#he's fucked up and he's silly! just like every other tf2 merc

[bloodheartz]

I'm gonna be real tf2 fans will post their "take of the century" abt Medic and it'll just be another rant showcasing their fundamental misunderstanding of him as a character. No he doesn't actively torment/torture his team. No he's neither your grimdark edgy sexyman or misunderstood bean who doesn't really want to hurt people 🥺. He's just like. A fucked up guy who is filled with whimsy and would like idk, click his heels in joy after seeing an enemy team members guts splattered across the ground and go scoop it up in delight.

[jermer10]

TF2 relationship hcs + miss pauling

suggestive, gn reader | silly romantic hcs

drabbles under the cut :P

Scout:

- the most emotionally immature out of all the mercs, also the most inexperienced with dating so he can get pretty jealous over stupid things - a demo flirts with you? dead. a medic pockets you for too long? whoops didn’t see that enemy sorry medic. god forbid another scout even breathes in your direction - ironically he used you to make Pauling jealous and eventually realised he actually likes YOU (fake dating trope my beloved) - non-stop rambles about you to his ma, when she meets you she’s already calling you her child in law - dates with scout usually consist of going to baseball games or getting lunch together, he’s pretty simple and won’t plan anything too extravagant unless it’s an occasion (with spy’s help ofc) - not huge on pda, will hold your waist or sling an arm around your shoulders on occasion, in privacy however he is HUGE on physical affection he loves you sm <333 - stroking your hair and running his fingers along your back, kisses on your neck, throwing in a couple of cheesy pickup lines here and there - pretty much only refers to you with pet names, “doll, babe, toots, handsome, etc” he’ll only use your name when he’s emotional or during intimacy

Soldier: - the most dense man on god’s green american earth so unless you’re similar to zhanna, chances are he won’t even bat an eye at you. you need to be batshit and violent for this man to notice you first - wakes you up at 5am sharp every morning for “training” (forcing you to workout with him whilst he yells at you….lovingly?) expect to be buff as hell after a couple months because his routines are intense - “DROP AND GIVE ME 20 CUPCAKE” “GOOD JOB SOLDIER. HERE IS A KISS FOR YOUR HARD WORK” “PUSH THROUGH THE PAIN SWEETHEART” - his kisses are really rough, he lifts you up into the air and spins you around or dips you and it’s genuinely super sweet, he enjoys picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder as well :3c - he has no jealous bone in his body, only random accusatory statements towards anyone who shows kindness towards you and it deters them enough for soldier to never have to worry - dates with soldier usually consist of working out or going to war museums, will never plan fancy dates so that’s all up to you - does not care about public or private affection, he will makeout with you anytime, anywhere and is unapologetic about it, much to everyone else’s dismay - “EUGH! GET A ROOM YOU TWO!” “AFFIRMATIVE, WE WILL MOVE TO THE LIVING ROOM”

Pyro: - i hc pyro as being aroace so a romantic-platonic relationship between you guys would be more mushy and cute than anything else - going out on ice-cream dates and buying matching colouring books and seeing how differently you each colour the same scene - cheek kisses no matter where you are is a must!!! holding hands around the base, tapping on each-other when bored and to show affection <3333 - the other mercs have no fucking idea what your relationship is but none of them care as long as you’re keeping pyro in check - you’re the first and only merc to see pyro without their mask on, one of the most tender moments shared between you and something that they treasure - pyro doesn’t get jealous, but they will harm anyone who makes you uncomfortable, no questions asked - cuddle buddies!!!! you guys can be seen lying around the base in a sleepy huddle, i can see demo joining and medic or engie tripping over y’all 😭 - they are super attentive of your needs and compromise despite having trouble feeling romantic or sexual attraction, as long as you enjoy it, they enjoy it

Demoman: - more of a flirt than scout is, and that’s saying something. demo will chat you up at any time of the day, whether it be in the privacy of your bedroom or straight up on the battlefield - has died MULTIPLE times because he just cant keep his eye off you, he makes mental notes of how attractive you look while bashing an enemy spy’s brain in and uses it later (WINK) - a solid 80% of your relationship is shared in silly drunk moments and the other 20 is rooted in insecurity. demo being jealous? likely. demo being scared of you leaving him for someone with two eyes and their head on straight? definitely - there are nights where he feels completely sober just holding you in his arms and acknowledging that you’re here and you love him, warts and all - SUPER BIG ON PDA!!! he wants the entire world to know that you’re his, also super big on cheesy nicknames “beauty, my love, handsome boy/beautiful girl/gorgeous partner” - messy kisses, lazy cuddles, dragging his fingers along your body feeling every dip and curve <3333 even if the affection seems half assed, his heart is devoted to you - offhandedly mentions you to his mum after dating for a year or so, to which her response is to slap him upside the head for not telling her sooner and then asking about grandbabies - you’re demo’s rock, if you asked him to go sober for you he probably would. he adores everything you do, words are unnecessary just look at his face

Heavy: - the stern and silent type, he generally doesn’t show public affection towards you unless it’s to protect you or to calm you down - in private he is the most gentle merc, holding you close to him and stroking your hair, playing with your fingers and mentally squealing at how cute and small they are compared to his, rubbing your back with his palm - he is a man of few words, but it’s pretty obvious that he is completely enamoured by you just from the way he touches you and how his gaze softens when he sees you - would plan the most personal dates, things that he KNOWS you would enjoy doing or seeing just so that he can see you smile up at him - “Любимая (darling), Дорогая (dear), Любовь моя (my love)” are the most common pet-names you’ll hear him calling you, he’s a more traditional guy - heavy is not a flirty man, he’s too blunt and would rather say what he means in the most direct way possible. thaaaat doesn’t mean he discourages you from flirting with him however - his family is extremely weary of you to begin with, heavy doesn’t talk about you much and so they’re going to be on guard (despite the fact that he could crush you with one hand if you did have malicious intent) - after a while though they warm up to you and consider you apart of the family- baking with you, teaching you how to hunt bears, making bearskin clothing, cooking the bear meat, talking about marriage and children, ANYTHING they can do to include you

Engineer: - it’s tough dating engie - he’s either working or passed out from the exhaustion of working, so you never really get quality time with him - he still takes every chance he can get to show you a good time, whether it’s cooking dinner with you or writing songs for you, he is much more romantic than he leads on - “darl, darlin, sweetheart, honeybee” sweet and simple names that roll off the tongue - the merc most inclined to shower with you. not even in a sexual way, he just enjoys the calm heat of the water and how intimate it is to share such a space - creates devices to make your life easier; need a new weapon? no need to buy a faulty mann co one, he can build you anything you want. need your very own kitchenette so you the other mercs can’t keep stealing your food? he was already drawing up the plans a week ago - the type of guy to bring you breakfast in bed every morning, putting on some slow romantic music and peppering your face with kisses to wake you up - always keeping tabs on you in battle, making sure that you’re safe and unharmed (despite knowing that you can respawn he still hates seeing you hurt) - the least jealous man to exsist, he is completely secure in himself and knows that if you didn’t wanna be with him, you simply wouldn’t

Medic: - another workaholic over here, it’s a mission getting him away from the operating table, or his desk right next to it - quiet, soft moments are few and far between, but when you do get them they are spent in each other’s arms lazying around the base - medic isn’t the romantic type and would likely just take you out to a traditional dinner or would want to teach you how to perform certain medical procedures on dates - don’t get him wrong! he loves you entirely, he just doesn’t see the need in being overly romantic with you, his way of showing love is letting archimedes anywhere near you or letting you lie on the operating table while he finishes up his paperwork - his pet names for you include “schatz (treasure), maus (mouse), meine taube (my dove)” - will pocket you 1000% and the other mercs HATE it - they have to strategise a way to keep you separated from eachother during battle - it wouldn’t matter if you were invincible or on the verge of death, this man would protect you to the ends of the earth. that being said he is also a massive shithead, will tickle you randomly or poke fun at you when you’re in a bad mood. its sweet. usually - in that middle ground of jealous but also chill af, he will only really become jelly if you’re flirting with someone else, but if they’re flirting with you he does not care unless you’re uncomfortable

Sniper: - simultaneously the most chill and anxiety ridden person on earth, the way he can go from 1 - 100 in five seconds should be studied - it takes him a VERY long time to actually warm up to you, let alone DATE you, so be wary that you’re in it for the long haul if you want this man - the first 6 months of dating are torturous for the both of you, he is far too nervous to touch you and instead of telling you this he will literally just ignore you, but once you start being physical he is one of the most touchy mercs - you will have to be the initiator in most situations until he becomes more comfortable with affection, this man has spent most of his adult life in a van isolated from society so its no kidding that he would be awkward with you (even though he adores you) - “love, babe, darling, honey” generic nicknames, if he’s feeling more comfortable he’ll use “sweetheart” or “roo” if you’re getting on his nerves - he doesn’t do dates. like sorry to burst your bubble but he would consider eating dinner together in his van or even just having a bath together a date - extremely jealous but will never admit it and it is VERY obvious. this could be said for most of his feelings though and reassurance is all he really needs - will spy on you using the scope on his gun during battles, killing enemies who might try to sneak up on you <3

Spy: - spy is by far the MOST romantic merc out of the bunch, will take you out on date nights every week, intimacy regularly, affectionate both in private and public, etc he is the dream - in saying that he is also a player, he needs a partner who can keep him feeling fresh, and someone who is just as cunning as he is - will intentionally try to make you jealous in order to get a gauge on the kind of person you are. he is entirely mind games babe and will play it off as if he doesn’t care about other people trying to flirt with you (he wants to kill them with his bare hands) - he is either going to be obsessed with you or mildly attached, there is no in between and it will be strikingly obvious which it is - often refers to you as “mon amour (my love), beau/belle (handsome/beautiful), mon bébé (my baby)” - most likely enemies to lovers, if you’re good at your job he sees you as competition, if you’re not he sees you as a nuisance, either way you’re initially a problem to him - but then he starts to wonder: why can’t he stop thinking about your skin? and the way you say his name? and the way you bashed that sniper’s brains out? he is smitten without even realising it - occasionally cloaks and follows you around to keep you safe from enemies, but mostly sticks to trying to win the match

Miss Pauling: - if you thought engie or medic were bad you have NO idea with pauling, she quite literally has one day off a YEAR - and you bet your ass she is spending it in bed all day cuddling with you - doesn’t use pet names, she’ll either call you by your last name, or some nickname variation of your first name. she called you “babe” once and cringed so hard she couldn’t even look at you - as much as she doesn’t want to put you in any danger, she LOVES bringing you along for missions. she gets to finish earlier and spend time with you, its a win-win situation - coming home from work and eating dinner with you is the highlight of her day, she could be completely exhausted and yet you bring life back into her with just a smile - yes you had to “fight” scout for her and there was absolutely no competition, he didn’t even know you two were together until she rolled her eyes and kissed you in front of him (he was surprisingly supportive) - she’s far too busy to be jealous, if someone was flirting with you she wouldn’t even notice until it escalated and the person was on the floor with you standing over them triumphantly - she dreams about being able to go on museum dates with you one day, but for now bubble baths, dinners, and morning kisses are all you both get <\3

[rainbowroadonsteroids]

TF2 Mercs Playing Splatoon

Personally I like to think all nine mercenaries would play Splatoon, whether they play it a lot, or a little, and I've spent a little too much time on this, so enjoy my headcanons lmfao.

Scout would definitely play the most of this game, outside of Pyro. As in, not even a year after the release, he already has 1,250 hours invested in the game, roughly. Now at first he spent that time in Story Mode, and has gone so far to essentially 1,000% complete the campaign. Once he did that, he focused on online play, and has been a beast in it.

His main weapon is the Dark Tetra Dualies, as he likes how lightweight and quick they are, and loves the quad dodge roll that comes with it. His gear's ability chunks are split 50/50, being half Run Speed up and half Swim Speed Up, as that's how he likes it. He typically goes between Turf War, Rainmaker, and Splat Zones, with his favorite being Rainmaker. He also does like the occasional round or two... or five of Salmon Run. As for how he is as a player, I'd say he's a good teammate, though sometimes he spam booyahs/ouches. Not fully active in Splatfests unless they really interest him.

Heavy doesn't play too much of the game... so to speak. He only plays a few hours every few days but damn is he serious about it. Like Scout and some of the other mercs he started off just playing Story Mode, namely to get the Secret Kettle icon cuz bear. He has maybe 500 hours in the game, so a lot but nothing to compare to Scout.

His main weapon is the Heavy Splatling, though he goes between that and the Ballpoint Splatling. But the Heavy Splatling reminds him of Sasha in some ways so that's why he almost exclusively plays that. He doesn't exactly dress for fashion in the game but definitely wears the Teddy Band. Honestly he probably has a slight moment of silliness and wears the Fresh Fish Gloves and Feet as well as the Teddy band, just to look a little silly. He either does Turf War or Splat Zones, and sometimes Tower Control, but it depends on his mood. He plays Salmon Run sparingly. He's an amazing teammate, and even if he's serious he loves getting in on Squid Parties. He's participated in every Splatfest thus far, being in the following teams: Rock, Gear, Fire, Sour, Milk Chocolate, and as of the upcoming Splatfest he would go Bigfoot.

Spy mainly plays to spite Scout I won't lie. Does not play as much as his son Scout but he does play enough to have left an impact. Pretty good at the game but also infuriating to go up against. Has not touched Story Mode nor does he care to play it, though the lore does intrigue him a bit.

His main weapon is the Undercover Brella, for more obvious reasons shall I say. He will not use any other weapon because he deems most of them as "too messy", though contradicts himself through occasionally using a different Brella. He's flashy, hence why he's spent so much Gold on Toni Kensa clothing. And while Toni Kensa clothing does not normally have either Ninja Squid or Stealth Jump as its main abilities, he knows how to work around it to make it happen, that way he's stylish, flashy, and sneaky. He usually finds himself playing either Rainmaker or Tower Control for the sneaky aspect, plus he's good at fucking with people in Rainmaker. He's a good teammate but does not communicate all too often, and hates Squid Partying. He's only participated in the Food Sensation and Chocolate Splatfests. being a part of Team Sweet and Team Dark Chocolate, his reasoning for it being the seductive nature of the foods... hence why Scout did not play in either of those Splatfests.

Sniper plays quite a bit. I mean quite a bit. Not as much as Scout or Pyro but more than Heavy. Healthy... unhealthy medium. Fucking insufferable to play against because of his accuracy. He half plays Story Mode but isn't too into it, still thinks it's cool though.

He has a preferred weapon but not really a main. His preferred weapon is between the E-Litre 4K, or E-Litre 4K Scope. However, he's trying to get 5 stars with every available Charger or Scope weapon in the game. He will occasionally play just a regular Shooter, but prefers Chargers and Scopes. As for clothing he tries to match it to what he wears, or he'll make himself fruity to get a giggle out of it. He prefers Turf War and Tower Control, though very rarely does Splat Zones or Rainmaker, never Clam Blitz. By God he is a force to be reckoned with, and is genuinely horrifying in matches. But he is respectful, never Squidbags and always Booyahs back as well, though if someone Squidbags him he comes back for a kill like a goddamn wild animal. Not really into Salmon Run, and was on the Team Gear for the first official Splatfest of the game.

Soldier plays a bit but is a bit regimented with how he plays. He plays a few hours every few days but that's about it, has done everything you can do in Story Mode and keeps replaying it because he likes it, he likes the idea of being in a secret military.

He absolutely loves the Hero Shot Replica and that, outside of the Splattershot Jr., is the only weapon he plays, and he's very good at it. His clothing is just the Hero Armor Replica, and he doesn't have any clothing outside of that, not counting the clothing given as default. He loves Turf War and Clam Blitz, Clam Blitz because it reminds him of American Football, and we know how he is about patriotism. He doesn't like the other three ranked modes because he thinks they're a bit too annoying, and he has a legit hatred of Tower Control. He's a good teammate, though does sometimes Squidbag a maggot (as per his words), and usually he feels the wrath later on. He likes Salmon Run, and outside of Turf War or Clam Blitz that's all he'll play. He's participated in every Splatfest so far, and has been on the following teams: Scissors, Gear, Water, Sweet, and Milk Chocolate.

Demoman plays quite a bit and half the time... er... all the time he's drunk, but is still a powerhouse in the game. He hasn't played Story Mode but will listen to Pyro ramble on about it, he doesn't mind, he just has trouble focusing on the actual story. A smidge insufferable to play against.

His main weapons are the Explosher and Clash Blaster due to the fact they're quick and decently deadly. His clothing in game is anything to mimic his mercenary outfit, definitely has the Wharfside Cap, everything else is just random for him, though he wishes there would be an eyepatch head item. Mainly ever plays Rainmaker, though does play Splat Zones on occasion. He is a toxic player in the Squidbagging sense. He Squidbags everyone he kills and tends to feel the wrath within 10 seconds of that happening. Plus he does Squid Party in Anarchy sometimes which is an unspoked, or loudly spoken No-No. He does play Salmon Run quite a bit and loves Big Run, though he's not the best at it. Hasn't participated in any Splatfest yet but obviously would be on Team Nessie.

Medic plays quite a bit but is a bit infrequent with how long he plays, sometimes playing an ungodly amount in one day or just like an hours worth. He hasn't played Story Mode as he can't find the time to so instead he just does whatever, or tries to play Story Mode and gets interrupted.

His main weapon is the Splatana Stamper due to it looking like a saw, though he's become slightly partial to the .96 Gal Deco. He kind of just wears whatever since there's not really doctor clothing in the game, and he'd heavily prefer something so he gets to look like a creepy doctor or a similar concept. Right now he's settled for looking like a witch. He usually plays Turf War or Tower Control when he does play, but he heavily prefers Turf War. Yet somehow he's X Rank in Anarchy. He's a very friendly player but does love Squidbagging to piss people off lmao. He plays Salmon Run very seldom, but when he does it's for a little too long in his day. He's only participated in two Splatfests, being on Team Spicy and Team White Chocolate.

Pyro has way more hours than Scout, at around 1,790 so far. They play this game day and night and it has slightly become their personality, which they admit. They've fully completed Story Mode and has cleared the Secret Kettle, and they've found little secrets in the game too.

Their main weapon is between both the regular and Neo classes of the Splash-o-Matic and Sploosh-o-Matic, with the Sploosh-o-Matic being their favorite by far. They try to match their gear in game to their gear outside of the game, which they've done a good job at. They play every Anarchy Mode alongside Turf War, but they do love Splat Zones. They're not a competitive player but at the same time you can't really tell based on how well they play. They're very friendly too, and tend to send friend requests after battles. They also love Salmon Run, having binged that as well. They've participated in all the Splatfests so far, being on the following teams: Team Paper, Team Fun, Team Grass, Team Sour, and Team Milk Chocolate. As for the upcoming Splatfest they would be on Team Aliens.

Last but not least, Engineer does not play Splatoon all to often, only really playing it with Pyro. He has the least amount of hours at maybe 60 if we're being generous. He hasn't played Story Mode, genuinely just playing the game so Pyro has a gaming buddy.

Despite this, his main weapon is the Dynamo Roller, as he likes how powerful it is. He's very good with the weapon, and usually gets a lot of splats in a game. Since he isn't online much he doesn't have a favorite mode, and just kind of plays whatever Pyro wants to, and that's about it. He also doesn't really care what he wears in game so he looks a little goofy lol. He has no opinion on Salmon Run either, still just playing it so Pyro has someone to game with. And with Splatfests, he's been on the same teams as his mysterious friend and hasn't deviated.

[atbussysparks]

Tf2 merc cat breeds bc I'm stronger than My trazodone:

Spy: purebred chartreux.

Absolutely only accepts certains brands of wet food

Sneaks up on rats and kills them stealthily and successfully, but refuses to eat them. Like Garfield!

I would argue that him killing rats is like killing his own kind (because he's french) and I just found out I'm not at all "France-french" just america french. Thank GOD

Demoman: caracal/domestic shorthair

I just wanted him to be big floppa

Carries around scout like a designer bag bc he likes to collect silly little fellas

Crazyass, cannot be contained. They like what they do and they only do what they like. But known for periods of aggression

No regulation when it comes to food

They make a family and stick by it. They will also bite that family

Scout: small Bengal/chartreux.

Perfect scout breed. Energetic, playful, cocky, attached to people, jumpy, fast and relatively strong.

Eats radioactive catnip

Embodies every goofy ass cat picture in existence. I'm drawing him as jinx as we speak.

Heavy: Ussuri/ Maine coon

Also kind of collects little guys

Big as hell for no damn reason

In my experience Maine coons are also intelligent and resourceful, but love solving problems by destroying them.

Medic: German rex/Abyssinian

There are barely any German breeds got damn.

Can be mistaken as not harmful but they're balls to the walls

The Abyssinian part is only funny if you read or seen felidae, which you probably shouldn't cuz that shit was weird

engineer: American curl

Short haired, and kinda look like they have goggles on

People oriented, like a Texan, good temper, unlike a Texan, and smarty smort

Unrelated but engi reminds me of Hank hill because of my unrelenting obsessive fascinations and borderline mania over king of the hill.

Pyro: raccoon???

makes occasional noises that can be vaguely interpreted at speech. scout can sometimes understand. Heavy recognizes some noises too, but notices that they make other noises that are not known to this world.

He has no rules, no boundaries, he doesn't flinch at torture, human trafficking, or genocide. He's not loyal to a flag or country or any set of ideals.he trades blood for money.

Soldier: Bombay/pixie bob

Sounds like bombastic, which these breeds are.

MUG ROOT BEER BLOODED AMERICAN

They will yell at you until an order is carried out

Went on a killing spree in Poland. He did what was truly right in the eyes of God, who did not create the polish.

Sniper: American wirehair

Quiet, reserved, calculative. Doesn't bode well with people unless they get to know them quite well. Very skilled hunters.

When they're not being intelligent they piss on stuff and have exactly two braincells that occasionally rub together and form a coherent thought.

There's one that hangs around my mawmaws house and when I pet it that bitch greasy AS FUCK. very much like snoiper!

[some-pers0n]

infodump about tf2 ships por favor

i am very curious about the silly violent gay old men

You have no idea what you've just unleashed. You just asked me, the person who has to have an opinion on borderline everything, my thoughts and feelings on the ships for the game I've been hyperfixating on for over half a year.

This is gonna be probably a long one full of unhinged and disjointed rambles about Science Party, so click if you wanna see that. I love rambling about TF2 and these guys, which is funny since 99% of this is me being delusional and making stuff up (despite talking about it like it's canon).

Now, I should put something here first and foremost. I don't actually...ship any of the characters romantically that much. Even my OTP is literally a queer-platonic pairing. It's mostly because I see the mercs as all being good buddy chum friends, despite them all being queer as hell. Yes, I love and reblog ship art and ship discussions like a madman, but I think my aro/ace brain just likes thinking of them more as all being pals. Also doesn't help I headcanon a third of them as being aro/ace (though only one is negative/repulsed by romance and sex, the others are neutral and positive respectively).

I suppose let's start off with the ship that's entirely rotted my brain: Science Party, or Engie/Medic. I don't think I've quite been this obsessed over a relationship as I've been with this one. Like,, any other ship I've encountered, I either like or don't like them. If I like them, I feel inclined to make content about it and just have some fun with this.

Not with this. I think this is the only ship I've ever encountered that I actually 'ship' with how passionate and in-love with it I am about it. It's quite fun and has lead me to start writing my newest longfic as well.

Science Party I just...adore. The dynamic of two evil geniuses together already ignites a neuron in my brain, but there's more to it. Medic is an unhinged and impulsive wildcard that does anything that crosses his mind. He's got an extremely inflated ego and a pretty big god complex. Then, you got Engie, who is like Medic in every regard as well. The catch is that he's a bit more controlled. Don't mistake that for him being more sane or anything though. I feel like he admires Medic for just dropping everything and not giving a shit about looks or appearances, instead being his true, uninhibited self.

Then you get to the interactions and just...me little heart... I've always envisioned Medic as being an uncaring and apathetic guy when it comes to others and their concerns. Low empathy, if you will. However, as his relationship grows with Engie, he begins to care about him just a smidge more, which is saying a lot for Mr. The Healing Is Not As Rewarding As The Hurting. He cares about Engie, enough so to be partners with him rather than friends.

Oh, I should also probably explain that a bit. Medic doesn't exactly like being 'friends' with people, so instead he's partners with Engie. I like the word, partners. If you also notice, I only use the word 'partner' in SAR whenever I'm referring to their relationship.

Anyways, Engie helps Medic open up and feel a bit more. But how does Medic help Engie? Well, I feel by being his unhinged and 'he has 57 mental illnesses and is banned in most public spaces' self, Engie sees somebody he wants to be. Medic doesn't care. He is happy and unchained by responsibilities and a commitment to be a functioning member of society. I could go into why Medic feels this way, but I'll probably end up just saying something along the lines of: "SOCIETY! SOCIETY!!!"

So, Engie has got some issues for lack of a better term. Even as a merc, Engie likes keeping up that mask of being a light-hearted good ol' Texan. He likes that persona, not only because it's the one he's always used but it's just a nice, likeable personality, but he also likes the idea of just going 'fuck it, we ball' like Medic. Medic encourages him to be more creative and detach from that sort of mindset. He tells him that he should do what makes him happy as opposed to doing what his family wants him to do.

They're just...really nice together. I don't know how else to put it. I always saw them as really similar in that regard, both being intelligent and highly regarded members of the team for their supportive roles. Beyond that, they're both clearly nuts in a similar way. They're just...the sillies. I love them.

I've got a lot of opinions on a bunch of other ships, but that's a discussion for another time (or until somebody pokes me about them). Science Party is the one I feel the most about by far, though.

[poetryfromnowhere]

I proposed, you asked, and you shall receive. I present to you: my tf2 streamer au:

Basically all of the mercs are content creators on twitch and/or YouTube, and even though they all make different kinds of content, they still have a house together.

They also have a shared channel called “TeuFortress” where they put up videos all together.

Scout; ScoutGaming

Makes gaming videos and a few prank and challenge videos every once in a while

Crippling Bonk! addiction, to the point where he’s basically the face of the brand and they sponsor him all the time.

Has a tendency to show up randomly on other people’s streams and videos, even if he was very much intended to not be a part of it.

ADHD-riddled

He also has a bi-weekly movie club with Sniper and Demo, they are usually intoxicated.

Demoman; BombsandShots

Makes video essays and gaming streams, but his gimmick is that he’s always drinking through it, which makes it a lot more entertaining. (he also makes sure that his viewers know that he’s drinking responsibly, and his friends are on standby if needed)

The video essays are mostly about mythology and folklore, but he will also make them about random topics he got really into last night.

Is seen in the background of other people’s videos, never actively participating, just vibing

Sniper; BushmanSurvival

Makes tutorials on how to survive in the wild, but his thick accent and generally deep and rough voice makes it really difficult to follow along with them

His tutorials are also increasingly ridiculous, because no one just has a serrated box knife just lying around, wtf are you even saying dude???

He’ll sometimes bring one or two of the others on short camping trips (usually Scout), and they always complain about the insane distance he makes them walk

He also joins Demo on stream sometimes, but he’s high instead of drunk.

Engineer; EasyEngineering

Makes both building tutorials and just “hey look what I built!” videos. His gentle demeanor and frightening intelligence makes for very interesting and cool videos.

He’s the only one in the house that doesn’t swear, which makes him a prime target for peer pressure and pranks, but if you push him too far you’ll wake up with beans in your bed.

every once in a while he’ll make a tutorial on how to make the perfect prime rib or something like that, just good ole’ cooking!

Heavy; HeavyBooks

He makes book reviews, but all of the books are in russian and basically don’t exist in english, that added with his limited english makes his reviews very difficult to understand, but his smooth deep voice and calm way of speaking makes for great background noise.

He also has an incredibly dedicated fanbase that are genuinely so interested in what he has to say about the books he has read.

Every other week or so he also hosts a book club for the whole group, where they all read different books, but talk about them like they’re reading the same one. They’re also all drinking out of teacups, but the liquids in them vary.

Medics wife<3

Medic; BreadandBacteria

Makes cooking and video essay videos about the (horribly incorrect) history of medicine.

His cooking videos are so bizarre and borderline nightmare fuel, that people think they’re an ARG. They’re not, he’s just fucking weird. he does shit like add blood instead of eggs into his bread. It looks like it’s straight out of Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared or something.

The video essays are just as weird, and most of his fanbase are 100%sure that he’s not a real person, that he’s a character that was made up to be Like ThatTM

Heavys wife<3

Pyro; Pyroland<3

They make reviews on toys and video essays about cartoons, true crime and other silly stuff!

Their first video that blew up was a video essay about MLP, so the amount of whiplash that their fanbase experienced when they published their first true crime video was almost deadly.

They do wear the mask at all times in their videos, but they have subtitles that show what they’re actually saying, and what they’re actually saying is so grammatically correct and well spoken, it almost scares people.

Their fanbase loves their silliness, even though they dip into uncanny valley territory with their behavior a lot.

Spy; KnivesandRoses

He mostly makes videos on how to behave like a gentleman, treat women and etiquette in general. They’re surprisingly effective, and he’s regarded by his fans as the better Andrew Tate because he’s preaching about women like they’re something borderline godlike, something that measly mortals like men aren’t great enough to even be in the presence of.

He also makes reviews of fancy stuff like wine and suits.

He’s still Scout’s dad, and they’re aware of it, even make jokes about it.

Soldier; TheSoldier

He literally only makes video essays about the “true” world history, and sometimes he also makes training videos for raccoons. Sgt. Bites is very well loved in his fanbase.

No one really knows how he managed to get as big as he is, but to be fair, he’s very entertaining to watch.

He’s also the only one in the group that is considered problematic, but it’s only because of his violent dislike of non-Americans, at first people thought that it was only towards POC, but then he talked about how much he hates Europeans because they’re not American and all of the concerns sorta disappeared.

Miss Pauling

She’s their manager/agent and they love her a lot.

She’s very busy and stressed out most of the time, but she also loves her job and the gang, so she’ll put up with it.

Hey, how interested would people be if I made a tf2 streamer au? I’m asking because I’ve already made one but I wanna know if I should post it.

(please guys, my autism is starting to leak out of my brain)

[thebigcomed0wn]

so glad you asked 

note that a few of these might have been more accurate not laying down but they were really unclear suspended in the air so i did my best kind of. also i wont make u scroll through the whole post so the rest not shown are under the cut

SNIPER: 1/10. my guy looks like a solid panini with a slight dip in his actual legs. like gumby. no bones motherfucker took 5 minutes to actually get like this because he keeps wiggling out of his own body. the most of a solid, continuous shape ive ever seen in my life

DEMO: i would have showed his face but it was completely drained of blood so i felt bad. 3/10 hes trying and it is better than the other two. all of his mass went straight to his chest like johnny bravo 

ENGIE: 4/10, his ass isnt as triangular as demo, who you can see shedding like a reptile on the bottom right, king im so sorry they made you white

MEDIC: ????/10 i couldnt move his coat but im of the impression hes secretly bad under the actual coat like the tiktok of the guy saying my mom said i wasnt allowed to burn trash and then hes caked up, i think medic is like that, but i am a silly guy on the internet so feel free to stone me 

HEAVY: i couldnt get him to sit straight. no matter what. laying down or sitting up his chest cavity would jsut collapse. giving him a 5/10 for posterity. hes strutting. 

SPY: 0/10 thats so sad its like someone ran over him with one of the carts while he was out playing golf like the rich old man he is. deducting one more point for the fact hed play golf. -1/10 

SCOUT: 3.5/10 for the curvature, i think spy being like that ^ and his mom being like That just absolutely canceled out, id give him another point for potential but he doesnt really deserve it. big slappy

honorary mention for merasmus who crashed my game when i loaded him in but the last thing i saw was how fucking large his model is

haha you thought i was done, no, there is one merc left unraveled. in the year of our lord the merc with arguably the most cake.

PYRO: 10/10 look at this mfer and how they arch their back they know they beat every guy in this desert by miles fuckin look at this sick ass pyro tf2 and their EPIC CAKE pyro tf2 the BADDEST BITCH IN THE DUST BOWL huddah huddah amirite fellas good lord 

[mangleschmidt]

DRV3 Boys playing TF2 Headcanons

(First made long before the F2P mute and bot crisis but I added the bot crisis)

Me and my bro made up many scenarios AND cosmetics for the class (my brother mostly help me with the idea)

I originally have the terminologies explained like market gardening, friendly and such but cut it because it’s getting too long. If you want the terminologies, you can tell me. Btw, I’m not an imagines blog, just doing this one for fun.

Kaito Momota

Main: Soldier

Thrilled to play this game, saying that's very manly and it's one of the coolest games yet

He, along with Kaede (and to an extend, Chiaki), are the ones who introduced the game to the class

Was a scout main at first and likes the scout unironically

A terrible tryhard warpig soldier

Saw a rocket jumping soldier at a High-tower map and wanted to imitate that, almost like he's blasting to space

Watch this guy try to market garden someone and then get fucking rekt by a Medic of all classes

He just dies, a lot, which is frustrating and his team gets mad at him

Kaito gets better at it fortunately, but it's a painfully slow process

You'll be lucky if he decides to go back to Scout in a round lmao

Rages in chat or voice but is the best cheerleader you can have in your team, he never actually shits on you for being shit on the game

There's that one time where Kaito got the Rocket Jumper from a drop, fired it at an enemy, got angry how it didn't worked, realized it doesn't do damage and embarrassed himself

Gets a bit pissy when no one is doing the objective so he avoids the maps Hightower and 2fort most of the time

Capture the flag and payload races mostly pisses him off for the same reason (tho he would go to Hightower for the sick rocket jumps)

So he doesn't like friendlies (but he may or may not, you know, do the conga, rock paper scissors, mannrobics, kazotsky kick-)

Anything that looks cool and manly cosmetics, but mostly you'll see him decked with space cosmetics

Bonus: Avoids Full Moon and Scream Fortress, is obviously afraid but he gives Alien Invasion a shot when it comes up, loves it. Also like Doomsday

Rantaro Amami

Main: Engineer

Everyone seems to be like it so why not give it a shot?

He got invested and also found the trading system

Rantaro usually plays engineer but is willing to change classes if the team needs a class

Is at least good at every other class

Rarely does turtling or battle engie but enjoys doing it with the other engies for laughs, and is very good at battle engie

Some people confused him with Uncle Dane

Hc that Rantaro looks up to Uncle Dane

Imagine Rantaro and Uncle Dane having a collab, that would be sick as fuck

Casual and competitive but more casual, often plays in community servers

That type of person who voice chats

Rantaro is one of the ones who would help his classmates play, along with Kaito. Imagine him like in a server with Kaito and Gonta, helping Gonta how to play and Avocado and Space boy act as a translator while Bug boy plays cutely

Doesn't mind friendlies, he chills with them a lot and he is easily well liked by the community

Some even suggested him to make a tf2 youtube channel

Has an unusual hat, making him look like a pro, has a lot of medic girlfriends because of this

One of the two reasons why the whole class have a wide array of cosmetics

Gonta Gokuhara

Main: Medic

At first he doesn't like how violent the game is

But since this violence is just for fun and in game and no one is actually getting hurt and dead so he's at least convinced

Still wants to play passively so Gonta goes with Medic, healing and helping his team seems to be a fitting choice!

The game is not too complex so he learns easily... i-in a way

Best boy learns fast, he should be fine

He's definitely that type of Medic who would go to someone when they press the E key and whoever is near him

Doesn't know where to look most of the time, gets lost easily to big maps like the control points

Gonta still has a firm grasp on what to do, like if he noticed that someone is in low health, he'll heal them immediately without needing the 'e', build up uber, spy check the patient, and never heal spies when they're disguised

Can't aim for shit, though he supposedly gets better at it with the crusader's crossbow

He sometimes would accidentally forget to pop when it's necessary and then die

"Danke!" Says that a lot

He doesn't play a lot despite having fun, he's an outdoor type of guy

Absolutely LOVES friendlies and just loves it when someone just stops, does the conga taunt and everyone follows, creating a conga line (until someone kills them all but it's all in good fun!) He loves silly servers

Is honestly surprised that there’s even such thing as silly servers and friendlies, thought it’s all blood and gore (he sometimes switch to pyro vision googles to avoid gore)

Sometimes plays as Heavy for the protecting part and the friendly Hoovy part for this reason

Anything fancy for the cosmetics, especially for hats the Gentleman's Gabsy or the Vintage Tyrolean (a good cosmetic for a good gentleman!)

Has a lot of cosmetics like Rantaro and trades them with the class

Bonus: Isn't fond of Banana Bay and the Second Banana... because banana

Kokichi Ouma

Main: None (most played: Scout)

Bold of you to assumed he never played this game before

... or is it a lie?

Needless to say he likes it for the cartoony and chaotic vibe of the game

Switches between the 9 classes, even if there's 5 spies he'll be the 6th one

He'd be that Medic who would leave the others to die, Scout that steals sandwiches from Heavy that's meant for the dying Medic and so forth

He might as well pretend to be a sniper bot

Chaos incarnate

This is the fucker who spams E and X+5 (Place the dispenser)

Also taunts in every kill

When he's on a losing team, he would try to bind kill right before the time is up or taunt kill in humiliation, sometimes works

Actually really good at the game, he's one of the very few people who picked up very quickly

Though he fooled Gonta once as a disguised enemy spy. He got rekt when they both noticed the achievement

Also dominated someone so badly that they immediately rage quit, another achievement

Another "you'll be lucky if he plays seriously" which is rare

Is definitely on a 30+ killstreak

People would sometimes thought he’s a squeaker (a kid who rages in voice chat) so he just fucks around with them and then just pulls a no u card

Neutral opinion on friendlies though he gets bored when no one is doing the objective or any action happening so he burns them all and watches them get mad in the chat

Obnoxious combos of cosmetics that you can easily recognize that purple neon Scunt from afar even if he's under an alias

Korekiyo Shinguuji

Main: Spy/Sniper

Not interested at first but is interested when others play and hovers over their shoulders to watch

While watching Gonta and Kiibo playing with the friendlies, he got interested

You don't see that in a lot of fps games

Korekiyo looks like an edgy sniper/spy main who just watches the chaos enveloping from the distance and getting headshots/backstabs out of nowhere

He's very calm and collective despite the crazy amount of chaos and all the deafening sounds of the vc

It's amusing to him, he even find the Administrator interesting and would sometimes go into many modes to hear her voice tone changes and a lot of behaviors of many players too

He even noticed the voice lines of the mercs and got invested in the lore of Team Fortress 2

Korekiyo still does his job in the game but can sometimes be interpreted as him in afk, almost got him kicked

Though he does get kicked for the being good at sniper, people getting butt hurt and called him a hacker

Also an amazing spy checker

Is interested about friendlies, he would come up to them close and observe them and he plays along with the taunts

He got really interested to see this "culture", like how most of the players collectively decides to play silly, serious or both, resulting him trying out almost every game mode and map there is

Unironically loves 2fort, Hightower, Suijin and Degroot Keep

Often joins community servers and silly servers but will do casual/pub servers whenever he feels like it

Something that resembles him irl, he looks edgy with the mask tbh

Other than that, his cosmetics changes depending on what mood or observation he wants to do

Ryoma Hoshi

Main: None (most played: Demoman)

Convinced by Kaito into playing

Not that much actually

Mediocre at best, he’s just doing his own thing

Definitely would stick around even if there’s one person in the server

Imagine getting killed by a Medic as a Demoknight in a melee fight with a shit weapon Do No Harm, couldn’t be me... or Ryoma

Likely plays Passtime

He will never admit it but he finds the ragdolls in the game funny

Also unironically likes the Scout

Demoknight tf2

God, imagine Ryoma has demonknight speed, combine it with his own speed and Solarlight skills, he’d be infinitely flying across all maps and go beyond the skybox

Ryoma too strong pls nerf

Doesn't play it often, not really his thing

Doesn’t mind friendlies, honestly surprised that there’s even such thing as one

Doesn't customize himself, though he likes the animal cosmetics

I apologize to the Ryoma fans out there for this being short

Shuichi Saihara

Main: None (most played: Spy)

Also doesn't see the appeal, but convinced by Kaito into playing

When he played the game for the first time, every time he dies, he switch to a class just to test them out

It’s too much for him, please hold him

Probably fell off a cliff several times-

Imagine the sheer amount of panic he feels when playing any class, especially Medic since Medic is a death magnet

Rockets, explosives, bullets, fire, blood and ragdolls everywhere! ... oh hey why is that guy just crouching with a melee?

He gets the hang of it over time

One of the best spy checker there is as well, not only as Pyro, though he feels sorry for the new spies (or newbies in general) so he tries to teach them the best way he can

The server kicked him for using hacks to find spies but for him, it’s obvious???

He usually plays the class whatever the team needs at the moment

Hard reads are strong in this one

Sushi likes the friendlies, chills with them a lot :>

Doesn’t customized himself, Kaito’s the one who helped him with it

K1-B0

Main: None (most played: Heavy)

Tries it out

It's ok I guess

He also doesn't have a main because he'll try to accommodate in which class is needed

If the whole team is like a full house of cards (in a 4 snipers, 5 engies type of way, you get the idea), he'll mostly go for the Medic since he knows it's vital for a team to have a Medic

There's rarely any Medics or Heavies in the start of the round, are they an endangered species??

He might start an event or something dedicating to the two classes

It never goes well despite Keebo's efforts in those, let's be honest

Though sometimes the team has like three Medics, the poor boy is confused

He's actually doing alright with all the class

The bot problem, oh god the bot problem

So there's that one time where the Myg0t bot joined, the enemy team said in the chat about kicking the bot

Well... obviously this made Keebo upset, as he thought they were referring to him

The server thought Keebo was trolling when he said something about him being a robot and saying that they're being robophobic... and sending them to court-

By some kind of miracle, the server liked Keebo because of this so he wasn't kicked out but he's incredibly salty throughout the match

"The server is robophobic" "Keebo, they were referring to the aimbots, they weren't robophobic" "... What Aimbots?"

His classmates were able to explain with videos and experiences, and also told him about several other types of bots that ruins the fun, which made Keebo embarrassed for having the wrong assumption

Though he still gets offended whenever it happens-

Like Kaito, he also doesn't like friendlies, insisting that that it's not how really play the game, though is guilty in pre-game conga lines, mannrobics and kazotski taunts, he likes the mannrobics

Bonus: Does NOT like the bot deco and is conflicted with the Mann vs Machine game mode

[charlyoddsox27]

its 6am, i havent slept, im bored, so im posting a list of the mercs in order of whom i like the most and reasons why, because thats something i should do i guess?

here goes

(spoilers for the comics down below but either way i think im the only person on earth who has never read them before now)

~~~

~~1. Medic~~

reasons for being my favourite:

• fucking. look. at. him. 👌

• 'mad german doctor' is one of my favourite tropes and he is a pretty bang-on satirical depiction of it

• cute-ass german accent

• he has pet pidgeons hE LOVES HIS PIDGEON PALS THEY KEEP HIM COMPANY

• healers are the most respectable class imo and since Medic pretty much started it he's automatically the best, thats how it works right?

• he sold some random persons soul to satan in exchange for a ***ballpoint pen*** and can i just say, fucking mood??? (he is literally the "i'd sell you to satan for one cornchip" meme)

• "yes, Archimedes...I couldn't agree more." *shudders* b oi .. .

• so many more reasons to love this gross old doctor so little room in Tumblrs posts.

~~2. Spy~~

reasons for being my second favourite:

• cranky, done with everyones shit, just wants to be left alone, fucking mood

• he's a spy i mean c'mon. look at the swanky-ass suit, look at the class radiating from this asshole.

• he may be a dick but he has a soft side he's just too jaded to show it most of the time (see: Scouts death in the comics?? real tears. honestly wish they'd panned that out more.)

• masks are hot tbFH--

• he enjoys a nice glass of whisky by the fireplace and so do i (fun fact: france is the biggest importer of scottish whisky in the world so its a nice touch)

• shapeshifting is fucking cool are you serious like he can just. do that. what a legend

• "i have a cyanide pill in one of my molars, if i break it then spit some in your mouth before i die, we can avoid being tortured." *'heavy' bursts in to save them* "PFFTHBTHF--"

• "SEDUCE ME."

• arrogant frenchman is one of my other favourite tropes and this is the most arrogant frenchman ive ever seen

• he's the only fully sane Merc, maybe apart from Engie.

• people love to hate him bc he's an asshole but...come on. after working with all those other weirdos for years, you'd be pretty jaded too.

• as a gross shipper, he's the easiest and the most fun (imo) to ship with Medic (rip me)

~~3. Pyro~~

reasons for being my third favourite:

• would have tied with Soldier if it werent for that one picture of them in the comics holding a puppy over their head with the most adoring expression on their mask??? good Pyro. goodest Pyro.

• doesn't do much in the comics but makes up for it in pure charm. look at that soulless face and tell me you dont love it.

• ambiguous gender ambiguous gender amBIGUOUS GENDER AMBIGUOUS GENDER. she/he/they? trans? nb? whatever you headcanon, it'll never be confirmed so its literally up to your own imagination. fucking ace, Valve 👌👌👌

• likes to burn things. god damnit. they like to burn things, guys. but they enjoy it so much, you just cant hate them, you can only feel a sympathetic joy that this precious lunatic is having fun in their own little world.

• canonically mentally ill (schizoprenia? it could be hallucinogenic drugs but i like to think its schizophrenia.)

• pretty sure they burned a pair of pedophiles in the comics. at least i think thats what those panels were insinuating. "lets open an orphanage and have an endless supply of kids to--" sounds pretty red-flaggy to me tbh. plus they were the villains so, eh?

• bludgeoned a bear to death until its skull was pulp because it insulted their special interest. you go, Pyro.

• for a few bits in the comics they have a really cute family dynamic going on with other Mercs, Soldier for example."Miss Pauling, Pyros on my side of the car." "Miss Pauling, Pyro cut off my hand." fuckin' cuties.

• when they start putting on like 50 shirts to keep warm in the Russian mountains. chubby.

• a gas mask that can function as both badass, and completely adorable.

• just. everything about them. how could you not love them. they're not in the wrong, you are. stay away from my misunderstood child and let them burn things god damnit.

~~4. Soldier~~

look I'm sorry, I love Soldier and he was gonna be tied with Pyro but that fucking puppy drawing sold me.

• absolute gold every second he speaks. he could sneeze and i'll laugh.

• such a dumbass you cant get annoyed at him for it. like. just agree with him and move on. no point reasoning with a boulder. "haha! silly Miss Pauling, thinking theres different types of blood." Medic: "haha yes! indeed, silly."

• HUTTAH *NECK SNAP*

• i'm not American and even i can see how blatantly his character mocks stereotypical Patriotic Americans™. but its so dumb and laughable, its adorable.

• EVERYTHING ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH ZHANNA IS A BLESSING. EVERYTHING.

• the first "meet the Mercs" video i ever saw was "meet the Soldier" so he holds a special place in my heart

• (preaches about experiencing the horrors of war; has never actually been to war. shh dont tell anyone though--) *neck gets snapped*

~~5. Demoman~~

• I'm Scottish. even though his accent is absolute garbage (no offense to the VA), any representation is very nice.

• Black AND Scottish?? i mean has a character like that even existed before TF2??? amazing example of representation right there. there are barely even any black people in Scotland, how did this happen. I love it. more of this, please.

• he's a drunk guy who blows shit up for shits and giggles and god I wish I could too, sounds like a miracle stress-reliever.

• his sassy black scottish mother. combining the stereotypical black mother with the stereotypical scottish mother is literally the best thing that ever happened.

• the bit in the comic where Medic explains that Demo can't remember what happened to his eye bc he scooped out part of his brain, and the look on Demo's face. just. the look.

• again, he's scottish, he's stereotypical, and he's awesome.

~~6. Sniper~~

• underrated

• piss jars. piss jars everywhere.

• "no dad, im not a crazed murdering lunatic, I'm an assassin. ...well one's a job and the other's mental sickness!!"

• "meet the Sniper" has kickass music

• ruffled gross old man who isn't actually old, he's just seen some SHIT

• actually given development in the comics + some really good scenes with Spy.

• so suave...so...handsome. handsome ruffled bushman. me like.

• he dies first in the comics but gets brought back and gets a cool-ass scar. and then he's just walking around naked everywhere for the rest of the comic. Medic, where the fuck did you put his clothes.

• isn't actually Australian. thats like one of the biggest twists in the comic. "no wonder i was never inhumanly strong and my chest hair didn't grow into the shape of Australia!!" Classic.

• says "bugger" a lot and i love that word

• he needs a hug, let me hug him. and give him a bath.

~~7. Heavy~~

I'm gonna be crucified for putting the big lad so low but i promise i dont dislike any of the Mercs. he'd be higher up but...ive never really liked big huge tank-men tbh :/

• loveable as fuck

• will murder you if you bully his puny little Medic

• i looove Russian accents omfg

• he like big gun. i can respect that.

• when Medic was killed and he went APESHIT on Classic!Heavy and I lost my fuckin' mind over that shit

• he probably has a soft spot for small cute animals. i love imagining him being swarmed by Medics flock of doves and petting them like "good bird...so many good bird..."

• actually smarter than people give him credit for???

• i really really wish his character was a lil more fleshed out but. that's just me. i love him but he doesn't have the same appeal to me as Medic or Spy.

• his entire relationship with Medic...ugh. yes. best friends and/or boyfriends. all good to me 👌

• he named his gun Sasha and that's adorable

~~8. Engineer~~

• gOD, FUCK, I REALLY WISH HE DID MORE IN THE COMICS. i barely know anything about his character. i like him a lot but...god, he...he doesn't...do.....anything.......

• he built a cool robot arm for himself and AI turrets and teleporter machines and guns that fire magic healing powers and immortality machines, in the 1960s. what. some kind of wizard fuckery is this.

• smoothest voice in the west

• "y'all"

~~9. Scout~~

oh god i really am gonna be crucified. i dont hate him i just. like him the least.

• shitboy

• reminds me of a shitty ex but also kinda relateable in a way

• some genuinely funny bits in the shorts.

• gross horny hetero teen boy with a god complex and serious daddy issues. also, he can't read. the "sex bom" tattoo on his chest will be an eternal testament to that. nice job, Spy. you raised him good.

~~~

hoo boy there we go theres all the boys, all the beautiful boys (and Scout) in order of how much i love them. if i made any errors in my info about the canon, feel free to send me death threats 💙 (no seriously tell me though, being a newbie is embarrassing)

so uh. yeah. that took two hours to write. its now 8am. im still bored lol. bye i guess.