needs war and to fight but how he doesn’t want that to be the case. He wants to go home. He wants the 40s. He wants Peggy. He wanted Bucky. He wants a family and a life. It hints that sometimes he may feel he doesn’t deserve it, or that the time for that has passed.

He didn't leave Bucky behind, Bucky knew full well what was happening and didn't seem too bothered. He knew and was happy that Steve had this chance. He loves him and wouldn't keep him from that. More than likely Bucky sees a future for himself as well, just not in the 40s. Bucky could have went back with him if he wanted to. But he didn't. Sam even offers to go back with Steve, Bucky standing right there and Steve says it's okay. Bucky doesn't protest. Bucky is smiling. Plus we don't know exactly what happened. Maybe Steve would have still fought here and there, maybe he did help that timeline/universe Bucky. He did still have the shield with him. Or maybe he was a house husband/dad while Peggy worked. Whatever he did he was clearly happy and content with all his choices and no one protested.

I actually really love this ending for Steve. He finally gets to rest. He finally gets the woman he loves. He can be content knowing the world is safe and that there are others willing to protect it. From the skinny, sick, kid who was always searching for a fight and felt he was (or had to be) alone in the world. He found a family, his love, a life.

TONY STARK / IRON MAN

I really love that for the scene in the 70s they used James D’Arcy to play Edwin Jarvis. He played Jarvis in the Agent Carter show, and I think most people who watch any of the shows know that the shows are payed dirt in the MCU movies. So as someone who loved that show, loved the characters and actors, seeing that was great! It intertwines the show more closely to the films, and it was nice for Tony to see the other man who raised him even for a second. Yeah it would’ve been nice to see Paul Bettany, but I feel he is more connected to J.A.R.V.I.S Tony’s A.I rather than the actual person of Jarvis.

I love that Tony gets a reunion/closure with his father (similar to Thor’s with his mother). Before his own untimely death, he gets to talk with his father and really see things through his eyes and learn what his mind set truly was. Now that he’s a father himself he understands a bit more the struggles Howard had, he knows Howards own self doubts. That despite everything Howard cared, and that Howard’s own father was cruel to him. And they get to share that last hug and is able to thank him! Just like he wanted to in Civil War. He gets to say I love you, and thank you for everything.

Peter says he “got all dusty. Then [he] must’ve passed out”. So like...no time passed for those who got dusted in the snap...

I was sorta hoping Tony would wield Mjolnir as well, but he didn’t :/ but it’s fine. He doesn’t need it. He wields the Gauntlet/Infinity Stones.

Something Kevin Smith brought up that I hadn’t really thought of was that Tony was completely set. While he definitely had regrets and felt guilty, he had a good life in front of him. He 100% could have just lived the rest of his natural born days out with his family and been as happy as he could have been. But seeing that picture of Peter, and knowing all that was lost, feeling guilty, and just being the self-sacrificial man he is, risked it all for everyone else. Knowing it could go wrong, he still did it.

Tony’s scene towards the beginning was the first time I almost cried. After he gets rescued, and they are talking in the compound. He is so skinny and in a wheelchair and hooked up to the IV. Cap starts talking, like he always does, and Tony just is not here for it. This is exactly what he said was going to happen, this was the culmination of all the PTSD and anxiety he has had for 8 years. It happened, he was right. No one wanted to listen to him. People gave him so much shit for Ultron and the Accords and literally everything that he has ever done, and this happens and he (pardon my language) snapped on Steve. It was heartbreaking. Because he tried so hard to prevent it. Steve told him they would lose together but he was alone. He watched the kid he cared about disappear in his arms, had no idea who else he cared about who could’ve done the same, and he was alone in space (well Nebula was there, but..he didn’t know her really, they were forced to get to know each other. Remember she showed up when they were already battling Thanos). He was suffering, believing he was going to die. No oxygen, no food, no water…and when he gets back Steve just wants to jump back in, and get information out of him? No. He has had enough. Steve lied. Sure maybe he didn’t mean to, but he said they would work together and then Civil War happened. He made a decision in that movie to be on the opposite side of Tony. I’m not saying that Steve wasn’t justified in his actions in Age of Ultron, or Civil War or anything after, but just that from Tony’s perspective, Steve was continuously putting other people and things in front of him. He probably thought that Steve would make an effort if they were truly friends, and if he truly cared Steve would’ve done more to salvage their friendship but didn’t. I have a whole thing with Steve and how he acted but I just know Tony was hurt, and one person he thought he could turn to, wasn’t there. And the line he closes out his rant with? “No trust, liar.” That hit like a ton of bricks.

When Tony asks Dr.Strange if this was the one they won, Strange says he can’t tell him or it won’t happen. But later Tony looks at him and holds up one finger, telling him this is the one. He told him because he knows that Tony already knows and has come to terms with what has to happen. Tony knows he has to get the stones and Snap Thanos away, knowing that it could kill him. So Dr.Strange just affirmed it for him. If he would’ve told him earlier, than Tony might’ve thought of a different plan, or thought he could make it out, maybe he would’ve gotten excited and cocky. That also means that from the moment Strange looked into the future in IW he knew Tony was going to die. Yeah he knew Thanos needed the time stone because the Snap needed to happen in the first place for them to reverse it, but he also knew Tony was going to make this sacrifice, and couldn’t die just yet. I always thought that Tony was the key after Infinity War, but now it explains why Dr. Strange’s demeanor changes after that.

I almost cried a lot during this film but I actually cried during Tony’s death and funeral scene. Bookending the entire saga with “I am Iron Man”. How Rhodey goes up to him, then Peter (Tom Holland never fails to make me cry when he’s playing Peter), mirroring the last moments in Infinity War, “We won. We did it Mr.Stark”. Then Pepper goes up to him, and has to look at him and he seems almost...catatonic. He isn’t responding, just staring at each of them. Pepper has to watch her love, her husband, the father of her child, die. But she still reassures and comforts him, telling him he can rest now… and i’m about to cry just writing this omg… Then the light of the arc reactor blinks out and you know for real that he’s gone. Tony leaves a message for them knowing his fate, book ending the film from the message he was leaving at the beginning of the movie, to the message he’s leaving for them now. He loves Morgan 3000. Just knowing over the years, Morgan and Pepper will go back and watch this message. Morgan will grow up knowing her father saved the universe with his own hands. They will probably have suits and old tech around that she will be able to look at and play with and tinker with (because you cannot convince me Tony Stark’s daughter won’t be as much of a tinkerer as him). The “Proof Tony Stark Has A Heart” display is sent adrift in the lake outside their home, Little Morgan sitting with her mom. And every person who Tony has come to know and love is watching. Millions more probably mourning all over the world (and in our universe as well). Tony started as an arrogant, genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, rich kid with more brains then he could handle, and become the self sacrificial saviour of the universe. He’s been through the worst things, kidnapped, tortured, betrayed, watched people die in front of his eyes, get hurt because of him, etc. But always was looking for a way to make things better for everyone else. He is 100% the heart of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Robert Downey Jr. is the heart of the MCU. Him and Jon Favreau and Kevin Feige took a chance on a movie that was guaranteed to do the best in 2008, improvised through a film with little to no script and built an empire. Robert is Tony Stark in sooo many ways other than both having rich and famous dads. Tortured, and regretful pasts that they rose above. I cannot sing the praises of this character or this man more. So I will end it here. It will sad to go forward without the character, but we really won’t be. Tony and Robert are cemented in every Marvel film and every film to come.

Thank you to all the creators, crew, directors, writers and actors. Robert Downey Jr., Kevin Feige, Jon Favreau, Stan Lee, Joe Simon, Jack Kirby, Steve Ditko, etc. <3 Thank you!

#avengers #avengers endgame #spoilers #endgame spoilers #marvel #tony stark #iron man #captain america #steve rogers #natasha romanoff #thoughts #personal #opinion #avengers spoilers

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thestoryofme13 · 7 years ago

Text

You’re Not Broken

A/N: So in this fandom we often focus on the pairings and LAMP, which is great and I love it so much...but as someone who is in a monogamous/polyamorous relationship, I wanted a bit more representation so with some help, I created this. There are many different versions of polyam and one is not more right than another. I just thought I’d offer this. Big thank you to @eequalsmcscared and @nyxwordsmith for helping me create this.

Warnings: Crying, Panic Attack, Cursing

Summary: Virgil thinks he is broken for loving someone while dating another person.

Edit: This was going to be canon verse but I wanted to add so much more so now I switched it to human AU hoping it flows okay.

Pairings: Analogical and Prinxiety

Virgil and Logan had been dating for a couple of months, it had all come so effortlessly. That is until it didn’t. Until Virgil realized that he was going to ruin the best damn thing that had ever happened to him.

Why did he have to be such a fuck up? He had to agree with Logan, that feelings were complicated and that he’d be better off without them.

These feelings that he had for him were so close to what he felt for Logan. How could he even have those feelings for another person? Did he even love Logan? Had he ever truly loved him? If he was capable of having feelings for another person was he even supposed to be in a relationship? Virgil was happy. Logan made him happy but this person also made him happy.

Virgil couldn’t have both of them. That wasn’t a thing. If he were to have both of them he would be weird and greedy. He could just push down these feelings, they would subside so long as he didn’t think about it, right?

A few weeks had passed since Virgil had recognized these feelings and tried to push them away. He tried the only way he knew how he put up walls. These were walls that even Logan couldn’t break down, no matter how hard he tried. Virgil wanted to be honest with Logan, hiding his feelings felt like lying and he didn’t want to lie. It was figuratively killing him. He had never shut Logan out, at least not since they were dating. Keeping his distance from Roman was uncommon especially since they had grown so close.

Ever since Patton had suggested forced Roman and Virgil to work out their differences their friendship had been very different. Where it used to just be bantering and nicknames that could come across as cruel the pair soon discovered they had much more in common than previously thought. They both appreciated Disney movies even and on most days they could hold an intelligent conversation on particular plot lines or cliches that are overused. Other days they would hang out in the commons with Roman verbalizing his ideas while Virgil would practice giving constructive criticism.

Logan had noticed Virgil pulling away, he wasn’t dumb. He had considered a few possibilities, most of them ending in the fact that he had messed up. Logan couldn’t figure out what he had done wrong but if he could correct said mistake, then he would try.

He finally found the courage he needed to confront Virgil and ask him what he could do to try to fix what happened or even to receive some clarity about what he did to make his boyfriend so angry. He approached the door hesitantly, almost as if the door could open any moment and his world would come crashing down. Logically, he knew that the statistical probability of that happening was minuscule. That Virgil breaking up with him would not be the end of the world. But the thing about love was that it often wasn’t logical. He often couldn’t fit everything he felt into neat little boxes and label them accordingly.

After letting go of a breath he was unaware he was holding he knocked. Although this was not his usual confident knock. This knock was short and hesitant as if he wanted Virgil to ignore it.

A few moments later the door opened and Virgil looked at the person in front of him, “Lo?” He asked unsure of why the nerd was at his door looking about as nervous as Virgil felt constantly.

Logan pushed past him walking into the room and turning to face his boyfriend, “Virgil I get that I may have done something that has upset you, for which I am truly sorry. I have gone through every conversation and I cannot figure out what I did wrong.”

Virgil sighed and slumped against the door. “I–you didn’t do anything…It’s me,” he whispered barely loud enough for Logan to hear.

Logan stared at him, “What do you mean it’s you? You haven’t done anything wrong….”

Virgil looked down at the floor, avoiding his boyfriend’s gaze, “But I have. Logan, I’m broken. Something is wrong with me.” His nervous habit of chewing on the sleeves of his clothing muffling his words to a whisper.

Logan walked toward Virgil, gently taking his hand, “You are not broken. Please talk to me. Let me prove those voices in your head wrong.”

Virgil shook his head the tears falling freely, “You should just break up with me. You don’t want me.”

Logan’s hand moved up Virgil’s arm and lifted the shorter man's chin. Now looking in his boyfriend’s eyes, his heart hurt at the pain and fear he saw, “Please, V. I can’t read your mind. I assure you I will listen. I promise.” His voice cracking ever so slightly, at a loss for words on how to help his boyfriend.

Virgil let out the breath he had been holding, trying to shift his eye contact anywhere but Logan’s face, “I–I have feelings for Roman… I get it. I am broken. I’m wrong.” He wrapped his arms around himself trying to ground himself, “If you wanna break up with me then please be quick and don’t give me any cliche lines about how we can still be friends. Just rip the band-aid off.”

Logan wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and pulled him close, “Virgil you are not broken. You are not wrong. It is possible to love more than one person.” He chuckled a little, “In fact. there is a word for it. People who are capable of loving more than one person at once often refer to themselves as polyamorous.”

“Lo–can’t breathe.”Virgil’s breath hitched as the tears flowed faster,

Logan moved them to Virgil’s bed as he knelt in front of his boyfriend. He put Virgil’s hand over his heart as they had talked about this being a good grounding technique, “Alright Virgil I’m going to walk you through a breathing exercise like we’ve done before, in for four, hold for seven, out for eight. Try to match each breath with my heartbeat, V.”

Virgil closed his eyes feeling the other's heartbeat beneath his hand, trying to focus on his breathing and matching it with the steady rhythm of Logan’s hear. A few minutes later, after focusing on nothing but his breathing and Logan’s heartbeat; his uneven and shallow breathing had become more under control, or as much as it would be. He opened his eyes and was met with Logan’s reassuring smile.

Logan smiled and placed his hand over Virgil’s, “Virgil I think you might be polyamorous. I know it sounds scary but I promise it isn’t. All it means is that you have so much love to give that sometimes another person is also deserving. And you know what?”

Virgil shook his head, prompting Logan to continue, “I don’t care that you are polyamorous. I love you all the same. If you wanted to pursue something with Roman while still dating me, that is okay. Obviously Roman would need to consent but given the way he has been acting, I don’t see that as an issue.”

Virgil smiled softly at Logan, “You’d really be okay with me dating both of you?”

Logan kissed Virgil’s cheek, “It would take some getting used to, but it is not fair of me to tell you to try and push these feelings aside. I have seen the toll it is taking on you. You love him…and you love me. As long as you don’t also expect me to date Roman then it will all work out. Would you like me to go talk to him with you?”

Virgil lept into Logan’s arms so thankful that his boyfriend was understanding and willing to ease his fears, “Please come with me?”

Logan nodded as he moved them both to a standing position, interlacing his fingers with Virgil’s as they headed out of the room to find Roman.

They found Roman watching Disney movies in the commons by himself. The pair stood in front of the TV knowing that was the only way to get Roman’s attention.

Roman whined, “You two make a better door than a window. Kindly step aside, lovebirds.”

Logan shook his head, “Roman we need to talk to you.”

Roman’s eyes widened with intrigue, “About?”

Logan and Virgil moved to the sofa facing Roman. Logan was the first one to speak, “I know you have feelings for Virgil.” His voice not threatening or angry but gentle and reassuring.

Roman blushed deeply, opening his mouth to speak but Logan motioning him to be quiet. Then Virgil spoke up, looking at the ground like it was the most fascinating thing, “and–I” Virgil paused taking a deep breath, “-have feelings for you Roman.” In an effort to hide his blush from Roman Virgil hid his face in the crook of Logan’s neck, worried about Roman’s reaction.

Roman looked between the two, “Is this some kind of joke? Are you two breaking up?”

Logan laughed a little, “Quite the opposite actually. I believe that it is entirely possible that Virgil is polyamorous, meaning that he can love more than one person at a time. While I myself am monogamous, I do understand that it is a natural thing, for some people love is capable of being given to multiple people at one time. It does not mean he loves me any less.”

Roman furrowed his brows, “What do you mean?”

Logan rolled his eyes, “Well considering that your feelings are mutual.” He looked between the two, “I was merely suggesting that maybe you two could also start a relationship.”

Virgil looked at Roman, “I do really like you Roman and I love Logan. This will take some getting used to and I know that it isn’t exactly ‘normal’ but would you be willing to give it a try?”

Roman smiled, “While I have never heard of someone dating more than one person, I would love the chance to make you happy and woo you, Virge. Especially considering that Logan is okay with it.” He looked at Logan, “And you are completely okay with this, right teach?”

Logan nodded, “Although it is a little scary I am certain Virgil would be at his happiest if he were to have both you and I as his partners.” He looked at Virgil, “While I can’t say that this will be easy, it is possible that I might get jealous, but I will try my best to remember that you can love both of us.”

“Of course I can love you both equally. I know this will be an adjustment and you are allowed to feel jealous. Just remember that this is a relationship, I know you are focused on my happiness, but I’m concerned with yours as well and Roman’s now,” Virgil smiled looking between the two.

Logan blushed but continued, “I just want Virgil to be happy and for him to stop pushing us both away. We can both make him happy.” He leaned over and kissed Virgil’s cheek.

“You have a point, specs.” Roman raised an eyebrow, “I have one more question. Are you and I dating then?”

Logan shook his head and laughed, “No Princey. There are many forms of polyamoroury, just because we have a mutual partner doesn’t mean we are dating.” He looked lovingly at Virgil, “I don’t think I am capable of loving more than one person.” He paused, cupping Virgil’s cheek, “Virgil has metaphorically stolen my heart. Some of us are blessed with more love to give than others and it so happens that I have fallen in love with one of those people.”

Virgil blushed, playfully batting Logan’s arm. Then he grabbed Roman’s hand and pulled him closer, kissing his cheek, “Cuddle pile. Even though, you two aren’t dating, I’m dating both of you now so, therefore, you will be seeing a lot of each other.”

Roman and Logan groaned in unison, gaining them glares from Virgil, “You two love me and want me to be happy, right? This, right here is what I want.”

The other two men shared a mischievous look, then kissing Virgil’s cheek. Virgil shrieked, not expecting both of his boyfriend’s to gang up on him, turning to bury his face in the back of the couch.

Roman rolled his eyes and pulled Virgil into his lap leaning against the back of the couch. Virgil pulled Logan against his chest, creating something akin to a human train. Once all three of them had gotten comfortable with Virgil squished between Logan and Roman, they started the movie back up. After weeks of feeling lost and afraid, Virgil finally felt whole. There was a word for who he was and how he felt. He didn’t have to pick between the two people he loved, he was capable of loving them both equally.

General tag: @fandomsandanythingelse @sugarblob0 @theonlyjelly-iwillput-inmybelly @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms @ilovemygaydad @justanotherpurplebutterfly @water13girl @sanderssidesshitpost @panic-at-theeverywhere

Fanders taglist Analogical: @sanders-sides-thuri @logically-asexual @trivia-goddess @vivimarius @storytellerofuntoldlegends @strangerthings-and-phan @watch-me-introvert @tree4life25 @sarcastic-anxious @emokittenlikesgore @paxtonlovestea @neko-ereri @happypappypatton @confinesofpersonalknowledge @urtrashhq @fandergecko @too-random-for-me @hissesssss @deathbyvenusftw @ill-interested @johnnyboylaurens @the-prince-and-the-emo @inkyroo @theanxietyofbeinganxious @allthemetalsoftherainbow @depressed-alone @icbatocomeupwithausername @walking-encyclopedia @magicmapleleaf @pieces-of-annedrew @saphirestrike @asalwayss @anxiousoddish @romanssippycup @virgils-anxiety @redundant-statements-for-400 @skylagamingfea @clueingforblogs @rainbow-beaniegirl @vampyrsarah @all-these-trees-stealing-mah-o2 @hghrules @prplzorua @migraine-marathon @alextheodd @sandersfanders @pansexual-cat @hanramz-the-fander @darude-sanderstorm @kurna-kovite @royallyanxious @silentwhistlingwind @madelynna @a-blog-just-for-sanders @galacticallynonbinary @trashfireiplier @the-optimism-of-the-ostriches @sanderssides-deathangel @lacandra @starry-eyed-haiku-dreamer @digitally-analog @shygirl4991 @musicphanpie-b @silversunshine2012 @makemeaplant @out-of-existence @koalaaquabear @deep-ocean-blues @rose-gold-roman @aliferous-ly @musicsavedmefromdeath @devastate-my-space @heythereprincey @dudlebuggs @sanders-trash-4ever @on-lock-like-attica @siriuswhiskers @thenerdycube @pinkeasteregg @kirsten-the-freak @thepusheenqueen @artistictaurean @logan-exe @thecrimsoncodex @unknownsandersfan @dementeddracon @ive-given-up-on-it @blazeimagines101 @sanders-fam-ily @trashypansexual @toujours-fidele @grey-lysander @sehtah @do-rey-me @septifanderplier @hottopicvirge @rptheturk @candiukas @ffsas-side-account @milomeepit @fricksonsticks @baileystarsketches @voices-and-stardust @deadinsidebutliving @acechirou @ocotopushugs @lynisnotamused @datonerougecookeh @lana--22 @kentato-kenart @robanilla @anxie-teaa @logically-sided @areyousirius-noheisdead @ruuworld @aikogumi @kickthenavi @purplesatankittycat @mercythemermaid @etherealweekes @pearls-of-patton @ahoardofsides @memesanddreamsinc @jade-dragon226-fan @mollycassmith @nightmarejasmine @ace-v-p-d @pandagirl0730 @acrobaticcatfeline @thomas-must-get-to-sleep @nuttytheorizer @roman-is-a-gay @reba-andthesides @thesilentbluesparrow @angered-turtle @fanatic564 @emovirgil @captain-loki-xavier @countessmissyshort @save-dirk @evilmuffin @k9cat @louisthewarlock @asterias-confused-writings @bekkyboo2003 @allierox15 @aph-roma @logically-alone @theworldismysupernova @thats-so-crash @space-d0ubt @sanders-sides-things @cinderlunarcyborg @savingshae @minamishipsit @nymphaedoratonks @pansexual-cat @bluebellie01 @the-feels-are-coming @karmicmayhem @faacethefacts

Fanders Taglist Prinxiety:@completelyclevername @lacrimosathedark @watch-me-introvert @emphoenixcat @sarcastic-anxious @emokittenlikesgore@kickassking14 @fangirlsanonymous @inkyoo @theanxietyofbeinganxious@clueingforblogs @thatonenerdtm @rainbow-beaniegirl @vampyrsarah@makemeaplant @samidaboss3 @proudhufflepuff @alextheodd @kurna-kovite @sanderssides-deathangel @ray-rambles @lacandra @221biotchplease @starry-eyed-haiku-dreamer @prinxietypreoccupied @pattykrabbies @shygirl4991 @musicphanpie-b @silversunshine2012 @lockolocka @virgils-hoodie @makemeaplant @gayrobotalien @phanic-at-the-malfoys @koalaaquabear @deep-ocean-blues @catsandrandomness @musicsavedmefromdeath @inkyroo @devastate-my-space @heythereprincey @dudlebuggs @sanders-trash-4ever@on-lock-like-attica @spoonfullofcrofters @siriuswhiskers @thenerdycube @pinkeasteregg @notallpotatoesarefrenchfries @virgilisaneternalmood @kirsten-the-freak @thepusheenqueen @funsizedgremlin @poundland-twoface @logan-exe @thecrimsoncodex @unknownsandersfan @yourmomsafalsehood @dementeddracon @ive-given-up-on-it @v-blue-writer @blazeimagines101 @sanders-fam-ily @trashypansexual @toujours-fidele @jaybingu @sugarblob0 @do-rey-me @hottopicvirge @rptheturk @candiukas @nottodaylogic @shadow-walker-1201 @milomeepit @grey-lysander @fricksonsticks @baileystarsketches @ace-of-hufflepuffs @voices-and-stardust @deadinsidebutliving @ocotopushugs @moonlightinwater @datonerougecookeh @lana--22 @kentato-kenart @robanilla @logically-sided @osnapitzbc @areyousirius-noheisdead @ruuworld @microsoft-nerd @theworldismysupernova @jughead-is-canonically-aroace @purplesatankittycat @mercythemermaid @pearls-of-patton @fabulousfanaticfander @jade-dragon226-fan @jesusonafrickinboat @anthoscopus @mollycassmith @hi-disappointed-im-daughter @nightmarejasmine @juvenile-changeling @ace-v-p-d @pandagirl0730 @acrobaticcatfeline @thomas-must-get-to-sleep @sesame-icecream @fireflightyt @stars-in-mine-eyes @roman-is-a-gay @reba-andthesides @thesilentbluesparrow @angered-turtle @fanatic564@didsomeonesayyoutube122 @emovirgil @mydogsaresofuckingstupid @captain-loki-xavier @save-dirk @evilmuffin@k9cat @louisthewarlock @asterias-confused-writings @bekkyboo2003 @too-precious-to-process @hissesssss @aph-roma @theworldismysupernova @imaflashcard @notveryglittery @thats-so-crash @space-d0ubt @cinderlunarcyborg @anony-phangirl @minamishipsit @wowimanerdblr@superfandertrashbros @nuttytheorizer @nymphaedoratonks @bluebellie01 @the-feels-are-coming @s0ftdoddleoddle

I’d like to tag @tinysidestrashcaptain @randomslasher I know these aren’t your main ships but I think it is pretty neat to have something a little different @princelogical @virgilsjourney @thelogicalloganipus

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ahopefuldoubt · 6 years ago

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Matters of Representation: The “Chosen One” Archetype, Adoptees, and The Prince of Egypt

originally posted in 2016 [x]. time references are relative to 2016.

This is a post I started drafting in the middle of April (2016), so coming back to it three months later has been like trying to meld together two fairly different frames of mind. For anyone who reads it, I hope you’ll bear with me as I (continue to) work through things here. It’s part personal, part purposeful, and probably does not flow well. My original plan was to write only about the overused “Chosen One” trope and how unsettling it is when that character is an adoptee or foster child. But it grew a bit beyond that.

Moses gives me pause. He’s a puzzle I am always trying to reconfigure. Oftentimes he seems to me like a generic protagonist: another man who receives a call to arms and embarks on a hero’s quest to fulfill his destiny. Another adoptee who gets saddled with the “Chosen One” label and responsibilities, one who must save the world despite having already lost his original family and history. A convenient blank slate with no past.

As much as Moses frustrates me as a character, and as little as I identify with him, he’s important to me. Our relationship is complicated. :) (Can you imagine the Facebook status?)

Like a lot of transracial and/or international adoptees, I grew up in a predominantly white community. My older sister was adopted too, but without her there, I didn’t see myself reflected in my family or in my town. As a child, I watched animated movies like Anastasia and Dumbo. Standard fare. Stories that featured orphans, separation, adoption, reunion. I was attracted to them. Anastasia was hugely influential for me. And I was troubled by them. Just thinking about the scene where they separate Dumbo from his mother sends me into a tailspin; it’s not a movie I’d voluntarily watch again. Back then, though, I didn’t have the language to really explain what I was feeling or why, or to even describe these movies as adoption-related. I did what I think a lot of adoptees do in this situation, and internalized it all: I felt embarrassed about how much I liked Anastasia, but I don’t think many people knew I felt any sort of way about it.

Maybe a contributing factor was that my adoptive parents were from a generation where people didn’t have many discussions about privilege (of all kinds) or about adopting children — especially as white people adopting children who weren’t white. My parents were not given the language, so they couldn’t approach the subject or teach me how to put a name to my emotions. There’s more awareness now: Adult adoptees are speaking out and helping to ensure that prospective adoptive parents have these conversations. Things have improved; however, on the whole, I still see a lot of the same issues. Whitewashing and colorblindness. And shoddy representations of adoptees in stories.

It’s been quite a trip to have seen The Prince of Egypt so recently, and to think, finally I can see myself. This is the representation that I didn’t realize I was missing. Nothing has been quite the same since I watched this movie. In many ways, but certainly in that I’m better able to notice and think about all of these adoptee/foster child “Chosen Ones” in stories past, present, and future.

I’m glad that The Prince of Egypt focuses so much on Moses’ relationships with both his adoptive and biological families (including a sense of his own “in-betweenness”). For one thing, the reunion naturally involves Aaron and Miriam, the character/s I identify with and emote over more. Furthermore, because it is such an intimate and complex story, there are many layers to the three siblings’ relationships, and their conflicts are allowed to unfold on-screen. I don’t think movies like Anastasia depict this struggle as well or as profoundly, or even at all.

Reunion has been at the front of my mind for at least six years. Time feels strange to me; fleeting. I’ve passed the age my birthmother had me, if the information in my record is real. My adoptive mother died earlier this year. Reunion is on my mind constantly. Is my birthmother still alive? Did I get my dimples from her? Does she share my serious outlook on life? Did she ever contact my birthfather again? Does my birthfather have the same thick hair? Was he good to her while they were together?

Am I running out of time to find the answers to any of these questions? Do I even want to know? I’ve already hit a couple of snags in my search for her. I’m afraid to go further.

Reunion is on my mind constantly. Do I have any younger biological siblings?

But I will never fully be a member of my biological family, should I reunite with them. It will feel so close, yet so far. There will be a linguistic divide, a cultural divide. I won’t quite mold to the shape of my birthmother’s arms. And this hurts. I often need to take a giant leap away from the movie and fandom because my emotions surrounding separation and reunion (the one in The Prince of Egypt and my own possible reunion) are so tangible. A lot of painful stuff has been thrown into light, yet for some, at-times unfathomable reason, I still want to connect to this story, ache for it, find joy in it. Because through it, I’ve also been able to process some of my own pain and grief.

There have definitely been times where I’ve wished I could identify more with Moses. Beyond our common adoptee-hood, though, I don’t relate to him on much of a deep or personal level. What I’ve learned — and accepted — over these past three months is that Moses doesn’t have to be “my adoptee protagonist.” I don’t even have to like him at times. Rather, as I wrote, he’s my puzzle. He raises questions for me. He makes me think more about how adoptees are represented in stories.

Too many stories use adoption as a convenient plot device. However, adoption is a lifelong process. More importantly, it is an identity. My adoptee identity is with me every time I say my name and people smirk or do a double-take because my name, particularly my full name*** does not match my Asian face. It is with me when I am asked if I speak Korean, and when I reply, “No,” I feel inadequate, estranged from my heritage and my people. A blank slate with no past.

Adoption is not a tragic backstory or an obstacle for characters — and people — to overcome. Yet it seems to be treated as such, or completely brushed aside. Many weeks ago, at this point, I was talking about this with my best friend and remarked how Disney’s version of Hercules literally has to go through Hell (the Underworld) in order to be considered worthy of reuniting with his birthparents. Narratively, it’s seen as an act of love and heroism, and I think this is part of the issue: The adoptee “Chosen Ones” in these stories are called on to be superheroes and saviors (and deliverers), to be strong and sound of heart and mind, to be more and more and more. “Forget and be content.” But, “don’t you abandon us.” What’s an adoptee supposed to do with these high and contradictory expectations?

I’m not a Hero(tm). I don’t want to be one. Maybe this is why I don’t connect with the “traditional heroes” in stories. I can’t live up to those kinds of expectations. Nevertheless, I was raised with them. I’d wager that many adoptees were, too. Be grateful. Be loyal. Be a part of your adoptive family, but not really. Be a part of your biological family. But not really. At what point does membership become conditional?

I understand that the search for self is universal, and as a result, many characters are made to go through journeys of self-discovery. The “adoption fantasy,” wherein children (adopted and non-adopted alike) imagine they were adopted, is also a natural developmental phase. When this “secret identity” trope is evoked in stories, it reads like a shocking plot twist. However, it’s different for those who have actually lived it. And there are of course many layers and levels to all of this, bigger pictures and so much to this specific circumstance. Moses is an adoptee and he is Hebrew: born a slave, then taken and raised by his oppressors, who keep his adoption, his identity and history, from him. I may consider Moses a puzzle in some ways, but the unethicalness of his relinquishment and adoption is something I will always be rather clear on (critical of).

In the sense that Moses will remain something of a puzzle to me, I’ll continue to find pieces of myself reflected in our “common adoptee-hood.” I’ll continue to rage at his behavior when he’s a teenager. I’ll continue to feel every jarring step and moment of happiness in how his siblings process the reunion. And I’ll always continue to think about stories feature adoption and adoptees.

*** I use my birth name here on Tumblr, but my full legal name is always coded as white.

Last edited: 6/4/17 for clarity

#ok to reblog #the prince of egypt #adoption #moses #my stuff #my writing #poe analysis #what i mean when i say that moses speaks to my head #:)#this is more or less the version before i made *that* edit #which i'll do in a few days #some posts feel weirder to repost than others

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thelonesomequeen · 7 years ago

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Hamm at the Movies: Black Panther

"Black Panther"- To say that the expectations of "Black Panther" are high, seems like an understatement. T'challa is one of Marvel's most enduring icons, appearing first in the 60's and has been going strong ever since. He's also the first African comic book superhero. When it comes to the MCU, he first appeared in "Captain America: Civil War," and was one of the major highlights of the flick, offering a new perspective and attitude to the proceedings. But, a solo movie is a whole new ball game as it brings with it expectations of how it will do when being played to a larger audience and more importantly, can it give its African heritage the respect it deserves while showing the importance of representation and different stories in films? Thankfully, for me, the answer is a resounding yes as the film deliver's what is easily one of marvel's most relevant and solid flicks.

The film opens following the events of CW, which find T'challa (Chadwick Boseman) reeling in the murder of his father and his arrival into his own in becoming the King of Wakanda, an incredibly advanced county in Africa that disguises itself with the use of a cloak so it looks like a run down, poor country to the rest of the world. The country is rich in resources, particularly vibranium, and the Wakandans feel they are far safer if the outside world remains unaware of their wealth. At his side are a group of loyal friends and family, which include his mother, Ramonda (Angela Bassett), his sister Shuri (Letitia Wright), his ex Nakia (Lupita Nyong'o), Okoye, (Danai Gurira), leader of T'challa's Dora Milaje, his special force bodyguards, and lastly, W'kabi (Daniel Kaluuya), a best friend to T'Challa. T'Challa is trying to find his place amongst his ancestors who came before him as he is worried he will not be a good king and to make matters worse, Ulysses Klaue (Andy Serkis), has aligned himself with Erik Killmonger (Michael B. Jordan), as the two are attempting to wage a fight against Wakanda and its people. Will T'Challa be able to fulfill his duties as King of Wakanda, protect the people, all while staying out of the public eye?

First and foremost, it's great to see Boseman expand on his work in CW as T'Challa. I liked his arc in CW as I think it provided the film with a nice introduction of somebody who wasn't one of the regular Avengers that we had seen up to that point. His character was relatable and now that T'Challa is out of the hustle and bustle of Europe and returned back to Africa, he's in his own element and doing his best at running the country. Boseman's performance is really strong here as he once again has a great character arc that is reminiscent of the better Marvel origin flicks. He's calm, a bit nuanaced, but realizes that he will have to change his approach if he is to succeed and that calmness will turn into action if necessary. I liked Jordan as Killmonger as his character also had an interesting backstory to him and I felt for his character and struggles. It was very reminiscent of Loki, before he began to show up everwhere in the MCU and became overused. Bassett does a great job as the strong willed widow of T'Chaka. Bassett always dominates the screen and watching her here just made me have a deep, sad sigh that she was never cast as Storm in the "X-Men" movies, but I digress. The movie is pretty much stolen by Wright and Gurira. Wright has this great, fiesty youthful energy and that leads to some hilarious interactions between her fellow Wakandans as well as Agent Everett K Ross (Martin Freeman), who shows up in the film to offer his help, if he can. Gurira plays it stoic, which means any quips she has are even better, but she's also a supreme badass, and she should be, as the Dora Milaje are a group of supreme badass women and the film does a great job of showing their importance and power.

But what I liked most about the movie is how different it feels in parts from other Marvel movies, and in a good way. Where "Thor: Ragnarok" made things different but immediately messed it up with an ill timed joke, "Black Panther" embraces those differences and that gives the movie room to shine and grow. The visuals are fantastic with Wakanda looking glorious, along with some globe trotting, which is done well and maintains its relevance to the plot. We also have several dream-esque sequences, which look beautiful. There's also a good deal of action and fight sequences and they are all done really, really well. The cast is so strong here and they mesh so damn well.

But, you can't go without stating how significant it is to have an African superhero, who is part of a larger cinematic universe, and who embraces its African heritage and identity, hitting the big screen. Yes, you can mention the "Blade" flicks, but those are a different animal for a few reasons, which I won't get into here. Like "Wonder Woman" and its pride in its female roots last year, "Black Panther" revels in its black identity and does not shy away from it. The sets, costumes, styles, etc, all feel African and to me, they were shown respect and love. After all, T'Challa's home is in Africa and any attempt to whitewash or shy away from that would be a slap in the face, but Ryan Cooger and Joe Robert Cole's script gives T'Challa and Wakanda a proud African heritage and in 2018, the idea of staying true to ones culture and identity is so damn important to see and understand. I'm really excited about what this film could mean to black audiences, just as I was excited to see how women audiences embraced/enjoyed "Wonder Woman." I almost feel like I'm hitting on that point too much, but dammit, that was stuck with me, the sense of understanding one's history, the present, and to know just where the future might go and lead to. It also touches on the themes of immigration, oppression, revolution, and helping one another to succeed and overcome challenges. In the turmoil and chaotic times we're going through, these themes become all the more important and relevant to the film.

When it's all said and done, BP is an incredibly strong entry into the now decade (!!!) old MCU. The film feels fresh, innovative, and brings with it a sense of importance and gravitas, a sense that was sorely missing from the meh-fest that was "Thor: Ragnarok." It's an origin film that ranks with Marvel's best, such as "Iron Man" and "Captain America: The Winter Soldier." Go see it. Rating - **** out of ****

And yes, stay for TWO credits scenes. You're welcome. :)

#black panther #chadwick boseman #danai gurira #michael b jordan #letitia wright #lupita nyong'o #marvel #review #hamm at the movies #hamm

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aleksandrakv · 7 years ago

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Social media in Adam Lambert’s life&career

It’s been so long since I’ve written anything longer than a tweet about Adam, but this stanning lethargy doesn’t reflect the level of my interest in the man. It may appear so, but can the lack of online presence automatically imply the lack of interest? In today’s state of affairs, when artists have carefully constructed and heavily monitored internet presence, when YouTube views are everything and the most powerful politicians seem to pay more attention to Twitter than their jobs, it would be understandable if it could. The www. has finally become literally that – a worldwide group chat, where presidents tweet, where actors, musicians and sportsmen keep vlogs on YouTube, writers publish their essays on Facebook, and everybody comments.

Adam Lambert has chosen not to do so. In an era when YouTube stars become singers who get Saturday Night Live slots where they whisper the lyrics into a microphone, and when the top trending video which garnered more than 30 million views in a day is one of a reality star announcing her pregnancy, Adam has taken a quiet step back in the past few years - and I together with him. I couldn’t help it. Twitter has lost its appeal to me ever since a constant possibility that Adam could see a particularly flaily or witty tweet was no longer an option – the magic of giddy anticipation was gone. For all intents and purposes, Adam has semi-abandoned Twitter and moved to Instagram; a Facebook affiliated app which I never took a liking to.

I was upset and a little resentful. I didn’t understand why. Not only did I have to suffer the cruel Atlantic Ocean between us, but now we were on different online apps, which is a fate way worse than living on different continents, according to cyber sense of geography. In my bitterness, I even had an occasional mean thought on the subject. Oh yeah, that’s because he can ogle hot guys there. What about MEEE? Or, even worse: it’s because of the filters. The man LOVES a good filter, the vain queen. Or, absolutely the worst: he wanted to escape the twitter crazies. It was the worst because I should have known that the crazies are everywhere. I was bitchy, mean, and so, so wrong. This essay is my redemption. The price I want to pay for my stupidity, because Adam does have a social media presence, albeit not as aggressive as I might like. There is a reason for that, which he has already given. I had read it before, but it flew right over me like a sparrow, equally tender and fragile, leaving my head unruffled and thoughtless as if nothing had happened.

Even on his preferred social network, Adam’s behavior is somewhat atypical, in a sense that he doesn’t hesitate to share less than perfect photos. Unfiltered, sweaty, in-your-face, flaking makeup photos of the realistic kind - a rare occurrence among the Hollywood hotties. But he is a geek like the rest of us. The anticipation of waiting for the first photos to appear when he has a concert is one of the best parts of being his fan. Adam is incredibly photogenic, but sometimes, those photos are low quality ones, taken by fans on their phones, from pretty unflattering angles. Adam somehow manages to look great in most of them, despite the low angles and the fact that great physical exertion makes everyone look awful. Being photographed in the middle of an adrenaline rush while singing from the top of your lungs for two hours is challenging. His facial features almost rearrange with strain, but Adam simply knows how to pose and is rarely caught off guard – a life’s tiny miracle. I love those candid pictures. And Adam posts only the best of them.

It’s the professional photos where he shines the most. Those are usually true works of art, crispy sharp and simply stunning in their quality. I don’t think I’ve ever seen less than perfect professional photo of Adam. They capture the moments that would otherwise be missed and allow you to fully appreciate the visual side the concert. In videos, the focus is primarily on the sound and the movement, but if I had to choose which medium reflects Adam’s emotional state and journey during concerts best, I would choose photography. It’s a strange thing to say about a singer, but Adam has a very expressive face and body. It’s like their muteness and stillness don’t subtract, but add to the experience of Adam’s process of creation.

In addition to music photography, Adam posts everything and anything that’s important to him, seemingly with no rhyme or reason. His Instagram page is a mess, a potpourri of professional photos, fan photos, album covers, photos of his family, friends, his dog, travelling photos, fashion photos, and all that in uneven levels of quality which most posters would never allow themselves. Adam has it all, from professional HD quality to grainy and blurry shots taken by a phone. It’s a far cry from carefully coordinated, handpicked and posted after a thousandth try stylish representation of other serious posters. He doesn’t juice for a week before taking selfies. He doesn’t always filter. He doesn’t always look pretty. He isn’t always all mysterious and artistic. He’s sometimes such a goofball. He is definitely an undisciplined Instagram user.

It’s a revealing fact. He deletes his posts sometimes, and I’m not sure if it’s the morning after self-filtering, or he gets the call. Social media can make or break a career nowadays. But on the other hand, you can be a successful artist without constant media presence – although it is a pretty rare occurrence. The only example coming to my mind is Frank Ocean. There are artists who have a modest number of followers and YouTube views, and yet they can and do fill up arenas, just as there are artists who have millions of followers and cannot have a decent tour.

In Adam’s case, I feel like he is past making or breaking his career online. At this point, he doesn’t need a heavily moderated Instagram page or a vlogging channel to achieve anything - other than making me happier, that is. The fact that I would love if Adam was more present, by engaging with his fans more, or, in best case scenario, vlogging about his life and career (I would sell my firstborn for that), doesn’t mean much in grander scheme of things. Adam has allowed himself the luxury of doing what he wants, and his Instagram page reflects that in the clearest of ways. I am not saying he wouldn’t benefit from having 50 million followers on Twitter or Instagram, but, he just doesn’t have that. If he can’t get it from doing his job and being who he is, he will never get it anyway. He refuses to participate in the social media race. So, unlike many a budding YouTube star trying to make it in other fields by creating an ideal, unrealistic impression of themselves, with their uniform, heavily filtered, grayscale artsy photos, Adam’s multifarious posts do reveal a lot simply by not being what one would expect. He’s a rebel just for kicks there.

Oh, there is some vanity there; he isn’t above it nor does he pretend to be. He smizes and pouts in many filtered photos and videos, enjoying his flawless skin provided by Instagram CEO Kevin Systrom’s filtering system, turning his head like this and like that like a Valley girl – but that’s just Adam playing with his toy. He has this proclivity for ridiculous behavior; that and the fact that he loves the ageless chibi art of Creative Sharka makes me sometimes think that he has entered a serious fear-of-getting-old phase. It would have been true if he posted such photos only, which he most definitely doesn’t.

Adam is a naturally beautiful man, why does he have to goof around like that? Well, because he is so much more than that. Because more than stunning good looks, he has a killer sense of humor. Because more than looking pretty and feeding his vanity, he loves having fun. He mocks himself, too. “I swear I didn't realize I was making full duck face” is his own comment on a truly astounding full duck face he made while trying to credit Valentino for a clothing item. He loves stand-up comedy. He’s watched the Amy Schumer Leather special, and the Ricky Gervais Humanity special, and posted about both shows. That’s how I know.

There’s a selfie which he took while Antinous was being tattooed on his torso – a particularly painful experience, according to him; hence the awkward facial expression. The photo is so ridiculous and unflattering that it immediately reminded me of the comical selfies which Ricky Gervais takes all the time, trying to look as ugly as possible in them, thus expressing his mockery on the worldwide mania of posting unrealistically perfect photos. Adam has a comedic streak a mile wide, and not only does it come out in concerts and movie roles such as his part of Eddie in the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but also in his Instagram page as well. Unlike Ricky, Adam just wants to laugh at himself. Yes, he sometimes looks ridiculous and weird - don’t we all? He’s no bullshitter, and never will be.

Now would be a great moment to mention his Grandma June alter ego. So, Adam has decided it would be great to make himself look forty years older, name the character Grandma June and rant throughout several videos on many a current topic. Who? What? Adam, the most eligible gay bachelor of several times? Adam, the Zeus in a thong sex symbol for many? Unbelievable. Waves of discomfort could be felt throughout the shallower waters of the fandom. Was he just having fun with it? Was he mocking himself for overusing de-aging filters? Was he helping himself get over his own fear of aging by laughing at his own expense? Was it some kind of reverse psychology/psychotherapy via Snapchat filters? Was it to shock his fans who come to his page for hotness and beauty galore, only to find Grandma June blinking owlishly at them? The list is endless. It’s like he was saying, ‘yeah, I’m hot, but I’m also ridiculous, funny and a little bit on the crazy side.’ Who knows. It’s certainly less ridiculous than me putting words in his mouth. It is also very non-Hollywood of Adam, where ageism is rampant and the anti-aging industry flourishes, where kids start injecting botox as soon as they’re twenty and where a lot of people take faces they’re born with as a slight suggestion. Interesting topic.

We’re now traipsing deeper and deeper into Adam’s more hidden depths. This makes it sound like scrolling through his Instagram page is a voyage into the heart of darkness, the Apocalypse Now style; but it does feel adventurous after you parse through the regular job-related stuff. Such aside interests tell us a lot about him and his fascinations, like his love and respect for other artists. He is a true fan at heart, expressing himself unabashedly and passionately – so many pictures of Freddie, Bowie and George Michael, but also Goldfrapp, Demi, Lady Gaga, and all his musician friends. Sometimes, he puts the flailers in his own fandom to shame. I like that about him. I feel like it’s a level we can relate on. And I love that he doesn’t have cheap, tit-for-tat, I’ll-do-you-and-you-do-me mentality. When he says that he likes something, you better fucking believe that he does.

He also loves nature. He posts sceneries – the beloved Runyon Canyon, the Ibiza cruise, Mexico, Bali, Mykonos in Greece, Argentina, you name it - but, he will also post a photo of a single olive tree. The fandom speculated for three days about what it could possibly mean. He posted a video of a single butterfly flapping its wings, and a colony of bats, and a lonely gecko crawling up the wall and a mother duck and her ducklings swimming in the lake. Endless photos of Pharaoh don’t even count. Details from around him capture his attention in a way that he expresses his emotive, intuitive side by showing us the impact they have on him. In his private moments, he is a far cry from a wild rocker living his wild rock’n’roll life. He’s so much more than that. He’s a tree watcher. A butterfly watcher. A bird watcher. Life and observing life clearly excites him.

He also loves architecture. He will post pictures of streets and buildings, sculptures and monuments, from everywhere he goes, and he travels a lot. Someone else would probably spend all pre- and post-concert time in hibernation accumulating energy, but not Adam. He loves the bas-reliefs, ancient facades, the Greco-Roman culture, supporting columns and carvings of Venetian houses; but every now and then he will also post some strange things, like tombstones. He’s a traveler with a twist. When he goes somewhere new, he sometimes visits cemeteries. He’s been to Boston Cemetery and Buenos Aires Cemetery. He posted a photo of the entrance to Jesus’ tomb from his visit to Jerusalem. No matter what B Hollywood horror movies are trying to tell us, cemeteries are never about being creepy or frightful -- they are like a library for the imagination. Wandering cemeteries around the globe, reading headstones, thinking about the lives of the people there, the mind wanders into a thousand stories. It can be therapeutic. But, who knows what Adam’s motives were. All I know is that he is more than just a traveler – he is also a spiritual explorer.

In everything he does, he rarely stays within the lines. This diversity tells us that Adam is a complex man before he is an artist, and even less than he is an artist, that he is a promoting artist. His self-promoting campaigns are there, but ever so subtle and discrete - nothing like the aggressive campaigning that has become obligatory nowadays. I’m not talking about the management or the label part in it, or whoever is in charge of his promotion; just Adam’s own role in it. A few tweets, a few Instagram posts, mostly just informative in nature, before a new release. Regarding concerts, a tweet before and after is a rarity. An occasional review. He will sometimes post great photos after concerts, though. I have no idea how to explain such behavior other than to say that he doesn’t want to do it, nor does he feel like he has to. Maybe he is of the ‘an artist should never reveal too much and keep a level of mystery’ persuasion. Maybe he believes the music will find its way to those who want to hear it. Or maybe he just finds it tacky, as I do, the ad nauseam self-promoting of certain artists. Who knows. I certainly wouldn’t find it tacky if Adam did it. We’ll see how Era 4 will roll out and if Adam will be more talkative then. The one explanation I personally find the most believable is that he is a well-mannered man who believes that you should let someone else praise you, and not your own mouth; an outsider, and not your own lips; but that’s because I tend to attribute Adam superhuman qualities. He can’t be that much of a gentleman, can he?

He is not very verbose in his Instagram captions either; most of them, that is. His posts are usually with very little or no comment from him. He tags the people in the photo, or he gives credit to the photographer – he is pretty diligent about it. On few unfortunate occasions when that didn’t happen, we had a mutiny among the photographers which ended with bruised egos on both sides.

So sparse are his comments, that when you do bump onto a few loquacious ones, you just know that it must be something of utter importance or that he feels strongly about. You don’t have to guess anything then, or draw unfortunate conclusions, which is a game his fans like to play and that Adam likes to engage us in by dropping random hints. No game here – his words are loud and crystal clear, concise and to the point, and apart from bringing my attention to the relevance of such particular posts, they serve to remind me what a great thinker and an amazing human being Adam is. Those words are always about love and equality.

One of such glimpses into his more private, passionate side is certainly his love and appreciation for Creative Sharka, a fan who makes digital paintings and chibi art of Adam and the moments in his career. He has posted her art several times and even met with her during his tour - such gratitude and appreciation of a fan really warms my heart. It tells me what I already knew: that he is such a fan himself, a great lover of everything that inspires him and open in his heart for the reciprocal love exchange between artists as the highest form of flattery. He’s had such situation in his career several times, on various levels, but this one with a fan feels truly rewarding.

Creative Sharka gives him her art, but it doesn’t have to be a tangible thing. One of the most revealing and emotional comments he wrote under a photo from one of his performances reveals so much. It is a photo whose focal point are the backs of two people, two guys, who are leaning against one another in a hug, their heads connected, and they are facing Adam singing on the stage in the background. They are in the forefront, their body language speaking of love; Adam is in the background, perhaps inspiring such connection. His comment says, “Really in luv w this photo. So sweet.” I’ve never read Adam saying that about any picture, and it’s one of the amateur, fan ones, too – and all the more precious for that.

But, does he always feel the love? Do we? Most of the times, I am sure that he does. But I have always imagined Adam as a highly emotional guy, which also means a great capacity for sadness, too, especially with so many reasons for it surrounding us. There is one, literally one sad comment that I have encountered during all these years. It’s under a photo of Frank the Robot’s head, taken before the show, with the top half of it waiting patiently to be connected with its bottom half by diligent Queen crew, so that Adam can ride it and spew obscenities into the audience from its shiny, metallic head. “Sad Clown,” is Adam’s caption. I don’t know if he felt bad for Frank at that moment, or the words are about Killer Queen, but there is a possibility that the words are about Frank’s rider later on. Sometimes, he does have to hide his sadness and paint his smile on. Who doesn’t.

He truly belongs to one of the rarest of species – a beautiful man who becomes even more beautiful when he opens his mouth and speaks. Or sings. In the pre-Trump, pre-Brexit, pre-Vučić era, I used to take his words for granted. I believed everybody thought so, or almost everybody. I was spectacularly wrong. The bout of sadness that gripped me then is still not easing up. How can it? This Weltschmerz has affected everyone with a soul - Adam, too. Will our physical reality ever satisfy the demands of our minds and souls ever again? I believe so, as long as there are people like Adam, like Emma Gonzalez, like many others who are fighting for it. That is what hope sounds like. With rising urgency, Adam speaks up.

“Black lives matter. For all of u who totally miss the point of this movement, the GOAL is for all lives to matter equally. But as it stands, racism is preventing us from that ideal. We must fix the reality so we can grow toward hope.”

We must fix the reality… We really do, Adam. Faced with such thoughts, don’t all previous words about promotion and lack of internet presence sound frivolous? I am glad that this is how Adam feels. I am so proud of him for sharing his thoughts.

When he posted a photo of Freddie, pointing out the hypocrisy of the ruling US political party using Freddie Mercury’s music, some people seemed to have an issue with that. This was Adam’s reply:

“I realize that there are many different schools of thought frequented by people following me on social media. EVERYONE is entitled to their opinions and beliefs. Including me. This is MY Instagram page where I share my experiences and feelings. If you don't agree with something, that's perfectly ok with me - but I'm not going to refrain from being me, and no one is forcing you to either.”

And refrained he has not.

He’s spoken against the gun violence.

He’s spoken about Orlando. About Paris. About all mass shootings.

He’s also spoken at the Los Angeles Pride Resist March last year. Here are some of his words:

“I typically avoid publicly speaking about politics because of its divisiveness. People get real sensitive, and I ain’t trying to piss anybody off. But, this year things have gone way too far.

So I’m not speaking today about being a democrat vs. a republican. Today is about right vs. wrong. The current presidential administration has manipulated the country using fear and hate to gain power to divide us. Our differences are being used against us. And the shockwaves of this dangerous rhetoric have rippled throughout our community and beyond. And it fucking hurts. We’ve come way too far to stand by and watch our social progress be yanked backwards. It’s almost as if they’re going, ‘Eh, you’re different. You can’t sit with us.’ What the fuck is that? It’s childish and it needs to end now.

Our pride parade is usually an all out shit show of a party where we all dress up like crazy unicorns and prance around through the streets. Yeah! It’s a celebration of the progress we have made – our liberation, our freedom, our glitter. But this year, we are facing such dark forces that pride has taken on a deeper purpose. Protest. So today, we stand together in order to support anyone whose human rights are at risk. We resist homophobia. We resist transphobia. We resist misogyny. Bi-invisibility. We resist racism. Xenophobia. And we resist extremism, and anything else that helps promote hate. We stand defiant and will not be brainwashed. We refuse to be sucked into that kind of negativity.

But, I ask you not to fight hate with hate. We don’t want to be hypocrites. So how can we resist? I’ll tell you what I think: with unity, with visibility, truth, inclusion, acceptance, and most importantly – love.”

Don’t his words boom loud? Read them and abide by them. Don’t scroll through or ignore them.

Shame on those who think that Adam should only do his job and stop voicing his opinions and views.

Shame on those who, blinded by his beauty, refer to him as a Ken doll.

Shame on those who say that he is back in the closet.

In his Love Letter to the LGBTQ community, which was published in Billboard magazine last year, he talks more about what his community means to him:

“Y'all are my true inspiration. You're life lines that have kept me grounded and thankful. All the LGBTQ musicians, dancers, drag queens, bar stars, club kids, DJ's, designers, actors, stylists, glam squads..... YOU are my circus family. It is because of all those years traipsing round our nocturnal playgrounds that I had any sense of how and why I wanted to stay the course; to rep for my queer family!

And now 8 years later, the LGBTQ community has come SO far. I see fellow artists AND civilians coming out with no apologies and no fucks given. Despite the current obstacles we face, I am blown away by our progress. We have come so far. My true fans share the same principles so we continue to welcome other alien weirdos into our family. Thank you ALL for inspiring and supporting my journey. I promise to keep doing the same for all of you.”

Should he speak more frequently? Adam has voiced his opinions time and again, but he won’t misuse the opportunity given to him. He has a sophisticated sense for not crossing the line between his art and his humanitarian fight. He never pushes anything under anyone’s nose; not his art; not his fight. He never uses just causes as a self-promoting opportunity.

This is all part of the reply to the question from the beginning about what the lack of social presence can mean. His social presence isn’t lacking, it is just of the unobtrusive kind. It’s all out there, only a few clicks away. Are we so used to the constant media shoveling content down our metaphorical throats that we can’t even register when something’s said only once?

Apparently, I am. Because I have already read Adam Lambert’s own explanation about deciding to moderate his social media presence and it hasn’t even made a blip on my radar at the time. I won’t tell you where his words are from, you can try to guess. It’s a direct quote. It says everything.

How pathetic now seems the discussion about flattering vs. less flattering photos? Don’t ask this man about the size of his gauges for a hundredth time and expect him to engage with his fans more. But Adam does, he does engage, for he isn’t a mean man and he answers the same trivial questions again and again. It’s perhaps a much better option than talking, I don’t know, about Weltschmerz. Sometimes, such discussions are better avoided, and not only that - he has already said what he wanted to say. It’s much more bearable to repeat the silly topics than the raw, emotional ones. The repetition hurts, and devalues the latter.

It really is a journey, from Grandma June, to cultivating self-love and True Individuality; only not to the heart of darkness, but to the one of lightness. It’s all him, the philosopher and the comedian, the Frank’s head rider and the march speaker. Read his words. Don’t forget them, like I did. Laugh with him, but also think with him and be sad with him.

“True Individuality seems daunting in our age of social media popularity contests. Sometimes it’s terrifying to face your true, whole self, stripped of any pretense. The good, the bad, the cracks, and the scars. I am no stranger to the feeling of not liking myself. Once I get past my own body image issues, I realize that I sometimes also neglect my own spirit. Living in a world filled with so much hatred sometimes makes cultivating self-love a very difficult task. I have always struggled with this as I’m sure many of you have. My path is a kind of paradox in that I get to share my craft with the world, but also be willing to throw myself to the wolves. To dare to be different, but still wanting to be accepted. There is vast beauty to be found in life’s contradictions. This non-binary reality allows us to lead happy, expressive lives, and yet this very freedom comes with great risks. I’m not alone in this limbo. Through my art, I pledge to bring empathy and courage to anyone who has been made to feel unworthy or ashamed while daring to be themselves.”

***

~The sources for everything mentioned in the essay are Adam Lambert’s social media pages. I’ve decided against posting any links because I feel like this one reference is enough.

~No photos either, since I mention too many of them and this bloody thing is too long already. Just this one.

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daggerzine · 5 years ago

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Interview with Freya Seeburger of Cellista (by Dina Hornreich)

Bonjour Freya! I eagerly look forward to your return to the Denver area next week when I will have the honor to experience your forthcoming performance at the Mercury Café. I understand your father, Frank, is a noted Heidegger scholar who retired from the University of Denver not that long ago. I am intrigued by both your work and his as they have combined in your current multimedia installation, Transfigurations. I thank both of you for taking the time to consider my questions as we eagerly anticipate your upcoming performance.

Dagger Zine: Are you able to explain what your overall message is in choosing the concept of Transfiguration (a term most commonly used in reference to JC’s appearance to his disciples) in approaching this impressive interdisciplinary project as it reflects your personal journey in finding your true artistic voice and/or self?

This concept suggests a kind of metamorphosis that often takes place as we recover from traumatic experiences -- a healing that needs to take place in different social contexts (as well as within our own individual minds, hearts, and souls) ranging from interpersonal relationships (family, friends, romantic, professional) and gradually expanding to larger groups/collectives that encompass the various intersecting communities where we find love and belongingness (geographic, cultural, spirituality/faith, philosophical/intellectual, creative/artistic, political, etc.) -- and the pragmatic obstacles such organizational efforts undoubtedly face in establishing their legitimacy as they are social justice endeavors that de facto challenge the status quo simply in their benign existence.

Cellista:

Transfigurations has been conceptually challenging. It feels like it grew out of my own inner wounds, some of which I discuss in my essays, and needing to pull them out in order to attend to them. Although, the project’s namesake comes from a performance art piece by Olivier de Sagazan, it’s true that the biblical story of Jesus’ transfiguration lends a strong reflection of my project’s essence.

I found a particular resonance in the biblical transfiguration of JC in that he went unrecognized by his disciples following his transfiguration on Mt. Tabor. I think this project is my own attempt to see myself and see myself reflected in the gaze of others. It is simply trying to provide a place for my world to meet the worlds of those around me and create a sense of place. I think I am still searching for my artistic voice but the path to it requires my own recognition that I may never find it until I allow myself to see it. Or maybe I just need to allow myself to be lost for a while.

Dr. Frank Seeburger:

What appeals to me about the term and notion of transfiguration, as opposed to metamorphosis, is that the former suggests, not an actual change of form (morphe) such as when a caterpillar changes into a butterfly, but rather the coming to appear under a different light, as it were. The basic model is indeed the Biblical one of Jesus going with the three disciples to the top of Mount Tabor, where suddenly the disciples are shown Jesus in an altogether different light. But the idea of such radical change in how something appears, reveals, or manifests itself, without undergoing substantive change, carries for me the connotation of the revelation/manifestation that defines truth itself—in the fundamental Heideggerian sense of “disclosure” or “un-covered-ness,” in contrast to mere propositional “correctness” or “representational accuracy.” The recovery from trauma is, to my mind, just such a transfiguring experience: one in which that which up till now had manifested itself with the face of doom (the horrifying hydra-head of Medusa, to borrow from Freud) suddenly manifests altogether differently, with the face of love and liberation (what I like to call “the kiss of Medusa”). That leads me to the second question—

Dagger Zine: How do you define this avant-garde genre/niche defying sonic/noise multimedia approach, and why is it so conducive for radical expressions of all kinds?

For me, it seems like a means for embracing the things most frequently dismissed as interference, such as static, because it makes people uncomfortable and is fundamentally unpleasant (perhaps discordant) on an emotional level... so we naturally choose to reduce it, even avoid it (consciously and unconsciously). This avoidance strategy is a common psychological coping mechanism that often leads to addiction -- and if the pain is too unendurable, suicide. These are two elements that seem like modern day afflictions (potentially exacerbated by the overuse of communication technology), in my mind. I wonder if recovery forces us to confront those demons head on...to radically accept what trauma has happened (regardless of whether or not it was warranted) in order to prevent us from self-perpetuating those elements and finally put an end to our personal suffering. In other words, to truly emerge into a place of love, compassion, and peace for both ourselves and others -- and no longer be the victims of an uninvited abusive existence/reality.

Dr. Seeburger:

The reaction to traumatic events, as Freud crucially taught, is two-fold—or, we might say, double-faced like Janus or double-sided like a coin. One face or side is that of shock, avoidance, or repression—the expression of the sheer incapacity of the “organism” (Freud’s language, of course). The other face or flip- side is that of compulsive repetition—just such repetition, be it noted, as one finds indeed in addiction. The point or goal of the compulsive repetition is eventually to bring to the point of utter breakdown the effort to avoid/repress, and at last standing still to let the impact of the trauma come upon one: to let Medusa’s head catch up to one at last, when suddenly that head is transfigured (i.e., manifested in a completely different light) from a nest of snakes into a kiss of love. Then, indeed, one is no longer manifest to oneself as a victim, but has oneself become transfigured, manifesting now as being oneself capable of love and generous embrace of what is given.

Cellista:

My approach is rooted in my want to create a meeting point for the stories of my community to gather to be heard and seen. To witness and to be witnessed in a kind of ebb and flow of gazes and exchanges. As I begin to conceptualize projects, I gravitate toward whatever discipline seems to best express the essence of a story. Very often, it is the meeting of different disciplines that most naturally illuminates the tale waiting to be heard. In the juxtaposition of different elements, a new light is cast and both elements can be truly seen. I supposed this is provides a place for radical expression to be expressed and experienced.

What I feel in my work is the separateness of different media and their coexistence beside each other. It reminds of communities living alongside each other, at times engaging with each other and spinning small threads that connect them and at other times, simply being next to each other, unaware of the other. Within my immediate home of San Jose, CA I sense this unwillingness to see the commonalities between communities cohabitating in the same space. A sense of otherness, which my project Transfigurations is trying to unveil.

The namesake of the title comes from the French performance artist Olivier de Sagazan, also a painter and sculptor, whose work Transfiguration is based in an examination of the vulgar and grotesque. He performs a ritualized masking of his body with wet clay and in this performance is able to transfigure himself. The layers of clay on his body and face disfigure him. To an audience it is quite shocking. The first time I witnessed it I felt a sense of profound calmness and grounding to watch this act of performance that seemed to mirror my own examinations of otherness. Seeing his image altered like that with layers of sediment felt like I was watching my own insides coming out. I saw myself.

It was within moments of seeing parts of my self within different acts of performance and media that has informed my process. Transfigurations is maybe less niche defying than it is an acceptance of the many places or niches it can exist in.

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