#he writes poetry about being in mental anguish and being depressed

[quonkobonko]

He's a 2 AND he follows cringe accounts.

[ididit-allofit-foryou]

@ididit-allofit-foryou masterlist

ABOUT ME

Hi! My name’s Rain, and I’m a chronically ill, queer, and nonbinary author, poet, and artist. I mainly post about supernatural (subsection: destiel) and disability content! I also post my art and writing sometimes! My pronouns are they/them, but they/he is also okay! I hope you’ll stick around a while, and feel free to talk to me!! :D

My personal tags are:

#rain rambles (whenever I make a text post or add to someone else's post)

#rain creates (whenever I post art I made)

#rain writes (whenever I post my writing)

#rain rants (vent tag)

I will tag other things sporadically, whenever I have energy 

(I am not at all consistent, I am so sorry)

MY LINKS

Make a Commission or find my published writing on my website

Buy destiel pins, supernatural prints, and get tarot readings on my Etsy

Follow me on Instagram

Become a patron on Patreon and get extra content and commissions

Buy merch with my art on Redbubble

Watch speed paints, real time drawings, and sketchbook tours on my Youtube

See shorter videos on TikTok

Read my fics on Ao3

Tip me on venmo or kofi

PUBLICATIONS

Studying Sonder: A collection of short stories

This book contains several fictional short stories that cover queer themes, found family, mental health issues, and healing.

Out Pour The Violets

This poetry book includes poems from over the span of six years which cover my trajectory through depression, a messy breakup, healing, and eventually opening back up to love. Each poem has a corresponding illustration, drawn by me as well.

KNOW ME!!

This poetry book is filled with poetry that encapsulates my experiences with chronic pain, chronic fatigue, and POTS; my deteriorating relationship with my parents due to their homophobia and bigotry; and my journey to find love (and finally getting that!!). Throughout it all are themes of a deep desire to be known completely and chosen, not despite, but because of everything that I am. 

it was may when the sun burned out

This chapbook covers the course of a month following a devastating breakup with my girlfriend of almost a year. The poems in this book cover a range of emotions from that time, from numbness, to anger, to anguish and beyond.

Something Lost, Something Found

Nathan Grey has just lost his grandfather, the only family he has left, and subsequently, his will to live. A desperate attempt at suicide leaves Nathan in even deeper trouble: a stay in a psychiatric ward. Once there, Nathan faces not only a homophobic patient and a reckoning with his past, but something even scarier—coming to terms with his sexuality and gender identity. With the help of friends old and new, Nathan starts a journey of self-discovery, and gains just enough hope to begin healing at last.

Dear Daniela,

This book is a nuanced journey through sapphic love and loss. It contains every poem I have written to and about my ex-girlfriend, Dany. These poems span from the very start of our relationship to well past the end, each line radiating with raw honesty—a trademark of my writing. This book shows the reality of being in a long-distance relationship; finding and losing a true love; and all the emotions that come along with thinking you know someone deeply, only to discover you didn’t at all.

MY PATREON

I currently have 4 tiers on my Patreon, ranging from $3-$33! Each tier gets unique perks!

Daisy $3 tier:

access to exclusive WIP's of art 

early access to sketchbook content

Daffodil $6 tier:

ability to vote on new art content

downloadable coloring pages

all content from previous levels

Baby’s breath $15 tier:

1 personalized digital sketch of your choice per month!

all content from previous levels

Hyacinth $33 tier:

every month I will mail patrons at this level a 4x6 photo print of my art!

all content from previous levels

ESSAY EDITING

SERVICES PROVIDED

I am an essay writing tutor, and work with all grade levels to build writing and communication skills.

I will make in-line edits for grammar, and write detailed comments about any changes you need to make to structure or content. I am able to work with essays on any subject, as well as creative writing, resumes, cover letters, and poetry.

 If you need help with something not listed here, I am willing to edit almost anything—just email me!

NOTE: I will not partake in plagiarism, i.e. rewriting things for you. My goal is to help you improve your writing and gain skills that you will be able to use in the future.

PRICES

ESSAYS & CREATIVE WRITING

(12 pt Times New Roman Font, double spaced)

1-3 pages: $30

4-6 pages: $40

7-9 pages: $55

10+ pages: +$5/each added page

RESUMES & COVER LETTERS

$25 flat fee

POETRY

First 300 words: $20

Every additional 200 words: +$10

PAYMENT

I take payment through Venmo (preferred) and Kofi.

For any questions please contact me at: willowrainfae@gmail.com

COMMISSION INFO (prices in USD)

DIGITAL COMMISSIONS

Sketch–$10

Tattoo design– $50-$100 (price will vary depending on amount of detail, etc)

Portrait (limit to one character/drawing)– $30

Full body drawing– $40 +$20/extra character

Cartoon style– $30 + $20/extra character

Painting style (bust)– $50 base + $20/extra character

Painting style (full body)– $80 base + $20/extra character

WHAT YOU GET

A png file of the finished commission that you can then print but PLEASE DO NOT RESELL

If you post anywhere, please give credit

ACRYLIC PAINTING COMMISSIONS

pet portrait– $80+ +$40/extra character

bust portrait– $150+ +$80/extra character

acrylic pour– $60+

abstract– $80+

**shipping not included in the prices listed above**

WHAT YOU GET

a physical acrylic painting on canvas mailed to you

PLEASE DO NOT RESELL

If you post anywhere, please give credit

WHAT I NEED FROM YOU

A detailed description of what you want from the commission

As many reference photos as you can find (the more photos, the better the commission will be)

Your choice of a simple background

For more info or to make a commission, DM me or email me at willowrainfae@gmail.com

Payment upfront through venmo (preferred), kofi, or paypal

*It can take up to two months to complete a digital commission, & up to 4 months for an acrylic painting, but may be sooner*

[johnnys-so]

I recall you saying you don't know Day6 well enough for an analysis, but what about now? If you can, we'd love one. Thank you!

HEYOOO! 

Umm a lot hasn’t changed on that front but I feel like the distance might be a good thing so I’m going to attach some small mini-analysis after the cut.

sungjin

Bob is literally the most dad friend ever and I think he really takes the cake (though GOT7′s JB comes a close second). He looks so constantly done with all of his members, and yet - probably the one who cleans the kitchen and makes sure to stock up on water/ramyeon/veggies etc.

I feel like he was born to be the hyung, you know? He is the responsible and primary caregiver type. Even though he doesn’t make a big show of it, it seems to be a big part of his personality that he takes care of other people

Also, my god his humour is just.... something commendable, truly. He can’t be funny to save his ass but atleast he keeps trying and i think THATS what so funny about him??? sungjin-ah.... never give up bby

I feel like he’s the least complicated of all members. He doesn’t seem to be the emotionally volatile type and seems very centred in his personality, he also seems oddly like he might have a sister? a younger one (does he? idk, mydays pls let me know). it’s just that other than the protective bear stereotype, he does seem emotionally well-adjusted. Maybe he’s just at that point in life where he can encounter a shitty day or some sort of hardship and look at it straight and say - ok, that’s fucked up. But I guess we gotta just work through it. (in comparison, wonpil would be shrieking through his lungs AND working through it)

in terms of a temper i think he most certainly has one but it takes him a while to get there and i don’t think he’d talk through it AT ALL. maybe cleanliness would be his pet peeve? (im just shooting in the dark here)

to wrap it up, sungjin is the sort of guy (in my opinion at least) who has a strong and steady value system and he’s sort of ok with dealing with the world as long as he has it figured out in his head. He knows who he is, and therefore there is little conflict he brings to the world. If he wasn’t playing in this band, I’d 1000% see him settle for the corporate life and clean9 to 5 job which lets him come back home by 7pm and have some cold beer while watching football and hearing his kids play in the living room

Jae

Aww man this skinny bitch. I feel like the fandom is sleeping on his ‘annoying prankster’ potential because i think  he’d give peeves a run for his money

derives great joy from the misery and anguish of others (probably has Wonpil maniacally laughing in the background)

on a normal day Jae is the sort of person who’s probably going through memes on the phone while everyone’s having a serious conversation about their tour or like their everyday schedules. He has a few things he cares about in life and is okay to take a backseat when it comes to the other shit. As long as he gets what he needs (a possible slytherin mofo?)

But that’s not to say that he’s easygoing or wishywashy about the things that he does care about. Music, matters a lot to him. Even though he’s not academically musically instructed (as young k is) he has spent a whole lot of time and effort into educating himself to the point that it really shows in their albums (i could wax poetry about the complexity of Day6′s music and how its so refreshing in it’s personality of being both goth and peppy i-). So Jae is most certainly determined, goal driven and very intrinsically motivated

Also, very much in his head. If he doesn’t have a strong pisces placement, I’m willing to eat my foot. I feel like while Young K is very intense about his emotions, Jae gets very emotional about the people he surrounds himself with.

With people: not very trusting of everyone. Has a chosen few that he goes to certain things about. Might be the kind of person who distributes his troubles by categories to various confidants. But also, trust is something that is earned with jae. But that is not to say that he won’t get along with other people. He’s cordial and is good in engaging a crowd (as a performer, MC, friend, VJ) but he’s also good at drawing lines and boundaries

the most incredible part of his personality for me has always been his work-ethic and his drive to be better. He’s always challenging himself through his existing skill set, but also pushing himself to learn new things. Sounds like a bloody workaholic to me. 

probably shit at figuring out his own feelings/emotions/attitude about certain things. But always up for being the wise advice-giver to other delinquents (read: jamie)

sarcastic wit to sass everyone for days. probably a loki over thor guy

Kink master extraordinaire. Likes cooking up shit and encourages people to sin.

Young K

emo baby af. But we all knew this so more on that later

The ultimate Onion of a personality. Young K, off the bat, seems like he hides so many layers. Not purposely at all, but simply because he’s unable to communicate the extent of his mental world to the public

one beautiful way he has found to channelise all of his thoughts and ideas about the world is clearly through his music and lyrics. But he’s also extremely creative in other ways (art and fashion). I feel like he’s the sort of person who feels most confident and assured in himself when he’s creating. 

socially, what a mess. I wouldn’t say he has trust issues like Jae does but im pretty sure he’s made some foolish mistakes about choosing friends and not realising how to navigate that friendship (friendships where he has demanded too much or has been demanded too much of??). But otherwise a jovial fool the kind of person who laughs the loudest (and dorkiest) at a dinner with friends

how’s his alcohol intake? I have this super funny intake of a drunk young k trying to write mini love poems for all his friends and sungjin being called to take him home and the call actually begins with “did he try to be poetic again?”

while im trying to paint a picture of him as a jester (because young k also needs to be seen for beyond his emotionality) he’s the kind of guy that would surprise you with how brilliant he is. An actual wisecrack/genius, and very underappreciated. I wouldn’t be surprised if he someday returns to teaching

Right. Emotionality though. If he isn’t some pisces (sun or moon) i will actually yell. He’s the definition of ‘someone who navigates an alternate plane, is open to a world that most people don’t even begin to understand exists’. i feel like speaking to him about abstract concepts - such as the existence of truth, the point of life, the definition of beauty, other existential phenomenon - would be so much fun because he’s have such an interesting and unconventional take on things. I feel like he’s make me humble with the words he has (he already makes me feel so secure with all of his lyrics because i realize, even if the world is shit what a relief that someone like young k exists)

probably would be a guilt-ridden but a wonderfully emotionally supportive boyfriend. Someone who understands your demons all too well and would go the extra mile to provide whatever help he can

1000% has high neuroticism scores that would be cause for concern. someone give him a Beck’s depression inventory right away.

HAHAHAHAH probably the fucking kinkiest mofo, after Jae

Wonpil

An actual baby!!

No ok but wonpil has matured THE most in all of Day6 and i really didn’t realise it until i notice how his expressions have become more closed during airport pics, and his voice has gained a new level of emotionality in live stages, and he’s also a lot more reserved these days on variety shows

still the most extrovert in the group. I just think the fame, the crowd, the possible betrayals as a result of their growing fame and having to be an adult in this tough situation - has gotten to him. But that’s inevitable really. None of us can be protected from the reality of life that leeches away at our innocence

such a vibrant soul. Such a giver. As a friend, he’s literal sunshine. Not much of a protector, but more of an amicable I’ll-always-be-there-for-you sort of person (though im guessing the amount of people he extends this courtesy to nowadays has probably reduced. 

fucking made to be an entertainer. He’s naturally funny and attracts all the energy (and eyes) in the room to himself. A very good mood maker if you will

in terms of neuroticism, I think he’d be more on the depression (from the constant stress workstyle and the increasing loneliness) than an anxious person. I think he probably is a bit volatile in his emotions but that’s because he gets lost in the moment. He’s literally someone who lives in the present far more than he lives in the past (sungjin or young k) or the future (jae)

don’t think he's intrinsically motivated much. Prone to a lot of lazy days, a lot of extreme gaming and just randomnly playing jokes and pranks on people. he’d need some strongly external guidance/deadlines to get his work ethic going

high extraversion and agreeableness, probably low on conscientiousness (especially discpline) but fascinated by aesthetic beauty (openness to experience).

Dowoon

Honest to god i cannot figure him out. I think it’s a case of - im trying to look deeper and harder but the truth is, it’s not even that complicated

underappreciated oppa potential 100000%

still comes through as a dork of a maknae. has zeROhand eye coordination outside of drumming. the kind of kid who breaks the glassware and blames it on his sibling (wonpil) and his parents totally believe him because he could do no wrong (aka sungjin grudginly yells at wonpil, again, about house rules)

just a man dedicated to his drums and his food. if he can play some solid beats, get some work done on the albums, play a nice set on a tour, have some chicken and beer while he is resting, have his hyungs fool around in the green room --> he good bruh

but by no means does that make him a fool (though i do think he’s a bit of a fool sometimes when it comes to picking up social cues about wonpil/jae making fun of him. he lacks the 눈치 you know what i mean)

Also (maybe I just love plot twists) but i think he’d be eerily good at picking up on people feeling sad/depressed/lonely/off in general. He’d be like that guy who just walks into the room and sees you just slinking away on the sofa and he thinks.... nah im just going to give them space and go get myself some food. But literally a few seconds later, he sits by you on the sofa, offers you food, and asks what’s on your mind. The silent supporter kind. Willing to listen, willing to be there for you

i don’t know much about dowoon so im just going to end this with: arms that can lift kids/ crush you in a bear hug/ pin you against a wall and leave bit marks on your neck

sorry if that didn’t cover much. I sort of only know day6 with their music. If im extremely wrong or way off about someone, please reach out and correct me!!

[lit--bitch]

Current-Reads (10/05/2020 - 17/05/2020) 🍎🐔

(Disclosure: Don’t think I know anyone this week (and sadly Édouard Levé is no longer alive) and I don’t know anyone personally working within these publications/presses bc I am a loner, apart from Hobart actually I do know EE from Hobart.) Preface as always: Every Sunday without fail I throw up the freshest literature and photography I’ve read over the week, sometimes it’s a book, or a piece I saw in a magazine or an online zine, maybe it’s something I saw on social media, etc. If I add ‘RECOMMEND’ next to a few of the titles, but that’s not to say I don’t recommend all of them, I just love some pieces more than others. Not everything will be everybody’s cup of tea, yanno, c’est la vie. And any titles that you see in bold are hyperlinked so if you click or tap them they’ll direct you straight to the source… or shopping basket.   I check all the writers and their social media (i.e. I stalk them and their bios) to make sure I absolutely get their pronouns correct, I don’t just blindly assume hes and shes, etc. So in case anyone’s concerned about that, dw I do this shit properly.

This week’s been weird, I’m starting to feel like I’m dissolving a bit. The lockdown feels like culture now. The last time I went to a bar seems like a dream. Some of the work I’ve read over the past few days has compounded this dazed feeling I’ve been having, and I’ve been dipping into a lot of work which was published way before this pandemic hit, like back in September 2019. I’ve been rereading Édouard Levé’s Autoportrait which is one of my favourite books. I’ve been reading a poet I came across in Glass: A Journal of Poetry, Carolee Bennett. I discovered a new writer I’ve fallen hard for, his name’s Richie Hofmann and I’m torn between talking about his recent publication in Hobart and the piece he did in The New Yorker a while back (I guess I’m gonna talk about both), his poetry is so delicate and intimate, it’s like it breathes on the back of your neck. I loved Michael Sutton’s poems on 3:AM Magazine’s Poem Brut series and am now anticipating his next collection. Sarah Cavar’s a complete family / hstry was another piece in 3:AM which I kept reading over and over. 

***

Sarah Cavar’s a complete family / hstry, 3:AM Magazine, (RECOMMEND): The discourse around hysterectomy in writing generally tbh, is very small, practically non-existent. The number of people willing to talk about it outside of a medical, clinical sense is rare. Like abortion, it’s something people don’t talk about, they rarely unpack it in essays or poetry or what have you. It would be kind of obvious to say here that Sarah Cavar’s piece on 3:AM is brave (which of course it absolutely is), because how many people do you know are talking about hysterectomies in the context of trans-identity? But it’s the way they write about this experience, with an enviable, vivid gift for description. Sentences I loved: ‘Blood is a lineage. It begins in the toilet, rings of icing suspended in liquor. [...] The following morning I am discharge with my age-restricted scars [...] ‘The stitches were dissolving; they said goodbye in crimson streams. [...] Finally I told her to leave the room, wrangling my vagina, this traitorous beast’. Another line I love, which is just so powerful, ‘There is something poetic in scarring the site of the umbilical cord. I deny the very people whose (re)productive efforts rendered me possible; upended the dynasty whose heterosexual ehiteness brought them from poverty to vermount and priceless menus.’ It’s articulate and personal and deeply self-aware, and it’s that way from the off. Immediately I was drawn in by that play on words in the title, ‘a complete family / hstry’, hstry playing on history and hysterectomy here. There’s parts to this piece, this self-reflective voice which reminds me of Sontag’s diaries, the way Sarah breaks lines (this is particularly strong in the NOTES — ESSAY ENDING section). They also have a flair for dialogue, a way of pulling a reader into their periphery and having these difficult conversations with family members, wrestling with discomforting terms like ‘ramifications’. The violence of the relationship one has with their body, ravaged by identity. Internalising the reaction from parents whose hopes of becoming grandparents is no longer. As essays go, this is one of the most insightful, articulate and self-aware pieces of transgender literature I’ve ever read. It’s something that myself, I’m not at all equipped to understand, because I don’t share Sarah’s experience, I can’t pretend to believe I even get it. But they write with accessibility and profundity, acknowledging their being as the final sentence in their family tree (what a powerful thing to hold). A writer to watch.

Michael Sutton, poem brut #92 — music / lyrics, 3:AM Magazine (RECOMMEND):  The fusion of note as word and as trebel clef, reinvented into fantastical illustrations. The first piece on here has a ‘creature-ness’ to it, I wonder of the animal in the notes pegged as sheets of music. Some of them feel more like graffiti, and I’m perplexed by what these new lyrics intimate, their renewed musicality in being cut up and stuck elsewhere. These are amazing pieces and I’m anticipating this collection’s release from Hesterglock Press in July.  

Carolee Bennett, ‘Prettier When You Smile’ in Glass Poetry (RECOMMEND): I don’t know how I came across this piece, but it was published two years ago. I hungered for the nostalgia of sitting in a bar and eavesdropping on conversations, as Carolee Bennett does in this poem. Her note about this piece is really interesting, and I wouldn’t have guessed it as a partial collection of fragments from conversations, it kind of wrestles with the subjective voice as commentary and the objective role as listener to these ongoing conversations around her. There’s a solitude to the writing, but it’s not ill at ease with it, it’s comfortable solitude on a bar stool. I really loved this line: ‘The ones we love depart. / We squeeze in and out of anguish / like bees, no opening too small. The hive begins / with single cell. Our vocabulary for this kind of busy work is limited: disease, / disease, disease.’ It’s a really beautiful, complicated cocktail straddling thought and response, and reminds me of a time where we could do that, we could sit in a bar and listen to a human’s hum. And the themes of disease, death and intimacy in ‘Prettier When You Smile’ are more evident and conscious in our minds today, in an ongoing pandemic. Bowie says it best: Planet Earth is blue and there’s nothing I can do. Richie Hofmann, ‘The Romans’ (Hobart) / ‘French Novel’ (The New Yorker) (RECOMMEND): I read Richie’s first piece in Hobart this week and thought it was so delicate and vivid. Then I stalked him a bit and read more of his work. There’s something pre-Raphaelite about his writing, I don’t know if that sounds shitty and pretentious, but I just see his poems are paintings in my head, or even sculptures, like they seem to embody an architecture to them. It’s just the way he reminisces and articulates his lovers; it’s almost metaphysical. ‘French Novel’ in particular I just found fragrant, it’s like I could smell red wine and bedsheets and humidity and snow slush. I can sense the texture. And then ‘The Romans’ had a movement and a colour to it I could just see and feel. He has a flair for articulating scenery; as a reader, I’m in his eyes and I’m absorbing every detail. I could feel this new lover wafting the Polaroid, the shake. The tangibility of his memories is so potent, you feel as if you’re there, not as a witness but actually within the experience. 

Édouard Levé, Autoportrait (RECOMMEND): I started reading Édouard Levé just over a year ago, and it was in this tumultuous episode of my life where I wasn’t really writing. If I did, I was forcing myself, and living in London was making me feel really depressed, although I now wonder whether that was more because of my MA and not the city. Édourd Levé was the best thing I got out of my course, and he came at a specific juncture when I was trying to understand how I could merge writing into photography, without taking photographs. I was investigating that relationship between the written and the visual. Autoportrait is a photo album in sentences. It’s a portrait of Édouard Levé himself, who committed suicide in 2007. He crafts this text masterfully, each sentence is like the shutter firing inside a camera, capturing an image, a new angle to his personage. For that reason it’s an intensely personal read. He oscillates between memories in time within the act of writing as memory, there’s a kind of meta-ness to it, a cubist quality to the text as a whole. He doesn’t start with his birth to his current present, rather the structure of the work is a series of non-sequiturs, a stream of consciousness stuck between frames. Sentences are mostly short, the longer you read, the more investigative and analytical it feels, into a forensic analysis of what makes Édouard, Édouard. It’s a book I go back to all the time, and the more I replay this series of images, the more unreadable it becomes. It’s also particularly surreal and disconcerting reading it now, as an artefact of Édouard Levé when he was alive. There is a coldness to his voice, a dismissiveness, and from the off it’s clear that his mental disposition, his depression, is a huge force in his life, the central focus to which all his perceptions, his affirmations, his unbothered demeanour seems to emerge from. The acuity of his self-description is pained by disconnection to the world around him, and that’s synonymous with the way he articulates himself in  disconnected fragments. It’s one of those books you can read once and walk away from, but it leaves you altered and dazed, like the way you feel after watching a strange film in a dark cinema, returning to daylight. And since I picked up that text to read in class, Édouard Levé’s always stayed with me. 

***

That is everything from me for this week. I will be taking next week away to read Ariana Reines’s A Sand Book. It’s a big one and it’s gonna take me some time to read and think and write about it. I’ve also figured out that the quality of my reviews will generally be better if I give myself more time to sit down and think, so I’m going to be posting my reviews now every other Friday as opposed to every Friday (or around then, past couple of weeks it’s been on Sats and Suns). My reviews do border on being full blown essays, and they take a lot of time to put together because I prefer to go into detail. Obviously I can’t keep generating these big pieces in a week turnaround at a quality I’m happy with, that was always going to be too ambitious of me. BUT I don’t think Current-Reads will change, because I’m always reading small bits throughout the week anyway, and I’m happy to keep doing that every Sunday still. 

NOTE TO WRITERS I AM REVIEWING: If I’ve said I’ll review your work and given you a date for when that review will be, that will still be the date I’ll review your work for. It won’t change. Scout’s honour. 

[the-coven-of-equilibrium]

A Place For My Head

Respects Be with the beautiful Souls Chester Bennington & Chris Cornell, two legends who shone brighter with love than the stars, May you be Eternal… My Love, Prayers and Strength go out to all grieving at this time.

This is for LP, Anyone who has had their lives touched by Chester and LP, The Kids that connected from Day 1 and their little brothers and sisters, this is for anyone living with mental illnesses. This is for anyone with the heart and patience to read this part of my story. Now, to clarify, I’m not here to give you a play by play on Chester Bennington’s life, career or mental health etc, you can research that on google. This post is about the perspective of a loving fan, the influence on my life and how I know he touched the lives of so many others of our generations. For when you look past the statements from us i.e. “He helped me through so many dark times” and “they made my teen years bearable” this is what we mean and this is my connection to one of the most inspirational artists of my and younger generations time, someone who has done a whole lot of healing us. Let this not be undone in his death, for then darkness will truly prevail.

Warning: Before you continue reading, if you are feeling vulnerable and easily triggered, for a start, make sure you reach out, I know it’s hard but sometimes you have to, because people are unaware, secondly let them know having company can sometimes be enough as I find people feel nervous as they are unsure how to help- personally, simply being there can help sometimes, even if it doesn’t seem it. If that doesn’t work for centring yourself and you know what does then do it. If reading this triggers you, take care of your mental health and stop reading, do the best you can and notify someone then find something proactive, physical and connecting to do; walk to a park and sit on a swing for a bit, check out some nature etc, do your hobbies, push through okay? <3 If this makes you feel you want to share your story Please, do not hesitate to write me!

I’ve lived with suicidal demons for as long as I can recall, for me, it comes in waves or sometimes a reaction to stress and other triggers I will not go into. I’ve learned over many years this is irrational but this does not ever change involuntary thoughts of my death, this is often too hard for me to express because well, who wants to burden someone with that kind of heavy info right? Plus people seem to panic, people mean well but the reality for me is that I have to know who I can share this with and I’ve learned “my reach out network”- that’s what I call it. I have steps I take when I see my signs and I do my best to push through and it’s not the elixir of life but it can help a whole lot from a serious dark hole to a being in a weird mood for a little bit.

My Name is Denise, I am 28, I am a Mother of 2, A singer in a band and a mind that never switches off.

I live in Sydney, Australia J

It was a brisk Friday morning, the usual morning school rush to get the kids in, I skim over my socials, Mama tagged me in a post, I opened it and saw Chester’s face, though I did not read the headline. I jet out the door with the munchkins to rush home for my online orientation at 9am for this new Bachelors Degree I just started, since I’ve finally gotten my headspace back together again, after a traumatic couple of years and getting my life back on track with my path. Racing back home with excitement about my course and thinking through my busy day and thereafter, building up my plans in my head. I arrive home, quickly flick on the computer monitor, put away my belongings, got myself comfortable at my computer space open my orientation and as it loads check my notifications on FB  to read the words “Linkin Park Lead Singer Chester Bennington dies at 41, Suspected Suicide”-… A moment of hesitation before this registered, immediately I think “this is a hoax”, but my heart knew it wasn’t, It was on what would have been the late beautiful Chris Cornell’s birthday I thought, this was no accident… not knowing how close they had been. I felt like a piece of me died at that moment. A disorientating wave of emotions rolled over my whole body as tears began flooding. Just as hard, all the memories I connect to linkin park began to flow in from day 1 when I was an 11yr old self to this day, “the soul that resonated through myself and a generation alike, inspiring and humble with an energy I have yet to see matched, the words that held my spirit through my darkest places, the guy who set the bar in my mind on performance delivery of my 14 year old self…” My skin was crawling, I couldn’t stop crying and I still didn’t want to believe it, to be quiet blunt I wanted to die myself. My mind had begun spiralling and I could feel the dark swirling in me, beginning to take over my mind loosing focus of my day of what was in front of me, my hands began to shake and tingle and I didn’t know what to do with them-I thought to myself: “I’ve never felt this way, ever, when someone famous has died.” I knew what my pain was asking me to do but I was there enough to come back, I looked at my keyboard, sobbing, I click open a tab and decided to just write:- which transpired to be this blog. My first post.

As I type Incoherent spurts and whirls of anguish, I tried to avoid the media like the plague, though I checked some of my favourite artists out to see who was feeling the loss. The Plea from the Rock Community taking such losses is so evident its not being taken lightly by artists who also live with these demons, They want it to be clear to the fans that this isn’t the answer and to the fact we basically need to wake up to the real depression around us and all the complacency going on all around us. I’m right there with them, It is the very truth we need to recognise; this shouldn’t have happened, but it did and we need to do something about it, as a community to make this world more aware and equipped. And why was he alone???Almost intrusive, the pain starts to sink in further…” How could you just leave like that?” I’m mad!  I mean, as a mother… dude, He left 6 children, friends, family and a huge vulnerable fan basis behind…but he doesn’t deserve to be crucified in death for being weak in a moment of misjudgement…  I’m angry… though not enough that I will allow it to over shadow the suffering of this beautiful man or the legacy that remains in Linkin Park. It broke my heart to know he was alone, for all the times his words, voice and energy stopped me from self-harming through my teens and all my life, all those times I was at the brink with no self-esteem… If you find you are there, DO NOT BE ALONE.

; Because of LP and bands alike,we found a safe place for our battered, confused and angry souls. For me, it was enough to stop me from acting on the intrusive thoughts, and still is.

Stumbling across a review of the new album, I realised, I hadn’t made the time yet to check out the new Album, the wave came crashing down inside me like a tsunami after the quake; I felt so guilty, I claimed loyalty and I heard the single, yet I was so caught up in other music this year, I had overlooked my boys album release, how could I? I felt I had betrayed Chester in a way. That I failed how I would usually pledged my loyalty. Further, to go open The Track List for “One More Light” … Tears and sobs were all I could muster, One Glance at the track list I felt like I was reading a hopeless indirect goodbye from my hero, my weirdo friend who held my soul when no one was listening, who is now gone. The 2017 release of “One More light”…. With endless scolding reviews that Linkin Park no longer embodied the teen angst it did when I was a teenager, Crucified for apparently-“simple” lyrics and ”soft singing” and “a lack of connection”- are you kidding me?Maybe as i am someone who has lived with a mental illness, it was easy for me (and i am sure many others) to depict the tone of the album is a point, a point of extreme turmoil, the point of healing and change and pressure…( A familiar feeling I have endeavored through many a time and currently trailing out of the most recent spiral). The album is full of silent screams of his state of mind, he was so sad, letting it out. Really, the music and artist features were progressive, Chester was always honest about wanting to explore into more pop music as well, he told us this like 10 years ago… so they tried something new, in the truest Linkin Park form. Honing in on the generations wave without a stylistic intention at that, how can one deny they would be able to resonate with our youth today, the level of depression going on in youth today breaks my heart, most of us deal with remnants of complex generational trauma we didn’t ask for but try our damn best to deal with…  Heavy Really is a good example, They teamed up with an awesome artist who was all up and coming with the youth, they were with the times, always, so why be so critical because they weren’t afraid to grow. It’s a fucking sad and beautiful album at the same time… my resonation with this album is insane as always, I wasn’t afraid to see them change… do you know what it feels like when you’ve been crying so much and you need a fresh break that touches your soul…

So let’s time hop for a few paragraphs shall we? As an impressionable preteen, I looked to my cousin (who is 3 years older than me) who showed me some of what heavily influenced my music taste and style to this day.  Having been brought up around an immensely eclectic variety of music and free spirited people, it was without a doubt I was curious to hear everything everyone listened to or had to offer. I mean, it was and still is my thing, since I could possibly remember or imagine, nothing on this earth is parallel to my passion for music, people and writing poetry, nor has it been easy for me to share with my peers with surmountable anxieties around expectations from myself of myself, vicious cycle. 

By gosh did I fall head over heels for Linkin Park from the first listen, I would have been about 11yrs old, at the time I already liked some pretty obscure music, which we can also leave for another time. One step closer;  the first track I remember hearing of Linkin Park, my eyes beaming with this hype of energy building in my core and as it moves into “SHUT UP WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!!!” and the music just taking me over the bounce back between Mike and Chester and I remember smiling and this feeling of release.. straight away and every time since. Every track touched my heart.

My first memories when learning of Chesters suicide were of when I was 14 and my cousin bought me LPs “Live in texas” DVD & CD for Christmas, I played that DVD on repeat all summer and I was absolutely blown away by the whole band but as a singer I looked up to Chester, the way he commanded the stage with his multifaceted energy. The ability to be so raw, yet still so nurturing to their audience. I vividly remember “A Place For My Head” impacted me and stays with me the most, it became the level of expectation from artists from that point, Safe to say he blew me away and I hadn’t even seen them live!

Then the opportunity came in October of 2007 Minutes to Midnight Tour where I saw them live for the first time, and Chester was sick, he couldn’t scream and couldn’t give it his all, I remember feeling disheartened and felt bad for Chester, he didn’t have the best health. I was grateful they still played and I still enjoyed the show since it was so incredible and the band was so awesome and the visuals that show - wow. I never turn my back on artists on 1 sore performance though, so there was no hesitation when the next show came in December 11th 2010   A Thousand Suns World Tour.- I have to say I know any deep Linkin Park Fans will be mourning as deeply as I am, I know because I’ve felt it, discussed it and hear the respect and love we hold as fans for LP amongst my peers over the years! At School, random public awkward social situations and someone was repping an LP shirt and you felt safe to strike up a conversation, at parties they were the bonding point for so many of my scary situations,clubs, conerts,pubs,parks, Town Hall :P Just everything was that much more because of LP. In 2013 for Soundwave and Sidewaves They soared, Opening with faint a resonating crowd, singing to all the tracks, the heavy Linkin Park fans came out of the woodworks for tracks from Hybrid Theory and Meteora screaming and roaring along the lyrics while I’m being squished and people surging, with circle pits whirling next to me, as I’m centre stage 4 rows back, in my regular fashion, I found my kindred, losing our shit to every line, as well as our voices. Hanging onto every moment and following Chester back and forth across as hr owns the stage while the ever beautiful Mike Shinoda cradles Chester and the crowd with the rhymes that resonate through time and us in that moment, the energy, respect and love so true moving through the entire venue.  My Mama has seen some amazing shows in her time (My Music Guru) and she was blown away that the crowd response, still so strong and energetic for Linkin Park she said “Your crowd was so beautiful, You can see how much they love LP they sang every line of every song old and new and so respectful”  I gleamed a cheshire grin of pride at my mama..  

I could go through the entire track list and tell you how they correlate to my life and why, how each line, lick, scratch and scream resonates through my physical and spiritual being, to some they may have been just “an emo band” or “nu metal” but to me- Today My Hero Died and took a part of me with him more than I can still make sense of but I will instead explain something else. When I was 11 the worst time of my life began, things irreplaceable, things beyond my comprehension, to many things beyond control. It was at this time where I was lucky and found Linkin Park, as the years moved on, still passionately connected to LP and trapped in a private hell I shared with non but in outbursts of rage where my family would correlate Meteora to my mind frame, which is close but at the time I didn’t fully comprehend what I was hearing and why I felt so connected to Chester, I would later discover many obvious reasons why. I remember when Meteora Dropped, Oh man, My family remember when Meteora Dropped… everyone in my house ended up becoming a Linkin Park Fan after that… To me… What Linkin Park did for me sometimes as a teen who was dealing with a surmountable level of complex issues in her life (like most teens)… Linkin Park made things easier to face the world most days… a place for my head- exactly that- the anguish I felt was inadvertently at this peak of emotional drowning and I can easily tell you a better part of my youth had been Listening to LP alone or peers alike. Fast forward to 2017 and I am 28, only now have I woken up and begun to heal, only now just a mere 3 weeks ago did I begin my therapy to unravel the pain… To lose my hero… To affiliate on a confusing level and digress at the actions he chose.  Today… I sat in a taxi Blaring Linkin Park on my phone Balling my Eyes out and it was in waves over and over, At first i could bring myself to listen to a song, I opened the gate with “My December”… One More light…The song I would come to see significantly, every song broke my heart all over again. 

Learning more about Chester I discovered he was a fellow March Equinox baby, like me! J What some of the things he had faced were and how strong he was, how honest and kind he was. In all this, Chester was amazing, he was forgiving, loving and a beautiful person. He explored, experienced and conquered more than we can imagine, he sang with and is respected by timeless artists and became one himself. There is a void in my world knowing he is not on the planet anymore but I take solace in the beauty he left behind, even in death, a sad beauty of an unbearable loss amidst a riptide.

Chester,  So much more than just a singer, the inspirer, the honest humble soul, someone who has saved and touched millions of lives that span across entire generations. Reflecting with friends about Chester’s passing, people seem to feel stumped at the irony of the amount of people he helped in the world with sharing his pain with us.. the thing is as artists, this is our soul on show… a pain can be shared but not cured by this mere act, but to express the depth in which this turmoil revels. The Shadow is always there…

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_v1SLIt01Q0)

Imagine; You meet your hero, your idol growing up, you guys totally hit it off at a gig one time and become super close, so close you are gifted being godparent to their child. You abruptly loose this friend while on tour for an album which exploits depths of your mental illness which was misunderstood because it did not embody the angry teenager anymore but the healing of confronting your mind and the rage beneath the surface of the ocean… as an outsider if this is what I see, I couldn’t imagine how hard it was for Chester, He Lost His New Harmony in loosing Chris…

One More Light… The Last Linkin Park Album with My Hero I will discover, and its more real then i could have ever imagined, I can’t stop playing every song from the album, and i never will.

Such a fucking amazing band LINKIN PARK, such gifted beautiful unforgettable individuals, such resonating souls of one band who changed and touched the lives of millions all over the planet, who are timeless, I’m sorry for your loss, I’m so sorry and I love you all, every element of LINKINPARK is a masterpiece of contrast and raw beauty. 

To my dear fellow LP and Chester Fans, Please do not despair, we know rationally what is right, so don’t give in and lose hope, we need to suck it up and keep in touch. Don’t hide, let it out and make this world a more beautiful place for each other. Put those tracks on that touch your heart and never forget what we lost in Chester but never forget what he was a part of building, still remains. The side projects he was a part of, the opportunities he explored for growth like being the front man for Stone Temple Piolets! The amount of bands and artists who were inspired to start writing because of Linkin Park, The Love and Respect that he gained through being a true working musician and person who overcame so much in living world and taught us how to heal when nobody was listening. Fuck the Media and their negative breeding avoid buying into peoples crap and remember what you value, remember how YOU connect, who you love and stay close to them, remember the thigs that shift our focus to a productive healthy place of love.

The answer is not out, it is in, be unafraid to be real, keep it raw. Peace.

Chester, you will forever inspire my art as you already did, I will forever be motivated to heal. I love you for everything, thank you

-D'Amor Feroz

[kairoskrp]

                                                   — On the wicked wings of time, thy kingdom comes

Meet [ Lee Sangbi ]

She is a [ twenty-five ] year old  [ bartender at the red light club ] currently residing in [ nanjin duplex, #302]. Visit  and greet  her today!

Personality: 

A smile is only truly deafening when it’s shielding a damaged psyche. She is but a flower unable to wilt or concede to the twisting winds of fate no matter how much she craves death.

There are two faces to our darling, Sangbi.

She feels everything to the utmost extent of her petite being. She loves as hard as she hurts. She is both overwhelmed and underwhelmed.

In her manic state, she is everyone’s favorite person to be around. She loves to love and cares for others in ways you can’t even imagine. She gives her all to every being she’s ever met. And, it shows in the way she beams from ear to ear at almost anything and nothing at the same time. She’s beautiful, outgoing, and quirky with a penchant for feeling needed.

Now, when depression sets in and she’s grappling with her demons, she’s nowhere to be found. It’s like she dropped off the face of the earth and landed in a dark, grim pit of despair. Chains of melancholy hang off her and her only company is a dark figure looming above her. She hides it, though. She does her best to seem able and it chips at her in ways she can never imagine. Her love life is as much of a turmoil as she makes it out to be and why she can never hold on to someone no matter how much she loves them. Being lonely is as synonymous as living, nowadays.

Hobbies are for people that can function before 2 pm. She leads the lifestyle of the languid and disinterested. Her clothing consists of nothing but black because of work but she’s deeply impressed with all things pastel. Music is her passion but she can’t sing, dance, nor work an instrument. On her off days, she can be seen toting a book of poetry or some five hundred paged novels. She’s social with a touch of forlorn. She’s beauty with a tint of anguish. She’s happy but fragile. Take things by stride, child. Sangbi loves but wonders why she can’t step closer to those that care for her.

Spirit: Hebe

Power: youth and vitality restoration

+ she can essentially restore youth and rejuvenate any living matter (even when faced with the near grips of death) to their peak state of existence.

+ delayed aging – ever since she reached adulthood, she always appeared a bit younger than she really is

+ her bronze orbs would flicker gold whenever her powers would course through her.

- it is linked to her wellbeing and lucidity. If she’s suffering from a depressive phase, this power of hers is considered obsolete. If she’s experiencing a manic high, it makes a sporadic appearance.

- basically, Hard to contain if Sangbi does not have complete control over her emotions.

- distance, mass, and precision depend upon Sangbi’s knowledge, skill, and strength, and her power’s natural limits

- the effects are only temporary as anything that she has stimulated will eventually revert to its original state or take on an even worse outcome: extermination.

Biography: (tw: child abuse, self harm)

“Pain is a beautiful color on you.”

She made excuses for her father: this was how children were raised.

Sangbi was beaten into submission and forced to make choices with fear and pain as her catalyst. If she made a mistake, she was met with fists to her chest. If she didn’t listen, pipes were rammed into her backside. If she didn’t cry, she was beaten even harder until tears flooded her vision. This was how things were in her household. Clouded by a childhood of suppression, she truly believed that being in this much pain was normal. Fear spiked every cell in her body as she bled with each teardrop rolling down her cheek. Her heart ached like it should but her mind told her that this was all justified. To this day, she has never felt hatred for the man that beat her well into puberty. Pity and sorrow filled her every time he crossed her mind. In the face of others, he strived to be generous and kind. However, his demons overcame him to the point where he oppressed the people he’s meant to love.

Looking back, unease used to set in when she realized that she bore a remarkable resemblance to her father. At times, resistance seemed futile but it’s the will to do so that keeps her sane…mostly.

“Change begets change.”

Sangbi wasn’t professionally diagnosed with bipolar disorder until she was a junior in college. It was autumn. She remembered because of the way the burnished leaves danced outside her therapist’s office.

The night before, her mother had found a collection of blood tainted single edge blades in a shoebox under her bed. It was then that everything kind of fell into place. The fresh cuts on her thighs and arms were brought to light. Tears were shed as her mother blamed herself for not seeing the signs. Well, who could? She was meant to be happy. Sangbi was beautiful in every sense. She was accomplished and a pinnacle of her community. When she wasn’t doing volunteering at the animal shelter, she was writing some award-winning prose about human inequality. She tried so hard to be the perfect child because she knew that pain awaited her if not. Sangbi lived the better part of her teenage years manipulating people into thinking that she was okay. And, if she ever slipped or felt out of place, she had to create her own pain. It hurt less than being beaten by her father.

When push came to shove, the truth unraveled.

She was mentally unstable and formally medicated for manic depression.

No one can pinpoint the exact time Hebe spread her wings and unhatched herself in Sangbi. But, it had to be around the time the child was suffering and at her lowest.

That’s what Hebe did. She makes one realize that there is something worth living for. She reinserts a sense of pulchritude and peace of mind back into one’s life. It’s then that you’re the best version of yourself. Youth isn’t only synonymous with appearance. It’s the vitality that runs through you. It’s your perspective of the future and how brightly it presents itself to you. You need to learn that forgiving yourself and others around you doesn’t make you weak. It gives you strength.

And, until Sangbi realized that, she would never truly be Hebe, the goddess of youth, vitality, and forgiveness.

“Have or have not.”

Dropping out of college was odd. It wasn’t exactly a lucid choice. She just remembered that she stopped caring about classes, grades, or anything, really. One could say she was swept in yet another crestfallen mood. Honestly, that could have been reason if it weren’t for that painful stabbing in her chest. She made the choice to ignore her pain because she was used to it. Pain had become such a norm for her that it just made sense to look past it. Now, if she had considered it, she would’ve discovered that there was nothing physically wrong with her.

That “pain” was the awakening.

Sangbi was enjoying a cup of dark roast when this neon yellow flyer got caught up by the wind and blew her way. It took all of five seconds for her to decide. In her predicament, one might say it was an obvious decision. She had no job, home, or car. Her parents took it all away when she quit with only a semester left to graduate. So, it was easy. Bartend or die.

It was a nod to Hebe’s role in Olympus. She was the cupbearer of the gods and served them with nectar and ambrosia. The daughter of Zeus and Hera, she dedicated her life to nurturing and serving them.

Now, that didn’t mean that Sangbi was subjecting herself to the whims of Hebe.

Twenty inches of wood stood between her and everyone that she met. She didn’t have to impress them in any way than being good at her job. There were no facades and she smiled only when she wanted to. Guys liked her because of those bedroom eyes and girls liked her because she didn’t give a shit what any guy thought of her.

It would’ve been nice if it stopped there. Sadly, when you’re harboring the soul of a goddess, contentment is a fool’s dream.

[mint-sm]

LOS CAMPESINOS! REVIEW/ANALYSIS: Romance is Boring

Let’s talk about a word for a minute: Tryhard.

In an (at the time of writing at least) mildly recent interview with Noisey on the subject of this album, lead guitarist Tom Campesinos! (Tom Bromley) described “Romance is Boring” as “probably the most self-conscious record, and it's probably the most try-hard record as well,” describing it as a reaction to that whole “twee” and “pop” label they were most popularly recognized with from “Hold on Now, Youngster…”, and even after the release of “We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed.”

Like I said on my reviews of both albums, I feel that “Youngster” was an excellent release if only for the sound it ended up with, and not necessarily the band’s initial visions, which would then be addressed and accentuated in “Doomed,” which more clearly defined the groundwork that the band wanted to pursue underneath the indie pop exterior roof formed with “Youngster.” With this album, “Romance is Boring,” they definitely wanted to challenge that idea even further; become more experimental, create much more blaring, aggressive songs in unusual time signatures and beats, with more complex and detailed production alongside Gareth’s self-deprecatingly bitter, but intricate and atmospheric lyricism. In other words, “Romance is Boring” was a self-imposed challenge, and if they wanted to be “try-hard,” they succeeded.

At the same time though, Tom seemed to be somewhat disappointed about what the band would make in the future in comparison to this album, saying “I would never make songs like that again, at the moment I'm not in that frame of mind where I would, so when I listen to them I'm like 'shit I can't believe we made this'.” The sad truth about trying really hard to be as fucking wild and complex-sounding is that it might be something you never wanna try again because you might never, ever reach that adrenaline-fueled mindset you were in to originally craft it again in the future, and as we’ll discuss with “Hello Sadness” next time, reality just might hit you hard enough to stray away from that.

It’s a shame, but as an artist who often gets fatigued of just trying to work on a passion project for years that burns out for a while after releasing a thing, I can sympathize a bit. Creating and experimenting is very tough, and it takes a lot of time, and you will be often be surprised as hell by what you make in the end, but at the same time it can be really straining, only made bearable by sheer passion and emotion (mostly frustration, it sounds like) that, sad to say, can dissipate just like that, and getting it back isn’t something you can just “do.” And “Romance is Boring” is passionate and emotional, and the experimentation clearly did pay off, but was their process something they should be willing to go through again? Well, I don’t know Gareth and the band well-enough to decide for certain, but I’m gonna say… probably not?

CAN WE ALL PLEASE JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN!?

But anyways, let’s talk about “Romance is Boring” itself. Simply put, as you probably might have inferred from other reviews, “Romance is Boring” is my favorite Los Camp record. They put a lot of fucking effort into this album, likely more than with any other record they’ve ever made, and it shows. It contains basically everything I think the band excels at, and even the parts it doesn’t normally do the absolute best in, they do exceptionally well here. Witty, poetic and dense lyrics, blaring, catchy, and diverse instrumentals, wild and conflicting yet consistent moods, and hauntingly vague but vivid imagery following and exploring complex and dissonant themes and narrative, such as the idea of falling in love, disappointing mental anguish, depression, creepiness, selfishness, bitter sarcasm, and regret, among others. It sounds a lot better than the emo shit it just came off as, honest.

The album is much more narratively flowing than “Youngster” or “Doomed,” and as you might expect from the title, it’s about romance, but not necessarily in a completely despondent way as it also might imply. While an overall theme it provides is one of dissatisfaction and heartbreak, once again, Los Camp’s ability to simultaneously yet fluidly meld together multiple diametrically opposed emotions shines through here.

The second track, “There Are Listed Buildings,” is a very good example of this, because the instrumentation is by far the poppiest and free-flowing track on this album, almost “Youngster”-ey in quality, with these cheery “BAH BAH, BAH BAH, BAH BAH BAH, BADDADA” choruses with what I think is a tuba or trombone, and just a wonderfully-sounding electric guitar riff pre-chorus, it all feels so bright and carnival-ly, and honestly, so are the lyrics, which are playful and strangely optimistic for the band. I think it’s about a like a couple deciding to actually pursue a relationship, with lyrics like “I think I'd do it for love, if it were not for the money / I'll take any scraps that you can give,” which is made honestly kinda cute and sweet-sounding in a sepia-tone, sarcastically hipster kinda way.

I REMEMBER BEING NAKED TO MY WAIST, THOUGH NOT IN WHICH DIRECTION 

[YOU ARE A GLUTTON FOR LOVE, CAN YOU GIVE ME SOME ROMANCE? I'M A GLUTTON FOR SIN]

However, the opposing feeling from this song comes from the exact details and the context in which this song ends up in, because other lyrics seem to reflect more of this idea that the girl is actually really a little too desperate because “You dangle fishing line for crabs, but they're not interested /  I'm your only bite,” which kinda reminds me of that XKCD comic discussing that “nice guy” that at first seems sweet and caring for a lonely girl but is actually disturbingly manipulative and creepy as shit (which some people unfortunately seem to unironically agree with). Plus, as was shown by Los Camp songs before and after, Gareth has simply never believed that “true love” exists, and this budding relationship is uh… yeah, it’s kind of doomed to not end well.

It’s made so much clearer with the song right after it, the title track, and I just love it for how utterly SPITEFUL it is. Whether these characters played by Gareth and Aleks are supposed to be the same throughout the entire album, I don’t know, but this relationship has gotten incredibly bitter and sarcastic, the instrumentation is so fucking blaring and distorted and crashy and violent at times, and the chorus features the band absolutely screaming “YOU'RE POUTING IN YOUR SLEEP, I'M WAKING STILL YAWNING, WE'RE PROVING TO EACH OTHER THAT ROMANCE IS BORING,” it’s so gleefully hateful. I don’t think I’ve heard many tracks of a mutually mentally abusive relationship that sounded this damn cathartic.

WE ARE TWO SHIPS THAT PASS IN THE NIGHT 

YOU AND I, WE ARE NOTHING ALIKE 

I AM A PLEASURE CRUISE, YOU ARE GONE OUT TO TRAWL 

RETURN NETS EMPTY, NOTHING AT ALL

Really, I could go on with these tracks all day and pick apart the little intricacies of each song to dissect how great each one is, because this is probably the absolute densest Los Camp has ever gotten instrumentally and lyrically. There’s so many little moments as to what makes every track work so much, and rarely is it just as straightforward as the title track, but even when it is, the production and poetry just feel so incredibly potent, it’s essentially like instead of listening to a song and being gradually surrounded by atmosphere, “Romance is Boring” fucking clocks you with it.

Just getting out of the way, I think maybe the least experimental track on this album is “Straight in at 101,” because instrumentally, structurally, it really does feel the most straightforward, even with little moments with like a sudden blast of distortion at one point or how it immediately goes from feeling bright and upbeat to somber, then complete silence as Gareth sings about how “the talking heads count down the most heart wrenching breakups of all time / imagine the great sense of waste, the indignity the embarrassment when not a single one of that whole century was mine.”  It, and maybe “A Heat Rash in the Shape of the Show Me State; or, Letters from Me to Charlotte” are probably the most “standard-sounding,” or like baseline to Los Camp, which doesn’t mean they’re bad, but yknow.

I’d still consider it a very strong track because it’s still very consistent, it’s got a very continuous but evolving groove to it, and the lyrics are still jam-packed with wordplay and description that paint just this really fucking selfish, but also really kinda(?) sympathetic narrator, who makes his utter disappointment with what I’m assuming was a one night stand very clear. Los Camp is a very self-aware band and Gareth’s a very self-deprecating writer, but the way he manages to be both really ugly but astoundingly relatable, and also so mean-spirited to a point where you can’t help but really laugh at how much of a shit he is is kind of admirable.

I THINK WE NEED MORE POST-COITAL AND LESS POST-ROCK

FEELS LIKE THE BUILD-UP TAKES FOREVER, BUT YOU NEVER TOUCH MY COCK 

AND WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN NOW BY, "WHAT CAN YOU EVEN EAT?" 

AND HOW DOES THAT AFFECT HOW I'LL GET OFF THIS EVENING?

Two of the most unusual tracks that I both love from this album are “Plan A” and “I Warned You: Do Not Make an Enemy of Me” (goddamn that title just makes me so giddy for some reason), with “Plan A” being probably the harshest, off-sounding and most punk-like track Los Camp has ever recorded, with its atonal, distorted mashing chords and screaming call/response vocals (it’s so fn weird hearing Aleks sound panicked and frantic, but goddamn I miss her) before suddenly segueing into like this sing-songy, but still distorted and oddly free-flowing, almost twee-like chorus, and “I Warned You” sounding so stilted and awkwardly tense yet cheery with its weird tempo and beat shifts, almost feeling kinda outsider-music-y at times.

BROKE DOWN LAUGHING AND SCREAMING FOR MORE 

BUT IF THIS CHANGED YOUR LIFE, DID YOU HAVE ONE BEFORE?

Another personal favorite track is the intro, “In Medias Res,” which starts off the album just perfectly, starting with like these gentle, but already kinda already compressed and messy acoustic guitar chords before slowly building up into this like surprisingly reverbed, ethereal and charming instrumental, with a backing that almost sounds like it came from like a shoegaze or dark dream pop track, but with like this really, dreamy and cute duet vocals and glockenspiel. It sounds so oddly saddening yet so weirdly uplifting, especially with that little breakdown near the end with all the distortion effects placed against the glockenspiel, keyboards and brass; I’m pretty sure you can hear at some points Gareth screaming some lines, but it’s so blended-in with the instrumental, but it sounds kinda… beautiful.

And the lyrics, oh god, the lyrics. For some reason, the first and last lines just have so much damn atmosphere loaded into something that just feels so… simple. I can’t explain it without the context, but the very first line, “But let’s talk about you for a minute,” just really gets to me for some reason, probably because within this album itself, it just says so damn much about its themes, that while incredibly toxic and awesomely angry at times, can also get really intimate, melancholy, and depressing, especially with the song’s outro lines:

“IF YOU WERE GIVEN THE OPTION OF DYING PAINLESSLY IN PEACE AT FORTY-FIVE, BUT WITH A LOVER AT YOUR SIDE, AFTER A FULL AND HAPPY LIFE, IS THIS SOMETHING THAT WOULD INTEREST YOU? WOULD THIS INTEREST YOU AT ALL?”

Keep in mind, Gareth believes that true love doesn’t exist.

And in a really cruel reality, despite how playful, giddy and sarcastic or self-deprecating it can be dancing around the topic, Los Camp STILL can’t prove to us that heartbreak, however, isn’t anything but incredibly real. The final 3 tracks on this album (not counting the bonus track, “Too Many Flesh Suppers”) perfectly reflect this mindset.

The fan favorite “The Sea is a Good Place to Think About the Future” is simply put Los Camp’s most beautiful, poignant track they’ve ever made (and also one of the most devastating and emo), and it serves as one hell of an emotional climax for the album. While Los Camp hasn’t really been one for imagery and instead prefers mood most of the time, this track is the perfect marriage of the two; everything about it just seems to paint this incredibly vivid mindset about a depressed, suicidal and utterly broken lover (if it’s the same one from “There Are Listed Buildings,” it’s even more so), who I can just imagine is like sitting on the far end of a dock on a very gloomy beach with gray overcast and an sea, maybe like rocking her legs back and forth sitting on the edge with her feet just touching the salt water as she just stares hopelessly out onto the endless horizon. Y’know, happy stuff.

The lyrics on this track are just some of the most utterly concise and madly specific descriptions Gareth’s ever written, with simultaneously pointless yet (ugh I normally hate this word in this context but) deep and precise lyrics, and Gareth’s vocal delivery just slowly escalates to this heartfelt, like pouring-out-his-soul-in-desperation, perfect climax. Everything about this track just works, and it plunges you into this visceral, atmospheric world of gray skies, salty seas and contemplation, where it really does feel like that the sea is a great place to think of the future… or maybe a lack of one.

SHE SAID ONE DAY TO LEAVE HER, SAND UP TO HER SHOULDERS, WAITING FOR THE TIDE

TO DRAG HER TO THE OCEAN, TO ANOTHER SEA'S SHORE, THIS THING HURTS LIKE HELL... 

BUT WHAT DID YOU EXPECT!?

But like I said, Los Camp likes to dance around these sort of maudlin themes, and immediately after one of the bleakest tracks they’ve made, we suddenly get more cheery, upbeat, and snide in “This is a Flag. There is No Wind,” whose first lyrics are literally the band shouting “CAN WE ALL PLEASE JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN!?”, singing another almost-kinda-sorta indie-twee track about a couple stupidly in love, but we all know that it’s all unhealthy and it’s going to end poorly, right? Like, any song about love that has the chorus “The story of the winter I forgot how to speak, my mind was like a nation's flag but my breeze was too weak / How they dragged me to the hospital saying I had gone deaf / But I heard everything they said, it's just I had no interest,” no matter how crowd-pleasing and roucous and glockenspiel-accompanied it sounds, can’t have a story that ends well, right?

Well, considering how the album ends with “Coda: A Burn Scar in the Shape of the Sooner State,” a much slower, a lot more ethereal-sounding ballad with the lines “Run the water 'til it scalds, you know that I'm listening / Pitter-patter runs the shower, hits the bare porcelain” and “I fall to my knees, my piss-soaked jeans / The first time, the last time, all the times in between”... it’s probably safe to assume yes, it didn’t. Actually, considering “The Sea is a Good Place” and the chillingly repeated outro of “I CAN’T BELIEVE I CHOSE THE MOUNTAINS EVERY TIME YOU CHOSE THE SEA,”  it probably ended VERY horribly. And… that just fucking sucks, you know?

Goddamn, there’s still so many tracks I didn’t cover, but damnit, if I make this any longer, this is gonna just turn into a track-by-track thesis paper, since there’s just so much to talk about. These are basically the major elements I love the most and find the most worth-addressing, but the thing is that this entire album feels worth addressing, because once again, it’s just so damn packed with just about everything I feel makes an album work in my eyes. There’s not a single track that’s not worth analyzing and appreciating, but christ, there are only so many hours in the day! D:

BY NOW IT'S JUST THE THREE OF US

ME, YOUR SHADOW, YOUR ECHO

“Romance is Boring” is just a fantastic album. It manages to contain all of the things I feel an album needs to be heavily engaging, and the fact that most of them came from a band who normally doesn’t do that great in some of those aspects such as actual concrete description or instantly recognizable context makes this feel all the more surprising and welcoming.

And that’s where it all comes down to: it is just really, really engaging. It’s powerful without being overbearing, it’s noisy while being incredibly and consistently precise, it’s descriptive while being pretty accessible, and it’s varied but also manages to maintain a consistent sound Los Camp have finally pinpointed down as that which can be identified as uniquely their own. It plays up the band’s unique strengths just enough that you never feel alienated or feel forced or anything like that, and not only is it as adventurous as the band might ever get, it’s one hell of a fucking adventure. Hail try-hardiness. (5/5)

...So what happens now?

FAVES: “In Medias Res,” “There Are Listed Buildings,” “Romance is Boring,” “We’ve Got Your Back,” “Plan A,” “Straight in at 101,” “Heart Swells/100-1,” “I Just Sighed. I Just Sighed, Just So You Know,” “The Sea is a Good Place to Think About the Future,” “This is a Flag. There is No Wind,” “Coda: A Burn Scar in the Shape of the Sooner State,”