#he's a brainlet but I love him

[haebai-png]

my favorite weeb

[hotvampireadjacent]

Milky Way is so goofy I’ll pick him up for something and he doesn’t struggle he just accepts it. “Oh we’re going somewhere? 🐍👍”

No thoughts head empty animal no idea how they survive in the wild.

[0alanasworld0]

At Ease (Hakim Ziyech x reader) *request

Request: Can you write something for ziyech about you taking care of him after a game (taking a bath together, massaging him…)

Warnings: none

He was no doubt the love of your life but my god did he confuse you at times. Being the nervous and careful person you were, the whole “high risk, high reward” concept made you itch with anxiety. It just wasn’t something you ever saw yourself living by. Hakim on the other hand, was the complete opposite in this regard. Not to say that he was reckless, he always thought through his decisions. However when it came to weighing up decisions, if the pros were big enough, he would always endure the associated risks; even if those risks were pretty big themselves. If the risks did come to fruition, he would simply tell himself that it was for the best. He wasn’t someone to question God’s plan, that was for sure.

“At least I tried.” he would tell himself.

You had to admit that while it perplexed you, you would always be in awe of him for it. The fruits of his resilience were most clearly visible on the pitch. Passes that wouldn’t make sense to anyone other than Hakim yet they would always open up solid opportunities for his teammates to take shots and slip through the unsuspecting defences. Angles that seem completely nonsensical but in his eyes, that 0.000001% chance is still a chance.

Luckily today was one of those days. The minutes are ticking to a close and you worry that another disappointing result is going to be held over his head by brainless fans. That has been pretty common recently. No matter how many crucial passes he made, no matter how many times his teammates lacked the awareness to take advantage of the passes, any form of loss would be bared by him. Today those brainlets had no reason to be upset with him.

The crowd is growing uncomfortable as the extra time is being calculated. 4 minutes. Everyone is shifting in the seats with unease as play continues. The team looks exhausted, defeated and ready to go inside and call it a game. A smile makes its way onto your face when you see your love, still switched on and looking for opportunities and finally one comes. A free kick that could break through the 0-0 display and open up the scoreboard in his favour. Your heart starts to pound and you feel the tension in the stadium rise as Hakim takes a step back to assess his surroundings. You can’t see him very clearly from when you’re sitting but you have a vague idea of what’s going through his head based on the situation. “No guts, no glory.”

You hold your breath as he begins the jog before kicking the ball. You can see the approach he’s taking based on the angle and you pray that this time it’s glory. During times like this, he can’t exactly rely on his teammates for anything. Experience has drilled that into his thought process for moments like this. You worry because the opposing defence is still energetic and ready to do anything to make sure nothing comes of this opportunity. Almost the entire team is there, ready and waiting for the kick. It looks as if they’re ready for anything.

The ball flies as you would expect but as it reaches its peak, you’re certain that it will either go wide or be cleared by someone in the opposition and your heart sinks. You close your eyes since you can’t bear to see the turnout yet something compels you to open them again. They widen further in shock as you see it curl; it goes over everyone’s heads and right towards the top left corner of the goal. Your heart sinks again as you think it will just ping off the post and back into fruitless play but soars as the ball manages to bury itself in the net. 

Your ears ring with the sounds of your own screaming as well as that of the roaring crowd, you can feel and see the electricity erupt throughout the stadium as Hakim’s vision comes to reality. A goal that you couldn’t imagine anyone else even thinking to try. You’re able to release a big sigh of relief and you imagine that your husband is doing the same. You're bouncing up and down on your toes with excitement as the minutes turn into seconds with the team wasting as much time as possible. Finally, the whistle sounds as the coaching staff and team pour out onto the field and you smile as you see Hakim being thrown in the air: a very well-deserved hero’s celebration. 

The crowd is still wildly celebrating when he sprints over to the barrier, jumps over and nearly falls over while running up the stairs to you. Before you even have time to react, he practically throws himself at you, enveloping you in the tightest hug he can give. It quite literally knocks the breath out of you but you couldn’t care less, you kiss his head and return the hug. Admittedly, you’re nowhere near strong enough to deliver the same squeeze but you hope he gets the idea: you couldn’t be more proud of him.

“‘No guts, no glory’ huh?” you whisper in his ear, you can feel his smile widen against your neck. Neither of you have any awareness of the dozens of eyes focused on you or the cameras and you wouldn’t care anyway. It’s his moment and he was gonna make sure he shared as much of it as he could with you.

The car ride home was something else. Hakim had a smile permanently plastered on his face and you were both excitedly humming to the songs from your playlist. At every chance he can get, he’s giddily going over what was going through his head and how it all looked in the moment and you listen with the same enthusiasm. Not once does the energy die down and you’re both rushing to get out of the car and into the house when he pulls up.

He’s carrying you on his back, racing to the entrance. He unlocks the front door as quickly as he can, breathing out a sigh of relief when he walks through and the familiar scent of the house hits him. Once he lets you down, he can finally feel the exhaustion hit him. It was a high energy match and with the recent performance from the team, he just wasn’t used to it. The soreness in his muscles became that much more apparent. His legs and arms feel heavy and his eyes are threatening to close at any second and it’s getting harder and harder to fight the fatigue. 

You quickly go to hold him before anything can happen. You urge him to throw an arm around your shoulder as you help him up to your bedroom. He falls not-so-gracefully onto the bed, face first and you crouch down so your faces are level, holding back a laugh. He narrows his eyes at you.

“You laugh at my misery?” he huffs.

“I can’t believe you would accuse me of such a thing! I’m merely admiring my husband.”

He hums disapprovingly, dramatically turning away from you. All in jest of course but he’s just having so much fun!

“Hey hey no c’mon! Now, you need to get your kit off!” you say, rubbing his back.

“Oooh did that goal get you all excited?” he questions. You roll your eyes.

“You’re hardly in the state for that, my love. I was thinking of something more along the lines of a bath?”

“I suppose that would make more sense.” he hums. You laugh quietly, patting his back before going to run the bath. You bring out one of the bath bombs and throw it in the lukewarm water, taking your clothes off before putting on a bathrobe. Hakim makes it to the door, a lot steadier on his feet than before.

“Is that robe really necessary?” he teases, enjoying the way your face heats up from his gaze.

“Well, I thought I was going to have to drag you in here.” you retort, unable to meet his sparkling brown eyes.

“Oh, you without that useless piece of fabric would have been enough motivation to take me anywhere.” you roll your eyes and shake your head with a small smile on your face.

He takes his underwear off and you both get into the bath. He sighs out at the feeling of the  warm water against his body, the tension already leaving his body. He pulls you so that your back is against his chest and traces the soft lines of your body with his hands. You shiver at the contact, even with the warm water soothing your skin.

“Should I have passed to someone instead?” he asks quietly. He was strong and clear-minded for the most part regarding these matters but the doubt still swirled around in his head. You open one eye in confusion.

“Hmm?” 

“Wouldn’t it have made more sense to just pass it? I mean Mason was right there!” he elaborates. Your heart breaks a little for him. Years of being worn down by unfairly harsh critics made moments like this a little difficult to celebrate sometimes, their words ringing in his ears constantly.

“Mason had just played a full 92 minutes after coming off a month long recovery. I think you picked the safest option, Habibi.” you murmur softly, squeezing his forearm. He hums in relief, dipping his head to lay kisses that trail down from the side of your head to your shoulder as his arms tighten around your middle. The fact that you were always able to see where he was coming from or at the very least willing to understand made his heart swell with affection for you. The rest of the bath continues in a comfortable silence until the water begins to cool at which point you both get out.

He throws on a pair of underwear and some joggers before layinf on his back on the bed as he begins to check through his phone. You follow behind and lean over to tap on his shoulder.

“Roll over for me?” he narrows his eyes in suspicion.

“My love, you winced the entire walk to the bed. You need a massage.” the mischievous glint in his eyes becomes apparent again as he enthusiastically complies.

You get into position and rub your hands together to warm them up a bit before getting to work. You start at the back of his neck and move slowly down his shoulders and then his toned back, thumbs pressing into the tight muscles and working out the knots to release all of the built up tension. He hums and moans quietly in delight at the feeling of your soft hands dancing around his skin, flexing every once in a while to enjoy all the stress melting away at your comforting touch.

“Good lord, where do you even learn this? Your hands are like magic, I swear!” he asks, sighing out in bliss, ready once again to fall asleep.

“I don't know, it's just instinctive?” you say as you think, reaching his lower back. It’s particularly knotted here, much like his shoulders so you put a little more pressure to soften the muscle. You look up to make sure there aren’t any signs of discomfort but a wide smile makes its way onto your face when you realise that he’s ¾ asleep. You get off him, throwing the duvet over his relaxed frame and he breathes out with a small smile, snuggling further into them. You hop in quickly, laying on your side to face him and he throws an arm over you. He shifts a little so you can rest your head under his chin like you always do and he finally lets the tiredness take over his body, falling into a happy and peaceful slumber. You’re not too far off yourself, the warmth that radiates from his body sends you into a deep sleep not so long after him. The perfect way to celebrate and end an especially joyful day.

finallyyyyyyyyyyyy! i hope i could bring some spice back to the hashtag lmao. i'm sorry its a bit shorter than usual; I'll probably add to it at another stage but I hope u enjoy anyway, my lovelies xxxx

[suffering-and-happy-about-it]

Regarding Howl's Moving Castle: An absolutely unnecessary explanation I'd like to get off my chest.

I'd like to clarify a few things regarding my stance toward Howl's Moving Castle even though nobody asked (both movie and book) and its characters, mainly toward Howl himself:

I often present Howl as a thought-absent brainlet who hadn't had a single active brain cell penetrate that pretty head of his ever in his life (and he's so real for that). I can see how that could come across as disrespectful or ridiculing of the sources, but (and it's an enormous BUT) Miyazaki iteration of Wynne Jones' book is one piece of media I find myself visiting repeatedly.

Back when I was a kid, I've grown up watching Spirited Away (2001) and Kiki's Delivery Service (1989) on a loop. My sister later took the reins and continued the legacy with Ponyo (2008) and Arietty (2010).

I'm so endlessly lucky to have parents who recognized Studio Ghibli's stories as art and genuine fairy tales - mainly because this kind of animation wasn't that known in my country when I was little. They realized the heroines were similar to us in attributes and characteristics - Chihiro (literally being a 12yo), Ponyo (brave, courageous little fishy girl), so on and so forth. All these little ladies inspired me and my sister to be adventurous and strong and Miyazaki's stories shaped us to some degree.

Howl's Moving Castle, however, is very special to me. I found it around 11 years ago (I was around 12 give or take) and everything about the movie inspired me. I fell in love with the art (both Hisaishi's music and the art style), I yearned for the hopeless romance, for all the adventure, for the funny fire demon and I wished to be like Sophie, who had her head straight no matter the circumstance and whose spirits were never broken. As time passed, I started coming back to it frequently, and now, I'd say those pieces have become my quiet places to which I can go when there's too much commotion. That one piece of media I dive into when I want to clear my head.

I've always viewed Howl as flamboyant, a bit too dramatic, lazy, pretty disregarding, a bit cowardly, melodramatic, charismatic son of a gun. And I believe that's precisely the point of both the media. In both media, Sophie eventually 'unmasks' Howl and learns what loving, caring, and gold-hearted lurks underneath all the pretentiousness and rumors. The main catalyst for me to view Pendragon as a thoughtless idiot was Wynne Jones' original interpretation of Howl's character itself. Miyazaki's iteration of Howl (even though it 100% works within the movie universe) is heavily romanticized and toned from 100% to a 10% (20% at best) obnoxiousness. This 'toning down' works for the movie, because even though the movie Sophie is my beloved ladybug, the book Howl would swallow her whole. Poor Grandma Sophie wouldn't survive a day with the book adaptation.

If I may, I'd like to describe Howl as a happy-go-lucky idiot who throws stuff at walls and sees what sticks. This man smells of trouble, unforeseen heroics, poetry, and heartbreak. He is openly a coward who runs away from his responsibilities like it's an Olympic discipline. He throws childish tantrums over the smallest inconveniences (book Sophie must've been on the verge of committing crimes on multiple occasions, god bless her, I hope she has a wonderful day). BUT that's what makes him so loveable, intriguing, and fun to follow on a journey toward peace, remedy, and growth. He's flawed. He's a character who grows and learns from his mistakes, someone who finds a family along his journey.

So, even though I've called (and I shall continue to refer to him as such) Howl Pendragon a brainless king, the epitome of 'no thoughts, head empty', not a brain cell in sight & often assume he runs away from coherent thoughts, I view him as one of the most inspiring characters I ever discovered. It might sound stupid, but I aspire to be like him. I wish to find someone worth fighting for.

[clockwise-works]

Link, 7,9,10,20

Appreciate the ask! my crazy thoughts will be below the cut...

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

So I really love it when people take small, gameplay mechanics and elements from BotW/AoC/TotK and use it to flesh out Link's personality. What he likes, how he thinks. etc etc. It's... honestly easy to write him off as a gremlin brainlet who likes to cook. Or just a sad and damaged sad guy. I love it when he has a fascination with history, pulling from him documenting stuff he finds in the slate. I love it when pre-calamity he's a competent and strategic mind given his time in the army. I love it now after TotK that we can give Link an interest in mechanics and engineering. Let him have some brains! He's goofy? Of course he is! But there's so much beyond that, and pulling little stuff from gameplay mechanics just itches that one part of my brain!

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

So I did already answer a roommate question earlier with Mipha, so my general thoughts remain the same... for me. I think I wouldn't be too intrusive or annoying, but Link? Idk, given how you can just absolutely FILL the slate, I get the impression Link is someone who has a bad habit at not throwing stuff out. Everything holds value to him, it could be used for something, it looks cool... BROTHER THROW IT OUT ITS A BROKEN PENCIL! Also given the weapon durability I think he's break my appliances...

Dude would make meals that SLAP though, so you take the good with the bad.

10. Could you be best friends with this character?

I mean, I really don't struggle with making friends in person, I find it really easy to talk to people, so yeah! Pull him into the real world where he wouldn't have his knight baggage, dude would be a fun and chill guy fr fr. Good jokes, good mindset and solid beliefs, I imagine he would be a good friend I could both goof and laugh with over stupid shit while also having a late night 3am life talk. Let me give him advice! Listen to me dumbass, I'm older, by like a year! I got SO much more experience than you, wisdom is OOZING from my mind!

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter.

Oh wow I wonder what the Miphlink enjoyer will say, certainly he'll surprise us!

No, but for real I do love them being best friends, but I think there's some other characters that fit the bill too. Pre-Calamity I'd say Bazz. I imagine the two grew up together (Zora aging is wonky, but I do go with the mindset that Zora's have a few good years where they age comparable to Hylians, using Ruto as a base) and had a back and forth friendship where they mess with one another, but there is a mutual respect and love. (Yes you can love your friends, I love my homies). I imagine that when Link wasn't with Mipha during his visits, he was having kid adventures with Bazz and the others, doing whatever they could. After the whole shrine thing though? I think Bazz grew up, and while Link did too, it was under different circumstances so the two aren't as close. Still good friends, great even, but best friend? Idk. In a non shrine world, though? Hell yeah!

[tenmillionpoundsofsludge]

THEO | HE/HIM | TRANSFAG| TME

Transgender male/gay doomed by the narrative survival horror protagonist. Autistic schizophrenic weirdo. Battery licker. The first dead body to run a blog.The friendliest computer virus you'll ever meet.

Mixed white passing (Romani Jewish+white+native)

NO MINORS

I have a lot of interests and fandoms im in and I do tag all of them if there's anything you don't want to see. I like horror, videogames, movies, music, ect.

My Tumblr dms and askbox are open at any time if you would like to reach out and become friends.

I tag basic triggers and fandom posts. Please let me know if you need anything specifically tagged. I don't tag the f slur. I love gore+violence

Typical DNI criteria applies. Transandrobros and "vote blue no matter who" brainlets go ahead and block me because I don't want you here until you grow up. Internet discoursers and drama blogs will not enjoy my presence.

Zionist, transmisogynists, racists, and bigots should kill themselves 👍 love every trans woman you meet before it's too late. Death to Israel.

Art tag Music Tag Movie Tag

Aesthetic tag is 📼. Kin tag is 🧠

Discord is available for mutuals if you ask for it

If you follow me, you should also follow:

The man my soul is forever entwined with, my unethical dealer, my favorite doberman, the sleep torment apparition, and ivo

Okay that's all have a nice day gorgeous

[thousandbuns]

I have three questions:

Why is the Order of the Lupus with its dwindling numbers, tilted age pyramid, rumored desertions to the Order and generally little power outside of a specific region of Caliban trying to front Lion's forces? There is defensive action (even if they reportedly incite the conflict themselves by massacring hunting parties entering the Northwilds) and there is suicide.

Why is the Order of the Lupus so insistent about not eradicating Northwild beasts? Is it an ecological concern, are they a key species regulating the ecosystem (if so, the early fallout of Lion's eradication campaign should become visible soonish)? Are they afraid of "traditions" dying so much they'd rather keep the whole planet stuck in tiny walled-off settlements (which would be dumb and shallow)? Are they afraid of losing what little power they still have (other Orders don't seem to share this concern though?) and are ready to fuck everyone over to cling to it? Are they secret Chaos worshippers and the beasts are daemonic (and I'll strangle the writer if it's a thing)? Is it just an attempt at creating an allegory for the conflict between Dark Angels and Space Wolves, logic be damned?

Finally: why the fuck did nobody step in to stop this barely-fifteen-year-old upstart who's not even a knight yet who fixated on the tragic death of his personal hero/mentor so much he'd set off on a quest that everyone, from other supplicants to senior knights, thinks is fucking stupid and suicidal? Was the weight of making the pledge in front of Lord Cipher so heavy? Lion openly says that he often sees tradition as something holding people back, why wouldn't he front this? Why wouldn't they leverage this absolute shitkid's position as a not-knight-yet against him? Why would they just let this brainlet take precious armor, weapons and a steed, then ride alone against the kind of beast that gave LION EL'JONSON A RUN FOR HIS MONEY AND MASSACRED A FAR MORE EXPERIENCED KNIGHT JUST NOW?

Also, boy I love casual fatphobia that by the narrator's own admission doesn't even make sense anymore because the target isn't overweight and supposedly has more muscle than fat.

Also-also, begging the writer to cut out the narrative intermissions and just... integrate them into the story, or at least trim them down. Describe it chronologically, use a narrative device or at least make all that reminiscing about how the quest to get yourself killed and waste precious resources at 15 with no adult oversight was your brightest moment and probably the last time you truly fought for the good of mankind (compared to the far less honorable Astartes duty) read well.

Last gripe: have you heard of properly weighing your weapons, using padded armor and making sure no one is trying to maliciously wail on the sparring partner to reduce the number of kids who walk away from group fencing sessions with BROKEN BONES? Injury is always a risk in training or contact sports, but Jesus fuck, what's the point of sidelining your recruits for months on end if you're not doing the Witcher school tactic of "swipe a bunch of orphans and bastard children, and whoever makes it through the training grind and Grass Trials, makes it", but carefully selecting small numbers from each and every group of aspirants?

*sigh*

I had hopes that the book would finally get better as the protagonist grows older and starts seeing the cracks in Order's heroic façade, but alas, he had to go and bang his head against a wall.

I wanted to read "Son of the Forest", but you can't call yourself a fan if you only watch the anime (please ignore the fact that as far as Horus Heresy goes I'm currently skipping "Fulgrim" because I do not have the mental capacity to deal with late 2000s Graham McNeill dumping his internalized misogyny and homophobia on me in real time, k thx).

So far I only want to flog the writer for condensing nearly the entire lore of Caliban, knight orders, Lion and his crusade against great beasts of Caliban into an overlong, repetetive lore dump that doesn't even give me any good hints as to who is its mysterious narrator and how they relate to the broader story. Absolutely baffling, possibly also a waste of good writing material right out of the gate.

[majimasleftasscheek]

i was a little unsure of your interpretation of kiryu as low-key really fucking weird, but then i almost killed him in a fight by accidentally feeding him a worm. i'm sorry i ever doubted you, you are Correct

Kiryu is incredibly fucking weird and I love him for it // some spoilers to follow

why does he get the option to eat a worm? Somewhere in his thought process he's like haha yes food

the fact you can pick "wrong" dialogue options just tells me he is perfectly capable of being a total freak if given the opportunity. Cough cough the wildly inappropriate shit that he can say as Ono Michio

the way he eats pizza? Blasphemous. Going to a burger joint to ask for pizza in the first place? Actual clown behavior

I know it's like a gameplay thing but I think he literally orders one of everything off the smile burger menu and eats that shit with the peel

y5 noodle guy is like drop your trousers and put on this traditional outfit with your ass out and Kiryu's like ok yeah sounds good

the entirety of the phone sex minigame

pissing minigame (looking at you too Maji)

the booby chatroom minigame

minigames

the photoshoot thing with that speedo torpedo guy

the sounds he makes whenever he eats or drinks

dressing Mitsuo as a cowboy, the most popular job in America don't you know

the studying quest in y5 where he can just be a total brainlet

how he drives during the taxi races

the overall big dick confidence he has to jump into literally whatever the fuck just because someone asked him to

it’s a lot lol

[theliterarywolf]

fuuuuuuuuck tell me why my friends and I were RPing Helluva Boss and when I tried to fill in the blank of Stella's backstory they told me I was defending her??? bitch I just want her to have a bad bitch backstory, leave me alone!!!

God, I hate how people want to lump HB fans who dare to want to know why Stella's a bitch with the few brainlets who legitimately think she did nothing wrong.

Because even Angelica from Rugrats, who again I only bring up because that's obviously what the picture of child!Stella was meant to invoke, had the background of 'she's an irredeemable brat because her father was spineless and her mother was beneficially neglectful (i.e.: you may be working to provide a better life for your child, but you're depriving them of things like nurturing and parental comfort) which resulted in them spoiling her rotten to try and balance things out'.

Just give me a throwaway line from Andrealaphus(?) when he finally debuts on the show about 'Of course mother and father loved Stella and I~ They gave us everything we could ever dream of wanting and more~! *cue him tossing away an empty glass and it hitting an imp in the head*. That's all I want.

[the-messenger-hawk]

"Fun" fact, that take about Garrus joining you because his police weren't fascist enough isn't even the most brainlet take referring to cops relating to mass effect i've seen. that goes to an article where the author outright admits to thinking brooklyn 99 is police propaganda because it shows cops doing their jobs occasionally and stopping criminals because they think all cops do in reality is drive around black neighborhoods looking for jaywalkers to shoot.

I don’t watch that show, but yeah, I absolutely believe you

Trust me, if I looked up every bit of nonsense anti-fans make up about characters like him, I wouldn’t have any braincells left to give. 

I remember in the fandom’s heyday when people went gaga over Garrus so hard i was pleading for people to show some more love to the other guys too, now I’d rather have that back :/ I distinctly remember his story calling him “one of the good guys” because he wanted to help and too many rules got in the way...

[monster-or-man]

[KICKS IN YOUR DOOR] I LOVE SO MUCH ABOUT HOW YOU WRITE ACHIM!!! Recently I've really just been loving how to write him as a businessman and villain. He's cold and calculated and knows how to play the hand he's dealt. Even when he doesn't get his way he's got such a straightforward outlook on things and I love how you write that! It takes a lot to make him stray from whatever he sets his sights on.

(Let me hug that love and affection you just gave me) But thank you so much though because like, I worry a lot about how I write Achim since he’s kinda way smarter than lil ol brainlet me so it’s reassuring that I can make that calculated and cunning personality shine through my writing!

[touchxheaven]

Got a bad roommate story i feel like telling because of recent events SO....

The year is 2017 or something and i move to Philadelphia to start a band, a year passes by and band moves in together for the sake of an easy practice space. We’re on tour in October of 2018 and bassist has a past tinder date come to a show cause it was in the area. She already confessed her LOVE for him. (this was i think their third time hanging out) He tells us he doesn’t want a relationship cause he isn’t over his ex and blah blah blah, they start dating cause that man was and always will be an idiot. She would come by our house and everyone (i live with four other people) would be cordial, friendly even.. We fucking hated her cause she only ever asked you a question so she could answer it, kinda like every washed band dude that has an interview based podcast. She was so loud and had the most annoying inflection (she’s from new jersey, the only redeeming quality of which is that it will one day be underwater) She’d fake her tastes to try and look cooler to us but it was so obvious it only evoked pity but you can’t really feel much pity for someone you don’t like, 

She’d also lie about everything else, she commented on a post in her township facebook group (great indication) to try and grandstand about handing out narcan to those in need and how she grows vegetables for her community and she lives in a house where her roommates rescue pets. (i yanked a dog off the street and a cat crawled into our house, good things to do but we wanted those animals DON’T get it twisted) I don’t know if she ate vegetables let alone was a part of a community garden (of which there are several nearby) and she certainly never touched narcan in her life (despite it being very available)  She was just a fucking assclown and we all knew it.

In the summer of 2019 we went on our longest tour to date and by day 3 she was crying on the phone begging our bassist to come home. She had zero friends (for obvious reasons) and my partner who lives with me wasn’t trying to hang out (for obvious reasons) 

We played a show in Arkansas or Alabama or something and someone from the band Thou gave us acid (thanks.) Our soon to be ex drummer (thank god, different story different day, same tour tho) and later to be ex bassist (oh look a theme) took the acid as we drove from Arkanbama to Douglasville, Georgia (that’s where The Chariot are from) where the remaining two of us slept in the parking lot, before we went to bed we noticed there where several texts and six missed calls (and counting) on our dipshit bassists phone, he was outside tripping hard and we had no intention of telling him in hopes all six or so (pathetic and fight filled) months of their relationship fell apart right then and there.

The sun shines through the fading tint of the windows in our 2003 ford van, Alex (guitar) and I wake up to see ex-drummer trying to comfort ex-bassist outside in the parking lot, someone’s crying, this is it (we think) she’s finally gonna move out and we can enjoy not tip toeing through my house to avoid that loud obnoxious south jersey loser.

Douglasville isn’t very far from Atlanta (where our next show was) so we decided to enjoy the nature of rural Georgia before the show. It was a nice day out and there were several state parks near by. Bassist spend the entire day on the phone, “We broke up.” “We’re back together.” We’re all sick of it. The show in Atlanta was a fest we shouldn’t have played as the only metalcore band on a twinkle emo fest, but the dude who booked it liked us and promised to pay us well. He didn’t even watch the set, it’s fine though, we had to deal with heart ache. Bassist really seemed like he was gonna pull the plug on things, he really fucking did, she demanded the night prior that he come home IMMEDIATELY and that just wasn’t gonna happen, there were two more days or something.

We play the remaining shows and get home, drummer is soon kicked out for something that happened on the tour, they were the only one in the band who wasn’t living with us at the time. We add our roommate Kyle on drums and a mutual friend of Alex and Bassist (who grew up together.) The point is, everyone in the band are friends now, I’m probably the most alienated cause i’m a curmudgeon but we all have a good time together, after a year and a half of me wanting to fight our drummer. 

At this point i feel like i have the hang of kicking people out of things, having evicted a guitarist prior and now our drummer from our ensemble. The final straw as this idiots roommate was her screaming about her makeup bag getting ruined in her boyfriends friends car (she left it there undoubtedly.) I think she hit him over this whole thing, I was sick of it and told everyone to get downstairs so we could tell her she has two weeks to find a new place or move home. In that whole conversation she tried to say she would stay because “squatters rights” which goes to show you how much this brainlet knows about anything. She wasn’t on the lease at all but we still allowed her to stay. I told her she would come home to all of her belongings on the street if she didn’t have a place in two weeks. I wasn’t fucking around. She ALSO tried to say she was going to keep the cat that crawled into our home prior to her moving in on the basis of “it sleeps in my room all the time” which was true but only because she closed her fucking door with it inside. I got incredibly loud with her and uh.. asserted that she didn’t want to try to take the cat that wasn’t hers out of our home.

We told dipshit bassist he didn’t have to leave but he obviously chose her over us. Which is fine I wasn’t really too fond of him as he was a spazz, funny but so fucking dumb. 

They move out together and we go on another tour, this one was ten days, not our longest but not our shortest either. First tour that wasn’t just two days together since we kicked the idiots out of our house. 

Bassist spends the entire day on the phone with her in the back of the van. We had a show seven hours away in Harrisonburg Virginia. At gas stations when we could get separation from the idiot we exchanged what we thought we heard over the phone. “Do you want me to call 911?” 

We arrive in Harrisonburgh, we’re probably an hour from playing when Bassist tells me that his girlfriend cut herself and that she’s in the hospital and he has to return home as soon as he can get a bus. Previously when she had “cut herself” while we were in Georgia I asked him if he ever saw the scars. He said no (this is because there weren’t any) So i told him what any person would and said he was being manipulated and this constitutes an abusive relationship (as if fighting and her hitting him didn’t already.) 

 I am fairly certain that if you end up in the hospital with self harm scars they don’t allow you to have contact with anyone on the outside for 72 hours, I could be wrong, but regardless this idiot was liking stupid white girl tweets the entire time, not indicative of someone who tried to take their own life because their boyfriend has been gone for ten hours. We spend the night at the house we played at, woke up, he was gone. He took his bass with him without asking us, which i understand was his property but i could have easily played the instrument while doing vocals for the remaining days, or we could have taught our second guitarist the bass parts before the next show and played as a 4 piece again. We ended up managing to get fill ins for most of the shows which was insane, performances ranged from insane to “what are you doing” but we were having way more fun without the dude.

We obviously kicked him out of the band soon after, haven’t seen him since. Felt like sharing this story as him and his stupid girlfriend got jumped last night. I smiled so fucking hard about it. 

Ex-Bassist still has 750 dollars that they owe me cause i covered their rent for months while they quit job after job because “i’m just not fulfilled here.” She still spends all day online talking about shit she has no clue about to try and seem cool for like one like per tweet, not that likes matter for shit but you just KNOW she wants them bad. Only reason I know they got jumped is cause she tweeted about it and I lurk occasionally cause obviously i have problems keeping an eye on things i wish would cease being.

Kinda pointless story but mildly amusing, might tell more stories if i’m bored enough, this has been a good time kill 

[jamiefairfaxisntcool]

/mu/core album review | Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

/mu/core album review #1

this week on /mu/core album review, we look at:

Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

Ah yes, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. The album that’s mostly known as either, “that one weird album from the 90s,” or, “/mu/ basic bitch meme music.” If you’re anywhere past a casual music fan, you have most-likely heard some songs off this project, if not the whole thing, doubly so if you’re into 90s culture, Indie, or any sort of Art-Rock or Folk movements. As I type this, the most popular YouTube rip of the album has about 4.3 million views, a playlist separating each track stands at 500,000 views, and the title track has a remarkable 40,733,956 plays on Spotify. Holy shit, to put that into perspective: AV Club writes that, “In The Aeroplane Over The Sea was originally slated to sell about 7,000 copies,” that’s roughly 5,819 times the predicted sales numbers of the album on just that song. This also means that this song has been listened to for approximately 131,163,338 minutes, a total of around 131,163,299 more minutes than the actual album length. Humanity has spent a collective 249 years listening to In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. Oh, and that’s just the title track.

If I couldn’t spell it out so clearly there, this album is fucking outrageously popular.

Even if you haven’t heard any material off the LP, this album is memed pretty heavily in the music corners of the internet. I don’t think I can find a single music meme page or forum that hasn’t jumped upon the ITAOTS or NMH bandwagon.

At this current point in time, ITAOTS has became a permanent resident in the zeitgeist of internet music culture. NMH, and by extension, it’s creator, Jeff Mangum have been elevated to a cult of personality status. The band and this project are accompanied by a never-ending choir: 15-25 year old sad white boys who cry while sing-screeching about semen and Anne Frank and poorly play open chords on their detuned Ibanez acoustics.

It’s oddly beautiful.

The album is so deceptively simple, so creatively cryptic and has all the elements of a slog faux-folk fest filled with whining that would bore me to so many tears that they could rival the sad boy indie kids who lose their e-girls to their more socially active explore-page bait counterparts. To a person not familiar with it, ITAOTS could look like an over hyped, masturbatory depression tape. It looks boring. It looks like it should be boring.

If it should be boring, then why have I only listened to it and absolutely nothing else for the last two days?

This isn’t a joke, I revisited the album of course to refresh myself before sitting down and writing this review. I kept listening, over the course of a school day, in-between production and songwriting sets, while playing games, and as I write this, I just finished my eighth spin of the record. Before those last two days, I had only listened to the album probably twice. 

I remember listening to it back in seventh grade and not particularly disliking it. I was really into Yes and a lot of other Prog and Psych bands, but I wasn’t particularly impressed with the almost yuppie voice that Jeff had used on the record compared to vocal beasts like Freddie Mercury, Bowie, and Jon Anderson. Later on, I listened in freshman year, and I appreciated it much more, and had a few songs come up in my shuffle play, but thought nothing much of it.

Now, war had changed.

part 1: i’m the fucking carrot king

As I plopped down in my computer chair, my window crackled and banged like a distant firecracker with the smack of heavy rains on a Summer afternoon. I placed my headphones firmly atop my ears, closed my eyes and leaned back in my chair. I heard the opening chords of The King of Carrot Flowers Pt. 1 and tried not just to hear the instrumentation, but also pay attention to the lyrical content of Mr. Mangum.

When you were young, you were the king of carrot flowers And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees In holy rattlesnakes that fell all around your feet

Okay, so what the fuck is actually happening here?

Upon my listens, I inferred that Jeff is speaking to another party here, most likely a female love interest, in what seemingly starts in a nostalgic tone. This sounds almost like a picturesque, coming-of-age, Americana film. Maybe one starring Molly Ringwald and River Phoenix, with a surprise cameo from someone famous back then like Jack Nicholson. Maybe John Candy, with a John Hughes script. Everything would have those faded out, classic colors, a hearkened back era. Quickly, by halfway through the first act, the tone shifts. A darker mood, a stark, grim reminder that life wasn’t always sunny and shinning in Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.

And your mom would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder And dad would throw the garbage all across the floor As we would lay and learn what each other's bodies were for

The Mang informs us of a horrific family life, specifically about what seems to be his dad’s, stepmom’s, and stepsister’s interpersonal relationships. The lines are obvious and straightforward, the life of our protagonist was rife with unhealthy familial and sexual relationships, and a sense of love and sweetness was not found there. Keep that in mind when thinking about later songs such as Oh Comely.

After the somber intro of Carrot Flowers Pt. 1, we reach my personal least favorite track on the album: The King of Carrot Flowers Pt. 2 and 3.

Look, I know the meme. “I LOOOOOOOOOVE JESUUUS CHUHRIEEEIISSSSTT,” and all that shit. I’m not even worked up about that line in particular, I just dislike Pt. 3. It’s the weakest of the upbeat songs on the album, with the weird yodel-screech voice that Gumman performs with really takes me out of the experience, which sucks because the buildup and atmosphere of Pt. 2 felt pretty amazing. Luckily, Pt. 3 is fairly short, so we don’t have to worry about it too much.

part 2: earth angel’s thesis

The title track for this album is one of the best songs on this album, no fucking contest. In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, Oh Comely, The Fool, and Two-Headed Boy Pt. 2 are top contenders when discussing this album. If you like the faster, fuzzier, upbeat songs you could probably substitute The Fool for Holland, 1945.

The title track has a familiar sounding chord progression and we can hear Gum from Jet Set Radio’s saccharine but yelp-y voice belt out from atop the mountains his undying love and admiration for... Anne Frank?

What a beautiful face I have found in this place That is circling all round the sun What a beautiful dream That could flash on the screen In a blink of an eye and be gone from me

In the first verse, Geoff mentions meeting or viewing a beautiful person on this fleeting rock circling round the Sun. He also matches this with the idea that it’s truly futile for him to chase after this beauty, as it is only a dream that could escape him when he awakes. El Jefé has actually mentioned that some of his surrealist lyrics are derived from dreams. Perhaps these lines could imply a more literal dream fading? I don’t exactly know, all I know is what I interpreted.

The instrumentation of this piece is nothing straying from NMH’s usual repertoire: Mandrake on Guitar and Vocals, Scott Spillane on the Horns, Robert Schneider on Bass and Production, Julian Koster playing... something. What is he playing? Wait, give me a second.

He’s playing the Singing Saw? I thought it was like, a Theremin. What the fuck is a Singing Saw?

Oh.

Okay sure, you can play that, however the fuck you do that.

And finally we have Jeremy Barnes on Drums.

The personnel handle the music with a light, bouncy feeling, and the tone and timbre remind me of a faded, old, seaside town on the east coast. Another thing to mention is that the chord progression is G-Em-C-D; I-vi-IV-V. A funny thing I noticed is that this song shares a chord progression with tons of songs from the 50’s and early 60’s, which adds to the waning Americana feeling, but it more specifically shares that progression with Earth Angel by The Penguins. In the 80’s film, Back To The Future, Marvin Berry covers the song with his band for the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance where Marty’s dad and mom have to dance to ensure that the future stays intact. There’s no further real connection, but I thought that was kinda cool to mention.

After looking through the lyrics for In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, I will admit, as a brainlet Two-Headed Boy Pt. 1 eluded me. Patrolling through Genius and some other reviews, I guess the consensus about this track was that it was about Anne Frank again? Manta Jeff’s cryptic lyricism continues to fool me. Besides the lyrics, this track mostly remains a piece of really good filler.

part 3: stop the military occupation of my brainwaves

The Fool is amazing, anyone who says it’s filler is wrong. I know I might anger some people by literally implying that Two-Headed Boy Pt. 1 was filler, but seriously The Fool just makes me a feel a way. My brain creates a scene reminiscent of a depressing diesel-punk Les Misérables. Even though Scotch Spillage’s fantastic piece for horns is beautifully imperfect, it lacks lyrical content and is short and length. So, let’s instead talk about Holland, 1945.

This awesome, uptempo, almost punk-like piece of fuzzy brass is groovy son. It’s probably the song you could show someone not familiar with this project and they’d be like, “Oh, is this Cake? Why is the lead singer singing so high now?”

Holland, 1945 is a song that you can just listen for the instrumentation. Holland, 1945 is a song that promotes peace and love. There’s so many great things I can say about Holland, 1945. How it’s theme is so perfectly fitting for today’s political climate, how it manages to blend these psychedelic and bluesy timbres with a fast and loud sound and how well it continued the semi-conceptual narrative of Joff’s admiration and love for... Anne Frank.

Okay, fuck it, I have to say it. It’s bothered me ever since I discovered it.

Why Anne Frank? Like, I know why Anne Frank, but I mean like, why, y’know? I’ll say I admire Anne Frank, she was trying her best to live a normal life in a terrifying time to be alive, but I never wanted to fuck her. xxJeffxx’s mentions of Anne kind of make me raise an eyebrow. Especially because the album’s not just about her either. When he gets sexual, it’s difficult to determine whether he is mentioning a third party or Anne, which would be pretty weird, as she was 15 when she died and Heff was 28 when he wrote this. Maybe this is just some patrician music shit that I’m too plebeian to understand, like heated toilet seats or drinking for fun rather than to drown the pain. Maybe I haven’t sat down and watched enough flowery-squarespace-sponsored-lofi-hip-hop-muzak-using-pretentious video essayists to understand it, but what do I know.

part 4: the proletariat cries

To wrap on the second half of the album, this is the half that I cried in.

Communist Daughter is a good song, but with how short it is, it left me wanting more. This track is one of the few that actually features a soft-spoken Jeffen, and its open and dark but dreamy atmosphere left my jaw agape. The mountaintops weren’t the only thing stained.

Oh Comely, Oh Comely. Oh Comely is a song that deserves its own review. The lyrical chops of The Mangum Magnum are on full display as he belts somber, brutal verse after verse, with plenty of juxtaposition between sickening, sexual and vile situations alongside a description of a sweet, innocent young girl, just trying to survive with a guitar by her side. This beautiful, lovely girl gets taken advantage by someone, some people, perhaps even Yeff himself, only seen as an easy lay, a whore, like the ones her father visits often. He disgustingly describes semen in the garden, and her making miracles with her mouth, but I didn’t get a tone similar to so many songs about “sexual-empowerment.” The song is about self-deprecating depression leading to her being used, perhaps even abused. A situation all too real, too close to many of us. As I type this, I don’t know what to think. A woman should of course have individual sexual freedom, but this song doesn’t describe that. It describes trauma, emotional, psychological trauma. Meaningless sex, a rotten smell, staining the flower of a woman, all of this language that could be simply described as gross. This isn’t a happy song about fucking bitches. This song is about how a girl wanted to play music, pluck vines and was taken advantage of, reduced to her roots, and deflowered. Fuck. I wish I could save her. In some sort of time machine.

Two-Headed Boy could refer to a number of things. I have a head canon. This girl, Comely, is being used by the Two-Headed Boy for sexual favors. The Two-Headed Boy then “repays” her in friendship and music, playing their silly little songs. On the surface, Comely assumes the Two-Headed Boy trusts her and cares for her, but really all he wants is sex. Comely, living in a broken home and without a proper male figure in their life, is conned by the Two-Headed Boy, and just wants to live a normal life. Comely is trapped. She’s living in a place that is surrounded by the texture of scum and she knows it, she just can’t call upon the strength to leave. She’s trapped in a home, a ghetto, wanting to live a normal life, but she’s been placed here by the Two-Headed Boy, who knew her mother and father were broken, and she would be too. The Two-Headed Boy broke in, claimed to be her friend, and supports her, before defiling her. Comely was pretty, bright, and intelligent. She was just in a bad situation.

Comely was Anne Frank.

Not to say that they were literally one in the same, but I mean J. Mangum (private eye) is comparing two children, ripped from their lives by this awful world, and intertwining them, blurring the lines.

Who’s the Two-Headed Boy? As I said, it could be a number of people. Nazis, Peter van Pels, hell, even Jeff Manga himself could be the Two-Headed Boy. It doesn’t matter as long as we realize the relationship between oppressed and oppressor.

There is a glimmer of hope for Comely though. Read the closing words from Two-Headed Boy Pt. 2:

Two headed boy, she is all you could need She will feed you tomatoes and radio wires And retire to sheets safe and clean But don't hate her when she gets up to leave

Comely and the Two-Headed Boy split away from each other. Comely leaves the Two-Headed Boy, and the narrator says not to hate her when she leaves. On a deeper level, this could be an introspective Jeff Mangum relating on his past. I don’t really know.

outro

Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

9/10

What did you think? Was I way off the mark, or do you agree? What should I have covered? What did you like, what did you dislike, I’m all ears. Leave a follow and a like if you liked it and I’ll see you on Wednesday.

[scope-dogg]

I might regret asking this but clawshrimpies?

Clawshrimpy is a notorious internet clown with a history on /m/, somethingawful, twitter and other websites besides (I think he’s on tumblr too or at least used to be.) He managed to get his own thread on Kiwifarms, the website featuring all the most notorious laughable internet personalities. He’s a real oddball but the tl;dr version in the context of that post is that he’s notorious for the same kind of “toxic masculinity” discourse, only in the context of mecha anime, going back many years. The full rundown on why he’s such a joke is a much longer exercise but I’m going to do it anyway.

He first came to infamy on /m/, which he’s now permanently banned from purely for being annoying. His favourite show was Gaogaigar because Mamoru, the child protagonist of the show, was a sensitive little boy, not like those other mecha anime with big loud paragons of “toxic masculinity.” Naturally, he disregards that most normal people who like Gaogaigar like it exactly because of its bombast grandstanding of masculine values like valour and courage, and that Guy, Gaogaigar’s badass hero pilot who is arguably exactly the kind of character that Shrimpy claims to despise, is a much more popular character than Mamoru. Goldran and especially J-Decker are much better examples of the show he claims to like but he sticks to Gaogaigar anyway, presumably because its more well-known which makes his hot takes more annoying. He claims that it’s unacceptable for nominally good characters to treat each other in any other way than wrapping each other up in cotton wool and being ultra-considerate to each other’s feelings. For instance, he claims that those scenes in Gurren Lagann where Kamina hits Simon (and later when Simon hits Rossiu) to jolt them out of despair is beyond the pale, and has even said when pressed on the issue that it would have been preferably for Kamina and Simon to let the other characters stay in their funk and accept the consequences (everyone dying in the former case, Rossiu committing suicide in the second case) rather than for them to do something mean. 

He got banned from Somethingawful when he was issued a Toxx challenge (a trial set by a mod where a user in hot water has to do something specific or else get banned) to watch Overman King Gainer (a softball Tomino series where nobody dies) and deliver his episode-by-episode commentary, but he still found it too problematic because some of the main characters aren’t 100% nice to each other all the time and bailed out of the challenge early, resulting in him getting the ban he was promised. It really begs the question of why he’s even into this genre at all when he’s so anti-conflict, given that actual and emotional conflict is the driving force of pretty much every mecha series ever released. God help him if he decided to watch something actually traumatic like Zeta or Thunderbolt or anything to do with Muv-Luv, for instance.

He’s also an infamous attention whore. I thought he was a troll for the longest time but that’s not so much the case. Trolls post bad takes to provoke anger because they think it’s funny, Shrimpy posts bad takes to provoke internet aggro so then he can turn around and play the victim and farm for pity from people who don’t know any better. It’s kind of hard to tell if the brainlet takes he posts are sincere or just intended to attract other people’s ire. He’s also attached himself like a limpet to all the most ridiculous SJW takes and talking points (he was practically jumping up and down with glee when Totalbiscuit died, for instance) and suckers up to other like-minded users to beg them for money to buy pizza with (of course, he has no job and spends all his time online.) When he first got noticed on kiwifarms he deliberately exacerbated their mockery of him by going onto the forums and flying into a petulant rage, causing an offhand mention of him in a general thread to become its own dedicated thread that’s now over 100 pages long. Of course, he probably secretly loves this because as said, he has a masochistic personality and he loves playing the victim.

The most offputting thing about him though is his apparent pedophilia. That’s a heavy accusation that I don’t want to make casually but the weight of evidence is not in his favour. You don’t have to dig too hard through his shit before posts expressing his preference for shota stuff come up, and some speculate that his love for Mamoru and Kaidou from Gaogaigar stems from his deviant tastes.

Overall he’s just a joke of an individual who’s been provoking mirth, annoyance and disgust in equal measure for a long time now. He long since passed the point where him growing up and rehabilitating himself seemed like a realistic prospect.

[justyouraverageshittyblogger]

Rant

WARNING! I AM GOING TO BE EXTREMELY ANGRY IN THIS POST, IF YOU DON’T WANT TO READ THAT JUST MOVE ALONG THANK YOU!! 

If you have any criticisms or whatnot feel free to DM me, after posting rants I’m usually calm enough to have normal conversations/debates.

If you want to just tell me how wrong I am about your precious “They did nothing wrong” Marauders without providing any factual evidence that does not involve the use of fanon, then please proceed to my household at 666 Fuck You Avenue 5 so I may personally choke you. Thank you :) you may proceed~

Just saw a comment somebody made on an anti-snape post (that was unsurprisingly in the main severus snape tag -_- fucking antis) that said something along the lines of “Omg snivellus fans need to take a fucking joke! Its just a meymey stop being so #triggered lmao” (these aren’t their exact words but the snivellus and “its just a meme” was definitely used)

And I just

1. You are literally denser than Osmium

2. Nice proving your point by using a nickname specifically made by *bullies*, thus proving how incredibly petty you are. 

Okay I went back to read the comment to fuel my anger more, and to make things better, this person didn’t use “Snivellus fans” they used “Snivellus apologists” fucking fantastic 

Have you considered that the “meymey” that was done, people might not have JUST been angry about it being in the general snape tag but also on how the fucking meme was again comparing DE’s to nazis. (Yes their beliefs are similar to nazi’s but they’re not fucking nazi’s you degenerates). 

“Omg its just a joke” ok how about this, why don’t you proceed to my household at 74 You’re A Fucking Brainlet Boulevard and I’ll punch you in the face as a joke so we can all have some laughs. Oh? Whats this? You don’t want me to punch you in the face? You’re UPSET because I punched you and you feel victimized? Isn’t that fucking ironic :[ poor you I’m so sorry that I targetted you specifically and punched you in front of dozens of people and laughed about it with my friends and proceeded to make a degrading nickname for you that will haunt you all the way to your adulthood. Poor baby :[[[[[[[

(do NOT come at me on this, the Marauders were/are bullies through and through and I have no faith that they fully changed their ways. I love them but I can at least pull my head out of my ass to see that they were mean, petty bullies that if I were going to school with them I would have no trouble being expelled by Dumbledore to throw them into the fucking lake and cackle on the sidelines as they wrestled the giant fucking squid. No Remus does not get a pass, if anything I hold more of a grudge against the people who watched me get bullied more than the bullies themselves. People who stand there and watch as something wrong happens are no better than the people doing the wrong, they’re even worse in my eyes as it just proves how pathetic, cowardly and immoral they are. I do NOT care that he was scared that they wouldn’t accept him.)

(Coming back to remus a few minutes later, fine maybe he gets somewhat of a pass. Feeling like you might not be accepted bc of something you can’t help on top of desperately wanting to please your friends is something I can relate to. I might not have the same reaction Remus did (considering I am way too fucking headstrong and stubborn) in the face of bullying, but I can somewhat understand why he did.)

[forisobel]

REVISITING HARRY POTTER, PART TWO .  .  .

following the release of the first film, the already successful harry potter series was catapulted into stardom. this fate was predicted by the almighty powers that be at warner brothers and the second installment was commissioned before ever the first film hit the box office. releasing just a year after it’s predecessor in 2002, harry potter and the chamber of secrets became the second highest-grossing film of its time. it departed from the first installment in tone, yet still captured the heart and souls of audiences worldwide. 

the chamber of secrets holds a very special place in my heart. growing up, before ever all the films and books came out, this was my favourite movie in the series. this was purely because little isobel was a pussy-ass bitch and thought this was the scariest film. though i was very, very easily spooked as a child, i still loved a good scare. i fucking know; the film ain’t scary. you’re underestimating how much of a wimp i was. please, do not @ me.

as per the standard, i’m certain you know the plot of the chamber of secrets, but i’m going to throw it down for the brainlets amongst you. at the very least, it will give you a little refresher as to what’s going down. 

following the events of the philosopher's stone, harry returns to hogwarts for his second year of wizarding education, despite being warned against it by a mysterious elf. things begin to go awry almost instantly, as a deadly rumour about a chamber of secrets arises to terrorise the students of hogwarts. it’s truth may even go so far as to threaten the morality of harry and his friends. 

warner brothers retained christopher columbus as director for this one, although only gave him 100 million u.s. fat ones to work with. for me, i think that shows a little here, although we’ll get into the exact reasons why later. 

before we go any further, i just want to reiterate something i said in my last installment. there is nothing wrong with liking something purely for nostalgic reasons. harry potter was such a massive part of my childhood that i could never bring myself to actively dislike it. as kids, we didn’t really look at films objectively. either we liked them or we didn’t, simple as. all i am attempting to with this series is look at the harry potter franchise as a set of movies and judge them based on what they are. more importantly, i’d like to examine the progression of the series and ask what turned it into a soulless, money-making machine. 

with that out of the way, here is a list of some of my many thoughts when watching this film!

dudley really was that bitch . . .

i never really thought much about dudley before. at least not until part five, when he takes up a little more screen time. but like, damn. dudley was a little pampered bitch in this one. he’s like a little baby incel! 

like , damn those voice changes . . .

octave drop was strong in this one.  

harry really is still that bitch . . . 

for fucks sake, harry! you ruined the punchline of the goddamn japanese golfer joke!

vernon should have died . . . 

i have a mini heart attack every single time i slip on a stair. how is vernon going to full on fall out of a window and not even come out with a scratch. 

why is there a prison setting on the wholesome family clock ? ? ?

if you’ve forgotten, in the weasley household there sits a sort of a clock with a hand representative of each member of the family, lil picture and all. in between school and home sits the very happy setting of prison. my question is, how many times do members of your home have to go to prison before you have to have that as a setting on you family clock. someone might want to run a few background checks on that one. 

mr weasley was fair sound in this one . . .

he's not like other dads. he's a cool dad.

what exactly was ron and harry's plan when they took the fucking car ? ? ?

dumb move. as far as i know, there is no hogwarts car park. 

i don't know if i'm really down with this new wizarding battle bots . . .

aren’t there health and safety precautions in this school that would prevent teachers from using students as human beyblades?

some of the line delivery is still a little shaky . . .

it is clear by this point the radcliffe, grint and watson were all beginning to become more comfortable in their roles. however, this doesn’t prevent some of the line delivery from being a little off. though set in a fictional world, there is still supposed to be an air of realism to it. some lines are given as though they’re part of a theatre production, somewhat exaggerated, cartoonish even, and loud. 

wizard plumbers ? ? ?

so, like, if wizards have plumbing, there be wizard plumbers?

why didn't myrtle say anything to begin with ? ? ?

myrtle must have known, to a degree, what harry, ron and hermoine were up to, so why did she have to wait until the very last minute to tell the lads how she died? i know she was never asked, but it seems like she could have cleared this whole thing up very quickly if she had just said something.

gilderoy really was a little bitch . . . 

what did he think harry and ron were actually going to do? just because two twelve year olds are holding their wands at you, doesn’t me you cant cast your little spell. by default he should be a lot stronger than both of them combined. there is no reason why he should have gone with them.

why did the lads need to bring gilderoy ? ? ?

carrying on from the last point, why did harry and ron even feel the need to bring gilderoy with them? they knew he wasn’t going to offer them any help and was more than likely going to be a hindrance to them. for ron, his top priority should have been getting his sister back. why would he want to bring gilderoy along them, especially when he knew he was utterly useless? and in the end, he didn’t even play a massive role when they got into the chamber anyway. there were are a million and one reasons why the ceiling might have caved in; gilderoy did not need to be there for that to happen. 

i don't really like some of the shots . . . 

there are two point of view shots once we actually get into the chamber that i really don’t like to much. they’re both done in shaky cam, last only a few seconds and are really detached from the rest of the film. they just don’t feel right in combination with the rest of the film’s shots. 

fairly convenient about the old rocks . . .

lucky they didn’t come down on someone’s head and kill a bitch, and fall perfectly as so ron and harry can still see one another. it also forms a thin enough wall as so ron can easily shift them to make some space to get through. 

ginny must be a ridiculously strong witch . . . 

i never really understood tom riddle’s whole thing about how as ginny grows weaker, i grow stronger. ginny is eleven, riddle is voldemort. why is her strength enough to revive him. must be one strong ass witch.

harry should have died . . . 

this snake dumb as fuck that he can’t kill harry. even if the basilisk can’t kill harry itself, he got one of its big as fuck teeth stuck in his arm, before proceeding to pull it out. that would have done major damage to some arteries and he should have died of blood loss. and that’s not even touching the whole poison thing. 

why did the basilisk die from one stab wound . . .

i know it was a stab to the brain, but it’s a mythical creature! shouldn’t it have a thick, strong skull or some shit? how is it just gonna die like that?

fawks is a strong ass bird . . .

fawks must be really, really hench if he can fly harry, ron, ginny and gilderoy out of the chamber, all at once. also, ron, harry and ginny must all have really good upper body strength that they’re able to hang on for that long. 

how you gonna go and cancel exams like that ? ? ?

from what i can remember, the wizarding education system is exactly the same as the english education system, meaning there should be the equivalent of state exams about to go down. how is dumbledoor going to go and cancel those? or do those students not deserve a school treat.

in rewatching this film, i was genuinely shocked by what little impact it had on me. i had felt so nostalgic watching the philosopher's stone and i was waiting to feel the same, perhaps even more so, about this one. but i just didn’t. funnily enough, i don’t think this one even ages that well. the rush to get this one out shows. production isn’t as good and the cgi really isn’t either. as i mentioned previously, the smaller budget plays a huge part in this, even though it was only cut by a small fraction.

if you visit the rotten tomatoes page for this film, you might not that the website proclaims it to be “certified fresh”. however, the reviews are actually quite lacklustre, particularly those coming from the audience. rotten tomatoes’ top critic, micheal agger, harshly opens his review with two down, presumably five to go, and already the franchise is entering dangerous territory: if you aren't one of the many who know their harry potter chapter and verse, prepare for a nap. not all reviews are so blatantly negative. more commonly you see an almost universal meh. wall street journal writer, joe morgenstern, writes this new harry potter has its flaws, but it's better, as well as darker, than the first. meanwhile, audience reviewer, chris weber, writes while not a terrible movie, this one is probably my least favorite and the most forgettable. it's more faithful than the previous film, but that's not entirely a good thing, as this one really drags, and, at this point, it's not quite necessary yet since the books didn't start getting really detailed, ambitious, and overblown until part 4. the general response to this film is bland and pointedly marked with indifference. seeing as the harry potter series is regularly praised as a collective, i find this response particularly interesting.

this might seem a little bit strange to say, and even as i am writing i am second guessing myself, but there is a certain degree of instability to the storyline. j. k. rowling was propelled into stardom following the success of the philosopher’s stone. its something that she probably never anticipated nor prepared for and i think this shows a little bit in her storyline. the chamber of secrets is clearly not a carbon copy of its predecessor, particularly through the first and second act. however, it bothers me a little that the climax of both stories involve harry facing a weakened voldemort in a chamber below the school. of course the the tone is different in this one; you truly get a sense that harry’s morality and the threat of death is far more real. this really isn’t a big issue, it is simply just me being a little bit nit picky. however, i can’t help but feel that this maybe highlights a sort insecurity of rowling’s with this story. it seems a little like she was trying to stick to what she already knew audiences enjoyed. i’m probably reading far too much into this; it’s just something i thought might be interesting to note. 

all in all, i was disappointed by what i found in my return to this film. it wasn’t really nostalgic at all, even despite it being one of my favourite films in my childhood. that’s why it pains me so much to only give it a four out of ten. it isn’t so much that it’s an awful film as much as it is disappointing. not neccessarily in regards to execution, but in regards to my own standards. i can completely see why someone would truly get enjoyment out of rewatching this film but, like i said previously, i don’t really know how much someone would get out of it if they didn’t watch it in their childhood. it’s the kind of film you would watch only if you were doing a harry potter marathon, not because you selected it individually. 

next month i will return to the wizarding world, for real this time, to rewatch the prisoner of azkaban. in the meantime, i have a load of content planned for you, not that you bot account followers car, amiright lads? also, no, that does not include the hold the dark i previously promised. we’re going to forget about that, yeah? anyways, until next time!