#he married me for my boobie thrills

[jaynethejackalope]

I prepped 1 dinner don't tell me I am a bad house wife

[thatchickwithtoomanyhobbies]

The Boys

***My weird head-canons about the boys. Don’t judge me, I know I’m weird. 🤪***

Aiello

-Most definitely a cat person.

-Played baseball since he was a kid and considered going pro but then decided against it.

-Wants to get married but the girls think he’s not husband material despite being pretty good looking.

-A great artist but thinks its not a masculine trait (whatever that means), so he doesn’t do it often or really tell anyone about it.

-A giant momma’s boy. He cried when saying goodbye to her the day he got shipped out and wrote her letters at least once a week. Probably cried at least once while he was gone because he missed her.

-Missed his mom’s cooking to the point that he’d dream about it then wake up starving.

-The youngest of four kids and the only boy. His sisters tortured him with dress up and dolls when he was a kid.

-Not sure if he wants kids of his own but is willing to be the cool uncle.

-Once caught the stove on fire by accident and pretended he found it like that. His parents still have no idea.

-Got hit in the back of the head with an aluminum baseball bat once, cracked his head open, and had to get stitches. His hair still doesn’t grow in that spot but he manages to cover it up.

Stiles

-Definitely somewhere on the autism spectrum. Special interests: philosophy, ancient Greece, Edgar Allen Poe, and of course photography.

-Mom was a single mom majority of his childhood so he is decidedly a momma’s boy. Also very much a feminist.

-He’s got a raging sweet tooth. If it has sugar, he most likely loves it. Especially if its cake.

-Doesn’t really drink because, “I like to be in charge of my mental faculties at all times.”

-So very, very awkward with girls. He tries talking to one, says something he doesn’t realize is creepy and/or weird and scares her off. He still hasn’t had a girlfriend at the age of 22.

-His little sister tries to help him but she thinks he’s a lost cause and is doomed to a life of singleness.

-Once he realized he was most likely getting drafted into WW2 he started researching military tactics because “you can never be too prepared”

-Loved ‘The Hobbit’ as a kid. He’s owned several copies of it over the years because he reads it at least twice a month and they just keep falling apart.

-He was thrilled when Tolkien published ‘Lord of the Rings’ and read it in a weekend.

-Still has his childhood teddy bear and keeps it on his bookshelf. Sometimes he pulls it down to sit in the armchair with him while he reads.

Zussman

-He’d definitely live off of hotdogs and mac n cheese if you let him.

- He was an only child until he was 12 when his parents unexpectedly had his baby sister. He wasn’t excited at first but doted on her constantly once she was born.

-According to her, he’s her best friend. He’d never admit to it at the risk of being called a sissy, but he feels the same way.

-She bawled in his arms the day he left and said she wanted to go with him. He somehow held it together, but after he got on the train he started crying too.

-Whenever he wanted to give up and die while he was a POW he’d think of how she’d feel if he wasn’t there to braid her hair anymore or take her on their “Leah and Robbie dates” and that gave him the strength he needed to push on just one more day.

-Yes he learned how to braid her hair because she wanted him to do it one day and he was upset that he didn’t know how.

-Once he got home, his family refused to let him out of their sights.

-Plays pranks on his family. Sometimes Leah helps, but most of the time its just him booby trapping something and their parents setting them off.

- ‘Robert Cohen Zussman’ said in a very annoyed and somewhat angry tone is very often heard in that house. Along with “What on earth possessed you to do that?” and “What is wrong with you?”

-Although once they realize how close they were to losing him they don’t really mind it as much.

Daniels

-Loves barbecue.

-Enlisted to fight rather than get drafted because either way he was gonna have to go fight and it may as well be on his own terms.

-Is practically married to his grill in the summer. Hazel jokes that he loves it more than her and that he should leave her for it.

-Terrified of clowns. No idea why. They just freak him out.

-Was once dive-bombed and chased by an angry raccoon while Aiello, Stiles, and Zussman were visiting. Zuss had to shoo it away with the broom. After he finished laughing that is.

[tiniest-hands-in-all-the-land]

do u have any tvdint fic reccs? <- has been combing through the tvdint ao3 tag several times

If you've been through the AO3 tags, then chances are you've read most of my reccs, but i'll list em anyway as well as the few i've read through on Pixiv :0

Please keep in mind that you should always read through the tags and warnings of these fics (and ANY fic) before proceeding. I tend to like darker/angsty storylines, so just be aware. Most of these reccs are SFW, but there are a couple that dip into NSFW territory.

Besides grouping them from English AO3 fics, Non-English AO3 fics, and Pixiv fics, there is no order to this list

"I'm Not Going Anywhere" by AruiI: Ronaldo gets critically injured during a hunt. Draluc does his best to keep him alive until he can get to a hospital, and is forced to realize just how scared he is to potentially lose him

Stages of Grief by WyvernQuill: Draluc decides to prove to his friends that Ronaldo doesn't care about him, and plays a prank where he seems to have permanently died. Author wrote this fic before discovering that Chapter 47 was a thing that existed, but is a lovely tragic take on the Draluc permadeath concept

Underground by MerrilyAround: Ronaldo and John return to their apartment to find Draluc and his coffin mysteriously missing. Meanwhile, a very vocal anti-vampire group are being very cryptic about what could have possibly happened to him

Don't Lie to Me by AruiI: Draluc gets sick and tries his damnedest to hide it, at the detriment of his own health. Needless to say, Ronaldo finds out, and does his best to take care of him, while having no idea what he's doing

The Invicible's Opponent by tori1116: Ronaldo ends up with a broken arm after a job, and realizes he's gonna have a lot of trouble bathing with one working arm. Draluc offers to help. This is a Chinese fic, but the story is rewritten in English in the second chapter. NSFW warning. Some absolutely killer characterization in this one, chef's kiss

I'm going back to 505 by Insane_fangurL: Ronaldo offhandedly wishes that Draluc would stay dead. Little does he know that someone who is very willing to make that happen was listening

Something Bothered. by CowboyAdvice: Draluc's cousin is getting married, and Draluc and Ronaldo are invited to the wedding. Draluc is less than thrilled for reasons he won't delve into, and the arrangements for their involvement are a little eyebrow-raising. NSFW warning

you're gonna carry that weight by notreally: Ronaldo gets kidnapped by a vampire with a grudge. He has to resist and fight tooth and nail if he wants to survive. Love this one purely cuz it showcases Ronaldo's ability to truly fight that we rarely ever get to see in canon lol

Case #94 by Moana230: A reimagining of Chapter 1 of the manga. Ronaldo is a private investigator hired by a woman to figure out where her kid keeps sneaking off to. This leads him to a decrepit castle with lots of still-active booby traps and a mysterious voice leading him around

The Inverse Relationship between a Gentleman and a Contradiction by ferret: A lovely Inverse!AU story. Draluc dwells on this strange, overly-flowery hunter who has taken a fancy to him, and realizes a lot of their sweet, innocent words don't line up with the rest of them

thinner than water (thicker than blood) by awesomecookies: A wonderful take on Hiyoshi's earlier years. A story of a kid who was thrown into adulthood too early, and didn't want to let go of that freedom that came with being young, even when it came at the detriment of neglecting his responsibilities with his little brother and sister

And I Taste Milk (Please, Please Runaway) by awesomecookies: A Coffeeshop!AU fic. Ronaldo works at a crappy coffeeshop and has begrudgingly taken a fascination with the snarky, chronically ill man who looks a little too much like a vampire for comfort and his two adorable kids. (Sidenote i think this is genuinely the first coffeeshop au i've ever read f;aoiefna)

Okay from here on out, the fics are not written in English and don't have any official translations. I shucked them through a translator, and they read mostly coherently, and these are my favorite ones that i've found

月白 by overdriveojoj: Draluc has a secret that he's never told anyone, not even John: when he dies, he can see the auras of everyone around him. He becomes infatuated with observing the differences between them, and becomes especially entranced with Ronaldo's moon-white aura

昼夜交替 by Qi_U: A collection of oneshots, ranging in tone and humor. My personal favorite is chapter 2, where Draluc decides to move away from Shinyoko and takes many trips down memory lane as he packs his things

【羅納德拉】A Thousand Years by SSilverse: A short fic Ronaldo and Draluc have a discussion about vampire and human romances, and why they typically don't work out.

his little color game by rodionychh: Draluc muses about all his favorite colors, and shockingly realizes that all of his favorites tie into Ronaldo in some way

【羅納德拉】旅行 by leci1028: Ronaldo decides that he wants to escape his current life and go on a roadtrip with Draluc and John with no real destination or ending; he and Draluc discuss the theoreticals of how it would all work out. I will be honest: this one guts me every time

I bet on losing dogs by a_ailema: After another stressful deadline crunch, Ronaldo realizes just how much Draluc means to him and how much he's improved his life. Draluc realizes the same about Ronaldo. A wonderful character study

德拉羅納短篇 by tori1116: Another collection of one shots. Highly recommend chapter 5, where Delta!Ronaldo actually succeeds in dying, and meets Canon!Draluc in the death realm. Draluc recounts just how he got there to satiate Ronaldo's curiosity and make him feel better. NSFW warning for some chapters iirc (admittedly it's been a while since I've read this one)

These last ones are on Pixiv. I don't find Pixiv's filtering system nearly as intuitive as AO3's, so most of these fics are ones i've read off of others' recommendations

退治人と吸血鬼の非公開事件 by みる: Ronaldo is visited by a mysterious lady who tells him that in 3 days, she will die. Investigating leads him and Draluc down a rabbit hole of experimentation, disease, and a strange murder mystery

ワルツはもう踊れない(ロナドラ)【5/4再版します】 by 46/shiro: After solving a strange case where a vampire killed her lover and drained his body of blood, Ronaldo realizes that he can't remember too many of the details surrounding the case. Something is up with his shooting hand, and Draluc is looking for strange accommodations that he's never requested before

深海で息をする by 土鳩: Draluc has fallen into the sea, and his ashes are scattered in the waves. Ronaldo has spent years and years trying to collect his ashes and bring him back. This story is written in a mob character's perspective

Con Fuoco by tomioka: Ronaldo confesses his feelings for Draluc, and the vampire doesn't respond. Soon after, something is awoken in Draluc that makes everything he touches burn.

悪夢を憐れむ歌 by カルノ: Ronaldo goes to the library one night and finds an odd book. On his way home after closing time, he spots Draluc in the rain being attacked by an obsessed fan, and goes to intervene. But not everything is as it seems.

Aaaanndd I think i'm gonna cut it off here for now. My brain is dead fa;oewfinae I have a lot more faves than what's on this list, but some of them are a little too my tastes to really share, some of them are a little to scandalous to share, and some of them are just "I remember liking this one but for the life of me i can't remember what it was about and i don't have the time to reread atm"

But hopefully this helped at least a little! This fandom is very small, but the fics are wonderful ^^

[himbopatrol]

Dating Mad Sweeney Would Include/Headcanons: 

tending to his cuts and bruises after a bar fight 

he’s got some different ancient smells about him, fire, whiskey, smoke, forest trees

he’s defiantly a booby kind of man 

he calls you lass, meala (honey) and mo grá (my love) 

“You remind me of sunlight bleeding through the tree tops and fairy laughs. You smell of flowers and you skin is soft like their petals mo grá.” 

not very many people can make him blush, but you can 

“you’re too fuckin beautiful” 

“I’m no god, lass.” 

“You’re my god and I worship you. Do you worship me?” 

“On hands and knees.” 

sometimes he’s gone for days, but you don’t worry much about him, he can handle himself

he’ll come back beat up and complaining about grimnir 

sweeney asking you to leave out some milk and bread for him 

“all I have is cream”

“that’s fine”

“what you want me to leave out only cream for you?” 

“I was thinking of another kind of cream” 

sweeney told you once that he didn’t like marriage, but was secretly thrilled when you said you would marry him 

when he gets particularly drunk he’ll sing old songs to you 

he loves watching you drink whiskey, especially when some of it dribbles down your lips, chin and neck 

you like the way he looks under the light and under the sun, it’s where he belongs, the warm colors bring out his honeyed skin and hair. 

whenever you tell off some guy for hitting on you he can’t help but smile, he likes when your feisty 

of course though he will beat the guy up for even looking at you 

“get off me you waste of space” sweeney smiles at you and then glares at the stranger 

“oi, I believe the lass said get out of here” sweeney reminds him as a cracks a bottle over his head 

your song is crimson and clover by tommy james and the shondells 

he’s a cuddle bug, sometimes you wake up and he’s managed to tangle his whole giant body into yours

he’s big 

sometimes you think his freckles are real constellations

he looks beautiful in morning sunlight and at dusk 

[medea10]

My Review of Kiss x Sis

/headdesk

Okay, I guess 2019 was the year I catch up on incestish titles. After watching more recent animes involving the main boy-toy eye-banging their step-sisters like in Domestic Girlfriend and Eromanga Sensei, I thought I should go back a decade and check out a slightly-known anime known only as Kiss x Sis.

…Of course I didn’t go at this voluntarily! I have more sense than that! I just put it in the randomizer with a bunch of other animes that are unlicensed or in license limbo. Who the fuck knew this one pile of dirty underwear was going to be the one that I would watch after finishing a cute story like Fushigi Yugi?!

I hate my life sometimes!

Actually, I was semi-curious about this title back when the television anime series came out in 2010…if not horribly disgusted at the concept. But because I had other things to watch at the time like Hetalia, Durarara, and Kimi ni Todoke…you know I had better things to watch! So here we are!

Keita Suminoe is a third-year middle school student on the verge of entering high school. He has a life that the boys at his school envy.

He gets to go home to two horny step-sisters, Ako and Riko!

So basically, Keita lost his mother at a young age and his father remarries soon after. That mother has two daughters, Ako and Riko. Basically a non-fucking-a-teacher version of Domestic Girlfriend! And it is clear that these two sisters WANT THE D from their younger step-brother!!! Very clear when in the first episode alone, these two girls flashed him their boobies, stole his dirty underwear to sniff, and broke into his heavily locked-up bedroom to sleep with him and play grab-dick!

WHAT AM I WATCHING?! And this is clearly something made in the early 2010s with this shit! At least .feel productions went on to do better…God I hope so!

So we watch the weekly shenanigans of Keita trying to study in order to get into a high school, while his horny step sisters do every erotic thing you could possibly think of to get their brother’s attention. Just put the bullet in my head now, please!

BETWEEN THE SUB AND THE NEVER TO BE DUB: So as of this date, no one has picked up this anime here in the states. Neither the television series nor the OVA! Which is shocking to me! You mean to tell me that Media Blasters wasn’t stupid enough to pick up this? That’s the same company that licensed a bunch of obscure yaoi and hentai titles and you’d think something like this would have gotten a full release (no pun intended). So in short, this series is unavailable on any streaming site, DVD release, or any of that shit! So yar-dee-har-har, pirate time!

The cast, I’m only familiar with one well-known name and the rest of the cast I’ve only heard in a few roles from animes I hardly remember watching. I can’t really claim that this is the anime that gave Ayana Taketatsu several incest-ish roles in the future, but you can’t argue with the results. Because Taketatsu ended up playing a girl interested in her sibling at least three other times after playing Ako. As you can tell, I am still clearly not over watching Oreimo. With that said, here’s what you might recognize these folks from.

*Keita is played by Ken Takeuchi (known for Lithuania on Hetalia and Yusuke on Green Green)

*Ako is played by Ayana Taketatsu (known for Sugu on SAO, Kirino on Oreimo, Azusa on K-ON!, Koneko on High School DxD, Hotaru on Dagashi Kashi, Yuzu on Citrus, and Erica on Berserk 2016)

*Riko is played by Yuiko Tatsumi (known for Mio/Midori on Little Busters)

I FEEL SORRY FOR…: Yeah, here’s a nice category where I feel sorry for a single character in this show that really shouldn’t have so many horrible things happen to her. Yeah, I said ‘her’. I feel sorry for Keita too (to an extent), but Miharu’s got it worse!

Miharu has just been in the wrong place at the wrong time whenever she’s around Keita. Oh sure, this anime gives us the usual schtik of her falling over and everyone sees her underwear or something else incredibly embarrassing where other classmates can see. But nothing could prepare me for episode 5 where we see this woman fondled, stuck in small spaces with that same fondler, and to cap this off, watch Miharu hold in her pee until she literally burst. Yeah, they animated this girl peeing on Keita. Add insult to injury, that wasn’t the last time we saw this girl pee on or in front of Keita. It happens again! And again!

And he even dreams about being pee’d on! In fact, every time Miharu hears Keita’s name and sees him, she wants to pee! God, this poor girl!

Amazingly, THIS still doesn’t trump Gakuto deficating during class in Prison School. But the pee-pee scenes were still pretty messed up.

SHIPPING: Oh God…where do I even begin with this tripe?! As it turns out, Keita actually had feelings for both of his older step-sisters when he was much younger. He even prayed for one day marrying both of them. But got slapped in the face by reality as Japan does not allow polygamy of that caliber!

You wouldn’t have thought that with the way he is now as he’s embarrassed and hates being fondled by his older step-sisters, but here we are. And as for Ako and Riko, they find every other boy gross, perverted, and disgusting. They like their pure little step-brother. And before you go off on the age-demographic, Ako and Riko are only one year older than Keita. So age shouldn’t really be an issue here. It’s everything else that’s hella illegal!

Oh and their parents just laugh it off and find it cute that the girls love their little brother this way. Some parents!

But it’s not just the two sisters after Keita! Keita has an underclassman named Yuuzuki who has a thing for him. Because this series isn’t complete without a Lolita flashing her panties! And then there’s Miharu…

Oh God, this poor girl. She ends up with the short end of the stick whenever Keita is around her (especially the pee scenes). I know because some of these interactions, both Keita and Miharu have felt some sort of uncomfortable yet sexual thrill with one another. I just have a feeling Keita’s going to end up with one or both of his sisters despite all this.

At least that’s all for Keita’s sordid affairs…

Episode 7 happens!

FUCK! WHY THE TEACHER?! WHY DID SHE “MAGIC-MIKE” HERSELF ON KEITA’S GYM CLOTHES!

I apologize for most of the things I ever said about Domestic Girlfriend. At least Natsuo was at legal age (in Japan). This kid is a middle schooler being pursued by two classmates, his two step-sisters, and a teacher from the high school. IT ISN’T EVEN HIS TEACHER (yet)! This lady is Ako and Riko’s teacher! I say NO to Keita getting with the teacher!

ENDING TO TV SERIES: So the main focus of the series (besides a middle school boy being lusted after by his two step-sisters, a loli, and a teacher) mostly has to do with Keita trying to study so he can enter the same high school as Ako and Riko. Yeah, Keita is usually studying whenever we get a break from loli-twincest-bait. I shouldn’t say that, because the girls still made study sessions extra sexual.

Yeah, if you have a sister writing words and phrases in provocative parts of her body, you’re gonna remember!

So Keita studied for the entrance exam and took the test. However the day of the results was anything but pleasant. Bad luck followed Keita everywhere he went. And when he went to the result board, his number wasn’t on there and so he will not attend the same high school as his sisters, his friends, and one horny teacher. And I gotta say, that’s a fucking blessing. Keita barely gets any peace at home with his sisters constantly trying to get in his undershorts. Add to that, their teacher now has pervy fantasies involving Keita along with her samurai fetish. Not going to that school is probably the best thing to happen to the boy. But that’s just my opinion. Of course he’s going to try for the school again next year.

But Keita finally got some good news! Miharu’s dog somehow got some mail from Keita and it was an acceptance package due to Keita being on the waiting list. So Keita gets to go to school with Ako and Riko. And Miharu didn’t pee on him when Keita hugged her…but the trail of pee she left as she ran off speaks otherwise. God, this fucking show!

Okay, time for graduation from middle school to high school. And as is tradition, girls ask for a button off a boy’s uniform as a memento. In Keita’s case, too many unnamed girls beat the main girls to it. So Ako and Riko decided to have a little fun by playing a different game to gain something from Keita. And then Yuuzuki and Miharu ended up in this game as well! Yuuzuki flashed her snatch to Keita and Miharu was alone in the shed with Keita for a few minutes. Surprisingly, Miharu didn’t pee all over Keita this time (although they slipped and they wound up in an awkward position).

So after that dirtiness, the family celebrated Keita’s graduation. And that night, Ako and Riko decided to give him a friendly visit while Keita slumbers. Now believe it or not, I was shocked that this scene didn’t end up with a premature ejaculation gone wrong, but we get a touching scene instead. Keita was speaking while sleeping where he’s fighting off a horde of crazy girls to save a button for his sisters. Aw, he loves his sisters. Aw, I’m fighting back my urge to puke!

The ending credits show us Keita entering high school and watch all the shenanigans of him with his harem of girls. One can only imagine what his high school years are going to be like. But since this series ended in 2010, that tale ends here. Now I haven’t picked up the manga publication and have no intention of doing that (this adaptation is enough for me). Seeing as the manga is still in serialization, maybe they’ll get into Keita’s high school life and quite possibly who he chooses to be with. Now does the OVA give us a glimpse of Keita in high school with Ako, Riko, Miharu, and the pervy teacher lady? Let’s take a look!

OVA: So the OVA series began in 2008, two years before the television series came to air. And it didn’t finish things until 2015. So basically, people waited a full year for each episode to come out. Normally I’d be pissed if I had to wait a full year for a continuation to a story. But for fuck’s sake, it’s Kiss x Sis, I want to fuck my little step-brother please! Nothing hard to remember there!

And because these are OVA’s, I expect this to be a lot more lewd compared to the television series. Meaning, expect to see nipples and ejaculation scenes! When viewing, yeah it’s a lot nastier than the television series, but no actual nipples. Every show is different with nipples showing, I guess! Also, they somehow toned down scenes where Keita is peed on. I didn’t think this was a sentence I ever needed to write, but here we are! One thing I noticed is that the first half of the OVA set mostly featured Keita and his sisters. All the other characters really didn’t show up until the 6th episode. What’s more, after episode 5, they show Keita in high school with his sisters. So I guess we do get to see Keita in high school here. But let’s not give this show the benefit of the doubt. It’s still full of panty shots, piss shots, kissing, heavy petting, erotic scenes, and 95% more boners from Keita. I will say that Keita seems more willing to go along with whatever sexual act his sisters put him through than in the television series.

The final episode wasn’t really a conclusion and we don’t really know who Keita’s going to end up with. So I guess it’s up to our imagination if he ends up with his step-sister, his other step-sister, the underaged Lolita, Boobs McGee, or a horny teacher with a samurai fetish. Instead, we get an episode of getting drunk off some tapioca wine, ball sucking that leads to tit and clit sucking, a very weird scene where Keita puts 10 bandaids on his sister’s box, and other disgusting acts of debachary.

Before you ask, no I disliked this anime. Just…no!

I do admire their creativity when the sisters are sexually curious. I mean we were all at that age where we get sexually curious. I’m not into the incest storylines. If that’s your thing, fine with me, I don’t and can’t judge anyone on that!

Thankfully, no one has licensed this anime. That should be a clear sign that you avoid Kiss x Sis like the plague!

Thank God that’s over! What’s my next anime that’s unlicensed/license limbo?

To Heart.

This shit wasn’t an incest show, was it? No?! Okay, I’ll take it!

[emmelfish]

‘After woohoo, I like to celebrate with a long hike to ponder the fact that my wife being pregnant means it’ll be a while before we can have more babies.’

Pfft, keep dreaming John. Like that want about playing for tips, nice try – you have zero creativity points. Stick to wanting to praise Tabby, becoming besties with Lucy, and befriending Darren. Also if it’s so hot maybe you should take off your outerwear when you get inside?

FACK

John: What’s the best thing about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes!

Jen: These interactions ALWAYS result in one of us walking away with minus points, why would you think this one would be any different? Anyway, come look at this, you’ll like this.

Jen: LOOK! He’s watching sports on TV like he’s people!

John: Oh that’s adorable! Hey speaking of sports, how is woohoo like a game of bridge?

Jen: *screams internally*

Finally, Jen gets to hang out with some intelligent lifeforms.

Jen: Alright. ‘Examine the lives of the best and the most fruitful sim and sims and ask yourself whether a tree which is supposed to grow to a proud height could do without bad weather and storms: whether misfortune and external resistance, whether any kinds of hatred, jealousy, stubbornness, mistrust, hardness, greed and violence do not belong to the favorable conditions without which any great growth even of virtue is scarcely possible?’

Tabby: Screw this.

Jen: ‘The poison from which the weaker nature perishes strengthens the strong sim – and he does not call it poison.’

John: My wife! I am so proud of you for reading to our child and furchildren and yet-to-be-born children AND getting a golden ticket to My Muse from the spiky-haired man because of your musical talent.

(Hey it’s Justin Kim again! Wonder if he’s come searching for his Hot Tub Time Machine mom.) 

Justin: I’m a child and even I know that if you jump on her like that it’s not good for your yet-to-be-born children.

Pop

Jen: The hell is this?

John: You said you wanted new clothes. 

Jen: But blue is so not my color.

John: But darling, now you match my shorts! 🎵Off to tend to my peppers I shall go...

Glitches

John: 🎵 With a broken arm, yes oh-ee-oh

Another day, another dollar simoleon...

Jen: TUCKER II! You lucrative little furball, thank you so much for pulling your weight while Mommy is carrying so much of it and thus can’t work herself, all thanks to that great big tit I’m married to.

John: What’s that?

Jen: I said is that the Greater Blue-Tit you’ve spotted there dear?

John: I think it is!

Jen: YAY I am so proud of you!

John: Me too!

John: Unff

I’m sorry, I can’t suspend my disbelief with this game any longer because Lucy IS the classmate that saw the rated R movie, and would be the one describing boobies and butts and bloody violence to the innocent child this chance card was actually meant for. So I picked Ignore, because a) no, and b) chance cards are bullshit, they have a 99.999999999999% chance of undoing all your good work in any scenario.

Oh looky who it is! Everyone’s favorite Desiderata resident. And, three nanoseconds of a chat with Jen results in Jen’s crumpled face of confusion and Natasha’s hatred thought bubble. Shame, really.

I’ve noticed the community tends to call her Nat, but all the Natashas I’ve known in my life (all two of them) go for Tash or Tasha. I’m torn. I’ll tell you what I’m NOT torn on. Her exquisite grilled cheese dress by the exquisite @strangetomato, amirite? 🧀

GO TABS!

Good: Tabby promoted Good: Smart investing Bad: Justin falling out with Lucy, probably because he was the kid the chance card was meant for and she was traumatizing him with talk of blood and boobies. I’m not gonna lose sleep over it, he’s all the way out in Viper Canyon so it wasn’t like they were gonna be besties in childhood. Maybe at college or something.

This family, I swear. They’re like the sim embodiment of Bender’s ‘impression of life at big Bri’s house’ in The Breakfast Club.

That’s if, uh, Bri’s parents constantly make sexually-charged advances toward one another. 

Meanwhile, dat text doe! Brandi Broke Hair Hour is upon us.

Jen: Sweetie I’ve found myself wearing something I wouldn’t choose even if it were the last garment on the planet and I’m scared.

Lucy: It’s okay Mom, if I’ve lost all respect for you it’s primarily because I’m on the precipice of puberty and that’s what’s supposed to happen.

John: The heck is this? I’m the Family sim here. You can’t have it both ways.

John: THAT’S more like it. Hai little bestie!

Lucy: Hai Dad! Why are all these people in our house?

John: Oh, well Brandi Broke was on a walkby so I wanted to paint a picture of what your hair will look like tomorrow so that you’re prepared. And I got one of those annoying messages about whether I’d been abducted by aliens from Darren even though I spoke to him yesterday, so I felt guilty.

Meanwhile, Jennifer stares longingly at her guitar and gets all introspective about this five-minute lack of romance in her life, exacerbated by Brandi heartfarting at Darren. That Family/Knowledge attraction, it never fails. And yet, somehow I can’t see Dustin and Dirk as stepbrothers, but we need to find Brandi someone soon as she needs to up her brood to six for that stupid LTW about marrying off multiple kids. WHAT IF UNBORN BABYBROKE ISN’T THE MARRYING KIND, Brandi, ever think of that?!

(Makes mental note to create drahmz by making Unborn Babybroke a Romance sim who constantly disappoints its mother)

Jen: Oh that DOES it. You lot might be able to sit around waiting for these babies to fall out of me but I have to DO something.

Brandi you utter utter terrible stupid moron you are PENNILESS WHY are you tipping Jen all those simoleons 😱

Lucy meanwhile stares at her father and tries to picture Brandi’s hair on his face in a vain attempt to glimpse into her near future.

And yet... are these two meant to be though? The synchronized terrible dancing and constant thoughts of one another may be a sign. That said, Dina Caliente does that with Darren too and, much as I love Darren and Dina as individuals, the thought of that is so godawfully wrong that I always have to direct sims to speak with each of them separately in an attempt to stop them autonomously eating one another’s faces whenever they always show up in the same GD welcome wagon. #StopDinarren #SaveTheDreamers #ACRYouMonster

Lucy manages to alienate yet another boy from districts afar (like does her schoolbus refuel in Viper Canyon or something?) by saying things about art or theater that offend Gallagher Newson so deeply, he launches a tirade of vitriolic mansplaining at her while she checks her nails, unfazed. Atta girl. 

Brandi: I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy...

Best not look outside then Bran.

Tabby: Huh? Yeah? You want some o’ this? Come at me bro!

Tabby: Oh you think I can’t take you? Think again assclown, I’m a stunt double now, I eat fear FOR BREAKFAST.

And so the thrill ride begins. Lucy’s face is that unique mixture of anxiety and resignation that plainly says, ‘Well, my reign is at an end. It’s been real, friends.’

I love Tucker II, but the fact that he chooses THIS moment to act out for the first time in his life and start destroying the furniture is far from cool. Clearly he too is worried about upcoming changes in the pack hierarchy.

Stone cold Tabs meanwhile favors staying outside in the rain and having no part in any of this.

Tabby: 🎵 Hello darkness my old friend...

Urgh

IS NOOBOO TIME!

Spoiler alert: this nooboo actually ends up with blue eyes because I quit without saving to roll the pacifier a couple times, which is sad because neither nooboo has black hair now. But we’ll survive. Somehow. I just liked this snap.

When both your dog and your seconds-old nooboo are thinking about Brandi, it’s probably time for her to leave the house. But she won’t, because she’s a Family sim who subscribes to the stereotype of only caring about other people’s children. And pets.

3 days off? Pahaha. I don’t even have any hacks installed to share parental leave (I really should), and Jen was somehow still back at work the next day.

Poor Babygirl Burb (not her permanent name) isn’t getting a great start in life considering everybody’s just yelling about Babyboy Burb and not even acknowledging her. Well, except Jen, who hasn’t yet put her down. See that, Family sims?! That’s how to do it.

Case in point.

Brandi: Congrats!

John: Oh yeah, the nooboos? Great aren’t they. I’m sure I dropped The Boy around here somewhere.

The Boy: And my suffering beginneth...

John: The Boy! Ah, The Boy. There you are. The Boy.

(If you can’t already tell, John will be saying ‘The Boy’ in the same relieved and happy voice as the dad from 8 Simple Rules for the rest of his natural life, primarily because both of his daughters are genetically engineered to make his hair grey.)

Hey Brandi, ever feel like you’re intruding on an intimate family moment?

Brandi: Nup!

Lucy: I just can’t picture it ON me...

Brandi: Kid, what is it with you and my hair?

John: I’VE LOST THE BOY AGAIN

Lucy: Haha, my parents can be so incompetent sometimes.

Lucy: Actually... where are my parents?

Well Lucy, get ready to upscale that judgment of incompetence because...

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. John’s face. John’s face right there. Is the most smackable face I’ve ever seen.

Not only did Jennifer Burb give birth TO TWINS less than five minutes ago...

... but they unceremoniously dumped both twins in the Bouncinators, and they’re now screaming.

To which, their creators remain oblivious. There are some pretty terrible parents out there in the Sims universe BUT THESE TWO ARE HOT ON THEIR HEELS right now.

Hey, while these poor minutes-old creatures are stuck screaming in their Bouncinators while John presumably tries to create more problems for the family with his testicles, why don’t we meet them?

This is not at all named solely to give Alexander Goth a younger wife one day Cecilia! You can’t see them here because they’re squeezed shut in agony and anguish, but her eyes are deep blue, presumably from her grandfather Jeff Pleasant. Perhaps upon looking at her, her uncle Daniel will be overcome with the guilt referenced in his bio and try to send her to Mars.

And here’s Patrick! With his skintone plus the brown eyes and brown hair, he’s probably destined to be a John / Lucy clone, but we shall see. Let’s get one thing straight though (or should I say curly), when these anklebiters transition they are both leaping right into Jennifer Burb tousled waves territory.

Lucy: WHAT DO I DO

Don’t worry Lucy, we’ll pause this one here as it’s already been far too long a round and no doubt everyone involved is tired as hell.

Until next time!

[jesscopeland]

MYSTERY INC FILES... catherine & jess.

Jumping down the hallway stairs two at a time, Jess was on an adventure to the kitchen for something to eat. Pausing when she heard a feminine voice floating from her father's office, however, curiosity got the better of her. Pressing her spine to the wall and craning her ears to listen, she gave out a frustrated sigh when she couldn't make out everything being said behind closed doors. A second later however, and the door opened, kick-starting Jess into shock and action. Before her, Catherine Vernon stood, as suspiciously gothic as ever and apparently leaving. "Hey!" The word fell out of Jess with uncontrollable force, making her thrust away from the wall quickly to follow the woman towards the foyer, desperate to get in a word before Catherine slipped away into the night.

Catherine had finished her usual round of intimidating the Mayor, giving him her usual list of demands. HIM had left him, and the rest of West Hollow frankly, shaken from what he had done but while the devil worked hard, Catherine Vernon worked harder. Peter had really come around to simply accepting her, instead of arguing. In the middle of the meeting she had heard the sound of someone else, her enhanced hearing and smell picking up on another prescence. As she went to leave, she wasn't surprised to find Jessica Copeland there, and she turned to address her with an unimpressed raise of her eyebrow. "Miss Copeland, can I help you?"  

There was something intimidating about Catherine's stare, and Jess couldn't imagine anyone ever saying no to her and getting away with it. A slight quiver moved through her stomach for her father, glancing back to the door which he was left behind. What was it that Catherine always dropped by for? What could the two possibly have in common aside from the election? Quickly, Jess remembered the list of push points Nolan had given her, should this type of situation ever arise. Looking back at Catherine, Jess decided to take a leap of faith. "Yeah um. So, strange question... and I totally won't be weirded out if you are but - you and my dad....?" This was a buffer statement, something to misguide Catherine hopefully into making her think Jess was simply concerned with mundane gossip over any actual intentional detective work. "Are you two... like, seeing each other?" She sagged against the doorway, folding her arms.

Catherine looked over the girl. Frail, pale, skinny, naive -- human. She remembered this all quite well, forcing herself to never forget a second from her time before the blood rushed over her memories. From Josie's notes, Jessica was ditzy and distracted, and it showed. Catherine could never see her as a threat, and at her beginning of the question, Catherine tilted her head in bored curiousity. What could she possibly have to say? However, when she asked if they were seeing each other, Catherine had to laugh, and she did. "Oh, no. Your father and I have important business with each other. I lost the election but he enjoys my input, and Vermillion always needs updated permits and whatnot."  She sighed with impatience, beginning to turn towards the door, "Is that all? I'm a busy woman, as you may have seen."

The second that Catherine began talking about the election, a question flashed in Jess's mind, highlighted. "Right... Sure, but you can't blame me for being kind of curious? I mean, from what I heard you worked really hard to try and win that election. And for a while, right? It must have been kind of sucky to lose after being in West Hollow for so long....?"

Catherine turned back, eyes squinting as she tried to understand the girl's intentions. Her questioning...it was not normal. Catherine had been alive for a very long time, and so reading body language and social ques had become something of a hobby. She was trying to lead into something, and if she wanted to talk, they would talk. A sickly fake smile came over Catherine's face, "Why don't we sit and talk? You seem to be very interested in my work." she said, gesturing to their dining room and beginning to walk that way.

Although she kept a calm demeanor, Jess couldn't help the surprise she felt at Catherine's 180 personality flip. Oh shit, had she stood on a booby trap not three minutes into the conversation? She'd have to be more careful if she planned to keep up with the wits of someone who was rumoured to only be about 300 times her age. "Well. You know," Jess gave a noncommittal shrug as she sauntered towards the dining room, feeling weird to be ushered around her own home but complying all the same. "Dad's all boring meetings here, lame schedules there. He doesn't really tell me about the cool stuff he does whenever I ask... You guys seemed to work together a lot so I just thought, if he liked spending so much time with you then maybe I should extend the branch and get to know you too... since you're here pretty often." Then, like a true actress, Jess pulled out the sympathy card, "I mean, it's kind of hard not having my mom around and being the only girl in this patriarchal man cave." She gestured to the house around them.

Catherine had to give it to her, she was convincing enough for a human. If she was a younger vampire, perhaps she would have fallen for it, but she knew better. There were always suspicious humans, and others too, but Catherine had built this town. They knew better than to trifle with her. Catherine walked with the girl, nodding as she listened to her talk. She pulled out the chair for her, humming with faux sympathy at her words about her father. Catherine sat adjacent to her, folding her hands on the table with a calm smile. "Your mother, yes," she began, sighing as she thought back to her own husband. "I was married once as well, to a man who I loved dearly. Like your father and mother, we had our disagreements and parted ways. I truthfully would have wanted to stay with him, but he decided otherwise." she explained, her voice grating a bit at the end, giving away a bit of her frustration with how it had turned out. "Divorce can be hard, but it is a necessary evil of life. I would have thought by now a young woman like yourself would have learnt to dealt with it, but perhaps I have been too presumptious. I cannot offer you a mother figure and have adoptive children of my own, Jessica. Your father is a hardworking and caring man, and it should give you great pride despite his gender. I have met your mother on occasion and she is a strong woman who you should look to for female guidance. The reason why he doesn't tell you about the "cool things" with his job is because the only cool things are the things you already see."Catherine's face was stoic, calm, as she stared straight into Jessica. After a moment, she softened, though, knowing that she would inevitably get more questions if she scolded her. "I understand wanting to get to know me. If you need advice, I can give you advice. if you want to see how running a business and public relations works, I can show you. As far as emotional support, kindship -- I have enough on my plate. You are free to stop by my office is at Vermillion, though." It was as if she was giving a stern talking to to a child, something she only really did with Josie.

There was something about being sat down by Catherine and informed by her that made Jess feel oddly juvenile. As she began talking about a partner she'd had, Jess scrambled to grab her phone, eager not to miss anything. Pretending to quickly barely read a text, she placed the phone back in her lap, recording app running for later listening. "That sucks." Jess replied dryly about her husband, lacking all of Catherine's grace and decorum. Pretending to listen to the spiel about her parents and maternal figures, Jess lowered her gaze a little, as if disappointed. Honestly, it was relief. Being this close to Catherine was starting to give Jess the same creeps walking alone at night by the woods did. Exciting. Thrilling. But still terrifying. "I get it. You're a busy woman." She echoed Catherine's stern words but with feeling. Perking up at the invitation however, Jess smiled. "I've never been to Vermillion but heaps of people talk about it. I went to the website, it looks awesome. How long have you been in charge of it?"

Catherine made a quick mental note of her phone. Modern technology had a way of evading her true capabilities, and so she often just had the younger vampires deal with that, but she had basic knowledge of it. Whatever she had looked at was suspicious, and so she was going to try to be as noncomittal in her answers. "Indeed." she answered flatly at Jess's comment about her husband, not enthused with her choice of words, but it was nothing. It seemed, though, the invitation had caught her fancy, and upon her asking about Vermillion's history, she tried to think of a reasonable number. She was 34, was ten years reasonable? "Ten years. I inherited from my grandmother." No one ever questioned anything about Vermillion, unless it was about the food & prices.

Lifting her arms to fold them in front of her on the table, shoulders hunched as if she was completely infatuated (which she was now), Jess looked impressed. "So it's kind of like a family legacy thing, then? I didn't know your family had been around West Hollow that long. Or that you had." On the contrary, people didn't think she was an ancient vampire for no reason. "See," Jess sighed and sat back. "Dad never tells me anything..."

Catherine for a moment imagined her as one of them, a vampire, the blood staining her noisy lips as she begged for the hunger to go away. A move that would surely upset Peter, but she would be beautiful forever and perhaps even mature at some point. It was a fantasy though, as she didn't wish to take in yet another. "Yes, a family legacy. My family has been around since the founding." she answered point blank, her expression never changing. She hummed in response to her pouting, "For good reason. There are things in this town you don't need to concern yourself with. The boring, mundane," she paused for a moment, and then, the edge of her lip curved upwards. "Although I've heard that you have quite a few friends who think there's more to little West Hollow than meets the eye?" A curve ball to be sure, one she wanted to see the girl defend.

It was likely that Catherine thought she was the biggest fool around, and Jess would definitely need someone to patch her ego back together later after all this Playing Dumb was over. "Right, I forget how ancient this town is sometimes. It's so weird to think how different it might have been back in the 19th century. More petticoats, I assume." Jess mused with a light frown, then turned her expression back to Catherine, smiling fondly as if the woman didn't still creep her the hell out. Hearing her refer directly to Mystery Inc however, made the phone in her lap suddenly feel very heavy. "Well. Can't blame a bunch of geeks for getting creative, right? The summers get kind of long." She attempted to make a joke out of the one thing that Jess cared the most about, feeling her throat threaten to close mid-insult. Instead, she trained her expression into a comical smirk. "After all, every place has its history and secrets. But my spidersenses give me the impression that you're a non believer. Am I right?"

Ancient. Catherine hummed into a smile at the words, stopping herself from laughing. If West Hollow was ancient, then what was she? Prehistoric? She enjoyed the humans more than she cared to admit, with their small ideas and naivety. It amused her to watch them squirm under the uncomfortabilty of their existence, one Catherine had easily slid into. "Something like that. Have you ever studied American art history in school, darling?" It was more out of curiousity of how far Jess could really seep up when it came to actually studying. She discredited the conspiracy kids, except for perhaps one or two, simply because no human would ever uncover the monstrosities that plagued West Hollow. However, the look on her face was pleasing when Jessica realized what her question was -- she knew and Catherine knew what this was really about. "Nonbeliever." she nodded as she considered the word before continuing, "When I was a child, I lived in a shanty house in England. I begged for scraps on the streets of London and fell asleep cold and hungry. I brought myself to America and made my way. My belief was in money, a warm home, and food in my stomach. There is no need to entertain fantasies when this world has provided enough cruelty and fear in it's reality."

"Of course." Jess nodded, a comic frown gracing her features. "The greats, the Renaissance, the deaf and the mentally unhinged." She replied, wondering what Catherine wanted to know from her with that question. Listening to her brief description of her chilhood (or just earlier life, perhaps, who knew with someone who was rumored to be so old)  Jess's expression ranged from interested to outwardly disappointed. "That's one way to think about it." She admitted with a stubborn clip to her voice, Jess now squaring her shoulders and looking directly at Cattherine. Slowly, she was begining to wonder how that Josie girl did it... put up with this kind of attitude for a maternal figure. Jess would go crazy. "I don't know... I like the idea of West Hollow having it's secrets. I think every place needs something to make it different than the rest and everybody likes a good Ghost Story. I'm sure you've heard some of the rumored ones going around since you seem to know the ins and outs of everyone around here." Jess raised her eyebrows, subtly hinting back to the fact that even though Catherine didn't bother herself with such... juvinile stories... she sure did seem to somehow know of Mystery Inc.

Catherine noticed every little detail about the girl, from the way she moved in the chair to how the pitch of her voice changed as she thought of new things to assert to the vampire. At her mention of ghost stories, Catherine let out a small chuckle-- oh, yes, if only it were just ghost stories, perhaps there would be a headstone somewhere in London with her name on it, the death date actually in the 1500's. "I have heard a tad of these, ghost stories, you seem so enthralled with. Honestly," she sat back in her chair, her expression bored with the topic as she looked down at her nails, "they do nothing for me, besides bring more tourism into the restaurant. Your father knows it too, which is why I am always visiting to check up on tourist iniatives." Then, her eyes peered back up at the girl, leaning in close as her ruby red lips grew into a smug grin. "Why don't you tell me a few of these stories, hmm? I would find it so very interesting to see what a young woman and her peers are interested in these days. Tell me, child-- have you heard any ghost stories about me, Ms. Copeland?"

The way Catherine seemed so quickly disinterested, quickly made Jess feel less inclined to play the cat and mouse. She knew that she was supposed to be getting information out of the woman with little to no collateral, but this was getting uncomfortable and soon, Jess was going to wedge her foot in her mouth whether she tried to or not. However, Catherine's behavior was flawed. One moment, she seemed less than bothered with mystic stories that weren't deemed to be all real and the next, she was prodding a very spesific topic. Jess squared her shoulders. "Maybe you should ask that adopted daughter of yours then, what with her keeping your hands so full and all." She couldn't help the acid, not liking the way that Catherine had her dancing to her every tune whether Jess wanted to her not. Sure, she didn't want to end up dead in a ditch without a trace but this was getting weird. She couldn't help but imagine that Nolan would be asking these questions so much better than her. "Anyway, you just said you didn't care about them. So I wouldn't want to waste any more of your time." With that, Jess put her phone into her pocket and pressed her palms into the table, pushing herself to stand up. "But thanks. For listening, I mean. My dad's kind of lost his touch these days so... it was good to talk to someone who actually gives me a straight answer." Even if it wasn't the full truth.

At the girl's insolence, her change in attitude from the more sulken and behaved to daring, was a sharp contrast that Catherine both loathed and loved. It showed she had spirit, a side to her that could be exploited by her fiery instincts. It reminded her, honestly, a bit of Josie before she had been turned (although, unbeknownst to Josie, she had been much more unhinged before her transformation than she remembers). At the same time, she hated that tone, the rebellious attitude she was smacked with at her questioning. She showed none of this though, just letting her eyebrows raise as the smirk stayed on her lips. "I'm afraid that while Josephine also has quite an active imagination, she isn't as reliable as you, dear." Catherine's head tilted in faux curiosity as she leaned back once more at her thankfulness for listening. "Oh, Jessica, your father is more in touch on the pulse of this town than you think." She extended a sharp red nail out though, flicking away a stray piece of hand on Jessica's face. Jessica would make an excellent recruit, but, she no longer did that...unless of course, she became a real threat. "It has been such a pleasure to meet such a vivacious young lady like yourself. I do hope that soon you use your talents in the real world where they'd suit you better than as a...what is again? Ghostbuster?" Catherine let a deep chuckle come from the back of her throat as she stood up, just to watch Peter come out of his office, the shock clear on his face at witnessing the two together. Catherine could not contain the wildly satisfied smile that appeared on her face. "Mayor Copeland, I was just talking with your daughter. What a bright young woman you've fostered here." As she walked by him, she stopped him, her hand resting on his shoulder to whisper something wicked before she continued out, red bottom pradas clicking with viciousness as she went.

[katiebruce]

year of the wildflower

I can’t believe it’s fucking February and I have yet to sit down and reflect on the end of yet another year. 2018.

Two Thousand and Eighteen.

What a glorious, glorious year you were for me. (It was the ten-year anniversary of 2008 after all, so I probably should have seen that one coming. Hindsight is a fickle beast I’ve yet to learn to tame.)

I started the year off with a lot of newness—preparing to move out of my apartment of seven years, for example.

Though I knew it was time for a new beginning, the months leading up to this move were hard for me. I felt like I was separating myself from some former version of myself; a hermit crab shedding her proverbial shell.

The moment we found Hoegarden, however, I knew it was the right choice.

Only four blocks up the street (a six-minute walk; I timed it) from my old place, it felt like the comfort of home laced with the thrill of a new start.

And so, I packed.

I purged.

And the week before I moved, I flew to India. (I am nothing if not wildly ridiculous at a seemingly predictable rate: life change? Leave the fucking country!)

I have been talking about going to India obsessively since the eleventh grade (I had learned about Holi and became obsessed with Eastern culture quickly after.)

Though I paraded around with arrogance, I was quite intimidated to plan this trip. It was something I don’t think I realized was happening until we had landed, disembarked, and had been rushed into the chaotic Delhi streets at midnight before it really hit me—that I was here, and I couldn’t be afraid.

So, I wasn’t.

I had only one bad experience that night, and I handled it—I learned to say no. As an American, millennial, feminist, I thought this was something I was already good at.

Turns out, I was not.

But I got better. And by the end of my trip, I felt so completely safe, so enamored by the sights, the smells (rich dirt moist with the smell of sweat, the sultry scent of saffron, sweetened candy from the streets…curry!) that I was sad my time was over so soon.

This trip prepared me for Morocco—the adult I had to be, the sticky situations I had to diffuse, middle eastern culture. I wandered those golden, enchanted markets thirsty for authenticity, and I always seemed to find it, for better or for worse.

There was lots of yelling. Lots of jetlag. And lots of running for flights.

But between these two trips, these two monumental events in my life, I walked away and felt growth. I felt proud of where I’d gone and what I’d seen. And that, though I was accompanied by friends (and oh, the friends we made!) I had accomplished this feat mostly alone, planning and ultimately orchestrating both trips by my lonesome, endlessly researching cultural customs, Indian cuisines and transport, Ramadan rules (because we were in Morocco during the holiday) and I had fucking succeeded.

I flew again to London (London, London, London, alwaysLondon) and Scotland and finished up my year by going to Australia.

Five continents in one year.

I spent an entire day running around Jaipur, my phone almost being stolen by a monkey, and I tried to get an Uber in a place where elephants are considered vehicles and you can order a tuk-tuk via the app.

I bathed, fed, and walked a rescued elephant—Chin Chin—and felt her two-ton belly swollen with babies (twins!) as she made me laugh by playing with my hair and squirting water on my head when I wasn’t playing with her.

I was welcomed into the home of strangers and fed a home cooked meal; the best I had in all of India.

I made friends with the soda-shop boys near our palace of an Airbnb and left them with all of my change upon leaving the country. (This would leave me completely screwed at the airport where the vendors did not accept credit cards, but alas—who am I if not starving and stressed about non-reving out of another country?)

I woke up at four in the morning and rode all the way to Agra to bask in the wonderful Taj Mahal. I dipped my toes in it’s gorgeous lakes and dreamt of a love so big someone would construct a monument to celebrate it someday that would put this silly marble slab of stone to shame.

I returned to Spain and wandered the streets of Barcelona and Madrid like a pro; how quickly three years had passed, how recently it seemed upon returning.

We flew down to Morocco and booked a famous riad with a driver and were escorted through the airport like queens (gluttons, really.) We wandered the many rooms of our new home excitedly, pretending to be princesses and bursting into wine-induced fits of laughter when the first Ramadan calls came over the loudspeaker and bellowing down into our open-aired fortress.

We wandered the gardens of Yves Saint Laurent and I impressed Lauren and Beebs with my correct pronunciation of the designer’s name (thanks, Cardi.)

We took a horse drawn carriage through Marrakech and were swindled by henna artists in the streets (it was still worth it.)

We boarded a ten-passenger caravan and took a trek that took us through the northern African mountains, the many small villages and ruins, learned about the art of rug making and sipped on delicious mint tea.

And then I was proposed to. His name was Watik. Once again, I said no. Albeit a more forceful one.

We drove directly into a sand storm and learned how to adorn our heads with a “passport to the desert” to protect us from the harsh conditions.

And then we rode camels through the fucking Sahara Desert.

We camped in giant rooms and dined under the stars (the most delicious of the tangines we had, though it’s honestly hard to pick) and listened to our guides play African drums under the moonlight.

And then we went adventuring into the night.

I remember climbing to the top of a dune, digging my toes deeper into the sand and being amazed at how bright the moonlight shone over the dessert sands.

(We watched the sunrise in the morning, and I was equally in awe of nature’s subtle beauty.)

We wandered the ancient city of Fes with our newly married friends and took in the smells of sweet mint leaf and the curing of animal hyde in the tanneries.

I took a few weeks off traveling and fucking prepared for what would be my mother’s first trip abroad: The UK.

I got to see the excitement fill her eyes upon seeing the London skyline, see some adolescent excitement light up in her upon taking her to her first protest (baby Trump riot—yes, it was as amazing as it looked on television) and watched her fall in love with old, ancient English streets, the ones I’ve loved for so many years, watch her accept my longing, my desire to make this my home, as she fell completely head over heels in love with it, too.

I drank violet gin and watched bagpipers play in the street and climbed to the highest part of Edinburgh just so I could turn around and look down at it in awe.

I watched Paul Simon say farewell, with another 500,000 fans in the royal gardens and wept with emotion when he opened his set with “America.”

I came back and saw Paramore with my strawberry, I saw St. Vincent in all her glory, Twin Peaks and First Aid Kit and even flew to Denver to see Ryan Adams play Red Rocks.

I stressed, a lot.

And yet somehow always made it through.

I celebrated my Dad’s sixtieth birthday and got to finally show him around Chicago, my home, and watch as he pieced together a new aspect of me he never seemed to understand before.

I flew to Denver to meet up with my best friend for a road trip to Salt Lake to see Panic. We cuddled and laughed and jammed and danced under the stars in beautiful Big Sky.

And then there was Australia. Rainy, jungle-esque Australia.

Noodle night in the muddy park and Aussie pizza (twice, because it really was that spectacular.)

Twin Peaks at an abandoned skate-house and teenagers blacking out around us.

Ferry rides hopped up on Nyquil. Books read in cafes.

Beautiful, beautiful Melbourne.

Lauren laughing at me because of fear of all the various vicious birds we encountered. My allergies through the roof, throat closing in the royal gardens.

Not one single fucking kangaroo.

There was San Francisco and fleet week and the Mystic Valley Band at a winery in Sonoma. (The most beautiful sunset I’d ever seen—and that wine!)

I left the country so many times this year with no more than pennies to my name, no place to stay when I landed, nothing but an inspiration and the courage to make myself show up for a flight.

I took myself to the Opera and felt bougie for sipping on black coffee the entire time and sitting alone.

I relaxed.

I found myself hiding away in my new home, no school to attend (because again, I fucking GRADUATED COLLEGE) and no trips to take and I felt… peace.

An old friend came to town and I met up with him for drinks and now Taylor is my boyfriend.

Me; a boyfriend.

Me; in love.

I held his hand at Chriskindel market and consoled him after an eventful first Thanksgiving together. I rubbed my hands through his luscious hair and kissed his forehead where the small patch of gray grows in with the eager fervor of old age. (My old man.)

I let him love me, all of me, and sat back in amazement as I lowered my walls, my protection, and let this one man weasel his way through the booby traps I had planted long before.

(He detonated them all.)

I watched, silently—though often times conflicted—as the light in his eyes grew familiar, listened as his sweet, humble snoring cooed me to sleep.

I fell in love.

And through all of the fantastic adventures 2018 took me, through every corner of the world, I did not know that what I had been looking for all along was him. My love, my prince, my sweet, sincere, annoying, handsome, smart, idiot, adorable boyfriend Taylor.

And now I feel so whole.

2018 was a big year for me—in every way imaginable. I even started grad school (I’m a masochist, I must be). But it was the last year I would be in my twenties.

In February, I turned twenty-nine and began preparing myself for the start of a new decade. I felt unaccomplished and somehow proud of what I’d done—scared yet eager to grow older.

Weeks before my birthday, I marched proudly with thousands of others through the streets of my home, my city, protesting our asshat of a president and the suppression of women’s rights. I remember walking through the streets, sign in hand, feeling like a fully actualized version of myself; I was finally the person I had always wanted to be.

It just took me longer than I had expected to get there.

My twenties were a tumultuous time (something eerily familiar about the terrible two’s, no?)

Where I lost myself and tried on new versions of myself for extended periods of time.

I dropped out of college and worked three jobs.

I moved cross-country with my best friend to live in a big city like I had always wanted to.

I became a flight attendant.

I went back to college and graduated. Then I got into fucking grad school.

I fell in love with four boys: the first, my first. The truest, the purest; a complete and total heartbreak. The second, from afar—that spark, that magnetism—now a friend engaged himself, and I couldn’t be happier for him and his wife-to-be. The third, my German—a wrong fit I tried so desperately to squish into all of my open, healing wounds. And the fourth, my love—my Taylor. My partner.

I slept with some awful people (two; M & T).

And kissed plenty more.

I lost friends I thought I’d never lose and met friends I thought I’d never have.

I discovered what it is to be broke.

Brutally, honestly, broke.

And yet I traveled.

I visited fifteen countries in those ten years and did it all on my own terms. I saw Stonehenge, the Sahara, the Taj Ma-Fucking-Hal, went to Oktoberfest, played Sega in Japan and even saw Alex Turner a whopping four times in one decade. (What a facetious little man.)

I cried in bathroom stalls and did coke in bathroom stalls and danced so much I felt invincible and once upon a time even owned the streets of Ybor.

I did acid on tinder dates and even dated a girl, my only girl, my Kelli.

I watched as my sister got engaged and our little family grew by one.

I lost my Cody, my baby, and felt his spirit in a haunted hotel in South Dakota (hi, baby.)

I wandered many foreign streets and stumbled my way through foreign languages and ordered foreign food I couldn’t pronounce the name of and didn’t like the taste of.

I went to so many concerts I’ll probably be deaf, and probably soon.

I was so surrounded by love and so alone at times I silently cried myself to sleep in a new city.

I cut off my hair, got six tattoos and went to so many different music festivals.

I was wild; I was timid. I was fierce; I was afraid. I was whole; I felt alone.

(Walt Whitman isn’t the only one who can contain multitudes.)

[ecotone99]

[MF]In the Shape of the Big Dipper

Celine had eyed me curiously while I paid for our lunch at the little grille we found in Charleston. I did spend a lot of money that day, but Celine acted like I was a drug lord or at the pink Caddy level of a pyramid scheme. I simply paid cash to keep better track of my spending, that’s all. Money, much like life, doesn’t last. You can’t keep either, so you must learn to spend both the way you want. I never had a red cent to theorize about until recently, much less a fortune of dirty money to move twelve hours away to avoid confronting. Here I was, though, hiding out in the boonies with nursing students, numbing myself with crab cakes and sweet grass baskets. Trusting Celine wasn’t the hard part— she was a good, Christian girl who didn’t believe in strangers, white shoes after Labor Day, or mole people. The problem was I hadn’t told anyone the truth yet— my parents are thrilled; they think I left to go to school. School is a joke, but I enjoy the curriculum and making my folks happy. I owed them that much; they left the beauty of Palermo, the Catholic Church, and the 20th century behind for me. My ex-fiancé, Rob, was just fine with it. He doesn’t know that I know he had an affair and isn’t so excited I’m moving on to bigger and better things. He screws his next-door neighbor every Saturday, the 35-year-old named Judy, with a hideous affinity for vintage bobble head Dobermans and flesh colored lipstick. His mother told me on my way in the night I left, told me I needed to kick the little bastard to the curb, so I obliged her. She was a wonderful mother.

As important as they all were, I didn’t belong to the Maple Street gang anymore. Diana was the catalyst to my new life. We got to know each other during her monthly check-ups. She

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was a patient of Dr. Hales, a sweet old man who’d traded Scarsdale balloon boobies, expressionless faces, and ski-slope noses for his beach house. Diana’s favorite thing was to make me uncomfortable, and if she could encourage my wild side, all the better. She often brought me coffee, offered me cocaine a time or two, and told Dr. H he wasn’t paying me enough every time she visited.

After Celine went home, I had some time to myself, so I began to tell myself the truth. Diana had come into the office for a checkup, after which I relented to a long-standing rain check to visit her apartment. She was a fine thief, something she had no doubt spent a long time perfecting, but I worked with the public.

“Please don’t steal the magazines,” I urged her.

“I paid for these, baby, this doctor charges me $500 just to talk,” Diana said.

“Well, they’re going to ask me what happened to them—I’ll be responsible for replacing them.”

“No, not okay, that’s arrogant and unfair. You’re just a kid and cannot possibly be expected to answer the phone, file papers, take a lunch break, then do the same thing until 5 o’clock while corralling unruly patients.”

“Are you making fun of me? I’m not stupid. I choose to be here and interact with the unruly patients, do my job, and find time to craft 200 Christmas cards by hand.”

“Big shit, I bet you never made a croquembouche while glancing up to make sure Pierre’s boogers didn’t fall into your nearly burning glaze.”

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“Is Pierre your boss?” I asked.

“Nobody has ever had that displeasure—he was my mentor and my friend. He died when AIDs had us all too scared to swap spit with anyone but WASPS.” Diana answered.

“The Princess of Wales wasn’t afraid. Have you seen Dallas Buyer’s Club?”.

“No, I refuse to see Matthew McConaughey in such a state.”

“It was pretty graphic—what are you always seeing Dr. Hales about anyway?”.

“That’s for me to suffer through and you to look at later when I leave, and you file it away.”

“I can’t look at your medical records, they’re all online now.”

“All the juicy stuff is. Since we’re doing personal questions, how long have you been married?”.

“I’m not, well, I hope he proposes soon. We’ve been together for a year, and I do everything I can to make him happy. He just seems so disinterested in me these days; I’m not really sure what to do if he doesn’t.”

“You’re making 200 Christmas cards and have no husband? You never fail to disappoint me, Greta. Come have a drink and read this Cosmo I’m taking home. You’ve been avoiding my invitation for years.”

I took a cab with Diana back to Manhattan after her appointment while my conscious and Changes by 2Pac blared in my head. We pulled up to a gorgeous brownstone that smelled like leather and rain. The first floor was all tile hallways lined in thick, pastel rugs with shiny, mahogany stairs-- her actual house was the next story up. Once we got in there, I sat down with my pack of smokes and decided I was going to stay for an hour, have a drink, and take 1 aspirin when I got home.

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Once I was settled, I rammed the business end of my flip-top box into the leg of Diana’s white director’s chair. I inadvertently bounced my curls and breasts, the latter nearly out of my shirt. I flipped the first cigarette I touched upside down, placing it back inside to pick another one, just like Pop- pop showed me. Diana noticed my ritual and nodded in approval.

“What’s up D?” I asked, sucking out my first draw.

“Well first, nice tits. Second, your options are now a sex lesson from me instead of the daft editors at Cosmopolitan or the greatest adventure of your young life.” Diana said.

“What’s more interesting than sex?” I responded, carefully tugging up my dress.

“Stamp collectors, the price of bananas, warts.” Diana said.

She walked over to the left of her living space, squinting to see the sunset out of the bright stained-glass window.

“I’m disappointed you didn’t pick the second option, Greta.”

“I don’t need another adventure, D. I’m already uncomfortable.”

“Your coming here is part of it, so just calm down. You won’t have to actually do much more, sweets.” Diana cooed.

“That croak in a bush thing you mentioned earlier sure sounded interesting.” I said as I surveyed her true crime selection. I noticed most were stolen library books, which seemed overly fitting.

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“You need professional help. Maybe this was a mistake.” Diana said.

“I don’t mean to be rude--I joke when I’m nervous.” I was enjoying myself more than I thought, but it was getting late. I’d had enough of deciphering these interactions for one day.

“I brought you here to give you something.” Diana turned on her heels and walked over to me. “Something I would give to my kid, save only for two facts: I cannot track him down, and I don’t have enough time to track him down. Either way, it will get passed on just as I received it: from strangers.

“You have a kid?” I asked.

“Yes, and I left him just like my parents left me, no family and no explanation but lots and lots of dough. Any more questions?” she said.

“Not right now. Except maybe for what exactly you want to give me?” I asked.

“More than you bargained for.” Diana said as she walked back to her window. She was squinting harder now, to see the stars through the thick smog.

I had worried when I got there that she was either going to kill me or seduce me. Although I think she could have easily done one, and certainly managed either, Diana didn’t bother me again until 2 days later: the Sunday after my visit to her, when I picked up the Times. She was dangling from a gaping hole where that stained-glass window had been, for all the world to see. No cat eyeliner, no hair, and wearing a suit. The glass on the ground below her had shattered in the shape of the Big Dipper.

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I excused myself from my parent’s breakfast table, taking page 6 and a lox bagel with me to my room. I wondered about a lot for the rest of the day, but the most unsettling of my ponders was the way D had looked. I knew she probably hadn’t started off as a lady, but I figured her masculine days had to have been far behind enough to disregard. I guess it made sense we got along, I was a sucker for complicated men.

I arrived early to work on Monday. Dr. Hales was also surprised that she’d killed herself, although he did admit he was not a psychiatrist. He’d spent Sunday much the same way I did as he had known her for a long time. Apparently, Diana used to be a Mr. David Dawson; her transition required hormone therapy when those medicines were not yet regulated. They caused a rare and aggressive cancer that would have killed her no later than Valentine’s Day. Dr. Hales was trying to reverse her damage, begging her to do chemo, but D had insisted on more hormones: male ones. My best guess was that D had too many regrets about transitioning, perhaps because it made her so sick. When it didn’t work, she killed herself. This was what I resigned myself to believe, and it made me feel better as well as it explained her strange behavior every step of the way.

For the first few weeks after D’s death, I worried about being questioned. I was the last one there, surely someone else knew that. The papers even called it a most unusual suicide, updating the public every so often on the charismatic chef who’d met a gruesome end before they eventually began to lose interest. On St. Patrick’s Day, I got a call from a guy who told me he was a lawyer who wanted me to meet him outside of Bay Ridge about a patient of Dr. Hales. He wouldn’t give any details, but I knew who it was about. Worst case scenario it was a setup to

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interrogate me about D’s death, best case it was information about her that further explained my narrative. I decided I would make an appearance, no matter how it shook out.

Finally, after 3 hours in gridlock, I arrived at a small, but clean hotel. The concierge handed me two credit card style keys. They unlocked the door to room 340, where I found no lawyer and no cops, but a short letter accompanied by a bank card, checkbook, and briefcase. The letter is where I learned of the more-than-I’d bargained-for gift D had set me up with.

Dear Ms. Cannuciari,

We thank you for your assistance in the removal of D.D., simply some of the most extraordinary work we have seen. He was our most beloved detective, but the betrayal we experienced was far too great. The sum is broken down into 1 million USD in $100 bills, which are lining the briefcase. A secure account with our financial institution will house the remaining 76 million USD until either the day you die or the day you speak of our transaction to anyone, for any reason. Mr. Dawson chose the option that’s no longer available, which is to have your genitals cut cleanly off with a Jian--we greatly implore that you do not Google that.

Thank you again, madam. We do hope you will work with us again sometime.

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