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avinaccia · 4 years ago

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A Completely Objective and Logical Ranking of Every Hetalia Character Song

New character songs are dropping, I have too much time on my hands, let’s go.

Also here’s a Youtube playlist for the ~✨nostalgia✨~

Bring it on in the tags

71. Ah Legendary Class⭐The Awesome Me Highway [Prussia]: Absolutely tearing it up on the drums and on the vocal cords alike (I pray for Atsushi Kousaka). Great for the memes.

70. Happy Thoughts Museum [???]: This is listed as an official song but I had literally never heard of the title. Then I listened to it and BAM! Smack back to 2013 watching the teasers for the show on Funimation. Not sure I’d count it as a character song though...

69. (Nice) My Song that is written by me for me [Prussia]: Deafened me but I can appreciate the industrial grind.

68. My House is...Quiet. ~With the Trolls~ [Norway]: I have never heard this song, nor can I find any version of it online. By default it goes here and I am so sorry Norge.

67. Make a Wish to Santa♪ [Sealand]: The discordant notes and childish exuberance only serve to make this sound like a demonic plea to Santa to eliminate the singer’s enemies.

66. Heaven and Hell on Earth [Rome]: Rome sounds like he’s been in the corner of a restroom. Extra points for the metal version, minus points for the fact that the beach scene was replayed like 1764 times.

65. Canada Complete Introduction [Canada]: Quiet af until Kumacheerio shows up and blows out your speakers. they did you dirty my darling 😔

64. It’s Easy!!! [America]: I don't think any video of this has ever stayed up for more than 20 seconds. Sounds cool, but like I was listening to 20 different genres at once, someone make him calm down.

63. Bù Zàiyì the Small Stuff ☆ [China]: I cannot for the life of me find the complete song anywhere, clips have a cool beat though

62. Let's Boil Hot Water♪ [Italy]: Exactly what it says on the tin..though a bit too close to elevator music for my tastes.

61. The Fragrance of Early Summer [Japan]: Very ‘from the books’ Japan-esque song

60. Peace Sounds Nice…[Baltic Trio]: All well and good until the radio demon shows up

59. W●D●C ~World Dancing~ [America]: How a song can sound like it’s from 4 different decades at once is beyond me

58. Overflowing Passion [BFT]: This is just drunken karaoke and I have 0 clue what’s going on #iconicforallthewrongreasons

57. Ren●Ren●Renaissance♪ [Rome+Chibitalia]: Wholesome Grandpa with Grandson content - barring the fact that Italy sounds on the verge of a nervous breakdown and Rome has had too much wine.

56. Roma Antiqua [Rome]: Similar energy to any one of China’s songs - there’s a part of the song where it sounds like he’s singing in the shower, and I will never not laugh at [CENSORED]

55. Country From Where the Sun Rises, Zipangu [Japan]: Very chill, very Japan, but just meh for me.

54. Moon Over Emei Shan [China]: Good message, okay song.

53. My Friend [England]: What a mind palace you must have Mr. Kirkland

52. With Love, from Iceland [Iceland]: Three words: Heavy. Metal. Puffin.

51. Having Friends is Nice...♫ [Russia]: Russia is the cutest thing ever

50. Mm. [Sweden]: Smooth transition from WWE Smackdown to shopping at IKEA.

49. Why don’t you come over? ~Beyond the Northern Lights~ [Iceland]: I don’t want to be mean but...this does sound like the second closing theme to an anime whose first closing was much more popular (à la Soul Eater)

48. Gakuen☆Festa [Germany, Italy, Japan]: Sounds like a 60s song of the summer but oh dear their voices do not go together. Hella cute though.

47. Wa! Wa!! World Ondo [Main Cast]: One time I travelled 10 hours in a coach bus with a bunch of teenagers to a city of note in my country, and the only souvenir I bought was the fucking PAINT IT WHITE DVD. Perfectly chaotic, UN ĐĕùX~~

46. In the Bluebell Woods [England]: In the album cover for this song he’s holding a guitar but this is not a rock song. Still has ‘running through the hills’ levels of dramatism though.

45. Poi Poi Poi♪ [Taiwan]: You’re telling me that Taiwan, someone whose has *ONE LINE* in Beautiful World (which is criminal tbh what kind of representation-) managed to get an eNTIRE CHARACTER SONG???????

44. White Flame [Russia]: There’s something to be said for a song that is 3x the length of any Hetalia episode

43. Ich liebe… [Germany]: Baking cakes for your friends has never been so wholesome.

42. We Wish you a Merry Christmas [America, China, England, France, Russia]: Nice to see they’ve gotten their shit together since United Nations Sta-hmm.

41. Ah, Worldwide à la mode [France]: Sounds like a Disney Princess song, hard not to picture France frolicking in a field of flowers.

40. Che Bello! ~My House is the Greatest!⭐~ [Italy]: Would not be out of place in an advertisement for Sea World.

39. May You Smile Today [Japan]: THE feel good song of the summer

38. Let’s Look Behind the Rainbow [Italy]: I will protect you.

37. I'm your HERO☆ [America]: “Anyone who’s sad or sullen will be arrested” did NOT age well.

36. Mein Gott! [Prussia]: Alternating headphone effect at the beginning is cool, so is the confidence...the actual singing on the other hand...

35. Nihao⭐China [China]: Listen, all of China’s character songs are great, I just can’t vibe with this one like some of the others.

34. Pechka ~Light My Heart~ [Russia]: I’m still having difficulty wrapping my head around the fact that this and Winter were released at the same time.

33. Pukapuka⭐Vacation [Germany, Italy, Japan]: Seems just a bit too much like they’re running on a treadmill that’s picking up speed and trying to sing at the same time. Peppy.

32. Santa Claus is Coming to Town [Germany, Italy, Japan]: This is unironically the best song sung by this trio; can only vibe with for two months out of the year though.

31. Excuse Me, I Am Sorry [Japan]: Japan’s character traits speedrun. Gives me barbershop quartet vibes for some reason but is catchy as hell.

30. The Story of Snow and Dreams [Russia]: A superhero anime opening in the making

29. England’s Evil Demon Summoning Song [England]: Sir that is not how you roast a marshmallow, don’t cut yourself on that edge.

28. Moi Moi Sauna♪ [Finland]: Exactly the type of song you’d expect and it’s wonderful

27. United Nations Star⭐ [America, China, England, France, Russia]: This isn’t as much of a song as it is a four minute struggle for everyone to sing without America yelling every 5 seconds...Like a particularly musical episode of Hetalia.

26. Paris is Indeed Splendid [France]: Paris-pa-pa-pa-paris

25. Absolutely Invincible British Gentleman [England]: Poppy, rocky, polka-dotty

24. Vorwärts Marsch! [Germany]: To quote the comment section: “This sounds like a German version of I’ll Make a Man out of you.” There’s some truth to that.

23. Hamburger Street [America]: The product of America’s rapper phase. 8/10 because he’s trying so hard and because I can unironically sing along to all of this.

22. Hoi Sam☆Nice Guy [Hong Kong]: A song that would absolutely destroy the ankles of anyone in DDR.

21. I Am German-Made [Germany]: There was once a version that had Germany and Prussia singing at the same time and it sounded positively demonic and Broadway could never

20. La pasión no se detiene ~Unstoppable Passion~ [Spain]: Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping...

19. Fall in Love, Mademoiselle [France]: Sounds like it should be in Mozart Opera Rock, I have kiss kiss falled in love.

18. Embrace the Très Bien Moi [France]: This is the definition of SELF LOVE PEOPLE.

17. Carrot and Stick [Belarus&Ukraine]: Absolutely DRIPPING in 2000s power ballad energy. The type of song that plays on repeat in the mind of the widow whose millionaire husband ‘mysteriously disappeared’ (and the only legit character song ever acknowledged by the anime)

16. C.B.C (Cowboyz Boot Camp) Vol. 1 [America]: AH MAH GAWWDDD

15. Winter [Russia]: Heavy metal fever dream and the perfect song for an angst-ridden teenager

14. Seychelles Here ⭐ Vacation Island [Seychelles]: UN👏DER👏RA👏TED SONG👏OF 👏THE 👏SUM👏MER👏

13. Nah, it will settle itself somehow [Romano]: One day I aspire to reach this level of chill

12. Let’s Enjoy Today [England]: I will never not feel happy when listening to this.

11. Einsamkeit [Germany]: Ludwig manages to air every single one of his worries about not being good enough compared to his friends and always being perceived as mean or uptight when he’s actually just a softie and now my heart hurts. 💔

10. Aiyaa Four Thousand Years [China]: A very poignant and beautiful song about the passage of time and the inevitability of its passing; comparable to an ancient ballad complete with explosive crescendos and meaningful lyrics.

9. Bon Bon Bon❤️C’est Bon C’est Bon! [France]: Peppy, cheerful, adorable, groundbreaking; has been my alarm tone for six years and I’ve yet to tire of it. 9/10 The moaning interspersed throughout has been an interesting wake-up call.

8. Let’s Enjoy! Let’s Get Excited! Cheers! [Denmark]: This is on par with Everytime we Touch by Cascada in terms of rage potential unlocked (the good kind)

7. Dream Journey [Japan]: Whoever’s playing the shakuhachi is absolutely KILLING IT. Dramatic, wonderful, great metaphors.

6. Gourmet’s Heart Beginner Level [China]: Absolute banger, I’m a vegetarian but this would inspire me to eat shumai.

5. Always with you...Nordic Five! [Nordic FIVVVVVEEEE]: Everyone harmonizes beautifully except for Denmark. Extremely catchy, number placement seemed appropriate.

4. Pub and GO! [England]: I love this trash man

3. Maji Kandou⭐Hong Kong Night [Hong Kong]: If you thought Denmark’s song was a banger JUST YOU WAIT. I WILL BLOW OUT MY SPEAKERS LISTENING TO LO-HA-SU.

2. Steady Rhythmus [Germany]: THIS SONG IS METAL AF. Seriously, if it can be classified as ‘hardcore’ by my father and his group of 50-somethings who have decided to single-handedly gatekeep the metal and hardrock genres, it can do anything.

1. The Delicious Tomato Song 🍅 [Romano]: Beautiful, absolutely awe-inspiring, poignant, catchy lyrics with an extremely deep meaning that only years of meticulous research and analysis can unlock, Romano I love you.

BONUS: Closing Songs

5. Hatafutte Parade (World Series)

4. Hetalian⭐Jet (The World Twinkle): The song is good, the dancing is cursed

3. Chikyuu Marugoto Hug Shitainda (World⭐Stars)

2. Marukaite Chikyuu (Hetalia: Axis Powers): nE NE PaPA

1. Mawaru Chikyuu Rondo (The Beautiful World)

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androgynousblackbox · 4 years ago

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have you seen the latest RaM episode? I was hoping to see if you had any thoughts about it! I really liked the exploration and the going off the gotdamb rails with the decoys. Also that scene with rick just. dick out and making morty peek at his ass for No actual reason sndhs

Don't forget the fact that his family didn't questioned for a single second that it should be MORTY the one to look into Rick's ass, like there was never anyone else but Morty who should be do it. It was gross, sure, but also such a... "guys would be guys" moment but not in the violent/toxic way but on the silly and unnecesary way, you know? Like Morty called it "punishment" and, sure, nobody wants to be farted into their face, but I can see Rick pulling a similar move on just any friend he feels like pranking to and, on a way, that was kinda wholesome. Okay, so I am going to pour my thoughts about this and the other episode as I usually do here so bear with me: -The fact that Summer IMMEDIATELY picked on what could go wrong about the whole decoy thing, and Rick has to aknowledge that Summer was smarter than this on this regard. This to me is talking again about how Summer IS actually smarter, emotional and socially wise (meaning with interelationships at least), that she could tell that if one Rick thinking he is not a decoy was going to make decoys then of course other Ricks would have the same idea. But Rick never saw this coming because he was only thinking of the decoys as instruments to be used and disposed, even as he was giving them actual personalities and filled their memories with real ones. He never considered they could go on to make their own because, well, they are not This Rick and this Rick is the smartest man in the universe, the guy that unironically think himself to be god, so OBVOUSLY think only HE would be capable of pulling that off. -The fact the immediately after a Rick wins while proclaiming himself "not a man, I am god!" only to be killed by what is essentially JUST A TOY, some little creature that was MEANT to be killed but got pissed when nobody did it. A literal "god" got eliminated for something fucking mundane that didn't even had to do with the main conflict. He doesn't even understand WHY this little dude just killed him, he died with uncertainty, and if that isn't the most human experience ever then I don't know. -With this episode and the first one, I HOPE this season is going to be about desconstructing Rick thinking himself above anything else. I said this before, but I don't trust fans who truly believe Rick is entitled to do anything he wants and be shitty with everyone because he is smart. It seems to be like these two episode literally adressed that kind of attitude by putting Rick on situations where not even he can get out of and revealing he is, in fact, still just a flawed human being. A major criticism that many people have levered against the show is that yes, we know Rick is sad and miserable, but the show still goes out of it's way to keep making him win on anything he wants (most of the time at least) and thus is signaling to the audience the idea that he is always right, that he should be always right, because he has the power to do anything he wants. The very first episode start with Rick about to fucking die with all his regrets ("I am a silly man, a silly old man") and then he is saved BY MORTY. If it wasn't because of Morty being there that would be it, they both would be gone. -The previous season was already descontructing Rick as the patriarch of the house and show how nobody "needs him" on the same way they needed him on the first season. The only character you could argue still gives a fuck about Rick's approval/recognition is Summer, but even then Summer was never submissive and passive like Season One Morty was to Rick, instantly believing anything he said. Plus, we all know that Rick COULD take Summer on all his adventures and she would never complain about it because she doesn't give a fuck about school anyway. But he still insist on taking Morty instead, despite his protests, because he just likes Morty better than Summer and he does not take well with Morty not relying on him. I don't fucking buy the whole "cancelling brain waves" excuse anymore because, come on, there is a million ways in which Rick could circunvent that problem if he wanted to

but he just prefers keep Morty around. -On the first episode Rick literally says "let me deus ex machina out of here". Deus ex machina literally means the hand of god because in ancient greek mythology many plays would have an element of a literal hand coming from the sky to take the characters out of any problem they are in. And it didn't worked! He needed Mr Nimbus to save them. Because he is not fucking god, and the show is finally showing us concrete evidence of this, while Rick is still the only one with this delusion on his head and this delusion is part of his downfall. The whole second episode is nothing else but Rick's ego fucking him in the ass, literally killing him over and over again. -Beth was GREAT rejoicing on Rick's existential crisis and she fucking deserved that moment, I am glad they gave it to her. -The way so many of the decoys decided to react to knowing they were decoys was so amazing. Like yeah, a majority of them decided to be all "oh no, there can only be one", but many other just off themselves because they couldn't handle not being The Original, insisting to the last moment that they MUST be the original because, well, that is what they think, and then other decoys were just ready to accept death because they had accepted there was no other way. -The only wish of Summer to be on the ocean was... so wholesome? Like it made for a beautiful scene in general, but then they dying hand by hand and just happy to be together, Rick apoligizing to Morty because they couldn't make his wish come true, such a good moment. -The fact that all those Ricks made decoys purely out of a sincere desire to protect his family, it's just great. It was still selfish to basically create life with the only purpose of it being destroyed, but it was motivated as another security measure to protect others, not just himself. -The skin wearing Rick on the swamps talking about "a Rick must provide for his family". Ricks CARE about their family so much. -The puppet Smits were so cute, I loved their voices. -THE MUPPET SMITHS. Even if it was nothing but a costume, it was cute and I want them on Pocket Mortys. -This scene is a Call Me By Your Name reference and nobody tells me otherwise:

As I explained on a server: 1. Italian. The movie happens on Italy. 2. Pool. Many crucial scenes include a pool. 3. Age difference. If they just wanted to imply Morty was flirting they could have used just an older teenager, they didn't need a literal hunk that kinda looks like the older character on the movie. 4. THERE IS FUCKING PEACHES ON THE FOREFRONT. If anyone saw Call me by your name, they know they literally fucked a peach at some point and then the love interest EATS IT ANYWAY. And what does it look like the guy Morty is with is eating? PEACHES. 5. Parents are watching and don't give a fuck. 6. I have decided. -Regardless if it's a reference or not, though, is still pretty fucking gay. -I have seen some fans theorizing that the Smith family we see in the end with Space Beth was our own, and at first I thought so too because they are with Space Beth but then I was... wait a minute, ALL Beth decoys knew there was a Space Beth. They went out of their way to show us this by always having Beth being the one who insisted that no decoy had to die, because she knew what was to feel like a copy. When Rick decided to make another family exactly as his own, he also made HIMSELF expendable and interchangeable. We don't need thirty Smith families, the show only needs one and it doesn't matter which one is it as long is one we can recognize. Why couldn't that have been another decoy family that just so happened to want to do a space trip while all the bullshit was happening? I don't think they are ever going to confirm if this was our original Smith family or don't, just like they won't confirm which Beth is the clone, but I personally think it would be fucking hilarious if they were a decoy and Our Rick just died thinking he was a decoy. -Also the way that Space Beth was just casually putting an arm around Morty made me so happy. Considering that Beth is also the mother who prefered to save Summer over Morty when their lives were in danger, I really like the idea that Space Beth sees how much Morty has grown and is proud of him for becoming a badass himself without Rick's help. That is just my headcanon though, but wouldn't be nice to have SOMEONE appreciate Morty? -Finally, but not less important... Rick knew Morty uses a yosemite shirt in order to cum. This man literally knew about the masturbatory habits of his grandson. Rick went as far on his desire to protect his family he used that knowledge for the decoys. He also told Morty to not fuck his double, which is a nice little reference to Morty literally doing that on the comics but also a subtle way to tell us that Morty is definitely Not Straight because, yeah, I am fucking counting selfcest as a form of queerness because regardless of everything else, that is still two identifying male characters fucking. We only need Beth showing attraction to some female character and the entire Smith family would be officially pan/bi.

#rick and morty spoilers #andro is talking

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unacaritafeliz · 4 years ago

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Zukki and in-laws

firstly this is a fantastic prompt, i had so much fun with this! thank you!

hakoda adopted suki and zuko long before they ever married sokka. he loves them so much and would protect them with his life. he has the best working relationship with zuko because he knows when and how to rein zuko in and how to have good, productive discussion with him to benefit both nations. is occasionally coerced into things for them by sokka saying 'remember when suki and zuko risked their lives to save you at the boiling rock? not that it matters, i'm just saying'. suki calls him dadkoda unironically. she reminds him of kya.

bato, kanna, katara, iroh, azula, kiyi, the kyoshi warriors and kyoshi herself under the cut!

bato to suki "oh dear, oh dear, gorgeous!". bato to zuko "you fucking donkey!" bato loves zuko really (he's so endearingly awkward, how could bato not like him) it's just more fun to bully him. bato and suki are constantly suffering about how dumb hakoda and sokka's jokes are but how much they love them anyway. he begrudgingly loves going for hunts with sokka and suki and he taught zuko to ice fish. (bato and zuko trans buddies? bato and zuko trans buddies).

kanna loves suki for being the one to beat some goddamn respect into her grandson - and also for being a badass warrior who isn't afraid to help out with more traditionally feminine past times/chores. she takes a while to warm (lol) to zuko for obvious reasons, but she can tell that he a) loves her grandson and b) is genuinely trying his best to repair the world. sometimes they sit together in silence while he reads and she knits/sews. she always gives them so much food and makes sure they're dressed warmly.

katara loves being officially sisters with suki, hates being related to zuko by law but uses her little sister privileges to annoy him all the time. she shovel-talked sokka on suki and zuko's behalf but mostly because she knows that suki and zuko already knew that she'd kill them if they tried anything <3. suki and zuko are the best in laws because they are nice, smart (apart from liking sokka, widely regarded as stupider than chasing the avatar) and also will spar with her whenever she wants. the three of them gang up to tease sokka all the time.

iroh LOVES sokka and suki. he's happy that his nephew has found people who love him so deeply but the real joy comes from pai sho matches with sokka and tea dates with suki. sokka reminds iroh a lot of lu ten and they make snarky comments about pakku in white lotus meetings. suki makes him atone for his war crimes. iroh often says 'zuko, why cant you be more like your spouses?' but in a loving way.

azula really bonded with sokka and suki during her time in rehab - sokka would read or play pai sho with her so they could hang out without talking and suki would spar with azula which was always very fun. one time she snorted at one of sokka's jokes and he never lets her forget it. learned to kyoshi fight from suki and looked bomb wearing the outfit for real. she always says sokka and suki could both do better than her dumbass older brother but she is secretly very happy for the three of them and looks up to their relationship.

kiyi thought zuko was the coolest person in the world until she met sokka and suki. she truly believes that suki is the prettiest person in the whole world and wants to be a kyoshi warrior when she grows up! she honestly think sokka is hilarious and loves all the things he invents and buys for her! also loves to do art with sokka because she's better than him. she is extremely spoiled by all three of them to be honest.

the kyoshi warriors are always down to both beat and roast the fuck out of their brothers-in-law but they love both sokka and zuko very very much. mostly they love how happy the boys have made suki. they think sokka is extremely funny much to suki's chargrin. they tease zuko every time they guard him but he still prefers them to any fire nation guards. sometimes the warriors swap head gear to try and trick sokka and zuko up but the boys can usually tell (suki yells at them for this).

avatar kyoshi considers suki her daughter and once possessed aang just to shovel talk zuko and sokka (he was trying himself, but it's aang. he loves them. it wasn't very threatening). being threatened by kyoshi was 'equal parts exhilarating and terrifying' according to sokka. she does like them a lot though - she thinks they are fun and nice and they are good friends to aang and good husbands to suki which is all that really matters to her. she thinks sokka should wear his kyoshi uniform more often.

SEND ME A SHIP AND A WORD AND I’LL WRITE UP A HEADCANON!

#i love in-laws #for both zukki and sokkateo #thank you new friend!#asks #jackthunderboltyt

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tanoraqui · 4 years ago

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Hi! I see you posting all this stuff about the Queen's Thief series and it really looks like my type of literature, but I can't keep up with all the names and locations. Would it be okay to ask for a non-spoilery rundown of who, what, and where?

Hell yeah [at a delay]. So, most of the series takes place on the Attolian Peninsula, which comprises of 3 countries: Sounis, Eddis, and Attolia. There are also a scattering of small islands generally associated with the peninsula. Eddis is a narrow country in the mountains between Sounis and Attolia and only has, like, 1 small port; Sounis and Attolia both have substantial coastlines. All are monarchies. The basic geopolitical plot of the books is these three countries making peace with one another so that together they can hold off hte encroaching Mede Empire.

It’s very low fantasy. Rifles and cannons exist, but they’re not that good yet; complex clockwork exists; steam engines do not. The Attolian Peninsua are heavily Ancient Greece-inspired, and the Mede are Persian-ish. Most importantly, there’s an entire made-up Greek-flavored mythology, as well as a Gilgamesh remix, stories of which are scattered through the books. Not only is this very neat, but the mythological figures often mirror the characters and are often vital to the plot. In fact, one of my favorite things about the series is how the whole thing feels very much like a myth in its own right, which some modern-day-in-that-world author has delved into and expanded on with fleshed-out characters and complex politics.

But you wanted a cast list. Most significant characters, in (probably) order of introduction, spoiler-free:

Eugenides, aka Gen, the central character of the series - though only the protagonist for the first couple books. Book and a half, really (the second is shared). Gen is a young progessional thief who is very good at calculating and carrying out complex and implausibly possible plans, and not always good at considering in advance consequences like “I will spend 6 months in jail” “I will have to move countries and take up a job I will hate”, “people might unironically admire and respect me, even though I don’t think I deserve it.” A wildly endearing manipulative asshole. Iconic quote: “I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT!”

the Magus (never named), a chief advisor to the King of Sounis. Canny old soldier-turned-scholar/politician who is the first person to hold a braincell re: “we need to unite or die.” Iconic quote: “I meant convince your queen to sue for peace, not burn our navy in its own harbor!”

Sophos, later Sounis*, the Nicest Young Man to ever be a Nice Young Man. Sweet muffin. Canonical bunny. Also canonical mankiller. Iconic line: “Not on the first vote.”

Attolia* Irene, Queen of Attolia. Her people love her and fear her; her barons, for the most part, just fear her; she kicks and screams (non-literally) and throws inkpots (literally), but she does relearn how to both be loved and give love in return. Iconic line [narration]: And she believed him.

Eddis* Helen, Queen of Eddis. There’s a mild running joke over the course of the series of mentioning that there’s nothing to do during Eddisian winters but [X], the 3 things mentioned are weapons training, threadcraft, and seducing one another’s spouses. The only one Eddis is suggested to be good at is weapons, but she’s the beloved and (almost entirely) undisputed queen of her country anyway. Iconic quote: “War, then.”

Nahuseresh, Medean ambassador, a mansplainer but competent as sneakily taking over someone else’s country while pretending to help them. More or less. Does not get an iconic line bc fuck him.

Kamet, later called Kamet Kingnamer, Nahuseresh’s slave and personal secretary. Nearsighted, translates poetry for fun, does NOT want to go on a multi-month (b)romance-building roadtrip. Does not have much choice in the matter, because he wants to be free and, more importantly, to survive. Iconic line [narration]: I noticed that a man on the dock with a duffel on one shoulder was very like Costis in poise and gait. The man turned onto the gangplank to board the ship, and my heart lifted, though I tried to squash what I thought was a ridiculous hope.**

Costis Ormentides, a lieutenant in the Attolian palace guard. Not remotely prepared for the political snakepit he’s thrown into through very little fault of his own, oh god this poor man, he just wants to serve his queen and have a little spare money to go out for wine with friends. Why are people trying to kill him. Why is he third wheeling his monarchs making out in the courtyard. Why is he being passive-aggressively forced to learn a foreign language. Iconic line action: *punches the king in the face*

Pheris Mostrus Erondites, second grandson of Baron Erondites of Attolia; historian and narrator of the last book in the series. Severely physically disabled, purposefully overlooked for all his life until particularly bitchy politics had him sent to the Attolian royal court (purposely on his part and on everyone else’s), very observant and twice as clever. Writes humanity beautifully. Iconic line [narration]: If I cannot record exactly what words were spoken at every moment, I can say with confidence what those words might have been, and in some cases what they must as been, as I saw what resulted from them being spoken, and can we not derive the words when we know the consequences of their utterance? *proceeds to write a historical account/novel more full of small moments of personhood and love both dramatic and casual than almost the rest of the series combined*

Relius, Attolian Master of the Archives (spymaster), trusted first within reason and then beyond it. Has many, many lovers.***

Teleus, Attolian Captain of the Palace Guard, A bit staid, but loyal, reliable, and entirely excellent at his job. Has only one lover.***

the Eddisian Minister of War, unnamed until the very end, fights with his youngest son a great deal in multiple senses of the word.

* It’s possible that some of your confusion may stem from people taking the names of their countries as titles upon ascending to the thrones. ** Yes I chose this quote bc it’s sweet but also bc it’s SUCH a nearsighted mood. *** Direct quotes from the character list at the end of the last book.

#queen's thief #random anon asks #queen's thief series #Anonymous

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britesparc · 6 years ago

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Weekend Top Ten #355

Top Ten Fictional Santas

Hey! It’s Christmas! Well, almost. This is going up on Saturday, which is the day before the day before the day before Christmas. But I won’t be posting another of these bad boys till after we’ve all digested our sprouts and recycled our wrapping paper (you DID buy recyclable wrapping paper didn’t you?), so this officially counts as the David Heslop Weekend Top Ten Christmas Special.

And what could be more Christmassy that Santa Claus? Or Father Christmas, or Saint Nick, or good old Klaus, whatever you wanna call him. He’s a dude that’s been in more movies and TV shows than you can shake a candy cane at. So this week, all festive-like, I want to look at my favourite interpretations of Santa. Top ten guys in beards being all Christmassy and shit. Fictional Father Christmasses (Fathers Christmas?).

Now, these are ten people playing Santa. Just whacking on a red coat don’t count. The actual characters they play are Father Christmas. So there is no Bad Santa, no Rare Exports – in those cases, the actors were playing people dressed up as Santa (which, er, might be a slight spoiler in the case of Rare Exports, I suppose). But we have here a nice mix of live-action and animation, of TV projects and movies, of huge matinee idols and more modest voice actors. We even have a couple of guys who’ve played Santa more than once, across multiple unrelated projects!

So let’s unwrap these presents and bask in the glory of major motion pictures! Yay capitalism!

Oh, and Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!

Richard Attenborough (Miracle on 34th Street, 1994): the quintessential Saint Nick: kind, generous, well-spoken, but with a strong moral compass and the steel to back it up, all delivered in Attenborough’s meticulous, mellifluous tone. The dictionary definition of twinkly. Your heart will be warmed forever.

Mel Smith (Father Christmas, 1991): my kind of Santa. He’s grumpy, belligerent, foul-mouthed, and very fond of fine food and copious amounts of booze. Smith gives him oodles of heart and warmth, and makes him probably the funniest Santa on screen. Bloomin’ marvellous.

Brian Blessed (Sooty “Pranks and Presents”, 2013): Blessed has played Santa many, many times, across all manner of programmes, adverts, and (probably) on the top of a mountain somewhere. He looks and sounds the part, all big-boned baritone intonation radiating inner warmth. I feel he should be given his due where he gets to play Father Crimbles in a big movie sometime soon.

David Huddleston (Santa Claus: The Movie, 1985): in a film that begins with Santa literally dying and ends with Jon Lithgow floating into space, Huddleston remains a solid and reliable presence. Exemplifying all the best qualities of Big Santy C, he’s big and earnest but fun too. Perhaps a tiny bit trad, but you need something straight to offset the Dudley Mooreness of it all.

Kurt Russell (The Christmas Chronicles, 2018): the absolute casting triumph of the year, Russell enlivens what is otherwise a fairly conventional film. He’s huge fun as a cooler, sexier Santa who’s prepared to be a little bit naughty in order to be nice. Genuinely, unironically deserving of some kind of Academy recognition. I want his waistcoat, too.

Ed Asner (Elf, 2003): another actor with a slightly deeper reservoir of Santa experience, Asner crops up in Netflix’s Story Bots too. In both cases, he comes across like a soft cross between Attenborough’s twinkling do-gooder and Smith’s soft-centred grumpy buggerlugs: a seemingly stern yet kind-eyed authority figure. I particularly love how aggrieved he is at lending out his coat: “Mrs Claus made this for me!”

Bill Nighy (Arthur Christmas, 2011): Arthur Christmas features a bevy of past, present, and possible Santas, but by far the best is Nighy as the crabby and sarcastic “Grandpa Claus”. He berates his grandson, belittles the current Santa, and generally moans for the old days. But there’s a sense of wonder to him, a hint of magic that’s lost on the fussier, more business-oriented Santas currently in charge.

Nick Frost (Doctor Who “Last Christmas”, 2014): Frost was destined to play Santa. Gregarious, kind-hearted, impeccably bearded, and with the stature to carry it off. His performance in one of Steven Moffat’s best Doctor Who Christmas Specials is a delight; part enigmatic mysterio, part benign saviour. Also contains my favourite description of Father Christmas: “a dream that’s come to save us”. All the same, I feel there’s an even better Santa somewhere in Frost’s future.

Edmund Gwenn (Miracle on 34th Street, 1947): the original! The best? Nah, not quite. Whilst I think, on the whole, Forties Miracle is better than Nineties Miracle, the modern update has two things going for it: Mara Wilson and Richard Attenborough. All the same, let’s not discount Gwenn, who gives a terrific, grounding performance as a Santa who seems to encapsulate the ideal of American post-war patriarchy. In the tradition of Atticus Finch or George Bailey, he’s a solid, upright citizen, who represents the best of America (even if, as Santa, he’s not really American). Kind, wise, with a heart of gold and a spine of steel.

Jim Broadbent (Get Santa, 2014): another repeat offender! Broadbent was the “current” Santa in Arthur Christmas, but there he was a lackadaisical pencil-pusher, a figurehead bereft of any sense of magic or duty. Here he has both, although he doesn’t carry it off quite as well as others on the list. In a largely comic performance, he’s very funny as a naïve Santa trying to survive incarceration, but his inner goodness always shines through.

So there we go. Ten top Nicks! I do wish I’d seen one of Leslie Neilsen’s turns as Santa to judge him, too; and also Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. And at times like this it makes me sad we lost Robin Williams before he could play the absolute definitive version of Santa (I reckon Billy Connolly’s got a good one in him, too, although I don’t know if his health’s up to it anymore, sadly).

Oh, and if you’re wondering why Tim Allen and The Santa Clause isn’t on this list, that’s because those films suck and he’s a crap Santa.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

#top ten #christmas #father christmas #santa #movie santas #santas on screen #santa claus #i can't wait to see what you do for new years

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