#he's president carrot

[lady-bizarre]

DUDE

[bevioletskies]

gemini & fourth (in every universe) ↳ li ming vs. gun vs. atom + wearing their boyfriend's shirt

“Oh, please. Look at the color. I’m not wearing it. It’s too sweet.”

[thornestar]

Tomorrow is the national day of mourning for my favorite peanut farmer.

[carnalcrows]

BABYSITTER - THE SALESMAN

pairing: the salesman x male reader

synopsis: When a broke college student takes a babysitting gig, he signs up for snack time and bedtime stories—but ends up with bloodstains, cryptic employers, and an unsettling crush on the kid’s disturbingly hot dad.

content warnings: 18+, bottom male reader, blackmailing, blood, anal, breeding, creampie, missionary, mating press, dubcon, mentions of kidnapping, too much plot

word count: 5.2k (good lord)

It was a typical Wednesday afternoon when you found yourself perched in the corner of the campus café, a half-empty cup of cold coffee sweating onto the table beside your laptop. Bills, tuition, and the general weight of adulthood had a way of pressing down on your shoulders, leaving you in a constant state of mild panic. You scrolled through job listings with the desperation of someone clinging to a lifeboat.  

Barista? You had already been rejected twice due to your “lack of experience.”  

Retail? They wanted you available on weekends, which wasn’t feasible with your study schedule.  

Dog walker? Allergic to fur.  

The list grew more depressing as the minutes ticked by, until one particular post caught your attention:  

"Babysitter needed. Flexible hours. Payment upon services rendered. Serious applicants only."  

There was no company name, no attached image of a smiling family, not even a hint about the age of the child you’d be babysitting. The simplicity of it screamed sketchy, but the promise of payment dangled in front of you like a carrot on a stick. 

“Desperate times,” you muttered, clicking on the post.  

The application form was equally bare-bones, asking only for your name, availability, and a short paragraph about why you wanted the job. You quickly typed something generic about being responsible and good with kids, then hit send without much hope.  

To your surprise, you received a reply almost immediately.  

"You’re hired. Start tomorrow at 3 PM. Address: [Redacted]."  

You stared at the screen, bewildered. No interview? No background check? Either this was the world’s most desperate parent, or you were walking into a scam. A friend texted you moments later, asking if you’d found a job yet, and you decided to leave out the details when you replied, 

"Yep, starting tomorrow."  

The afternoon sun was scorching as you made your way up the steps of the quaint suburban house. The place had a sort of storybook charm—a neat lawn, pastel shutters, and a small porch swing swaying lazily in the breeze. If it weren’t for the suspiciously vague job listing you’d answered, you might have thought you were walking into a feel-good rom-com instead of a potentially shady situation.  

You knocked on the door and waited. Seconds ticked by. You shifted awkwardly, glancing over your shoulder as if expecting hidden cameras. But just as you were about to knock again, the door flew open with surprising force, revealing a little girl standing barely taller than the doorknob.  

“Hi!” she exclaimed, her voice so cheerful it nearly gave you whiplash. “Are you the babysitter?”  

“Uh… yeah,” you replied, startled by the sheer intensity of her enthusiasm. “That’s me.”  

“I’m Su-an,” she said proudly, puffing out her chest. “Come in! I was just having a meeting with my council!”  

Before you could even ask what she meant, she grabbed your hand and tugged you inside. The house was warm and cozy, if a little cluttered, with toys scattered across the floor and crayon drawings taped haphazardly on the walls.  

---

“This is Mr. Snuggles,” Su-an announced, holding up a ragged teddy bear with one ear chewed off. “He’s the president of my council.”  

“Uh-huh,” you said, nodding solemnly. “And what does the council do?”  

“Important stuff,” she said, narrowing her eyes like she was letting you in on a state secret. “Like deciding who gets cookies after dinner. Also, they voted to make you the assistant.”  

You blinked. “I don’t remember running for office.”  

“Well, you didn’t,” she said matter-of-factly. “But Mr. Snuggles said you looked like you’d be good at it.”  

Before you could protest, she shoved the bear into your hands and pointed to a tiny table covered in a chaotic mix of crayons, plastic teacups, and a single half-eaten cookie.  

“Sit,” she ordered. “The council meeting is starting!”  

---

The rest of the afternoon unfolded in a whirlwind of nonsensical games and increasingly bizarre “council decisions.” At one point, you were ordered to wear a paper crown (which barely fit) and were dubbed the “Official Snack Prince.” Your royal duties included distributing Goldfish crackers and ensuring everyone—stuffed animals included—got an equal share.  

“You’re actually pretty good at this,” Su-an said, eyeing you critically as you handed Sir Fluffington his crackers. “Better than my last babysitter.”  

“Oh?” you asked, curious. “What happened to them?”  

“They couldn’t handle the council,” she said gravely.  

---

After the meeting adjourned, Su-an decided it was time to “train” you in the art of hide-and-seek. You played along, even though she kept hiding in the same spot: under the dining table, her giggles giving her away every single time.  

“Found you again!” you said, crouching down to peer under the table.  

She gasped, genuinely shocked. “How are you so good at this?!”  

“It’s a gift,” you deadpanned, earning another round of giggles.  

---

When hide-and-seek got old, she declared it was “dance party time.” She dragged you to the living room, where she plugged in her favorite playlist on an ancient speaker. The first song was a pop hit you vaguely recognized, and before you could even protest, she was already twirling around like a whirlwind.  

“Come on!” she yelled over the music.  

“I don’t dance,” you started, but she shot you a look so devastatingly adorable that you had no choice but to join in.  

What followed was ten minutes of the most ridiculous dancing of your life. Su-an moved like she was powered by pure chaos, flailing her arms and jumping around, while you attempted something resembling the robot. She laughed so hard she tripped over her own feet, and you had to catch her before she face-planted into the couch.  

---

As the day wore on, you found yourself genuinely enjoying her company. She was smart, funny, and had the kind of boundless energy that made you wonder if kids ran on caffeine instead of juice boxes.  

By the time bedtime rolled around, you were exhausted. Getting her into pajamas was an ordeal—she insisted she couldn’t sleep without her “lucky socks,” which turned out to be mismatched and buried at the bottom of her toy chest. When you finally tucked her in, she stared up at you with wide, sleepy eyes.  

“Will you come back tomorrow?” she asked, clutching Mr. Snuggles to her chest.  

“Yeah,” you said, smiling. “I’ll be here.”  

“Promise?”  

“Promise.”  

---

As you made your way back downstairs, you felt a surprising sense of accomplishment. Babysitting wasn’t what you’d imagined yourself doing, but something about Su-an’s infectious energy and genuine joy made it worth it.  

You tidied up the living room, stepping over plastic dinosaurs and rogue crayons, and couldn’t help but laugh to yourself. If every day was going to be like this, maybe this job wouldn’t be so bad after all.  

---

And so, your days with Su-an became a routine. Every afternoon, she greeted you at the door like an excited puppy, launching into a new scheme or game. One day, she decided you were a dragon and she was a brave knight. The next, you were her art teacher, helping her draw increasingly absurd animals like “dog-o-sauruses” and “cat-icorns.”  

One particularly memorable day, she tried to teach you how to braid her hair. It did not go well.  

“Why are there so many strands?!” you groaned, your fingers tangled in her hair.  

“It’s easy!” she said, giggling. “You just go over, under, over, under!”  

“You sound like a cryptic math teacher,” you muttered, earning another round of giggles.  

---

The days passed in a blur of laughter and chaos, and soon, you found yourself looking forward to your afternoons with Su-an. She made you forget about your stress, your bills, and your endless to-do list.  

Still, a question lingered in the back of your mind: where was her dad during all of this? But for now, you were content to let the mystery be. After all, it was hard to worry about much when you had a six-year-old demanding you be her “Royal Snack Advisor.”

It was one of those rare evenings when the air felt just right—not too cold, not too warm, with a soft breeze that carried the faint smell of grass and distant barbecues. Su-an had begged to go to the park after dinner, and you’d caved, eager to get some fresh air and give her a chance to burn off her endless energy.

“Push me higher!” Su-an squealed as she swung back and forth, her legs pumping excitedly. You stood behind her, laughing as you gave the swing a gentle push.

“Higher, huh? What are you trying to do, touch the clouds?”

“Maybe!” she shouted, giggling as the swing reached its peak.

The park wasn’t crowded—just a few other families and joggers scattered around. It was peaceful, the kind of evening where you could almost forget the strange tension that sometimes hung around the house, the questions you tried not to ask about her father’s late-night comings and goings.

But the peace didn’t last.

As you helped Su-an off the swing and she dragged you toward the monkey bars, a commotion near the edge of the park caught your attention. At first, you thought it was just a group of people arguing—a not-uncommon sight in the city. But then you saw him.

Your heart stopped.

There, in the dim light of a flickering street lamp, was a man—the man. His tall frame was unmistakable, even in the shadows. He stood over a small group of disheveled, huddled figures, who you quickly realized were homeless people. A plastic bag lay torn at his feet, loaves of bread spilled across the ground.

He wasn’t just standing there. He was stepping on the bread.

Your breath caught as you watched him stomp down with deliberate, almost mechanical force, grinding the food into the dirt. The homeless group stared in silence, some in shock, others looking away as if too defeated to protest.

“Isn’t that Daddy?”

The innocent question cut through the haze of disbelief like a knife. You snapped your head down to look at Su-an, her wide eyes fixed on the scene with a mix of curiosity and confusion.

“No,” you said quickly, your voice sharper than you intended. “It’s not.”

“But—”

Before she could finish, you crouched down and gently placed your hands over her eyes. “Let’s go, Su-an. We’re leaving.”

“Why can’t I look? What’s wrong?” she whined, squirming in your grasp.

“Because it’s not safe,” you said, trying to keep your voice steady as you picked her up and started walking away, her protests muffled against your shoulder.

Your mind raced as you carried her toward the car. What had you just witnessed? That couldn’t have been him—could it? But the silhouette, the way he carried himself—it was all too familiar.

You buckled Su-an into her car seat, doing your best to distract her with promises of ice cream and cartoons when you got home. But even as she babbled happily about her favorite flavors, your hands trembled on the steering wheel.

By the time you got back to the house and put Su-an to bed, your heart was still pounding. You paced the living room, replaying the scene over and over in your head. The way he’d crushed the bread underfoot—there had been no hesitation, no anger, just cold, calculated precision.

Who does that?

And more importantly, why?

The house was silent, save for the faint hum of the refrigerator and the occasional creak of the floorboards as you shifted on the couch. You hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but between your classes, assignments, and Su-an’s boundless energy, exhaustion had taken its toll.

It was the sound of the front door slamming that jolted you awake. Disoriented, you blinked into the darkness, the faint glow of the kitchen light casting long shadows across the room. Footsteps echoed through the hallway—heavy, deliberate, and nothing like the hurried, near-silent ones you were used to from the man of the house.

You sat up, your heart beginning to race. Something wasn’t right.

When he appeared in the doorway, your stomach twisted into a knot. His usually pristine white shirt was drenched in blood, the vivid crimson staining the fabric and dripping in thick, uneven streaks. His face was ashen, his dark eyes wild and unfocused, like a man teetering on the edge of something you couldn’t name.

“Wh-what happened?” you stammered, instinctively backing away as the metallic tang of blood reached your nose.

“It’s not my blood,” he said curtly, his voice gravelly and sharp.

As if that was supposed to make you feel better.

“That doesn’t answer my question!” you said, your voice trembling despite your attempt to sound firm.

He staggered toward the kitchen, his movements unsteady but purposeful. Against every ounce of self-preservation screaming at you to stay put, you got up and followed him.

“Are you hurt?” you asked, your tone softer this time.

He didn’t respond, instead gripping the edge of the counter as if to steady himself. The dim light overhead cast harsh shadows across his sharp features, making him look even more unapproachable than usual.

“Sit down,” you said, surprised by the steadiness of your own voice.

He turned his head, his gaze locking onto yours with an intensity that made your chest tighten. For a moment, you thought he’d ignore you, but then he surprised you by obeying. He sank into one of the kitchen chairs, his movements slow and deliberate, as if every step cost him.

You grabbed a damp cloth from the sink, your hands trembling slightly as you wrung it out. You weren’t sure why you were doing this—why you weren’t running out the door or calling the police. Maybe it was the way he looked, like a man who had seen too much, or maybe it was the faint vulnerability hiding behind his hard exterior.

“This... isn’t normal,” you muttered, more to yourself than him, as you began wiping the blood from his face. The cloth came away dark and sticky, and your stomach churned.

“You shouldn’t concern yourself with things you don’t understand,” he said quietly, his voice carrying a warning edge.

You paused, meeting his gaze. His eyes were darker than you’d ever seen them, filled with something unreadable—a mix of exhaustion, anger, and something else that sent a shiver down your spine.

“I’m here,” you said, almost defiantly, as you moved to clean his hands. “So I’m already concerned.”

He didn’t respond, but the tension in his shoulders seemed to ease ever so slightly.

The silence between you grew even heavier, the only sound now being the soft movement of the cloth against his skin. Your hands were shaking slightly as you worked, wiping the blood from his face, his hands, but his eyes never left you. They were intense—piercing, almost as though he were searching for something in your expression.

You couldn’t look away for long. The tension in the air thickened with every passing second, your heartbeat picking up, each thud echoing loudly in your ears. It was like being drawn into a web you didn’t fully understand but couldn’t escape from, no matter how hard you tried.

When you finally stepped back, giving him space, you thought you’d be able to breathe again. But then, his hand shot out, quick as lightning, wrapping around your wrist. The touch was firm, deliberate, sending an involuntary jolt of electricity through your veins. You tried to pull away, but his grip was unyielding. His fingers were cold against your skin, but the intensity in his eyes made your heart race.

"Why are you helping me?" His voice was low, gravelly, and for a moment, you wondered if he was testing you—seeing if you’d reveal the truth, or maybe if you’d run.

You swallowed hard, trying to steady your breath, but your pulse was hammering, and you couldn’t ignore the way your body reacted to his proximity. The heat between you both felt suffocating. His touch was grounding, yet it stirred something dangerous inside you. “Because someone has to,” you replied, your voice steady, though you could feel the words slipping off your tongue more as a defense than truth.

His gaze deepened, darkening in a way that sent a chill down your spine. The air between you was thick, electric, as if there were an unspoken promise between you both—a promise you knew you were too afraid to fully acknowledge. Then, before you could even react, he pulled you in close. His other hand slid to the back of your neck, fingers threading through your hair with a force that made your breath catch in your throat.

And then his lips were on yours.

It wasn’t gentle. It wasn’t slow. It was a collision, desperate and overwhelming, like a dam that had been holding back too much for too long and was finally breaking free. His kiss was messy—almost violent—as if he needed to consume you, to claim you in a way that made your knees weak and your thoughts scatter. His lips were demanding, his teeth grazing your bottom lip in a way that made your body tremble.

You should’ve pushed him away, told him to stop, told him that this was wrong. Your mind screamed at you to break free, but your body betrayed you, leaning into him instead, matching the fervor of his kiss. His hand slid to your waist, pulling you even closer, his grip tightening. Your breath was ragged between kisses, and your pulse pounded in your ears as the world outside of the two of you seemed to vanish.

When he pulled away, just far enough to catch his breath, your lips were swollen, your chest heaving. You couldn’t think. All you could feel was the lingering heat of his touch, the undeniable thrum of desire that still buzzed beneath your skin. His eyes met yours, and for a moment, there was something in them—something dark, dangerous, but...hungry.

His lips curved into a smirk, and it sent a jolt of unease running down your spine, mingled with something else, something deeper.

“You’re in over your head, kid,” he said, his voice a low murmur that sent a shiver down your back.

The words should’ve been a warning. They should’ve sent you running. But instead, they only lingered in the air between you, wrapping themselves around you like a noose. You should’ve known then, but you didn’t want to listen.

And for the first time, you realized: you were already tangled up in his web, and maybe—just maybe—you didn’t want to escape.

The obsession grew in subtle ways. You’d arrive to find unexpected gifts waiting for you on the kitchen counter: a sleek leather wallet, a watch so expensive you didn’t dare wear it, a bottle of cologne that smelled like a storm breaking over the ocean.

When you tried to protest—“This is too much” or “I can’t accept this”—his expression would shift. His jaw would tighten, his eyes darkening with something that made your chest tighten.

“Take it,” he’d say, his tone brooking no argument. And you’d always comply, your words catching in your throat as he gave you a look that said refusing wasn’t an option.

Your feelings about him became a tangled mess of contradictions. Every instinct screamed that something about him was wrong. The blood, the cryptic way he spoke, the chilling bread incident in the park—they all painted a picture of a man you should stay far away from.

But then there were the moments that left you reeling. A lingering glance, a brush of his hand against yours, the way he could soften—just slightly—when he saw you with Su-an.

The first time he kissed you, you felt like your world had been turned inside out. It was sudden, overwhelming, and left you breathless. His lips were rough but urgent, like he was staking a claim rather than asking permission. And when it happened again—and again—you didn’t push him away. Instead, you found yourself leaning into him, craving the heat of his touch despite every rational thought telling you to run.

But his obsession wasn’t content to simmer beneath the surface. It began to consume him, bleeding into the delicate balance of your day-to-day life.

He started showing up during your babysitting hours, a presence that was impossible to ignore. At first, he’d just watch from the doorway as you played with Su-an, his dark eyes following your every move with a possessiveness that sent shivers down your spine.

Then, his involvement escalated. He’d dismiss you early—always with some excuse about needing to talk to you. But the moment Su-an was out of earshot, his demeanor would shift. He’d pull you into his room, his hands firm but not rough as he guided you inside.

“You’re spending so much time with her,” he’d say, his voice low and rough, tinged with something you couldn’t quite place. “Don’t forget who’s paying you.”

His lips would crash against yours before you could respond, his kisses urgent and messy, as though he couldn’t stand the thought of you being anywhere else but with him.

The final straw came on a night like any other—or so you thought. Su-an had already gone to bed, and you were tidying up the living room when your gaze drifted toward the slightly ajar door of the man’s study. It was a room he rarely used in your presence, a space he kept locked most of the time.

You hadn’t intended to snoop. But the door was open, and your curiosity, already inflamed by the strange events surrounding him, got the better of you.

Inside, the air was thick with the scent of leather and faintly bitter cologne. The dim lighting cast long shadows over the mahogany desk and the shelves lined with books and files. One particular folder caught your attention—it was open, papers spilling out as if hastily shoved aside.

Your heart sank as you picked up the first page. It was your class schedule, neatly printed and highlighted. Beneath it were receipts from your favorite coffee shop, notes about your usual order scribbled in the margins.

And then there were the photos.

They weren’t candid shots taken on the street or at the park. They were intimate, the kind of photos someone would take if they were watching closely—too closely. You recognized the outfits, the moments. One was of you laughing as you pushed Su-an on the swings. Another showed you sitting on a park bench, earbuds in, entirely unaware of the camera.

The air in the room felt too thick, like it was choking you. Your fingers trembled as you shoved the papers back into the folder, heart hammering in your chest.

“What the hell is this?”

The words left your mouth before you even realized he was standing in the doorway, his tall frame silhouetted against the light from the hall. His expression was unreadable, but his eyes burned with something intense.

The folder in your hands felt heavier than it should have, its contents seared into your memory. Photos of you, notes about your life, details no one should know unless they’d been watching you for far too long. Your heart pounded in your chest as you stared at him, standing so calmly in the doorway as if this was all perfectly normal.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” you demanded, your voice shaking.

He didn’t answer right away. Instead, he stepped further into the room, his movements slow, deliberate. The door clicked shut behind him, sealing you in with the man you were starting to realize you knew far less about than you’d thought.

“I warned you,” he said, his voice low, almost soothing. “I told you not to go looking where you shouldn’t.”

“This—this is insane,” you stammered, backing up until the edge of the desk pressed against your hips. “Why do you have these? Why are you—”

“You don’t get it, do you?” he interrupted, his tone softening as he drew closer. His gaze was unrelenting, pinning you in place. “I’ve been watching over you. Protecting you. You’re... important to me.”

“Protecting me?” you shot back, your voice breaking. “This is stalking. This is obsessive. This—this isn’t normal!”

He stopped just a breath away from you, his height and presence overwhelming. His eyes, dark and piercing, searched yours for something, though you couldn’t tell what. Slowly, he reached out, his hand brushing against your cheek.

“I can’t lose you,” he murmured, his voice almost breaking. “Do you have any idea what you mean to me–and to my daughter? You’ve become... everything.”

The warmth of his touch sent an involuntary shiver down your spine. Your body tensed, torn between the instinct to pull away and the undeniable pull of his closeness.

“Stop,” you whispered, though your voice lacked the strength it should have had. “This isn’t—this can’t—”

But he didn’t stop. His other hand moved to your waist, firm but not forceful, as he leaned closer.

“You keep saying it’s wrong,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper, his breath warm against your lips. “But you don’t push me away.”

His lips brushed against yours, testing, as though giving you one last chance to stop him. But when you didn’t move, when your breath hitched and your hands gripped the edge of the desk behind you, he took it as permission.

The kiss was slow at first, deliberate and searching, as though he was memorizing every inch of your mouth. But it didn’t stay that way for long. His hand slid up to the back of your neck, fingers tangling in your hair as he pulled you closer, deepening the kiss.

You gasped against him, your hands instinctively gripping his shirt. The heat of him, the sheer intensity of his presence, was dizzying. When his teeth grazed your bottom lip, you couldn’t suppress the small sound that escaped you—a sound that seemed to ignite something in him.

His movements grew more desperate, more consuming. He pressed you back against the desk, his body caging you in as his lips moved from your mouth to your jaw, then down to the sensitive skin of your neck. The scrape of his stubble sent sparks of sensation racing down your spine, and you couldn’t help the way your head tilted to give him better access.

“You drive me insane,” he murmured against your skin, his voice rough, almost guttural. “Do you even realize what you do to me?”

You swallowed hard, your mind racing even as your body betrayed you, leaning into him. His hands gripped your waist, his thumbs brushing just under the hem of your shirt, and you shivered at the contact.

“This... this isn’t okay,” you managed, though the words came out weak, shaky.

“No,” he agreed, pulling back just enough to look at you. His gaze was dark, filled with something you didn’t dare name. “But that doesn’t mean you don’t want it.”

The words hung between you, heavy and charged, as he leaned in again, his lips claiming yours with a hunger that left no room for argument. And though your mind screamed at you to stop, to push him away, your body betrayed you, pulling him closer instead.

His hand slowly trailed to the hem of your sweatpants, lightly tugging on the strap, you flinched when his cold hand suddenly went under your boxers. 

“We shouldn’t be doing this– Su-an might-” you were interrupted with his other hand covering your mouth.

“Hush now, this room is soundproof,” he merely stated before harshly pulling your pants and boxers down with one tug. He then picked you up and placed you on the desk, pushing aside all the files and paper, which now seemed so insignificant.

“You’re hard. Are you still telling me you don’t want this?” He questions, his warm breath fanning your ear. You shuddered at the feeling, not knowing what to say, or what to do.

Before you could form words, he wraps his hand around your aching cock which was standing erect, partly due to the cool air, and partly due to what was happening.

His movements were minimal, slowly moving his hand along your shaft, while his other hand fetched a packet of lube from his back pocket. Where he managed to get that, you couldn’t tell.

He ripped the packet with his teeth, and spread the substance all over his fingers, before swiftly flipping you over, so that your ass was facing him.

Before you could utter a word of process, he had slipped a lubed finger in you. A wanton moan left your mouth at the sudden intrusion. 

“Fuck–don’t stop, please,” the man only smirked at this, slowly sliding in another finger, and then another. Three of his fingers slowly pumped in and out of you, and oh, it felt heavenly. His other hand held you up just a bit, to keep you from falling off the study desk.

Your hands gripped onto the desk, frantically trying to keep yourself upright, but to no avail. You kept slumping off, the pleasure being too overwhelming.

“Stay still for me pet, that’s it–good boy,” the praise went straight to your dick, your eyes rolling to the back of your head.

Soon, the man determined that you had been prepped enough, and removed his fingers. You whined at the sudden emptiness, wanting to feel full once more.

He stared at your twitching hole, clenching around nothing. The sight did nothing but turn him on even more.

He removed his belt and cast it aside, while tugging down his pants and boxers with a sense of urgency. He easily flipped you over with his strong arms, now getting a clear view of your already fucked-out face.

He merely grinned, and before you could respond, he slid into your awaiting hole. You gasped at the intrusion, the head of his cock bullying its way into your hole. He groaned feeling the way you clenched around his length.

Without waiting for you to adjust, he fucked into you like an animal in heat, holding your legs in such a way that your knees where at your shoulders.

The new angle made his length hit your prostate with every thrust, making your head fall back on the table, a loud moan leaving your lips.

 The man was savouring every single reaction, every little noise you made. “Such a sweet little thing,” he cooed. “Can’t even keep a straight head while getting fucked, hm?”

The only thing that left your mouth was a string of garbled noises. Your brain had quite literally turned to mush with how well he was fucking you.

Soon, you felt your orgasm wash over you like a waterfall, but the man didn’t stop. Instead, he fucked into you harder, a bulge forming in your stomach with every thrust.

He lightly pressed on the bulge, which made you squeal– the overstimulation doing too much to your head.

He kept rutting into you until he felt his climax. When it came, his thrusts slowly started to stutter. Without warning he emptied his load in you, painting your gummy walls white.

He kept you on the desk, without pulling out as you whimpered, feeling so, so full.

With your mind in such a disarrayed state, you didn’t notice him slip a small ring onto your finger.

“Now you can’t leave me–or Su-an, ever. Poor thing needs a mother after all.”

© carnalcrows on tumblr. Please do not steal my works as I spend time and and I take genuine effort to do them.

[maturemenoftvandfilms]

Mr. Walz

Featuring Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz

Back in the late ‘90s, Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz, and now Vice President Kamala Harris’ running mate, was a high school teacher and football coach in rural Minnesota. I attended Mankato West from 2000-2004, having Walz for 11th grade history. Being gay at the time, I initially expected to hate Walz, because he was a football coach and a hunter. But he was accepting and really friendly with me; with everyone really. He’s genuinely the goofy teacher that was in the hallway greeting every kid every morning, giving high fives and fist bumps. He and his wife, also a teacher at the school, provided vital support during my formative years. And to be honest, I thought he was cute.

He was in his late 30s and about 21 years my senior at that time, about my height, which is just shy of five foot-nine. He was chiselled like most middle-aged men with a gut. He dressed conservatively, usually a short sleeve solid colored shirt with a tee shirt under it and trousers which seemed to be a few sizes too small. I couldn’t help but find myself staring at his tightly held manhood, which showed a clear outline of his thick cock. That bulge had me daydreaming during our meets and school outings. I would jerk-off with this image in my mind every night.

After graduation, I didn’t see my ex-teacher again until I attended a campaign dinner in Falcon Heights, Minnesota. He instantly recognized me, smiling broadly and gave me a big hug. We’re talking 20-something years ago, and to have your 10th-grade geography teacher remember you after all of that time, it means something. I couldn’t call him Gov. Walz, because he will forever be Mr. Walz.

We talked a bit then, and a couple times throughout the evening. He asked me about what I was up to, if I was dating, the usual chit chat. I was so giddy to see Mr. Walz that I confessed that I had a crush on him in high school. I told him I thought about him every night when I jack off. How I use a big carrot up my ass, and pretend it was his dick. And I told him I knew he would never like me, that way, but I had to tell him.

Surprisingly, he suggested I should come over to his hotel, later, placing his hotel room card on the edge of the sink right next to me.

"Wait here, I'll have an agent escort you to my room in an hour." He said before leaving. I looked around to see if anyone had noticed, but no one had, so I quickly grabbed the key.

Sure enough, an hour later, a secret service agent escorted me to his hotel. The journey upstairs was unbearable. Reporters to dodge, people for the agent to nod away. By the time I got to Mr. Walz’s room, I was afraid he’d think I wasn’t’ interested, but when I entered the room, he was ready and waiting. The lights were dim, Mr. Walz was in a hotel bathrobe, and he’d ordered porn on the television.

"Is this what you really want?" I asked.

"More then anything." He replied.

I made the first move, leaning in to kiss him and as soon as our lips met, his arms went around me. Quickly, he started unbuttoning my shirt, unzipping my pants, and basically tearing my clothes off as he moved his tongue around inside my mouth. His hand was on my hard dick, feeling and testing the size.

"Oh, yeah." He moaned, as he ran his hand down my tender, sensitive cock before squatting.

With his mouth at my crotch, he ran his tongue up all seven inches, before gently pushing me towards the bed. On the bed, our bodies melded into one. His hard dick was teasing mine, as once again, our tongues found the other's mouth. Hands everywhere, as we hugged and rocked each other. Kissing my way down his chest, I left a trail of saliva all the way to his cock. Taking him in my mouth, I began to suck while I swirled my tongue around his boner before he started thrusting into my throat, making me gag. I guess he got pretty turned on by what I was doing to him as he turned me around and put us into 69 position.

As Mr. Walz took my dick in his mouth, I took his dick in mine. I worked on it with such skill that he began moaning deep inside his throat as he sucked my dick. And he could really suck; he knew how to please a man. I began to feel him starting to breathe rapidly and shake. I knew he was going to explode soon. I was getting close as well.

Wanting Mr. Walz to fuck me, I quickly seperated, and rolled off the bed leaving him laying there completely naked with a huge hard-on. Hurrying to my pants, I pulled a tube of lubrication out of his pocket before I bounded back to the bed. After telling him I wanted him to fuck me, I tensely watched as Mr. Walz applied the lubricate to his cock, knowing the pain I was about to feel. I couldn’t help but thinking back to my high school years when I first saw him. I had always wanted Mr. Walz to fuck me since then. Now was the time.

“You got a nice tight asshole.” Mr. Walz told me as he rubbed some of the KY onto my asshole.

He lifted my legs and stared me straight in the eyes as he guided the head of his cock to my ass. As soon as his dick made contact, he immediately thrust all 8 inches into me. I gasped loudly, so loudly in fact that I’m sure the people in the next room heard.

“I’m going to really open up your asshole.” Mr. Walz called out with a wicked smile on his face as he slowly started fucking me.

Noticing each time the fat head of his cock passed my hard prostate, pre-cum would squirt from the tip of my dick. He reached down and scooped it up with his finger, brought it to his mouth and licked it clean.

"Oh, man, that's good." He said, as he scooped up more, but I pulled his finger to his mouth, and sucked it in.

We smiled at each other before he leaned forward and kissed me deep, our tongues caressed each other, sharing my pre-cum. Then as we kissed he sent his cock plunging deeper into me. I arched my back as I was forced to take more cock deeper into my ass than ever before.

“Yes, fuck me, Mr. Walz.” I found myself saying when he broke our embrace, “Give it to me, Mr. Walz. Make me yours!”

And he did just that. Mr. Walz started fucking me hard and fast. I took each of the strokes of his his old manhood willingly. I wanted to give him total pleasure and I could tell from the far away look in his eye that the old man was as lost in me as I was in him. I knew he was getting close, and I didn’t want to stop him, so I didn’t say a word about pulling out. Having only had sex with his wife for all those years, he didn’t think of it either. Soon he was filling my ass with ropes of cum, and I felt it filling me up.

After we got off and caught our breath, he looked at me and we both started laughing and telling each other how glad we were that we'd just met up today.

[melancholicstation]

FRAT!JACK SCHLOSSBERG SFW AND NSFW HEADCANONS

imagining COLLEGE SWEETHEART!READER who loves the outdoors, is the best in her harvard polo team, is a criterion channel SNOB, spencer hasting's archetype, vacations in miami, aspen, ibiza and saint tropez, is the president of many student clubs, buys hermēs blankets for the dogs kennel blanket and keeps an elegant stack of erotic, cheesy novellas under her .

tags: @obsessedwithjohnjr @candyneckl6ce @rocker-chick-7 @ultr4v1ol3nt @violetharmonsfavgf @strip-weather-forecast @darcyspirits @fortheloveofjos @h-l-v-kennedy-blog @h-l-vlovesvintage @bluelancergirl @snowsgames @salvatoresablondie @dulcegal @kennedyism @bloxholden35 @kimcrystal123 @absurdlyvintage @jackiesgirl @chemicalw0rld @remotewatch @starsprangledgirl

fyi: I have not edited this nor looked over it too closely so if there's spelling/grammar mistakes je m'excuse please!!

you cross each other's paths at institut le rosey in year 13 because you guys are unfortunately wealthy teenagers of highly successful family dynasties so it'd be sacrilegious to go anywhere else... where else would they go to get their educational chops that they can brag about at dinner parties?

super rich kids by frank ocean is both of your respective spotify wrapped no.1 song

you guys don't formally meet until harvard law school

always immediately goes to you for any fraternity parties where they need to be all gussied up for it and whines until you do his makeup... and of course he wants you to use your expensive chanel, byredo, chantecaille make up

jack uses your own la perla thongs as bookmarks to keep track of a certain page in a law textbook when studying at your place cause he left all his stationary at home

when you both found each other you guys were both in your slut era and weren't looking for anything serious

tries to make you beef tartar in the confines of your tiny dorm like this one chick on tiktok does in her bed

after a couple days of not seeing each other jack comes back with little gifts and trinkets cause he has the instinct to gather in his bones, baby!

you both eat like a 17th century king despite being college students

classes were cancelled for a day due to a particularly aggressive blizzard that sought to reek havoc on anyone in its path--or in this instance trying to get to their econ major on time for once so you two are held up in your dorm end up watching 'secretary' (2002), one thing leads to another and you and jack's have ended up recreating this scene except jack is lee... and the saddle is an old hermēs vivace jumping saddle that you got for an early christmas present one year back (something like this) and the carrot is slightly dirty cause its been in your farmers market tote since your last run to whole foods... but you both enjoy it all the same cause you guys are F.R.E.A.K.I.S.H.

he has a very intense samurai sword obsession to the point where his dorm closet holds all the medals he won for the best sword in local competitions... and gets extremely territorial if you want a drawer in his closet cause where are the synthetic fabric medals supposed to go??

always buys you lingerie whenever ssense has a sale

you both buy each other maison margiela shoes for a joint graduation present from law school

you both always have a ritual of buying mint and lavender lemonade at different harvard athletic games

you guys broke up briefly during mid term hell-week and you genuinely observed him re-connecting with nature in the harvard yard to ease his anguish

you guys practice parenthood by adopting a few sylvanian families and putting them in a house

your matching boat n' totes (top: yours bottom: jack)

on holiday break from college you guys go on so many sketchy facebook marketplace hunts to the point where jack films with his phone just for evidence purposes

your dream that makes you crash out over imessage to jack:

NSFW UNDER THIS CUT 🧵✂️

he definitely wears a hat while you guys are fucking making beautiful sensual love

foreplay is stimulating conversations with jack

as foreplay you make jack recreate that one cmbyn timothee chalamet scene with the peach

eroticising studying and giving each other orgasms when you've memorised a topic correctly

two beers at a beer garden and you guys are in each others pants immediately. stat!

they are delicately perverted

he loves giving you some clavicle kisses... like that is his shit!

jack loves to be lightly tapped with the hermēs crop but he'd never admit it what?? who said that??

[kakuvibez]

Hey can you make a eah x twst fic one with apple reader x rook vil and epel

TWST ┃ YANDERE POMEFIORE x APPLE! READER┃M.LIST

Where Apple! Reader find themselves in a boy school as a transfer student,,

Signature spell: CHARMING,, With her powers of charming, [N] Apple can literally hypnotize anyone with her looks to do a good deed. She can also summon any good magical creature or regular animal to aid her.

"There's a lot of pressure when you’re next in line to be "the fairest of them all"

"The most fabulous of them all"

"Let me just say I will preside over this school like I will my future kingdom: perfectly!"

"Well, it's eating that carrot awfully fast! Which will give it a really EVIL tummy ache!"

"True Hearts Day! Aren't you just totally excited? It used to be such an important day on the Royal Calender. Ah, love. Finding our pre-determined princes."

Being the fairest wasn’t just about beauty—it was about perfection.

And at Night Raven College, you were perfection personified.

The moment you stepped into Night Raven College, it was clear that you were special.

Your beauty, your charm—everything about you demanded attention. And the students of Pomefiore took notice immediately.

With your dazzling looks, regal presence, and signature spell Charming, you could effortlessly sway even the most stubborn of hearts to do good. But here, in Pomefiore, that perfection came at a cost.

Vil was the first to claim you.

Vil had expectations. You were to embody grace, discipline, and refinement in every aspect. There was no room for failure.

"You must always look your best," he’d murmur, running a critical eye over your outfit, adjusting a stray strand of hair. "After all, perfection is expected of someone like you."

Rook? He adored you in his own unsettling way. Every move you made, every word you spoke—he was there, watching, admiring, whispering about your beauty like an artist enchanted by his muse.

Rook was more… poetic in his obsession.

"Ah, mon trésor, you are like a golden apple glistening in the sunlight!" His eyes would glimmer with admiration, always watching. Always knowing where you were. "I must keep you safe from any who wish to tarnish your splendor."

And Epel? He was different. He didn’t want to be captivated by you, but he was. No matter how hard he tried to act tough, one glance from you, one sweet request, and he was completely under your spell. He wasn’t as direct as the others, but his grip on your wrist would tighten whenever another student tried to talk to you. "Why do you even need to talk to them?" he’d grumble. "Aren’t we enough?"

But being the fairest meant more than just admiration.

It meant you belonged to Pomefiore.

And they were never letting you go.

---

"Perfection isn’t an option. It’s a requirement."

Your reflection shimmered in the grand mirror of Pomefiore’s dorm, Vil standing behind you with a critical gaze.

"Chin up. Shoulders back," he instructed. "A queen does not slouch."

You obeyed instinctively. Years of royal training had made it second nature, but there was something different about Vil’s expectations. More… rigid.

"Remember, dear," he murmured, brushing a strand of hair behind your ear. "You are the fairest of them all. You must act accordingly."

Behind him, Rook sighed dreamily. "Ah, ma belle étoile, you shine like the dawn itself!"

You offered a polite smile, but inside, your stomach twisted.

Epel, standing by the door, frowned. "Ain’t like they’re some kinda doll," he muttered, crossing his arms. But even he couldn’t meet your eyes directly. Not when he knew one glance would have him melting into obedience.

Vil’s gaze sharpened. "Epel."

The boy flinched.

"Mind your manners," Vil warned before turning back to you. His violet eyes softened just slightly. "You belong here, [Name]. You wouldn’t want to disappoint us, would you?"

The way he said it—so sweet, so gentle—sent shivers down your spine.

No. You couldn’t disappoint them.

Not when perfection was the only thing keeping you safe.

Being the fairest in Pomefiore wasn’t a privilege—it was a cage, an expectation that you set yourself to be. Vil molded you into his ideal of beauty, Rook worshiped you like a divine being, and Epel—despite his protests—was drawn to you in ways he didn’t understand.

---

"You’re spending too much time outside Pomefiore," Vil’s voice was silky but firm, his violet eyes narrowing. "That is unacceptable."

"I was just talking to—" Your sweet voice tried to explain but was intruped

Vil held up a perfectly manicured hand. "Enough. You belong here, with us."

Rook chuckled from the doorway, his green eyes gleaming. "Oui, oui~! The fairest of them all should not waste her time with peasants!"

You swallowed. "I-I don’t think—" as you fix your crown as a nervous habit.

Epel stepped forward, his lips set in a stubborn pout. "It’s better this way. Just stay with us. You don’t need anyone else." The heavy perfume of Pomefiore’s halls suddenly felt suffocating.

You tried to turn away, to run or just hide from the wrong smell, but Rook was already behind you, his hands resting lightly on your shoulders.

"Now, now, mon amour," he whispered. "There’s no need to be afraid." You cover your nose as the smell got stronger.

Vil’s fingers traced your cheek, his touch deceptively gentle. "You should be grateful, dear. We’re simply ensuring that you remain… perfect."

You felt your stomach drop. This wasn’t love. You didn't know about love, but you knew whatever this was, it wasn't it. You felt Epel's hands gripping your waist. And no matter how much you struggled, their grip on you would never loosen.

After all—who would let a perfect apple rot in someone else’s hands?

---

Vil Schoenheit

- "Imperfection is unacceptable. If you falter, I will correct you."

- "A ruler must be flawless. I will shape you into the queen you were meant to be."

- "You are the fairest of them all. But only because I allow it."

- "Perfection must be maintained. And you, my dear, are too precious to let anyone ruin you."

- "If you think you can escape me, you clearly don’t understand how this world works."

- "A diamond like you belongs in my crown. Nowhere else."

Rook Hunt

- "No one shall harm you, ma chérie. Not when I am always watching~"

- "Ah, how exquisite! Your beauty, your grace—I must capture this moment forever!"

- "You cannot escape the eyes of a hunter, my dear apple. And I am the greatest of them all."

- "Ah~ mon trésor! No matter where you run, my eyes will always find you!"

- "You shine brighter than any star! It is my duty to keep such radiance untouched by unworthy hands!"

- "Ah, but you do love us, don’t you? After all, we only want what is best for you!"

Epel Felmier

- "I ain’t under your spell! I’m not—!... Okay, maybe a little, but that ain't fair!"

- "Vil says I gotta protect ya. Like you even need protection when ya can make anyone do whatever ya want..."

- "Tch… why do ya have to be so… so damn mesmerizing?"

- "I hate when others look at you. Makes me wanna break somethin’."

- "You don’t need those guys. You’ve got us. That’s enough."

- "If they think they can take you from us, they’ve got another thing coming."

You may be the fairest of them all… but in Pomefiore, beauty is owned. You are their prized possession, their treasured jewel, and they will never let you go.

You were their crown jewel.

And a jewel like you?

Could never be stolen away.

After all, a perfect apple… must never fall into the wrong hands.

[bootleg-nessie]

Things that will happen in the future (based on my own experiences with time travel):

***FAQs at the end***

*All of these observations are copied directly from my notes in roughly the order I took them in

*Don’t ask about the interchanging use of past/present/future tense, you know how that stuff is with time travel

Women just started all growing three boobs instead of two. Scientists baffled

Genetically engineered catboys (no literally)

The great pyramid of Giza has been converted into a Bass Pro Shop

The entire state of Rhode Island was bought by some rich tech CEO who promptly dug a 500 foot wide trench around the entire state so that it could in fact be an island. It was soon converted into the world’s largest parking lot

Pollution has gotten so bad that fresh oxygen is now delivered straight to most homes via a subscription service

Basic necessities such as food, water, and housing are now provided for free by the government, but only for the top 1% of wealth holders

Insulin now costs twice as much as rent. “Get fucked,” say pharma companies

92.6% of new electronic appliances now have smartphone integration and require a monthly subscription to use

Most billionaires have real estate on earth’s moon

As an ongoing film experiment, Taika Waititi successfully convinced a Nebraska man that he’s been raptured and is now in heaven. He actually got Truman Show’d and now millions of viewers tune in every week to watch God (played by John DiMaggio) manipulate Robert into confronting his own views, battle cognitive dissonance, and face the realization that he might not have been as good of a person on Earth as he thought he was

Carrots have gone extinct, as have highland cows

Species of extinct animals and plants now are being posthumously renamed after the billionaires and elites most directly responsible for killing then off

Researchers discovered a sentient colony of fungus off the coast of Chile, it prefers to go by Fleebo and appears to have a incredibly complex intelligence far greater than any other observed organic being

Nobody knows where Ireland went. It literally just disappeared off the face of the earth one day and nobody bothered to question it. The story couldn’t compete in the news cycle with the recent news about a company in China that made the first real life pokemon. An entire civilization of people gone and I’m the only one who seems to remember it or even care

Fleebo and its offspring have annexed Madagascar and are threatening any retaliation with nuclear warfare and “making The Last of Us a reality.” Nobody knows if Fleebo actually has the capabilities to do this, but after the Lovecraft incident we’re all TOO goddam scared to fuck around and find out

Large snails have replaced cats and dogs as the most common household pet. Snail culture has largely taken over the world, especially Japan

The president of the United States is now decided with an oiled up twerking competition. Most people were hesitant at first but this has produced vastly more competent leaders so now everyone just kinda goes along with it

With the cost of living crisis only worsening with time, selling tattoo space on your body to advertisers has become common as people struggle to afford rent and pay their bills

North and South Korea have reunited into “Korea 2.0”

Germany has split up into East and West Germany again

Belgium and France have been annexed by West Germany and renamed “Wester Germany” and “Westest Germany” respectively

The entirety of Florida is now underwater. Most of Kansas is too for some reason that scientists refuse to explain because they’ve “sworn an oath to the eldritch gods” and that “much worse things would happen” if they did

The melting ice caps in Antarctica unveiled a lost civilization of intelligent creatures descended from a species of lungfish, predating human civilization by millions of years. They planned on hibernating for another 10-15 million years to observe the course of evolution on Earth and are very very angry at humans for waking them up prematurely and ruining all of that with global warming

The politically correct term for lungfish people is “Dipnoid” but most people refer to them by a variety of slurs, such as “finwalker” and “kelp muncher” (not that they even eat kelp)

The Great Pacific Garbage Patch has now increased to nearly half the size of what was formerly known as Canada and has been colonized entirely by pirates (the flag is actually pretty cool). The pirate nation has the 17th largest economy in the world and is projected to surpass the United States in GDP

Africa is about 2% smaller. Nobody knows why. Most people point to Fleebo, who denies having any involvement

All human-Dipnoid interaction was promptly banned by most world governments, except for the GPGPRP (Great Pacific Garbage Patch Republic of Pirates), whom the Dipnoids rely upon extensively for trade

Scientists have used DNA from fossils to recreate other species of humans. We now live alongside them like we did for thousands of years before everyone besides Homo sapiens went extinct. Racism is at an all time high

Class C and above robots are now legally recognized by most progressive countries as people

The United States government has been exposed for secretly funneling billions of dollars into the GPGPRP and using it to fund terrorist operations all over the world.

A new major religion revolving around Dave Grohl has skyrocketed in popularity. Grohilsm is now the world’s largest religion, second only to Fleeboism

Scientists discovered a new continent in the Pacific Ocean, and then promptly lost it again. Most people are convinced this was just an elaborate practical joke, but scientists “swear it definitely happened”

For a brief period of about 30 years, everything in George Orwell’s 1984 happened almost exactly as written in the book. Literally 1984

It was revealed that Jeff Epstein didn’t kill himself. He actually faked his death and spent the next few years in a drug-fueled episode of psychosis making sock puppets in a cave in Italy and then molesting said sock puppets until he died from a sock puppet related illness

Bigfoot was discovered off the coast of Georgia doing cocaine with a congregation of alligators. When questioned, he said he normally lives in Montana and was only there on vacation. He is now a celebrity, and has been featured in a number of tv shows and films, two of which he won an Oscar for. Last I checked, he was a washed up actor living in Hollywood with a reanimated Neanderthal woman

The GPGPRP raided most of England’s museums with the object of “doing exactly what they did for the last few centuries” England was understandably furious, but the rest of the world found it rather amusing

England declared war on the GPGPRP, which it promptly lost after hackers brought down the entire country’s military overnight. Much like in the 21st century, England is the world’s laughing stock

The entirety of Luxembourg relocated itself to the moon

Russia attempted to take over most of Eurasia. In retaliation to the full global effort to stop them, they launched nukes at the world’s 600 most populous cities outside of its current territory. Most of the warheads were stopped in time, but a few major metropolitan areas got hit pretty badly, including Los Angeles, Hong Kong, Chengdu, Mexico City, and Istanbul. Japan was understandably super pissed that Hiroshima and Nagasaki got nuked for a second time

In the wake of the nuclear holocaust, Canada assumed control over what was formerly Russia and assimilated many of its citizens and leaders into its own society and government. Under the new rule of formerly Russian leaders, Canada became a puppet state for the second coming of Russia. It annexed much of the United States, Mongolia, China, and a handful of other countries, becoming “the world’s first megacountry.” Crungolaska now controls a majority of the northern hemisphere

As part of a practical joke by Adam Sandler, Tom Hanks was actually marooned on a desert island like in Castaway. He lasted less than a week before he died. When I left this era of the future, Adam Sandler was serving a lifetime sentence in prison for murder

Fringe groups of crows with above-average intelligence have started popping up around the world. So far they have been observed forming small communities, crafting relatively complex tools, using rudimentary speech, performing rituals, and creating music

Aliens visited earth and had a formal meeting with many of our world leaders, but decided to leave us alone for a few thousand more years because humanity is “not yet mature enough to handle the responsibilities of interstellar travel.” They have incentivized us with a the blueprints for an Alcubierre Drive and a means to produce the exotic matter to fuel it once they deem us as being ready

The original colony of settlers on Mars has declared independence, officially becoming the first country not on Earth

We sent Tom Cruise back to space but this time we just left him there

The tether for the space elevator broke. The town known as Vatorville, famous for being the location of the takeoff point of the elevator shuttle on Earth, was completely decimated as tens of thousands of miles of steel cable came crashing back down. There were no survivors

Most people in first and second world countries have mandatory microchip implants that serve as a personal ID

Last Thursdayism has been largely denounced by quantum physicists. Current theories now revolve around “Next Thursdayism,” the belief that the entire universe was created in the future and that we all exist as a memory in the past

Synthetic organ farms for transplants and research have become a massive industry worth billions of dollars. However, there is still a huge black market for organically grown human organs, as they’re much cheaper to acquire and aren’t taxed at the exorbitant rates that lab-grown organs are

China dug a hole all the way to the center of the Earth. Turns out it’s hollow and there are people living inside. Who knew?

A university reconstructed the entire city of Rome as it was in its early days during the Roman Empire. It’s actually pretty historically accurate, except for the fact that there’s a lot less sex because it’s run by a bunch of sweaty history nerds

After Rome 2 resulted in the creation of a cult revolving around the Roman god of the dead that gained traction as a minor religion, Pluto was officially reinstated as a planet by NASA when cultists picketed their headquarters every day for nearly 3 years straight. “Fine, we’ll give these fucking virgins what they want so they’ll finally shut the hell up,” said NASA’s administrator in chief

In a display of the biotechnical prowess of Disney’s Imagineers, all the animatronics in Disney’s Hall of Presidents were replaced with clones of the originals, which went about exactly as well as you’d expect. After reports of the presidents hurling a series of racial slurs and other obscenities at the first black family to enter surfaced, the project was shut down almost immediately after it had opened. Minority admission to Magic Kingdom plummeted to 2.3% of its numbers from the previous year, making it the second whitest place on earth after a taylor swift concert

Plastic now makes up about 3% of every organism on earth by weight

Public officials are now required by law to take shrooms before running for office

Trees are considered a rare and highly sought after commodity, and are usually only owned by public institutions and the rich (the vast majority of oxygen farms use algae to produce oxygen)

FAQs:

FAQ: What time period(s) did you go to?

A: I have no fucking clue. The world stopped using the Gregorian calendar in 2063 after a gamma ray burst hit the sun. The GRB led to stellar ablation, which changed the length of a year on Earth. The sun would continue to lose mass at an accelerated rate for several more years, with the length of the year changing slightly from year to year. The world adopted a variety of different calendars which kept being updated frequently and were often super confusing and contradictory. I traveled to about a dozen different points in time, which based on my best estimates spanned within a few millennia of the current date.

FAQ: How did you obtain a time machine?

A: I think it was the 17th or 18th of June, 2055? That night, a large sci-fi looking box thingy roughly the size of a VW Bus appeared a few hundred yards away in the open field in front of my house. I tried to take a picture of the box, but for some reason the closer I got, the more the image on my camera started to become fuzzy, and by the time I got close enough to take a decent picture, the camera had stopped working altogether. I pulled open a door to reveal a corpse inside that was charred beyond recognition, who appeared to have suffocated and/or burned to death during a fire that damaged most of the interior. I also noticed a number of strange tumors and growths on the body. I pressed a random button on the remains of what I believed to be a control panel, expecting nothing to happen, but the door closed automatically and I suddenly lost consciousness. When I came to, I exited the box, expecting to still be in the field in front of my house, but instead found myself a ways outside of a small snowy village that based on my best estimates, was somewhere in northern Asia around 2-3 thousand years ago. The villagers started coming after me with spears, so I quickly ran back to the box and pressed another button, hoping it would return me to from whence I came. This time, the people I found (who were thankfully much nicer and spoke a dialect of English that I could mostly understand) told me that it was the year 506 of the PGRB-Δ4 calendar (the calendar that the United Territories was using at the time). I repeated this maybe a dozen more times trying to get home until I landed in 2023, which as far as I could tell, was the closest I had gotten back to my original time so far. It was at this point that I decided to stay and seek medical attention, as I was rather concerned about some nasty new growths on my arms and legs similar to that which I had seen on the corpse.

FAQ: Where is the time machine now?

A: No idea. It disappeared a few days after I landed in 2023. My best guess is that some poor sap found it and ended up sometime else.

(I never ask for likes/reblogs but I literally spent fucking WEEKS on this one so if you liked it pls show me some love <3)

[foxgirlmoth]

Okay, lets go through this apparent list of positives that Biden is in favor of.

Trans Rights: There have been multiple laws within states to fully close off especially trans kids rights to medical treatments and more. This is extremely current. Biden puts in minimal effort to look like he's doing anything at all for trans and queer rights, and there haven't really been any efforts aside from doing one or two proposals that immediately get shot down, and he's more than okay with that, hence why there's no longer really any push for this shit still. If you're trans, you can't piss in Utah without the risk of getting a fine right now. Even though these are state laws, the fact that there's been nearly zero effort federally to address this besides the title IX rule, speaks a lot about priorities in this area.

Abortion Access: Are we just forgetting the whole Roe V Wade getting overturned thing that happened in 2022? Are you really trying to say that this is good for abortion access? Abortion access has gotten actively worse.

Environmental Reform: Biden has endorsed extreme oil drilling projects and in general oil companies still love him! Not to mention the train crashes which we'll get to later.

Healthcare Reform: Covid-19 is still around and is sadly predicted to stay around for a long while. Healthcare is still private and a competitive field in the US and that causes major issues as well. If you look this up, you see articles titled along the lines of "Biden has lowered the cost of insurance" and meanwhile it just dropped in 2020 once during the pandemic but has been growing in cost.

Prescription Reform: Reading into this, not much has changed, which isn't surprising under genocide Joe. Drugs in the US are still higher than anywhere else in the world, and with healthcare issues still abundant, this is still a big issue.

Student Loan Forgiveness: Student debt is still extremely high in the US, and while Biden has rolled out some plans for forgiveness, it's a fraction of the debt, and he primarily uses the whole thing to win over swing states. This is a dangling carrot that provides very little overall.

Infrastructure Funding: Train crashes from 2020-present, worldwide, but notice the amount of US crashes! Neat! Quite literally just look up train crashes in the US during his presidency, there's too many to link here. It is also important to remember that Biden signed a bill to prevent rail strikes, preventing a lot of pressure to the government and the economy, which would have been a GOOD THING. Seriously, this guy has fucked up our environment and our rights in multiple ways.

Advocating Racial Equity: Structural racism within the US is still a huge problem, Biden hasn't addressed much. Also people are still in cages on the Mexico/US border (Which has been maintained by every president in office since it was established), with a very recent crackdown on the border.

Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion: Just. Look at the racial equity and trans rights sections above. Biden does the bare minimum, loves focusing on swing states, and all around uses the ol' carrot on a stick.

Vaccines and Public Health: Once again look above at sections on healthcare, abortion access, and prescription reform. Its bad. Remember how Covid-19 vaccines aren't being continued for free?

Criminal Justice Reform: This is just structural slavery still. Disproportionate amounts of black people are incarcerated, police are still heavily funded under Biden. He does not care about reforming the justice system, he even supports cops breaking up campus protests! Cool!

Military Support for Israel: Yup! Both sides suck! Biden has a very long history of sure hating Arabic countries though! He's done nothing but ship weapons and participate in the genocide of Palestinian people. Would Trump also do this? Yes. Does this mean this is an issue you should just drop and call a non-issue? No, what the hell are you talking about.

Israel/Hamas Ceasefire: Netanyahu has no plans to accept any actual ceasefire, yet Biden still provides weapons and support. Wow! That sure is weird? I wonder if Biden really cares about a ceasefire or how he just looks publicly.

Biden is not a good president, much less a good human being. You provided such a flimsy chart with zero resources or support behind you, and it just feels like people are just making shit up at this point. Get your heads out of the liberal cesspool you grew up in.

[whygalaxy]

Poor bunny in a golden cage

♡⃕ Relationship} Yandere! Abusive! C!Quackity x Bunny Hybrid! Fem! Reader

♡⃕ Summary} "Quackity was obsessed with you. Your greedy parents beat you to him… What could go wrong?"

♡⃕ TW.} Abusive relationship; Mention of abuse (Physical and Psychological); Non Con explicit; Choking; Sadism; threats; Your parents being jerks; Quackity being extremely abusive; False imprisonment; Mention of stalker; possessive; Dacryphilia; Rough sex; dumbfication; Mild Stockholm syndrome; Mild Size Kink.

♡⃕ Notes} English is not my first language, there may be mistakes. I'm sorry for anything. Not reviewed (Please, it's two in the morning)

This fanfic may not be suitable for sensitive people

You and your parents, a small family of hybrid bunnys, move to Las Nevadas, hoping to find a better living condition. Your parents were constantly arguing recently, as they were poor and wanted to find a new way to earn money.

You sold some carrot cupcakes that you made, in the poorest part of Luxurious City, but it didn't bring in as much profit as your parents would have liked - “300 Dollars a month is a pittance! You can’t buy anything!” Your father screamed, invalidating all your efforts.

୭  🩹 ✧ ˚.  ᵎᵎ  🩸

It was a silent night, and you were here, trying to sell at least half of your carrot cupcakes. You could hear some laughter in the distance, you look around, finding two silhouettes walking towards you.

They keep walking, walking straight past you. "Hang on!" You shout. The men turn to look at you, they were both wearing luxurious clothes, they didn't look like they were from here… The man with long black hair caught your attention.

“W-Wouldn’t you guys.. want to buy a carrot cupcake?… it’s only 10 dollars…” You stutter shyly, looking down, your ears flat against your head. The smaller one seemed excited, dirty with green goo. He runs to the stall, grabs one and quickly hands over the money. He takes a bite, savoring the flavor - “it’s very good, Mrs. Bunny!” He says, sounding like a child, you laugh, finding him adorable.

You could feel the other man's gaze on you, you look at him from the corner of your eye. He had a strange gleam in his eyes… Almost… Scary…

The small man waves at you, walking away. The taller man looked at you for a moment longer, before turning and walking away, without saying a word.

୭  🩹 ✧ ˚.  ᵎᵎ  🩸

It's been a week since you saw the strange man. Your parents were fighting more and more, and this time, they were cursing you too, saying how useless you were and how you didn't make money for them.

But one day… You come home after a long day of selling cupcakes, your parents were strangely quiet… no fighting…

You see them sitting on the couch, a big smile on their faces. How strange… “Honey! My lovely girl!” Your mother says, getting up to hug you, you thought this was strange, your parents weren't that affectionate… Your father gets up too, hugging you - “You will bring great profit to our family!” he says with an awkward smile.

You were confused, I didn't understand what was happening. What were they referring to? You look at both of them confused - “W-What’s going on?…” You ask, completely confused by the situation.

“The President liked you! Then we sell you for 1.5 million!” His mother screams in joy, making his eyes widen. They… Sold you?! What do you mean, how was that possible? They were your parents, they were supposed to love you, not discard you. You could feel your eyes filling with tears.

“I-I… I can’t accept this… I…” You say, trying to move away. But your parents stop you, they couldn't let your merchandise go out like that. Your mother grabs a glass of water, you were too shaken to notice anything. “Drink, darling.. it will help you” She says, handing you the glass, helping you sit on the couch. You drink, but you feel strangely drowsy, your eyes meeting a black blur, and then you collapse onto the couch.

୭  🩹 ✧ ˚.  ᵎᵎ  🩸

You wake up lying down in a comfortable place, your eyes were still blurry, but they quickly adjusted to the light of the place. You sit up, realizing you were on a bed, you look around the room. It was an extremely luxurious room, with shades of gold and red, your eyes widen and shine at the luxurious place you had never seen before.

The room seemed to have some childish tones, with some pink and white touches scattered throughout the room, the bed was full of stuffed animals, mainly rabbits. You get out of bed, trying to explore the room. But as soon as you stand up and take two steps forward, you fall onto the fluffy rug that surrounded the bed. It felt like something was making it impossible for you to walk freely.

You turn around to look at what had made you fall. Your eyes widened, a chain stuck around your ankle, maybe it was the drugs that were in your drink, but you hadn't noticed it before, and it was pretty tight apparently…

You get up, sit on the bed, staring at the big door that was in front of it, your ears pressed against your head, waiting for something to happen… Suddenly, the door opens, your ears quickly perk up.

Your eyes widened when you saw who it was. It was the strange man from that day… Wait, he was the president of this country? He walks up to you, a smile on his face, highlighting the gold tooth he had. You pull away, bumping into the headboard in the process.

He sits on the bed, next to you. He reaches out to caress your cheek, with a gentle smile on his face - “My little bunny… so adorable… you're mine now” He says, his face getting closer to yours, you could feel his breath.

After your first meeting, Quackity felt strangely attracted to you. A shy, small, adorable little thing. So sweet and submissive…it seemed extremely fun to break you.

Quackity chased you for that week, and the more and more he found out about you… the more obsessed he was.

Now you were in this place, totally trapped with this maniac… you didn't know what he had in store for you, and you were afraid of it.

He pulls you closer, stroking your hair. You could hear him whisper - “So beautiful… So small… So… mine”

୭  🩹 ✧ ˚.  ᵎᵎ  🩸

One month… one month you were with this maniac, and the feeling was the same as being in hell.

Cuts and purple marks spread all over your body, Quackity took out all his anger on you. He would hit you and cut you, just for his sadistic pleasure, he loved seeing you crying and screaming. Watching you break down little by little, only to become an empty mind completely submissive to him.

It was currently almost two in the morning, the ticking clock noise could be heard. You were trying to sleep but you couldn't, you had a feeling something bad was going to happen… You were currently lying in bed, wearing only a Quackity shirt that was much bigger than you.

Suddenly, the door opens, revealing Quackity. His white blouse had the first three buttons open, his tie was untied. You could smell alcohol and cigarettes coming from him.

He walks towards you, crooked steps indicating he was drunk. You look at him, completely scared, not knowing what he could do to you, trying to move away, but the chain on your ankle stopped you from going that far.

He sits on the bed, grabbing your wrist and pulling you closer to him, your head against his chest. You could feel him smelling your hair - “So sweet…” He whispers in his slightly drunken tone of voice.

You could feel their hands moving over your body. You let out a slight scream when you feel their hands squeezing your ass, you try to move away. He wouldn't do that to you… would he?

He spanks your ass - “Be quiet, be a good girl and accept this. I don’t want to hurt you” His tone of voice was threatening, you were shaking with fear. He pushes you, laying you down on the bed.

He lifts your big shirt that you were wearing, exposing your small breasts, he smiles… You were so cute. He bends down, taking one nipple into his mouth, starting to suck while playing with the other. You moan as his tongue grazes your hard nipple. You scream when you feel him bite your nipple hard, causing tears to run down your eyes.

You could feel him smile, you try to stay quiet, knowing that if you stayed quiet, it would be less worse. He leaves hickey marks on his chest, red and that would probably turn purple later. He forcefully opens your legs, ripping off your panties, clearly out of patience.

He lets out an irritated sigh when he feels that you're not wet for him at all - “I can't believe you're going to make me do this…” He says in a growl. You start to moan softly when you feel his thumb start to rub your clit, and soon one of his fingers enters you, preparing you for his cock.

He was out of patience, trying to finish this as quickly as possible so he could get his cock inside you. One finger soon becomes two, two fingers soon become three. His pace was relentless, you could feel yourself getting closer and closer. You were extremely sensitive, the stimulation on your clit combined with the relentless rhythm of his fingers inside you dragged you closer and closer to your limit.

You scream as you cum, your juices running down his fingers. He smiles, removing his fingers from inside you, taking them to his mouth to taste your juices - “So sweet… So sensitive…” He whispers, starting to take off his clothes. He completely unbuttons his white shirt, the red tie at the sides, he pulls his pants and underwear down. His hard cock springs out, its reddened tip oozing precum.

Your eyes widened, heavens… He was big! He holds your hips tightly, positioning his cock in front of your throbbing entrance. You scream as he thrusts inside you, even though you were prepared, it still hurt.

You cry as he pushes his cock all the way inside you, the tip hitting your cervix. He at least had the decency to wait for you to adjust. But soon he starts moving, his pace is never slow, but strong and fast. Hitting your cervix hard, leaving it bruised.

You screamed with each thrust, tears streaming down your rosy cheeks. You hated yourself for this, hated yourself for enjoying this. You scream too loudly when his tip hits your G-spot, making you cum hard. He laughs, laughs at how pathetic you are.

He reaches out with both hands, his big hands wrap around your small neck, squeezing lightly. You wrap your small hands around his wrist. trying to push him away? or pull him closer? you don't know anymore.

He continued to fuck you hard, making you more and more stupid. His thrusts soon began to become sloppy, indicating that he was getting closer as well. He soon stops brutally, his grip on your neck tightens, leaving you gasping for air, your nails scratching his wrists as he fills you with hot cum.

You cum again, squeezing his cock as your pussy sucks up his cum. He soon lets go of your neck, red handprints around your neck as you start to breathe again. He pulls his soft cock out of you, laying down next to you as he pulls you closer.

He kisses your forehead and lips, smelling your hair - “My bunny… My good girl… My everything… Mine, just mine..." He says breathlessly, hugging you tightly as he started to sleep. You sit there thinking, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be a good girl for him… In this beautiful luxurious room, like a golden cage…

<3

[trinitvii-r]

VP Squared - First Class Impressions

prologue | part i

(ffvii x reader

Genesis should’ve known anyone who got on well with Rufus Shinra would be a load of trouble. Sephiroth thinks it’s a funny turn of events that his friend is the one experiencing stress, rather than causing it.

Angeal’s just happy to be there, really.)

“Dibs,” is the first thing out of Genesis’ mouth as he walks into the conference room.

You know he was referring to you, but you don’t even spare him a glance before returning to your conversation with Rufus… to make it clear to everyone in the room that your VP is and will remain your main priority.

Behind the silly little red-coat-wearing-in-the-middle-of-damn-July man, Angeal looks rightfully embarrassed and is trying to drag the man away. Sephiroth chooses to ignore them both, and makes for his usual seat.

Undeterred, Genesis walks closer to you and stretches out his arm, pointer finger raised straight at you. “Dibs,” he repeats.

You and Rufus share a look for no longer than a second, and your VP immediately understands. He has an amused look on his face as he says, “Go ahead.”

You no longer mask the annoyance you feel as you spit out the words, “Piss off.”

Genesis squeaks out, “I— beg your pardon?!”

You turn away from him, and focus your attention to Rufus once more.

The blonde flicks you on the nose, and laughs at the pinched expression you make. “I would’ve thought you’d say the more colorful word.” Translation: I was hoping you’d say the more colorful word.

You fiddle with your cup of coffee, making a point to keep Genesis hanging, knowing damn well he’s still hovering. “I thought it may offend his delicate sensibilities.” Translation: You know what I mean.

Rufus snorts. As you drink your coffee, Rufus looks up at Genesis, and explains, “They just called you a little bitch.”

You may not have SOLDIER senses, but you swear you hear Sephiroth choke on his spit.

With a mild tone, you reprimand Rufus. “I said I think he’s a wuss.”

“Creative license.”

In unison, the two of you couldn’t resist to snicker. A sight that oddly further aggravates Genesis.

The Commander bites, “That’s it! Newbie, I’m gonna have a lot of fun breaking you in.”

Excuse me?

As you rake your eyes over Genesis’s form, you hear a voice somewhere else in the room ask, “Should I call Human Resources?”

Genesis looks half-murderous, and half-flirtatious as he smirks down at you.

You give him a cheshire grin and say, “Do your worst, Carrot-top.”

Sephiroth absolutely loses it.

Or at least by Sephiroth standards. The man is chuckling, and you could see his shoulders shake as he tries to rein in his mirth.

You pop him a finger gun à la Reno, and cheekily say, “Excited to work with you, General.”

Both Genesis and Angeal drop their mouths open in shock when Sephiroth gives a lazy mock salute, and says, “The feeling is mutual, rookie.”

You turn to Angeal, and give him a wink. “Same goes for you, Commander Hewley.”

A flustered Angeal murmurs, “Thanks. I’ll do my best.”

Genesis should have known you’d have no nice sentiments to spare for him. And he’s proven right when all he gets is a lousy, “You can drop dead for all I care, Red.”

Sephiroth excuses himself, and you could vaguely hear a deep laughter resounding in the hallway.

This is the scene President Shinra walks into, and he looks completely defeated. A triumphant grin forms on Rufus’ face.

All your posturing from earlier morning seems to have faded away, and now Genesis finds himself the sole subject of your attention. He gulps as you stare up at him with wide eyes, an almost enamored expression just for him… or at least his fireballs.

“That was so sick.”

Turning his nose up at you, and in a pathetic effort to hide the red dusting his cheeks, he answers, “What a crude way to address my talent.”

He’s surprised when you don’t respond with some quip. Instead, you whine, “C’mon, man. I’ve never even said that about Rufus with his guns.”

Filing away that tidbit about the Shinra brat, Genesis couldn’t help the giddiness he feels at your words. Not the words he would have preferred, but the sentiment certainly was there. Close enough. If throwing fireballs at dummies was what earned him your respect and admiration, then that’s what he’d do.

A part of him is terrified at his outright sense of urgency to impress you. He brushes the thought away when you grab onto his coat sleeve, and beg, “Please teach me, dude.”

Again, not his choice of words, but for now, dude will have to do.

“Rhapsodos, move! You’re blocking the view.”

The mood is instantly killed by the Shinra brat.

It starts off like this.

News gets passed around that you were assigned the Rufus babysitting gig.

Hand in hand with that, news gets passed around that you somehow made it into the SOLDIER program.

Along with that, the fact you threatened Heidegger with a knife. (A velocity edit of the security feed of the moment is the top retweeted and liked tweet of the day. A bubbly filter AMV of Rufus lowering your knife for you is second.)

It only gets weirder from there.

Sephiroth’s, Angeal’s, and Genesis’s fanclubs have wildly varying takes on what happened in the meeting. Ranging from funny — You apparently had some top secret Turks-esque information that Genesis’ beautiful auburn hair was actually dyed from a bright orange that he had always been self-conscious of, and that you had called him by a mean nickname (Carrot-top) that kids in his village used to bully him with, and ended with Genesis bursting into tears. — to oddly conspiratorial — You were investigating reactors with the Turks when you fell into a vat of pure mako, and that President Shinra had decided to officially make you SOLDIER as a coverup for the fuck-up. You apparently became so powerful that you were named Sephiroth’s Lieutenant General, and that had made Genesis cry.

Genesis being reduced to tears seems to be the thread holding all these rumors together.

By lunchtime, everyone and their mother had their own theories on The Situation.

Which was why Cadet Cloud Strife had to do a double take when he saw you following after Genesis Rhapsodos, followed by Rufus Shinra following after you, and Sephiroth following after Rufus Shinra.

What.

Cloud nearly dropped his soup in surprise.

As you passed, he could barely make out the words, “again” and “just one more.”

And if Cloud knew anything about the Shinra rumor mill, it’s that they would take those words and lewdly misinterpret them. He could already hear Janice from Accounting typing loudly on her phone. Great. He wouldn’t need to open his inbox to know he’d see yet another wildly smutty Genesis fan fiction disguised as a newsletter.

Screw Zack for signing him up for those fanclubs.

Even before you leave the canteen, the winning theory is that you and Genesis enter into a whirlwind romance burning hot like the fireballs he flings onto unsuspecting targets, but alas you are a free spirit who refuses to be tied down. This theory also ends with Genesis in tears.

Cloud notes with a hint of amusement that the sight of you stacking up your and Rufus’s plates and neatly disposing of the trash is the most babysitter-like thing you’ve done all day. You even clean up for Sephiroth who reacts with a slack jaw and the most bewildered expression, and Genesis who stares at you as though you’ve just told him the secrets of the universe. The redhead could almost be described as swooning when he thanks you profusely.

You simply look at the man as if he had grown two heads. After a beat, you smirk. “Alright, hot stuff. Take it easy for the rest of the day, yeah?” You nod subtly at Rufus, who takes it as his cue to stand up, and says his farewells to the other two.

As the two of you make your way out the canteen, this bit of conversation once again throws everyone into a frenzy:

“Still think he’s a wuss?”

“Yeah, but not when he’s swinging that thing around.”

That thing in question was fireballs, but the rest of Shinra didn’t know that.

Definitely not it.

Anything but that.

When Lazard the Bastard told you you’d have to pay your dues as the newest SOLDIER, you did not expect it to be that.

“Well, what did you expect? The rest of them were cadets first. I can’t just hand everything to you.”

You tried the Rufus excuse, but Lazard brushes off your concerns. “I can assign a First on him for a couple hours.”

Like he heard you, Rufus looks up from his phone, and gives you a nod and a smile.

Gods. Right when you wanted Rufus to be a brat and demand his way, suddenly now he’s all goody.

With a scowl, you tell Lazard, “Let’s get this over with.”

Blood everywhere.

Gross.

Oh, and Angeal’s here too.

Nice.

“What’s up?”

Angeal had to admit. For someone who’s elbows deep into cleaning bloody blades, you sure had a draw to you as you hum some kind of melody. He wordlessly sits next to you, and wipes down the first weapon he could get his hands on.

A half hour later, he gets the feeling that you’ve got quite the mouth on you. Though, he’s seen you behave more casually with the other Turks plenty of times, and sometimes with Rufus himself, it’s a bit jarring to be on the receiving end of it.

“—Not gonna lie — but don’t you dare tell anyone else — if Rufus didn’t have those photos on him, and he had to get an actual SOLDIER babysitter, I would have preferred you.”

‘Wait. What.’ Clearly, Angeal was a bit distracted by how efficiently you can clean blood that he had neglected to hear some damning information on how you may have gotten this new gig. Oh well. He can try chatting with you another time. Besides, your new position would only make you more accessible to him.

Heaving a sigh, and resting your bloody knuckles on your hips, you give Angeal a grin. “Wanna hide these rags under Genesis’ bed?”

As if you even need to ask.

When Rufus drags you by the back of your collar like a cat out of Genesis’ private quarters, he can already tell this scene is only going to cause more chaos.

A wide grin fights its way to his face.

He had made the right call for his personal SOLDIER.

[reallyromealone]

BABYHAUL 3

Fluff, male reader, baby reader, reader is adopted by Yamada and Aizawa, domestic, cute

🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐Yamada was exhausted as he held little (name) in his arms, making coffee while Aizawa made breakfast for them all. It was back to school already and nobody was nearly awake for this, little (name) staring dazed and confused before being seated in his high chair.

"We have... Apple and carrot" Shouts mumbled as everyone began eating, (name) smacking his hands on the plastic table for food "yeah yeah, open wide" the exhausted hero said and (name) opened up when the little spoon got close to his mouth and looked very happy when tasting his food before looking at Shotas food curiously when he ate some of his own breakfast "ABABABA!" He tried reaching for some of it but sadly his chubby baby arm couldn't reach "here, a little bit" Shouta handed (name) a small bit that was cooled off on chopsticks and (name) looked very excited as he shoved it in his mouth.

Getting dressed and preparing (name)s baby bag the family headed off to school, Yamada grinning at the fact he managed to get the itty bitty babe in a onesie that looked like the uniform, Shouta having to explain that an actual mini uniform probably won't go well with the choking hazards via buttons and tie that the babe would most definitely try to eat.

Aizawa took (name) first as he collected his belongings, his new son looking at the students happily as they passed. Aizawa had Shinso hold his stuff as (name) kept insisting on trying to play with it.

Shinso found his new brother fascinating, the babe most definitely had a quirk that could fundamentally do anything! He could be anything!

And currently the little one was "helping" their dad prepare for class.

The students started filing in, at first not noticing the tiny addition strapped to their teachers chest, Aizawa currently writing things on the smart board "President, you can give attendance" Aizawa said passively as he turned to grab the work to be passed out off the podium and the class froze at the infant who was staring back curiously before looking around.

"Sir?" It was kaminari who spoke up with a raised hand and Aizawa grunted as a response to the blond "what's with the baby?"

Aizawa knew they wouldn't focus until he addressed the tiny elephant in the room so with a sign he scanned the class "this is my son, the U.A daycare is under maintenance so he's here" Aizawa said simply and Izuku seemed fixated on the small babe.

He looked... Familiar.

"How old is he?" Mina asked curiously and the teacher sighed "he's under a year old"

(Name) stretched his little arms and the class cooed "now" Aizawa got to business and popped a pacifier in little (name)s mouth before getting on with class.

(Name) mimicked Aizawas hand movements much to the classes amusement as Aizawa let him hold onto his finger.

"Is that him?" Nemuri asked with a soft excitement as she stepped towards the duo, Aizawa going to the staff room to get the heroics notes. "This is (name)" Aizawa said simply and Nem squealed softly but stopped when (name) looked a little startled at the sound "he's so little... Look at his little socks" she said and Aizawa took him out of his carrier a d let the other hold him, (name) immediately trying to grab her glasses to no avail "he does that with Hisashi" Aizawa said as his son began fussing.

"I think someone needs a nap" Nem said softly and Aizawa took him back and put him in the Carrier though this time facing Aizawa and began soothing the boy.

Hizashi smiled as he held his new youngest son, little (name) waking from his nap mid class and looked at the Gen-Ed students half awake, looking like he just woke from a damn good nap and clothes slightly disheveled.

"Good morning sunshine" (name) let his dad clean the drool from his cheek before popping a pacifier in his mouth "oh-- we finished early... Well I suppose you all can talk amongst yourselves" Hizashi said but his students just looked fixated on the baby who gave them some half awake side eye "sir? Is that your son?" One student asked and Hizashi grinned "yes he his! This is my youngest son (name)!" He waved (name)s sleepy arm and the boy just let him do what he wanted "how old is he?" Another asked and the blond adjusted (name) before speaking "a few months, he's a wiggly little guy" (name) gave a prime example as he whined to be put down and his dad complied, gently setting the boy down and (name) began army crawling around his little blanket set out "he's not good at the whole moving thing yet"

(Name) wiggled on the floor till his arm got caught under him and the class stiffened as his little lip wobbled and then a cry broke out as Hizashi lifted the itty bitty into his arms and tried to soothe the babe who was absolutely loosing it to no avail till his son came up "can I try?" hizashi let Hitoshi hold the itty bitty as the bell rang, the blond letting the students leave.

When it was just the trio, Hitoshi held (name) close and pat his little back gently and... Started reciting words meanings from the dictionary?

It seemed to work as (name) calmed down "how" Hizashi asked his son who shrugged "works on Eri"

The two laughed as (name) looked around confused "it's lunch time baby, they went bye bye"

"Why does he have tear marks?" Shouta asked as he took the babe "lil guy crawled on his own arm and lost his mind" Hizashi said teasingly and Shouta nodded "bound to cry eventually"

"The machine beeped!" Midnight said as her and powerloader made tea and Shouta wandered to the bottle warmer and (name) began bouncing at the machine he quickly learned holds his food "yeah yeah, keep your diaper on"

(Name) made content sounds as he ate, the teachers talking about classes and students and upcoming events "I still can't believe you two are going to be the hosts for the sports festival" Snipe snorted and Aizawa shrugged "it's only logical"

When (name) finished his bottle, Aizawa burped him and let him look around in his arms, everyone waving at him and to the adults surprise he clumsily waved back "I am pretty sure that was his first wave" Hizashi said excitedly and the teachers cooed and thankfully Vlad had video of it all and sent it to the blond.

"So is he eating solids?" Powerloader asked and Shouta nodded "he's a monster with custard" at the mention (name) looked at him curiously and the man chuckled "papa!" Little Eris voice rang as she ran in excitedly "Hi baby! Nedzu let you out early?" With the help of nedzu and a Quirk specialist Eri had been learning to control her quirk in a safe environment "yeah! He said since I got a new baby brother that I could have extra lunch with him!"

Eri smiled as Shouta crouched so she could see the little babe whom she vowed to protect in her little heart and though he shared features with her abuser she was very aware that they were not one in the same and during her captivity she often grew curious about the little baby.

A few weeks passed, the dorms fully finished and the family moved though Shinsou was in the student dorms though his training he would hopefully be joining the Hero course.

It was the weekend and the Yamazawa family were hanging out at the in school park for teachers who were parents, little (name) having the time of his life on the baby swing as he was gently pushed by Hizashi as Shouta pushed Eri on a big kid swing "higher!" She squealed as Shouta pushed her only a smudge higher "could the Yamada/Aizawa please report the Principal Nedzus office"

Hitoshi met with his family in casual clothes, it being the weekend and not needing a uniform at this moment as they knocked on it "enter please!" Nedzu said as they walked in, eyebrows raising at the man sitting in formal attire "what's going on?"

"Well due to the... Departure of Overhaul, he's been declared deceased due to the video spread of you know what" Nedzu spoke carefully as there were two tiny sets of ears through one was far more interested in his dad's capture weapon.

"So what?"

"So now we must read the things that's been left behind for our dear (name)!"

A will reading?

"Yes! It seems our dear (name) has been left quite a fair amount!"

The family sat as the lawyer began reading, the babe left estates and and priceless things in vaults quite literally anything and everything"and finally (name) Chisaki is left a total sum of 65,154,375,000 Yen (450m), here are the codes for the safes along with deeds to the estate's"

The Yamazawa family was... Shocked to say the least.

"Holy shi--""language" Shouta said though he wasn't much better, the tiny baby in his arms in little shorts and a blue striped shirts and matching shoes was absolutely loaded, the lawyer leaving them.

"My my, isn't this interesting" Nedzu said with a content smile and watched the family look shocked save for the littles who didn't have a clue on what was happening though (name) was very curious about the cookies and treats on Nedzus desk "I-I don't know... What?" Yamada was speechless as he processed the fact his baby was a multi millionaire "could we possibly have the homes and material items left behind be appraised and checked? To make sure they aren't stolen" Hitoshi brought up and the other adults genuinely considered it "since you two are his legal adults, we could do that" Nedzu said handing the teen a cookie for his excellent point "that would be good seeing as he was a criminal" Shouta agreed with his sons point.

"I will make arrangements"

So much stolen items.

So so much stolen items.

All the estate's, vaults and everything checked and the amount of stolen items was astounding and they barely dented it.

Generations of stolen goods from the crime family.

And all while this happened, (name) was excited that he got new blocks as Yamada worked with a lawyer to draft trust funds and such so the money would be accessible to (name) when he was 18.

[phantomrose96]

Oh okay so I have a Pikmin theory.

So for starters: Pikmin 1->2->3 are chronological. Pikmin 4 is a sort of AU of Pikmin 1, precedented on Olimar not making it off PNF-404 alive (sort of a bad-end of Pikmin 1, but also with various other AU differences).

This leads me to wonder... is Pikmin 4->2->3 arguably a canon sequence of events? Cuz either the differences between 1 and 4 have knocked canon off course, and as such 4 will never lead to 2 and 3. Or you can string them together in a way that makes 4->2->3 a plausible canonical chain.

The biggest thing that stands out to me is Louie. In 1->2->3, no one was ever sent to rescue Olimar in 1, and the second he arrives home in 2 his boss informs him that Louie was attacked ("attacked") by a space rabbit that ate the precious cargo of golden pikpik carrots, launching the company into massive debt (and he forces Olimar back to PNF-404 to treasure hunt to pay off the debt.) It's later revealed Louie was never attacked, and he ate the cargo himself.

In 4, LOUIE is sent to rescue Olimar. (He never does. He completely gives up because he forgot what Olimar looks like, and then becomes the biggest pain in your ass after YOU rescue Olimar, because Louie starts taking hostages and running from you insisting he never wants to leave PNF-404 for... some unclear reason?)

This feels like it could break 4->2->3 as a plausible canon, considering Louie is not home on Hocotate to eat his whole cargo (fucker). But I realized something.

Pikmin 4 starts more or less around when Olimar's life support runs out and he dies. You get his SOS signal not long at all before this happens. And TBH, it's probably a good additional in-game month in 4 before you actually rescue Olimar and encounter Louie. In a good-end run of Pikmin 1, Olimar needs to repair his ship and escape PNF-404 before his life support runs out. So in short: Louie fucks up the cargo sometime prior to Olimar's life support running out, and Pikmin 4 is set after his life support runs out. (Technically, they changed the amount of time his life support lasts between 1 and 4, but I figure that was to trim down Olimar's Tale in 4 and not actually for a canon reason).

My point being, Pikmin 4 being largely set after Olimar's life support runs out means Louie had plenty of time to fuck up the pikpik carrot cargo.

Then there's the fact that in Pikmin 4, Louie is desperate to STAY on PNF-404 for reasons he refuses to ever explain. Maybe, because, ya know, he's waiting for the other shoe to drop. He knows he's responsible for plunging Hocotate Freight into what was essentially $10 million of debt. Louie doesn't want to be charged with $10 million worth of theft. And without Olimar bringing home the bottle cap, there's no plan for repaying that debt.

Louie maybe wants to stay on PNF-404 because he's not going the fuck to jail.

All this to say: I think 4->2->3 is actually a completely reasonable canon sequence, if you figure the "Louie lost (ate) the $10 million of golden pikpik carrots" happens in the background, right at the start of Pikmin 4 before Olimar's life support has run out. Olimar's SOS comes through, and President, desperate for his only competent employee back to help fix this, sends Louie to PNF-404 on a rescue mission. On PNF-404, Louie figures himself a fugitive who'd rather spend his days cooking bulborbs than ever return home to Hocotate to potentially face the music of his "this was definitely a felony" crime, and so he kicks and screams and fights to stay on PNF-404...

...And you drag him home anyway, along with poor rescued Olimar who's died and come back to life... just in time for their boss to be like "YOU idiots, go get me out of debt! Go back to PNF-404"

[five-rivers]

Cracked Clay Cup Chapter 7

@greatbigolhampuckjustforme

.

The documentary was more interesting than Danny had thought it would be; football itself, on the other hand, was quite boring most of the time.  Oh there were a few moments of excitement, usually in the few minutes before the game ended, and maybe it’d be more fun if he was actually playing, but otherwise… 

Yeah, it was boring.  Vlad seemed to like it, though.  And the popcorn was good.  Very buttery.  

“That was exciting, wasn’t it, my boy?”

“I, yeah,” said Danny.  “It was fun.”

Vlad nodded, seeming satisfied.  “Let’s go get lunch.  It’s about that time, and I can show you the dining room and kitchen.  You’ll be able to get things from there whenever you want, of course, but it is primarily the Dairy King’s domain.”

“Right,” said Danny.  “I’m looking forward to meeting him.  He’s your grandfather, right?”

“Yes,” said Vlad.  “Although I’m afraid to say we aren’t all that similar.”

“Okay?” 

“He’s… something of a… well, he has a somewhat interesting sense of humor.”

“Uh huh,” said Danny.  He didn’t really get it.  

“You’ll see soon enough, regardless,” said Vlad.  

They walked into a grand dining room with a long, polished table and a sparkling chandelier.  There were paintings of food on the walls, and Danny’s stomach rumbled, seeing it.  

“The kitchen is right through here,” said Vlad, ushering him through a door.  

Behind it was a shining, modern kitchen, covered in all sorts of gadgets and devices.  The central island counter was piled high with food.  Presiding over the stack of food was a small, round, green man with white hair and a bushy mustache.  He was wearing a parody of royal clothing.  

He was, it was quite clear, none other than the deceased founder of the Dairy King restaurant chain, the Dairy King himself.  

“Oh ho!” he said.  “I didn’t expect to see the two of you until dinnertime, dontcha know!  How are you settling in, Phantom?”

“I’m fine,” said Danny.  “My bedroom looks cool.”

“Glad to hear it!  Now, what kinda lunch were you fancying?”

“I don’t know,” said Danny.  “Surprise me?”

“Ohho!”  The Dairy King waved his hands, and cheese, sausages, and cold cuts followed.  “How about some lovely charcuterie?”  

Danny didn’t know what charcuterie was, but it didn’t look bad.  

“It’s finger food,” said the Dairy King.  “Nice and light, and full of the most important food group: CHEESE!”

It was, indeed, full of cheese.  

“Maybe some vegetables won’t be amis, either,” suggested Vlad, a bit of a sheepish look on his face.  “Some fruit?”

“Is cheese not good enough for you?” asked the Dairy King.  “For shame, Vladimir, for shame.”

“It’s good enough, but living beings can’t survive on cheese alone, grandfather.”

The Dairy King smiled and pulled a plate of fruit and carrots and celery from behind his back.  “I’m glad you’ve finally realized that, grandson!”

.

After lunch, Vlad went on to show Danny around the rest of his mansion, which was put together in a much more logical way than the Observants’ place.  Vlad even showed him the entrance to the lab, although they didn’t come in.  Danny was pretty sure he could find his way around.

The Dairy King tagged along with them for a while, then bowed out, saying that he had to start on dinner.  After that, it was just him and Vlad walking the halls.  It was pleasant to walk quietly for a while, but Danny’s curiosity was too strong to leave it that way for very long.

“So… You knew my parents?”

“Yes, I did,” said Vlad.  We met in college and became fast friends.  Your father was my roommate, your mother shared most of our classes.  We joined most of the same clubs, too.  It’s a bit of a boring story, isn’t it?”

“I mean, no?  Since I didn’t know any of this before.  What were they like?”

“Well… your father was always very… enthusiastic.  Your mother was brilliant.”

“So, kind of like Jazz.”

“I suppose so.”

“Both the enthusiasm and being smart.”

“... Yes.  I suppose so.”

Danny was tempted, very tempted, to ask more about his parents, but he could tell Vlad was very uncomfortable talking about them.  A point towards him telling the truth otherwise, although something was still niggling at him.  

“And you knew me,” said Danny.  

“Yes,” said Vlad, with some relief.  

“Tell me something about myself, then,” said Danny.  “Like, something we did together.”

“Oh, my.  Well, let’s see…  Where to start…  Ah, I know.  Did Jasmine mention anything about what you use your powers for?”

“No,” said Danny.  He made a face.  “I think she must have misunderstood the rules.  She kept trying to convince me that she was my mother.”

“She took the ‘become your parent’ part literally, I suppose,” said Vlad, shaking his head.  “In any case, after you received your powers, you became something of a superhero for your town, protecting it from rogue ghosts and other blackguards.”

Danny decided to ignore the really egregious euphemism for dying in favor of absorbing the fact he’d been a superhero.  That sounded so cool.   “Really?”

“Yes, really.  We even fought side by side a few times,” said Vlad, briefly buffing his nails on the front of his shirt.  “Perhaps I could tell you about the time you inadvertently absorbed another ghost’s ability to control the weather?”

“Please,” said Danny.  

.

They went to dinner after that, and it was very good.  Gourmet burgers, cheesy french fries and all.  Vlad seemed a little put out by it, but Danny liked it.  

Danny swam in the indoor pool for a bit after dinner, then played around with a few of the video games - he especially liked Doomed - but when it was time to sleep…  He didn’t quite feel like it.  Instead, he went downstairs, to the kitchens.

“Ah, Phantom!” said the Dairy King, who was doing… something with a gallon of cream.  “What brings you to the kitchen this fine evening?”

Danny shrugged.  “It looked like you wanted to tell me something at dinner.  And you call me Phantom.  The Observants called me that, too.”

“Well, it is part of your name, dontcha know?”

“I don’t know, really.  Clockwork said my name is Daniel, and Jazz called me Danny, and the Observants just called me Phantom, and said that was my only name.  What’s the truth?”

“I’m not all that well acquainted with you, but I’d say they’re all the truth.  I don’t rightly know your family name - couldn’t tell you if I did, against the rules, dontcha know? - but I know you by both names.”

That was one mystery solved, even if it was one of the less important ones.  “And the reason you wanted to talk to me?” 

The Dairy King sighed and floated down to sit on one of the kitchen counters.  “Well, now, that’s a bit more difficult to talk about, dontcha know?”

“Not… really,” said Danny.  “Since I don’t know what you’re talking about.  Like.  At all.”

“You’ve got a point there.  Well.  You know that I love my grandson, ya know?”

“Sure,” said Danny.  

“Yah, well, he’s my grandson.  And he cares about you, sure enough.  But the two of you didn’t always get along, per se.  Not to put too fine a point on it all… you two were enemies.”

“Enemies?”  There was the other shoe Danny had been waiting for.  He'd known this was too good to be true.  

The Dairy King nodded sadly.  “He's always wanted to take care of you, but he didn't go about it the right way.  Picked fights with you instead of talking to you.  And then that feud with your parents.  Nasty business, that.”

“Feud?”

“They had a falling out in their youth.  Nothing they should have gotten so worked up about, is my understanding, but Vlad took everything so personally…  Although, I wasn’t there to see it myself, dontcha know?”

“I guess,” said Danny.  He’d really thought that Vlad might be genuine, but he was hiding something big like this…  “So, we fought?”

“You did, I’m afraid,” said the Dairy King.  “But I can guarantee good as gouda that he regretted it.  He considers this whole thing a second chance.  A clean slate, so he can start over again, do things right this time.  But it didn’t sit right with me, not telling you, dontcha know?  And you’d remember eventually, and then what?  You’d feel tricked, betrayed, and then everything would be worse off than before.”

“They’re pretty bad now,” muttered Danny.  

“He really does mean to do better by you,” said the Dairy King.  “Please, won’t you give him a chance?”

Danny bit his lower lip.  He’d given Jazz a chance, even though she’d lied to him.  This felt different, though.  Still.  

“I’ll give him a week to tell me the truth.  That’s how long I gave Jazz.  If he doesn’t…”

“Yes, that sounds reasonable,” said the Dairy King.  “Thank you.”

Danny shook his head. “Don’t thank me yet.  Neither of us know what Vlad will do.”

.

First thing after breakfast, they headed down to the lab.  Somehow, knowing what, exactly, Vlad’s deal was made it a lot easier to go down there.  The lab was… not what he expected.  

It was very clean, for one.  All the different pieces of equipment were stored neatly and labeled.  The ectoplasm samples were stored in carefully marked, sealed jars.  Large, bright, computer screens displayed screensavers.  And in one of the walls was a large octagonal hole, leading down a dead-end tunnel. It was roped off with caution tape. 

Danny stared at it.  There was something about it… 

“The portal,” said Vlad.  “Don’t get too close.  It’s off right now, due to the requirements of the trial, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a dangerous piece of equipment.”

“Then why have it?” 

“Because it is also very useful.  Come along.”  

Vlad led him on, into a large, seemingly empty room.  The floor and the walls were padded with thin athletic mats.  

“Now,” said Vlad, walking into the center of the room as Danny looked around.  “First things first.  The transformation.”  

He struck a pose, and a black ring that somehow glowed sprung out from his waist.  As soon as Danny registered its existence, it split into two and swept over his body, turning Vlad from an aristocratic-looking human into a blue-skinned, horned, fanged, and clawed ghost.  

“Wow.  I knew you could do that, but wow.”  

“And you can do it, too,” said Vlad, his voice subtly deeper.  “In reverse order, of course.”

“How?” asked Danny.  

“Let’s take it step by step.”

.

They settled into a kind of routine.  They’d all eat breakfast together.  Then, Vlad and Danny would go train.  With Vlad’s help, Danny got a lot better at using his powers, even if he was nowhere near Vlad’s level.

(He had to wonder how he survived their enmity, with such a gulf between their skill levels, but maybe he either was better before losing his memories, or Vlad was going easy on him.)

At noon, the three of them would eat together, and Vlad would assign Danny a few hours of ‘homework.’  It wasn’t as bad as Jazz’s punishing schedule, but it still was tiring.  Probably good for him, though.  

Then, at dinner, Danny would harass Vlad and the Dairy King for stories about himself.  There was just so much he didn’t know.  

Finally, they’d usually watch a football game or some movie together before separating for ‘personal activities’ (Vlad’s words) and bedtime.  

The days passed quickly like that, and before Danny knew it, he’d reached the deadline he’d set for himself.  The evening of the seventh day.  

“Did I tell you about our little trip through time?” asked Vlad.  “It started with a rather interesting map–”

“You already told me that one,” interrupted Danny.  “Come on, you’ve got to have at least a few from before I died, right?  You don’t have to worry about embarrassing me with baby stories.  I get it.”

“It pains me to say it now, but I was not as involved in your life as I wish I had been.  I…” 

Danny looked up expectantly, wondering if this was when he'd admit to the truth.  When he'd tell Danny they used to be enemies. 

“I lived rather far away, you see, and fell out of contact with your family for many years.”

“Oh,” said Danny, disappointed in more ways than one. 

“I only made contact again at the reunion, which is when I also learned about you.”  He shook his head.  “I was so shocked when I found out about you,” he said, voice distant.  “I was just…  It was unbelievable to me, that what happened to me could happen to someone else.”

“It was a lab accident for you, too?”

Vlad made a face.  “Yes.”

Danny pushed the remains of his peas around on his plate.  What a way to kill the conversation…

“I’m probably going to leave in the morning,” he said, desperate to break the silence that had gone on for far too long.  

“What?” said Vlad.  “But we’ve been getting along so well!”

“We have,” said Danny.  “But I still need to visit the other people on the list.  You’re only the third.”

“You don’t exactly have to,” started Vlad.  

“But I want to give everyone a chance.  It’s only fair.”

Vlad sighed heavily.  “You are nothing if not fair.  I do wish you had told me beforehand.  I would have made something special for dinner.”

“You mean, you would’ve had me make something special for dinner,” said the Dairy King.  “Dontcha worry.  I have an ice cream cake in the freezer, on account of this being the one-week anniversary of you being here.”

“Thanks,” said Danny.  “I’ve really had a nice time.”

“I’m glad,” said Vlad.  “I hope you do consider returning.  I don’t know who else has applied for your custody, but I am, at least, a safe choice.”

Danny nodded.  He was better than the Observants, anyway.  But hiding the fact that they were once enemies didn’t exactly scream safe to Danny.  

“Yes,” said Vlad.  He sounded just a little choked up.  “Well.  On to the cake, I suppose!”

“Yeah, cake sounds good.”

[mariacallous]

Europe believes it is ready for Donald Trump 2.0. Having survived one Trump administration, European policymakers believe they have a recipe for navigating a repeat. Their confidence, however, is unwarranted. Focused on the wrong goals and distracted by political crises, Europe is far from equipped for the challenges of Trump’s second term as U.S. president.

Most significantly, European bureaucrats have yet to internalize the urgency and extent of the changes that will be required in military spending and strategy. Bribes and flattery may mollify Trump temporarily, but neither is likely to derail his plans to shift U.S. military commitments away from Europe. Europe may soon find itself exposed, lacking both the U.S. security blanket and a viable alternative of its own.

For Trump and his advisors, European complacency poses a challenge to one of their core objectives: shifting Europe’s defense burden onto NATO allies. But the new administration does have some levers it can use to force Europe out of its reverie and signal the seriousness of its intentions: reducing the U.S. military footprint in Europe decisively early in his term and pushing security responsibilities onto European Union member states.

Since Trump’s election victory last November, European leaders have been proactive, engaging in furious diplomacy and promising Trump all sorts of policy wins to forestall the punishing tariffs and U.S. military drawdowns he threatened during his presidential campaign.

At the top of the list of goodies are pledges to spend more on defense, one of Trump’s longtime demands. In recent weeks, NATO Secretary-General Mark Rutte has been clear that Europe knows it must spend more. With many countries now at or above NATO’s target of spending 2 percent of GDP on defense, European policymakers are discussing raising the goal to 3 percent in hopes that higher budgets—though still short of Trump’s 5 percent ultimatum—might keep U.S. military forces committed to the continent’s defense.

Europe also hopes to use economic alignment and engagement with Washington to avoid spats over trade and defense. Christine Lagarde, president of the European Central Bank, for instance, has called for Europe to adopt a “checkbook strategy,” buying more U.S. natural gas and weapons to stay on Trump’s good side.

Other European policymakers have urged their counterparts to more vigorously adhere to U.S. export controls and de-risking initiatives aimed at Beijing, implying a possible bargain: Europe’s help—economically if not militarily—with Washington’s “contain China” agenda in return for U.S. support against Russia. Concessions on economic or China policy may buy some time for Europe, but are unlikely to deter Trump. Shifting NATO’s defense burden to Europe is a top priority for Trump and his inner circle, one on which they may have little willingness to compromise.

Beyond carrots, European leaders have also turned to scare tactics, hyping the so-called “interlinkages” between the Asian and European theaters. They warn, for instance, that U.S. global credibility and containment of China require that the United States maintain its presence in Europe—and bankroll Russia’s defeat in Ukraine.

There are several versions of this narrative: one emphasizes the North Korean and Chinese role in Russia’s war in Ukraine, another that Taiwan might be the next domino if Ukraine falls. A third suggests that a U.S. withdrawal from Europe could drive Europe itself into China’s arms. But all play on long-standing U.S. fears about loss of influence on the world stage and are aimed at those in Trump’s circle who argue for prioritizing U.S. resources toward Asia.

Europe’s efforts to prepare for Trump’s return have not been entirely in vain. Increased defense spending by NATO members since 2020 should please the new administration. Indeed, Trump has already taken credit for this progress. But while promises of more military spending are good, few countries have figured out where to get the money for larger defense budgets. Many countries are more focused on Ukraine—and the consequences of a U.S. pullback from that war—than on bolstering their own defenses.

All this leaves Europe badly out of sync with an impatient U.S. administration about the degree and speed with which burden-shifting should occur.

This complacency is perhaps unsurprising when one considers the long history of back and forth between Washington and European countries on burden-sharing, a debate that stretches back at least as far as NATO itself.

For decades, U.S. policymakers have pushed for more burden-sharing (while being unwilling to apply actual pressure), and European policymakers have pledged to do more (while failing to do so). On both sides, there has been a generally accepted assumption that Europe cannot defend itself thanks to internal divisions.

Perhaps counterintuitively, European policymakers also have the record of the first Trump administration to reassure them. Despite Trump’s rhetoric, his first administration made no significant changes to the U.S. commitment to Europe. NATO even expanded under his watch—adding Montenegro and North Macedonia—and his administration increased the provision of weapons to Ukraine.

But Trump’s second term will likely differ from his first. From 2016 to 2020, the primary voice calling for the United States to pull back from Europe was Trump himself. Most of his advisors opposed retrenchment and subscribed to Washington’s elite consensus that shifting the burden to Europe would reduce U.S. influence and put U.S. security at risk. Today, however, the forces within the Trump administration pushing for the United States to commit fewer resources to European defense are much stronger.

There’s a growing sentiment among Republicans that Washington has paid far more than its fair share in Ukraine and elsewhere. Then there’s a strong push from so-called “prioritizers,” such as Elbridge Colby (the administration’s nominee for undersecretary of defense for policy), who argue that Washington should focus most of its resources on the Indo-Pacific, where its most pressing interests and most serious rival are located. Finally, the Defense Department is increasingly—if quietly—concerned about budgetary issues, shrinking stockpiles, and the strain that multitheater deployments place on limited personnel and systems.

European states have made progress in building their defense capabilities in recent years. Spending has increased, partly because of Trump’s first-term rhetoric and far more due to Russia’s 2022 invasion of Ukraine. The European Union has debuted initiatives in joint procurement and financing—such as the European Defense Industry Program– that enable smaller states to coordinate on defense programs, avoid duplication, and build a better defense industrial base. Non-EU minilateral agreements have proliferated, such as Sky Shield, which currently brings together 22 European states to coordinate on ground-based air and missile defenses. (Austria may leave under its new government.)

But while these steps are dramatic by European defense standards, they are at least 10 years too late. Joint defense among European states remains embryonic. Their militaries are too small and lack key technology or combat enablers (such as in-flight refueling or intelligence, surveillance, and reconnaissance capabilities). Nor do they have a common system of command and control outside the existing U.S.-dominated NATO framework. Put bluntly, Europe’s militaries are not even remotely ready for prime time.

Worse, there is no real sense of urgency about making the investments required to establish an independent European defense. Many European policymakers talk as if defense coordination were a generational problem to be solved; the head of the French aerospace company Dassault, for instance, told the Financial Times in March 2024, “The reality of building a European defense industry [is] it’s going to take many years and even many decades.”

Europe’s leaders engage in bargaining, hoping for clarity on what they can expect from the United States in the future, and explain all the reasons why they cannot—politically or economically—replace Washington’s contribution to their security. However, with a Trump administration poised to lean on burden-shifting, European leaders may find that these excuses fail to win them much of a reprieve.

Fortunately, solutions to Europe’s security deficit are within reach. At a minimum, Europe’s nations will need to increase spending, augment the size and readiness of existing militaries, and source needed systems and platforms. These steps will require political choices about prioritization, but they are not unsolvable.

And if Trump and his advisors are serious about getting Europe to do more, they have options. If the biggest problem is a lack of political imagination on the part of European leaders, then Trump is well-placed to shock them into action by making some of his past threats credible.

The most obvious step would be to withdraw a substantial number of U.S. military forces from Europe soon. This is easier than it sounds. Under former President Joe Biden, the number of U.S. military forces in Europe increased by at least 20,000. With the risk of broader war in Europe far lower than in 2022, these forces could be pulled back without significant risk or hassle. This would signal to Europe that Trump’s team is serious about rapid burden-shifting.

Trump’s team can also lean on existing institutions to directly off-load defense responsibilities onto European states. NATO’s force-planning process—which sets capability requirements for the alliance—is one such mechanism. Washington could set aggressive force and capability targets for NATO’s European members. Defense plans could be rewritten to give European forces primary responsibility in certain scenarios, pushing them to assume a bigger role and providing a more acute motivation to build their military forces.

Even the war in Ukraine offers opportunities. For the most part, the war has served as an impediment to discussions and investments needed to make burden-shifting a reality. Reducing U.S. involvement in the war in Ukraine itself can be a step toward a more balanced U.S.-European defense relationship, allowing the administration to push Europe to step up and meet some of Ukraine’s armament or funding needs outside the U.S. security umbrella. Just as important is that Trump’s team should not let European states use Ukraine as a stalling tactic to push off conversations about their own security.

Pursuing a hard line on burden-shifting may come with trade-offs for the United States, too. There may be limits to how much cooperation the Trump administration can expect on economic issues, such as trade and export controls on China, while it presses Europe on security and defense issues. Yet, in the long run, getting Europe to carry the responsibility for its own defense would be worth the reduced economic alignment, particularly if it allows the United States to focus its own resources more squarely on more important economic and security priorities.

However hard the Trump administration chooses to press Europe, though, it is increasingly acknowledged in Washington—even among diehard trans-Atlanticists—that burden-shifting is coming to NATO. European leaders may have lulled themselves into a false sense of optimism, believing that they have figured out the formula to persuade Trump. But his concerns on European defense are no longer a passing whim; they are increasingly common wisdom. Europe needs to wake up to reality: Its security freeriding is over.

[the-quasar-hero]

It’s been said more eloquently by ppl more politically articulate than I; but it must be said again, that the ppl who are rooting and voting for trump do not actually believe he’s an effective, competent leader. By his many failed businesses it’s clear he’s not. They don’t believe in their hearts of hearts that he’d be a good president. They only hate brown ppl and trans ppl more than anything. The metaphorical carrot he’s waving in their faces is the promise that he’ll hurt brown ppl and trans ppl. That is enough for them. That alone gets their vote. Their hatred of ppl different from is enough to ignore his glaring flaws that make him ill equipped to run a company, let alone a country