#he wouldve learned that like everyone is breaking the rules and that no one cares

[clonewarsahsoka]

Maybe this force training will be good cause this guys got a girl

[big-box-of-kinda-silly-fop-ideas]

Just wanted to make like a proper way bio thing for peri (irep coming soon probably if i bother)

I would write fanfiction but uh idk if i could so these are more like characters notes

real long post below

Peri is a highly independent adult, he doesn’t like being coddled or touched without any warning and isnt the type to ask for help at all even if he really needs it. He’s an extremely closed off person using the suave act as a way to personally seperate himself to others which he developed due to his celebrity status, the suave personality also acts as a way to keep face as he never knows where could be camera. He pretends this cool collected guy, that can worm his way to getting anything (which is true) that has everything under control but in reality he’s this kinda dorky dude, that always anxious on how people perceive him and his grades. He’s an overachiever, after the initial first baby born hype died down he’s mostly known as the really smart youngest fairy in existence, he’s was an academic weapon throughout spellementary school and hs (im basing his education system off mine which is only two schools no middle 4-12 and 12-18) and came to uni with overconfidence in his educational abilities. Theres one thing thats consistent between his suave act and his actual self which is he’s petty as hell and very snarky, you can try talking him down but he’ll roast you back or give you a vaguely threatening threat. As well as being a bit prideful and vain, like he knows he’s pretty and smart and cares a lot about his appearance.

In this uni au he’ll be a bit of a static character he doesnt grow much, and struggles with demonstrating his affection or his struggles. (Which is why dev and peri dont exactly work much cause peri is overcompensating on how much coddling he got, and show affection in a more subtle way that dev doesn’t need as he need a more direct way (and heres a thought i dont think peri wouldve ever said he cared for dev unless delirious) ) . But he’s more openly affectionate with his parents cause he loves them. What he mainly goes through is humbling, he starts fairly prideful and overconfident but starts to slowly crumble from the pressure and anxiety. As in he doesnt say no to anything, hes somehow always busy or doing something, he also studies not enough and too much (crams shit in) and he also got his celebrity things to do. Another arc will be opening up to Goldie and Irep (but they'll be his only friends) cause he doesnt learn shit about how to socialise without depending on the act. He’s also easily frustrated, if things dont go in the way he wants he gets frustrated at himself, like he really put his self worth on his abilities to do things and less on who he is as a person. Like everyone praised him for his intelligence, charm, talent, magic and appearance, like he hates being coddled but he likes being praised, while irep doesnt get praised and seeks getting praised. But that doesnt change the fact he is a genuinely nice-ish person he just doesn’t like disappointing people, especially those close to him but he’s got a bit of an ego but not in a narcissistic way but in a young adult way where he doesnt exactly think for others first but for himself because he doesnt want to disappoint people. (Which is seen in battle of dimmsonian where hes more worried about being seen by his parents and his career choices then dev). Which is also why he’s a stickler to the rules, like he doesnt want people to think he’s bad person but also jorgen literally drilled it into him that breaking the rules is bad. Like he’s the type to do it right by the books, that comes from him being a bit of a people pleaser, and genuine concern of him messing up his perfect facade.

Speaking of Goldie, i would describe their relationship as fairly close. It takes a while for the either of them to open up to anything personal but they start off as friends of mutual benefits. They use eachother as study buddies, people to hang out with and to talk about their slightly weird interests. And the more they go through uni the more they will confide with each other. Like i imagine a tipping off point for their friendship is when peri finally breaks and gets like a panic attack, Goldie will be there to boost him up. Irep is also their friend but he’s in it more to best Peri or to piss him off. Irep is one of few to see through his act and knows how to break it.

Like genuinely i do think hazel and peri may be counterparts to each other like they both lost their sibling figure, both overthinks scenarios and both want to be appear more mature then they actually are. Like i want anw to be where he grows the most because he’s more challenged to question his behaviours and habits, especially with how these traits affect his and dev’s relationship for the worse.

[blackm00ntarot]

Wait!!!!! I remember on youtube someone stated that people will be watching bts like hawks, people that had ill intentions and I guess this is one of them. I forget the youtubers names but it sounded spot on to what your saying people who use black magic to make a situation worse for the idol in question or smear campaigns and everyone is acting like he actually murdered someone which in hindsight wouldve been worse and definitely more of a legimate crime. bts are so so big that they really have to be wary themselves. I think this is one of those times where people want to try to still discredit the members but I find that happening with a lot of groups I follow

however something doesnt quite sit right with me about this, I dont care to defend idols if they are indeed at fault for their own behaviour / wrongdoings yet at the same time it is almost like they were waiting to catch a bts member in the wrong. But it was still his choices at the end of the day he couldve just called someone to collect him.

it still doesnt add up fully because they acting like drinking that much alone is healthy or wise to do, how do u think its going to turn out?

Interesting. It's the first time I've heard of such a prediction. Too bad if it comes true.

I'm in no way defending Yoongi in this situation; he acted irrationally and has only himself to blame. He knew he was drunk but used the scooter knowing how dangerous this vehicle is, even the fact that he may not have known that it is illegal to use a scooter while drunk is no excuse for breaking the law. It is his fault that when he got his driver's license he didn't study the rules of using this license to the fullest extent. Besides, it was only 500 meters that he could have walked.

Even with all this, he surrendered to the police, passed all the tests, apologized, and is now ready to suffer the punishment he is legally entitled to. Everybody makes mistakes, people learn from them.

He's not the worst criminal in Korean history to make a scandal of this magnitude.

I can only hope he learns a lesson from this.

Maybe it's fate's way of saving him from making mistakes in the future.

[aminiatureworld]

HI! Quick note: write this whenever you want and be sure to take care of your health first! Your works are amazing and masterpieces take time, I can be patient <3 Hope you have a lovely day! (also, 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠: trigger themes like attempts of suicide, probable hints to dissociative amnesia? I was inspired by it at least and some... Limb being bitten off as well as latest archon quest spoilers so readers be cautious!)

Anyway, I'd like to request for Xiao, Albedo, Zhongli, Kaeya and Diluc (if the number is too much you can cut off whoever from the list) with Traveller! s/o that like has no memory of their past but have clues through these... "Visions/Dreams".

It started out a little simple; every once in a while, Y/N would see these little figures floating around their environment. Shadowy wisps, sometimes ghosts talking to them. But in real life, people can't see them and only sees them talking by themselves (and some are a little weirded out). But then one day, while they were out adventuring in the ruins slimes or seelies... Whatever small cute creatures can exist in Teyvat suddenly gathered in Stormterror's lair and they grew curious cuz they heard... Music? Playing? It was echo-y and creepy but then they heard a very familiar tune that they KNOW is linked to their past so they followed and went into the vicinity

(As reference, or for some idea: https://youtu.be/JZ6buLNIgs8)

The moment they stepped inside and pinpointed where the music is coming from they bolted up the stairs (if there are any, which probs not but in reader's case there is) and suddenly the stairs lead them to a hallway from a tower/palace, and walking further, there were two huge doors that lead to a ballroom with more than dozens of ghosts waltzing and singing with the music

(No they did not question why would stormterror's lair have a hallway or how it even has a ballroom inside, nor why creatures would gather in said lair. Questions that break away from dreams are nonexistent)

So obviously they were happy at the wondrous sight and began waltzing along with everyone from strangers to... Unrecognizable but familiar faces? Until They danced with this boy their age. The more they looked the more they were enamored and the world around them was but a hazy dream (as vague and hazy the environment in their head can get) but the boy became more and more vivid and so did the music until they practically sang together. But then as the music stopped and s/o turned their back for a second; the boy sang: "And a song someone sings..." And wisps suddenly flew out of him and towards Reader, making them fall unconscious into their arms as the Prince of the Abyss sang in their ear. "Once upon a december..." Before Aether disappeared and he was but a dream.

And then all of a sudden Reader was yanked away from their dream; almost literally. They turned to see their lover holding onto their arm with concern all over their face and explained to them they were so close to the edge dancing away they could've fallen off of the third floor (which was already high!).

And that's when things get a turn to the worse.

Every dream gets worse than the last; anything that involved the abyss, or seeing these star pendants like what Paimon has on her hair or Kaeya's little decor on his clothes or involving Khaenriah or whatever Albedo's research is rn lure them into a dream vivid than the last and it gets even harder and harder to break them off their dreams. One night of going to bed they suddenly had a dream of their old family/friends swimming in the ocean and telling them to join them, and they wouldve if their lover didnt sweep them off their feet and broke away from another dream they didnt realize was 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑛 a dream. And the realization that if they jumped off, their bones wouldve broken cuz a bunch of boulders and rocks on a steep cliff would make a nice floor for landing right?

But still, Aether and the abyss (which in their dreams were ghosts and just... this blond guy you knew but never realized it was your brother and the abyss) are recurring themes. Coming across any of the factors instantly puts them in a dream and reader cant tell whats reality and what isnt. Everything is too vivid they didnt see a bubble coming their way or an attack coming towards them and they were about to be thrown off. It got to the point Reader was getting claustrophic from the rooms suddenly shrinking as they were cornered by these ghosts that turned frightening and whenever they fight back they end up nearly murdering someone of mindlessly attempting to destroy one of The Seven statues.

It lead Reader to be.. Kinda suicidal. Not just because they hate themselves and their situation its cuz its the 𝑜𝑛𝑙𝑦 𝑤𝑎𝑦 they knew how to escape the dream and wake up in a bed in their lovers arms. And because reader cant distinguish reality from dreams sometimes even if their lover is present they see these ghosts and think 'this must be a dream I have to wake up from!' cuz in the long run theyve learned fighting back meant hurting someone so they.. Redirected the pain to themselves so theyre very confused to see their lover throw their dagger across the room and they end up breaking down no matter where they are (or in worse cases in the middle of battle). Reader grew dependant on them and panic attacks after these dreams became more frequent until they cant even trust their surroundings whether its a dream or not.

(I'm very sorry with how long this is and I rambled in grotesque detail you may polish it however you want :"DD)

This can be in any format you'd like! But I mostly prefer headcanons + scenarios? like the bullets then comes scenario etc. But ye write however you want sorry for rambling hope you have a nice day thank you

As a Romanov history enthusiast this request was both very interesting and very difficult. Mostly because I found myself veering off into “lore dumping” for lack of a better term. Still I hope the general feeling of your request was captured well.

I spread various aspects of your request around as best I could, depending on character, outline, fic structure, etc. The only thing I didn’t keep in was the suicidal ideation. This is for various reasons, some personal, but in a more general term I think that it can be very difficult to portray something like that in a way that isn’t excessively triggering and is worthwhile to read for a variety of people. The way one person would process through such emotions and put them to paper could be harmful to another. Overall I thought it best to steer clear from such a topic, with the knowledge that I didn’t find it necessary to the story and thought it would be an imperfect addition on my part. Not that I find never addressing such topics necessarily the right path either, only I think that in this case better not to. I hope I explained why adequately. 

I know that wanting to read and write about such topics does not directly correlate to being in such a mental state but I do hope you also take care of your own mental health. Though getting out of such crises can be difficult I want to tell you this at least. You aren’t alone in feeling this way, even if others in your direct vicinity cannot understand. And also sometimes finding a direct reason for continuing on comes later. Sometimes surviving is enough. And even if you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, that doesn’t mean you should take a step which you will never be able to reverse, the only step you will never be able to reverse in your existence.

I also leaned into the Romanov family dynamic, rather into that of the traveler siblings. Whether the reader is the traveler is kept vague on purpose, as I generally as a rule don’t write the siblings. I also found that in keeping them specifically canon compliant to the traveler siblings I’d have to cut back on the more historical illusions. Being a total history nerd I chose the latter option. 

Otherwise my fics varied in complete accuracy to the prompt, though I hope you find it enjoyable to read nonetheless.

Here they are in order of Albedo, Diluc, Kaeya, Xiao, and Zhongli. I hope you find them a worthwhile read and thank you for your request. I hope you have a lovely week.

[mostlikelyshutup]

thoughts while watching the first harry potter:

listen i started this list a little late im ngl but notable thoughts so far are me thinking of dumbledore as a gay idiot and still loving hagrid

do you think hes speaking in parseltongue in the zoo when hes speaking to the snake

forgot boats existed

these idiots do scream a lot dont they

i forgot how light hearted this universe really is in the first couple movies

yer a wizard harry, okay hagrid maybe slide him into it a little better

we get it tuney you have fucking trauma, doesnt mean you should abuse a child

hasnt everyone had their name down since they were born, hagrid? theres a list

i like that his umbrella is pink

are you paying for those damages hargid? stop taking the door off the hinges

though, if the dursleys are, keep breaking shit

speaking about dragons on the the fucking tube, its a miracle harry didnt get in trouble with the ministry sooner

what is hagrid's usual? does anyone know???

fucking Quirrell, cant wait for your epic love story with the dark lord

maybe we should tell the 12 year old how the fuck everyone knows his name, just maybe

they do a great job of getting the wonder down pat

how much money and licensing do you think it took for them to get all these owls on set

ahh yes, antisemitism the bank

how many vaults are in gringotts?? also if harry's vault is the potters vault, a literal like sacred 28 family, one of the original families, and its number 600 something, how many were there before the potters?? did the potters get a vault recently? or is this james and lily's vault?? how rich were james and lily if so??

look at ollivander, crazy tinker uncle, love him

this might be the socialist in me but why do people have to pay for wands if everyone needs one??

why is the dark lords twin wand just sitting around on the shelf, ollie me boy??

do you think thats Harry's true wand or do you think thats because of the horcux thing?? do you harry had to get another wand after he died?? did he? i dont remember the last movie

is ollie me boys actor wearing contacts or are his eyes just like that??

thats a very weird way of showing Halloween 81, very misleading

hagrid said ill predict voldys rise in the first movie so we can have some plot development

hagrid is late to everything isnt he? i can feel it in my bones

i swear ive seen these movies, and ive even read the first book, i just dont remember shit

youd think theyd have someone in the know stationed close to the entrance for the platform, for any muggleborns

ginnys actress really had no fucking lines in this movie did she, just had to stand there

oh wait she said good luck

amazing work ginny

ooh a warm filter

can muggles see the express? like just running from london to scotland

wicked!

you didnt have to show the woman the sad sandwich ron

i think the trolly replenishes magically, i think thats how thats how that works, i want to believe that

god i cant tell if i would love or hate hermione, shes pretentious but so was i at that age

god dont fucking point your wand right in someones face mione

how does mione know who harry is?? why does she care?

look at the tiny first years, might just go and pinch theyre cheeks

MINNIEEEE i love you minnie

looking stunning minnie, the green brings out the sternness in your brow

you go minnie, give your speech, thats my head of house

shut up draco, youre not bond

you pretentious fuckwit, your hair is brassy anyways

if this is a class of kids born in the middle of a war, how big are the usual class sizes wtf

THE FUCKING CLAP

fucking propaganda ron, you slytherin hater

what order are these names going in, did they just randomized the list

oooh we get quiet for the boy who lived, jesus let him keep living

the fact that for the rest of these people its just silent is so fucking funny to me, Harry's just fucking whispering to himself

get their attention minnie

me dads a muggle, mums a witch, bit of a shock for him when he found out

NICK, love to see you buddy

i have no emotional attachment to peeves but i feel i should mention him here

the stairs still piss me off, why the fuck would you make moving stair cases

who sets out gloves for the next day? am i the weird one who doesnt??

Minnie, you are the love of my life

shut up snape you dramatic bloodpurist incel

i know theyre setting him up to be mistaken as the villain but jesus christ hes still an asshole

your robes Neville, you forgot your robes

its weird how they have to learn all these latin charms yet only have to say up to get their brooms to work

why wont you go after him, hes obviously not exactly in control, Hooch

does Hooch only teach first years? she is quite literally the equivalent of a history teacher who coaches football

what the fuck is Quirells classroom

they dont make the house teams because no first years can try out, Ron

MINNIE PLAYED QUIDDITCH?!?!? WHY DIDN'T I KNOW THIS

why didnt you speak up earlier Mione wtf

bc the fire wont give you away, harry, better hide

FLUFFY, WHOS A GOOD BOY

they have much worse things locked up in the school, Ron

Oliver wood is a bloody liar because i still dont fuckign understand quidditch, also theres like 500 rules, wtf

thats a shitty explanation of how the game works, Oliver

BLOW IT UP SEAMUS

SHES TWO FEET BEHIND YOU RON YOU IDIOT

carrot cake? on halloween?

dont shrug as if you didnt literally bully her ron

thought youd oughta know, bit of an understatement Quirell

no duh the trolls left the dungeon ron

lying: the best start to any friendship

we're at a net zero points for gryffindor for the year at the moment

the amount of interaction these kids have with professors is so weird to me, is this what small class size do to kids?? its weird

not comforting Oliver

Okay i understand Oliver simps now, I get it okay

are there no backups or subs for quidditch? feels like there should be, like of all the games

set him on fire mione, i know hes not the villain of the movie but god he sucks

fancy flying from harry fucking potter

okay but also i feel like there are some things we should not trust hagrid with, like hes not that great at keeping secrets

why is harry excited about christmas if he thinks hes not getting presents? i knw there are other aspects but like thats the only reasont o get up early

i always remember this scene at night for some reason??

not just an invisibility cloak, THE invisibility cloak ron

btw who gives it to harry? is it remus? is it dumbledore? is it like an inheritance thing? whats up with that?

there are jumpscares in harry potter

he very much can hide, filch

stop being a narc mrs norris

does harry even know what his parents look like at this point? how does he know who the fuck is in the mirror of erised?? he doesnt have that stupid scrapbook yet does he

oh they nod, sure lets clear up that plot hole

they shouldve put sirius and remus in the mirror in that scene, shown his whole family, wouldve been a nice setup

how does rupert grint already look so tired as a twelve year old

big speech to give to a twelve year old Dumbledore, when you wont even tell him what you see

Emma really does just slam that book on Daniels hand, thats mustve fucking sucked

the fact that ive watched two movies that had Nicholas Flamel in two very different roles this year is very strange to me

well thats probably on account of it being a fucking dragon egg hagrid, now isnt it?

was hagrid a hufflepuff? i think he was, maybe a ravenclaw

yes four, you blonde idiot

that shot is really nice, it sets them apart

what happened to filch to make him such a miserable man?

ooh mention of werewolves, awooo werewolves of london

yeah just dip your whole hand in hagrid, dont be scared of the strange liquid, take a nice little bath

i loev that dog, i want that dog, i want to hug that dog

god just the look of that forest is so bloody cool

wait so is that quirell walking fucking backwards?

maybe ask who the fuck youre talking to before asking other questions??? wtf harry

why are yout talking to the centaur like hes your old friend harry, youve literally never met him before

snape doesnt want the stone at all Harry

god hagrid you sweet stupid man

snape is completely valid for that, if a twelve year old ever looked at me like that i would punch them

Do you think people ever loose invisibility cloaks? like theyre invisible do you think they ever just never get found again

i hate the look of the dog spit, that is so gross

they really left everything in except for the fucking potions didnt they, damn

harry potter walked so queens gambit could run

hermione, posted up

rons stupid in the later movies because he got a concussion as a twelve year old

god harry really posted up to beat up snape in fucking khakis

"I knew you were a danger to me!" Hes twelve, Quirell

let me wait for this weird dude to unravel his head scarf instead of running away

the magic in this movie is real fucking conditional isnt it

just some casual necromancy for the stone? you sure about that voldy, you two faced bitch?

let me choke out this twelve year old real quick

oh yeah why is he able to just avengers endgame Quirell? is there an answer to that? like was that ever found out

do you think voldy passing by him while he hold the stone actually killed him but since he holds the stone hes functionally unkillable and then some magic gets put into him and thats why he can return to life later when he actually goes to the whole afterlife place?

ohhh we're vouching on the blood magic for the endgaming of Quirell

do you think dumbledore came across the vomit flavored bean before or after his sister died?

Mione's got a headband! Looking snazzy!

how did Hufflepuff only get 352 points? Gryffindor literally lost 150 points this year and they only beat them by 50, wtf, is it because they kept getting caught with weed

I wont even speak on the fucking outrage that is this point awarding, its already been spoken on. However, Neville shouldve gotten more points

What if someone just stood up and started challenging Dumbledores math, that would be so funny

some of these extras are really attractive

but james potter is somehow so fucking ugly why did they do that to my mans

hagrid deserves the last shot of this film, i love him, he deserves everything, that stupid sweet man

[peaches-of-1]

(BTS) Golden Lover: Chapter 3

Namjoon x Black!Reader

High Fantasy, Magic, spells, gods and goddesses

Mstrlst in bio!

“Darling daughter?” Mother called.

“Yes?” You replied.

She nodded towards your plate, “Are you not hungry?”

You shook your head and set your utensils down, “Please excuse me. It seems that my sickness lingers. I’ll be turning in early.”

“I’ll walk you to your room, Princess.” Jimin stood from his seat.

“I can--” You began, but Father cut you off. “She’d quite enjoy that. Thank you, Jimin.”

You wanted a shower. You wanted to be alone with your thoughts and smelling salts and a few cats, but no. Jimin chattered excitedly about how beautiful your Egypt was. How warm and humid but irreplaceable it’s beauty was.

“Um, Princess? I couldn’t help but notice how you were during dinner tonight. You didn’t get some bad news, did you?” His voice softened.

The worst, “Of course not. I just...I haven’t had much time to myself today. I’ve been quite busy entertaining the guests, getting to know you all.”

“I wouldn’t lie to your future husband, Princess (Y/N).” He laughed.

You swallowed hard and his smile fell.

He looked down, “I didn’t mean offense, Princess.”

“I don’t wanna marry you. I decided that from the moment I met you.”

“I see.”

You looked at him, “Please don’t be upset.  I just...my father is making me choose a husband within the next two days, before the end of the festival.”

He looked at you, “We leave in three days.”

“Of course.” You sighed. “I just. I don’t wanna lose the throne due to my being stubborn. I want a good king to rule by my side, but I want to love him as well.”

“Marrying for love? You are a special one, princess.”

You scoffed and laughed, “Whatever do you mean?”

“As a royal, I would think that you would have given up marrying for true affections by the time of puberty. Often thinking instead who can help their country or prestige the most. However, you still hold onto the hope.” He looked up at the sky.

“Should I give up hope, though?”

Jimin shook his head, “Never. I believe love is powerful and one of the purest things on Earth. If you were to give up on it, then what would you have left?”

A small smile played no your lips, “You speak our language well.”

“Thank you, Princess. May I ask you a strange question? It’s something both Hobi and I were wondering.”

“You may if you tell me who Hobi is.” You replied with your arms behind you.

He didn’t know you were taking the long way to your room in order to speak to him more, but he spoke curiously. Kind but honest, and you could feel the amount of love he had in his heart. How he gave it to everyone and everything.

“Hobi is our nickname for Prince Hoseok.” Jimin smiled, “Would you like to prepare a dance with us? For the festival send off that is. We’re both proficient in dance, and your father was singing your praises at dinner. It’s ok if you don’t. Even if we cannot work as marriage partners, then I’d at least want to work as friends. Performers.”

“You’d want to dance with me?”

He nodded in ernest. It was true that you were often seen dancing in the square with your body covered in jingling gold. Oftentimes in the middle, you’d stop a robbery or something, but a princess had to know her people to serve them. That was your philosophy at least.

Back to the matter at hand. This Jimin was interesting, very interesting.

You nodded, “So, whose style would we do. Yours or mine?”

“I was thinking a fusion of our styles. Don’t you think that would be the most fitting?”

You smiled for the first time in hours, “I’d enjoy that very much. I know just where we can practice and teach each other the basics.”

This time, the prince smiled so big that his eyes disappeared, “Yes! Thank you, dear princess! Guide me, and then we can meet after dinner.”

Right, you were supposed to be unwell. You led him to the dancing spot in the garden where a stage would most likely be set up. The grass there was just growing back from last time you turned down a marriage. Then you both went to the door in front of your bedroom. As he returned to the eating hall, you snuck away for a quick swim.

A small meow was heard from the sideline, Qasab Alsukar. You told him to stay where he was and not to jump in. He walked to your pile of clothing and laid down in them. It was a stunning starry night. All your worries drifted away as you floated on your back, your twisted hair fanning out around your face.

You thought about the princes and were glad that you had been honest with them. Even if you wouldn’t be getting married to them, you could still be close to them. Having dueled with Jungkook, showed some artistic landscapes to Taehyung, Jimin and Hoseok had become your dance partners, and Yoongi was your fellow animal lover.

He had even asked you if he could take one of the cubs home, and you said yes once they were a bit older. Then there was Namjoon.

Why did your heart do that everytime you thought of him? It pounded in your ears, and you closed your eyes to shut out the sound. It didn’t work. He was gorgeous. His smile made you want to smile. The way he treated a pet that was not his. Qasab Alsukar could’ve been a street cat, but he still showed the kitten the same care as a house cat. Kim Namjoon. (Y/N) Kim. That’d be your name if you were to marry him...or his brother. The way Yoongi talked about his friend, it seemed as though he gave that kindness to everyone.

Mayhaps he’d be a good husband...maybe you did lo--

The splash of a rock to your left startled you, and you turned to see who it was. Your relaxed demeanor turning stern.

“What is the meaning of this?” You ordered before you recognized the person standing there was the man you had just been thinking of.

Kim Namjoon bowed low, “Pardon the intrusion, Princess (Y/N). There was a snake approaching you, and it did not seem you noticed. I threw the rock to hit it or at least scare it off.”

Looking around, you saw a serpent unmoving in the waters nearby. It most certainly would’ve killed you if it had gotten any closer.

You turned to him once more, “Thank...you...”

But he was gone.

Ah! Dinner must’ve been over. You put on your clothing after drying off quickly and then began walking towards the meeting place for you, Hoseok, and Jimin to begin practicing. As you got close to the archway, you realized. Kim Namjoon had seen you naked. Your breasts had been above water. How long had he been standing there silent? You made a note to speak to him the next time you saw him as your cheeks began blazing.

Alsukar mewed at your heels, and you picked him up, “Mayhaps I should get guard dogs since you did nothing to warn me, you little rascal.”

He licked your nose and meowed. Too cute. As you went into the dance room, the three of you and a drummer practiced until morning. None of you wanting to take too long of a break. Wanting to do your best to show unity and friendship and just in awe of how well you worked together and not wanting to break the flow of good energy.

You were woken up by a beautiful serving girl. Bahr. She called your name and said that she was relieved to see you. Groggy, you blinked and wondered what she was talking about. The kingdom had been worried about you and the princes since no one knew where you had gone and they had found a dead poisonous snake in the pool where you were known to sneak off to.

“We were just practicing for the festival. Where’s Iset?” You dismissed her worry with a smile.

“Her room.” Bahr replied.

“I apologize for the worry. Please inform everyone that we are fine. I’m sure father will be happy to hear me interacting with the princes.”

She nodded, “Does that mean you’ll be performing at the festival with them?”

You looked at her, “It does. I’ll be dancing with Princes Jimin and Hoseok. A fusion dance for the occasion.”

She couldn’t help but smile, “Does that mean you’ll be finding a husband this time around?”

“Maybe. I think I’ll have to if I want to be next in line.” You looked down.

Bahr had been here for many years but spoke formally, “Forgive me if I am speaking out of turn, but...I want to see you married. If you do not love your husband, then you can learn how to. Then you and your kingdom will be happy.”

She kissed your forehead and left. Breakfast had been left on a platter by your bedside. You must’ve missed it in order to sleep after dancing for so long. Iset showed up while you were eating and scolded you for disappearing. She called you a cat what with the way you went where you want when you wanted to. She went on and on with her heart on her sleeves and then asked you where you had been after all.

“With the princes…” You said. “We’re planning something for the festival and were practicing all night.”

Iset raised a brow, “For the festival or just for you? Which princes? What?”

You explained yourself and promised it was for the festival, “I’d never fool around like that...at least with nobles.” A small grin crossed your face from memories.

She sighed, “Well, I’m glad you’re opening your heart. Do you have a favorite? One you could at least learn to love once you get wed?”

Namjoon’s stern and focused face appeared in your mind once more. Ugh why him? You shook your head, ans Iset gasped.

“Who?”

“It’s nobody!” You bit into a slice of bread.

She huffed and crossed her arms.

“Fine, Namjoon! I...he’s kind and he’s the one I’m most interested to learn about. I’m lured to him. When I think about him, my heart races and I think about him when he’s not around. I don’t understand. I’m not interested in anyone but him.” The honest words tumbled out faster than you could hold them back. Your began hitting your head. “What’s wrong with me? Why does he plague my thoughts so?”

Iset couldn’t help but giggle as she held your hands, “My dear, you’re in love with him.”

“I...I could never!”

She grinned, “Whatever you say, (Y/N), but I felt this way when I saw my husband for the first time and for days after. Love at first sight is a rare thing, do not throw it away for your stubborn pride.”

“Anyways, are you doing anything during the festival? You’ll be leaving soon afterwards as well, won’t you?”

Your fellow princess and best friend gave a nod, “I am. We’re planning on having our first child and being more serious about ruling our people as a couple and securing the throne. All that joy.”

You looked out and saw Prince Namjoon and Yoongi on their way to the river behind the rest of the boys just talking. Taehyung had a large smile as he walked backwards with a towel in his clutches.

He noticed you and waved, catching the eyes of the others who turned around and did the same until Namjoon bowed. Then they all followed him by bowing as well. You rolled your eyes trying to ignore the glimpse of Namjoon’s smile and the skipped heartbeat it caused. Iset stood next to you as soon as you turned away. She waved as you missed Namjoon’s smile falling once he could no longer see you.

_____

“Namjoon-hyung.” Taehyung called. “Do you have feelings for the princess?”

“No!” Namjoon blushed as Yoongi replied, “Yep. He sure does.”

Jimin piped up, “ I think she might have feelings for you too.”

The prince’s ears perked up, “What? How?”

He disclosed how while he danced with you and Hoseok last night that you asked about him, what kind of prince he was. You had said that you wanted to spend more time with Namjoon but were nervous to approach him.

Hoseok added, “She wanted to know what plant you were talking about when you first met? Apparently you met her before dinner.”

“Ah, yes. In the market. Her father was quite strict and she was walking around without protection. Her cat followed me and...it’s the catnip.” Namjoon cut himself off when he was met with blank stares. “I brought some because I heard there would be a lot of felines here.”

A black cat with a golden ankh necklace rubbed at Yoongi’s ankles, and he picked her up, “At least you were right. I’m glad, too.”

“I’d be a good husband for her. At least, I’d like to think I would be.” Namjoon continued. “She’s cute and I enjoy her personality. I er...saw her in the pool last night...nude.”

The men all stopped and started to ask overlapping questions.

“I’m not telling you anything! I just noticed someone in the water, looked to see if they were ok. It was the princess, and there was a snake coming towards her, so I stoned it before it reached her.”

Jin replied, “Oh, Namjoon-ah! So heroic!” He laughed.

Jungkook smiled along. The boys all talked about how in love Namjoon was with the princess, and he was shy and blushed all through it. The black cat was nearby the whole time. She bathed in the sun and ate a fish Namjoon caught for her.

As a direct son of the King, Namjoon had a lot of land.  A lot of resources but he was not in line for his own throne. That was Seokjin, but the younger royal was in charge of training warriors. Jin was in charge of money. Taehyung was in charge of agriculture. All of them seemed like they were good friends. Marrying just one of them could ensure so much for your people.

All of them knew this, but only one of them could marry you. It was obvious to them who they wanted it to be. Fishermen were nearby, shirtless and wet with strong arms from constantly casting nets and lifting heavy loads of sea creatures for a living. Prince Jimin watched the tallest of them intently, head in his hand.

“I have an idea!” Said Jungkook when everything was quiet, startling the cat and Jimin.

Yoongi smiled at their reactions, “It’s ok, kitten. You should go home now. I’m sure (Y/N) misses you very much.” His eyes gave a silver glow.

The cat meowed, surprised he knew the truth. Namjoon offered to walk her back to the princess, so he dusted off his shorts, threw on his robe, and held the beautiful cat in his arms.

“What’s your idea, Kookie?” the quiet man asked.

“Well, we all know we’re not getting with her,”

“YA!” Exclaimed Jin. “We haven’t even spent much time together. How do you know--”

Jungkook spoke up, “Why do you think that is?”

The oldest stayed silent at that and pouted. So the youngest explained a plan on how to get the two royals together. It would happen the day of the festival. It sounded like a good plan to the other princes. Jin was a bit downtrodden that the princess hadn’t gotten any one on one time with him, but he hadn’t really gotten the chance. He’d try to know her true feelings and from there decide if he’d be a part of Jungkook’s plan.

As Namjoon got closer to the palace, the black cat stayed close to his chest. She was adorable and the Prince thought about asking to keep her as Yoongi had done with the lion cub. Then the cat looked around and began to freak out as RapMon (affectionately called Mon-ie) ran up to his owner. The cat jumped out of his arms and ran as Monie barked and chased her into the Princess’s room!

“Mon-ie, NO!”

A strange flash of light came from the room, and Mon-ie ran out of the room and into his owner’s arms with his tail between his legs. Namjoon then worried for (Y/N) and ran into her room.

“Princess!” He called as he entered.

She looked at him. Princess Iset was there as well. The prince bowed, “Sorry for the intrusion, princesses. I just thought I saw...um. Did a cat come in here? I was trying to return her. Yoongi said she belonged to you, so I came from the beach, I mean river, to--”

“Yes, she ran out the window.” Iset replied, “She’s quite an outdoor cat. Can’t stay in one place for too long.”

She took a slight glance at you, and you blinked and looked around as if you had just returned to your own body, “Namjoon?”

“Yes, princess?”

“Please prepare something for tomorrow’s festival. I want you to show off your talents yourself instead of hearing about them from your friends.”

He blushed, “W-What would you like me to prepare?”

You looked at him, “Do whatever you think will win me over, Princey.”

The man bowed, “Yes, Princess. I do hope you feel better.” He then moved to leave, stopping mid turn. “Oh, right. Catnip.”

“What is it?”

The prince motioned to the plant in the windowsill that had cats swarming around it and soon lying down here and there.

“Cats really like it. The plant that I brought for you.”

“Oh…” You said, looking at the plant then back at him. “Thank you.”

He gave a flash of his dimples as he smiled, “You’re welcome, Princess.”

“I seem to be thanking you a lot.”

“Your presence is all the thanks I need.”

With that, the Korean prince left and closed the door behind him. Namjoon was worried. What could he do to impress the Princess in just over 24 hours? He went to the room that was prepared for his stay. Several cats had fallen asleep on his now relaxed white dog. At least they seemed to have figured each other out.

The prince stood on his balcony and looked out upon the scene before him. Sandy browns and tans that matched his golden skin helped to contrast the green of trees and blue of the ocean. Darker browns of people dressed in whites and gold popped out here and there. Namjoon wanted to write. He grabbed a notebook from his luggage and began writing, his hand struggling to keep up with his mind.

He wrote about Princess (Y/N). Her black twists like snakes around his heart. Snakes he loved, the tail of a cat. The ears as well, perking up to every creature. No. No. It was so messy. So unclear. It matched his mind. He was never good at showing his feelings towards those he was attracted to. Then again, it was a rare occasion. The last time he fell in love with Princess Wheein, and she was married off and sent away without him knowing.

They spoke through letters until she had her first child. That was years ago, but it still stung from time to time. Her sister was currently pursuing Taehyung, but everything had been put on hold for this trip, this chance to marry a foreign Princess. More beautiful than any of the words people had used to describe her.

Namjoon took a deep breath and remembered her in the market. That tattoo on her list. Remembered her at dinner that same night. He wasn’t sure why his heart hurt when he saw her conversing with his friends. Like when she and Taehyung were leaving to go on what he later found out what was a boat ride on the nearby river. It was for his little brother’s artistic inspiration. The deepthinking Prince recalled how his heart soared when, one by one the boys announced that she had only wanted friendship from them.

The word was on the tip of his tongue. The only logical explanation for his feelings. Love. But it couldn’t be. There was Wheein. There were all the girls at home and...he didn’t feel like this towards any of them. Not since he had seen (Y/N).

Before his eyes flashed the woman floating in the pool after she excused herself from dinner. She had seen so upset during the meal, so he was glad that she was smiling with her face towards the stars. His heart did a funny little tingle.

Prince Namjoon began to write once more.

Is this love Is this love Sometimes I know Sometimes I don’t The next line What should I write? So many words are circling me But I don’t like a single one I just feel it Like the moon always rising after the sun Like nails growing, like trees shedding their leaves When winter comes You’re the one To turn my recollections into memories Before I knew you My heart was only in linear motion

Yeah. That was a good start. It was the truth about his feelings. This was what he’d perform for the Princess at tomorrow’s festival.

[matthew-eleventhirty]

so i havent written in a while, maybe thats because what i found out was my worst nightmare. two years, almost two years. i was happy, you were happy i think. but when things started to go crazy you werent happy anymore. i wanna vomit thinking about what our lives used to be, what they used to feel like they were heading towards. but a month out of that, youre with a new girl. im so conflicted- to feel sad or to tell you to fuck off. this is one of the hardest things i had to do and everyone is treating me like im some fragile doll. i hate it, but i also just want someone to wake me up and tell me this was all a dream. yea you were really shitty during some times and i let a loooot slide, but it was all because i loved you. im sorry my friends wrang you out to dry, i didnt tell them to but i was really really appreciative that they did. the second they saw shit was going everywhere. it only makes sense for you to have been cheating on me. i mean, less than three weeks to find a girl, ask her to date you, go to the tree, then post it? you dont post pics with tinder dates...? so who is she? why didnt you tell me? why couldnt you just have been honest. that you wanted something different, that another girl caught your eye. its better to rip the bandaid off with me. but no i sat around freaking out trying my absolute hardest to give you what you wanted. i was nothing but amazing to you, patient with you, caring for you, trying to help you, trying to help you to help us. maybe youll never realize that and think im too pushy. but the words you used, the way you kissed me after. i it doesnt make sense. it doesnt add up. how could you do that to someone you loved, let alone a person. but you know what, everyones right you are a loser and a coward. but lets touch on another point. the means for breaking us up were: 1. no one knows me at school, i want to be more known 2. i just have so much to figure out, i need to be alone to do this 3. if you really love something let it go, if it loves you back itll come back. now mr. i think im going to law school please lets go over this. you 1. have a new girl who lives two towns over and from the looks of it doesnt go to st johns so thats gonna be even more difficult to get your name out there huh 2. YOU HAVE A NEW GIRL SO I GUESS THERE WASNT THAT MUCH TO FIGURE OUT and lastly my favorite 3. that is the cruelest thing you can do to someone- to give them hope when you know there is no reason to. your moms was right, youre not worth crying over. but hey guess all of them are going to be compared to me haha i love it. you played me bill there i said it you fucking played me but dont think for one moment that girl will stop you from freaking out or getting too aggressive dont think that she will have the patience for you when you cant come over or that plans are canceled or that your schedule is so busy dont think that she will care for you the same way i did by trying to help you unload some of that baggage. dont think youll ever have the same relationship with anyone after me. im special, im the whole fucking package and i come with a fucking bow. you missed out, but maybe giving you a chance to miss out was the worst thing i couldve done. you made me feel bad when you had to work extra shift to pay for some wimpy ass birthday gift. they were never wrapped and never as special as i wanted to feel. the only good gift was the ring. but i guess even thats a joke now. you really did a 180. i dont know who this guy is, hes not the person i dated. you were sweeter when you were broke. you were nicer without that fucking car. you were a better boyfriend when you didnt try looking like any other washed up teen spending their parents money to buy the next nicest thing so they post a pic to twitter just to get like 10 likes. you were a much better person and i dont think it was the depression, i think its because youre not able to be your own person. you need to follow trends (and yes by being the first in line to get some weird blue floral print shorts is you following a trend) you needed to have the nicest car but that car isnt even paid for by you. that insurance on those things are so high. your poor parents. i cant believe you really need the nastiest human being on the world just to look like a dumb ass faker. you ugly fuck. i hope she realizes what a fucking prick you are. i cant believe you changed. you were a sweet boy but i was right on the 4th and i was still right in newport and i was right when i told you after we broke up. everything needs to be your way or no way. you needed to play a stupid game with too many rules to show my family you drink we dont care i wanted to spend time with my friend. you really couldnt have let me walk through the stores because you wanted to buy an ugly ass sweatshirt. youre mom called you out on it. you couldnt talk to me when i desperately needed to when i felt like nothing but a shell and would cry myself to sleep and throw up because i cant keep anything down not even coffee. but dont worry because i came out stronger and i will continue to be better because one thing i hope you picked up about me is that i need to be the best, the very top, the prime example for fun and brains. i need to be that. so i will be that, and you will be so far behind it would take you decades to get to where i wouldve been in two years. i hope you realize you are a fucking idiot. and i hope one day i can learn a thing or two from you imbeciles. because im gonna have the best time ever and enjoy being single and enjoy my achievements while you bury yourself in debt. hope you marry rich because at the pace youre going, you wont have a great paying job until your 50s. and the debt youll have no thankyou. i understand college is a rollercoaster and its frustrating to try to find your path but dude, a lawyer... during the third year of your four year scholarship? idiot, might as well just buy a bunch of shit on your credit card and hope it goes away. my next thing to look for is stability, if the people who i am talking to mention a job and aspirations and a plan as to how to work things out and talks about how he knows what he enjoys and has a good relationship with his parents and knows what he needs to do and when to do it. i need a man. i need someone who can and will pick me up just to swing me around his shoulder. i need a man. i need someone who will make me stronger and wiser. i need someone who will want to see me grow and not expect for me to help them get through non- challenging things like organization. you having depression is different. thats when you could expect me to help you. but dear lord, give me the strength to get through this and lord please give me the knowledge to recognize these things fast and to confront them and to know to stand down. lord give me the patience to succeed and to help me heal properly, lord give me the guidance to come out better than ever. life is tricky and its only just begun. i might hold on to this. 

[isaacathom]

yknow actually something thats sorta dumb about Azure and co going all medieval on Caelum VI is that him being next in line for the throne was well established!!! he didnt just appear one day at the end of Twila’s reign like ‘yea hi im next in line and i barely speak the language’. from basically the moment Twila took the throne, everyone went ‘shit noone has Ever seen a demigod give birth and scientists dont even think thats possible. who the fuck will take her place’. and while Caelum hadnt actually been born at that point, being that he is a generation lower than her, it was well understood that an alternative would need to be found just in CASE it was for definite that demigods couldnt have children and that Twila could produce no heir. which was true.

so they’d settled, initially, on Jennifer, who was the only daughter of Prince Dimitri and a distantly related princess called Zaira, who lent additional legitimacy to Jennifer by being descended from Soleil III (via Soleil’s third child, Morgan, who married an eastern princess and thus sent that whole family branch in that direction). In fact, her being aware of her position as next in line is likely what influenced her into naming her first born son Caelum, rather than an eastern name. She would pass away before Twila did, making Caelum the heir, but he had already been exposed to Divinitian culture and was perfectly prepared to take the throne if required. and when Twila’s age made him the heir apparent (aka Theres No Fucking Way), it didnt really change anything for him. He simply started making more frequent trips, spoke regularly with Twila about her concerns and plans for the nation going forward, and made strong efforts to learn the language and culture. Twila’s advisor Morgana even suggested he try and meet a nice Divinitian woman to help cement his connection to the country, and was able to help him get in touch with some aristocratic families with charming daughters. Which worked out, because he began a few years long courtship and eventually married a lady named Celeste. So honestly, he was fine. Twila publicly supported the transition of power to him, which she actually began a few months prior to her death by having him and Celeste accompany her on some of her royal trips, etc etc.

His issue, essentially, was that he had to succeed a demigod monarch. had Twila been human but simply not produced any heirs, his ascendancy would never have been challenged. he’d likely have had a far weaker grasp of Divinitian language and culture, but the guy cared, so he still would have tried to make it work, and likely still would have married a Divinitian lady to help seal the deal. but because Twila was a demigod, ooh boy. It was a battle between Politics and Religion. Politically, he was the best choice, and would likely be a fairly decent leader. maybe not as great or earth shattering as Twila, given that she led a 20+ year golden age during her reign that only ended because of Azure’s uprising after her death. but still good! not every monarch can be ground breaking. his foreign connections wouldve likely been amazing for the country too. but Religiously, could a human really claim the throne of the gods? Sure, the royal family were figurative deities, but Twila was ~literally~ a deity. in a sense. compared to a mortal, at any rate. Caelum had nothing godly about him. he was just a foreign goof. nice guy, not magic though. and thus Azure pounces, using both her grand argument about deities AND any of his negative traits against him. he’s a foreigner! he doesnt understand divinitian culture, how can he expect to rule us? his marriage to celeste was purely political and a ploy! (shes not technically incorrect but general consensus is that Caelum truly worshipped his wife, especially once they were forced to flee Divinice. but like its a fair complaint, isnt it) all that fun stuff, right.

the divides within the community would be sort of weird, too. the south, which is technically not part of Divinice, firmly supports Caelum. a number of aristocratic families, especially initially, support the monarchy (particularly Celeste’s family, who were almost certainly disgraced and if they still exist, are not noble anymore). Once Azure arises directly after Twila’s death, the groups she gains are largely the highly religious working class, and a few especially pious nobles who help bankroll her to start with. then with time, the balance of power tips, and a bunch of aristocrats jump ship from Caelum and join Azure, dooming him. thus, he flees down south to regroup, and then surrenders and flees east with his family.

its uh. its whack? i guess

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this weekend was actually okay and something i needed. on saturday i spoke to my landlord who was very aggressive about our deal and it gave me alot f anxiety. i attempted to share this with.. well.. anyone, and it was really isolating. the day before i had spent just a few hours with him and another friend and i felt isolated. saturday evening he decided he wanted to hang out and was really, really excited to share that he had found a cottage he could use this summer. neither me nor my friend was that enthused. both of us have lives that dont reallt include cottages and who knows if he will still be our friend by then. honestly. and he presented this with such excitement, like it would be good news for me. like i would care. like i was supposed to care. i think in a way both my friend and i thought good news wouldve been him wanting to move out of his mothers house. like he had a change of heart and realized what was actually for the best. he stuck on the cottage, repeatedly asking me over the next day or so if i was excited. he said i could go fishing. if i dont, does he bring someone else? but having him in a good mood was much better than usual and made him much more affectionate and nice, which is what i needed to overcome some of my anxiety. not all anxiety can truly be solved on its own. he kept touching me and held my hand and was overall just really nice. it made me comfortable enough to share my landlord situation and surprisingly he had a similar reaction to my own - they had been nice before, they set out the rules im following, theyre just angry they arent getting anything right now by definition of their own rules. he told me it was okay and i didnt need to worry about it because they had resolved to threats and aggression when i never once acted inappropriately. i felt alot better hearing that. weve been very careful not to comment on each others choices but still offer passive opinions. he doesnt like me living with anyone and hes negative about all of my options. but he doesnt tell me outright what to do / what im doing wrong in his eyes. but it felt better to feel justified in my belief that i wasnt crazy for thinking that i was in fact following their rules and procedures. a bit later on he mentioned that i should try for my native status and to me its a very sketchy subject based on almost 100 years of people with a very flimsy story which i imagine is mostly true but there could be serious false parts. thats why i just accept the ancestry my father believed in but dont indulge in it. but its gratifying to hear a random opinion which someone came to on their own regarding my ancestry and their belief in my belief. but he added that i should seek out an aboriginal center that could help me through the process and they should be more than willing to help because ive experienced so much abusive trauma. i felt a bit thrown back by this observation and didnt really reply. i mean, im not insulted or offended. im more genuinely surprised that within his own thoughts he believed i had abusive trauma and he wanted a way for me to cope easier in life. and it wasnt just oh u had trauma, it was 'so much abusive trauma' - very specific, indicating belief that not onlt had i experienced trauma on its own but that it had been willfully inflicted on me in my past. i believe in a way this also refers to the fact i told him what has been unsaid between us but most obvious in our last fight. he is a contributing factor on a semi regular basis to my anxieties and depression because he chooses to be as close as he is in the type of 'relationship' we have but does things like randomly break up or blame things on me. but its up and down, putting me through a cycle and my trust and patience, as thin as it was to begin with, is hanging on by a thread. i do believe he could leave at any moment without deep thought into how it would affect me. and he tries to remain naive or ignorant to the damage he caused; he asks me if i know where random things are or why i havent taken care of our herb garden and i remind him that im not here and im not welcome to do these things or know these things. he pushed me away for almost two weeks and expected things to be exactly as they were like i had left yesterday. i believe, like my ex, my trauma is too large for him. like, its a hard thing to completely encapsulate and see on a single level at once. and its complex emotional abuse - whether purposeful or not by people that may or may not have had control over the situation. i have felt like an observer since i was a baby. like im just watching crazy shit go down over and over again without a real period of content in between it all. in the afternoon, i felt a bit better. i didnt need sympathy or a shoulder to cry on necessarily, but when you feel very isolated, having your existence acknowledged is good. someone knows. they thought about it. i didnt implant it or bring it up. i roller skated for a bit - im sure its like literally 5-10 minutes of skating at a time but to me its kind of amazing im outside on rollerskates at all. and i think its kind of unbelievable to others as well - not that im too lazy, just that ive made an active choice to emerge from things at the best of mt abilities. later i began looking for jobs and apartments, repeating the same routine of the last few weeks but grateful to be in comfort doing it instead of at the library. i began narrowing down my search - i know, i know, i should take all the jobs. any job. put myself on a production line, hand bomb boxes, cut up chicken - but i cant. i cant do it at this point in my psyche. i cannot physically or mentally bare the process of living that way. its incomprehensible to me - im not above it. im not stubborn. im not lazy. but when you barely have the desire to get out of bed and feed yourself and bathe, to create the desire from nothing to go to a factory and pack boxes for eight hours of the day is so much time alone with my mind. its not distracting or challenging enough and ive see. these terrible jobs make normal people depressed so to me it seems like a death sentence. so i began to narrow it down - its been a long journey, acrually. it started months ago when i sat down and sincerely though about the very few things i could believe or want in my life thriugh all the fog and trauma and stress. it was very basic - im kind of a simple person. or maybe im simple among my turmoil. i like animals - but they also can trigger alot of anxiety and emotions that i dont want to deal with on a regular basis on top of having employment to maintain. i like cooking and baking; but all job environments with this are very high stress fast paced places and i am a sloth. not lazy, again, but currently moving at a pace that is the best of my abilities. i like computers but my skills are from 2008 and i dont have the patience or attention span to upgrade them right now. i like, in some ways, cleaning but i dont think its something id want to do everyday of my life. i like caring for the elderly, but again, its a complex job with alot of mental stress. so for the past month or so ive settled on essentially something in horticulture. i like growing things. it brings me a little joy on the inside. i like herb gardens and flowers, i like being outside, i like learning about plants. i began looking for a job in a garden center but they were few and far between and i began to realize that it was still mainly retail. so i applied to landscaping - i could cut grass and weed gardens but its male dominated industry and i dont think my few years of experience doing well, nothing, makes me a their first choice. plus its back breaking and the weather conditions can be terrible. so i looked for jobs as a florist or in a flower shop or maybe just the flower department in a grocery store. it seemed relatively low stress, not incredibly fast paced but something that was always in demand and flowers and maintaining flowers is great. but i began to learn that it required experience, as most jobs do, but as i thought about it i realized perhaps i could be a floral designer. it sounds really.. meh. like a super unimportant job with no real purpose and may e thats okay. it has alot of options; floral shops, weddings, funerals - its an oddly versatile thing that also allows for creativity and an experience of art and a little bit of science. its not complex, but it could be. and it allows for expansion - i could run my own flower shop. its not the most useful trade but its something thats always useable. i hesistantly looked into schooling. it seemed like a random course you took once and they gave you a paper. but a neaeby college has an entire 2 semester course that includes fundamentals of color and design and business plus floral design and other similae things. i say near but its a 2 hr bus ride away. however, its only on saturdays. one day a week for eight months. for curiousitys sake i looked into student loans. my last experience was uncomfortable. despite my best efforts, including calling multiole financial aid offices and sending paper work, i was still messed around and had no idea what to do to fix it. in rhe end i was told it was unlikely student loans would cover my choice; it was an online course in criminal psychology. i felt defeated and turned away from it but looking back now it was a poor attempt to alleviate pressures. so i was weary that osap would cover this course. apparantly school was sketchier than i thiught and the websites were utterly confusing and just asking for money up front. but i continued on, certain that it must work - everyone else manages it. i found the loan calculator and inputted the data. it would be the bare minimum course load thst would count towards getting a loan. it seemed impossible, a course that only happened saturdays that would be covered by a loan. but it recognized the course and calculated based on my assistance i get now, which i know is possible and i know assistance encourages you to do so. it came back as covering my books as well as 9000$+ for living & travelling expenses for the eight months. right now, assistance would allow me a little over 5000$ provided i dont get a job. and thats for living and eating, 300$ a month for rent, 300$ for basic living. at 9000$ i could afford 500-600$ in rent, possibly more if i really wanted to stretch it more so as a loan, when i work, my money isnt deducted. so my shelter costs are covered and at an even higher amount of rent for 700$, i have 300$ still to live on. if i wanted to live alone, that is. having 500-600$ to offer in a roommate situation or towards anything in my future is better than the 300-400$ im looking at now. so i think i want to do this. im going to ask assistance to cover the application fee and im rly hoping i have the one pre requisite course they ask for. it doesnt solve anything right now at all. this is long term think over the next 6-8 months, whicb honestly is scary. im scared by planning so far ahead for myself. and its hard because what if what if what if. but i think its the right thing to do. i dont know if it is. was i ever going to be a famous chef or doctor or office person? probably not. im lucky to exist as i am now. its a reachable goal just outside of my comfortzone and despite the meager amount it seems like theyre giving me, its more than i have had for almost a year now. i believe im ready to handle this, which is funny because its thrown on 18 yr olds eith no life experience but it doesnt matter. a friend has been sort of wanting to be my roommate. its hard to trust her though. and its a really sketchy situation to enter into but financially it would make sense and it would allow me to keep a majority of my comforts. she said she drove around and looked for apartments yesterday and called a few, which is more than ive done. she did show me a few but they were just out of my price range and i wonder if i just wont have enough money to even have a roommate. i also havent had any calls or opportunties for jobs or cash and half of it is my fault. today i could go to contract testing andearn 20$. but ill spend 4$ to get there. i wanted to make it a trip and go to the assistance office too and submit paper work for my application but my desire is not there and im frustrated st myself because i was given a fine weekend. and i need the money; im nearlt short of first & last for 400$ worth of rent, which means i cant even look at 500$ places. i can, however, afford 450$ which is not so bad and i guess i could borrow 100$ from someone if it came down to it, considering my efforts. so 20$ today would sort of go towards living expenses right now and i guess i just.. dont care. i also have to call hydro because i have a past due notice im hoping doesnr translate to final notice? im past due on mt past due and even making the phone call seems daunting. my mornings have become battlefields, mental acrobats of havinf set a plan - even a simple task and fighting myself for several hours about doing it or why or for what purpose. i commend myself, sadly, on the three consecutive days at the library last week. thats actually unheard of in my world, getting up, getting ready and goinf out at almost the same time for three days in a row. then it was the weekend. and now im here. and the weeke d didnt bother me. it didnt cause this, or maybe it did but it doesnt feel like it. im glad to have spent time with him in such a positive way but i guess i have a looming feeling of "well tomorrow i know i wont see him" and ill work out my day alone and eat alone and sleep alone and have all this time because i barely have wifi and no cable and no tv and no movies. its not his fault though. its mt fault. he doesnt have to share his time eith me because i couldnt manage to have wifi. or that i sold my tv. it would be best for me to do the things i planned today. i also havent began cleaning or packing any of my things. i could use boxes. but i kind of want to sleep; i didnt sleep well last night and felt ljke i was up most of the night, having slept alone, and being woken up pretty uncemermoniously at 630am. he explained he was up until 3am working on his project and managed some niceties but dropped me a block from my apt for no real reason. i do scorn myself for not taking initative. these tasks are really fucking simple and crucial to my well being but ill comfort myself with "well, its only this time of day, i can still do this and this later" and its such a poor cop out. i could do it now. the two hours ive been sitting here, couldve done it. but i didnt and i honestlt probably wont and that really makes me such a bucket. its hard feeling down about your depression. but i guess unfortunately im going to start this day again in a few hours and im sure ill be much better off.. or atleast well enough to move from my bed.