#he's built his whole fighting style around how Fucking Weird his sword is

[where-the-water-flows]

hey no wait. hang on, wait. wenjing is like, explicitly the secret sword, right, the one basically no one knew about, it's part of the reason the court is like 'mmk seems legit' when fang doubing is like ~I am totally for real his disciple~ because he knows about the sword at all

but li xiangyi/lianhua is clearly like. practiced at using the sword, which does not move like basically...any other weapon. that man has spent a fuck lot of time training to and straight up developing how to use a sword that is basically the most unswordlike sword to ever sword. that sword is like a slap bracelet with bladed edges that can also cut through....anything? nearly anything?? it does not move or react like your standard mostly rigid bar of folded metal sword, is the gist here.

which brings me to two, semi-related, points:

when saintess rocks up to steal di feisheng from the zombie cave and also is like 'I'm going to kill you uh actually lol nope fuck that I'm outtie peace bitches', is that literally the first time she's even got a hint that li xiangyi/lianhua has a sword that is basically nigh impossible to block because it can straight up bend around obstacles? (obstacles such as, say, anyone else's sword) if yes, no fucking wonder she's like mmmm I see no thank you I need to go wash my di feisheng's hair, so busy, catch you later because like. how the fuck do you even deal with that. a guy who should have been horribly and messily dead literally a decade ago rocks up and is like 'I lived bitch! also surprise, I have a sword made of glowing Go-Fuck-Yourself metal', like, I too would fucking split! you would only be able to find me by the cartoon dust cloud left in my wake. RIP to everyone else in the jianghu but saintess is making the objectively correct choice here, which is wild because, like. saintess.

how many people's last fucking moment was seeing throat cutter, probably glowing and covered in their blood? because like. Li xiangyi clearly used it! enough to be good at using it. enough to know that it glows blue when there's blood on it, even if he apparently was just like sometimes swords just glow for reasons I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. so. if no one outside of sigu sect high command knows that wenjing exists*, that means everyone else who ever saw that sword -- which there has to have been people, given that li xiangyi was out there uhhh using it -- those people who saw it presumably also uh. died. in a pretty confirmed kinda way. likely via....that sword. throat cutter** indeed

*and not even all of the inner sigu sect command folks knew about li xiangyi having it! they're pretty explicit that five people total know about the sword, which is the four court heads, and then presumably either qiao wanmian or xiao zijin, but not both of them (which, lmao, what the hell were sigu sect internal politics for real), and even that's if we assume shan gudao is not being included in the count because he's "dead"

**yes I know it's a reference to a friendship/relationship you'd cut your throat for per @murderedbyhomework's recent great meta, but also, like. it's still a cut throat, y'know? words can have multiple meanings, and also this is mostly a pun on the name. the rest of the post stands as is tho.

[fatesdeepdive]

Entry 9: NO

Before doing anything else, I built a lottery house in the castle. The logistics of there being stores and gambling houses within my personal castle, that my soldiers work at, that don’t just give me whatever I want is kinda weird. The lottery gave me a radish I fed to Lilith.

Support: Hana/Subaki

C: Hana confronts Subaki about his tendency to refer to himself as perfect. He brushes it off, because he thinks that he genuinely is completely without fault. This angers Hana, who brings up a time Subaki fell off his horse and challenges him to a duel.

B: The duo begin their competition. Subaki, despite not actually having any sword skills, manages to defeat Hana by studying her fighting style over several months and messing with her head.

A: Hana takes the second round, beating Subaki in a horse race. Hana reveals that she doesn’t actually care about beating Subaki, just about serving Sakura, and the two decide to suspend their competition.

S: Subaki states that he hates when Hana brings up the time he fell off his horse because he embarrassed himself in front of Hana. Also the duo apparently love each other now.

Review: Decent set up, lackluster execution. I do like Hana’s feelings of inferiority in comparison to Subaki, and Subaki is wonderfully arrogant during this line, but the resolution comes from a revelation Hana had off screen and feels anti-climactic. I felt nothing during the marriage conversation.

Support: Hana/Sakura

C: Hana and Sakura discuss their childhood friendship and the fact that Hana has been protecting Sakura since even before she was a retainer. Sakura states that Hana’s stubbornness pairs nicely with her own introversion.

B: Hana reveals that Sakura’s kindness gave her a reason to dedicate herself to becoming a master samurai. Sakura reveals that she chose Hana as her retainer, in spite of her age and objections from others, because of...a reason explained in the next conversation. Gotta love cliffhangers.

A: Sakura chose Hana as her retainer because of all the times she protected her as a kid, so many times that Hana is covered in scars. Sakura feels guilty over Hana’s scars, but Hana brushes it off, stating that her scars are a badge of honor because they were earned protecting Sakura. Small character design note: Hana does not have any visible scars in this game. She does consistently have a scar in her arm in Heroes, and inconsistently has a scar on her left thigh, but neither of those scars are visible in game. Maybe the scars are hidden below her headband?

Review: First off, these two deserve an S-Rank conversation. They have more chemistry than most of the couples in this game. Setting that aside, I enjoy Hana and Sakura inspiring each other to be better. I love the idea of Hana protecting Sakura from feral dogs and Sakura repaying her by making her a retainer, going against royal officials to do so.

Support: Sakura/Subaki

C: Subaki yawns in front of Sakura then pretends it didn’t happen, because he is too perfect to get fatigued.

B: Subaki makes a tiny slip-up when filling out a form and has a complete meltdown, launching into a self-depreciating rant. Hana brings up that she’s seen him make mistakes before, which only makes things worse.

A: Sakura comforts Subaki and he reveals that his obsession with perfection stems from his childhood; his parents hammered in the idea that he must be perfect at all times as to not embarrass himself in front of royalty. He brings up the time he fell off his horse in front of Sakura right before she chose him as a retainer and reveals that he’s thought for years she chose him out of pity. Sakura comforts him, saying that he’s amazing and his slip-ups only make him more charming.

S: Subaki renews his vows as a retainer, promising to always fight for Sakura even if he cannot achieve total perfection. Sakura accepts, on the condition that Subaki marries her.

Review: I actually really enjoyed this one. The main gag with Subaki is that he’s arrogant and thinks of himself as perfect. This line deconstructs that, showing him fall apart at the idea that he isn’t good enough. It didn’t go fully into it, but this line suggests that Subaki may have some real mental health issues, possibly stemming from an abusive childhood. The romance isn’t perfect, but I do like the idea of Subaki ending up with Sakura because she helps him learn to accept himself. Also for all of Sakura’s supports I’m going to pretend that she isn’t like fourteen, because otherwise they’re all super creepy.

Support: Corrin/Sakura

C: Corrin asks if Sakura dislikes her and Sakura, who has never once visited any Fire Emblem or Smash Brothers forum, states that no one could ever dislike Corrin. Apparently, Sakura is awkward and shy around Corrin because she sucks at talking to people. Corrin offers to help her practice talking.

B: Corrin asks Sakura some basic questions and Sakura freezes up from anxiety and can’t answer anyone. Corrin theorizes that Sakura is easily intimidated by other people.

A: Sakura reveals that she’s always so anxious because she heard a rumor that Nohr actually wanted to kidnap her, not Nohr. This rumor was evidently false, because it makes absolutely no sense from a lore perspective. Also, I question the idea that this is the source of all of Sakura’s anxiety. Her anxiety around Corrin, maybe, but it’s odd that guilt over her sister’s kidnapping that she’s known for years wasn’t her fault would make her anxious around other people. I mean, it’s more pronounced around Corrin, but only in this support line. Whatever. Corrin swears to protect Sakura and I guess that means her anxiety is cured.

Review: This conversation is mediocre. Sakura getting anxiety because of something a maid said once is stupid, but Corrin trying to help her get over it is okay.

You’ll notice that I stopped this at the A rank. Well, you see, Corrin and Sakura only have three, conversations instead of four because, despite Corrin having a variable gender, Corrin and Sakura are siblings and Intelligent Systems would never include incest in a Fire Emblem game. They’d never do that because that would be terrible.

Wait. What’s that? Why does it say on the wiki that they have an S-Conversation? Surely this isn’t real.

Oh god it’s real.

No.

No no no.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

What the fuck, Intelligent Systems? Why did you include incestuous pedophilic marriage in your role-playing game? Seriously, what the actual fuck?

And, looking at Corrin’s support list, it’s not just Sakura. Every single Nohr and Hoshidan royal can date Corrin. I don’t know what’s worse, Corrin having sex with her stranger blood siblings or having sex with the people she thought were her blood siblings for years. Fine. Let’s just do the stupid conversation.

S: Sakura reveals that she’s been dreaming about the sibling she never knew for years, imagining what Corrin would grow up to be like. It’s actually a decent idea, albeit one hidden in the evil cursed S-Support that I hate. Corrin asks if they live up to expectations and Sakura states that they exceed them. Then Sakura says that she loves Corrin. Romantically. Corrin, being the sane person, objects, pointing out that they’re half-siblings. I don’t know where this half-sibling thing came from, as far as Corrin knows both of them are the children of Mikoto and Sumeragi. I mean, it is stated in Revelations that Mikoto isn’t actually the mother of anyone but Corrin, but Corrin doesn’t know that yet. Whatever. Sakura pulls out a letter from Mikoto that she only read a few minutes ago that says, psych! Corrin and Sakura aren’t actually related. At all. So it’s cool to bang. Corrin instantly gets over the whole “Don’t fuck your little sister” thing immediately and proposes to Sakura. What the actual fuck.

Review Continued: If ninety percent of the S-Rank conversation is convincing the audience that, no, this isn’t incest, you know it’s bad. And sure, it isn’t technically incest anymore, but who cares? Corrin and Sakura didn’t know that until ten seconds before they screwed each other. This is an incestuous marriage and it’s fucking gross. The writers clearly know it was gross, but they included it anyway.

And here’s the big problem with the Hoshidan sibling marriages: Birthright is built on the premise that this is Corrin’s real family, that Hoshido is her real home. It’s literally called Birthright. But if Corrin isn’t actually related to the Hoshidan Royals, all of that falls apart. They’re just strangers. The whole concept of the game doesn’t apply anymore. Because Intelligent Systems couldn’t release a game where the player insert doesn’t fuck literally every character. And, until we get to the point in Revelations where that is properly revealed, I’m going to pretend I don’t know it.

We got some new characters at the end of the last chapter, so let’s talk about them.

Silas

Silas is a cavalier who went turncloak for Corrin at the end of the last chapter because of a childhood friendship Corrin doesn’t remember. His personal skill makes him fight better when Corrin is injured. I’m starting to notice just how many of these skills specifically relate to Corrin, which makes sense but is still kinda weird. His design is fine, nothing objectionable there. I do think Silas’s forgotten childhood friend backstory is a bit odd, though. And I’m getting sick of characters who are obsessed with Corrin.

Saizo

Saizo is Kaze’s twin brother who looks like twenty years older than him. He’s the slower but tougher of the duo, judging from their stats. His personal skill Pyrotechnics is basically just him blowing shit up, which as far as I’m concerned is his solution to all problems. His mask is really weird looking, but at least he’s visually interesting. Personality wise, he seems like a dick, but in a good way. Our army needs some common sense and he brings it.

Orochi

Real talk: I forgot this character existed until she joined us. Orochi is a mage...er, diviner who has the personal skill Capture, which I’ll talk about later. Her design is decent; I like the sultry hair pulling in her portrait, it gives off a lot of personality. I don’t have much to say, I forgot she existed before the end of last chapter and have no clue what her personality will be.

Birthright Chapter 8: Fierce Winds

Team Corrin travels up the Eternal Staircase, a massive subterranean tunnel that leads to the Wind Tribe Village. Kaze notices that the group is being followed and a group of faceless pop out. Kaze and Corrin slaughter them with ease. Unfortunately, after the battle, the faceless turn into Wind Tribe civilians. Iago appears and explains that he disguised civilians as monsters using magic. He learned it from his favorite movie villain, the Joker from the Dark Knight, who Iago thinks is actually the good guy.

The gang reaches the Wind Tribe village. Corrin decides to just waltz in because sneaking past would be suspicious. Wind Tribe members attack. Not sure how they know about the whole slaughter thing. Maybe one of the fake faceless got away? Whatever.

Our three princesses apologize to the tribe members and they lead us to their chief, Fuga. Then the battle immediately begins. Guess negotiations didn’t go well.

Also here for some reason is Hinoka and her two retainers, Setsuna and Azama, both of whom are absolute morons. But, like, in a good way. Setsuna falls in quicksand, doesn’t care, and Azama immediately declares her dead. The fact that Hinoka has to basically babysit her two idiot bodyguards is amusing.

Setsuna

An Archer that works as Hinoka’s bodyguard. Her personal skill, Optimistic, makes her recover more when healed by a staff. A thing they do a lot in recent Fire Emblem games is to have characters that are based around specific gags or tropes. These are hit or miss, but Setsuna’s gag of constantly endangering herself and just not giving a shit sounds funny. The faced half-covered by hair initially makes her seem cool, but when paired with the dopey face and her personality it makes her look completely distracted. I like Setsuna, from what I’ve seen.

Azama

A monk who seems to be ridiculously optimistic and laid back. His personal skill, Divine Retribution, hurts opponents who attack him when he’s unarmed, which is a really cool idea. Azama doesn’t seem to be quite as funny as Setsuna, but still seems entertaining. I have mixed feelings on his design. I can’t tell if I like the closed eyes or not. The puffballs and wild hair are dumb though.

It’s worth noting that, because we move first, Corrin’s army attacks without provocation. Remember, they can’t see the red labels on enemies.

This map takes place in a desert. We can use the Dragon Veins to make it not a desert, which is good, because Fire Emblem deserts suck. Halfway through the battle, we finally talk to Fuga. He explains that we must earn the right to explain by killing all of his men. Bit of a dick move, chief.

We beat Fuga fairly easily. This chapter was fine, but just fine. Not bad, just unremarkable. Fuga explains that he was friends with Sumeragi and knows a lot about Yato. Apparently, us killing all of his men was a test to make us stronger so we can unlock Yato’s true power. Apparently, Yato can link something called the Sealed Flames and destroy the world. Neat.

Fuga accepts our explanation of the civilian murders. Which makes sense, it was kinda dumb. Actually, wait. Why did that have to be a plot point? Couldn’t this chapter just have been Fuga testing us?

Before we leave, Corrin and Azura discuss that there may be more blades like Yato out there. They don’t ask Fuga, because reasons. Also Fuga gives us his son. Neat.

[reconditarmonia]

Dear Fandom 5K Author

Hi! Thank you for writing for me! I’m reconditarmonia here and on AO3. I have anon messaging off, but mods can contact me with any questions.

Dragon Age | Fullmetal Alchemist | The Locked Tomb | Motherland: Fort Salem | Where the Sky is Silver and the Earth is Brass

General likes:

– Relationships that aren’t built on romance or attraction. They can be romantic or sexual as well, but my favorite ships are all ones where it would still be interesting or compelling if the romantic component never materialized.

– Loyalty kink! Trust, affectionate or loving use of titles, gestures of loyalty, replacing one’s situational or ethical judgment with someone else’s, risking oneself (physically or otherwise) for someone else, not doing so on their orders. Can be commander-subordinate or comrades-in-arms.

– Heists, or other stories where there’s a lot of planning and then we see how the plan goes.

– Femslash, complicated or intense relationships between women, and female-centric gen. Women doing “male” stuff (possibly while crossdressing).

– Stories whose emotional climax or resolution isn’t the sex scene, if there is one.

– Uniforms/costumes/clothing.

– Stories, history, and performance. What gets told and how, what doesn’t get told or written down, behavior in a society where everyone’s consuming media and aware of its tropes, how people create their personas and script their own lines.

General DNW: rape/dubcon, torture, other creative gore; unrequested AUs, including “same setting, different rules” AUs such as soulmates/soulbonds; PWP; food sex; embarrassment; focus on pregnancy; Christmas/Christian themes; infidelity; unrequested polyamory; focus on unrequested canon or non-canon ships; unrequested trans versions of characters.

Smut Likes: clothing, uniforms, sexual tension, breasts, manual sex, cunnilingus, grinding, informal d/s elements, intensity.

—

Fandom: Dragon Age

Character(s):

Group: Cassandra Pentaghast/Female Lavellan

Female Lavellan

Group: Charter & Rector

Genre(s):

Canon-Style Plot - Freeform

Action/Adventure

Worldbuilding

Established Relationship

Mystery/Procedural

I'm playing this game for the first time and loving Cassandra and Lavellan together so much. (I'm playing with a mod where I can romance her with a female PC!) Lavellan starts off as this confused and small and non-Andrastian prisoner who disagrees with Cassandra on so many things, but Cassandra puts so much trust and faith in her and so much on the line for her - even with Lavellans who are adamant that they're not chosen, they're just doing their best and they happen to be the ones in the position to make this choice. Cassandra is so proud to know her, and backs her up even when she disagrees with Lavellan's choices! The romance scene is really cute between two characters who are adults and have a day-to-day working relationship that isn't going to change, but are still just having fun with how charming it is in a way that builds on their friendship. Not to mention their battling together, of course - the ways they can protect each other and fight for each other's goals (and give Cassandra all the elven swords and shields), how worried they sound if the other one gets hurt...whoops, I found myself another loyalty kink ship.

I also just like playing as Lavellan generally, with how much of an outsider she feels (the "Dawn Will Come" scene is so alienating! it really works!) and how much of the game is about visiting the sites of past elven trauma and/or glory days.

My Lavellan uses the (default lol) name of Ellana, is a rift mage, sports a lovely buzzcut and vallaslin, has a lot of feelings about elf history (and visiting the Plains/Graves especially), believes in elven gods and doesn't care to pretend she's Andrastian, and besides Cass is closest friends with Solas, but don't feel that you have to write my specific PC - I'm excited to read about yours too!

But! I also love all the little hints about the work that Leliana's agents are doing, and their friendship (walking in on their card game at Caer Bronach is kind of delightful), and the letter from Rector's mother asking why he uses a code name for work (why are you ashamed of your name, Wilbur??) is one of my favorite in-universe documents. Slice-of-life or slice-of-mission with Charter and Rector would also make me really happy. Here again, just the closeness and trust and faith that these people have in one another is my jam.

Fandom-Specific DNW: Canon-typical levels of Cassandra's association with the Chantry and belief in the Maker/Andraste/the Herald shouldn't be taken to contravene my DNW of Christian themes, but I wouldn't want Satinalia fic or something focused on the Andrastian faith. Please don't put F!Lavellan in a different romance, even if we didn't match on the Cassandra ship.

—

Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist

Character(s):

Group: Olivier Mira Armstrong/Maria Ross

Genre(s):

Action/Adventure

Canon-Style Plot - Freeform

Getting Together

I'll admit: I am a shallow, shallow person who loves the heartwarming and id-satisfying Briggs loyalty-kink complex (The watch! Buccaneer handing Olivier a clean pair of gloves after she kills Raven! Constant and deeply sincere saluting! Olivier’s explanation of why she wants Miles around and her lack of patience for anyone’s shit) but would like an f/f manifestation of it for actual shipping. Post-canon or AU where Maria is assigned to Briggs, or works for Olivier in Central? Does Maria foil a plot against Olivier, or Olivier save Maria's life in battle? Does Olivier order Maria into a firefight? Hit me.

Fandom-Specific DNW: Olivier/men, even mentioned.

—

Fandom: The Locked Tomb

Character(s):

Matthias Nonius

Genre(s):

Action/Adventure

Canon-Style Plot - Freeform

Fantasy

Nonius was one of my favorite new characters in Harrow the Ninth. His whole impossible arrival via evocation-by-poetry, battle with the Sleeper, and epic departure to fight the Beast made me very, very happy on levels I have trouble explaining. It was so heartwarming?! Because it was impossible, and because poetry won, and because they went off to do the best they could...I don't know, exactly. (Iiiii also just love that he's named for the Redwall mouse.) I'd love to read more about his life - being unprepossessing and very human but also paladin-like and really fucking good at being a swordsman, representing the Ninth House in slightly less decrepit times, his mysterious past with Gideon the First (and Pyrrha, sort of), however it happened that he died far from home in an unknown place and couldn't be recovered for burial, "chickenshits don't get beer"? Or, er, his afterlife - going to fight with Marta, Ortus, and Pro, re-encountering G1deon as allies...

—

Fandom: Motherland: Fort Salem

Character(s):

Group: Abigail Bellweather/Raelle Collar

Original Historical Witch Character(s)

Group: Sarah Alder & First Bellweather Ancestor

Genre(s):

Action/Adventure

Canon-Style Plot - Freeform

Mystery/Procedural

Worldbuilding

I fell hard for this show and Abigail/Raelle is the ship I’m most excited about - they get off to a bad start for all kinds of personal history reasons and have problems with each other, but when it gets down to the wire Abigail would do anything for Raelle and is very gung-ho about having Raelle’s unconventional but extremely powerful magic under her leadership, regardless of Raelle being a loose cannon. She told her she loved her!! <3 And by the end, Raelle also clearly knows what Abigail's going through (like when she talks her down in "Citydrop"), respects her leadership, and cares deeply about her and wants to protect her in return. I love that loyalty dynamic, and their competence as fighters/witches.

Physical combat, strength in general, magical strength, ability to work magic together, knowledge of the magical canon vs. out-of-the-box techniques...what parts of their skills and their bond could be challenged in the weird dimension that the end of season 1 leaves them in? Or when they get back home and new challenges await? (In my head, the decision not to send them to War College is not revoked; the unit becomes some kind of special-forces secret strike team rather than cannon fodder.) Maybe something where Raelle goes/has gone into a fight as a berserker-type for Abigail and then comes back to her, or where Abigail protects/has protected her soldier (her girl!! I love her protectiveness of Raelle towards the other cadets, imagine it in a battle!)? Or an arranged marriage AU where it's usual for witch soldiers to marry to combine their magic power or something...If including smut in the story, I'd especially be up for something d/s-y where the loyalty-kinky dynamic of Raelle being Abigail's weapon, at her command, is echoed in sex!

OR. The alternate history that the show has created is so interesting and I'm craving expansion of that through fic! Tell me about the Bellweather ancestor who was a slave and ended up powerful and influential enough to begin a dynasty, and how she met and was recruited by Alder. Or other enslaved witches, witches in the American Revolution or the Civil War, or the founding of Fort Salem and standardization of American military magic with its various influences, or Chinese or Jewish or Mexican immigrant witches who maybe came from different magic traditions and might have had to make the choice of whether or not to reveal that they had magic (if the system knows you because of your descent in the country?), serving their country but also binding their daughters and granddaughters forever.

Fandom-Specific DNW: Abigail/Adil (at all; if he's mentioned, please make them just friends), focus on Raelle/Scylla (dwelling on Raelle still having feelings for Scylla or on her getting over Scylla for Abigail; you don't need to retcon their having been together), Scylla bashing.

—

Fandom: Where the Sky is Silver and the Earth is Brass

Character(s):

Chaye Roznatovsky

Demon

Genre(s):

Fantasy

Canon-Style Plot - Freeform

Worldbuilding

Anything expanding on this story would make me really happy. Chaye’s years with the partisans, the comrades-in-arms she had and loved then and who else’s memory she holds or makes into a weapon, her journey to America, going by the surname of “no one.” The demon’s mirror world, its loss of that world (what exactly happened on the other side?) and its need to be where Jews are, demon Judaism? Or the future of both of them now that they’ve found each other!

Fandom-Specific DNW/Opt-In: DNW Chaye/demon. The premise of the story being what it is, I'm explicitly okay with antisemitism being a prominent feature of the story if you write something that covers either or both characters' backstory, but would prefer post-war antisemitism not to be a focus.

[nachohypno]

Nate and Dave Ch. 6

I walked down the street with Dave.

The poor guy wanted to go home again, and I was happy to comply with that. This was definitely a weird thing to do.

Mostly because he was leashed, and he was a full wolf.

He looked like a brown and yellow German shepherd, but bigger than normally. I could pass him off as a big dog I was being paid to take for a walk, and wolf Dave seemed really educated and nice to be with.

…Because he was the same guy I was making out with like half an hour ago. I wondered if he retained his mind and his ability to think when in full wolf form. He couldn’t speak, that’s for sure, but he seemed to still have consciousness about his situation and his surroundings.

I assumed he wanted to go home because after a while of walking, he started doing those sad dog noises and licking my hand, so I decided to go back home and check what he needed, of course, after he transformed back into a human with the ability to speak.

“Hi, Mr. Henderson!” I greeted one of my neighbors as the man did the lawn on his front yard.

“Hello, Nathan! And… new dog…?” He asked, but I quickly shook my head.

“Not really, just doing a favor for a friend and taking him out for a walk. He can be quite temperamental if you don’t know how to handle him” I tried to give as an excuse, and luckily, Mr. Henderson seemed to buy it!

Dave helped too, growling at the man without showing off his teeth (That would probably rat us out of him being a wolf instead of a dog) before I pulled a bit from the leash to ‘calm him down’.

“Oh well, be careful. Big dogs can be dangerous, especially when they’re… so big, never seen one like that before” It was normal for him to be surprised, even I would be. I could sit on Dave’s back if I wanted and ask him to take me home, like some kind of mount.

Hmm… I wanted to try that out! But not now, it would be weird.

The leash was attached to his bowser collar, which gave him an even rougher appearance. But in reality, he was a really wholesome puppy boy.

“He seems to be a really expensive class of purebred German shepherd, or that’s what my friend said” I made up that quickly, trying to sound oblivious and shrug the subject off as Dave sneezed and looked around, playing dumb. “But don’t worry, I think he likes me!” I scratched Dave’s head and he gave me a friendly ‘Woof!’

“Huh… Glad to hear that. And he seems to be very cute when he’s not growling menacingly” The older man said, jokingly.

“Yeah, he’s a good boy. Anyway, gotta get going. Bye!” I waved to my neighbor with my free hand and he waved back.

Me and my werewolf kept walking until we arrived to my house. I opened the door and he entered first.

After closing the door, and confirming mom wasn’t here, I let go of the leash and Dave walked back to the center of the living room.

The wolf stood on his back legs, as his body started to morph again. I loved the werewolf form, but this was way more amazing to see.

His whole body started to grow, to match that of a normal human, and then his usual size. A big muscled jock.

His snout went back in as his head became human again, and his fur disappeared, with only very little body hair remaining on him.

He was in all his naked glory, cock full hard (I started to suspect that it had something to do with me near him, I can’t remember ever seeing him soft). We couldn’t play the ‘boy and his dog’ plan if the wolf was dressed like a normal human would be.

“Phew, what do you think, bro? Was I a good boy?” He asked, as soon as his transformation ended and he regained consciousness.

The black leather bowser collar around his neck, with the leash hanging from it. The hang was still in my hand, so I pulled him closer as he smirked at me, mischievously.

“You were great, puppy boy” I whispered to him, before giving him a nice, long kiss. He kissed me back, pulling my body closer to his.

Being honest? The whole dog thing was his idea.

He complained that –and I’ll repeat his own words- ‘I never go into full wolf form because there’s a chance I may get caught and scare someone off, triggering wild animal alarms at the town, bro!’

And that was a good reason. Last thing I wanted was a curfew because Dave decided to run on the middle of the street as a big wolf.

“Anything for you, my love” Dave whispered back after the kiss.

It’s been a week since we’ve met, and I felt somewhat comfortable around him already. I’ve never had romantic feelings for anyone, except the usual platonic love like y’know, Chris Evans. But this guy… It was something new I was willing to experience.

I’m not saying I love him… yet. But as I told him once (When he was zoned out and I think he couldn’t hear me) I do like him!

“Anything?” I asked him, tracing a finger around his abs.

He nodded blissfully, with eyes full of love. “Anything, whatever you tell me, bro!”

“Could you… put on some underwear then?” His expression changed, falling into realization. He looked down and noticed his cock on full display.

He blushed a bit, before resuming his smile. “Yeah, no problem bro” I was actually going to tell him to dress up again, since it was a bit cold outside. But the view of his built body was really enjoyable.

Dave and I walked together to my room, where his clothes were laying on my bed. He quickly put on some boxers, then looked back at me. “Anything else I can do for you, babe?”

‘A lot of things I dare not mention’ I thought. But I just shook my head “Would you like to play some videogames or just… cuddle together and watch some Streamflix?”

“Videogames! I’ll beat your ass this time on COD, bro!” He beamed up, before roughly sitting on my bed. The thing did a loud creak, probably because of Dave’s weight as he sat. If the big guy didn’t control himself, I was going to end up sleeping on the floor.

“Videogames it is” I mumbled, walking over to the PS4 and grabbed the two controllers on top of it. In the meantime, Dave turned on the TV with the remote near my bed and waited for me, clearly excited. I sat next to him and gave him his controller.

Honestly? I suck at gunplay games. I prefer, I don’t know, fantasy styled games? Like, I enjoy hunting a big monster or sword fighting my way around a medieval setting. Gunplay just… didn’t do it for me.

I bought this game because of Dave, I wanted to try something he would enjoy too, and he clearly loved it. I also noticed that he would play dumb and let me win a few times, to ensure I was having fun. But that’s on rare occasions, because he’s fucking competitive when it comes to this, and starts bragging pretty quickly.

Of course, he calms down as soon as he starts with it. Probably because he didn’t want to piss me off? Probably, yeah.

However, I also had some tricks up my sleeve.

I looked over at him. Game face on and fully focused on the screen. He started preparing a private match. A few bots here and there, his favorite map, then chose his designated weapon.

“I’ll go easy on you, bro. Don’t worry” He said, patting my shoulder.

The first match went down fast. I tried to run and kill his bots as he hunted me down. It was just like that, a cat and mouse game between us. I did enjoy it, reminded me of another horror game I usually played at night.

He gave me a few shots when I went around a corner and we bumped into each other. “Hey bro!” Dave said mockingly, as he filled my avatar’s body with lead.

I tapped X as fast as I could to respawn, as Dave continued wandering around the map and killing the bots of my team. This was going to be a hard game.

“Hey Dave?” I asked, as I respawned.

“Yuh?” He mumbled, still focused on the game. I must say, his game face makes him even more handsome.

“Forget about what I’m about to say; but confuse the left stick with the right stick” I said. This was my tactic. I had full control over his mind and body, right? Then, fuck, I wanted to win at least once.

He stopped moving his fingers for a few seconds, but I didn’t have time to check if his eyes were unfocused or not, I had a match to win!

Then, I noticed he tried to play again. “What the…” He mumbled, as I pressed the left stick to run and looked for him. In the meantime, he struggled to move his character.

The confused jock frantically moved the right stick and his character looked around a lot, and gave little steps with the left stick, like he tried to move the camera with it.

I finally found him and didn’t hesitate. R2 and a few seconds later, Dave’s character was lying on the floor like a ragdoll.

“Fuck!” The werewolf said, as I threw a punch to the air. “What the hell is happening to me?” He whispered, looking to his hands. He tried to move his respawned character, but moved the right stick instead. Then he tried to move the camera, but his left thumb moved the wrong stick too.

Dave looked at me “Anythin’ I should know, bro?” He asked, with a suspecting voice.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about” I answered, as I continued to look out for him with a nice smile on my face. The game just got twenty times funnier.

He tried to look out for me in game, to no avail. Until a bulb seemed to light up on his brain and he turned the controller upside down. ‘Fuck, he got me’ I thought.

Dave was back in the game, but I could notice he was uncomfortable playing like that.

I found him running into a wall and killed his character again.

“Aww, bro…” He mumbled, getting frustrated.

“Alright, alright. You can stop getting confused now.” But Dave left his controller on the night table. Did I piss him off? Oh geez, I didn’t want that!

But it was the opposite. He grabbed me and pulled me in with him to lay down on the bed. I loved this, we’ve been spending a lot of time together lately and this was my favorite part.

I think I’ve said this before, but Dave was an amazing kisser. He was gentle, and the taste of his mouth was amazing (Which was kind of surprising since he was a full wolf not so long ago, I expected him to have dog breath) and he was very skilled too.

“I don’t want to play if you’re not having fun” He whispered, before smooching me. “I prefer to see ya happy, my love”

I couldn’t help but smile. “Why, thanks puppy boy” I said, moving my hand through his torso, and into his underwear. “You’ve been a really good puppy boy today, haven’t you?”

I slowly caressed his cock. I was okay with this; we were on the blowjob level of things by now.

I mean, he only gave me one, but it was an advance, right? I still had to give a blowjob to him…

“Yeah, bruh. I’m a good puppy boy!” He sounded proud of himself. Probably because he was obeying me, not gonna complain though.

I wrapped my hand on his cock and started stroking slowly. Dave just stared at me with his deep blue eyes, smiling like an idiot. “You’re so… beautiful, Nate. The most beautiful person I’ve ever seen… fuck, that feels amazing to say”

I blushed, and stopped stroking for a bit. Dave placed his big hand on my cheek and leaned in to kiss me again. My nervousness fading away temporarily with each kiss, I felt safe. Like this was where I belonged.

In bed, with a hunk werewolf infatuated with me, and…

I shook my head “You’re trying to distract me so I forget to send you home, right?” I asked, raising my eyebrow.

He gave me the pleading puppy eyes. “Please bro, I don’t want to go, I just want to be with you and make you feel good and loved” He tried to convince me, and I was falling for it. I would be okay with having him stay the night, but… Dave seemed willing to drop all his other responsibilities in order to spend time with me.

“Dave… You know how it is, we can hang out from time to time if you want. But I’d prefer if you still live your life like you would normally, and that includes sleeping in your house too-“

“Let’s go together, bro. Mom and pops will love having you around, and my bed has enough space for the both of us. Please, babe…” He lightly kissed my lips. “…I love you”

‘Why do you have to be so cute?’ I thought.

“I’ll let you stay, but just a little while more, alright? And then you go back home, no more excuses, understood?”

He seemed defeated, but agreed with me. “Understood, bro. Whatever you want” He mumbled, hugging me. “I’ll enjoy every second we spend together, bruh”

I rolled my eyes, so cheesy.

…And yet, I still liked him so much.

----

As I said, I kept him around for a little longer, then sent him off to his house again.

According to Dave, his parents didn’t have a problem with letting him spend a few nights with me. But I preferred if he didn’t change his… human behavior that much.

I do like being around Dave, maybe not as much as how he likes to be around me, but still. But as I could see, Dave is willing to forget about his responsibilities just to be with me and make me happy, and that’s not something I’d like to do to him.

I have to remind him of returning to his house, studying, working out, hanging out with his friends, etc., because if it was for him, he would rather just hang out with me.

It was okay though; it wasn’t really a problem. Everything was still the same, and even better. Dave started doing his own essays! He’s… he tries, at least. But I appreciate the effort and help him in any way I can.

It’s only been a week since we’ve started hanging out, so not many changes I could do to his persona.

Next day, we had school again. School became a much more bearable place, I just focused on my studies and that was enough for me, with Dave appearing from time to time to spend some time together.

I sat down in my usual place at the science lab, put on my protective plastic glasses and looked over at Sam besides me.

It wasn’t usual for us to sit together, but it was a nice way to catch up from time to time.

“How’s our president?” I asked him when he nodded at me with a calm smile. We liked to joke about that, with him being the student council’s president.

He deserved that role, in my opinion, he worked so hard during his campaign even when he made some deals with the factions. Jocks included, but they were very clear with what they wanted.

And that was more funds for the sports division, with the cheerleaders backing them up. When you get the biggest fishes of the tank, it’s only a matter of time until the rest of the school would vote for Sam too.

“I officially hate prom night. I mean, it was fun last year, when I didn’t have to plan it from scratch!” He said, grabbing the protective glasses from the table and putting them on. He did it too quick and roughly, though. His teeth greeted a few moments as the pain seemed to fade. “I’ve received more than two hundred messages about ‘suggestions’ for it, and that was at 2 am, I had to turn off my phone now”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Can’t you just… say that the theme will be ‘Wintery forest’ or something like that and just hang a lot of paper snowflakes from the ceiling? Prom night is just dancing around a decorated basketball court Sam, not much you can do with that”

But he seemed personally attacked by my comment. He frowned and took a bag of chocolate cookies from his bag, left it on the middle of the table and started eating.

“I mean, yeah but” He pushed the bag near me, like trying to tell me to eat something. I shook my head, I wasn’t hungry. “I’d like to do something different, you know? It’s our last year here, and my last chance to be a good president!”

I nodded, understanding what he meant. “If I have a good idea, I’ll let you know, alright?”

“Do you even plan on going to prom? You haven’t even gone last year as a junior, this may be your last chance, Nate” Ouch, low blow.

I looked behind us, noticing a lot of noise on the back of the lab. Dave was struggling to put on some of the protective gloves, before he noticed me staring and gave me a warm smirk, along with a wink. Half of his protective glove was hanging from his hand, before he tried to correctly put it in place.

I chuckled a bit, and Sam noticed it. “Or…” He gave me little nudges while motioning his head to Dave’s direction. “You and the big guy there?”

“Uh? What are you talking about-” But he lifted his hand to stop me, passed me his phone with the frontal camera on. I was blushing. “Am I that obvious?”

“He just winked at you, and you still have two arms so I like to think you two are up to something together” He finished, before grabbing the bag of cookies again and putting it back on his bag. “Besides, I heard rumors that he broke up with-“

The professor had entered the room and chatting time was over. I could still hear a bit of laughter on the back, but decided to keep my eyes on the front.

Damn, I was going to blow our cover if I kept acting like a little girl. But there was probably no cover at all by this point. It’s impossible for the school to not have noticed one of the hottest guys around breaking up with his girlfriend, just a few days after he started to spend time around me.

“I won’t deny, nor accept anything” I wondered if Dave could hear us, I knew he had heightened smelling abilities, that’s how he found out I was his soulmate, but I wondered if heightened hearing was also a thing.

I’d ask him for a detailed list of his powers later, but I always forget to do that in the heat of the moment. “Now, let’s pay attention before we blow up” I finished, looking at the professor as he started explaining today’s assignment.

Sam whispered near me “We’ll talk about this lateeer♫”, in a mocking melody tone.

“Mr. Howard, take that cap off! This is a laboratory, not the baseball field!” I looked beside me and saw Dick taking off his backwards cap, while mumbling something under his breath. Probably a curse, my friend isn’t fond of people who order him around, less if they are dumb professors, according to him.

The jocks on the back laughed, but we ignored them like the professor did, resuming the lesson and preparing for playing with chemicals.

---

I felt social today, and remained with Sam for the rest of the day. Which means that I’m not alone during lunch today. He wanted to interrogate me and I honestly didn’t know what to do. I was bad at making up excuses.

We went to get our plates of food and sat in a rather empty table.

“Soooo… Are you going to tell me or not?” Sam asked, still trying to make me spill the beans about Dave, probably.

“What are you talking about?” I played dumb. I wasn’t good at making excuses, but I was pretty good at keeping secrets.

“You know about you and Dave…” But he froze in place before finishing that sentence. An unexpected guest sat beside me, so I was now surrounded by Sam and the big guy.

“I couldn’t help but hear my name, what are you two talkin’ about?” Dave said, in a pretty friendly voice. “Man, I love school’s chicken. This school is so awesome with the lunch menu. What’s up, Sammy? Cat got your tongue?”

I rolled my eyes, Sam hated being called ‘Sammy’, but I assumed they did it on purpose to bother him. Not like he can do anything about it but… I think I can. Not now, though. That would sell me out.

“W-We… We were just talking about…” Sam gulped, looking at me for help. Two weeks spent with Dave, and I almost forgot he has an awful reputation.

We’ve tried to change it, but I can only do so much with him at a time. So, I decided to focus on small things first, like his studies, then the social things afterwards.

“The upcoming… football game, yeah. That’s it, go Rottweilers!” I finished, wanting to sink my face in my plate of smashed potatoes. That was an awful excuse.

“Fuck yeah, go Rottweilers!” Dave yelled while quickly standing up on his seat, placing one of his foots on the table, and some sudden loud barks followed him. I moved my plate, because THIS is why I prefer eating alone at the school yard.

Besides being crowded, the cafeteria always had weird things like this happening from time to time. Maybe someone gets their head smashed in their plate, or a food war starts. The yard is way more chill than this place.

Dave sat down again after that, and I left my plate back in its place. I was going to ask him if that was necessary, but decided to shut my mouth as soon as the rest of the football players sat around us.

I was safe, I knew that but… It was still unsettling. Sam and I knew the football players were shady, as I mentioned once. I knew Dave was strong, he’s a werewolf after all. But could he take them all at once, or would they be able to overpower him if they actually tried to?

I couldn’t tell if Dave noticed I was nervous, I just stared down at my plate and tried to listen to the chatter around me. Sam did the same thing, leaving the jocks speaking about the upcoming game.

“Didn’t know you liked football, bruh” Dave told me, probably trying to make me participate in the conversation. I just nodded, trying to think of a valid answer to him, probably something boring to make the jocks want to leave the table ASAP.

“I-I’m not a fan of it but… our team is so good that I can’t miss any of their games” Smart Nate, just feed their ego to make them happy!

“Really? Never saw you on the bleachers during our games” One of the guys pointed out. I noticed that Lucas and Butch weren’t participating at all in the chat. They just ate and looked at us, almost in complete silence.

“I blend in easily with the crowd, you know, being small and stuff like that” It was weird. Why am I trying to prove anything to these guys? ‘I just want you to leave, take the hint!’ I thought.

Dave finally spoke “I did see him, and yeah, the lil’ dude gets lost amongst the crowd” He patted my back quite harshly, making me cough, but I was glad he backed up my lie.

Sam gave me a puzzled look and I whispered ‘Just relax and try not to piss them off’

This time, Dave did notice it, and looked down at me with a worried look on his face. He might have realized that he fucked up.

Luckily, the rest of the lunch went on normally. The jocks made a few… ‘jokes’ here and there, but I laughed off with them. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like them, but I wouldn’t like Dave to go on a rant beating them all up because he wants to protect me.

Of course, they brought up my ‘faggot-ness’, but I just went on with it, countering it with a not-suggesting joke.

They seemed friendly so far, better not ruin that. But I wondered if they were here willingly, or Dave was the one who summoned them here. Not saying he threatened them but… maybe he called a football team emergency, like Butch did once.

Sam and I couldn’t wait until it was over, so we ate fast and tried to get out of there ASAP, excusing ourselves saying that we had to pick up a few books before the next class. Dave followed me with his sad puppy eyes as we left, before getting up and going after me.

“Bro!” Dave said after leaving the cafeteria, and I stopped on the middle of the corridor. It wasn’t crowded, but there were a few students around on their way to the yard, to make the most of the little free time they had.

Sam raised an eyebrow, but decided to leave us alone. I could tell he had enough of the jocks for the day, and I was worried they may be mad for leaving them having lunch alone, after they ‘rewarded us with their presence’ or something like that. I didn’t like those guys.

I looked at Dave, as he stopped in front of me and smiled. But then, he looked around and noticed a few persons in the corridor. “Uh…” He mumbled.

“C’mon” I grabbed his hand and walked to the nearby boys’ bathroom. “There,” I said after closed the door behind us. “Private moment, what happened back there? At the cafeteria, I mean”

Dave’s eyes darted around the room, as little drops of sweat appeared on his forehead. “I-I… I wanted to try and… y’know, present you with my bros?” He gulped “I know you don’t like them, but… they are my friends, and I thought everything would be much easier if they saw how awesome you are”

I was a bit confused, but not mad. I didn’t end up hurt, nor did Sam, and that was enough for me. If the jocks actually tried to sit down with us and talk, then I was willing to give them a chance.

“I sorta still don’t get why we have to keep our thing in secret, bruh. You don’t have to be afraid of anyone trying to hurt us, because I’m David fucking Walker. I own this place, I’m an alpha!”

He sounded so excited while he said that, and motivated. It was nice to see that side of him; a side I would have never imagined Dave the big bully jock could have.

“I know, you’re really great and everyone… respects you,” I started, carefully thinking my words to avoid hurting his feeling, as he looked down at me, still with a big smile. “But it’s just for some time, as we take this slowly. It would be really weird for the others if you came someday to school and randomly yell ‘I’m gay!’. Give me some time, yeah? We can sort this out together, but let’s do it slowly”

His smile slowly faded from his face. I think I hurt his feelings anyway, and it was probably an inevitable thing to do. I kind of ran out of the cafeteria with Sam as soon as we finished eating, ruining his plan of having his bros get to know me.

“I understand if you’re mad with me, bro. But I think they actually liked you! You were so smart back there, mentioning football as an excuse…” He came closer to me, and kissed me lightly on the lips, placing his big hands on my cheeks, and looked at me with really sad eyes. “But I get if you’re mad and don’t want to see me for a while, I deserve it from putting you in danger with my bros”

“Just… stop, alright?” And he did. He closed his mouth and just looked at me, waiting for me to speak. “You didn’t do anything wrong, it was a nice idea. Just try to tell me about it before doing something like that again, and I may gather some nerve to tackle it properly, alright Davey?”

He nodded slowly, giving a sigh of relief. “Y-Yeah, I will, bro. Thanks for not being mad, I would hate myself if I made you mad” I was a bit scared of someone walking in the bathroom, but at the same time I think… I didn’t care at all.

It was going to be a slow thing, yeah. But, sooner or later, it was going to be discovered. So…

Dave was looking down to his shoes, like some misbehaved kid, when I stepped forward and pulled him in for a kiss.

I was hoping for someone to enter the bathroom. Some random guy, who would apologize and leave in fear after watching the big jock angry for interrupting our kiss.

But that never happened. Damn it.

Dave recovered his sweet smile as I looked up at him. “What was that for?”

“To reassure you that you didn’t do anything wrong” I whispered to him. “We probably shouldn’t play with our luck though, but we have a few more minutes before our next class”

The werewolf jock gave me one last smooch, before saying “I love you so much, bro…”

I couldn’t help but blush, I really liked my good puppy boy.

We left the bathroom together, and headed out for the yard. As I said, we still had a few minutes before classes started, and I wanted to make the most of them with my big guy.

-----

Chapter 7 is already available in my Patreon!  And by pledging you also get access to other stories before they go public!

[djemsostylist]

An Arthurian Film Adventure, Part 3: Lancelot

Today, we are tackling Lancelot.  Arguably the most famous knight of the Round Table (besides Gawain), the story of Lancelot and King Arthur and Queen Guinevere is a timeless one.  Forbidden love, broken friendships, civil war, downfall of a kingdom.  Plus, he’s great with a lance.  Throw in a child who achieves the Grail Quest, and you’ve got yourself a pretty great story, and a pretty easy character too, right?  

Nope, wrong again.  Firstly, because he doesn’t even exist in one of them, and secondly because he fucking sucks in the other ones. 

I should point out, before I begin, that there are several versions of Lancelot which exist.  Depending on whether you go with de Troyes, Malory, Vulgate, or Post Vulgate, you get some different characters.  Universally he is kind and brave and selfless, devoted to Arthur but also damned by a love for Guinevere.  He also can be prideful, angry, a touch selfish, and ultimately fails at achieving the Grail Quest.  Anyway, onto the ratings!

1. Knights of the Round Table

This Lancelot is, by far, the best Lancelot.  Here, Lancelot follows the post Vulgate version (he is just a wandering knight who wants to join the Round Table, rather than having grown up with the Lady of the Lake).  He is sort of the ultimate knight--kind, brave, selfless, great with a lance or sword.  He and Arthur get along immediately, forming a fast friendship built on mutual respect, understanding, and trust.  Lancelot is brave and selfless and kind, but he is also an individual with his own wants, needs and desires.  He can be prideful and arrogant, but he is fiercely loyal.  

Here, Lancelot is close friends not only with Arthur and Guinevere, but also Gawain, Gareth and Percival, the latter of whom he takes under his wing.  He and Arthur quarrel and reconcile, he goes knight erranting (is this a verb?) and lives in the castle Joyous Guard.  He also marries Elaine, whom he loves in his own way, and fathers Galahad.  Here, his love for Guinevere is acknowledged and central, though never consummated, but it is his connection with Arthur and the other knights of the Round Table which sustain his story.  

The downfall here is tragic, both because though he and Guinevere love each other, they have not actually committed treason, and because his estrangement from Arthur leads to an actual splintering of the Round Table.  Also, he has a horse named Beric that he loves a lot, his relationship with Elaine is honestly really sweet and sad, and he also wears beautiful surcoats and has a huge red feather on his helm. 

Attractiveness: Honestly number 1 easily.  He has some slightly weird facial hair, and he’s not big enough, but he’s hot.  (Fun fact, Robert Taylor also played Ivanhoe in the single best Ivanhoe of all time, so).  

2. Camelot

So, this Lancelot is pretty good.  My main problem here is that this Lancelot is more Galahad than Lancelot, in that he is super pure almost the point of ridiculousness.  Like, he is so pure his purity actually brings a man back from the dead, which could be the whole “healing of Sir Urry thing” but is mostly just strange.  Here, we get a post-Vulgate Lancelot backstory (he is supposed to be French is this version but he is played by the most Italian Italian I have ever seen and it’s great).  He and Arthur meet and are super close almost right away (“did we just become best friends?!”) but surprisingly and refreshingly, Guinevere is actually deeply annoyed by him when they first meet.  (She has been going a-maying and Arthur shows up and she just wants to fuck him but he just wants her to meet his new best friend, and she is like, wow ur friend is deeply lame, come have sex with me instead pls.)  She eventually falls in love with him when he cures a dead man from death, and then what follows is a tragic love story of friends who are sort of stuck in this terrible situation and just trying to make the best of it.  

The downfall here is that Lancelot has literally no other friends at court, so while his betrayal is tragic for him and Arthur and Guinevere (like in the 1953 version, he and Guinevere never actually commit treason), it doesn’t really affect any other friendships or relationships.  He also doesn’t ever get married or have a baby here, and his purity can be grating, though the earnestness offsets it well enough.

Attractiveness: Number 2 tbh, but mostly because he is so damn earnest it’s endearing.  Also he wears beautiful armor.  

3. King Arthur

So, this Lancelot is from Sarmatia, which is both weird and never really explained.  Also, he is neither Arthur’s best knight or actually even a knight at all.  He doesn’t have a relationship with Guinevere other than throwing what I assume are supposed to be longing looks in her direction (tbf Arthur didn’t have a relationship with Guinevere in this movie either beyond aborted heavy petting).  He also doesn’t bring about the downfall of Arthur’s kingdom, mostly because Arthur doesn’t have a kingdom.  He also doesn’t have a son who goes on the quest for the Holy Grail, but that is mostly because this Arthur isn’t Christian and neither are his knights.  Also, he fights with two swords and there are no lances in sight, which is a weird thing for Lancelot, since riding around and knocking people off horses is like, literally his favorite thing in the world.  

Attractiveness: Number 3, mostly because I know they tried to make him hot here with the mop of curly hair and etc, but he will also be Mr. Fantastic to me, and Mr. Fantastic was honestly the worst.  

4. First Knight

The thing is, Richard Gere should be last, except that Excalibur Lancelot was literally the dumbest person alive ever, so I guess that means since Richard Gere wasn’t literally just living in the forest stabbing himself with his own sword, he sucks less.  (Look, I said this was a rough journey.)  This Lancelot is just terrible honestly.  Firstly, he’s not a knight, he’s just some dude who rides around hitting people with his sword.  He meets Arthur when he helps rescue Guinevere who is on her way to marry her dad’s old friend bc he is old and sad and lonely.  His introduction to Arthur comes during a tournament.  And by tournament, I mean an extremely 90s, wacky, American Gladiator style wooden obstacle course thing that involves swinging knife things, swinging wood things, and just...it’s bad.  

He doesn’t want to be a knight, mostly because he thinks Arthur’s knights are boring squares (he is not wrong, but I hate him so-).  He agrees only after he saves Guinevere from Melegraunce, which involves more wacky obstacle courses and swinging bridges.  Also, he and Guinevere here give Arthur the horns, and also both suck.  He doesn’t learn anything, he is genuinely terrible, and also he is played by Richard Gere.  

Attractiveness: I’m gonna say last, mostly because his whole 90sness just irritated me and also because he was very moist through this whole movie and also I hated him a lot.

5. Excalibur

Look, this Lancelot was like, literally actually stupid.  He showed up, tried to beat up Arthur and failed, then went to live in the woods.  No like, he literally lived in the woods.  He would tell Arthur he was leaving Camelot to go adventuring or whatever, ride six feet out into the forest, strip naked, and sleep in the roots of a tree.  Also, he for some reason not only slept completely naked, but he also didn’t keep his sword in his scabbard so one night he rolled over and stabbed himself clear through the side.  Also, he and Guinevere had sex is his tree thing, and I saw way too much of his side ass.  I was honestly rooting for Gawain to kill him, and I didn’t even like this Gawain bc he was genuinely awful. 

Attractiveness: I mean, better than Richard Gere.  But, and I know I have said this before, I cannot express how ugly this movie was.  

6. Legend of the Sword

This one was easy to rank, because he did not exist.  This was an origin story, and Lancelot isn’t really a part of Arthur’s origin story so I guess we can give them a pass, except that I love Lancelot so this was a tragedy to me.  On the positive side, his lack of existence means that he can’t be worse than Richard Gere, so I guess I should rank this nonexistent Lancelot in like, 3rd place.

Part 2: The Arthurs

[raendown]

What a way to celebrate Tobirama’s birthday. xD 

Pairing: None Word count: 4022 Chapter: 3/4 Rated: T+ Summary: Months after the village is built Izuna is near his breaking point. Peace is nice, don’t get him wrong, but he could do without the pale shadow that follows behind him everywhere he goes. All he wants is to understand. What the hell is Tobirama’s obsession with watching him?

Follow the link or read it under the cut!

KO-FI and commission info in the header!

Chapter 3

As a child Izuna can remember his mother teaching him a method of meditating on his own breathing pattern in an attempt to rein in his temper. It had worked to some extent then. At the moment he finds himself having much more limited success. It wouldn’t be so bad if his unwanted mission partner would only travel beside him but no matter what speed they move at somehow Tobirama always ends up just a step or two behind and it’s driving him absolutely wild.

“Have you tried some sort of rewards system?”

“Different ones, yes.”

Even worse still is that they have managed to keep up a semblance of amicable conversation for nearly the entire journey as if there is nothing more between them but the fact that their brothers are friends. Tobirama’s voice carries no hint of aggression, no undue curiosity, and there are certainly no hints of any romantic endeavors. At some point they find themselves on the topic of a child in the Uchiha clan who doesn’t pay even half the attention he should to his lessons and Izuna is vaguely surprised that his companion’s interest seems to be more for the boy than for him.

“Behavioral based or progression based?”

“What’s the difference?”

“If the child feels he is unable to obtain whatever goals have been set for him then he may not feel motivated even by the promise of a reward.”

Listening to him speak in such a bland tone leaves Izuna confused. He isn’t sure whether the man is trying to pretend his weird stalking isn’t happening or if he is merely striving for a bit of normalcy while they are forced to travel together but either way the efforts are pointless. It‘s impossible to pretend that everything is normal while Tobirama refuses to actually walk beside him.

“Huh, I never thought of it like that,” he murmurs, willing to keep the conversation up if only so he isn’t traveling in silence with an old enemy standing just behind his unprotected back. “We’ve tried to do it like that and we’ve tried to bribe him with sweets for even just showing up every day – I swear every tooth in his head is a sweet one. Nothing works.”

While his companion hums thoughtfully Izuna tries to remember if there are any other methods they have used to try and convince little Kagami to take his training more seriously. The little tyke has so much potential. Such a shame that he insists on wasting it all. If he had some other interest or passion that he were trying to pursue instead Izuna might understand, not all of their clan members are fighters after all, but at times it feels as though Kagami seems determined to simply never grow up.

A pause in the steps behind him catches his attention and Izuna turns to see that Tobirama has gone stiff, his head turned away, eyes narrowed where they stare in to the middle distance off east. Instinctively Izuna turns to look that way as well only to realize that Tobirama probably isn’t actually looking with his eyes.

“Three inbound at high speeds. Feels like Kaminari no Kuni shinobi.”

“Gods, how powerful is your sensing?” Izuna grumbles, loosening his sword in its sheath.

“More than I ever allowed the Uchiha to discover.” Tobirama’s gaze flicks over towards him and there is something dark hidden there before he looks away. “An oversight, perhaps, that I have not seen fit to share my true abilities with our new allies.”

“Right. Let’s take care of this and then we’re having a nice long conversation on exactly what you’re capable of.”

Before there is time for any sort of reply their new company arrives, flitting in to the treetops above them and pausing to assess the situation. Izuna takes a good grip on the handle of his favorite sword, tightening his fingers one by one, counting breaths just as his mother taught him.

In, out, one. Three opponents, one male and two female.

In, out, two. A sword glimmers in the hand of one female, something heavy and club like in the hands of the male, close combat fighters.

In, out, three. Large chakra stores burn almost tangibly in the air around the third, clearly a distance fighter, he will need to keep an eye out for whatever jutsu she has up her sleeve.

He never gets to four breaths. From behind him Tobirama explodes in to motion, charging the woman nearly bursting at the seams with her own chakra. A low hiss cuts the air just before the man leaps in to defend his companion. Izuna rolls his shoulders and acknowledges that he has been left to face the woman bearing a sword to match his own, the perfect opponent. Out of all the spars he has enjoyed with many and varied people since moving to Konoha very few of them have been able to match his skill with a blade enough to offer a proper challenge. In a strange way he almost misses his battles with the man he is currently fighting alongside if only because he worries that without Tobirama to face he might lose his edge.

Sparks leap between their weapons and Izuna realizes that he has moved out of habit without even consciously deciding to, sword leaping to hand and meeting the one aiming for his neck. For a single heartbeat they struggle, brute strength against brute strength, then the woman twists and dodges back once she realizes that his bulk outweighs her own. Rather than allow her the time to think up another angle of attack Izuna hefts his sword and watches her respond with a snarl of frustration. Good. That means she is off balance and an opponent who has no time to think is an opponent he can easily beat.

Only sharp reflexes stop his blade from cutting through the wrong flesh, pulling up a mere instant before he would have pierced Tobirama through the side as his mission partner suddenly appears between them to deflect his opponent’s blade. Then he is skipping away again with a snarl of his own. Izuna floods his eyes with chakra just to take in the expression of something almost like desperation on the man’s face. His reputation being what it is, revealing his greatest battle advantage has the added benefit of causing his opponent to hesitate. Not many people who know what it can do are stupid enough to attack an active Sharingan straight on and Izuna is oddly glad to see that his opponent is not stupid. Easy kills are no fun.

As Tobirama is pressed back by his own two assailants Izuna rushes in to keep this one busy. He can’t afford to let her find her bearings; he learned the hard way when he was younger to never underestimate how many tricks your opponent might have up their sleeve. She might seem like her skills barely match his own but he has no way of knowing what tricks or seals or the like she might pull out at a moment’s notice.

Neither does he have a chance to find out, as it happens. Each time their clash looks as though it might be about to get interesting Tobirama appears between them. At first Izuna accepts that he simply needs to dodge quite a lot while trying to face a long range and a short range fighter at the same time; keeping up with two different styles means keeping on your toes. It isn’t until his Sharingan focuses in on the pair chasing his partner around the field that he realizes both of them are downright ragged looking. One bleeds from several places and the other looks just on the verge of an asthmatic attack so out of breath are they. In contrast Tobirama looks tense yet still in good condition.

So if it’s Tobirama that is leading them around by the nose rather than the one getting chased why on earth does he keep dashing in between Izuna and his own kill? There’s a whole forest here to move around in.

Annoying as it is, the trained shinobi in his soul can’t help but admire how quickly Tobirama moves from place to place, how seamlessly he manages to insert himself just in time to deflect whatever attack Izuna is about to meet and then dance away again as though he’d never been there. Whatever else he is there can be no denying that he’s a skilled fighter. The problem is trying to figure out what the hell he is up to.

It simply doesn’t make sense, Izuna thinks as he takes his opportunity to bull in close and drive the woman back with a rapid flurry of attacks. Weeks and months of stalking that Izuna has been interpreting as some lingering form of aggression. Now suddenly the man is jumping in front of him in battle. Has he been making observations leading him to the conclusion that Izuna’s skills have diminished somehow? That certainly makes more sense than the ridiculous rumors of forbidden love, although it’s also wildly more insulting. Yet even that theory includes enough gaping holes that he can’t quite believe it either.

By the time Izuna finds an opening to drive his blade through his opponent’s neck and watch her gurgle out her last curses on the forest floor he is equal parts curious and livid. Tobirama dispatches of his own two assailants only a moment later as though he has merely been playing with them as some morbid excuse to remain occupied. He waits just long enough to clean his sword and slide it back in to the scabbard across his back, then Izuna is marching across the torn clearing to take the collar of his old rival’s armor and drag them face to face, oddly unsurprised that he is allowed to do so with no resistance.

“What the fuck is your problem?” he growls. “I’m not so softened by this stupid dream of our brothers’ that I’ve forgotten how to defend myself! I had that covered!”

“Your skill was never in question,” Tobirama murmurs. He looks entirely calm, unruffled, and that only irritates Izuna further.

“It sure as hell feels questioned with you babying me like some genin out on their first run! If you think I need to polish a few things then say it to my face, damn it, quit treating me with kid gloves! I didn’t need it back home and I don’t need it here!”

Composed as he ever is, Tobirama fails to react in any satisfying sort of way. He fails to so much as blink while Izuna screams in his face but there is one thing to be gained from overreacting. From this close – perhaps the first time they have ever been so close outside of battle – it is plain to see the well of something dark and deep in those red eyes so like the Sharingan, something that brings ice crawling up Izuna’s spine though he can’t yet define what it is. It’s enough to snap his jaw shut and make him step away to watch quietly as Tobirama turns, murmuring again that they should press on to their destination.

An uncomfortable mixture of anger and confusion with shades of worry twists itself into knots inside Izuna’s belly, keeping his mouth shut for the rest of their mission, speaking only when it is absolutely necessary. On the journey home he can feel the back of his neck itching with Tobirama’s eyes almost every step of the way but he holds his tongue for fear of what else he might see in that unwavering gaze.

When they make it back to the village the first thing they do is make their report to Hashirama, of course. Madara joins them and together they remain sequestered for over an hour discussing the results of their goodwill efforts. Despite his attempts to appear nonchalant Izuna is fairly sure the clan they were visiting with had noticed some tensions between himself and Tobirama but in a strange way it had actually worked out in their favor as their hosts seemed to be impressed with how well they function together anyway. Talking about that without making a big deal of why exactly there had been some friction in their unity is difficult. Izuna is more than glad when finally they have said all there is to say for now and he is able to drag his brother off towards home.

Madara puts up a good act of wanting to stay and finish his work. He fools no one. Not even his workaholic tendencies are enough to keep him from spending a bit of quality time with his favorite sibling – although Izuna does notice the man tucking a few scrolls in to his sleeve before they depart. It gets him out the door, however, so no comments are made until finally they are making their way through the gate leading in to the Uchiha district.

“I can’t figure out his angle,” he blurts, too eager for another’s opinion to bother with context.

“Who, Hashirama?”

“No! Don’t be an idiot, that tree is as transparent as glass with his intentions. I mean his gods damned brother!”

Humming contemplatively, Madara pulls a bit of hair forward to fiddle with. “Wouldn’t having him forced to travel with you sort of negate the stalking? I know you didn’t want him along but I thought it would be nice for you to at least drag him out of the shadows.”

Rather tempted to pull at his own hair, Izuna takes several breaths and counts them before he is able to form a reply through the flash of temper.

Thankfully his brother has the good grace not to interrupt as he recounts everything that’s happened while he was away. His description of the way Tobirama seemed to constantly find his way between Izuna and his opponent during their battle brings a crease to Madara's brow that only deepens as the story goes on. Slowly making their way up one of the side streets, a shortcut towards their home, he tosses the chunk of hair he is playing with back over his shoulder only to grab another and start again.

“Strange,” he rumbles. “Very strange. I honestly have no idea what the hell this is all about.”

“I know that it’s ridiculous but I just need to hear someone else say this out loud: please tell me it’s not plausible that he’s actually fallen in love with me somehow.”

“Plausible, technically yes. Probable, a very strong no.”

“Oh thank the gods.” Izuna slumps with relief to finally have another confirm his thoughts.

After rolling his eyes Madara slips right back in to thoughtfulness. “There’s something about this that just doesn’t quite sit with me the right way. I know it would make the most sense to say that he still doesn’t trust you, that he’s been following you to keep a close watch or whatever, but for some reason I just can’t make myself believe that. There’s no other evidence of that in any other behavior.”

“Yes, thanks, I didn’t quite notice that for myself.”

“If that’s how you’re going to behave then I don’t see why you started talking about it! Go jabber at someone else if you’re just going to be all snooty about whatever I have to say!” With a sniff Madara turns up his nose and quickens his steps.

While Izuna isn’t entirely sure how he ends up being left alone outside he isn’t all that surprised either. The two of them share like tempers after all. Madara is as given to hissy fits as he himself can freely admit to being. He follows behind at a slower pace and lets himself in to the home they share, nodding at the shoes kicked off haphazardly at just the right spot where they might trip him up if he weren’t already expecting to see them there.

Madara is angrily plugging in their fancy new electric kettle when he enters the kitchen and slumps down in to the closest chair, blowing out his fringe with exasperation.

“Done being a baby?” he asks bluntly. Madara crinkles his nose.

“Fuck you.”

“You’re still thinking about it. I can practically see the gears turning in your head.”

His brother pauses in the act of pulling down two cups with the continuing thoughts he doesn’t bother to deny spilling out over his face. “Obviously I am. I keep trying to think of some other reason he might be doing this but nothing comes to mind. If it’s not that he doesn’t trust you and it’s not that he has some sort of romantic whatever–”

“Kami please no,” Izuna interrupts with a shudder.

“–then he clearly has some other special interest in you but I am honestly stumped. If it were almost anyone else I might go so far as jealousy except the two of you have always been so closely matched that I can’t see either being jealous of the other.” Madara jolts himself in to movement again, reaching for the tea leaves, but continues speaking even as he measures them out. “I would have considered that he was trying to learn something specific about you too but for the fact that he hasn’t been shy about asking for any other information he’s wanted on our clan.”

“Which is a lot of information, actually.”

“Hm. I guess. No more than we’ve asked from the others, though, and nothing that he’s asked for has been any more suspicious or invasive than the things we’ve asked about the Senju in turn.”

Izuna rattles his nails against the hardwood table. “Do you think that could be it? Maybe there’s something he wants to find out but it’s inappropriate or he knows we won’t want to share whatever information he’s after.”

He waits with as much patience as he can muster while the other tosses that idea around but even as he speaks the words Izuna himself realizes that probably isn’t it either. Tobirama might be a sneaky bastard on the battlefield and more than capable of subterfuge when it’s necessary during a mission but in daily life he has shown himself to prefer as direct a route as possible to whatever goal he has in his sights. Finally Madara pushes both teacups towards the kettle and leaves it to boil as he comes over to sit at the table.

“No,” his brother says. “That just doesn’t sound right either. And the worst part is that I can’t say why it doesn’t sound right. It feels like there’s something nagging at the back of my brain, something important that I’ve forgotten. Like a missing piece of the puzzle.”

“Would your friend know anything do you think?”

Madara blinks. “Hashirama? He might. It would be worth asking if he’s got any idea what crawled up his brother’s ass.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be going over to their house for dinner tomorrow night?” Izuna rattles his fingers again but this time it is less with frustration and more to express the satisfaction of the stars aligning just for him. He is further pleased to see his sibling lean back with widening eyes.

“I am going to dinner, yes. He asked me over because both Tobirama and Mito are supposed to be busy and he wanted company. We’ll be all alone.”

“You couldn’t wish for a better opportunity to ask a few questions,” Izuna purrs with satisfaction.

When the kettle begins to whistle they turn the conversation towards other things. Spending time together after being apart – even if for so short a time – is only one of the ways they maintain such a tight bond between them. Even here in another home the shadows of the siblings they have lost echo around every corner, chased away only by the warmth of knowing that Madara will always stand beside him against whatever the world might choose to throw at them.

After a while, however, he finds other thoughts wriggling in, thoughts that Izuna knows he is above and yet he can’t seem to push them away without addressing them. Tracing the rim of his nearly empty cup gives him something else to look at as he fills the lull that has fallen naturally in their conversation.

“Can I ask you something?” He waits for the curious grunt before going on. “Why don’t you seem more worried about this whole Tobirama situation?”

“What do you mean?”

“If there was someone following you around all the time I think I’d be a lot more freaked out about it than you seem to be. Not that I’m angry or making any accusations! It’s just…odd. You’re usually so overprotective it’s hard for me to even flirt with anyone.”

“Hn.” Madara bunches his brows together as though mildly offended by the insinuation that he might not care. “I guess I just don’t feel any ill intentions from him. Something in my gut tells me that he hasn’t got anything bad up his sleeve. The way he interacts with you – hell, the way he interacts with all the rest of our clan – I just can’t bring myself to believe that he’s after anything terrible. I guess I was just unconsciously acknowledging that I don’t believe you’re in any sort of danger.”

Somehow that only increases the dread pooling in Izuna’s gut.

“If he doesn’t have any bad intentions then the kami only know what else he could have in that twisted brain of his. Ancestors watch over me.”

While his brother snorts and gently teases him for being so dramatic Izuna lets the words drift by him without actually listening. The entire reason he’s been wanting to go out on a mission is to get away from this situation with his old rival and just clear his mind a bit. Now that he’s been denied that opportunity and come home only more confused in the aftermath he realizes more than ever that he needs a night to just relax, to let everything else fade away until his mind is empty of all worries. And what better way to achieve that then a night on the town with someone he can trust to be entirely disinterested in whatever drama he’s gotten himself embroiled in this time?

“You gonna be okay on your own tonight?” he cuts in through whatever the other is saying. “I think I’ll go see if I can drag Hikaku down to one of the taverns for a few hours.”

“Don’t you have work to catch up on tomorrow?” Madara asks.

“I’m not going to get drunk or anything, don’t worry, I’m not that stupid. Just thought it would be nice to unwind for a while.”

Even as he nods understandingly Madara puts one hand to his chest and exclaims in dramatic fashion, “Because you’re just so stressed with all the work you do, of course. Helping to run a village, keeping both eyes on a walking tree, achieving your lifelong dreams. Oh no wait, that’s me.”

“Fuck off,” Izuna calls cheerfully over his shoulder as he makes his way out of the room, deliberately leaving the teacup behind for the other to clean up after him. Pettiness is just another family trait.

With any luck Hikaku will be as willing to indulge him as his aniki is. Izuna reaches back to pull the tie from his hair and run his fingers through it. Perhaps a bath is in order first to wash the dirt of the road away, he probably still smells like the rivers they’ve been trudging through. Unpacking can wait for tomorrow. If his cousin doesn’t want to come out then he fully intends to bully his way in to the other man’s home and find something there to help him get his mind off of things. Tobirama can remain a problem for another day just once more.

Tomorrow his brother will speak with Hashirama and ask their questions. Tomorrow, he hopes, they will have answers.

[sick-raven]

Ghosts of the Present - Chapter 6

Chapter 1 + warnings

AO3

Previous chapter

Chapter 6

Nygma’s plan was amazing, simply superb! He created a set of traps not even the biggest geniuses could solve! Sharp spikes, electric fences, guns, that all wrapped neatly behind puzzles and riddles. Not even the greatest detective will get to him!

Great victory for the Riddler! He could celebrate now, but he decided to keep it for later. He will dance to mock the Batman! He will show all of them his superiority! Jump on his grave! Livestream it to all homes, to the whole world! He could almost taste the victory. The Riddler, man who took down the Bat!

“Nygma!”

Edward turned around, shocked.

“W-What?”

Dark shadow was approaching him, held him at gunpoint.

How!? Impossible! Nobody was supposed to get here!

He yelped as Banshee held the gun to his neck and pinned him to the wall. There was blood all over her face, not hers. She was muddy, bleeding, shirt on left arm torn, clean cut under the tear. She had maniacal look in her eyes.

“B-Banshee, you shouldn’t be here,” he stuttered.

“I had a baaaad day, Nygma, you better talk,” she hissed. “Where is the League?”

“I-I don’t know, I wasn’t told!”

She painfully pushed the gun more to him. He chocked.

“I really…”

“You are the genius; you better start using your brain!”

“Agh! Killer Croc knows sewers u-under Narrows! They wouldn’t ask for his help anywhere else!”

“That’s still miles to search.”

“I can’t give you more, Banshee, I don’t know, I swear!” he wheezed.

She clenched her teeth angry and took away the gun. Edward stumbled, holding his neck. The fear left him as fast as Banshee let him go, instead anger caught him. She ridiculed him in front of his mental audience!

“You bitch, you will pay for this!”

“Shut your trap, Nygma, your puzzles are stupid.”

***

They caught up with her at toyshop. Bad for them – her arsenal was there, hidden properly in the backroom. Miranda got out with just a few bruises. She was considering her options.

How to get out of the city fast and unseen?

Where should she go so the League won’t find her?

Now they knew she was alive, will she ever be safe?

Two guns, some bullets. A dagger, a sword. And five sound mines. She was horribly underprepared for anything. Running is the best option.

Hunted forever.

“No,” she whispered. “No, it’s not worth it.”

Khulan will never stop the hunt. Master was the most headstrong person in existence. Failure wasn’t an option and Miranda being alive was evidence of Khulan’s mistake. She will want to erase Miranda under any circumstances.

Master must die.

So must Jonathan.

Now in the sewers she started to doubt her decision. Whatever she was going to do, results were the same. Miranda will die here. If she doesn’t drown in shit, she will get killed by the League, or eaten by the Croc, or her body will just give up after long torture.

She carried on anyways. Stank of sewers was horrible. Narrows were the worst part of the city, so she imagined even the sewers will hold this prime. A ghetto, full of drug dealers, addicts, poor people, everyone in one big pile of misfortune and dirt, couldn’t have nice sewage. And at the top of that all, like the king of the hill – Arkham Asylum.

Whatever curse left Arkham, it rooted in Narrows, making it worse every day. Miranda kept away from Narrows unless work called her here. Not that she was a coward; she just considered it stupid to walk into shark’s mouth willy-nilly.

Or Croc’s mouth.

After what felt like forever she reached an enclave with something looking like a nest, and smelling like rotting butcher’s shop. Pieces of furniture, newspapers, feathers, that all almost neatly built into bedding. Miranda coughed, the source of the smell was pile of rotting bodies in the corner. Ha, not a butcher’s shop, but the butcher.

“Croc!” she shouted. “Where are you?”

Is that your plan?

Do you have better one, reason? I’m listening.

…

I thought so.

She walked at the end of the tunnel. No signs of giant crocodile. He might be anywhere in this maze. So might be the League. Fucking hell, Europe would be beautiful this time of year. She would visit vineyards in France and then Germany. She’s heard that Bavaria is great. Sun, meadows, booze, no stink or dark places. She’d drink whole day, she would sing and get to know new people. This time she would find someone who isn’t paranoid. Someone normal. If anyone normal would have her.

Disruption of the water caught her attention.

Second later a monster leaped from the depths, maw ready to gnaw Miranda alive.

Miranda jumped out of the way. Croc hit the wall and stayed visible out of water. Yellow fish eyes staring right at her. He growled. Miranda had to convince every nerve in her body to not start shooting.

“Waylon Jones,” she said and kept her distance as Croc drew nearer to her. “I’m sorry to disturb you. I am looking for the League.”

“What’s in it for you, fresh meat?” he grumbled.

Woah, a compliment! What a gentleman! Maybe she could date cannibal crocodiles!

Focus!

“I’m looking for Scarecrow.”

“Of course you are.”

Miranda contemplated her surroundings. Croc has been trying to corner her slowly. So far she always slipped to side tunnel, but this dance cannot go on forever. Act, Miranda!

“I want to kill him. Do you wanna tell me where he is?”

Croc had no interest at all. Drool dropped from his mouth.

“And the League too. Imagine the amounts of meat when I am done with them!”

“Mmm,” agreed Croc eyeing her.

Yeah, no…

“Tell me where they are, or I will blow your fucking brain out!”

“I won’t.”

He jumped her again grunting loudly. Miranda stumbled on wet bricks, took out the gun and shot at that bloody, monstrous face. Croc screamed and fell into the water.

“The bigger they are…”

He disappeared.

“Fuck!”

Miranda looked around dark muddy water. Where is he? Did he swim away? Is he waiting?

Carefully and slowly she moved. What now? What were here options other than being a lunch?

Lunch?

Gun still ready she made her way back to the nest. There was one clue she needed to investigate. The rotting bodies kept there were in different stages of decay. Bright vests of sewer workers were drenched in blood and moved as worms ate the meat. Next corpse was police officer – wait, no. The uniform of the freshest corpse has visible A on it. Miranda looked closer. Arkham guard.

Arkham? Could the League operate under the asylum? Jonathan once told her the building had very deep foundation, reaching into a cave system hidden under the city. Rumours were that the founders of the asylum went little crazy themselves and used the underground for a lot of weird things.

Splash! Water behind her rose in wave and Croc grabbed her by shoulders. Miranda ducked and slipped away, Crocs claws cut her. She yelped, ignored the bleeding and shot at him again. Croc laughed as if the bullets were just annoying flies.

“You are trespassing, meat!”

Miranda gasped for breath and ran. One lady ninja is faster than one giant crocodile, right?

Waves following her spoke different.

“Fuck!”

Ladder! She jumped on it and started climbing.

Giant hand caught her leg.

“No!” Miranda slipped, stopped her fall by hanging by the elbow. Screaming. Croc was pulling hard, claws deep in her meat. He will tear her leg off!

In last effort, she activated the mine and threw it. Croc screamed in shock. In the tunnel the sound echoed of the walls. He let go off her leg. Miranda climbed out, the noise followed and then it end abruptly as Croc destroyed the bell.

Street! Fresh air! Miranda stumbled out, on the verge of fainting. Run! Hide! She got to the closest dark alley, blood oozing from her leg. Fuck! Way to alert whole League, Miranda! Banshee, but this time, you will be the one dying! Stupid bitch! Couldn’t you make your weapons any louder?

She tore off her sleeve and patched the leg. That stopped the worst bleeding. Miranda sat by the wall fighting the pain. Her body burnt, her leg pulsated… And you want to face the League like this? You are insane!

She couldn’t stay at one place for long. Moaning, she got up, limping through the street. Her wound made her an easy target, but sword on her back stopped anyone from bothering her.

Somehow, she made it to the asylum. No assassin was waiting at the gates of the area. There were three buildings connected to each other, all in typical Gotham style. Dark, broody, only thing missing was rain, evil lightning, and Adams family.

No wonder Jonathan liked to work here. It was perfect environment. Fear inducing. Patients had to hate it.

Fuck Jonathan, he can die!

Miranda climbed the fence, not sure where she wants to go. The property was silent, eerie in cold air. What now? Will you just walk and demand they let you underground? Elevator ride to hell!

Calm down. Take it one step at the time.

Step one – find a guard.

Step two – make them take you down.

Step three – don’t die.

Miranda limped to the entrance. No way she can hide herself effectively like this. For a while maybe. Not properly.

Behind the glass in the office sat a guard. She was well built dark lady and she looked at Miranda intensely. The closer Miranda got, the worse feeling she had. Right at the glass she understood why.

The look was empty. Pupils dilated. The guard was drugged.

“Hi,” tried Miranda.

Nothing.

“I am from the League, understand?” she continued.

“Yes,” agreed the woman.

“Take me to… my leader.”

Guard smiled and opened the caged door with a buzz. Miranda amazed by the situation followed. “Wait,” she realized. “Do you have something for pain?”

Ten minutes later they were in the elevator and Miranda could finally stand at least bit straight. She couldn’t believe her luck, but she didn’t celebrate just yet. Drugged guard was evidence of the League being here. Down, down, down we go to the belly of the beast!

The light of the elevator buttons showed the last floor – basement, but the elevator kept going. Miranda swallowed, throat stiff. The lower they went, the more terrified she got.

The door opened.

Any fight Miranda had, left her. She sighed and leaned her back on the elevator wall.

“Welcome, Miss Bradbury,” said the Demon’s head. “I’ve been expecting you.”

***

“Sit down.”

In silence she did what the Demon’s head ordered. Ra’s sat across her. They walked here through foundations of the asylum. Long pillars and cat walks brought them to this cave that was already turned to sort of living quarters. League members were breaking a wall at the far end in perfect rhythm as if they all attended a music seminar.

They didn’t even bother taking her weapons That’s what she was for them. Useless. Safe. This broken tool won’t hurt anyone. Definitely not the Demon’s head.

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” he started.

“Hardly.”

“Master Khulan agreed your hunt with me, you can say I know you better than yourself.”

Miranda rubbed her eyes. “And?”

“I wanted to see the legend herself. You survived the survival’s curse and avoided us for a decade. I must say, I am disappointed with your approach.”

“I didn’t come here to impress.”

“Why did you come?”

“To kill Khulan.”

Rhythmical beating of hammers and pickaxes echoed through the cave. Ra’s looked their way from time to time in anticipation. This closely he looked like friendly uncle. Miranda smirked under that idea. Friendly uncle ready to destroy your soul.

“Curious, isn’t it, what is one person ready to sacrifice for their goals,” Ra’s said eyes pinned on the wall. “You came here ready to die just so you reach peace.”

“And you?”

“That’s it, isn’t it? Why did I come here?”

“To destroy the city.”

Ra’s smiled. “If only life was this simple.” He turned back to her and she realized he is… old. The wrinkles around his eyes got deep, the whites were ugly yellow colour, his lips pale and cheeks lost his shape. Ra’s al Ghul was dying.

“I will let you fight Khulan. Under her own rules.”

Next chapter

[itsjamieithink]

so i finished pokemon sword today! 😌⚔👑

(discussion/thoughts below)

so the game was very fun~ i very much love the pokemon series and i finally got to play it after everyone’s moved on lmao

first things off the story isn’t great but that’s fine. i want to nut on rose’s soft tummy but like... c’mon elon musk delusion lmao. they really should’ve built it ip bc it felt like i saw him like 5 times during the whole game lmao. love oleana as well, she’s generally just very pretty and has the best expressions in game

i do want to kick in hop’s teeth tho. i don’t hate him but hau > hop by a goddamn mile, hop like a lot of rivals is just sooooo annoying. like i’m sure you’ll defs become the champion even though i’ve beaten you every single time we fight and never had a pokemon faint on my side... bitch

also i was neutral on leon and though he was semi-hot but then he came in with the fucking charizard with rock and grass type moves and maybe i hate him now... fucking bullshit i swear to god lmao. still mad that he one shot my dynamaxed drednaw

gym leaders are all stellar and have such great personality (even if most of them don’t feature very heavily in the story... sad).

milo is my husband... nessa is normani and just 100% That Bitch, kabu is kind of a foxy grandpa, bea is weirdly snatched but cool (and also gave me a lot of trouble ugh), opal is a trickster fairy and i love that (also the whole bede pink thing was hilarious, bede is a lil bitch tho), gordie is thicc and kinda not stylish and he’d be a top husband if he didn’t have ugly hair, piers is cool and total tumblr bait and raihan is sooo fucking tall what the fuck. i like his lil chompers and outfit, otherwise he was a pain in the dick and i’m glad i beat his ass

visuals wise the game looks amazing although some areas suck. that winter water-y place looks gross and a lot of environments are just waaaay too small. also there aren’t many stores around the place which is sad, it’s defs a rushed thing. i mean you have a restaurant and they don’t even sell pokemon food? ok then

the fashion in this game is good. i’m just happy to see more and more customisation options and the clothing style in-game is really good (sometimes when it matches my aesthetic lol). some things are waaaaay too expensive tho

the pokemon designs are also really awesome although there are some duds... rillaboom is extremely handsome and i love him and he’s my gentle and kind bara boyfriend (an anthro furry version tho lol) but the other evolutions for all the starters are not great lmao. the final versions are fine but fire bunny is boring and spy lizard is a lil weird (rillaboom gang rise up)

love toxtricity, i love toxel as well. i was gonna get one for my team but i wanted the high voltage version as a dude and i couldn’t get there without running out of patience. i just got snorlax instead and honestly he ended up carrying my team through a lot of things lol

also i wasn’t 100% sure on obstagoon as my aesthetic isn’t really punk rock-y but i like him! it was a big struggle with evolution bc i didn’t really love the first 2 stages but the final is cute. i was gonna replace him with toxtricity but you know how that went lol. he came in clutch tho, the friendship bar prevented him from fainting and then the counter would just instantly knock out the opponent... he’s a crazy bitch and i love him even if he wasn’t the most useful later on lmao

drednaw is also another pokemon i didn’t plan on getting but the type combination was super useful throughout the game... i woudn’t have be able to do a lot of things without her lol. thank u queen...

it’s funny though, i came into the game seeing all the bara versions of these guys as was so dedicated to getting dude versions but then i couldn’t find any dudes... weird. i still like the fact that the team is half female/male tho lol

and just a random joke but i can’t believe that half my team is naive... these bitches kinda dumb! they’re just relaxed and chill in general aside from  drednaw lol

mechanics wise i think dynamaxing is kinda dumb. the first time i did it i was like holy shit and then it became kinda op... not the most fun addition to the series but at least we don’t have to see it ever again lmao. i do think that the animations are great tho but i still hate the fact that only certain pokemon get a special dynamax form... the clownery

the wild area is really cool and i love that i could catch my boy snorlax but seeing the same pokemon over and over again in the grass and the time it takes to actually be able to catch high level pokemon kinda annoyed me. the size of it is great tho. the raid battles are cool as well but tehy’re often very easy. i didn’t play online at all so maybe that’s it but the difficulty is meh

i like pokemon camp a lot but it’s not great. it feels very unfinished and i didn’t want to put in the effort of mashing a for a minute to entertain my pokemon but i’m also one of those people who cares A Lot about my team so i spent a lot of time there as well lol

i want to get the dlc but tbh i don’t think it’ll be that interesting for me? when i finish a pokemon game that experience is dead for me so i don’t think i’ll get it unless it’s super cheap

it’s a pity that the short development time lead to a great but underwhleming game, there’s a lot of love that’s gone into the game and the new mechanics and ideas are fantastic but they’re just not deep enough... pokemon sun/moon remains superior i suppose

[rwdestuffs]

Done dirty: Blake.

So……… Her best disguise is putting on a bow?- That’s like Superman showing up to the daily planet in a pair of glasses, still in his full suit, and introducing himself as Superman while trying to claim that he’s not at all related to the Superman who regularly bench-presses planets!

Oh Blake Blake Blake Blake… What the fuck is up with your character?

You wanted to go to Beacon so that you could reform the White Fang, and there’s not really anything that indicates that this would be at all effective outside of taking it back by force?

It’s blatantly clear that the introduction of Ghira and Kali are retcons, along with the fact that her father created the WF, and the fact that she’s essentially the princess of Menagerie. The biggest reason for this is that there’s no evidence that “Belladonna” is a common name. So there would be nothing stopping an informed person  (Like someone whose family had supposedly been at war with the WF for years) to ask, “Like… the Blake Belladonna that’s the daughter of the chieftain of Menagerie who is also the creator of the White Fang?”

Another reason would be Blake’s lack of a tan. I stand outside for eight hours a week, and I get a tan. But Blake lives on this tropical, sunny island, and she’s about as pale as Ruby?- That makes no sense. Then again…

……… Most of the other denizens of the place also don’t have tans, so I guess the point is moot……… or it would be, if we didn’t see other people with darker skin tones.

So yeah. Blake not having a tan?- I don’t buy it. The island is sunny, and there’s a lot of open space. There’s no reason for the people there to not have a tan.

Then again, Sun’s last name is “Wukong” and they portray him to be a white guy, so I guess there’s no real reason for anyone to have any appropriate skin tones.

Blake’s story makes no sense. Like I alluded to in the intro, thanks to the retconning that happened, Blake’s disguise being at all effective is total nonsense. Say what you want about the Clark Kent disguise, but I doubt that you’d think that the geeky guy who had trouble opening a bottle and works for a news company would be the same person who just beat up Darkseid and his Parademons.

Not to mention that Blake’s parents come out of left field.

THIS is the only indication that Blake had at least one parent in the White Fang, but the way it’s worded doesn’t imply any parents. Kali and Ghira are neither foreshadowed, or mentioned. If you never saw Volume 4, you would be forgiven for believing that Blake was missing either one or both of her parents. Most of the fans believed it, due to there being no indication that Blake still had parents. Now, granted, this could be from a belief that she thought that she had driven them away, and she didn’t deserve to have them anymore, but there wasn’t any mention of it.

Blake is hardly her own character. She has one of the more generic backstories of the main cast, and the characters she interact with are far more interesting than her. Say what you want about Sun, but at least we know what his interests are. Blake’s love for books isn’t mentioned as often as it could, and is only really given a spotlight in the spinoff show. Blake being a bookworm is an interesting idea. We could have mentions of her wanting to have rather stayed back at Beacon instead of being out in Vale because she wanted to read some books instead of “Checking out the competition,” but no. We don’t get that.

(As a side note: How exactly did Weiss know about Sun stowing away?- There were no mentions of other team leaders arriving, so Weiss’ desire to go to the docks makes no sense. (My idea from the Done dirty: Sun edition is right there, if anyone wants to make a fix-fic for that)).

Blake then decides that it’s safer to hang around the stowaway thief that followed her around instead of……… anywhere else. You know what?- Tukson could have been a character that Blake knew. Like… an honorary uncle or something, and she could have run to him. Not only would have it made Tukson a character that we would actually care about when he gets axed in volume 2, but it also could have built Blake’s relationships better.  And she’d be in a bookstore.

Enough with the tangent, let’s start at her trailer where, much like Yang and Junior’s bar, she receives little consequences for her actions on the train. Admittedly, she feels regret for her actions (which is more than I can say for Yang), but really?- That’s not exactly a whole lot.

Her introduction to Volume 1 is also jarring and weird. She knows all this unkind evidence about the Schnee Dust Company, and Weiss thinks… nothing is suspicious about that? The rest of her time in the volume involves picking the person who is basically her antithesis as a partner, and doing the aforementioned things I listed above.

Volume 2 is where we get her obsession arc, and… it’s actually pretty good. We see her wanting to fix a problem, and we see her passion behind it. And we see the results of her finally getting some rest and having a nice time. But Volume 2 also has the Mount Glenn scene, where sh is questioned on how she plans on helping the Faunus.- She has no answer. And this is realistic. Sometimes, people with a passion for a major cause have no real idea as to what they need to do. But in the case of Blake, this makes little sense. She’s had years to think of how to do this, and this is all she has to show for it?

Not to mention her tirade of only wanting to use non-violence is stupid. People like to think that Martin Luther King Jr was all peace, and that everyone agreed with him because he was peaceful. But that’s not true. MLK was imprisoned because of his beliefs, and it took a lot of time and effort for his teachings to make some headway. Contrary to (an unfortunate) popular belief, the Civil War was indeed over slavery, and equal rights. And contrasting the name, the Civil War was anything but civil.

So when the writers go around, spouting that “only nonviolence is okay” then they clearly haven’t read a history book.

Not to mention that Blake (much like the rest of her team, and Oobleck), feel no remorse for all the White Fang members they trapped and killed when they were fighting on the train. “Violence isn’t okay, unless the opponent is a minority.”- That’s the sort of message that the writers are conveying. Unintentionally or not, they seem to be saying that minorities need to suck it up, and take the abuse if they want equal rights, but if any of them are being unruly, then it’s okay to attack them. I didn’t see any member of that team trying to disarm and entrap them. They seemed to be fighting with intent of “kill or be killed” and they chose “kill.” Quite a lot actually. I don’t know how many of those WF members were on that train, but I’m willing to bet that it was a lot.

Volume 3 is just there to show that life isn’t a fairy tale, and Blake gets stabbed. But her reacting apprehensive to Yang is interesting. It shows that her mentor went down a similar path, and she wants reassurance that Yang isn’t going down the same path. It’s understandable, but the way that Blake so easily trusts Yang is… off-setting to say the least.

Volume 4 and 5 is where Blake is so out of character, I’m surprised that she didn’t change her name.

And speaking of name changes, you know how I mentioned how Blake is the daughter of the White Fang founder?- Well, as it turns out, she NEVER CHANGED HER NAME!- This is what I meant when I said that it felt like a retcon that her parents were WF founders, and that she was basically the princess of Menagerie.

Not to mention that Blake slaps Sun around. I get that he was putting her on edge, and his company was unwelcome, but she’s an abuse survivor. That sort of behavior should horrify her. She would be worried that she might be turning into another Adam.

But aside from that, there’s another problem: The narrative doesn’t seem to want to say that Sun was in the wrong here. Instead, it plays off the abuse for comedy, and we’re supposed to sympathize with Sun, fairly similar to how we’re supposed to sympathize with jaune for his Volume 2 behavior. At least Sun faces punishments though, but again, the narrative seems to want to say that Sun doesn’t deserve it, and some of the audience is saying that Blake is being irrational because he’s trying to help.

And then Blake basically only gets back into the fight when Sun gets hurt. The narrative was treating Sun like Blake’s prop. At least she didn’t get him killed…

But Volume 5 shows that it’s more the characters that Blake interacts with, rather than Blake herself that is interesting. Ilia?- Her backstory is way more interesting and sympathetic than Menagerie Princess’ backstory. Sun?- His motivations to help out Blake and get some payback is more interesting than Blake’s.

Blake literally describes her friends in one word.- Y’know, most people don’t do that. They would go on and on about their friends. The least the writers could have done was have Blake explain why she chose those words. But no. We don’t get that even.

She sets her house in fire, and gives a speech that seems really lacking in self-awareness. I get that the idea is that Adam’s actions would reflect poorly on the Faunus, but from a narrative standpoint, there’s no real worry. There’s no mention of how “If this guy acts up again, we’re going to bomb Menagerie.” Blake wouldn’t even have to know that. She could just be unwittingly saving her home from an attack that would perpetuate the cycle of violence. There should have been interviewers sent over to Menagerie to at least get Ghira’s word that they don’t condone Adam’s actions.- But I think that last part can be blamed on the CCT going down.

Blake forgives Ilia for nearly bringing her back to her abuser and being complicit in her parent’s murder, but the other guy (I forget his name) isn’t?- The guy lost his brother!

And then there’s Blake’s fighting style of how she went from dual-weilding her sword and sheath, to her holding her sword with two hands. Blake’s fighting style used to be interesting an unique. She was the only one outside of jaune and Pyrrha to use two different weapons. But unlike jaune and Pyrrha, Blake’s weapons were both for offense.

The writers’ lack of understanding racism is dragging Blake down into the realm of mediocrity. Soon she will join Renora in this regard.

She once said that “life isn’t like a fairy tale”

So,  why does she keep going on her spiel about nonviolence being the only answer?- It feels as if she knows that life isn’t a fairy tale, but she isn’t going to stop living in one.

Because it feels like she wants validation.

Or, alternatively, her abuse at the hands of Adam has made her detest violence so much, that she can’t stand it being used to get one’s way………

Which contradicts her beating up Roman to get her way of stopping the White Fang.

Blake’s consistency is like one of her shadow clones. Once you try to grasp it, it dissipates.

[dumbfinntales]

After playing NMH3 religiously I finally finished it. What a fun and satisfying journey! This game stands in a weird place because it disappointed me a bit, but I still enjoyed it tremendously. A mix of awe and disappointment that I haven’t felt before. Overall I think I really like NMH3.

I can’t call myself a hardcore NMH or Suda51 fan, but I am a pretty big fan of this particular franchise. I played the first two games a few years ago, replayed the first game once more and gave Travis Strikes Again a chance. Between everything I think NMH3 is a worthy entry to the franchise. It does take a few steps forward and a few backwards, but when it does go forward I feel like it takes leaps.

The combat for one is a HUGE improvement, the combat feels fluid, fun and you have so many abilities to toy around with. There’s more enemy variety than ever before and the game is surprisingly challenging. Sure the combat isn’t DMC level of ridiculous, but compare that to the first two games this is a leap. The boss fights are also masterfully crafted and there are some truly unique gems in the mix. Some elements of the combat can make the game a bit unbalanced, like the series staple slot machine. Sometimes the random powerups just absolutely wreck a boss before they can do anything. For example a certain late game boss I beat in under a minute because I got the robot suit powerup that erased like 90% of his health bar. Had to refight the boss again in the time machine to truly experience the fight. Also, the time machine is a cool addition. A way to refight every boss in the game over and over again!

Another huge improvement in my eyes is the removal of the boss stage. Some people hated this, but I actually preferred doing your usual side minigames and enemy fights in the open world. Then when everything was ready I could instantly challenge the boss. Sure they could have improved the stages instead of getting rid of them altogether, I won’t deny that. But this is just how I preferred it. I also very much enjoyed scouring the open world for all the weird activities and collectibles. I’d say it’s a bit better than in the previous games, also I didn’t have to grind for money at any point. I just did all activities that I saw and I always had enough cash for ranked fights.

Let me also just compliment this game on its style. No More Heroes has always had it’s own style and atmosphere, but this game really pumps it up. The game looks and feels rad as fuck and there are so many goddamn references to random media. Like Travis and Bishop are obsessed with this Japanese movie director named Miike (almost like my real name, haha) and after every boss fight they talk about his movies and gush over them. I googled some of them and they are actually real, like look up “Zebraman”, it sounds like a parody, but it’s a real Japanese movie. It’s really charming as fuck. I also adore Travis’ passion for wrestling, something truly to admire.

I also want to dedicate this whole section to Fu. I absolutely loved Fu as the villain and he gets SO much screen time. He truly feels like a threat, he’s badass and has a weird soft side to him. Like he keeps saying “Damon I love you”, but does he know what he’s saying? Or is he just manipulating? His interactions with the other aliens lead me to believe that he truly cares for them, but still does a lot of brutal stuff. He’s one of the most enjoyable villains I’ve had the pleasure to witness on screen, and I truly looked forward to his final fight. The other alien enemies are built up relatively well and their boss fights are equally as great. I think I liked pretty much every boss in this game! Except for one, but that was because it starts messing with the camera and I really don’t like that. Messing with the camera and stage hazards.

There are a lot of praise worthy things in the game, but then there are things that are just plain disappointing. For example some characters get absolutely shafted in terms of the story and they’re missing 80% of the game only to show up briefly later on. But my biggest grief is that you play through the game with just ONE beam katana. You don’t get new ones, just the same default one. In the previous games you could buy new ones and upgrade them providing slightly different gameplay options, and just a cooler looking sword. And the games ending is just a massive fucking sequel bait. Like okay, we might get No More Heroes 4, that’s rad as fuck. But I dunno, sequel bait endings are kinda boring to me. You go through this big journey and in the end something big happens and the game goes: “See you in the next game teehee ;) if we ever make it!”. I also have a couple other things that I was disappointed in, but that goes into spoiler category so I’m not gonna talk about them.

But overall I’d say that my journey with No More Heroes 3 was filled more with fun than disappointment. People are really torn on this game, some absolutely hate it, some love it. Like usual I’m a bit in the middle, but lean more towards loving the game. The good out do the bad in my eyes. Of course opinions can change when I replay the game in the future. So this game gets a FUCKHEADS out of ten.

[harryhookwriter-blog]

HIS TOY

Harry hook X Carlos.

HIS TOY

Summary: Reader was sent to Auradon with Mal, Jay and Evie, but not with her brother Carlos. She got sent back. And is greeted by a creepy Harry and horrible news.

WARNINGS: Bad language, metions of abuse and rape. Self harm. Weirdo Harlan Hook. Also, i wrote that Cruella had dementia an died of it. Please dont get offended by this and I'm almost certain it's not correct.

WORD COUNT: 2104

____________________________________

So, I'm just back from Boradon and I went straight to Uma, Harry and Gil. They're my family. They matter more than my mother. Old Hag. Anyways, let the story begin....

I went straight to the Chip Shop. I wanted to see them, I guess I just missed them so much I couldn't help it. I only lasted six months in Boredon. I, unlike the others, never changed my style or attitude. Those weak ass excuses of Villain Kids.

I arrived at the shop, with a grin on my face. I kicked open the saloon style doors and deadpanned "I'm baaack." "Y/N!!! YOUR BACK!!" Shouted Uma, eyes wide with delight. "We've missed you soooo much." Exclaimed Gil as he pulled me into a bone crushing hug. Uma followed his lead and hugged me like if she let go I'd melt. I gladly hugged the two back. "I guess you can take the girl out of the Isle but not the Isle out of the girl." "Damn right. I got my ass back here after trying to break the barrier down. I am so mainstream." I replied, over the moon to have the two back. "Hang on, where's Harry?" I asked, slightly concerned. "Playing with his toy." Smirked Uma. "Well, I'll see him later then." I thought aloud. "Everyone saw you turn Maleficant into a lizard. People are really intimidated by you now. Your one of the most feared people here." Uma explained, and she seemed really impressed. "As if I never intimidated people." I smirked, "Well, see you guys later, I've got my stuff to put back on the ship." I waved the two goodbye. I was happy to get my old life back.

*TIME SKIP TO ON THE SHIP*

I walked onto the ship to find Harry with his hands all over some poor boy. They were facing away from the door so I snuck along the wall into my room that I shared with Harry. I quietly packed my stuff away, scribbled a note that I left in my bed saying it was me and not some stranger who put their shit away if harry came in. The place hadn't changed. I went out the back way, away from Harry and whoever that poor dude was. You know, I really don't like Harry having boy toys. It's weird to force someone to get down, if you get me, but that's just my opinion. I strolled down the streets of the Isle, occasionally stealing a hat or scarf that I liked. It's the good life.

I got back to the shop, and Harry was there. "Lass! Your back!" Shouted Harry, happy I was back. He pulled me into a bone crunching hug. My ribs really hurt today. I hugged him back and said "How've you been? It's been a while." "Fine Lass just fine, and you?" "As good as I could be in Boredon." I laughed. It's been a while since I laughed. "Hey Uma? Have you guys replaced me?"

"Don't be ridiculous. We knew you'd be back. But when can you pick up training?"

"Whenever"

"Tomorrow?"

"Yeah sure, I can't believe I'm back". I replied with a smile. "But I think I'll go check in on my brother, we all know hes kind of fragile. See you guys in a few hours." And I waved them goodbye. Uma and Harry were smirking at eachother, but I ignored that and left.

*IN THE DE VIL HOUSE HOLD* *TIME SKIP*

I walked into my room in our house, it hasn't really changed. More dust and less valuables. I expected nothing less. I lay on my hammock and felt even better that I was back on the Isle. I haven't heard or seen my mother, but thats a good thing really.

I was almost drifting off to sleep when I heard a sob. I know that cry very well, for it was my brother's. I jumped up and ran towards the sound. He was always kind of soft, so I always looked after him.

I found Carlos in his room, bawling his eyes out in the corner with a knife in his hand.

"Carlos!" I exclaimed gently, not wanting to frighten him. I imidiatly hurried over to my brother to console him. I wrapped my arms around him, whispering "it's okay, I'm here." Over and over again until my little brothers tears turned dry. I made to take the knife out of his hand, but he stabbed himself in the arm. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck." I muttered aloud and rushed to my room to get the make shift first aid kit. "Just one second Carlos." I quickly told him and got to work on his arm. I blocked the blood flow, disinfectied the wound and then wrapped his arm. He was crying again. I was certain he was going to be fine now so I looked him in the eye with a sombre expression. I only then I noticed the cuts all over him. "Who did this to you?" I asked him, still being gentle.

"People at school started bullying me after you left. I gave up on trying to defend myself." I was shocked at his statement, but I was upseted most by the disapointment in his voice. Like it was the first time he admitted this to himself. "Can you give me names?" I asked even more gentle than before. "There's a lot of them, but Frank Facilier is the main bully." He still sounded disapointed, but I was livid at Frank. I've never got into any fights or anything with him, so at least Carlos wasn't suffering on my behalf. "Okay thank you. Now, please, tell me how you feel?" "Terrible to be honest. My head hurts, I'm tired, I'm emotionally exhausted and I'm starving." "I can deal with the fact your hungry at the minute, come on, I'll get food for us." I told him, smiling gently, an offering my hand to help him up. "Yeah, let's go."

I left that house with my brother, and we made to go to "Ursulas Fish n chips." I don't think he's been there before, so it seemed like a good idea. I had my arm around my brother's shoulders, as if to say "mess with him you mess with me." So no one even looked at us.

We arrived at the shop Carlos looked nervous. Probably about the whole pirates thing. I smiled at him and we walked in. The place went quiet and stared at us. "What? Haven't seen a De Vil before?" I barked and they all quickly started their conversations again. We strolled over to a booth and sat down. "So what are you getting?" I asked casually, trying to decide on which fish was fresher. "Y/N, I don't like it here." Carlos said nervously. "Don't worry, I'm in charge of these people, they won't lay a finger on you." I tried to relax him, but it didn't work. He just looked confused "Look Carlos, I never told you, but I'm a part of Umas crew, im her left hand and best friend. I never told you incase mother found out. Speaking of Mother, where and how is she?" I asked him, wanting to start a conversation. "Mother... She died. Of her dementia. A month after the parent day video chat. She passed, and her coffin is in the elephant graveyard, I think. I found out from Jafar. I ran away after seeing you guys on the screen. I moved back in before people could trash the house, sometimes EQ and Jafar visit, but only to tell me to do stuff for them. I'm glad your back, it's been.... Horrible. I'm glad you chose evil, if you know what I mean." Carlos spoke his mind, he looked like the world was lifted off his shoulders, but he still had the moon to carry. I was about to ask what else was on his mind when Uma came up to our booth and asked,

"So left hand mate, what will it be?"

"Can I have the salmon?" I asked, somewhat trying my luck.

"Your lucky we're friends, and you?" Uma threatened and then asked.

"Erm, what ever Y/Ns having?" Carlos almost asked himself. He seemed very nervous to be near Uma.

"Only because your related" she snarked, then smirked.

"Oh, I'm not bothered, Gil can make it. GIL!! MAKE TWO SALMONS FOR THE DE VILS!!" Uma shouted, and then said "Well, im off on my break, see you later Y/N." And with that she left.

"So, anything else interesting happen when I was gone?" I asked,trying to ease the tension.

"Nothing really, just what I've mentioned so far."

Carlos was clearly lieing, I can read him like a book.

So I asked him,

"Are you sure Carlos? You seem to want to tell me more. "

"No, I'm fine, I'm just kinda on edge. I don't really like it here."

He was nervous and figity, I didn't like it. Just then Harry served us our food, and Carlos became even more figity. My brother was hesitant to eat the food at first, probably incase it was poisoned I guessed, so I ate some of his and proved it was fine. We ate ravonously, I could tell Carlos hadn't eaten in a while. We finished our food, which was really good, even to Auradon stardards. ( Note to self: Hire Gil as personal chef) So I thanked Gil, and waved goodbye to my friends. After I said my goodbyes, my brother and I headed off for home, even if it wasn't very homely.

We arrived at our house and I said, "Well, I'll get you some water, and we can sleep." "Y/N WAIT!" Carlos shouted, clearly panicked. I drew my sword from my sheath and shouted "WHAT? WHO DO I HAVE TO KILL?" "No one, I just wanted to know if I could sleep in your room, I'd feel safer." Carlos replied sheepishly. I usually built up walls between people, bit Carlos breaks my heart. "Of course you can, do you want to sleep here or on the ship? The ship is safer." I answered/asked. "Maybe the ship" He said. "You should have some water, I'll get the spare hammocks, first aid kit and spare swords and we'll go." I told him with a smile. He sat down on a comfy chair, and I got him a drink. I collected my things and we were ready to go. "Hang on" I said. " You need a weapon." I ran back to my room and got a spare sword and scabbard. I gave them to Carlos and he asked "why do I need this? I don't know how to sword fight." "Intimidation, really and also, I'm training recruits tomorrow for Uma, wanna join the class? It'd be good to learn how to fight." "Yeah, that seems like a good idea." He said as he put on his scabbard. "I'm intimidated, now let's go."

We arrived at the ship and I ran into Harry going to the room, I noticed that Carlos went extremely rigid when he met pirates, but he was worse around Harry. "Har! Are you in our room tonight?" I shouted across the deck. "No Lass, I'm on the Nightshift." He replied, threw a wink at Carlos of all people and walked off to Ursulas. "Well, the room is ours tonight, but I wouldn't sleep in Harry's bed anyhow, too many people have slept in there, if you know what I mean." I told Carlos. I didn't expect him to reply with what he did. "I know I have." He muttered just loud enough for me to hear. "WHAT?" I shouted out of shock. "I'll talk about it later Y/N please?" "Fine, but I want answers." I replied.

We were walking to the living quarters below deck, we met Uma. "Uma, can Carlos sleep on the ship tonight?" I asked the captain. "Go ahead, Harry has plenty of overnight guests." Uma said with a wink, but we overlooked this. "Thanks Uma" Carlos and I walked off to mine and Harry's cabin.

A/N All done!!!! Part 2 will be out soon, but it'll be dark, btw. Forms of rape and abuse are mentioned, so be warned if you want to read more!

[d20-eggroll]

thranduil-aran-edhil said: this is the only post i’ve seen that talks about ondonti! do you have more things about them? and how your character interacts with that aspect of themselves? i’d love to hear it

Oof! @thranduil-aran-edhil​ I’m so sorry I missed this way back when I posted this. I want to say there should be more ondonti stuff out there but so little information was ever weaved in to official lore to begin with it is understandable that they’re basically unknown. 

It is sweet of you to ask about her and I am happy to answer because I love Gabe very much! That and I’ve been thinking of taking what's been done with her and writing it up as an actual subrace for 5e so getting thoughts down is good. Def. no expectation for you to read tho. I know I’m a bit verbose, whoops.

Since there really is so little on ondonti out there a lot of what has become canonical for Gabe is in many ways only inspired by the official stuff. The courting beads are one of the more fleshed out things me and the DM have written about them and have absolutely no basis in Forgotten Realms lore. We (referring to myself and the DM) do use what we can but don’t strictly adhere since even despite having so little written about them there still manages to be conflicting information!

Forgotten Realms lore as far as we understand it:

Eldath is the Goddess of the ondonti. She isn’t their creator but has a special interest in them. Or she IS their creator? Depends on what you read. Their culture as a whole is built heavily around her teachings. We’re talking pacifists who won’t even fight back to defend themselves. That or they’re not! Most stuff talks about how big a part Eldath plays and others say they care less for deities and more for ancestral guidance. 

They are immune to being charmed.

Originally there were 15 tribes, but now only one remains.

The Zhents nearly drove their culture to extinction through abductions to make them slaves. Originally because they were very strong but passive labor. Ondonti, when taught, could also be particularly deadly fighters and they were trying to raise their own force of indoctrinated ondonti mercenaries.

They’re fey that look like orcs but are only related to them. Or they’re just grey orcs descended from orphans raised by a cult? Which is insisted upon to be correct in some places, but then there’s all this fey stuff...

When they come of age ondonti journey to the feywilds and meet a spirit guardian who becomes a lifelong companion.

Ondonti with particularly close kinship to the feywilds tend to become shamans.

Their spiritual nature is heavily tied to the elements. Fire, Water, Earth, Air, Light, and Dark. These teachings come from belief in balance and a sword fighting style invented by an ondonti warrior.

They’re elementally inclined in general, though how isn’t really covered. Water is likely because of Eldath.

The one remaining tribe is protected by Eldath and clerics, or possibly through them. She has some sort of powerful water elemental looking out for them, and has hidden their last village. Or some sort of extraplanar servant. Or maybe both!

Their magic users trend toward druids and clerics. They have longer life spans than typical orcs, around 60 years or so.

They have a little bit of innate magic and it is all defensive spells, like being able to cast barkskin on themself once a day.

Ondonti keep to themselves. They’re out there farming and living village life.

Eventually some zhent ondonti escaped and returned to the way their parents lived with the last tribe, following Eldath’s teachings to an extent- they were no longer pacifists and would sooner fight and kill than let themselves be taken again. 

What we were using as our sources, with plenty of repeating and conflicting information: x - x - x - x - x - x

Homebrew that plays off that stuff that we’ve done:

Went with them being fey. It’s more interesting and makes more sense with the other lore available. 

Taking the fey nature of elves and how elves never would have been created by Corellon if it wasn’t for Gruumsh spilling their blood, ondonti have some elvish traits: longer ears, slighter builds, and a lifestyle more comparable to wood elves.

Fey in general are very pretty. Ondonti have more saturated green skin tones, blue or teal flesh, and brightly colored eyes.

Fey are typically unsettling as fuck and can be very dangerous. Ondonti have sharp teeth, finer but longer tusks, claws, superior dark vision, and are on the tall side even for orcs. All easily missed until one smiles, grips you just a bit too tight, straightens up, or seems to have their eyes on you when they shouldn’t be able to.

Ondonti heal exceptionally well. They still have that strong constitution.

They reach adulthood at 18 because we’re not doing that weird underage bullshit you’re always on WotC STOP THAT

Guardians are a blessing from Eldath, and not every ondonti meets one. Typically they are had by people likely to be shamans.

It is easy for them to learn magic and they tend to be especially talented druids and clerics. Those likely to become shamans have innate spell casting without class lvl consideration.

Ondonti populations set up where they are able to basically live in plus size ewok style villages. It could be possible to walk right under a village and not know it since they’re hidden in the canopy.

Pacifism is the the strong ideal but not the only way. They have warriors who train and work hard to protect the village.

Tribes have some particular marker that they all have- for Gabe’s it was the crescent earrings.

Gabe specific stuff:

It was slavers that took her away from where she was born. Her captured people were trafficked through Sigil. The slaver caravan had some destination on the prime where she grew up but never made it there- it was attacked. Still don’t know why.

When she first found out she was ondonti the only thing she knew about their relationship with Eldath was the pacifism. She’s a barbarian who was a professional fighter to put food on the table for a long time. She struggled with that shame pretty hard.

She uses the unsettling-ness to full potential. Her style of making threats starts almost invariably with a smile.

She does have a Guardian, Toad the owl, who functions like a familiar. 

She has innate magic. At this point she can cast like a lvl 1 wizard and is unlikely to progress past that.

Her bundling had a pair of those earrings. She tried using them to ask around about her origins for the longest time after beginning to travel.

Eldath somehow managed to hear her prayer and this snowballed in to her meeting her brother who’s been searching for a decade to find her.

Recently we actually resurrected Gabe’s birth mother, and she’s still recovering, but there’s probably going to be plenty to learn about what in the hell happened soon.

Physically Gabe is as bright as they come. Horrible orange-eyed chartreuse nightmare. She’s very tall at over 7ft and has always been a bit toothy. She’s got pretty strong features and looks very close to her mom, but if that’s an ondonti thing in general we haven’t seen enough to know.

That’s only gotten worse since she was infected with lycanthropy, which was only a result of her ondonti-ness re: being a giant fuck off green target. Most noticeable are the mobile ears, with the extra length from her race making them hard to hide. She no longer really tries to. When turned she maintains a teal flesh color and her eye color. She also retains her tusks, giving her one more pair than most wereboar have.

PHEW OK that was a lot of stuff. Still not completely over but I did a lot of trimming on those bullet points if you can believe it.

Then there’s Gabe, Finn, Istishia and Eldath.

One of Eldath’s allies is Istishia, the god-like water primordial. Istishia was forcefully ripped from his home planar system (which is the same one Gabe is from) to this one ages ago. He badly wants to return home since this sea just isn’t the same. She’s known the minotaur Finn, the one she’s courting, since long before she became an adventurer. Now he has Istishia as a very present patron after obtaining a weapon that grants him a crazy chunk of primordial power. He plans to go with Gabe and her family if possible. Extraplanar water protect-y boy getting plucked up by an Eldath-y type? Hmmmm.

Finn had given us motivation to go after that weapon, a trident, because his family has been systematically shamed and abused by the minotaur nation for hundreds of years when his ancestor Icarus was killed by a yellow dragon who took it. Except Icarus was never killed. He was the yellow dragon, now called Avyecriarthis, and remained the holder of the weapon for nearly a thousand years before the last Theseus shows up and proves himself worthy of being the next wielder. That wasn’t purposeful and he was surprised as the rest of us.

So across literal time and space, relying on generations directly before and long ago living lives literal worlds apart, in the end somehow these two dipsticks end up together and are related to Istishia, Eldath, the Planar System and Everything.

Avy gifted Gabe a particular greataxe despite not knowing how it worked, and the damn thing grants her “elemental rages” for water, fire, earth and air. There’s been a lot of elemental stuff sprinkled in and it has never been the focus but it has always been there. The whole Eldath/Istishia/The Elements/Planar System Travel/This Coming Apocalypse red string board is basically my Pepe Silvia for this campaign. I know all these elements are connected I just don’t know solidly HOW or WHY and it is KILLING ME SLOWLY. Or it could just be 42.