#he might suck or turn out to be mtf who knows.

[deathbypufferfish]

Ume and Marinella are expecting a baby boy! ☺ The Terzi matriarchy is dying...

[zizz-asdf-re-r-o-u]

NU:Carnival Gambler's Paradise Event Review/Analysis

Warning for spoilers! (Note: This was written before Rusted Nation event came out, so some of the gore/assault stuff I talk about is missing)

Ok so I'm technically new to playing Nu Carnival (as in, since Sunburst Festival), so I can only compare it to Sunburst Festival, Misty Vale, and the reruns since Sunburst Festival. But I thought I'd share my thoughts on why the Gambler's Paradise event was so good.

As a disclaimer: I'm not into fluffy stories and personally prefer horror, gore, action, and ofc smut. So if that stuff ain't your cup of tea, then what I'm saying are positive things, may not be your thing. I'm also a lesbian so I'm not playing this game with the intention of self inserting myself to be banged by the guys. I can only think in terms of the quality of the sex and story compared to other porn games I've played. 

The story/sex:

One thing many people have said about NU:Carnival, is that its a gay porn game, but with "an actually good story and good characters". However, if we look at it realistically in terms of what most players can afford, then it's more like a gacha turn-based RPG, with a few porn scenes locked away. With the exception of the 1st opening scene, in all the main storyline chapters, there is no sex, unless you pull for character cards. At most, we occasionally get characters talking about their sexual exploits and Chimes of Darkness event had an off-screen orgy. Naturally, this is still a gacha game and the H scenes will never be available for free. 

But in Gambler's paradise, a very taboo sexual crime (vore) is what kicks off the plot, characters are deliberately flirty for plot reasons, a magical cock ring is what solves the day, and so on. It's a very horny event, mixing porn with plot and that's what I think makes a good porn game. A porn game shouldn't be censored or fluffy- it should have horny first, and then to elevate it from being just a bad cliched average porn game, it could also have a good plot. 

The SSRs:

I personally think SSR Aster & Morvay battle stats kind of suck, so we'll just ignore that. Instead, their SSR designs are very good. I do really miss femboy twink Aster, but full form Aster is not bad and actually made me notice/appreciate twink Aster more. Morvay, however, is standout because he doesn't have illogical gravity-defying skintight clothes and has fatty pecs. All the big titty guys (including Morvay SR/R/N) in NU:Carnival have perky tight muscular pectorals. But SSR Morvay? His are borderline sagging! To everyone who complains that there is are no fat guys in Nuca- first up its a porn game so it'll never happen, but SSR Morvay is the closest we can get to so far. Nuca's other claim to fame is the clothing damage. I don't have every card so I'm not sure if any other cards have it, but I think Aster & Morvay might be the 1st SSRs with visible marks on their bodies (kisses, handprints, rope, etc). 

As for the rooms- I did look up kink stats for all rooms, and I gotta say- Aster & Morvay have THE most creative H scenes in the entire game so far. Nuca is actually kind of vanilla if we think about it, and they BROUGHT the kinky shit. Most other porn games have more far extreme (or stupidly ridiculous >_> ) stuff than these 2 rooms, so Nuca is finally starting to catch up. 

I would like to bring extra attention to Aster though. I've read a lot of BL manga, I've played a tiny number BL games, watched many more BL game Let's plays/livestreams, and have researched many titles/looked at many people's recommendations, so I think i know a decent number of titles. At this point in history, there are absolutely 0 transguys that have sex in BL (not including "magical MTF  genderswapping" that hentai/anime is known for). There's also 0 use of strapons in smutty BL. We've also still haven't seen Aster naked or directly using his junk into/with someone else. Yes there's mention of Aster's "rod" & something gushing/leaking behind Eiden's back in his SR room, but we don't see it, there's no "orgasm splashing sound" that Nuca's H scenes are known for, and Aster's VA is also not orgasm-moaning/screaming during it. 

Several other tumblrs have already speculated that Aster might be trans and reddit has speculated that Aster might be ace spectrum/sex repulsed.  So Aster might be the 1st male character in all of explicit East Asian BL to use a strapon, possibly trans, and possibly on the ace spectrum. Also also- Aster's a shapeshifter, he can probably make a dick appear & reappear at will! And transguys can also do packing! There is just so much evidence it can't be just coincidences. I think that's SO cool. 

The gameplay: Unfortunately, the battles were the same as any other NU:Carnival battle. Nothing novel about this.

The gore/horror/assault:

This is the point where MOST people will disagree and turn away, so trigger warnings for everything. And just cause I enjoy the horror, does not mean that everyone needs to. It's valid for someone feel uncomfortable/horrified by it, but also you should not yuck my yum. Like I mentioned, I'm not into gay porn to pretend I'm being banged by guys.

Anyways, NU:Carnival, is a mostly vanilla gay porn game, so there's only horror *sometimes*, and it's usually just fighting/killing, psychological manipulation, or Kuya. Well, Gambler's Paradise opens up with serial killing and vore. We also "see" onscreen sexual mutilation, onscreen sexual assault, murder, and Aster & Morvay technically cannibalize Leroy. (They're familiars, Leroy is a familiar, so cannibalism?) Depending on how you interpret Aster & Morvay's relationship, you could view Morvay's room 5 H scene to be Aster assaulting Morvay too. Note that all the violence and stuff is still limited by the mobile game animation format, so the animation isn't great, but the text and SFX communicates the horror well enough.

Now, there are actually a LOT of horror BL visual novels/games with sex and most of them are high quality horror compared to NU:Carnival. However, one thing NU:Carnival offers is it's signature self-awareness, genre-saviness, and the opportunity to do sexy comedy horror. And ofc, since it's a regularly updated online gacha game, that means it has the time to be relevant and to experiment and try out different genres, so if this event isn't for you, there is the main story and other events that could suit your taste. Gambler's Paradise takes what it's best at, takes the risks & opportunities its' genre can offer, and makes it unexpectedly fun. (Except the whole gacha/pulling/price shenanigans, and ).

[kyousystem]

More Kyou identity musings

If you've played The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, then you know that there's a transformation mask you get that lets Link turn into a Zora. Of course, it's not just some random Zora that he turns into, but specifically, he turns into Mikau, the lead guitarist of a famous band.

Despite there being a couple of inconsequential visual differences between the two, everyone sees Zora Link and immediately recognizes him as Mikau, addressing him as such and never for a moment imagining that he might be anything or anyone else, despite the simple fact that he is NOT Mikau, and that Mikau is actually dead.

For the longest time, I never thought anything of it, but very recently, that's been sticking out quite a lot in my mind, especially as I've stabilized into Grand Unified Kyou and consolidated my control over this body over the past year or so.

This body has a name, but it's not my name. This body has a face, but it's not my face. And yet, when all of the people of the Real World see me, they don't see ME, but instead they see the body. They assume that, because I'm wearing his face, I AM that body. Indeed, it's like I'm wearing a mask I can't take off, stuck with the shape, voice, and appearance of a dead person whose body I'm puppeteering.

And it's not even a matter of "this just sounds like you're closeted trans; you should just transition already lmao"—it's not a simple matter of the body being the wrong gender or anything like that. No, it's just NOT. MY. BODY. Pumping it full of drugs and/or undergoing surgery to alter its shape wouldn't change that fact, not for a second, no matter how fleetingly gratified the more feminine parts of me might be when we pass in front of a mirror in a room with decent lighting (assuming they're even awake at the time). Perhaps this is still some variant of dysphoria or body dysmorphia, and perhaps some of it stems from me not feeling 100% male mentally, but an all-out MtF transition REALLY doesn't feel like the solution here, doubly so considering that I don't feel like a woman all that much, either…

Fundamentally, there's not much I can do about it, which sucks a lot. At least it feels nice interacting with my online friends, who have no preconceptions about the person who my body was previously and instead address me properly as Kyou, even during our in-person meet-ups.

Marcus Aurelius was right: Material existence is a dull, atrocious thing; and although I'll execute my duty as best I can for the time that I'm stuck here, I'll be more than happy to go when the time comes for it, that's for damn sure.

[ldwritesstuff]

Tales From The SCP: Critical

I'm alive? nah, just posting an idea I had based on this thing (which you will need to read before this or nothing gonna make any sense). Might turn this into a series, we shall see, it depends on life, which is kicking my ass. Tip to ya: don't advertise your stuff at a convention because then you might be compelled to do something with it while all your other WIPs stare daggers at you. Anyways, there is the disclaimer: the only characters I own are Dr. Raven, Dr. Generic and Collins. SCP doesn't belong to me either, go check it out yourself if you want to get into in and find yourself down a huge rabbit hole. And obviously I don't own the Dream SMP or their characters.

Tales From the SCP: Critical

When it came to dealing with SCPs, Dr. Raven was no stranger to them. Having been stuck in this cat’s body and given a different life, he has been carted all around the earth, from one site to another, dealing with his new specialty against reality benders. But this was a new one he didn’t expect to be dealing with. One Dr. Generic had experience with and even worked with. Apparently things have changed and now the situation of the Keter Class SCP has become critical. In this case, the SCP the doctor is working with has changed, or rather, an instance has suddenly been released from the SCP itself. Dr. Raven is here to merely observe and act as a deterrent from the reality bending SCP during the interview. The cat with black fur covered by a white lab coat and wearing a blue collar with an ID card with his name and rank dangling from it continued down the halls. A Mobile Task Force operative assigned to make sure he stays safe follows behind as they make their way to the interview room.

“Collins, what do you think?” Dr. Raven asked, his voice cold and neutral as always.

“I’m not too sure sir, I'm not a researcher,” Collins shrugged.

“And that’s why you are only an MTF member,” Dr. Raven grumbled.

Collins didn’t respond to that, opting to just adjust his body armor. Dr. Raven just rolled his blue eyes and came to a stop in front of a door. Collins opened the door and the two of them stepped inside the dark observation deck. Another researcher greeted the pair with a nod. Collins stayed by the door while Dr. Raven sprang up on the desk and looked through the one way window down to the interview room below. Harsh fluorescent illuminated the room, showing a single table with two people on the opposite ends sitting in plain, metal padded chairs. One sat Dr. Generic, a simple man with short, dirty blond hair, sunglasses he is normally seen with set on the table and a black face mask. But on the other side sat a woman, somewhere in her 20s, looking scared and confused. Her light blue eyes continuously scanning the room. Her long, blond hair disheveled and in need of a good cleanup. That is how they found her, in an abandoned looking house, in a dusty room with a book with furious scribbles inside and a glitching PC with the game known as Minecraft on it, the main menu screen putting on a light show with the glitching. Reports of activity in the house and her disappearance from the SCP prompted action, with MTF apprehending her and bringing her to the Foundation. This surprised Dr. Generic, the one who wrote the file on the SCP and swore to study it and figure out everything about it. And yet another mystery is thrown at them and more questions needing to be answered. Then again, the Foundation is all too used to such curve balls being thrown, which is why continuous study and testing is needed. And in this case, an interview with an instance or a victim of the SCP, depending on how you feel about such things. Dr. Raven looked to the other doctor and nodded. Then the interview began. A speaker was switched on in the observation room to hear their conversation and record the whole thing.

“Hello, I would like to ask you some questions,” Dr. Generic began.

“Where am I?” the instance asked, her eyes continuously darting around.

“You are in a safe interview room. Now then, can I ask about your experience with the Dream SMP?” Dr. Generic asked gently.

“How--How did I get out? It’s impossible,” the instance’s voice laced with panic.

Dr. Raven’s ears twitched, he had a funny feeling about this whole thing but couldn’t shake it. Everything seemed fine, nothing registering on any instruments. And yet, he couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched from somewhere. But he continued to focus on what was ahead of him, in this case, instance SCP-6969SMP-5 getting more and more agitated. He has a psychology PHD after all, he can tell the signs of anyone in great distress. But that didn’t matter to him in the long run. As a level 4 researcher, he had the power to shut down this whole interview, but he didn’t. He needed answers right then and there. So he let Dr. Generic continue.

“Care to elaborate?” the doctor asked.

“No . . . I shouldn't be here. I can’t remember . . . . this isn’t right,” the instance was becoming more and more distressed.

The instance suddenly jumped to their feet, eyes wide with fear, her breathing becoming more and more erratic. The chair she had been sitting in fell backwards, slamming on the ground with a clang. Nobody in that room flinched.

“STOP, I can’t be here, I can’t be out here. None of this makes sense, I'll get pulled back. The others, oh my god the others. No, you have to help them, they hardly know. Sometimes they know, but it makes us forget. YOU HAVE TO HELP!” the instance screeched, her movements all over the place, even slamming the table with her fists a few times to empathize her point.

Dr. Generic stood up slowly as well, holding his hands up in submission. A member of MTF entered the room in case things got hostile. Dr. Raven leaned forward, interested in her response.

“Please, you have to calm down,” Dr. Generic pleaded with her calmly, the MTF gripping their gun tightly.

“No, no, you don’t get it. They were sucked in, the whole thing is a lie, it’s all a lie. You have to help them, anyone who goes in there--you have to help them!” she cried out, running her fingers through her hair and even tearing at it. Tears had begun to pour down the side of her face, shrieking a bunch of nonsense in the process.

“Stop the interview,” the observer ordered through the microphone.

“What? No, continue the interview, we could get vital information,” Dr. Raven hissed.

“Doctor, with all due respect, even you can see that it would be futile to try and press with the instance in this state,” the observer said.

Dr. Raven looked down to see as she pressed herself in a corner while Dr. Generic tried everything to console her. The MTF had a few more enter the room to escort her to a humanoid containment cell until they can get her to calm down and do another interview. Dr. Raven’s tail twitched in annoyance but he wasn’t stupid. Once a person had gone down this route, their emotions all over the place, no good could come of it. He looked over his shoulder at Collins who nodded in agreement. Dr. Raven sighed and relented. The observer then ordered the MTF to take the instance to her assigned cell and wait for further instructions. Dr. Generic waved them off and the instance went along, sobbing in her hands, still muttering about others. Dr. Raven leapt off the table and Collins opened the door for him to exist. The observer would be in charge of the recording they got, uploading it to the file. The pair of them would meet up with Dr. Generic to discuss what they have learned. The feeling Dr. Raven had gotten before faded away for the time being, but he was suspicious of a potential return of whatever. That’s a common occurrence in this dangerous line of work after all. Dr. Generic did catch up with them and the three of them began their walk to the nearest break room for a quick drink and a short debrief.

“Her name is Alyssa, or username ItsAlyssa,” Dr. Generic informed them as they walked.

“Why does that matter? 6969SMP-5 is just that,” Dr. Raven replied coldly.

“Doctor, they are victims, pulled into the SCP, as the file reads. Though I didn't think the thing was too keen on spitting any of its victims out,” Dr. Generic huffed.

“Yes, and that is why we need to press for another interview as soon as possible,” Dr. Raven said.

Dr. Generic shrugged. The three of them entered the break room where maybe a few other personnel sitting around. They took a table in the corner while Collins got them drinks and even took the opportunity to take off his helmet and body armor. They sat around for a moment, Dr. Generic sipping on some coffee, Collins with some tea and Dr. Raven with some plain water. Oh how Dr. Raven missed coffee, the only thing that kept him sane. But ever since the incident with 239 that turned him into this cat form and even left him with a few extra abilities, he had no choice but to give up the delicious bean water. Apparently the stuff is deadly to cats and him having a cat body, there were a lot of things he had to avoid now. So he lapped up some water while the three of them took a breath for a moment. But then Dr. Generic’s phone rang a few times. He pulled it out and looked at the alert.

“Well, what timing, a couple of instances have gone live on Twitch,” Dr. Generic hummed.

The doctor in turn set up his phone to show a twitch stream of what could be ordinary Minecraft players on a server, playing the unsuspecting block game. But if you knew the truth like the Foundation did, this was the SCP at work again. Knowing those were real people inside this Minecraft Server, putting on a performance for millions who had no clue, it would make anyone’s stomach churn. But to the Foundation, this is just a regular Tuesday. They did flip through a few streams and something caught their attention soon into the stream.

“They don’t even notice Alyssa is gone,” Dr. Generic said, stunned.

“It seems the SCP has made them forget after 6969SMP-5 escaped, interesting,” Dr. Raven hummed.

“Complete control over the environment it created, damn reality benders,” Dr. Generic fumed.

“So what now?” Collins asked as he finished his tea.

“Simply put, what we normally do, continue to observe and study,” Dr. Generic shrugged.

And Dr. Raven watched, that feeling came back. The three of them leaned closer to the screen. It glitched for some reason, causing the three of them to lean in even closer. Suddenly, words began to form on the screen in the Minecraft chat text font.

‘I can see you,’ it read.

Immediately, Dr. Generic whipped out his camera and took a picture and started to record the stream itself. Nobody from the looks of things had seen what they had just seen. The Twitch chat continued as if nothing happened, spamming ‘E’ again. Even Dr. Raven was flustered, his fur bristling a little on his back and tail. He didn’t see that coming and even if he did, he figured this reality bending SCP fell into that 20% that he couldn’t use his ability on fully. That being, deterring reality benders from doing just that, reality bending. The SCP was mocking the Foundation, clearly. The writing disappeared, followed by an ‘:)’ flashing on the screen for a brief second and then the whole stream returned to normal. The room seemed to turn cold, folks noticing it but not really making a move. All eyes turned to the three practically squishing their faces onto a tiny screen. This simple block game had produced a dangerous SCP and now it was up to the Foundation to contain the thing. But that was the issue, containing something like this would be difficult. And throwing it into the sun wasn’t an option, they didn’t need another incident where they did that to 682, what a disaster.

“So, it's aware of us,” Collins muttered angrily, leaning back in his chair.

“That actually might work in our benefit of making contact and learning more,” Dr. Generic huffed, folding his arms and drumming his fingers on them.

“Right, I suppose the next step is to increase efforts of contact through private direct messages and even donations,” Dr. Raven added.

“Right,” Dr. Generic nodded.

[sweetest-honeybee]

Dresses and Scales

Trans!Deceit MtF Fic-The Noodle seems to have been born in the wrong body-a boys body- and he shows to the others that he isn’t one. “Who’s she? Never heard of her....”

I’m sorry in advance if I write this wrong, I haven’t written something for a while let alone a fix about someone who is transgender....anyways here we go! (I don’t mean to make any mistakes, I’m just going off of some of my transgender friends experiences)

——————————————————————————

And odd feeling, considering Thomas was biologically male. The snake faced side didn’t exactly feel like she was a man at all really. Maybe it had to do with the fact that she was more two faced than the others but she wouldn’t associate that feeling with being a lie.

For as long as she could remember she loved being a girl. Not that dresses and makeup and longer hair weren’t a men’s thing, but it just felt right to be a female for those things. Although, only occasionally did she really do that anymore. When she didn’t talk to Thomas in those stupid little discussions she’d have all the time in the world to experiment with a new body or different outfits from day to day, granted that she could shape shift like the others.

The others hadn’t known about it-besides Virgil. Deceit wondered if Virgil ever told the others that she wasn’t a man. Probably not since the moment she appeared they would call her out by the incorrect pronouns. “His creepy snake face”.

She also wondered how they didn’t understand that the moment she appeared she bluntly said,”Who’s she? Never heard of her.” Almost like it was impossible to miss that she was implying something.

Idiots to no end and naive, but possibly at some point he could tell them seeing as Roman was openly bisexual for the princes and princesses and they accepted that. However that was different, this was a deal of genders. Thomas was a man and therefor the sides were men....but Deceit was certainly not a man.

Maybe they’d think she was lying about the whole ordeal anyway. She’d say it and they wouldn’t believe her and refuse to call her by different pronouns, questioning why she was coming out as a man(as they would interpret her speech). That was months ago, she gave up in the idea for a while.

Now it was nearly five months or so since her introduction video, she knew she wouldn’t be in another one for a million years to count. Although she realized the sides have gone into different areas of the mind and going to Virgil’s room was the closest they’d get to barging into her room while she was doing her so called ‘girly’ things. Not even just that, she had a transgender flag or two hanging up in the corner of her room almost as if that was the only reassurance that it wasn’t weird to feel that way.

But yet still, she needed to tell them and do something about it if she wanted them to stop calling her a man. It wasn’t like they would just read each other’s minds. She just didn’t know how to approach that kind of subject and tell them all at once as a group with the possible collective reject or judgement. Although, knowing that they’re Thomas’s sides they, like Thomas, would most likely accept that fact with little to no judgement.

She wondered if she could tell them one at a time and simply go to their rooms and come out to them individually. That would be easier, but seeing as Roman and Patton can’t keep their traps shut about anything that would simply let them question her even further.

That being said, it would be best to just show them and Thomas without words but how would they understand what she was implying? Simply shapeshift into a girl and suddenly she’d look like a joke if she didn’t give context for it. Seeing as his only option was to explain it, it’d take days to prepare.

However, the time flew by faster than she thought and it only felt like minutes later that she had everyone sat on the couch with curious expressions. What could she be wanting to announce to them that called for a family meeting?

“So, I....know we don’t exactly have the best relationship with each other, but there’s something important that you all need to know.” Shee could already tell Virgil knew what she was about to say by the smirk on his face and the slight nod to her.

“I should explain first that it might be a little weird, but it’s just who I am and I’m sorry if this is about to make your opinions about me worse than they were already.” Mumbling to herself, she shifted on her feet and shut her eyes.

And when she opened them she saw faces of awe.

“Is......is this okay? Um, if you can’t tell I’m showing you I’m uh......not a guy.” Her voice was higher for sure, her usual outfit discarded for a dress tightened with a large buckle and shoulder high yellow gloves. Her scales covered less area on her face, they were up more by her eye and he makeup was impeccably beautiful. A little shorter than before, certainly not as muscular as she was, but she felt perfect.

They’re faces of awe turned into grins only seconds later and at that exact second she let out a breath of relief and also smiled. Patton was cooing at her appearance and practically lept off the couch to hug her. “My gosh you are just so stinking cute!!”

“Sweet venom viper look at you!” shouted Roman. “Tell me, how did you ever come up with that dress and that eyeliner is on point!”

“Oh you’re beautiful, Deceit!” Thomas seemed very happy surprisingly, but at least he wasn’t upset in any case. “There’s nothing wrong with that!”

“I must agree, despite that you are biologically male I must explain that your traits may be any gender they please. And in this case-“ Deciet could see the slightest quirk in Logan’s lips,”-your Deceit is a female. And therefor, we will call her by those pronouns.”

“I knew you’d say something eventually. You owe me twenty bucks,” said Virgil with a smirk. Deceit rolled her eyes.

“Sure sure.”

“But yeah, Deceit?” She turned to Thomas. “There isn’t anything wrong with that. If you wanna be a guy be a guy, you wanna be a girl be a girl. If you’re neither just say so. It’s your identity.”

Her heart warmed in her chest. “Thank you.”

——————————————————

Heh, I suck at writing I’m sorry and it was short

[sidespromptblog]

Self: Part 1

Warning: Dysphoria, Trans Deceit (MTF), Hurt/Comfort, and Sympathetic Deceit.

Summary: There are times when Deceit feels free, free to be himself or to not be himself at all. 

Standing in front of the mirror that took up a good section of his wall, the fabric of a lengthy skirt flowed back and forth as it was pinched between two fingers that were painted black. A lazy almost serene smile darted over Deceit’s face as he looked at his own reflection, the smooth and silky shirt brushed against his legs in a most relaxing way earning a smile that honestly had felt so damn hard to put up anywhere else. Being here among his room, where he knew that no one else could see him, his dress up games, or the patches of scales he allowed the dim lighting and cool air of his room to finally touch. A place filled sigh swept through him as his eyes drifted shut for a moment, he could imagine it, never taking the skirt of, or in fact, taking the skirt off in order to replace it with one of his pretty sundresses that would just barely graze his knees.

“That would be nice...wouldn’t it?” He asked his reflection, as he released the fabric of his skirt letting the hem of the fabric fall against his ankles as he took a single step forward. His movements were slow, sluggish even as he rested his forehead against the mirror, the cold glass felt blissful against his warm skin. His stomach churned, “That would be nice.” He whispered again his bottom lip wobbling just for a second, before he captured it between his teeth holding it and his feelings captive for the time being.

Opening his eyes, he could already see it. A lovely flowery hat to keep the sun out of his face, black lipstick smeared to perfection along his bottom and upper lip, emerald green eye shadow that wonderfully accented his scales, and… And a wonderful open back sundress, letting his scales breath, all while allowing him to feel free.

For once.

His stomach churned again, and Deceit pulled away from the mirror, the wish he so desperately wanted to act on no more than a million lightyears away. There was no way it could ever happen, there was no way he could leave his room looking like that...looking like her. He might be Deceit, but even he had to accept some truths in his life, and this was one of them.

“I am not a her,” He sternly told his reflection, and the image grimaced with him after the sour lie left his lips, “They will not accept me, I cannot leave this room looking like this. I’m fine with pretending, it is what I do best. I am Deceit. I am Deceit. I am…” Another grimace as lies filled his mouth and throat, he wanted to choke on them, to not answer the awful churning in his stomach, to ignore the summons. But it would only bring more trouble in the end, that much he knew for certain. The others already suspected enough out of him, if he kept them waiting...it would only make Virg...no Anxiety more wary about his whereabouts.

So it was time to go.

The skirt came off in a flurry, and Deceit’s teeth ground together as he took a deep breath. Looking down at the normal looking black slacks he felt a hatred stirring inside of him, a bitterness that made him want to throw caution to the wind, to say screw it and just wear what he felt most comfortable with. But even he knew that he couldn’t do such a thing, it would be foolish even for him. None of the other sides wore dresses, none of them dressed in skirts, or wore makeup. He’d be a freak to them, or...at least more than he already was. They would turn on him in an instant.

The weight of the cloak on his shoulders felt like cinderblocks in compared to the constrained feeling of the pants around his legs. He wanted to crumple to the ground, to weep and sob, to..to beg for the relief.. The freedom of the skirt he had just worn moments ago.

But he couldn’t.

Sucking up every bit of emotion that tumbled around inside of him like a cyclone tearing up a trailer park, Deceit slipped his hat back into place with a heavily burdened sigh as his shoulders unconsciously sagged. “Here we go,” He plainly muttered barely a hint of disdain in his voice, and standing before his door his fingers just barely resting on the doorknob, he sank down with a sluggish and tired movement, time to put the mask back on and play the part he was born to play. As much as he hated it so, it did need to be done.

It was only upon arriving at the scene, that Deceit couldn’t have possibly regretted showing up any more than he already did. It wasn’t to say that things didn’t look bad, it was just that judging from the worn down, or rather downright exhausted looking sides it was very clear that not only was something wrong, but he had been summoned to somehow fix it. From Roman’s bedraggled appearance, the consistent frown that marred Patton’s tearstained face, Logan’s bone-weary appearance that gave him the look of someone who had been holding the world, Virgil who..honestly looked even more like a raccoon at this point just mere seconds away from breathing fire, and then there was Thomas.

Dear Thomas, who ran his fingers through his hair again and again as the dark circles under his eyes truly let on how little sleep he was getting. As well as the massive duvet that was draped over his shoulders, observing everything below his neck from view. It puzzled him honestly, as his eyebrows scrunched together in clear befuddlement. Just what was going on here, and...why exactly was he being called here in the first place? It was no secret that they hated him, no matter how much Patton had attempted to integrate him into the family, they hated him. That’s all there was to it, he wasn’t allowed around Thomas, much less Virgil, so…

“Why am I not in my bedroom?” The jumbled up mixture of words left his mouth in a heaping mess as his heterochromic eyes darted around, from each worn down side, lingering just a moment before his eyes eventually trailed on over to their host. But even then he couldn’t meet Thomas’ gaze, instead, he allowed his eyes to sink to the very bottom of the blanket that was draped like a cape around Thomas’ shoulders.

It took no time at all for the snarl to curl along Virgil’s lips as he took a single step forward, just to almost immediately be halted by Logan’s hand resting on his shoulder. “I don’t know Deceit, you certainly took your time getting here. Why don’t you tell us what’s going on? What have you been doing when we aren’t around? What schemes are you up to? What freakish-”

Virgil’s harsh biting words dissolved away like a mist inside Deceit’s brain as fear clenched its frozen fist over his heart and squeezed tight as soon as the other sides’ eyes all locked onto him, they were all waiting for an answer, something to tell them that he was either guilty or...well there was no other alternative to it. He would always be guilty in their eyes, wouldn’t he? He would have always done something wrong, be it showing up a little bit too late for a video, something going wrong with Thomas..or just anything in their life really. He would always do something wrong.

There was no escape..

No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape. No escape!

The fabric of his pants felt as it was strangling his lower body, twisting him and pulling him down into an ocean of fear, all while the weight of his cloak bore down on him more and more just waiting for him to bend and break under the weight. His clothing screamed at him, shrieking in his ears like the banshees of the night, taunting and harassing him as it seized him so tightly that it hurt his lungs to breathe. There was no escape, none and he would never get away from hi-

“Virgil! That’s enough!”

Deceit’s shoulders broke away from the tight grip that had held his shoulders captive as he struggled to breath in a single lungful of air. The word blurred and spun around him as Logan forced himself between the anxious side and Deceit, blinking rapidly the fog before him cleared and both Logan and Virgil’s worry filled face came into view. Their own exhaustion seemed to pale in comparison to the downright terror scrawled over their faces and in their eyes. And even so, it certainly didn’t stop Virgil from pressing against the logical side, attempting to get past him even now.

“He wasn’t breathing Logan,” Virgil hissed, a pure sense of desperation filling his words as Deceit stumbled back away from him, away from all of them as soon as Patton moved to touch his shoulder. The shoulder that still ached from Virgil’s impossibly tight grip, and from where the other side had tried to shake the life back into him when it appeared that he had truly died before their very eyes. “He was having a panic attack, I needed to snap him out of it before...before…” Deceit retreated backward yet again, as his face took on an unhealthy pale hue his back thumped solidly against the blinds where Patton most often stood.

His expression said it all, as his fists clenched and unclenched in tandem with his grinding teeth, silence filled the air between them before his gaze snapped back down to his hands. For a split solid second his tongue caught in his throat, where he had expected to see plain yellow gloves hiding his hands, hiding away the evidence of what had he had been doing in the safety of his room there was the glimmer of his nail polish on his fingernails looking back at him in the lighting of the living room. Fear curled in his throat like the sickly sensation of vomit rising back up.

In that very moment, as he looked back at the others he saw the truth on their faces as their eyes followed his own line of sight towards the damning evidence, and in that very moment as his mind whispered to him but one word and one word only. The very word that made his hat topple off of his head, as he ducked down before Patton could think to reach out, hell before Roman could even think to lunge forward and stop him. His inner voice told him but one thing.

Run.

And in that very moment, he was not Deceit, but rather Self-Preservation.

Tagged: 

@5am-the-foxing-hour

@th3okamid3mon

@icecoldparadise

[jameseros-blog]

My personal struggle with GD

**Trigger Warning -- talk of genitals, sex, transphobia, and misogyny** This is a vent post about my feelings surrounding my gender dysphoria, how I figured out I almost definitely have it, and why my family would probably think I'm faking because of tucutes making trans people look like clowns. It is unorganized, entirely too long, might not make sense, and I'm positive I'm forgetting big details. I just need to get this off my chest though.

All throughout my life I've hated my body, and even though I could try to blame it on other problems, I had some pretty clear signs of gender dysphoria even before my life got fucked up. It all seemed normal to me though. I could rationalize it. I'm too masculine to fit in with girls; autistic females have a tendency to function on the same social level as neurotypical men. That makes sense. I hate my body; I definitely don't look like the girls I would like to date. That makes sense. I feel like cutting off my female chest and sometimes guiltily wish for a horrible disease that requires its removal; I'm a CSA survivor and was bullied in elementary school for my early development. That makes sense.

In middle school something started to happen that I couldn't explain though. I developed a "phantom penis". It actually felt like I had a fully functioning dick. I asked a guy friend what a boner felt like and he described what I felt perfectly. I never told anyone what I felt though. I just made a joke out of it. Whenever I felt a "hard on" I'd whisper to my friends "Suck my dick" or "My dick is hurting". We constantly made dick jokes so nothing seemed off about it. I liked the feeling of it. It upset me that it wasn't real. The feeling came around less often in high school and I wrote it off as nothing.

The inkling of negative sexual habits was already in place in 4th grade, but I fell into truly self destructive sexual habits in high school. I felt unsatisfied with life and everything regarding my existence. Every day was a chore I could barely manage. I wanted something to fill up how empty my life felt. I started using my tits to get free food in 4th grade. I would tell a couple of guys that I'd show them my tits on the last day of school if they would give me what ever food I wanted from them for the rest of the year. This took place up until 7th grade where they stopped believing me because I never held up my end of the promise. It didn't matter too much though because at this point they were already used to giving me food.

As 8th grade ended I noticed how unnaturally masculine I felt, even more so than before, like it didn't really fit my body. It was getting harder to blame it on my autism. That scared me so I went seeking some sort of validation that I was a woman. I found my first boyfriend. I've never really been one for romance, so our relationship quickly turned into something sexual. The entire thing made me uncomfortable. I hated the whole ordeal. I didn't really find him all that attractive, but I pretended to fairly convincingly. Neither of us wanted to be purely sexual, but it was the only thing I knew how to do so I kept being this sexual creature I hardly liked and barely knew. He broke up with me because we never really talked anymore and when we were together I always ended up sucking his dick. It was fine. I never stayed true to our relationship. I was sending nudes to people on the internet. They made me feel like I was a pretty girl, the kind I fantasized about. I could escape my real self and be someone else on the internet. It always felt like I was catfishing them. I never felt as feminine as I portrayed myself online.

My 10th grade year of high school I dated one of my ex boyfriend's best friends. The same thing happened as my last relationship. I'd try to change how unnaturally male I felt by being in the most misogynisticly feminine role I could think of. The first time I had "real" sex it felt good, but something was off about it. And I don't mean in the "the first time always sucks" kind of way. I'm a firm believer in if you are fully comfortable with a person and you both know each other's boundaries and there isn't any judgment between you, then there won't be anything uncomfortable about sex. We had all these things, but I still felt uncomfortable. Then he went down on me. I had another "phantom dick" moment; I could imagine him sucking me off as if I had a penis. That's when the discomfort ended. I couldn't explain that so I told no one and wrote it off as nothing.

I've always heard mentions of trans people in passing throughout my life. In 3rd grade I heard my friend call another boy a "he-she". When I asked him what that was he said it's a guy who dresses and acts like a girl. In middle school I learned there were surgeries to give males female genitals. In 9th grade my science teacher corrected a girl when she said "they have to cut off their balls and turn their dick inside out" in reference to mtf bottom surgery. I saw an article that same year about a man that gave birth and learned that ftm trans people exist. In that same 9th grade science class a girl mentioned the size of my chest when expressing her desire for bigger breasts. I spilled my guts about how much I hated having them. I realized that it wasn't a natural thing when other big chested girls told me it wasn't nearly as bad as I explained. It confused me that they didn't feel the same. At this point I still didn't know what GD was or what it actually meant to be trans.

I started to watch Blaire White. That set me on the path of finding more and more trans YouTubers. I connected to them in ways I didn't really understand. I felt less like an alien while watching their videos. I never connected this to my being trans though. They all had the same story of knowing when they were young. I never questioned my identity when I was young. I always just existed. When I look back at it I think I honestly should have questioned myself. If I weren't autistic I probably would have.

When I was young, about 4 or 5, it was the easiest thing in the world for me to just drop everything about being a girl so I could become James. This was done after hearing my dad say he wished he had a son. I insisted I was James for almost a year. Now that I'm older my nana has told me my dad was worried I might actually be trans and he didn't want me getting bullied when I go to school. He died when I was 5 or 6; this explains something that I'll touch on later.

Even after the James phase ended I prided myself on my masculine tendencies. I was proud to be "basically the son" of the family and "basically the brother" of my sisters. With my step dad we would make jokes about having a "guys night out". I would even try to dress as boyish as possible to get mistaken as a boy. One time I cried when a boy told me "I know you're a girl". When I found out girls could have beards I was extremely jealous and was confused by the fact I couldn't grow one. I've always hated long hair I always wanted it cut short in a boy's haircut. In middle school my friends told me I write like a guy as an insult, but I thought it was a genuine compliment. I've always had an obsession with extreme body modification. The idea that I could escape my body and look however I want was always appealing to me.

When I was young I held the belief that my thoughts and personality were exactly the same as a boy's. That was the reason I preferred to hang with guys. That was why I would feel happy when I was described as one of the guys. It was why I didn't connect with girls the same way as guys. When I was diagnosed with autism, I thought it explained why I felt like an alien among other girls, and why I fit perfectly with guys, and why my thoughts were so male to me. When I learned what GD was, it fit me too, but I thought I couldn't have it cause I didn't recognize it when I was young. Then I started watching the podcast 'You're So Brave' hearing the way they found out they were trans hit closer to home than any other time I heard stories of people discovering they're trans. I was still very iffy on if I had GD or not though. Kovu uploaded a video recently it basically sealed my belief that I have GD. I decided to list off all the ways I wish I could look. The look I created is absurdly masculine; tall, hairy, tatted, and rough. I couldn't be exactly that though. I'm far too short. Besides I'm not as one dimensional as that. I love the elegance of romantic goths and muted pastels are my favorite aesthetic. I love crop tops and even dresses. I'm very effeminate for a man. A lot of people hate on gnc trans guys, but honestly I relate to them hard. I'm still not 100 percent sure of my gender though. The only thing I know for sure is that I need my female chest gone.

Before I even started to question myself, I've heard my step dad's opinion on trans people. "There is no such thing as a third gender! I don't understand why these trans people keep trying to push this idea!" he says in reference to a completely binary trans woman who only wants to be seen as a woman and not a third gender. I defend them by saying the vast majority of trans people are completely binary, don't believe in three genders, and want to be fully recognized as the gender they transition to. He continues to think tucutes are the only kind of trans people there are and generalizes all trans people saying they all have the "76 genders" ideology. He thinks all trans women are instantly recognizable by their adam's apple despite the fact there is a reduction surgery and lots of cis women have prominent adam's apples. I won't even try to bring up non binary people to him. He'd never understand. My mom has backed him up on this multiple times. I can't come out to them. It's too dangerous. My step dad is a violent man that gets into lots of fights. (He's never hit me or my family; don't worry.) He has threatened to kick me out before and I know he and my mom have seriously considered it within the last year. I don't know if me coming out could result in my homelessness.

You may be thinking "You're 18, just move out." To that I say: I absolutely would, if I could. I'm autistic. It's a disability that leaves me unable to drive and makes it difficult to maintain a job. Not to mention no one has prepared me for living alone. I have a friend I could go to, but I don't want to live somewhere and not be able to give back to them in some way.

All I really want is to know for sure whether I have gender dysphoria or not. The only problem with that is all of the gender therapist in my area (deep south Alabama) have practices that sound eerily similar to conversion therapy. Even if I do come out and move in with my friend, I won't be able to get therapy or a diagnosis.