#he's not even on my top 10 would smash list. not cause he's ugly or anything i just. dont want hi

[smol-tired-binch-blog]

Kiryu is so funny as a character to me because I really relate to him a fair amount and I kinda love him but I also kinda hate him lmaoooo. Like Majima and Nishiki make me so mentally ill and I cry and scream and weep and lust for them and they both love Kiryu so much (in different ways) and I guess like...in a way I’m jealous of Kiryu?? Every time I see art of him with one of them I’m like ‘it should be ME’. He’s a kind and well-meaning man (bear in mind I’ve only played 0 and Kiwami so far) but like.....he’s so fuckin’ annoying. Sometimes he just pisses me OFF and I’m like “I don’t CARE about you, Kiryu!!!!” I don’t give a shit about him!!!! But like, can I truly be a Majima or Nishiki fan and NOT care about him? Cause I do like him. I love him and Haruka’s bond, like I say, I relate to him, but just....God, Kiryu, things would be so much easier if I hated you (omg Nishiki moment). I relate to that lumbering autistic moron so much and I fuckin hate him for it and he is my good friend and I am going to punch him in the face

[thesteadydietofeverything]

Top 10 Games of 2019

This was an extremely good year for games. I don’t know if I played as many that will stick with me as I did last year, but the ones on the bottom half of this list in particular constitute some of my favorite games of the decade, and probably all-time. If I’ve got a gaming-related resolution for next year, it’s to put my playtime into supporting even smaller indie devs. My absolute favorite experiences in games this year came from seemingly out of nowhere games from teams I’ve previously never heard of before. That said, there are some big games coming up in spring I doubt I’ll be able to keep myself away from. Some quick notes/shoutouts before I get started:

-The game I put maybe the most time into this year was Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn. I finally made the plunge into neverending FF MMO content, and I’m as happy as I am overwhelmed. This was a big year for the game, between the release of the Shadowbringers expansion and the Nier: Automata raid, and it very well may have made it onto my list if I had managed to actually get to any of it. At the time of this writing, though, I’ve only just finished 2015’s Heavensward, so I’ve got...a long way to go. 

-One quick shoutout to the Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy that came out on Switch this year, a remaster of some DS classics I never played. An absolutely delightful visual novel series that I fell in love with throughout this year.

-I originally included a couple games currently in early access that I’ve enjoyed immensely. I removed them not because of arbitrary rules about what technically “came out” this year, but just to make room for some other games I liked, out of the assumption that I’ll still love these games in their 1.0 formats when they’re released next year to include them on my 2020 list. So shoutout to Hades, probably the best rogue-like/lite/whatever I’ve ever played, and Spin Rhythm XD, which reignited my love for rhythm games.

-Disco Elysium isn’t on this list, because I’ve played about an hour of it and haven’t yet been hooked by it. But I’ve heard enough about it to be convinced that it is 1000% a game for me and something I need to get to immediately. They shouted out Marx and Engels at the Game Awards! They look so cool! I want to be their friend! And hopefully, a few weeks from now, I’ll desperately want to redact this list to squeeze this game somewhere in here.

Alright, he’s the actual list:

10. Amid Evil

The 90’s FPS renaissance continues! As opposed to last year’s Dusk, a game I adored, this one takes its cues less from Quake and more from Heretic/Hexen, placing a greater emphasis on melee combat and magic-fuelled projectiles than more traditional weapons. Also, rather than that game’s intentionally ugly aesthetic, this one opts for graphics that at times feel lush, detailed, and pretty, while still probably mostly fitting the description of lo-fi. In fact, they just added RTX to the game, something I’m extremely curious to check out. This game continued to fuel my excitement about the possibilities of embracing out-of-style gameplay mechanics to discover new and fresh possibilities from a genre I’ve never been able to stop yearning for more of.

9. Ape Out

If this were a “coolest games” list, Ape Out would win it, easily. It’s a simple game whose mechanics don’t particularly evolve throughout the course of its handful of hours, but it leaves a hell of an impression with its minimalist cut-out graphics, stylish title cards, and percussive soundtrack. Smashing guards into each other and walls and causing them to shoot each other in a mad-dash for the exit is a fun as hell take on Hotline Miami-esque top down hyper violence, even if it’s a thin enough concept that it starts to feel a bit old before the end of the game.

8. Fire Emblem: Three Houses

I had a lot of problems with this game, probably most stemming from just how damn long it is - I still haven’t finished my first, and likely only, playthrough. This length seems to have motivated the developers to make battles more simple and easy, and to be fair, I would get frustrated if I were getting stuck on individual battles if I couldn’t stop thinking about how much longer I have to go, but as it is, I’ve just found them to be mostly boring. This is particularly problematic for a game that seems to require you to play through it at least...three times to really get the full picture? I couldn’t help but admire everything this game got right, though, and that mostly comes down to building a massive cast of extremely well realized and likable characters whose complex relationships with each other and with the structures they pledge loyalty to fuels harrowing drama once the plot really sets into motion. There’s a reason no other game inspired such a deluge of memes and fan fiction and art into my Twitter feed this year. It’s an impressive feat to convince every player they’ve unquestionably picked the right house and defend their problem children till the bitter end. After the success of this game, I’d love to see what this team can do next with a narrower focus and a bigger budget.

7. Resident Evil 2

It’s been a long time since I played the original Resident Evil 2, but I still consider it to be one of my favorite games of all time. I was highly skeptical of this remake at first, holding my stubborn ground that changing the fixed camera to a RE4-style behind the back perspective would turn this game more into an action game and less of a survival horror game where feeling a lack of control is part of the experience. I was pleasantly surprised to find how much they were able to modernize this game while maintaining its original feel and atmosphere. The fumbly, drifting aim-down sights effectively sell the feeling of being a rookie scared out of your wits. Being chased by Mr. X is wildly anxiety-inducing. But even more surprisingly, perhaps the greatest upgrade this game received was its map, which does you the generous service of actually marking down automatically where puzzles and items are, which rooms you’ve yet to enter, which ones you’ve searched entirely, and which ones still have more to discover. Arguably, this disrupts the feeling of being lost in a labyrinthine space that the original inspired, but in practice, it’s a remarkably satisfying and addicting video game system to engage with.

6. Judgment

No big surprise here - Ryu ga Gotoku put out another Yakuza-style game set in Kamurocho, and once again, it’s sitting somewhere on my top 10. This time, they finally put Kazuma Kiryu’s story to bed and focused on a new protagonist, down on his luck lawyer-turned-detective Takayuki Yagami. The new direction doesn’t always pay off - the added mechanics of following and chasing suspects gets a bit tedious. The game makes up for it, though, by absolutely nailing a fun, engrossing J-Drama of a plot entirely divorced from the Yakuza lore. The narrative takes several head-spinning turns through its several dozen hours, and they all feel earned, with a fresh sense of focus. The side stories in this one do even more to make you feel connected to the community of Kamurocho by befriending people from across the neighborhood. I’d love to see this team take even bigger swings in the future - and from what I’ve seen from Yakuza 7, that seems exactly like what they’re doing - but even if this game shares maybe a bit too much DNA with its predecessors, it’s hard to complain when the writing and acting are this enjoyable.

5. Control

Control feels like the kind of game that almost never gets made anymore. It’s a AAA game that isn’t connected to any larger franchises and doesn’t demand your attention for longer than a dozen hours. It doesn’t shoehorn needless RPG or MMO mechanics into its third-person action game formula to hold your attention. It introduces a wildly clever idea, tells a concise story with it, and then its over. And there’s something so refreshing about all of that. The setting of The Oldest House has a lot to do with it. I think it stands toe-to-toe with Rapture or Black Mesa as an instantly iconic game world. Its aesthetic blend of paranormal horror and banal government bureaucracy gripped my inner X-Files fan instantly, and kept him satisfied not only with its central characters and mystery but with a generous bounty of redacted documents full of worldbuilding both spine-tingling and hilarious. More will undoubtedly come from this game, in the form of DLC and possibly even more, with the way it ties itself into other Remedy universes, and as much as I expect I will love it, the refreshing experience this base game offered me likely can’t be beat.

4. Anodyne 2

I awaited Sean Han Tani and Marina Kittaka’s new game more anxiously than almost any game that came out this year, despite never having played the first one, exclusively on my love for last year’s singular All Our Asias and the promise that this game would greatly expand on that one’s Saturn/PS1-esque early 3D graphics and personal, heartfelt storytelling. Not only was I not disappointed, I was regularly pleasantly surprised by the depth of narrative and themes the game navigates. This game takes the ‘legendary hero’ tropes of a Zelda game and flips them to tell a story about the importance of community and taking care of loved ones over duty to governments or organizations. The dungeons that similarly reflect a Link to the Past-era Zelda game reduce the maps to bite-sized, funny, clever designs that ask you to internalize unique mechanics that result in affecting conclusions. Plus, it’s gorgeously idiosyncratic in its blend of 3D and 2D environments and its pretty but off-kilter score. It’s hard to believe something this full and well realized came from two people. 

3. Eliza

Eliza is a work of dystopian fiction so closely resembling the state of the world in 2019 it’s hard to even want to call it sci-fi. As a proxy for the Eliza app, you speak the words of an AI therapist that offers meager, generic suggestions as a catch-all for desperate people facing any number of the nightmares of our time. The first session you get is a man reckoning with the state the world is in - we’ve only got a few more years left to save ourselves from impending climate crisis, destructive development is rendering cities unlivable for anyone but the super-rich, and the people who hold all the power are just making it all worse. The only thing you offer to him is to use a meditation app and take some medication. It doesn’t take long for you to realize that this whole structure is much less about helping struggling people and more about mining personal data.

There’s much more to this story than the grim state of mental health under late capitalism, though. It’s revealed that Evelyn, the character you play as, has a much closer history with Eliza than initially evident. Throughout the game, she’ll reacquaint herself with old coworkers, including her two former bosses who have recently split and run different companies over their differing frightening visions for the future. The game offers a biting critique of the kind of tech company optimism that brings rich, eccentric men to believe they can solve the world’s problems within the hyper-capitalist structure they’ve thrived under, and how quickly this mindset gives way to techno-fascism. There’s also Evelyn’s former team member, Nora, who has quit the tech world in favor of being a DJ “activist,” and her current lead Rae, a compassionate person who genuinely believes in the power of Eliza to better people’s lives. The writing does an excellent job of justifying everyone’s points of view and highlighting the limits of their ideology without simplifying their sense of morality.

Why this game works so well isn’t just its willingness to stare in the face of uncomfortably relevant subject matter, but its ultimately empathetic message. It offers no simple solutions to the world’s problems, but also avoids falling into utter despair. Instead, it places measured but inspiring faith in the power of making small, meaningful impacts on the people around you, and simply trying to put some good into your world. It’s a game both terrifying and comforting in its frank conclusions.

2. Death Stranding

For a game as willfully dumb as this one often is - that, for example, insists on giving all of its characters with self-explanatory names long monologues about how they got that name - Death Stranding was one of the most thought provoking games I’ve played in a while. Outside of its indulgent, awkwardly paced narrative, the game offers plenty of reflection on the impact the internet has had on our lives. As Sam Porter Bridges, you’re hiking across a post-apocalyptic America, reconnecting isolated cities by delivering supplies, building infrastructure, and, probably most importantly, connecting them to the Chiral Network, an internet of sorts constructed of supernatural material of nebulous origin. Through this structure, the game offers surprisingly insightful commentary about the necessity for communication, cooperation, and genuine love and care within a community.

The lonely world you’re tasked to explore, and the way you’re given blips of encouragement within the solitude through the structures and “likes” you give and receive through the game’s asynchronous multiplayer system, offers some striking parallels for those of us particularly “online” people who feel simultaneous desperation for human contact and aversion to social pressures. I’ve heard the themes of this game described as “incoherent” due to the way it seems to view the internet both as a powerful tool to connect people and a means by which people become isolated and alienated, but are both of these statements not completely true to reality? The game simplifies some of its conclusions - Kojima seems particularly ignorant of America’s deep structural inequities and abuses that lead to a culture of isolation and alienation. And yet, the questions it asks are provocative enough that they compelled me to keep thinking about them far longer than the answers it offers.

Beyond the surprisingly rich thematic content, this game is mostly just a joy to play. Death Stranding builds kinetic drama out of the typically rote parts of games. Moving from point A to point B has become an increasingly tedious chore in the majority of AAA open world games, but this is a game built almost entirely out of moving from point A to point B, and it makes it thrilling. The simple act of walking down a hill while trying to balance a heavy load on your back and avoiding rocks and other obstacles fulfills the promise of the term ‘walking simulator’ in a far more interesting way than most games given that descriptor. The game consistently doles out new ways to navigate terrain, which peaked for me about two thirds of the way through the game when, after spending hours setting up a network of zip lines, a delivery offered me the opportunity to utilize the entire thing in a wildly satisfying journey from one end of the map to another. It was the gaming moment of the year.

1. Outer Wilds

The first time the sun exploded in my Outer Wilds playthrough, I was probably about to die anyway. I had fallen through a black hole, and had yet to figure out how to recover from that, so I was drifting listlessly through space with diminishing oxygen as the synths started to pick up and I watched the sun fall in on itself and then expand throughout the solar system as my vision went went. The moment gave me chills, not because I wasn’t already doomed anyway, but because I couldn’t help but think about my neighbors that I had left behind to explore space. I hadn’t known that mere minutes after I left the atmosphere the solar system would be obliterated, but I was at least able to watch as it happened. They probably had no idea what happened. Suddenly their lives and their planet and everything they had known were just...gone. And then I woke up, with the campfire burning in front of me, and everyone looking just as I had left it. And I became obsessed with figuring out how to stop that from happening again. 

What surprised me is that every time the sun exploded, it never failed to produce those chills I felt the first time. This game is masterful in its art, sound, and music design that manages to produce feelings so intense from an aesthetic so quaint. Tracking down fellow explorers by following the sound of their harmonica or acoustic guitar. Exploring space in a rickety vessel held together by wood and tape. Translating logs of conversations of an ancient alien race and finding the subject matter of discussion to be about small interpersonal drama as often as it is revelatory secrets of the universe. All of the potentially twee aspects of the game are balanced out by an innate sense of danger and terror that comes from exploring space and strange worlds alone. At times, the game dips into pure horror, making other aspects of the presentation all the more charming by comparison. And then there’s the clockwork machinations of the 22-minute loop you explore within, rewarding exploration and experimentation with reveals that make you feel like a genius for figuring out the puzzle at the same time that you’re stunned by the divulgence of a new piece of information.

The last few hours of the game contained a couple puzzles so obfuscated that I had to consult a guide, which admittedly lessened the impact of those reveals, but it all led to one of the most equally devastating and satisfying endings I’ve experienced in a video game recently. I really can’t say enough good things about this game. It’s not only my favorite game this year, but easily one of my favorite games of the decade, and really, of all-time, when it comes down to it.

[queenofthearchitect]

You did what?

This was requested by: @biforrollynch

Request: Hiiiiii idk if youd be comfortable with this request but could i have a seth/Oc fic where the girl has relapsed and harmed herself after a couple years being clean and she doesnt wanna tell seth but he notices and she thinks seth is gonna leave her for it and she hates herself until seth makes her see shes everything? ofc he doesnt leave her and he helps her through it and tells her how important she is to him and how much he loves her??

Warnings: cussing, self harm, angst, fluff

Trigger warning: despression, and self harming. Self harming and something everyone deals with some point in their life and if you are dealing with it please talk I love you guys.

Tag list. @theworldofotps @writtingrose @new-zealand-chic @sassyspacedust @wolfiegal98 @haharollins @the-beastslayers-queen

Please enjoy 🦖

Seth was gone on again, I felt alone even though he was a phone call away it just wasn’t the same. I was downstairs elbowdeep in dishwater when my phone dinged, I walked over to it and it was from WWE and I clicked it and my stomach dropped Seth and his coworker Becky Lynch were smiling together and a little to close if you ask me. I put my phone down and tried to calm myself, I continued washing dishes when I got pulled from my thoughts. I grabbed my phone again and I saw it was from Twitter this time I opened it, I saw the same picture from the WWE of Seth and Becky.

I read some of the comments, Seth had always told me not to because of it the jealous fans but I always did and this time I knew he was right. I took about 10 minutes to read some of the comments when I had enough I threw my phone and I went upstairs, i wiped the tears from my eyes. I grabbed my razor blade and I slid the blade across my hip, I felt the anxiety leave my body but it was filled with another emotion that was regret. I knew cutting myself was not only hurting me but it was hurting Seth and I’s relationship.

After I cute myself the first time, I kept thinking what would happen if Seth saw and what if he left me? I can’t loose him. I walked to the mirror pulled the top of my shorts down and I slid the blade slowly across my skin at first but then I moved quickly while I put five more lines down my hip. A few hours Seth had came home, and my stomach dropped I stared at my now new cuts and I quickly cleaned the blood and I put on some shorts, when he came into the bedroom, he smiled at me and kissed my head. “Hey beautiful did you miss me? I’ve missed you.” I nodded and I kissed his lips.

He pulled away from the kiss and raised an eyebrow. “Okay Olivia what’s going on?” I looked up and him and forced a fake smile “nothing babe I’m fine.” He pursed his lips together and looked into my eyes. “Olivia have you been crying?” I got out of his grasp and I moved away from him. “I said I’m fine Seth okay.” I sighed and I walked out the bed room. I was fighting back tears, for the first time in a long time I felt ugly and it was my fault.

I was cooking downstairs for Seth, I reached for a bowl on the top self little did I know Seth was walking into the kitchen at the time. “Olivia what is that?” I grabbed the bowl and got off my tippy toes, I turned and looked at him. “What’s, what baby?” *i looked at him and smiled while he his hands rested right above my ass. “These Olivia.” He raises my shirt some and pulled my shorts down a little bit. “That Olivia, why did you do that?” My smile dropped a little bit more and more while he waited for my response.

“It’s not important Seth it’s not a big deal, I don’t want to make something out of nothing.” I slipped out of his arms and continued to make dinner. “It’s not important my ass, also it may not be a big deal to you but it is to me.” I sighed and I continued to toss the salad I was currently making. “Seth look I love you and I would love to talk to you but I don’t think you would understand.” He let out a scoff and crossed his muscular arms. “Olivia I can you just have to let me in, you’ve shut everyone out and won’t let anyone in.”

I looked at me and I let out a laugh. “Yeah and when I shut everyone out you were the first to leave.” Before I could even take a breath he started talking. “Olivia that’s not fair and you know it, I told you why I left.” I rolled my eyes while I kept tossing the salad. “Yeah and I’m sure you went straight to her when you did.” I turned around and crossed my arms while leaning against the countertop looking at him. “Her? Who’s her Olivia cause I didn’t ever cheat on you.” I pushed some hair behind my ear and I was trying to keep calm but I couldn’t any longer.

“Becky, becky is the her, I seen the picture of you and her together WWE made a post and it soon got to me by some fans and a few of our coworkers, you guys looked happy together.” He put his arms down and walked over and wrapped his arms around me. “S-So what your saying is you did this over me?” I looked up at him and then laid against his chest. “No Seth I didn’t do it over you, I did it because the comments that were made and what our coworkers implied.”

I scoffed and I shoftedbme weight on my other side. “Seth you don’t get it, I don’t like her all up on you.” “Olivia your jealous really? I haven’t given you a reason to doubt me at all who cares what others say.” I looked at him and shook my head and I walked towards the door with Seth hot on my heels. I went to our bed room and I grabbed my car keys and put on some shoes, Seth kept calling my name and kept asking where I was going but I didn’t answer him. I wasn’t going to let him see me cry.

I drove and sat in the Waffle House parking lot and my phone kept going off, I had ten miss calls from Seth and at least fifteen text messages from him. I was going to givebin to him like I always did if he didn’t anything from my point of view then there was no more use of arguing, I was tired of it all I don’t know what to do anymore. I was pulled from my thoughts when my phone started going off and I looked at it and I saw the caller ID and answered it. “hello?” I waited before my best friend Renee finally spoke. “Hey girly Seth called dean and he told me to call you so thats why I’m calling not that I don’t love you.”

I smiled at her words and I start playing with my hair while I explained to her what happened, I got myself up all worked up again. I started crying but Renee told me not to, she gave me great advice to just cool off then just go back home cause apparently Seth was worrying himself sick. I rolled my eyes and hung up my phone. I turned my car back on I start to drive home, I saw a Starbucks and I pulled into it he could wait a little bit longer. Starbucks always seemed to help calm me down I don’t know if it was the smell of coffee or just drinking it.

After I got my White chocolate mocha with whip cream from Starbucks I got in my car and I head back home, when I arrived home I felt anxious. I got out of my car with my Starbucks in hand, I decided to just ignore him until I drank my drink cause I’m emotionally drained. I didn’t want to argue anymore but I’m not about to get talked to like I was a child. I twisted the doorknob and I walked inside, I put my keys on the key ring and stopped in my tracks when I seen dinner was done with a little note I picked it up and quickly read it.

Olivia.

When ever you want to talk I’m upstairs in the bed room, I’ve already eaten so don’t worry about me you eat and I’ll clean up okay by the way the chicken was great and so was the salad. I love you!

~ your boyfriend Seth

I just say the note down and I continued to sip on my mocha, I made a plate and started eating. After I was finished I started putting the food away and I started doing dishes, Seth came downstairs and looked at me “hey babe I know your probably still upset but I just worry about you and I love you and if anything ever happened to you.” I sipped on my coffee and continued doing dishes. “Olivia I don’t think I did anything to deserved the silent treatment.” I looked at him and put the dishes on the dishstrainer. “Seth I know you care but your not my dad okay, I love the fact that you care but you don’t see anything from my view.”

He sighed and held me closer letting his body warmth wrap around me, taking his scent in making me calm down some. “Babe I know what you mean I just wanted to let you know I’m only in love with you and no one will ever pull us apart.” I looked up at him, I pulled him down and our lips connected. When we pulled away both of us breathing heavily. “Seth I know I just so scared you are going to leave eme for some one else, that’s why I hid the cuts from you and I didn’t intend on you to find them cause I’m always scared your going to leave me.”

He smiled softly at me and left a small little peck on my lips, he pull me to the couch with him. “Olivia I would never leave you, I’m always going to love you through anything, I’m not going to let one little slip up chase me away and not love you because I do Olivia and I plan on making you my wife one day.” I smiled at him and snuggled into him. “Promise?” He smiled softly and started rubbing my shoulder. “I promise Olivia I won’t ever let anything come between us but you got to start talking to me about things instead of cutting okay babe.” I nodded my head and I kissed his neck and down his shoulder and shown his arm.

“How did I get so lucky to have you Seth Rollins?” He smiled and kissed my head. “Well if it makes you feel any better baby I haven’t always been this way, it’s taken a lot of growth and me growing up to get to where I am and now that I have you I don’t plan on doing anything to screw that up.” I smiled and sat in his lap and smashed our lips together. “I love you Seth Rollins.” He smiled at me and wrapped his arms around my waist. “I love you Olivia so much, now come on let’s go cuddle.” I nodded and he stood up with my legs wrapped around his waist and while he carried me to our bed room where spent all night making up for our fighting.

A/N: I finally got this done and I loved writing it, I hope you all enjoy it and I love you guys so much for all the support and love y’all give me, life gets in the way but you guys and writing are my get away so I’m so greatful also sorry if this was long I wanted to make this one fic instead of 2. ❤️❤️

[wordsofanemo]

So I made this cake...

Someone asked me to make them a cake for their mom’s bday that also happens to be her sister’s bday (they’re twins). We went to lunch to discuss ideas. 

I asked a million questions to try and figure out what they like and what we could do that’d be fun as a twin thing. He didn’t give me much to go on. He did say they liked wine though. So I thought, wine + cake? I’m not a big fan of wine but I pitched it to him anyway - he was all for it. We talked a bit and decided a white and red wine cake, one for each of them. After some research I decided on a white wine cake with strawberry filling and white wine frosting for his mom who likes making a white strawberry cake, and a red wine and chocolate cake with cherry filling and dark chocolate frosting because it just sounds divine. Next step = samples. 

I’d never made wine cake before so I wanted to make samples to ensure they would taste good. Easily found some recipes for the cakes. I’d never done anything with cherries, so that was new and surprisingly tasty. I brought in small cakes for him to try and waited for his thoughts. Thankfully, he’s honest. He loved pretty much everything about them except that they were dry... hmm... either from being refrigerated, or just a bad recipe. We discussed presentation and decided simple and elegant, two 6 inch cakes. He mentioned maybe doing something intertwined but dropped it. We’d both been busy and overwhelmed and were bummed this wouldn’t be a collaborative decorating effort. I thought about it for the next day or so and got an idea... next = actual cake.

I couldn’t prep the cake ahead of time for fear of dry cakes. Not to mention, he didn’t bring me the one he wanted me to use until the day of - no worries. Thankfully the fillings could be made beforehand. I did some research day of while on a break at work and found some recipe, put together a list to go shopping for after work, to then rush home and get to work. I went hung out with a friend the night before and had too much to drink so I was very tired and low energy. Also woke up way too early the day before that for work, so I was REALLY tired. Fuck it. Had a monster at work. Added red bull to the shopping list...

Finally, time to get to it. Leave work, go to the store, get my shit, come home. Get into my pjs and my good shoes so I don’t fuck up my back, grab a quick snack and then get to work. 

First things first, I pulled out my ingredients and organized them. In my research I read that not having room temp eggs or milk can cause separation - that happened with the first white wine cake I made, I wasn’t going to let that happen again. I started with the red wine cake. He said it was a bit dry so I found a different recipe that had oil and sour cream - meaning guaranteed to be moist and dense like he asked for. I followed the order of the steps of the recipe and started by prepping pans. Cut out the parchment paper (enough for both cakes so I wouldn’t have to do it again later. Crisco and flour on three pans. Then to the batter. Get it all ready. Thin batter so easy to poor and divide. Tempted to put all three in at once but the recipe said to use the same shelf. That means baking it in two batches at 30 min each. Fuck. Ok.

Those are the only pans I have so I wait for the first two to be done, stick the last one in. Wait 15 min and take out the cakes onto cooling racks. They look great! I wash the pans and prep them once more. I make the white wine cake batter. 

I couldn’t find a recipe that didn’t use a box mix. No way I’m doing that. So I make my yellow cake batter and use wine instead of milk. I follow the recipe to the letter, even beating in between each egg addition, instead of all at once like I normally do. I don't want that separation. This batter is butter based and is much thicker. I divide into the two pans and use an angled spatula to spread evenly- my boss calls. I continue to even out while I talk to him even thought I should stop because I’m tired and don’t want to mess up. But I do it and it works. In the oven.

At this point, the first two cakes are cool. I use my leveler to slice the tops off. I cut one in half using a ruler for precision. I stack the two and trim them to match. I use one half to cut the second cake in half after leveling as well. I have my layers for the red wine cake. I realize I can’t use typical cake boards, I have to cut my own. I trace one of the layers on a cake board and cut out the proper size cake board. Once again, cutting two at once so I don’t have to do this again later. I remember a trick I saw on youtube where they used a cake board on top of the cake to run the bench scraper against to ensure smooth sides. So I cut out cake boards a bit bigger than the ones I just made for the bottoms.

Okay, white cake is out of the oven and cooling. I can start assembly of the red cake, I just need to make the frosting. Find the recipe - shit. I need to melt and cool chocolate. I had forgotten about that. More waiting. I pull out the dark chocolate I bought. They didn’t have 70% so I just got 100% - it didn’t seem like a good idea. I look at the recipe again and not e that I didn’t get enough chocolate. Okay. That’s okay. I can add semisweet chocolate chips and even out some of the bitterness from the 100%. I put it in a pan and melt it over low heat. Poor it into a glass bowl to encourage quick cooling. Look back at the recipe to realize I forgot to combine the chocolate with the butter. Great. Ok, chocolate back in the pan, add the practically melted butter, melt real quick, back in the glass bowl to cool. Why does it look so runny? Look back at the recipe - I’m dumb. I was looking at the other frosting recipe and used way too much butter. I’m out of chocolate now too....Okay. B! Please run and get me some chocolate. 60% and enough this time. Cool. If I can’t work on this, then I’ll have to work on the white wine frosting. Cool. 

Let’s do this . Recipe says slow, steady stream when adding the wine into a slow mixer. I do just that. Mixer was too slow, wine added too fast. and it all starts to separate. An ugly mess of separated butter. Fuck. Okay, in a bowl, in the fridge just in case I need to use it. Remake the frosting. Measure precisely the amount of wine, speed the mixer up just a touch, and poor in extra slow. Boom. Let’s assemble this thing.

I pull out my turn table and pre cut cake boards. Put some frosting on the board, find my sturdiest layer of white wine cake and lay it down, making sure it’s straight on the board. I push down on it to ensure it sticks to the frosting and is flat. I put some frosting in a piping bag with a tip and draw a flat, thick border. I get my strawberry filling and mix it in a bowl to recombine everything then I pour some onto the cake, making sure it’s to the edges, but not so high that it’ll squeeze out with the next layer. Done. Next layer. I push down a bit to make sure it’s flat and straight on there, using the flat side on top. I repeat all these steps with the next 3 layers, making sure everything is nice and flat along the way - no slanted tops this time!

Once I’m done I realize that in smashing down the cake they came out slanted on the side - I straighten that out, looking from all angles to make sure it’s as straight as possible so that it can join the other cake. Then the crumb coat. Then the freezer - timer for 10min. I take this time to melt the butter and chocolate for the other frosting. I pour into a flat serving dish this time to ensure it cools quickly. The texture is gorgeous.

Next frosting layer. I throw some on there, throw the second and bigger board on top and use my bench scraper to smooth out the edges. I repeat many times, adding more frosting and trying to make sure there are no holes and that the sides are straight down and not sinking in towards the top or bottom... it turns out okay. Back in the freezer for 10 min.

Now the top. The hardest part! I use a knife to remove the top board. I add more frosting and try to smooth it out. What I haven’t figured out is how to smooth the top without leaving any lines and then how to deal with the edges...I do my best, again just okay. I look at the whole thing. There are still some lines and it’s not perfectly smooth. I can see some cake on the sides through the frosting. I let it be for now. All this time I had been putting the cake in the freezer with the turn table... now to take it off. I use a big spatula and put it on to a cooling rack. I ruin the bottom, but it’s okay, I plan to put a bottom border on the finished cake. 

Onto the red wine cake. I start with the frosting. It’s a cream cheese base so I mix the melted chocolate mixture with the softened cream cheese... the cream cheese has been sitting out for the entire process... it’s WAY too soft. I mix it up and add the powdered sugar and all but it’s too soft for decorating. So I shove it in the freezer. At this point I’m exhausted. I’ve been baking for 5 hours. And I’m hungry. So break time. I consider going to the store to get even more chocolate in case the frosting doesn’t firm up... instead I decide to go with a different frosting should that happen. I know that cream cheese frosting is hard to decorate with because it melts, so a different frosting would probably be best. I grab B and we grab a quick bite. As I’m getting in the car, I feel my back spasm and pain shooting across my lower back. Fucking great. This is going to be so much harder now. As soon as we get back, I pop open my red bull, I take an alive, some cbd oil, and I sit on the couch to eat. I planned to make the break short but I needed to rest my back until the meds kicked in. I’ve baked with a bad back before, I just have to be careful in my movements and take things slow.

45min later, I start on the second cake. Following the same steps as above. All is going the same until I put the second layer on... I realize that the red cakes are much thicker than the white... but they have to be the same height in the end so that I can connect them... so I smash down even more! Gently, though. I don’t want the edges to flare out. I compare to the white cake after every layer to see how much taller it is. After all the layers are assembled, it’s still slightly taller than the white but I can’t squish down anymore... I’ll figure it out later!

I start on the crumb coat. This frosting is amazing. It spreads on incredibly smooth. Is it the cream cheese or the chocolate? Maybe I’ll add cream cheese to all my frostings... This is going to be easy. I choose to forego the top board this time to see if the smoothness of the frosting is enough. I crumb coat and freeze for 10 min. 

I spread on more frosting and use my bench scraper to smooth the edges. All the video sI’ve seen they are very specific in how they hold the bench scraper to ensure the frosting is not removed completely, I haven’t been able to do that. My white cake removed enough frosting to see the cake through it.. hm... okay lets think about this a bit more. I line the bench scraper with the edge of the cake and make sure it’s straight. I scrape while turning the table. Wow! That worked. I do it again, this time just turning the table in one full motion - even better! I fill in the holes with more frosting and scrape again. It looks great. Freeze for 10 min before moving on to the top.

At this point the white cake is warm and the frosting is crazy soft. When I pull out the red, I put the white back in the freezer. I start on the top. It’s a bit easier with this frosting but still running into the problem with the edges... I do my best. Okay. Now to combine the two. I pull out a bigger cake board and line up the red cake. I pull out the white cake and lay it next to the red. It’s not nearly as pretty. I decide to rework it. I throw on more frosting and smooth out with the new technique I’ve learned. It looks much better. The top flares in a bit so I need to add more frosting and make sure it’s all smooth. I work on the top, still not the best, but it’ll do. Back in the freezer.

I pull it out and lay it next to the red.They’re not perfectly straight, so they don’t line up easily. Fuck it. I push them together from the sides, ruining all of the frosting. It kind of works. I put it back in the freezer.

At this point I make the chocolate syrup. Very easy recipe. But I want to make sure it will be cool enough to pour fairly soon. While that’s cooling, I pull out the cake and fill piping bags with both frostings. I use one to fill one of the side cracks and the other to fill the other. I scrape to smooth out. It looks pretty great. As I mentioned before, the white is not a tall as the red. So I add more frosting on top and smooth it out until it looks the same height. This going to work!

I poor the chocolate syrup into a piping bag with a rounded tip. I’ve never done a chocolate drizzle before and I don’t want it to look terrible. I grab a mason jar and flip it upside down and practice pouring it. I see the viscosity of the syrup and take a mental note. Okay, lets do it. I start with the side. I drizzle around the red side only. I pour extra down the cracks there the two cakes meet to cover them up. Looks good! Now the top. I draw the line across the middle. it didn’t come out all the straight.. what if I use a ruler? I try that, it doesn’t help and now I have a deep line in my cake. What a dumb move! And so close to the end...

It’s okay, I fill in the line with the white and smooth it out again. I poor more drizzle to straighten the line. I smooth it all out best as I can and I throw it in the freezer to set the drizzle. I look at my frosting, not sure that I will have eough to pipe with. I put them both in the fridge for now as they’re starting to melt down. I clean while I wait. 

I prep my piping bags and realize I only have one of the tip that I want to use... okay. I’ll have to pipe one at a time. I pull out my cake and think I should practice the swirl before going straight to the cake, so I do. It takes a couple of times to et it right, now I’m ready. I look at the cake and envision where the swirls should go. I decide to do 5 swirls on each half. I go for it with the white. Easy enough. I wash the tip and start the chocolate. Practice again before swirling. I pipe 5 swirls again but the frosting is still pretty runny so I immediately stick it in the freezer. At this point I remember I wanted to put a bottom border on it. But which border? I want it to look elegant and simple...I pull out the tip I like and a mason jar to practice on with the white frosting - the chocolate back in the fridge to set up some more. Also need to see if I’ll have enough. I have plenty of chocolate frosting so I’ll use that one all around if I don’t have enough. I decide on doing mini swirls to sort of match the top. They look very cute and elegant with the white frosting and it looks like I’ll have enough! 

So I pull out the cake and do the border with the white. It looks good. Once again, I only have one tip. So I wash it and prep the chocolate. It’s still pretty soft, but I need to do it, so I do. The swirls are not as defined but they still look nice. I finish up and take a look. it looks pretty good! I stick it in the freezer one last time to set up the bottom border. 

I finish cleaning and pull out my cake. it’s a pretty good representation of what I was envisioning - how cool! That never happens! It is not as polished as I had hoped, but it still looks pretty fucking good. I take a bunch of pics to have different angles and lighting. then I box it up and put it in the fridge.

10 hours later, I’m finally off to bed.

[hollywoodjuliorivas]

Advertisement SundayReview | OP-ED COLUMNIST Trump, Neo-Nazis and the Klan Maureen Dowd AUG. 19, 2017 Continue reading the main storyShare This Page Share Tweet Email More Save 298 Photo A Ku Klux Klan protest last month in Charlottesville, Va., five weeks before a rally there by Klansmen, neo-Nazis and other white nationalists turned violent. Credit Chet Strange/Getty Images WASHINGTON — One lazy, sultry afternoon in 1947, two years after America helped trounce the Nazis, my father arrived at our family’s modest summer house on the Severn River near the Naval Academy. He had come from his job as a police detective in D.C., still wearing his suit and his service revolver. “Get your shoes on and come with me,” he told my 10-year-old brother, Martin, his Irish lilt edged with a steel that caused his son to scramble. “I have something to do and I want you to see it.” The town, Herald Harbor, Md., had its share of “old country hicks,” as Martin called them. It had been founded in 1924 by The Washington Herald, a newspaper owned by William Randolph Hearst. The Herald gave one of the first cottages to Margaret Gorman, a vivacious curly-haired 5-foot-1 Washington teenager who had gone to Atlantic City in 1921, sponsored by the paper, and won a beauty pageant. She was crowned “The Most Beautiful Bathing Girl in America” and awarded the Golden Mermaid trophy. The next year, she competed again and won a new title. She became the first Miss America. My father liked Herald Harbor because, with its woods and water, it reminded him of his native Ireland. He planted potatoes in the garden and nailed up a sign naming the property Fanore, after the tiny village in County Clare where he was born. Continue reading the main story ADVERTISEMENT Continue reading the main story He had a couple extra houses for relatives, but when they married and stopped coming, he sold them. Word quickly spread through the cloistered town that Mike Dowd had sold to Jewish families. Crosses began appearing on the new neighbors’ yards. At night, men skulked around in their Ku Klux Klan sheets, or what my sister, then 8, called “ghost outfits.” The head of the local Klan, a man who delivered ice in the town, began mouthing off about how he didn’t want Jews in the neighborhood. My father explained to Martin that his best friend in the town, a boy a year younger, was the son of the Klan leader. He told Martin that they were going to talk to the man. They walked to the top of the road, took a left and went to the third house. “I was sort of excited and paralyzed at the same time,” Martin recalled when I talked to him about it on Friday. (I was not yet born.) “I thought what the hell do we do if the guy comes out with a shotgun?” My father had his jacket open so his holster was showing. “I hear you’re looking for me,” he coolly told the scrawny man who answered the door. Newsletter Sign UpContinue reading the main story Sign Up for the Opinion Today Newsletter Every weekday, get thought-provoking commentary from Op-Ed columnists, the Times editorial board and contributing writers from around the world. Sign Up You agree to receive occasional updates and special offers for The New York Times's products and services. SEE SAMPLE MANAGE EMAIL PREFERENCES PRIVACY POLICY OPT OUT OR CONTACT US ANYTIME “I’m not looking for you,” the man replied. “These are wonderful people, wonderful people,” my dad said of our neighbors. “And I don’t want you to think that you can get in their way coming in here. I just want to pass that along. I’m going to be keeping an eye on you.” ADVERTISEMENT Continue reading the main story My brother knew, and the Klan leader found out, that my father was not one to be trifled with. He had already tangled with the Klan once on police business in West Virginia, when they overturned his partner’s car because it had a sticker supporting Al Smith, the first Catholic to run for president on a major party ticket. The Jewish families never had a problem again. “He was totally unafraid of everyone and everything,” Martin marveled. “He was just a spectacular person.” I was thinking of that story the day Barack Obama was inaugurated in 2009 because it was the first time I had seen my hometown seem truly integrated. How amazing that within my brother’s lifetime we had vanquished all those hideous ghouls in ghost costumes. How magical and modern our future would be. The next day, I roused my reluctant houseguests for a dawn trip to the Lincoln Memorial, with croissants and Champagne, to celebrate the spectacular odyssey from Lincoln to Obama. But we were naïve. We should have known it would not be that easy. There were ugly things rumbling beneath the surface and, fueled by that bigotry, Democratic incompetence and Republican longing for a conservative Supreme Court, Donald Trump found a narrow portal to crawl through to get to the Oval Office. He did not come to the White House with any moral authority. And unlike some other presidents, such as J.F.K. and Ronald Reagan, he did not embody our aspirations. He was simply a rough instrument to smash the capital. Republican nihilism and Democratic neglect and arrogance had bred a virulent strain of nihilism in the electorate. Many voters wanted to tear down the house. There will be a lot of pain while this president is in office and the clock will turn back on many things. But we will come out stronger, once this last shriek of white supremacy and grievance and fear of the future is out of the system. Every day, President Trump teaches us what values we cherish — and they’re the opposite of his. ADVERTISEMENT Continue reading the main story My dad, a war veteran and decorated police hero, used to divide men into men and “weasels.” When Trump buoyed the Ku Klux Klan and the neo-Nazis who had marched in Charlottesville with Tiki torches, Confederate flags, Nazi slogans, swastikas and banners reading “Jews will not replace us” — even as one of their leaders told a Vice News reporter how disgusting it was that Trump’s “beautiful” blond daughter was married to a Jewish man — the president made it clear which category he is in. For all the things he thinks make him a tough guy — his macho posturing, his Twitter bullying, his swaggering and leering talk, his vulgar references to his anatomy — he’s no tough guy if he can’t stand up to the scum of the earth. He followed the roar of the crowd to dark, violent places, becoming ever more crazed and isolated and self-destructive, egged on by the egotist and erstwhile White House strategist Steve Bannon but really led by his own puerile and insatiable ego. 298 COMMENTS Donald Trump has shown a fatal inability to listen to his better angels and stay on the side of the angels. Or, as my father would say, he’s a weasel. Ross Douthat and Nicholas Kristof are off today. I invite you to follow me on Twitter (@MaureenDowd) and join me on Facebook. Follow The New York Times Opinion section on Facebook and Twitter (@NYTopinion), and sign up for the Opinion Today newsletter. A version of this op-ed appears in print on August 20, 2017, on Page SR11 of the New York edition with the headline: Trump, Neo-Nazis and the Klan. Today's Paper|Subscribe Continue reading the main story TRENDING Protesters Flood Streets, and Trump Offers a Measure of Praise Op-Ed Columnist: The Week When President Trump Resigned How to Get Away With Murder in Small-Town India Op-Ed Columnist: Trump, Neo-Nazis and the Klan Dick Gregory, 84, Dies; Found Humor in the Civil Rights Struggle Opinion: What White Nationalism Gets Right About American History A Deal Breaker for Trump’s Supporters? Nope. Not This Time, Either. Editorial: The Failing Trump Presidency The Ethicist: Mom Left Me the House. What Do I Owe My Brothers? News Analysis: With Bannon’s Ouster, Question Remains Whether His Agenda Will Be Erased, Too View More Trending Stories » Maureen Dowd American politics, popular culture and international affairs. Will the Blowhard Blow Us Up? Stumbling toward Armageddon: Can two belligerent leaders living in deranged fantasy worlds tweet and taunt us into a nuclear war? Bobby Sticks It to Trump In a capital consumed with crime and punishment, Robert Mueller, a.k.a. Bobby Three Sticks, keeps the president in his sights. More in Opinion OPINION What White Nationalism Gets Right About American History FRANK BRUNI The Week When President Trump Resigned CONTRIBUTING OP-ED WRITER Hate That Doesn’t Hide OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR How to Make Fun of Nazis Recommended for You Sharing Secrets to a Successful Marriage EDITORIAL The Failing Trump Presidency Go to Home Page » SITE INDEX THE NEW YORK TIMES Site Index Navigation NEWS World U.S. Politics N.Y. Business Tech Science Health Sports Education Obituaries Today's Paper Corrections OPINION Today's Opinion Op-Ed Columnists Editorials Contributing Writers Op-Ed Contributors Opinionator Letters Sunday Review Taking Note Room for Debate Video: Opinion ARTS Today's Arts Art & Design Books Dance Movies Music N.Y.C. 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