#he's finally started to heal and i am so fucking proud of him i could cry 😭💕💕💕💕💕

[jtownraindancer]

ohhhhh trust me.... i know.........

#hes so dad coded

[unknownplane]

The Court Jester Part 3

Yandere Batfam x GN Reader

Pt. 1, Pt. 2, Pt. 4

The Joker came closer, almost inspecting the job (Y/N) had done. His eyes run over the Bat.

"Good job with the knots, my little Jester. That will keep him there for as long as we want!" The Joker exclaimed with a large grin. "Now, how did you get him here so fast! I must know!"

"I can't tell you, Dad! It would ruin the game. And we love the game!" (Y/N) explained. (Y/N) went up to the Joker and side hugged him. Bruce saw this and started struggling.

"What have you done to them! They said you 'Trained' them! I know you! Tell me now!" Bruce screamed.

The Joker's smile widened as he saw the Bat struggle. "Peanut, would you be so kind and get your dad something to drink? I am absolutely parched." The Joker said with honeyed words.

"Of course, dad!" (Y/N) said, jumping at the opportunity to please their dad. They ran out of the room hoping to get a drink as fast as possible.

"Look at them. I'm so proud of their growth. You know they were so sad when I first met them. They were only 5. They were looking for someone to talk to. Can you believe it, Bruce Wayne, ignoring one of his own while still taking in new kids. Can you imagine how that felt?!" Joker laughed unknowingly rubbing salt in Bruce's wounds.

"It was perfect, you know. Them being in such dire need of affection and not caring who it came from! A perfect opportunity for me to step in and take them away! At first, they resisted. Fought so hard not to succumb! They even called out for you. Did you know that!?" Joker confessed, stunning Bruce. Even after all he did, you still called out to him? You called for your dad, your real dad.

"It took a while to get them like this. Lots of training. Brutal, really. Though nothing I haven't done to you and your birds, just in a shorter period of time." Joker stated as if he was talking about weather and not torture. This shocked Bruce, remembering all the things the Joker did to his family. "How are they alive?!" Batman questioned.

"That's the funny thing, Bat! No matter what I did to them, they wouldn't die! They would get injured, but only a few seconds would pass, and then it would completely heal! I even cut off an arm, and as you can see, they have both now! Amazing, isn't it!" The Joker exclaimed. This stunned Bruce. (M/N)'s child was Meta? No. He would have noticed.

"Now, what is taking that child so long?" The Joker said brazenly.

With (Y/N)...

(Y/N) scrambled around looking for a bottle of water when someone came up behind them. They were suddenly grabbed and restrained. "The fuck!" (Y/N) exclaimed. "Relax it's just me. I'm here to save you." Jason whispered assuming (Y/N) would stop fighting when they heard it was him. (Y/N) struggled to move surprising Jason giving them a little wiggle room. (Y/N) jabbed their elbow into Jason's stomach pushing him back into a coughing fit.

With Jason off them, they turned around. "You aren't supposed to be here, Hood." (Y/N) stated glaring. They move their hands to their hip and pull out a small stick. They hit a button, and it enlarges to become a marotte.

(Y/N) swings at Jason as he tries to dodge, not wanting to hurt his sibling. This goes on until something pierces (Y/N) in the back of their nape. They start slowing down until they pass out.

"Took you long enough." Jason said flatly, going over to (Y/N). "They were putting up more of a fight than we all thought. I needed to get a clean shot." Damian claimed. He was lying to himself. He just wanted to assess how his older sibling fought, and from what he could tell, if they were taking this fight seriously, it wouldn't have ended well. "Let's just get them out of here. The others are waiting." Jason said, knowing that when he got to the manor, he would finally get to be the sibling they needed.

Giddy, he picked them up as if they were the most precious thing in the world and started leaving. "I'll go help dad." Damian said flatly as it seemed like a chore.

With Batman...

"Why? Why would you do those horrible things to a child?!" Bruce questioned. "For fun." The Joker spoke with a wolfish smile.

The door crept open, catching Bruce's eye. He saw his youngest creeping in the room. "You know I believe this is one of the only instances in which I would be willing to kill you." Bruce said, letting Damian he had permission to try and kill the Joker. "Really! I pushed you to that level with this one joke!? How wonderful! I will have to keep this in mind for later! Now, if only that bra -" a sudden gunshot stopped the Joker from finishing his sentence.

Blood rushed from the left side of Joker's face as he fell to the ground dead. "Where is your sibling?!" Bruce questioned with urgency. "They are on their way home with Hood. If we leave right now, we should be able to get there at the same time." Damian informed Bruce. "Good now untie me so we can leave. Your siblings got a mean knot." Bruce commanded.

-------------------------------------------------------

@cooki3dough @asillysimp @kitty-from-daaaa-voidddd @redkarmakai @horror-lover-69 @bat1212 @wisefuncherryblossom

[lovecla]

IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME KNOW | jack hughes.

chapter six:

<last chapter> <next chapter>

➴ warnings: none!!

➴ word count: 4.1k

➴ author’s note: thought it’d be great to give u guys jack’s pov please don’t kill me—or jack. also wanna say thank you to each one of you who take the time to read this series and give me your thoughts abt it. i cannot thank you enough. pls be patient with jacky, he’s just a boy :p nice reading yall!!!

liked by charlieputh, troyesivan, billboard and 3,899,092 others

sophiamontenegro 'rip to my feelings' is out now 🪄 i want to start this by saying thank you to everyone who helped me make this dream of mine come true.

all of the songs here mean the world to me, and i truly hope they help to heal some of you, like they healed me. please, don't let anyone make you feel like you don't deserve good things. you do, all of us do.

thank you grace, thank you john, thank you hannah, a special thank you to charlieputh and a huge thank you to all of you.

View all 8,270 comments

charlieputh You’re a genius and it was my pleasure 💙 congratulations, Soph!

morgan.grace I love you so much I might turn into a puddle. Soph, you’re one of the strongest, sweetest people I’ve ever met and I’m so grateful to call you my best friend. I watched you put so much effort and energy into this, and i am proud. Happy RTMF day 🪦

billboard I am crying, you’re crying, all of us are crying.

user1 i knew this was going to hurt but DAMN Girl what the hell

user2 it’s been hours and I’m still crying because of this goddamn music video. And i HATE charlie puth

user3 user2 NO GIRL BC SAME?? it’s so SAD

user4 Harris Dickinson if i fucking catch you on the streets you’re DONE

user5 off topic but do you guys think any of these songs were written for jack hughes…

user6 user5 honestly no,, soph said this album has been in the making for one year and apparently they just broke up last week?

_quinnhughes Congrats, Soph 👍

sophiamontenegro _quinnhughes thank u, quinny

user43 sophiamontenegro _quinnhughes CHAT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???

— ♡

“HUGHES, the hell was wrong with you today?” Keefe’s voice sounded harsh and angry.

Even though there were two Hughes in the team, everyone knew who the coach was referring to.

“It’s just not a good day,” Jack mumbled, removing his uniform and not bothering to look up.

The locker room was dead silent, so everyone heard Keefe’s scoff. “Not a good day? More like not a good week,” he stepped closer, hands on his hips. “You’ve been off for the entire week and let me tell you something, son, we’re not making it to the Finals with you playing like you did tonight.”

Jack wanted to talk back so bad but deep down he knew Coach was right. He had been playing like shit, ever since that night at your house.

You. Just thinking about you made Jack feel like straight up shit. Something that never happened before.

He is handsome, he has thousands of fans. People paid to watch him play, people wore his jersey proudly. He could have any girl he wanted but still. Everything changed at that dinner, six months ago, when he saw you performing up close for the second time.

At that moment, he was mesmerized by you. Back then, he thought he was just horny and in the need of a good fuck but looking back now he knows that it wasn’t just that. It was something bigger than himself, yet something he couldn’t name.

“I get it, Coach,” Jack muttered, putting on his suit.

“I hope you do, kid, otherwise, you can just say goodbye to your NHL career and the Stanley Cup.” Coach barked before getting out of the locker room.

Ignoring the stares he was getting, Jack moved on autopilot, like he’d been doing the entire week, shoving his things inside his duffel bag and frowning.

“Cap, wanna go out and grab some drinks? I wanna get wasted!” Someone, Jack didn’t care to know who, shouted, talking to Nico.

“‘Can’t today, man,” Nico answered, duffel bag already on his shoulder. “I’m going to a concert tonight.”

That caught Jack’s attention, pulling him back from his thoughts.

“Concert?” He asked, looking at how everyone went quiet and stared at Nico. “Whose concert?”

“Well, you see…” Nico stuttered and somehow, even if he hadn’t said anything, Jack knew exactly whose concert it was. “Just. A singer?”

“Yeah, no shit is a singer, Hischier, I thought we went to concerts to watch electricians doing their shit,” Jack bited back, the frown just bigger now. “Whose concert, Cap?” He said the word like he was mocking Nico and even though he wanted to take that back, he didn’t. Nico was an amazing person and it wasn’t his fault you didn’t want anything to do with Jack anymore.

“Hum, well—”

“For fuck’s sake, man, just spit it out,” Bastian said, rolling his eyes. “We’re going to Soph’s concert. Launching party, whatever.”

“We?” Jack’s eyes doubled in size. “Who else is going?”

“She invited the entire team,” Mercer answered, and Jack could swear he was one step away from passing out. “And Zegras.”

“Yeah, the entire team minus you!” Zegras shouted, clearly not reading the room. None of the players said anything about your and Jack’s situationship-break-up but Trevor made it clear he was happy with the situation. “Zegras is out in the hunt again, baby, ‘gonna give Soph the real D!”

Jack didn’t even notice he moved until he felt a heavy hand on his chest, looking down and realising it was Nico’s hand and he was now toe to toe with Trevor.

“Watch the shit you say, Zegras. I’m not fucking with you.” Jack spoke slowly, eyes not leaving Zegras’.

“Like you’re going to do anything, Hughes. You lost the prize, now it’s time for her to know what a real man is.”

Jack stepped foward again, only to be stopped by Nico’s hand.

“She’s not a fucking prize and this is not a fucking game, asshole,” Jack said through his teeth, ready to punch Trevor right there and now.

“How old are you two?” Hischier hissed, separating Jack and Trevor like a dad would do. “Trevor, shut the fuck up and don’t talk about Soph like that. And you,” he looked and Zegras before looking at Jack again. “You can’t and you won’t do shit. You and Sophia aren’t a thing anymore and there’s no one to blame but yourself. Suck it up, Hughes.”

Jack wanted to punch all of them in their fucking faces. It wasn’t his fault! He wasn’t the one who published the article and he wasn’t the one who sent that fucking picture of him and Ava leaving that party.

So what if she was his ex? That was in the past. He didn’t even remember her name, for fuck’s sake. She meant nothing to him while you—

“Whatever,” Trevor shrugged, before leaving the room.

“Hischier,” Jack called before Nico left. He turned back and stared at Jack, eyes tired. Jack felt bad for acting like that and giving even more trouble to Nico but Trevor was a fucking assface. “I need to go to that concert.”

“Unless you have an invitation or a ticket, I can’t take you there, man.” He bit his lips. “I’m sorry, but I won’t do that to Soph.”

Jack hated how Nico was clearly choosing sides and he also hated how he said her name and how everyone seemed very comfortable with calling you Soph but he pretended that he didn’t care.

“I’m not going to talk to her, I just…” his lips formed a straight line. He wasn’t sure of what he wanted exactly, but he needed to see you. Ever since your album had been released, he had been playing it nonstop, trying to memorize every breath you took, every line you sang, every beat you produced. He just needed to see you. “I want to see her.”

“Man, you know I can’t do that. Grace will kill me.”

“I’ll deal with her, Hischier, I swear,” in that moment, Jack was glad everyone else had already left, otherwise it’d be humiliating.

Although he noticed, with shock, that he wouldn’t mind begging in front of people if he got the chance to see you.

Nico ran his hands through his hair, muttering something in German before nodding with his head once.

“Fine, but I swear to God that if you upset Grace or Soph or worse, both,” he got closer to Jack’s body, looking like he did when he was on the ice. Terrifying. “I’ll personally make sure you won’t do that ever again.”

Gulping, Jack nodded once, before following Nico.

— ♡

THE line outside the venue was gigantic, making the men inside the van yell and whistle.

Much to Jack’s dismay, all of the Devils who were your fans had been invited to your concert— except him, of course. Which he thought was really, really shitty, by the way— and they were all excited, wearing shirts with your face on it and holding banners with your name.

Jack had to wear an all black outfit, with a cap hiding his hair and sunglasses. He thought he looked ridiculous but unfortunately, Nico was right: you couldn’t see him. He knew that if you did you’d be upset and the last thing he wanted was to ruin your night and concert. So yeah, hiding himself it is.

They left the van, entering the building from the back entrance, not wanting to cause a commotion out there in the front. Jack had been told this was just a small concert but the place looked packed with people.

“Okay, so,” Nico started, wearing his Captain belt once again. “Grace will be here in a second, and she will give us the VIP necklaces so we can go to our sets,” he turned around, facing Jack. “I honestly don’t know what to do with you. Grace will probably kick you out but at least I did my part.”

Jack just nodded, already thinking of millions excuses he could say to Grace so she would say yes.

True to Nico’s words, Grace showed up not even a minute later, wearing a red, tight dress and heavy makeup. She looked beautiful.

“Hi, fellas!” She walked in, smiling brightly. “Nice seeing you all, Soph will be happy with you being here and— what the fuck are doing here?” Her smile was gone, and now the only thing left was a scowl on her face.

Jack smiled awkwardly.

“Grace, listen, he asked me to bring him here because he wanted to see Soph—” Nico started, only to be interrupted by Grace’s harsh words.

“I don’t give a single fuck, Nico, what the hell!” She was starting to leash out on Hischier so Jack knew he had to say something.

“She’s not going to see me, I promise,” he replied.

Grace laughed. “Of course she isn’t going to see you because you’re going to leave!”

“Grace, come on,” Jack muttered, ready to beg to another person just to see you. Fucking shit. “I can sit in the back, there’s like a thousand people outside. She won’t see me.”

“Baby,” everyone looked at Nico as he approached Grace. Jack frowned. Since when were they together? “I told him that if he did anything bad I’d punch the shit out of him myself. He will behave.”

“I’m not a dog—”

“Fine,” Grace sighed, loudly, already looking like she regretted saying yes. “Nico I swear that if Sophia sees him or if someone takes any pictures of him here, I’ll snatch your dick out of your body.”

All of the men there made an ouch sound, faces amused and terrified. Nico only nodded, after giving Jack the scariest look ever.

Grace gave them their badges and asked for another one for Jack. Everyone there was running around and shouting things, probably all worried about everything being perfect, and Jack found himself smiling because you were surrounded by people who cared about you and your work.

Turns out that sitting in the back really meant sitting in the back, because Grace gave Jack a really shitty seat that despite being small as fuck, had a really good view of the stage, even if it’d be impossible for you to spot him.

Jack’s hands were sweaty and his heart was racing in his chest. The place was packed with all different types of people, from children to adults, and some grandparents here and there.

He was proud. He remembered how excited you were for this album, for this little concert, and watching how you’ve managed to ace all of that, made him smile under his hand.

The rest of his teammates were sitting in the VIP section, really close to the stage, and hell if Hughes didn’t envy them. But he knew this was for the best.

Thirty minutes after he sat down, the lights dimmed and only the stage was on. The screams were so fucking loud and if Jack wasn’t already used to people screaming his ears off during games, he’d probably have a fit right there.

“Ladies and gentlemen, Sophia Montenegro.”

Nothing could ever prepared Jack for the sight of you on that stage. It’d been two weeks since you last saw each other and the last time was awful, his heart hurting every time he remembered the sight of you crying and remembering he was the reason why.

But watching as you stood on top of some kind of platform, wearing a black, glittery body suit, with heels and black, see through socks. Your hair was styled in a way that drove him absolutely crazy, and now he wasn’t so sure that coming to this concert was a good idea after all.

“One year, ten thousand bad moments

But it was dressed up in heated emotion

And I tried to look for the best in the worst

But like, fuck me, that caused a commotion.”

Your voice was perfect, of course it was. Somehow, you knew how to sing live even better than the recorded songs, and your stage presence was out of this world. Jack looked at you as you moved around, singing and dancing and waving at people and interacting with the band, not knowing what to do with the weight on his chest.

He was happy to see you, he really was, happier than he’d felt in this entire week, but fuck if he wasn’t hurt. Watching you from afar was even worse than not watching you at all, because he was reminded again and again that he lost you.

Even if he still thinks it wasn’t exactly his fault.

The crowd was loud, people were dancing here and there and Jack could swear the girl in front of him was crying.

“Oh, you're so vicious

Love me, then pretend you didn't

Crush my heart and wreck my image

Why you gotta be so, so, so

Oh, you're so vicious”

You were sitting in the middle of the stage, microphone in your right hand, singing with your whole heart. Anyone could see how alive you felt whenever you sang and honestly, it was beautiful to witness.

The song continued, and every second Jack was taken aback by how beautiful you were. So fucking beautiful. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, inside and out, full of life and happiness and joy.

He only noticed that the song had ended when he heard people cheering louder than they were before, and he started to pay attention again.

There you stood, in the middle of the stage, trying to even your breath. You were smiling so hard, cheek to cheek, eyes shining so bright even Jack in his shitty ass seat could see it.

“Hi, guys,” you were out of breath but your voice still sounded like honey to Hughes’ ears, and he had missed the sweetness. So. Much. “Oh my god, there’s so many of you in here, what the hell.”

People laughed, and Jack found himself smiling.

“Hi, I’m Sophia,” you said, shyly, like the people there hadn’t paid to see you. “Thank you for being here, guys. It’s been a while since I last saw you guys face to face. Last time was in Coachella, back in April, right?”

People shouted many things, you smiled.

“So a week ago I released my fifth album, rip to my feelings,” more cheering. “I know the title is corny but I couldn’t find better wording. This album, and I’ve said this countless times, means the world to me,”

“Fuck Harris Dickinson!” Someone shouted and everyone started laughing, including you.

“Yeah, yeah,” you agreed. “I hope you like the show. I’ve also heard that we have some special guests tonight…”

Jack’s heart stopped. For some idiotic reason, he thought you’d say his name. Until he reminded himself that you and him were no longer a thing and you didn’t even know he was there.

“Please, please, please, make some noise for my favorite hockey team, the New Jersey Devils!”

The camera focused on the fifteen men sitting on the VIP section, who got out of their seats and started shouting, while showing off their merch, making the other people cheer too.

Jack knew he shouldn’t, but he felt jealous all the same. He should be there, cheering for you and kissing you in front of all of them. Maybe punching Zegras in the face while he was at it too.

“Thank you for coming, guys,” you smiled again, before you started singing the next song.

Jack was mesmerised with you for the next hour and a half. How you danced, how you sang, how you twirled around, how you looked so fucking gorgeous in that tight outfit. How your eyes shined, how your body was perfect, and how he wanted nothing more than you.

The concert went well, like everyone knew it would, you making yourself comfortable, and at home: talking with your fans, taking pictures with them, handing the mic to some of them, who sang awfully in Jack’s humble opinion. Even if the majority of the songs were sad and soul crushing, you made sure people enjoyed themselves.

You were a true sight.

“Now, this is going to be the last song,” some sad oooh’s were heard and you smiled, nodding with your head. “I know, I know, I’m sad too but you all have to go home and these people here,” you pointed at the band behind you. “Also have to go home. But,” you raised your finger, moving your body until you were sitting on the edge of the stage. Some of your fans shouted. “I have one more song for you. This one isn’t in the album because I wrote this recently, but I still want to show it to you guys.”

More cheers, more shouts, more people crying.

“This one’s called Bad for Business and will be available on all streaming platforms by midnight.” Jack watched as you smiled, making him raise and eyebrow. He didn’t know about this one.

“He's good for my heart but he's bad for business

Tears me apart when he grants my wishes

All of my friends think I've gone crazy

But they don't know me like my baby

We look good in photographs

I like the way you like to laugh at dirty jokes

I know they'll always land

Used to get work on time

But now you're taking up my nights

Never been so glad to be so tired

Ooh, I'm mad for you

It's sad but true and I know it

Ahh, you're on my mind

You stole my life and it's showin’…”

Jack couldn’t take his eyes off the stage, eating up every word. He knew this song was about him. It was as clear as day, and maybe he was just being cocky but he didn’t care. It meant that he still had a chance.

He's good (good), it's bad (bad)

The best I've ever had (best I've ever had)

And he's so nice, it's sad (it's sad)

He ruined all my plans

And he just makes me so crazy

I know everyone sees

That he'll be the death of me

He still had a chance. He could still try because it was clear: you were still in love with him. Why else would you sing this? Why else would you write something like this?

He got up, he had seen enough. He left the venue with his head low, trying to walk without being noticed. He knew exactly what he had to do, and even if it sucked, it was the right thing.

—- ♡

“I really hope there is a reason why you’re calling me in the middle of the night, Jack,” Quinn sounded tired but. He always did. “A good one, that is,”

“I need some advice,” Jack looked at his brother through the screen, noticing the eye bags and the tired eyes. Why the hell Quinn always looked like he had been hit by a train was unknown.

Quinn just hummed, signaling for him to continue speaking.

“It’s Soph.”

“Did something happen?”

Jack cringed. Maybe they did need to start paying attention to what happened online. “Yeah, well, someone took a picture of me leaving the Halloween party with that girl named Ava who’s apparently one of my exes and posted it online, making it look like we hooked up or whatever. Then, they talked shit about Soph and Soph kind of broke up with me after saying she was in love with me and basically calling it a mistake.”

Quinn stared at the camera for a good minute, and just when Jack was starting to think he’d fallen back asleep, he moved, caressing his face with his hand.

“The hell is going on in New Jersey.”

“That’s all you have to say?” Jack scoffed. “I didn’t call you for nothing. If I wanted whatever the hell this is I would’ve called Luke.”

“I mean, what did you expect to happen? One day your whore days would catch up on you. Everyone knew this.”

“Why does everyone keep calling me a whore? Is this how women feel?” Jack frowned.

“They call you that because you had a new girl every month. Every time you had a gala you’d take a new girl with you and of course people would talk about that.”

“Okay but I wasn’t dating any of them!” Jack raised his arms, forgetting that he was still holding his phone and dropping it. Picking it up, he continued. “So what if I had a new woman every month? The issue here is Sophia not wanting to be with me anymore!”

“I think that, before wanting to be with her, you have to know if you want a relationship at all,” Quinn said, calmly. “You’ve never had a girlfriend before, a serious one that is. A relationship is a commitment, especially when you’re dating someone as famous as Sophia.”

“I know that she’s famous, I don’t care about that—”

“It’s not about her being famous, jackass, it’s about people forgetting that she is more than that. She is more than the Sophia who sings and dances, she’s a person. That’s literally common sense.”

“I know that too,” Jack mumbled.

“Soph’s been through a lot with that son of a bitch who’s not even worth mentioning. I don’t know much, you probably know about it better than me, but what I know is enough to make me want to punch him with my stick.”

“Yeah,” Jack agreed. “I hate that fucking asshole. He cheated on her, lied, manipulated her and had the audacity to break up with her.”

“So, knowing all of that, how do you think she felt when she saw that picture?” Quinn asked, eyebrow arched. “The guy she’s in love with, holding hands with his ex.”

“I didn’t fuck her!” He raised his voice, tired of everyone saying the same. “I just took her home and went back to my place.”

“Yeah, but does Soph know that?”

Jack frowned. “Of course she does. I’ve told her multiple times that I was only seeing her. And Ava was drunk, I wouldn’t have done anything with her even if I wanted to.”

“Yes because it’s very credible that the guy who used to date a new girl every month now suddenly only dates a single girl. Jack, sometimes I feel like you just don’t think.”

“If I wanted someone to call me dumb—”

“You would’ve called Luke, I know. But right now, that’s what you need to hear,” Quinn sighed. “Look, I know it’s hard for you to understand but put yourself in her shoes. Just think.”

“Everyone keep saying this is my fault but I don’t see how I am the person in the wrong here. I didn’t publish the article, I didn’t fuck Ava—”

Quinn sighed loudly again, interrupting Jack and staring at the screen for a minute, again.

“What?”

“Sometimes I ask myself if we were raised by the same woman,” he shrugged. “Just imagine if Ma knew all of this. She’d probably yell at you.”

“Get to the point, Quinn,” Jack rolled his eyes.

“Look. I’ll try to make it simple,” he started. “Sophia is in love with you. She fell in love with you despite knowing that you have a long history of dating. But, she’s also hurt. And you made it all worse when you said the things I know you probably said.”

“I didn’t say anything that bad…”

“Oh, quit it, Jack. I know you,” Quinn smiled. “You probably made her cry too. That’s the drill. Anyways, you have to ask yourself how do you feel about Soph—”

“I love her.”

They both stayed quiet for at least five minutes. Quinn just staring at the screen like he was reading a newspaper article and Jack staring back at him, looking like he was about to explode.

He hadn’t stopped to think about what he truly felt for you. He knew he liked you, adored even, but he never thought of naming the things he felt whenever he thought about you.

But it was as clear as day. He loved you, he was in love with you.

“Well, then I think my job here is done.” Quinn finally said, breaking the silence.

“What?” Jack almost shouted. “What do you mean? You have to help me get her back!”

“I don’t have time for that and honestly neither do you,” he stated and, well, he was right. They were in the middle of the season, and that was their job. Jack needed to get a grip. “If I were you, though, I’d start by apologising and telling her that you didn’t have sex with Ava or anyone else for that matter.”

“Okay,” Jack breathed. “And then?”

“Figure it out yourself. You’re a big boy.”

Jack groaned, leaning back on the couch. “Fuuuck. This is so fucking shitty. I love her, and she loves me, why can’t we just be together?”

“You will, after you fix this mess.” Quinn yawned and nodded at you. “I’m gonna go back to sleep. You should too. You’ve been playing like shit lately.”

“Fuck you. Bye.”

“Bye.”

He hung up, throwing his phone on the pillow next to him.

How the hell was he going to fix this?

[moonlight-prose]

HURT

➝ 05. MIDNIGHT DOVE

a/n: i never thought it would take a year to finally work up the courage to finish this. i swear it's been marinating in my mind for months. life got in the way as it always does, and well shit happens, but i am gradually attempting to return to this world. if you're new here, welcome. if you're someone who has been here since the beginning, then thank you for sticking my horrible productivity out. i swear i won't disappear again. hopefully.

dedicated to: @themarcusmoreno for being an absolute badass fighter as of late. i hope you know how proud i am of you babes and how much i adore you. a special thanks to @sunflowersteves who has been a MASSIVE supporter of this story. i love you babes! and to @soulores who has listened to me ramble about this fic for hours in the hopes inspo would strike again. te amo te amo te amo!!!

summary: joel never made opening himself up to the prospect of love easy, but when it came to you...it felt like taking a breath of fresh air for the first time in years.

word count: 14k+ (i'm fucking insane)

pairing: joel miller x f!reader

warnings: EXPLICIT SO MINORS DNI, cussing, fluff, joel attempting to be romantic, ptsd, grief, deep talks (joel opens up), joel finally telling the truth, p in v sex, choking kind of, roughness, biting lots of biting (both kinds hahaha), tad bit of violence, the dangers of falling in love.

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It was easy to forget how damaged you were in the midst of his affection. An effortless act to allow yourself a chance to heal as you gave yourself over to him. For brief moments, you weren’t the person who had gone through years of pain, suffered through grief so potent you could taste it. You were the person who could sink into his hold, lose yourself in his touch, and simply exist.

With Joel there was no pain, no reminders of what you didn’t have—what you could never get back—because he took all that away. He gave you the one thing you didn’t know you were searching for. Yourself. In whispered words beneath the midnight sky, you found the reflection you’d been so afraid to look at. You saw the person who had been torn apart by the brutality of this world, by the prospect of death you could no longer run from.

He pieced you back together with his hands, attempting to rid you of all those cracks and crevices where pain seeped out from.

And in doing so, he saved you.

“You used to be a contractor right?” you asked, trying not to huff and puff as you trailed after him through the woods.

Briefly you thought you caught the sight of tall buildings in the distance, but played it off as the sun messing with your eyes again. A few days ago the truck broke down, ruining the quick pace of travel you had gotten used to. Which left you both with one option. Walking until your feet were numb and bloody. You hadn’t missed the energy this took, suddenly yearning for trains and planes—anyway to get to Boston as quickly as possible.

Except you didn’t hate it entirely. The bonus was being able to spend more time with him in secluded areas. You liked studying him by firelight, talking with him underneath the stars. Joel was the one who kept you going in spite of the agonizing effort this took. Thankfully the moments you did run into any infected were brief and quick—simply another crack in the bubble you’d built around yourselves.

Something had shifted between the two of you. Changed the tides of your futures and gave you insight into what might be possible once you got to Boston. You saw hints of a life that you might not have seen before. A future with him. You only hoped that he was seeing the same picture you were.

“Mhm,” he hummed, pausing to let you catch up, his hand reaching for yours.

“Impressive,” you said with a smile, pressing your chin on his shoulder as he leaned against a tree. Giving the both of you a small breather before you started up again.

“It paid the bills.”

“Well yeah. But it’s also a cool job. Getting to build things.”

He grinned, his eyes tracing the shapes and contours of your face. “I guess it was.”

“What made you want to be a contractor?” You caught the way he paused at your question, his eyes unable to meet yours for a brief moment. Joel thought he was able to hide his pain so well, behind an impenetrable mask he never removed. But you saw it.

You were the only one who split it down the middle; revealing the man beneath for your eyes to see.

“Uh,” he mumbled. “It was good work. Kept me stable.”

“Joel? Did I say something?”

He shook his head. “We should keep going,” he said, pressing a light kiss to your temple, his lips lingering a bit longer than usual.

Any other person would play that off as Joel being Joel. Yet you felt the tremor in his chest when he took in a breath. You saw the way he placed another brick in his never-ending wall. One that he didn’t want you to break. Frowning slightly, you walked beside him, glancing to see if he would finally revert back to the man from moments ago, but he was lost to the ravages of his mind.

You knew it would take awhile for him to come back to you. So, you waited. You lost yourself in your own thoughts, watching the birds fly through the trees, the sun peeking through the branches and bathing you in warmth. Thankfully the cold was starting to fade with each passing day. Giving way to the weather you liked most. You wanted to ask Joel where you were—which state you crossed into—but he was still gone.

Reliving the moment he hadn’t told you about yet.

You stopped when the forest gave way to a road and finally caught sight of what was in the distance. Only to realize…the sun hadn’t been playing tricks on you.

Skyscrapers stood tall against the sky, the cityscape so famous and iconic you could pick it out from memory. It was ruined from the past, some buildings had fallen from the decay, but you felt your heart flutter nonetheless. New York City. You’d been traveling through the state this whole time and never knew. Your younger self ached in the back of your mind; the one place you had been striving to get to, now arriving too late.

Yet still…you were there. Staring at what could have been your future once upon a time.

“We’re in New York,” you said, your voice tinged in disbelief. 

Joel seemed to have been brought back by your stunned reaction, his lips pulling up into a small smirk. “Thought you would have liked to take this way.”

You whirled around to face him, your eyes wide with surprise. “But what about infected? Won’t they be—”

“They bombed most of the city when the infection hit. Took out the worst parts first.” He pointed to the direction of where you assumed the Empire State building once stood. “No one has been here for nearly a decade. They tried to have a QZ on the outskirts at one point I think.”

“And how did that go?” Although you already knew the answer. Simply another repeat of every major city in this country.

He sighed. “They wound up bombing that too.”

“So we’re going around?” you asked, knowing that the only safe possibility was skirting the edges of the city. But a part of you hoped that for once you and Joel could pretend to be normal humans again.

People who at one point in their lives…might have taken a trip to New York City.

“Well…” His hesitation caught your attention. “We’re gonna go around as much as we can, but there’s somethin’ there that still survived all this. So if we’re careful. Then it should be alright.”

You felt the breath catch in your chest. A sliver of hope flickering warm and bright through your body. “And if it’s not…alright?”

“Then we handle it,” he replied, his hand shifting to cup your cheek, thumb running along your skin. “Like we always do.” Those words alone nearly made those three words slip free from your mouth. “What do you say Boston,” he murmured, his head dipping down—lips brushing along yours. “Wanna take a trip to New York with me?”

There were infected everywhere you went, never being able to escape them entirely. That alone weighed your answer towards it being positive. Still you were wary about what could happen. What could go wrong in the midst of your happiness? It seemed that life never changed when things were already awful. The worst only hit when you were finally at peace, content with what you had.

You should have said no, should have told him it wasn’t safe, but his brown eyes held a hopeful glint in them. A look that you recognized. For the first time, the both of you were finally starting to heal from the horrid effects of this life. It was a tragedy that would never be written down. A play not yet finished.

Which ultimately made the decision for you.

How did you want things to end? With a smile on your face, spending time with the man you loved? Or alone.

“Lead the way Texas,” you said softly, dropping your forehead to his chest, feeling him kiss your head softly before he pulled away.

The trip to get into the city would take a day or two, which meant that you had to set up camp for the night. At least until the sun rose enough to guide you. Venturing back into the forest with him, you felt the lightness in your heart spread down throughout your body. A sensation that you longed to hold onto.

You couldn’t recall the last time you’d been this happy; the feeling almost effortless amidst the pain and destruction of your past. It nearly overflowed, spilling out into the area around you filled with never ending darkness. Joel’s footsteps were heavy against the fallen leaves. As if he was no longer afraid to make noise. Now that the path was clear, his head focused on one direction, you by his side.

Things had shifted drastically since that night. Since you watched a piece of his walls crash to the ground. Giving you a chance to finally see the man he had once been. The Joel you had only met in fragments—memories you weren’t a part of.

A past that you’d never fully know.

“This is as good a place as any,” he said, dropping the bag off his shoulders and onto the ground beside a tree.

“Should I gather wood?” you asked, following his movements—the routine burned into your mind.

He shook his head. “Not tonight. We’re too close to the city.”

“You don’t think people are insane enough to live there, do you?”

The silence he offered was enough of an answer. Even though you were both far enough away from any signs of life, it still wasn’t safe to assume you were entirely free. You could see Joel grappling with the decision to even go down there, but you knew which side would win the war in the end. One side told him to avoid the place altogether, to keep trekking on until you reached the QZ in Boston. But the other whispered something different.

It beckoned him closer, promising something sweet, a reprieve from the terrors of life that continued to plague both of you. Whatever still remained in that city was enough for him to choose the latter.

“I’ll keep first watch,” he murmured, settling with his back to a tree, rifle placed across his thighs.

“Joel.”

He shook his head. “You need to sleep.”

“So do you,” you replied, in the hopes that he’d relent to you as he had before.

The dark lines beneath his eyes grew with every passing day and you wondered what kept him from sleep. Was it nightmares? The prospect of death around every corner? They were things that were enough to send terror running sharply down your spine, but as long as you’d known Joel he seemed to simply take those things in stride. Refusing to give life the satisfaction of watching him crumble beneath the strain.

Yet now he looked half dead; tired of fighting an infinite battle of fear.

“Come here,” you said softly, hand gripping onto his.

“Darlin’—”

“If you don’t sleep then, so help me Joel I will stay up with you.”

The threat held enough truth in it to spur him into action. You would stay up with him until dawn crested over the city, until you could no longer keep your eyes open. Joel had stamina you didn’t possess. Not anymore. So, he allowed you to guide him forward, his head resting on his pack, rifle placed between your bodies. A safety measure in case the night turned for the worst.

“Shut your eyes,” you murmured, seeing the tension in his body melt away the second your hand pressed to his chest.

He huffed—ever the stubborn man who saved your life—but relented without a fight, his eyes fluttering shut quickly followed by a long exhale. The stars were brighter than you’d seen them; the light pollution of the city, no longer a problem the sky had to combat. So, you shifted, rested your head on his shoulder and watched the stars twinkle in a night sky free from the shackles of humanity.

“You’re supposed to sleep too,” he grumbled, his hand coming up to cover yours, thumb running along your wrist.

“I am.” You smiled at his audible snort.

Silence enveloped the two of you, but it never felt off putting in his presence. In fact you began to welcome it, because with Joel there was always more than just words. His thumb continued to go across your skin, creating a soothing rhythm that lulled you into a docile state. If you shut your eyes and focused on the beat of his heart—the rise and fall of his chest with each breath—you might be able to fall asleep. Except your mind still ran, still on high alert in case of something going wrong.

“Hey,” he mumbled, his head turning slightly until his nose brushed against yours.

“Hm?” You felt your heart skip at the sight of his eyes opening again, the deep brown hue pulling you in.

“What’s goin’ on in there?” he whispered. Joel didn’t need to go into specifics to know what he meant by that. You seemed to pick it up just by the inflection of his words—the tone he used when he spoke. This was no different.

You sighed, wishing more than anything that you could strip your shoulders of the weight they carried. “Nothing. I’m just…it’s nothing.”

“It ain’t nothin’.”

“I’m just…scared,” you said, finally showing a sliver of the truth. He hummed, attempting to show that he understood where you were coming from. “What happens when we get to Boston?”

Because that’s where that gnawing feeling stemmed from. It wasn’t your fear of death, or the terror you felt whenever you thought of Joel dying. No, you were scared of what the future held—what came when this trip finally came to an end. You didn’t want to let him go after everything you’d endured together. For the first time you felt like you found the one thing anyone could hope for in life. A partnership.

He sighed. “We keep going.”

“Together?” There you were laying your hope in front of him, wanting him to give you the answer you longed for.

“Yes,” he replied, watching a smile cross your face—his heart beating a bit faster at the sight. It lit him up on the inside. As if someone injected him with a heaping dose of pure sunlight, claiming it would fix all his broken pieces. Save him from hell.

For a moment you simply watched him, seeing an array of emotions flicker through his eyes. You wanted the night to remain endless. For you and Joel to stay there until the stars burned out above—a safe place with no responsibilities. No fear of death. But you knew eventually you would have to get up and follow him into the city. Boston remained right at the very tips of your fingers, yet getting there felt like a million miles away.

“Joel?” you breathed, bringing him out of his mind and back to the present day.

“Yeah?”

“Tell me something.” You clutched his hand in yours, enjoying the warmth that emanated from his skin. “Anything.”

He turned away, looking up at the sky as he processed your words. And you waited patiently. You found that you’d wait for him no matter how long it took, because it was him and to you…he was everything. He was worth fighting for, worth staying put for. He let out a shaky breath, his grip tightening on your palm until pain sparked in your wrist. You didn’t dare pull away though, too captured by the vulnerability that began to show on his face.

For the first time, he was the glass you couldn’t break.

“I had a daughter,” he said softly, still watching how the stars flickered above rather than the way your face went slack with shock. “Sarah.”

Your breath caught in your throat, eyes falling to the broken watch on his wrist as tears began to fall from your eyes. That night when you asked about it—watched him close up right before your very eyes—suddenly made sense. Why he never took it off, why it was the most precious thing to him.

It was from her.

“She was…well she is the best damn thing in my life.” He shut his eyes, his eyes stinging with the tears that couldn’t fall. You didn’t dare interrupt him. Joel was baring the part he’d hidden long ago—offering it to you in the hopes that you’d take care of it. “Had the prettiest smile and the best—” He took in a breath. “The best fuckin’ laugh you’d ever heard. Made everyone else laugh.”

You smiled, feeling your tears fall onto his shirt. “She sounds amazing.”

“She is,” he rasped, his hand pulling yours up higher on his chest until you could feel the rapid beat of his heart beneath your fingers. “On the night of the outbreak. We were tryin’ to get out. But something…” His voice broke, eyes squeezing even tighter. “I couldn’t—and she—”

“Oh Joel,” you whispered, your eyes falling shut as his pain seeped into your heart. It made your whole body scream out and for a moment you wondered how his heart never stopped beating. How had he survived such anguish? How was he still here?

You bit back the sob that threatened to spill free and buried your face into his shoulder, clutching onto his hand to show that you were here. That he could give you this pain to hold and you’d bear it for him for however long he needed. His face turned, a shaky breath leaving his lips as he let the words hang in the air. What more needed to be said? When he had just ripped down the last of his walls.

“I’m so sorry.” The words were a breath on his cheek and you knew they wouldn’t take away any amount of grief. You knew they were simply a band-aid to the gaping wound that would never heal.

He didn’t reply; you didn’t expect him to. So you allowed the silence to fill the air between you, covering you like a comforting blanket. Hiding you from the world until the sun came up. Joel pulled you closer until you practically lay atop his chest, the steady thud of his broken heart echoing beneath your ear. The world had taken so much from him—turned him hopeless—you just never knew the extent of it.

Staring into the darkness of the trees you heard him begin to snore softly, his body now lax beneath you. Except you didn’t move. You remained in the same spot, watching as the world turned a bit darker. The hope seeped out of your body bit by bit now that you understood how much Joel carried—how much he endured.

“I love you,” you breathed, pressing a kiss over his heart, finally shutting your eyes and giving into the soft embrace of sleep.

You woke up to find him gone, his jacket placed strategically over your body to keep you protected from the early morning cold. What you wouldn’t give for a fire to combat the chill that began to seep into your skin. Sitting up slowly, you attempted to catch sight of him through the trees—hoping that he had wandered a bit. But you were left alone with just your pack and his extra gun.

Scenarios began to run through your mind, panic settling in your veins, but you fought against it. You’d been here before. Alone while Joel went off to do who knows what. You knew he would come back—that was a given—but you couldn’t stop the worry from eating at you.

You watched your breath collect in the air as you moved, gathering pieces of wood and rocks to build a fire for a short amount of time. If you were moving today it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to warm up and gain some strength through food. If Joel wasn’t back within the hour you would go out hunting. He’d been generous enough to leave you with a few bullets still in the chamber of his gun.

Which meant he had full intentions of coming back.

The fire sparked quicker than you expected, catching on the brush you packed around the wood and sending heat up towards your face. You couldn’t burn it for long, in case people caught sight of the smoke. Which meant you had to relish in the heat for as long as possible—the stiffness in your body dissipating the longer you sat there.

You watched the orange glow flicker across the wood, consuming it entirely and found you couldn’t tear your eyes away. The sight was familiar—as if you could feel it against your skin with every passing day. Life burned through you with swift brutality and for that mere moment you wondered if it would hurt if you fully sunk into it. Allowed it to destroy you as the flame did the wood that now sat cracked into two pieces—the charred bark falling onto the ground.

A rustling echoed behind you, making you reach for the gun, but the sight of Joel’s graying hair peeking through the woods sent relief flooding through your body. He carried a rabbit in one hand, clutching onto the rifle with the other, and you felt yourself relax just a bit more. Body sinking back into the spot you’d made, legs crossed and hands hovering over the flames.

“Breakfast?” he asked, crouching beside you.

“Don’t mind if I do.” You grinned, pressing your chin against his shoulder briefly, soaking up the warmth of his body.

You couldn’t see his face, but you could feel the smile being pressed against your temple. His lips a soft brush across your skin. If time was kind, you’d be able to stay there. Sitting in the comfort of his presence—the worry that plagued you now pushed to the very back of your mind. It was rare to feel this okay in the comfort of someone else, but Joel made it easy. You wanted to thank him for simply being here, but the words were stuck in your head. Unable to be released.

“How long until we go?” you asked, watching as he cooked the animal over the flames, your stomach clenching painfully.

“Soon as we’re done here.”

The trip into the city wasn’t by any means safe. In fact you were certain it was the most dangerous thing you would attempt in your journey to the Boston QZ. For so long you’d played it safe, but Joel had plans and you would follow his lead wherever he went.

Perhaps it was ridiculous to say you loved him now. In a world where the small hints of anything good were smothered before they could bloom into something more. Except you couldn’t deny what your heart knew was true—what it had been holding onto for months. You loved him. Possibly more than you could ever love someone, and that’s what scared you. Sent a sick feeling into your stomach, your heart twisting violently in your chest at the thought.

Traveling through the city was lethal—a death sentence—but you soon realized it wasn’t the most dangerous thing you could do.

Falling in love in a world intent on destruction was the true risk. Because whether you liked it or not, your entire life could come crashing down in an instant if you lost the man beside you.

Joel was your oxygen. The sole reason you were still alive. You couldn’t lose him.

You both ate in silence, an act that had become sacred to you as time went on. Just a small piece of normalcy that remained—something to remember your old lives by. While you couldn’t necessarily sit at a table and savor the meal. Both of you were content with this. A small amount of peace before chaos ensued once more.

The city called to you—beckoned you closer—and you had to be careful not to give in. There was an unspoken rule in all the traveling you’d had with one another. Joel was the leader in this situation and you were to follow what he said; after all he was simply trying to keep the both of you alive. So you did just that. You waited for him to finish eating and explain exactly how this was going to go down.

“You know…” You picked at the grass beneath you. “I’ve been thinking about what comes next.”

His eyes raised to meet your gaze—the once hardened stare now softened to something you now knew to be familiar. A look he only carried when he was around you. You felt something tug at your chest, warm and inviting.

“I want a home,” you said softly, twirling a dandelion between your fingers. “If that’s a possibility.”

The corners of his lips pulled upwards and you nearly missed the sight. But once you caught it…you couldn’t look away. Joel smiling was a rarity—this you knew to be a hard fact—but when he did the world lit up around him. His smile felt safe. As if he kept every ounce of love given to him in that single look.

“Could be a possibility,” he replied, shifting to where his arm was behind you—his weight leaning on it. “Got a place in mind?”

Heat bloomed beneath your cheeks, small petals of the dandelion flying off. “Nothing too fancy. Big enough for us and…well…it has to be just right.”

Perhaps your mind was playing a trick on you, creating fantastical sights that felt too good to be true, but Joel's smile deepened. A soft light entered his eyes for a brief moment, effectively stealing the breath right from your lungs. He was so beautiful when he smiled. As if he was gifted with it from the gods themselves—his own secret power at the end of the day.

"A house huh."

You nodded, still stunned in place as his smile remained intact. "I miss having a home."

Five words. That's all it took for light to be extinguished like a flame being put out. Sorrow seeped back into his face, his smile faltered, and you felt the world shift beneath your feet. Whatever you said triggered something in his mind. It dragged the memory to the front and forced him to watch with no escape. You know...because you'd been in his place before; you had been a victim to the horror of your own life, privy to the movie that never had an end.

The difference was with Joel you could do nothing but watch.

There was no pulling him out of it, no distracting him, because the memory had already started. So you sat in silence, waiting for it to run its course. Until Joel returned back to you. His smile was gone, face grim once more, and grief stained his soul. But you'd take him any way he was. You'd take him damaged and ruined beyond repair, as he would with you.

"We should get moving soon," he said, voice lower than before, eyes glassy with tears that would never fall.

You let out a breath as your heart sank deeper in your chest. "I'll put out the fire."

He didn't question you or even try to stop you. He simply let you do what you thought was best. Gathering his jacket and gun, he helped you to your feet, the furrow between his brows now set back in place. For a moment...he looked younger than his actual age. A man from the past peeked out, but nothing stayed the same for long.

Nothing good ever stuck.

"Once we get to the edge of the city we'll be out in the open for anyone to see." He slung his pack over his shoulder, handing you a knife to stick in your pocket as an extra precaution for what was to come. "You know I only have one rule darlin'."

Now felt like the perfect time to make a joke—to bring back his smile—but the serious tone of his voice lingered in the air. A reminder that you may be able to take care of yourself on your own, but traveling with Joel now meant you had his life to worry about too.

That alone was something you couldn't risk.

"Follow your lead."

He nodded. "We should be alright, but just in case stick close."

"I will." The idea that you'd stray far from him was ridiculous and he knew it, but the words had to be said. For his own peace of mind.

Somewhere in the middle of the trees there remained an old hiking path. A memoriam of the years that came before, and yet you couldn't picture tourists taking this road. Not even their footprints would survive twenty years of nature. No, this small but distinct path was carved by people traveling towards Boston. You liked to imagine that they made it eventually; that their lives went on in the QZ without issue. But reality always held a harsher reflection than you expected.

Twigs snapped beneath your boots as you trailed beside Joel, eyes set on what remained of the city skyline. Proof that humanity once lived on this planet.

"They'll be deeper inside the city lines," Joel said, dragging your attention away from the ruin. "It's likely there ain't been people for years. But we can’t be sure."

"No reason for activity then?"

He sighed, squinting his eyes against the blaring sunlight. "I'm not sayin' there'll be less. But we might not encounter them much if we’re lucky."

A small amount of relief spread through your chest, pushing against the constant fear that ate at your heart. Devouring it as if you were the meal it had been waiting for. A delicacy of the human body.

"Better than nothing."

He made a noise of agreement, taking the lead and heading deeper into the woods. Eventually they would become sparse, giving the both of you less coverage, until they disappeared altogether. Two decades was plenty of time for nature to reclaim parts of the city, but the cement and stone still remained. A permanent fixture of what used to be in front of you.

The city that used to never sleep, now forced to rest forever.

In the distance you swore you could hear the now familiar screech that haunted your dreams. But it was too far out for you to make out. So you followed Joel, the sun beating down on both of you even through the trees. Sweat stuck to the back of your neck, your fingers slippery on the trigger of your gun. And you both walked in silence—focused on your surroundings. Too anxious to even allow yourselves to whisper.

Yet with Joel it never felt like you were losing time.

How could you? When he was giving back what you lost.

No one else would do this. No one would bother to make sure that you got a chance to visit the city you dreamed about, the place where your future was supposed to be. But he would.

Joel would have given you the sun if you asked him to—if only to see you smile.

Your words from last night continued to rise to the surface, placing themselves on the tip of your tongue, and begging you to open your mouth. Yet as much as you wanted to stand atop the tallest building in the city and shout it from the top of your lungs, you knew you couldn't.

Those words remained hidden in your chest like a wound that could never truly heal. A gaping hole that forced you to bleed out each time you acknowledged its presence.

The sad part was that Joel wasn't the one to rip it open. He was simply someone who managed to stir it awake. He brought it to life with just one look. You started bleeding years ago with loss after loss, until eventually...you stopped trying to close it up with cheap booze and an even cheaper version of what you ached for.

What you needed to sustain you.

"You never told me," Joel said abruptly, shutting down those thoughts within seconds. "About your life."

You smiled despite the effort and lack of breath. "There's not much to tell."

"I doubt that darlin'." He fell into step with you, his hand brushing across yours gently, but even you knew holding hands wasn't a luxury you could afford right now. Not when you'd have to run at a moment's notice. "What was college like?"

Scoffing, you adjusted the strap of your pack. "Parties, hangovers, and lots of coffee."

"Sounds 'bout right."

"Why Joel Miller. Don't tell me you went to college."

He leaned into you, his shoulder hitting yours with enough force to throw you slightly off course. "I didn't. My brother Tommy did. Well...he enrolled."

"Ah yes. The infamous Miller," you joked, grabbing onto his arm to steady yourself.

He snorted, wrapping it around your waist instead. "I wouldn't call him that."

"Then tell me about him."

His eyes met yours, grief still pressing against the light that once was there, but you could see something else linger below. A sense of joy that only came when talking about his younger sibling. A relief that he had family still alive, still around for him to worry about. You knew the fear remained that one day...he might not have that person to worry about, that the world would remain just as cruel as before.

That thought hit you harder than you would have liked—the face of your own brother flashing in your mind. You couldn't save him. Shit, you barely even knew if he was still alive or dead. And that in itself was a different type of grief; a horror you wouldn't wish on anyone.

Least of all Joel.

"He was in the army."

A fallen tree came into view, blocking the path. Joel climbed over it first, grunting as he jumped down, his feet slamming hard when he landed. He took your hand as you went next, helping you go softer than him, checking with a glance to make sure you hadn't snagged yourself on the split wood.

You recall your own brother enlisting, although your mother used to claim you were too young to remember the day he left. But you could make out the hazy images of tear filled goodbyes and hugs that lasted longer than normal. He joined to find purpose. You understood that now.

"Nearly gave our parents a heart attack when he came home with the news." Joel huffed, his hand still clasped tightly around yours. "But Tommy was eighteen. And damn stubborn."

You tried to picture the other Miller as you did when Joel first mentioned him, yet still came up blank. They must look alike. Maybe the same nose, or jaw. No matter how hard you tried though, you could see nothing but a faceless man—a blank slate to the one Joel spoke of so fondly.

"He's younger than you?"

Joel nodded. "By a few years."

The thought of Joel trying to be a good role model for his brother made you smile. You wondered if they ever got into trouble together, if there were stories he might tell you one day when you finally found a safe place to live.

"So...he was the troublemaker of the family."

His gaze slid over to you, eyebrow arching slightly in faux surprise. "I wouldn't say that."

You grinned. “Let me guess…” Joel’s hand tightened around yours. “You were the responsible brother.”

“I had to be.”

“He sounds fun. Maybe I should have met him first.” Glancing to your side, you didn’t see as his face darkened. A look of something wild crossed his face, the painful grip on your hand bringing you back as he yanked you forward. “Joel—”

Unexpected. That is what you continued to feel each time Joel kissed you. Unexpected in his action, unexpected in the feelings he buried beneath the rubble of his heart. You felt yourself stumble into his chest, his lips sliding against your roughly, as he gave into that wild unknown sensation.

A hunger that consumed him quickly. Larger than anything he’d known before.

He exhaled, pulling away with reluctance, and you nearly moved forward to take back that fleeting euphoria. His thumb and forefinger pinching your chin lightly kept you in place. Until you opened your eyes—catching his gaze. Want burned in his iris—turning the deep brown a shade of black—but something darker peeked out, a possessive glint. A promise that you were his.

“Trust me darlin’,” he murmured, lips pulling up into a small grin. Your stomach fluttered rapidly at the sight of his eyes sliding down to your lips—his tongue running along his bottom lip. You wanted it in your mouth. “You’ve got the better brother.”

That remained clear the second you met him. But the tease still lingered in the air. A hint of irritation plucked at Joel’s heart as he thought about you and Tommy instead. If there’s one thing he knew it was this: Tommy would make you laugh as often as possible. He wouldn’t quit until he saw joy overtake the grief on your face. But something told him you needed more than humor.

Even as you looked at him like that—eyes soft and hazy with need—he still felt the innate need to prove himself. To show that he was it for you; that no matter what happened next, Joel was going to be yours.

His face darkened and you longed to peel away the layers of murkiness that hid his true feelings.

But that was the thing about Joel. He’d never show you outright what he kept beneath the surface—not unless he was telling you himself.

His hand took yours again, a small kiss pressed to your temple as he started walking. Towards a future so tangible you could almost feel it between your fingertips. How it ebbed and flowed despite the endless mountain ridges you were yet to traverse.

There was no telling where it dropped off. Where this future finally settled, but regardless of what happened, you’d remain. You would choose Joel over and over again, even if this path led to your death. As long as he was safe—as long as he survived. To you Joel was the only thing you could save—having given up on yourself years ago.

You were two broken souls, but given the chance, you’d piece him back together.

You could see that the path veered back towards the forest, probably to some old forgotten campgrounds. A part of you nearly asked him to head that way, but you stopped before you started. The realization dawned on you quicker than you would have liked. How many people never made it home? How many lost parts of humanity still remained in a place meant solely for joy?

A cold unsettling feeling burrowed its way into your stomach, nausea rising quickly to the surface. Everywhere you looked, death stared back with an empty gaze.

A promise already embedded too deep to remove.

This is how it was always meant to go. This is where it would always lead to.

Joel couldn’t see the terror stricken expression across your face. You were in too deep to ask him for a rescue anyways. So you simply remained. Entrenched in the thick darkness. Yet your feet still moved, your body still complied. He led you closer and closer to the outskirts of the city. And where you expected fear to arise, you found nothing but numbness.

An echo of pain that called out to you. How could you fear what you already knew? The infected were no longer the embodiment of your worst horror come to life.

No, that title now belonged to the man holding your hand so gently in his. Squeezing every few minutes in an act of unconscious reassurance. His fate, his life, it all twisted together until you could barely catch your breath.

He turned to glance at you over his shoulder, his lips curving into a soft smile, the lines around his eyes deeper than before. You nearly gasped as you were yanked out of the darkness, warm air brushing across your face. For those few seconds you felt the sunlight against your face. The worries melted away and this is what you were left with.

Pure broken love.

“Tired?” he asked, oblivious to the way you were drowning.

You grinned, moving closer. “Not really.”

“We got a few more hours.”

Perfect.

You didn’t say it aloud, but you could see the sentiment was reflected back in his eyes. He wanted this as much as you. Where the world only existed in time spent alone. Where nothing could harm you here in your infinite haven with him.

Returning his smile, you squeezed his hand softly, doing what you could to burn the feel of his calloused skin into your mind. Whether it took a few hours or a few days, you didn’t mind. As long as it was with him.

Silence.

That’s all you heard throughout a city once plagued by noise. Where thousands of people used to live—creating the hustle and bustle of the city that used to never rest, now an echoey hollowness remained. At last…the city was asleep. And you hated it.

Life should spill out of every crack and crevice of this place, but there was nothing. You felt as if you should grieve for what once was, but no emotions rose to the surface. Instead you were faced with a bottomless pit of something that once existed.

Joel’s hand was replaced with your weapons, his gun clutched tightly in his own grip. You remained on the outskirts, but that didn’t mean you were safe. If anything you were in more danger this out in the open. There should have been something by now. Yet it seemed that fate had a different idea altogether.

In a way, you were beyond thankful, but uncertainty still remained. A reminder that this would only last for so long. Fate offered what it could, and you took without a second thought. There would never be another chance like this—never another moment of peace.

Sweat stuck to the back of your neck as you walked, eyes scanning the area like clockwork. Joel was a few paces ahead, his body tense, finger on the trigger in case of the worst. You hoped it would never come. Neither of you spoke for fear that whatever remained in the abandoned buildings could hear you. The air was sticky with heat and you felt your body begin to dry out the longer the both of you traveled.

“We can rest up ahead,” he called over his shoulder as if your thoughts were projected to him.

“Do you know where we’re going?”

It’s not that you didn’t trust him—you did—but wandering in the city felt like a risk you shouldn’t be taking more than a trip of enjoyment.

“I’ve got an idea.”

You scoffed. “That’s helpful.”

“Don’t tell me you don’t trust me now Boston,” he drawled with a halfway grin across his face.

“It’s kind of late for that…Texas.”

“No shit.”

You did your best to hold back the laugh that bubbled to the surface, but there was no use. You couldn’t stop it now. Joel looked surprised for a split second, his lips parting into a wide smile, until he began to laugh with you. Deep and rough and perfectly Joel.

This. This is what you ached for most. Joy—no matter how small—in a time where the concept no longer existed. If you could bring that to each other even as you fought to survive then you’d be okay.

In the near distance you could see it, a small section of benches surrounded by nothing but overgrown bushes, flower patches, and trees that would have never been allowed to grow that tall. A sense of elation filled your chest at the sight of a park. So out in the open, so mundane in a city quickly being overtaken by nature. Ivy trailed up the buildings as if that alone kept the ruins together, but you’d never seen something so beautiful.

“I got some food left over,” he muttered, rummaging in his pack as you took a seat on a bench covered by vines. “Nothin’ much, but it’ll work till we dig up somethin’ else.”

You took it gratefully, taking in the area with wonder as you caught every small piece that might show a hint of the past. Shop signs were broken off, rubble scattered through the streets, and abandoned cars were lined up like barriers to the inside of buildings. Perhaps people had come through here before, trapping the infected inside as they made their way through the city quickly.

“Do you remember what it was like?”

He threw a quick glance over his shoulder, catching sight of the coffee shop sign you were fixated on—half of it gone and broken on the asphalt. Everything here had been destroyed over the years. Taken, ripped a part, and left to rot. Yet the cracks in the streets where plants grew told Joel that life still found a way to flourish. Even as darkness and cruelty became the figurehead of humanity.

“Loud,” he said, biting into the dusty granola bar.

You smiled, shifting to make room for him as he joined you on the bench. “So I’ve heard. The city that never sleeps. I guess it was named that for a reason.”

“People were crammed into every corner.” He pointed up to a building in the distance. Surprisingly it hadn’t collapsed yet. “I stayed there. Fourth floor.”

“Hotel?”

He nodded. “Expensive as shit.”

“That tracks.”

“But I had fun.” He grinned, eyes distant as if replaying moments of his past, reliving what it was like to be in this city at the height of its prime. “Tommy wanted to move here. After the army.”

“Did you…want to go with him?”

Joel huffed, eyes falling to his hands as he broke apart the granola bar—anxiety bleeding off his body and seeping into yours. “No. That life was his. Not mine.”

Counting in your head, you tried to calculate at what age Joel might have been when Tommy came home. What might have happened in his life. Until the conversation from earlier came back to you like a fist to your face. Sarah. You tried to picture him as a young dad, raising a little girl, and suddenly the gap between your years and his felt like a chasm you shouldn’t cross.

A split in the ground so deep you could see right down to the center of the Earth.

“And to think,” you replied, resting your chin on his shoulder. “I could have met you here.”

His laugh was shadowed by pain—grief he’d never let you see in its entirety. “You wouldn’t have gone for me.”

“That’s not true.”

“What with you bein’ a fancy museum worker?” He turned, his nose brushing against yours. “Gettin’ you to look twice at me would have taken some effort.”

You smiled, stealing a kiss. “You’re wrong. I’d have asked you out in an instant if I saw you. Maybe…in a bar.” His laugh was soft, raspy as if he’d been shouting for hours. “Or a park.”

“Yeah?” You wanted to keep his smile. “How would it go?”

“Well…” Pulling back, you pressed a finger to your chin, eyebrows pulling together as you pretended to lose yourself in thought. “I’d begin the conversation, because you’re not much of a talker.” He pinched your side, drawing out a laugh.

“And you’d say?”

Forcing your face into a stoic expression, you grasped his shoulders. “Excuse me sir. Are you a fan of country music?”

He snorted, his body shaking as he broke between your palms. Laughing so hard he nearly dropped his granola bar on the floor. If you closed your eyes, you could imagine the sounds of the city in the background. The echo of what could have been reverberating to you through the years.

This would be it. The moment you knew you were head over heels for the man sitting beside you.

This is where you’d start to plan a future.

“And you’d say…of course, I’m from Texas darlin’.” You did your best to morph your voice into his, but couldn’t get through it without smiling.

Joel cupped your chin, tugging your lips close enough to feel them brush across his—your heart now beating an unsteady rhythm in your chest. “Of course.”

“And I’d say…that’s funny. I’m from Boston.” Sadness seeped into your heart when he looked at you like that—as if you were the only person to exist on this planet. His hope. His lifeline. “And the rest is history.”

He pressed his lips against yours, stealing a kiss soft enough to crack off another splinter of your heart. “I like that version of history.”

“Me too,” you breathed, biting down hard on your bottom lip to keep the sting of tears at bay.

You could feel the pain in your feet begin to shoot through your lower back. Traveling steadily with each step. From what you could tell, the sun was dipping into mid afternoon, still early in the day, but late enough to cause worry. Staying in the city past nightfall didn’t bode well for either of you. Yet somehow…you were traveling deeper into the maze of fallen buildings and broken roads.

“Joel—”

He stopped in the middle of the road, his back straight and shoulders tense. You braced yourself for the worst, hands grabbing tightly onto the weapon clutched to your chest. A small chirp of birds sounded in the distance, animals echoing their sentiments back to the broken world around them. Yet nothing sounded dangerous enough to cause worry.

“What is it?”

Glancing back at you, he threw you a cautionary smile, head tilting as if to say join me. 

So you followed his instruction. Stepping around the cracks in the street to stand close, facing him as he looked at something behind you.

“We’re here.”

Confusion lined your face, worry filtering through your chest. “Where’s…here?”

“Turn around.”

His hands grasped your shoulders, shifting you until you were staring at the building he was. And for a moment you nearly laughed; claimed it was a good joke walking you nowhere. Only for your eyes to catch sight of the cracked and broken steps before you. Weeds grew between what still remained and the front was blown to shit, but you’d recognize this building even with your eyes closed.

The final destination in the path of your old future.

“The Met?” you whispered, eyes wide in awe at the sight of such a grand building torn to bits.

He pressed his lips to your ear. “Thought you might want to see it in person this time.”

Those three words you uttered last night, barely spoken at all, suddenly felt too small to describe the depth of what you felt. You didn’t just love Joel. You would die for him. You’d take any pain he harbored and carry it as your own. And you’d do all this…because he’d do the exact same for you. Love felt too little in the grand scheme of things.

How could you simply love someone who would bring you the future and lay it at your feet?

“Is it safe?” Your voice was barely above a whisper, tinged by awe.

“Probably not.”

“So we could die?”

“There’s a good chance.”

You smiled, tangling his hand in yours. “I think it’s worth it.”

“Yeah.” He squeezed your palm softly. “I do too.”

Carefully he led you up the steps. A walk that felt surreal after years of dreaming this exact moment. You knew one day you’d get here. Whether that was with a degree and a resume in your hand, or holding the hand of a man who saved you. You didn’t care, because finally…there you stood.

Ivy crawled up the sides of the building, the doors were no longer attached, and you felt as if you were walking into a different universe. The entrance that you’d seen in brochures and pictures somehow looked prettier this way; slowly being captured by the hands of nature. As she shifted the land of humans to her point of view.

The almost crystalline marble shone differently in the direct sunlight. Glancing up you caught sight of the hole in the ceiling. This building must have been affected by the bombing.

“I remember this part,” he said suddenly, an awestruck expression painted across his face. He looked like a young man again, taking his first visit to this grand old museum.

“This is called The Great Hall. And it was Richard Morris Hunt that was the architect on the project. One hundred years ago. Well give or take a few years.”

A stream of words left your mouth without a single thought. Explanations of the different parts that once existed, the historical references for how they were built. And for a moment you felt nineteen again. Fresh out of an art history class; the knowledge once again at the forefront of your mind.

All the while Joel watched with a glint in his eyes, silent to what you had to say, yet focused entirely on you. The museum wasn’t important to him. Hell he barely gave a shit about what used to be here. But something changed in your demeanor as you spoke about art and the history attached to it. You bloomed before his very eyes.

You came alive.

“I wonder if a few of the paintings are still around,” you murmured, eyes averting to one side of the room. “Could we…”

He nodded, readying his gun. “We can try.”

You expected this place to be crawling with infected. At least a few here and there, yet nothing but silence greeted you with each new room you entered. It became unnerving after a while. As if fate was waiting to drop the other shoe, tearing apart something already special.

Hesitation lingered in each step you took, fear crawling along your nerves like a spider, until you entered a room filled with paintings torn apart. Once upon a time it was a gallery, yet now the delicate pieces of history were nothing but a reminder of what happened.

Tucked away on a side wall, you found a painting still hanging. A small crack went through the top corner of the glass covering it, but as a whole the piece remained pristine enough to make out.

“You know that one?” he asked, following your quick pace through the room.

“Allegory of the Planets and Continents.”

“Allegory huh?”

You nodded. “Painted by Tiepolo in…1752.”

“I can’t say I’ve heard of him.”

“He did a lot of allegorical pieces.” You tilted your head, eyes tracing the intricate details that were nearly lost to time. Joel did the same. “I remember seeing this in a class presentation.”

He hummed, his gaze finding its way back to you. “And what does it mean?”

“A number of things really.” You pointed to the center. “That’s Apollo. And those are the gods as a representation of the planets. Mars, Jupiter, Venus. You know.”

“And them?”

You sighed. “Humanity.” His hand found its way towards yours, fingers twining together as you stood there. Alone in a museum together. “They’re waiting for Apollo to take to the skies and bring about the sun.”

“Seems like a lot of work for a God.”

The smile that crossed your face made Joel’s chest tighten. “I guess it was. Although it’s strange. Back then people were waiting for the sun and now…well now we wait for death.”

Pain flared in his heart quickly and without warning. But he did his best to force it down, steadying himself in your hold. Oh how he wished he could tell you the truth. About the past he had yet to accept as his own. About the bullet that never met its mark—the hand that remained unsteady even now.

“We should go soon,” you said, pulling him out of his own mind, and he nearly thanked you. “The sun will be going down eventually.”

He nodded. “Go out the way we came.”

It hurt to say goodbye to a building you’d never been in before. But that’s not where the pain stemmed from. You’d said goodbye to the prospect of what if a long time ago. You had to. This was from losing such a precious moment with Joel—a memory you’d hold onto for as long as you could. For that time…you were simply two people wandering the halls of a museum together. Finally on a date after so long traveling.

Maybe if you had met years before in a bar or in a park. You wouldn’t have to say goodbye.

The sunlight felt different back on the steps, brighter, crueler. As if Apollo was mocking you for such a small hope, such a small dream come to life. Yet even now you couldn’t blame him.

You headed back the way you came through the city. But your feet were weary, your body drooped with each step, and eventually you’d collapse on the asphalt just as the buildings once did. Joel could tell with each look he threw your way, checking to make sure you were in fact following him. He wouldn’t have put it past you to remain in that building.

To make a home with history.

“We can’t sleep here,” he said, pausing to let you catch your breath.

“I know. My feet just…”

He nodded solemnly, squinting against the sunlight. “Wait here.”

“Joel?”

There was no time to question his actions, because you were out of breath as it was, and he was moving further away quicker than you expected. Standing there in the middle of the street wasting sunlight turned your insides with every second that passed. Your eyes caught sight of him turning a corner before he vanished entirely from your sight. And you held onto the thin shred of sanity you had left in your body.

You trusted Joel. A fact truer than anything you’d known in your life.

So you waited, watched your surrounding areas, and held your breath. 

If you weren’t so unnerved by the silence, you might have found it enjoyable. Some peace before the two of you went in search of a QZ that may no longer be there. That thought never occurred to you—traveling with Joel kept you distracted enough to where you didn’t focus on the important things. The question that now picked at your heart.

What were you supposed to do if the QZ wasn’t there? Where would you go?

Blind faith is all that kept you going, but that never seemed to be enough. In the end you were left with nothing but disappointment. You’d run all out of faith when it came to the fates. The still healing wound on your side was proof enough of that.

The echo of dried leaves cracking beneath feet signaled to you that Joel must have returned. Whatever he was looking for must have been a bust. The smile on your face and tease right on the tip of your tongue died in moments as you turned. A rock falling to your stomach, filling you with dread.

Dried blood caked down the side of their face. A deep red now a rust brown; a stark contrast to the green moss that covered their torn clothes.

Every time you saw one you felt the punch to your gut grow stronger. As if lead embedded itself in your flesh. Again. Your breath came in short, eyes stuck staring at what was once a person. They stumbled forward, body twitching with every stunted shift. And you wanted to scream. Shout for Joel, but your mouth sealed itself shut, your body rooted to the ground beneath you.

The whole time you were aching for life to return to this city, you forgot. Life already existed here. Mangled and rotting and steeped in death.

But life nonetheless.

They turned, eyes glassy and empty, but somewhere in the depth of them they recognized that you were alive. Your heart pounded against your chest, louder than their fucking screech. It pierced right through your skin, a slice to the already existing wound.

You clutched Joel’s gun, finger sliding along the trigger. It was easy enough to pull, to set the bullet flying towards its mark. And you should have pulled it, should have watched as they dropped, but like an idiot…you hesitated.

Why the fuck did you hesitate?

A pause of silence filled the space, echoing louder than any gun could have, before time slowed before your very eyes. How fucking stupid of you. To think you’d be safe. They clocked your shift back, head twitching, before that horrifying click you’d come to hate echoed in your ears. You were dead the second they started to run, limbs flying and body thrashing, as if the control stemmed to one part.

One sole purpose.

Infect.

“Fuck!” you shouted, ignoring the ache in your feet as you sprinted in the direction Joel disappeared to. If you were lucky he was still there.

Yet life had a way of proving to you that luck had nothing to do with why you remained alive.

“Joel!” You gasped for breath, doing what you could to ignore how they sped up behind you, their screech somehow louder as it echoed off the buildings around you. “Joel!”

If you could get the upper hand you could put a bullet in their skull, but your thought process happened too late. Glancing over your shoulder, you were blinded by their body launching at you. Toppling you to the ground as they scratched for your face, any part of you they could sink their teeth into. You don’t remember screaming, or even calling Joel’s name. You simply fought. You tugged on the loose thread of pure fucking rage that called your name—screamed for you to do survive.

“You piece of shit!” you yelled, managing to hold them off with your forearm, your fingers grappling for the knife attached to your side. “You fucking animal!”

“Boston!”

Yanking it out, you nearly cried in relief as you jammed it into their neck, shoving it in deep enough to hear a crunch as it met bone. Satisfaction pulled at your chest. You didn’t stop there. Dragging it out, you sliced through their shoulder, their throat, any part of them you could reach. Until you were no better than the monster that now lay above you. Lifeless.

Hands came out of nowhere, grasping onto their corpse and shoving it off you. You nearly took a swing at the person above you, the red fury blinding you to anything that could have existed nearby. The feral piece of your heart—the survivor—had been set in motion and they called for blood.

Joel’s hands yanked the knife out of your clutch, his voice calling your name, and for a moment you felt lost to the depths of your own fury. You would have killed him if he wasn’t fast enough to dodge that knife.

“Boston!” He pressed you to the ground, his body sitting on your waist, hands keeping your wrists together. “Baby it’s me.”

The breath in your lungs escaped in a sharp gasp, your body stilling within seconds. Only a few times in your life had you succumbed to that raw emotion that scratched and clawed at your chest. Some days you claimed it kept you alive. Others you ignored its existence in the hopes that it would disappear for good. It was the darkness you refused to see—the one thing you wouldn’t accept about yourself.

“You’re okay,” he mumbled, releasing the hold he had on your hands in order to cup your face. “It’s dead. It’s gone. You killed it.”

You let out a shaky breath. “Why…did you leave?”

Leaning forward he pressed his forehead to yours, his breath hot across your chin. “I’m sorry darlin’. I keep doin’ that.”

Inhaling his breath, you did what you could to regulate your heart. “And I keep nearly dying.”

He grinned, pressing a kiss to the corner of your lips. “Nearly. Not if I got a say in the matter.”

Dirt covered your back as he helped you to your feet, and before you could shake it off, he brushed his hands along your body. Patting it off as best he could. The act shouldn’t have brought tears to your eyes, it shouldn’t have even been noteworthy. But the tenderness behind his touch reminded you what you could have lost.

“I want an explanation,” you said, your voice thick with tears. Thankfully he chose to ignore it.

“I found somethin’.” He pointed to a shop that held no sign, no indication that it was anything before this. “You might like it.”

You struggled to put the knife back in its place—still wary and on edge. “This better be good Texas. I didn’t almost die for nothing.”

Joel didn’t respond, but you caught the flash of something crossing his face. Dark enough to cause worry. And you wanted to ask, to prod and poke at what he was keeping to himself, but the way his fingers tightened on his gun told you enough. He didn’t like to think of you that way. Dead on the ground in a city that he brought you to. A trip that was meant to be filled with joy.

“Follow me,” he stated, pushing open that already broken door.

You half expected to see a shop, something frivolous from the past, but the sight of a garage nearly stopped you in your tracks. A dusty brown cover cloaked something in the middle, but the shape was familiar enough to light up your chest. A car. Joel tugged at the cover, kicking up dirt and whatever else lay atop, but you couldn’t care less.

It’s once beautiful dark red color looked aged with however long it had been here. Never one to know cars, you simply knew that it was expensive—a thing that would have cost the entirety of your tuition at one point.

“How…” you breathed.

“Saw the logo on the window,” he replied. “I figured it was a hardware store until I came in.”

“Does it work?”

He shrugged. “Probably not.”

You deflated slightly. “Can we…fix it?”

The sun was going down faster than you would have liked and Joel knew it. He could see how you were both losing time the longer you were there. But the prospect of having an escape kept him on the edge. His grim expression made the choice for you as you moved to pop the hood. Your bag, now discarded on the floor by his feet.

“I don’t know much about cars—”

“Lucky you got me.”

“Don’t tell me. You’re a contractor who knows cars?”

Joel huffed. “Someone had to help my brother fix up his shitty truck.”

The words were good enough for you as he moved you out of the way, ducking down to peer at the engine. His shirt tugged up his back as he leant forward, his skin coated in a sheen of sweat. If it were any other time and the prospect of this car working didn’t depend on life or death, you would have sat back and admired him.

But the edge from earlier still ran through your veins, adrenaline the only thing that kept you upright and stable. Joel worked silently, cursing under his breath every now and then. Only speaking to ask for certain tools. And you watched the sun begin to dip lower. Suddenly you found yourself regretting never taking auto shop in high school. Choosing wood shop over it in a heartbeat.

“Turn her over,” he said, wiping the sweat away from his neck. You felt warmth pool in your stomach at the sight.

Jamming the screwdriver into the ignition, you turned it slowly, hope cresting at the top of your chest. Only for the sputter of an engine to die out in seconds.

“Shit,” he muttered, glancing back at the work he’d put in. “The battery ain’t dead yet and I fixed everythin’ else. Try again for me darlin’.”

You repeated the motion, pressing down on the gas pedal, clutching the wheel in your hand. Whether it was you attempting to force life into the car, or sheer fucking luck, you’d never know. But the echo of the engine roaring to life flooded you with enough relief you fell back into the seat with a smile.

“Joel?”

He looked up, a smile of pride across his lips. “Yeah baby?”

“Let’s get the fuck out of New York.”

Nodding, he tossed your bag into the backseat as you let him slide into the driver's seat. “I like the sound of that.”

The calm of the forest welcomed the both of you with open arms. As if promising the rest you ached for desperately. Miles and miles of trees—of different shades of green and brown—were softly illuminated by the sun steadily dipping in the sky. In an hour or less night would be upon the world and this day, no matter how special, would have to come to an end.

You tried not to think about it; the idea of having to say goodbye to something you’d cherish. What would keep you going if Joel and you were to ever part. What you wouldn’t do to keep the sun in the sky for a while longer. Give up a few years of your own life, of the future you planned with hope filled eyes and empty hearts.

If staying here—in this moment—was an option, you wouldn’t hesitate to jump at the chance.

Joel slammed the trunk of the car shut, a small box of cans he found buried in the back of the garage, clutched in his hands. Despite the prospect of all this eventually ending, you caught the hint of a smile on his lips. Barely there, yet bright enough to light up your heart like a match being struck.

You found yourself smiling back—heart hammering loudly in your chest.

“We’ve got…” He raised a can covered in dents and coated in a thick layer of dust. “‘M gonna assume it’s soup.”

“Lovely,” you laughed, your face twisting up in disgust as he tossed it to you.

The dust was sticky beneath your fingers, as if something had spilled across it years ago. You figured it was best not to question more than necessary. Settling on the ground, you plunged your knife into the cover, taking a hesitant whiff of something probably expired past saving. Much to your surprise though, a pungent scent of tomatoes greeted you.

“Raviolis,” you exclaimed, delight scrawled across your face.

You wished you could have seen Joel’s eyes go soft, seen the way he practically melted at the expression of joy you wore. Joel Miller remained hard as stone to the rest of the world, but in moments like this, when peace was prominent and life gave way to something other than pain. He allowed himself to feel. For a bit…he was the man he might have been a decade ago.

“Good enough for me.”

Prying the lid off, you watched as he set up stones for a small enough pit. You were far enough in the forest that it would take people several hours to get to you. Far enough away from civilization of any kind. What remained in the city, the bits and pieces left behind, would never be enough to build what used to exist. Like it or not…that part of the world had come to a close.

The chapter sealed and signed off with enough blood to keep it shut forever.

“Thank you,” you said softly as he struck a match from the small box you kept in your pack. “For today.”

He grinned, glancing down at his hands that fiddled with a stick. “Was nothin’ really. You wanted to see the city and we were heading this way—”

“Joel.” Cupping his face, you shifted his shining brown eyes until they were upon your face. Gazing at you with a look he’d never shown you before. “You gave me a day I’ll never forget.” He chuckled, grasping onto your waist gently. “Thank you.”

Those two words didn’t seem like enough to get your message across. You wanted to do the same for him. To give him something he’d remember, but nothing felt enough.

He pulled you closer. “Would have been better if you didn’t get attacked.”

“Well…” You looped your arm around his neck. “I knew what I was getting into when I chose you.”

Something shifted in the air between you the second he led you up those cracked and broken museum steps. The front of the building had been blown clean off by bombs, but you’d recognize it anywhere. The place where your future once led to. A home in your heart for so long. A dream not yet come to life. Joel took care to lead, to put himself in harm's way to keep you safe. But it was more than that.

He gave you time to look.

To take back a part of your past you never got to have.

An act that he’d never be able to do. He couldn’t go back, couldn’t take anything from his past that hadn’t already been destroyed. The watch on his wrist was all he’d keep. But you…he could give this to you. He could heal something in your heart you didn’t even realize was broken.

“I’d do it again,” he murmured, lips sliding along the inside of your wrist, nose pressed to your palm.

Your heart ached for him; body burned for him. And in the lowlight of the sun, you found your hope in him. It glimmered softly, barely within reach, but Joel had kept it for you all this time. He made sure to protect what you couldn’t—what you had given up.

“Kiss me,” you whispered, catching his quickly darkening gaze. “Please.”

The crackle of the flames couldn’t hide his small groan of pleasure as his lips met yours. What he intended to be soft, reverent in a way he’d never been before, shifted rapidly. His hand slid up your body, fingers wrapped gently around your throat to keep you in place. To help him devour you a bit deeper. That alone sent a flutter to rush through your entire body, your fingers digging into his wrist, silently begging for him to press down tighter.

To cut off the air he exhaled into your lungs.

“You got no idea—” He sucked in a breath when your lips met his throat, teeth nipping at the salty skin. Red bloomed beneath the surface as you went, small marks and bruises to prove that he wasn’t dreaming. That this trip was real—that you were real.

He growled, fingers tightening around your throat to pull your lips back to his, a rough breath exhaled into your open mouth. “No idea what you do to me darlin’.”

Sticky warm wet heat spilled into your stomach, flooding your already damp panties. The can was forgotten on the edge of the pit, his touch far more enticing than a few meager pieces of food. If you could survive on one thing alone, you’d want it to be him. You would train your body to sustain itself on his touch, his tongue sliding along yours, his fingers digging into your skin.

He’d become your oxygen, your reason for living.

“I-I do.” You gasped as his teeth dug into your throat, hands quickly stripping you of your flannel. Helping him, you yanked at your shirt, discarding it to the side. Nothing mattered but the feel of his tongue tracing along your skin—the hot mix of his touch and spit made you dizzy. “You do the same to me.”

A soft grunt was muffled into your chest, his hips rising up to grind against something. To gain what little friction he could.

In the midst of kissing him, he managed to drag you into his lap, your knees pressed to the forest floor on either side of his hips. Your body, as close as you could get with clothes in the way. You could feel the heavy press of him against your thigh and clenched around nothing. The needy emptiness that slammed into your body was nearly too much, but you held onto what little fragments of sanity still remained.

You clung to the bits of yourself he wished to consume, knowing the consequences of what might come afterwards.

But how could you give a fuck about consequences when his touch lit you up like the fire to your left? How could you care about anything else? When his lips wrapped around your peaked nipple and sucked at it as if you were his source of life.

His hands slid up your back, skin hot wherever he touched, as he pulled you down into his lap a bit more. Enough to feel the familiar press of his cock straining against his jeans. The sun was nearly gone now, light bleeding through the branches of the trees, and you let the warmth consume you. You relished in its burning caress as he worshiped your skin with his mouth, his hands that had spilled blood for you.

“Need to be—” He bit off with a sharp moan as you rolled your hips down, giving him the pressure he needed. “Fuck keep doin’ that.”

You were desperate for him and you weren’t afraid to admit it to yourself. The infatuation bordered on obsession, but if you were to say that about him he’d finally have to admit the same to you. He’d have to crack open his chest, bleed through your fingers like sand, and allow you to dig your way to his heart. As if you were conducting an autopsy on his body—picking a part each dark piece that he was ashamed to hold onto.

“Touch me,” you whined, digging your fingers into his hair as he dug his into your hips. A burning bruising touch that left you needy.

He grinned, pulling at the button of your pants. “I am touchin’ you darlin’.”

“You—fuck, fuck, fuck—” His fingers slid through your slick, finding their way to the parts of you he’d memorized in such a short time. Your clit practically throbbed beneath his touch, body shuddering as he circled it with enough pressure to electrify your nerves. “Yes.”

“That’s what you want?” The question was irrelevant. He knew this better than you, but that wasn’t what he was asking.

Is this enough? This quick fuck beside a fire as you both hid the real reason. Was his touch, his kiss, enough to show the truth?

Was he enough?

You choked out a soft yes, your lips finding his in a sloppy spit slicked kiss, and his fingers became insistent in their determination to watch you break. Joel had become addicted to the sight. His very own guilty pleasure—yet how could he feel guilty about something so angelic? How could he repent for a sin that he’d give up everything for? What was the point of worshiping at an altar when heaven existed between your thighs?

Eventually his fingers wouldn’t be enough. For either of you. But he was focused on one thing, feeling your pussy spill along his palm. He sunk two fingers into you knuckle deep and smiled as your head fell back, a throaty moan echoing off the trees. You grinded against his hand, fingers tugging at the hair on the nape of his neck. And this was enough.

“Prettiest fucking thing I’ve ever seen,” he murmured, hand still placed around your throat. His cock leaked as it constricted with your swallow and images of what he’d look like in your mouth flashed in his mind.

“M-More—” You gasped, your clit dragging along the heel of his calloused palm.

But you had begged for something else and Joel was never one to deny you. He ripped at your pants as you did the same with his, your lips messy and rough against his. You swallowed his moan the second your cold hand wrapped around his throbbing cock—precum sliding down your palm as he did his best not to finish there and then. He was so fucking wound up that this would be over before it began.

Neither of you cared.

“You’ve gotta know,” he rasped, gripping onto your bare hip as you hovered directly over his cock. Your pussy practically dripped onto him.

“Know what?” you sighed, sliding him through your slick.

He squeezed his eyes shut to the sight of you. The shine of firelight and sunlight played against your skin and Joel felt his body tighten painfully. The view alone nearly made you double over in pleasure, your breaths coming in short gasps as he fought to finish on the front of your pussy.

“That I—” He gasped as you began to sink down onto him, encasing him that sticky heat he’d begun to think was the cause of his demise. He’d never be able to live without this. Without getting to carve his way into your body. “Fuck darlin’.”

You grinned, cupping his chin and pulling his attention back. “I’ll go slow.”

“You don’t have to take it easy on me.”

“Seems like I might.”

A rumble started in the base of his chest, lips curving up as he caught your mouth in a searing kiss you felt down to your toes. The grip on your throat tightened as you began to move slowly, letting him pull out of you slow enough to cause madness to rise in your chest. Like a burn you refused to let go of. Joel had other ideas. He yanked you down with enough force to drag out a high pitched cry from your chest, your mouth falling open in a silent scream when he set his own pace.

Quick and fast and filthy enough to sign your name on hell’s roster. He wanted to fuck himself into your body so deep he was buried there. Wanted to paint your insides until you were leaking him all morning. He wanted to etch himself into your soul.

Permanent and without shame.

“C’mon darlin’.” His teeth dug into your jaw, pain slicing through the pleasure deliciously. “Let me hear ya.”

You curled into him, meeting him thrust for thrust as he pounded up into you. “‘S good,” you gasped, coherency going right out the window.

He grinned, tugging at your throat. “You can do better than that.”

Words faintly entered your mind before disappearing seconds later as he tilted your hips slightly. You scratched at his chest when his cock struck right where you needed him. Right where your mouth began to form words you fought so hard to keep at bay. Words that revealed too much, gave a window into your heart, and if you had the capability you’d shut your fucking mouth. But it was far too late for that.

“You like that?” he groaned, teeth digging into his plush bottom lip as he kept the angle. The veins on his neck were strained, begging for you lick at them, and you dipped down to distract yourself from the words.

The one thing that seemed to catch his attention.

“What was that?”

You whined, wrapped an arm around his neck as you dragged your hips along the coarse hair at the base of his cock. “Nothing,” you mumbled, sucking at his neck.

Only for him to pull you off by your throat, his lips hovering over yours. “What’d you say?”

“I—” You clung to him, begging for the truth to sink back into your chest. But he was staring at you with dark eyes and a parted mouth begging for you to kiss it. He looked at you as if you were ethereal and for that small moment, you believed it. “I love you.”

He sucked in a sharp breath, his hips stuttering in their movement. You watched his eyes go wide, understanding finally dawning across his features, and you prepared yourself for the worst. You waited for him to reject you. The words never came. He pulled you into a kiss, tongue sliding along yours, as he sped up his thrusts. Grunting into your mouth with each one—his body taut and begging for release.

“Yeah?” he panted into your mouth. You nodded, feeling the burn of pleasure begin to flash white behind your shut eyes.

“So much,” you sobbed, tears spilling down your cheeks. Something pulled tight in your stomach, building with each stunted move of his body against yours. You needed it, would beg on your knees for it, and Joel was right there with you.

His dark gaze met yours as he finally released your throat in favor of finding your clit. “Say it again.”

Heat rocketed up your spine as you locked down around his cock, his fingers insistent and rough. “I love you!” you cried, trembling in his hold. Those three words you’d been so afraid to say out loud finally spilled free over and over and over again. Until you couldn’t hear them anymore over the loud rush in your ears.

He slammed his hips up one last time, lips finding yours in a bruising kiss, and found his own peak. Spilling into you with a moan, his arms wrapping around your waist to keep you pressed up close. You wondered if he feared you’d vanish before his very eyes.

“I love you,” he sighed, his forehead pressed to yours, eyes shut to your own wide gaze.

The words didn’t register at first, simply flying directly over your head. Yet as silence wrapped around your entwined bodies, sunlight disappearing over the last of the trees, you finally understood. No orgasm could match the absolute bliss that filled your body at the echo of his voice forming those words. Of their soft cadence. He was hesitant to look at you, to face what could finally break him, but your hands cupping his face drew him out of his own mind.

“Say it again,” you whispered, smiling so bright your cheeks ached. “Please.”

Before you could bask in their beauty, he was pulling away. Digging into his pack that lay behind him. You wanted to stop him, bring him back to this current moment, but the glint of something gold caused you to freeze. The breath once again caught in your chest.

For the first time you saw Joel grow nervous. Almost bashful as he lifted his hand and allowed a small green jewel on a gold chain to dangle between the both of you. The last of the sunlight glinted off the emerald and for some reason it reminded you of him. How it shone in those rare moments when light caught it just right. Yet held a darkness to it, a hidden truth yet to be revealed.

“I love you,” he said, pressing the necklace into your palms. “I always will darlin’.”

Tears dripped onto his hands as you clutched the dainty piece of jewelry to your chest. “Oh Joel.”

“It’s not a ring—”

You silenced him with a tear filled kiss, salt spilling across his tongue. He did what he could to wipe them away, but like it or not there seemed to be no end in sight. Not when your heart finally latched onto all those broken pieces you thought were lost. Joel did the one thing you never thought possible. He healed you.

“It’s enough.” You smiled into his kiss, the necklace digging into your palm—carving its shape into your skin. “You’re enough.”

You could see it now. The path your future led to. Not a building, or a job, or even a home. The end of your path—your grand plan—would always and forever lead to him.

[maybege]

Paz with no. 56 please 😵‍💫🥵 you’re amazing!! Thank you!!

Guess who is back, babes! After starting 2023 off with the trip of my dreams, I am finally back home and so so so excited to post this smut prompt. Thank you so much for sending in a prompt! I know it has been taking me a long time but I am honestly s proud of this one, even if it kind of got out of hand but it was a lot of fun to write and I hope you enjoy reading it. As always, let me know what you thought in a comment or reblog!

Annual Chances

Summary: Paz chooses you at the yearly festivities.

Pairing: Paz Vizsla x fem!Reader

Wordcount: 5.3k | Rating: E (18+ only!)

Warnings: explicit sexual content, consensual aphrodisiac, dom!Paz, sub!Reader, breeding  kink, a whole lot of size kink, verbal degradation, creampie(s), implied cockwarming

Prompts: #56 “I’d like to breed you.”

masterlist | crossposted on AO3

“Get up, sleepyhead, the invitations are in!”

You sat up, startled from your sleep and still half away in your dreams. There, the sun was shining on your bare skin, warming you from the inside out as you watched Paz play with your children, their laughter echoing through your head even as you saw your friend. Even as the reality you wished for dissolved all around you.

“Chants, what the fuck?” you hissed, unhappy to be pulled from your dreams so early and so roughly.

But your friend did not care, he simply skipped through the doorway, settling down at your side as he thrust a piece of paper in your face. By the looks of him, he had probably been awake for hours already, his job in the healing wings demanding a rather flexible sleep and work schedule.

“The invitations are in!” he repeated, a wide smile on his face, “This is your chance to finally snag that warrior of yours.”

You sat up, trying to ignore how your heart sped up from the mere thought of him. “I won’t be snagging anyone,” you corrected groggily, fishing the piece of paper from his hand, “Besides who knows if I have time to attend ...”

“Oh no, we will not have that discussion at all,” Chants protested quickly, throwing himself you’re your mattress and just barely missing your shin, “You were moping for weeks when you missed your chance at last year’s feast and I am frankly too busy having fun to anticipate having to nurse you back to happiness.”

“I wasn’t moping,” you protested with a pout, “I was just … thinking.”

“About how much happier you would be if a certain warrior carried you off into the sunset, I know,” Chants replied easily and you chose not to discuss it anymore. Perhaps he was right … Who were you kidding, of course, he was right.

You had had a crush on Paz Vizsla from afar for a long time. As soon as your clans had joined together and he had arrived with the first warriors, you had had only eyes for him. And how could you not? He was a fine specimen of a man, tall, and broad, with a deep voice that send shivers down your spine and a laugh that made you wish for a future when you could see his face.

But, alas, your shyness and his high status in the covert did not work well together. You hardly got to see him alone, and sometimes, weeks passed when you didn’t cross paths no matter how much you wished for it. And even if you managed to see him, to be in the same room as him, you were too nervous to speak.

More than once, Chants had suggested that you use the annual matchmaking feast to shoot your shot. Every person of age was invited to the party and it was without a doubt the event of the year. After all, Mandalorians valued their foundlings above everything and any excuse to celebrate what was most likely going to be the date of conception for some future ones was welcome. Countless couples had found together at the feasts over the years and the thought that it could be the day when you and Paz joined was … intriguing, to say the least.

Only that you had been too shy to attend for a long time and when you had finally gathered the courage to go to the party last year, Paz Vizsla had not been there. At the time, you were convinced that he had already chosen someone as his mate and, much to Chants’ dismay, had vowed never to attend again.

But it seemed your friend would not take a no for an answer this year.

*

“I hate this,” you muttered under your breath, trying your best to ignore your racing heart. Was it possible to throw up from nervousness? Because you were sure you could feel your stomach doing somersaults in the confines of your body.

“No, you don’t,” Chants replied easily, taking a sip of his sparkling drink, “At least the food is great.”

“I could have great food at home.”

“Yeah but not with a view like that.”

Your eyes followed his and landed on a group of broad-shouldered warriors that talked with each other by the bar. Which was ironic considering they all had their helmets on.

That was why, as soon as you had entered the packed hall with Chants on your heels, you had fled to the buffet table. The chances were considerably low and it allowed you to at least try and calm the fuck down.

In the meantime, Chants was happy because your position by the buffet granted him the perfect view of what the covert had to offer.

You tugged at your dress, feeling constricted in the ridiculous gown your friend had talked you into.

“Don’t do this,” he said.

“Don’t do what?” you asked grumpily,

“Don’t self-sabotage,” he said calmly, “You are so scared of Vizsla rejecting you that you don’t even put yourself out there and –“

Your heart clenched, his pointed words finding their target. He knew you too well, or maybe just well enough because you had to admit he was right.

“And what?” you asked, shoulders slumping as you searched the buffet for something to catch your eyes.

“That’s Paz Vizsla coming our way,” Chants murmured, his elbow digging into your middle, “I think he’s coming to us.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” you mumbled, fishing another appetizer from the buffet, “Paz Vizsla would never come to us. He’s way too –“

“Way too what?”

You froze, slowly turning around and looking at the warrior before you.

Paz Vizsla was a huge man, imposing and intimidating even when he tried not to be and with a reputation that followed him from the battlefield to every place he went. It was rumoured that he had never lost a fight before and now that you saw him up close, taking in the sheer size of him, you had no trouble believing it.

“Way too, uh, busy?” you grimaced at how weak your voice sounded.

“Of the two of us, I’d say you’re the busy one,” he replied with a tilt of his helmet, “this is the first year you’re attending the festivities.”

“That’s not true,” you frowned, “I attended last year as well.”

The man in front of you hummed, as if in thought, and you took the opportunity to just … look at him.

Your eyes slid over his broad shoulders to his thick arms and large hands and you found yourself wishing to know what it was like to feel them on your body. Or in your body. Preferably both.

“I’m afraid I was not there for long last year. That would explain it,” he finally said, still looking at you. You wondered if he noticed your stares because he straightened up a little, clenching his fists and relaxing them and the veins stood out. Stars, how could one man be so attractive?

“You know what, I think someone’s calling me,” Chants suddenly said and you were embarrassed to find that you had completely forgotten he was right next to you. What kind of crush was this?

“Of course,” Paz said and you both watched your friend leave in silence, immediately swallowed up by groups of people.

The realization that you were both alone now came suddenly and unexpectedly and you felt your heart skip one or two beats. Because what were you supposed to say now? Here was the man you had been pining after for so long, here was your chance to say something, to impress him, to make him fall in love with you.

“Hello,” you managed to bring out, hoping that your smile wasn’t as wavering as your courage.

He chuckled, low and rumbly and you swore you felt it in your chest. “Hello, little one,” he greeted you, grabbing a small berry in his large fingers. You watched him bring it up and under his helmet, and your imagination ran wild.

Stars, what might it be like to kiss him?

“I, uh, I thought you found someone last year already,” you continued nervously, fiddling with your hands in front of your middle, “Did – did you find someone?”

He shook his head, “It was more about whom I didn’t find.”

“That sounds like you have someone specific in mind.”

“I do.”

“Really?” you asked, surprised at how close he suddenly was. You imagined being able to hear his real voice behind the helmet, “Wh-Who?”

“There are a lot of flattering things I could say now,” he stated, his voice not wavering for a second, “But to make a long proposal very short: I’d like to breed you.“

You thought you were dreaming. You were convinced you were dreaming.

“Me?”

“Yes,” he stepped closer, his hand reaching yours and you were hyperaware of how gentle his rough fingertips were against your skin, “you.”

“And if you were amenable,” he continued quietly, his fingers brushing over your knuckles, “I’d be also interested in courting you.”

You felt faint.

“Courting … me?”

He stiffened, shifting away from you and you immediately yearned for the return of his touch. “Only with your consent, of course,” he spoke, “Please forgive me, if I spoke out of turn, I thought perhaps – I thought you –“

“No, don’t get me wrong I’m,” you hurried to say, “I’m – this means a lot – but, uh, did you take a look around? There are so many wonderful people that you could be interested in and I am just … me … Why me?”

Your hand landed on his and you both froze, looking at where you were touching him. His skin burned against yours and you could feel his racing pulse underneath your fingertips.

“Because I don’t think of any of them when I make myself come at night,” he revealed with a growl and you swore your pussy pulsed at his words, “and I don’t think of any of them when I think about whom I want to raise my children with. I want you, mesh’la, very much so. Do you want me too?”

You could hardly believe your ears. Somewhere deep inside you, doubt was still hammering at your chest in worry. What if you had somehow misunderstood him? What if he realized what a mistake he made when you thought yourself safe?

But just as the worries seemed to creep up on you yet again, you caught yourself, just in time. You deserved happiness. You deserved love. And you deserved these things with the man who stood in front of you, who had told you how he felt for you. Who wanted you as much as you wanted him.

“Stars yes,” you breathed.

“What’s that?” he asked, his voice deeper than before, “I couldn’t hear you, little one.”

You nodded quickly, “I – I’ve wanted you for so long, Paz, I didn’t – I never, I never thought you’d think the same.”

“Well then,” he said, his helmet so close you could feel the cold of the beskar radiating onto your skin, “What would you say we go and make this semi-official, mesh’la?”

You grinned. This was a dream come true. Who would have thought that of all people Paz Vizsla, the one you had a crush on would return your feelings? His hand wrapped around your, completely enveloping your wrist and fingers as he tugged you through the crowd. You had always admired how people seemed to just make way for him wherever he went with an unconscious admiration and respect that he had earned. Now, following him as they parted for the both of you was thrilling.

The armourer sat at the end of the room, shadowed by her council as they oversaw the festivities.

“You want to leave us already?” she asked, tilting her golden helmet in acknowledgement.

You felt heady, clutching Paz’s hand like a lifeline. It was all so real now.

“I hope you will excuse us,” Paz said, “we found each other and I don’t want to waste any more time.”

“Stars know you wasted enough time pining after her,” Djarin commented from his place on the dais and that caught your attention.

Paz? Pining? After you??

The big man shifted next to you, seeming a little shy and you smiled. This was definitely something you would ask him about.

The armourer inclined her head and, from someplace you did not see, a goblet was brought to you. You knew the look of them well, the drink in it was given to every couple that found each other at the festivities. It was some sort of concoction that was rumoured to be especially potent for … you felt heat rise in your cheeks.

Paz lifted his helmet, just enough to take a sip and it felt forbidden to see the sliver of skin, to see how his hand dwarfed the precious metal. Soon, you would feel those hands on you, soon you could feel his skin against yours.

You were so enraptured by the sight of him, it took you a few moments to realize that he was holding out the goblet to you. “Would you like a drink, my love?” he asked you, his voice low and rumbly.

You nodded wordlessly, taking it from him. It tasted sweeter than you imagined, the liquid like honey on your tongue and causing a comfortable warmth in your belly. Almost immediately, Paz’s hand found yours and he dragged you away.

Everything was a blur. You did not see the people you passed, you did not take in the hallways you walked through. Paz was in a hurry and your laughter turned silent when you felt your need for him burn your veins. Was this the effect of the drink?

The hallways were completely abandoned and as Paz passed through the residential quarters, you found yourself curious about where exactly he was leading you.

You got your answer not a minute later.

“These are my rooms,” he announced as he punched the code into the keypad. The door swished open, revealing quarters that looked much warmer than you had expected. There was a giant bed with lots of blankets and pillows and the floor was covered in soft rugs. You could see his workstation completely overladen with files and plans and smiled when you spotted the invitation to the festivities at the very top of the pile.

Feeling his hands on your hips, you turned around with a smile, letting his hands slowly wander over you. His metal forehand touched yours and you took a deep breath in, relishing in the way your entire body seemed to warm at his touch.

“You have no idea how long I waited for this moment,” he whispered, his fingers slipping under the hem of your dress and slowly lifting it up. The feeling of his rough fingertips on the soft skin of your thighs chased goosebumps all over your body and you could feel a pang in your core.

“I never dared to dream,” he said, “that you could want me the way I want you.”

“I want you, Paz,” you whispered, your hands shaking with anticipation as you tugged on his shoulder pauldrons, “I always wanted you. Ever since I first saw you I knew it … if it would be anyone it would be you.”

“Good. Because for me it has always been you,” he hummed, sounding happier than you had ever heard him. He took a step forward and you gasped when you could feel his entire body press against yours, “Will you let me show you just how much I want you?”

You nodded, unable to find the words between sheer excitement and the needy pulsing between your legs.

In one quick movement, Paz had freed you of your dress and you hurried to step out of your underwear as Paz’s hands worked on the various buckles and clips on his armour. It was a flurry of movements, quickened by your desire for each other and suddenly you were both standing there, completely naked save for Paz’s helmet. But that was not what you were focussing on now.

“You’re – you’re really big,” you mumbled, taking in his girth. Stars you knew he was a big man but how was that supposed to fit inside you?

Paz chuckled, holding out his hand for yours and you followed his movements. You were both quiet as he guided your hand to his hard cock. “Your hand can hardly fit around me,” he marvelled, his breath hitching as his hand closed above yours. He started to move your palm with his and you watched enraptured as a few drops of precome started to bead at the tip.

Your walls fluttered around nothing at the thought of feeling him inside you and you shifted, swallowing nervously. Your chest brushed against his, your nipples hardening and out of reflex more than anything else did you tilt your head up towards him.

“I cannot show my face,” he said, clearly displeased with the rules, “Not now. Not yet.”

“But I’d like to kiss you,” you pouted, as you continued to stroke him, “I’d like to feel you.”

He hummed, taking a reluctant step back and you wanted to follow him before you saw where his hand went. Before you could say anything, the room fell into complete darkness and you stilled, trying to calm your heartbeat so you could hear what he was doing.

The sound of his intake of breath was unmistakable and you heard a thud, metal on wood, when you realized that he had taken off his helmet. You smiled. Of course. If you could not see him, he could take off his helmet and you could kiss him.

In complete and utter darkness, you reached out your hand only to find the warm skin of his chest. You smiled when his hand came up to hold you against him and moments later his entire body pressed against yours again. You could feel his reaction against your belly and his breath on your face and it was a miracle your brain hadn’t short-circuited yet.

Your noses brushed against each other and you smiled just before you could feel his lips against yours. Paz’s lips were dry and a little chapped but you swore you had never felt anything as heavenly. The kiss started out soft and careful as you got used to each other. But having him so close, the effects of the drink making you all dizzy, you couldn’t keep yourself from wanting to explore him.

You sighed against him and Paz used that to move against you, his tongue bushing over your bottom lip as his hand cupped the back of your neck, pulling you closer. He tasted sweet, just like the drink, and when his teeth closed on your bottom lip, you swore you were this close to coming just from having him close.

Lips moving against each other’s, you let him push you towards his bed, the mattress hitting the back of your knees. You squeaked, falling into the softness and scooted back until you could feel the pillows. Paz followed you, his body heat never leaving yours and when you arched your back, your chest accidentally brushing against his stubbled chin, he closed his lips around your nipple.

All breath escaped you as pleasure burnt through your veins. You just wanted him to touch you, to –

“Ready?” Paz asked you, kissing the spot between your tits. His hands slid up to the inside of your thighs and you were sure you had never been as wet as this moment. You nodded before you you remembered he couldn’t see you.

“Yes,” you whispered, hands finding his shoulders and you held onto him, “I’m ready.”

Paz made a noise at the back of his throat and you could feel him shuffling closer, his fingers rubbing over your folds and you gasped when they circled your clit. You were sure the mattress was already drenched with your juices and you inhaled sharply when you felt the head of his cock carefully part your folds.

He pushed inside you slowly and you gasped. “Stars,” you murmured, resisting the initial desire of your body to move away from him as your hands tightened on his shoulders. His head was not even completely inside you and your walls already felt like they were stretching too far. “You’re huge!”

“Not too huge, I hope?” he chuckled, pulling out carefully and leaving you feeling ridiculously empty. You could feel him pulsing against your folds, drops of precome mixing with your wetness.

You shook your head, wrapping your arms around his neck as you tried to find words. “I – Paz, what if you don’t fit?”

“Afraid your pussy is too small for my cock, mesh’la?” he teased you and you felt heat fill your cheeks at his words, the desire thrumming through you again.

At your lack of an answer, you felt him relax, his legs spreading beneath yours as his thumbs brushed over your sides. “Don’t worry,” he murmured, sweetly kissing your cheek, “I will make it fit.”

He pushed your legs up, his hands large on the soft flesh of your thighs as he pressed them to your chest. “Is that comfortable?”

His hips pushed forward a little and his shaft slid over your wetness. Something snapped in you.  “Stars, just fuck me already,” you panted, trying to lift your hips closer to him which resulted in your claves landing on his shoulders for leverage.

He laughed then, a deep belly laugh, that made your cheeks hot and your pussy clench. “Paz ...!”

“I am sorry, sweetheart,” he chuckled, his lips brushing over your calf and you felt him shift between your legs, “I will make amends.”

And amends he made when his shaft parted your walls again, slowly but surely, pushing the breath out of your lungs. You were prepared now, for the inevitable feeling of being split apart and you took a deep breath, your blood singing with relief at having him inside you.

Paz groaned above you, his hips starting to build up a fast rhythm that had your hands bunching the sheets. You had never felt so full.

“Can’t wait to see your tits bounce,” he groaned, “to see your belly all round with my child.”

You moaned at the image, walls clamping around him. Nothing sounded better than having him

“I'm gonna fill you up,” he announced between groans, his bed shaking with how deep and strong his strokes had become, “I’m going to put a baby in you and if it doesn’t take today then it will take tomorrow or the day after or the day after …”

Lying helplessly underneath him, you couldn’t do anything but take it. Take his cock, take his words, take the kisses he gently pressed on your jaw and neck.

 “Stars, you’re tight,” he cursed, leaning forward and pressing your legs further against you. Your muscles protested and you felt the knot in your core tighten.

“’s too much,” you panted, “please – I – I am so close I –“

“Come for me,” he encouraged you, his voice raw in your ear, “Come for me and I will fill you with my come like you deserve.”

You felt hot and cold at the same time and with Paz’s cock hitting a spot inside you that made you see stars, it was the closest you would ever come to an out-of-body experience, you were sure. You cursed under your breath, any thoughts leaving your head when all you felt was incredible.

You felt incredible.

“Good girl,” Paz’s voice got you out of your mindless state and you suddenly became aware that he was still very much moving inside you, shaft rubbing along your clenching walls as he seemed to get quicker and quicker until he buried himself so deeply inside you it almost hurt. The feeling of his come filling you was like an aphrodisiac all on its own.

“Oh fuck,” you murmured, your legs still shaking on his shoulders as he slowly pulled out, “That was –“

“Was?” Paz chuckled darkly as he rolled next to you, “I haven’t even started yet, sweetheart.”

You gaped at him, even if he couldn’t see it, “What?”

“What do you think they give us this drink for?” he asked, clearly amused.

“I – I don’t know,” you stuttered, your heart slowly reaching its normal rhythm again, “Heightened fertility?”

Paz hummed, his warm hand finding yours and squeezing, “That, too. But also for better … endurance.”

“Oh stars,” you groaned, “What have I gotten myself into?”

Both of you laughed at that and the happiness you felt threatened to burst out of your chest. The bed moved with Paz as he sat up, you could feel his arm brush against your shoulder and soon, his hand tugged on yours.

You followed his wordless instructions, trying your best to sit up. But his tugging did not cease until you understood what he meant. You raised your leg, attempting to straddle him and it was his other hand that gently held to your knee, guiding it over his lap.

It was impressive how in the darkness, Paz could still find your lips, pulling you in for a kiss. You could feel his heart beat in his chest and you were sure he could feel yours too. You wiggled your hips, causing him to groan against you. Your hands found the back of his neck, your fingertips playing with the soft hairs at the nape of his neck.

“I could get used to this,” you mused, quickly kissing the corner of his mouth and giggling when his hands cupped your tits, his thumbs swiping over your nipples.

“Me too,” he smiled against you, running the tip of his nose over your jaw. You wiggled again, feeling his cock harden between you and even with the mess of your combined juices spilling down your thighs, you felt ready to go again.

“C’mon, ride my cock,” he instructed, the teasing lilt to his voice betraying the grin that was undoubtedly on his face. You could feel his hands between you as he held his cock in position and you tried your best to raise yourself up high enough to sink down on him. But your body seemed to have different plans and the newly required effort to move reminded you just how much that first orgasm had taken you out.

His come served as lube as you sank down on him, your legs too weak to hold up any pretence of control as his cock speared you again. You whimpered, barely holding yourself up on his shoulders. Paz made a soothing sound, his lips on your temple as you tried to catch your breath.

“Go on,” he whispered, his fingers gently pinching your nipples and you mewled when he pulled on them ever so slightly, the pain giving your pleasure a new edge, “Work your pussy on my cock.”

“I can’t,” you admitted feebly, rocking against him. Your legs were trembling so much still and all you could focus on was how good he felt inside you, how stuffed you were, how deep he was.

“Paz, please –“

He did not do anything at first but you could feel his knees go up behind you and suddenly he was holding you by the hips. “It’s okay,” he soothed you, his fingers brushing over your skin, “I got you.”

Unable to say anything, you just let yourself rest against his chest, putting your head on his shoulder. He smelled of the woods and engine fuel and the pure warmth of him made your chest flutter. He got you.

You whimpered, hiding your face in his neck as he started to thrust up into you, bouncing you on him as if you weighed nothing.

“You take my cock so well,” he praised you, “What a pretty little breeding toy you are for me, sweetheart, how pretty you sound with my cock stuffed in that tight pussy.”

He had you bounce so strongly, the sound of skin slapping against skin couldn’t be overheard, and yet all you could hear was his panting breath in your ear, the quiet groans, the little praises. They made you clench even tighter around him and you tightened your hold on him.

Needing him more and more, you attempted to move your hips against his, trying to get your own rhythm going to get hom to move deeper. Stars, you needed him deeper.

“Oh, you’re much too weak for that, my love,” Paz teased you, his fingers tightened on the soft flesh of your ass before one hand came down in a slap, “Let me fuck you like you need, you can be as cockdumb as you want.”

You smiled, letting him take control again, and kissed the little spot behind his ear. There was a strange sense of happiness you hadn’t anticipated, in knowing that Paz really would take care of you. He would fuck you like you needed, fill you up like you wanted, and you didn’t need to do anything.

You just needed to enjoy it.

“Are you enjoying my cock?” he asked you breathlessly, “Does it feel good to be stuffed like you need?”

“Y-yes,” you brought out, embarrassed by how thin your voice sounded, “F-feels so good, Paz.”

“Tell me you want me to breed you,” he growled, his hips surging up in a particularly hard thrust, “Tell me you want my baby.”

You whimpered, the words stuck in your throat when you felt another wave threatening to send you over the edge. It was all you could do to hold onto him.

“Tell me or I won’t let you come,” he threatened, “Don’t you want to come, sweetheart? Don’t you want to be bred?”

His words made you want to sit up but Paz’s hold was as strong as ever.

“Pl-Please come inside me,” you burst out, not caring how your voice stumbled over itself, your despair to come too big to ignore, “Please, Paz, I want your baby, I – please come inside me.”

“I am going to breed you every single day if that is what it takes,” he growled, “Every free moment I have I am going to spend like this,” his finger rubbed over your clit, making you gasp, “Stuffing that pretty cunt with my come.”

Your gasp got swallowed by his kiss as his fingers worked their magic on your clit. “Come for me again, my love, let me breed you.”

And, as if all it would take were his words, you did. You clenched around him, biting your knuckles to keep quiet as you squeezed your eyes shut and tried to ride the waves of pleasure that washed over you.

“Good girl,” Paz groaned his hips stuttering, “My good fucking girl.”

The praise made you preen. His hands held you down on him and you could feel him filling you again, the sheer amounts of come trickling around where you were joined, squelching sounds mixing with your loud breaths.

“It feels so good,” you breathed once you felt like you could think straight again, “You feel so good.”

Paz hummed, his chest heaving against yours and despite the aftershocks of your second orgasm of the night still feeling prominent, you decided that this was your favourite moment. Here, resting against him, skin to skin, heart to heart, it felt like your world was finally complete.

“I think the drink is wearing off,” you murmured finally, “At least for me.”

“For me too,” Paz confirmed, his large hand settling on your lower back, holding you to him, “Though I am not quite ready to let go.”

“Me neither,” you sighed against him, closing your eyes to listen to his heartbeat.

“Don’t worry, though,” he said, kissing your temple, “We have time.”

[scoonsalicious]

Unwanted: Chapter 12, Unlucky - Pt. 1

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Fem!Reader

Summary: When your FWB relationship with your best friend Bucky Barnes turns into something more, you couldn’t be happier. That is, however, until a new Avenger sets her sights on your super soldier and he inadvertently breaks your heart. You take on a mission you might not be prepared for to put some distance between the two of you and open yourself up to past traumas. Too bad the only one who can help you heal is the one person you can no longer trust.

Warnings: (For this part only; see Story Masterlist for general Warnings) Language, minor mention of sex.

Word Count: 412

Previously On...: You and Bucky had a heart-to-heart in the bathroom at Gino's where you admitted you've been putting up an emotional wall between the two of you. Tony decided it was time for another game of 'What the 'F' Was It?' (thanks for the inspo for that, weed!), and when you and Bucky went to leave to go back to the Tower for some... quality time, Jade was not pleased. It was, therefore, a pleasant surprise to watch Bucky rebuff her.

A/N: Very, very short part today, friends. I am going to fully confess that I am lulling you into a false sense of security in these next two parts before I start lobbing shit at the fan with a rocket launcher.

Banner By: The absolutely amazing @mrsbuckybarnes1917!

Thank you to all those who have been reading; if you like what you've read, likes, comments, and reblogs give me life, and I truly appreciate them, and you!

Taglist: (Please let me know if you’d like to be added!) @jmeelee @cazellen @blackhawkfanatic @les-sel @marcswife21 @buckybarnessimpp @mrsbuckybarnes1917 @erelierraceala @hayjat @capswife @itsteambarnes @jupiter-107 @marygoddessofmischief @sebastians-love @learisa @lethallyprotected @rabbitrabbit12321 @buckybarnesandmarvel @fanfictiongirl77 @calwitch @fantasyfootballchampion @selella @jackiehollanderr @wintercrows @sashaisready @missvelvetsstuff @angelbabyyy99 @keylimebeag @maybefoxysouls @vicmc624 @sashaisready @j23r23 @wintercrows @crist1216 @cjand10 @doublejeon @pattiemac1

With Jade away in Malaysia, things between you and Bucky finally felt like they were going back to normal. Yes, you had your hands full making final preparations for your board presentation, but Bucky was constantly by your side, bringing you lunch, cheering you on, making sure you took appropriate breaks and ending your workday at an appropriate time so you weren’t wearing yourself too thin. 

And the sex? Yeah, that was right back on track.

Before you knew it, the day of your presentation had arrived. You were a nervous wreck. In the lab, you were confident, willing to take chances, assert your authority with ease and confidence, but presenting in front of a group of stuffy, predominantly middle-aged white men? All of that went right out the window. 

“You’ve got this, sweets,” Bucky said as you both stood outside the board room. 

“What if they hate it, Buck?” you murmured, trying to stop your hands from shaking. “What if the presentation’s terrible?”

“Hey,” he said, putting his hands on your shoulders to hold you still, “I have more faith in you than I’ve ever had in anyone. You’ve worked so hard on this, and you know it works. It’s gonna save so many lives. You’ve practiced this presentation inside and out; I bet you could do it in your sleep. I’m so fucking proud of you, doll.”

You managed a weak smile. “Do you want me to come in with you?” he asked gently. “That way, you get nervous with all those stodgy old men in front of you, you can just look at this old man and pretend it’s just you and me. Just like we’re practicing up in our room.”

You nodded eagerly. “Yes! Oh god, yes, please! Thank you so much, Buck.” You kissed him quickly on the lips, the idea of being able to stare into his ocean-blue eyes as you went through your presentation instantly calming you and filling you with a sense of security. “I love you.”

He chuckled and squeezed your shoulders. “I love you, too, doll. And this is the least I can do for you, after everything you’ve done for me.”

The door to the board room opened before you could say more to one another. A secretary smiled when she saw you. “Ms. (Y/L/N),” she said, “they’re ready for you now.”

You took a deep breath. “Here we go,” you said before taking Bucky’s hand and walking inside.

<- Previous Chapter / Next Part ->

[audhdbuck]

fic requests you say? where's bongo cat.

anyway i'm throwing my hat in the ring and ask for trans!mickey after too surgery (and ian taking care of him, because mickey is being a little stupid and tries to do everything himself).

not sure that's what you're asking for but it's what came to mind.

(also, can you imagine trans!mickey realising he has an excuse to wear his hawaiian shirts now and also when he realises he can just leave them open now because his chest his flat. i am experiencing emotions.)

this got longer than needed, anyway, love ya, bud, hope YOUR recovery goes well!

nosho!!!! when i say i am in love with this prompt...

this also ended up being a little longer than planned so uh. oops? or you're welcome.

----------

“C’mon, let me-”

“I got it, Ian!” Mickey huffs.

It’s been two weeks since Mickey’s top surgery, and much to Ian’s dismay, is trying to do everything himself. Stubborn-ass, Ian calls him. Currently, Mickey is trying to reach for a coffee mug in their cabinet.

“Mickey, you could tear your incisions. Please, just let me do this one thing for you. I’ll let you make the coffee, but the doc said no reaching for a few weeks. Please.”

Begrudgingly, Mickey relents. 

“Fuckin’- fine. I hate this.” Mickey says with a sigh.

“I know,” Ian says softly, grabbing Mickey’s favorite mug from the shelf and setting it on the counter, “but if you want to heal properly, you’ve gotta listen to the doctor.”

“Feel so… useless and shit. Can’t even get a stupid coffee cup. Feels like I can’t do anything, man. Just wanna be done with this shit.”

“It’s only a few more weeks, you’ll make it, I promise. You’ve made it this far, you did such a big thing, and the payoff will be so fucking worth it.” Ian tells him, reaching to rub Mickey’s back gently. 

“Yeah, guess you’re right. Just tired of bein’ in bed all the time and cooped up like this.”

Mickey leans into Ian’s touch for a moment, then grabs a coffee pod to put in their new Keurig coffee maker. He pops it into the top of the machine and sets the mug underneath the brewer before pressing the brew button. Soon, the comforting scent of coffee fills the air. 

“Can I grab the milk for you, your highness?” Ian asks with a small smirk. 

“Fuck off, man. Fine.” Mickey retorts, a small smile in return to assure Ian he’s not actually mad.

“Hey, don’t forget, you get those annoying bandages off later today. I think you’ll feel a lot better,” Ian tells him, pouring the milk into Mickey’s coffee.

Mickey glances down at his chest, smoothing one hand down it and smiling a bit to himself. 

“Can’t believe I finally did it,” he says in a whisper. “Felt impossible, y’know?”

Ian softens at that. 

“You made it, Mickey. And I am so fucking proud of you. I love you.”

“Love you too, sap,” Mickey says, leaning over to give Ian a peck on the lips.

*******

Mickey can’t believe it. He stands in front of the mirror at the doctor’s office, seeing his unbandaged chest for the first time. The scars are still red and pronounced, but the doctor assures him that over time and with proper scar care, they’ll heal up nicely, and may even fade. A permanent reminder of how far he’s come, and the feeling of freedom is overwhelming. Tears start to form, but he rubs at his eyes to keep them from falling. 

“Holy fuck,” he says on an exhale. “It’s… that’s fuckin’ me.”

The doctor smiles, and gives Mickey and Ian a rundown of scar care, and leaves the room to give the two of them a moment together.

“You did it, Mick. I am so proud of you for doing this.”

“I - fuck.”

Before he can get too overwhelmed, Mickey reaches for his shirt and carefully pulls it on, turning to Ian. He leans into him, wrapping his arms gently around Ian’s waist, burying his face into Ian’s shoulder. Ian hugs him back, rubbing up and down his back.

“C’mon, let’s go. Let’s go get you something to celebrate. I’m thinkin’ milkshakes. What do you say?”

Mickey huffs a laugh, and nods against Ian’s shoulder. 

“Yeah, let’s go.”

*****

Six months later finds Ian and Mickey at the shores of Lake Michigan, the two of them lounging in beach chairs. Ian shirtless, Mickey with an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt (that he definitely did not steal from the laundry room in their apartment complex). Content smiles on both their faces, hands clasped together between the two chairs. Years ago this seemed unfathomable to Mickey, laying side by side with someone who’s loved him unconditionally throughout everything, who’s been by his side through thick and thin. Let alone, laying (mostly) shirtless on a beach with that same man, watching as the sun reflects on matching silver bands on their fingers. 

“Didja ever think we’d make it here?” Mickey whispers.

“Always.” Ian says with a squeeze to Mickey’s hand.

[timaeusterrored]

(Like Father Like Son)

((I feel like I’ve never actually written a father-son moment between Vax and Vik, and what better time than now? Set sometime after he starts healing from the Space Station))

Vax had always loved rooftops, ever since he was a kid. Whenever he sat up there, for once he didn’t feel so small. That maybe being up there could save him from the city trying to swallow him. Even as a kid, V was terrified of the city eating him whole, becoming a no one. Another face in a sea of nobodies.

“Y’know, I’ll never forget the first time I looked up and saw you sitting on a roof. Damn near climbed the building to get you down.”

Vax turned at the sudden voice, not expecting anyone up here. But there stood Vik, arms crossed and leaned again the door way.

“Don’t you have your own roof to go sit on or somethin’? Or did the ol’ Rockerboy finally chase you away?” Vik sat down next to V, their legs dangling over the edge. Vax noted Vik was making an effort to not look down. Not everyone could handle heights.

“Nah, he’s busy with the ‘Saka bullshit still… and his new album.” Vax tried to keep the sad tone out of his voice, but he was struggling to. And he knew Vik heard it.

“Trouble in paradise? He fuck up?”

“He’s been perfect, Vik… it ain’t that.” Vax sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I’m so fuckin’ tired… and lonely. Ker invites me to join him when he goes places… but he doesn’t need me. No one fuckin’ does. No one needs V anymore…”

Vik let that settle in, watching his son for a long moment. Was that what this was? He felt unneeded? Unwanted even?

“You’re right. I don’t need V.” Maybe that was a bad way to start because Vax chuckled like he knew something. “I need Vax. I need that spunky little fifteen year old smart ass I met damn near 15 years ago.” Holy fuck it had been 15 years already.

Vax was staring at him, as if confused by his statement. He never had been a man of words.

“Y’know… when I first brought you in, I was thinking ‘what the fuck am I doing? I can’t raise a kid. Much less a 15 year old.’ And with you glaring at me for like a month straight, I really didn’t think we were getting far. But Vax… you changed my life. When you won your first boxing match, I just yelled ‘That’s my kid! That’s my kid right there!’ I was so fucking proud of you… then that fucker took you when you were 17 and I didn’t know what the fuck to do. All I knew was that my kid was gone and no one had seen him in days… then Rogue comes to my door holding you, you’re shaking and covered in blood and smell like a fucking campfire and I don’t think I’ve ever been more relieved to see you in my life… until Arasaka took you. Losing Jackie felt like losing a son… and I kept just… hoping, praying, I dunno, everything to just get that thing out of you. For you to live.”

When Vik was mostly done because he felt he was talking nonsense, he looked at V… to find him with tears in his eyes. Oh fuck, he hadn’t meant to make him cry.

“And when you brought fucking Kerry Eurodyne home, I was like “oh hell no.” Because I’ve read some shit-“ Vik attempted to joke but Vax let out a sound that he couldn’t tell if the poor man was laughing or crying.

Vik patted his son’s back, letting him get it out. Kerry said Vax had been rather unresponsive to things, and this is probably the first time he’s cried in a while. The ripperdoc couldn’t even begin to understand what this man went through.

“Fuck… I’m sorry.” Vax sniffed, rubbing his eyes. “I’m so… I’m so tired, Vik… I know people are trying to give me space and to let me rest… but I can’t help but feel like everyone has moved on from me… even Ker and Judy don’t feel like they need me anymore… and you and Mama Welles got your own shit goin’ on-“

“Me and Guadalupe have been worried sick about you. So don’t you start pulling that shit onto me… No one has moved on from you. You spend too much time in your own head, you always have.” Vik sighed. Vax had been horrible for getting in his own head, Vik never could get him to stop. “You been talking to your therapist? And taking your meds?”

Vax nodded, and yet Vik didn’t believe him.

“My keeper isn’t letting me forget. Don’t worry.” Vax mumbled, his hands falling into his lap in defeat. Vik had no clue what to do to make this better… he didn’t read any parenting books on how to make your adult kid feel better after dying three times.

The two sat in silence after, sometimes you just needed quiet with a safe person to feel less alone. Until Vax rested his head on Vik’s shoulder.

“Thanks pops…”

Vik wrapped his arm around his son and rubbed his shoulder.

“Anytime kiddo…”

[forlix]

talking ab fallen star cos that fic consumed me when i first read it and consumed me again when i reread it earlier 🤚

firstly the way he kept his promise to bring mc to the airport it really broke me. it's so melancholic like there have been broken promises before but hyunjin wouldn't dare end their relationship on another one? you can still feel the love he has for t hemin the way he tiredly made his way to drive to their house and to the airport after he came back from his own long flight it honestly makes me insane.

i love how in the car there's this like faint and twisted idea of hope lingering between them. some part of them still longs for the other and it's right there they could just grab the very thing they yearn for but it's incomplete. it's not the same. honestly when mc mutters "idiot" it really made me think like are they calling hyunjin an idiot? or themselves an idiot? and ac i feel like they meant both of them are idiots for allowing themselves to end up in this awkward but necessary situation.

there are some unresolved feelings and unanswered questions while they sit in silence on the way to the airport, but the airport scene™️ gives them both the closure they need. they're not getting back together, no matter how much one might like, but the tension in the car shows a sliver of hope that they would and i feel like it really emanates in your writing and makes me as a reader reader hope for a happier ending as well. also the shaky "fuck" describes my feelings as i read this as well thanks btw 🥲

and this is all from my own mind but i imagine reader saw a photo or maybe got an invitation to hyun's wedding and they realize he's okay and it makes them reflect on themselves and with a heavy heart they realize theyre okay too. the worst part is there's no definitive point where they felt or "became" okay, because like you said, time is the best medicine and gradually mc just healed. but knowing that hyun is okay and has moved on kind of popped a bubble of reserved feelings and its not necessarily sad its just kind of disheartening or numbing?

idk how i started yapping sm lol i read wayyyy into this HAHAHA. i chose to analyze this instead of study for my finals ☝️🤓 but in conclusion, xian i love falling star and its yet another product of ur mindblowing sexy brain i love you so much bby and i js wanna say im so proud of you <3

when i tell u i saw this while studying (also for my finals) and it had my jaw on the floor my head in the clouds i couldn't focus for the LIFE of me afterwards. WDYM YOU WROTE ME AN ESSAY OF UR THOUGHTS ON MY WRITING? IS IT MY BIRTHDAY?? i love you so fucking much omg. thank u for sending this in my lovely star :') putting my VERY ramble-y response under the cut

"there have been broken promises before but hyunjin wouldn't dare end their relationship on another one" is soooo poignantly put and so so so correct. honestly him remembering the day and time of the flight was supposed to be a show of pettiness at first, like "you called me unreliable so here i am bitch" lmfaooo but let's be real you're right on the money with his real intentions. he was literally counting down the days until he had an excuse to see mc again.. he was also worried about the flight being so early and wanted to ensure their safety... AGGHHH not me hurting myself thinking ab this couple 😭

"when mc mutters "idiot" it really made me think like are they calling hyunjin an idiot? or themselves an idiot?" I LOVEEEE LOVE LOVE THIS? god u are a genius i adore you. i totally see this being the case. if i may add, maybe mc thinks they're an idiot because they reciprocate hyunjin's yearning even after everything that's transpired. like inward frustration that there are still feelings there? yeah. ur a genius.

about the slivers of hope after the car scene, i apologize for the lack of a happy ending love </3 the fic was definitely challenging (and saddening) but also refreshing to write. i really wanted to explore a couple that is well and truly doomed bc some of the relationships in our lives are doomed, yaknow? and you can recognize that and still have a lot of love for the person at the same time bc human beings are fucking complicated like that. but please consider this my official justification for posting something so depressing

"and this is all from my own mind but i imagine reader saw a photo or maybe got an invitation to hyun's wedding and they realize he's okay and it makes them reflect on themselves and with a heavy heart they realize theyre okay too." FUCKKKK NOT THE WEDDING PICTURE. this just made me frown irl. if i may add.....again..... what if they physically run into each other and that's how mc knows? at the start of the convo mc kinda feels the familiar stirrings again but it's more out of habit than anything. they talk for a bit and it's really pleasant and mc notices he has a ring on his finger and they realize they feel ✨ nothing ✨ about it anymore. but there's just an inkling of remorse remaining about the whole situation. like a passing thought of "maybe in a different universe we would've made things work"....haha.....fuck. BUT mc is happy hyunjin's happy, and mc is happy to have recovered, and life goes on

as for ur entire last paragraph i might actually cry, i'm so glad you love the fic and i truly do appreciate u taking the time to look into my fic this closely so so so much :'( you keep me going, I MEAN IT

[we-return-in-waves]

Top 5 lines you’ve written in your fics?

oh my god this took me ages i was here agonising over my own writing like WHATS THE BEST?? also, i have discussed some favourite lines in an ao3 wrapped so i have deliberately exluded those from this list! under the cut <3

And when Gaara pulled off his clothes and kissed every scar on the damaged blunt instrument he called his body, love pouring luminous in the light of his shallow-sea eyes, Lee finally understood why someone would use the Eighth Gate even at the cost of their own life. - march of progress [succisa virescit (cut down, we grow back stronger)]

UNAPOLOGETICALLY THIS FUCKS also it's personally my favourite line of the lee chapter of mop by a mile. also, funny joke, but when i was putting this list together of all the contenders i realised that i used the word luminous in no less than four of them. i need more words

Gaara pressed himself closer in lieu of using his voice, which had, for the first time in his life, abandoned him entirely, placed his hands over Lee’s flaming cheeks, and kissed him. Kissed him like a man dying of thirst, kissed him like he was an oasis, kissed him the way sunlight kisses flowers at the first stroke of dawn and whispers to them, bloom for me. Kissed him and kissed him and kissed him. - Anthesis [Infructescence]

because how dare i write somethign so aesthetic into deranged paneenis honestly

Now, he’s on his back with his legs folded on either side of Lee’s torso, and Lee is sliding home and he feels so much bigger this way, braced over Gaara with his hair shining in the moonlight, and Gaara shuts his eyes in both bliss and fear that if he looks he won’t see himself, because he knows Lee was at Neji’s tombstone today and he usually doesn’t initiate like this, and if Gaara has to look up and know he is a placeholder for a dead man and then return home to Sunagakure in the morning his heart will cease to beat. - spoken words

i feel like there's a lot of lines in spoken words that absolutely slap way harder than they have any right to for a fic i wrote in less than six hours. but i especially love this one, because i said "ouch" OUT LOUD while writing it, dfjkghfk

The feeling is indescribable. It’s like the first sip of hot coffee on a winter morning, like the crescendo of instruments heralding the chorus of a beloved song. It’s like falling down stairs, it’s like winning a battle, it’s like the bone-deep relief of crossing the threshold of a place that feels like home. - an eight-fold tempo, an eight-letter heart

this was SO HARD could do just a top five lines ever just out of this fic alone i am so proud of it. i picked this one though for two reasons: the first, because i spent a long time thinking while writing the passage this is in thinking about what it feels like to fall in love for the first time, and i tried to channel all the emotions i remember: that blinding, heart-racing adrenaline spike of exhilaration mixed with vulnerability and fear of the unknown and the inexplicable feeling of safety and comfort that being with your loved one brings. and im just REALLY happy with how it came out. second, because this reads so melodically in my head and i just love how it sounds both in my head and read aloud. catch me podficcing my own fic lmaoo

Gaara looks up. Blinks those luminous eyes. The coppery filaments of his eyelashes shine white in the cold moonlight. Lee realises, with a start, that it is not simply the glow of healing jutsu or the light of the moon that illumine the flat seafoam irises, no, something behind his retinas reflects the faint light from deep within, a diamond of fluorescence, bright in the darkness. His pupils, normally invisible in the daylight, are slitted and animal. Lee wonders if this is a by-product of being born to host a tailed beast. If he can see in the dark. He looks inhuman. Surreal. Lee does not think he has ever seen anything so hypnotic. He cannot look away. - sing a song of sleeptide

argh i am just so pleased with how this reads to me, plus i loooove getting to make up some lore about gaara and the effects being a jinchuuriki might have had on him <3

thank you so much for the ask <333

[c4l4mityv4in]

The World's Favorite Star (A Bokuaka fanfic)

Chapter 1: "Take Me Out To Dinner First" Bokuto's POV

Notes:

Blessed second day of Samhain to all who celebrate (pronounced Sohwin)

I'm so proud to finally post my second fic please don t hesitate to leave kudos and a comment or more and tell me what you think of it <3

My Name is Bokuto Koutaro,

I'm a Volleyball player in my school's club and I'm currently at [Unknown name] Middle School

Our club Manager is this insanely cute boy, Akaashi Keiji, he's one year younger than me, he knows so much about Volleyball and he would've probably been a good player then too if he tried.

One time, he even told me he'd want to play alongside me in high school.

He is probably the smartest person I know, he always knows what to do whenever I'm feeling down. Today is Valentine's day and I bought the biggest bouquet of flowers for him, that shot was expensive but definitely worth it.

Akashi was known for having rejected dozens of girls and guys last Valentine's day and he tried to make it the least awkward as possible, telling girls he's not into women and telling guys he already has a crush on someone else. Every guy that was into him wanted to be that "someone else", so what made me different from the others? I was just another desperate Pansexual that fell head over heals for the most beautiful boy that ever existed. But I was his star, that's what he called me, and I'm convinced that MUST mean something. No homie calls another homie his "star" in a no homo way, no amount of saying no homo would be able to cancel the homo out of that sentence that I fear has worked on me one too many times.

I approached his classroom's open door around lunchtime, he was the only one there. But how should I do it? I had a big ass bouquet behind my back and it would be OBVIOUS what I wanted to say. And then lightning struck, I approached his desk with the flowers behind my back, put my best acting mask on and spoke up, "AKAASHI!", just saying his name gave me butterflies, "not to sound rude but you're into guys right?", my legs were shaking. I think I'm a terrible actor. He looked up at me with those beautiful blue eyes,

"Hello, Bokuto-san", if you think you're polite than you haven't met Akashi, he's the most polite person I have ever met. "I am actually, why?" I couldn't back out anymore, "So like, if I ever wanted to ask a guy out, how would I do it?" Akashi was frozen for a moment, his blue eyes looked at me and I was about to freak. The fuck. Out.

"I guess it depends on who you plan to ask out, but", he paused. "You should honestly just go for it. The worst that can happen is getting rejected", he added.

"Just go for it. Stop standing there like an idiot!" I thought to myself. I had the flowers, I had Akaashi alone. It was now or never!

I revealed the bouquet from behind my back, which was definitely visible even from behind, and out of panic I shoved the flowers in his face.

"D-Do you want to marry me?"

I had never been more embarrassed in my entire life. How did I mix up "go out with me" and

"marry me"?

Akashi started laughing, of course he did. Why would he want to go out with me? ESPECIALLY after this.

He pulled something out of his backpack and pointed it towards me, "How about a date first?" I lowered to bouquet so that I could see him, he was pointing a rose towards me. No, he was giving me a rose.

"You really wanna go out with me?", I was shocked

"I was going to ask you out today anyway, you just made it easier for me", I swear his eyes turned into literal hearts, or maybe it was my eyes that did that. "I'm not saying I don't want to marry you, just take me out to dinner first", he said nonchalantly. All I know is that he took my bouquet, I took his rose and he kissed my cheek, barely a millimeter away from my lips and that I had a date with the cutest boy in the world.

I was on cloud 9 the whole day, at practice I kept sneaking glances at Akashi and got a balli thrown at my face because of it. We decided to meet at the Valentine's Day Festival that night, Tokyo really went all out no matter the festivity, the whole thing was Love themed and there were couples everywhere. I put on my best clothes but you couldn't really tell with the jacket. Akaashi lived next to his parents' library, his parents are like, the coolest ever but that's not what we're focusing on here. He came out with a cream jacket and he had one of the roses I gave him earlier behind his hear, it had some kind of gold colored wire around the stem and his ear so it wouldn't fall out. "Good Evening, Bokuto-san", he said with a huge smile on his face, his voice was happy but shaky. "Uh-Uh...Hi! Um- so- well-", he grabbed the left side of my face and interrupted me, "Don't stress it, Bokuto-san. Take your time", he reassured me.

"You look beautiful tonight, Akaashi", I said completely flustered and looking away. His face was also pretty red.

"And you look so much like my dream husband.", he teased me again

"Oh my god! I got my words mixed up once! Will you ever let me live that down?", I asked hiding my face in my hands

"Not until you marry me", he said completely serious and smiling at me.

"Can I hold your hand?", he asked me, extended his hand and looked away.

I grabbed said hand and squeezed, "You don't even have to ask."

The Festival wasn't that far away so we decided to walk there, we were so nervous we looked like robots holding hands as we walked there.

First we got something to eat on the go, I got a Yakisoba Pan while he got a simple Melonpan.

• There were a few street performers dancing which we stopped to admire, Akashi pulled out a little notebook from his jacket pocket,

"Whatcha doin?", I asked

"Just sketching the dancer", he responded

"Looks pretty accurate", I pointed out

"Thanks! It's just a hobby but I would love to work in the art field some day", he said

"You totally should, you're really good", I said He blushed, "You're just saying that to be nice"

"No, I mean it! You have some actual talent you know?", his face got even redder but he had this adorable, dorky smile on his face, "Thank you"

On our way to the ferris wheel I won him a huge panda plush at one of those shoot the can games, which took several tries. When we got on we were both visibly nervous, this was a small cramped space we had to share, what if I said something weird and he'd get totally grossed out and we had to sit threw the awkwardness for the whole ride?

As the ride started Akashi squeezed my hand a little and lightly put his head on my shoulder and with that simple act all my anxiety faded away.

Have you ever felt so comfortable with someone where you'd wish you could be with them all the time and a moment alone with them felt like nobody else was on the planet except for you two at this exact moment? That's how life felt in that moment. And those few minutes of silence felt to me like a thousand words had just been spoken. I was actually kind of sad the moment ended when we had to get off the ferris wheel.

"You're still sleeping over right? I don't want you to walk alone this late at night", he said although it was just 10

"Yeah I'm not a fan of the dark really and I have all my stuff at your place already anyway.", after I said that I could almost see the gears turning in Akaashi's brain,

"Wanna go to the love tunnel?"

Notes:

Some things that weren't detailed here will probably be more detailed in Akashi's Pov.

So yeah you're going to have to wait for Chapter 3 for the love tunnel and sleepover.

I gotta give you a reason to come back now don't I?

Hope you liked this Chapter, Lots of Love,

Sasha <3

[khaleesiofalicante]

Damn I feel like it's been forever for some reason lmao. Last week's hell is finally over and I get to relax this week! I'm going out with some friends on Friday and I've also cleared my phone and organized my notes!!! It feels so good😭 Now I have some thoughts about last chapter BECAUSE WOW

First of all fuck Mallory, I hate her and I will never get tired of saying this and I am now divided between wanting to read the next chapter so bad and dreading it with my whole being 🙂

My heart broke into a million pieces with the first part!!! Rafael's fear for Max is shown so damn well and Max's thoughts are messy and all over the place and the way you can see him moving in and out of reality is overwhelming!!

I kinda guessed the "why isn't he smiling?" part but fuck if it ripped my heart 😭😭

"Tears of grief" Max loving him so much he literally recognizes his tears and knows these ones too.... And saying he looks as if he is grieving something that was his everything, not knowing David was grieving him. Grieving them. The life they had built. Gone.

"I wanna see daddy" WHEN I TELL YOU I WAS SCREAMING INTERNALLY ON MY FLOOR!! When we first saw on the first chapters I was so confused and now that the dots connected I am in pain 😭. And you wrote that scene so beautifully, their pain and horror and how you see Max slowly losing himself because it's just too much. The pain is too much. Losing David, Lance's pain, his job, his home...

And the scene with Magnus!!! GOING TO MY FAVE COLLECTION 🥺. Also him giving the band to AJ later, because Magnus said he could give it to someone else when it hurt just a little bit less HOLY SHIT😭😭

I can go on a three hour analysis so Imma stop jdhdjdjkd. BUT THE PRESENT TOO JFC

Max's growth. That ends me everytime. Seeing how much he has changed and how he survived through all of this. Thinking of the was Alec told him how proud he is of Max because he made it. Not the way he planned. But he did it. He got so far, and that took so much strength but he still survived. Same Alec, same🥹

But also the fucking parallel:

"He was careful now (...) Just in case. Just in case he'll get his heart broken all over again."

///

Not without an explanation. Not without getting his heart broken into a million pieces one last time.

Then, just like everything else in life, things slowly got better. This whole fic is a prove of it and I can't even-

YES LANCE CALL HIS IDIOTIC SELF OUT!!! TELL HIM DAVID LOVES HIM MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF!!! I WILL NEVER GET TIRED IF HIS SASS BTW

You once said that tlnd was was about acceptance and healing, but IALS is about forgiveness, about learning to forgive the people we love, but mostly about learning to forgive ourselves (I have the receipts don't @ me) and this scene portrayed that so well. Even though Max knows it wasn't his fault he still blames himself. Because knowing is not the same as accepting it. As Max said, shit is hard to internalize.

THIS GOES TO MY TOP 10😭😭 LANCE AND MAX TALKING TO EACH OTHER IS EVERYTHING I KNEW I NEEDED FROM THE VERY START I AM SO EMOTIONAL!!! Also Lance and Max's detective skills together??? ✨ Iconic✨

Tell me how to love you as you want to be loved and I'll do it to give you the comfort and safety you deserve is something I'll never get tired of😭😭 istg I could go on a whole speech about this part because it's so true. Sometimes parents don't love us the way we want to be loved, but that doesn't mean there's no love there. It's just different of what we expect. And sometimes people go their whole lives not knowing of that love and that's just sad.

That is one unproblematic child,” Max noted. “Really doesn’t fit into this clusterfuck of a family.”

“I’m waiting for him to set Hollywood on fire,” Lance informed. “Don’t lose hope yet.”

HOLY SHIT I JUST REALIZED I'M THE ARTHUR OF MY FAMILY. WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE???

I have so many feeling about that apartment and Harry and them but I will not unpack them bc this shit is already long enough 🙂

Their conversation. The way they've both changed so much. Talking about how they wished they were there for Lance and for each other. I was in TEARS

Everything of the last scene was *screams internally* David fucking pushing Max to the wall, stronger than hate. "He's scared of something". Fucking Mon ange, *what did Mallory do to you?"

I just want you to know I will combust into confetti or tears in the next chapter. Probably both...

Anyway this turned long and I better go. Take care and drink lots of tea!!!!

💙.💙.💙.

This made me so 😇😇😇😇 and gave me some motivation to write the next chapter 😭😭😭😭 Thank you 💚💚💚

This is Lance sleeping in Arthur’s room 🥰🥰🥰

[ssreeder]

sreedieeeeeeeeee

hey

I’m like 2 weeks late but YKW better late than never so hush

okay ara is such a mood for hating bugs, she’s like me fr

ah fuck NOT THE SHEN FEELS AGAIN (I need like a vaccine against the shen feels bc I’m constantly attacked by them). ara is gonna be SO fucked up when she realises shen is dead. like any and all progress she makes on the journey to bss just absolutely obliterated. at the same time, however, I do think it’s probably a good thing in the long run seeing as she won’t be able to “dedicate” herself to shen like she plans and will instead actually have to heal properly

GIRLS TEA SESH OMG

fuck off katara PLEASE CAN SOMEONE TELL OUR BOYS THAT ZHAO IS DEAD

lmao suki dw sokka is very much in a relationship with a person who understands what he went through

sokka and toph hours <3

obsessed with how sokka’s train of thought goes: zukozukozukozuko toph is picking WHAT out of her toes??? zukozukozukozuko

SLAY ZUKO but also why the fuck are you out of bed you idiot BUT ALSO SLAY

yay tears!!! finally some good old healthy emotional catharsis

“You’re soaking wet!”

“It’s raining.”

I FUCKING LOVE ZUKO YOU DONT UNDERSTAND

sorry but the phrase “lone eyebrow” is actually hilarious

you heard it here first lads!! it’s only true love if you let them wipe their snot on you

I think this is the most zuko has ever spoken at once wtf??? what has gotten in to my guy

idk why sokka is surprised that zuko didn’t leave a note. that’s about the only predictable thing about him

DID JET JUST FUCKINF DIE

oh spirit water okay then

aaaand that’s where my comment ends apparently?? it’s so short this is strange

yeah anyways, brain = scrambled. I’ve had this written for like over a week now and just.. never sent it as an ask???

IN CONCLUSION yay zukkuddles :D

Leeekiiieeee broooo….

Ara is already so fucked up, what’s a little Shen death gunna do?? Huh??? send her over the edge?? hmmm?? ;) :D

HAHA, I love that the girl gossip has so much love, just wait until the future and the gossip girls recruit more members haha. XOXO. ;) (please say you get it)

Zuko learned that he could use his voice, but only with Sokka… Just wait until next chapter when Zuko pulls and Iroh and starts spewing life advice… WHO IS DISSS???? :D

Ember island players episode needed a LIAB moment (& I AM SO PROUD OF ALL PEOPLE WHO TOTALLY GOT IT hahaha)

It is so strange but that’s alright I am so late to answer everything and I am just key smashing at this point FUCKING LOVE YA LEEKIEEEE

[tarn-ati0n]

Champion Lance, live commentary

- ohohohoh boy, I do not feel good about this fight. I used up almost all of my healing items already, and I kinda forgot how underleveld I actually am. I have zero Idea which pokemon he sends out first, so I put Ashley in the lead, simply because she's my starter.

Here we fucking go

- he opens with Gyarados, because of fucking course he does. Ashley out, Sylt in. I wanted to keep her and her Aurora Beam for his Dragonites, but that plan quickly changed

- Gyarados did nothing against her, unfortunately. But then I flinch, and get defeated in the next round by a crit. A wonderful start to this Battle.

Switching in Atlas might seem like a bad Idea (and it probably is) but what else can I do-

Nononono, scrap that plan. Chocolate lowers its Attack than Paralyzes him. THEN I can start thinking about sending in Atlas

- STOP FLINCHING MY TEAM!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT, I HAVEN'T GOT A SINGLE ATTACK OF SO FAR!!!

One more hit and Chocolate is down. I have nothing good to switch into. Jesus this battle is going terrible.

I have to send in Pidgeot, then U-Turn back into Chocolate to get another Intimidate in.

- a crit, because of course. This thing isn't a pokemon. It's a killing machine. So far both Sylt and Pidgeot are down, and I only have two revives. Fml.

Switching Chocolate back in for another Intimidate.

- ok, thanks to the double Attack down Chocolate survived. I have to heal her now and hope for the best.

- he got another flinch. I'm about to throw my ds against a wall heal, then try glare again.

- Fucking Finally, Glare hit. Now I can actually do something.

I first have to heal Chocolate again, then revive Sylt and Pidgeot. The only healing item I will have left after that is one Full restore. I got a bad feeling about this.

- ok, everyone on my team is back and thanks to Paralysis the gyarados couldn't defeat Chocolate. I have to use my last healing Item already on Chocolate, then try to Screech and Crunch it to death.

- I'm sad to say that Chocolate has to die, and that I'm not able to revive her. She needs to lower Gyarados defense one more time so that Atlas can defeat it with a rock slide. I was hoping that she would be the hero of this battle, but fate had other plans.

- FUCK THAT IDEA, Paralasys hits two times in a row! Its defense is unbelievable low now! I'm switching Chocolate out for Pidgeot, I hope that she can finish it off

- Pidgeot was send in and takes a Waterfall, luckily not crit this time. I don't know if this thing has Ice fang or not, so I'm going with Fly. If it goes for any dangerous moves and she survives, it's a U-Turn into Atlas

- It had Ice fang, which could have ended really bad, but luckily Pidgeot flys killed it. He sends in Aerodactyl, so NOW I'm U-Turning into Atlas.

Actually, no. No U-turn. I feel like that thing is faster than Pidgeot. I'm switching out manually.

- good call, rock slide would have been catastrophic for Pidgeot, but Atlas takes it no problem. Now, if stone edge hits-

Aerodactyl used Rock Slide

Atlas flinched

This Battle is turning me into the Joker

- ok, now that stone edge hit Aerodactyl is down. Lance sends out his first Dragonite.

I would love to have Sylt out right now, but I'm way to scared to switch. Let's see if I can land another Stone edge.

- I CAN! ATLAS IS FASTER AND ONE SHOTS THE DRAGONITE! YOU LOVE TO SEE IT!

Out comes another Dragonite. But maybe, if I can land another Stone Edge-

- ah too bad. Stone Edge missed and the Dragonite lands a ... what was that move called in English again... an electric type Attack that paralyzes you. Shockwave. I think that's the one.

If Atlas goes down here she dies with honor. Stone Edge has no PP, so rock slide is my only other option.

- Dragonite missed a Dragon Rush! Rock slide hits and kills! Atlas you don't know how proud you are making me right now.

His Last Dragonite. Rock Slide, one more time!

- Paralasys hits, and the Dragonite lands a Dragon Rush. Atlas is still standing though, so come on! another Rock Slide!

- Second Dragon Rush defeats Atlas. No need to worry though. It's still five vs two. I'm sending in Sylt, her Aurora Beam is 4x effective!

- A crit dragon rush. Sylt goes down immediately. I'm suddenly not feeling very confident anymore.

- I send in Chocolate to lower Dragonites Attack. It's a small chance, but I hope that it's Dragon rush misses and I can Paralyze it.

- YOU KNOW BLIZZARD!?

This is going horrible. I have 3 pokemon left, and none of them can do something against this.

Help

I have to send in Ashley and hope for a Burn.

- Dragon Rush missed! Ashley lands a Critical Hit Fire Blast! It isn't burned, but it's a little spark of Hope!

I'm going for Fire Blast again

- Critical Hit Dragon Rush. Ashley is down. I have only Pidgeot and Tectra Left. This isn't going to work, is it?

I'm sending in Pidgeot.

- Lance healed his Dragonite. It used Blizzard, but because I was still in the air thanks to Fly, it missed. What now?

- Blizzard hits. Besides Tectra I have no pokemon left. Fuuuuuuck

I'm going for Rollout. The Sandstorm is still active, so maybe my ability will save me.

- Blizzard hits again and Killed Ashley.

I scurried to a Pokemon Center, protecting the exhausted and Fainted Pokemon from further Harm...

Fuck me. My team got decimated.

[marcelinesghost13]

Hello Blog,

So a lot has been going on in my Telemundo fucking life. Let's start with my dad. So yesterday we had the funeral and buried my dad. It was a military funeral and burial. I did most of the talking at the funeral. There's definitely a lot of emotion going on but I did my best when I was talking to make the environment more positive. I do miss my dad a lot and I wish he was still around unfortunately life has decided to take him. The one thing I can definitely say is he's in a better place and he's a lot more happier.. my dad was in a lot of pain before he died and now he's not in pain anymore so that makes me happy.

The one thing that is kind of annoying the shit out of me and I understand everyone means well by it. When they ask me if I'm doing okay or they tell me you know what you've gone through is really hard. It's not hard to accept the loss of a loved one especially someone really close to you. My dad was my best friend I talked to him everyday about everything. But it's not hard that he's gone. I've come to terms and accepted the fact that he's no longer here. And now I continue my life without him in it. At least in his physical form he's not here. His spiritual form he's still here I know he is I can feel his presence. And to be honest I'm perfectly fine and I'm okay. My heart is broken for several different reasons right now and over time you'll heal but I know because it's broken that there's going to be scars on my heart and those scars will never heal. And I accept that and I understand it and it doesn't bother me. It just makes me a better stronger person.

Now moving on to the fucking ex. She is still continuously insisting that the marriage that we used to have will somehow repair itself. She's also trying to convince me that I need to get off my HRT and go back to being a guy. I am not fucking doing that. And I'm not going back to be your little punching bag and her fucking little bitch that deals with the physical and mental abuse that she does. She's tried several different times to get me to go back to the house after fighting with me all fucking day. And every fucking time I just kind of blow her off because I don't want to be fucking around her. I hate her fucking presents it's toxic as fuck. She doesn't see the fact of her behavior as far as she's concerned it's perfectly fine and that's my personality that needs to be adjusted. Yeah what the fuck ever I know I'm fucking normal well it's normal as a fucking trans goth girl can be. In any case the marriage is over she needs to come to realize that if she wants to get a divorce and lose the benefits that I'm providing for her and all the other things that I pay for her in her life in order to make you comfortable then that's her fucking choice. I pay her land taxes I pay her utility bills in the house I pay your fucking cell phone bill like if it requires money I pay it and then on top of that she gets an additional $200 every two weeks for me. But yet she continuously lets me know that I don't do anything and I'm irresponsible so what the fuck ever wake the fuck up and leave me the fuck alone as far as I'm concerned. I'm sitting here doing all these nice things out of kindness and I get a slap in the face for it it's bullshit. And she seriously needs a reality check.

But in other good news after three long fucking years I finally got to see my daughter. Which I'm beyond excited about even though I got only got to see her for a day. I smothered that kiddo with hugs and kisses almost every opportunity that I could. And on top of that she's dug herself out of the hole that she's been in she got out of the mafia which I'm so proud of her and now she's a cook or should I say she's a chef actually and she's amazing. The amount of things that this girl can create with food is beyond my imagination. I know someday she's going to be an amazing executive chef she's not quite there yet but that's okay overtime she will get better and I believe in her and I'm proud of her and I love her so much. And it was so hard to let her go when I dropped her off at the airport I just wanted to squeeze her to death and just keep her forever. Yeah I know I can't do that and she has to go back to her everyday life. But at least I'm finally in contact with her again and if it means I have to be separated from my ex-wife then I'm going to do that in order to keep my relationship alive with my kiddo.

So that's pretty much everything for right now that I can think of off the top of my head I hope you all have enjoyed my Telemundo fucking life and I will write another blog probably sooner than later.

111920242023

[freakshow-entries]

what more can I do?

this would be more of a venting post, which I haven't done in a long time. it's been hard trying to make decisions for my future when I don't know what I want to do. I truly feel like I'm stuck in quicksand and everyone and everything around me is moving so fast. like those sped-up edited videos you see on the internet. lately, I have been feeling like I am not able to take a breather. I am constantly gasping for a breath of fresh air but the more I try to fight for my survival, I feel like I'm drowning. and then there is the guilt, the big guilt of it all, that I am undeserving of my partner's love. don't get me wrong, he is the most patient, kind, compassionate, and understanding partner. but I fear that I will drive him away with my never-ending stress of life. I do however communicate with him about my emotions, he makes me feel so safe and calm. everything is slowed down and the rambling thoughts from my mind finally turn to dust. how can I be better for him? I want to be better for OUR peace of mind. I thought I was doing better, I even got to answer 'No' to the depression questionnaire from the doctor. I was so proud of myself. I have to remember that healing is not a linear thing. It has it's ups and down, and it freaking sucks. I often think about what could I have done differently so I wouldn't be this fucked up in the head. The worst curse I could possibly have is being aware of what is wrong with me but still feeling so mentally ill about it. I feel so weak-minded. I feel like I could snap myself out of this before it's too late. but how does one know whenever it's too late? I miss going to school, I want to go back to college. I want to accomplish something for MYSELF. I want to be able to be proud of myself. and I wish I had the financial ability to help me with that, I am struggling with that so much but I don't tell anyone because it is MY mess to clean up. I wish I was able to help my family with money issues too. My family is also going through a crisis that I wish I could help, as an older sister I feel so much responsibility to them. and even in that, I'm failing to do so. I am so tired of working. I give my 110% and it feels like I get nothing in return, but to everyone else, I'm supposedly doing "so good". I am exhausted and close to passing out from overworking myself. I can't quit my job because that would mean giving up my management position and starting over with pay and benefits. Sometimes I can't believe this is the life I'm living. I feel so ungrateful for this, many people would love to be in my position and have my "struggles". But how can I stay happy? WHAT ELSE IS THERE FOR ME? WHAT MORE CAN I DO?????? please I just want to be happy. I deserve to be happy too. I deserve to live freely without a care in the world. Why am I like this.