#he was too much of an absent dad to save him and his mother

[pawzofchaos]

what if Father Gregor was projecting his own insecurities and guilt about parental negligence onto Lila here when he was scolding her.

Look at how absolutely broken and afraid he looks here with Dexter

[kaileedraws]

Introduction: Adrien Agreste

Hey fellow miraculers! Here’s Adrien and a little about how he’s going to be portrayed in this AU. I’ll list the characteristics and/or problems that I saw in the show and then delve into how I’m going to take things here. Most of the issues I found in his character is just that his issues aren’t really talked about, but the subtext of a great character is there and he definitely has main character potential

1. His outfit

This is honestly a budget issue/creating recognizable characters for the show, but like all characters, I want to see more Gabriel Agreste fashion on him.

2. Love interest or main character?

In the show, it’s said that he’s the main character, but he doesn’t appear as such. A lot of his emotions, struggles, and life isn’t delved into as much as Marinette, yet he has so much potential. He’s a teenage Rapunzel trapped in a tower waiting for his ladybug in shining armor to come save him. I want to explore not only his fears of losing his freedom, but also his experimentation with rebellion and standing up to his father.

3. Adrien as a Model

In the show, his life as a model isn’t talked about really much, he just thinks it’s boring and it’s a nuisance to him. However, with some research, I discovered how horrible it can be. For one, Adrien would become desensitized to personal space and being touched without permission, putting him into awkward positions in his job and even with classmates. He would get taken advantage of a lot easier. As a model and celebrity, Adrien would also experience Parasocial Confusion — which is when a celebrity has difficulty distinguishing between genuine personal connections/love and relationships/infatuations of fans. This would make relationships with him incredibly difficult.

Additionally, model assault is a huge thing in the fashion industry. Unfortunately, because Adrien is such a pushover and people pleaser, this puts him up to be a prime target for abuse that he probably thinks is just normal (yes this happens, I promise, it sucks.) I want to see a huge character arc with him learning about personal boundaries and learning how to enforce them, with his friends teaching him what is Ok and what is not socially.

4. His personality before his mother dies

If I’m not mistaken, I don’t think we ever get much insight into how Adrien is like before Emilie “disappears.” From what we know about her, she is a princess and an actress, which brings me to my headcanon:

Emilie brought Adrien up on broadway shows, fairytales, and romances — this would explain why he has an “old fashioned” ideology that “boys save girls�� (S3E3). This would also explain his gentlemanly behavior— like he was literally written/taught his behavior by a princess (he was. Her name is Emilie).

Inspired by musical theatre and the arts, Adrien began to take dance classes, where he meets Chloe Bourgeois — Emilie is to blame for this, and Gabriel would rather him take fencing, but he gives in. Chloe and Adrien become childhood friends through dance and being partnered often is how they became so close. Based on his “breakdancing” moves as Chat Noir, I think it would also be reasonable that he took other forms of dance too, like hiphop.

As Emilie started to get sicker and sicker, his ambitions for dance and the arts faded. He began fencing like his father wanted to and abandoned dancing. He and Chloe still remained close friends — as this was the only friend he was allowed to have. Gabriel knew Chloe’s dad, after all.

Although Emilie was portrayed to be kind, beautiful, and caring, it’s easy to paint memories of a person better than they actually were. Although she was those things, Emilie also was dramatic, hotheaded, and emotional. If Adrien did something wrong, she’d be quick to scold him harshly, but then just as quick to apologize for her outburst. Toward the end of her life, she was also rather absent from Adrien’s life, as she didn’t have much energy to take care of him anymore. It was difficult for her to take care of him as she got more and more sick, and he would often try to be the best little boy he could because he didn’t want to be a burden on top of her sickness. I mean remember, the last 3 years his dad had gotten him a freaking PEN for his birthday. This occurred when Emilie was still alive.

The person who raised him the most was Nathalie — as his mother became weak, and Gabriel became absent

5. Mental health and coping so he isn’t akumatized

Headcanon that to keep himself from being akumatized, Gabriel has him talk to a counselor who prescribes him multiple medications that work a little TOO well. Meaning? Let’s just say that he starts to become numb to feelings and that it’s just another way for his father to control him — His rebellion streak is going to hit hard yo.

Despite these methods, he’s still going to get akumatized — don’t worry, no one is safe.

His mental health illnesses insinuated from the show include depression, ADHD, parasocial confusion, abandonment trauma, social anxiety disorder, attachment disorder/trauma (which leads to lack of boundaries), and to add some spice, probably claustrophobia (or just feeling trapped). This poor boy has so much he needs to shift through and I’m excited to guide him on an arc to healing.

Conclusion

I think Adrien is my favorite character simply because of how there are certain aspects of him that I heavily relate to — plus he’s such a kind soul who has every right to turn into a villain but stays a sunshine golden retriever boy. It takes a lot of strength and determination to go through so much and be good in the end. I can’t wait to write him in this AU and give the boy the healing and happiness he deserves. There’s so much more I could talk about with him, but this is just the beginning!

[nthspecialll]

What do you think the boys would be like as older brothers to little sisters?

Canonly Javier is a very loving older brother, that much is canon as we hear him talk about his sister. He seems to miss her a lot. I believe that he would love to teach a younger sister to fish and other things either he or she might enjoy.

Dutch... I am a little conflicted about, because on one hand Dutch as we know it isn't that attentive to people around him unless he gains from it. However, there might be a special connection if they share blood, we know that he is still in contact with his family, so he might have this sense of glory over it. He would however expect a certian level of class from the sister as she would be an extention of him in both good and bad.

Hosea: Sweet man, absolutely sweet man. With his age the younger sister will likely also be up in the ages, so just watching out for her, helping her where it is needed, take her into town and just hang out.

Charles: If you know Noshir's headcanon for Charles family history... You know it ain't good. Charles is a very loyal man to his family, robbing for his dad despite not liking it and searching for his mother far after she got taken, however it never ended well and then when all strings were loose he went lose as well, killing and murdering. If he had another sister who lived, he might not have gotten so violent, he might not have gotten violent at all. It is the same ponder as "would Jack have gone after Ross had the Marston girl lived," they both did it because they had no one and had lost everything, but if Charles had a sister he would have had someone. So yeah, very sweet and caring, possibly protective.

John: I am a bit conflicted on this as well. Because we see how close Marston is with Abigail and Jack later once he has accepted them, however that love and cares largely also came from him maturing, and in 1899 he is not mature, he is seeking that respect he is too young to gain. He would probably he a bit absent, too focused on his own life and his own achievements.

Arthur: He still has loyality towards his dad despite him possibly not being the best guy and having died so long ago, so his relation to family is strong. You are likely going to see a very protective man, however, he does believe in genderroles, so likely he will be slightly pushing them onto a possible sister. So yes, he will take them out on trips, but it will be "appropriate" ones.

Lenny: He is more driven by revenge than family. His mother isn't dead, she was likely still in his life before Lenny went and killed his fathers killers. I imagine that he would love her, absolutely, but he is doing his own thing. So yes, very sweet with her, but he wouldn't be held back by her.

Sean: He would probably teach her everything he knew about ireland, teach her about their father's history, what happened to him and so on. They have a culture and a history and I imagine he wants her to have that as well, especially since she would have been less around their father than he.

Bill: A little sister might actually have saved him. All he wants is to be appriciated and validated, a sister could have done this and if she does, all the affection that Bill has to Dutch would go to her. He got a taste of it and he wants more.

Micah: Micah is more loyal to values than family, we see how it went with Amos. So he would keep her around to do chores as long as she didn't disagree with him.

[reticent-writer]

Hi Can I Ask for a Scenario of the Hashiras (Apart from Rengoku, Shinbou) With Their Father Figure Discovering They Are Blood Relatives and Being Their Real Father.

Which Was Separated From Them. I'd Love To See Sanemi Discovering That The Monstrous "Father" He Had Isn't The Real One And Obanai Discovering That His "Family" Stole Him From His True Parents And The Fact Of Obanai Discovering He Was Loved By His Real Parents.

They Deserve So Much Love Please.

I've had this picture for a while and been wanting to use it.

An: for fathers figures I go with their occupation from other fics.

Mitsuri's ff is a Baker. Giyuu and Rengoku's is a retired hashira. Shinobu's is a doctor. Obanai, muichirou, sanemi and tengen are people from their past.

demon slayer master list

✿✼:*ﾟ:.｡..｡.:*･ﾟﾟ･**･ﾟﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*ﾟ:*:✼✿　　

Sanemi

When Sanemi was younger you would constantly visit him and his siblings, oftentimes helping his mother with his "father" when he was drunk. Sanemi and his siblings were yours.

You hated seeing how Kyogo would treat your kids, but you vowed not to say a word because Shizu did not want to tell him that they weren't his.

Unfortunately, you weren't there when tragedy struck.

You came clean when everything settled down. Genya was ecstatic but Sanemi was about to beat your ass.

"You let us deal with that asshole for YEARS and said NOTHING!" He screamed as he pounded on your chest.

"I'm so sorry, Your mother swore me to secrecy. I wanted to tell you so bad." You said, catching his wrists as he tried to punch you. You could barely see his frustrated and tear-stained face right before he pushed it into your chest.

This poor 14-year-old boy had lost his mom and siblings but at least now he has a proper father.

"I'm glad your my actual dad." He muttered as his arms fell limp.

"Me too."

Obanai

When Obanai was born he was immediately taken away from you and your wife, who unfortunately just passed from birth complications. Being in the infamous Obanai clan is hell on earth.

They didn't care that he was your son, what mattered to them was that he was the only born blood male of the entire clan.

(ya know when your family thinks that they are entitled to something you own just because they're family) Obanai grew up just thinking you were a father figure who called him son. You were always there for him especially when he was still in the clan's clutches. While he was with the clan you told him many stories, one of which is about your wife and that she was pregnant but had complications and died during labor, but you never said what happened to the baby.

Today you were watching him train, he looked a bit off, like he had something on his mind.

"Hi son, did you eat today?" You ask interrupting his training with bento boxes in hand.

"No."

"Come eat I made lunch." You beckon him over with a wave of your hand and he listened.

He sat next to you and asked, "What happened with your baby?

All you could do was look at him. It just came out of the blue. You were tongue-tied and didn't know what to say.

"My child?"

"Yeah, what happened to him? You never told me you always stopped the story after your wife died." He asked again. You had to tell him eventually, why not now?

"Well, my son was taken from me, but I still got to watch him grow up. Unfortunately, I couldn't save him from getting hurt. A snake demon didn't like his uniqueness and wanted to make him more like her, She had the clan slit his mouth."

Your words marrinated in Iguro's mind as he realized you narrated his childhood.

"I'm sorry I never told you. I was scared of your reaction."

He didn't respond, instead he scooted a little closer and laid his head on your shoulder and started to eat.

It felt like an entirety before he said something, "thank you... For everything."

Giyuu

You were absent for most of his life, he only knew you existed from letters you'd send him and his sister.

He didn't know what you did, where you lived or if you had a second family, so when he met you he didn't think you were his father. More like someone who looked out for him while he took your spot as the water hashira.

He only found out because he went to your house and found a picture of his sister on a offering table in a spare room.

"Hey who's this?" He asked and you walked into the small room.

"My daughter. I wasn't there to save her but my son is an excellent fighter, a hashira."

Giyuu just stared at you. His eyes starting to tear up

"Are you alright?" You tried to comfort him but he backed away and covered his face with his hands.

"I'm fine this room is just dusty."

"Okay." You chuckled and patted his back.

In a blink of an eye and turned to face you and hug you.

If any other Hashira were present they'd certainly tease him.

✿✼:*ﾟ:.｡..｡.:*･ﾟﾟ･**･ﾟﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*ﾟ:*:✼✿　　

[not-goldy]

Speaking as an ex-pjms akgae (and jk anti, yeah), jikookers and jm stans are too hard on jk. I've been absent from stan twt for almost year and came back for jm's album and just stumbled upon ays. Now I see just how damn insane and stupid some of jikookers and pjms are. Some of yall fr think Jimin is a damsel in distress waiting for you to save him and a weakling. Saw so many pjms saying jk is an abusive asshole abusing poor soft gentle weak jm and wanted to throw up. Jm is far from being a damsel in distress. This mf shuts down people who annoy him and piss him off like no business, he cuts them off, he tells them to fuck off in the most diplomatic and nice ways possible but nevertheless shuts them down. I really need to know where some of yall were all this time. 'Omg jk is so abusive and rude, omg he is so cold, omg he is so aggressive' and it's a clip of jk saying jimin is a shit driver too, spanking his ass and being upset that jm didnt call him. Mf??? Yes, jm is gentle, caring and has a huge amazing heart but some of you turn a blind eye on the fact that he tends to be short-tempered and is actually really hard and bossy. People are multi-faceted, multi-dimensional, people can be a combination of nice, glimmer and angelic and some tucked up shit. 'Jk hits jm!!' so does jm??? He plays with jk as rough, if not more rough sometimes. 'Jk is rude and cold' and jm shuts him down??? He metaphorically whoops his ass and calls him out on his behavior?? Jk is not an angel but so is Jm despite how nice and kind he is he can be petty af sometimes. Jk is not easy to handle (as said by himself) but so is jm. Pjms always shit on jk for drinking and doing his drunk lives calling him and alcoholic but then turn around and listen to FACE. They blame jk for singing about sex but then call Like Crazy soty (rightfully tho). Mind you, jm literally sings about escaping the reality by drinking and having sex with his partner (while said partner is concerned as it was in the original lyrics), not to mention Like crazy's choreography with backup dancers doing sex positions. They blame jk for feeding jikookers by talking about jm too much but then ignore that jm does it too. Like, bro pack it up, almost everything you shit on jk and blame him for applies to jm too, and vice versa.

Hop off jm's dick, you are not his mother, stop acting like jimin is a woman, thats a mf man, with a dick and everything, a damn strong headed amazing man!!! He is not a child, not a poor damsel in abusive relationship. A weakling would not survive in an industry like this and jimin thrives there. He is thriving in a mf military. Pajamas, you are not his mother!!! Jimin is not a victim

And for God's sake, hop of jks dick too. The guy can't catch a damn break. No, smoking doesn't mean he is a bad person. My dad smokes, my aunt smokes and I smoke, too, and believe me they are amazing people, the kindest I've ever met. We just need to clear our head and take the anxiety away. Drinking doesn't mean he is a bad person, everybody drinks and jm is the most vocal about it. Singing about sex doesn't mean he is a bad person. Doing explicit chores doesn't mean he is a bad person, jms choreography is more explicit anyway. Promoting your work and wanting recognition doesn't mean he is an asshole, thats his work. Being confident and wanting to be the best doesn't mean he is arrogant, jm is literally the same he's just not that vocal abt it. I swear, whatever jk does and whichever lengths he goes for jm, it's never enough for people. Idk, maybe yall should detach a little bit and look at his actions with unbiased eyes. The man does the most and gets shitted on by everyone, tkkrs blaming him, calling him a liar, a puppet and everything else, jkkrs calling him an asshole for not handling jm like a damsel in distress and for having his own feelings and being upset because of jm, pjms hating him for breathing and living, jjks being passive aggressive and shitting on him for not fulfilling their fantasies and for his bond with jm. Idk, an insane idea, I know, but maybe, just maybe, they both are humans? With their own flows??? They are not your ideas? Not your fic characters? These are real people, with everything good and ugly. Don't project on them your ideals and beliefs just because YOU ☹️🫵 is unsatisfied with your own life and want to treat them like object to satisfy you

Jimin stands on business

Some one sent me an ask saying I used to be obsessed with how feminine Jimin is and asked what changed and I just swiped up on that Ask cos how in the hell in 2024 are we still assuming feminine means Damsel in distress.

Do I love that he has a feminine side to him??

Yes

Do I wish sometimes he has a vagina

Don't judge I'm a lesbian yes.

But there's a type of feminine I like and a type I hate.

This?

Hate her. Will run her over with a bus

This

Eiishh I'll go on my knees for her

This

If you don't get her off my screen.

This

She can paint me like one of her dragons

Speaking of dragons

Now yall know they have me in a chokehold 🥺

When I think of Jimin as feminine I think of all the strong independent badass fems and nonbinary out there.

Would I like to braid his hair and paint our toe nails together sure. I mean I can't throw him over my shoulder and spin him around like Jungkook does.

Me and Jungkook we have a type 🤪

[dramadramallama]

Love Supremacy - brain rot part 1

So I have a problem. I enjoyed the first half of Love for Love's Sake without knowing I would get absolutely bowled over by the second half. I have so much to say holy fuck, I'm all over the place.

Unfortunately for everyone, my brain has been love supremacied, and I'm unable to move on. The show has a high rewatch value. It’s full of details; big, important ones, and small, insignificant ones, but they all add a lot of weight to the story. I need to exorcise my thoughts for my own sake. I guess if I have to intellectualize it somewhat, I really liked the show cause it’s perfectly balanced in terms of structure, and its themes. Judging from the amount of notes I have made on this show on my second watch, it’s safe to say it’s got some substance. It cleverly uses a mise en abyme, “a story within a story (within a story)” to really stack all those layers, and answer an age-old, quite difficult question: “what’s crucial to a happy life?” Dialogues, scenes, characters, and motifs all echo, mirror, and circle back to one another, giving the story enough dimension to avoid banalities.

Simply put, the thesis of the show is surprisingly philosophical, with universal themes. It posits that life is neither fate nor chance, and the answers are in mundane details of life. "Happiness is hidden somewhere in each of our days."

It’s obviously about love; a double love story even. Myung-ha learns to love someone else, and himself too. It's about life, and it's about death, new beginnings, and everything in between. The show made me feel like this, and like this, and like this, and...

▶️1. Mirrors/Symmetry

2. Fate, Free Will, and Happiness

3. Game/Reality

The story structure is very symmetrical. Circular almost. I LOVE IT, I EAT IT UP LIKE A HUNGRY, GRUBBY GOBLIN. Things begin where they end, elements keep repeating themselves like a series of mirrors.

By going through the game, Myung-ha finds himself on the other side of the mirror: he is supposed to find his own happiness, and will to live.

Yeo-woon is introduced to the audience as a sad side character in someone else’s story, victim of his “fate.” He almost perfectly mirrors Myung-ha: his background is eerily similar to his. He was raised by his (recently deceased) grandma, with an absent mother and a dead-beat dad. He’s lonely, unhappy.

When Myung-ha first meets him, Yeo-woon is resolutely standing on top of a building, about to fall or jump, which directly parallels Myung-ha's own suicide. In this new iteration of life, in this “game,” he saves Yeo-woon from hurting himself, which is the start of his own salvation. Saving Yeo-woon, the poor guy who didn’t get his happy ending, is saving himself. Yeo-woon is like a version of him right before he lost control of his life, after his grandma died, and he felt abandoned by all. It’s the core of the game, and the core of the drama, but Myung-ha (and we, the audience) can’t understand it right away.

Several details, in retrospect, show that he is the driving force behind this "game", and that it’s, by lack of a better term, both a test (as in, an exercise, a learning mechanism) and a Test (as in, an exam you don't wanna fail.) Myung-ha’s main, most important mission is to “make Yeo-woon happy.” Which he happily and enthusiastically tackles. He does what we all do: he takes a liking to the character most relatable to him. Time and time again, the way he reacts when presented with someone who struggles the same way he did is very telling.

He provides comfort. The comfort he lacked in his own life. (distant sounds of my heart shattering.)

But Yeo-woon isn’t the only one mirroring elements of Myung-ha’s life. Sang-won is a careless, tough-looking student, who seems slightly directionless. He picks fights easily and has a reputation at school for being “crazy.” He also smokes and rides a motorcycle (both illegal lol). His mom having abandoned Myung-ha, it’s also relevant to note Sang-won doesn’t seem to have a very good relationship with his own mother, and craves her attention. Although, he is your typical badboy, he is overall nice, sensitive, and has good intentions.

Myung-ha himelf appears to have been quite the turbulent student, with his own “mad dog” nickname. He, just like Sang-won, knows a thing or two about school fights, also drives a bike (lmao 100% sure he didn’t wait to have a license to drive though). Although he berates Sang-won for his rebellious side, with the patronizing tone of someone who’s done it all before, he shows genuine care.

Finally, Kyung-hoon. To me, he’s like another facet of Myung-ha’s personality. An absolute sweetheart, without friends, but always ready to help, and open to be befriended. While Myung-ha seems nonchalant about speaking badly of himself, he cannot stand it from others. He makes him his friend on the spot.

Once again, he provides like-minded friends the safe space he probably would have liked as a troubled, most certainly depressed teenager. Of course, it turns out Yeo-woon hates himself the most too (and by extension, dislikes everyone else.) It's the first clue for Myung-ha to realize some self-love might be the answer.

As it will become increasingly clear, Myung-ha has no issues protecting, providing for, and loving others, but fails to realize he should do the same for himself to achieve balance, and maybe, a little bit of happiness. The journey to get there makes him care for someone else the way he should care for himself, love someone else, like he should love himself. 

The last episode does a wonderful job of confirming what seemed to be threaded through the whole show, and explaining very clearly, in no uncertain terms, what it was all about.

However, the interesting aspect of this “mirror world," is that all of them, and Yeo-woon in particular, flip the script, in more ways than one. They all are a reflection of Myung-ha's life, but transcend their condition of “fictional character.” They’re not virtual. Yeo-woon is not made of something unreal, and he’s not a messed up copy of someone else. He has his own needs, desires, and quirks.

I don't think I can name them all here, but one of my favorite circular storytelling moment happens when Yeo-woon parallels Myung-ha by running to "find his fave." That moment in ep 8 counterbalances the one in ep 1.

Nothing is written in stone, and both of them set off to build their own happiness, against fate.

[ovenproofowl]

a lot of people have said it, but I’m throwing in my two cents just to get it off my chest.

Picard season 3 was . Bad . For a LOT of reasons . It felt like - as many before me have expressed - a self-insert fanfic with the dullest self-insert in history.

Jack Crusher wasn’t much of a character but he could have had some promise if they hadn’t spent an aggravating amount of time having him decree how different he always felt, you guys. Did you get that part? He’d always felt different. That sort of dialogue might have flown if we were dealing with Picard’s adolescent son, but instead we’re dealing with a 24 year old played by a 35 year old who looks every bit his age. (It was a hard 24 years, we must assume.)

The reason that Jack Crusher didn’t work for me personally, though, wasn’t because of how cliché his character was. I would have let that pass much easier if it wasn’t for the big ol’ elephant in the room. And that is simply that :

JACK CRUSHER WAS NEVER NECESSARY

Jack may have served a purpose to the storyline that was presented if only because he was the sole reason there was a Big Bad to be defeated in the first place. Everyone wanted to kidnap him, he brought the old gang back together just to protect him and then later save him from said Big Bad which was also actually .. him. Everything Was About Jack. But I’m not talking about the main plot. I Really Don’t Want to Talk About the Main Plot. Ever. What I want to talk about is what Jack represented that made him so unnecessary:

He was intended to represent Jean-Luc Picard’s only reason to start living.

Personally, that really, really offended me. Picard didn’t need to have a biological kid to have a purpose. In fact, it’s been established time and time again that he wasn’t ever really dad material. More of a... weirdly intense uncle. For a while, he wasn’t a fan of kids at all. Eventually, though, Picard is seen to warm to the idea of letting children within his general vicinity. This starts in TNG and continues on in season 1 of Picard. The Only Categorically Good Season of this whole. show.

In season 1, we see flashbacks of Jean-Luc’s relationship with a young Elnor, how he would read him stories and have sword fights with him. He was an absent father to an adopted child he hadn’t even realised he’d adopted and yet Elnor still fought for his hopeless cause. In much the same way, Picard meets Dahj and then later, Soji. He feels a kinship with these androids because of their connection to Data. He wants to protect Soji becase he couldn’t protect Dahj and Soji even canonically questions whether she should allow Picard to act as her father figure before she begins to remember where she came from. Both of these dynamics were infinitely more interesting and a lot deeper rooted. Soji and Elnor were both young twenty-somethings without parental guidance but found that guidance through Picard. Soji had her connection to Jurati, too, and Elnor had his with Seven and Raffi and that’s what made the whole group so intriguing to follow. They all had interesting connections to each other that had so many avenues to explore.

Unfortunately, the show decided to more or less write Soji and Elnor out of the story come season 2. Elnor was killed off for the majority of the season and only brought back by Q intervention in the last episode. Soji wasn’t even a part of the story at all. And do you know what’s sad about that? What’s really sad? Season 2 was trying to sell us the exact same message as season 3. That Picard needed a reason to live. But, like, not that reason. Not the reasons he’d already been given in the form of his found family with his Romulan and android adopted children, or even the rest of the La Sirena crew. No no no, we can’t have that, better get rid of them. This time, Laris is the focal point. Picard had been avoiding a romantic relationship with her because of a never before mentioned dark history surrounding his mother’s suicide. Because, sure, at this point, why not? While we’re at it, let’s also kill off Rios in the most slap-in-the-face out of character way possible and fling Jurati at the Borg for good measure just so she won’t be around for season 3. Her character development into the Borg Queen was pretty intriguing, but we’ll totally ignore that they even exist post her departure, just for funsies. Oh, and Soji and Elnor? Best not mention them at all come that third and final season. Otherwise, people might get the crazy notion that Picard already had a reason not to hunker down and die at the vinyard at the tender age of 104.

Season 3 picks up where season 2 leaves off in that Picard is now in that aforementioned romantic relationship with Laris. Except, no he isn’t because he immediately gets an emergency call from his ex and literally never sees or talks to Laris ever again. There wasn’t even a throw-away line or implied reference to her, but by now I’m sure you know the reason for that.

That’s right, folks. Because if we were allowed to remember Laris and what she meant to Picard, then we might just remember that other thing. Say it with me now!!

JACK CRUSHER WAS NEVER NECESSARY!!

In summary, there were so many brilliant options to give Picard for signficant found family dynamics, but the show just wasn’t interested in any of them. Season 3 wanted a Picard who had given it all up, who was ready to die because he’d never had a family to pass on his legacy. They wanted him at his lowest so that we’d all rejoice to see him return to the TNG crew. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a massive TNG fan and I could rave about the fan service and nostalgia porn for hours on end. If season 3 had stood alone as a singular unconnected event, it might even have been passable as a warm hug from old and beloved characters with some fun new spins to their stories along the way, juust so long as you didn’t squint too hard at the actual attempt at plot writing going on in the background.

But the fact of the matter is, Picard season 3 came far too late into the game. Season 1 held the building blocks to something new and interesting. By the end of season 2, it was becoming clear we were never going to see those blocks stand. By season 3, those blocks were just scattered headstones in a graveyard.

They teased us with the potential new show of Captain Seven and her Number One Raffi Musiker and that might have just been okay. . .

. . .If the La Sirena Crew had been allowed to be a part of that future.

In closing: Picard season 3? Too little, too late, mate. 👎🏻

[wifey-ohara]

Blood Like Fire. Burns The Same Way

Miguel O'hara&teen!Spidey!Reader (gn)

A/n (oh dear god there's many)

Angst/no happy ending, hurt/abso-fucking-lutly no comfort, theres a major absence of them in this fandom

Literally miguel's life falling on the seems and reader steps on it

Grief, lots of that, hospitals/car accident mentioned, dead character(s)mentioned, abandoned family, replaced family, basically cheating, rubbing slat on wounds, pure evil, well deserved tho, major daddy issues,panic attack,quick mentions of reader physically suffering(i made my spider bite to be very very painful) crying,planty of that,crusing(warn me if i should add more)

Reader acts alot like miguel and picked alot from him even without meeting him, manners, intelligence ect.. they also wear reading glasses,but they don't necessary need them seeing as they're a spider

The reader is evil,cold, unfeeling to miguel,they only make it worst , getting their revenge and getting it fast

Shoud be gender natural if i didn't slip (do tell me if i did so i can fix it)

i did proof read this but i haven't slept in more them 24 hours so correct me where i go worng

You're half way through your new book when lyla appeared above the book, catching your attention

"lyla?" you asked the AI, she looked frantic, worried, which made you, in return, worried

She never gets like this, unless it was something serious, mostly about the multi-verse

"y/n! The canon happened! Miguel he's-"

Oh

The "canon" happened

You stooped listening to her and worring about it, expression going blank, eyes falling to book to resume your reading, it was more interesting then his "canon"

Lyla fell silent above up, her figure flinshing back slightly "y-y/n?" she hesitated, something you know she did on purpose

Your eyes snapped up to her, your reading glasses' frame divided your eye sight in half, lifting an eyebrow, you waited for her to continue

"miguel is coming back... " she said, hopeful, yet knowing the reality of the situation

Miguel o'hara , your biological father, left you and your mother on your fifth birthday to go live with another family, raising another daughter claiming that it's the best for the universe.

You lived with your mother for the rest of her days, 11 years to be more exact

She would always praise your father to you, saying how much of a great man he is, and how he's out there leaving his two most beloveds to save this universe

You smiled at her and pretended to believe her, because you know that deep down, she didn't mean a word of it

And you didn't need to reach deep down to know, in fact, all you needed were mere touches on your cyan screen, activate a camera, to see him smiling at a mother that wasn't yours, a family that wasn't his and most of all, a daughter that wasn't you

He left when you were 5,your mother left when you were 16

you were bitten at that age too, sitting on your mother's grave, angry at your mother for leaving, angry at your dad because he doesn't know that she left and most of all angry at yourself for thinking about him in such a moment, that's when it happened, a little pinch at first, you thought nothing of it, but by the time you reached your room, you were crying, kicking and screaming, hell running through your flesh, lyla hovering around trying to offer words of comfort but to no avail

And that's what you call, your "canon" For becoming a spider, suffering alone..(it was actually losing your mother, but hey! Maybe with both being absent you'll have more powers?!)

You weren't put into an orphanage because you were almost 18 with stable income and good grades, one thing you could thank your father over is his pay check and his intelligence,, which you question from time to time if it was your mother's, and she decided to keep it hidden

After alot and of studying the multi-verse (mostly out of spite to prove that miguel didn't actually need to leave, to which he didn't, it was a canon for that girl to lose her father, by him being in the picture the universe he's in will get destroyed when her canon becomes his and he loses her!)

but then again, that lab that only opens to him was proof, of your intelligence, since it's your lab/work place now,, only opens at your command, full of your tools and projects, would he ask for it back? Not that you would give it to him,, it doesn't belong to him anymore, hell, nothing in this house does

By the time you re-surfaced from your dark thoughts you were already washing dinner's dishes, damn, you didn't even enjoy it, you rolled your eyes, as lyla flew around mumbling stuff under her breath, she sounds like fly, you held in your smile

You dried the last plate when you senced it, your face dropped and lyla paused.

He was here

You acted like nothing is happening, wiping the counters, your back facing the entery of which he'd reach a few seconds after unlocking the door

Lyla disappeared, probably not wanting to deal with the tension coming in the shape of traitor with bloody,torn clothes, messy head of hair, red,puffy eyes, and barely standing on his two damn feet

You heard him pause right before reaching the opening that signals the end of foyer and the beginning of the huge living room, dinning room and kitchen tied to it, the only thing separateing them were bits of walls and counters

You can hear his confusion, and damn it was funny, confused why didn't his "true love waits forever" wife come hurring to his side already? the memory of her wishing every night in that hospital that his mission was over and he'll come to her the next morning as you try to fall asleep in her side in that uncomfortable hospital chair ignited your hate for him like gasoline to a fire

He's dragging his feet carefully now, wondering why hasn't his daughter come with her mother yet, standing behind her, leaning on the door pillar, looking up at him like he was a gift sent from the sky, a dream came true, a legend proven real, a hero coming from war

You almost laughed at the idea, if it wasn't for his breath hitching at the sight of you

You were wiping down the stove now, pretending to be blissfully unaware of him, despite all your spider sences screaming at you to turn around, either fight back or swing away, even they knew he was a stranger

The stove and counter were half way through their third wipe down when he finally spoke

".. Hey" a broken, shell of a word

You turned around to face him, acting like you knew he was there, or that he'd been there for ages already, and both were correct, but he wouldn't know that

"hey" you repeated, voice louder but not attacking, monotoned to match you deadpan stare at his redish eyes

He took a sharp breath, the lack of reaction having caught him off guard, ego reversing itself back into a tiny black dot

You looked him up and down, features like an ironed shut book to him, good.

"um.. Do you know who i am? " he asked, confused, does he think you were not his?

You almost huffed out a laugh before swallowing it down by "Miguel O'hara?" it was worded like a question, toned like a state of the obvious, he almost folded in on himself, seemingly smaller, somehow..

"yes but what else? "

You snapped

He dares ask what else, as if he ever played any else it your life

Traitor, lier, cheater-

"-my sperm donor" you said, an extended hand, to give him a slap on the face

His eyes widen with horor

"where- where is your mother! " he was the one to snap, sharp yet weak, and you could almost see him yelling, blaming your mother "i leave to save this whole universe and what do you do??? Tell them I'm their sperm donor?!? You felt nothing towards me or my honor to tell them anything else!... You never really loved me huh?"

So you kept staring

" where is your mother? " words more confident this time, more angry

You swallow the knot in your stomach that brings tears to your eyes

It was now or never, break him or make him, and you're not a maker

"she was my canon event" you said, and you hoped that the hallowness of your voice did a good job in hiding the sadness that came with it

It takes him a moment,, then two, until he looks genuinely terrified, red-eyes becoming glossy, quickened breath turns into pants and little dry sobs, legs finally buckling down, arm reach to the nearest surface to insure a safe(r) landing, other hand reaching for his throat, tearing what's left of that blue and red suit of his, it was almost comical how it happned

Little pants turned into heaving "h-how-why-y.. What-" the rest you couldn't make out even of you tried

"car accident, last year, stayed three weeks in the hospital after they told us that even if she survives she'll suffer, do they pulled out the plug, by her call " you let the high walls get even higher because no way you are crying in front of this unfeeling man, no matter how much emotions are currently being on full blast in front of you right now

More heaving in hopes of enough oxygen to enter his lungs and calm his storm of thoughts

"the last weekshe stayed alive waiting for you, she was almost certain that you'll come see a last time" you didn't usually like rubbing slat in open wounds, but his look like a delicious meal for you

And there it was- that heart-crushing sob,that sounds like chocking and feels like it too, that always come with more tears then you know what to do with, as he leaned on the wall hands on his face,plams pressing into his eye sockets,,tears somehow still a stream down his face,despite the un-humanly possible pressure he's using..

For the first time since he entered, you took a step, out of the kitchen, then another, until you were in front of him...

He stilled a bit by your closer presence, and you resisted urge to laugh at him, he really thinks you're gonna be here for him? after everything? What a fool

You inhaled, his scent ten times in your lungs, well more of a mixture of salt, ash, dust, blood, sweat and if you focus enough a, colone

"your room is the same as always, bedding is the closet,clothing is as well , there is some leftovers in the fridge, do. Not. try and open any other room, they're not yours anymore" and with that you sealed you lips again

If he stilled before, now he froze, all tense

You stood back up, turned around and started walking to your lab

"lyla" you requested, the lighting figure appear within rhe second, face scrunched up and worried "yes y/n?"

"do help him if he asks, I'm done here" you almost added if asks nicely lyla turned to see that horrific sight, with a gasp, she turned towards you, but was cut off by his , repeated, quick, wet, inhales that only come with a scream as hurtful as death itself, been there, done that,

Before he reaches a range to let out a scream, you closed the lab's door and the sound proof walls done their job, having some homework to do and projects to work on.

Blocking a horrible, terrible, scream and grief and regret, tainted not by one, but four sets of blood, one still so warm and running down his skin as you breath when you closed the distance between you two, to throw ice at his boiling oil...

This took me almost 4 hours,short for my liking tbh

I think imma add a few more parts to this, to fully fefill the title's meaning, not sure tho, what yall think?

[stevesbipanic]

Billy was not racist. He was trying to protect Max and Lucas both from his father, who would have harmed both of them plus Billy if he knew they were even hanging out let alone romantically involved. Billy was a victim of abuse at the hands of his father, and his mother abandoned him to his father despite knowing what cruelties he would suffer just to save her own ass. Was Billy an asshole? Yes. Was the shitty way he treated people especially Max okay? No, never. Nothing excuses it. But you try living with the sorts of abuses his father heaped on him, and on his mother before she left, and the abuses he would have been heaping on Max's mom too. I have zero doubt that Billy's father r-worded both Billy's mom and later Max's mom because "wifely duties" or some other misogynistic garbage. Billy would have overheard the sounds from it pretty much any time it happened while he was home. You try living with all that and see how YOU turn out. Billy did deserve a redemption arc. He got one of a sort when he sacrificed himself despite "the mindflayer's" control over him, all to save El, Max, Max's mom, and even people he hated. Because he knew what "the mindflayer" had planned. Did you not see Billy's tears when "the mindflayer" was speaking through him? Did you not notice Billy told Karen to stay away from him rather than give in to "the mindflayer" and kill her? Did you not notice Billy flat out lied to his father when his father demanded to know where Max had run off to? There's no way Billy didn't have some kind of clue where to find her. But he lied to his father, to shield her and to shield Lucas, from whatever harm would absolutely have come to them at the hands of Neil Hargrove. Billy is not the embodiment of evil you clearly think he is.

Did Billy somewhat sometimes care about his stepsister? Yes. Did he get abused by his dad? Also yes. These facts don't excuse him from his actions in both seasons 2 and 3.

In our early meetings of Billy he highly threatens to run over the party while they're on their bikes. A normal same human being wouldn't do that. He also beat Steve to the point the kids thought he might be dead. He continued beating Steve even once Steve had been thoroughly knocked out, and likely would've killed Steve if Max hadn't knocked him out.

Also YES HE WAS RACIST WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???? Did you know that Billy's line "certain type of people" in regards to Lucas, was originally a black slur? He was a racist character picking up the trait from yes his abusive dad. Just because his dad was abusive doesn't mean Billy didn't become racist because of his upbringing with him.

You can definitely say that line is to protect Max from abuse from her stepdad if he found out she was talking to a black boy. But it certainly wasn't protecting Lucas, billy couldn't care less about Lucas' safety (SEE TRYING TO RUN HIM OFF THE ROAD).

His character was written to be a bad person, accept this. Characters aren't always written to have redemption arcs or all be good people. He was a racist bully from the 80s with an abusive dad. Just because you think he's hot doesn't change these facts.

Also, abuse doesn't inherently make your character grow up to be a bully. Lonnie Byers is heavily written as an abusive father, even going so far as it was suggested he killed Will in season 1. But neither of the Byers grow up to be bullies. Eleven is brought up in an abusive environment and moves past these traits. Steve's parents are seen as hard on him and in some ways absent and neglectful and besides Jonathan we never see him fight anyone that wasn't for protection.

Billy is the only older character that shows complete disregard for the kids safety. And him dying in st3 doesn't forgive these actions nor rewrite his racist abusive character.

You're allowed to hate characters that are written to be the bad guys. No one attacks anyone for hating Dr Brenner because he's the villain. Many people including myself didn't like Steve in season 1 because he was written to be the popular asshole. Characters are written certain ways for reasons. So go enjoy your self insert fanfiction where you really just want Billy to be a hot ooc. But for the rest of us it's totally fair to hate on one of the villains of the series.

[beevean]

What's your opinion of Juste from Nocturne?

For me, I abhorrently hated the way Juste was treated in Nocturne. As I've played Harmony of Dissonance, I had a soft spot for him as a character and it was no joke when he was known as the "most powerful magician of the Belmont clan" when playing as him.

Juste could've been a mentor to Richter as a promising vampire hunter, a close familial connection to depend on after the loss of his mother, his teacher to the art of magic, anything that could've made his character and/or inclusion much more meaningful and significant. As an aspiring writer, the amount of absurd creative decisions the showrunners are making on the fly just physically hurts me.

In my rewrite of Nocturne, I've decided to do just that for Juste, making him an important figure in Richter's life while also being a major player in this new storyline. The reason for why he was absent most of the time is due to his vast responsibilities as a veteran hunter battling vampires across Europe, not because he's a deadbeat or something.

Juste is my second favorite Belmont. I love his energy and attitude, how determined he is to help his friends, how he values them and their bond (you save Maxim by wearing friendship bracelets! that's just adorable lol), of course his weird passion for furniture because my man is going to redecorate a room in a castle that will collapse in a few hours out of principle dammit, but also how he has a tendency to deny issues because he is too busy fitting himself in the mold of "hero", shown in the best ending where he forbids Maxim from revealing the truth to Lydie. The worst ending is also gutwrenching, as he has technically accomplished his duty as a vampire hunter, but utterly failed as a friend - and now, the rest of his life is uncertain. His theme is called "Successor of Fate" for a reason: the legacy is starting to crack, ever so slowly.

I fucking hated how the show treated this interesting concept.

First of all, screw you for saying that Maxim died to a random ass vampire. Sit down and play Maxim Mode. My ninja boy is OP as all hell.

More importantly, what do you mean, that losing his wife and best friend would lead him to become a deadbeat dad and grandpa? What do you mean he'd abandon them rather than double down on protecting them like the Juste I know would do? What do you mean he's just Trevor 2.0??????

That's the thing! He's Trevor all over again! A cynical asshole who doesn't believe in the heroic cause anymore, ripe to be mocked by those meant to be closest to him - I have nothing against show Richter but man he's such an asshole to his own granddad even though they have lost the same person! Eh, guess he has learned from his bae :V but yeah, this is boring! I have already seen a Belmont who gave up on life due to trauma and getting treated like shit for it! Try something else!

(I also twitched when he said that he's such a powerful magician that he doesn't even need the whip. From any other show, it could have been a clever reference to how insanely strong his magic is in HoD. From this show who hates the Belmonts with a burning passion, it's just another way to devalue their legacy.)

But yeah, after that Juste in S1 is completely useless. You'd think that he'd be the one who'd help Richter regaining his magic, but nooooooo he gets tied down like a chump by two generic vampires and Richter reminesces about the woman who insulted him and mocked him for his lack of magic and that does the trick! Basically Juste exists only as a warning for Richter to not become like that, and it's just... disrespectful. Not Hector's levels of pure malicious spite, but still an insult to the character.

I have no hopes for Juste in S2, now that Alucard is back to be the true protagonist. Also his beard ugly af.

[web-kindle]

!MASSIVE FOOLIVERSE RAMBLE! Read at your own peril!

Congratulations Erik! 🎊🥳🎊

You have successfully made me care more about the Fooliverse than ANY canon storyline you've currently got going on rn (Except for Hush and Vega, I'm still very invested in that). Forget the Balance, forget Sovereign State, forget the currently kinda stagnant DAMN storyline, I need more Fooliverse Lore! (Note: mildly hyperbolic, I do want Erik to push major storylines, but with the new schedule they're gonna take ages)

Like each character we've gotten so far have been so fun, but with them comes so many questions about the universe around them. For example (this is your final chance to escape, its a long one):

What's the rest of the DAMN crew like? Are they all complete opposites of their canon counterparts, and if not what stays the same. Gavin although quiet and submissive, still very much enjoys sex and partaking in it when he wants like in canon. So what about the others? Is Huxley less friendly in this AU, is he rude or just an actual loner that gave up on making real friends? Is he smarter or still a bit goofy? What about Lasko and Damien, what are their differences? Is Damien a member of staff or is Lasko a really extroverted student? Where's Kody in all this? Is he still a mild extremist or is he actually a cool dude? Maybe he's a jock unlike Huxley??? Like I'M SO INVESTED!

What's going on with the rest of the Rebaine Clan? Where was Marie when Milo's dad drunk himself to death and Milo got lost in the system? Was she an absent mother or was she just not related to Milo at all? Is she in the Rebaine Clan or is she the Queen of a Clan of her own? Where. Are. The Solaires?!?! I have to know if Vincent is still a human who survived The Surge and is just living life, or never got on in the first place. Did he ever meet Lovely, did he die on The Surge and not get saved? Was he born a Vamp, turned by William still, or someone else? Is William a minor Duke or something or still a King but not as important? What about being one of those High Council Vamps Milo mentioned? Is he even around? We know Porter is, like did Demetri save him, get Porter indebted to him, or was Porter born a Vamp and just joined the Clan??? And how close is the Clans relationship with the Talbot Pack. Like yeah their friends of the Clan, but to the same level as in canon, or more? Or less? We know Asher is more serious in this AU being the Alpha, so what's his relationship with Milo??? Are they close friends, or reluctant allies on a personal level? IS MILO STILL SHORT?!?! These are the questions we need answered

James we know is a stoner and that he doesn't see himself as a good person. Is he still part of ETS, doing stuff that doesn't sit well with him to the point he smokes to get away? Does he even have a job currently? Why does he feel like he's not a good/kind person? What did he do? Maybe it's just his personality this AU... But if James isn't part of ETS and Anton is in the Pack, who's running Project Meridian? Is the project even needed, cause if the Miridian is OK in this AU, maybe the company that would do it is just sticking to normal science projects (whatever that means). Where's Marcus in all this, is he still a weirdo, but in a different font? Maybe he's just a dude too, living life, or maybe Asset is just a person and they actual love Marcus and they live together with no issues... GOD this is so unfair that I don't know 😫

And more on Anton, we know he is a member of the Talbot Pack. It's cute he's so fun and carefree, not wondering when he'll see his Love again. He's flourishing in the Talbot Pack! I'm guessing he's just an ordinary member, but is he part of security (if the Pack still does that) or does he do his own thing. Maybe he's a stay-at-home partner, I wonder if he's still responsible somewhat to maintain the house easily or if he's completely a menace on that front.

What. Happened. To. Guy??? Cause why's my Guy so depressed? Is he still sharing an apartment with Mikayla, but Honey isn't there, so its sapping him of all his happiness? Did he confess but Honey was like "nah" and he's completely defeated in life. Maybe Guy tried to do more with his writing degree but it's not working out and him delivering pizza on the size is really knocking his motivation? What if he's just like that and things are a-ok overall. Maybe he barely reacted to Anton' wolf for cause he knows about magic (accidently or not) and is completely disillusioned about life cause "why are things still shit if magic exists" so he just doesn't care??? You can't leave me hanging like this Erik!!!

More on the Pack, DAVID IS OPENLY CALLED DAVEY! First, that's so fucking cute as hell, but I gotta know is it an inside joke, did Angel push for this, or maybe is naturally evolved and David doesn't mind anyone calling him that. Curious to see which one it is. We at least know based on his personality he's not highly likely to hate on it. Secondly, HIS DAD'S ALIVE (and seems to call his son for tech help lol). That's so sweet! ☺️ Shows how different he would be with his dad still around. And finally, damn he's such a sweetheart, and Angel is still a menace but a grumpy one instead. Its hot how he wants them to take the lead, begs for it even.

Overall love how cute he is in this, makes me question what his dynamic would be interacting with Milo in this universe. In fact, I wanna see more of his and Asher's best friend relationship in this AU. With their personalities, I feel like it would be really chill. Anyway, who is the Beta? It's not Davey and it doesn't seem to be Anton, so who is it? Maybe, it actually is Darlin like some people have been theorising. (Oh god Where's Sam in all this???) Or maybe Christian, which also makes me guess what the dynamic between him and Asher is like. Maybe it's not so different to his canon interactions with Alpha David.

And a side note, Alpha Asher just can't catch a break, it's like being the Alpha of this Pack curses you to be gruff and broody no matter what universe it happens in. At least no one close to him has actually died or something like in The Imperium. Unless if one or both of his parents died for him to become a grumpy Alpha!!! Who knows, its up for headcannon to decide. Mildly bummed out that we don't get a full vid or even an Asher cameo in this AU. A few references on his seemingly responsible lifestyle and kinda gruff character by other people is not enough. GIVE ME MORE OF THE FOOLIVERSE PUPPY!!! (Respectfully)

If you got to the end I sincerely apologise, you shouldn't have done that, but know you know the thoughts that have plagued my brain about this AU. Whilst there were some lighthearted demands in there just know they were all made in good faith and is just an indicator of how much I've enjoyed this AU. Its honestly been so fun and I hope it gets a comeback in some way.

Now it's time to bet on who the BAs gonna be about next month!

[kyliekat2019]

Benny Weir Pianist Headcannons

Okay, so, l've seen a couple theories and HCs on Benny's whole missing mother and absent father situation and the one I'm going with is inspired by the idea that his mom died when he was young and dad kind of couldn’t handle it so he just dropped him off with Evelyn and only talks to Benny every once in a while. I’ll try to find the people that originally had this idea.

However, I stumbled upon this video of Atticus playing the piano the other day and fell in love with the melody (pretty sure it was an impromptu cover of Victor’s piano solo from The Corpse Bride, but since it came out 12 years ago, I can’t find an elongated cover of it that old that he could have been playing. He’s obviously trying to remember something at the start, and this is the closest thing I can find). And he also just loses himself in the music after he settles into it and that struck something writhing my little former choir kid heart (but seriously, I played this on loop while writing this HC and then to fall asleep. 9/10 would recommend).

Anyway, here's my sad backstory pianist Benny HC. Also, I never learned piano, just four years of varsity choir in high school and a single awful semester in college, so be gentle if some of the terminology is incorrect. Enjoy!

His mother was a concert pianist and some of his most clear memories of her are of watching her play at the old piano in his childhood house and losing herself in the symphonies she produced. It felt like watching someone pour their soul into the world.

She died when he was 4 and he went to live with Grandma Weir a few months later.

Eliana Vyette (tis what I’ve decided to name Benny’s mom. Take it up with my 3 am self if you’ve got any qualms. She’ll be answering questions between 12:02 and 12:04 in the morning) almost never wrote down her performance pieces or played them for an audience multiple times over the course of her career. Or, at least, she didn’t write them down in any decipherable way (think how alchemists used to encode their recipe’s in ciphers, but make it sheet music). And there’s not a lot of publicly available recordings (either video or audio) of her performances. So, like 87% of her catalogue is lost (if people did some deep digging, they could find copies in their parent’s CD collections, that one dusty camcorder that struggles to turn on, the corrupted hard drive on their older cousin’s 2002 Toshiba laptop).

Benny, however, has everything his Aunt Sassy (yes, she’s canon, she was mentioned in the movie and he says her name too easily for him to be pulling her completely out of thin air), Dad, and Grandma saved. Sheet music and recordings (let’s say he’s got maybe 65%. Not everything, but better than nothing. It’s in varying qualities though).

So, when he was old enough, six and three months, he asked Evelyn if he could take piano lessons and she didn’t even hesitate in saying yes. Because, let’s be honest, the Grand Piano sitting in storage needs to be brought out of retirement and this little boy needs something to connect with his mom and maybe bring him out of his shell (he befriends Ethan a few months later on the first day of Grade 2)

But, this is the one thing he has to connect with his mother, replicating her concerto melodies as best as possible. So, nobody but his piano teacher and his grandma know that he has even touched the instrument. Much less that he’s actually really proficient, a bit of a prodigy. But he doesn’t want to be what his mother was. This is for him and him alone. He plays for himself and no one else. So, Ethan, his best friend, thinks there’s not a musical bone in his lanky body, especially after his especially robotic drum performance in the Freshman talent show (gonna be real, after learning that Atticus Mitchell played the drums around the time of filming IRL and was the drummer in a band with his older brother, I was a bit shocked at how static he portrayed Benny’s drumming. And then I went and remembered he was in Radio Rebel, and was the lead singer of the pop-punk band. He’s obviously faking playing the bass, but he’s credited with the vocals for all three songs on Genius so 🤷‍♀️)

So, there’s the gist. I’ve got two more parts. The first of which is underdeveloped with Benny and Erica being in Music Theory and the teacher pulling up one of the recovered Vyette performances, unknowing her son is in the room. The second is when a romantic OC discovers Benny playing for the first time and then everything that comes afterwards in the timeline of him playing around and for her (I’ve got the sweetest idea for a first dance!). Literally only Erica ever susses it out and it’s because she was in that class with him.

I’ll come back and edit this with formatting later when it’s not 3 am.

[bardicious]

Okay, I kinda wanna write something on the Carol/Jim factor of the latest episode.

Jim flirts. Jim flirts with everyone, theoretically. La'an, Uhura, Una, Spock. It's how he communicates friendliness and I really wager he just doesn't know the way he stares at people can be considered flirtatious either. He just genuinely finds them appealing, and fascinating. So... no this isn't him practicing infidelity, even if he were on with Carol at the moment.

Much like with Chapel, people do NOT give Carol any credit. She's a strong, professionally inclined woman, much like La'an. And Jim specifically tells La'an that her and Carol would get along. I'm willing to wager, like adults, both Jim and Carol have discussed what they're okay with in a relationship.

As for little baby David. Carol, what? Just got pregnant? Both of them know about it. They have ample time to stop the pregnancy if they so wish it. Which is not only fine in our day and age, but likely even simpler in the future. So they had to have discussed the baby, before she came to term.

Jim and Carol decided beforehand that Carol was going to keep David. Carol wanted to keep him. Jim having very little to say on the matter, except his approval (or disapproval?), because he still loves her, but knows they were never gonna stick together and so does she. Maybe he also wanted David to be born anyway, be raised by an amazing woman, become someone who was his own person, and Jim could love him from afar, but that's it.

Dead beat!dad simply isn't in the cards for him. And even if he was allowed to see David just a few times, all because he's not the majority of the time doesn't mean he's a bad dad. It just makes him absent. Perhaps not much of a relationship, but, hell, he didn't have much of one with his own father, and you know what? From his perspective, him and Sam came out just fine.

Now just a brief look at good ole Sam! Sam has work! Sam has a job! He's on the flagship! The enterprise, herself! He's most definitely discussed his career with his wife! Whether his wife or his children bear issue with his choice is another matter. We simply don't know unless we see them. Why demonize Sam for literally being on the ship that saves lives? The ship where any moment you can die?

Literally what is up with people encouraging unhealthy relationship dynamics?

Chapel shouldn't have to give up her career progress for Spock, Spock would never give up his career for anyone and he finds the only person he can love later (Jim) will sacrifice himself for the job as well. Chris and Batel in constant argument and miscommunication, Chapel and Spock too. And rightly so, because neither are communicating properly. Well, I'll wager that Jim and Carol did actually communicate. Because we know they can. We know both their characters!

This isn't to say David doesn't have another opinion. Neither his mother or father really thought properly of his emotional reaction to not having Jim in his life. But that's another matter, not easy to predict, likely the two did not think ahead that far. They're both fallible humans, who've saved countless peoples lives.

[artiststarme]

The Up and Downs in the Life of Eddie Munson

The other one didn't seem angsty enough and I am in a mood. Grab your tissues, my friends!

~*~*~*~

Eddie knew he was never going to amount to anything, Munsons never did. For him especially though, it wasn’t written in the stars that his life would be for naught. The universe and fate were against him from the get-go. His life was on a downward slope since the day he was born. 

On that one freezing night in December, Mary Munson was rushed to the emergency room to deliver a premature baby boy. After four hours of excruciating labor, a C-section was performed and baby Edward Munson was born (he would later joke that he’d never been in a vagina a single moment of his life). He had to stay in the NICU for weeks until his preemie lungs were strong enough to handle the cold of the Indiananian winter. Less than a month old and Eddie was already the biggest burden to his parents. Old Richie Munson had to find extra work to pay off the extensive medical bills and he took it out on his wife. 

Poor Mary struggled on her own to take care of Eddie. He was a colicky baby so when he did go home from the hospital, he kept his mom up all day and night with wailing cries. She had no choice but to turn to drugs to escape the torments of being a young mother with a raucous baby and an absent husband. He was only seven years old when he found her body in the kitchen. She’d done heroin that was laced with fentanyl and her abused heart never stood a chance. 

When he was eleven, his dad got arrested for assault with a deadly weapon and armed burglary. He’d been trying to put food on the table for Eddie after losing his job and had gotten too sloppy through desperation. When the nasally and overworked social worker dragged him away from his dad in the visitation room, he thought he was going to be placed in foster care. Instead, his bald-headed and knobby-kneed self was plopped onto the trailer porch of his dad’s estranged brother. 

The man introduced himself as Uncle Wayne and he might have been the best thing to happen to Eddie. He didn’t hit him when he got frustrated like Eddie’s dad did. He didn’t turn to drugs and alcohol when he threw a tantrum like his mom had. Instead, Uncle Wayne was patient. He didn’t get mad at him when Eddie flinched away at physical touch or when he didn’t talk for the first six months of moving to Hawkins. No, Wayne earned his trust and looked out for him from the very first moment he laid eyes on him. He was a good guy and an even better uncle. 

That’s why it hurt so much to leave a dead girl in his trailer for him to find when he got off shift. Over Spring Break, his potential that was steadily declining rapidly accelerated. He went from being the weird, gay, metalhead teenage loser that no one liked to the serial killer of three fellow high school students that couldn’t graduate and led a cult in his free time. He ran away from the murder of a girl that had been nice to him and started getting hunted by the Hawkins townsfolk in a ridiculously uncoordinated witch hunt. He almost certainly wasn’t going to graduate this year, not from the inside of a prison cell because that’s where he was headed. 

And all of that doesn’t even mention the demon from another dimension that chose to paint Eddie as a scapegoat. ‘86 really wasn’t his year. 

Nothing has ever gone right for Eddie in his life and he knew it never would. So when he saw an opportunity to save his young friend and the rest of the world, he jumped on it. He couldn’t protect Henderson from inside the trailer with the bats prying themselves through the vents. He had to go out and fight them. Eddie knew as soon as he saw the swarm that that was how his life would end. If Steve Harrington, god among men, couldn’t hold his own against them, what chance did he have? Like an answer to his own prediction, the bats attacked. They tore through his chest and ripped his skin as if it were paper. The blood that gushed from his wounds bathed Eddie in warmth quickly followed by an empty numbness. When all of the bats fell from the sky, Eddie had the brief thought that just like all of his other suffering, his death would be for nothing too. 

The next moments passed in a haze, his body was going into shock. Dustin cried and begged him to get up. Harrington pulled him into his arms and sprinted for the gate. The girls yelled in the background of it all. And Eddie slipped away from the world that had only ever looked down on him.

He awoke in a drab white hospital room. His body felt heavy but he could move and he could feel his heart beating, his lungs breathing. Eddie was confused as all hell but he was alive. When he looked to his right, he saw Steve Harrington lounging in the uncomfortable hospital chair, head tilted unnaturally with drool dripping from one side of his mouth. For the first time in Eddie’s entire life, things started to look up.

@doubleb11 @nburkhardt @zerokrox-blog @newtstabber @i-less-than-three-you @carlyv @pyrohonk @straight4joekeery @trippypancakes

[idyllic-affections]

DON'T.... BECAUSE KAVEH'S YOUNGER!SIBLING BEING ANGRY IN THEIR STEAD.. im so sorry for swarming ur inbox but ydbihsjakdas

i could just IMAGINE their arguments about it

"she's our MOTHER, you don't disrespect her like that!"

"yeah, but she ABANDONED us!"

"she didn't abandon us-"

"YES SHE DID! she ran away and left us here, in sumeru, because she was hurting. i know."

"she deserves to be happy-"

"but what about us? what about me? what about you? she sounds SO much happier with our step siblings, and she doesn't even visit us! you can't keep defending her!

you can love her all you want, i don't care. you say she's our mother, but she's been absent ever since dad died."

"you have to understand-"

"I DO UNDERSTAND! and you took care of her when she was sad. you took care of me because she was sad. you were a child too, and you were more of a mother to me than her!"

"don't say that-"

"just because she's my mom doesn't mean i have to like her!"

kinda projected here but good god this makes me wanna explode. i like to think kaveh's younder!sibling has been going through that "rebellious teen phase", but it's not a phase, it's just how they are after growing up with a pretty absent mom and dead dad. they see how much their brother suffer, they 100% wanna help him, but they're going through it too yk??

imagine how frustrating it is for them whenever kaveh talks about their mom and he always says nice things about her but they could see the sheer bitterness, guilt, and melancholy in his eyes. they can't help but hate her for not being there for them (i like to think they're maybe an infant or very very young when it happened) n making their big bro, their parental figure, go through this horrible mess.

n they just kinda grew up with that hate w/o telling kaveh bc they didn't wanna add into his plate of problems. but the hate slowly manifested with other stuff until they went from 'not wanting to cause trouble for kaveh' to 'i cause trouble because i can't control myself and i need to release my anger on something else'

so ya i think kaveh's younger!sibling would be temperamental n people see them kinda like a bully, opposite of kaveh :( even if kaveh raised them kindly, i think reader's hatred to their mom saved them from copying kaveh's self destructiveness...

which caused kinda of a strain in their relationship when reader became a teen

(on the flip side for some reason i think reader would get along with alhaitham more (which would hurt kaveh tbh) bc alhaitham's mentality clashes so much against kaveh's n it's probably what reader needs more... they probably preferred alhaitham's "you're allowed to get angry at things you felt was unfair, even if she's your mother" than kaveh's "she still loves us... she just- she just needed to move on to be happy. she deserves it.")

sorry i kinda developed a whole reader here and maybe this is incoherent blabbering im gonna hide now >q< feel free to ignore !!

NOOOOO NO DON'T HIDE I AM HEARING YOU OUT SOO MUCH RN WE ARE ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH

ohhh the strain that would come as a consequence of that rage and pain... sigh. parentified kaveh is so real, honestly, because with how bad faranak's mental health became, she definitely would not have been able to raise her youngest child. kaveh would be the one to raise them. kaveh would be the one they ran to when they scraped their knee. kaveh would be the one to kiss away their tears. kaveh would be the one to help them with homework and little things like that.

it would always be kaveh.

(and i think faranak would be painfully aware of the way they no longer come to her for comfort and consolation, but i don't think she would be able to feel bad about it until years later, because she's already so... fucked up. she would just be glad that someone was nurturing her child, even if that had to be kaveh.)

i think [name]'s anger would be a good and important testament to how well kaveh really raised them, though.

(but of course, it would also prove dangerous and self-destructive which i mention a bit further down in the post!!)

one who values themselves is one who feels angry when mistreated.

and [name] is fucking livid, for both themselves and kaveh. [name] is aware of faranak's neglect. because kaveh taught them to love themselves more than he could ever even hope to love himself. kaveh raised them well, even if that responsibility never should have been his in the first place.

so it honestly hurts them both when they fight like that.

"don't you dare disrespect her, [name]. you have no idea what she did for us." "what she did for us?! what the hell-- kaveh, she left us for some random fucking guy neither of us have ever met! how can you not see what's wrong with that?!" "do not talk about her like that. she did her best. doesn't she deserve to be happy, [name]? doesn't she?!" "oh," they'd scoff, "so 'her best' is abandoning her kids, parentifying her oldest son, and running from her past like a fucking coward?" they would roll their eyes and turn away at that point. "no, kaveh. she doesn't. neither of us are, so why does she deserve to be happy?" they'd then leave.

and consider this dialogue somewhere in there:

"she isn't my mother. she didn't raise me. you can like and defend that woman all you want, but she never was and never will be my mother."

they care so much about what kaveh went through for them. they are so painfully aware of the sacrifices he made to raise them. you know how parentified oldest siblings are usually the only ones aware of the abuse and neglect, whereas the younger siblings they raised think their parent is an angel who did no wrong? it's the opposite here.

and [name] getting along better with alhaitham in their teens... you are so right. they would.

i can imagine them fighting like this in alhaitham's home, and when [name] finally gets pissed off enough that they just leave to cool down, kaveh also retreats and stays in his room for a bit. but a few minutes later, when he comes back out, alhaitham is gone.

he left after [name], because a pissed off teen out wandering alone in sumeru and possibly sumeru's wilderness is unsafe.

(i feel like [name]'s anger could translate into ambition. hmm. pyro vision [name], maybe?)

kaveh knows they get along better with alhaitham nowadays, and i think it hurts him so much. but... he also does want what is best for them, and maybe. just maybe he is not best for them anymore.

(little does he know, they cry a lot to his roommate about just... wanting their brother. but not being able to open up to him like they used to because he'll only keep making excuses for their mother. and he'll only keep hurting himself in the process. and they don't want to see him destroy himself.)

alhaitham would validate their feelings more than kaveh would. he believes they should be pissed. he's not good with tears and feelings in general, but he is rather decent when it matters. and it very much matters when it comes to kaveh's mentally and emotionally wounded younger sibling.

i think alhaitham is better for them at this point in their life. and, you know, i feel like... in a way, he could help them learn to be less destructive. because also i feel like [name] is self-destructive in their own way, too. they get pissed and push away the people they love (aka kaveh). and they're hurting themselves in the process, but it's in a less obvious way than how kaveh is hurting himself (all the overworking, constantly doing everything for everyone, etc etc).

alhaitham is so blunt and straightforward and it would be refreshing compared to the mental gymnastics kaveh does to justify what faranak has done. and honestly, the factual truth is that [name] is allowed to be angry. alhaitham knows that and he's very clear about it.

and hear me out--

[name] enrolling in the akademiya, but instead of the expected darshan (kshahrewar or something similar)... they enroll in haravatat. just a thought.

they're probably just kind of mean in general compared to their brother, and i think that comes as a surprise to a lot of people, but i mean... who can blame them?

they need to go to family therapy HELSPDKDHSKGA

[freshlyrage]

Running Like Water

Chapter 7 Andrea's Chapter

whats playing: Saving All My Love for You by Whitney Houston

pairing: Javier Peña x OFC (written as xReader)

fic warnings: Explicit Smut (18+ MDNI) language, strained family relationships, mentions of drug abuse, discussions of insecurities and body image issues, daddy and mommy issues

fic tags: Best friends younger sister, Life-long crush, Friends to lovers, Unrequited love, slow burn, Push and Pull, Small Town Dynamics, Secret Relationships, latina MC, Fluff and Angst, OFC!Jessica Alba face claim, sorry Lorraine I'm bringing you into this, Time jumps, 2 year age gap, pre-canon

word count: 5.3k

Lucas. A name that was shoved in your face at age 6 and circled like a shark around a bloodied victim. Lucas, Lucas, Lucas. No last name, your mom wasn't sure but she says “she loved him like no other. And prior to 1977, you had nothing to think of but Lucas. The mysterious almost nameless man that your mom says was your druggie daddy. Before 1977 your life was dull-and not just because you were a little kid-no it wasn't that.

Your mom, Melissa, well she never was truly connected with you in the way she is with your brother.

The odds were against you, first born, boy, and had a dad, absent, but at least he didn't break your moms heart with an addiction to heroin-or was it coke?

When you were little your mother did tell you that your dad actually held you, and wanted to be a dad-your dad. "Perfect angel", were the first words he cried when he got to hold your premature body when you were born. You were a few months early so by the time you were out of the Nicu, your mom gathered you up-and moved away from Lucas. 

  It was your first abandonment, you wept about it-maybe your mom told you at too young of an age because there were moments where your little body couldn't handle the concept and you'd just cry. You became an issue for you mother, a nuisance, uncontrollable and poorly behaved. It wasn't like you hit kids in school or threw tantrums, sometimes you’d just cry and hold your stomach. Your mom was awfully embarrassed and would pinch you to keep you quiet. 

And your behavior was weird to everyone else too, you didn't really make any friends like Frankie. He was out all day, basking in that 1970s heat wave with his little friends. You were a cute kid, but you were a crybaby and there's nothing worse than a crybaby. 

So when your mom got you a nanny to keep you company when she was away- and when she was home, you had finally had someone who tolerated you. 

Elaida moved to New York when you were seven. It was the second time you were abandoned, but the first one you could remember every feeling. You cried, snotty nosed and your mom attempted to console a girl she barely knew. When Elaida left your mom got even busier, leaving you at home with Frankie most of that time.

You spent the rest of your days with that thought lingering at the forefront of your mental. You would burst into tears once you got home from school after the girls would talk about their dads. You would sob every fathers day alone in your room, comforting your own tiny body, breathing in and out to calm yourself down, you didn't want to wake up your mom.

 During the days where you did spend time on the foot of your moms king sized bed, she decided to include you in the discussion of your own conception, birth and the months after she left him. 

You also lived with those stories circling as you sat and took state exams in sixth grade. You still didn't have many friends, so there wasn't much distracting you from the incessant need of some sort of affection, love, care, from any adult. Well-not any, you had given up on your mom by the time you were nine-you wanted your dad, the one who slept by you in those first few weeks as he watched a feeding tube and a machine keeping you alive. You were emotional and in need of love, and maybe that also was a reason your mom couldnt stare at you for longer than three seconds, you were her mirror. 

When you were 13 Javier became your first real friend. And crush. But friend first. You didn't see it that way until you replayed those moments in your head at night during the summer of 1980. He was the first person to display kindness to you, he took you under his wing and protected you in the only way a fifteen year old could-punching whoever dared look at you wrong. And you two bonded in those summers, tanning outside on his driveway, his finger wrapping around a strand of your hair to flick on your face, making your nose scrunch in annoyance.

 A friendship, a crush, a love that allowed you for once to just be a kid. To just crush, to just bike ride, to just scrape your knees and not think;

  “I wonder if my dad would carry me home or would he have a first aid kit on him.” 

Distraction- no you wouldn't call Javier a distraction, you still felt all the pain that came with having an absent father, you just also happened to have something to smile about now, blush about.

 So Javier’s year-long absence came as a gut punch to your already aching body when you were fifteen. 

You were lucky enough to have made friends with your former bully, future in law and hairdresser Genie. You weren't sure what changed in her, probably just age, but she was really the only girl you could trust. You trusted your mom but your mom kind of just wasn't interested in all those girly conversations. Genie, she was heaven sent, sure she made you fall and eat wood chips just 4 years prior, but you were able to put that past you. 

Besides, you had finally made friends outside of your brother and his gang. Monica and Liandra had come at a lonely time. But you got to have Javi again. You got to have him in sweeter, softer, and more personal ways. A softness in the way he looked at you, personal in the way he knew your every emotion and sweet in the way he kissed you. Yet he just wasn't yours and neither was anyone really. No one was truly his either, no one-but one thing was his. Just one thing, and it was his confidence in the career he wanted, even if it meant he gets ripped from you.

The summer after he left, mmm you blocked it out. You added him to the list of people who left you and the list replayed in your head that whole summer. Avoiding his calls to your home by being out everyday, walking nowhere, deciding to work and spending time alone. You were too young to have experienced all that heart break. Bursting with empathy, you felt everything all at once that summer, and well into your sophomore year.

It was easier to miss his calls when school started, you weren't sure if you were ready to just hear his voice. You wanted to forget it all together, forget it all. You went on runs, you volunteered at the library, you stayed at Liandra’s house and you attended one too many parties. 

You caught the phone just once. You were walking around the house in a robe, sipping on orange juice from the carton, Javier had decided to ring your house. A shaking hand picked up the phone. Closing your eyes and ready to hear him for the first time in seven months. You lean against the wall and immediately your finger is twirling the chord. I will always be a crush stricken girl. Slow soul music on the line when you pick up, “Hello?” you say breathlessly from your sprint to the phone.

“Andrea, haven’t heard your voice in a while.” You could hear his smile through the phone. Your cheeks burned up instantaneously. 

You hum, “I’ve been busy, keep missing your call. I don’t want to bother ringing your house either” You admit, a hand moving from the cord and making its way to the soft cloth of your robe, rubbing it nervously.

He laughs a deep one, you could just imagine him.  In your head he’s sitting down, phone in one hand as he leaned into a table in front of him. “Busy doing what? I saw the picture your mom sent by the way-Hair looks nice, looks pretty on you.”

For the first time in months your heart skips a beat. You were so upset with him when he left but just the privilege of hearing his voice was enough for you to forget all the things you were angry about. Guess distances does make the heart grow fonder

A thick swallow conceals your giddiness, “Thanks Javier Peña. And busy with school-and you how's everything?” You stand straight, trying to brace yourself with any bad news. Javi being 18 and living alone makes him seem like such an adult, truthfully he could just propose to Lorraine, or they can start having kids. 

You thought about that possibility all too often. He’d be such a good dad, you saw how he was with the kids at Liandra’s quince, lifting his cousin up with one arm, his mouth blowing raspberries into the young boy's side. 

A sizzling noise came from the phone, was he smoking? Your eyebrows furrow. Gross. “Mm” He hums, “Started officially working, all the other cops speak spanish which is nice. There’s a cop bar just a few blocks from my house, we hang there.”

You try to imagine him in blue, how much you hated cops in your house yet you adored him. A bit embarrassed about that one.

You have to- “and your girl?” you ask, being nosy and selfish . You asked with only selfish intentions, something to get yourself worked up over. He stays silent for a small bit of time. You left her with a lie and he has to live with it over in Houston.

“Hm. We’re good, she’s staying with a friend tonight at her dorm. Just in very different places right now-she’s in that college mood and i’m just work and sleep. She gets real mad at me-” He stops himself then sighs, his breath crackling over the telephone. “M’sorry, not supposed to talk to you about these things.”

You sigh in return, knowing there’s a wall between the two of you and three hundred miles. He’s right, he shouldn’t tell you about his troubles-You were his friend-best friend, and if it was just that then maybe you could  help him with it all. But it just wasn't that simple with the two of you. You nod, forgetting he can’t see you, blushing at your silly moment. “It’s okay…you planning on coming home anytime soon?” You change the subject. In some strange way you could hear his relief over the phone.

“Uh-not sure. Would love to come down for your birthday but this law and order shit is real rigorous, thinking i’ll just send you some birthday money over there”

You scoff, “Don’t do that.”

Fuck, he’s probably not coming home, he’s been gone nearly a year.

He completely ignores your protest and changes the subject, “Told you to take care of yourself before I left-are you, querid-” He cuts himself off. And you were instantly transported back to his kitchen, full of tears when he asked you that stupid question. Fuck, Javier . The breath he sucked in was audible, “Um-aren’t you … taking care of yourself? Avoiding Daniel and whatnot.”

Your nostrils flare at the mention of the boy you used to hook up with last year. “I am, funny how you left and suddenly I have no more boy troubles.” You tease and he lets out a heart aching  chuckle.

How you missed his face, his eyes. His nose.

“I’m sorry, i’ll keep apologizing-”

“Javier-”

“No, I'll keep apologizing until you believe it, I'm sorry for putting you in that position. It was unfair.” A door opens from his end and you can hear Lorraine’s voice and silence- he was covering the phone. You wait under the fridge light-shit, it’s been open this whole time. “Sorry- Lorraine says hi, I’ll catch you soon Andrea”

“Oh, bye” But you were cut off by a sudden tone. 

The smile that was once plaguing your face had faded. He was still trying to apologize for graduation night. Your hands still grip at the phone, imagining where you’d be if you just told him to stay here, finish high school and then he can be on his way to adulthood.

You slept thinking about him. Like you often did, and you woke up thinking of your father, of Elaida. After that night in December you never really hear from Javier himself. Not for a few years.

He doesn't call for your seventeenth birthday, you never even received a gift. And despite your mom mailing him newspaper clippings of your championship win in lacrosse, you don't hear back from him. He doesn’t even call Frankie or Genie.

 Well, he called Frankie twice but at Genie's apartment that your brother practically lived at.

  He’s just really busy with his job, Andrea. You frown and bite the inside of your cheek, a metallic sting on your tastebuds.

But your desperation to hear his voice becomes too much to hold close in your heart. So in May you take your rusty bike to Don Chucho’s home.

“Andrea, what a nice surprise.”

Your mama had been visiting his ranch twice a week to spend time with him since he was getting older-and it must be hard being alone. She would come over to cook or take him to town. And despite your moms tendency to hate farming or getting dirty, she would still follow him out to the pasture and lend a manicured hand.

You sat for dinner and he apologized for making such little food. You laugh at him and eat anyway. He was really the best cook you knew, “Javier was a chubby kid for a reason Mija.”

It took ten minutes of you time which was Mr. Peña putting you on the hot seat like always. It was finally your turn and you had just wanted to know about Javi. You twirl your fork in his spaghetti, “Haven’t heard from Javi in a few months, is everything okay?” You ask with much more urgency than you wanted. It wasn’t like him, it wasn’t like him to leave you hanging, to leave all of you like this. Chucho frowns and shakes his head. He looked more stressed these days, worrying about his baby being so far away. 

“He’s moving up faster than he’d thought, talks of the DEA or somethin’, he barely rings me. He wants to be a hero, sometimes wish I didn't let him leave.” His frown deepens as he looks to his plate. Age showing more just since last year. You get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. 

DEA? Your face goes puzzled. You heard it mentioned last month, mentioned by the new president Reagan. You bite your lip. “What’s the DEA?” You didn’t care if it was a stupid question. You needed to know, would this move Javier even further away? 

Chucho chuckles, “Trust I didn’t know until he told me last month. Some government agency for drug trafficking, you know all the craziness in Colombia. “ He shakes his head.

Oh, Colombia? 

They can’t send him. He’s so young-he has no business there. He’s only eighteen. You inadvertently pout at the thought, “He’s not going-right?”

Chucho shrugs, “He’s being trained, he has to be 21, most of the folks in the DEA are older so they’re trying to expand to younger people-more convincing when doing stationed operations. But if he goes, it won’t be for the next 2 years.” The beating in your chest grows faster but you shovel food into your mouth to hide the obvious nerves that spiked just in that short conversation.

You couldn’t bear him being only 4 hours away, but now in Colombia? You had been left out of everything your entire life. Left out of motherly love, left out of childhood happiness, left out of any conversation involving your father. But the one thing-the one person who made you a part of something- a friend group- made you a friend- a love, was leaving you again. 

Your breath halters and you give Chucho a warm smile laced with nervousness, if you didn't smile then you would have cried. He looked at you with such empathy that you didn't think twice before blabbing. “Can I tell you something?” Chucho stops eating, and gives you another look, a nervous one.

“Of course muñeca.” He says with such warmth, your mama always supported the crush on Javier because she thought Chucho would be a great in law . You always blushed and told her to literally never bring that up.

You almost chicken out but you knew you could trust him, you always have and besides  you are rarely ever given the opportunity to be open. 

“Before Javier left, he told me that if I told him to stay, he would stay.” 

You look to him trying your best to conceal the physical pain it caused you. You guess you haven't really spoken about it since he left. You just couldn't tell anyone else. You had no one else. 

With a dagger, the only father you've ever known screws his brows together in sympathy at your solemn face. He understood you.

“And what did you tell him?”

Your breath dies in your throat and you look at your lap. Keep it together. “I told him that it was messed up to ask me a question like that, after being with Lorraine.” You swallowed thickly, a tear escaping but quickly shrouded with a back hand wipe. 

Javier’s father tenses up, leaving a space of nothingness between the two of you. You could see his eyes drift away, his gears turning and a frown. He sharply inhaled through his nose and he took off his hat, placing it next to his cup of water. “You know-he denied it, he’d probably deny until-”

Your quivering chin comes to a halt, “Deny what?”

Mr. Pena tilts his head to examine your flush face, debating if this was the appropriate thing to say, he says it anyway with such certainty. “He’d deny that he loves you, he’d deny it forever I think, rather watch you marry than admit that maybe he just loved you the entire time.” 

Love. A word that only circled your mind but never left your lips. You press your lips together and flare your nostrils, you physically couldn't look at his father any longer. No one knew Javi like his dad, so his observation-it was too much. You almost want to hold your stomach in stifled sobs. Just the mere thought of him loving you and deciding to never tell you. To never give you a real choice, that it’s all up to him even though he knows you’d choose him always. You never had a choice. 

It cant be. You shake your head and look to Don Chucho but he cuts you off before you could speak. “That night when you called, I was awake in the living room.” A smile playing his lips as he looked into the distance reminiscing about his only child, “Nearly tripped on his face looking for his shoes, so worried about you. I remembered thinking that maybe this is the night you two quit the push and pull, locked myself up in my room when I heard you two coming to the house. Thought that I should just avoid the inevitable.”

You release a tearful giggle remembering how fucked up you had been that night, “Assumin’ nothing ever happened between the two of you”

Well not that night. Just a week before.

 Chucho leans back into the wooden chair with a creek. You give him a tight lipped smile and he returns it with a laugh. “No.” You lie.

And Chucho says something you rewrote in your diary, attempting to remember his words correctly. He taps his hat at the dinner table.

“He’s growing and changing and still got a whole lot to figure out, but he’s going to realize the one thing he ain’t goin to outgrow is you.”

There was a new feeling that lingered with you after that dinner. You couldn't put your finger on what it was exactly, the closest word was devastation. You conditioned yourself for seventeen years that maybe, you just weren't someone deserving or worthy of love. Maybe you were evil in your past life and you are now being punished. You closed your eyes and thought about your dad holding you, of course you don't remember it, but at times you wanted to dream for a bit. 

You tried to hide the part of your heart that was Javier. And deep down you knew that distractions never helped but you were moving into your junior year, you still had a lot to learn. You started your junior year out without Monica, she had graduated and went to UNT. Liandra though still stuck by your side, now that you were driving you would circle her block 3 times every morning waiting for her to be ready for the day. And you did have fun, you stopped smoking weed because it made you feel sluggish so you resorted to using your fake ID at bars. The bouncers and bartenders would narrow their eyes at you knowing damn well you were the teenage daughter of Melissa Diaz, they served you anyway. 

Javier still tucked away in your soul, you hooked up with someone for the first time since you were a freshman. It was at a halloween party where you were whispered into a bathroom, a hand on your waist and later in your pants. With your eyes screwed shut wondering if this is what all the fuss was about, slyly you removed the unsatisfying hand from your pants and gave the boy whatever he needed. And it became a habit, a new boy at every party. Feeling worse about yourself with every hangover, you barely remembered any of the hookups in bathrooms and locked rooms yet the one you wished to erase from your memory. 

It was 3 days after your 18th birthday, on a party bathroom floor Xavier crawled over you, your blank stare in the ceiling and a small pinching pain. “You can put more than the tip in.” You held onto his shirt, words slurring, this was a decision you made after drink 4. He grunts a devastating noise, his head falling into the crook of your neck. 

“I’m-im all the way in-fuck-you’re perfect”

Oh. You frown out of his line of sight, he starts moving at an awkward pace, whining and jolting. Yet you felt no enjoyment, your eyes scanning the room wondering what excuse you could make to just stop all of the weirdness of it all. “Feels good right?” He pants and your eyes widen, suddenly feeling more sober than ever.

“Mmm… yeah.” You fake, you were never a good actress, you were casted as civilian number 3 at your 5th grade play. Shifty eyed, you pull his waist closer into you , ringing out faulty moans and he finishes within ten seconds of your screeches, his body going limp and crushing you.

You shudder at the thought of that night, and nearly barf up last nights beer when you're reminded that you had sex with him six more times after that awful experience.You just hoped it was trial and error, sex isn't linear, sometimes it wont work. You were waiting until it did. You cringe, it just never got better with him. 

“So he's never eaten you out?” Liandra leans forward on your bed, her eyes looking absolutely terrified. You screw your face, you hadn't even known that was an option-well you just didn't think dudes were into it. Liandra lets out a gasp.

“No… he's never given me an orgasm either.” With that Liandra screamed, croaking over and pretending to die there on your bed. Convulsing and coming back to life to eye you down again. At this point Xavier was pretty much your boyfriend. 

A lot had changed in your junior year. For starters your brother and Genie opened a second salon leaving you alone at home with your mom and her new boyfriend. And thank the lord James was likable, someone who actually at times made your house feel like a home and not just a shared space between you and your mom. Your mom had become sweeter, not to you, but in general. She was already kind to everyone else but James pulled that social part of her out. She stopped sending you to parties with gifts in your hand and instead started actually attending with her “hunk”, her words.

Secondly, you were still in love with Javi, but you werent going to kill yourself over his own brooding and selfish ways. That was the change.  Not a single fucking call. You squeezed your pillow at night with anger coursing through your body when you think of him calling your brother and not you. Phone works two ways Andrea. Says your adult sibling and you almost want to slap the mustache off his stupid fucking face. He hopes everything is good, didn't ask about much though, he's still in extensive training.

Extensive training because I’m such a fucking stupid adult with a life. You mocked in his accent or what you remembered he sounded like. You act unbothered and cut the conversation short but soak your pillow in tears that night. 

Oh, and lastly, Xavier took you on a roadtrip to a beach in Corpus Christi and asked you out. With many pieces missing, you still said yes with a kiss and a hug. And the two of you date all the way into senior year, sneaking into your house late after a quickie in his car,  you still hadn't finished.

  You tiptoe just to see your moms boyfriend eating an apple at the kitchen island shaking his head. “You know Andrea, you're never going to get over that Peña boy when the one boy you decide to date has the same name as him.” He spits with a shit eating grin and in a display of teenage embarrassment you flare your nostrils and give him a watch it look. 

He’d been living in your home for going on two years so your mama did not spare him on the Javier details. “You got it bad Andrea.” He joked. 

Xavier was a good boyfriend despite Liandra groaning when he stepped into any room. He drove you places, spent time with you, never a birthday, anniversary or any insignificant holiday he could use to spoil you in some way. Sure he made some comments that would end up with you crying in the passenger's seat of his car, and he wouldn't apologize. He’d just show up to your home the next morning to take you home. If anyone-especially Frankie-found out some of the things that would come out of Xaviers mouth, his head would be delivered at the doorstep of his family home. But despite the sex being awful and his attitude you date him through your senior year. Walking hand in hand at the mall just two months before your own senior prom. Where had time gone?

In large shining letters Formal Glamour Boutique, your lips quirk at the beautiful dress in the display you had seen weeks before. You had your eyes trained on the dress, unique in comparison to the large tulle bottoms and puffed sleeves that stood on the surrounding mannequins. A beautiful simple scarlet colored dress, a v-neckline lined with embroidered ruby and silver roses on the breast, the fit of it all you just tugged on your boyfriends sleeve. “How do you feel about matching with a red tie?” You lean your head on his shoulder as he quietly observes the dress. You watch the reflective silver glint in his light eyes before they fall to the long puffed sleeve dress next to it. Your lip fitting between your teeth itching for approval.

He hums and twists his face a bit, “I don't know, the thin strap might be too much, its a school dance.” You move your head from his shoulder, still staring up at him muddled with brows drawn together. 

“No one cares about that, and its the prom, its really just about what the popular dress style is.” You look back at the dress and back at him, still with a flared and disapproving face, so distant and concerned. He shrugs again. 

“You're always complaining about your weight gain, I was just suggesting you cover your arms.”

You went to prom alone, in the dress you wanted and after a year together you left Xavier’s ass. And honestly you were embarrassed. So fucking ashamed of the things he would say and how you would just take it. You never really shared the things he said with anyone out of fear of judgment, why didn't you just leave him? Well, you had an answer to that question but the reasoning only made sense in your own head. No one around you knew you well enough to understand your relationship with abandonment, even if you explained that you didn't leave earlier because you never wanted someone to feel like they were easy to leave or to forget, that they weren't even worth a try-you still knew that no one around you could understand that. You also knew that if Javier was around he would have had pried all information out of you-anything about Xavier and then he would have had handled him accordingly. But you got to handle this one on your own and it made you stay away from men all throughout college but hey you live and you learn. 

In your freshman year away in Miami- actually, it was just as uneventful as high school. You hadn't gotten into the partying life that was at Umiami until you were a junior so your first year consisted of cramped hands from note taking and double takes at men in their forties who could be your dad. It also consisted of just being away, and you started to become less hostile with Javier in your head. Less animosity when you realized how easy it was to just disconnect from everyone and just be on your own and the peace that came with it. You cried less, you smiled more when you lived in Miami. Even when you came back home for those month long breaks, you were giddy, beaming at the thought of Laredo now only being a part time part of your life. Even in your sophomore year, despite the stressors of being a full time student and being required to get into the schools and work with actual students-you still found much more happiness. That summer of your sophomore year you took summer courses so you could graduate early and start leasing an apartment out there. 

it's in your family genetics to bear children well into your fifties.

Your mom called you in the fall of your Junior year to tell you that she had gone into labor at the age of 41, (she never bothered to tell you she was pregnant). Your stomach twisting and a smile spreading across your face at the thought of a sibling, tears brimming at the thought of the little baby living with two parents. Something you and Frankie never had the privilege to experience. Little Marisol, you flew home immediately.

Life moved so fast, you had a new sister and your brother was in the early stages of wedding planning, it was 1986. You had your degree and a summer home to watch your brother marry the only girl he’s ever loved.