#he’s actually my valentine he just doesn’t know it but i called dibs sorry :3

[p3achslimes]

happy valentines day everyone here’s one of my favorite charlie edits <3

[thatdamnokie]

so, as everybody knows, our man, the lovely mark strong, turned 57 this past august 5th

since the kingsman films have had a huge influence on several aspects of my day-to-day life (gee, wonder what group of people i could be referring to...), i decided to sit down and do something i’ve been thinking about since getting my medical card earlier this year: getting high as a kite and watching them back-to-back.

to celebrate mark’s birthday, i decided to do another running commentary post like the one i did for rocknrolla ages ago, under the cut. it’s a pretty similar style, which is to say not necessarily super coherent and might be hard to understand if you’ve never seen the movies. D:

there are some mentions of the roanoke society, but not many.

if even just one person finds this mildly entertaining for four seconds, then i’ll have done my job. there is a lot of cursing and this is NOT spoiler-free.

enjoy~

edited 9.1.20 to correct typos and such, please remember that i was Not Sober while i wrote this lmao

how many times have i watched these movies at this point? i don’t even know.  

i always liked the nifty like—retro arcade marv opening animation

and the thing with the tapes! we love book-ending devices!

kingsman: badass motherfuckers worldwide incorporated

like why was merlin even with them? i understand why lee and james would be there, but merlin, was he not acting quartermaster then?

i have SO MANY FEELINGS about lee unwin

i think it haunts harry and merlin more than anyone thinks, but these are fun spy movies so we just don’t talk about trauma and shit, don’tcha know

don’t look at how merlin tears up and tell me he doesn’t drink about it *HEAVILY* later

it’s such a stark contrast to see the 1990s interior vs. what it’s like when eggsy’s grown :(

michelle baby i’m so sorry. you deserved better than this.

and BABY EGGSY

omg. like this scene is both heartbreaking but is also adorable.

colin firth has gd anime legs, that dude had to straight up unfold himself as he stood up lmao

aaannnnd swooping logo, whooooo, goin’ over some mountains~

and mark hamill, ladies and gentlemen!

this whole thing with james deciding to kinda go rogue makes me wish that we knew more about his backstory as well. like, is this james being james, or was this a weird one-off situation and he was just unlucky?

YES unlucky. nobody could plan for the hurricane of sleek destruction that is gazelle

who has one of my favorite aesthetic designs as a villain (although i guess i’d put her more on maybe henchman level? but idk, it seems like valentine looked at her more as a partner, less like an assistant? and they had a very interesting chemistry together too, like i would’ve added more valentine x gazelle scenes)

i would LOVE to be this chill about just—draping blankies over bodies

blankies over bodies sounds like a cool band name

DIBS you guys can’t have it

i am SO GLAD samuel l. jackson gave valentine a lisp!

valentine, to me, does fit a lot of the usual spy movie villain tropes

but since this movie doesn’t take itself super serious, it’s more fun than annoying

and we never hear about any of the other knights?? like

half of this is just gonna be me whining for additional footage that there just wouldn’t have been room for realistically lmao

michael caine, you are lovely

MARK STRONG, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN

WITH LEGS THAT DON’T QUIT AND AN ACCENT THAT I’D DIE FOR

i’m an embarrassment

like let’s all stop and thank god that mark didn’t have time to learn the welsh accent

not that i would’ve been disappointed, because all accents are good accents on this blog

but at this point i can’t imagine merlin as—not scottish

“try picking a more suitable candidate this time”

arthur you DICK

like were you this cold-blooded when lee died, you fuckin’ reptilian-ass son of a bitch

no wonder you were charlie’s pledge person thing

and enter the fabulous taron egerton, stage left!

DEAN you are DISGUSTING

god, michelle, you need better friends, if you were my bro this entire relationship would’ve never happened

;-; and eggsy’s so sweet with his sister! i know there probably wasn’t “room” for it but i AM glad that there are scenes showing that family is one of eggsy’s kinda “core values”or whatever you want to call it

dude is a hufflepuff through and through imo

can you imagine eggsy as a villain? we would be so fucked. he’s sly, he’s smart, he could’ve made life v e r y difficult for lots of people if he really wanted to

but look at him with the squad!

eggsy’s just like the british version of a good ol’ boy

this car scene is some dukes of hazzard bullshit (ramp-jumping and fun car horn aside)

if butterflies are harry’s main symbolic critter, would foxes be eggsy’s? or would it be a pug instead? i guess that’s like asking if harry would be either a butterfly or a cairn terrier, like mr. pickle. let’s say both.

this fandom is pretty on top of character associations like that

you get symbolic associations! YOU get symbolic associations! EVERYONE gets symbolic associations whether they’re actually in the canon or not! don’t have any? don’t worry, we’ll assign you at least one!

the guy playing the interviewing officer is ALSO the patriarch in the witch which i didn’t realize until—like, a while after

and it was while @circlesofbone​ was visiting, and we were just “oh, okay, guess we can’t escape this cast at all, this is fine”

“your father saved my life.”

harry you’re such a fucking peacock, waiting all posted up and posing so you’ll look cool

you big doofus

i’d kill to be inside his head during this first conversation with eggsy though

like is eggsy like lee? is harry seeing lee the entire time he’s talking to his son, in his mannerisms, how he carries himself, how he speaks?

or is eggsy the opposite? which—i don’t know if that would somehow be sadder?

there’s just a lot going on in the background of this bit that’s left up to interpretation

“although i’m sure it’s well-founded—“

harry’s just so casual about this entire thing, nobody’s that casual without practice

harry you rabble-rouser, what kind of life have you led

“manners. maketh. man.”

our timeless motto, my flowers

kingsman STILL to this DAY has some of the most well-choreographed fight scenes i’ve ever seen??

like yeah the church scene but even just this initial bar fight

harry could’ve been a dancer

in a way i guess he already is

like he moves so fluidly and gracefully, it is BONKERS

colin you did so good! i’m so proud!

the way eggsy’s just O.O

whether or not you ship hartwin, like, you gotta admit, that was hot

and his BODY LANGUAGE, he’s sitting like RAMROD straight, this poor dude lmao

nobody prepares you for a situation like that in public school is all i’m saying

harry, exiting stage left like a suave, smooth motherfucker

remember when iggy azalea was relevant

ugghhhh i hate this part

“I WASN’T WITH NO ONE”

can you imagine being harry hart listening to your dead friend’s son getting the shit beat out of him

like, surely he heard the cleaver, he knows dean was going to fucking gut eggsy right?

listen to how cold and icy his voice gets, oof

yeah, he’s pissed, and dean is lucky

PARKOUR

ugh, i want to go to london ;-; i want to walk in front of the shop and visit harry’s house and kiss cute english boys

i’d like to think harry’s super excited to show eggsy everything but he’s gotta keep it dialed back because “decorum”

the way eggsy pauses though

“come on.”

and he says it so softly.

if i was eggsy, i’d be nervous, too.

but i didn’t realize how quickly harry tries to give off signals like “hey there’s no reason to be scared.”

“like my fair lady?” “well, you’re full of surprises.” <3 one of my favorite sceneeesss.

harry’s voice is so soothing but eggsy is so freaked out by the elevator that he’s just—there’s no room for anything else beyond processing the elevator lmao

“how deep does this fucking thing go?” asking the real questions

aannnddd KINGSMAN BULLET TRAIN

i’d like to think they have like soft jazz or something playing in there

and then they get to the hangar and there are obviously a buuuuunch of people out on the tarmac that we just—never hear about? i just assume they’re all like technical officers or maybe other agents

“your father had the same look on his face. … as did i.”

harry is already rooting for him.

“late again, sir.”

that. brogue.

fuck, i could listen to him talk for hours, scottish accents are my favorite thing

#squadgoals

not a very diverse cast :/

the body bag speeeeech

and of course nobody was in any actual danger, but merlin doesn’t want them to know that so he becomes mr. hard as steel, i am emotionally stoic at all times, do not test me you bunch of rugrats

“classic army technique.”

ROXY

ROXY I WANT TO JUST HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS TT.TT

aannnnddd charlie, also

who we might’ve found sympathy for if we knew aaannyytthiinnggg else about his backstory

like, could he just be Like That, yeah

but most people i know who are assholes like that are that way because their parents were first /shrug/

can hardly fault the dude for turning out like that when poison was all he was given to drink

anyone else a hundred percent positive they would’ve drowned in the first trial

i would absolutely have panicked and bit it

but then again, i’m not kingsman material, i’m roanoke

and if this is the exact same test that merlin and harry went through, does that mean there might be some weird drowning trauma hidden back in there that’s just ANOTHER thing we’re not gonna talk about?

(yes the correct answer is yes)

god that’s such an american response to the problem though

glass can’t cause problems if it’s in a million pieces!

“yeah you can wipe those smirks off your faces…”

i wonder if there was ever a situation where a trainee actually drowned

and i don’t mean like amelia, i mean some poor kid who just failed the test

merlin knows how to put the fear of god in people though!

and mark strong, very handsome, yes, very scary, also yes

he and colin both look like they’re 80 percent leg in every single scene

harry literally had brain matter smatter ALL OVER HIS FACE and still somehow had the mental facilities to be aware of those dudes, leave a bomb and dive out of a window (and then escape said dudes)

billy badass, y’all

“just get it done.” okay, i took back what i said earlier, maybe he does see her as more of an assistant, less than a partner. their relationship is weird.

the puppy scene!

“it’s a bulldog innit?”

YASSSS the golden trio

because of what happened with our other canon charlie has become a weird character for me to watch, like, yeah, i “watch” charlie be himself in tss but the charlie i “see” is like—”our” charlie.

“bollocks!” and then he just runs with jb in his vest, makes me smile

aannddd we see valentine’s super cool factory

harry your hair gets so long <3

“water!” wow, who wants to bet that the fact he was instantly screaming means that maybe he’s gonna have some stuff to talk about in therapy later

roxy baby i’m sorry they made you hold the balloon and have to trust these dumbasses to not shoot you on accident

i would trust roxy to not shoot me

i love, love love valentine’s house

it’s gorgeous

set design is always such a cool way for filmmakers to include details about a character using pure aesthetics and i’m such a slut for it

tilde!

see also: one of the characters done the WORST by these movies imo!

the fact that she not only says no, she says no with enthusiasm and gets blatantly pissed, is one of the best insights we get into tilde’s character and then it just—gets wasted

like it takes three steps and then gets mowed down in the hallway like her guards

i would never be given the opportunity to be asked if i wanted an implant but i draw the line at having stuff put into my neck

awwww harry’s so proud!

that finger point “yeah, see, be more like your uncle”

merlin is SO TALL

“a bit much innit?”

he’s just—tapping a normal clipboard

… nobody wanna talk about how that’s a normal clipboard

anyway

i also love how they show him in professor sweaters for the beginning acts of the movie

definitely a softer aesthetic than one would guess for a dude who apparently did field missions sometime within the past decade or so, but i also have a theory that lee’s death directly contributed to merlin maybe being the man behind the screen as opposed to afield

because trauma is a thing but this is a FUN movie so we’re NOT gonna talk about it

“you’re gonna be all right. you’re top of the class!” this was the scene that made my mom a reggsy shipper

regardless of how you feel about them as a couple, their friendship is one of the best things about this movie, along with their dynamic with charlie, asjdnaskdjna WHY could we not have had a trio movie instead

eggsy you show-off “lemme just throw my arms up and dip outta this plane like it’s not a big deal”

roxy you can do it!

ugh, there goes my baby, off to have a near-death experience under merlin’s immediate supervision lmao

“good girl, rox, glad you made it!”

guys, they’re just kids.

i love this big group scene because it reminds us that these are just young folks, still

“my, my, you’re all very cheerful...”

“rufus, come on!” dude eggsy—and not even just eggsy, charlie and rox too--at least made an attempt at teamwork. you get points for that bro

but man, for all they know, they’re about to beef it in a very permanent way, i’d be freaking out too

merlin getting caught up in the drama

because again, he’s supposed to know that eggsy has a parachute

i think he wasn’t prepared for these two to get that close to not making it and that’s why we see him break face and drop his mug

*WHAM*

i HATE the sound of them landing

it’s not like you can hear bones breaking but it hurts me, guys

and then there were three

plus one daddy long legs quartermaster

“if you have a complaint you come here and you whisper it in my ear.”

yes SIR

“you need to take that chip off your shoulder.”

merlin coming’ in with the tough love portion of the kingsman core squad

there’s no reason for me to think harry’s persona was inspired by cruella de ville somehow but i do anyway

she reveals the mcdonald’s and valentine is just :D

idk if he was expecting a specific reaction or was just excited to see a reaction period

valentine is definitely a fun villain, which, given the tone of the movie, makes sense, it’s all supposed to be fun

one of the reasons i love kingsman is that it’s like, this golden ray of goofy cinematic fuckery in a world of grim!dark remakes and other superhero/spy films who are presented as more serious stories

“and thank you for such a—happy, meal.”

harry got a puppy smile

but see, then, here at his house he’s a lot more relaxed with gazelle! like, patting her butt, etc.

maybe what we see of their relationship is dependent on setting, because valentine himself has it compartmentalized?

perrrrrrhaps

“and i am never, EVER GOING TO AGREE!”

tilde, you deserved better, and i think all the weird hate you get from our ohana is unfair

you don’t twist a runner’s ankle before the race starts and then get mad when they don’t win

your story was mishandled from the beginning

asmr: hanging out with the golden trio watching worrying news in the kingsman trainee bunker room

the way he says “biblical sense” lmao

i have never been able to figure out if the way he says that line is supposed to infer spiritual respect, or lack of it, but i might be looking too into it

“it’s an acquired taste, mate.”

what—what would you even do if you were at a club and three people as hot as taron, ed and sophie all came up and start talking to you at the same time

like i know the target got up and left pretty quick because of the training exercise

but i’d be doing it because i’m ugly and if three hot people are all talking me up at a bar something is Bad and Wrong

which—the CAHONES on both eggsy and roxy

they both literally said “yeah i’m willing to die for this organization that hasn’t even given me a permanent place yet, what of it”

look at harry’s dimples in this scene, he is fighting a huge grin, he’s SO PROUD

i know that charlie’s response is supposed to be just more fodder into the “charlie hesketh is a tool” fire

but given that i’m not unconvinced that his home life wasn’t super shitty, like—

idk, this makes this scene a lot less fun to me. it makes it sad.

like, maybe charlie didn’t even want to be there deep down, maybe this was all for like, arthur, or his dad, or some other person he looked up to

and the way merlin looks when he tells charlie to go home, the way that he’s kinda grimacing? i’m wondering if he’s along the same kind of feeling. he’d know more about charlie’s history

have i also mentioned how much i love harry’s war room?

“YES harry!”

an evil plan is being born!

“true nobility is being superior to your former self.”

eggsy is still in his club clothes, so like—has he slept? y’all let those kids sleep after fucking drugging them, right? … guys?

“—when one is popping ones cherry.”

and eggsy is just CHEESING he is SO EXCITED

am i the only one who wants to learn more about the store clerk guy though?

he’s like the one person around who’s legit just there to run the shop

has no idea about any of the spy stuff happening

his name is donald, he’s married with three children and has two spaniels he loves

“THAT is sick.”

i would KILL for this room.

i don’t need anything in here for any reason but still

foreshadowing, foreshadowing, foreshadowing, more foreshadowing—

harry is such a NERD

“put it back, eggsy.”

the amount of self-control it would take to not have a sudden change in expression in that moment, omg

i wonder how THAT gets trained up in kingsman

“i guarantee it.” ha, get it, it’s a reference to that one commercial

“y’all—talk so funny.”

and this all means that they had a contact at that hat shop and got all that info to them before valentine got there, and somehow made sure he did end up buying a hat that they could also successfully put a bug on, how deep does this goooooo

“jack bauer?”

it says a lot about eggsy that out of all the jb’s it could’ve been, it was jack

uggghhhhhh of course they HAD to do this scene with eggsy with arthur

obviously harry couldn’t do it

i just think most of us would NOT be fans of arthur at this point in the movie, we’re all rooting for eggsy, like, he needs this moment with this other character because we gotta drive home that he’s an asshole

also—would have absolutely failed that test

and i’m not sorry at all

“welcome to kingsman--lancelot.”

i was really happy that it was a female agent who ended up getting the handle

aannddd more echoes of past scenes, man, nobody can say that this crew wasn’t intentional with their cinematography

when eggsy rolls the window down you can see his chest moving up and down, like, he is MAD

dean you asshole

so no wonder he gets so pissed that the car suddenly decides “nope, no, we’re not doing this, c’mon”

this entire conversation at harry’s house is—tense

and you don’t pick up on it the first time, i don’t think, but uh

i’m seeing it now

harry’s not just mad, he’s hurt, and eggsy’s furious but he’s also maybe regretting his actions.

it’s these two men who are rapidly trying to figure out their headspaces and trying to figure out how to navigate this situation with each other

and the way eggsy tries to apologize ;-;

kentucky is a beautiful state, actually

ohhhhhh y’alllll

we’re at the churrrccchhhh

we’re gettin’ closer to the coolest part of the movieeeee

it’s telling that gazelle was trying to make sure that they’d be safe

“… so hail satan, and have a lovely afternoon madame.”

the most metal lines colin firth has ever uttered on camera

the siren noise after it’s switched on bothers me in a way i can’t quite articulate

it might be because i have silent hill-colored trauma, who knows

FREEEEEE

BIIIRRRDDDDDDD

THE GREATEST ACTION TRACKING SHOT IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA

but then eggsy and merlin are reacting aaaanndddd it’s—a lot less fun

because you realize that they’re watching their bro mercilessly slaughter innocent people and not stopping

and still not stopping

and still not stopping

but plot twist, i’m really glad they kept the track going, because if they’d suddenly picked *this* part of the scene to get serious, that would’ve brought the mood down so low that i don’t think there would’ve been any bouncing back

i just

how do people exist who aren’t attracted to harry hart

that man is a machine

and colin worked so hard to be able to do the scene himself, and that work SHOWS, that man cuts a FIGURE

i don’t know how they managed to somber it up just the right amount, either? maybe because they waited for the “fun action sequence” to be over so there wouldn’t need to be noise that had to be masked by a fun rock track?

“… what did you do to me.”

i cannot imagine what harry was feeling in that moment.

the way he spoke it was like he didn’t even have time to be afraid to die

“that tends to happen when you shoot somebody in the head. feels good, right?”

“no, it does not feel good!”

i love that exchange because we normally hear the opposite.

also—whiplash.

mark has this way of expressing grief without showing any—blatant signs.

like merlin’s not especially tearful, or crying, but his eyes look MASSIVE. and SAD. and he has just the tiiiiiniest tremor in his voice.

and eggsy, dude, like, we’ve all had it come on us really quick and suddenly it’s like your chest is pumping like a piston and when did it get so hard to breathe?

ARTHUR you REPULSE me

like look at how egssy’s shoulders sag when he realizes that arthur isn’t on his team

and in a way, this is eggsy’s final test as a kingsman trainee, imo

do you realize how quickly he had to assess what was happening and figure out what to do, all without arthur noticing?

“you are all alone. it is all up to you. remember all you have learned. good luck.”

it’s a very—almost horror-esque situation from that pov

and he passed with flying colors to go on his first true mission, because after he puts on the suit, that’s his visual cue of graduating, if that makes sense

that’s the knight putting on his armor.

“i’d rather be with harry. thanks.”

“so be it.”

*click*

me: *laughing at arthur’s big dumb stupid head*

… man i’d love a replica of that decanter and glasses set though

not to mention that eggsy recognized the flaws in arthur’s character and weaponized them, which is a whole other level of shit that isn’t necessarily easy; he knew that arthur carried the kind of pride that would leave him open

god, he looks so exhausted though when rox has him at gunpoint.

i think he was being pretty serious, about harry

sick helipaaaaaaad

that thing looks vaguely like a rock-‘em sock-‘em robot but in pieces though

more grandpa sweaters <3

man. you can see roxy swallow, you know she’s scared, but then she just sets her jaw and—

roxy baby you are the best i love you

i like the vintage vibe of the mountain lair

i think that’s another visual poke at the aesthetic themes of some of the older, og spy flicks out there

merlin looks SO LANKY walking back to the plane for some reason??

he stays until the last second for roxy. that’s love right there.

“a bespoke suit always fits.”

which can be good spiritual life advice too but that’s a separate conversation

“what the fuck is WRONG with you people?”

and his fuckin’ disco ball

uuggggghhhhh his speech reminds me of so many… “public figures” that i dislike

even though it’s obviously a bad thing that the chips are everywhere, i appreciate that phones and such are being shown in a positive manner (like, michelle talking to someone in the park, people at a ball game taking selfies, people at the beach, etc.) because i get so sick of that anti-tech boomer humor tbh

and the big reveal of eggsy in his suitttt

A KNIGHT IS BORN

“how’s the view?”

“hideous.”

you’re allowed to be crabby baby, you just let it out.

“lookin’ good, eggsy.”

“feelin’ good, merlin.”

merlin is so calm heading into the fortress and i don’t know if it’s because he’s very, very good at compartmentalizing and that’s genuinely how he is at the moment or if he’s that way through extreme self-control and effort

he can rock a pilot’s uniform though

just like eggsy can rock a suit

they’re both so handsome, help

i also wonder how eggsy’s feeling right then

like, i’d imagine that the pressure of having to perform a role to literally save the world would be enough to distract him from the bite of grief

that’s—probably enough to distract everyone, tbh

i a hundred percent believe there are breakdowns we don’t see

i wonder if eggsy told tilde he’d spoken to lindstrum(sp?) after everything was said and done

like, that’d be some kind of weird foreshadowing in hindsight

this scene is anxiety-inducing in a big way so to distract myself i imagine roxy as a mech pilot

dude i’d totally watch sophie in a role like that, like, let her be in a movie like pacific rim, she’d kick ass

and now we have The Chaos

otherwise known as that point when Everything Is Happening All At Once All The Time

also a thing that doesn’t exist in spy movies: hearing damage

because like his voice is right in eggsy’s ear and without it he’d have a LOT harder time surviving

imagine being an agent, merlin trying to talk to you, but something either hits your ear or goes off right next to it and suddenly it’s just silent

SYSTEM FAILURE

YAAASSSSS

WE WIN

GGOOOAAAAALLLLLL

THE AUDIENCE IS DOING THE WAVE

except JUST KIDDING

The Chaos 2 Electric Boogaloo!

merlin with a huge gun: hot, also, very scary

eggsy is just 10000% done

“this is mine. i’ll show you yours.”

i wonder who e man was supposed to be that valentine called.

like is that a reference to a real person that i just did’t catch?

… elon musk? maybe? idk

eggsy slides like a gd anime character

when he uses the rainmaker, it’s just like harry’s protecting him from somewhere else

(oh—wait, technically kentucky, i guess)

“merlin, i’m fucked.” you can hear the anger there. not only did he fail, but he—and everyone else—is about to die

but this? this is the pinnacle of eggsy showing himself as a kingman agent

he was staring death straight in the mouth and STILL

SOMEHOW

REMEMBERED THE IMPLANTS

so i guess if i say that the moment when he puts on the suit is when he becomes a true agent, then maybe this is the moment when he becomes galahad.

*bobs head to pomp & circumstance*

i remember getting a huge kick out of how colorful they made this

because in real life you know a bunch of people literally blowing up would be like—DISGUSTING

viscera everywhere

no fun rainbow mushroom clouds

“i’ve always wanted to kiss a princess.”

ANOTHER knight reference, very clever matthew

mmmmm Do Not Like that noise

aaaannndddd *that* line

which—maybe that’s mr. vaughn’s sense of humor, or what he thinks the sense of humor his core demographic has, idk

but it always kinda rubbed me the wrong way

the mass brawl scenes are edited so like--jarringly compared to the other fight scenes in the movie

that’s probably for a reason

also, a showdown to the tune of something disco: kind of another trope homage

this shot of gazelle is so sick, i love everything about it, she is so cool

this entire fight with eggsy is awesome tbh

we got a little bit of what gazelle can look like in combat earlier with tilde’s guards, but now we get this epic showdown seeing her at her full potential against someone who’s actually a challenge

and the way valentine is shouting for her to kick his ass from upstairs and yelling encouragement lmao that’s how real friends act when there’s a fight

daisy ;-; ugh, that’s the visual gutpunch that makes it juuuuuust serious enough by reminding us of the stakes

which is why it’s fitting that then we see the Slo-Mo K.O.

and that smile with the fun little chimes in the back, lmao

and eggsy, quick on his feet again byyyy being quick on gazelle’s feet—foot—whatever

man, impalement deaths are always fun.

coulda done without the vomiting but that’s also one of valentine’s quirks that makes him different from a cookie cutter villain

aaannddd have a heavy sigh from merlin

that dude needs a full-body massage and a drink

“is this where you say some really bad pun?”

reminder: i love that this movie is self-aware! i could not picture a super serious kingsman movie! i just picture something depressing!

there had to have been a better option besides—this, for this eggsy/tilde ending scene

i’m not saying i’m mad it ended with them fucking, i’m mad that the extent of the joke was anal and that was it.

also the idea of my boss possibly seeing me having sex would have me a little more concerned about the hardware on my face, but okay??

aannddd the tapes.

gah, we love visual throwbacks!

we love being able to see that despite all this growth and change, family remains very important to eggsy—he hasn’t changed into a different person, he has grown more into himself than ever before! THIS! THIS is eggsy unwin!

… GET READY FOR IT

time for tgc! (and to get into my roanoke feels, maybe, this is the nexus where our canons connect)

the BAGPIPES

okay

i did not stop to consider how unpleasant this was going to be to watch stoned but we’re gonna power through it and get through it together

if i cry i cry

the way the music swells into the main theme <3

and the perfect reveal for our boy eggsy!

reflected in gold, looking sharper than broken glass

and SUDDENLY CHARLIE

the pacing in tgc leads me to believe that matthew had huge plans for this movie, and a lot of cool stuff probably ended up on the cutting room floor for time

i also love that they brought charlie back

i love his voice box and his cool robot arm

and i’m not just saying that because it made it super easy to blend him into our canon, either, this is like—charlie’s evil twin in terms of his new aesthetic, the contrast is really cool

YYAASSSS THIS SCENE

WITH PRINCE PLAYING??

*CHEF’S KISS*

like we are IMMEDIATELY thrown back into the gold parts of it all, like how physics is a little broken so we can do cool shit like have a knockdown drag-out fight all within the space of a small cab

i wonder what would’ve hurt charlie worse—being thrown onto his organic side, or having all his weight land on his metal arm if it hadn’t disattached

but then he’s up and standing so i guess we’re fine?

MERLIN! <3

otherwise known as the character entrance that literally changed my life

i try not to think about it too much or i get weirded out

ANYWAY

(and to think i almost never even saw the movie)

Sick Car Chase, Bro

and as an american, like, everything’s on the opposite side to me, it’s stressful to watch a little bit

“i seem to remember in your training you were rather good at holding your breath.”

man, that’s uh—kind of a macabre thing to say, merlin

just a little bit

i’m not even gonna attempt to hold my breath to see if i’d survive this scene just assume i’m dead in that universe

we all live in a kingsman subarmine, a kingsman submarine, a kingsman submarine~~

“not boasting, but i trained him well enough that even he wouldn't mess that up.”

merlin are you okay??

gah, i love that chest-deep laugh though.

is it real love if they won’t crawl through the sewer to get to your house in time

i love that harry’s house looks basically the same

i know they talk about eggsy not wanting to change anything in the novelization but i haven’t read it yet so I’m not a hundred percent sure what all is in there

and we still get to see him hanging with his friends, and his girlfriend, like, this dude is still all about the family

“wwwwOOOOO!”

i love this group so much omg

for as much as he’s galahad, he’s still eggsy

the transition in the weed bag looks super cool

… oh, i guess watching this while high makes the main storyline hit a bit different

welp

i love that poppy is an aesthetic slut and really doesn’t give a shit about anyone’s opinion about how she makes her space

like, “i want a big 50s-style diner with a gourmet kitchen that i can cook people in, soooooo i’m getting one”

it’s also refreshing to see julianne moore in a bad guy role!

not that i’m super familiar with her filmography but i feel like i’ve mostly seen her cast as like a good guy?

i could be wrong

awwwww jet and bennie!

there’s so much to love about this set

cannibalism and the fact that she bulldozed jungle to build all this aside (suspend that belief!)

the breakfast sceeeeeene

it’s so bittersweet, for obvious reasons

and it’s more evidence that he’s not super ready to move on into new territory yet, like making new memories with tilde that ring close to home

“i wish i could have met him.”

and the way he has to turn away, ugh.

eggsy. i’m sorry.

tilde, i’m sorry, too. you had good intentions, but they lost against his pain.

michael gambdon! the new arthur we didn’t know we wanted until we got him.

charlie had a moral glo-down, it’s fine, happens to everybody

FFFFFF his imitation of merlin lmfao

man, poor charlie, like

you wake up, you can’t make a sound, your arm has been blown off and your family’s dead

like his reaction to that entire scenario isn’t entirely unrealistic, i’m just saying

also LOOK AT ROX

omg everyone in this movie can wear the FUCK out of suit, y’all

man, i’ve gotten a few tattoos that were exquisitely painful—i can’t imagine how much it would suck to do it with literal molten metal

dude this means clara laid on her stomach and probably screamed at the floor as she got hers D:

this kinda—riffs off of hannibal, a teeny-tiny bit

like we’re so overloaded with the aesthetics and behavior of a certain character so it’s like, we forget about the much darker parts untillllll there’s a mood change and we’re looking at that dude’s legs, to the burger this other dude puts in his mouth, and thinking “oh, oh dear, ew”

i love eggsy in the orange jacket <3 snaps for the wardrobe crew across this series.

tilde’s face, omg, she was heart-eyeing so bad. and like, that little proud nod at her dad (who was of course being Like That on purpose)

and roxy, coming in in the clutch, you are tonight’s MVP

uggghhhhh i hate this part

because again, it’s just--a bunch of bad shit colliding outside of anyone’s control

(it was also really jarring seeing the war room with blank walls the first time i watched this)

like—granted, you should maybe not touch stuff that’s not yours, but…

like we *just* saw eggsy and brandon in a very casual, intimate scene with each other, how can anyone get angry with brandon?

this is all stress-inducing

i remember being in the theater watching this and feeling like i was watching some awful slow motion car wreck and i couldn’t look away

idk what other story i would’ve wanted to see but i was NOT a fan of Sudden Death For Christmas, especially concerning roxy!

and poppy is such a *bright* villain, not just because of taste but because of her personality, which is another weird thing to have next to the cannibalism

gaaahhhh charlieeee your arm is so cooooool

this shot is gorgeous and incredibly depressing.

what do you do?

gah, and the way merlin comes out of the dark, like

i probably would’ve drawn a gun on him too

“you think *i* would?”

this scene shows 1. how much he trusts eggsy to not shoot him, and/or 2. how good merlin is at compartmentalizing, because this is an even bigger blow than harry’s death, and he’s following the protocol like it’s an art form

i hope that we see some reference to this safe in the next movie, that’d be a cool way to tie the narratives all together

“i suppose that must be upper class humor. … i don’t get it.”

reminder, merlin is working class.

if you’re a ho for this fandom and went and bought this whiskey specifically because of this movie clap your hands *clap clap*

and they proceed to just get HAMMERED

“country rooaaddsss… take me hoooooome…”

another reminder: kentucky is a beautiful state!

i would love to tour a whiskey distillery, that’d be super cool

“shame it’s not scotch”

again, with his weird night vale clipboard.

who would win: two highly-trained kingsman agents vs. one (1) cowboy

channing tatum, ladies and gentlemen!

“y’all look damn sharp!”

i am forever gonna be mad we didn’t get more of tequila in this movie, and not just because of roanoke either, but like, “that dog don’t hunt,” whatever he has in his mouth sealed a leak in a barrel, and it took him all of two minutes to incapacitate both eggsy AND merlin? hello??

i’m glad we’ll get to see more of him in the another movie.

“you know why the measurement of alcohol is called proof?”

just dumping it on their laps, so disrespectful

“—and you can go fuck yourself.”

eggsy fucking just giggling.

these two doofuses

also it’s hot to see merlin be sassy ngl

“HARRY!”

these guys have been fast thinkers in stressful situations but as it turns out, people being unexpectedly not dead can kinda fuck with your day

aaannddd halle berry, everybody! i love ginger ale omg

(and so does merlin, he is instantly enchanted)

;-; this reunion scene

i don’t know how colin manages to be two completely different people at once

like there’s a huge difference between former agent galahad and harry hart the lepidopterist and i can’t explain it

i really, really hope we see at least one little hint at kinsman’s relationship with statesman in the new movie, i just think it’d be really cool

in roanoke canon, there’s an office rumor that the nanobot tech used by statesman was influenced directly by the same technology developed by dr. wernicke in the outlast games. i still think it’s one of my better crossover ideas.

also

god bless whoever decided to get elton john involved with all this?? because i was DELIGHTED

i love poppy’s wardrobe as much as i love her weird 50s-land in the jungle

i also really love the main statesman theme? it reminds me of all those fun epic westerns

jeff bridges! :D

champ vaguely reminds me of my dad

“can you imagine us in the tailor business?”

and he’s super quick with the questions. my headcanons for champ are all over the place but one that i really like is that he was maybe a sheriff or in law enforcement before being recruited by statesman.

aaanndddd pedro pascal, everybody!

otherwise known as *another* character that this movie did dirty, that’ll probably come up in this later

imagine being harry hart, not remember all of yourself, and suddenly your entire room just—fills with water

that had to have been so terrifying, and it was just as hard for merlin to watch (and possibly remember something unpleasant)

and like

that sounds like SUCH bullshit, too, like “yeah we thought if you came close to drowning it would help”

which, is that what merlin meant, no, but is that what harry heard, probably

enter jb the second ;-; <3 sweet baby

tilde’s trying so hard. i see you!

aha, penis jokes.

and all of the unnecessary weird festival stuff, uuggghh

there are so many different things they could have done, like, all of this is just weird from the get-go

first of all, whiskey striking out? hello?? saying no to a man like mr. pascal???

not realistic

the way whiskey takes a shot as he walks away lmao, relatable

and poor clara, like, it’s not like she was asking for any of this D:

hmmmmmmm don’t know how i feel being a stoner watching other stoners get this blue rash thing when i know it kills some of themmmmmmm

i love charlie in his newsboys cap!

poppy has a little bit of a point. like, booze is way more dangerous than pot, as is tobacco. like i would never advocate anyone try meth or heroin, but i think weed and some hallucinogenics get bad wraps.

seeing a dude get torn in half in the reflection of elton john’s sunglasses is the surprising bit of gore we need to remember that oh, yeah, the villain isn’t fun, she’s a murderer

uuggghhhh the TENT SCENE

and, look, i’ll defend tilde forever, but i did NOT like the weird marriage ultimatum. i still think it’s a dick move, like, in that situation either decide to trust your boyfriend or break up with him

the tent interior is super cool-looking

and like, man, he tried, he tried to bounce D:

/sigh/ work hazards, i guess

mmmmmm we don’t need any of what’s happening on screen right now so i’ll just sit patiently and wait for it to be over

and like, there’s nothing funny about merlin and ginger being able to hear everything that’s going on, it’s so grosssss, poor ginger has to have heard some shit before to be so nonchalant about it

everything about this sucks

and then he tries going to the one person who he needs the most and having to deal with him still existing in some state between alive and dead

his body is here

but harry is not

“maggots turn into flies, perhaps you mean larvae!” :D he is SO CUTE

but this entire conversation, with harry still not remembering and eggsy trying so hard to reach him through the fog, is so depressing

like, i’d need a drink too

*and* a joint

i’m seeing my coping mechanisms on screen here folks

the way he comes up with the idea is kinda ingenious though

like, he’s looking at stuff to make himself bummed on purpose, but therein he finds the thing he needs to fix the issue

harry’s smile when eggsy hands him the puppy TT.TT

and then eggsy just becomes a stone cold motherfucker with no emotions

“no one’s sick enough to shoot a puppy!”

hi, flashback!harry

and as SOON as he remembers himself, it’s like his eyes are different, something about him looks like it did before kentucky

“… eggsy.”

one of my favorite movie hugs

and eggsy has to stand on his tiptoes because harry’s so tall

like yeah merlin and harry’s reunion isn’t as overtly emotional, but there’s definitely a sense of joy and relief there.

harry my baby ;-; much better with the sunglasses (and merlin was so close to telling him he looked spectacular)

“now is that any way to welcome a visit from outta town, moonshine?”

he! tried! to! defend! harry!

i hate that jack got a villain story line!

we could’ve had something so much better and infinitely more compelling!

“hurrrr durrrr morgan you just like redemption arcs because you don’t want anybody being a villain permanently” i also like them because sometimes that’s better writing, y’all sit down

“that is NOT what i call a kentucky welcome.”

i love so many things happening in this scene, like

we get to see whiskey kick ass, like yassss gimme those sweet action sequences and give us some character development by showcasing his fighting style

and also NOBODY shits on harry for not being able to handle the situation. both eggsy and merlin were like “dude we’re still celebrating the fact that you’re alive tbh it’s fine if you’re not back up to speed right this second”

you can really tell that this was penned by british people writing american slang because having grown up in the southern half of the u.s. i have never ONCE heard ANYONE say shit like “i feel like a tornado in a trailer park” lmao

and poppy’s fun little death threat infomercial, so great

“what have you done to me you FUCKING BITCH” oof, that’s a mood

!!!!! gonna be honest i kinda forgot that bruce greenwood plays the president

okay but save lives, legalize isn’t an entirely bad idea tbh

hnnnnnnng the scenes about people not being able to get into the hospital hits different in the year of our lord 2020 huh

… y’all i’m being weirded out by all this hospital scenes, this is unpleasant

i, too, wish i could pull a tequila and just be slipped into a chilly coma until shit wasn’t so fucked up

“the fact is, this presidency has won the war on drugs!”

THIS SCENE!

look, y’all can come into my inbox and call me a pothead, or a lazy stoner, or some third insult, but this dude’s VP is bringing up some very, VERY important points when it comes to any kind of discussion about drug use in the u.s.

am i drug-friendly, sure, but i’m more friendly to the notion that we stop demonizing addicts/users

harry looks fucking SCANDALIZED when he sees champ spit into his spittoon thing

i don’t think whiskey even brought up harry not being ready to return to the field in an insulting manner, he literally just saw him get his ass beat in a bar, but eggsy’s faith and loyalty are up there in the category of unstoppable force/immovable object, so here we are

am i the only one curious about the whole charlie x clara thing? because he’s definitely grown up a bit by tgc, and i wanna know how much of that might be because of clara

and he MISSES, e for effort harry

“so sorry about this—“ WHAM

and now that guy can say colin firth busted his face with a fire extinguisher, which is very cool

“*you’re* wu ting feng?” “… yes?”

“you motherFUCKER” ohhhhhh charlie maaaaaad

ginger and merlin though, #couplegoals

the only person more pissed off about the hallucinations than everyone else is harry

imagine remembering that you’re one of the top people in your field and you just keep seeing imaginary butterflies everywhere

like, yeah, i’d be pissed at not being able to do what i knew i was capable of, too

if it wasn’t careening towards a random retirement center, getting stuck in a wildly rotating gondola thing could be fun

nice tuesday afternoon activity

i would loved to have seen more galahad/whiskey field stuff

“you’ve got to be fucking kidding me—“

meanwhile, in the continuing adventures of eggsy and jack: shit goes from bad to worse like a formal spiral only going downward

their expressions as their both just SCREAMING always make me laugh

”that’s the first decent shit i’ve had in three weeks.” <- as does that line, that old dude’s just telling it like it is

eggsy’s comment about the antidote just reminds me of when boromir looks a the ring and says something like “all this for such a tiny thing”

dun dun DUN what are THOSE? hints that whiskey may not be who we think he is??

great. so excited about that. i say, rolling my eyes into the sun

“i’ll fix their wagons.” no one says that matthew!

i. love. this. scene. because now we get cool gun tricks AND the second most metal thing that happens with a lasso in this movie (we’re coming up on the most metal thing)

like please please PLEASE show us more lasso tricks in the statesman movie

“well thank fuckin’ christ i didn’t need any backup.” i wonder if whiskey’s acting angrier than he actually is to throw off the fact that he might’ve caught harry’s glance at him betraying suspicion

RIP jack

imagine the timeline where whiskey was never a bad guy and harry hart just blew a dude away for NO REASON

now THAT would be an interesting movie

because harry and eggsy, for all they went through in the first film, never had a conflict where it was harry in the position of mangling the ropes up

but of course eggsy would never, never tell merlin what happened because he’s still ultimately on harry’s team

damn, charlie, literally blowing up your girlfriend seems kinda extreme

“THIS is vital!”

and here we get to see the biggest difference between merlin and ginger

now, i know there’s extra stuff in the novelization about their relationship and i can’t talk about it because i have no idea what’s in the book

but!

i DO still headcanon as merlin quitting fieldwork after lee’s death

his comment is either what he genuinely believes, or maybe what he fashioned his beliefs into after stepping down from his field role, and ginger is just as sincere in her desire to break into that aspect of working for statesman

it’s like seeing the same character but in two points in time, and it’s really cool

that balance would’ve also been a fun aspect of their romantic relationship to explore but alas! ’twas not to be

colin and mark could both play slenderman

look at those limbs.

gracious.

also this facetime scene with eggsy and tilde T.T

that has to be so terrifying to watch when you know the steps of death and what they look like as they get closer

but it also puts a fire under eggsy though

“i’m leaving with, or without you.”

and of course they’re both gonna go because that’s NOT characteristic eggsy behavior based off of how we know he views family/squad

that’s how they know he’s being for cereal

uugggggGGHHHH and THAT FORESHADOING

stacey pruitt, attorney at lawwwww

hmmmmmmmmm

what does this conversation between poppy and the president remind me of

gonna just sigh into the void

and now we have harry and eggsy on the jet along with the BIGGEST LIE harry hart has ever told in his LIFE

kingsman and statesman aesthetics at least tend to be the same color schemes. lotta golds, yellows. browns.

eggsy, yeah, it’s a bummer your gf dumped you, but this relationship wasn’t very well-developed or written so i’m not as bummed as i could be

“… and in that moment, all i felt was loneliness and regret.”

harry shut the FUCK UP

you felt NOTHING??

you weren’t thinking of, gee, i dunno, EGGSY? or MERLIN?? your MOM???

like these lines from him just seem to come out of left field and i can’t even halfway suspend my belief long enough to come close to believing him

like mr. hart you just gonna be like that in front of jesus and everybody????

so, yeah, of course he’s on board with saving tilde! because he recognizes (apparently just right that second) that “having something to lose is what makes life worth living”

and i don’t know if they felt like there need to be some weird, deeply contrasting reason for harry to swing around to being in support? or something?

like

i’m forever pissed about this characterization and i don’t even know if i’m expressing my anger in a way that makes it easy to understand lmao this is fine, i’m fine, literally not a single person in this fandom ever believed those lines anyway, it’s fine

moving on

... and even if they WERE true then honestly that just makes me more excited about butterfly knife, because that means that harry acknowledged both the bad side of the coin, and also the side with rae on it (which would mean seeing her for who she was and also recognizing his feelings for what THEY were) and drew the ultimately correct conclucision that love! is! always! worth! it! let that shit in like a welcome guest in the home of your heart, and they will stay as long as you let them!

as SOON as he wakes up ginger looks a thousand percent done lmao

and the “process” that they use to wake people up or whatever is—interesting

because all it is, is trauma turned into a tool which is kind of a weird concept to see in a “fun spy movie” imo

and this is one of what i feel were like only what, two? glimpses we get into whiskey’s Tragic Backstory

and the other scene isn’t a glimpse it’s just straight up exposition in his dialogue :/

jack, i’m sorry, you deserved better than this as a character

i’m sure the name “silver pony” is a reference to something but i don’t know what

“lookin’ GOOD merlin!” “feelin’ good, eggsy.”

ladies and gentlemen when i tell you that i lost my pool-noodle mind seeing him put on that suit watching this in a theater, i--

ANYWAY

because now that i have the horrible burden of having seen these movies a million times

i know it’s more symbolic

he stays in sweaters so long, as an agent of the background, because he walked a man to his death

so it figures when he puts the armor back on for the first time in ages

he walks to his own

uuuggghhhh the minesweeper

i hate this

i hate it

i hate everything about the feelings i’m having while this is happening

*beep-beep*

“you move, we die.”

i HATE IT

but like, i don’t know, how preferable is this to the end scene we almost got, which was merlin dragging his newly-legless corpse through a doggy door?

because it’s been literally multiple years and i still have no fucking idea

they’re both horrible in their own terrible, awful ways

damn, matthew, it’s not often someone manages to come up with multiple versions of a thing and have every version be so gut-wrenchingly horrific, i’m truly impressed and completely disgusted

“do as your told!”

god

everyone just going through twenty shades of Bad Feelings in the space of fifteen seconds here in the jungle

and colin and taron do this thing where it’s like—their eyes go dead? like, there was a light here, it’s gone now

it SUCKS

oh

oh no

ALMOST HEAVEN

WEST VIRGINIA

… fuck

LIFE IS OLD THERE

OLDER THAN THE TREES

“… singing?”

this sucks.

this sucks this sucks this sucks

MOUNTAIN MAMAAAAA

TAKE ME HOOOOME

COUNTRY ROOOADDSSSSS

*THUNK*

and he even took off his glasses before he hit him, he had his end coming towards him and he was still a gentleman

TAKE ME HOOOME

COUNTRY RROOOOAAAADDDSSSSS

his EYES AT THE END

FUCK

… okay i had to get up and go for a lil’ walk

anyway

(and again, roanoke canon, fucking fixing’ shit left and right, because we’re the goat)

harry and eggsy look MURDEREROUS

MERLIN SAID KNOCK YOU OUT

it DID make the grand ending fun action scene a lot more satisfying

because like, without merlin there, that means harry and eggsy get to go full feral

poppy you big idiot you just robbed them of all their motivation to show any kind of restraint and now everybody’s gonna get blown up

except for those dudes who get kicked by elton john

which would be an HONOR first of all

(the part where eggsy’s using his gun and shield vaguely reminds me of the specialist, @bloodofthepen​)

and harry and eggsy just—they’re drift compatible! that’s it! the teamwork! the grace! the flow! my god!

eggsy vs. charlie: round like 4 if you count the first movie

it was also satisfying to see charlie’s new arm in action

we love fun robotics and gadgetry in this house

colin firth is really just not afraid to throw himself full force down a bowling lane huh

ugh, seeing charlie slam eggsy over and over again makes my chest hurt

the sound mixing on all these films is top notch which isn’t always a good thing T.T

ROCKETMAN~~~

that shit will never NOT be funny

a wild elton john appeared!

eggsy is indestructible, he can walk off anything

but charlie, charlie i feel really sorry for, imagine being attacked by a superior version of your own limb, i.e. something that you can’t exactly quickly remove from yourself, that would be TERRIFYING

harry + elton = dream teaaaammmm

“darling if you save the world, you can have a backstage pass.”

i love you elton john :(

i would have been the most OBNOXIOUS hype man in the background of the entire kingsman vs. poppy land face-off

“let’s make this fair.” eggsy you’re fuckin’ cheeky

and poor harry, all that lank just getting tossed like noodles

i thought the robot puppers were very cool

“for the record charlie i’m more of a gentleman than you’ll ever be.”

mmmmmm do NOT like this death for charlie

SUPER glad we fixed it

and another scene where i can’t stand the sound mixing T.T it makes me cringe every time

“i don’t consider genocide especially lady-like.”

and are we gonna talk about how merlin knew how to make heroin?

… no?

nobody wanna talk about that?

ugh that houndstooth dress is so PRETTY though

high!poppy is weirdly comedic for all of two seconds and then it stops being funny real fast

whiskey D:<

this is so dumb

this is all so, so dumb

“our agencies were founded to uphold peace, to protect the innocent—“

there’s that nobility again

is what happened to whiskey fucked up, yes

i’m not saying we have to completely remove that from his story

i just

literally anything but this would have been preferable

and then HOT DOG it’s one of my favorite shots in the movie with the whip where harry’s just chucking it away from his face like a bamf, YES

how great is this cover, let’s be honest

like, i’d be lying if i said i didn’t enjoy this scene visually

plus

HARRY GETTING PEGGED RIGHT IN THE FACE WITH A FRYING PAN

gracious

it’s one fluid tracking shot, so kinda in alignmentment with what we’re used to

some people get annoyed with repeated junk but when you can do it THIS WELL you can get away with anything

D:

but then jack

you did NOT desert that

yes, you were in dire need of an attitude adjustment but jesus

“this is for you, merlin.”

/ugly sobbing/

and tilde is all betterrrrrr ;-;

you guys did itttttt

COUNTRY ROOOAAADDSS

TAKE ME HOOOOOOMMEEEE

TO THE PLAAAAAACCCEEEEE

I BELOOOOONNGGGG

and the scene with jamal and liam T.T #wholesomecontent

poor tequila, after i knew that you would have a bigger role in another movie, i was less annoyed by the fact that they iced you so quick into the story

#FOX2020

“… now we’re brothers, working side by side.”

spoiler alert i actually love champ’s toast

“y’all shittin’ in high cotton now” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???

and ginger becomes the new whiskey like she always wanted T.T

merlin is proud from heaven (or london, depending on which canon)

iiiiiii have mixed feelings about the whole wedding scene, which is probably because i take HUGE issue with the weird proposal ultimatum thing that happened earlier

but the way eggsy says “not a doubt in my mind,” he says it so seriously and i remember that tilde almost died

there was such good intention packed into this couple that was so badly written that i just

augh

“but it is perhaps the end of the beginning.”

there’s ***merlin! lmao i see you dude, they did you dirty

look

i was pissed off about a lot of things that happened in this thing but i was honestly hype seeing tequila at the very end walking into the tailor shop

like, yeah, i’ll stick around to see what happens in this universe but i’m gonna complain the whole time

GO JACK RABBIT

RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS

and again, i almost didn’t see this movie.

… i think about that morgan sometimes.

hope she’s doin’ okay.

…

she’s probably not. D:

[jcmorrigan]

Valentine’s Day F/O Letter

For the event hosted by @nougatships​ and @megane-shipping​! I decided to write a letter to Giovanni Potage from EE because I am love him SO MUCH right now. Anyway, it got kinda long, so most of it will be under a cut.

***

Hi Gio,

             This is the first time I’ve ever really written anything of length to you. To any of the ones I love this way, really. Beginnings are hard. There’s so much I want to say, and I’m not sure where to even start. So let’s get the basics out of the way: how are you doing? Successful heists lately? Epic tales of villainy I simply must know about?

           I’ve been fine. Life’s boring, as usual. I would say I don’t even know how you put up with it, but I’ve seen your couch-potato side, so that’s not really a big mystery. I like that. I like that you’re equally up for breaking the mold with some adventure and just…kicking it. (Wow. That’s some old slang. When’s the last time anyone said “kicking it”? Me. Just now.)

           So as for the reason I’m writing this letter…I think it’s best if I just begin in chronological order. So you and I both know you’re not the only one in my heart, and I’m glad you respect this. There’s a time, a place, and an AU for you, and it doesn’t make you any less special. But I’m always stunned when I look back at how we met. The others, it took time to realize I loved them, and how much they meant to me. But you? You broke through that fuckin’ museum wall, and I KNEW you were my type. If you want the receipts, I have the Discord chat of when I was talking to my friend while watching you and screaming about how much I wanted to cuddle you. (LISTEN. I KNOW THAT WAS FORWARD. I’M SORRY FOR BEING A CREEP. SOMETIMES I’M A STALKER.) …Actually, the exact words were when my friend, knowing you were my type, said “If he were any further up your alley, he’d be at your house” and I said “He could come to my house anytime” and I’m sorry your girlfriend is such a creep.

           I haven’t felt that instant…fall that many times in my life. The last time I can remember it, it was for someone real. As in who originates in my world. I think you’ve figured out that sometimes, I compare you to him. That chase went on such a runaround…with men, my whole life after him, I’ve thought of them as goals to achieve. I got the attention of the hot one! Yay! Finally! Now he can love me and all of my little quirks, even though I’m super boring! And I’m not saying that’s incredibly wrong. I’ve made some good relationships that way, actually. (All fictional, of course.)

           But you…what struck me is how much I wanted to be with you for your sake. Not mine. Not to bandy about getting you to notice me, or playing the tsundere game, or worrying I’m not good enough. Sure, I like a slowburn and a good confession, but I really just wanted to be close to you because you made me smile. You had a good sense of humor, you have that unbreakable lighthearted confidence I adore…you’re a little bit of an idiot, but in the absolute best way possible (and you have emotional smarts where I don’t). And on that note! You’re one of the nicest guys I know! Even if you are the bad guy.

           Which was kind of the two-hit combo that slayed me. I have a villain problem. You know this. I know this. I wasn’t sure how to handle it. Some days, I want to be a villain, myself, and have the freedom to do what I want, take revenge on those I feel wronged me, take whatever my heart desires, just not have to live by the RULES anymore. But some days, I become acutely aware of my conscience. Could I ever be a real villain? Could I actually steal? Could I KILL? I think about the people I’d hurt, and I don’t wanna do that. I now know that depending on the situation, I can laugh with the sinners and cry with the saints. (Little Billy Joel for ya.) But with you, I know I don’t really have to…pick. You let me be me, and you let me have that freedom of just…doing bad things that are against the rules. And it feels AWESOME. But then, we never really take it too far, and we still have our friendships, our standards, our moral codes, our etiquette. Basically, you’ll let me be the good guy, too, and you’re just a sweetie pie. Some days, I need to toe the line more; some days, I need to shed blood. But you let me suspend in between, getting the best of both worlds.

           And all this is why I think…maybe you’re my favorite out of all of them. It makes me feel guilty to love you best when I’ve given my heart to two others, and who knows where it will stop? But it’s you I find myself thinking of most often. You who I’d have fun with. You who’d make me smile. You who I’d want to make smile.

           Also, I realized lately. I don’t get jealous over you, not like I thought I would. I like seeing you depicted with other partners, the Blasters or other selfshippers/OCs. I love when I meet someone else who had the good enough taste to fall for you! If you want to invite Crusher or Spike or anyone else you like to be part of this…I know you have enough love for all of us. We can all be happy together. Just say the word!

           Knowing you would support me emotionally no matter what is touching. I’ve relied on you for a lot. I’ve done scary grown-up government stuff while listening to your theme. I invited you to the crew that would go on that flight with me because I hate airplanes so much, and I knew you would give me amazing distraction-cuddles (though I suspect you, also, fear the airplane, and if I’m right about that, I admire you so much for not letting it show). There are times I…really hate myself, or feel worthless. Especially because I have so much trouble validating myself. But I know you’d just put a hand on my shoulder and tell me it’s going to be all right before inviting me to slip on some ski masks and pretty supervillain clothes so we can go hijack sugar cookies from the bakery. (Pink for you. You always have dibs on the pink ones! I haven’t forgotten! And blue for me <3)

           The adventures we’ve been on in my imagination…the walks around Twilight Town (YEAH YEAH I KNOW WRONG WORK OF FICTION), snuggling up in your knitted blankets (which are SO SOFT), making my villainess dress together, the first kiss on the rooftop, dancing like idiots, THE HEISTS…it all makes me really happy. You remind me that I don’t necessarily have to “grow up” to be a grown-up. And, I mean, I knew that, but you make sure I REALLY know that. (Speaking of which, don’t you love how if you add the two of us parents’-basement-dwellers together, you probably end up with one [1] functioning adult?)

           I also really have to thank you for being accepting of my asexuality. I’m always scared it will push others away. They say men only want one thing, right? And I am unfortunately attracted to men. Yaaaaay me. But there are big exceptions to the rule, and you’ve always been the one to say “Fuck gender roles!” I feel like when I’m with you, I never have to worry that you’ll be wanting something I can’t give you.

           In return, I will accept you no matter your body, your identity. I’ve run into a couple different takes on you, but they’re all you.

           I guess that brings me to the hard part of this. This is going public, so I don’t know how specific I want to get. But there was a very powerful force that suggested I couldn’t see you through my own eyes. That no one could do so. It almost tore us apart. I thought it was my moral obligation to let you go. I thought loving you would mean taking a stand on the wrong side and hurting my friends. I thought that what would happen is that every time I thought of you, I would be reminded of ugly truths and harsh realities.

           But after two days, I missed you so much. It was a good wake-up call to know this relationship wasn’t completely baggage-free, and it reminded me that I have many characters in my life who I want to give my attention, but it also proved to me that if I tried to let you go…I would have to physically push you away instead, and in the end, I couldn’t do it. I think back all the time to how good of a brother-dad-mentor-figure you were to Molly, and how you got worried about Fred’s astigmatism, and how I was sure you’d get along with so many of the characters who already made up my world, and how this spoke to your heart. Oh, and also, I needed your dumb ass to say loitering in front of a truck was a valid crime. (Please don’t ever loiter in front of a truck. I’m begging you.) I need you to show me how easily you shift from Grandma Mode to Knife Mode with your knitting needle, to be proud of the way you season your soup attacks, to keep making your own capes, to insist on the benefits of wielding a bat with a fucking knife taped to it, to jet your friends to safety when they’re afraid of such things as fire and traitor bears.

           Whatever comes of all that, I hope there can still be a space for us. You and me. And I’m confident it will happen, now. It already is happening. Because I know that you’d just want me to be happy, no matter where you fell on the issue that began it. And you love and respect my friends, too. I know you see us as our own little group of villains and co-minions and talk about us like we’re an evil team that has to take care of each other, and that’s…honestly so cute. Too bad I’m terrible at putting your words to work. Maybe one day. When I learn how to find the approval I seek without fighting it out of people. But I think that was the moment it went from a crush to actually loving you. When I saw how you would do that with Molly. With everyone. Make sure they knew how valid they were. I…feel bad that I haven’t been able to live up to this lately. Like I’ve failed you. But I can always try again, right? That’s what you’d want me to do! And I do improve on things every day. One day, the minion will surpass her villain (but still stay around with you because that’s what we do)! I hope I can support you in the same way – that when you have things that trouble your mind, that I can help you feel better and get you toward a solution to the problem.

           I know I’m safe with you, and I want to keep you safe, too. I know how much you’d put on the line to defend me, and I just want to protect you from all of the bad in your world – from snooty Vice Principals who call their armies to beat you up (I’m still SO SORRY you went through that!), from the law chasing you away from all that’s familiar, from all the insults and mockery that could ever come your way. I want to stand before you like a shield. To gather the troops of the other characters I know and form a protection squad around you. To make you smile. (Even if you are really, really cute when you cry. Look, I’m not gonna beat around the bush – I do love getting to comfort you. It SUCKS that you have to go through the hard times, but I like…being there. I hope that doesn’t make a sadist of me. Yeah, yeah, I know, that’s an overreaction.)

           By the way, I’m kinda sorry for not ordering the lobster bisque at the pub in the airport. I was gonna because of you! But I chickened out! And that salmon I got instead was REALLY good, okay? But it’s a double whammy because I had JUST found out the soup place in the mall closed and I need to make up for this. There will be soup!

           (As of the most recent draft, I had a horrid stomachache last Sunday, and chicken soup was all I could eat for most of the day. I thought of you. Though yours would’ve been better than Campbell’s and we both know it.)

           Fun fact: you are dating a silly, sappy lady. I keep thinking back to this letter – I drafted it once, then went back and added things, and here I am saying I ALMOST mailed this without talking up your looks. Which is probably a good thing because it means I’m primarily with you for your personality, but everyone deserves to feel like they look nice, so here goes: I love your silly, sly smirk. I love your cute little fangies. I love your untamed pink hair. I love when I can see just how deep-pink your eyes are. I love how much of a beanpole you are, and how much taller you are than me (even if it does mean you can’t carry me bridal-style for more than thirty seconds). I love how innocent you can look, and how you can look the absolute OPPOSITE of innocent when you want to. I love the way your face lights up when you’re happy about something, or when you’re being cocky. I love the way you wear your emotions on your sleeve, and I can always see how you feel just by looking (I’m bad at body language and reading between lines, after all). Do not ever doubt that is one handsome man looking back at you from the other side of the mirror! Because I could just watch your smile for so long, unbroken, you don’t even know.

           Thank you for being you. Thank you for letting me be me. Thank you for the fact that we’re our silly selves and we can be grown-ups without growing up in the gray space between good and evil. I can’t wait to see you more – in your own story, where I’m not; in the story just for us, in our own little timeline; in the TBTCverse Twilight Town where we are hounded by complex crossover lore; in the beautiful art everyone draws of you; in any other universe that may bring us together.

           And someday, the time might come that we have to part ways romantically. I’m not looking forward to that. I’m really not. I hope it doesn’t happen. But someday, we might not have the chemistry anymore, or you might find someone better, or I might have to put more focus in what I guess is the “real world.” If that day comes, I hope we can still be friends and mean something to each other. Zucchinis/QPPs, preferably. But if we have to be more distant…just so that I can think of you, and you can think of me, and we’ll both treasure those memories.

           I love you, Giovanni. Or should I say “Boss”?

 Sincerely, with all my heart,

Rachel “Composer” Scribere/Inlustris

(P.S. I wasn’t sure which universe’s last name I should put, seeing as I obviously am not going to write my last name in THIS world, so there, have both the ones you know me as.)

(P.P.S. “If there’s a place that I could be, then I’d be another memory. Can I be the only hope for you? Because you’re the only hope for me.” ~MCR, “The Only Hope for Me Is You,” Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys)

[kotoriqueen]

Hello, @twunkadelia​!! I am happy to say that I was your Heith Secret Valentine! 

It took me a while to actually write this, but I was able to finish this for Valentine’s Day! I tried to make this as fluffy as possible so I hope you enjoy this! 

1 – Candy Hearts ( High School AU)

He lets out a huge yawn as he walks down the school halls, going for his locker. Though when he stops at it, there’s a huge piece of poster board taped to it, with a bunch of little hearts making up one huge heart. Keith rubs the sleep out of his eyes to get a better look at it, realizing that the smaller hearts are those candy hearts that are stupidly popular during this time of year. Keith’s eyes wander over each candy heart, each one saying a different thing. For how big the paper is, and how big the heart is, Keith’s pretty sure the person who made this took them forever to do it. There’s basic ones like ‘XOXO’, ‘HUG ME’, and ‘BE MINE’ and then there’s ‘SEXY MOFO’, ‘I LOVE YOU’, and ‘MY BABY’ that make Keith’s face go twenty different shades of red. And while he’s looking at this whole little art project this person made, he can’t put this to a name because there’s no fucking name on it! Keith thinks he could get lucky by taking it down and look behind it, but he still gets nothing to point him to the person to do this.

His eyes narrow in frustration, and sighs, putting the candy heart picture under his arm as he opens his locker. He’s lost in thought for who could have done it, and he’s so lost in thought, he doesn’t realize someone coming up next to him.

“Hey, Keith,” and his name being spoken snaps Keith out of his thoughts, nearly jumping a few feet in the air. He glances over, where Hunk stands next to him, with an amused grin on his face. “Did I scare you?”

“I don’t get scared, Hunk,” Keith denies before turning back to his locker, switching out a few books and setting the candy heart picture inside his locker. “Just.. I was lost in thought.”

“What were you thinking about?”

“Someone left me a piece of poster board with candy hearts all over them, but there’s no name on it.” Keith says, shutting his locker with a slam. “So I was trying to figure out who it was, but what kind of person would use the candy heart ‘SEXY MOFO’ when referring to me? That’s just embarrassing.”

“Hm, there’s thousands of people in this school, with more boys than girls, so I think that narrows it down because you don’t really flaunt your gayness,” Hunk says with a shrug. “I’m sure the person will show themselves on Valentine’s Day.”

“Well, if it’s a girl, they got some disappointment coming,” Keith says. “Or even a guy – I like someone else.”

Hunk’s eyes raise up, but a tinge of disappointment goes through him, “Really?”

“Not ready to out that, though.”

“Understood, dude.”

‘Maybe I shouldn’t have made that after all,” Hunk thinks to himself. ‘I knew I was going to get hurt in the end..’

2 – Roses ( Domestic AU )

Hunk comes home late from work one night, finding the apartment he shares with Keith empty and dark and strangely a little cold, as if Keith hasn’t been there all day. Hunk pats the wall for the light switch, and turns on the lights in the house. He looks around, a concerned look on his face, and calls out for his lover and roommate, but receives no response. Hunk continues calling out for Keith on the way to their shared bedroom, but when he gets there, there’s a vase of red roses sitting in front of their floor mirror. Hunk raises an eyebrow and picks them up, plucking the card from in between.

“If you stand with this bouquet of roses in front a mirror, you’ll see thirteen of the most beautiful things in the world,” Hunk reads aloud, and after the words process, his face turns red and he lets out a small squeak. “What the hell, Keith.”

“I wanted you to know how beautiful you were,” comes a voice from the doorway and Hunk turns fast, seeing Keith in the doorway of their bedroom. “I kept waking up to you running your hands over your body, and even the past, you told me that you were worried about me accepting your feelings because ‘Look at you, and then look at me. Why would anyone like me?’”

“Keith--”

“And I think you’re beautiful,” Keith continues on, walking over to Hunk and wrapping his arms around him. “Not just think, but I know, for a fact, you are beautiful and perfect and the right guy for me.”

“Oh, Keith..”

“I love you, Hunk,” Keith says, squeezing Hunk’s sides. “All of you.”

3 – Blind Date/Set up by friends ( Modern AU )

Keith doesn’t know what he’s doing here.

Oh, well, honestly? He does know. Shiro and Matt had set him up with a guy Matt’s little sister knew, and arranged for the two of them to meet at a coffee shop. (Could you say cliché?) All Keith could think about is how dangerous blind dates could be, because, really – what does Matt know about this guy? He knows Matt is protective of his little sister, so whoever Pidge hangs out with, they’d have to get by Matt, too. But a murderer could seem nice too at first glance, but give time, and they could fuck things up.

So now Keith is sitting at a table for two at a coffee stop, index finger swirling around the brim of his glass of water as he waits for his blind date. He hears the door chime open and Keith looks up, watching as a server points the customer to where Keith’s sitting. Keith sits up straight, getting a better look at this guy. His big – big enough to bench press Keith if he wanted to. Keith swallows, suddenly his throat feeling dry.

“Hey,” the stranger greets. “Sorry if I’m late. Have you been waiting long?”

Long enough to wonder where you’ve been all my life.

“Uh, no. I haven’t. Just got here myself,” Keith says instead of what his brain tells him. “Have a seat. I’m Keith.”

“I’m Hunk,” stranger says and all Keith could think is Oh, you sure are. “Uhm, I never have been on a blind date before. My friends arranged this.”

“Same here.” Keith agrees. “But we might as well order something and get to know each other. Unless you prefer to leave.”

“I mean, I’d like to get to know you at least? Even if this doesn’t work out, we can still be friends, yeah?”

Keith blinks, then a smile forms on his face, “Yeah. I’d like that.”

4 – Chocolate ( Canon )

“Did you seriously find a planet that has a plant for you to make chocolates?” Keith asks Hunk, not able to believe it when Hunk mentions it. “If so, I call dibs on being the guinea pig this time.”

“I’ve never seen you so excited before. It’s kind of cute.” Hunk teases, making Keith’s cheeks go a little pinkish. “Yes, I did. And you’re lucky you did. Lance and Pidge would have fought over it.”

“I just haven’t had chocolate in a long time, okay? It used to be my comfort food.”

“Comfort food?” Hunk questions, a little confused at first but then he remembers of all that Keith’s been through and his face softens. “Aw, Keith – know what, hold on. Wait here.”

Keith blinks, but does as told as Hunk runs around the kitchen, opening the cabinets and going over the stove. He’s unable to watch fully on what Hunk’s doing, but the scent fills the air and it smells cocoa-y – like hot chocolate, to be more specific. Keith’s eyes light up and watches as Hunk nearly breaks the Altean glasses rushing to grab one, and within minutes, there’s a steaming cup of chocolate coloured liquid in front of him. (Well, it feels like minutes went by, but it took a lot longer than just a few minutes to make this.)

“Have this,” Hunk says and Keith takes the cup in his hands. “Careful, it’s--” And then he watches Keith take a sip with no hesitation but doesn’t yelp from the heat either. “..hot.”

“Holy crap, Hunk.”

“Is it good?”

“It’s fantastic,” Keith replies and he takes another sip, practically chugging it down. “It tastes so much like hot chocolate it’s unreal.”

“Good!” Hunk beams at this, glad he was successful in making Keith happy. “I’ll make you some small chocolates, too, and stick them in the freezer for them to chill and turn solid, so you can have your comfort food anytime.”

“Thank you, Hunk. I appreciate it.”

“No problem.”

5 – Movie Night ( Canon )

“So this is an Altean movie.” Hunk says as he sits right besides Keith on the couch. Keith hums as a response. “Wow. Do you even know what they’re saying?”

“Not in the slightest. I’ve been making my own dialogue,” Keith says. “At least in my head.”

“Really? I want to hear some.”

Keith looks over and then figures why not, so he rewinds the movie and turns it down a little. A scene with a princess and a prince appears.

“Oh, Princess, I have always longed for you. Won’t you please come with me?” Keith recites then clears his voice, trying to sound like the Princess in the movie. “Oh no I must not! Father will never allow me to go out with someone like you!”

“Like me? What’s wrong with me?” Hunk adds in with a grin and Keith looks over, his smile wide.

“You didn’t show up with flowers! Or candy! Or anything! Not even a white horse! How could I go with you?”

“Because you don’t need all those things for true love,” Hunk says. “If you come with me, I will forever love you.”

“That sounds so cheesy.” Keith says, bumping Hunk with his shoulder. “Just right out of a fairy tale.”

“Hey, I like fairy tales. Disney movies are my favourite.”

“And yet if you read the morbid ones, you’d never like them again.”

“Let’s not and say I did.”

6 – Late for a Date ( Domestic AU )

Hunk’s panicking. Hunk’s panicking and driving a crazy speed to the hospital. When he got the phone call that his boyfriend was there because of an accident at work, he dropped everything to go there. He and Keith were supposed to have a date, and ten minutes before they’re supposed to have their date, is when he gets the call.

He parks and rushes into the ER, asking right away to see Keith Kogane. It takes a moment, and a nurse comes out to guide Hunk to Keith’s emergency room, where at the door, he sees Keith fast asleep, with a bandage wrapped around his arm and scratches on his face. Hunk pales from seeing his boyfriend like this, and he rushes to his side, grabbing the bandaged arm and kissing Keith’s knuckles. From the nurses explanation, it seems like Keith was doing his job as security and tried stopping a guy because he was stealing to only slam him through a window and ended up like this. It’s not too much longer until Keith opens his eyes, grunting from the bright lights in the emergency room.

“Nn..”

“Keith.. Oh my god, Keith.” Hunk sobs, hanging his head. “I was so worried about you! How do you feel?”

“Like shit,” Keith grumbles. “I missed our date.. all because I was chasing a stupid guy.”

“You were doing your job,” Hunk tells him. “I’m not mad. I’m more glad that you’re okay.”

“But you were looking forward to this date..”

“It’s fine. It’s fine.” Hunk leans over, pressing kisses to Keith’s face. “All that matters is that you’re safe. I love you.”

“Love you, too..”

7 – Wrong Restaurant ( Domestic AU )

“What do you mean our names aren’t on the list?” Keith’s getting snappy, and Hunk’s panicking. They’re going to get kicked out of this restaurant in like five seconds. “I made this reservation, like, weeks in advance! Look for our names again!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but your names aren’t on here. I’ve looked five times now, and our tables are either full or reserved for other guests. I cannot just give you a table.”

“That’s bullshit--”

“Uh, Keith?” Hunk interrupts, his lover looking back with a glare. “..I think we’re at the wrong restaurant.”

Immediately, Keith’s face goes red from embarrassment and croaks out an ‘oh’.

“We’re so sorry for the trouble.” Hunk apologizes before grabbing Keith by the wrist and drags him out. “Oh my god. Now we won’t make it to the other restaurant in time.”

“..Maybe we can just go home and order Chinese.” Keith mutters, still embarrassed. “I’m sorry for not realizing it sooner.”

“No, Keith, if I was you, I would have gotten angry, too. It’s fine.” Hunk takes Keith’s hands and rests his forehead against the others. “We can go home. Snuggle and watch television. Date night is still a go.”

8 – Strangers Alone on Valentine’s Day ( Coffee Shop AU )

The coffee shop is dead on February fourteenth. There’s only few people there, and two people are sitting together at a table for a date. Keith’s sitting alone, laptop in front of him, staring at the couple with disgust. He figured it would be better to get work done on Valentine’s Day seeing as how he had nobody and most coffee shops would be dead with no couples, but no, he thought wrong.

The door to the coffee shop chimes open and Keith looks up, seeing a man walk in alone and go to the counter, order something, and then sit down at a table next to Keith.

“Alone on Valentine’s Day, too, huh?” the stranger says, trying to make conversation.

“Mhm. I don’t care. I’m not interested in anybody anyway.” Keith shrugs, deciding to talk to the stranger seeing as how he’s not going to get much work done if he’s too stressed to get anything done. “What about you?”

“Eh, not me either,” the stranger says with a shrug. “I’m Hunk, by the way.”

“Keith. What brings you here?”

“Wanting to get some writing done. I need coffee to wake me.”

“Same. I have a deadline in a few days and I barely started on it.”

“Story of my life.”

“Heh.” Keith laughs a little, a smile on his face. “Good luck, Hunk.”

“You, too,” Hunk says, his smile wide. “Keith.”

9 – Friends on a date ( High School AU )

“Aw, aren’t you two a cute couple.” Lance teases as he walks past Hunk and Keith having lunch together at a diner. “We have studying to do, and you two are on a date?”

“We’re not on a date, Lance.” Hunk insists. “We’re studying. And we’re not a couple--”

“I thought this was a date,” Keith interrupts, eyebrow raising. “Guess I was wrong.”

“Wait-- Keith-- you know it could be--”

Keith’s grin is wide and teasing, “I’m joking, Hunk.”

“O-oh.”

‘I’d very much like to date you,’ Keith thinks. ‘But you’re too good for me..’

10 – Rained out Picnic ( Canon )

“Well.. going to a planet that had a seventy-five percent chance of rain, may have been a bad idea.” Hunk admits, feeling down as he and Keith take shelter from the rain under a tree. “I was really thinking that twenty-five percent would come through.”

“We can have a picnic in Yellow?” Keith offers. “Would she mind?”

“I don’t think so. She’s been itching to get us out on a date, but at the cost of our picnic being soaked and us getting sick? She’ll welcome us to eat there as long as we clean up.”

“Race you to your lion, then.”

“What-- Keith! That’s not fair! I’m holding the picnic basket!”

11 – Low on money/homemade date ( Modern AU )

A date didn’t have to be going to a fancy restaurant or buying your significant other nice things. No matter where you are, and what you do, a date is still a date and still amazing when you’re with the person you love and care about. And Hunk didn’t mind it when Keith admits he doesn’t have the money for date night because bills came up. And even though Keith minds, Hunk is more than fine with sitting with Keith, playing games and eating pizza rolls. Or even snuggling and watching Netfix. Which is what they are doing now after they had eaten microwavable chicken nuggets, with Keith laying on top of Hunk and Hunk’s hand running through Keith’s hair.

“I love you,” Hunk whispers and Keith hears it, raising his head. “This date is great.”

“..I love you, too, Hunk.” Keith says with a small smile. “Next date will be better though.”

“Having a chill date is the best date I could ask for, Keith. Honest.”

“If you say so, but I’m going to spoil you rotten next time.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

12 – Surprise Date while Working Late ( Florist Hunk, Tattoo Artist Keith )

Hunk enters the tattoo shop late at night, holding a vase of flowers and asking where Keith is at. He’s told Keith’s in the back cleaning up, and Hunk walks back there, nearly startling his boyfriend in the process.

“What are you doing here, Hunk? I won’t be off for another hour or so.” Keith admits. “I have a lot of cleaning up to do.”

“I know! I know! I just.. wanted to give you these,” Hunk says and hands over the vase. “I set up the arrangement myself. Figured it would cheer you up when we can’t go out on dates because of our work schedule. But also.. I’m off tomorrow and so are you and we’re going to go out on a date once you get off.”

“Hunk.. you didn’t have to come here for this..”

“I wanted to. It was a surprise.” Hunk says with a grin and leans down, pecking Keith’s lips. “I’ll wait in the waiting area for you.”

Keith grins wide, returning the kiss, “Alright. I’ll see you soon.”

13 – Forgot to get anything ( High School AU; post-Heith )

The first thought Keith has when he walks into school on February fourteenth is god, there is so much red and pink and so many hearts and love spread around. He pushes through couples hugging in the hallways, gags at the couples kissing at their lockers and ready to make love with all the students watching them, and he feels a headache forming when he hears girls screaming with joy when they get their Valentine’s gifts. He sighs and makes way to his locker, opening it up and grabs what he needs for his first half of classes. He has a lot of time to kill, but he’ll probably go to his first class anyway to get away from all the gross, mushy, couple-y things.

“Good morning, Keith,” Hunk greets as he passes Keith on his way to his own locker, which is only a few lockers away from Keith’s. Keith groans and slams his head on the metal, making Hunk look at him with a concerned look on his face. “..Everything okay?”

“No.” Keith grits through his teeth and slams his locker shut, which makes Hunk jump and makes Keith forming headache only worse. “I hate Valentine’s Day.”

“Hate is a rather strong word--”

“Then I’ll use a stronger one: I despise it.”

“Oh.”

Keith blinks, looking up at his boyfriend, eyebrow raised. Now Hunk’s facial expression reads he’s upset about something, and Keith panics a little because fuck, he said something wrong, didn’t he?

“Uhm.. I’m sorry you feel that way. I got you something for Valentine’s Day.”

Keith’s eyes widen at this news, and the second thought that runs through his head is: Keith you jerk. You may hate, or despise Valentine’s Day or whatever, but you still should have gotten your boyfriend something! And with all the hate, you never did think about that, did you? Nope!

“..Hunk, I didn’t.. I didn’t get you anything.” Keith mutters, now feeling guilty. “I’m not-- I’m not used to having relationships like this, so I normally just try to ignore Valentine’s Day.”

“It’s fine, Keith. I know how you feel about holidays, especially ones like this.” Hunk shrugs it off, but Keith can read that something is still bothering him. Hunk digs through his book bag and pulls out a small box, handing it over to Keith. “Here.”

“No.”

“..No?”

“Not until I get you something,” Keith tells him, to make himself more clear. “It’s not fair, Hunk. Tell you what-- come over to the house after school today. I’ll make you dinner. Sure, you’re a better cook than me, but let me make you dinner. And then this weekend, we can go on a Valentine’s day date and you can spend the night. We can cuddle all night.”

“You don’t have to do all that, Keith..”

“But I can tell it bothers you!” Keith raises his voice, and he knows Hunk hates it, but he has no choice. “Let me do this. Please. I care about you, Hunk. A-and I love you. And I feel bad if I don’t at least do something. So please..”

Hunk goes silent for a moment, and slips the box back into his bag, then walks over to Keith, his arm going around Keith’s waist and leaning down to place a small kiss on the top of Keith’s head.

“Okay. I expect candles, though.”

“Of course, big man.”

14 – Babysitter Canceled/Family Date Night ( Domestic/Future AU; where Heith adopts )

They had adopted twin daughters five years into their marriage. They decided it had been a great idea now they were financially stable – at least somewhat – and had a nice house with a dog and a cat. And it seemed like the two girls did not want to be torn apart, so Hunk and Keith were fine with adopting both. And after two weeks of foster care going through their file to find out if they were able to be parents, they got the girls. They were about three years old at the time, and attached at the hip. Their names were Melody and Ruby, and they were so pretty. Hunk and Keith spoiled them rotten when they first got them, and continued doing so for many years.

The girls are now going on nine years old, their birthdays just a couple days after Valentine’s Day. Hunk and Keith made plans on February fourteenth, and arranged a babysitter, but at the last minute, the babysitter canceled on them so they decided it would be a family date night. It has been for the past years since they’ve gotten Melody and Ruby – the tradition would never change.

Besides, free dessert for the girls when they tell people ‘oh it’s their birthday’ when their birthdays are just a couple days away. But a little lie never hurt anyone.

So here they are, at a family restaurant, the restaurant covered in Valentine’s decorations. The girls are picking at their food, while Hunk and Keith are eating, but the two fathers can tell something is bothering their daughters.

“Everything okay with you two?” Hunk questions. “You barely touched your dinner.”

“..Did we mess up Valentine’s Day for you two?” Melody asks, taking after Keith and being straight forward and the ‘wild child’ of their family.

“What?” Keith’s eyebrows shoot up. “What gave you that idea?”

“Because Valentine’s Day is meant to be shared between couples!” Ruby says. “And you two always seem to give up date nights to be with us.. We feel like we messed things up.”

“No. No no no.” Hunk puts his fork down, the tears already building up in his eyes. “You didn’t ruin anything, girls! Honest! Tell them, Keith.”

“What your daddy means – before a waterfall starts spilling from his eyes -” Keith teases before turning back towards the girls. “you girls mean the world to us. You do not ruin Valentine’s Day – you make it better. Valentine’s Day is filled with love, not just for couples, but that love is for anybody. So we are more than happy to spend Valentine’s Day with you two.”

“..You mean it?” Ruby looks up, pouting, but Keith smiles wide and nods as a response. “..Okay. But when we get home, Melody and I are making you two a giant heart with lots of glitter!”

Keith chuckles at this, while Hunk is ready to start sobbing. Some things never change.

15 – Secret Admirer/Confessing ( Canon )

There are no secret admirers on the castle ship. When Keith keeps finding little cards, with ‘from your secret admirer’ written on them, there’s only a small handful of people that these could be from.

Coran’s too old; Allura doesn’t look at him in that way.

Lance doesn’t like him; Shiro and him are best friends, perhaps closer than brothers.

Pidge doesn’t like love; and Matt and him were friends at the Garrison but there’s nothing between them.

All there is left is Hunk, and Keith is pretty certain Hunk doesn’t like him, until he keeps getting notes, leading Keith to the dining area on the castle ship, finding the lights off. He tries turning them on, but they seem to be broken – or at least, that’s what he thinks. Then he hears a couple of claps, and the room lights up with candles surrounding the dining area, and flowers in the middle of the table, and two silver looking domes on the table. Keith raises an eyebrow and approaches the table, finding a card with his name written in cursive writing on it.

“What on Earth..”

“We’re not on Earth, Keith,” comes a familiar voice and Keith turns, seeing Hunk in the doorway. “..Do you like it?”

“Uh.. it’s.. nice, yeah,” Keith is at loss for words, still trying to take all this in. “Why did you make the dining area like this? And where are the others? There’s only two domes here--”

“Keith,” Hunk interrupts him, stepping forward. “I was the one who left you all those notes.”

..Oh.

“I’m your secret admirer.” Hunk says. “I know, secret admirers aren’t a thing in space, but I couldn’t find a way to show you my feelings and.. this was the only way? I’ve.. liked you for a while, even if that didn’t show for how I treated you when you told us you found out you were Galra – and I still feel bad for that! But.. honestly? I have feelings for you, and it’s supposed to be Valentine’s Day back on Earth, so this was.. the only way for me to confess to you.”

“..Wow.” Keith breathes out, eyes wide and his heart pounding. “Uhm.. I don’t know what to say? I mean-- I’ve liked you too? So the feeling is mutual? I just.. I never had these feelings for anyone before? So I never knew how to react to these feelings I’ve had.”

“Well..” Hunk approaches him slowly, until they are just a foot apart, his cheeks flushed brightly. “do you want to try it?”

Keith looks at Hunk, his own cheeks bright, and then he looks at the lovely set up Hunk prepared for today. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t scared of how Hunk may feel when he learns more about Keith and his past. Keith bites his lip, knowing Hunk wants an answer right away. He takes in a deep breath and looks back up at Hunk.

“Y-yeah..” Keith says slowly at first. “Yes. I do. I’d like to try it.”

Hunk blinks for a moment, not believing that Keith actually agreed. He beams brightly at this.

“Great! That’s great!” Hunk grabs Keith by the wrist and pulls him to a chair, pulling it back. “Good. Have a seat and we can eat and.. talk.. I suppose.”

“You’re nervous, Hunk. Your hands are sweating.” Keith points out and Hunk pulls his hands away. “It’s.. fine. I’m nervous, too. But we’ll work on this.. together.. okay?”

“Y-yeah.” Hunk smiles wide. “Together.”

[marklipinski]

ARTspiration

Artists or art that turns me on and feeds my soul.  This piece is called FIRST CLASS by James Rieck, painted in 2016.  It’s 84″x60″ oil on canvas and its current price is $24,500

  YOKE DU YOUR

A father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it. The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I went to a movie.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I was drinking beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“

Detector: “Beep.”

Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”

Detector: “Beep.”

DESIGNspiration

Look around you. Design is everywhere! How can you incorporate the beauty that surrounds you into your art or craft?




IDEA I LOVE

I LOVE this folded felt bag.  When Jodie and I were filming Quilt Out Loud, we shot an episode from Brooklyn General Store in, of course, Brooklyn. They had an amazing selection of heavy felt and I’m sorry, to this day, that I didn’t buy some while I was there.  Here’s the tutorial for making this Fold Up Felt Bag (which I think is perfect for holding craft supplies):

http://www.instructables.com/id/Fold-up-Felt-Bag/?ALLSTEPS

EMBROIDERYspiration! 

Who doesn’t long for “Home Sweet Home” (especially when everything seems to be utter chaos)?   Settle in and embroider this easy and colorful pillow.  It’s the next best thing (or in my case, even better than) ever going back to Mayer Drive! :)   Here’s the tutorial:

http://www.homedit.com/embroidered-throw-pillow/

YUMMY DISH!

Thai Beef Stew with Lemongrass and Noodles

Ingredients

lemongrass stalks

garlic

kaffir lime leaves

chopped peeled ginger

Thai chiles

boneless beef chuck

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

vegetable oil

star anise pods

cinnamon stick

reduced-sodium soy sauce

fish sauce (such as nam pla or nuoc nam)

light brown sugar

unsweetened coconut flakes

shallots

carrots

scallions

wide rice noodles

Lime wedges

FOR THE FULL RECIPE, CLICK HERE  http://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/thai-beef-stew-lemongrass-noodles

  IDEA I LOVE

I’m kinda hoping that using this skin-loving, winter-hating coconut oil lotion bar won’t eat away your nail polish … I’m also hoping that the manicure above isn’t a new trendy fashion statement.  If the cold winds has your skin stinging and singing “How Dry I Am” then you might want to whip up a few lotion bars for yourself (wear gloves?!?).   Here’s how:

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Coconut-Oil-Lotion-Bar

BREATHLESS INSPIRATION 

Needlepoint artist, Ulla Stina Wikander of Sweeden, transforms old items and transforms them into needlepoint art by covering them in gorgeous needlepointed designs.  Take a look.  For more, here is a link t0 her website:  http://www.usw.se/konst/index.htm

SO DRINK, CHUG-A-LUG CHUG-A-LUG

WILLIAM FAULKNER’S HOT TODDY RECIPE

Faulkner’s niece gives directions for making his version of this hot wintry cocktail.

“Pappy alone decided when a Hot Toddy was needed, and he administered it to his patient with the best bedside manner of a country doctor. 

He prepared it in the kitchen in the following way: Take one heavy glass tumbler. Fill approximately half full with Heaven Hill bourbon (the Jack Daniel’s was reserved for Pappy’s ailments). Add one tablespoon of sugar. Squeeze 1/2 lemon and drop into glass. Stir until sugar dissolves. Fill glass with boiling water. Serve with potholder to protect patient’s hands from the hot glass.” 

Pappy always made a small ceremony out of serving his Hot Toddy, bringing it upstairs on a silver tray and admonishing his patient to drink it quickly, before it cooled off. It never failed.

Ingredients

Bourbon

Sugar

Lemon

Boiling Water

For original resource, CLICK http://literaryman.com/2012/09/25/faulkners-hot-toddy-cures-everything/

IDEA I LOVE

Sorry, you’re going to have to live with the bags under your eyes and crow’s feet that can hold a 3-day rain.  But if you want to get rid of wrinkled clothing without ironing, try this simple DIY Wrinkle Release Spray.  Here’s how:

http://www.popsugar.com.au/smart-living/DIY-Wrinkle-Release-Spray-42366839

WORDS TO LIVE BY

   IDEA I LOVE

Gather your indigo blues and make a patchwork clutch with sashiko!  Look, I know what traditional sashiko is.  I think I might up the ante of this generous tutorial and start mixing different colored threads, and even fabrics to make this project “my own.”  Start here for wonderous inspiration and for the tutorial:

http://www.lindseycrafterblog.com/2017/01/make-patchwork-clutch-with-sashiko.html]

MAN CAN LIVE BY BREAD ALONE!

MARZIPAN TWIST SWEET BREAD

  Ingredients:

Dough: milk sugar yeast flour salt butter lemon egg

Filling: almonds eggs sugar water almond extract

Glaze: powdered sugar, sifted emon juice water 

For the full recipe CLICK HERE:  https://cookiescakespiesohmy.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/dscn06802.jpg

MEMBA?

Formica kitchen tables . . .

And now a word  . . .

Now that the weather is cool, I’m heading back upstairs to continue clearing out my studio.  Get first dibs on all of my eBay listings when you follow the  Pickle Road Stash Busting page on Facebook!  Here’s the link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/PickleRoadStashBusting/

I also started a YouTube page and will, eventually be doing some live broadcasts and probably a few online classes there.  I will be uploading all of the Facebook Live videos to my channel first (and adding retroactive links to this blog).  I already have some uploaded and am working backward — hopefully, I can organize them later. Then, I’ll think about creating and adding original content.  Please subscribe to my channel, here:   https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeWRvfCwPVqbXXvphw6bsVg

If you missed the last Facebook LIVE, you can watch it here…

If you’d like me to address anything, comment or answer any specific questions on my live feed, please just email me and I’ll get right to it.  Email me at pickleroadstudios@me.com

COOKIES!

BUTTERMILK COOKIES

Ingredients

For cookies

all-purpose flour

grated lemon zest

baking soda

salt

unsalted butter

granulated sugar

eggs

pure vanilla extract

buttermilk

For glaze

confectioners sugar

buttermilk

pure vanilla extract

FOR THE FULL RECIPE, CLICK HERE  http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/buttermilk-cookies-241199

LOL

JUST BECAUSE, I SWOON 

This is a superb and early example of the brilliant Marimekko textiles that were made into simple clothing that went with the Marimekko lifestyle brand. The Marimekko company was founded in 1951 by Armi and Viljo Ratia and they quickly became known for making pieces of boldly printed fabric. The label on this dress dates it to the late 1960s and it is very unusual and striking in its cut. It is cut slim through the shoulders and then expands with a massive amount of volume from there. The sleeves mimic this with a narrow shoulder and then end in a wide cut sleeve. Both the hem of the dress and the sleeves are cut in gentle curves with the front portions of each significantly shorter then the back. The effect if these giant curves against the sharp angular print is genius. It is an amazing piece of fashion history. $625.00

IDEA I LOVE!  CROCHETspiration

This is called the OH MY crocheted blanket.  What a pretty stitch and the colors take me away from snowy Pickle Road to the beaches of San Juan, one of my favorite getaway places.

FOR THE FREE PATTERN, CLICK ON THE LINK:   http://www.mooglyblog.com/oh-my-blanket/

  BE DAZZLED!

  Chaumet Hortensia ring in pink gold, set with rubies, pink sapphires, diamonds, red tourmaline drops and an 8.6ct round faceted pink tourmaline in the centre.

PATCHWORK, BABY!  QUILTspiration!

WINGIN’ IT QUILT

Adapted from a Quilt Designed by Sandra Clemons for McCall’s Quilting

This free queen size quilt pattern is super easy and fast to piece! The Diamond Panes quilt blocks go together quickly and give an illusion of sashing when set together. Don’t miss the Wingin’ It lap quilt pattern in the McCall’s Quick Quilts issue

Download the FREE Wingin’ It queen size quilt pattern.

SHOEspiration

Don’t judge . . .

  IDEA I LOVE! VALENTINEspiration

Just about 4 weeks until Valentine’s Day. That means you have enough time to have this ‘Encircled Love’ mini-quilt table topper pieced and then actually quilted by Valentine’s Day 2037.  Here’s the tutorial:

http://kittensandthreads.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/EncircledLoveMiniQuiltPattern.p

IDEA I LOVE!  KNITspiration!

LOVE this KNITTED afghan worked in the Slip Stitch. The waffle weave it creates is perfect for the men in your life. The color choices here are terrific, too. No, we don’t need another Granny Square and/or Clam Shell stitched blanket, but thanks for asking.  Here’s the PDF pattern:

https://www.michaels.com/on/demandware.static/Sites-Site/Sites-siteCatalog_michaels_US/default/v1411505193064/project_pdf/54711_revised.pdf

GARDENspiration

This little fairy cup garden is super cute and easy to take care of (that is, if you’re not packing it with orchids).  It’s also an amazing little gift for a hostess, a sick friend, birthday surprise, or a just because I’m thinking of you.  Here’s how to make one:

http://www.thecraftaholicwitch.com/2016/08/20/create-a-cute-cup-garden/

MUST HAVE

Are there words for this? Are there?  Words?

Well, I don’t care. I don’t even have a cat and I want this handicat kitty finger puppet.  And it’s on sale.  Get yours here:

http://www.perpetualkid.com/handicat-kitty-finger-puppet/

IDEA I LOVE!

So you’ve spent a crap-load of dough on making a new quilt, to match your room.  Why not use your scraps to cover your switch plate for a total custom look?  All of your friends will be green with envy and begging you for the name of your decorator.   Start here:

http://tidymom.net/2010/fabric-covered-switch-plate-tutorial/

IDEA I LOVE

This DIY Coiled Rope Tassel Bowl would be great for holding all of your crochet hooks, rug-making hooks, spools of threads, notions or small rulers. Filling anything with ‘power bars’ is so foreign to me that it confused me. I mean, when you’re on a diet, don’t you eat all of them at one time?   Here’s how to make a rope bowl so you can put what you want in it:

http://fallfordiy.com/blog/2017/01/06/diy-coiled-rope-tassel-bowl/

IDEA I LOVE

Move your weave so you can hear me!  THIS PROJECT LOOKS LIKE HUGE FUN. Here’s how to make your own DIY woven scarf without a loom!  It’s like magic.  Here’s where you start:

http://www.hefty.co/dyi-woven-scarf/

DESSERT!

CLASSIC LEMON MERINGUE PIE

January 23, 2017 is National Pie Day

Ingredients

all-purpose flour

salt

shortening

cold water

FILLING:

sugar

cornstarch

all-purpose flour

salt

water

egg yolks

butter

grated lemon peel

lemon juice

MERINGUE:

sugar

cornstarch

cold water

egg whites

vanilla extract

FOR THE FULL RECIPE, CLICK HERE  http://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/classic-lemon-meringue-pie

IDEA I LOVE

The first time I saw a truly remarkable piece of Mexican yarn art was in the design studio of Karen Kay Buckley (I hope I’m remembering correctly).  I remember thinking then, “I wonder how they did that?”   This piece is super easy, elementary, and fairly uninspired, but, Oh cupcakes, imagine learning the technique then soaring with your own creative interpretation.  Learn the fundies here:

http://www.zombieswearinghelmets.com/2011/06/paint-with-yarn.html

 IDEA I LOVE

Judging from what I’ve been seeing online, it seems like avocados are the new trendy thang. I have to be honest, I would NEVER paint on a new shirt (unless I found it super cheap and then 75% off) but I would get a second-hand store blouse or shirt to customize.   Why look like everybody else?  Do your own Project Runway unique design challenge. Start with painting and changing buttons here:

http://studiodiy.com/2017/01/12/diy-avocado-buttons/

PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD

If you’re liking this blog Please tell your friends about it! I’d really appreciate it!  

Just cut and paste this into an email or post on your Facebook and Twitter pages:  

I LOVE this blog and think you will, too! Check it out:  https://marklipinskisblog.wordpress.com

PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT

PLUS . . . Recipes, Videos, Inspiration, Creativity, Ideas, and More!   ARTspiration Artists or art that turns me on and feeds my soul.  This piece is called FIRST CLASS by James Rieck, painted in 2016.