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forsakenoathkeeper · 7 years ago

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Diabolik Idols

Mun!Sora: This is exactly what it sounds like, except like hardly any of these are actual idols by definition but I don’t give a fuck.

♥ Shuu Sakamaki

Shuu has been raised for the theater, ever since he was old enough to pick up an instrument and almost every waking moment of his life. His mother ensured it. He’s arguably the most famous violinist this side of the world, with a talent for piano and chello, as well; but, his secret is that he has no care for any of it - the fame, the glamour, the money. He didn’t choose this life. It was forced upon him. His passion for music may be strong, but he could care less of the opinions of the masses.

IF YOU PICK HIM: Shuu definitely does not think you’re worth his time. In fact, he thinks you’re a talentless loser; however, just like everything else, your apprenticeship is forced upon him. He doesn’t want to admit it, but, with time, your presence rekindles the passion he possesses for music. You, unlike the others, feel the emotions he puts into his music. Of course, he doesn’t intend to admit this to you. Maybe, you’ll uncover the dark secrets of his melancholy.

♥ Reiji Sakamaki

All Reiji ever wanted was to play music for a crowd, and to hear their cheers of joy and thundering applause. But, his mother never allowed him a chance to shine. Rather, he was forced to be Shuu’s manager, to guide him along, ensure he made it to performances on time, and that all his shows were completely booked. He’s good at it, good enough to make everyone believe he wants nothing more. After more than a decade of keeping his passion a secret, he’s become sorrowfully accustomed to living in the shadows of his brother.

IF YOU PICK HIM: When you pick Reiji, you expect a very simple apprenticeship; he’s going to teach you how to be a manager. He’s a very diligent teacher, albeit a rude one. He teaches you the basics, of course; but, he also teaches you things you never considered - knowledge that will guarantee your success. Then, one night, you accidentally stumble upon him playing a hand crafted chello. His performance is breathtaking, unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. Maybe, you, and only you, can help him step into the spotlight for the first time.

♥ Ayato Sakamaki

If you asked Ayato Sakamaki why he decided to give up basketball to pursue an idol career... Well, frankly, he just felt like it. He’s got the looks, the voice, and the dedication... not to mention quite the god complex. Girls can’t help but throw themselves at his feet; yet, none of it is good enough for him. He has money, fame, and all he could ever want, right at his fingertips. There’s something missing, but he has no idea what it is.

IF YOU PICK HIM: Ayato is certain that what he’s missing is an award, something to bring him to the next level; so, why not the King of Idol’s award? Of course, that means he needs a queen. Well, you’ll just have to do, even though you’re a flat chested moron. Every waking moment is spent preparing for the contest. The two of you need to be in flawless harmony, even if he finds your singing quite detestable... or, so he claims. As the days go on and the competition grows closer, you can’t help but wonder if his insistence is still only for the contest.

♥ Kanato Sakamaki

The world doesn’t know Kanato Sakamaki. They know Kana, leader of the lolita fashion world, gothic pop icon... and a girl. Kanato is the spitting image of his mother, except for the fact that he’s a boy. His mother was a legendary fashion icon for the majority of her life, but never had a daughter to follow in her footsteps. Kanato, however, eager to please her, was willing to live a double life, only allowed to be himself when the curtains closed.

IF YOU PICK HIM: When you pick Kana, you’re definitely not expecting her secret... until you accidentally expose it to the world. Kanato absolutely loaths you, and even contemplates hiring a hitman. Unfortunately, his mother disapproves of this idea. Your temporary partnership was supposed to sky rocket his fame, not completely annihilate it... that is, until Kanato realizes that your mistake has freed him from the constricting shackles of a fake existance. Together, you help him realize he can still be Kana... but he can also be himself.

♥ Laito Sakamaki

A well known pianist, who specializes in slow, romantic songs, and also sings whilst he plays, Laito’s music is a favorite in five star restaurants and elegant clubs. His performances are known to be breathtaking, accompanied with fresh roses and dancers. As he might say, “I may not be an actor; but, I am one for... dramatics.” His infamous reputation is that he never goes home alone: a playboy, by day and by night, who’s captured many’a’hearts. Even those who don’t know his name know his work or have heard his voice.

IF YOU PICK HIM: Laito doesn’t take apprentices. He doesn’t have time to teach someone the ways of the piano. But, as a fellow pianist and singer, Laito sees you more as competition, or a means to an end. That alone is the reason he agrees to do some duets with you. But, he finds himself unable to refuse you time and time again. There’s a loneliness to him, ever present in his eyes, that you simply can’t look past. Beyond the glamour, his frequent attempts to woo you, and playful flirting, you see something more... so much more.

♥ Subaru Sakamaki

If you called him an idol, he would scoff at you in disgust. That annoying blonde dude in the pink is an idol. Subaru plays guitar and sings rock and metal, and is the founder and core of White Rose. He doesn’t dance or throw flowers to the crowd. All of his songs are of his own making, originals birthed from his experiences, his suffering, his passions. They’re hardcore, angsty, and occasionally emotional and heartfelt. Yet, Subaru is cold, distant, and definitely not the kind to associate with his fans, or other musicians. He has the reputation for being an unobtainable bad boy.

IF YOU PICK HIM: He definitely does not want to do a duet with you; his manager can kiss his ass. But, if he doesn’t, he’ll lose his record deal. Fuck. Subaru agrees... quite unwillingly, and somehow manages to drag himself to practice. He doesn’t care for the way you sing, or so he says. Your guitar skills are mediocre at best, or so he says. You obviously don’t understand the meaning behind his lyrics... Or, maybe you do, and he just hasn’t noticed yet.

♥ Ruki Mukami

There is no jazz club this side of the world that doesn’t play Ruki’s music on a regular basis. He’s almost a legend, able to capture smooth blues and even the rolling, almost rock’n’roll aspects of jazz. He’s also a favorite in casinos. However, Ruki rarely performs live. He’s a busy man with a reputation to uphold. But, spending little time in the spotlight has greatly diminished his fame. He’s ready to make a comeback... a proper one.

IF YOU PICK HIM: You’re a means to an end, something Ruki makes very clear when he agrees to partner up with you. You’re a very talented jazz singer, though you’re nowhere near Ruki’s level. He likes that, actually; it means you won’t outshine him. But, somewhere along then way, Ruki finds himself not caring when you do outshine him. He flinches away when you accidentally touch him, and loath you calling him anything other than Mr. Mukami. But, you can’t help but wonder what he’s hiding behind those mahogany eyes.

♥ Kou Mukami

He’s been famous his entire life, beginning as a child actor in plays and dabbling in small television roles. Now, he’s an idol, in every sense of the word: music, dancing, fashion, you name it. He’s also self-proclaimed best friend to the lead singer and guitarist of White Rose, though the silver-haired boy denies it. Kou is well adjusted to this life: fame, fortune, money, and literally crawling with women. However, deep down, it doesn’t matter to him, at all. It’s a means to an end, and something to keep himself entertained.

IF YOU PICK HIM: To the outside world, Kou is flirtatious and sweet, generous, even. When you choose him, you’re partnered up for a modeling campaign that’ll involve ads, live dance routines, and even a fabricated romance. “Love sells, kitten,” as he put it. Kou is demanding, with high expectations. He expects you to always look your best, especially if you want to be famous by the end of it. But, at some point, the attention he gives you, the fake dates, and the extravagant romantic gestures, doesn’t seem to be just for the camera anymore.

♥ Yuma Mukami

Since when does one of the world’s best mixed martial arts champions become a musician on the side? Well, it all started when he agreed to sing at one of Ruki’s jazz clubs. The rest is history. Yuma doesn’t consider himself famous; but, he’s a favorite at local clubs and elite bars. He doesn’t really care for it, though. It’s simply something more carefree to do between championships and training. Besides, it’s an easy way to meet ladies who don’t expect him to stick around.

IF YOU PICK HIM: You expected to be Ruki’s associate; yet, somehow, you ended up as Yuma’s... slave. Well, that’s an exaggeration, honestly. But, you expected to get a chance to perform, to play, to sing, not be stuck scheduling and assisting this guy. You stick around, however, hoping the opportunity will come around. Yuma sees your longing for the stage, but expects you to prove your worth it before he’ll give it to you.

♥ Azusa Mukami

Azusa started small, playing his ukulele and ocarina at dive bars and the corners of popular tourist attractions. He got the opportunity to play on the radio and was picked up by a talent agency. One year later, Azusa is making record deals and modeling for boho clothing lines. He’s known for being humble, always wearing T-shirts that show off scars from the days when he was homeless, a past that he keeps well hidden, from everyone, including his agent.

IF YOU PICK HIM: It was actually Azusa’s vocal coach that put him up to this. A duet that would finally get him on the top charts and introduce you into the spotlight... if only it were that simple. He’s never written a duet before, and your presence only seems to make it worse. You’re just likely everybody else - you couldn’t possibly understand his music... It’s not just about the duet anymore, but proving to Azusa that you’re not like everyone else.

#diabolik lovers #lol this is so cheesy XD

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sincerelypoetry · 7 years ago

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The Facets of A Gemini

The following is an interview written by me, between a friend, fellow artist, poet, and rapper, SHēk.

Featured artwork, illustrated by me.

Link for his music: https://soundcloud.com/leonel-414

The Facets of A Gemini

Written by, Megan Diaz

It’s mid to late November, when I had the opportunity to meet this individual I’d consider to be quite an influence for his age. Slick in his rhymes and word play, presented with such a graceful zest within his music. The defintion of “chic” is simply, elegant, and South Milwaukee rapper, SHēk is gracefully, unapologetically a die hard for his craft. Inspired by the late Puerto Rican rap icon, Big Pun, SHēk whom also shares Puerto Rican and Mexican descent has been writing, and rapping for nearly a decade. Just shy of turning twenty this year in June, for his age, and our generation, he speaks his mind and thoughts with such poise.

Leonel Alvarez stands exactly six feet, his nearly ink black hair slicked back with a nice low skin fade taper, and he dresses in his own comfort. My first time sharing a conversation with him blew me away. For starters, I underestimated him. If he’s reading this, I apologize. I knew a lot of people who rapped with their content on Soundcloud, but as such a lover of hip hop, and respect for words in general, no one seemed to hook me on their sound. Leonel is different, not in the sense of what he produces, but in all he does. SHēk is on his own level, and his creative process is fascinating to witness in person. He’s had restless nights as he stays up late hours perfecting his music. A flaw some would call it, but the passion he has for rap is something that makes you want to work as hard as the dude hearing him go off. Anticipating his breakthrough, this is someone who I believe has the gift to achieve anything he’s dedicated to. Over the months I’ve gotten to know him, he’s inspired me heavily. Halfway through April I decided to pick his mind with just five questions, once again, his responses only made me more excited for him as an artist, and person.

What age did you realize rapping was something you wanted to pursue?

I've been writing since I was about 10/11. It was just a bunch of corny stuff at first, I wasn't great at it but it was something I really liked to do. It was a creative outlet, I was always more of a quiet kid. That was my way of expressing myself. When I was 16, I wrote more heavily. My friends would play beats in the car when we'd cruise or be posted up somewhere. They always encouraged me and hyped me up, I never thought I was really that good but their influence motivated me to keep getting better. So I started heavily writing music and really fell in love with it. That's when I started recording on my laptop, and it all went up from there.

Was there ever a moment you thought realistically that being a rapper is just a dream?

Of course, sometimes I still do. Everyone has their doubts. Especially with the music you see out now. It's like 50/50. You see the artists out now. They have no real lyrical content, no substance, if anything, the producers should get most of the credit for making the beats the audiences are truly crazy about because the lyrics aren't really there. As for the other side, it's like well if Lil whatever can do it then I can too because he ain't really saying nothing. But it's all about perspective and perseverance. If you really want something you won't give up.

Passion, grind, and hustle, all go together, how does that affect the way you approach your craft?

That's a huge part of my game plan. If I can't come forward when I'm writing with a fully committed approach it's like I'm cheating myself. I know the potential is there. Its up to me to be the one that lets it out, the one that shows out. Not only to show myself of what I'm capable of, I already know what I can do, it's more for the people checking out my music. Your music should be somewhat revealing and give the audience a sense of who you are as a person. That's when it's most relatable.

What do you think makes you creative, and independent as an artist with your mindset?

What separates me from other artists in terms of mindset is my work ethic and room for improvement. I don't like to settle, at all. If I finish writing a song I'll most likely write another one or two. It's like once I'm warmed up I don't want to take a break. Why should I? My thoughts just keep flowing like crazy. I have too much to say. And as for room for improvement, i can get complimented but I don't let it get to my head. I hold myself to a very high standard. I don't let people’s support get to my head. I am my biggest critic and always know there is room for improvement. I'll never stop getting better, I just wanna one up myself every single day. Too many people settle. They see something works for them and keep it at that. Times change, things change, trends change. I don't keep up with trends. I make the music I wanna make, I could care less about the trends. Those who truly appreciate rap, and music in general as an art form, those are the ones who can truly appreciate my music.

What do you want your audience to take from your words?

I want my audience to understand that there's still real rappers/lyricists out there. We still exist. Trends die. It's only a matter of time before we come up and take over again. That trap sh*t is cool but it's not real you know. I want my audience to hear my shit and be like wow, yeah, I feel that sh*t. Damn. I f*** with this. But most importantly I write what I feel, my music represents me. And I'm sure some of the sh*t I say can be easily translated and relatable to a broad audience.

Self made, SHēk created his own way to tell stories, the beat doesn’t determine his hits. The need for verification isn’t something that withold’s him when he’s developing a song. As an artist with an open mind he feeds into the world around him, and pulls it back into poetic lyrics. Above, SHēk states there is a lack of true confrontation and meaning within rap today. Something I have always found admirable is his desire to always give the words he speak purpose. SHēk knows his capability, and like any artist he knows the struggle of doubt. Quitting cannot defeat him, he’s on the run with his work. Strength and courage remain by his side because doubt cannot phase him. His journey continues to flourish, and he follows his own flow.

Always filled with motivation, he not only pushes himself, but encourages others and his audience to do so as well. Truly a humble individual who gives off such refreshing energy, and good vibes. His career in music hasn’t reached a peak, which makes it exciting to see him in the moments now. This nineteen year old has the potential to go anywhere with the way he diligently works, through night and day. He gets put in this mode, and as someone who is so involved in their art to see another artist lost in their passion is one of the rawests moments you can capture of somebody. The insight he shares is just part of what makes SHēk an artist to listen to. It’s the content in his lyricism, he’s able to go deep in a regular conversation, but when he spits it, freestyles, shit he just threw down on paper quick, it brings me back to why I love rap and hip hop so much. He knows his priorities, he knows his hustle and how to run it all. Gemini traits run in his blood, there’s never been an individual I’ve met in music who’s got the dedication he does.

#read me #poetry #interview #rapper #rapmusic #milwaukee #artists on tumblr #rappers on tumblr #hiphop #rap #read #reblog #good reads #artist #writers on tumblr

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grizzlefur · 8 years ago

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WWEm - Hell’s Gateshead

Transmission date: Monday 6/Tuesday 7 March 2017

Running behind because it turns out longstanding medical conditions are about as likely as jobs to give you time off to talk shit about wrestling, this is MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

Also because Fastlane was such bullshit it threatened to put me off Raw forever .

so now we have to deal with the aftermath of that .

sigh .

we open on some dramatic recaps of said bullshit, just in case you'd succeeded in repressing it .

jericho winning it for goldberg with his devastating manoeuvre of 'standing there' .

and brockberg for the championship at mania .

sigh .

there is no outcome to that that won't piss me off .

but anyway .

we're in chicago .

(go...i have forgotten all the sports teams in chicago) .

(cubs) .

(shit) .

but here's jericho, and chicago loves him .

gdi cole, stop saying how close we are to mania .

it reminds me how behind i am .

gonna be a mad rush of posts to catch up before then .

i need my own sign to point at for motivation .

jericho has a new sparkly jacket .

kind of mirror ball style .

and immediately in with the face promos .

been a while .

his argument is basically 'kevin's a twat' .

i'll be honest, i'm skeptical whether jericho can be anywhere near as good a face as he has been a heel lately .

but i'm prepared to be wrong .

chris is calling kevin out for an explanation of his shittiness .

long beat, and here he is .

weird seeing him come in without the belt .

kevin comes out like fuck you why would i answer your questions .

and now jericho proper unloads on him .

which is so weird after the last year or whatever of world-class friendship .

kevin says chris was never his best friend .

ooooooooohhhh .

chris looks genuinely hurt .

kevin just like i betray all my friends, have you seen sami .

apparently kevin picked chris up because hhh told him to be prepared for anything when he got the belt .

the large shadowy figure behind every questionable decision .

kevin is having far too much fun calling jericho a tool .

apparently it was chris accepting the kevberg match that pushed kevin over the top .

which seems fair, tbh .

kevin is apparently a nice guy for not straight murdering chris at the festival .

chris is like okay i kind of get this because ten years ago i would have dicked you over right back .

and apparently he doesn't need a best friend because he has the crowd .

or in his words .

the friends of jericho .

(cheer him on, maaaaaaaaan) .

jericho finally challenges kevin for mania, points at the sign really weirdly .

there's that elephant in the room addressed .

we've been waiting for that match .

kevin angles to make it a us title match .

i only remembered chris was us champ when they pointed it out .

his big jacket and fluffy scarf cover it up more or less completely .

and chris is like okay that'll be fun but let's fuck thsi shit up right now, maaaaaaan

cue punch brawl .

and...samoa joe appears? .

both of them stomp on chris a bit, hit sami's music .

the lovable skank man comes in with a chair, pretty much immediately loses it and gets beaten into a corner by kevin and joe

#youtried .

but chris gets the chair and wins the ensuing scrap .

hit his music, because apparently something was achieved .

and kevin and joe leave .

huh .

thought that'd be a tag match .

ad break, and foley has made it into two matches .

owens/zayn round #fuck this joke again now, and joe/chris later on .

someone in the crowd has a KALI 3:16 sign .

either there's a reference there i'm not getting, or that is the most delightfully strange crossover .

sami does a tope con giro over the ref like fuck you mustafa ali .

and lands on his shins .

ow .

stands up like it's ok i'm fine wait shit that really hurts why did i do that .

don't break your legs, sami .

we'd have to get one of your mexican relatives in to replace you .

i love how these two always pull new moves out in their matches together .

exhibit a: kevin hits a flip senton to the back of sami's head .

ouch .

that into a brainbuster (fuck you wellness policy) and another popup bomb for the pin .

sami is the human equivalent of the smash bros sandbag .

suplex him hard enough and a bunch of items will come out .

oh great, we get to hear from goldberg later .

but next, we have neville/swann for the cruiserweight belt .

when did rich earn a title shot? .

and in other questions, austin where the fuck is your banana .

austin gives us all another look at his package, cole and graves massively corpse on camera .

corey tries to parry some package jokes, cole is just like OKAY moving on here's rich swann .

young guns (handle this) .

oh, apparently this is rich's contractual rematch cos he couldn't have it earlier .

pretty sure that's not how it works, but w/e .

at least this match is reminding me of the best bit of fastlane .

(by miles) .

crowd are just like fuck this, let's do cm punk chants over everything because chicago .

fuck you, guys .

rich seems to have come into this match with the mindset 'nobody can beat me if i do everything at DOUBLE SPEED' .

which is working pretty well, tbh .

until he got bulldogged headfirst into the apron, that is .

crowd start an austin aries chant, the man himself is just like um okay thanks guys but maybe watch the match .

rich nails a high-angle senton (let's call it a swannton, sure) off the turnbuckle to the outside .

into a michinoku driver for a nearfall .

neville kicks out like fuck you, i'm from newcastle .

we used to jump off two-storey buildings onto each other to kill time at school .

i had to kill my breakfast with a michinoku driver every day .

i once had a forty-minute deathmatch with some fish and chips .

you know nothing, rich swann .

(daniel assures me this is an accurate representation of newcastle) .

comes back with an enormous superplex .

damn, but rich can take punishment .

flatliner to facekick to kick out, because, as aforemtioned, geordie .

does a phoenix splash to a complete lack of neville, who counters into that rings of saturn double armbar thing he does for the tap .

he needs a name for that .

my money's on 'hell's gateshead' .

austin turns up in-ring to interview the king .

who just stands there like fuck you you don't deserve my finely-crafted geordie words .

austin aries chants dominate, austin tries to get the crowd back on track .

neville like hey i said i was going to murder the division and that is very much a thing that i did .

austin like hmmmmm did you say there was nobody who could challenge you .

wonder where this is leading .

the crowd know .

nevile just like hahaha wait fuck seriously .

austin dramatically loses the shades .

he has both his eyes .

who knew .

neville's getting all up in austin's business, he's still trying to do the interviewer thing .

until he coldcocks him with the mic .

i am officially hyped for this feud .

austin loses the jacket and shit .

i'm guessing this is why no banana today .

chases neville out of the ring, stands there with his belt .

this is promising .

but now, enzo and cass are backstage .

and it's not a kfc advert? .

apparently not .

they've run into sheamus and cesaro .

cesaro like ummmm this is actually a cuppa coffee .

and they're both just ripping the piss out of enzo and cass for not winning the titles .

god, i love those two .

but apparently next, goldberg exists .

after an ad for mania .

which is in 13 days .

fuuuuuuuuck i have so much wrestling to mock .

but yes, now we have this fucking entrance .

both in the sense that it's a long intro, and that the man himself is an enormous entrance .

during this interlude, let's take a moment to ponder the popularity of Sir Shortmatches Shoutsalot here .

his popularity atm seems to hinge on the fact that he was away for 12 years .

by that logic, i've not been on wwe tv for my whole life, i should be over as fuck .

anyway, these riffs are mostly trying to distract me from the fact that this colossal entrance is universal champion now .

*facial twitch, facial twitch, sweat, snort* .

this man has never been on any controlled substance, ladies and gentlemen .

apparently oldberg is humbled .

believe it when i see it .

and he's dedicating the red belt to the fans .

who are doing a cm punk chant, because fuck you, we're chicago .

bill nods along with it like the churchill dog .

and actually engages with the crowd .

you can't do that .

punk never existed .

this is canon .

quick, bring paul heyman in before that gets any more out of hand .

shockingly, paul hasn't come alone .

like that ever happens .

so here's Bouncy McDickchest himself .

paul dramatically introduces the two .

i'm reasonably sure they already know each other .

angry old man, meet dude who fucked your career .

brock is apparently here to shake goldberg's hand .

camera guy, can we please stop getting closeups on brock's weird, fucked-up ear .

i can't stop noticing it .

paul is just doing a speech while bill and brock twitch at each other .

whoever programmed brock's idle sequence needs firing .

am i alone in not giving a single percent of the smallest shit about this feud? .

paul calls goldberg a bitch, brock f5's him .

we get a brief recap of bromance rains, but now it's enzo and cass/gallows and anderson .

bit of smackdown editing there .

here's enzo to do some freestyling .

and his mate to do lists of people from chicago who've won things .

fun twist: all those people are michael jordan .

and here come the champions with their ongoing work in progress of an entrance .

you'll get there, guys .

dramatic recap stills of the fastlane match .

handy, because i'd forgotten the screwy finish .

couldn't remember why enzo was talking about controversy .

tbh, this is another feud i'm having some real trouble giving a shit about .

ooh, but here come sheamus and cesaro .

aka the good bit of this weird three-way feud .

just to lurk at ringside and drink coffee .

so yeah, this match is very much an event that is happening and taking up space in four dimensions .

enzo knocks cesaro's coffee out of his hands, he goes to colthesline enzo, hits anderson instead, dq, match over, let's brawl .

cesaro cleans everyone out, enzo jumps on his back princess bride-style, .

sheamus brogues him off .

i'm not sure of the physics of that .

but anyway .

the swirish connection win a segment, so i am happy .

they continue to work way better than anyoen expected .

but now, let's talk about the hall of fame .

and it's rick rude and his airbrushed crotch .

who i've just realised looks like 70's austin aries .

huh .

but i knew this, because, as aforementioned, super behind .

to the point where i have a magazine next to me with his name on the cover .

damn time-displaced television .

the hof lineup this year kind of looks like a sexual assault identity parade .

ew .

but anyway .

later, bayley talks .

but now, enzo, cass, cearo and sheamus fight backstage .

mick breaks them up, says fuck it, settle this in the ring next week, #1 contender match for mania, now fuck off .

steph appears behind him like hey mick office now .

so that's gone well .

but who cares, because now HA we HA have HA the most dynamic man in japan .

versus ariya daivari, who doesn't even get an entrance any more apparently .

well, so much for those prospects .

austin not on commentary after fighting neville .

which is definitely a shame .

his presence on mic will be sorely missed .

tozawa does his big wind-up fakeout punch, makes me wonder what'd happen if he fought tyler bate .

no punches would ever actually land .

and it'd still be compelling as shit .

seriously, that suicide dive .

fucking magic .

and snap german for the win .

so that happened .

sorry, ariya .

but more importantly, akira has a mic .

calling brian out for a match now .

and here he comes .

actually *wearing* his jacket for once .

brian's just like hey no i'll answer you tomorrow on 205 and meanwhile have lesson #5 .

end segment .

well that was basically just an advert .

but hey, it meant i got to fangirl over tozawa .

and now, here's the new day yes they are .

with their ice cream cart .

corey trying to protest and reminding us all that new day ice cream does not in fact exist yet so why do they have a box for it .

which big e is now making out with .

the man has few boundaries .

oh, apparently it's the 'new day pop-cycle' .

hooray for a pun .

big e claims that hosting mania qualifies them to host a quinceanera and a bris .

which i'm less than convinced by .

and then he calls out the shining stars, when the camera pans over and reveals they were there all along .

jobbing so hard they can teleport when people forget they exist .

so yeah, that's the match we're having right now .

and in the time it took me to type that, midnight hour to epico for the pin .

side note: i adore the vitriol corey has for new day segments .

but now a women's history month segment .

about trish and lita .

and we had byron and otunga to introduce the black history moth segments, so to introduce the women's history bit, here's...michael cole .

good job, wwe .

sigh .

but next up we have bayley, who is approximately 100000% more qualified to talk about this stuff .

but now it's...mick? .

introducing bayley .

why .

bayley comes in, embarks on high-fives and hugs and shouts to the rampside crowd, and i realise she's basically the female john cena .

bayley is everything that's great about cena .

but yeah .

mick introduces bayley, congratulates her, serves what purpose in the plot? .

bayley is sad because of the screwy finish .

god, that show had so many screwy finishes .

in a desperate attempt to make us care .

bayley points at the sign, take a shot of something wholesome and non-alcoholic .

does an inspirational speech about mania, gets emotional over her dirty victory .

mick like eh, forget about it, they all count .

asks her who her mania opponent should be .

this is not normally how it works .

but here comes sasha .

points at the sign, shot of something cooler and less wholesome .

sasha wants a match with bayley at mania .

not in an antagonistic way, just like let's burn this fucker down together .

mick supports this proposal .

but here comes charlotte .

who i'm going to go out on a limb will like it less .

and dana as her arm candy .

charlotte spins this as all a huge conspiracy against her .

continues with the wedge-driving between them .

shouts at mick, mick kicks back, enter steph .

and huge punk chants .

holy shit, steph both addressed it and explicitly mentioned punk .

i guess they can do that now he's a thing elsewhere .

steph is basically supporting charlotte's argument .

and shouting at mick for fucking up the management of her show .

fucking deafening punk chants continue throughout .

mick protests, steph is just like nope fuck you overruled bayley/charlotte at mania .

mick calls sasha the boss, steph objects .

he wants sasha involved, so proposes a contendership match next week .

steph's like okay but what about instead we have sasha/bayley right fucking now and if sasha wins we'll make it a triple threat .

because fuck you i'm stephanie mcmahon .

but first, let's have a video package of wrestlemania 1, courtesy of snickers .

wrestlemania classic .

wrestlemania cool original .

ready salted mania .

ahem .

(memo: daniel, get me some crisps) .

so yes, now we have bayley/sasha, with charlotte on announce .

and dana sitting behind her without a mic .

oh wait, no, she's standing .

i feel for dana .

can't have a headset or a chair .

this match is already joining the long list of things on this episode that are better than fastlane .

meanwhile, the huge question looming over the raw women's division remains .

namely, what in the name of all the fuck ever to have fucked is going on with emma? .

i do enjoy good-natured, low-aggression, tech-heavy matches like this .

where it's clearly just two friends putting on a show .

corey keeps addressing charlotte as 'your grace' .

that is not the accepted style of address for a queen .

what do you think this is, westeros? .

some really top-quality mat wrestling in this match .

they're both really technically strong .

i do think that's something the division has lost with it being all charlotte all the time .

charlotte and dana ominously approach the ring .

side note: have charlotte and dana basically come as the two looks of gaga from the singles off joanne? .

dana just needs a big hat and we'd be there .

sasha locks in a nasty bank statement, dana distracts the ref, sasha kicks charlotte and reapplys for the pin .

i think that's how it went down .

weird finish .

and i was distracted by whoever's at ringside with a palestinian flag whenever the camera comes near them .

bold .

cue some brawlery, ending with charlotte posing with the belt and walking off to her music .

also, clarification: i meant "for the tap" .

sasha did not somehow manage to pin her with a bank statement .

that wouldn't work in any way .

but now, let's talk about brauman strains .

and play that recap clip again, in the right place this time .

so we have braun settling his business with roman later, but first an interview with hhh and a look at seth doing physio .

but before first, charly interviews roman about how he feels about his imminent conversion to samoan-flavoured jam .

he's like yeah whatever and leaves .

welp, fuck that guy .

but now, seth/hunter .

dramatic recap clips of last week .

with hunter saying he'll fuck seth up if he comes to mania, and seth being like yeah well i'll be the last man you'll ever fuck .

(i may have paraphrased slightly) .

and now we're at the therapy centre .

where seth is doing physio three times a day .

and as somebody who's done a bunch of physio, fuck .

lots of shots of him in pain .

seth's promising to be at mania if he has to sprout wings or invent a bionic limb or whatever .

but now, triple h is LIVE via satellite from...fuck, who knows .

a questionably-decorated room somewhere .

or the base of a basalt cliff .

who knows .

hunter does his wrestling dad thing like hey i just hope seth's doing his therapy and listens to his doctors and maybe DOESN'T FUCK WITH MY SHIT .

his parenting style is questionable .

hunter's letting his facial hair grow out some, and it doesn't suit him .

calls seth out for trying to push his own nicknames, which is fair .

and reiterates his threats .

that interview was about 80% the promo from last time .

corey does a bit about wanting his friend to be sensible and not anger the gods, interrupted by FUCK YOU WOMP WOMP WOMP .

(womp womp) .

it's joe, is what i'm trying to say .

if that didn't come across .

so we're having that match now .

ooh, emma video .

confirming that yes, this whole thing was either a troll campaign or an aborted angle, and emma will be back soon with her usual look and attitude .

well thank fuck for that .

maybe she was just waiting for austin to stop using those aviators .

you know you can buy them in shops, right .

? .

and now we have jericho, wearing fewer clothes than earlier .

down to the classic pants/scarf combo .

meanwhile joe's changed the colour of his shorts again .

keeps the same style for 189 years, then as soon as he changes them, he can't stop .

apparently sami and kevin are banned from ringside for this .

thanks for mentioning that cole, since it was said at precisely no point prior to this .

Chris goes for the walls, joe's just like nope fuck you i am large and dragon screws him off .

knocks joe out of the ring, tries to baseball slide him, but joe just catches him into a coquina clutch .

chokes him out, leaves him at ringside for the countout .

which is unsatisfying yet perfect, because samoa joe personally hates each and every one of us .

brings jericho back in after the bell for some more punishment, eats a codebreaker for his trouble .

but next, raw man brains .

we see braun backstage, walking so purposefully that it just looks like he's trying to catch and possibly eat the steadicam guy .

hype bits for next week, and BRAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHH .

calls roman out like this isn't for a match fuck all that wrestling bullshit i just want to kill you come out and let me .

says chicago doesn't like roman, gets the biggest face pop of the show .

long beat, roman's music .

which BONG immediately BONG becomes BONG...something else .

...why is the undertaker here .

oh right, they're gonna do taker/strowman at mania, aren't they .

makes a kind of sense .

well, this at least shows us that there are longer intros than goldberg's .

the crowd are very impressed .

awkward faceoff, then braun slowly backs out of the ring .

even he has his limits .

braun wanders out through the crowd like fuck you guys, i never wanted to be here anyway .

taker's music hits again, is interrupted by roman's .

and now he's here .

so basically, i have no fucking clue what's going on .

the crowd are less than impressed by this latest turn .

or so i think, the crowd mics are leveled down so far it's hard to tell .

taker has done nothing but stand and stare in this segment .

roman's got a mic, and he's actually talking smack to taker .

bold move .

wants him to fuck off out of roman's ring/yard/dojo/whatever metaphor .

taker stares angrily at the sign, chokeslams the life out of roman .

chicago approves, and so do i .

taker's music hits again, he walks off, still without saying a word .

maybe that half-dead squid in his voicebox has got worse .

hard to take him seriously up in roman's business going HRGMFLGHGHML .

see, i can speak squid .

and now an interlude, while i go and check that i haven't accidentally offended any cephalopods reading this and daniel rehearses his performance poetry

take it away .

---------------- .

That wasn't bad, Daniel .

I didn't quite get the chicken bit, and it could probably stand to lose a couple of the recitations of the full script of For A Few Dollars More, but yeah .

in any case .

Running a bit later than planned (naming no Eastwood fans), and still hopelessly behind, this is TUESDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN! .

holy shit, that's actually correct .

a fortnight off being the right tuesday, but still .

where i need someone with catchy music to turn up and get x gon give it to ya out of my head .

but we're opening with a dramatically-edited recap of the bray/randy drama/casual sacrilege .

which is mostly serving to remind me how disappointed i am that we're not getting harper/wyatt at mania .

also, booooo face randy .

but i am definitely intrigued to see how this story goes .

farewell to the hell temple barn .

before i even had the chance to make a single la-mulana reference .

(well, that one counts) .

and now we're live .

here come the moneeeeeeeey .

in his crap jacket and no tie .

also here come the bryan .

okay, apparently it's already been decided that we're getting orton/styles for the contendership tonight .

but shane opens by saying that it hasn't been decided .

i think someone should get fired .

bryan wants randy to have the match, shane backs aj .

bryan's argument is basically TRADITIONNNNNNN .

which shane counters with fucked if i know what's going on this year, tradition clearly doesn't count .

which is a sound argument .

shane's just doing his best to cope with all the shit these wacky wrestlers throw up .

and they keep bringing up vts whenever they mention shit that's happened .

guys, we watch the show .

(daniel would like me to clarify that he does not, in fact, watch the show) .

the indianapolis crowd (go colts) are conflicted about this whole situation .

so now bryan is dramatically announcing that he previously announced the plans for tonight on facebook .

not convinced this is how announcements work .

apparently this is big because we've never seen orton/styles before .

but 50% of that is randy orton, so i'm finding it a little hard to care .

but up next, the mixed tag between bella/cena and carmella/ellsworth .

and lots of shitty jokes by jbl .

(these may continue for the next 90 minutes) .

after another advert in which pitbull reminds me how close mania is getting .

aaaaaaaaa the inexorable march of time .

and now, aj collars the management backstage .

apparently there's a conspiracy against him .

and he feels the best way to deal with this is to shout at his bosses .

he's like whatever fuck it i'mma go murder randy orton peace out .

but now, ellsworth has a mic .

he's actually cutting an honest-to-god promo .

which was good until he forgot how words worked for a moment there .

seriously, the man is just lana in a bad hat .

and i kind of love him for it .

indianapolis seems a lot more pro-cena than a lot of crowds .

but now let's interrupt this episode of smackdown to talk about cena's feature interview in muscle and fitness .

odd sign on hardcam for this episode is 'PaBLO' .

weird capitalisation and all .

bell rings, miz and maryse immediately turn up .

the faces stare dumbfounded for a while, until nikki gets kicked in the head by carmella .

cut to ads, and we come back with miz and maryse on announce .

nikki tags cena, ellsworth stays on the apron like fuck this i'm out .

carmella takes it to him about this, shoves him bodily into cena .

then starts shouting at cena, and gets smacked down by nikki .

nikki and cena both do five knuckle shuffles, and it's evident which of them has done it every match for a decade .

into an aa and a rack attack, for the pin .

at which point miz and maryse immediately blindside them .

and now miz gets to do his speech .

apparently cena is a liar and his relationship with nikki is a sham .

because we're dredging the pre-nup drama from season 1 of total divas up again? .

and apparently cena is stealing miz's shtick .

and doing everything in service of his brand .

which is kind of true? .

i do love it when miz gets to properly rip into someone .

maryse takes the mic purely so she can call nikki a bitch and then throw it at her .

makeout, end segment .

apparently later alexa will be presenting a 'blissertation' .

fuck the what .

but now renee nervously interviews randy at his dressing room .

he's like fuck alla y'all, i burnt down a hell church .

which is a solid argument .

cursory hall of fame thing, rick rude still a person that existed .

cut to the ring, where curt hawkins is suddenly here and calling out dean ambrose .

what the fuck is even your deal, dude .

oh hey, dean is actually coming .

comes out with the ic belt i forgot he had .

coldcocks curt halfway down the ramp, proceeds to call out baron himself .

meanwhile, tom calls curt hawkins 'burt', and mauro calls him 'chad' .

ooooooh, callout about baron not having testicles .

3edgy5me .

baron appears on the tron from his alleyway .

promises to kill dean when he wants to .

dean resolves to come to him instead, perfunctorily hits a dirty deeds on curt on the way out for giggles .

women's history month thing, announced by precisely no women .

also, this is the exact same video as on raw .

black history month had different people each night .

but nope, we can't think of that many women .

and now, dean is backstage looking for a giant dickhead .

weird cut .

to an advert for the kids' choice awards? .

whatever, smackdown .

you do you .

and then cut back to dean, elsewhere backstage .

and then to dasha interviewing mojo rawley? .

FUCK .

SLOW DOWN .

mojo's wearing a waistcoat and tie, and it looks like his mum dressed him .

he's entering the andre the giant battle royal, because that's apparently still a thing .

dolph appears to mock him .

although how you can mock anyone when you're rocking that horrible topknot and low-cut top combo .

mojo gets to throw a bit of shade back, dolph leaves .

cut to dean somewhere else, because smackdown wants me to have an aneurysm .

and baron ambushes dean and just fucking assaults him with a pipe .

dean's just like yeah okay good talk .

because dean .

baron drops him under the prongs of a forklift and lowers them on him .

is this a reference i think it iiiiiiis .

security appear to remind baron he's not allowed to operate machinery .

and call medical for dean .

cut back to the arena, where jbl's take on the situation is basically 'welp, fuck that guy' .

and i can't argue .

but now here are alexa and mickie .

for the oh god i'm not typing that horrible pun again .

this segment presented by snickers: eat a snickers, do a thing. .

alexa's on the mic, and already fire as usual .

she's like oh hey who am i not going to be fighting at mania point at the siiiiiiiign .

she proceeds to list basically the entire division .

while mickie laughs at her jokes .

starts talking smack about becky, and guess who turns up .

(it's not david arquette) .

she's here to make a beclaration .

which she apologises for immediately .

becky says she's going to kill her at mania point at the siiiiiign, and here's nattie? .

becky has been addressed as 'chucky' and 'beaker' so far this segment .

i think they might be reaching a bit .

aparently nattie and alexa are "championship calibre material" .

that is not how those words work .

alexa's immediately just like ha fuck no i'm not fighting you .

argument ensues, mickie shouts them all down for interrupting alexa's segment .

while they should be announcing how mickie's going to fight alexa .

alexa's just like ummmm excuse you .

nobody actually knows what's going on .

cue general argument .

but hey, here's bryan to resolve matters for these feeble women .

he's just like um guys this segment is shit let's sort it out .

apparently him and shane have decided alexa can prove that she's the best in the division by fighting everyone in it .

because hey, why should the tag division have all the 'chuck everyone in the same match because fuck it' fun? .

and he's also making a cheap teddy long reference .

and also a tag match with these four .

becky/nattie, which makes approximately no fuckng sense .

but then, i guess tensions are a bit high in the heel corner as well .

alexa goes down to the shittiest basement dropkick ever from nattie .

more akin to just slipping on an unexpected icy patch .

luckily, becky tags herself in to kick it up approximately 213 notches .

i could watch becky/mickie and becky/bliss for a long time .

i mean, i do still think nattie's largely underappreciated, but everyone else in this is just *so much better* .

heel shenanigans take becky down for a weirdly long time of nothing at shitting all .

nattie is trying to urge her partner on in a very familiar wrestling-mum way .

has she forgotten she's a heel now .

becky doesn't give a shit, and is just winning the match on her own .

until nattie just comes in and suplexes her because fuck it .

nattie walks out, alexa gets the pin .

good match, but why the fuck would it not be .

alexa and micke celebrate, right up until mickie kicks alexa in the head and poses with her belt .

smackdown live, where everyone hates everyone .

now let's have an ad for summerslam, because forward planning is good, kids .

and some recap vids of the baron/dean attitude segment .

which just serve to let jbl complain more .

oh, and a medical statement .

which basically informs us that dean's chest is suffering from a nasty case of 'having a fucking forklift lowered on it' .

talking smack this week has miz and maryse, alexa bliss, and...apollo crews? really? .

was the idea not to have people who were actually on the fucking main show? .

but in happier news, here's austin aries to do a 205 ad .

he looks weird without the shades .

but now, our main event .

they continue not to want none .

aj has a mic .

and is calling out the ridiculous double standards around this match .

he wins a bunch of matches, still has to fight for this spot and generally to be taken seriously, while randy burn's down a man's house and gets a title shot for it .

when you put it like that, wrestling all seems kind of ridiculous .

crowd start chanting for aj, he only gets more pissed off .

like shut up guys i know who i am .

and here comes said unrepentant arsonist .

everyone's hyping 'the greatest smackdown live main event ever', and i can't help but feel like we'll be disappointed .

match starts, and the crowd have no clue who to chant for .

well this is certainly a lot of side headlocks .

otunga calls randy's infiltration of the wyatts "one of the most methodical plans ever seen in wwe" .

which is not exactly the highest bar .

planning has never been the strong suit of anyone involved .

this is a very methodical match on the part of aj, which is to say it's really fucking dull .

woman in the crowd starts talking really loud shit at aj while he's at ringside, so randy drops him on the barricade right in front of her .

after which she really awkwardly tries to touch randy .

fuck the wrestling, there's a biopic right there .

i want to know more about this weirdly invested lady .

aj gets randy in one of those aggressive hug submission holds where it's really hard to tell who's trying to submit who .

his main offence in this is either headlocks or kicking randy in the legs .

like i say, that's a style that makes perfect logical sense and probably works, but that is not what we watch pro wrestling for .

randy does his big powerslam, followed by a full nelson slam rather than his usual vipering out .

side note: aj still has the club insignia on his tights .

did we ever get a clear conclusion on whether they're still friends or anything? .

randy tries to spike aj off the turnbuckle, gets a facefull of ring post and an ushigoroshi for his trouble .

aj winds up the styles clash for about fourteen years, randy counters out into his draping ddt .

which aj also counters out of .

into a calf crusher .

still one of the more legit painful-looking holds out there .

randy gets to the ropes after much manly roaring .

aj goes for a stinger splash, randy counters by just being like oh hey i can walk away from this spot .

does the draping ddt, snakes up the band .

but aj counters the rko with a pele kick .

okay, this match took some time to get going, btu this is good .

aj starts the phenomenal forearm then cancels out, leading randy to rko some air .

but then randy dodges a springboard 450 into a popup rko for the pin .

so we're back to bray/randy at mania .

remind me again what the point of the last month was? .

randy gets up on the turnbuckle, appears briefly torn between doing the pretty and pointing at the siiiiiiign, then plumps for the latter while a despondent aj lies on the ramp .

and so we fade, with an overwhelming sense of inevitability .

on which note, time is continuing to move forward, so i'll cut myself off now, but expect me back sooner rather than later .

daniel, roll credits .

YOU HAVE BEEN READING WWEM .

WORDS: EMMA .

EVERYTHING ELSE: DANIEL (ALSO THESE WORDS)

#Wrestling #WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown

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