#he looks sooooo eensy weensy

[pattydia]

dinner in america bts shot by jp bernier

[joseopher]

HELLO, LADIES, WORMS, HOMOSEXUALS

As we know I check the novacaine tags daily.

But today the lovely @asimplesweettart has informed me one of THE BEST novacaine fanfics has been updated!

Unicorn Puke

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This fic is phenomenal!

We have

NOVACAINE!

Callum being sad

Nicogideon

Nico refusing to stop being horny for even two seconds

Parisa dunking on Callum for being sad and pathetic

Callum failing to handle emotions

Callum thinking murder will solve his emotions

ANGST

Actually some really sweet fluff

Tristan and Callum being so ridiculously fond of each other

Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers!

Okay so the first chapter is *chef's kiss*

The best part is when Nico is being SO in love with Gideon. Callum can't take this so he manipulates Nico to calm the fuck down but then Callum has to take those emotions on himself! 👀

So then Callum has to sit there thinking about Tristan. And it's torture for him. And Parisa obviously witnesses this and (in a girlboss move) is like “It’s a shame that all blew up before you got into his pants, really. I guess you’ll have to take my word for it. He’s very good in bed.”.

ABSOLUTE QUEEN!

Now chapter 2!

“For a while, he allowed hopeless yearning and self-loathing to play ping-pong with his brain. Then, he decided to be drunk.”

Callum is sooooo good dealing with emotions .

And then Callum sees Tristan and instantly drops his booze (which shatters all over the ground) because he's THAT in love. He can't even look at Tristan without losing it.

“Killing is seen as the ultimate inhumanity, an evil that you cannot recover your goodness from once committed. That was why Tristan had spared him that day, because Tristan was a Good Person who could not do Bad Thing.”

Callum have you considered that he cares about you?? (This is so spot on with Callum's character because this is EXACTLY what he thinks)

“You can be like that, Callum. But being a prick isn’t going to make me fuck off like everyone else.” 

✨ THEM ✨ 

This story is so in character oh my gosh

“Sensing that Tristan gave even an eensy weensy tiny shit about him was melting sparkly happiness all over the rest of his mind, causing the mechanisms of his brain to spark and malfunction. He was being forced to savor pity and that was the fucking line.” 

Callum will bluescreen over anything Tristan does and it's perfect.

Then Callum decides because he's happy, he needs to kill Tristan or Tristan needs to kill him. SOMEONE NEEDS TO DIE because he can't process this.

 “I’ve always wanted you,” 

MY BOYS! MY BOYS!

And then later they wake up in the same bed and Tristan is like “oohh Callum looks so peaceful” 

Then Callum wakes up and is a MASSIVE GRUMP

And Tristan's just:

“Ah, Tristan thought with a fond smile. There he is.” 

PERFECT! PERFECTION! AMAZING! PHENOMENAL!