#he’s a real one for just fuckin off from social media during the off season lmao

[excelsior9173]

iv out here posting shit on his stories and loving the whole adding a song to it feature….

sir do you understand what you’re doing to me???

one photo with euclid and the next with tndnbtg??

i swear to god if those songs are involved in this upcoming tour i will not be coming home from montreal. i will simply pass away in that venue and haunt their asses forever

i haven’t yet seen these guys headline a show before and i am honestly pretty sure i will not survive the night emotionally lol

[statusexile]

Rip Off the Tag, Get Him Mad

Summary: Konig’s magnetic walk and mysterious mask make him a new darling in the fashion industry, and you manage to score an exclusive interview with him. You might not know what he looks like — but you sure do know what he tastes like.

Pairing: Konig x Reader

Warnings: afab!reader, dub con, dom!Konig, p-in-v, fellatio, mating press, dirty talk, brat taming, breeding kink, cum eating, creampie, badly translated German, reader goes by she/her pronouns, probably not very accurate in terms of both journalism and fashion but who cares I’m only here for sexy times.

Word count: 3,696 words

NSFW. MDNI!

a/n: Got inspired while listening to New Bottega by Azealia Banks and all I could picture in my head was supermodel!Konig for no reason lmao. As always, suggestion and feedback are always welcome along with reblogs and likes. Thank you for reading! ❤️

I put the boy in Galliano, now he’s a fuckin’ model

It was four in the morning and you had just landed in Vienna, your third destination for this week alone. Paris and Milan had taken their toll on your body, leaving you feeling so exhausted and jetlagged that you wondered if they had already become your permanent companions forever. Tired and bleary-eyed, you are ready for a break, but duty called.

You’re one of the most seasoned and notorious fashion journalists, never holding back on saying what everyone’s thinking, even if it means models walking out or crying during your interviews. It’s not personal though; you’re just doing your job, and damn, you’re good at it. Your knack for keeping it real and staying objective makes you stand out in the game.

You managed to sneak in a few hours of sleep before getting ready for Vienna Fashion Week. That afternoon, you rocked a cool vibe with an oversized black blazer that had this rad belt and chain combo going on. The vibe continued with a flowy, see-through black maxi skirt — the kind that made people do a double take. Toss in a mini bag swinging casually by your side, and you are ready to own the fashion week. Of course, the look wouldn't be complete without knee-high black boots, giving off major laid-back but put-together vibes. You kept your makeup minimal because you wanted your outfit to be the focal point of the entire look.

As you arrived at the event, fashion photographers and paparazzi started flocking to you, asking what you’re wearing and what you’re most excited to see during this fashion week. You posed for some photos and answered some questions. After navigating the sea of photographers, you made your way inside, where the atmosphere buzzed with the energy of influential figures in the fashion world, celebrities, and social media influencers. Greetings and compliments flowed as you mingled with the diverse crowd, exchanging smiles and posing for candid snapshots with some of the industry’s most notable figures.

You found yourself in the company of those who shaped the fashion landscape. The anticipation for the runway shows heightened as you took your seat in front row, surrounded by the pulsating energy of the fashion elite. The runway was set to unfold, promising a spectacle that would undoubtedly leave an incredible mark on this fashion week.

It was a runway showcasing the Fall/Winter ready-to-wear collection for men from one of the most prestigious high-fashion brands in the world. Anticipating a display of dark and muted tones, you were aware that the brand had embraced a theme this year focusing on leather. Getting a peek at this theme had you all hyped up, ready to see the slick and stylish gear they’re about to drop.

It doesn’t take long before the lights dim, signaling the start of the show. The sharp contrast between the dim lighting and focused spotlights heightens the dramatic atmosphere as models strut down the runway, showcasing the leather-themed collection. Stud appliques, dark makeup, and industrial styling add an edgy flair as they graze the runway. You’re making mental notes for your upcoming review, absolutely impressed with what you're witnessing. The collection has been really magnificent, surpassing your usual expectations.

The entire show lasted around fifteen minutes before the final model made his entrance. The man that has been the talk of the fashion industry for the last eight months. He strutted in wearing an absolutely grandiose leather coat, wearing a Swarovski-studded mask that covered his entire face. The confidence in his walk conveyed a commanding presence, making it seem as if the entire audience was under his control.

Konig, a native Austrian with real name, age and hair color unknown, stands six foot ten, weighing two hundred and seventy pounds and has piercing blue eyes. The man has been nothing but an enigma, seemingly appearing out of nowhere. Opening and closing runaways for prestigious high-end brands — a position that takes years for other models to secure. And what’s even wilder? He pulled it off within his first two months in the industry.

His social media has tens of millions of followers and zero following. The entire page is a curated showcase of his portfolios and videos of his runway walks, nothing more. It doesn’t seem like he’s the one handling his account either. Everything is perfectly set up, adding this extra layer of mystery to him.

You can’t help but wonder: Who is this man? Who’s behind his sudden meteoric rise? Is he a nepo baby? Is he some kind of industry insider pulling strings to get all these bookings without even having a single portfolio before? Could he be a pro basketball player doing a side gig in modeling? Or what if he’s an alien in human disguise? So many questions, but not a single answer. You’ve asked so many people in the industry about him, but it seems like nobody has a clue either.

You’ve seen his casting polaroids and test shoot photos, and even in those, he’s wearing a mask, revealing only his eyes. It really makes you wonder, because that’s the complete opposite of the purpose of taking those photos. They’re meant to showcase your bare face, not cover it up. Yet, somehow, he’s scoring bookings when practically no one has seen his face. How does he even manage to do that?

There are rumors circulating that just a very few high-profile figures in the industry actually know what he looks like, and they can be counted with one hand. Some claim he’s hiding an unflattering appearance under that mask, that’s why he insists on covering his face despite of his exceptional walk and stage presence. Others insist he looks like he’s actually sculpted by a Greek God himself, but he prefers recognition for his walk rather than his looks.

He’s also notorious for rejecting interviews and walking out on them. Even when he agrees to an interview, it's usually short and filled with vague answers. But one day, you send a proposal for an exclusive interview to his management and discover that he’s accepted your request, but he insists it should happen at his own home in Vienna. His request seems a bit unprofessional to you, but it’s your only chance to uncover who this man really is. So, you agreed on his term.

And fortunately for you, that lucky day is today.

After attending a handful more runway shows for the day, you’ve wrapped up your work and are heading back to your hotel. Now, you’re diving into drafting the upcoming articles slated for this fashion week, as you prepare to interview Konig, the man and the myth himself tonight.

Your heart is pounding with a mix of anticipation and nervousness, and you have no idea why. It’s been a long time since you’ve felt anything like this. You’ve interviewed dozens of models in your life, so what’s the difference between them and him? Usually, it’s them who are scared of you, not the other way around.

Brushing aside that feeling, you started preparing for the interview this evening. After a refreshing shower, you got dressed and did your makeup. Wearing a silk white long-sleeve shirt paired with a black pencil midi skirt and black stilettos, you finished the look with a bold choice — ruby red lipstick. For some reason, you’re feeling especially bold for tonight’s interview.

He lives not far from your hotel as you reached your destination in less than fifteen minutes. Following the address provided by his management, you entered the building and found his apartment. Without hesitation, you rang on the doorbell.

He opened the door in no time. It caught you off guard as it was the first time you’ve seen him up close. Describing him as tall seems like a massive understatement; his presence is downright colossal as he stands right in front of you. Dressed in a balaclava, a snug black t-shirt accentuating his sculpted body, and green army-colored cargo pants. This is the first time you’ve had a close look at his eyes, and they are breathtaking — a gorgeous shade of steely blue.

“I’ve been expecting you. Please, come in.” Konig said as he gestured for you to come inside.

As you entered his home, you could see that this man has an exquisite taste in decor. His loft has high ceilings and large windows, making the space feel open and airy. The brick walls and exposed piping create a natural, industrial feel, while the rich, warm tones of red and orange add a cozy touch to the space. The walls are adorned with numerous photographs of his work as a model.

He gestured for you to take a seat on the couch and asked what you’d like to drink. You told him water’s fine, so he disappeared into the kitchen for a bit. When he came back, he placed a glass of water on the coffee table in front of you. He sits on the couch across from you afterward.

“Konig, thank you very much for agreeing to meet with me for this interview. Our magazine really appreciates your time and willingness to share your story with us.” You told him as you took your phone out of your bag, opening the recording app on it.

He leaned back on the couch, crossing his arms. “Anything I could do to help, miss.” he said. You could hear his deep voice with a thick German accent as this is first time you heard him speak.

“By accepting this interview, you consent to being recorded during our conversation today, alright?” you said to him as you pushed the ‘record’ button on your phone. He only nodded in approval.

You began your interview by asking him cookie-cutter questions, such as what inspired him to pursue modeling as a career, how he handles the challenges of balancing work and personal life, who his fashion icons are and how they influenced his personal style, how he stays fit and healthy while maintaining a demanding modeling schedule, and how he handles criticism and negative feedback from the fashion industry and the public. And of course, he answered them all with cookie-cutter answers too.

You could hear the cockiness and smugness in his tone, and you could feel that it annoys you a little bit. Despite being a relative rookie in the scene, his ego seems to radiate through his presence. However, that’s precisely the reason you’re here for this interview — to unmask who this man actually is.

You’re now ready to ask him a tougher question, intending to push his buttons slowly but sure. You’ve convinced yourself that it’s going to happen today. It has to, because this is your only chance.

“Can you explain your reasoning behind the mask? Usually models rely on their facial features as a part of their appeal, so covering it seems counterintuitive.”

Konig seems a bit caught off guard by your question. He stays quiet for a moment, clearly thinking how to respond. You can see that the question has ticked him off a little bit.

“Is that your attempt at a compliment? I’m flattered. I can do whatever I want with my appearance.” Konig answered sarcastically, but the annoyance in his tone was crystal clear. “Besides, I don’t think it’s interrupting my work. I showcase the clothes on the runway, demonstrating what they need to sell. At the end of the day, that's what matters as a model, isn’t it?” he continues.

You can’t argue with him because, well, he’s right. He did his job exactly the way they wanted, and he’s damn good at it. So, all you can do is nod at his answer.

You kept your composure as you continue with your interview, “It’s been suggested that your parents are highly influential figures in the fashion industry and that their connections may have contributed to your quick rise to fame. How would you respond to those allegations?”

Konig let out a scoff, his tone dripping with mockery in response to your next question. “I get it, there are some rumors going around that my parents are some moguls in the fashion industry and they have connections that helped me get where I am today, but let me set this straight: my parents have never worked in the fashion industry and all the success I’ve achieved is because of my own hard work and determination. Just because my career has taken off doesn’t mean it isn’t legit.”

Konig is clearly annoyed at this point, but he still manages to answer your question. You’re surprised he hasn't kicked you out of his home yet. But when you’re about to ask your last question but he suddenly cuts you off,

“You’re really nosy, aren’t you?”

“What can I say, it comes with the job requirement.”

You finally manage to talk back to him because his attitude is clearly getting under your skin, just like your questions seem to annoy him. While he might believe he can act however he pleases, he’s unaware that you’re a journalist. If it weren’t for your commitment to integrity and professionalism, you could easily run your thoughts about his attitude at this point.

“Look, one last question and I’ll be out of your hair,” you told him, you can see his patience is clearly running low at this point. However, what he didn’t know is that you’re about to drop a bomb on him.

“Did you earn your success through talent or hard work or did you have to do… other thing to get where you are today?”

His eyes narrowed into a fierce glare while he stares at you, he clearly doesn’t like the question at all. You could practically feel the tension in the air as he clenched his jaw, gritting his teeth underneath that mask as a silent display of anger.

“I don’t like what you’re implying.”

“And my question still stands.”

He leans forward on the couch, anger flashing vividly in his eyes and now you can almost feel the heat of his irritation as he growls in frustration.

“You can cut through the formal bullshit and just say what you want to say.”

You take your phone from the coffee table and press the ‘stop’ button, finally responding to him in a calm manner.

“Did you fuck your way up to the top, Konig?”

And that was his breaking point. He suddenly stands up from his couch as he walks toward you, anger intensifying in his eyes. He grabs your chin forcefully, making you meet his gaze.

“Not only nosy, but you also have a filthy little mouth, aren’t ya, maus?” you could feel his strong hand squeezing your face so hard that it feels like he’s trying to break your jaw. It was so painful that you couldn’t answer to him at all.

“But don’t worry, I’m gonna do something about it, so you won’t run your filthy mouth anymore, especially at me.” he growls at you while his other hand is unbuckling his belt and unzipped his pants, revealing this thick, enormous cock, already dripping with precum. He grabbed it and then started smearing the precum on your face, slapping his cock a few times on your cheeks.

“You need some serious disciplining, maus. Didn’t they teach you at school that it’s not nice to curse at other people, hm?” Konig started to tease the tip of his cock of your lips, smearing your lips with his precum.

“You’re lucky that I’m here, maybe I can teach you a thing or two about how to behave towards other people. Now open that filthy fucking mouth.” his other hand squeezed your mouth open and he thrusted his cock inside your mouth, forcing you to engulf his entire length in one go, making you violently gag as you could feel his tip touched the back of your throat. And now, he moved his hand from your face to your hair, grabbing a handful of it as he rapidly fucking your mouth.

Tears began streaming down your cheeks, mascara and lipstick began to smear across your face. It’s getting hard for you to breathe because he shoved his cock so deep and slamming it on the back of your throat, pounding over and over again mercilessly. His grip is so strong; it feels like he’s going to rip your entire scalp off.

“Fuuuuck, this mouth of yours is so fucking tight and warm. You should consider leaving your current job and become my personal fuck toy, maus. I would love to use this filthy mouth however and whenever I want, it seems like it’s the only good use for it.” he snickers with a devilish gleam in his eyes while he keeps fucking your mouth relentlessly. You started choking on his length, but he didn’t seem to care, in fact, it made him slam his cock even faster.

It feels like this has been going on forever, and you’re afraid you might get lockjaw anytime soon. But you could feel he’s so close to orgasm as his cock starts twitching in your mouth.

“Oh fuck, I’m gonna cum. I hope you’re ready, schatz, because I’m gonna fill that filthy mouth real good,” he grunts as his thrust becoming more and more erratic. It only takes a couple more thrusts before he came, coating you’re the walls of mouth with his thick seeds.

Konig finally pulled his cock out from your mouth. His cum tastes so bitter, but when you’re about to spit it out, he forcefully grabbed your face again, now facing his face directly.

“You’re not allowed to spit it out. I want you to swallow it but only when I said so. Now be a good girl and keep it in your mouth, but if you didn’t, I can promise that you won’t like the punishment at all. Understood?” he snarls at you but your mouth is so full of his cum you so can only nod at his words.

“Good, because I’m not done with you,” Konig suddenly pushed you back down to the couch as he pulls your legs up forcefully, ripping the side of your tight skirt and yanked your panties, also ripping it in the process. He puts your legs around his waist as he put his cock on top your stomach, seeing how deep it’s gonna go inside of you.

“Hmmm, I don’t think the entire thing is gonna fit. But don’t worry, schatz, I’ll make it fit. I know you can do it, you’re a big girl after all.” Konig lightly taps your cheek, he’s trying to sound sweet but you hear the venom in his tone. You know at that moment he’s definitely going to destroy you.

“Are you on the pill?” he asked again. You can only shake your head, hoping that he’ll go easy on you. “Heh, good.” he suddenly pulled your legs up over his shoulder and titled towards you, he then whispers in a husky tone,

“Weil ich dich so hart ficken werde, bis du mich zum Papa machst.”

His cock suddenly dipping into you, makes you nearly chocked on his cum. You can feel the tip of his cock stretched your cervix thin, slamming the same spot repeatedly as he folds your body like an origami. You feel like you’re going to sprain your neck if you stay in this position for a long time, but of course he didn’t care. He keeps using your body like you’re his personal cum dumpster.

You’re trying to protest but you can’t open your mouth, otherwise you’re gonna spill out his cum and you definitely don’t want that. Only a stifled whimper escapes your lips. He chuckled in response to your failed attempt at protest.

“Not”—thrust—“so”—thrust—“nosy”—thrust—“any”—thrust— “more”—thrust—“aren’t”—thrust—“you”

He’s pounding you hard and fast with each syllable of his words. Your eyes rolled back to the back of your head. Your mind went numb at the intense pleasure.

“Your pussy is so fucking tight, and it’s all mine to use.” he growls at you as he keeps fucking you mercilessly. You’re not on the pill and he’s not using a condom, so there’s a chance he’s going to get you pregnant after this, but they way he’s fucking you so hard and so good makes you not want him to stop until both of you are satisfied.

You can feel he’s close to orgasm again and so are you. Just a couple more thrusts, he finally came inside of you as both of you reached your climax at the same time. Filling you with his thick, milky white cum. Your cheek throbs with pain, your mind feels foggy, and your vision blurs into static.

Konig finally put down your legs, as he seeing his thick cum oozing from your now sore, puffy cunt. He gazes at it, amusement and desire dripping from his eyes. “Now swallow my cum, maus. Stick your tongue out when you’re done, I wanna see you swallow it all.”

You obey him as you swallowed all his cum and sticks out your tongue as a prove. “What an obedient girl.” he said, you can see him smiling through his mask.

He pulls up his pants and plop down next to you on the couch, while you’re still catching your breath and trying to gain your composure.

“I’ll be in New York in two days, and I assume this interview isn’t over. I will tell my manager to send you the hotel address where I’m staying and the room number. I’m expecting to see you there.” he said softly as he caresses your hair gently.

You replied, “I will come, but with one condition: I want to see your face. Otherwise, it's not going to happen.”

He chuckled at your request, “If you play your cards right, that request is not off the table,” he said as he keeps caressing your hair, “But only if you’re a good girl, okay, beautiful?”

He scooches over towards you, leaning as he whispers in your ear,

“Otherwise, I’ll use you just like I use the rest of them.”

[jamiefantana]

Earth. You Don't Have To Be Crazy To Live Here. But It Helps.

   The Office is pretty popular with millennials… but it’s also become pretty basic.  If the blog “Stuff White People Like” still existed, The Office would be on it.  Let’s face facts, it’s like Friends except higher quality.  It was hurt by lasting nine seasons and for being so omnipresent online.  There’s an endless amount of Tinder bios for “Pams looking for their Jims.”  I am here to tell you that the camera crew followed the wrong people on The Office.  We shouldn’t have been following P&J.  

   We should’ve been following Ryan.

   Ryan was relatable.  He was ambitious, flawed, fucked up.

   Look, a few words on Jim and Pam first.  There’s nothing more dull or grating than a self-satisfied smug married couple with no real problems.  Individually, they had their moments.  Pam crying in the interview room when talking about how unrealistic it is to want a house with a flower box.  Her quitting art school and failing.  Jim throwing a party and not inviting Michael.  Jim throwing a party exclusively to get Pam in his bedroom.  These are real moments.

   But Jim as an audience surrogate, or a straight man?  You mean a 6’3 good-looking guy in his twenties who dated Amy Adams, Rashida Jones, and had Cathy Simms throwing herself at him is supposed to be the everyman?  Bullshit.

   No.  Fuckin’ Ryan Howard, man.

   “I miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to.”

   Nobody gives a shit about your interoffice drama, Pam.  In fact, Ryan was one of the few people to call them out.

   “Little advice?  Take a break from the whole Jim schtick.  Try caring about something.  You might like how it feels, James.”

   And you know what?  James actually listened.

   What was the arc of Jim and Pam?  Two people had emotional affairs with each other, eventually got together, got married, had two kids, bought a house, started a new business, quit the job they hated and lived happily ever after?

   Boring.

   What was Ryan’s arc?  Start out as a temp.  

   “Just think, that temp agency could’ve sent you anywhere.” “I think about that all the time.”

   He hates his meaningless job.

   “If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I had ever been here.  And I’d forget, too.”

   Eventually he gets promoted, realizes he’s bad at his job, gets all coked up, gets arrested, fired.  Michael finds him with a bad bleach job working at a bowling alley.  Eventually he gets rehired, ends up as the receptionist, starts an unsuccessful social media company, follows a bunch of weird trends, has a kid with a rando and ends up with custody, then pawns the kid off to some British lady and runs off with his ex-girlfriend.

   I mean, now that’s a ride.  And funny enough, more relatable.  

   Ryan isn’t some 6’3, probably former high school athlete, who simultaneously can make a ton of sales while being able to play pranks on the creepy loner coworker in-between harassing the receptionist.  He came to Dunder Mifflin with the hopes of learning enough about business, or making the connections to start his own business.  He was working during the day and attending grad school at night.  He ends the last season by packing all of his clothes in a trash bag and getting on a Greyhound bus.  

   Starting out hardworking and full of hope, and ending up jaded and broke.

   Ryan Howard is the millennial.

   “A toast to the troops.  All the troops.  Both sides.”

   I mean, I can only aspire to this level of petty.

[pacinothot]

Well done, Baku

Pairing: Daniel Ricciardo x Reader

Word count: 1.2k

A/N: This fic was requested by a lovely anon, who asked me to write a fic where the reader cheers our mans up after a shitty qualifying. Dear anon, here it is, I hope you enjoy it!

To say that the start of the season had been difficult for Daniel was an understatement. Week after week he struggled to even get into Q2 - it wasn’t for a lack of trying, or a lack of focus. He worked harder than he ever had behind the scenes, but fans and haters on social media rarely ever got to see that side. Qualifying at the Baku city circuit had started off well enough; Dan had managed to get into Q2. But he’d only made it to P13. Meanwhile his teammate had made it to P6. 

The atmosphere was heavy and dark in your side of the garage. Engineers and mechanics looked disappointed, and Tom was whispering words of encouragement to Daniel as he drove back from the track. Once he arrived and the car was parked, he climbed out and then stormed out. He needed some time to cool off and be by himself, which wasn’t unusual after a bad qualifying. 

You watched as Michael rubbed his forehead and Blake massaged his temple. They knew what kind of onslaught the critics were going to unleash on Dan on social media. And, worst of all, how Dan, who was his own worst critic, would react. Even though he pretended not to be affected by it in front of the cameras during interviews, the three of you got to see the real him. He did put on a brave face even in private, but lately it had become difficult for him to pretend he was fine. He wasn’t complaining, but he was frustrated. He put so much work in, but the results didn’t show a sign of said hard work. 

Adding to that, Daniel hadn’t seen his family for more than a year. It was slowly starting to bear down on him. No amount of facetimes and calls could replace a hug from your parents, or a kiss from your niece and nephew, or even a teasing hit on your shoulder by your sibling. You did your best to support them, but you couldn’t replace his family. 

“Y/N, you should go see him before the interviews,” Michael said, amidst the bustle in the garage.

“On my way.” 

You walked across the paddock to Dan’s motorhome, where you found him sitting on the sofa, cradling his head in his large hands. He looked absolutely devastated and it broke your heart. The energy in the room is heavy, heavier than back in the garage. You can almost feel the negative energy radiating off Daniel. 

“Hey,” you said, voice soft. “I’m sorry.” 

Dan looked up at the sound of your voice. Frustration is written all over his face. He’s frowning, the shadows under his eyes have grown darker, his face looks haggard. His hair is askew - you can tell he’s run his hands through it. His eyes are filled with anger, sadness and resignation, but there’s a little bit of the signature honey badger fight left in them, too. A light that never goes out. 

You walked over to him, and he pulled you into his arms before you even had the chance to sit down. His head was resting against the soft of your belly, his hands intertwined at the small of your back. You pressed his head against you with one hand, and raked your nails across his scalp with the other. Soft mewls escaped his plush lips and you could feel him relax beneath your touch. 

“Want me to give you a blowjob to unwind?” You asked, and you can feel him chuckling against your body.

“No, but thanks for the offer.” He sighed. “I’m not really in the mood for any funny business,” he jokes, “I just wanna be held.” 

“Well, then I’m gonna do that, my love.” You whispered softly.

“I love when you call me that”, he said. “Makes me feel like less of a loser.”

“Dan, listen to me,” you curled a knuckle beneath his chin and tilted his head up so he faced you. “I know joking like this is your method of deflection, but I never, ever wanna hear you call yourself a loser again. You’re one of the hardest working drivers on the track. I see you put that work in every single fucking day. You’ve struggled before and come out of it stronger. The car is not suited to your driving style. So you adapt your driving style. You’re gonna get there. I know you will. And so do you.”

Dan’s eyes were brimming with tears and for once the never quiet honey badger is lost for words. He just rested his head against you again, breathing heavily. You continued to rake your nails against his scalp, and Dan relished in the prickling feeling that travels down his back. 

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I know.” You smiled. “I love you, too.” 

You stayed in that position for a little while longer, until there was a knock at the door, beckoning your man to the inevitable interviews. With a heavy heart, Dan got up from the sofa. He cradled your head in his large hands and his hazel eyes stared into yours. It was intense - honey badger ferocity intense. 

He leaned in and captured your lips in a searing kiss; there was passion behind it, but more than that, Dan expressed his gratefulness, his desire, and his love for you in that kiss. He tasted faintly of mint gum and himself. You’ll never grow tired of his taste. 

You grabbed his cap from the little coffee table in front of the sofa and placed it on his head; then you handed him his water bottle. 

“It’s almost like my mum is here,” he teased, a big smile brightening up his face. The way his eyes crinkle when he smiles or laughs will always make your heart jump in your chest. 

“Shut the fuck up, Ricciardo,” you grumbled jokingly.

His grin grew even wider. You rolled your eyes at him and he pulled you flush against him with his free arm, before sneaking another kiss.

“Stop or you’re gonna be late for your interviews.” 

“Yeah yeah yeah, mum.” He laughed and you simultaneously wanted to slap and ride him.

He turned serious for a moment, rubbing the small of your back. 

“I’m so grateful to have you in my life. I know I don’t tell you enough. I should really work on that.” 

You felt your cheeks grow hot and hid your face in the hollow of his neck.

“Have I got you all flustered babe?”, he asked, and the shit eating grin was evident in the tone of his voice. 

“No?” You mumbled, and you felt the low rumble of his chuckle against your skin.

“You’re adorable when you get flustered,” he continued, and you looked up at him. 

“You only say that because you enjoy teasing me like that.”

“Two things can be true at the same time, no?”

“Whatever,” you rolled your eyes, before pecking his cheek and slapping his bum. “Now get your cheeky little arse out there and do your job.”

He untangled himself from you and slapped your butt in response. 

“See you at the hotel,” he kissed you again, before turning around and opening the door, where his PR guy was waiting for him.

You watched as he walked out of the room, bouncing with each step. At least for now, it seemed like he’d put himself back together.

Tags: 

@supernaturallymarvellous // @scotlynaurora // @mickdidthat​

[jinhwanxobs]

munday 4! (plus the other ones kinda?)

       this is my first munday here so hi everyone~! quick introduction as well i suppose (sort of summarizing a few of the other munday things) -- i’m grey and i use they/them pronouns! i am a college senior, comp. sci. major. i’ve written for fun since i could actually write, but I’ve been roleplaying (krp specifically) since fall 2014! (i’m also in central timezone -- an hour behind obscura main timezone). I don’t particularly have a strong preference for any kind of writing genre; it’s all more or less fair game! 

i’m sorry this is so long lmfao

munday 1!

What is your ultimate weakness; what makes you feel all soft and squishy inside?

“cute” things? ...my biases usually...

Write the first thing to come to mind in caps: BUT WHY Three random facts about you: i used to know how to play piano, i’ve owned a pokemon game from every generation except for the wii games (which do not count), and my bias groups are vixx, infinite, btob, f(x) and bts.

munday 2!

If your muse(s) could describe you in a few words, what would they say?

“at least they’re clean...”

What is the most wicked thing you could imagine your character doing?

as a witch he could very well slip into warlock-dom at a point so i’m not sure how general this should be -- magic can really fuck you up, kids. as it currently stands he’s... i could see him ruining someone’s life on social media or something if they really pissed him off though

If your muse(s) were real, would you fight them?

yes. he’d probably beat me on size alone. probably. but it’d be worth it

What object would you erase from existence if given the opportunity?

cigarettes. the smoke and residue makes me so sick

If you had a billion dollars and could only spend it, what would you buy first?

that’s a lot of money. i’d buy a service that’d help me invest it? or something? and pay off my loans. i’m not a very material person so i... have no idea.... outside of housing and donating most of it and helping out my friends

If you could play any sport, what would it be?

does dance count as a sport?? i love watching excellent and intense choreography and i do like to dance but i am very awkward-limbed

Do you have any fun hobbies or talents you’d like to share?

i like to draw! i actually write fanfic outside of rp too. mmm i like to cook/bake as well, and i like to play video games when i get the chance

Do you have/want any pets? 

i want a cat.......... please let me have a cat...........

munday 3!

What’s the luckiest thing that’s ever happened to you?

well if i’m being a sap i’d say meeting all of my rp friends; i’m extremely fortunate in that regard. but as a more specific thing, i’d say my love live luck is pretty damn incredible. my best girl fuckin loves me. when scouting for job kanan i did 6 pulls, ur came home TWICE as did the hanamaru ssr also twice, as well as another ur and two ssrs?? and i’ve gotten every one of her cards that’s come out since then?? she’s too good to me

If you could attend any concert or event right now without any obstacles, what would you choose?

i would die (my anxiety would kill me) but a vixx concert with a hi-touch event

What’s your dream vacation?

being at the ocean (can you say beautiful, destin sands) with no pressure of going anywhere, meeting anyone. just lazing in the sand and swimming out into the water. getting caught in the waves sometimes but feeling all sun warm and happily worn at the end of the day

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate? Any style preferences?

tea! hot tea i can drink with or without sugar but my cold/ice tea has to be sweet -- (bubble) milk tea is also so so good

A game you love ( traditional, video, etc )?

i love pokemon......... i’ll say it ten thousand times....... hoenn is my favorite region (i love the routes around fortree....)

Favorite/Number one go-to internet meme?

Least favorite internet meme?

Something that makes you want to flip a table?

hmm... i’d have to be in the moment of flipping the table to tell you

In your opinion, do you fit the stereotyped traits of your western zodiac sign? Do you believe that another sign fits you better? What about your muse?

i don’t know? i think i’m perhaps more like a taurus than a libra. i don’t really understand the stereotypes very well. uuuh... jinhwan? he doesn’t fit the stereotyped traits of an aries either. maybe gemini?

Post a gif of what you’re currently feeling right now.

munday 4!

Do you prefer to brainstorm your plots or wing them? Do you have no preference in either?

i’m not so sure so far as what winging a plot would be -- i like to have a pretty good idea of what’s going to happen. not necessarily detail by detail, but having a good idea of the setting and how long a thread will go, if there might need to be any location changes or time skips possibly?? those are good things to discuss. you can’t always tell how a muse will react to things until you’re writing them in that moment, so it’s good to be flexible in regard to those changes too ouo

What kind of writing memes do you like, if any (sentence starters, drabble memes, head-canon memes, etc)?

i don’t particularly like sentence starters, as it’s hard for me to come up with fitting context for them. i love headcanon memes for sure but it’s a bit hard for me to say for anything else, as i’ve not had a lot of experience with them!

What’s the easiest way to plot with you? Alternatively, what is the easiest way to contact you for plotting?

give me all your ideas, any ideas!! even if they’re very silly to begin with (mine often are) there might be a good idea for a plot buried in there~ i’ll do the same but please do let me know if i need to slow down haha discord is the single best way of getting ahold of me (thru dms) please do not hesitate to add me and send me a message! on tumblr through dms is totally fine too but i sometimes lose track of them ;;

What kind of movies/television series/dramas/anime/etc do you like to watch?

i love animated stuff! most anime, western stuff like legend of korra, atla, steven universe, young justice, teen titans, etc.; i like action movies i guess? superhero stuff is pretty alright but uh pacific rim and mm: fury road are two of my favorite movies. unless it’s pretty gripping i have trouble paying attention (and also no matter what it is i usually prefer to watch with subs bc i always get a lot more out of it that way)

Would you be interested in the occasional group viewing of a movie/series/drama/cartoon/etc, if one were to be organized?

YELL HES. i have a ton of studio ghibli movies and also all three seasons of atla and all seasons of legend of korra, if i can just figure out how to stream them i’d love to help with that sort of thing also??? ?????

If yes to the above, do you have any specifics in time or day as to when you are available to attend? If no, is there any group activity that you would be interested in participating in (ie, games of some sort)?

bruh i’m down for anything. i’ll have school coming up here this next week but i’ll for the most part be free on the weekends outside of coding and doing schoolwork and hunting bugs. i’m done with class by the evening all during the week too

If you were caught up in a food fight, what food would you throw first?

oh geez... something that wouldn’t hurt? i’d probably just be trying to get out of there asap lmfao

If you could be any mythological beast, which one would you be and why?

DRAGON. NATURALLY. big dumb scaley dog with a big pile of shiny things in a hoard. that me -v-

Top five things that make you happy?

i don’t know about top five! but here’s a few... giving someone something that you’ve thought they’d really like and actually making their day; lazy background music and ambient noises in a place of solitude; chicken tikka masala with rice and naan; drawing silly things; ...pokemon? anything and everything about it?

Share a picture! It could be of your bias, a cute animal, a drawing, a meme, an anime wife—anything you’d like!

[adambstingus]

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Malcolm, Go Back To Your Home On Whore Island

The worst/best show on television is back and lucky for you, the worst/best recapper you know is back too. You’re welcome.

TBH I was heavily considering not recapping this show because I was thinking about living my life and stuff, but then I saw this shit show of a cast (and also how bad the Bachelor is) and I just knew in the dark pits of my soul that I couldn’t let this show go.

LET’S BEGIN NOW

First major change—they are in New Orleans now. Probably a good thing. They weren’t getting too much variety in the Dominican Republic. You can only play with monkeys so many times until you’re like “so, where are the buildings with electricity?”

Also, Terrence J is the new host. RIP to the best father figure most of the contestants ever had, Ryan Devlin.

Let’s review some of the dumb things we learned/that were said during introductions to everyone:

TYLER: “I told her that I was okay with her hooking up with another guy and I wasn’t!” Cool story, Hansel.

UCHE: “I’m with all these guys I’m not supposed to be with! Football players, rappers, all the cool guys.” That’s a weird way of saying you’re a fuckin’ loser.

KEYANA: “I want to be everywhere with my boyfriend. I want to wear a vile of his blood around my neck and drink from it from time to time. What.” (paraphrase)

JOE’S MOM: “My son brings home idiots, which is amazing because he sells pot for a living and it shocks me that Harvard grads aren’t lining up to date him.”

NICOLE: “I’m trapped in this hookup culture!!!” She acts like she’s been kidnapped in a third world country rather than being asked for dick pics.

KAREEM: “Where I’m from, don’t nobody ever touch a million dollars.” Yeah, they clearly don’t read books or attend basic English classes either.

MICHAEL: “I get like 25-50 DM’s from girls a day wanting to date me. None of them speak English though, so lo siento bitches, no dates for you.” Also, Mike, they are all probs like 14. Judging from the acne on your face, you probably are too.

FIRST CHALLENGE

Terrence J shows the girls something the boys find important and the girls have to raise their hands if it’s important to them too. Moderate Instagram fame has to be on this list.

First is football. Audrey raises her hand and she’s like “Why do I like football? Why do I not like football?! I love football!!!”

AUDREY DURING FOOTBALL GAMES: 


Football was Malcolm’s pick and he’s like “I love football because that’s the only reason my dad loves me” and the girls are all like “AW THAT’S SO SWEET!” Nothing moisturizes the kitty like deep-rooted familial issues, amirite.

Next is the piano, and Keyana is like “I like music!” while the rest of the girls apparently prefer silence? Her match is Ethan, the guy who looks like Rob Dyrdek if he ate Rob Dyrdek. He’s very excited to go on his first date ever and is just itching to call his mom and tell her all about it.

Turns out he’s a rapper. Fuck. There is always one “rapper” every season and they are almost always bordering on albino.

ETHAN: “E-Money gets the girls, but Ethan doesn’t.” How many of you are there?

REAL PICTURE OF ETHAN:

Next picture is some religious stuff and the girls are like “I only go down on my knees for one thing, and it ain’t our lord and savior.” Too bad—it was Clinton’s pick and he’s a fine-ass mother fucker. Jesus wept making that fine specimen and that should tell you something, since I’m a Jew.

Next picture is a condom and Jada is like “HEEEEEEEEEEY.”

JADA’S ROLE ON THIS SHOW:

Chad is the one that picked a condom and he’s like “yeah, I like sex, so what?” Chad reminds me of the guy you tell your sorority little to avoid at frat parties.

CHAD: “Look at me, I’m the Chad!” I’M SORRY, unless you are Tom Green yelling to Drew Barrymore from a boat, you are not the fuckin’ Chad!!! Wait, is his name Shad? THAT IS EVEN WORSE.

Anyways, all the couples are going on a date. Thrilling.

ON TO THE HOUSE

Of course it’s time for shots and more introductions.

ZOE: “Guys don’t like me, they just want to wear my thighs as earmuffs.” Oddly specific but ok.

JOE: “I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness and so far the only thing I have ever witnessed is me still being a virgin”

Joe’s going to be that castmate that I can’t tell is hot. He always looks like he is squinting into the sun but I would def let him in if he came knocking on my door wanting to sell a bible.

Keyana immediately tells Michael that she follows him on Instagram and he’s like “very cool, do you speak English?” Also, Keyana do you need to refill your shitty beer? Because you look fucking THIRSTY.

Ethan is already hating himself and saying that he’s going to sit in a corner all season and now I’m just upset. No one puts Ethan in a corner!

KEYANA: So you wear a shoe on each foot?


MIKE: Yeah


KEYANA: omg so do I. Let’s get married.

Uche and Chocolate Jesus (Clinton’s new nickname for the season—CJ) are def hitting it off.

CLINTON: “Girls tell me they love me on social media, but it’s like, I’m a person. Do you ever think there is more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking?”

Malcolm and every girl in the house start flirting. So that’s that.

MALCOLM: “I have ladies every day of the week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…. The other days. You get it.”

He meets Diandra, who is wearing hoops so big that the Kardashian family is in awe. She’s like “if I start calling you Papi, I’m interested.” Good thing it sounds sexy in Spanish. If I started calling dudes “Daddy” they would immediately refer me to a therapist.

Keith and Alexis start bonding over lung disease and her possibly incestuous ways.

ALEXIS: So you have your cousins, and then your first cousins, and your cousins with teeth. They are all fair fucking game.

Apparently Alexis is trying to rid herself of the redneck stereotype but it’s hard to take her seriously when she’s downing Bud Light one second and chain smoking cigarettes the next.

Keith is like “you should stop smoking. How about every time you smoke I spank you?” Is this a Narcotics Anonymous-approved method of prevention? Also, Keith and Alexis look like the perfect Trump-voting couple.

KEITH: “How about every time you mention building the wall I smack my own ass, yeehaw.”

Theeeeennnn they start making out and talking about butt stuff, as one does 30 minutes after meeting someone. Off to the boom room they go to make more babies that Alexis’ cousin can possibly fuck.

Keith apparently rocks Alexis’ world and he’s like “yeah I have pretty good reviews on Yelp.” Which is a place for businesses so congrats, you’re an escort.

Michael and Keyana take the first shower makeout scene for me. She’s like “I’ve never met someone who asks me about myself” and it’s like, well how do you usually meet people? Does no one ask you, like, what your name is?

THE DATE


MTV has decided to get as close as possible to killing one of these cast members and takes them to a bar as their date. We’re really pushing these livers to the limit here.

Ethan is trying to make small talk with Keyana and she is acting like she would rather be lit on fire than be a kind of nice person to an overall really nice guy. He eventually is like “I get it, you like Michael.” And I swear to god she breathes a sigh of relief.

She says he “asked about her and he actually cared” and it’s like, really? It had nothing to do with the alcohol and fact that your hand was down his pants most of the time?

They are presented with booze and a jazz band comes in. They’re like “what are the odds you get shit faced and listen to jazz in New Orleans?!”

Audrey and Malcolm are hanging out and she’s like “you’re a player, I can tell” and he’s like “I’m 25 now! I’m serious now!” he says as he chugs alcohol on a reality show on national television.

He claims he isn’t a player anymore because a “female” cheated on him once and it hurt. Boo, sad story. Anyone who calls a girl a female is a hard no from me.

AUDREY: I hope he ends up being different then the guy I know he is and always has been.

BACK AT THE HOUSE


The house is debating who to put in the Truth Booth and Diandra is like “Malcolm looks like Trey Songz!” (which he does) and Nurys is like “YOU JUST WANNA FUCK HIM DON’T YOU?!” Okay there, I’m gonna need to you to pop a quick Xanax and take a lap for a second.

Nurys is like “I am a hugely aggressive girl for literally no reason and sometimes people don’t like me for that.” Hmm, wonder why.

TRUTH BOOTH

Ethan and Keyana go to the Truth Booth and Keyana is looking for the nearest knife to stick in her neck. She heard Mike has a neck fetish, so yeah.

Ethan and Keyana are like “we get it, we’re not compatible” and Keyana is thinking of getting it tattooed on her body. Let’s remember, they were voted in because they “both like music” which we all know, is a true stepping stone to a love connection.

Of course, they get a no match BUT that’s not the worst part of this whole thing. The WORST part is Keyana acting like a straight-up fucking bitch when they get a no match. I get it, you like Michael and you want to have his vanilla-ass babies so they can surf into the sunset and live a life full of missionary sex, HOWEVER you did not need to be like “YES, I’M PARTYING TONIGHT BECAUSE WE’RE NOT A MATCH!!!”

That’s not a paraphrase made by me, that’s a quote and frankly, it’s a fucked up one. And that’s coming from a fucked up person.

Ethan’s like “I’ve never seen someone so excited to get away from me” and I think every single person watching (aka me and 15 people who read this recap) were either a) about to cry for this actual nice guy or b) so fucking annoyed with Keyana for acting like she’s soooo much better than him. Anyone with a chest tattoo is not at the liberty to belittle people. That is a job strictly reserved for me. Now that we got that lecture out of the way…

OTHER STUFF

Ethan starts downing red wine and freestyle rapping. Aka me on any given night.

They start playing a game of sexy truth or dare, because they are original like that.

Malcolm and Diandre make out, Clinton and Uche make out, Michael licks Keyana, it’s all pretty generic.

Shad or Chad or whatever his fucking name is asks Alexis to kiss everyone in the house and she’s like okay and says “mama didn’t raise no bitch.” Incredible. I want that on a cross stitch. She proceeds to make out with everyone. Just like her mama intended.

KEITH: “She’s a little wild and idk if I trust her.” Really? This is the hard line for you? Not when she implied that she fucks her cousins?

Geles and Michael bond over the fact that they have large Hispanic families and it’s like, who is going to send me some tamales? Hit me up.

Nurys is getting pissed because DD (Diandre) is still talking to Malcolm when she likes him. She’s like “DD is obviously insecure!” and it’s like, hmmm okay sweetie.

Second shower makeout session goes to DD and Malcolm. Really? Now it’s just getting cliché. Isn’t there a closet you can take this to?

Of course, the moment DD goes to sleep Nurys is like DGAF and her and Malcolm start making out. DAMN. Okay. That’s how it’s gonna be. Then he hops back into bed with DD.

MALCOLM: I’m not a player. I promise I’m not a player.

Okay, Big Pun. Anyway, see you all next week.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/are-you-the-one-recap-malcolm-go-back-to-your-home-on-whore-island/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/180768851792

[allofbeercom]

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Malcolm, Go Back To Your Home On Whore Island

The worst/best show on television is back and lucky for you, the worst/best recapper you know is back too. You’re welcome.

TBH I was heavily considering not recapping this show because I was thinking about living my life and stuff, but then I saw this shit show of a cast (and also how bad the Bachelor is) and I just knew in the dark pits of my soul that I couldn’t let this show go.

LET’S BEGIN NOW

First major change—they are in New Orleans now. Probably a good thing. They weren’t getting too much variety in the Dominican Republic. You can only play with monkeys so many times until you’re like “so, where are the buildings with electricity?”

Also, Terrence J is the new host. RIP to the best father figure most of the contestants ever had, Ryan Devlin.

Let’s review some of the dumb things we learned/that were said during introductions to everyone:

TYLER: “I told her that I was okay with her hooking up with another guy and I wasn’t!” Cool story, Hansel.

UCHE: “I’m with all these guys I’m not supposed to be with! Football players, rappers, all the cool guys.” That’s a weird way of saying you’re a fuckin’ loser.

KEYANA: “I want to be everywhere with my boyfriend. I want to wear a vile of his blood around my neck and drink from it from time to time. What.” (paraphrase)

JOE’S MOM: “My son brings home idiots, which is amazing because he sells pot for a living and it shocks me that Harvard grads aren’t lining up to date him.”

NICOLE: “I’m trapped in this hookup culture!!!” She acts like she’s been kidnapped in a third world country rather than being asked for dick pics.

KAREEM: “Where I’m from, don’t nobody ever touch a million dollars.” Yeah, they clearly don’t read books or attend basic English classes either.

MICHAEL: “I get like 25-50 DM’s from girls a day wanting to date me. None of them speak English though, so lo siento bitches, no dates for you.” Also, Mike, they are all probs like 14. Judging from the acne on your face, you probably are too.

FIRST CHALLENGE

Terrence J shows the girls something the boys find important and the girls have to raise their hands if it’s important to them too. Moderate Instagram fame has to be on this list.

First is football. Audrey raises her hand and she’s like “Why do I like football? Why do I not like football?! I love football!!!”

AUDREY DURING FOOTBALL GAMES: 


Football was Malcolm’s pick and he’s like “I love football because that’s the only reason my dad loves me” and the girls are all like “AW THAT’S SO SWEET!” Nothing moisturizes the kitty like deep-rooted familial issues, amirite.

Next is the piano, and Keyana is like “I like music!” while the rest of the girls apparently prefer silence? Her match is Ethan, the guy who looks like Rob Dyrdek if he ate Rob Dyrdek. He’s very excited to go on his first date ever and is just itching to call his mom and tell her all about it.

Turns out he’s a rapper. Fuck. There is always one “rapper” every season and they are almost always bordering on albino.

ETHAN: “E-Money gets the girls, but Ethan doesn’t.” How many of you are there?

REAL PICTURE OF ETHAN:

Next picture is some religious stuff and the girls are like “I only go down on my knees for one thing, and it ain’t our lord and savior.” Too bad—it was Clinton’s pick and he’s a fine-ass mother fucker. Jesus wept making that fine specimen and that should tell you something, since I’m a Jew.

Next picture is a condom and Jada is like “HEEEEEEEEEEY.”

JADA’S ROLE ON THIS SHOW:

Chad is the one that picked a condom and he’s like “yeah, I like sex, so what?” Chad reminds me of the guy you tell your sorority little to avoid at frat parties.

CHAD: “Look at me, I’m the Chad!” I’M SORRY, unless you are Tom Green yelling to Drew Barrymore from a boat, you are not the fuckin’ Chad!!! Wait, is his name Shad? THAT IS EVEN WORSE.

Anyways, all the couples are going on a date. Thrilling.

ON TO THE HOUSE

Of course it’s time for shots and more introductions.

ZOE: “Guys don’t like me, they just want to wear my thighs as earmuffs.” Oddly specific but ok.

JOE: “I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness and so far the only thing I have ever witnessed is me still being a virgin”

Joe’s going to be that castmate that I can’t tell is hot. He always looks like he is squinting into the sun but I would def let him in if he came knocking on my door wanting to sell a bible.

Keyana immediately tells Michael that she follows him on Instagram and he’s like “very cool, do you speak English?” Also, Keyana do you need to refill your shitty beer? Because you look fucking THIRSTY.

Ethan is already hating himself and saying that he’s going to sit in a corner all season and now I’m just upset. No one puts Ethan in a corner!

KEYANA: So you wear a shoe on each foot?


MIKE: Yeah


KEYANA: omg so do I. Let’s get married.

Uche and Chocolate Jesus (Clinton’s new nickname for the season—CJ) are def hitting it off.

CLINTON: “Girls tell me they love me on social media, but it’s like, I’m a person. Do you ever think there is more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking?”

Malcolm and every girl in the house start flirting. So that’s that.

MALCOLM: “I have ladies every day of the week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…. The other days. You get it.”

He meets Diandra, who is wearing hoops so big that the Kardashian family is in awe. She’s like “if I start calling you Papi, I’m interested.” Good thing it sounds sexy in Spanish. If I started calling dudes “Daddy” they would immediately refer me to a therapist.

Keith and Alexis start bonding over lung disease and her possibly incestuous ways.

ALEXIS: So you have your cousins, and then your first cousins, and your cousins with teeth. They are all fair fucking game.

Apparently Alexis is trying to rid herself of the redneck stereotype but it’s hard to take her seriously when she’s downing Bud Light one second and chain smoking cigarettes the next.

Keith is like “you should stop smoking. How about every time you smoke I spank you?” Is this a Narcotics Anonymous-approved method of prevention? Also, Keith and Alexis look like the perfect Trump-voting couple.

KEITH: “How about every time you mention building the wall I smack my own ass, yeehaw.”

Theeeeennnn they start making out and talking about butt stuff, as one does 30 minutes after meeting someone. Off to the boom room they go to make more babies that Alexis’ cousin can possibly fuck.

Keith apparently rocks Alexis’ world and he’s like “yeah I have pretty good reviews on Yelp.” Which is a place for businesses so congrats, you’re an escort.

Michael and Keyana take the first shower makeout scene for me. She’s like “I’ve never met someone who asks me about myself” and it’s like, well how do you usually meet people? Does no one ask you, like, what your name is?

THE DATE


MTV has decided to get as close as possible to killing one of these cast members and takes them to a bar as their date. We’re really pushing these livers to the limit here.

Ethan is trying to make small talk with Keyana and she is acting like she would rather be lit on fire than be a kind of nice person to an overall really nice guy. He eventually is like “I get it, you like Michael.” And I swear to god she breathes a sigh of relief.

She says he “asked about her and he actually cared” and it’s like, really? It had nothing to do with the alcohol and fact that your hand was down his pants most of the time?

They are presented with booze and a jazz band comes in. They’re like “what are the odds you get shit faced and listen to jazz in New Orleans?!”

Audrey and Malcolm are hanging out and she’s like “you’re a player, I can tell” and he’s like “I’m 25 now! I’m serious now!” he says as he chugs alcohol on a reality show on national television.

He claims he isn’t a player anymore because a “female” cheated on him once and it hurt. Boo, sad story. Anyone who calls a girl a female is a hard no from me.

AUDREY: I hope he ends up being different then the guy I know he is and always has been.

BACK AT THE HOUSE


The house is debating who to put in the Truth Booth and Diandra is like “Malcolm looks like Trey Songz!” (which he does) and Nurys is like “YOU JUST WANNA FUCK HIM DON’T YOU?!” Okay there, I’m gonna need to you to pop a quick Xanax and take a lap for a second.

Nurys is like “I am a hugely aggressive girl for literally no reason and sometimes people don’t like me for that.” Hmm, wonder why.

TRUTH BOOTH

Ethan and Keyana go to the Truth Booth and Keyana is looking for the nearest knife to stick in her neck. She heard Mike has a neck fetish, so yeah.

Ethan and Keyana are like “we get it, we’re not compatible” and Keyana is thinking of getting it tattooed on her body. Let’s remember, they were voted in because they “both like music” which we all know, is a true stepping stone to a love connection.

Of course, they get a no match BUT that’s not the worst part of this whole thing. The WORST part is Keyana acting like a straight-up fucking bitch when they get a no match. I get it, you like Michael and you want to have his vanilla-ass babies so they can surf into the sunset and live a life full of missionary sex, HOWEVER you did not need to be like “YES, I’M PARTYING TONIGHT BECAUSE WE’RE NOT A MATCH!!!”

That’s not a paraphrase made by me, that’s a quote and frankly, it’s a fucked up one. And that’s coming from a fucked up person.

Ethan’s like “I’ve never seen someone so excited to get away from me” and I think every single person watching (aka me and 15 people who read this recap) were either a) about to cry for this actual nice guy or b) so fucking annoyed with Keyana for acting like she’s soooo much better than him. Anyone with a chest tattoo is not at the liberty to belittle people. That is a job strictly reserved for me. Now that we got that lecture out of the way…

OTHER STUFF

Ethan starts downing red wine and freestyle rapping. Aka me on any given night.

They start playing a game of sexy truth or dare, because they are original like that.

Malcolm and Diandre make out, Clinton and Uche make out, Michael licks Keyana, it’s all pretty generic.

Shad or Chad or whatever his fucking name is asks Alexis to kiss everyone in the house and she’s like okay and says “mama didn’t raise no bitch.” Incredible. I want that on a cross stitch. She proceeds to make out with everyone. Just like her mama intended.

KEITH: “She’s a little wild and idk if I trust her.” Really? This is the hard line for you? Not when she implied that she fucks her cousins?

Geles and Michael bond over the fact that they have large Hispanic families and it’s like, who is going to send me some tamales? Hit me up.

Nurys is getting pissed because DD (Diandre) is still talking to Malcolm when she likes him. She’s like “DD is obviously insecure!” and it’s like, hmmm okay sweetie.

Second shower makeout session goes to DD and Malcolm. Really? Now it’s just getting cliché. Isn’t there a closet you can take this to?

Of course, the moment DD goes to sleep Nurys is like DGAF and her and Malcolm start making out. DAMN. Okay. That’s how it’s gonna be. Then he hops back into bed with DD.

MALCOLM: I’m not a player. I promise I’m not a player.

Okay, Big Pun. Anyway, see you all next week.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/are-you-the-one-recap-malcolm-go-back-to-your-home-on-whore-island/

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

16 nice things we've seen on the internet in 2018 so far

We're halfway through 2018 and it's safe to say the internet's already had some serious ups and downs. 

If you reflect on the year thus far, your mind might wander to its low points, like when YouTuber Logan Paul filmed a dead body in Aokighara, known informally as a suicide forest in Japan, and uploaded the video online. Or maybe your mind jumps to the time Roseanne Barr made an extremely racist remark on Twitter.

Heck, perhaps you've blocked those cringe-worthy moments out because you’re too busy watching President Donald Trump spend his days angrily tweeting into the abyss. But despite all the bad the internet has offered us in 2018, it's had its fair share of good moments, too.

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From hilarious children and adorable animal videos, to impressive memes and chill celebrity interactions, the internet has given us a lot to smile about this year.

Here are 16 things to remind you that the internet isn't always an absolutely terrible place to spend time.

1. Lisa Frank's social media game

Looking back at social media in 2018, one unlikely hero managed to consistently deliver fresh, peppy, colorful content. That hero is Lisa Frank.

The beloved brand that ruled your childhood is over here absolutely slaying the social game — sharing relatable AF memes, cheerful animal graphics, and rainbows galore on Facebook and Instagram on a near-daily basis. If you're looking for a heavy dose of positivity, some Monday inspiration, or an unexpected laugh, Lisa Frank’s got you covered.

How’s your Monday going? #mondaymood #lisafrank #sweettooth ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

A post shared by Lisa Frank (@lisa_frank) on Jun 11, 2018 at 3:28pm PDT

2. Will Smith's Instagram account

Though the world welcomed Will Smith to Instagram in December 2017, the actor and super-cool dad really hit his social media stride in the new year. 

Smith gives us everything we could ever want in a celebrity Instagram account — he serves up laughs, gives us looks into his personal life, posts those Fresh Prince of Bel-Air throwbacks we all crave, and shares photos with his family members and famous friends. We are barely worthy of your content, Will, but we're glad you're here.

I’ma keep it 💯 wit’ y’all... I Hurt Myself doin’ that Champeta Move.

A post shared by Will Smith (@willsmith) on May 9, 2018 at 7:07am PDT

3. Kids finding out they were going to see Black Panther

Since its release, Black Panther has shattered box office records and inspired tons of memes, but we're not sure anything about the franchise will ever be able to top this video of Atlanta middle school students learning they'd be going to see the film.

In one of the nicest feel-good clips out there, Wade King — teacher and director of curriculum and instruction at Ron Clark Academy — captured video of students reacting to the news.

The students just found out we are all going to see BLACK PANTHER! We will have a day of cultural classes, African dancers, historical lessons and then we will all go see the film! Turn up!!!! @ronclarkacademy @chadwickboseman #tlhanna pic.twitter.com/oUhWse5ghr

— Wade King (@WadeKing7) February 2, 2018

Is this not one the purest things you've ever seen? Want more? No problem. The school's founder Ron Clark tweeted another video.

4. The #M'BakuChallenge

Black Panther had such an impact in online communities that it wouldn't be right to simply highlight one glorious Wakanda-related internet moment. Behold: The M'Baku Challenge — a delightful trend that called on people to recreate some of the most iconic lines from Jabari tribe leader M'Baku (played by Winston Duke).

Many Black Panther fans made admirable efforts, but 7-year-old Jordan's rendition was so superb that even Michael B. Jordan showed him some love.

A post shared by Brittnilutherqueenjr✊🏾 (@badgyalbribri) on Mar 4, 2018 at 5:31pm PST

5. Inspiring Twitter thread of women lifting each other up

It's an absolutely beautiful sight when an overwhelming amount of positivity is born from a single act of negativity. That's what happened in May when Twitter user @lewisbcfc74 claimed to be "sick of" seeing girls complimenting each other on Instagram.

Sick of going through insta and seeing girls commenting on other girls pictures 'look at u!!😭' and 'have you seen yourself😍' grow up man you don't even know each other

— Lewis (@lewisbcfc74) May 17, 2018

"Sick of going through Insta and seeing girls commenting on other girls pictures 'look at u!! and 'have you seen yourself’ grow up man you don't even know each other," he wrote. The tweet inadvertently inspired a thread of women who came together for the sole purpose of complimenting one another.

Girl you’re one to talk. Look at your skin, GLOWING

— Saya Norton (@sayanorton_) May 18, 2018

At the time of writing this article, the original tweet had 2,000 replies — most of which are women lifting each other up. Could someone please @ me when all of Twitter is this perfect? 

6. Meghan Markle's pre-glow up photo

When actress Meghan Markle married Prince Harry on May 19, we were blessed not only with gorgeous photos from the big day, but with photos of a young Markle in her pre-royal family days. While she was off becoming the Duchess of Sussex, the internet was busy obsessing over an old photo of the former actress as a teen tourist posing in front of Buckingham Palace in London.

Straight-up inspired by her transformation from teen tourist to adult royal, people dubbed Markle's love story the Ultimate Glow Up. #Goals

every time i feel giving up on anything i'm just going to look at this picture set and get my life pic.twitter.com/t7AFDO2DW7

— indie (@INDIEWASHERE) May 19, 2018

7. Dramatic Little League kid

Little League is no laughing matter. Unless, of course, you're this adorable jokester who was told to run from third base to home "as fast as he can."

In one of the most dramatic moments in Little League's little history, Twitter user @TabbyRodriguez's teeny cousin Lenn completed his victory sprint in agonizing slow motion, taking more than 45 seconds to run to home base. Lenn ignored the haters, making for some absolutely perfect content.

8. Jenna Fischer telling The Office fans about Pam and Michael's airport goodbye

Fans of the beloved NBC comedy The Office still aren't ready to let go of their Scranton family. So when Jenna Fischer, who played Pam Beesley on the show, took a moment to reminisce about the emotional Goodbye, Michael episode, people were pretty pumped.

In an Instagram live, Fischer revealed to followers what her character said to Steve Carrell's during their touching airport goodbye scene. 

"That was me talking to Steve," Fischer told her Instagram followers. "I told him all the ways I was going to miss him when he left our show. Those were real tears and a real goodbye. That was a really emotional scene."

BRB, sobbing.

9. Fans coming together after Brooklyn Nine-Nine was cancelled

A brief moment of absolute panic descended upon Brooklyn Nine-Nine Twitter in May after it was revealed that the show had been cancelled by Fox.

ME IMMEDIATELY AFTER FINDING OUT @Brooklyn99FOX WAS CANCELLED AT WORK pic.twitter.com/8IrllX2TYU

— Nicole Gallucci (@nicolemichele5) May 10, 2018

Fans (and celebs) were distraught by the news, but quickly bounced back from mourning to fight like hell to keep the show going. People tweeted at networks, shared how important the plot lines and characters were to their lives, and furiously thanked the creators, writers, actors, and crew members for all their hard work.

And you know what? IT WORKED. In a beautiful 2018 plot twist, NBC decided to pick up the comedy for a sixth season. One of the most blessed turn of events all year.

We got your SIX! #Brooklyn99 is officially coming to NBC! pic.twitter.com/NNQw2OZquH

— NBC Entertainment (@nbc) May 12, 2018

10. Mom's viral cheesecake rant

"Do you want the fucking cake or do you not want the fucking cake?" That's the question fed-up baker and business owner Kim Copeland — and eventually thousands of others — were dying to know the answer to in May 2018. 

The internet got the rage-filled hero it needed when Twitter user @adrienne_bc shared an entertaining 2:20 long video of her mom, Copeland, contemplating a vague AF cheesecake order commitment made by some flaky person named Ginger. After reading their text exchanges, reflecting on proper cake-ordering etiquette, and explaining everything she has going on in her own busy life, Copeland straight-up went OFF, asking, "Just tell me, Ginger, do you want the fucking cheesecake?"

I wonder if Ginger will dare order another fucking cheesecake again.

11. Kendall Jenner vs. Kacey Musgraves

Ah, FEUDS! Gotta love 'em... especially when they're between celebrities, and they end far sooner than expected and in a very gentle manner, right? Thus is the story of Kendall Jenner and Kacey Musgraves' short-lived, not-actually-a-feud feud.

The tale goes like this: In May, Jenner shared a photo on Instagram of herself sipping tea on a New York City rooftop while wearing lingerie...as one does. And in the background of her picture was a Musgraves billboard, except OH WAIT. It's blurred out. *gasp*

A post shared by Kendall (@kendalljenner) on May 3, 2018 at 4:44pm PDT

In response Jenner's possible shade, Musgraves shared a screenshot of the Instagram post to her own story, prompting Jenner to apologize profusely for the misunderstood shade via Twitter. Jenner explained she "...didn’t edit this photo! Kacey is literally my fuckin fav! ... ask anyone of my homies i die for her!"

Aw, how nice. It's refreshing to take a breather from hardcore public feuding every so often, isn't it?

12. Busting a move at graduation

Few days in life are as important as your pre-school graduation, and 5-year-old Aubrey Toby celebrated hers to the fullest.

On stage, diploma in-hand and dressed in her purple cap and gown, the precious and fiercely talented North Carolina student proudly danced her way across the stage and towards the exciting world of kindergarten.

Toby's godfather Merle Murrain II shared footage of her busting a celebratory move to Justin Timberlake's "Can't Stop The Feeling" alongside her far-less enthused classmates. She clearly stole the show and better make the graduation dance a regular part of any future ceremonies. 

A post shared by Merle Murrain II (@themerlemurrain) on Jun 2, 2018 at 9:59am PDT

13. The #APESHITCHALLENGE

Beyoncé and Jay-Z have had quite the 2018 already, what with going on tour together and dropping a joint album out of nowhere. And in case that wasn't enough, they also inspired a very good viral challenge.

The #APESHITCHALLENGE was born after Bey and Jay dropped their music video for "APESHIT" (which was casually filmed at the Louvre in Paris, btw). In one scene, Beyoncé thrashes at the top of a massive staircase while dressed in a huge white gown. Fans promptly recreated the moment in their own homes, using a white bed sheet to get the effect.

14. Hillary Clinton mocking James Comey

Remember that time Hillary Clinton absolutely roasted former FBI Director James Comey on Twitter? 'Twas brilliant.

She simply couldn't resist after it was announced that Comey used a personal email account for his own official government business. Yes, this is the same Comey who opened an investigation ahead of the 2016 election into Clinton's private email account usage during her time as Secretary of State.

But my emails. https://t.co/G7TIWDEG0p

— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) June 14, 2018

"But my emails," Clinton wrote, quote-tweeting news of Comey's personal email troubles. A tweet so iconic it almost lives up to "Delete your account."

15. DJ Switch

Say hello to DJ Switch, the coolest young DJ in Ghana. BBC News Africa shared a video of Erica, aka DJ Switch, who started dropping beats at the age of 9 and has been inspiring people ever since. 

"I picked the name DJ Switch because I switch up people's happiness," Erica said, explaining that while DJing is her passion, she wants to be a gynocologist when she grows up so that she can "help women."

HERO. 

16. A massive Twitter thread of puppies

Finally, we end this light and joyous trip down memory lane with this extremely lengthy Twitter thread of puppies meeting, playing, and being very cute together. Twitter user @BlairBraverman truly blessed the internet with this one.

As you know, we have a lot of puppies right now. pic.twitter.com/Vsw5SE0Wzt

— Blair Braverman (@BlairBraverman) June 26, 2018

It's been a wild ride. Let's hope there's more where these came from in the second half of 2018.

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