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writing-of-a-british-bitch · 4 years ago

Text

Blame Me- Chapter 4

Fandom: The Walking Dead

Specified gender: Female

Word Count: 11.7K

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x reader,

TW: canon typical violence, canon divergence, flashback of past character death (OCs), cannibalism, detailed gore, sexual innuendos, suggestion of rape, reference to past child death, torture (dismemberment), Negan being Negan, probably badly written Negan, mention of a broken ankle?

Genre: Horror ig?

Series: Blame Me

Requests: CLOSED

Masterlist

A/N: Yeah, like I warned last chapter, I got a little carried away with this chapter. Negan is so fucking hard to write, so warning you for that as well. I loved this chapter though. And, uh, a lot of trigger warnings. Enjoy!

(Y/N) sighed, looking into her bag. Her supplies were running dangerously low - only two cans and half a water bottle, not to mention the nonexistent ammo. She wouldn't be able to stay out here much longer. But paranoia crept into her, as it had done regularly since that night, and kept her in place. Trusting people was damn near impossible. Being in a group, in a community, a camp? It was terrifying. Unless she was truly desperate, and only then, would there be the smallest slither of a chance of it happening. Maybe she would be better just moving on. Staying alone. She was safer alone.

"Don't be stupid, woman, ya barely standin'." She could practically hear Daryl's voice in her ear, and her head snapped to the side just to check. But she was met with empty, open-air, and her heart sank a little bit, despite knowing he wasn't there. (Y/N) let out a huff, a mix of frustration and sadness, and looked back to the clearing in the bushes where she was watching Terminus. Goddamn it, even when he wasn't there, he was always right. She was going to get herself killed. There was a herd on the way, so it wouldn't hurt to stay a couple days right? Restock, sleep, and then get on the road again before the herd hit. They'd destroy that place anyway.

(Y/N) watched with hardened eyes as the fencing was pulled open, fixed on the men behind it. He had a smile on his face and open hands but his eyes gave him away. There was something menacing behind them. She wasn't sure she wanted to find out what that was. Just a few days.

"Hello there! My name is Gareth, I'm kind of the leader around here. Welcome to Terminus," Gareth greeted, striding forward, much quicker than (Y/N) had liked. She stepped back in response, narrowing her eyes cautiously.

"(Y/N)," She responded after a long pause. Hell, the longer she spent alone, the more she was sounding like her husband. Gareth's eyes flittered to her dirty, bloodied face; to the gun, she held in a vice-like grip; to her furrowed eyebrows; to the way she swayed lightly in exhaustion.

"Well, we're glad to have you. Before you come in, though, I need you to put your weapons on the ground. All of them. Just so we have no surprises," He replied. (Y/N) glanced down to the gun, still with the safety off and hesitated. Gareth waited patiently, much to her odd annoyance. Eventually, she gave a small nod, watching as relief flooded his features. There was something off about him. What was he hiding? She didn't trust him. Not that that meant much anymore. Down the gun went, along with the knife from her belt, still covered in walker blood, and the small handgun she kept clipped to her bag. Gareth came towards her, slowly this time, like someone approaching a scared pet. "I'm just going to pat you down now. Just our policy."

Much to (Y/N)'s relief, he kept professional as he patted along her arms, down her torso and legs and back up again. He was giving her that fake gentle smile. That only made her stiffen and the leader was quick to back off when he was done. He was trying to earn her trust. A nagging voice in the back of her head kept asking why what was he up to? (Y/N) tried to shake the suspicion as she bent down to pick her weapons back up.

"C'mon in," Gareth gestured to the gate and despite her unease, she allowed him to take her through to a small courtyard. There were a few people, maybe ten or so. Some of them were sat down on tables and little booths that were dotted around, and two people were stood next to a barbecue, where there was a blonde woman stood behind cooking. The closer they got, the stronger the smell wafting through the air did, and it made her stomach twist in a knot. She knew that smell. Why did she know that smell? The lady shot (Y/N) a warm smile as she offered her a plate of whatever it was she was cooking. But she only stared at it, a look of scepticism and partial disgust and the Terminus people exchanged a glance. Finally, the lady shrugged and handed the plate to a guy who'd come to stand behind the survivor. "You really find it hard to trust people don't you?"

"I'll be here for a day or two. I just need to rest," (Y/N) cut in sharply, readjusting the bag on her back, leaving a hand on the strap for grounding. Gareth shook his head slightly and placed his hand on his hips.

"Right this way," He breathed, growing increasingly vexed with the newcomer's dismissal. This time, she was led to what looked like a canteen, made out of an old factory (maybe? It was hard to tell), and this time she let herself sit down on a bench that had been shoved against the wall. Her bag was placed on the floor between her feet, never letting it get too far. The three pictures and a random bobby pin that she had no idea how it got there, that were folded in her back pocket were stabbing into her ass through her jeans but she didn't move. If she was going to get stolen from again, she would happily lose everything as long as she could keep those three photos. Gareth disappeared into a back room and she let her gaze slide around the room. It was barren but looked like it had been untouched by the dead. A few minutes stretched by and her knee began to bounce nervously, before he returned, holding a can of sweetcorn, top already taken off, and a glass of water. He handed it to her, and hesitantly she took it. Hell, she was starving.

(Y/N) dug in a second later, ravenous, and it would long before the can was empty. The leader was babbling on about the community and rules and all that bullshit. By god, that man could talk. She'd zoned out by now, more focused on getting fed and hydrated. She took a gulp from the glass, nearly emptying, and putting on an expression that made it seem like she was listening. Slowly, however, his words started to fade in and out, muffling and blending together. Her head felt light, and she felt like she could barely hold herself up. She felt so damn heavy. Her body fell to the side, lying on the bench. Gareth knelt down in front of her. There it was. Through her dotted vision, she could see the dark grin on his face, and a shiver ran down her spine. He'd put something in her food and water. That motherfucker.

"What the hell did-" (Y/N) started. She could hardly recognise her own voice. It was slurred and quiet, but still filled with the anger she'd hoped for. Well, if she was gonna die, he wanted her to know she was pissed about it. Gareth just stared her down, and eventually, she surrendered to the black dots. For Fuck's sake.

The faint noise of hushed chatter made (Y/N) lift her head from the floor. Shit that was a mistake. She scrunched her eyes back shut, trying to relieve her pounding headache. Slowly, she let herself open her eyes again, only to be met by the same darkness, bar a slither of light coming from under, what she assumed to be, a door. Everything fucking hurt, but she still pushed herself up, shuffling until she met a wall, to get grounding. The room couldn't have been very big, a storeroom or something? Well, at the very least, she knew she could trust her instincts. She saw something suspicious in Gareth and the motherfucker had drugged her. Asshole. The next question was, why the fuck had he drugged her? As if the people outside could read her mind, the door slammed open, flooding the room in sunlight, which made (Y/N) shut her eyes. Fuck that headache was killing her. Whoever had opened the door gripped her arm, jerking her out of the room across the rough ground and tearing her skin slightly. That was gonna sting later. She moved to fight back but found her wrists tied by course rope. How hadn't she noticed that? Probably the headache, damn it. When her eyes adjusted, they raised to glare at the person. Gareth. Of fucking course.

"Hey asshole," She quipped, giving him a sarcastic smile and he smiled, though there was no kindness in it. She heard him mumble something about being a smart ass before he lifted a bit of cloth from around her neck (when had that gotten there? Stupid drug side effects) she was tugged to her feet and shoved forward. (Y/N) had no idea where she was going, but the faces of the Terminus people read glad and... hungry? They had plenty of food in that pantry, more than (Y/n) had seen in a long time, why would they be hungry?

It wasn't long before her surroundings became gloomy and darkened as Gareth took her into another old looking warehouse. The corridor opened up to a large room, with different kinds of tools littering the walls and various tools, along with a long trough in the centre of the room. Oh fuck, oh no. Oh no no no. She'd been hunting with Daryl and Merle enough times to know exactly what this fucking meant. She was NOT going out like this, no fucking way. And definitely not without a damn fight She squirmed in his grip, launching her leg backwards to try and kick him, but Gareth managed to jump back just in time. He twisted her arm slightly in return and she released a grunt of pain, but didn't let up, turning, bending, kicking, just moving as much as she possibly could, shouting out, trying to backpedal. Anything to get away from that trough. There were two guys in the corner, bouncing on their heels and shuffling, clearly waiting for Gareth to ask them to step in.

"Stop, fucking stop," Gareth growled in her ear, pushing her forward even more, despite her struggling. She was getting closer, and closer and closer and she was running out of options. This was gonna hurt like a bitch. Better than getting eaten. With a deep breath, she threw her head back, smashing into his nose. Shit, shit, shit she was right that fucking hurt. Instinctively, he let go, swearing violently and she made a mad dash for the door. The likelihood of her actually getting anywhere, especially with tied hands and goons around every corner but hell if they thought she was gonna just lay down and let them kill her, they were wrong. She raced back down the route Gareth had just taken her, and she soon heard three sets of footsteps behind her. She managed to get outside, back to the courtyard she'd been in hours (maybe? she didn't really know how long she was out) earlier, before one of the men who'd been in the slaughter room tackled her to the floor. Well, there went another layer of her skin on the ground. Ow. Over the slight ringing in her ears (Y/N) could hear slightly panicked muttering from the small crowd in the courtyard. Gareth came over seconds later, towering over her, and she grinned at him upon seeing his bloodied nose and the drips of blood on the collar of his shirt. He gripped her shirt harshly and pulled her up and hurriedly pushed her towards the small storeroom she'd been in minutes earlier.

"What? Don't have the balls to try and kill me again?" She asked through the gag, which Gareth pulled down before shoving her down to the floor. He stood in the doorway, glaring down at her with a wild look in his eye. He crouched in front of her, and despite the fear snaking into her, she kept his gaze, smirking slightly.

"Oh, don't worry, we'll kill you. But, you see, we have some newcomers, who we've yet to break the news of how things work here. We don't need you scaring them off. You can stay here for a few days, let things calm down and then..." He trailed off and ran a finger along her cheek. (Y/N) moved her head away, sneering at him.

"And what happens if your new people don't agree with the way you run things? I mean, eating people? You're not that different from the snarlers," She asked, her voice slightly hoarse, but still full of venom. There was that flash of amusement on his face and he leant forward, right in her face. She narrowed her eyes, resisting the urge to smash her head into his nose again. That headache was still hammering behind her eyes and Jesus, it still hurt.

"If they don't agree, you can have some buddies joining you, and you can help the rest of us out," Okay that was just a weirdly cryptic way of saying they'd get eaten too. The leader was still too close for comfort, and she just looked at him, before spitting and narrowly missing his eyes. He snarled and stood up before slamming the door shut behind him and flooding the room with semi-darkness. Fantastic.

The only way (Y/N) was measuring time was the light underneath the door. It'd been around three days, and her arms had started cramping just hours after Gareth had shoved her back in that shithole. Thankfully, around halfway through day two, someone had come and untied her, only so she could eat, but her arms still felt tender. They fed her, and while most of it had expired, it was more than she'd eaten in weeks, and it made her the strongest she'd been in a while. The smell of her own vomit had made her nose numb, and honestly, she couldn't wait to get out even if it meant her becoming dinner. In the darkness and mostly silent room, she had nothing to do, other than getting lost in her thoughts. It was the only thing stopping her from going crazy.

"You're telling me that Merle got you this?" (Y/N) asked, about three years younger, looking back to an also younger Daryl. The pair were stepping through dead leaves, and moving past bushes. He looked over, moving his significantly shorter hair off his forehead.

"Ya really surprised by that?" He questioned, raising his eyebrows. He felt naked without his crossbow, but his girl was holding it tightly, he knew it was in good hands. She laughed quietly, as he led them to the makeshift target range he'd set up the day before.

"Don't really know why I'm surprised by it," She replied, moving slightly closer, and looking down at the crossbow. Her eyes were bright and full of excitement. (Y/N) had been begging her boyfriend for months to teach her to use the crossbow, or at the very least hunting. Not because she was actually particularly interested in it, but because it was such a big part of his and Merle's life. And when Daryl had learnt that, he damn near melted. Stupid, affectionate woman, she remembered him saying, despite the faint blush on his face. "Y'know my mom's been pestering me about getting you to teach her how to use this thing as soon as she found out you used a crossbow."

Daryl glanced over to her, his lips twitched upwards and shook his head. Her mom, Lily, was so sweet on him, and he wasn't quite sure why. However, it was clear that she hadn't been swayed by Merle yet. Couldn't exactly blame her though. His brother was an asshole at the best of times.

"She still movin' to South Carolina?" (Y/N) and Daryl kept walking, but he used a hand on her back to direct her more to the left. She nodded with a small grin but didn't say anything. They walked in comfortable silence, occasionally sneaking glances when the other wasn't looking before they reached their destination. There were various little targets, ranging between small empty bottles and bags full of rice or hay. Daryl took her into a small box on the floor made out of twigs so that there were bigger targets closer to her and smaller targets further away. He started explaining how to pull the string back to the latch, showing her and then letting her do it herself.

(Y/N) brought the crossbow up to rest near her shoulder, closing one eye to look down the arrow track as Daryl had instructed her.

"Merle ever show ya how to use a rifle?" Daryl inquired. He was stood right behind her, so her back was nearly pressed to his chest, and his head was hovering over her other shoulder.

"Would it be Merle if he hadn't?" (Y/N) shot back with a playful smirk and he just chuckled, reaching around and adjusting her grip on the crossbow. He placed his hands over hers, and he could already tell she'd be teasing him about it later, especially if she saw him blushing. Well, if she saw him, he could shoot back that she was blushing too. Win-win, he supposed

"Ya don't damn act like it. Y'ain't even holdin' it right," Daryl returned, but it was light and he wouldn't deny the grin on his face if she said anything. (Y/N) tightened her grip, finding comfort in his hands over hers, keeping her eye on the arrow track. "Now, ya gotta line up the bolt and the arrow track, and when ya think ya got it, ya pull the trigger."

(Y/N) couldn't deny how at home he seemed out there, in the wilderness, with his crossbow. He was content, as content as a Dixon could be at one time, and the way he hovered around her made her fight back a smile. The asshole was just adorable and he didn't realise it.

He watched as her eyebrows scrunched more in concentration, and he felt himself soften when she stuck her tongue out slightly. Fucking hell, she was gonna make his mean redneck facade crack. Not like it mattered, there wasn't anyone around.

With a deep breath, (Y/N) lined up the arrow track with one of the rice-filled bags closer to the box, and pulled the trigger. The bolt went flying out, and the string lurched forward, making her jump and Daryl let out a loud laugh at the movement. The bolt stabbed into the floor right beside the bag and she let out a huff.

"That's pretty good for a first try. I want ya to try and hit one of the bottles. Don't matter if ya miss," He said, short hair sticking to his forehead in the Georgia heat while he moved from behind her to go and retrieve the bolt. As he was getting the bolt, (Y/N) pulled the string back, so when he returned she slid the bolt along the arrow track. She stood back up, and Daryl returned to his place behind her. A few seconds later, the bolt whistled through the air, and once again narrowly missed the bottle. But she felt pride blooming in her chest. It was further away, after all! She turned to her boyfriend with an excited grin, happiness seeping from her and Daryl couldn't help but smile back at her.

They continued like this for a few hours, until (Y/N) arms started to hurt from holding the crossbow up, and they started heading back. She was trailing ahead of Daryl, back in that comfortable, and very frequent, silence. He had to admit, she was pretty damn good. Her aim wasn't bad and after some practice, she'd probably be as good as him. But the excitement she'd had even when she'd missed the targets, her grin every time she got a little bit closer, made his heart feel full. If he hadn't been certain before, he definitely was now. She was it for him. He was gonna marry her someday, even if it wasn't his thing. He was gonna be with her.

The ground-shaking below her feet and an ear-splitting explosion, as well as a faint flash of bright light under the door, knocked her to her side and pushed her from her reminiscing. What the fuck? Silence stretched for a minute before panic started, and footsteps raced past the door. (Y/N) pressed herself against the door, and a second bang went off, close enough to knock some debris into her door, and send it shooting open and slamming her back. She groaned, using the wall to stand up, but she shot behind the door when she heard the all too familiar noise of snarlers. A lone snarler stumbled past her door, and she banged her hand against the wall, just quiet enough for it to only lure the one. It paused and growled, turning into the room. (Y/N) slowly bent down and picked up the bit of debris from the floor, before stepping out and slamming the debris into the snarlers head before it had time to see her. There were more coming, the explosion would have lured them for miles and miles. She had to think fast, but with only the sharp bit of debris, that would definitely break soon, she didn't have many options. Fuck. She was gonna have to cut the snarler open. Great.

With a small shiver, and a pause much longer than she probably should have risked with the oncoming storm of snarlers, she lifted the snarlers ripped shirt and brought the debris down into its stomach. Resisting the urge to vomit (god she'd never get used to that smell), she pressed on until the debris snapped and she started pulling out guts. A disgusted noise escaped her as she started spreading the guts all over her body, along her arms and legs, and, unfortunately, her face too. (Y/N) couldn't resist a shudder as the smell got caught in her nose. Jesus, she couldn't wait to find a creek or a river already and wash this shit off. At least she could go out with the snarlers now, and maybe find a weapon, and maybe her stuff. Not that she had much worth saving. She had her pictures and right now, she was just grateful for that. After giving her lungs a much-needed breath of fresh air, she walked into the sunlight, squinting in the sun, at a snail-like pace. Blend in, please for the love of fuck, please blend in. (Y/N) turned a corner, and she couldn't stop herself from hesitated. Terminus was flooded. There was no fucking chance of her getting her stuff back. She had to get out. Gunshots were filling the air, doing nothing to deter the snarlers.

However, while the snarlers hadn't noticed her, someone from Terminus clearly had. A ginger woman surged forward towards her, knife in hand. Perfect. She immediately stretched her arm out to slash at her face, but (Y/N) managed to duck under her arm and grab it, but the woman twisted and pressed it forward. It inched closer and closer to her face, and a bit too close to her eye, and (Y/N) used the grip she had on her wrist to push it back. Apparently, their strengths were matched, since they didn't move for a second. She grunted lightly, before glancing down. While she was defending her face, this woman had left her legs undefended, and she smiled at her before kicking her knee, hard. The woman went down with a cry of pain, clutching her knee and allowing the knife to clatter to the floor and (Y/N) didn't hesitate to pick it up and stab it into the woman's temple. She let out a sigh, leaning on her thighs for a minute. Christ being locked in a tiny room for a few days and launching into the fight right after wasn't a good idea. The snarlers were getting closer, and (Y/N) plucked the gun from the woman's holster and walked forward, allowing herself to fall into the herd.

She was trying to follow the herd's direction while also looking for an exit. There was a lot of shouting and gunshots and screaming surrounding her, not to mention the groaning and growling of the snarlers, and it was getting harder and harder to decipher which direction any of it was coming from. Her eyes skimmed her surroundings. There had to be an exit somewhere. Right as she thought that, she noticed a gap in the fence, like someone, had torn through it and she started trying to move towards it, as much as she could without alerting the snarlers. Despite the loud noises surrounding her, one noise that was getting easier and easier to pick out were gunshots that were getting closer and closer and the herd getting shoved into two, like a twisted version of Moses splitting the sea. A group of maybe 12-14 people were sprinting through, moving too fast for her to really see them properly, shooting and slashing as they approached the fence. (Y/N) continued on in the herd, hoping she wouldn't get caught in their rampage. It wasn't until one of them got grabbed, a little boy, and was getting pulled forward by a snarler. Some cowboy looking guy froze in his tracks, probably his dad. But he wouldn't get there in time, she knew that. And she wasn't going to have another Anna. Not again. She rushed forward, raising her gun and shooting the snarler right between its eyes. The little boy stared up at her, fear and shock still present in his eyes and her eye softened, before the father came running up. The father pulled him away immediately and stared her down like she hadn't just saved his son's life. She narrowed her eyes and yelled "go!" and thankfully, they didn't hesitate in following her instructions. But now, the snarlers knew she wasn't one of them. She had to make a break for that gap. This would be fun.

(Y/N) felt dead on her feet. She'd been walking for days, and while she was sure it was gonna kill her eventually, every day she was closer and closer to Washington. Maybe another one or two days and she'd be there. Her supplies were running short again, not that she'd found many after Terminus. Most places had been picked clean by now. There had to be something in Washington. There had to be. And while the realist part of her knew she shouldn't get her hopes up, another part of her was really hoping that Daryl would have made his way North, and be there, with his weird attachment to his crossbow, and his much too short hair, and following behind her louder than life brother-in-law, and the fiddling of his wedding band whenever he was nervous, or angry, or even just lost in thought. She hadn't really let herself think about him much since the world had gone to shit, apart from in Terminus, and it made her heart hurt. He could be dead. He could have died months ago and she was just holding out false hope. Merle could be dead.

That only reminded her of why she hadn't let herself think of her family much. (Y/N) shook her head and focused on the woods surrounding her. There was a map tucked into the side of the worn backpack she'd found two nights ago, and there were a knife and a gun strapped around her waist. Like the rest of her resources, she was running low on bullets. Maybe ten or eleven bullets left. Knife work had become common practice unless she'd gotten caught in a tight spot, which thankfully hadn't been often. But with each day and the lack of supplies, she was getting weak again, and she knew if there was nothing in Washington, she would probably die. And it was fucking terrifying. She was just thanking whatever god, or lack of, was up there that her husband had taught her to track and to navigate the woods.

Nightfall was nearing, and (Y/N) had managed to find the ruins of an old gas station. If there'd been more choice, she would have found somewhere else. It was too similar to where she'd stayed with her group near the beginning. With Kai, her mom, Andrew... But there was nowhere else, and it was safe enough, so it would have to do. It beat sleeping in a tree again. Seriously, sleeping in trees was going to destroy her back. After clearing the gas station, and trying to barricade the doors as much as possible, she opened the latch of the room, closing it behind her, and climbed onto the roof. She placed her bag down on the roof, and hesitantly lay down, using her bag as a pillow, keeping her knife and gun close. Nowadays, as it had been further proved by Terminus, it wasn't just the dead she had to worry about. After a lot of tossing, turning, rumbling of her stomach and worrying, her body finally shut down, and she let herself sleep.

Dawn was barely breaking when she was woken by the sound of brakes squealing. Fuck. People weren't something that reassured her. Not anymore By instinct, the sleep was shaken from her body and the grogginess was non-existent as she crawled back to the latch, panic starting to rise in her chest.

"You're sure it was here you saw someone from Hilltop? Boss is coming to check it out himself," An unfamiliar, and much too loud considering how many walkers were around. The door of their vehicle was slammed shut.

" I saw 'em last night. Just the one, killed a couple dead fucks and barricaded the doors. Looked tired, sick, think they ran away from Hilltop or something," Another voice replied. Oh fuck. This guy had seen her. He had to know where she was. She was gonna have to have a mad dash for freedom. Carefully, she opened the latch, making sure to drop into a crouch when she got back into the store and tiptoed towards the backroom where the least barricaded door was, only made of a relatively flimsy. metal shelf Last night, she'd been too exhausted to barricade it properly, which now she looked back was unbelievably stupid, however it was also potentially saving her life now. The two voices continued as they got closer to the storefront, and (Y/N) used the little strength she had to push the barricade out of the way and opened the door. However in her rush to escape, she hadn't noticed the bit of broken metal jutting out of the shelf, so as she pushed her body against it, it torn through the side of her leg. Red seeped down her leg, making a small pool on the floor quickly. (Y/N), you fucking idiot.

"Fuck!" She whispered. Fucking hell that hurt! She moved to try and apply pressure but the sound of glass smashing in the front of the store made her freeze. She didn't have time to stop, she had to get out of here, even if it killed her. Something about the way these people talked alone felt off. Honestly, she wasn't sure if it wasn't just her paranoia at this point, but after Terminus and that night at the camp, she wouldn't risk it. Just as she limped outside, she heard another squeal and she could only assume another vehicle had pulled up. Her bag, her body, everything felt heavy as she stumbled forward and back into the woods. She wasn't getting far, but if she could get just far enough that she could hide, maybe she'd be okay. Knowing her luck, it wasn't damn likely. (Y/N) couldn't help but be hyper-aware of the blood trail she had to be leaving behind. She managed to get a fair distance before the pain searing up her leg stopped her, and she hid inside a bush. She didn't have any other options. She heard swearing and shouting, and some snarlers getting taken down and eventually, two men came barging out the partially open back door. One of them was holding a rifle, up and ready to shoot and the other one had a revolver. Both of them looked like the perfect example of someone who could ruin (Y/N)'s day.

They were looking around, still on guard, and it was clear they were looking for snarlers until she saw a new guy on the roof where she'd been just minutes ago and called down that she wasn't there. Well hell, they were definitely looking for her now. One hand was clutching her leg, desperately trying to stop the bleeding as much as possible so she didn't bleed out, while the other gripped her gun tightly, ready to fight if she had to. She had to bite her lip to stop her from crying out as she applied more and more pressure. It wasn't deep enough to have hit a vein, and she knew if she'd hit an artery she would already be dead and eating these fuckers, but it was deep enough to not stop bleeding with a little bit of pressure. Upon hearing that (Y/N) wasn't on the roof they cursed, and pressed further on and unluckily, nearer to her bush. Rifle guy whispered to revolver guy and revolver guy went back around the building towards where she assumed the vehicles were. Maybe he was going for the boss? She watched carefully, before letting her gaze fall back to her leg, applying more pressure and she was starting to taste something metallic in her mouth as well as she bit her lip harder. Apparently, that split second was all it took for the rifle guy to creep forward right in front of her bush. It made her think that they'd known where she was all along.

There was the end of a rifle right in her face when she looked up and she couldn't stop the alarm from spilling into her eyes as they met his. This guy had a smirk on his face, looking very accomplished. The living didn't want to give him a fucking break, did they? Knowing her chances against a rifle were disadvantaged, she stood up slowly from her hiding, wincing as she put a little pressure on her leg. The barrel followed her as she rose, even as she stumbled slightly on her injured leg. The pair stared at each other in a moment of tense silence, and she tried her hardest not to let her internal panic spread to the outside, and (Y/N) scowled at him, eyes sharp and narrowed. What she was about to do was the dumbest plan she'd ever had, but with a fucked up leg and nothing to patch her up, none of her options was looking particularly great. So, she quickly raised her gun and fired, so soon he only just reacted. The bullet skimmed his head, tearing a bit of skin from the side of it, and he tackled her, his rifle falling out of either of their reach, but not before catching her face and leaving a nick on her forehead. A cry, borderline scream, escaped her as his knee fell onto her wound, but she gritted her teeth and stretched to his belt where a knife was protruding. He pulled back, but she'd just managed to grab it and turned them around so she was straddling him awkwardly, her injured leg at an angle to avoid any pressure.

(Y/N) raised the knife to stab it down into his head, seeing an angry but smug expression on his face. She couldn't help but wonder how the fuck someone in his situation could be smug, but her question was answered by the clicking of four or five, as far as she could tell, guns.

"I'd drop that if I were you," Rifle guy smirked from underneath her, and she glared but reluctantly released the knife and let it drop. He shoved her off and she let out a grunt of pain. Shit that leg was going to get infected. Her gaze raised to look at the semi-circle of men around her, along with one woman, with dark-haired and bleached tips pulled into a bun and a deadly look in her eyes. The rifle guy stood up and picked up his rifle and joined his people. A slight glimmer in the corner of her eye in the dawn sun made her look up, and there he stood in dead centre. He clutched a barbed wire wrapped bat, a glove on the hand holding it, and she had to admire his weapon. It was pretty damn cool. Baseball bat guy was wearing a white shirt, super impractical for the apocalypse she couldn't stop herself thinking, with a leather jacket on top. His hair was dark, but greying along the sides and in his scruff. And he was grinning, and while there was no malice in it, it didn't make her feel at ease by any means. If anything, it made her squirm more. His eyes raked down her body and suddenly she felt small. He was a predator, and she was the prey. Oh fuck. He whistled, almost akin to that of a wolf whistle.

"God damn lady! If that didn't make my pants tight I don't, know what will! Adam, you should be ashamed. She nearly killed you, and she was fucking injured!" Baseball guy grinned, stepping forward swinging the bat slightly. (Y/N) didn't say a word, just glared at him and she saw entertainment dancing behind his eyes. He crouched in front of her. She was starting to get really sick of egotistical men who had a little bit of power over her crouching in front of her. Fucking condescending assholes. His eyes dragged down to her wound, and he pressed two fingers to it, making her hiss.

"Go to hell," She growled, leaning towards his face. If only to prove she wasn't intimidated despite the terror in her lungs. He let out a loud laugh. But unlike the murderers at camp or Gareth, it wasn't fake or dark. It was a genuine laugh. Somehow that worried her more.

"Is that any way to talk to your saviour?" He asked with a cockiness that made her skin crawl. Her glare deepened, and he removed his hand from her wound. He wiped his bloody hand on his jeans, before using it to grip her chin. She had to resist the urge to pull her face away. This guy was more dangerous than the other asshole men she'd met. He was calm but dangerous. Like a landmine that hasn't yet gone off. One wrong move and he'd explode. After a second her eyebrows raised in question. "If I hadn't come, you would have killed Adam, not that I could blame you," He leant forward to her ear whispering the next part "He's made moves on some of my wives before. You'd be doing me a favour. However, my loyal crew here would have had to kill you. But I sent my crew and stopped you, so you get to live. You should thank me."

With that last sentence, she was suddenly back nearly two years in front of a dim campfire, with Andrew and her mom at her side. Kai's body, wide-eyed and still bleeding, was slumped in front of her, her mom's throat was slashed and she was gurgling, trying her hardest to cry out. Andrew was beside her, the ghost of a triumphant grin on his face and a bullet between his eyes.

"Really you should be thanking us."

Baseball guy was watching her with a wide grin, as she came back to reality. She was trembling, and tears were building in the corner of her eyes. God damn it.

"Should have a stony as shit lady like you had met some fucked up people. The way I see it, you're in my debt," He heaved himself up with a deep sigh, still holding the barbed wire bat, which he placed beneath her chin, the spikes cutting and pricking her skin lightly. He clicked his tongue and his eyebrows flashed up quickly. "Hell, woman, you gotta stop giving me that look. Makes me wanna take you back home and fuck you six ways to Sunday."

It took every fibre in her body to stop her from shuddering, and she already knew that when the adrenaline ran out she would be having some form of breakdown. That would be fun

"But, we can discuss that later," He said with a wink "As I was saying, you're in my debt, and you have two ways to pay it off."

"Which are?" She ground out, pressing harder on her wound. Oh, she was definitely going to pass out from blood loss soon. She was already starting to feel woozy.

"See fellas! This is what I mean when I say I want direct! Goddamn, I can tell you are gonna fit right in!" (Y/N)'s unamused look made Baseball guy laugh heartily before continuing on "You can either join us, work for me, we break you down and you become my soldier. Maybe if I'm lucky I can convince you to become a lovely wife for me," He shot her a wink and words of rejection were already building on her tongue "Or, we kill you. Right here and now and leave you for the dead fucks."

Well. She probably should have seen that coming. Men like him wanted few things, and they usually fell along the same lines. From the way he spoke, while he was brash, vulgar and clearly larger than life, he seemed to have a vague, fucked up, set of morals. While he'd talked about fucking her, he'd never suggested forcing it upon her. But she could never be too careful. (Y/N) knew if she tried to run, she wouldn't get anywhere and they'd kill her anyway. Maybe if she went with them, they would patch her up, she'd work there for a while and make an escape. Maybe this guy was just an asshole and his community wasn't bad. From the look of his crew, not likely. Once again, she had limited options. She was getting sick of being in these situations. Baseball guy was watching her, glee in his eyes. However, he was growing impatient, and she could tell when he pushed the barbed wire slightly more into her chin, tearing into her skin, that she knew she had to give him an answer. (Y/N) wasn't stupid enough to deny she was scared. If she wasn't full of so much adrenaline, she would probably be paralysed by it. But she looked up at him, as much as she could with the barbed wire pricking her chin and met his eyes.

"I'll join you."

Being in that room felt too much like Terminus. If it hadn't been for the stitches in her leg, her brain could have tricked her into thinking she was there. It was silent, more so than Terminus. At Terminus, she could at least hear people in the courtyard and walking past the door. She could keep track of time through the sunlight under the door. Here, there was nothing. No light. No noise. Nothing. She didn't know how long she'd been there. They fed her, and at least here the food wasn't expired and once in a while (once a day maybe?) some guy in a scientist coat came in to check and change her bandages. The doctor had told her that Baseball guy was called Negan, but everyone was Negan, which made no fucking sense but she was sure it would in time, and they were in 'The Sanctuary'. Narcissistic bastard. (Y/N) had a strong suspicion that he wasn't supposed to be telling her by the hushed voice he used, but she didn't reject the information. It was the most someone had talked to her in days (hours? Who fucking knew anymore). There had been six doctors visits, so maybe six days if she was right about the time frame, until they pulled her out.

Danica was still storming ahead, but Ben had fallen back to walk beside (Y/N) and Lily, who had an arm around her daughter as she worked through the shock.

"Thank you for saving our asses back there," (Y/N) mumbled quietly and Ben looked to her with a small smile. He shrugged, and turned back to his sister, keeping a careful eye on her. She was pissed, and she got reckless when she was pissed.

"Don't worry about it. Maybe you can save my ass in the future as payback," He quipped lightly, and a small giggle escaped Lily. They were deep in the woods by now, and the dim flashlights Danica and Ben were holding were the only things stopping them from being completely blind. (Y/N) smiled at him. He seemed sweet, unlike his bitchy companion.

"Maybe," She responded faintly. Milky white eyes kept flashing in front of her, guts spilling from a stomach and she shook her head viciously to remove the image. Ben's face suddenly fell, and his eyebrows furrowed as he began running towards Danica. Lily and (Y/N) followed soon after as soon as they saw Danica holding someone at gunpoint. There were four of them, one of them stood in front, wearing a military-style uniform, holding a gun and a military-grade backpack on their back. Two of them stood in front of a little girl, no older than 6 or 7. One of them had short ginger hair with thick eyebrows, looking stony and glaring at Danica. The other kept his hand hovering near the ginger guy and the other hand in front of the kid. He had long, shoulder-length green hair that was starting to fade. (Y/N) rushed to Danica's side, narrowing her eyes at the strangers.

"Hey, hey, hey, look we don't want no trouble. Just wanna get down ta Georgia," The military one said, attempting to defuse the situation, placing the gun down on the floor.

"We have a kid for fuck's sake," The ginger one snapped and (Y/N) looked to Danica. When she didn't move to put the gun away, she put a hand on her arm to get her to lower it. Danica glared daggers at her but hesitantly lowered the gun. The little kid was looking scared, but she had these big green eyes. (Y/N) was never one for kids, she and Daryl had had that discussion before, but she was cute, and she could see herself getting attached to her.

"Hey, alright, it's okay. We just had a tough time, we're all a little on edge. I'm (Y/N) Dixon, this is my mom, Lily, and these two are Danica and Ben," (Y/N) introduced trying to give them a reassuring smile. The tension in the green-haired guy's shoulders deflated slightly and the little girl moved forward a little.

"I'm Kai Thompson," The military one smiled, picking their gun back up and shoving it in their holster. "This is Andrew and Oliver Stewart, and their daughter Anna."

Lily crouched down in front of Anna giving her a little grin, as she moved from behind her dads. She extended a hand to the little girl who took it reluctantly. Her dads were watching carefully, still not trusting her entirely.

"Heya Anna, I'm Lily," She said softly, shaking her hand gently. (Y/N) folded her arms slowly, giving the group a once over, and she noticed how Ben kept his hand over his knife.

"Where y'all headed?" Kai asked, and (Y/N) could pick out that strong Georgia drawl anywhere. It only made her think of Daryl and Merle, out in the middle of nowhere, possibly dead by now. She had to get home.

"Down to Georgia, you?" Ben replied, raising his eyebrows. (Y/N) could feel eyes burning into the back of her head and it didn't take a genius to figure out it was Danica.

"Us too. Meant to be a safe zone in Atlanta," Kai answered, finally dragging their eyes away from Danica. There was a look of budding trust in their eyes, and (Y/N) could tell that they were going to keep each other safe.

When the door creaked open, (Y/N) squinted at the artificial light that flooded the room. Oh, this was way too much like Terminus. A deep chuckle made it abundantly clear about who was standing in the doorway, despite her current lack of sight. As her eyes adapted, she saw him extending a hand to her to help her up.

"C'mon gorgeous, think you've spent enough time in this shithole. Much too disgusting for a lady like you," Negan smirked, and she glared back at him but took his hand. He helped her to her feet, catching her as she toppled slightly on her bad leg. She could tell he was resisting the urge to make a shitty joke about 'falling for him' and she was glad he didn't say it. If he had, she probably would have hit him and sealed her fate as dead.

"Where are we going?" (Y/N)'s throat felt like acid, as she limped beside him. He was leading her back through the corridors deep in the Sanctuary and upstairs, which took her much longer than she'd hoped. Despite how long it took her, Negan didn't lose his patience this and with him still clutching that damn bat, that she'd learnt he called Lucille, she had to be grateful. He was even helping her when he could. However, after being alone for so long, she hated herself for relying on someone else, especially someone like him.

"You've got a big test, beautiful. Gotta make sure you belong here. And I really hope you do, because I wanna pound into you at least once even if you won't marry me," Negan grinned and part of her wished she were still in that cage. Sure, she was convinced she was going crazy in there, but at least she was away from his uncouth comments.

"Not interested," (Y/N) shot back, almost immediately, narrowing her eyes. That only made Negan laugh again, helping her up a small set of stairs.

"Well, that's a damn shame. Never say never though, princess. I'm sure I can convince you," Did he ever stop talking? She knew he was trying to get under her skin, and unfortunately, he was succeeding.

"You've got other wives, fuck them instead," She snapped, sarcastically. Shit, her smart mouth was going to get her killed someday. Pick your damn battles (Y/N).

"Just cause I've got wives doesn't mean I can't mess around some, right darling?" He returned. That cocky grin didn't fall from his face, but there was danger hiding in his eyes. Stop pushing, stop pushing.

"Clearly we have different definitions of marriage," With her response, Negan's eyes darted to her ring finger and he chuckled humourlessly when he saw the silver band. Well, she had just shown her hand. Good fucking job.

"Married, huh? What a shame. Always the hottest ones that are taken. He still out there?" He asked, voice light with glee but she looked away, glaring and biting her tongue. To (Y/N)'s relief, he dropped the subject as they reached a huge room, once again looking a bit too similar to the empty warehouses of Terminus.

Negan removed his hand from hers and moved her to be leant against the metal railing. Below them most if not all of the Saviours were gathered, looking scared and confused, and there was a guy tied to a chair in the dead centre of the group. (Y/N) managed to pick out a small huddle of women, all wearing strappy black dresses and tall heels. His wives. The thought made her squeamish as she looked at the discomfort on their faces. All of a sudden, he slammed Lucille on the metal railing beside her, making her jump out of her skin. He placed a hand on her back, but she limped to the side, just out of his reach. She didn't want his filthy hands on her. Everyone's heads shot up, and they fell to one knew. What kind of cult-level shit was this?

"As all of you know, when we save someone new, when we get a new recruit... they have to prove their loyalty. You know what's about to happen, and you know it isn't going to be pretty. But we got a rule breaker in our midst and a new recruit, so why not kill two birds with one stone?" Negan started down the stairs just beside where (Y/N) was positioned, and she watched him cautiously. "Now, I wish I could let this slide, I wish I could ignore the rules, but this man here betrayed us. Our little AJ here decided he didn't want to spy on our friends at the Kingdom anymore and made a runner! Now, you all know that one of the things I can't stand is a traitor. We're all we have in this shitty world and we can't be turning our backs on one another! Why can't I ignore our little rule-breaker here?"

"The rules keep us alive!" Seriously, this had to be a cult. (Y/N) didn't know how much longer she could stay here. They were all fucking insane.

"That's right! We survive, we save others, we bring civilisation! Rules keep us alive," The guy in the chair, AJ, eyes were darting around, filled to the brim with terror. "And we need to show that to our newest member! So, it's time to punish our dear AJ, and time for our newest member to prove her loyalty. Arat, hand me the saw."

The woman (Y/N) had seen at the gas station the other day strutted over, handing Negan a sharp saw, with the hint of a smirk on her mouth. God, what was wrong with the people here? (Y/N) felt her blood run cold as Negan took the saw and stepped towards AJ, who was starting to panic, wriggling in his bonds. Negan looked up to her, and he stifled a laugh at how tense she was. Without any other words, Negan pulled AJ's sleeve up, and rest the saw on his arm. He wasn't. He couldn't. But she was wrong. Negan brought the saw down, slicing it into the guy's arm. AJ let out a blood-curdling scream, and (Y/N) felt her blood run cold. Her eyes were wide, and she could feel panic sinking into her lungs. There was red everywhere, dripping down his arm, onto the floor, staining Negan's shirt, his scruff, his jacket. He just kept screaming and screaming and screaming. She couldn't breathe. The sickening noise of bones snapping and seperating, of flesh tearing filled the air. What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.

Eventually, the guy passed out, just as Negan yanked his dismembered arm off. (Y/N) was frozen in spot. What the fuck, what the fuck. He looked at her again grinning and used AJ's arm to wave at her. (Y/N) managed to drag her eyes away and looked around the room. The saviour's faces were all blank, no one showing any emotion apart from Negan's wives, who were crying in horror.

"Doc, take him away, fix him up. Fellas, bring it in!" The doctor who had been checking (Y/N)'s leg started untying AJ and quickly whisked him away on a stretcher that had been placed to one side. There was an all too familiar noise of a snarler behind her, and (Y/N)'s head snapped to look at the doorway Negan had to lead her through earlier, and there stood two saviours leading a snarler on a weird adapted leash. It was reaching out, teeth-gnashing, and she tried to scurry back, but her stupid leg decided she had moved too quickly. She tripped and started to fall back but was stopped by Negan once again. She hadn't heard him come back upstairs, but to be fair she was more focused on the snarler. He wrapped an arm around her waist while she tried to move away, and she thrashed slightly. She had no fucking weapon, what the fuck was he doing? She couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't breathe.

"See, if you're going to be one of us, you can't be afraid to get your hands dirty, and do every little task I ask of you," Negan announced, handing AJ's arm to her. "Feed it to the dead fuck."

"You alright, princess? You look pale," Negan asked. He'd moved her to what looked like a meeting room after she'd...

(Y/N) didn't say a word. She still hadn't fully comprehended what just happened and she was just staring at the floor, silently. She couldn't reply. Even if she wanted to. Red everywhere, flesh tearing, bones cracking and creaking. Negan walked over to where she sat, placing Lucille on the table right in front of her, before he placed his hands on her shoulders, to which she'd flinched much to his satisfaction, and leant down next to her ear.

"Okay, better question. Who are you?" He whispered, and she squirmed at the feeling of his breath on her neck.

"I'm Negan."

"Hey Spencer, are Aaron and Eric back yet?" (Y/N) questioned, jogging over to the gate. They should have been back two days ago, but the storm must have stopped them and she couldn't deny how worried she'd been. Deanna had let her into Alexandria about two weeks ago, just after Negan had sent her on her task. She shouldn't be getting attached. She knew that. And she knew it would make it all hurt later, but despite how weak everyone in this place, and how little they knew of the struggles outside the walls, they were the first trustworthy people she'd met since Kai and the others. Spencer let out a heavy sigh, rolling his eyes.

"If they'd been back, do you think you wouldn't be the first to know?" He snapped, and she raised her eyebrows, daring him to keep pushing. She'd beaten his ass twice before, she would happily do it again. The way he and his brother dealt with runs was ridiculous, and they'd fought over it on more than one occasion. Deanna had nearly kicked her out the second time it got ugly.

In the short time she'd been there, she'd found herself growing close to Aaron and Eric. When she arrived, Deanna could sense something was suspicious about her. As much as the woman irritated her, (Y/N) couldn't deny her sharp wit. She'd put her in with Aaron and Eric after the latter had offered, in some weird hope that they would stop her from getting into trouble. (Y/N) had to hand it to her, apart from a few odd occasions, the couple had been keeping her out of fights, especially when she first joined the community. After so long out there, she was always on guard, and while she didn't think she'd be able to ever get rid of that, she felt safer here. From the snarlers at the very least.

After Nicholas walked over to take his shift on guard duty, Spencer shoved past her. That guy had serious issues. With a small sigh, (Y/N) turned around and walked back into her neighbourhood. She had to get back to her job. Even though she'd hated the idea of working again, of pretending that the world hadn't gone to hell, after a few days, she had started falling into a routine. Since she had much more experience out there than anyone in the whole of Alexandria (not even Eric or Aaron really had any idea what it was like despite being out there so often), she went on runs with Spencer, Nicholas and Aidan, though she knew there was something slightly fishy going on there. Half the time Aidan and Nicholas would wander off somewhere and leave her with Spencer. Spencer only came on runs sometimes, but he would share looks with the other men before they left. Part of her had been tempted to go with them, but she got an awful feeling that prying would do her little good. Especially if they started prying into her business because of it. That would get them killed. And probably her too.

Every week, she had to meet someone from The Sanctuary with information about Alexandria. He needed to know whether it was worth making a deal with them. At first, it had been every two days, and Negan had come himself, to ensure she didn't try anything. But after a few days, he started sending random Saviours, most of which she'd never seen before and extended the time between. She hated them. Every inch of her soul hated herself for ever accepting Negan's offer. She should have died that morning. That would have been better than living with the constant crawling guilt every time anyone showed her any kindness. Or the nightmares of AJ and that snarler that would haunt her every time she closed her eyes. Part of her was tempted to run away, but she knew they'd find her. Negan wouldn't let her go, now he had her unless she was very lucky. But as she'd learnt the past few years, she definitely wasn't.

When she wasn't on runs, she was helping run Alexandria, not that Deanna ever realised it. (Y/N) had learnt that suggesting was more effective than demanding. If she made it sound like it was Deanna's idea, it was more likely to get through to her. That was the only reason some of her ideas had even gotten put into place, like putting locks on houses of the elderly to lock at night in case they passed and turned in their sleep.

"(Y/N)!" A familiar voice sounded and (Y/N) turned around to see Enid jogging over. The teen was known to be extremely antisocial, and according to one of Jessie's sons, Ron, it had taken her nearly three weeks to say anything when she first joined. But for some reason, she'd gotten attached to (Y/N), and she stuck by her as much as she could. Maybe it was the fact that they both knew how much the post-apocalyptic world outside the walls sucked. Enid came to walk beside her as she started heading back to the house she shared with Aaron and Eric. God, she had to stop getting attached. They would hate her later.

"You doing okay, kiddo? I thought Pete was meant to be teaching you and Denise some medical crap?" (Y/N) questioned, shoving her hands in her pockets. Enid shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"He was, but he only wanted to teach Denise because I'm 'just a kid'" She grumbled, using sarcastic air quotations that made (Y/N) chortle. Enid gave a small smile, one that only (Y/N) really got to see.

"Well, kid, you already know how I feel about that man," The two continued walking, exchanging repetitive conversation about the pantry, Pete, Enid bitched about Ron and Sam before they reached her house. They stepped inside and collapsed onto the couch.

"Hey, I was wondering, next time you're on a run, could you try and grab some more comics? I've nearly read all mine, and Sam keeps stealing them," Enid asked, bashfully and (Y/N) smiled. The kid played adult more often than not, and it was nice seeing her actually acting like a child.

"Of course, Enid, I'll see what I can find," She answered, and Enid went to thank her when Denise came crashing through the front door, making the pair jump to their feet. Shit, walkers? An attack?

"They're back and Eric is in the infirmary, c'mon!" Denise dashed off again, and (Y/N) was hot on her heels, sprinting to the infirmary. What the hell did that idiot do now? How bad was he injured? When they reached the infirmary, (Y/N) didn't pause for even a second, and went barreling to Eric's side. Pete was hovering near his feet, but she couldn't help but notice how deathly pale her friend was.

"What did you do, you dumbass?" She demanded, but Eric could hear the pure relief in her voice, and he smiled back at her, despite the small glare on her face.

"Just took a page out of your book," He teased, but let out a groan as Pete started setting his ankle, which she was starting to guess was broken.

"Be careful, asshole," She hissed, and Pete sent her a deathly glare. Eric put a hand over hers, to reassure her. She knew it wasn't Pete's fault, but she was still winding down from the worry.

After about half an hour, Eric was moved home, with the help of Denise, Enid and (Y/N), and she hadn't moved from his side, except to get him anything he needed. Enid had left to give them some space. According to Eric, Aaron had found a new group of about 14 people, and at some point, they'd split up and half of them had found and saved him from getting eaten by snarlers. She made a mental note to thank them later. Aaron had gone with the group for their interviews. Yeah, she remembered hers. Even then she'd found Deanna pretentious. Eric was the one who noticed Aaron walking back to the house, and he laughed when (Y/N) sprinted out of the house to nearly tackle him in a hug. Aaron had to step back a few steps so he didn't fall over, and he was more than a little surprised. She didn't show affection very often, but he supposed he'd probably scared her by being out for so long. Over his shoulder, she couldn't help but notice some kid in a sheriffs hat with his dad. Hell, he looked a lot like that kid from Terminus. But she was probably imagining it.

"You can't just stay in here until my ankle heals, you need to leave, do your job, actually talk to people. Besides, Denise is bringing my crutches later," Eric stated, folding his arms. Aaron was stood behind him from where he sat on the couch, and they were ganging up on her.

"When you first got here, we didn't stay here every day while you had that gash in your leg," Aaron agreed, and (Y/N) started messing with her ring absently, narrowing her eyes.

"You barely knew me then. It's been two weeks and I know you better now," She shot back, starting to pace slightly.

"Okay, look. If you go out for at least an hour, you can come back and check on me. I can survive for an hour, as long as I have a book or something," Eric tried to reason, and (Y/N) paused, holding his gaze. Fuck, they weren't going to let this go until she went outside. It was two against one, and she wasn't going to win this one.

"Alright, fine. One hour, but then I'm coming right back," She snapped grumpily, and the men both grinned. "But let it be known, I'm not happy about this."

"Oh, believe me, we know," Aaron laughed, before kissing Eric's cheek and heading out the door. (Y/N) went to walk out but Eric caught her arm.

"I'll be fine, (Y/N). I promise," He stated and she sighed, leaning down to give him a brief hug before nodding and waking out the door after Aaron. He was stood out front, talking to a large group. Must be the new group, since she knew all the faces here by now. The kid (Y/N) had seen yesterday raised his arm, waving at her with a kind smile, and she waved back, beaming. Then it dropped and she froze, as her eyes caught with some in the small crowd. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. She had to be hallucinating. This couldn't be real

"Daryl?" She heard someone say, but it sounded like her. She couldn't move. This was it. She'd lost her mind, she'd gone crazy. She felt her eyes building with tears, as the breeze blew her hair into her face.

His crossbow, the one he'd taught her how to use so many years ago now, fell to the ground with a clatter, and suddenly he was moving, running, closer and closer until he stopped right in front of her. Her eyes darted all over his body. This felt so real. Could it be real? There was a moment of dead silence between them, where she couldn't hear the confused muttering of the group behind her. Where she couldn't see the wide grin on Aaron's face as he put the pieces together. Then suddenly, Daryl launched forward, yanking her into him so tightly she thought she felt her ribs creak.

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. She wasn't crazy. He was there, he was right fucking there, holding her so tightly, a hand on the back of her head keeping her locked against him. Her fingers stabbed into the back of his vest, and she was whispering against his neck without even realising it.

"You're alive, you're alive, you're here," Over and over. She could feel him trembling and tears dripping onto her neck but she didn't care. Her Daryl was alive. Her husband was alive.

"Holy shit," Daryl choked out, and she felt like she could have cried. She never thought she'd hear that gruff, southern drawl again. She let out a teary laugh and she pulled back just enough so she could see him properly. Her hands drifted from his back to hold his cheeks, thumbs running over his cheeks, still laced with dirt and grime.

"If you haven't brushed your teeth, I'm going to kill you, Dixon," She said with a smile before she tugged him forward into a rough kiss. His hands shifted to her hips and he held on so tightly. Like she would disappear if he let go for even a second. Behind them, she could hear Aaron's voice, filled with glee, and the voice of a woman in a similar tone. Confused voices, borderline shouting, and the sound of footsteps running over. But none of it mattered.

He was alive.

TAGS: OPEN

Tags (for this series): @graniairish @fuseburner @gloomystorm @bxxbxy @browneyes528 @hoemadegrace

(Some of the tags didn’t work last chapter for some reason I’m sorry!)

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tatianafarenheit · 3 years ago

Text

Devourer (open ending)

TW: GORE, slight lime,

It was pouring. The wind was howling woefully while it quickly rushed trought the trembling leafs of the Wangshu Inn’s Foundation of a tree. Even the sound of the other travelers, stopping for the night, was drowned by the white noise that rang trough-out the halls of the Inn, creating a terribly uncomfortable sensation of chaos. Xiao hated these kind of nights where the inn was bustling more than usual, and the fact that his only remaining comrade from the war was near him did not comfort him either.

He felt restrained almost rigid at the heavy awkwardness that strangled the room for the past two hours. Neither him or Yanay said a single word since they first reunited and Xiao’s mind was near overheating while trying to think of something to say.

His attempts where rewarded with emptiness and that frustrated him. He hated feeling like a kid, palms almost sweaty because he could not communicate with the only being that experienced the same pain he did, the only being who also had to witness the same horrors of war and was unfortunate enough to live on to tell the story.

Truth be told, they didn’t end on the best terms. Xiao blamed Yanay for years for the cause of his comrades deaths and vice versa, only to realize later that the person to blame was the misleading messenger between them. Yanay didnt in fact given the wrong orders, the messenger did and Xiao in fact did not leave his friends to die because he ran off, he was just too late to help.

Every since the truth emerged the both of them felt uncomfortably awkward next to each other, stuck between feeling a need to apologize and not wanting to open the wound that the sorrowful memories left behind. How easy it would be if stolen glances could be an actual form of communication. Yanay hearts raced while looking at Xiao, she felt a painful voide eating away at her heart while she looked at the broken man, a small fragment of what he used to be, almost like a living memory of the past, a guardian cursed to carry and reopen his old wounds each time he looked around him. Every single fragment of Liyue was a breathing reminder of what happened upon its lands all those years ago.

Yanay managed to find herself a new purpose, or more like the purpose found her. Ningguan found the resentful and nugatory girl and could not help but see potential in her, a woman that only needed someone to open her eyes. Ningguan offered her a job and a promise of a new start, a painfully docile life, she promised she would never have to suffer again and so Yanay followed her. Ningguan’s helping hand helped Yanay wake up, but only by her own will did she only find herself again, patching up her still bleeding old wounds hoping that one day they would stop…but they still bleed to this day.

Thats the difference between Xiao and Yanay is that Xiao accepted it, came to terms with the brokenness his whole existence represents, he got accustomed to the horrible misey that chews and spits him out every time he breathes, so accustomed to it to the point he doesnt feel it anymore. Yanay on the other hand could not, her mind still whispers menacingly to her, each time her eyelids tremble shut, the terrifying truth she had to endure. And each time, she fights it, she refuses it wholeheartedly, her resistance only making everything burn even more and even deeper.

“Im going to sleep” Yanay whispered and Xiao heard it, looking away and only giving a hum as a response. He felt bad, truly, he wish he could speak to her more, to apologize, to tell her that he can be there- but his savage heart wont let him, his prode chaining his mouth shut so he could not get himself hurt more. He tried to justify his actions by saying things such as ‘she wouldn’t care anyway’; ‘it would not help her so whats the point?’ But Xiao forgot to consider how much Yanay cared for such small things, how much she cherished in the back of her rotting soul the fact that someone thought that she deserved an apology.

Yanay laid down, her back facing Xiao, afraid of letting him see her composure falling apart each second she was next to him. And so with one last heavy puff of air her eyes closed. Xiao soon followed laying as far away as possible from her.

Xiao was awoken by the sound of the sheets being tousled around and as he looked in Yanays direction he could only see her figure hunched over. “Why are you awake?” He said in a gruff voice, slight annoyance tainting his tone from being awoken this early in the night. What he saw next made him freeze up, his blood turned cold and eyes froze open. Yanay looked back at him with tears in her wide eyes “Take them away-“ she barely whispered, her voice trembling along with the hands that gripped her sides in a crushing strenght.

Xiao felt like his world crashed down onto him, his veins thinning as he looked the the now seemingly vulnerable woman in front of him. His whole idea of who Yanay is was completely ruined, hes never seen her like this. So fragile and so… brittle- It was almost like someone’s possessed her body.

“You can eat dreams, right? Please-“ the girl cut herself short, her eyes scanning him frantically. She knew she was asking for too much, she felt it so deep in her bones that they felt like they might snap-. “I know im asking for too much but please- take them! Devour them until theres not even a single one that escapes!” Her voice was getting more and more unstable, her gaze running over the room back and forth, avoiding his apparent burning gaze. He just stared for a second, it all felt unreal to him. His breathing got labored and heavy as he saw the marking scene before him. A warrior turned to a broken maiden, looking for a kind of alleviation that only he could bring her.

Yanay took his silence as a refusal, her cheeks burning with embarrassment as she turned back to her hunched position. His gaze felt unbearably heavy on her back, almost quelling her to the point she felt minuscule. “Never mind- it was stupid of me to ask that. Please forget i ever said anything.” There it goes again, the voice Xiao was so accustomed to. He couldn’t help but feel a wave of disappointment wash over him.

Without rationality he reached out to her, his fingers grabbing onto her shoulder and turning her around a bit more harshly than what he meant.

Yanay jumped, her composure falling apart by his own hand. “Tell me what dreams im looking for..” his voice was awfully soft, so soft that it made a small electric string run up Yanay’s spine, a wave of ecstasy running over her body. But once the realization of what he really asked hit her, her eyes turned dark and cold. The kind of eyes Xiao used to have, so he immediately knew what he had to look for. “I will help you but-“ it was now his turn to look away in embarrassment, his face feeling way too scorching all of the sudden.

Yanay stared at him and thought of how she’s never looked at him in this kind of light before, he was absolutely breathtaking and innocent, not a shred of bad ill painted onto his face and so yet again she felt selfish for never trying to understand him- and now- here she is, asking him to do something that he most likely won’t enjoy. “Its gonna be a hell of a lot to take in, not only for you but me as well.” He continued and turned back to look at her. She almost gasped once her eyes met his, shes never seen them so close in order to see the true intensity they held. His gaze pierced trough her with such power that her breathy hitched. She only nodded. Xiao sighed, his fingers now trembling onto her skin knowing that whats about to come wont be able to be erased. Yanay’s perception of him was about to change even more.

“Turn around for me..” his voice was almost a whisper but still so moving that it made goosebumps rise on Yanay’s skin. She eagerly complied, her shoulders relaxing under his vexing touch. As she tuned around the sound around her began to fade, her attention fully concentrated onto Xiao. The next thing she felt was his chest pressed against her back, so tender yet so much pressure. She had to restrain herself from releasing a shuddered gasp once his body connected to hers. Her skin lit up, nerves trembling deliciously. Xiao felt it too, his eyes closing shut as he bit back a groan, his hands rose next to Yanays own hands, almost afraid of touching her thinking that shes gonna break. He was afraid that she’s gonna be repulsed by his touch but nonetheless he placed his hands in front of Yanay’s torso. “Grab onto one of my hands and relax into me.” He said again, his breath gently caressing Yanay’s ear shell.

Yanay’s lucidity began to dissolve, he was so close oh so close that if she turned around she could kiss him…to bad that will never be an option. After regaining a fracture of her rationality back, she complied to his words, her hand gripping one of his while she relaxed fully into him. His other hand gripped her jaw and moved it so that her face was right under his. Her eyes opened and looked at Xiao with such an irresistible innocence that he almost lost it. It was refreshing to see his comrade so complying and so sweetly vulnerable. Xiao leaned his head in, his lips barely above hers, so close that she could feel the heat coming from his face.

“Tell me when you if want me to stop..” he said against her lips before they met. Yanay’s heart felt like it was imploding, beating so hard and fast that it almost punched trough her ribcage but what came next took Yanay by surprise even more. Her limbs started to feel like putty, so soft and light. While her mind started to become intoxicated and slow, she wasn’t thinking of anything but Xiao and the overwhelmingly pleasurable feeling that started to spread inside her. It almost felt like and aphrodisiac, her body disconnecting from her mind, detaching so much that it almost felt like another person possessing her body. Xiao felt the affects too, his hand gripping Yanay’s jaw harder as he leaned his head in more, deepening the kiss, his tongue running hungrily over hers. While he knew that he was supposed to focus only on devouring Yanay’s horrible nightmares he couldn’t help but indulge in the sweet release that she was, a breath of fresh air. He wanted to claim her, to make her heal him with just her presence and maybe he could help her by erasing every parasitic nightmare that plagued her thoughts every night, but that wouldn’t be healthy and he knew it.

Yanay tried so hard to grip onto her lucidity but the more she tried the damned thing ran further and further away. Her flesh felt like smoldering cinder while her stomach felt like a void, it felt like feathers were running over her skin. She was so overwhelmed that she almost passed out from the electrifying feeling that he induced. Xiaos hand left hers and opted for her waist, digging his fingers in and dragging her torso impossibly closer to his. She was so delicious that it drove him mad, forget the damned nightmares he wanted to devour her. To rip her ignorant facade apart and watch her true face show itself from the ruins that he alone tore down.

His hunger was cut short when he finally reached the nightmares he was looking for and they were exactly as he expected. Corpses rotting on the muddy field while tired soldiers pushed on whith their last breath, people screaming and crying and the worst of all, the feeling of being helpless, powerless, the feeling of having to watch knowing you cant change a god damn thing.

He couldnt stand looking at the dreadfully realistic replicas of the past so he started tearing them down, devouring the from the most affecting ones to the lesser. He tore them down with each movemnt of his lips against hers and she couldnt have been more grateful. Suddenly his kisses turned from exhilarating to melting. His movements so soft and tender that Yanay felt like she was about to burst. She never realized how much she craved this feeling before and now- now she couldnt get enough of it, she was frightened that if he touched her like that one more time shed forever be bound to him, craving him each second of her existence. Her hand slowly moved to the nape of his neck, softly caressing his satin like hair.

Xiao couldnt do anything but melt under her gentle touch, his mind finally going at ease after all of these tormenting years he had to indure all alone. Afraid as if shed disappear from his desperate clutch, he held her closer, relishing into this intoxicatingly serene moment. Oh how he truly wished they could stay like this more…

#angst #fluff #xiao fluff #genshin impact #xiao x you #xiao x oc #limeish #xiao x reader #adeptus xiao

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jadespadegames · 3 years ago

Note

5 and/or 7 for the writer ask?? :0

Cass bless you for asking aaa

(Fic ask game)

5: Share a snippet that you’re proud of from an upcoming fic/chapter.

DAMN CASS YOU REALLY WANT A THV PREVIEW SNIPPET HUH

(For those who don't know, I am rebooting my fanfic, more info in my pinned post.)

PLEASE DON'T COUNT ON THIS SCENE STAYING THE SAME IN THE FINAL PRODUCT BUT ANYWAY CRINGE PARAGRAPHS FROM MY FAIL WRITING

MonoWither backed away from the throne as three ghostly vexes, which looked like smaller versions of Yingzhe with dragon wings, flew in front of them.

"Careful there!!!" MonoWither cried out as the vexes pointed sharp swords at them. "Remember the rule about no violence against the show's hosts?! You're getting really close to breaking it!"

"I DON'T CARE!!!" Yingzhe glared up at the machine, burning hatred in his eyes.

7: Were there any ideas you had for [insert fic] that you couldn’t make work? What were they?

I'm just gonna answer this for Withering Hope, but there were so many scrapped ideas that I can't possibly remember them all. However, I am happy to say that I have actually figured out how to write some of the ideas that I previously gave up on into THV!

(Withering Hope/The Hopeless Void spoilers in the Read More)

I had a lot of ideas for the third case to try and make things more complicated. I originally had Ashley be the one they found unconscious in the cello case instead of Jordan (she knocked herself out to seem innocent), but I couldn't figure out how to actually make that work. I also wanted Ashley to frame Annie for her crime, but that didn't end up happening partly because I forgot about that idea until later but also because I couldn't figure out how Ashley would be able to do that.

I wanted Ashley to have a flashback to her childhood with Bodil where they played in the snow, prompting her to start deliriously making snow angels until the avalanche buries her, but since the story was strictly told from Seto's POV for the most part I had to scrap it. In hindsight though, I feel like her canon final moments where she just stared up at the avalanche coming her way were a lot more realistic, so I don't really regret having to scrap this one.

I thought I would use the incinerator more in the cases (especially the third one), but I ended up not really needing it past the first case.

CODIE was going to just straight up die in the fifth part, but then in the sixth part I realized that I still needed that boi for clues so I had to bring him back 😭

Later on in the story, I had a lot of second thoughts about killing off Jason. I guess I got a lot more attached to him than I thought I would? It might be because in the very beginning, back when I didn't really have a good grasp of the characters, I had considered him to be more of an asshole after Husky died. (Or at least, not as likable as he ended up being.) Ultimately, I stuck to my guns and killed him off. Wish he could've lived, but I have a story to write and I can't afford to show mercy-

At some point, I wanted a scene where Seto saves someone from an execution??? I definitely wasn't able to fit that anywhere in the plot though lmao

There have been so many scrapped ideas for the ending of WH, but I can't describe any of them because obvious spoilers. Even now, I'm still reworking stuff for THV's ending. Endings are so hard jesus

The original epilogue that I wrote very early on was ultimately scrapped. I might rework elements of it into THV's ending, but we'll see. It makes me sad because I really liked it, but I made a lot of changes to the ending that rendered said scene unable to occur.

ONE ending that I briefly considered in my writing midlife crisis was this really stupid ending where it turns out that everyone was just brainwashed into believing the Minecraft VR they were trapped in was their reality 😭 Can you imagine if that actually was canon I think that would be the dumbest thing in eternity holy shit

In Part 04, I wanted Bart and Dave to actually hide the evidence that showed Steven was the killer. Ultimately I scrapped this because I didn't need them to do this, nor was there much evidence for them to hide in the actual murder anyway.

Everyone other than Tyler and Seto was going to have badass fighting moments against the robots when they all went to rescue the two, but I got way too lazy in the end. Plus, it would've probably ruined the pacing. (That's what I'm telling myself, at least.)

Thought about having Tyler kiss Seto in Part 05 before Seto went to spy on the Puppetmaster. Ultimately I thought that was way too cheesy and would distract from the moment.

I swear Sky's amulet was supposed to show up a lot more, but I kept forgetting about it. That probably describes a lot of scrapped ideas that I'm not recalling.

There were... a lot of YouTubers that I wanted to have in WH. I am so glad that some of them didn't make the cut because of shit that was uncovered about them-

Uhhh I can't think of anything else. This ended up being a lot longer than I expected, god I love to ramble I'm so sorry

Finally, here are two more scrapped ideas, but they need a suicide trigger warning. You don't need to keep reading if you don't want to. (If you did read this far, thanks so much hghhgkdgmd).

(Suicide tw ahead)

Had an idea where Bodil would try to kill himself in Part 04 but proceed to fail and Yingzhe would save him??? It ultimately didn't fit the pacing/tone I was going for so I tossed that one.

Jordan was also going to attempt suicide by jumping off a ledge, only for Steven to grab his arm. However, Steven wouldn't be able to pull Jordan up, resulting in him accidentally letting go and "killing" Jordan. Scrapped this one because how tf was MonoWither supposed to manipulate that specific scenario into happening for sure??? It was also a lot harder to connect that back to Steven being a spy.

#ask #wh spoilers

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bellatrixobsessed1 · 3 years ago

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From Chin To Yon Rah (Part 35)

“Go home.” Ojihara grumbles.

“I’m fine, I can do it.”

“But you don’t have to.”

Azula tosses the freshly plucked turnip from one hand to the next. “Well what else am I gonna do do?”

“Go home ‘n take care of yourself.” The old man rolls his eyes. “Like you shouldda weeks ago.”

“I’m fine.”

“Last week, you said that the smell was so overpowerin’ that it was making you nauseous.” Seukhyun adds most unhelpfully. “If I remember right, you were so dizzy that you were leaning against one of the fence posts.”

“I ain’t done that since.” She shrugs.

“Are you gonna complain about how sore you are after work?”

There is already a dull ache beginning in her lower back and her feet and it isn’t quite noon yet. “Most likely.” She admits begrudgingly. “But I don’t want to just sit at home. Let me at least finish up today.”

Ojihara chuckles. “If only Seukhyun over here were that determined to work.”

However reluctantly, he let her finish out her work day. Not that she had lasted it. The scent of turnip is still very much overpowering and it still very much dizzies her. And even if that weren’t an ordeal, bending over is becoming uncomfortable in its awkwardness. A few times every now and again is fine but she is tired of working around the bump and even more exhausted with the aching of her back. It has crawled up to her mid back now. But she can’t just stop, not after begging the old man to let her keep working.

She huffs, her face is red and slicked with sweat. “Why don’t you take a break.” Hajime calls from over the fence. “I brought watermelon.” He holds out a little bowl. Azula blows a strand of her out of her face and rises to her full height, placing one hand upon her lower back and the other rests upon the bump as she tries to work the ache away. She stumbles back and Hajime holds her upright. She hasn’t been quite as steady on her feet these days.

“Geez, you really need to start taking it easy.” He mumbles. “You can’t exactly do everything you’re used to doing at the moment.

Azula frowns and sighs at the truth of it.

“Come to take your wife home?” Seukhyun asks.

“If Ojihara doesn’t mind.”

“Well good luck, she told Ojihara that she wasn’t leavin’.”

“It’s alright, Hajime wants to spend the night with me.” He does that anyways, but at least now she doesn’t have to admit that she had underestimated just how hard pregnancy would make a whole day in the turnip field.

“I can finish up here.” Seukhyun smiles. “I’m sure Cai wouldn’t mind doing a bit of work, she likes playin’ in the dirt.”

She watches him stoop down and finish uprooting the turnip that she had abandoned. She watches him bend down and rise up repeatedly until he is out of sight. It is going to be strange to not spend her days in the field. Evidently she can’t really remember the last time she had actually relaxed. She has a feeling that feeling restless is going to be a regular thing.

Hajime takes her hand and dabs a towel to her forehead. “I’ve never known anyone who was this bad at relaxing.”

Azula shrugs. “I’m not a lazy person.”

He laughs. “Clearly.”

That day she doesn’t think that she has learned anything in particular. But she supposes that not every day is going to be something deep and profound. Maybe that is a lesson in itself.

.oOo.

Even in the deepest throes of insanity, Azula has never felt such uncontrolled rage. During her agni kai with Zuko she had at least some semblance of care left, a small portion of her conscience that still functioned.

She has pondered, time and time again, what she might be like at her worst. What would she would be reduced to if her mind fled her fully. She never wanted to find out but she speculated all the same. Truth be told she had always assumed that she would grow vicious and brutally violent. She imagined that she would lose inhibitions and find herself screaming and cackling. Just as she had when she was still practically a child.

Her mind is in fact slipping from her control but it is strangely quiet. It isn’t the intense outburst she had expected of her fraying mind but a coldness, and emptiness. A complete loss of emotion. There is no room for sympathy nor pity in her mind neither is there room for love and compassion in her heart.

She wonders what her eyes must look like. She had been certain that they would have been frantic and darting. But now she thinks that they must be dull. There is no ‘gleam of insanity’, there is no gleam at all. There is a lifelessness to them. A lifelessness that comes from the numbness in her soul.

Her apathy, she decides, is much more deadly than her rages. She takes his him by the cheeks and forces him to look into her dulled eyes. He needs to know that she really, truly doesn’t care. That she won’t feel anything at all save for a sick satisfaction…

“Do you remember?”

She knows that he does but she wants to hear it from him. He nods. “Tell me you remember.”

“I remember.” He winces. “I’m…”

She slaps him. She thinks that there is nothing more vexing than an apology born of fear, an apology that can’t fix a damn thing. “Tell me what you did.” She needs to hear it. Needs to hear it so that she can destroy him with every ounce of hatred that she can muster.

“I killed your family.”

She squeezes his face harder until blood blossoms beneath her fingernails.

“I killed your husband and the kid.”

“And…”

“And the old man and his son.”

“And…”

He swallows and when he speaks his voice cracks. “I killed your baby.”

She slaps the man hard enough to feel tingles on her own palm. Hard enough for his head to knock back. Hard enough to lift the front two legs of the chair. “And what should I do to you?” She asks, voice level and low. The coldness within is growing icier with each word. The man swallows. “I asked you a question. Answer it.” She is going to strike him again regardless of his answer or whether or not he answers at all.

When it becomes abundantly clear that he isn’t going to answer her, she delivers the second slap, this time with a palm full of fire. The man’s flesh smolders and he cries out. She still feels nothing. She should feel something; elation, satisfaction, an all encompassing sense of rage. And yet she is still empty, perhaps emptier still as she looks upon the trails of smoke that rise from the man’s face.

“How would you like to lose that other eye?”

“Just kill me.” He mumbles.

“I would have thought that a man like you would have more fight than that.” But then, he had murdered children. There isn’t much strength and glory in that at all. He is a weak man dressed in muscle and armor. The coldness in her grows deeper still; he is a weak man and somehow she had let him kill her family.

She strikes him a third time and a fourth and a fifth. Why can’t she feel a damn thing?

“Azula, stop it!” Sokka shouts.

A sixth and a seventh. The eight has a bite of lightning.

“Azula!”

A ninth and a tenth.

“Please…” the man whispers. “I don’t want to die.”

“If you didn’t want to die then perhaps you shouldn’t have massacred a village.” Her voice is as hollow as she. Toneless and dead as her Atsu and her baby. Eleven and twelve…

She feels an arm tug at her own. She doesn’t have much more time with the man. “You’re not a killer, Azula.” Sokka tries, his grip tightens around her. She must admit that he does have her in a pretty strong hold. It is almost painful, the way his forearm pushes into her belly. She winces and he loosens his hold. Deep down, the last kind and caring part of her wishes that he would have gripped her tighter still.

There is a disconnect to follow, a sensation that it isn’t her own fingers that the lightning dances upon.

“Don’t do it, Azula.” His voice is distant. Everything is distant and hushed except for the furious hum and crackle of the lightning as she charges it. She doesn’t remember releasing it. She dosn’t remember hearing a body hit the floor.

All the same, he is dead. He is dead and she never learned his name. Just as Hajime never learned hers.

She forces a smile onto her face, that is what she is supposed to do. She has just taken the vengeance she was meant to take. He is dead, the man who had destroyed her chance at normalcy and recovery is laying at her feet with glassy eyes. She waits from her mood to shift and match her expression. But there isn’t even a prickle of satisfaction. Elation doesn’t come.

And neither does sadness, regret, fear, or disgust. She tries a frown, she tries tears. They are just as hollow as the smile.

She stares at the still smoking corpse. Nothing. Nothing at all.

She turns her head, only slightly. She is surprised to see Sokka still standing there and more surprised to find that his touch is so gentle when he reaches out for her. She can see terror in her eyes--this is no shock at all. She doesn’t understand how he is still able to take her into his arms. She thinks that this is the part where she should start weeping and lamenting over what has become of her. What she has become. She tries her very hardest to do so. Quinn and Ji-Zhang shift in discomfort. This unease that Sokka should be feeling.

“Let’s get out of this room.” He mutters.

“Sokka?” She says softly as he leads her from the room.

“Hmm?” His expression is grim. Grimmer than she has ever seen it. And she knows for sure that she is in very deep. She knows it because she can’t even find it in herself to be terrified of what he must think of her. She can’t even force herself to fear him deeming her as a lost cause and leaving. And yet her body tremors--even it knows that she should be horrified.

“Why can’t I feel anything?”

#Avatar The Last Airbender #Azula #Sokka #Sokkla #Fanfiction

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fletchphoenix · 4 years ago

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First Impressions, Worst Impressions

High school Varigo AU? High school Varigo AU. That’s all I will say - I hope you guys enjoy it and if you thought the first one was slow burn,,,,you’re in for a treat <3

Also gives me a chance to show off my OC’s Jeremy, Isla, Elora and Zander! I love them all dearly. Anyway, onwards with the chapter!

TW - Strong Language (i think? I cant remember.)

------------------------

From the second Varian woke up, he knew it was going to be a bad day.

His alarm rang from under his pillow, him groaning and turning on his phone screen to shut it off, blinding light immediately shining straight into his eyes and leaving him frazzled for a second. He grumbled as he sat up, Ruddiger hissing in disapproval before sinking back into his slumber. Lucky bastard could sleep all day, but Varian? Nope. Varian had school. Brilliant. He’d gotten so used to being able to just lie in, not expected to attend for the last stretch of tenth grade after...the incident. Varian sat up and stretched, letting out a loud yawn before reaching to grab his clothes off the chair by his bed, it creaking in protest as he shuffled. Admittedly it was rather old - he might have to buy a new frame from Ikea or something like that.

He stumbled around the darkened room, reaching for the curtains covering his window and pulling them open to give him a little bit of light. He liked his room - it was in the attic, so he had a whole story to himself and it was quite spacious, able to fit two desks in his room. One sported his papers and various textbooks he’d used to keep up with school, and the other an old TV monitor along with a Nintendo Switch connected to it. He’d play on it a lot after Rapunzel got it for his birthday, the console soon becoming addictive during his extended absence from school. He’d played it every time he’d finished his work...no matter now, he thought. He had to get ready to return to that..horrible place.

Once he was dressed in his blue shirt, a black undershirt and some jeans, he packed and grabbed his backpack and began to walk downstairs happily, sparing no glance to the different frames on the walls of the house. He trailed down the hall, opening the first door on the right and heading in quietly. In the kitchen stood Rapunzel, humming a small tune to herself and Eugene sleepily rested his forehead against the back of her neck and wrapped his arms loosely around her waist. Varian sauntered in and dumped his bag on the floor, sitting at the table with a frown on his face. “Good morning to you too.” he muttered as Rapunzel plated his breakfast and handed it to him. “I still can’t believe you’re making me do this.” he commented as he ate.

“Look, Varian..please give it a chance. If it doesn’t go well, we can go back to learning from home just..please. You promised you’d try.” Rapunzel pleaded, sitting opposite him at the oak table, the faint sound of a clock ticking filling the background of their tense conversation. Varian let out a groan and a sigh before reluctantly agreeing, turning his head away as Rapunzel cheered happily. He knew it was time for him to go back, despite everything that happened, but he didn’t know if he could. Sophomore year was rough to say the least and he didn’t know if he could even face his peers after everything that had happened to him. Still, a promise was a promise, and if he did this, Eugene and Rapunzel promised he could use the basement as his own personal lab, so that was a bonus.

“Okay kiddo, let's get you to school.” Eugene muttered sleepily, placing a kiss to his wife’s forehead with a soft smile as Varian followed him, his bag over his shoulder and sliding his headphones over his ears. He couldn’t really say he was excited - quite the contrary actually, dreading his return to the building, but he knew he had to do this for Eugene and Rapunzel’s sake. He just..prayed he wasn’t too far behind and that he’d be sat next to moderately decent people in his subjects. Last year, he was sat by Vex in English and she’d just bullied him the whole time, repeatedly calling him a nerd or short even though she was smaller than he was. He would hate to be sat beside her again, being as she made life hell for him. Of course there was no way she could’ve known what was going on in his life at the time, but it still sucked to have someone be a constant insult machine towards him relentlessly.

He slid into the passenger’s seat, pressing the door lock and leaning back in his chair silently. Turning his head, he saw Eugene’s eyes boring into him, instinctively flinching back from him at the look. “Eugene..what are you doing.” he questioned, the man still looking at him with his lips tilted into a frown. Was there something on his face? Did he have a nosebleed or something? Had he offended Eugene?

“Kid, don’t feel pressured, alright? I get it’s been rough and a long time since you’ve been back to school, so if it gets too much for you, please just let me know and I’ll come pick you up. We just..we really hope you can do it. It’s what you need after being alone for so long.” he explained as he began to drive, opening the windows to let the August air breeze through the window and blow Varian’s hair around wildly. Varian shrugged and looked out the window, playing with the hem of his shirt quietly. He was sure he could handle it, after all it’s not as if he could just suddenly get killed on his first day! Right? Ugh, now that he thought about it, it was always a possibility and he could just spontaneously die on the spot in the middle of chemistry class-

“V. I know you’re overthinking now. I can literally hear the cogs in your head going wild. Just relax, okay?” Eugene broke his train of thought, a slight smile on his face. “You’re gonna be fine, trust me, kid.” He reassured him as they pulled up outside the towering, intimidating building Varian knew oh so well as Corona High. His breathing started to quicken. Could he do this? He didn’t know if he could do this anymore, the mere thought of going back made him sick to his stomach. He doubled over in his seat, Eugene leaning over to trace reassuring circles onto his back and whispering comforting words to him. “Kid, don’t freak out. It’s just a building..okay? You’ll be fine. Trust me. Just breathe.” Varian regained his breath and nodded to Eugene, exiting the car and heading towards the looming building, fear building a deep, dark and seemingly endless pit in his gut. He took one last deep breath before his hands reached out, pushing open the immaculately cleaned glass doors and throwing himself into the fray.

Immediately, he went towards his home room. From the look of the note he had, it was Room 256 with Mrs Ophelia Thorne. At least she sounded nice on the phone call, he recalled as he called to ask about his reintroduction back to school. He was apparently having an escort between lessons called Nuru, even though he’d insisted that he didn’t need that, having been to the school before. She persisted, however, saying that she’ll be able to ‘show him the changes around school’ and ‘be like a friend towards him’ as if he needed that. He’d agreed so he could get off the phone and go upstairs to continue with the work he’d started in his free time. It was on the old study of alchemy and, though research had been discontinued, he loved the sound of it. Transmutation fascinated him to no end, so the research never felt strenuous. However, he knew it wasn’t really that interesting to most. Still, he loved the subject with all his heart and would for as long as he lived.

He kept walking down the halls, weaving through people before standing in front of Room 256, his hand moving to grasp the doorknob. He twisted it slowly and gently opened it, twenty or so pairs of eyes instantly fixating on him along with the chocolate brown eyes of a medium sized woman with matching wavy hair to the shade of her eyes. “Oh, you must be Varian! Welcome sweetheart, your seat is on the third row, second seat in! Next to Nuru and Zander please!” she cheered in her sing-song, upbeat voice. He could’ve sworn she was a princess if she wasn’t a school teacher, alas he walked to his seat, dumping his bag on the floor and sitting down at the desk. He looked to either side of him in silence.

The boy to the right of him had clearly dyed, vibrant red hair and his eyes fixated on his phone hidden under the desk. His ears were littered with various piercing, the only ones he really noticed and recognised were the lobe, helix and industrial. His clothes consisted of a red and black sweater, cuffed jeans and some rather large boots on his feet, a black, denim jacket covered in patches hung over the back of the chair. He looked pretty cool, his name apparently Zander, according to Mrs Thorne. He raised his eyebrow, watching as the boy looked over at him and raised his eyebrow. “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” he muttered before turning back towards his phone. Varian’s cheeks flushed when he realised he was staring before turning away to look at the girl on his left, only to find she was staring at him.

The girl in question, Nuru, had a dark blue turtleneck sweater and a hair clip shaped like a star holding back a small section of hair from her face. She also wore a grey shirt and tights along with high top sneakers on her feet, coloured the same blue as the sweatshirt she was wearing. She looked at him with wide, orange eyes and a wide smile. “Hi, I’m Nuru and I’m gonna be showing you around. Well, I suppose you know that already being as Mrs Thorne didn’t need to explain..your name is Varian, right? That's a cool name. Sounds a bit like variable or variant. It’s unique.” she trailed off rambling, Varian’s mind losing it’s interest in her until she laid his timetable out in front of him. “Oh, so you have chemistry first with Mr Crick. He’s really nice - Zander’s dad, actually. And then you have Mrs Crick for English, but she just lets everyone call her Elora, her first name. Her and Mr Crick are married! They got married a while ago actually-”

As Nuru went off on her second tangent about school, a smile made its way onto Varian’s face. Finally the day was starting to get better! Chemistry for his first period was like a dream come true, especially with Mr Crick. Though he was a young teacher, Mr Crick, or Jeremy as his mother used to call him, was very close friends with his mother before the incident. He could remember him being a sweet guy, albeit a little awkward and socially inept sometimes, but still a sweetheart. He always offered to give Varian extra work if he wanted it or to just be someone to talk to. Although Varian never took him up on the latter offer, it was nice to know someone other than his family cared about how he was holding up. It was nice he got married too - he remembered Elora joining him when he was invited over to dinner sometimes and their kids coming too.

The ringing of the bell in the hall made him rush to his feet, eager to get going to his lessons as Nuru took her time in packing her things up. “Can’t she just hurry up?” Varian murmured to himself as he waited impatiently for Nuru to be ready. As soon as she was, he bolted out of class and let Nuru pull him by his wrists past lockers and other students, a colourful and unique cast of characters. They’d walked past so many people, including Vex and a small, black haired boy dressed in a red hoodie that was far too big for him, but he didn’t seem to care in the slightest as he happily chatted to his friends. Varian took in his surroundings until Nuru abruptly stopped, him walking into her by accident. “Sorry-” he began.

“Here’s your classroom. I’ll come pick you up at the end to walk you to second period, but until then I’ll see you later!” She called out as she began jogging away. Elated, Varian opened the door and stepped over the threshold, relishing at the sight of a proper lab again. It was the one thing he’d missed about school, having all the proper equipment here as opposed to the ageing equipment he was stuck with at Rapunzel’s house. He smiled widely at the familiar sight of a lanky, raven haired man leaning back at his desk. Varian ran over with a smile.

“Hey Mr Crick!” he almost yelled, not realising how loud he was and the man flinching slightly. Varian bit the inside of his cheek, opening his mouth to apologise before the older man chuckled and shook his head.

“I already know you’re gonna apologise, so don’t. There’s no need. It’s good to see you back in school, Varian.” he began, resting a hand on the younger boy’s shoulder with a smile on his face before looking away to his desk, picking up a sheet of paper and scanning it. “Okay, so you’re next to Hugo.” he declared after a few minutes, gesturing to a smug boy sitting at a desk. Varian raised his eyebrow, thanking Jeremy before moving away to sit down beside his new lab partner.

“Hey there, hairstripe. The name’s Hugo. The pleasure is all yours.” the blonde said, looking at the onyx haired boy smugly. From the second Hugo spoke, Varian knew he was going to suffer this year, just like he had with Vex. Bleached blonde locks were tied into a ponytail, revealing an, in his opinion, terrible undercut underneath. Obnoxiously large glasses sat slightly tilted on his crooked nose, the eyes behind them an emerald green colour. He wore a moss green hoodie, a dandelion undershirt peeking out from underneath, along with baggy blue jeans and some sneakers that, just like Nuru’s, matched his hoodie. A thing that piqued his interest, however, was the boy’s prosthetic arm, sitting blatantly out on the table, Varian fixing his gaze onto it and tilting his head slightly.

“ Oh, that little thing? Well, it’s my prosthetic after I tragically lost my arm in the accident that killed my parents.” Hugo explained, dramatically leaning against Varian with the palm of his flesh hand pressed against his forehead. Great, Varian was next to a theatre kid. Just what he needed. “Tragic, right?” Hugo commented with a grin.

“Oh yes, oh so tragic.” Varian rolled his eyes and shoved the other boy off him, already ready to kill him. As much as he loved Mr Crick...why did he have to sit him next to the most dramatic annoyance on earth? As far as first impressions went, Hugo...really wasn’t making a good one at all. He glanced back over at the boy again, whose head was propped up by his right arm as he grinned at Varian.

“Well, aren’t you gonna tell me your name, hairstripe?” he asked, leaning slightly closer into Varian’s personal space, causing him to cringe. This was going to be a VERY long year by the sound of things.

“It’s Varian. And can you please stop calling me Hairstripe? It’s really, really annoying.” he commented, already annoyed with the boy sitting next to him. He really didn’t want his favourite lesson to be ruined by an inconvenience like him.

“Mmm..nah. I think I’m gonna keep calling you hairstripe. It sounds better than whatever you said.” He smiled and turned his attention to the front as Mr Crick began the lesson. Varian leaned against the desk and groaned in annoyance, resting his head on the table and shutting his eyes as the boy beside him kept poking him with his pen under the table. This was going to be a very long lesson.

---------------------------------------

By the time the lesson was done, he just wanted to go home. Hugo was literally just Vex, but less insulting and more genuinely annoying. Oh well, at least that was the only time he’d see him all week. Sure, it was his favourite lesson with his favourite teacher in the world, but at least he only sat with him for one lesson this week.

That was until Mr Crick started talking.

“Okay class, we have a senior project, so I’m gonna be announcing the pairs!” Mr Crick declared as he brought out a list. Varian zoned out as he waited for his name to be called. Finally, he’d be able to work with someone else other than this narcissistic, rude, egocentric-

“Varian Ruddiger, you will be working with Hugo Atkinson!”

Varian felt his heart drop and Hugo’s face twisted into a smirk.

Oh no.

No way was he going to work with Hugo Atkinson on a school project, involving the other coming to his house regularly and talking in a close proximity out of school hours even though he hated the guts of the guy sitting next to him. He stood up as everyone started to leave, making his way to Mr Crick. “Mr Crick, you can’t be serious I-I can’t work with him! He’s annoying and-and don’t even get me started on how goddamn dramatic he is!” he began to rant before Jeremy’s hands rested on his shoulders.

“Varian, you’re a bright kid and, surprisingly, so is Hugo. You two will make a really good team just..please give him a chance. Okay?” he pleaded, Varian giving in with his arguments and nodding in submission. He didn’t believe for a second that Hugo possessed more than one brain cell, but hey, miracles can apparently happen, right? He reassured himself as he headed out of the classroom to find Nuru.

Nuru who was currently insulting Hugo outside the classroom.

“Oh my god, Atkinson, you’re such an inconvenience-oh hey Varian! Are you ready for the best lesson ever with the best teacher ever?” she said with a smile, grabbing Varian’s wrist in a clamp like grip and pulling him along the hall, the students seemingly parting to make a path for them. Much to Varian’s misfortune, Hugo followed after them with his stupid, smug grin on his face.

“Heya hairstripe..so we’re together for the project? How about you come over mine tonight and we can start working tonight? I’ll pick you up at the gates if you want.” he said with a grin and a subtle wink, causing Varian to cringe.

“How about you come over to my place? My sister will want me back, since..y’know, first day back and all.” he explained, praying Hugo would agree. Luckily he did and relented in his following, letting Nuru drag him along to the english classrooms. The smaller boy let out a relieved sigh, focusing on Nuru and picking up on sections of her incessant rambling, something he was shockingly used to now.

“Oh, he's a massive playboy, probably fooled around with most girls and boys in the school. He treats them like shit too - uses them till he gets bored, then moves onto the next pretty thing that he can find.” she rolled her eyes and let go of Varian’s wrist, him speeding up to match her pace. “Here we are. I hope you have a great lesson, V and I’ll see you later!” She ran off and, once again, Varian stepped into the class and was told exactly where to go.

The rest of the day went swimmingly. No Hugo..just complete and utter peace. Sure, he had Nuru to drag him along, but he’d met Zander’s twin sister, Isla and she was an utter sweetheart (he sat by her now in math). He’d also seen Vex in the hall a few times, but as usual she paid him no mind and just continued doing her own thing. Typical Vex behaviour. And now it was the time he was dreading - the end of the day.

He made his way through the halls, his eyes focused on the glazed floor before arriving in front of the familiar glass doors and seeing a familiar, lanky blonde standing outside. He waved to Varian, a smirk on his face as the boy left the building. “What took you so long, hairstripe? I was thinking you’d abandoned me.” He asked, laughing as they began to walk side by side.

“Got held up - let’s just go.” Varian muttered in response, kicking a rock across the sidewalk. All it was was a few weeks working together after school. It would fly by, right? He took one look up at the smirking blonde and frowned.

At least he hoped so.

#varian and the seven kingdoms #varigo #varian x hugo #varian tangled #tangled varian #hugo tangled #tangled hugo #alchemy boyfriends #varigo high school au #i love these boys

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grxceblqckthxrn · 5 years ago

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hi @chocolatecarstairs came up with these post-CHOG questions and i really want to answer them because im sad that im finished reading it :((

MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW

what was your favorite part, 1 or 2?

Honestly I loved both parts, but I’d say I loved part two just a little bit more for the time that James wasn’t under the curse anymore and LOVED Cordelia

which scene in the book was your favorite?

EVERY scene that had Matthew and James being wholesome parabatai in it!!! my favourite chapter in this book was Blue Ruin, the one after Grace takes the bracelet back from James (aside from the whispering room ofc).

what scene (or scenes) made you cry the most?

ok ngl i didnt spend much of this book crying, but the only scene that actually made me tear up was when james was dying and matthew could feel it and jesse (WHO I FUCKING LOVED MORE THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD) gave him his last breath :(((((

what scenes were unsatisfactory?

there were not enough Christopher scenes (but to be fair, even if the entire book was just Christopher it still wouldnt be enough for me)

but fr, i cant think of any off the top of my head but i’ll edit this if i do later

what made you laugh the most?

matthew!! james!! thomas!! christopher!! also some of the things Jesse said

what bored you?

this wasn’t boring, but the whole charles/alastair plot line didn’t have me very invested. I did love the alastair/ cordelia scenes tho, so it was just charles that was the problem

also no offense to james bc he was my first actual fictional crush after reading TMH/NBS but like whenever he talked about being in grace i would literally zone out lol the bracelet curse makes him so boring but whenever he isnt in the curse/ is with someone who is NOT grace i just!! love him!!

what disappointed you?

cassie honestly had me kinda shipping matthew/cordelia for a solid FIVE SECONDS there when he stepped in to dance with her after james left her standing there, but that was one of the only scenes that made me feel like they had natural chemistry (along with the scene where he drops her off at her house). I felt like the during the rest of their interactions in the book, cordelia was kind of uncomfortable, which made me really sad because even tho she has every right to feel that way, i felt bad for matthew. I kind of want him to fall for someone else completely and for it to be reciprocated. also, i just really want for matthew and cordelia to become good friends because i feel like they could have such great natural chemistry if matthew didnt love her.

what is the top thing you wish had been done differently?

see above.

what things did you predict that came true?

JAMES BURNING DOWN BLACKTHORN MANOR I FUCKING SAID HE WOULD DO IT TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO IF YALL WANT ME TO LINK THE THEORY LMK

what are some things that were really unexpected?

ok there’s quite a few things here so bear w me babes:

- James genuinely loving cordelia from the start. I wasn’t expecting him to naturally feel nothing for grace at all, so i was expecting a slow burn jordelia, but finding out that he actually loves her makes me so happy but the end where cordelia thinks he was just pretending breaks my heart :(((

-matthew liking cordelia lol definitely was not expecting another parabatai love triangle but i hope it doesnt last. i do think it adds to the plot and i love it, it just hurts to see matthew so emo :(((

-I was expecting to like cordelia as a character, but i ended up LOVING her so fucking much???? she’s so three dimensional to me, and it’s interesting to see how her personality adapts around different characters as people adapt around different social circles irl

-liking jesse as much as i did

-ok so james’ entire character was a surprise to me. it’s so fascinating to see how the bracelet actually affected his personality.If you recall him in The Midnight Heir from TBC. he’s like an entirely different person. i still loved him in TMH but i went into CHOG thinking that if he was gonna be like that the entire time i’d probably get over him really quickly. i was pleasantly surprised by how much i ended up loving him even more tho

-i didn’t expect oliver hayward to die and im going to stay emo about it

- Christopher is so much more clear headed than he was made out to be prior?? like there were so many scenes where he was fully there and when he defended anna to alastair i just kfdsnfkld i love him

are there characters that you didn’t like before that you like now?

yikes umm... Alastair, maybe? he’s somewhat okay to me now, I dont dislike him as much as I used to. ooh and Hypatia Vex. the only scene i remember liking her in QOAAD was when she helped out kit, ty and dru (me, going a whole TSC post without somehow mentioning kit? not possible)

are there characters that you liked before that you don’t like now?

I started CHOG ready to give Grace the benefit of the doubt, and I was surprised by how timid and shy she seemed at the start, but it was interesting to see how it was all an act and how she doesn’t have an actual personality yet. one could argue that she actually does love james, but i doubt it at this point. i dont hate her yet, even tho she IS fucking up james’ life, but she’s on thin fucking ice.

who was your favorite new character?

does new character mean completely new or just never been in a novella new? because for the first, it would be Cordelia (i LOVE her sm!!) and other wise it would be james, matthew and co. also!!! jesse!!

what places in the book would you like to visit?

that hell dimension sounds pretty lit ngl

did you like the ending?

ok so. we KNOW that jordelia is gonna be endgame. cassandra clare always takes the hardest path to get there, but when has she not delivered? it’s just a matter of waiting. so, yes, i did like the ending in sense of the plot because it was a great twist, but i also feel really bad for all of them even tho ik they’re eventually gonna be together :(((

what did you think of the epilogue?

i wasnt surprised, since we alr know that Tatiana is shady asf, but i just really wanna know how she partnered up with a GREATER demon like lol wtf. again, im really happy in terms of plot with this

what are your thoughts on the engagement?

i feel so. fucking bad. for cordelia. and james too, even tho he’s under the bracelet’s curse so he doesnt even KNOW he’s being manipulated. but i love how even through the curse, james still loves cordelia in his own way.

what did you want to see that didn’t happen?

matthew getting therapy periodt

umm honestly i just want more “merry thieves” content like i just love. all of them.

what do you wish had been resolved that wasn’t?

i really want matthew to tell james or cordelia what happened because i just need him to be loved and supported lol i want to give him a hug.

what is your favorite pairing as of now?

jordelia!!! and lucie and jesse are kind cute rn, and i like them if theyre gonna be pining after eachother but i feel like if they actually get together i wont like the relationship as much.

which characters would you like to see more of in the next book?

CHRISTOPHER CHRISTOPHER CHRISTOPHER

ANNA!!! i lovED reading about her she’s so badass

matthew!! jesse!! also i wanna see more of those bitchy girls lol just so we can see anna or cordelia tell them to stfu

what is one character whose death you would undo if you could?

ok i know that jesse is still very much a conscious character despite being dead but like,,, i want him to be the way he was before and also i want him to come back to life

and barbara!! she seemed so sweet

which characters got bad/unsatisfactory endings?

ummm barbara? i cant really say much on this yet bc its still only the first book and when has the first book ever ended up with anyone being happy.

oh but also can we sign a petition to make cassie let matthew actually survive the series because my heart aches just at the THOUGHT of eventually having to read a scene where he dies

which characters got what they deserved?

literally. none of them yet. :(

who should have died but didn’t?

Tatiana lol also lowkey charles but i also feel pity him to an extent

what plotline are you most excited to see in the next book?

okay the entire jesse plot has me hooked because i LOVE his character. also i love the bracelet plot but its making me MAD because i just want james to be happy but

what is one scene that you wish hadn’t happened, but you know was unavoidable?

THE ONE WHERE GRACE PUTS THE BRACELET BACK ON JAMES. i mean obv there was no way he was completely done with grace, but i literally got so sad at that part like why HIM of all people smfh let him be happy

which pairing do you like the least?

alastair x charles, grace x james, lucie x matthew bc neither of them actually like either imo lol

what are some theories you have for chain of iron?

- not necessarily for COI but i think matthew is gonna get exiled and turned into made into a mundane

- the bracelet will break (?)

- jesse will come back to life (like actual life) at the end of the book

-grace is gonna do something to help the main characters, making it hard for us to hate her.

what characters do you think should have gotten more plot time?

lol are yall gonna hate me if i say christopher again (also anna)

anyways this was really fun!!!!! PLEASE ASK ME STUFF ABOUT MY OPINIONS AND STUFF OR JUST SAY ANYTHING ABT THE BOOK BC IM DESPERATE TO TALK TO PPL ABOUT IT

#chain of gold spoilers #chain of gold #james herondale #Cordelia Carstairs #Matthew Fairchild #lucie herondale #anna lightwood #thomas lightwood #alastair carstairs #charles fairchild #christopher lightwood #grace blackthorn #jesse blackthorn #tatiana blackthorn #the last hours #tlh #cassandra clare #the last hours spoilers #chog spoilers

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elwenn-dreaming · 4 years ago

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okay sorry I’m gonna rant for a while

It’s not a majo issue and I’m litterally crying over a board game but...

My family and I were playing Time Stories tonight, and I really love this game. My mother doesn’t hate it, but the kind of patience and dedication you have to put in it are really not her thing. My brother was being his usual obnoxious self (though for once he wasn’t doing anything else at the same time like building a box with a 3D pen).

I’m really invested in this game. And I feel like I’m the only one. My mom spent the first half hour complaining it was going too slow, my brother is rather not the main focus but was generally taking my mom’s side and making unhelpful coments for anyone. My dad is quite interested but not very assertive (we’ll leave him out of the argument).

Now throughout our precedent games I’ve made a lot of efforts to change my way of playing. I tend to be slightly authoritarian on the sides, because I like having things done well and efficiently. That does not mean I cannot take suggestions in, and I’ve made a lot of efforts towards trying to push the others to make decisions and accepting differents opinions.

The point is, I’m the only one who’s even trying. I take notes of everything, so that we can remember them from run to run and optimise them. I’ve tried and looked at why we failed before, and taken that into account in my way of taking those notes and analysing elements of the mystery. I try to think about how we can solve it in our limited time, try to think about the best way to do things in order to win time. And then my mom comes in and complains every time I’m asking for a few seconds to finsh taking notes. But god forbid I missed something in my last notes, because then it becomes my responsibility to take them. She complains when I’m trying to reread them and analise what we know, says it’s too long and she’s bored, while she does not even consider helping me or discussing our different options.

I’m both expected to provide the answers and then complained about when I try to give them either because I’m taking too long or not letting the others play.

At the beginning of the game there was a possibility I wanted to explore. When the others suggested we go and explore the whole island before leaving to follow the lead we had, we did. And we did find somethng! (Except we had a way of knowing it faster by looking at what we had previously found but let’s not get into that.) And then we get another possibility, except it reeks of time loss in the worst case and very little gain in the best. I suggest we avoid it, they complain that I cannot accept divergence in opinions (the vote was a tie, we went, of course). It quite obviously ended up in the worst case senario; my mom and brother stuck in quicksand and going to die if not saved very quickly, me stuck fighting a massive crocodile alone and my dad alone free to rescue them, but desesperately useless in a fight, which meant he could not help me nor the other two because there was a snake to fight before we could get to them. So they decide that we would cheat (already a very annyoing option) and say we never explored the two dangerous regions of the isle, and laugh.

Now I had been grumbled at for quite some time, and that was the first tipping point, because they made a mistake i had warned them about and escaped, when they get mad at me when i get them into something that doesn’t work out.

So I begin to cry, because I’m tired, and they’re not even trying to play. Which gets me yelled at, because I’m “taking the game too seriously” and “can’t listen to ppl’s opinions” (bitch what did i do but follow your fucking opinions?) and I don’t care about losing. This whole game is about losing a few times before solving the mystery (or not solving it at all). However I do care about losing stupidly, and most of all i do care about their lack of trying to adapt to each other’s way of playing.

They like bumbing around, not taking any notes, forgetting everything in between runs. We did it once, it doesn’t work, and i was there to save their asses at the last minute before they litterally did the opposite of what our mission was. My mom has no patience for that.

I like solving it. I like strategy, discussing efficiency, interpretations, leads and clues. I also like the fun, it is supposed to partly be a role-play game. But i quickly realised we as a whole were not up to it yet, especially as the rules are not easy in the beginning. This is also my dad’s approach of the game except he’s maybe less involved and lest perfectionnist, more laid-back maybe.

Anyway i’m going to cut this short. We lost, which is normal. my mom loved to make a shox about how we could have not died if we had followed the idea she had at the end of our last run (which was two months ago, cuz school), had not taken in note and the had promptly forgotten. Thanks mom, very helpful, maybe now you’ll actually get involved in the thinking?

Then they got mad at me, and i got mad at them too. Because they say I do not let them play when I spend my time asking them about the situation only to realise they have no idea what’s going on. Because I ask them at the beginning if they want me to briefly summarise my notes, and then hear them complain they have forgotten what we learned last time. Because they say I’m taking too much space so that they can’t get involved when I’m using half my energy trying to get them playing. (The main conflict lies with my mom actually, let’s go back to the singular.) When she says I’m too authoritarian when I am making a lot of efforts in order not to be and also the only one atually keeping track of anything, meaning I’m the only one with any element of the solution.

When she says i cannot accept an other vision of the game when 1- theirs have been tested and doesn’t work 2- I have changed my way of playing after each run and taken into account what was said against me and what worked in the game 3- they have not once tried getting involved, even really focusing on the game.

I could go on. But I have been at it for 40 minutes and the night is getting short.

So I ask her wether she’d rather we play an other game together when we play, we have a lot of board games and i like most of those, playing something that wouldn’t create such a quarrel after each game. She can’t answer. She continues the argument multiple times, even after we’ve decided to go to bed, it’s one am at that time and when I tell her, the second time she comes into my room, (and i’m obviously crying at that time and very upset) that I can’t have this argument tonight anymore, she gets vexed. I can’t even... fuck i don’t have words anymore.

If she hates playing it so much, why can’t she accept thath we play an other game together and I’m just going to solve that game alone or with my dad? I’m not asking her to stop playing with us. I’m not even suggesting we do that when she’s here. It always ends up in tears, and tonight more than ever. She doesn’t have the patience the game requires, nor the memory of both the rules and the story, and she doesn’t try to. She’s not that interested in the actual solution. If the purpose is only good family time and fun, let go of it! We’ll play something else, board games are not lacking here fo fuck’s sake, there are dozens of games we like to play together, and this one is very obviously not one of them!

I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of it.

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thequeenofmyownscreen · 4 years ago

Text

“Would you like to talk before, or after ?”

Episode 78 “The Siege of Emon” to episode 85 “A Bard’s Lament ”.

Previous posts : the beginnings, episodes 22 to 32, episodes 33 to 36, episodes 37 to 42, episodes 43 to 49, episodes 50 to 56, episodes 57 to 64, episodes 65 to 71, episodes 72 to 77.

I’m 2 months late on my own schedule, but... you know... *gestures at the world* what is the meaning of time anyway nowadays ?

To attack, you have to have a plan. I was so happy to see Zahra and Kashaw back, I love them so much. Every interaction the latter has with Keyleth or others is incredible. But he’s right : even if Vox Machina got 4 potions of fire resistance, they lack a good plan. Kash seems to know what he’s doing at least ; Vox Machina’s style to wing it everytime is not going to work here considering the big forces at play. Asking the Air Ashari for air support is a good idea, because otherwise they are fucked, with 600 wyverns in the sky (and how nice was it to see Keyleth’s father again !) I understand the difficulty of planning such a grand-scale battle as a group, especially since Vox Machina is yes, politicaly involved, but can also fly solo and not under someone’s supervision so they’re not really used to this kind of job ; so I think Matt gave them a little help with the Warmaster’s help. The infiltration in the tunnels was almost a disaster : there was a pre-battle energy at the table that I think managed to make the players really distracted regarding the mechanics of invisibility or Seeming. But they got there, and lost Zahra and Kash, who stayed behind battling the fire giants and being a distraction while Vox Machina, Gilmore and Jarett got on the Cloudtop district to meet Thordak. I was really scared that we weren’t going to see them again, but the Talks Machina episode conforted me a little.

Everyone was so nervous when the battle actually began. They were as prepared as they could be (except Jarett, Gilmore and Trinket who did not have fire resistance). I was stressed too throughout the entirety of it, even if it’s ridiculous because I can see that there are more episodes after. But that’s the power of this show. When Raishan appeared, for a second, it seemed that she was on Thordak’s side and Vox Machina were gonna die right there, but then she attacked him. I liked that the battle felt “real” thanks to others ennemies (two fire elementals) and aids (the skyship) appearing, it was not like a video game where it’s just the final boss battle. And they were good : Thordak breathed fire 3 times and burned Trinket, almost killed Gilmore and Jarett, but Vox Machina themselves were pretty sturdy. When Sam after explained that he kind of didn’t want to call J’Mon Sa Ord to their aid even if Laura, Marisha and Travis were harassing him with flute signs, I kind of agreed with him. It felt more personnal. And Matt, as Laura pointed out, like the awe-inspiring man he is was already playing Gilmore, Jarett, Lady Kima, Thordak and Raishan. When the very last Dragon-slaying arrow managed to hit Thordak, and shattered the crystal embedded in the dragon’s chest and he shrunk, I knew the battle was won. But still, the incredible scene where Vax actually catched up to Thordak fleeing, and killing him, got to me.

And then it all went to hell. Well, let’s be honest, Raishan managing to cast a spell to speak to Thordak’s spirit was creepy, and she had to be stopped. But from the beginning of the second battle, they were in much dire straits, with only half the party at acceptable levels of health. I also didn’t realise that it was just Keyleth Vex and Vax who got into the chamber before anyone and were thus victims of an extremely powerful spell Raishan cast on them (and the episode stopped there ! what a cliffhanger !). Their friends rejoined them quickly, but the battle was not like the last. Raishan’s high intelligence was fully revealed here : being invisible but one by one canceling the Heroe’s Feast, Counterspelling Pike’s healing. She was like a giant cat with 10 mice, at full health, and well prepared, whereas Vox Machina was exhausted and had no idea what she was looking for. J’Mon Sa Ord arrived, but it was then that the battle took a very dark turn : at one point, Vex Vax Pike Scanlan and Gilmore were uncounscious. I had a flashback of Percy and Riley’s fight, where for a moment everyone was desperate, then Vex and Scanlan died and I was like ‘Oh no. This is worse than before’. Raishan managed to flee, taking two eggs and tapping them behind, buying enough time to speak to Thordak’s corpse and teleporting. By some miracle, Pike managed to Revivify Vex and Scanlan (not before we learn, thanks to Ashley texting during the fight, that Scanlan’s letter to Pike contained the wish for her, if ever he died, that she would help raise Kaylie).

Scanlan’s dark parth is now clear (haha). Before battle, Jarett gave him some suude that he managed to accquire. Then he died, frozen by Raishan, and no matter how quickly he came back, it still was the last drop and he had to do something about his pain. His path reminded me, in terms of progression and overall darkness, of Willow in Buffy’s season 6 (a character arc that many critized but that I like immensely even if yes it did hurt)... but as always with Scanlan, even with awful things he makes everybody laugh a little : asking Jarett how, exactly, is suude taken ; fabricating a pipe by desecrating the ancient brass flute J’Mon Sa Ord gave him. The other problem is, Scanlan’s deceptions checks are so high that no one will see the truth : so when Scanlan pretended that he was knocked uncounscious by a trap left by Thordak, everyone had no choice but believe him (Sam rolled a 32 versus Keyleth’s insight of 22, which was good but not enough). Vax’s talking down, reminding him of their conversations on hapiness, was then a little out of place, and managed nothing. Later, he would use his 8th level spell to make Jarett believe, when he delivered the suude to Scanlan, that Scanlan was in such a poor state of.minde that Jarett promised to bring him more, “going full Heisenberg”, burning Vax’s letter and packing his suude for the next day like everything was normal.

Looting felt weird for a bit, after such an intense battle. But Grog and the Deck of Many Things disaster managed to make me forget a little bit about what had transpired and what had to come. When he picked it up and everyone was suddenly freaking out, I understood absolutely nothing but was absolutely entertained by Laura screaming at her husband, and Liam freaking the fuck out. I was Travis, who knew nothing... except for his clear desire to throw safety away and pick a card. In a parellel universe, he got a Dancing Sword, which was cool ; but Matt later rectified his mistake and all he got was a lousy -2 to all his checks.

The pursuit of Raishan was essential. After some scrying, and some lucky rolls, they pooled ressources with Kerr and Allura and learned that Raishan was far away, doing frantic research in an old necromancer’s laboratory, a place previously invaded by Thordak. So definitely a recipe for disaster. It felt weird to see that everyone except Keyleth was in the mood to wait to go after Raishan. Well, not weird considering they nearl got all killed in the last fight. They could have gone with Allura right after they discovered the facts, but for once I agreed with Percy and his sentiment on the level of exhaustion Vox Machina and Raishan : “I think if we go right now, we win. And at least one of us dies.”

The island of Opash is so creepy ! Filled with dead trees who have been dead for thousand of years, and it used to be peopled before Opash came but after his arrival they were never seen again (from this moment, my money was that a giant massacre happened for his necromancer purpose, and I was right the next episode). It has been a while since Vox Machina went into an exploration of a place...from the top of my head, I would say not since the Spinx’s place near Westruun. Opash’s caves were filled with weird and dangerous shit, like a brazier that exploded, a door mechanism that requires a lot of blood, 4 skeletons heads that could throw 4 Fireballs all at once. But the best/worst one was the ravine with the reversed gravity, and the undead and moving corpses falling from the bottom upside down towards the sky. What a terrifying visual ! I was really afraid when Vex (after a 1 on her acrobatic check) and Pike were ejected from the broom, only saved via Keyleth’s Grasping Vine, then attacked by a mass of undead corpses falling from the bottom/ceiling. The scene was also a bit confusing since the fear made everyone shout to try to do something. But they managed to arrive at the laboratory.

And just in time too, because Raishan apprently figured out Thordak’s true purpose before the soul gem drove him insane. Keyleth managed to got Raishan’s attention, and made an excellent speech that really showed the growth of her character. I think it was partly deception (not in Keyleth’s mind but the others were getting ready to fight and encouraged her to stall) and partly a noble thing to do, giving Raishan the choice to surrender and undergo a trial. Everyone was very impressed. The use of the dog figurine to see Raishan, even when she turned invisible, was another clever idea. Alas, it was not enough, since she used the same tactic as before (invisible, playing them, and slowly dispelling the effect of the Heroes Feast) but this time with the aid of the terrain and the magic of the laboratory (when Mat added two wraiths aiding the green dragon, I shuddered). And Raishan is a powerful magic dragon, casting big spells that could hurt a lot of people at the same time and do a lot of damage (Meteor Swarn, Cone of Cold) or targetting individuals that were strategic to the battle (when she cast Disintegrate on Pike, everyone gasped, and if it was not for Pike’s armor, she would have died and disappeared). It was vicious and she was not holding back. The true nightmare began for me when Scanlan died (again), and Pike failed to Revivify him. This has not happened before and it was extremely tense. I couldn’t believe my eyes when Keyleth Feebleminded Raishan, and that little bit of hope was extinguished when Percy was also eviscerated by Raishan, turned into a feral beast with no intelligence. Grog and Kerr managed to kill her but by this time it was too late, tragedy had already strucked.

The moments after the fight were horrible. Pike managed to Revivify Percy, but the “FIX HIM !” from Grog carrying Scanlan’s body in his arm killed me. The dragon is dead but this place was still creepy and dangerous as hell, and they had to do the caves crawl back since they couldn’t teleport directly. And all the way, Liam acted like Vax was holding Scanlan’s body into his arm. It was frightful and emotionnal. Allura tried to teleport but Kima said something was wrong and still followed and disappeared, and Vox Machina, stunned by the quick succession of events, didn’t react in time to go after them. Keyleth once again, even though panicking, saved the day, by managing to scry and saw they were on the middle of the fucking ocean, and choosing to not abandon Kima and Allura (her 20 roll for perception was legendary). And even when they managed to all come back to Whitestone, it felt like this episode couldn’t go more awfully : now they were desperately searching for someone who can bring one of them towards Scanlan’s daughter, Kaylie. I enjoy watching almost all of those moments, since last summer, okay, but this was awful thing after awful thing. I felt really bad after this one episode.

All resurrection rituals are tense and sad, and this one also hurt, Grog talking to Scanlan, especially. Kaylie getting drunk at her father’s resurrection, and clearly thinking this was not going to work and he was gonna stay dead, is a good reaction for the character. Grog was the first contribution to the ritual : to the tune of the Washington Redskins team song, like Scanlan did when Grog died, Travis managed to make everyone cry. Then Pike went, bringing a doll that Scanlan had given her on her resurrection pre-stream, and read a long poem, and Ashley managed to make everyone cry. Finally, Kaylie played her violin up on the altar, and Matt managed to make everyone cry. Meanwhile, Vex was in Kymal with Eskil, who took her suggestion of going to bed early as advances on him. The comedic aspects were welcomed ! I also loved that Kerrek, an older but less advanced adventurer was intrigued and kind of scared with the whole resurrection idea. Unfortunately he’s speaking with Grog, which is hilarious but not very informative. The twins have a chance to talk also, and everytime they do it’s so good, I just love their relationship. Vax is once gain in a “what happens now mood” (which, careful, last time he asked that, 4 chromatic dragons appeared...) but this time more resolved to be happy with his family, even if that means going with Keyleth and being separated from his sister, whose home is Whitestone now. And we say goodbye to Kerr, who I will miss, because Patrick Rothfuss was amazing for those few episodes.

The trip to Vasselheim was a welcomed respite after such intense episodes. Pike really doesn’t trust the box that supposedly holds Senokir’s wife’s ashes. I love her paranoïa. She infected almost the whole group with it, it was hilarious. Though like Keyleth, I don't blame them after the months they had, Raishan’s treachery and all. After finally burying the box and not giving any ancients relics to priests of Melora (Keyleth needs that staff ! She’s awesome even without it but she’s more awesome with it, okay ?!), Vox Machina watched Grog get his ass kicked by Earthbreaker Groon. But hey, Kord himself enhanced the Titanstone’s Knuckles ! Then Vex and Grog were buying potions from the same seedy marchant in Vasselheim and Laura and Travis’ chemistry is amazing. It’s interesting also to see Vex's instincts towards money take her again, even after she said she tries to change her ways a little.

All these joyful scenes lead me into a false sense of comfort and security. What a dumbass. Have I not understand that Critical Role can wrench hearts like no other ?? Apparently not ! Yes, I’m talking about Scanlan and the family argument (Percy and Vax are right, they’re family now). That brought back things, I confess. I didn’t expect Scanlan to go back to his normal self after his 2nd death in a row (which he did good to remind everyone of... it’s a thing to die, it’s another thing to die twice in the beginning or middle of a desperate battle). But I didn’t expect him either to yell at his friends, confess his fears, and be resolute that he had to leave with his daughter to find himself. It made more sense though when I rewatched the scene a second time. He throws some accusations that I don’t think are entirely true (of course he’s valuable and a true part of Vox Machina !) but he does it because he’s hurt, he’s confused in his life, and he’s just tired about it all. The “you don't really know me” hit me in the feels. It’s true, everyone can experience it, I did : you can be a part of a nice group, and still not open up completely, wether by wanting to still be an individual person or on the contrary mix yourself better within the group. And you know that those people don’t entirely know you... and that thought can be comforting even ! It’s taken a personal turn, but the argument left me to tears, I’ll admit, and since then I’ve thought about it long and hard.

Everyone was of course deep into their characters, but at one moment, Travis seemed to realised that Sam was serious with Scanlan leaving, and it showed on his face, a mixture of surprise, denial and respect for this move. I’ll add that we’ve all been in arguments. And if you’re a little like me, when I have truly made up my mind, shouting at me will not help at all, it will make it worse, I will not listen, and be a stubborn ass. I feel maybe Scanlan was like that in that scene, or I believed I perceived that on his face. There were no things his friends could say that could change his mind about leaving.

...And then Sam came through like a wrecking ball with his new character ! Which everyone decided to hate. Whose name is Taryon Darrington, and whose description sounds like he's a rich boy who's never done any work ever.This, like he said, wil be “fun, fun, fun !”

Quotes :

Vex, to Zahra : “Did you make any dragon arrows ?” Marisha : “Buy her a drink first !”

Keyleth : “Okay, Kash, I’m sensing a little bit of underlying aggression.” Kash : “Really ? It’s underlying ?”

Kashaw, about Emon’s walls : “Is there a weak point ?” Scanlan : “Our plan !”

They completely forgot to ask the Ravenites to come help them ! Taliesin : “Vox Machina, swearing that they’re goingto call you back, for four years.”

Vex : “Kash, don’t talk when we’re in there.” Kash : “Ok, I won’t speak. Remember that time I saved your life ?” Vex : “It was wonderful and I’m very grateful.”

Critical Role without context, with Mary : “Welcome to hentai !”

Scanlan is Cutting Wordsing Thordak’s attack with a ‘your mama’ joke : “Oi ! What sexual position makes the ugliest children ? I don’t know, ask your mama !”

Marisha is hesitating on what dice should she use to attack Raishan. Laura : “It should probably be like a black or a green or something that’s like slimy.” Marisha : “I’ll do a green one. Green’s good.” Travis : “Or just any dice.” Marisha : “Shut up, Travis.”

Critical Role without context, with Liam (after Vax killed Thordak) : “Pretty sure I just had an orgasm.”

Sam : “I moved to Pike to pour stuff in her. That’s all. (After a silence) I did not mean that in any weird way !” *insert here the gif that says Sure, Jan, but with Sure, Sam*

Sam still doesn’t want to play the flute so Laura read a limerick she made to convince him : “Have you heard tale of Scanlan the bold ?/He won’t tell us his age, but he’s old/With his blade, he’s a slayer,/with the ladies, a player,/but if he picks up the flute, he’s pure gold !”

Grog, as he’s attacking : “Yay, catchphrase !”

Scanlan died. Sam : “I died as I lived : hard.”

Keyleth slipped into lava and got nearly killed. Taliesin : “You died as you lived.” Marisha : “A fucking dumbass !!”

Marisha : “I grab Kerr and I start ushering him down into the hole.” (Laura laughs). Matt : “Laura... you’re my favorite 13 year old.” (cue all the jokes about holes)

Travis : “Raise your hand if you have less than 30 hit points.” (Five people raised a hand) Patrick Rothfuss, in an audible whisper : “I could probably take out the whole group...”

Gilmore : “If anything, this experience has helped me come to terms with the fact that I should NOT be on the battlefield.”

Vex : “Kerrek, are you secretly a dwarf ?” Kerrek : “No, though the similarity is notable.”

Critical Role without context with Travis, to Matt (after he gave Grog a pretty cool Warhammer) : “I love you right now. If these two tables weren’t in our way...”

Grog wanted to take Vex aside for a moment. Vex : “Grog. I’m already seeing someone.” (to which Percy made a “yesssss” sign)

Marisha : “You know how, a blade of grass can break a block of concrete ?...” (after a confused silence) “I’m doing some monk shit, all right ?” (which is funny because I know she plays a monk in campaign 2)

Taliesin, playing Scanlan, sang a modified version of "Roxane" by The Police : “Rock glyph !/ You don’t have to turn on the blue light/ Rock glyph !/You don’t have to give our bodies to the spikes !” Everyone was very impressed.

Kerr : “So this is pretty much just a Tuesday for you guys, right ?” Percy : “It’s more of a Thursday.”

Scanlan inspired Vex with a limerick : “Gern Blanston wept and wept-o/his wonderful broom had been swept-o/first our Vex spied it/then she Shanghai’d it/because it turns out she’s a total klepto !”

Raishan : “Why won’t you all just stay down and die with dignity ?” Vex : “We don’t do anything with dignity !” (this should be Vox Machina’s motto)

Sam : “It’s going to be Shorthalt and de Rolo in heaven...” Taliesin : “Oh, it’s so cute that you think either of us are going to heaven.”

Grog, to Percy : “Wait. Prove that you’re you.” Percy, after a moment, smugly : “No.” Grog, satisfied : “It’s you.”

Kerrek tied Scanlan’s hands to the bedpost, and gave advice to “keep the blood going”. Matt : “You unintentionally learn more about Kerrek’s history than you expected to.”

Vax : “We saved the world, but we are still a bunch of assholes.”

Percy : “I could watch your moral panic all day, it’s so delightful.” Keyleth, flustered : “Shut up, Percy !”

Earthbreaker Groon, to Grog : “And with gentleness there comes clarity.” Sam, whispering very loudly : “I think you’re going to have to fuck him, Grog.”

Grog, to Vex, very seriously : “I trust the others, but… I know you on a more intimate level.” Vex, also very seriously : “ ‘Cause you saw my titties ?” Grog : “Pretty much.”

Taryon : “I can grant powers to many people. For instance...[to Vex] you, Little Elf Girl, what’s your name?” A quick moment of silence, as Vex is seized by anger and then all at once, with the face of “oh no, he didn’t !” : Travis : “I’m gonna move over here.” Liam : “I’m stealthing.” Marisha : “Keyleth uses a fog cantrip and just fades into the alleyway.” Taliesin : “I just hex into the shadows.”

Keyleth, about Taryon : “You guys, he’s like the worst alter-ego version of Percy ! He’s a rich kid who just buys all of his cool toys ! No offense, Percy.” Percy, who agrees with this assessment : “None taken.”

Things that are just really cool/funny :

The best scene of episode 78, and possibly the whole show, belongs of course to Percy, knocking on Vex’s door, hoping to “talk” and when she opens it she’s completely naked, according to Laura. Iconic. Superb. What a power move.

Wil Friedle is a comedic genius, he invented Dale and his wife Anne on the spot and put Matt to the test.

I, like the cast, would also watch the fuck out of the adventures of Kash and Zahra.

They found a tapestry that flies ! To replace the flying carpet Vax lost into acid. Laura was so happy.

Another iconic scene : Vax interrupted Percy’s bath to have a nice talk with him, saying he feels like the’re brothers now. And then Laura made the move of century : “As soon as he leaves, I come up from the water and go ‘Ugh ! I thought he’d never leave !’” Travis just got up to applaud his wife, I was on the floor, Liam was fake disgusted, everyone laughed for one minute after.

They made Kerrek drink the sandkeg’s alcohol. Then Patrick Rothfuss rolled a one on Kerrek’s constitution saving throw. Kerrek was paralyzed (Keyleth : “Kerr. The fire has passed through you.”) Then Allura tried it. And was not paralyzed. Everyone was very impressed.

Liam made Patrick Rothfuss say “irish wristwatch” 3 times in a row, and he didn't succeeded once.

Awww, it’s canon, Keyleth now has shorter hair because of lava (and then Vax cut it more prettily).

The entrance to Opash’s caves was technicaly a door. And Vox Machina spent two hours trying to pass it. Doors !!! The true ennemy.

Keyleth asked Vax if she can pet his wings while they’re in the middle of exploring a creepy room. Allura sighed very audibly.

When Raishan cast Meteor Swarn, Percy absorbed some of the enormous magical dammage thanks to Cabal’s Ruin, which was “exhaulted” on the spot.

Keyleth’s Feeblemind on Raishan. What a move. And what a super gif of Marisha falling of the bench in shock !

Meta :

Sam’s adds watch : 78) his new character, Brody Slater, a blonde surfer from Malibu which was Sam with a horrible wig and a funny acccent 79) an old Dr Seuss poem Sam “found in his garage” 80) an ad in Spanish even though he doesn’t speak Spanish and asked for his neighbour’s son’s help for the translation 81) a fictionnal message for the Critical Role phone line 82) Liam did the Lootcrate ad in lieu of Sam who was not here, and did a limerick : “Sam’s style is not what you’d call quaint/let’s be honest, my man is no saint/but Lootcrate is happy/ his pitch plans are snappy/singing songs about fisting and taint” 83) Sam talked about Marvel but managed to got every characters’ name wrong. 84) Sam made a video for his Lootcrate ad, since he was not there, it was him on vacation skiing, filming from a mecanical lift. 85) Brody Slater was back to do another ad with his terrible wig and terribler accent, to take this to “a whole new echelon” according to Travis. My favorite was the message for the Critical Role phone line.

Sam revealed that he wore a t-shirt with himself 5 times in a audacious mise en abyme, and then later called Laura’s attention and messily made out with himself (Laura : “Thanks for getting my attention for that”).

The crew applauded when they took the break, after Thordak was dead.

I feel like the set changed during the Christmas break of 2016, the light is better. What is sure is that they changed the mics thanks to a generous sponsor ; the sound is indeed more clearer.

Matt is still working on his rule for multiple deaths, apparently. Increasing the DC for resurrection by 5 every time seemed too hard, he thinks of adjusting it to 2 every time one of them dies.

I love that the socks they sell were baptised by the cast ‘Socks Machina’ over a year ago, as a joke. And now it’s NOT a joke. Also I want those socks.

Grog tried to ask Vex for the Deck of Many Things back. This lead to the best interaction between Travis’ and Laura’s characters, because they at first tried to stay in character (Grog made puppy faces), but when Laura/Vex tried to give him a false pouch and rolled a stealth check at disadvantage for 9, versus Grog’s perception roll of 6, Travis couldn’t believe his eyes, and kept sending his wife death glares. I love them.

Vax asked Pike, played by Laura, to cast a protection from death on his sister, played also by Laura, and Pike agreed. The others were playfully giving shit to Liam for this (Marisha : “So easy when you have the pin code...”).

Marisha and Percy were playing Scanlan for Sam, and were debating “according to specific instructions that were given” if Scanlan would have taken a dose of suude. They decided that yes, he would take a snif (Marisha : “This feels so weird”). Adn thus we got to see the mecanics of getting high in D&D, after Scanlan succeeding his saving throw : he won for an hour a sorcery point that he can spend like he is metamagic sorcerer (in my memories, Tiberius was one, no ?). Matt explained that basically : the more drugged the character is, if he succeeds his saving throw, the more sorcery points he gains ; but also the more chances of overdosing and pass out.

They were realising that Sam would not be here the next week for Scanlan’s resurrection. Sam, from far away from the room : “Get used to it !”

Marisha requested pop corn for the Grog vs Earthbreaker Groon fight, Denise said off-screen that there were none in the building, and they cursed her name, but 10 minutes later, Brian brought them pop-corn.

Grog’s attacks were inefficient, since he had to make a wisdom saving throw and failed every time, Travis was losing his mind. “Monks are fun” said Matt. I wonder if this is the NPC that influenced Marisha’s choice to play a monk in campaign 2.

I love how the cast reacted to Scanlan leaving, jokingly insulting Sam and Matt, screaming at them (Marisha’s piercing scream “I DON’T LIKE CHANGE !” had me rolling on the floor). After Matt called it, it was pure chaos, they were all screaming and laughing and the crew was shooting Sam with a nerf gun. Amazing.

Talks watch :

Mary and Wil are so much fun. They were kind of afraid on their first session because they never played D&D, and they sat with Matt to create their characters. Mary chose a tiefling warlock because she felt this was what was missing in Vox Machina in terms of race and class. Wil chose a cleric because he was interesting in the healing part of the class.

Wil loves military history and battle tactics, and he’s from a military family, so that’s where Kash came up with those tactics.

If Percy hadn’t come knocking on the door, Laura said Vex would probably have walked out the door naked and gone to his room.

Travis is really allergic to cats and that’s why they never had the game at Taliesin’s house.

Taliesin said that Zahra and Kash staying to fight the fire giants was like the end of season 5 of Angel (bless him for saying that, I love that ending).

They got a lot of stuff from the set from flea markets, not full price everytime because of Laura Bailey’s powers in haggling, she’s apparently really good.

Brian made them cocktails one time during Critical Role, which they said he should do more. But Matt doesn’t drink when he DMs (a “self-imposed rule” according to Marisha).

I love Brian lines and jokes, followed by total silence then everyone starts laughing. I’m a good audience, I love people who make jokes on jokes.

A number of people from the cast gave a note to Matt for if their character died...

Matt quoted Tolkien as his biggest inspiration from a fantasy standpoint, and said that he discovered Tolkien when his grandma read him Lord of the Rings at 8 years old.

Travis wants Grog to DM a game for Vox Machina, that’s a BRILLANT IDEA.

At this point in the campaign, only Vax and Keyleth have not died.

Ashley, following from far away, was the one who thought of the letter and the line “I can't raise Kaylie alone”, so Laura made Pike say it.

Marisha got lots of messages about Keyleth getting her friends killed, but she defended her choices and I agree with her : Keyleth did exactly what she said she was gonna do, and it’s not very different from the others times that Vox Machina ran in blindly !

Laura wrote another limerick for Sam just in case : “Have you heard tale of Scanlan the ass ?/His rhyming is endlessly crass/but he doesn’t just sing,/his blade can deal quite a sting,/just ask that old blowhard in Brass”

Marisha said they talked between them and agreed that the worse way to go would be to fall into lava while something completely unrelated was going on... and then Keyleth faceplanted into lava during the Raishan battle and she felt a deep sense of irony.

Matt apparently anounced that now every time a character dies, the difficulty for resuscitation will go up.

The guy from Critroll stats was very interesting, they’re a team of 4 people. He began watching CR when Grog was fighting in the pit in Vasselheim, and wrote HP down, and that was the beginning. Every Thursday, they use a Google Doc and note everything, and livetweet the episode. They are already tracking more than 40 things, including weird and funny stuff like “how many times does Matt facepalm ?”.

Sam and Liam have a podcast called “All Work No Play”, with 14 episodes done in 4 years. The question was funny because I know they ressuscitated it now because I see it on the Critical Role channel on Youtube.

Sam said that Scanlan’s death was a nudge into his darker path, but it was building up ever since he found Kaylie and his new responsability. Liam noted that Vax is going up, while Scanlan is going down.

Sam googled just enough about football to mess with Travis.

Sam says that what draws people like them into art is exploring other people’s problems, like addiction, and experienced that through it, and so he found out interesting to play Scanlan going down that path. Brian had a lot of thoughts about addiction, and the consequences catching up to people doing things like that, which they inevitably do.

Laura came up with the bathtub moment on the spot, and it was pending on whether the conversation between Vax and Percy would be long but thankfully it lasted 90 seconds.

Liam is “the president of the Laura Bailey fan club since 2006”.

They all have theater or training improv and they know each other for years, so when they do scenes successively, they’re able to not stop on each other's toes. The “And I walk away” was created because of that, because in improv you have to tell when a scene is finished, said Liam.

There was a video of Matt Mercer at karaoke singing “Piano Man” and it was everything I never knew I needed.

Matt Mercer only got revenged against a player, long ago in a different campaign with different people, towards someone who was very belligerent (and crude and very gross according to Marisha’s details on him) ; and so he quickly killed his character by collapsing a cavern onto him.

Everyone talked about things that helped them through dark times, and it was really touching, for example Marisha mentionned her immense love of Avatar the Last Airbender because she discovered the series during though personnal times.

Brian’s favorite NPC is Gilmore.

Marisha thought about getting Keyleth multiclassing in barbarian, but the idea passed because it didn’t really go that way, but she thinks if one day something goes terribly wrong, her anger could be a reason for that.

Marisha can apparently “beat up everyone in this room” (man, I believe it) according to Matt, and Taliesin said she has a lot more combat training than the rest of them.

“Tarvis Willingrod” is NOT Travis’ porn name (which is “Vagina Thrill Swim”), but a name that Brian used for him 8 years ago in a joke.

Brian and Ashley’s dog Sully, short for Sullivan, was a guest. I’m not a dog person but he was cute. We also learned that Matt and Marisha have a bird named Dagon who gets carsick.

Talisein explained why he called Percy an asshole even though he loves him and “love teenage assholes” (Brian : “Can we provide a bit more context for that sentence ?”).

They think if Raishan hadn’t been Feebleminded, it would probably have been a TPK, because as Laura pointed out, she was blocking the entrance, and even them she would have pursued them. Matt and Marisha calculated after the chances of Keyleth, with still her elemental form, being the sole survivor of Vox Machina.

They’re discussing options for if Scanlan’s resurrection doesn’t work, and the option Reincarnation would be better than nothing ; but Marisha thinks that Matt wouldn’t let them just do it, but rather sent them on a quest for talking to a god or finding a Wish spell.

Marisha, Laura, Ashley and Taliesin are short worded when they think about what Critical Role meant to them ; it simply changed the course of their lives forever.

If Sully was a character in their campaign, he would be a grumpy dwarf or a grumpy wizard, or Victor according to Ashley.

Taliesin was whisper asking Matt if Percy was in the bad place or in the good place, and whether his soul was once again attacked by Orthax.

Which dragon would they date ? Raishan for all because she “seems the most freaky” but Laura said that Krieg “was a hottie”.

If Ashley had been at the Halloween episode, she would have want to be Victor (she would have fought Matt for it).

Ashley will maybe tell one day who Pike had a crush on, it almost come up at one point but the others still don’t know.

Brian wants to do a segment called “Taliesin toped your story”, where someone tells a story and Taliesin always has something crazier happened to him.

Brian’s other job is doing security for Two Broke Girls. Wow that joke is old.

Matt revealed that if Vox Machina hadn’t pursued Raishan immediately, she would have gotten away, being a faraway villain, maybe in the next campaign. She was Matt’s favorite member of the Chroma Conclave to play, because the interaction with Vox Machina were much richer.

Travis talked about what it’s like being a sports man and a theatrical/DnD nerd (the duality of man !) and the shit his friends on one side gave him sometimes. It was very thoughtful and interesting, ‘cause I bet that there are not a lot of people like him that can exist with those two facets. And that’s a shame because he’s more interesting because of that.

According to Liam, Sam is an obnoxious foodie type of people, the kind that says “oh ok that recipe you made is good, but I can make this dish better than you”.

Matt explained in details his theory for the Belt of Dwarwenkind and Grog’s beard : speaking of, they talked about how amazing Liam’s beard looked (I’m not a beard personn (ha !) but ok I can admit that it looked good).

Matt says the players’ paranoïa about Senokir’s box is “delicious”, “very interesting and fun to watch”, and was surprised that Ashley was the most suspicious.

Sam thinks a character death could be so meaningful for Vox Machina, and referenced Jane the Virgin even though he doesn’t watch it, and I loved him for it.

Matt talked about his new ideas for subclasses : one was a idea for an order of monks based around the Cobalt order of Westruun, and this was funny because I know this is the subclass that Marisha plays in campaign 2.

#my thoughts #critical role #cr campaign 1

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akozuheiwa · 5 years ago

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Tagged by @yellowmagicalgirl! <3

Ao3 name: AkozuHeiwa

Fandoms: my current main fandom is Tales of Arcadia, but I have some Marvel oneshots and some VLD fics I reeeaaallly gotta finish and one Harry Potter fic transferred from FFN

Number of fics: 14 on Ao3 specifically

Fic you spent the most time on: honestly Light Years from Home and I’m technically still working on it just slowly when I have bursts of inspiration

Fic you spent the least time on: probably It’ll Be Cool which I wasn’t even gonna post originally

Longest fic: Fully written? Wizards: The Ones Who Stayed without a doubt

Shortest fic: Why Sirius Isn’t Allowed to Babysit which is an old one I transferred over from FFN

Most hits: definitely LYfH

Most kudos: also LYfH

Most comment threads: and once more LYfH

Fave Fic you wrote: that’s a tough one but I’m gonna have to go with wiz-fic

Fic you want to rewrite/expand on: I want to finish my three VLD WIPs but I also want to rewrite Fixing the Future from FFN one day which I’m not linking because it’s a hot mess

Share a bit of your WIP or share a story idea you’re planning: since I’m still in the planning phase of Legacies, so I don’t have much to share for it except for a few concept scenes that are major major spoilers so instead, have a teeny bit of concept scene from Krel Runs Away AU, which may never be properly written but I’m obsessed with anyway

“So you have been living with the blond oaf?” she asks.

Krel bristles despite himself. “Hey, be nice. Steve is great. He and his family took me in, treated me like one of their own… they’re like a second family.”

“Sorry, sorry,” says Aja. She gestures to Seamus. “Introduce me?”

“Um,” Krel manages. “This is my Seamus – I mean my friend Seamus!”

He doesn’t have to look to know Seamus’s face has gone scarlet. His own face feels like all the blood has suddenly rushed to it. What a time to have that kind of slip of tongue. Aja is never going to let him live it down, and worse, if she tells Steve? Oh, Seklos, Krel might just die of embarrassment.

“What are you doing on Earth, anyway?” Krel asks.

Aja’s face darkens. “It’s a long story. Come with me. Vex is probably getting worried, and I – some things you should probably see.”

Krel isn’t sure he likes the sound of that. He’s entertained a number of options for Aja’s sudden appearance on Earth, but none of them seem quite right. The Zerons mentioned General Morando. Krel barely remembers the man, banished when he was very young for reasons Krel doesn’t know. Maybe he put out a hit on Aja and so Mama and Papa sent her away to hide. If Earth was the best place Krel could find to hide, what’s to say Mama and Papa wouldn’t have found the same?

The walk is fairly quiet. Krel has to answer Steve’s panicked texts to assure him that he and Seamus are okay and he’ll explain when he gets home. He doesn’t even hesitate before sending, but after he does he realises that even knowing that his family wanted him and looked for him, he… wasn’t thinking of Akiridion-5 as home anymore. Instead, when he thought of home, he thought of Steve’s house, he thought of his shared room with Steve, he thought of Arcadia. He has friends here, and – whatever Seamus is – and suddenly he can’t imagine leaving.

Seklos. How is he going to break that to Aja?

I’m still very tired from staying up all night due to storms, so I’m not gonna specifically tag anyone this time, but if you see this and want to do it, consider yourself tagged by me!

#tag meme #fic writing #akozu's wizards #while i'm forcing myself to focus on legacies i still work on my other aus #so many aus #krel runs away au is my new baby though #misunderstandings galore #angst angst everywhere #i love it

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loquaciousquark · 6 years ago

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Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E56 (March 26, 2019)

Gooooood evening, everyone. @eponymous-rose is taking a well-deserved break, so I’m stepping in to ruin reputations and botch direct quotations all over the place. Here to give us the appropriate gravitas and fear for the evening is the Chamber of Chairs:

Tonight’s guests: Liam O’Brien & Marisha Ray. Dani flips Liam off to start the show and it’s pretty funny. “What did I doooo?”

Tonight’s announcements: Last night was the season finale of Between the Sheets, featuring Ashly Burch, who is shockingly short in person. The VOD’s up for subscribers now, and it’ll be posted on YT tomorrow for everyone else. The Ashley Johnson episode will be up soon! Yay! Remember, no new episode of CR this week, and no new episode of TM next Tuesday as a result. Normal CR broadcasting resumes April 4. The Kickstarter hit $8 million today. Liam: “Oh boy oh boy oh boy it’s fine it’s fine IT’S FINE.” The final goal is $8.8m with 23 days to go, and a behind-the-scenes filming of the theme song was posted today on the KS. The video’s actually pretty cool & features Ashley in a feather boa!

Anyway! Episode 56: The Favor

CR Stats! This was the shortest episode of this campaign at 2h19m15s of gameplay. Only Shopping and Shipping from C1 was shorter. This episode tied for the fewest spells cast in one episode (six) and all were cast by Caleb. Over the 44 episodes & 136 days the M9 had the dodecahedron, they gained 25 fragments of possibility and actually utilized 13.

Liam and Marisha talk about having a timer in the office: “It has been 27 days since the last Holy Fuck ending.”

None of them thought Matt was going to cut it off at that point, but when he explained he wanted Taliesin there for the next part, it made sense to all of them & they all agreed it was for the best.

Beau has four thousand thoughts racing through her head right now. One of them is excitement about getting to learn the Kryn more, but she’s also terrified. Henry interrupts with the most adorable baying howl and he walks offstage. What a good pupper.

Liam describes the moment as everyone frozen in amber as they wait for the next episode. Beau will figure out something to her advantage between now and then.

Marisha likens this moment to the Emon attack and the Lorenzo fight with Molly in terms of emotional shock. Brian remembers Sam was in a tux that night; Marisha: “I knew it was going to be a funeral tux.”

There’s another question about how Marisha/Beau feels about the dodeca handoff, and both Liam and Marisha start laughing about how this entire TM episode is just going to be about the ramifications of Caleb’s decision. Liam: “No regrets,” but he understands there’s going to be a lot of fallout. They talk about how the ramifications will depend on how public the Krynn make their gift: will it be parades in the streets, a handshake and dismissal from a private room, etc? What if there was a Dairon-type spy in the room who’ll tell people they don’t want to know about their actions? They’re eager and afraid to see the fallout.

Brian points out everyone could see on Travis’s face he would rather have gone to jail, but further discussion is derailed by questions.

The group had discussed the possibility of handing off the dodecahedron in the past, but he hadn’t considered ever handing it off until the last sixty seconds when “everything was going to shit. It was more mathematical than anything. It felt a lot like Avantika. We’ve got a plan, the plan’s broken, but we can get away, no, we can’t get away, now this is changing--I don’t want someone outside our group to control the situation if I can act first, if I can punch first. Everyone’s trying to negotiate and it’s failing, I don’t want to give up this thing either, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die, here’s--this.” Caleb wanted to save the group. He wouldn’t have taken the gamble even two minutes earlier. Then, suddenly as it began to work, he & Caleb began realizing that not only did it work, but it worked very well and now his brain had split into two: “oh, thank God, I care about these people, I can save them,” and “how do I use this to my advantage.”

Caleb was quiet through most of this episode because he really wanted to discuss several things in private with other group members--that’s what he was thinking about for most of this.

Dani points out everyone expected physical travel between this fight & the audience with the queen where there would be downtime to discuss things. None of them expected immediate teleportation.

If Beau had been in a position to stop Caleb from giving up the beacon, she would not have stopped him.

Beau was wincing as Nott & Jester asked questions they should have already known the answers to. Liam points out it’s the war room in Dr. Strangelove--only the most powerful people would have been there. Beau dislikes authority but doesn’t think she’s stupid enough to have gotten herself seen as an obvious traitor.

Everyone revels in Matt’s Caduceus impression.

GIF of the Week: Liam pulling the dodeca out of the haversack by Will D. Brian singsongs “Travis is tilted~, Travis is tilted, look at his face~” over the GIF playing. Haaaaaahaha, poor Travis.

Liam: “I think I’m just in the shithouse.” Marisha: “You blew the shit whistle.”

Brief hilarious aside where they discuss Tetanus Terry (ft. on Travis Willingham’s YeeHaw Game Ranch) & Caleb Widogast getting fully replaced by Terry as a backup character if he gets assassinated.

On a scale of 1-10, Beau is following Dairon’s advice to a 7. She’s trying not to get attached, not to die, to listen, to not get impatient, to not be biased. She’s probably going to get closer to people than Dairon would suggest, but thinks she’s trying pretty hard.

It wasn’t cathartic for Caleb to renounce the Empire like this. His parents were very pro-Empire, and now that he’s on this journey to atone for his parents’ deaths, he’s done exactly the last thing his parents ever, ever wanted him to do--walked into the heart of the enemy and gave them everything they wanted. (Brian, Liam, & Dani briefly rag on Tumblr still having faint life somewhere. “Female-presenting nipples” comes up. It’s funny and also very sad.)

Brian discusses how it’s a big moment, but it’s not a victory for the group. Caleb was just shooting for a short-term immediate solution. Marisha: “It feels like a sitcom bait-and-switch. Nah, it’s cool, guys, we’re gonna pretend to be waiters and we’ll sneak into the kitchen,” but then they sneak into the kitchen and the cook laughs that the sous-chef is out today, and “now we’re in over our heads!”

Brian reveals dramatically that last night he came out as a supporter of Liam for President of D&D Beyond. Liam: “Beneath all the chicanery & hair product, there is common sense."

Liam & Marisha talk about the difference between Nott/Caleb’s original first podunk jail and this potential maximum security prison.

Caleb imagined the BDSM straps over his shirt and coat. Apparently most of the fanart generated this week has failed to include them.

Both Marisha & Liam VEHEMENTLY agree they hated not being able to be main parts of the Brightqueen talks. They also talk about how they both are far better at CHA than Nott & Jester, though they point out in fairness that Matt’s told them he always adjusts the social DCs based on the arguments they make.

As far as the slavery part of the disguise, Marisha: “Marisha has laughed at every piece of fanart. Beau was surprised. Beau’s gonna have a talk.” She (Beau) felt they had discussed the costumes, the pretense--but not the bullying & active degradation her group put her through. It was huge, an eye-opening moment for Beau in a way she (Beau & Marisha) absolutely did not expect. She never thought they would abuse their status over her in that way.

They discuss how on a meta sense, they all knew that the scene was just Travis and Laura trolling them and having fun at their expense, but at the same time it’s still happening in game and will have in-game consequences. Marisha: “It’s like at a party where your good friend starts getting a little too drunk and starts making fun of you a little too much--it’s a little too real.”

That said, one of Marisha’s favorite fanarts from this week was Beau (as a table) swearing under her breath at Jester with her feet up. It’s an interesting juxtaposition.

Fanart of the Week: The Brightqueen by Nikki Dawes.

Beau does not feel she’s betrayed anyone by being present at this event. She knows where her allegiances lie, so just because this happened doesn’t mean it’s changed anything about what she believes. That said, she has no love for the Empire. She’s very personal with whom she cares about. She doesn’t have as much obvious disdain as Caleb does--she’s just more indifferent.

Caleb has a high CHA that he just doesn’t use anymore, because the people he knew with high CHA that used it did so to do bad things. Liam thinks when Caleb was young he was very gifted, charming, and attracted people to him; now it’s all gone. He can hold it together like a sandcastle by the tide for an hour, but in the end it always washes away.

On Nott speaking for the group: Marisha always likes hearing Sam talk. In some ways Marisha felt it was the same thing she used to get for Keyleth-- "why are you talking? You shouldn’t be talking. You shouldn’t be the talker.” Everyone should have their own voice, regardless of the scores on the page. “Your stats are there to influence the effects of what happens; they’re not the Bible. They’re not law.” She reminds us Vex once entered an arm-wrestling contest with a strength of 7.

How does Beau feel now that Caleb’s made another huge decision without consulting the rest of the M9 (i.e. Bowlgate)? It’ll play out in game. It’s a big deal. Liam admits he loves it. “The whole point is conflict resolution, so you need conflict.” He loves things like this, like the Astrid letter, because it opens opportunities to explore characters. In some ways it’s the same thing: they were in an impossible situation and Caleb sees it as protecting his friends, but that’s not how it read to anyone else. Marisha points out that once again he made himself the authority to make this huge decision without discussing it with anyone else in the group.

Marisha and Liam start talking about the decision more, decide it should wait for the game, but then keep talking despite themselves. Marisha points out that on top of his (once-again) unilateral decision, his speech was also framed selfishly (”I did this thing, I brought this back to you,”). To her, it still feels like the same thing with Caleb deciding things with major consequences for the rest of the group without their input, though she admits it’s colored by their (Beau’s & Caleb’s) history. Liam talks about how in the moment he was scared of deception checks, so he just tried to be as truthful as possible--nothing he said was false because he was only speaking for himself. He could not have spoken for the group & still been truthful. It’s a really interesting dichotomous discussion, both of them talking about what they felt in the moment versus how it came across to everyone else.

Liam feels it’s more like seeing someone dying in front of them & wasting time discussing whether they should do CPR or not, rather than him making decisions for the whole group. Marisha’s face obviously disagrees (so do I, ahaha). Liam also thought they were going to continue the episode & talk more, which would have kept it from being as much about him. This is gonna be super interesting when it actually plays out, for sure.

Once again, no new CR this Thursday or TM next Tuesday. Most of the rest of the programming will stay the same. This Tuesday’s Mame Drop will feature Max James of CR production fame.

We end on this eldritch horror:

"Weuuuh, Caleb knows best! Caleb will make the decisions for all of us in this D&D game!”

Aaand we’re out. Stay turnt.

#critical role #critical role spoilers #talks machina #talks machina spoilers #long post for ts

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dontdietwd · 5 years ago

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Don’t Die, day 61, part 2

Merle had been quiet for the past few minutes, but I wasn’t fooled. I knew he was high, his mind probably elsewhere, and that he would return at any given moment. I sat on the pipe where he had his back onto and just observed. The group was quiet. Andrea and Jackie were side by side looking down at the street, talking quietly. T-Dog was sitting on the floor, still in pain from the beating he had received, the radio in hand. Morales seemed anxious, pacing slowly close to the parapet. Glenn had sat down on the same a few minutes ago, expressionless, but I could see his eyes dancing quickly as if thinking hard about something. The new guy – I wondered why nobody had even asked his name yet – was still where I had left him minutes ago, on the other side of the roof.

I had heard what he had old Merle about being just a guy looking for his wife and son and felt sorry for him. He seemed hopeful, or at least seemed to be holding tightly to that hope only to keep moving, but I had a more realistic mind. I knew how unlikely it was that the man would ever find them. They’d probably be gone now, dead or undead. I looked down between my knees, shaking my head. This man had better have an idea to get them out of here soon. The doors were blocked, our cars surrounded, the street looking like an ant’s nest from above. It was not safe to try and pass by them; we’d all end up dead. So far my only idea was to wait it out, the walkers were bound to give up and disperse slowly, but they could break the door before that, so it was not an option. Unless they passed flying above the walkers or underneath

Underneath.

I heard voices now, I knew the group had started talking again, but only heard them from the back of my mind. If we could find a way to pass by the walkers, maybe a way to go into the sewers…

“How’s that signal?” the sheriff approached asking, looking down to where T was sat.

“Like Dixon’s brain. Weak.”

“Keep trying,” Morales told him.

“Why?” Andrea’s tone was hopeless. “There’s nothing they can do. Not a damn thing.”

“Got some people outside the city, is all,” Morales clarified it to the new guy. “There’s no refugee center. That’s a pipe dream.”

“Then she’s right, we’re on our own,” the sheriff said. “It’s up to us to find a way out.”

“Good luck with that!” Merle drawled from his spot, making me turn to look at him. I had really though he’d been out all this time. “These streets ain’t safe in his part of town from what I head. Ain’t that right, sugar tits?” he was now looking at Andrea, who was fumbling into a backpack on the ground. I rolled my eyes knowing what was coming. “Hey, honeybunch, what’d you say you get me out of these cuffs, we go off somewhere and bump some uglies? Gonna die anyway.”

“I’d rather,” Andrea cut him off as she got up, something from the bag in hand.

“Rub muncher. I figure as much.”

My mind was only half on what I heard around. I was half glad Merle had never proposed me something like that, half still thinking of the possibility of finding a sewer to climb down.

“The streets ain’t safe…” new guy was mumbling.

“Now that’s an understatement,” Morales told him, deep frown in his forehead.

“What about under the streets?” I voiced what I’d been thinking and stood up, taking two steps to approach them. “The sewers?”

“Oh, man!” Morales’ face lit up.

“Hey, Glenn!” I called him and saw him straighten his back immediately, ready. “D’you know if there are any manholes in the alley?”

Glenn got up and ran instantly. He returned in a moment, still running. “No, must be all out on the street where the geeks are.”

“Maybe not!” Jackie, who had been quiet for the most part of time, spoke up. “Old buildings like this were built in the twenties. Big structures often had drainage tunnels into the sewers in case of flooding down the subbasements.”

“How do you know that?” Glenn asked her.

“It’s my job. Was. I worked in the city zoning office.”

Silence took us for a moment while we all looked at one another. The sheriff looked at me then, raising an eyebrow in question.

“We’ll try this,” I decided. “We have to find the entrance to this tunnel. Glenn?”

“I think I might know where it is!” he smiled and ran in the quick way that he did, we all following him without further questioning.

* * *

The subbasement was pitch dark when Morales, Andrea, Jackie, the new guy and I followed Glenn down, only our flashlights making possible to discern anything. We stood at a guardrail, looking down at what looked like a sewer entrance. Glenn informed us it was the lowest point in the building, therefore the most probable place. When questioning who was going to go down there to see if it would work, every single head turned to Glenn, he younger and quicker one, except for me.

“We’ll be right behind you,” Andrea told him. At least, I thought, she’d had the decency to sound guilty for suggesting him to go down there.

“No, you won’t!”, Glenn answered firmly, surprising the others. “Not you.”

“Why not me? Think I can’t?”, Andrea now sounded offended, a second’s change on tone.

“I – I wasn’t…”

“Speak your mind,” the sheriff told Glenn and made me roll my eyes. I was annoyed now. Annoyed with how everyone turned to Glenn when something scary had to be done, annoyed at Andrea’s both kinds of tone, and now at the new guy trying to give heartfelt advice when he had only just arrived.

“Look, until now I always came here by myself. In and out, grab a few things, no problem. The first time I bring a group everything goes to hell. No offense. If you want me to go down this gnarly hole, fine, but only if we do it my way,” he looked down at the entrance and back at the group. “It’s tight down there. If I run into something and have to get away quick, I don’t want you all jammed up behind me, getting me killed. I’ll take one person.”

The new guy straightened up and opened his mouth to speak, but Glenn cut him out. At least he had tried to step up, I would give him that.

“Not you either,” Glenn said raising a hand to stop him. “You’ve got Merle’s gun and the key to the handcuff and I’ve see you shoot,” he stopped to look at me, across from him on the guardrail. “Right?”

“I’d feel better if you were out in the store watching those doors, covering our ass,” I replied and added, looking at Andrea, “You’ve got a gun, so you should go with him.”

The both of them nodded, and so did Glenn before he kept talking, “You’ll be my wingman,” he told Morales, who nodded. “Jackie and Sam’ll stay up here. Something happens, you’ll cover the entrance and yell down to us, get us back here in a hurry.”

“No,” I said and they all looked at me. I had crossed my arms, gesture they all must have known by now to mean I had my foot down. “I heard what you said, Glenn, but no. You’re running the group today, I know it, but sorry, no. I won’t get you down there. I’ll go with Morales.”

“But Sam, if something happens the camp needs –”

“I ain’t worried about the camp now, Glenn, what matters now is that we get outta here safely, and you’re the one who knows this place well enough to help get us out. I’m not risking that,” I saw Glenn start to disagree, but I knew we didn’t have much time to discuss it. “I’ve made up my mind, Glenn. You’re not going down there; I am. You stay here with Jackie. Sorry, dude, that’s final.”

Vexed, Glenn looked down, not trying to hide he was not happy with the decision, but didn’t say anything. The others nodded and I poked Morales in the arm as I passed by him on my way to the ladder. Four flashlights illuminated our way down, me first, and as the we stood on the bottom of the pit, Andrea and the new guy left to go back to the store. With a look and a nod, Morales and I walked into the sewer. There were rats – real big ones – down there, but I didn’t mind them. My wingman and I walked slowly and in silence for a few minutes, the air stale and thick made it hard to take any deeper breath.

“Hey, Sam?” Morales broke the silence quietly, but still it sounded loud down there. “What’d you make of this new guy?”

“Hard to say. Nosy, for sure. Walks in here kicking the door and handcuffing people to the roof.”

“Do you think Dixon was gonna stop?”

“Think so. I got my own problems with Merle but we manage. No way we’ll ever know now.”

“Guy’d better find a way to get us outta here if the sewers don’t work. We’re trapped in here ‘cause of him.”

“Ya damn right. Not that he did it on purpose or anything, but is still on him.”

“So, d’you think we like him?”

I turned my head a bit to look back at Morales, understanding that by ‘we’ he meant the whole group.

“Not up to me, Mo. Ya wanna like the guy, you like the guy. I don’t dislike him, if you wanna know, but I’ll keep an eye on him.”

“Guy reminds me of Shane a little,” Morales told me. “Like it’s on him to take charge.”

“So we’ll be fucked. Two cops banging on their chests? Don’t see how this gonna work.”

“Hey, is that a door?”

At the end of the tunnel, a heavy looking metal door closed the way. Morales stepped up to open it, he had to use his shoulder weight to push it open, but it didn’t offer any more trouble. Inside, the air was even thicker, the smell of something dead hitting us like a punch. Morales and I looked at each other and nodded, agreeing how careful they had to be. Across the small area there were a few steps down and, finally, a round hole closed with iron grid.

“Yeah, we got ourselves a sewer tunnel. Jackie was right.”

“Can we cut through it?” I asked as I touched the iron. It seemed awfully strong.

“If we have a blowtorch and half a day, sure. Dale’s hacksaw sure as hell won’t do it.”

Unmistakable sound or growling reached our ears then, among rat’s squeaking, making us both take a step back from the grid. A walker inside, still chewing on a rat, tried to get to us, his arms crossing the grid, face pressed onto it. Another walker joined it then, and by the sound of it, there were more approaching.

“Well, fuck,” I said aloud over the walkers’ moaning. “Ain’t a good idea to spend half a day to open hell’s gates.”

* * *

Silence was once again over us, but the tension was more palpable than ever. The first glass downstairs had been broken by the walkers, who were working insistently on breaking the second one – the only thing separating them from our group upstairs – as we looked down to the street, thinking hard. The sewers had been a dead end, as Morales and I regretfully told the others when we returned. Thunder rumbled in a low threat above our heads. The new guy had a pair of binoculars in hand and had been looking around for a couple of minutes now, quietly. I was by his side on the parapet and he handed me the binoculars as if in a kind of sudden revelation.

“That construction site,” he pointed to it making me look in that direction. “Those trucks, they always keep keys on hand.”

“You’ll never make it past the walkers,” Morales said by our side, shaking his head.

New guy looked past me and Morales, to Glenn. “You got me out of that tank.”

“Yeah, but they were feeding. They were distracted,” Glenn tried to dismiss it.

“Can we distract them again?”

“Right!” we all turned to look down at Merle, handcuffed. I’d thought he’d been sleeping or something, he had been so quiet. “Listen to him, he’s on to something! A Diversion, like on ‘Hogan’s Heroes’!”

I had no fucking idea what Hogan’s Heroes was, and by Glenn’s looks, neither did he. I assumed Merle had not said something good, as expected, by the other’s reactions. The sheriff, though, only moved on.

“They’re drawn by sound, right?”

“Right. Like dogs,” I told him. “They hear a sound, they come. Is why your bullet got so many of them on our asses.”

“What else?”

“Other than by sound?” I snorted a laugh. “They see, smell, all the works, like any person but dead. Man, have you been in a coma or something all this time?”

“They can tell us by smell?” he asked, ignoring my question.

Glenn laughed nervously, “Can’t you?”

“They smell dead, we don’t. It’s pretty distinct!” Andrea also had the unbelieving tone on her voice. None of us understood how this guy had survived so far without knowing this basic information about the dead. The dead, though, were almost invading the store by now, so there was to spare time to talk about this. We had to get out, and fast.

He looked around, at each of us, and even though nobody knew this man, it was written all over his face that he had an idea, a mischievous grin on his lips.

“What?” I asked him.

“So if we smell and look like them… They won’t see us. Ain’t that right?”

Nobody answered, but Andrea laughed it out, Glenn looked nauseous and the others seemed just ultimately hopeless. But damn. A light bulb turned on atop my head. What a fucking good idea!

“Wait, guys,” I told them and the man looked at me, the glint in his eyes sparkling more. “It makes sense! Just, I mean, got no idea of how doing it –” I paused, ideas dizzyingly flowing around my mind. “Guts, you think?”

He smiled. “That’s exactly what I’m thinking.”

* * *

He didn’t want to do it, it was clear. The idea of slicing and digging though a walker’s corpse with axes had been ok in theory, but now as we all looked down at the walker – one T-Dog had beaten to death with a baseball bat earlier – the idea seemed much more stupid. I stood away with the other two women. Not that I was showing or telling anybody, but my stomach was complaining loudly at the mere idea of what the men were going to do now.

The kid didn’t like guts, apparently.

They had paid their respects for the man that walker had once been – Wayne Dunlap, and he was an organ donor – and now there was nothing else to do but gut him. Exclamations, disgusted sounds and something in Spanish followed the first blow and kept coming for as long as the sheriff dug into the corpse with the axe he had taken from the wall. It had been decided I was going with him; we were already wearing a beige robe over their clothes, ready to the gore shower. I was breathing hard while it happened, as intestines and other indistinct, putrid smelling human organs were exposed and turned to pieces.

“I am so gonna hurl…” Glenn moaned across from me, reflecting my thoughts.

“Not now, please, Glenn,” I told him despite my own nausea.

“Everybody got gloves?” the man asked as he stopped a bit sweaty. “Don’t get any on your skin or in your eyes.”

Reluctantly, all the others started shoving their hands into the walker’s guts and pulling pieces and gooey things out to rub on us both, all the while complaining. It took no more than a minute for Glenn to let go and turn around, away from the others, to throw up. The sound and smell of it, combined with the few pairs of hands rubbing gore on my clothes triggered my own nausea. I shoved the hands away and also turned away.

“I can’t!”, I without taking a moment to think. “Oh God, I can’t!” and went on for a second round.

So now, after I had shrugged off the robe and it was wrapped around Glenn, who recovered from the nausea as I simply didn’t, I felt so angry I almost cried. I knew I had to be the one to go with the sheriff, I didn’t want anyone else to do that in my place, especially Glenn, but as I retreated to the other side of the room to hurl for a third time, I knew I didn’t have a choice. Glenn and the new guy – I wondered why I hadn’t still asked about his name – were now covered in red and black matter and Andrea was handing Glenn her own gun.

“What about Merle Dixon?” T-Dog asked the man and, after a second of thought, he fumbled under the dirty robe and into one of his pockets to fish out the handcuff key. He handed it to T, reverently, and the other man nodded, gravelly. Oh, god damn it! The keys should be with me, it would be my responsibility to set Merle free when the moment came, but now they had restarted the process with the remaining guts of the walker, and I couldn’t look or talk anymore. I had nothing else to throw up now, but the kid was still extremely angry with the scene.

* * *

“Hey, what’s happening? Sam?” Merle yelled hoarsely as soon as we returned to the roof, running to the edge to look down the street.

“T, try the radio again!” I instructed instead of answering.

“Hey, come on! Talk to me, yall!”

I looked at him only long enough to see Merle seemed a bit soberer than before, his words less slurred. I kept running to the edge, though, as T-Dog’s voice trying communications again sounded through the roof. Morales found Glenn and his gory companion down the street in a moment, pointing down at them, followed closely by a loud thunder echoing down, as if on cue.

“That asshole’s out on the street with the handcuff keys?”

T-Dog held the key, toying with it for Merle to see. His face showed the dread of being literally on T-Dog’s hands after having beaten him up. Merle looked directly at me for a moment, but I didn’t say anything, turning to look down again. Maybe it would be good for him to feel fear once in a while.

“Hello!” a crackling voice sounded over the radio, making everybody silent and turn towards it. “Hello? Reception’s bad on his end! Repeat!

“Sounds like Dale,” I whispered, afraid my very voice was going to make the connection fail. There was more static and a few lost words, but it was more than they had been able to get until now. “Just tell them what’s going on, maybe they’re listening.” I told him a little bit louder.

“We’re in some deep shit,” he started. “We’re trapped in the department store. There’re walkers all over the place, hundreds of them! We’re surrounded”.

Nothing followed it. Dale’s voice didn’t sound again and, slowly, even the static stopped.

“Good, now they think we’re dead,” Andrea whined as she turned to the edge of the roof again.

“Hey!” Merle yelled again. “The fuck’s going on?”

“Shh, Merle!” I turned to him. “We don’t know! They’re just walking to the construction site, nothing else!”

What followed were minutes of desperation. It had started raining, a quite strong shower, which seconds later made the two of the man down the street start to run. Tens of walkers ran after them, almost as fast, having scented they living flesh. Up on the roof, there was nothing anyone could do, and I dreaded the moment I would see Glenn get caught and eaten right in front of our eyes. They were far now, jumping over the construction fence only a second away from the walkers’ jaws. The fence fell even before they reached the truck they had been aiming for and it was possible to see them entering and closing the doors a breath away from being reached by the dead. The truck sped away immediately, leaving our line of sight.

“They’re leaving us!” Andrea cried.

“What? What?” Merle reacted from his spot.

“No, no! Come back!!” Andrea kept going.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Andrea, shut up!” I snapped. “They won’t leave us, are you crazy?”

“Do you see them?” the blonde, crying woman turned to me, and pointing somewhere out the building. “They’re gone! They know there’s no way out, they’ve left us!”

“They are coming back,” I stated firmly and looked at the others, who also had desperation on their eyes and back at Andrea. “They’ll be back! Quit being such a fuckin’ drama queen.”

It took less than two minutes for the radio, still on T-Dog’s hand, to creak alive. “Those roll-up doors at the front of the store facing the street?” Glenn started nervously but speaking rather clearly. “Meet us there and be ready!”

Hopefulness repapered on everyone’s eyes and, without saying more, we all started gathering our bags in a hurry. With two backpacks over my shoulders, I turned to Merle, only to see all the other run towards the door, including T-Dog, accompanied by Merle’s desperate screams as soundtrack.

“T-Dog!!” I yelled as loud as I could. “Get your ass back here with that key!!” Anger raised to my throat, reddening my face as I saw my supposedly friend look between me, Merle and the door, doubtful if he was really going to go back. “Gimme that fuckin’ key, T-Dog, or so help me God!!”

He turned and ran to me, finally. Everybody else had vanished through the heavy roof door and I was still close to Merle, I hadn’t been able to take a single step towards it. As T-Dog approached and Merle still yelled desperately, his voice hoarser and hoarser, he took the key out of his pocket. It flew out of his hand in a moment, so fast I could barely follow its motion, as T-Dog tripped and fell to heavily to the ground. They small key disappeared into one of the drain holes, followed by a frantic wail of “No!” from Merle.

“Fuck!” I cried, hands raising to my head. “No, fuck! Fuck, T, the fuck did you do?!”

“Son of a bitch! You did that of purpose!”

“I didn’t mean to!”

“Fuckin’ liar! You threw it on purpose!” Merle kept on furiously.

“It was an accident! I’m sorry!” T kept apologizing as he walked backwards to the door, and then turned and ran away.

“Fuck!!” Merle cried, unintelligible words of rage coming out of his mouth as he fought the handcuffs, strongly enough to draw blood from his wrist.

I joined him; backpacks forgotten on the floor as I sat down and started kicking the pipe with my heels. It didn’t even make a scratch.

“Stop it, ya fuckin pussy!” Merle yelled at me, his free hand pulling me away from him. “Ya gotta go. Go, get the fuck away from here!”

“I ain’t leaving ya here!”

“Yeah, y’are! They’ll leave ya here too, go!”

“No, Merle! I ain’t leaving you alone here! They’ll – I don’t – They’ll come back for us.”

“They won’t!” he shouted to loud that a vein on his neck seemed to pop. “They not coming back, ya gotta go! Go, get the fuck outta my face!”

“Merle –”

“I don’t want ya here, Georgia!” he spat and actually foamed out of his mouth, getting up as best as he could with a hand attached to the pipe. “Leave me alone! Go, now!”

“Geor – ” I started, confused.

“Aren’t ya listening to me? Go! Go! Get lost, Georgia, now!”

“Okay!” I finally cried, getting up bringing the bags with me. “I’ll go but I’m coming back for ya, Merle, me and Daryl, we’ll come back!”

“I don’t fuckin’ care, GO!”

Fighting the urge to cry, I ran, Merle finally going quiet. As I crossed the door, I saw a chain that had not been there before, with a heavy padlock hanging with it on the door handle. Relieved someone had taken the time to put it there before fleeing, I locked the door behind me, still taking an extra second to make sure it was firm in place, before flying down the stairs.

There were walkers inside the store, having just broken the glass. I stopped for a second, “No, no, no…” before making a mental line from where I stood to the door that would lead me to the doors Glenn had spoken about. Holding the bags firmly around my shoulders, I set to motion, running right towards the walkers. Two meters away from the closest one, I took an abrupt turn to my left, a still empty area and had to climb up to a counter, running on top of it, avoiding walkers’ hands by inches. Closer to the door, I was able to fall back to the floor and run. The others were there, on the side room, throwing the last of the bags into the parked truck, yelling incoherently. T-Dog took my bags before motioning me to take his hand so he could help me up. With an angry frown, I rejected it and climbed in by myself. The truck doors were still open as it took off, the sweaty, smelly sheriff driving it away. Morales closed them and we all sat down, heavy breaths and the nearly audible sound of our heartbeats.

After a moment of silence, the others started looking abound, confused, especially at T-Dog and me. Bile rose to my throat once again, at him for dropping the key, at the stranger for handcuffing him in the first place, and even more at myself for having let Merle bully me into leaving him there. Fucking dammit, I had just left him behind!

“I dropped the damn key,” T-Dog explained bitterly, and what happened had become quite clear. We had just abandoned one of theirs.

Silence took the truck, exhaustion winning over words. Morales was having a quiet conversation with the sheriff on the front seat, but I couldn’t listen. I had lain down on the floor of the truck, an arm draped over my eyes. Glenn had passed by us minutes ago with his sports car, alarm buzzing loudly, cheering in joy. I didn’t blame him. We had gotten out, half by his brave actions, and he hadn’t just been forced to abandon a friend behind.

A bit calmer now, I felt my stomach complain by the motion of the truck and my position, but I couldn’t bring myself to move, my mind worried about something else. How on Earth was I supposed to tell Daryl about what had happened? About me going even though he had asked me not to? About not being able to control Merle? About him being there, even now, alone and handcuffed on the roof under the sun? I was apprehensive over his reaction with the others, but dreaded the possibility of him hating me. What the fuck was I gonna do if Daryl turned away from me?

It took less than expected go get back to camp. Truck parked close to the end of the road, Andrea was the first one to slide out, running to reencounter her sister. Morales, also eager to see his family, was just as fast.

“Hey,” I turned to see the sheriff approach me behind the truck, the others already away. “I just wanted to say… I’m sorry. For your friend.”

“Yeah? Are you really, new guy?”

He rested his hands on his hips, looking down but with eyes still on my face. “It was never my intention to leave him there. I just wanted him to be in control.”

I breathed out, annoyed, fingers pinching the bridge of my nose. “Fuck, I know that. I know alright? I don’t blame you for doing that. But, fuck, he is there now, trapped, and it is because of that. Just a fact.”

“Hey! Helicopter boy!” Morales voice sounded over the reunion and conversation that had been going on nearby, making us both look in their direction. “Come say hello!”

He looked again at me as if asking for permission or what to do. “Just go,” I told him and turned to get my backpacks. I felt like crying, exhaustion hitting me like a wrecking ball. I knew Daryl wasn’t back from his hunt yet, it would most likely happen tomorrow. It was good, I thought. At least I would try to get some sleep before having to deal with it and probably lose one more friend.

My thoughts were interrupted by a child’s cry, squeaky and happy. Carl’s voice, I recognized. Turning to look, I saw him throw himself over the new guy, who was now on the floor, crying, clinging to him. It made sense when I looked at Lori, her eyes, which were naturally big even wider now, filled with tears. In a moment the three of them were hugging. Over their shoulders, he was now looking at Shane, who had a confused smile on his face, and the whole camp understood. The new guy was Rick Grimes.

* * *

I hated that Carol had to help prepare dinner and then take her part and her family’s and go sit away from the others, not being allowed to socialize, talk like everybody else. Ed made her sit away, Sofia in tow. The low fire creaked n the middle of the group, quietly listening to Rick tell them what had happened. He had woken up from a coma in the abandoned hospital, completely unaware of what had happened – exactly like I had unintentionally guessed up on the roof. Now it made sense why he knew nothing about walkers. He had gone home and then back to Atlanta and that had been when they met, never once imagining that his family was back at the camp. Lori had told me Rick was dead, that Shane had seen his body. Now, as Rick spoke, wife and son wrapped around him, I observed Shane’s expression, or lack thereof. Nothing other than his wide eyes gave away anything he was feeling. He smiled a bit every time Rick looked directly at him, but his smile vanished as soon as he thought he wasn’t being watched. Making a mental note to observe him even closer than I always did, I decided something was definitely going to come out of this.

On the other little group, Ed placed an extra log on their fire and it rose up, light strong enough to call attention. Shane looked at me. That was supposed to be my kind of responsibility.

“Damn, Shane, could you take care of it?” I asked him, happy to give him something to do other than watch as his best friend took away the girl he had been seeing. “I just can’t deal with fuckin’ Ed right now.”

“Sure,” he said as he got up, seemingly grateful for having a chance to direct some of his feelings. He got up and the group remained in silence for a moment, the creaking of the firewood the only thing to be heard. I could feel the weight of stares on my direction.

“Sam?” Glenn broke the silence with an almost whisper, two spots away from me. “You okay?”

I looked at him for a moment before answering, clearly aware of all the eyes on me. Bitterness coating my eyes and voice, I finally answered “My friend’s just been abandoned handcuffed to a rooftop in a walker infested building. I ain’t okay.”

Glenn tried a sympathetic smile, but failed miserably, making me almost feel sorry for him. Nothing of it had been his fault; he went out there, risked his life covered in walkers’ guts to take them all out of there. That was something I would never forget.

“Have you given any thought to Daryl?” Dale asked me carefully. “He won’t be happy to hear his brother was left behind.”

Before I could laugh and tell him ‘no shit’, T-Dog answered his question. “I’ll tell him. I dropped the key; it’s on me.”

“I cuffed him. That makes it mine,” Rick cut matter-of-factly.

“It’s not a fuckin’ competition!” I told them both with a bit more force than intended. Before moving on, I breathed once and continued a little calmer. “He’s not gonna wanna hear it from the one who cuffed and the one who lost the key.”

“I did what I did. Hell if I’m gonna hide from him.”

“We could lie.” Amy, leaning against her older sister’s shoulder, barged in.

“Or you all could stop pretending you actually cared for Merle or even for Daryl,” I gave up on hiding my annoyance. I looked at Amy, “Lie, really? Is that what you’d all do if I wasn’t here?”

“We’re telling the truth”, Rick spoke as firmly as me.

“Merle was out of control,” Andrea also opined and looked at Lori. “Something had to be done or he’d have gotten us killed. Your husband did what was necessary, and if Merle got left behind, it is nobody’s fault but Merle’s.”

“Right, I see,” I spoke again. “None of you waited. You all just ran away from the roof, ignoring his screaming for help. If I remember right, Andrea, you were the first one out of the door. If I didn’t plead for T to come back with the key,” I looked at him, “you’d have left as well. Dropping the key was an accident, but you weren’t even gonna go back to try. So, please, do not tell me being left behind was Merle’s fault. All the rest, yeah, but not this.”

“I was scared and I ran. I’m not ashamed of it,” T-Dog answered my accusation. “We were all scared, we all ran, and for what I see, so did you. You’re here, ain’t you?”

“He made me run. Even high and desperate he knew I’d also be left behind if I didn’t run. Or would you guys stop, or even think of turning back to get me? I did run, yeah, but I stopped long enough to chain that door.”

“Thought you would…” T said, calming down a bit, lowering his voice and looking down. “It was on the floor, by the stairs, I got it and hung on the door, thought you’d lock it.”

“Yeah… Thanks for that…”

“Hold on…” Andrea whispered. “What does that mean?”

“Staircase is narrow,” Sam started explaining. “Few walkers may have climbed it, not many, not enough to break the chain.”

“No. Not that chain. Not that padlock,” T-Dog continued my thought.

“It just means that Merle’s still there. Alive, abandoned on the roof, alone and handcuffed. That, no competitions for who’s the guiltiest – That’s on all of us.”

Painful silence stretched around the fire. I felt my throat constricted, wondering again how I was supposed to tell it to Daryl. T-Dog got up holding his ribcage, looking like he might throw up. I had to get out of there as well, and knew nobody could possibly say anything of use now.

“We’d best be getting of”, I informed after a moment. “Was a long day for all of us. Everyone who hasn’t been to Atlanta today should take the rounds, we’re wracked. That ok?”

Nodding, the others agreed and started vanishing to their own posts or tents. I didn’t want to think of anything else, not tonight. Entering my small, orange tent, I dropped to my bed without even removing my shoes, passing out rather than falling asleep.

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