#he was such a boyband esque creature

[maxz-b]

licking your glasses and tying your shoes together haha part 39/???

[toasttz]

How to make games: RPGs

Hey! You like RPGs, right? If you don't I have to wonder how the hell you found FAN, given our two most-active subboards being vidya and tabletop RPGs, but, whatever! Let's, for the sake of argument, assume you like RPGs. If you don't, fuck off, Greg! ... I don't know anyone named Greg, I just wanted to see if I could screw with people named Greg. Anyways, RPGs, like the houses in Harry Potter, come in four distinct flavors: traditionalist, gonzo/comedy, h-game, and "Inspired by EarthBound/The Mother Trilogy". And much akin to Harry Potter, only two of these houses actually fucking matter and the other two are just hangers-on of different genres and ages. If you're going to waste the player's time by making your H-game an RPG, you are going about it entirely wrong. Please stop dumping this unabashed garbage-fire of a subgenre on Steam, the market is beyond saturation point and requires arm floaties to compensate. And for those of you who played/know of EarthBound and want to make a "spiritual successor"... just stop. Please for the love of God, stop. There never really was a demand for this kind of thing and EarthBound was not a commercial success, so just stop if you have any humanity left in you. I don't think I can stomach anymore fucking quirkiness after the last installment - anymore stuffed down my gullet and I'm gonna shit out a My Hero Academia OC next time my bowels move. So, in truth, you have two flavors of RPG: the traditionalist and the comedian routes and both can be equally terrible. Traditionalist RPGs range from the swords-n-sorcery setting found in Ultima, Dragon Quest, and good Final Fantasy installments to the sci-fi, cyberpunk, steampunk, and emo shit found in bad Final Fantasy installments - it's a wide gauntlet. The only prereq is that you take your own storytelling relatively seriously, with some level of gravity involved in the overall major story beats. Since traditionalist RPGs are made by people with crippling insecurities about change, and the game will largely succeed or fail on the quality of its characters, I'll go ahead and make your cast for you. I'll avoid giving them names so you can customize them: I mean, some people like their fantasy heroes to be named something like "Bulk McUlraeoth Sword Arm of Jupiter" and some people like their fantasy protags to be named "Jim". Who am I to judge your self-insert fanfiction? Sword McHero Man - The guy with short brown or black hair and a generic face done by a B-list manga-ka and, depending on if you want to make him a chillaxed everyman or an edgy edgelord, you can add or subtract belts, zippers, pouches, and black clothing items according to need. He'll almost always use a generic one-handed sword and have fairly short hair. If your game strongly favors an element system, he'll be either fire or light-affinity, but not have any actual strong convictions beyond the fact that he hates 'bad guys' and probably gets his head dunked in toilets by at least 3 NPCs in the starting town. Anything else about him is ultimately superfluous and interchangeable with the next Sword McHero Man over. Childhood McBestfriend - Oftentimes a female foil to the above, but not required by law to be so. Sometimes this doubles as Sword McHero Man's Suave Cool McLancer. They will usually fill a supplementary combat role in the party, either the thief or the healbot as the story requires. If they are the love interest, they are required to be Worst Waifu(TM) by law and be replaced as soon as a competent party member fills out the roster. Typically wind or water elemented in nature, they'll either help calm the hero-man down if he is the hotblooded sort, or cheer him up if he's currently got his head dunked in a toilet. Suave Cool McLancer - Either a rival or thematic foil of the hero and maybe a rival for Childhood McBestfriend's affections, depending on story necessity. He will be a more specialized unit, either the rogue, the heavy-armor knight, or the attack mage. If male, this character will be Best Hasbando and be incredibly pretty or horrifically scarred and/or disfigured with no potential in-betweens. If female, uncommon but not unheard-of, she'll be the team's big sis figure and likely the most powerful, physically speaking. Potential for Best Waifu(TM) is high, but can also potentially double as Back McStabberton. Back McStabberton - The dark, angsty, clearly-untrustworthy one who the player will see their betrayal coming from a mile off, but will completely blindside the naive heroes. Usually they'll have stats inconsistent with the party (being either over or under-powered depending on context) and clash with their bright, anime-esque color scheme by wearing blacks or dark purples. Either a thief or attack mage of some flavor. Almost universally a male or a "devilish handsome rogue" if they get redeemed at some point. If female, they will always be DOUBLE AGENTS acting with the hero's own good in mind and will promptly be forgiven. Usually dies before the game is out. Grandpa McTeacherperson - Some plot-pivotal character who exists to either give the party a special tool, weapon, or ability they wouldn't have gotten otherwise, or elsewise transfer their own talents to the party in some fashion. Virtually irrelevant as characters since these exist exclusively as jaded props to die off to make the villains' actions more personal. Please stop using this archetype or at least TRY to subvert it into something interesting, you talentless lazy fucks. Sexy McFaceTurn - Invariably one of the bad guy's hot ladies will see a boyish charm in the hero, even if the hero is supposed to be projected upon and therefore would actually have the social skills of a duck - or worse, me. What? I did that joke already? Fuck you, this joke's still more inspired than the Tales games RPGs. Anyways, upon getting wet for the hero, she will abandon her post and all its luxuries and join the party, clad in tight, black leather and probably using either knives or whips and will be your prereq dark-affinity character. She will be the sex appeal your game sells on, so be sure to slap her on all your promo materials even though she doesn't join until the mid-late game. Male versions of this idea die. I can't explain it - it's some straight-up Mr. Poofers dark magic, they just die. Annoying McMascot - Your game needs something bizarre to round the party out with. A talking dog is common. A fantasy creature with bright neon colors is also acceptable. Just make sure that players hate it with every fiber of their being. If the design alone isn't enough, give it an annoying speech habit - like a verbal tic or a lisp - and have it talk a lot and repeat the obvious a lot. It is by law that this must be implemented. However, unlike any of the above, this, coupled with the hero, cannot be killed off. And that should more or less do ya, unless you're the type who wanted to pour dozens upon dozens of dudes into your game. In which case, congrats, you understand that doing the absolute base minimum to be called a "game" isn't the bar you should be shooting for and therefore are already on your way to being better than Squeenix. Next, you need to get to codin'! So go on Steam and buy the latest RPG Maker software when it goes on sale. You won't need to wait long, between the Summer and Winter sales. Once you have that, you already have built-in art, music, and character makers. Fuck it - creativity is hard, so let the software tend to that itself. Make some characters and name some locations, jot up a map with some landmarks and treasure, then make a bad guy. Bad guy making is easy, they all wear black or dark reds and purples and tend to always call themselves "The [Whatever] Empire". You don't even need to be arsed to make a motivation for their evil schemes. Have you seen how much Fire Emblem Fates raked in just on the goodwill left over from Awakening? I'm surprised JRPGs aren't made by fucking algorithm these days! Anyways, that just about does it for the traditional RPG. Comedy RPGs aren't quite as bound to the above and are, in fact, encouraged to break the mold. If you need some ideas to get the creative juices flowin', there's a game you can try out, you might have heard about it since I haven't stopped fellating the damn thing since I did the LP back in 2013: Hourai High. Your plot doesn't need to make sense and is better off if any causality is merely coincidental. Your characters shouldn't really be trying to 'save the world', per se, but should do so by side-effect of their selfishness and/or incompetence. Your team should have robots, aliens, fucking CheetahMen, I don't fucking know, but take everything I said above this paragraph and throw it into a shredder, make it confetti, and wail on established convention! Sweet fucking mother - BE CREATIVE. I'm gonna temporarily break facade here for just a second and say this: you know how you bitched about Final Fantasy 15? How it's a fucking boyband music video with a fucking car commercial crammed in it?! How you hated the hallway simulator of FF13? How no one bought Bravely Second? How Dragon Quest keeps getting away with remaking the same fucking game?! Here's your chance. Flaunt on the establishment. Fuck what is "popular". Make something new. Don't try to be Shigesato Itoi. Do your own thing. Break the conditioning. Get out there and make a fucking game. Make it so when people say "RPG Maker Title" on Steam, they aren't saying it like it's a four-letter word. Put some God-damn soul into it, people! And now, off the soap box. Bonus points if you add a dating sim. Just saying. Rune Factory 5 just got announced. Now, get to work. Congrats. You now know how to be the most fucking boring milquetoast thing on the planet and how to avoid that ass-cancer and do something that actually expresses your individuality and possible talent. This is the one time I'm allowing these rants to be somewhat uplifting. You're welcome.

[thosewhocantdomusic-blog]

The Brexit of Boybands: Harry Styles vs. Zayn Malik

By Your Hubadera-Next-Door

“Sign of the Times” was everything we ever wanted and hoped for from a boyband expatriate. It was a Prince reference with the soul of David Bowie and Billy Joel all in one piece of pretty boy art. Harry Styles soared with a Birdman-esque fashion in the song’s music video and so did our expectations of his upcoming work.

Photo from Vevo 

But I guess it was just too good to be true. 

May 12, 2017 was the break of dawn for Directioners. Harry Styles released his much-awaited solo album (predictably) named after himself. You could hear the “oohs” and “aahs” from young girls all over the world as Harry counts under his breath in the beginning of “Meet Me in the Hallway.” Breathy and pregnant with echoes. Okay, not bad. “Give me some morphine.” Okay, cheesy angst, but okay, forgivable. Let’s just skip to “Sign of the Times” where all the clouds part for a melancholy tune of being born into a world of political rifts and street violence. So fucking #woke. 

It all goes downhill with the third song. “Carolina”—a recollection about a girl he met from a state with unimpressive NBA credentials—is a tasteless impostor of a Beatles song. It made John Lennon cringe in his grave. And really, Harry? A girl you only met once? How very Taylor Swift of you. 

If a music producer muted Lady Gaga in one of her New Age country pieces and let Shawn Mendes hog the vocals, you would have “Sweet Creatures” and “Two Ghosts.” “Only Angel” and “Kiwi” are obvious odes to the big names of the late 60’s (The Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd) but, like, that’s all they are. While their rock-leaning tendencies do seem to call attention to themselves, the songs fail miserably at being the least bit memorable to the 21st-century audience.

Photo from Rolling Stone

Since it’s common courtesy to finish an album once you’ve started, I moved on to “Ever Since New York.” And how fucking sad. It was just another One Direction song without five other yelping seals in the background. He risks copyright infringement from the exact same blokes he swore he’d leave. Self-referencing, Harry? Vain much? 

But wait! Harry Styles finally gives us something exciting to look forward to with “Woman.” Style-wise, anyway. Its substance, however, sinks straight to the lair of Lucifer. “Should we just search romantic comedies on Netflix and see what we find?” Barf. Enough of songs about women being “flowers” and “feasts.” Where my #complex bitches at? 

When the last song played, I flinched. Have I mistakenly wandered into a Ben Howard playlist? Are the members of Fleet Foxes his chorale? Or worse: is this The Ransom Collective? *yawns myself to death* 

And so I wondered: if Harry is less of a revolutionary and more of a spineless fraud, do we now pass the crown to Zayn Malik?

ZAYN’s solo album, Mind of Mine, was released a while back in 2016. To be honest, I didn’t bother listening to it at all when it hit the charts. I first heard “PILLOWTALK” the same time the music video came out and I hated it. But that was probably because the mere sight of Gigi Hadid makes me want to jump off a building. All elitist pride aside, I locked myself in my room one day and finally gave his album a listen for the first time. 

My high horse was put to shame. Mind of Mine opens with an eclectic intro and a smooth transition to “PILLOWTALK,” the song responsible for all teenage pregnancies that year. Some things really are better the second time around. He begins with alternative R&B and alternative R&B is definitely what we get. No false promises. 

After “PILLOWTALK,” rainbows start shooting out my ass. You could hear a little bit of R. Kelly in the first few songs, from “iT’s YoU” all the way to “dRuNk.” But “iNTERMISSION: fLoWer” was the most captivating song in the album, with ZAYN paying a tribute to his Bollywood influences juxtaposed with bedroom beats. “rEaR vIeW,” a sleazy song about a sad boy’s romantic manifesto, is what Usher would have sounded like in the late 90’s if he wasn’t so concerned about getting laid with the freakiest girls in the club.

Photo from Vevo

Behind Zayn’s solo flight is the work of talented people in the industry, including R&B producers Malay and Alan Sampson. He featured Kehlani in “wRong,” the R&B duet that “Knock You Down” wanted so bad to be. Beyond the album, Zayn Malik has also worked with pop music connoisseur Jack Antonoff for that famous BDSM joke of a movie and, of course, Taylor Swift. Take that, Harry. 

“fOoL fOr YoU” is a break from the funky production and shines the spotlight on ZAYN’s vocal range that he was always known for. The song is not his best but his voice is definitely worth the mention. But it’s when “TiO” plays that you are suddenly aware of the album’s unabashedly sexual undertones which you might have forgotten because of the album’s utter beauty. 

I think “LIKE I WOULD” is my favorite song in the album. This is when ZAYN bids goodbye to the adolescent foolishness of pining after a girl who doesn’t want him (WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULDN’T????) and accepts in “SHE DON’T LOVE ME” that it doesn’t really matter. There are other chicks in line. And he’s fucking Zayn Malik. 

Mind of Mine is heavily peppered with similar sounds from Zayn’s biggest musical influences. But the difference between Zayn Malik and Harry Styles is that the former doesn’t beat around the bush. Despite the nods towards the likes of Biggie and Tupac, ZAYN’s unique take on contemporary R&B shines through. Mind of Mine had the organic unity, faithfulness to self-expression, and the right amount of mass appeal that cements it as one of this age’s greatest pop/R&B music albums.

This is me admitting to the universe that, yes, Zayn Malik is way ahead of his mates. With a firmer grip on his style and voice, he can go about frolicking with the uglier Hadid sister and I wouldn’t give a shit. Harry Styles, on the other hand, tried so hard to free himself from the chains of Simon Cowell and the rest of the boys but it was too late. The shrilling screams of hormonal teenagers had already poisoned his music. 

The decision is final: Zayn Malik brings home the trophy. 

The New York Times thinks that a mature Harry Styles is deserving of going places in the music scene without his adorable-X-Factor-act turned subpar-boy-band turned masturbatory-content-for-twelve-year-olds. If that’s “maturity,” then I don’t ever want to grow up.