#he wants to visit hiiiim

[lord-pigeon]

Well at least the epilogue for the Lantern Rite was funny as hell

Local Grandpa avoiding the other grandpa to avoid getting his ass beat

Daughter to Daughter communication

Lesbians

Rizz being a troll

Chlorinde and Furina still being like, the best homies

Hu Tao continuing to be best girl

Neuvilette literally being the dad to all the girls in Fontaine

The gift Neuvi gives to Rizzley has given me brainworms, it's so goddamn cute

[selfproducingfanfictionauthor]

looking back at you - part i

Summary: Everybody talks about the terror, the calm, the longing in staring in the abyss. But nobody talks what happens when the abyss starts staring right back at you. Or, you’ve love him all your life and now you don’t know what to do. 

Pairing: Seokjin x reader

Warnings: This scene is heavily inspired by the scene between Laurie and Amy in Little Women (2019) although this story will veer off its course as we go on.  Notes: Short chapters for quicker updates is my jam. I love Seokjin and I’m finally writing for hiiiim.  Word Count: 1k *ish*

Everybody talks about the terror, the calm, the longing in staring in the abyss. But nobody talks what happens when the abyss starts staring right back at you.

You’ve loved Seokjin all your life. Have looked for, at, and after him ever since you’ve known him. You’ve looked at him with a sheer of innocence in your youth that eventually fell away when you grew older and learn how to desire. And your eyes began to stray from just his beautiful face but down to his chest, to the way his arm flexes when he lifts books for your mother, and to the way his thick thighs fills his breeches.

You’ve looked at him with naked desire and longing for more than a decade, it’s impossible he doesn’t know. And yet, he’s never looked at you with anything other than a passing glance, all his sight consumed by your brighter, whirlwind of a woman sister.

And for so long, you were angry. Angry at the world, at your sister, at the universe for making you less and putting you beside someone who makes you look even lesser. As a child, jealousy is your greatest flaw but it was negligible as many children’s flaws are but when nobody’s looking - and when had anyone ever bothered to look? - between your elder sister’s departure to Seoul, and your younger sister’s death, you’ve turned into a woman.

A woman with responsibilities. To secure a husband, to secure a future for the good of the family. And a woman with that lofty of a goal cannot afford to carry anymore of her childhood flaws. And so you’ve changed.

Away from the family that never saw you, from the sister that outshone you, and from a man who didn’t love you - you’ve changed, grown into your cheeks and filled out your dresses. Learned how banter with wit, flirt with your eyes, keep them hooked enough to come back, give enough push to tease but never to be admonished for it.

And with your own charms, wit, and beauty, now, you’re on the precipice of achieving your goal in the form of a proposal from another Mr. Kim. (“You’ve always known you’re going to be a Mrs. Kim,” your mother wrote, “you just never specified which one.” - ah but you did, in your prayers, every night, in every temple visit and in every coined toss in every fountain but that’s all for naught isn’t it?)

So, like everything else, of course, Seokjin comes to ruin it all. As he always does for you, and you, stupid girl you are - the one you revert to for him, with just one glance, one smile - allowed him.

“You’re being mean, Seokjin.” Childhood bleeds into your words and you completely miss the way his eyes flit to your mouth back to your eyes, and the sheer despair in what he sees in them. Your words a deflection to his earlier command (a plea, he wishes you could see) of “Don’t marry him.”

“Mean? How am I being mean?” he asks, his heart aching at the complete distrust in your eyes even when it’s not laid upon him but at his clavicle, as if you fear even just looking into his eyes.

When you were younger, you never thought of Seokjin to be capable of being anything other than perfect. He’s light, wit, beauty and charm made alive with every gesture of his beautiful hands, with every theatrical delivery of his woes.

But you know better now. After all, hadn’t it even been a month since your disastrous argument at the ball? Where he showed up drunk, heartbroken from a long-coming rejection from your sister, with two equally beautiful and bold women draped on his shoulders like ermine fur. Where he stared at you, surprised, as if he hadn’t made you wait for an hour. Surprised, perhaps, that you even showed up at all.

Younger Y/N would’ve cowered and wept at home, but you’re older now. Wiser. You know your worth and even if you love him - and you do, quite desperately, the type of love that consumes and threatens everything - you will not compromise on this.

“You— you can’t do this to me,” you say, and you allow yourself one small reprieve, a reminder of youth long gone and clutch the sides of your dress like a petulant child trying to keep their crying at bay, ���Not now.”

Seokjin advances on you, purposeful steps eating away the distance between your heart and his and wills you to understand and allows a bit of his gentlemanly wiles fade away, “If not now, when? When you’re married to Namjoon? Is that when? Would you rather I stand witness at your wedding and protest in front of hundreds of people—“

“You wouldn’t—“

“I would,” Seokjin interrupts, his hands on yours pulling it to his chest, “I would for you.”

His heart cracks yet again at the distrust and suspicion in your eyes as you pull back your delicate hands, stepping back looking every bit of a woman you’ve turned into. “You lie.”

You turn away, and suddenly your dress is too tight and you heave out heavy breaths, stepping out of the shadow of the courtyard to where the sun lays its rays heavily. Underneath it, you are brilliant, shining and beautiful in Seokjin’s eyes, and he wonders how he’s missed it — how you’ve missed it.

You’re beautiful. So, so beautiful. 

Enamored as he was, he’s not prepared for you to eat up the distance between the two of you, your very presence suddenly so big and undeniable in his life.

“I…” you begin, eyes dry and voice steady, your aunt would’ve been proud. “I have been second to my sister my whole life. Second-born, second place, the spare daughter — what have you. But I will not be someone you settle for just because you cannot have her.”

If your sister is a whirlwind, then you are the sea, Seokjin thinks. And the two are incomparable, forces of nature but while he is nothing but swept into your sister’s world, you— you make him want to sail, and dive, and drown in you.

“Not when I’ve spent my whole life loving you.”

He wants to tell you, but as you turn away, hair glinting in the sunlight, steps sure and back straight, he fears that he has lost his chance.  

End Notes: I think this will be a short series, maybe 5 parts!  Hearts are appreciated but comments are gold. Let me know what you think and if you want to be included in a tag list!

[mari-gt]

The Big House (Strawberry Shortcake part 3)

Hiii! So we are again with this incredible story, woooow! If you just got here it's better to read the first part but if you stay here we'll be my guest!

Anyway hope you all enjoyed and have a good reading

https://miratale.tumblr.com/post/188150318147/knowing-marcus-strawberry-shortcake-part-2

---------------------------------------------------

After a few moments of everyone get to know each other and getting inside Steve's car, the traveling to his house was starting to get exciting because the girls wanted to know everything about Steve.

"And what about you house! Is it big like you?" Apple Dumpling asked with curious.

"Yes it is hahah" Steve chuckled a bit. 'They are so cute and tiny!' Steve thought looking for they quickly, he had to focus on the road.

"Do you have some pet?" Hunkcleberry that was on Steve's shoulder asked imagine how big it could be his pet.

"Oh yes! I have a dog and a cat." Steve answered and then he think about it. "But if you all want I can take them away from you, I mean they usually stay inside the house but I can make them to go outside."

"Oh no it's okay, and they are very cute." Strawberry said for Steve, she was on the passenger seat with Orange, Lemon, Sweet and Sour Grape. While Apple, Blueberry, Raspberry and Hunkcleberry were on Steve's shoulder, they are tiny people so they fit perfectly on the shoulder.

"Alright then." Steve say it and remember the day Strawberry was in his house playing with his dog it was so cute. He got a little red on his cheeks.

"What do you work with?" Lemon wanted to know.

"Oh I work on coffee shop with some of my friends." Steve say it looking at them with a smile. "I always liked to cook and make coffee, it's relaxing, and then I just followed my dream you know."

"Oh that's great! Strawberry, Sweet and Sour Grape are great doing food." Lemon say it excited.

"That's good, I mean I already knew that Strawberry could cook, but it's nice to know that are more." Steve thought about the recipes they could share or make together. "So what you like to do?"

"Pretty much everything we can" Sour Grape said rolling her eyes. "Mostly cakes and pastries" Sweet Grape look at him with sorry eyes about the rudeness of her sister, but Steve just chuckled.

"I didn't know you have people working with you, last time I went there you were working alone." Strawberry said with curious eyes, she really didn't remember about someone working with him.

"That's because they new at the town, they came a few months ago, Leon and Ray hired Sam and Stan to work with me on the coffee because the things start to get a little hard there." Steve explain remembering the confusion that it was with those brothers.

"I'm sorry but who are they?" Strawberry asked with the most confusion and cute face for Steve.

"They are my friends." Steve answered. "I hope one day I can make you meet them if you want of course." Steve looked for all of them to see if they agree, he doesn't want to do anything that they don't want or like.

"We would love to meet your friends." Strawberry and the others agree, it would be so nice to meet new people like Steve it would be like a new experience.

"Okay then." Steve chuckled and think about it, 'that actually would be great, I won't need to hide this secret anymore.' he never tell for his friends about the existence of tiny people and that he was a friend of one of them.

"Well you should take some rest now you all look tired." He was right they were really tired after the travel and adrenaline of fear about Steve when they meet him.

Steve put Apple, Blueberry, Raspberry and Hunkcleberry at the seat that the others were. They got ready to sleep, Strawberry looked at Steve while he was driving.

"What about you? Won't you sleep too?" She asked worried, she didn't want him to get tired.

"I'll be fine don't worry about me, we are almost there." Steve looked at Strawberry with a calm face. Strawberry get a little red and looked away after agreeing, Orange noticed her blushing and whispered for Plum "Sheee loooove hiiiim" They laughed and finished their things to sleep.

Strawberry heard but ignore, she went for where they were sleeping and lied near Apple that was already asleep. She take her last look at Steve.

"Good night Steve."

"Good night."

________________

Like Steve said it didn't take so long to get back to his house, but it was surely late and he was tired.

He parked his car on his garage and pick up the girls with the utmost care for not waking them, he was going to take the cars in the morning after he wake up. When he enter the house he was surprised by his cousin that live with him.

"Hey Steve you're back! Where did you even go?" Alex came down stairs after hearing the door.

"Shhhh please speak a little lower" Steve said quietly for h Alex direction.

"Sorry" Alex apologize not understanding why.

"Sorry I didn't said anything about where I went... What are you doing wake up at this time?" Steve asked.

"Oh it just... I had some ideas for what to do for my blog I had to put in practice as soon as I could and... What are holding?" Alex looked down to Steve's hands, he saw a full of dolls.

"Oh this are my new friends."

"Dolls? Wow now you're really weird." Alex said looking at Steve with sarcastic eyes and back at the girls. He noticed that their chest was moving and then Lemon was talking sleep, in that moment Alex got scared.

"W-what?!? Okay this is definitely not dolls!" He almost shouted, taking a few steps away form Steve.

"Shh! I know and I'll explain everything while you help me, come on." They walked up stairs and Steve was explaining everything.

"So how long you and Strawberry know each other?" Alex asked.

"It will make a year now since we met." Steve answered and start to yawn.

"They are very cute that's true but why their names are frut names?" Alex asked looking at them, and he noticed that they smell was so good that he didn't stop sniffing them until Steve said to stop.

"Sorry but I can't resist it is so good!" He take his last sniff and sighed.

"I know." Steve take a big yawn. "Well it's better if we take some sleep too. I'm going to my room." Steve was walking to his room after his last look at the girls that were at a deep sleep.

"Good night Steve."

"Good night Alex."

-------------------

Strawberry start to waking up, she noticed something was wrong so she open her eyes. She look around and saw that she wasn't in her bed or her house, then she remembered the things that happen yesterday.

She yawn and stretched and looked around again but this time admiring the big house she already visited, there were somethings new since her last visited Steve's house. But something she didn't know that was someone knew as well.

"Good morning Strawberry!" Alex approached and kneel next to her. He was with a little smile and with eyes from someone who just woke up.

"W-who are you?" Strawberry asked worried, she never saw him, well she never saw someone like Steve and that is a little uncomfortable, at least without Steve.

"I'm Alex, Steve's cousin. I'm living with him for a while just until I get my own house." Alex present himself for her nicely, and Strawberry lost a little of the worry.

"Oh nice to meet you!" She gave him a smile that was returned by Alex with another smile.

"Hi Strawberry!" Apple shouted from Alex shoulder.

"Hi Apple, I didn't see you there." Strawberry shouted back to her cousin with a question on her face that Alex noticed.

"Me and Apple meet each other after she wake up and start to exploring the house, she got lost in my room but luckily I was already awake to help her." He look at Apple and she chuckled.

"I got desperate! First I didn't know how to come back and then a strange giant suddenly appear!" Apple put some drama on the store and they both laughed. "Of course I lost my fear very quickly after he helped me, he's so cool!"

"Ah geez thanks." Alex got a little red about the compliments.

"Strawberry the house is so big, it's bigger than a tree." Apple shouted to Strawberry with so much excitement that Alex start to laugh even more.

Strawberry look around to see how her friends were doing, some of them was still asleep but there was some who as awake and start approaching to Strawberry.

"Good Morning Strawberry!" Sweet Grape came.

"Good morning Sweet Grape." Strawberry get up and look around again searching for another person.

"Hey Alex where are Steve?"

"He still sleeping, he came really tired last night." He pointed his thumb to Steve's room and get up. "Well I'm going to the kitchen, want to get down Apple?" He looked at Apple.

"I want to go with you, if you don't mind." She said hesitantly worry if he didn't want her with him.

"alright let's go." He smile at her and went to the stairs with Apple while Strawberry watched.

"Steve's cousin is so sweet, hehehe get it sweet - sweet grape." Sweet Grape make this joke with her name and Strawberry chuckled but her sister rolled her eyes.

"Are kidding me?" Sour Grape complained.

Strawberry chuckled about the sisters complaining at each other and then look at the Steve's room. It wasn't so far from where they were, so she start to walk on the room direction.

"Where are you going?" Sweet asked.

"I'll see if Steve already awake." Strawberry answered Sweet while she was walking.

It didn't take so long to get to his room, when she was already near to the feet of the bad she asked herself how was she's gonna climb up all the bed, it was gigantic! She came closer to the middle of the bed, and saw Steve head in deep sleep.

She analyzed the bed and she got some way to climb it using the blankets. It was hard but she did it, Strawberry was on the corner of the bed getting closer of Steve starting to climb him hoping that he didn't move. A few steps later she was on his stomach, Strawberry almost fall because of the movements of Steve's stomach from breathing, it was deep and slow.

Strawberry got the rhythm and continue to walk, when she was on the chest she felt something bitting inside of it, Strawberry kneel down to put her ear and heard the heartbeat of Steve. She blush a little bit, it was beautiful for her, she wanted stay there for hours but she had to continue. When she get up Steve start to move, he turned to lie on his side, and in the process Strawberry fell.

Strawberry was ok but she have to be more careful, now she close to his face, she took a sigh of relief for getting there and look again to him mostly to his lips, it was perfect and with those beautiful eyes... No, no! She can't think about that, a relationship with Steve would never work and he probably doesn't like her that way.

She shake her head and start climbing his face.

"Steve!" She shouted at him. He didn't open his eyes. "Steeevee!" She tried again.

"hmmm... 5 more minutes" Steve complained, he didn't want to wake up.

"Come Steve you have to wake up"

"nooo"

"oh come o- wowow hey what are you doing?!" Strawberry yelled at him, he pick her up from his face holding her by her waist.

"You have to sleep more too.'' Steve bring her close to his chest with a cup hand.

"Noooo Steve we have gooo!" Strawberry tried to get out from his hand but make it hard.

"Give me a good reason to wake up." Steve asked looking down at her.

"uhmm I don't know my friends?" Strawberry suggest.

"Hmm their fine right?"

"Yes."

"Then no, I'll still here."

"What about your work?!"

"Today I don't open the coffee."

"Then you gonna wake up because I asked?!" Strawberry said with a smile.

Steve looked at her again and start to pretend he was thinking, Strawberry chuckled a bit.

"Alright alright I'll get up." He sigh from his defeat. He hold her tightly and sit on his bed, Steve put Strawberry next to him for take a stretch. Get out of his bed picking her up.

"Good morning Strawberry." He said with a smile.

"Good morning Steve." She answered him with a small blush on her cheeks.

He put her down for a moment just for him go to the bathroom. When he come back they went to the living room where the others were.

"Good morning guys!" Steve kneel near to them.

"Good Morning Steve." Blueberry smile at him and he returned with another smile. "Steve where are our cars? I need to get some of mine stuff there."

"Oh it is in my car I go get them." He answered her remembering that he left their cars in his car. Hah! What an ironic. The others agreed with her remembering that they need their stuff.

"You all want to come with me there?" Steve stand his hand flat for they climb on. They went fearless up to his hand, but they still were a little squeaky about being lifting up.

Steve got up with the girls on his shoulders and hands and went down stairs where he found his cousin with Apple.

"Hi Steve!" Alex greeted Steve. "We are doing breakfast, wanna join in?" He showed the pancakes he was doing, Blueberry, Hunkcleberry and Cherry Jam were drooling from hunger.

"I will I just have to take those cars from my car an-" Steve was interrupted by Cherry.

"Sorry Steve but can we stay here while you take our stuff? I'm so hungry." Cherry begged for Steve.

"Of course! Stay here I'll be right back." He them down on the counter next to Apple, when he turn to go to the garage Strawberry called him.

"Wait can I go with you please?" She gave a little smile like a kid when they want a new toy.

"Of course come here." He let his hand flat so she could climb on.

_______________

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Hard Times | June Goals Update

So it’s been another month. Somewhat scary to think that time flies straight over your head, and doesn't ever stop...

Anywho...

*If you would prefer to not read my struggles with bipolar disorder and in particular, the depressive side of it, feel free to skip past this ramble!*

Hey People of Earth!

I’ve had a month. It opened shitty, ended shitty, lots of shitty things happened in between. In regards to June--damn, how shitty it has been.

I have tried writing this post on its own for around a week now. And every single time I try, I end up trashing the draft. Last night I decided not to trash the draft, and post it today, but I’ve somehow trashed the draft.

Again...

So. I've sort of been severely depressed since the start of the month... Oh boy...

If you don't know, I was diagnosed officially as bipolar on May 31st of this year. I kid you not, the very next day, I fell back into this terrible depressive rut I haven't been able to escape since.

I’ve been waiting three years for someone to just validate the feelings I've had--I’ve been desperate for someone to tell me what my doctor told me on May 31st. I was convinced that hearing those words, hearing that diagnosis would make me the happiest person in the world, and I think it’s the disappointment that stemmed from not having that that just choked me this month.

I don’t know why hearing so hey, Rachel, yo, you’re actually bipolar sent me into the deepest, darkest hole I have ever existed in. Because I’d been waiting so long to hear those words. Past Me was positive everything would be better after I heard those words. Past Me always thought everything would get better after hearing those words, but things have only gotten progressively worse.

I’m diagnosed as bipolar, and I can’t tell you how hard that has been to swallow.

I’m sincerely sorry for missing blog posts, and promising I’ll come back, and then never coming back. I’ve literally torn myself apart because of this... But, I’ve lived like a ghost this month, and doing anything has been so painful. 

I went from high to low in the span of seconds, and I can’t leave.

I want to get into how it feels to be bipolar, and to cycle into these moods so frequently. Of course, this is only my experience with this disorder. Others might not experience this like I do.

So for me, shifting from high to low feels like someone is punching me in the face, and will not stop. I hate going from okay one moment, to so low the next. It’s so frustrating to me. Ask my family or friends--it’s fucking frustrating for them too because do you know how difficult it is for someone to see you having the time of your life one day, and then being in such a dark place the next? I hardly understand this. I can’t imagine how those around me feel. Switching from high to low feels like I’m a failure, and I cannot stop failing, because of all things, I can’t control my own brain, even though I feel like I should have that right. I’m not strong enough to control my brain--it controls me. Switching from high to low makes me feel so stuck. Like I’m struggling in quicksand, but there is no way out. You feel defeated by yourself, even though you shouldn't have a competition within yourself . But that’s kind of what goes on with me every time this happens. My body and soul go to war, when that should never happen.

I feel like to a point, while I emphasize honesty in my blog posts, there’s a line I draw. There’s a point where I fear if I talk more about this, and talk more about the fact that every single thing I did in June was torturous, people will not want to listen. I don’t want to bog people down. But this affects my writing life so much, and in turn, will affect you.

Imagine one day, you’re on top of the world. You have everything you could ever want. You are successful. You feel great about yourself. You are in the best state you have ever been in. Now imagine, the next day, you witness something so upsetting, you spiral into the deepest rut you’ve ever been in. You don't want to keep going. You’re choking on your own life. You feel hollow.

This happens to me. Every day. Every week. Every month.

I wish I could be more positive about this... I miss my positivity so much.

I can’t remember if I’ve talked about this on here before. But January and February are always the worst months I ever have to experience. Jan and Feb of 2015 were emotionally draining, but I didn’t know why, so I moved along as they went. Jan and Feb of 2016? A little harder to get by, but I did it, with a little help from ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES. Jan and Feb of 2017? Completely different ball game. I’ve never fought so hard to stay here.

Until June…

I always said that if I didn’t have a diagnosis before January and February of 2018, I’d probably not survive beyond then.

I didn’t know I was capable of feeling that pain in a completely different realm of time.

June isn’t the winter. June is sunny, and bright, and where all the happiness should stem from. There are flowers outside. The sky is blue. Everything is beautiful. June isn’t supposed to bring misery like January and February. June is supposed to be breezy and light, and the cross into summer vacation. But I just exited the hardest month I’ve ever had to live through. And I hate that I’ve said that statement somewhere around 8 times in my life, and I’m hardly even sixteen.

I can’t tell you why I’m so depressed. I can’t explain it. I can’t tell you it’s because something bad happened in my life. Because nothing did. Nothing happened. Nothing should have changed.

Gah. I didn't want to have to say all of this. But I know if I don't know, I never will.

So welcome to my off day. Or my off month. I guess.

So now that all of that's been said, let’s get into these insanely ambiguous goals, shall we?

1. Hit 80k in FOSTERED #5.

HIT 90K BABY.

2. Outline more of ALANNIS, and like maybe try to finish it, though I mean this isn’t going to happen, so yeah, just work on it pls

Didn’t even touch the thing. lol sorry.

3. Upload another video.

Guess who didn’t do this. Guess who has a video ready to upload just sitting on her computer. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Actually, I do. (Reference above, lol)

(I will get this thing up when I feel a little better I promise!)

4. Read a book yo.

Didn’t do this. Also because of the above. Sigh. I did start THE HATE U GIVE and it’s amazing thus far. I’m around 100 pages in, and I love it.

5. Finish another character portrait.

If there’s something I did this month... Jeez...

I did a lot of art this month, man... So I mean, if there’s a silver lining to anything, it’s that... I actually just finished one of these an hour ago. I’m not going to show you one of them because I’m not digging the final outcome that much.

I finished this AWESOME painting of Emily from the FOSTERED books AKA the character who looks different every time I write with her... lol. (Did I just call my own art awesome? Uhm, well I say awesome because @sarahkelsiwrites​ drew the sketch, I only painted it in. So yes.)

I don't like complimenting my own work, but um, I think I have substantially (and quite miraculously) improved my abilities to shade using the painterly technique.

I actually did my first digital painting using the painterly technique earlier in the month.

Here I bring you, ‘Angsty Ben’

LOOK AT HIS EYELINER

LOOK AT HIS BLEACHED HAIR

LOOK AT HIS LIP RING.

LOOK AT HIS ANGST PATCH JACKET

LOOK AT HIS STROKES FANBOY T-SHIRT

THE SURF CURSE PATCH KILLS ME

WHO ELSE SEES THE CLIFFORD IS A DISAPPOINTMENT PATCH ON THE BOTTOM LEFT.

LOWKEY WHAT A FUTURE 17-YEAR-OLD BEN LOOKS LIKE.

Hahahahahaaaaaaa

I know. This is the best thing I’ve ever created. Ha. So this cheered me up. Awesome.

Obviously, it’s not entirely finished, though I’m just stopping here at this point, because it was really only here as a test in shading.

My point here, is that I think there’s quite a large improvement in shading...

@sarahkelsiwrites​ did an amazing job on Emily’s sketch, so huge thanks to her! I have a speedpaint for this, so it’ll be up at some point in time... Harrison is actually supposed to be next to her, buuuuut he’s giving me trouble, so... (He will be completed at some point in time also.)

AND NOW LOOK HOW LIT THIS IS

@sarahkelsiwrites​ drew me the most AMAZING portrait of Lonan, and I die.

If you don't know, the name Lonan means blackbird, and the meaning of his name, though never stated in the books, is a huge point of symbolism in the novels...

This is the sketch she drew (excuse the world’s shittiest scan):

(It’s shitty a) because the paper is kind of way too big for the scanner, and b) because haha my scanner is shitty)

BUT CAN WE JUST.

And then I, around an hour ago, went in and added colour...

AHHHHHHHH

Sarah said she’d eventually like to do a digital painting of this as well, so I’m just so stoked... THE SYMBOLISM IN THIS DRAWING ACTUALLY MURDERS MEEEEEE.

Cuz yanno, birds are supposed to be in cages, but LOOK AT HIIIIM.

In other news, I finally have an idea for book five’s cover...

Bless you, Sarah. Bless. This thing makes me so happy.

I also have a speedpaint for this. So yeah. Onslaught of vids coming your way the minute I start feeling better.

6. Complete that huge edit on FOSTERED #5.

YAAAAAS. I did this. In school. Like a boss. If you don't know, I like to go back and edit my novel every 10k words or so, and accidentally eventually let the usual 10k turn into 30k... So to continue writing, I had to make a bit of a large edit, and I did it! I think it happened in a day or so? So it was a lot less arduous than anticipated.

7. *Maybe* re-visit I’M DISAPPOINTED. Just maybe. If it won’t drive you nuts. Or at least look at the query and fix it up a little.

I thought about re-visiting I’M DISAPPOINTED. lol. Does that count. (More news on what the heck is happening with this book in my writing update which should be up at some point in time..)

8. Write at least 100 words in the I’M DISAPPOINTED short story.

I didn’t do this. I was supposed to edit what I had. I have it all formatted and everything. But I never printed it out... So then, I just never wrote anything...

Ahhh well, look at all the amazing art above, lol. I’ve done more, but I’m saving all that stuff for later when they’re all cleaned up and stuff.

So those were all my goals and stuff. So I mean, even though I had the shittiest month ever, I still managed to somehow get a lot of things done. I’m addicted to work. This is a problem.

(Oh by the way, another goal I hit this month... You know how I said a while back that I wanted to get a 97% average this semester? Well... uh. I kind of did. 97.25% to be exact... yeaaaaaahhhhhh I should stop...)

So here are more goals:

1. Hit 100k in FOSTERED #5

2. Outline more of ALANNIS, and like maybe try to finish it, though I mean this isn’t going to happen, so yeah, just work on it pls

3. Upload another video.

4. Read a book yo.

5. Finish another character portrait

like come on

6. Write at least 100 words in the I’M DISAPPOINTED short story. 

pls.

Some exciting things happening in my life right now:

- I’m seeing Ed Sheeran in concert this FRIDAYYYYYY

- I might be seeing Precious Kid in Pennsylvania. Possibly.

- MY BROTHERS MET PRECIOUS KID

- I’M SEEING FLIPPIN SURF CURSE IN CONCERT AT THE END OF AUGUST

- Also going to Mexico

So many things are happening, man...

Because this post started out as the world’s biggest bummer, I want to maybe help anybody out there who needs some comfort by sharing a couple of things that’ve made my past month less terrible.

Daughter performances have been the only thing keeping me going at night when I can’t sleep. My insomnia hasn’t left me alone for this entire week. After trying everything I know of (come on fam, even my favourite ASMR vid doesn’t work), I’ve resorted to watching performances of one of my favourite bands.

Elena writes beautiful songs about her own sadness. She does it in a way that brings me so much comfort. And while all that I go through is ugly, Elena uses words that make it sound beautiful, and in doing so, make my pain less hurtful.

I’ve never seen them perform their song Made Of Stone live, so finding this performance was absolutely amazing. I love that she expresses thoughts I’ve had myself. It makes me feel like hey, I’m not the only one. Someone gets me. This song does that very well.

See, this is why I love music. 

You’ll find love kid, it exists

I also love

This one really helped sooth my mind a bit. Which is nice. :)

This post really helped me when I was in a really suicidal rut a couple nights ago: https://themighty.com/2016/08/if-you-want-to-die-read-this/

^^^ I love this post.

On a little bit of a lighter note, Paramore’s Hard Times hits me where I need it.

If you’ve been a long-time follower, you know how much your girl loves Paramore.

THIS SONG.

Lyrically, it’s one of the saddest things Paramore has put out. But they’ve paired it with this funky beat that’s so ironically happy… And guys… The accuracy in representing depression… Oh my lord…

Hard times Gonna make you wonder why you even try Hard times Gonna take you down and laugh when you cry These lives And I still don’t know how I even survive Hard times Hard times

And I still don’t know how I even survive… <<< this hits my heart so much

I sing this part with no chilllllll.

*this brings me so much happiness*

Paramore was the thing that got me through that second terrible Jan+Feb beyond ATBP, so this is somewhat fitting…

This video by Dodie is the thing that pushed me to not give a shit if this seemed too bitter and pessimistic. She really made me feel that if I feel bitter and pessimistic, I should be real about that.

I’m not actually a fan of hers (I just don’t watch her vids, though I probably will now), but I’ve seen this thing pop up in my recommended since it came out, and I finally watched it last night. I love this video.

Also just kind of a simple one, but my sister helps too. Like loads. So far, she’s been the one to make me smile and laugh, even when I’m in the actual middle of this muggy period.

Maybe you don’t know this about me, but I’m a die-hard ASMR fan (if you suffer from insomnia, this is my secret to sleep), and CarolineASMR’s 24/7 livestream has been giving me life.

Whenever I’m just very down, and need something to do, I listen to this. And it’s always there. Which is so great for so many reasons. I wasn’t going to mention this one because I didn’t think it was that much of a help, but after going through my YouTube history, I realize that I’ve relied on this livestream so much this past week…

(If you ever need ASMR recs, hellooooo)

(START WITH BRIGHTGREYASMR THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY, YOU’RE WELCOME. THIS video is the only one that kills my insomnia around 90% which is AWESOME)

So all of these things have contributed to making my life a little easier. I wanted to share them with you to hopefully bring some light into your life, if you’ve been going through some hard times too. Just know that at some point in life, this suck will ease. I don’t know if it will ever get better, and I won’t say that because I know I don’t even like when people say that to me. But you’re literally going to keep kicking ass. Even if all you’re doing right now is existing, you are still worthy of every single moment you have. I know I don’t have hope right now, so I can’t tell you to just have hope, because sometimes, being hopeful isn’t always easy. I hope you find your hope, and I hope I find my hope. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m all ears.

That’s kind of the end of this post... Thank you for listening, if you made it this far. Thank you for letting me express myself when I need to. I hope this serves as a bit of an explanation for my MIA-ness. I’ll try to be back as soon as I can. You guys are sincerely the best.

See you in the next one. :)

--Rachel