#he kinda lost his faith in ppl after that tho

[goyastardream]

Finished one thing today at least lol

[frizzy-frizz-frizz]

I wanted to copy and paste my fave bits of what you said about kevjean but all of its amazing and I love it "kevin and jean are so intrinsically tied together, they know each other first and foremost." Kill me now jesus christ "kevin had to leave and jean couldnt." Literally just stab me in the chest "that is where the song ends almost as abruptly as the books" im screaming???? I literally did not think of this but you're so right oh my god let me go listen to this song again right now

"Also is it just me or does it feel like neil josten, 'demisexual who never really understood his own attraction' is listening to this while making a kevin day binder on the run" you've honest to god read my mind that's exactly what I'm associating when I listen to the song. His obsession and jealously and the binder and if one of them had to make it he wanted it to be kevin. Also "I can't dare to dream about you anymore" him on the run for sure but also when both of them thought neil was going to be dead by the end of the year

"oh to be a random exy fan in the aftg universe." Honestly the edits ppl would make would be incredible

"NEIL REMEMBERING WHAT KEVIN WAS LIKE AS A KID" BABE YOU GET ME THIS IS SO IT "known for who you know, you know you'll always know me" kevin being the one thing from his past that he wanted to keep that he was still attached to. Also the song reminds of the name of the game by dayurno (it killed and revived me) and Neil just watching Kevin's game in chapter 2 and just fucking marvelling over him

BELIEVE?? The way he has so much faith in Neil and Andrew the way he sees so much potential in them and insists on dragging it out

THROUGH THE GHOST?? "ITS SO KEVIN" You're so right tho the world will never know him like he knows himself him looking at his past self not being able to recognise himself anymore it's all so good

Also I know I said I've never considered nothing new with him in mind but now that I have him in mind it's just "HOW DOES A PERSON KNOW EVERYTHING AT 18 BUT NOTHING AT 22" ALSKSK "WOULD YOU STILL LOVE ME IF I WAS NOTHING NEW???" MY GOD

I adore him to primadonna I've always thought the song was so him and I'm glad for the agreement "all I wanted was the world" "the rise the fall" "you say that I'm kinda difficult" "I know I've got a big ego I really don't know why it's such a big deal though" LIKE HELLO IT WORKS SO WELL

ALSO I NEED YOUR THOUGHTS ON MY TEARS RICHOCHET "And I can go anywhere I want Anywhere I want, just not home" Kevin directly after leaving the nest??? Or directly after joing it "And you're the hero flying around, saving face" the ravens pretending it was a skiing accident??? "You turned into your worst fears" Honestly there are a couple of ppl that could be referring to

TEEN IDLE "The pretty lies the ugly truth And the day has come where I have died Only to find I've come alive" him leaving the nest thinking his life was over to everything that came after

You'd be paranoid too is a song I've literally never heard of but jesus christ "I learned to live with these eyes in my closet Hands in my pockets Alone but surrounded" growing up famous?? In the nest?? ALONE BUT SURROUNDED???

Overwhelmed is literally every anxiety/panic attack scene from the books and I lost a friend kinda makes me think its about him towards riko in like a very "how did I lose a friend I never had"

God this is probably longer than the first message I'm so sorry its gotten out of hand but unfortunately I'm not done

My brain fucking perked up when it heard my alcoholic friends I have no idea why is sounds so familiar but its such a great rec I'm obsessed it fits and it's such a fun song to bop to for some reason

I'm obsessed with willow as a kandrew song kevin is so "They count me out time and time again" and "I come back stronger than a 90s trend"  "Rough on the surface but you cut through like a knife" HELLO "I'll meet you after dark" night practice??? "Show me the places where the others gave you scars" That one fucking scene where Andrew takes his left hand and checks it over I can't deal

This is me trying is so very very Kevin it's hard to just pick a singular line. ALSO Liquid Smooth LIQUID SMOOTH

Anyway I think this is longer than the last ask lmao

i dont mind at all that this is longer than the first message. in fact i am ECSTATIC. im so glad you're liking the playlist, its the BEST feeling

the kevjean dynamic has me in a chokehold i cant stop thinking about them. i feel so validated rn FINALLY someone gets my attachment to that song

"Also "I can't dare to dream about you anymore" him on the run for sure but also when both of them thought neil was going to be dead by the end of the year" GOD and when he looks at kevin that night, kevin who wanted to give him everything the world has to offer and, "will you still teach me?" "Every night" i am DECEASED. THIS SONG. IT MAKES ME THINK OF THAT SCENE AGAIN

SAME dororthea and liability and lost remind me so much of 'the name of the game'...i should reread it again...

believe hit so close to my heart AND YEAH YOU GET IT. kevin's unflinching faith and trust in those two always astounds me. he's the kind of person who just see right through you. past the words and pretensess, right down to your core. just looks at you and sees everythinig you are. everything you could be. and THEN he tells you that you can make it. that you can do it all. he puts the world and all it offers within your reach for the first time and- OF COURSE andrew and neil are obsessed with him. and, no one had ever told them they were worth it before. these three will be the end of me i swear.

"LORD WHAT WILL BECOEM OF ME ONCE IVE LOST MY NOVELTY" YES YES EXACTLY. it so perfect. even the AGES are right.

YES my alcoholic friend s sounds so familiar and i think its cause it sounds like a marina song?? somehow?? but mostly i added it cause of the last verse, "Should I choose a noble occupation? If I did I'd only show up late and sick,

"And they would stare at me with hatred Plus my only natural talent's wasted on my alcoholic friends"

KEVIN FEELING LIKE HE'S TIED TO EXY LIKE. he will keep going back to exy. even if he got to choose to do something else, showing up late and sick, his natural talents only on display on a court.

"ALL I EVER WANTED WAS THE WORLD" YES THANK YOU its works so so well

disclaimer: you might not agree with me at all about my tears ricochet and that's totally fine, my interpretation is VERY self indulgement.

hear me out, i associate my tears ricochet with post-baltimore kandrew. specifically the fallout and the arguments and guilt and pain that followed. because not only does andrew have to earn back kevin's trust, they both have to rebuild their relationship from the ground up. SO imagine my tears ricochet as that process

"I didnt have it in myself to go with grace, cause when id fight you used to tell me i was brave" kevin is all caustic, brutal honesty. he would hurt, and he wouldn't soften the blow. but he'll always come back

"Cursing my name, wishing I stayed, you turned into your worst fears" I FIRMLY believe andrew has had some horrible horrible thoughts about being like every person who's hurt kevin. of kevin being afraid of him. he would throw all of himself into

"We gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean. Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring" kevin and andrew know each other all too well. they're the only ones who can truly push each other. remember when kevin walked intllo court with a raquet in his right hand and andrew was right behind him?? When kevin made andrew TRY for the sake of it?? ('UNSTOPPABLE FORCE VS IMMOVABLE OBJECT' DYNAMIC MY DARLING)

"And you can aim for my heart, go for blood,but you would still miss me in your bones" You think after calmed down from the fear of losing neil he'd see those bruises on Kevin's throat and NOT panic?? That the thought of losing kevin wouldn't send him into a full blown panic? Bullshit. and KEVIN who after it all keeps choosing andrew, who keeps putting faith in him, WOULDN'T keep trying to rebuild?? listen those two are practically melded together okay

"and I still talk to you (when im screaming at the sky)" ANDREW ON THE ROOF

"You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same" IM SOBBING THESE TWO THEY END ME I WILL NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT THEM

I HAVE MORE KANDREW SONGS THAT I HAVENT ADDED YET BUT I WILL

I have so many kandrew songs

I think of them too often

To be honest, I associate 'I lost a friend' to kevin and jean. specifically kevin thinking about jean and all the emotions that come with. this is, once again, about kevin running away to the foxes and jean being at the nest. BUT for extra sad you can remember all the drafts nora wrote where Jean died.

ALSO I like you thoughts on the song being about kevin and riko. riko who he was friends with once, when they were very young. who promised him they'd make court together. who got worse and worse until, soon enough, there might as well have been no trace of the boy who was kevin's friend

WILLOW KILLED ME ITS SO THEM YOU'RE SO RIGHT

"Wherever you stray, ill follow, begging for you to take my hand, wreck my plans" not kevin and andrew barging into each other lives and refusing to let the sink, stubbornly staying afloat and lifting each other up. utterly craving each others plans and expectations of the future. Andrew digging his heels into the ground and yet following Kevin and he promises andrew the world and them drags him towards it

"Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind" and "Like you were a trophy or a champion ring, and there was one prize I'd cheat to win" ANDREW ABOUT KEVIN who pushes and pushes and constantly gives all he has and demands the best

"Wait for the signal and I'll meet you after dark, show me the places where the others gave you scars" Just. THEM. IM SOBBING

more kandrew recs:

Silence by marshmello, Im not okay by weathers, 505 by arctic monkeys, I am not a robot by marina, (twin sized mattress and lost are already on the playlist), and MOST IMPORTANTLY,

wolves without teeth by monsters and men THIS SONG IS SO. THEY ARE SO. its perfect to me.

[jess-the-vampire]

honestly i’m not even sure i should be talking about it, i guess i just feel better to mention it then bottle it up to people who might be wondering

personal stuff under the cut

i’ve had some people recently try to send me moringmark comics, or link me to posts that he’s made and so on and so forth and  it’s cool and i appreciate it cause i love when people send me to new works and stuff.....i just wish i was able to really respond to them like i can with others.

mark blocked me guys, at least here on tumblr (Everywhere else i’m fine for some reason), i can’t view any posts of his and haven’t for awhile.

While we were friends a few years ago, but things have changed since i was helping him with his star vs comics.

back a few years ago when mark’s tumblr got randomly deleted, i was trying to contact him to make sure he was ok and nothing happened and all that and....ever since then he’s never spoken to me.

He kinda...ghosted me, and he has since then.

this was our last exchange:

I never got a reason why, one day we were talking fine and the next he was well....not speaking to me. I didn’t want to spam him so i would try again every few days, then weeks, then months....just with conversation starters....nothing accusatory, i just wanted to check up on him and everything.

I tried contacting him on other Sms and everything but i never got a response, and for awhile i thought maybe he was busy and i was kinda sorta bothering him so i gave him space and tried again months later.....and yeah, he never said anything.

i tried sending him apologies if i said something wrong, i tried asking if he wanted to talk and see what was happening, i was willing to accept if maybe i had said something hurtful and he no longer wanted to be in contact with me.

Because maybe i did at one point and if i did i wanted to own up to it to him because i liked being his friend and wanted to keep being his friend.

but as far as i can tell we had nothing but polite conversation with each other.

And after awhile it started to feel, at least to me, like he was purposefully shoving me to the side and ignoring me. First he stopped following me, then he had a whole comic about the art programs he was using which felt awkward to me because i was actually the person who introduced him to medibang 

not that i needed to be credited for it, obviously, i guess it just felt weird at the time when he mentioned how much he loved it and then just never mentioned i had been the one to introduce him to it. It only came off as weird as it did because i was being ghosted, i probably wouldn't have cared at all if we had been still in contact.

it kinda makes looking at any comics i ever do get to see of his surreal, because i think to an extent “i helped make this.”

I guess it hurts more now looking back, because now i just kinda feel.....used.

Because i never was told why i was being ghosted i’ve been just kinda left to speculate what i did, and sometimes when you’re left thinking like that your mind makes you wonder if he was never my friend in the first place.

or if i felt differently about the friendship then he did.

i helped with ideas for his star vs comics for awhile, got him into a new art program, then all of a sudden he just.....pretended i didn’t exist....it’s...y’know, sad and makes you think.

And it’s upsetting too because i had a very positive experience working with mark briefly, talking about the show and ideas for projects, when this happened i was heartbroken.

Also he never really finished that specific comic so i don’t know if i should be credited for the help exactly, i don’t know if he ever got to most of my ideas.

at most i helped him find artists and their ocs for him to draw and that was the biggest contribution i had that i can at least recall.

Point being tho, it felt hurtful to me, because of course it feels hurtful to feel like you made a friend and helped them and then they pretend you never existed.

But even after this had been happening for a few years i still was giving him the benefit of the doubt because i still wanted to think i was misinterpreting the situation and maybe i still am....

but when i found out he blocked me now as well, i gotta admit, i lost faith on that.....

i only mention all of this at all, because i used to say i really respected mark like a lot, as a creator in the star vs fandom, and that’s still not entirely gone either....but i have to admit....i’ve soured on him....a lot since this happened.

i don’t want anyone going after him or anything (Though i doubt he’d listen to it anyway he’s got so much on his blog it’d drown in the notes, but still, don’t), i just wanted to address why you’ve never seen his content on my blog despite us being friends awhile ago, why i barely talk about him, why i may sometimes get uncomfortable when he’s brought up.

it’s been pretty upsetting tbh, because friends turning on me is something i’m uncomfortably used to happening and it gives me serious anxiety about me being a bad friend or hurting ppl because i’ve had so much bad experience with friendships with rather toxic ppl.

honestly if mark showed up today in my dms and said something to me and why he did all this i’d probably forgive him if he had a reason and i was just being silly or something. But because of how limited the information is for me, i’m sadly left to think of the worst and there’s not much here making it any better.

he’s a very creative guy and he does deserve his following.

but as is, i just wanted to address that our relationship as friends has changed a lot since i talked about it last and why things may seem off these days so people can get a better grasp on what happened.

i feel it’s better i address it then not address it.

the guy doesn’t owe me anything, i just felt personally betrayed as a friend that i at least wasn’t given an explanation for him cutting our relationship how he did.

it is how it is tho, he may never contact me again, especially now that i know he blocked me, and it does make me sad tbh. I did like being his friend and i wish we were still friends, but this seems to be out of my control, he pushed me away and blocked me for whatever reason and i’ve just had to deal with it.

i’ve been trying to move on from it, i have not attempted to contact him in over a year at this point, but it’s hard to avoid thinking of it when he’s as popular as he is.

but i hope this helps give you all an understanding on things and why we don’t seem to be as close as we used to.

[greatteachergojou]

The burden of being the strongest

-> on why Gojo won’t be settling down and why he’s such a child

I’ve been seeing ppl commenting on Gojo being a player and all (based on the character infomations from the fanbook) and it prompted me to write a little brief character analysis on Gojo regarding this matter and also kinda trailed off to a topic that I’ve been meaning to talk about because I get the impression that Gojo is often only perceived as the goofy op madlad who is above everyone and everything - which is also true but there’s also more behind those prominent character traits of his.

!!! Beware of SPOILERS if you’re not caught up to the manga!!! (nothing too specific tho)

------------------------------

So... Gojo Satoru is a player. Gege Akutami has stated that he wears sunglasses when he meets up with them ladies (I think it was in some Q&A if I remember correctly) and in the fanbook he said he can’t picture Gojo being faithful to any specific woman. - Not too surprising if you look at his surface level behaviour/personality. That said, there’s more to it than him being a player just for the sake of it.

Remember that being a jujutsu sorcerer is a high risk job - except for Gojo... since he’s the strongest even the chances of him getting injured is basically zero. But he has seen too many friends and colleagues hurt/loose their lives. You might just die on any random easy mission if you’re not Gojo. It’s not a coincidence that seemingly most sorcerers are not married or anything like that. This job is shit (Nanamin, you’re absolutely right). Choosing this job basically means giving up a normal orderly life in exchange for a life full of uncertainties and dangers. If you’re the type to care for your family it’s probably best not to start one in the first place to spare them from tragedy. As harsh as it sounds, it’s easier to put your life on the line when you don’t have to worry about your other half waiting for you to return home. I think the only ones that would really care to get married and have kids are those from the big sorcerer families because they need to continue their bloodline. And I feel tempted to assume that they don’t care in particular about how their family members feel...

Now, the Gojo clan is one of the big three. It’d normally mean Satoru has the duty to continue his bloodline. He could leave this to other clan members though (assuming he’s not the only member of the Gojo family left). But since he is the holder of the Six Eyes and Limitless and he’s the head of his family, there’d be no way around him getting a wife at some point and have some babies. But we know he’s not about those traditions and very much disdains the inner workings of the clans. And since he’s the head of his family and the strongest, I guess no one can force him to anything anyways.

Gojo is a massive troll and most folks just find him super annoying and  too aloof. But that’s just the side of him that he chooses to display in  most situations. It’s not like a goofy character doesn’t have a  serious side. It’s not like the strongest character never hurts. Because  of his immense power and his nonchalant behaviour one tend to forget  that in the end of the day he’s still just a human. I don’t mean that  he might be a depressed character deep down though.  Rather, I think he’s an innately optimistic person.  It’s just that he surely has some sadness in him that he hides away. I  think he is just the typ of character who, while he’s  indeed  a joyful person, also conveniently uses this side of his to mask the more heavier  things that are on his mind. And he deliberately chooses not to let  people get too close to him because that will prevent him from getting hurt -  which btw perfectly fits his infinity cursed technique...

He understands that being the  strongest is far from meaning that he can protect everyone. God knows  how many friends he’s already lost and while people around him are dying  left and right, he’ll surely remain the last man standing. That’s really  sad if you think about it. While he himself might be untouchable, you  can get to him through threatening others that he cares about like for  example his students. And that is a potential weak point for someone  who’s supposed to be invincible. The strongest sorcerer being  vulnerable? How outrageous, that can’t be allowed, right? Imagine he’d let himself get attached and have a family to care for. He just can’t protect them all the time and he has many enemies on top of that.

Also, right now his ultimate goal is to fundamentally change this world they live in. It’s a huuuge task to tackle (and probably something only he can do). His mind is occupied by this goal which requires him to train as many future talents as possible. When he says he’s busy he always says it in a joking manner but he really is super busy with his general duties of being the strongest and with his ambitious vision (the fanbook also states that he doesn’t sleep much. my poor manchild. how come he still looks like he’s only 18? that’s not fair. i mean, have you seen nanami and ijichi?) Long story short, he also just doesn’t seem too interested in anything else atm. And honestly, who knows if he’ll survive until the very end of the story...

So on first glance it  seems like being the strongest comes with benefits only. But actually,  it’s lonely up there at the very top. And with great power comes great  responsibility. I think he really started to understand that after the  whole deal with Riko.  It’s when he suffered  a devastating  defeat that he started to  understand what it means to be the strongest and it’s when Getou  fundamentally changed that he started to form a clear vision of what he  wants to do and what he can do with his power.  

We don’t know much of Gojo‘s upbringing yet. But  I think it’s save to assume that born as the absolute strongest already had a lot  of burden placed on him basically from the moment he was born. So since  his earliest childhood he needed to deal with the immensely high  expectations from his family and the sorcerer world in general as well  as dealing with the many folks who’d maybe try to get rid of the kid while he’s still just a child. I don’t think it  makes for a happy childhood. From the top of my head I can recall two panels of child Gojo and in both he looked like a distanced child (kinda had the same vibe as Megumi when he was a child).

The circumstances just place a lot of burden for a child. And I guess when puberty hits all those pent-up emotions made him despise authority and made him a rebellious teen who was all cocky and found that those responsibilities as the strongest sorcerer and the whole deal with protecting the weak was the biggest nuisance ever. - That also explaines why he said he won’t allow anyone to steal the best years of the youth (and why he stopped the elders from taking away the students decision on whether or not they should continue the Goodwill event and then proceeded to opt for a fun baseball game) and why he is usually acting like a child himself. Because he didn’t get to live out his childhood and youth himself he cherishes every opportunity he can get to just be easygoing and carefree.

[well-shit-im-a-morosexual-now]

This is probably such an unpopular opinion, but I trust Simeon and Barbatos about as far as I can throw them. As a rule, I don't fuck with anyone who messes with time, and I want to know why he hasn't taken Diavolo's place as king with that kind of power. And something about Simeon just seems off to me. I know he's an angel but he just seems too kind to be genuine. Also Diavolo's been kinda sus lately too. I wouldn't be surprised if they turned out to be the "villians" so to speak of this season

I am so sorry!??? This got lost between the requests & I usually try to reply to theories and opinions and stuff within the day and ah! Sorry :(

Okay going point by point:

NEVER mess with anyone who can not only fuck around time but also smiles when they are angry! That shit is fucked

I'm gonna give my opinion on why Barbatos hasn't dethroned Diavolo by relating it to Batman (which I spent a lot of my childhood & teenage years obsessed with...still kinda am tbh). Barbatos = Alfred Pennyworth. That's it. Look in my opinion Alfred is the most mentally & emotionally stable & competent of the batfamily and a certified badass who could and probably should dethrone Bruce. But he'd rather stay in the background giving advice mixed with thinly veiled passive aggressive sarcasm and go along with his son's boss's newest stupid plan. And that's what I see Barbatos as, the ever faithful butler content with staying in the background and making sure Diavolo's newest plan actually goes off without a hitch. I can't even bring myself to imagine him having any ideation towards the throne. (Obviously I could be wrong tho)

Diavolo's acting super sus, but (maybe I'm being naive) I genuinely think whatever happens/whatever diavolo does he's gonna believe it'll be towards the greater good/peace between all three realms. Like I can't imagine him being the villain outta a genuine need to cause harm to anyone (like Belphie was) but instead a 'sometimes you gotta hurt a few ppl/burn a few bridges to make sure the world as a whole is saved'. Still a pretty shitty ideology but hey his heart is in the right place...kinda

Okay but Simeon freaked me out in the beginning too? Like I feel better about him now (specially after seeing how he acted when directing the play) I think it was cause of how calm and serene he always was? That kinda things freaks me out a bit. It doesn't help that the idea of angels somehow scares me more than demons? In a real life context (not religious & don't believe in them, nothing against anyone who does) the idea of a being who's supposed to be wholely good who can see what you do, judge you and only treat you right if you met a certain standard is 100x more terrifying to me than a scary looking demon who you always know is out to harm you (fear of the unknown I guess). I started becoming okay with him after they showed more of his personality? Teasing Lucifer, caring about Luke that kinda thing. But if we ever get the option to date him I wouldn't be able to make myself take it cause LIs who are unconditionally/overly giving & selfless towards mc always makes me uncomfortable? I always make sure to distance myself from my mcs but obviously since I'm the one playing them my genuine emotions/reactions do govern them to an extent & LIs like that make me feel like they are expecting something in return? Even though logically ik their character was just written to be naturally caring, giving & loving towards mc without any attached expectations? This includes characters like Asra from The Arcana & Nicky from Fictif's Two Against the Wold. While I like them just fine as characters their interactions as LIs make me super uncomfortable. & I feel like Simeon has evolved from a sus character to me to one of my favs despite the fact that I'd nope the fuck outta a relationship between him & mc... This whole para makes me feel like I need therapy😑

[amandabe11man]

a VERY LONG post about Hell on Wheels

YEAH i forgot about this post in my drafts... it’s been like a year since i finished the show now and i feel i’ve barfed everything out into this post (that i can think of), so here it goes (you’ll have to shield your eyes after the spoiler warning if you don’t wanna be spoiled btw. i can’t seem to be able to add a read more-link...) :

SO... i finished watching “hell on wheels” at last, pm half a year since i started. it’s funny because i was under the impression that i’d sOMEHOW be able to binge all five seasons within just one month (reason: i wanted to watch it before my free trial on HBO’s website went out). honestly, that wouldn’t have been possible because it was a LOT more emotionally draining than you’d think at first glance... after being gutpunched three times in a row in season 4, any reasonable human would need a little break.

anyway, it feels-- weird. i’ve never been big on following tv-shows so i haven’t been able to relate to that feeling ppl describe once they’ve finished a show they’ve become so attached to, except NOW i can relate. the show’s not groundbreaking, it’s not perfect, but i’ve had a lot of fun. what a ride it’s been...

looking back, i’d say HOW’s biggest weakness is its tendency to forget or ignore certain plot points. i guess that’s not too weird, with such an arsenal of characters, but still, i find that’s what bugged me the most, if anything bugged me at all. for example--

[SPOILERS for those who might wanna watch it after seeing me go on abt it, idk]:

first off, what REALLY grinds my gears is how ezra dutson’s plotline was handled. it was set up perfectly in the beginning; having him escape from the swede (who promised him that, and i quote: “i’ll find you, ezra! i always do”), the original plan was obviously for ezra and the swede to “reunite” some time in the future so that ezra could tell everyone that the swede killed his parents, thus tying up loose ends and giving some closure to that whole arc. some might say this would’ve been too predictable, but i would rather have that predictable storyline than having it just end unceremoniously like it did, with ezra dying ACCIDENTALLY and off-screen by sidney snow’s hand, simply as a way to further bohannon’s pain and set the stage for ruth’s final arc. this might’ve been fine, if the writers had made it so that ezra actually, y’know, TOLD SOMEONE WHY HE’S AN ORPHAN TO BEGIN WITH. but they didn’t even give the viewer that form of closure, instead just deciding to use him as a plot device for the other characters’ increased angst... bohannon and the others were never even made aware of ezra’s last name, and this is all what bugs the everliving SHIT outta me: the only ones who know, or will EVER know, ezra’s full story is the swede and the viewer, tho after season 4′s end, ezra is never mentioned or acknowledged again-- not by bohannon, and not even by the swede. ezra went from convenient character with a PURPOSE to “nameless” orphan forgotten by history. thanks, writers...

then there’s the whole deal with campbell coming to town to reinforce The Law™, which wasn’t a bad arc, mind you-- campbell and his goons were the most infuriating little shits for a while there-- but the thing is; didn’t campbell LIE to his men about the president giving him the position as governor? i might’ve misunderstood it, but i’m PRETTY sure the president didn’t give him THAT much of an upstanding role, but that campbell just went ahead and took that position anyway? if that was indeed the case, then that’s another plot hole, cause nobody finds out about campbell’s possible trickery to become the governor. nobody rats him out, despite literally no one in “his” town liking him all that much, so they’d have no reason to protect his “secret”. (correct me if i’m wrong on this one though. i might be misremembering things)

then there’s the other pretty infuriating issue of bad guys never getting called out for doing bad shit (unless it’s the swede, who gets all the blame, all the time), for example:

major dick bongbendix(???idk he had a silly name like that) is presented VERY MUCH as a bad guy in the beginning. y’know, just casually beheading natives on all his missions and collecting those heads and taking them to the bar like a fucking nutcase-- those little details. he also seemed to believe in racial biology, so yeah, definitely not a good guy. but by the end, he’s been watered down into some quirky guy who’s ALMOST on friendly terms with the main characters. yeah, uh-- seems everyone (writers included) collectively forgot the whole public display of cut-off heads he had going on...

aaron hatch: started off as a guy too proud for his- or his family’s own good when he shot the police officer, BLAMED IT ON HIS FUCKING SON and then just kinda let bohannon hang the kid even though it was pretty obvious hatch was just shifting the blame away from himself. THEN he reappears with some other mormons and causes a full-on shootout in the town (probably getting some people killed, i don’t remember), TAKES EZRA (also a mormon) HOSTAGE SO THAT BOHANNON WILL COME WITH THEM WILLINGLY and passive aggressively forces bohannon to marry his daughter who bohannon knocked up. somewhere along the line, hatch’s bad side is just thrown to the wind, and bohannon at one point describes him as “a good man”. yeah, ABOUT THAT--

sean and mickey mcginnes: unlike the ones mentioned above, these two started out as seemingly decent dudes, but ended up pm as secondary villains in the end. however, like the ones mentioned above, they hardly face any consequences for whatever crap it was they did in boston, OR the fact that they killed and fucking mutilated/dismembered a man in cold blood (a man who WAS gonna kill them, yes, but HE did it because he thought they had killed his friend, which wasn’t a farfetched idea since mickey DID brag about killing the dude even though he didn’t actually do it). sure, they face their OWN demons as time goes on, they get ostracized, and they start losing faith in each other as well, which ends up with mickey killing sean before the latter can confess(?) his/their crimes. so, while sean was spineless and a creep, at least he thought about finally owning up to what he’d done in the end, whereas mickey lives on to keep doing shady shit, killing people, and getting increasingly more corrupt. he does end up pursuing new goals in the end, but it’s obvious he’s not happy about it anymore. that’s-- really all the comeuppance he ever gets, and the only one who knows about his shady businesses are pm just bohannon, durant and eva (also, personal gripe here-- they seemed to not settle for “just” tarring and feathering the swede and publicly humiliating him, but i’m pretty sure i recall mickey telling bohannon they were thinking about having the swede killed too. keep in mind, this was BEFORE the swede truly lost it and started killing people left and right. apparently, being kind of a douche about taxes is bad enough to warrant being tortured and cast out by the entire community... i’m obviously biased here, but still-- the mcginnes bros’ double standards are amazing to behold)

now that i’ve aired some of that out-- here are some highlights, according to me:

unexpected friendships, like that between eva and durant. i’d say the swede finding that stray dog and fawning all over him qualifies into this category too

durant and campbell fighting in the mud before finally coming to an agreement -- just- durant and his competitors being petty as fuck, honestly. it’s hilarious

bohannon trying to get through to elam by reminiscing about their friendship, especially since bohannon isn’t one to show his feelings often OR get sappy -- in fact, EVERY time bohannon loses his stoic facade is a good moment. when he was gonna bury elam and he just broke down completely for the first time since we were introduced to him... that shit had me in tears as well, but man was it a great scene

jimmy two-squaws

every time the swede opens his mouth (yes, even when he’s spouting some lies and bullshit like that)

ruth’s character development. i admit i didn’t like her at all in the beginning, idk something just felt off about her, but man did she ever grow on me. just-- how everyone kinda relied on her eventually, even though she’s only like in her 20′s or something... she still became a pillar of the community. bless ya, ruth :’ı -- also, her essentially adopting ezra was Pure as heck. I Lov it

the fact that this was the 1800′s and the only backlash the (openly) LGBT characters faced for it was pm just “yeah they’re a bit confused maybe but they’re not hurting anyone”. maybe that’s not very realistic but WHO GIVES A SHIT AMIRITE

mr tao just being a sweet old man

chang’s sunglasses, straight out of Django Unchained

mr toole’s complete heel-turn from racist POS to someone who sticks by his word to turn himself around. that shit was impressive coming from him, tbh

bohannon just calmly running into a buffalo by the train tracks

mei posing as a grown man instead of a boy (which is what she looks and sounds like, oml)

another thing i realized is that bohannon is a classic gary stu. there’s just no getting around that fact after seeing him being revered by most everyone he meets, how he’s somehow the only person able to build the railroad(s) fast and efficiently, and even wooing the literal PRESIDENT and becoming close friends with him-- all this despite his Bold and Brash personality. of course, there’s more to bohannon than these gary stu-symptoms, but i felt someone should bring it up, for the lulz

[kendrixtermina]

Someone finally uploaded a Kingdom Route run with everyone recruited!

So imma be doing a bit of reacting

Kingdom!Ignatz works a bit like Empire!Felix  - He wanted to go his own way unlike what his parents said and is thus following Byleth. In this case it’s of course somewhat less angsty ‘cause the Victors have the means to flee if necessary, unlike Rodrigue who was a prominent leader of the kingdom side of things

In an interesting parallel to how half the cast abandons the kingdom cause it’s a sinking shipload of kamikaze, on the other routes, Raphael complains about the instability and confusing politics of the alliance and how she should probably grab Maya and his grandfather and get them to Garreg Magh. I suppose a lot of people without connections or political accumen must feel this way. the monastery IS light javelin proof, so yeah...Raphael isn’t salty toward Claude himself tho. Then again he has little capacity for salt and in his paralogue it’s kinda shown that he makes a deliberate choice to live a low-salt lifestyle its not just obliviousness, he actively doesnt want grudges or awkwardness in his life

Leonie is also here to babysit Byleth and tells them not to let Dimitri push them around 

Hilda: “The Monastery is a mess. So is Dimitri. I’m only here because Byleth is competent and Holst is annoying“

Dorothea and Bernie have so far gotten identical dialogues to the church route

Lysithea is interesting and kinda morally ambiguous. She says outright that she cares nothing for the kingdom or anything other than a peaceful life for her parents. She wants to get at the slitherers for her own revenge and they’re in the empire so she finds Dimitri’s revenge obsession convenient. Also very ironic cause, are she and Edelgard gonna fight each other because they both want to get at Thales? Very interesting bc vanilla BL doesn’t adress the slitherers that much - of course Lysithea says she has beef with “the empire” and doesn’t elaborate. At the same time Lysithea is MUCH more logical and self aware than most of the kingdom crew bar Sylvain so yeah

actually,  Lysithea, like Felix, has TONS of route specific dialogue. I guess the devs expected those two to get recruited a lot since they are just flat out the strongest students apart from the house leaders. 

The Kingdom is arguably just as infiltrated but Lysithea doesn’t know... and at this point Cornelia’s cooperating with the Empire anyways

General trend of the Alliance recruitees not being all that attached to the Alliance as they hardly knew each other at the start and half of them had nothing to do with politics

Nothing to do with the recruitees, but so THATS what happens if you propose to go to Fhirdiad first. Dimitri is like “You’re supposed to lead the church! Go rescue Rhea!” ...he doesn’t know the whole thing with Byleth being experimented on by Rhea (neither does Byleth at this point) but it is kinda low. Mitya you have no leg to stand on here indeed the main reason I was sympathetic to you last playthrough is that you never ASKED Gilbert & co to put you on the throne and made clear that you’re not interested in that... so following you was on them to an extent. but you don’t get to say “Do your Bishop job” (that Byleth never asked for) if you’re not doing your job cause you’re too busy doing your kamikaze raid. Then again he’s probably too emotional and just plain done with everything rn to see the contradiction/look at this with perspective he’s probably physically incapable of chilling out rn

It just ends with Byleth doing a pointed sadface. daamn Mitya don’t be mean to By-By she still believes in you dude : (  Though it makes sense he’s big on obligation he’s doing this revenge trip because he feels he must. So it’s more a distortion than it really is a contradiction, as far as he’s concerned he IS doing his duty...to the fallen. I guess if you can’t handle him at his “Go be a bishop or something” you don’t deserve him at his “my beloved~” 

Still hurts a bit tho. Especially when Claude, though not without his own agenda, was distinctly a good friend on the topic, “Teach you’re in charge now be more confident~ the church doesnt run you, you run the church”

Before Aillel Dorothea says something about the Kingdom people also looking undecided of where to march, but she also wonders if some fighting/ victory will quell uncertainty 

Also she and mercie are standing next to each other! Ive said before that it’s weird how they don’t rly have a support though they are the two most popular extroverted ppl on the campus... they GOTTA know each other at least on a smalltalk basis

Alois is like “These kingdom ppl dont seem to know what they want... but hey this allow YOU to shine as a leader”... so basically Byleth is running this show but for all that they’re a good field commander and decisive when it comes to immadiate practical problems, as far as big picture direction goes, well, Sothis’ “boulder” quote comes to mind. They just never had big attachments on convictions, the Felix support chain is also salient here. They kinda just did whatever job they were given until they found a bigger cause/purpose after throwing in their lot with one of the lords or the remaining saints.

I wondered how this would play out as the Kingdom route is very kingdom-specific, whereas Claude, Edelgard and the church all have an universal cause for people to get behind. I guess how this plays out is that before Dimitri’s turnaroud there’s the kingdom faction and the Byleth faction and Byleth is kinda trying to run the show as they think Dimitri would if he were at his best

Caspar is still on the more unphazed side but also substantially more phazed than on the church or GD routes, he wasn’t particularly close to Randolph but he’s not unaffected by Dimitri going a tad over the top here - he also has the takeaway that Dimitri probably never trusted him much since he was born in the empire.

Sylvain actually alledges something about Dimitri not socializing much with any Adrestians even back in the academy days if you recruit him on CF so this does not come out of nowhere. Also kinda makes me wish they had a support - theyre both naturals at smashing things but they have very different attitudes towards it. then again i suppose it would go alot like the raphael one

Ferdie recognizes Myrrdin is a strategically better location but as Aegir territory is closeby he wishes we could have invaded through there so he could take it back... Would the citizens want him back tho? After the war its a no-brainer cause he helped end it, the peasants arent going to complain about too much peace and prosperity nor are they gonna feel nostalgic about anyone who started a war with their tax money and then lost it, but if he waltzed into an area that had thus far been far from the frontlines, following his fathers’s exploitative management and 5 years of semi equal rights under edelgard? he might have been welcomed with  pitchforks, through no fault of his own. 

He says something implying hed like to come rescue his relatives implying that some of them are still alive. of course the pm deserves all Edelgard threw at him and then some, but id be curious about Ferdie’s other relatives. His mom probably looks just like him, because he sure didnt get the looks from his dad... or anything else really, apart from the crest and hair color. - though i think the a support with bernadetta implies that shes no longer around

Lorenz bitterly remarking that of course Claude and his dad eventually made peace since they both only serve their own interests. (”So long as their interests are in allignment they will continue to cooperate”)   Says the guy we just rescued from his endeavors in turncoatery. Lorenz you’re pretty opportunistic too, and as for your redeeming features Claude has those too - but of course you’ll never find out in this one. Still, it shows that he’s painfully aware that his father - whom he would have died protecting if we hadn’t spared him - is a villain and a hack

Claude isn’t super trusting and knows that he gets percieved as shifty so he promises people to get them theirs so that they support him out of self interest. No need to take a chace. Of course by the end of this route he WILL take big chance on Dimitri 

That says Lorenz is not SO biased that he can’t tell that Claude might be interested in working with the kingdom army

Lysithea (who surprisingly has TONS of unique dialogue here, and I like that it’s a complex mature plot) is having her doubts and not trusting Dimitri for all that she finds him an useful idiot. By and large you get the sense that many consider Byleth the leader of this operation, she’s glad that Byleth is there to issue sensible orders. She tells Byleth not to tell anyone and worries about what will happen once the empire’s vanquished. No faith in team Kingdom... at all. Understandable of course

Hilda’s dialogue is largely the same as in the church route and at times kinda the same in all routes but I like how she’s like “Claude might’ve looked like a lazy bum but he’s smart! If he says he’s on our side he will defs help!” before the gronder fiasco

A lot of NPCs stir the suspicion here so it stands out how much she totally trusts him like hes any other friend

As with the other routes with the recruitees you get an idea of what’s going on in the other territories such as Lysithea deducing that Judith must be backing Claude in his gambit

One moment you think Lorenz is going to add some somber insightful commentary to the sincerity of Claude’s offer but then he’s like, “Granted Dimitri is much improved. He must be asking us for help cause he trusts ME” XD Like... no friend. You’re almost right but if there’s anyone here he was faith in its Byleth. And then he’s even like, “Well no choice but to save poor Claudesy” On the one hand it shows that there not just pure hate there on the other... lulz. 

apparently one of the first things Dimitri did after getting his act together post gronder is profusely apologize to Caspar for that ugly business with Randolph. Thats a worthwhile detail and i want fanfic of it. Caspar being Caspar he wasnt really keeping a grudge, they’re a warrior clan and they were at war

They had to move out so quickly that Hilda had no time to go shopping in Fhirdiad #Priorities XD

Meanwhile Ignatz, like a normal person,  hopes his folks will be safe

hilda does eventually remember to maybe save her folks and claude but only after making Byleth promise to go on a shopping trip with her. Someone should probably write that fanfic

Someone told me that Ferdinand had some prominent critical lines but it was really just one, and it’s as I suspected actually just a variant of the same “a king can’t be emotional” line he gets in all the routes, this time with the addendum that if he turned around and decided to go rescue the capital, he might be capable of reason/being a decent leader after all.  granted I guess compared to how most of the Kingdom people go along with everything it comes off critical? IDK.

Lysithea misses Rodrigue :( 

Lorenz and Ignatz standing next to each other was a nice touch they have a fairly wholesome friendship

Leonie’s just glad that ol’ Mitya is “back to normal” especially since she’s pretty sure that they don’t have enough soldiers to get to Fort Merceus let alone Enbarr

For obvious reasons, Petra is pretty sympathetic about the whole “retaking Fhirdiad” thing

Seeing Seteth and Catherine so certain that Rhea would want them to save the people of Fhirdiad first when you know that she wouldn’t hesitate to set the place on fire is just...OUCH. Though it does show the goodness in Seteth and Catherine themselves. 

Manuela wishes she could’ve moved her informary to gronder and save a few more peeps :(

It seems like to Leonie, Dimitri will always be just “Dimitri”, King or not. Figures she aaaaalmost adressed even Byleth by name XD You really DO get the sense that he interacted alot with the recruitees

All the house leaders shouldve had more supports. 

If you grabbed hanneman he’ll give you some extra backstory on Cornelia - apparently she was originally from the empire and an eminent scholar whose great work Hanneman was vaguely aware of. I would assume that was still the real cornelia. Judging by the timing it sounds like she might’ve smuggled Patricia out of Adrestia. Assuming both were still original at this point this might present a possibility for why she trusted/vouched for cornelia without being complicit / lend itself to a “she was duped” reading

But it’s still suspicious that she would end up courting the second most powerful man in the land right after number one. 

Some had suggested that Cornelia caused the plague in the first place but the thing is there was a perfectly credible  “mundane” explanation for it (the city’s sewers not being up to date technologically) that theres no reason to doubt

Assuming that all the replacements occurred 14 years before part one when Arundel stopped his donations/ thins being about the time when Cornelia’s personality was noted to have changed completely, that would mean both the “fixing the severs” thing and the soppy story about how Edelgards’ parents met would be real 

AAAA everything to do with patricia is just so ambiguous - if they were longtime friends wouldn’t she have noticed something “off”? Same with her brother actually. Lambert had his own country so its not like there was no one to protect her. 

Ahhh THIS is how lorenz gets iinto the midset for that prissy, hes pissed that Claude dissolved the Alliance and misses it XD

you DO get to call him out for being a turncoat himself tho. particularly hilarious since Byleth just blinks and asks a casual question there

He immediately changes his tune

oh lorenz dear, i love you but you, sir, are WEAK xD

Lysithea as always calls everything and notes how suspicious arundel was alluding to the hrym nightmare also mentioned in her paralogue

She also mentions that he was said to be good and just at one point suggesting that there was a real Volkhard von Arundel at some point. 

if the replacement took place when those donations ceased then Edelgard and Dimitri were 3, 14 years before part 1. Early enough that this could be around the time Patricia left enbarr, if this is when it happened then the romantic tower story might be real assuming that the Arundels were replaced at the same time - whatever arrived in Faerghus recomended patricia for a job so it probably had already happened by then 

Its all so ambiguos tho we can only speculate there are so many possibilities

Ignatz marvels at how Claude managed to minimize damage to Alliance lands throughout the war, as in CF only Deirdru itself got particularly thrashed. Ignatz’ folks are safe and sound! Leave it to him to wonder where Claude might have absconded to. He was always one of the insightful ones but not in the same way as the other clever ones. More intuitive I guess. Cant remember if it was indentical to what you get if you spare Claude on CF (Cue the lets player remarking that Claude is probably stuck in a washing machine somewhere... he hadn’t cleared the Alliance route at that point)

Lol HILDA “And then the whole Alliance descended into chaos...” or actually she is surprised that that DIDNT happen and how orderly Claude managed the dissolution. “But I Guess we’re screwed if Dimitri turns out to be a crazed despot... he’s not gonna go crazy again is he?” You of little faith XD But she says all this in her usual cheery nonserious voice like

this chapter has a lot of unique dialogue actually

Linhardt  impressed that anyone would have the guts to attack Fort Merceus directly and suggests looking for weak spots in the old walls

He shows up guarding it in SS and Vw doesn’t he? Guess he was visiting Caspar or something - or would have been familiar with the place from visiting the Bergliez clan in the past. 

Ferdinand is wowed by Claude bowing out giving him kudos for caring about the peoples wishes. He thinks Edelgard ought to quit at this point and he’s alot harsher on her here than in any of the other routes. (”Not reveryone with noble blood has noble ideals” - Coming from Ferdinand that’s an accusation ) Interestingly at this point hes sticking with Dimitri cause post character developement, lots of ordinary ppl support him at this point and hes popular with the crowds. He’s wholly on the Savior King bandwagon, and maybe that’s why he’s harsher. He’s partial. Says something about him actually, largely good things when you think about it. Dimitri is probably the closest to what Ferdinand’s (and Lorenz’) own beliefs were. He likes the existing order and living in a fancy palace but he thinks the rulers should serve the people.

Its kinda ironic and sad because in ALL the other routes he clearly thinks Dimitri is an idiot and a bad ruler, and says he should be more composed and objective. But Dimitri wasnt at his best there now was he? 

 now ill be sad everytime I get to those “Ferdinand disses Dimitri” lines. They couldve been buds! 

but i dont see this happening in any other route. According to something Sylvain says in cf Dimitri avoided ppl from the empire  at the academy so they wouldnt have cozied up pre-timeskip, and its only the version of Dimitri who has his shit together which appeals to Ferdie as a leader. 

really torn here on the one hand its a nice synergy to see lorenz and especially Ferdinand (who is waaay less arroganz than lorenz) sort of getting to win on their own terms with a ruler that jives with them and their Lawful Good fantasy classic thing. It’s not just a status quo thing its a protectors of the people thing. It’s heroic.  On the other hand it feels like they’re stagnating when they could have had growth. This is basically the same Lorenz and the same Ferdinand we first met except slightly more mature.  Notably lorenz is the same in the church route whereas Ferdie isnt as he still ends up rebelling fleeing and fighting against the empire. It helps that he practically winds up leading the remaining Eagles, albeit under Byleth and Seteth.  

He still gets that line about being kinda sad to see the empire go though he knows there must be an end to the chaos, i think a few lines are different, so, not wholly without doubt

Shamir muses about hoe the three countries were once one and the same, but wonders that even if we put fodlan togethere theres no guarantee that it wouldnt come apart again. i mean there isnt, and wether thats a bad thing would depend a lot on the circumstances but its also possible that theyll get used to being one and forget they wrere ever separate. no one controls the far future... and should they? After all its always possible that someone in the future will have unforseeable circumstances or better ideas

Caspar sighs with relief that they didn’t have to fight his dad, last second worry about him turning up in the capital nonwithstanding... right does he get to live in this? Carpar wonders what’ll happen to him if they win, but he’s not holding down Faerghus so he might not have died the way he did in Silver Snow and Verdant Wind. It’s at least possible that he was captured alive and pardoned somehow. 

Marianne’s adoptive dad sure smelled which way the wind was blowing; He was supporting Claude’s strategy to get the Cloucesters back under controll but sent Marianne to curry favor with the kingdom. Make friends with whoever wins I suppose. Ambitious politician indeed. 

When she doesnt her from him in a while she wonders if he forgot about her but says she wouldnt mind that much because at least she wouldnt have to do any more politics? I distinctly recall that in gd there was something about how they got along better after the timeskip. Sigh. 

she is real glad that Dimitri and claude ended up cooperating in the end

So does Dorothea but then she makes herself sad wishing that Edelgard was also there :( Me too friend, me too.  I think thats the one unique line she gets this route. I like how it’s consistent in the church route she’s also the one who feels the most sad about betraying her, they were pretty close pre timrskip 

as far as leonies concerned Dimitri is still just Dimitri even after taking back his kingdom. i like to think hed appreciate that. its also very typical of leonie. as with the “Caspar gets an apology” thing plenty of the recruitees get lines hinting that theres been more personal interaction between them and dimitri, kinda goes with how ppl in his own house follow him more out of personal loyalty than because they follow his plans like with the other two. hes kinda a very approachable sort of leader, makes the decisions with the group or follows whatever gilbert and Byleth decide, in the other routes theres always a distinct inner circle. Its cool how they incorporated the recruitees into that dynamic. 

Petra is dissapointed that they DIDNT do a sneak attack on fort Merceus contrasting her usual line about how she likes sneak attacks.  Dimitri naps both that an Enbarr head on doesn’t he? The Church has a smaller Army full of peeps who would rather not destroy Enbarr, and Claude agrees with Petra on the sneak attack thing and then Edelgard did that sorta shady but largely very gutsy thing where she didn’t sound the evacuation to restrict Claude’s movements knowing that there was zero danger that he would plow through the civilians (they don’t do this here cause last time they met Dimitri he was not feeling merciful indeed judging by huberts welcome lines and engage quotes he doesnt buy the turnaround), the AM ending narration also suggests that Enbarr wasn’t rebuilt, though Dimitri gave distinct “No pillaging!” orders, so they probably just couldn’t avoid wrecking the buildings and relocated the citizens. 

Ashe also speculates where Claude went. That’s one of the things i like about Ashe he consistently averts out of sight out of mind I particularly always loved how he consistently worried about Dedue. Someone ought to. 

Ingrid interestingly changed her tune here / kinda speaks positively of claude here - in CF she was like “I always though he was creepy”

Then again that was before fighting him I don’t recall If those two dont get the same lines if you spare Claude,  have to go back and check

id like to mention that the lets player put lorenz in the pyjamas/loungewear the whole time as “punishment” for being late to the reunion and poked fun at him throughout.

[urfavmurtad]

Hi ! Do you have any books recommendations for someone who want to have a better understanding of Islam (on the historical aspect for exemple)? Beside the quran/hadiths. I want to learn more but I don't want Islamic propaganda or something overtly negative. Thanks!!! I love your blog and you're a great writter

No problem anon, I’d love to give some book recs! There are so many shitty books on Islamic history out there, and they’re shitty in many ways. It’s not just the ones written by Muslims that have problems. Some books are written by pop “historians” who have no business writing about this subject, others are from Orientalists who think Arabs invented civilization, others are from revisionists who don’t seem to have met a single Arab person in their lives. I have had to read through buckets of shit to find some gems. This is the true jihad.

I’m gonna dig through my bookshelf and mostly focus on the books that can be found for free online or in most libraries, just for the sake of accessibility.

I think a very good and very basic place to start is this… semi-series by Robert Hoyland, who is a professor at NYU. Hoyland was a student of a writer I’m not fond of (Patricia Crone, who did make some valuable contributions about the status of Mecca but was an extreme revisionist). But he’s not really like that at all, and his sources are basically impeccable. He has three books that I’d happily recommend for beginners, starting in the pre-Islamic era and going into the conquests:

Arabia and the Arabs* (pdf here). This is one of the very few works about pre-Islamic Arabia that brings in information from non-Islamic sources. It’s mostly about northern and southern Arabia (as in… not Mecca or anything near it) because those are the places mentioned by outside sources, but still. This is one of, like, three respectful books on pre-Islamic Arabia that I’ve ever read. I was so happy when I found it.

Seeing Islam as Others Saw It* (pdf here). I’ve linked this before in this post, so you can glance through that to see if the subject interests you. This is just a collection of early non-Islamic sources about the Islamic conquests. It’s a huge reference book, so feel free to skip around and just read the parts you’re interested in. It’s good stuff and may make you stan Muawiya a little purely based on his competency idk

In God’s Path: The Arab Conquests and the Creation of an Islamic Empire* (pdf here). I like this a lot, but I don’t agree with all of its conclusions. This is where you can see some of Crone’s influence, but it’s not super revisionist and there are some interesting ideas within it. Hoyland does significantly downplay the role of Islam as a faith here, seeing it as essentially a glue pulling Arabs together and uniting them into one political entity. The last three pages of Fred Donner’s frankly bitchy review… points were made. I still recommend it tho!His ideas on one of the driving forces of the conquests being the Arab “muhajirun” (applied to the conquering army as a whole instead of just the group that left Mecca) and their desire to settle in other lands is at least food for thought.

I’d also v strongly suggest reading up at least a little on the poor long-forgotten empires that dominated the Middle East before Islam’s glorious birth, the Byzantines and the Sassanids. In my experience, most ppl know very little about the former and nothing about the latter. But they were kind of, uh, important? So it might be worth reading a bit on them.

For the Byzantines, take your pick: do you want a dense scholarly book or a lighter but quicker read? The scholarly one I’d suggest is The Making of Byzantium by Mark Whittow (pdf here). The lighter one, Lost to the West: The Forgotten Byzantine Empire That Rescued Western Civilization* by Lars Brownworth (borrow), has a very ott title that reminds me of those “ISLAMIC CIVILIZATION SAVED EUROPE!!” books that I hate. But the content focuses far more on internal Byzantine stuff than its “legacy” or w/e. It’s definitely less academic than Whittow’s book, but on the plus side it’s way easier to read tbh.

If you really get into it and want to read more single-topic Byzantine books, I’d also suggest most of Judith Herrin’s books, including Unrivalled Influence: Women and Empire in Byzantium and Margins and Metropolis: Authority Across the Byzantine Empire. She also has a general overview of Byzantium (borrow).

There’s also a Byzantine history podcast, I stan it.

The Two Eyes Of The Earth* by Matthew Canepa (pdf here). This is half regular-history and half art history, but don’t let that scare you!! I know very little about art history and I found it easy to read. It’s REALLY GOOD and for a book you can find for free it lays out the relationship between the Byzantines and Persians really well.

For the Sassanids: Sasanian Persia* by Touraj Daryaee (pdf here) is a very brief, easy read and only around 150 pages long. It’s worth it just to familiarize yourself with the topic. A more in-depth rec is Arsacids and Sasanians by Rahim Shayegan (pdf here), which is a longer-term view of Persian history.

Arabs and Empires Before Islam* (pdf here) is a collection from multiple authors that touches on Arabs in relation to both empires, and extends its reach into South Arabia as well.

The Palestinian historian Irfan Shahid’s long series on Byzantium and the Arabs* has been made available online via the Dumbarton Oaks library. His work is a tad outdated nowadays, but it’s still a great resource. This guy has literally spent decades on this single topic and he provides us with his work for free…… a legend tbh. (The download links are on the top right of each page, if you can’t find them.) Honestly every book has worthwhile information in it, but on the topic of Islam/Islamic history you probably want the ones on the sixth century, since that’s when Mo was born. The full thing is like… 800 pages, so. Take it slow! Other scholars on Byzantine-Arab interactions include Walter Emil Kaegi and Greg Fisher, with Fisher being more skeptical of later Islamic texts than the other two. But I’ve read useful stuff from all three.

Rome and the Arabs (pdf here)

Byzantium and the Arabs in the 4th Century (pdf here)

…Fifth Century (pdf here)

…Sixth Century: Volume 1, Part 1 (pdf here)

…Volume 1, Part 2 (pdf here)

…Volume 2, Part 1 (pdf here) 

…Volume 2, Part 2 (pdf here)

Now… if you are looking for some actual history about Mohammed and his earliest followers, just be aware that 100% of the information on The Life And Times Of Crazy Mo comes from Islamic sources written over a century after he died. All that anyone can do is dig through them and try to determine, based on whatever criteria, what is plausible and what isn’t plausible. I’d actually suggest you read the primary sources (as in the stuff written by Muslims over a thousand years ago) yourself, since that’s what all these books are based upon. If you don’t wanna slog through the big ahadith collections, you might wanna read one of these:

The Expeditions* by Mamar ibn Rashid (pdf here). I might suggest starting here, because 1) it’s short! (the page count is a lie bc it’s dual Arabic-English) and 2) once you understand the stuff in this, it’ll make reading the larger works way easier. This is a selection of ahadith narrated by a student of al-Zuhri, who was a student of one of the sahaba (Anas ibn Malik). So there is a short and very direct chain of transmission all the way back to the rise of Islam here. You can see how much of the “official story” of Islam was already decided-upon in the 8th century (a lot!), what spots were vague and still being filled in (90% of the pre-hijra days), and what was open to debate (tidbits like: when was the “year of the elephant”?). Note that this covers like… fragments of the story, it is not a full sira.

It’s interesting to compare the above to Ibn Ishaq’s long-ass sira (pdf here), which is from the same century. I might do a post on the differences between them at some point. Ibn Ishaq’s is referenced by virtually all later authors so it’s kinda… important to read it, even though it’s long.

There is another early biography by al-Waqidi (who was considered less credible by his contemporaries and deemed an outright liar by many of them), I don’t really care for it but you can read about the differences between his and Ibn Ishaq’s sira here. It’s still worth a read even tho al-Waqidi himself is questionable, but I can’t find a free English translation.

Muhammad and the Origins of Islam* by F.E. Peters (borrow) is a decent summary of the story, if you don’t feel like reading a sira. The book mostly just quotes from Islamic texts. But at only 300 pages, around a third of which is more about Middle Eastern history around the 7th century, it’s a pretty easy read. 

There’s also al-Tabari’s 40-book-long history series (pdfs here), which covers like… everything up to the 9th century. You obviously aren’t gonna read this whole-ass thing but it’s useful as a reference if you wanna check up on a particular topic. I’ve read multiple volumes of this and I didn’t find them hard to read at all, they’re surprisingly short.

If you’re looking for a recent English-language biography of Mohammed and his followers, well. The truth is that there are very few decent English-language books on this topic, and by Allah, some are absolutely cancerous. I’d strongly suggest staying away from: 1) anything written by someone who is not a scholar of Islam, Arabic, or Middle Eastern history in general, 2) older ones written by Orientalists, especially the white guys who were in the habit of dressing in thobes, and 3) works written by Saudi or Qatari-funded scholars (who tend to work at places helpfully named after their benefactors). Also, pls do not read anything that begins a discussion of goddamn 7th century Arabia with “ever since 9/11…”.

Look for something fairly recent (like… since the 90s, maybe) written by a credible scholar of Islam whose work is favorably reviewed by his or her peers. And be aware that no book is going to get it 100% right because of the limitations I mentioned. I think this short article (pdf) summarizes what you should expect going into any of these works.

Since I don’t really like any of them, I can’t recommend any, but I can at least point you in the right direction, hopefully...

In my experience, single-topic articles (that you can read using scihub 👀) are way better and more informative than any books on the topic. I dunno why, but I think it’s just because each individual topic requires so much specialized knowledge that no one can write about the entire era convincingly. I’d be happy to suggest some articles on any particular subject you’re curious about.

If you want some scholarly “analysis” of early Islamic history:

Analysing Muslim Traditions by Harald Motzki (pdf here) presents a convincing argument against people who reject the ahadith because they see them as completely unreliable. The book is basically a defense of “the science of ahadith” created by scholars in the 9th/10th centuries. Not all ahadith are “real” in the sense that they can be plausibly traced back to Mo & Crew–but it’s pretty clear that many of them can be.

Islamic Historiography* by Chase F. Robinson (pdf here) isn’t about whether some parts of Islamic history are true or not–it’s more of a look at the development of Islamic historians and how they built upon the very early ahadith. Short and an easy read.

Arabic Historical Thought in the Classical Period by Tarif Khalidi is somewhat similar, but touches more on specific authors in a specific period. Khalidi is a big name in Arab Islamic studies, and a lot of his work is pretty decent, though I’ve noticed it’s kinda hard to find some of his books in libraries.

Sectarianism!!!

The Caliph and the Heretic, Ibn Sabaʾ and the Origins of Shīʿism by Sean W. Anthony (pdf here). This is a subject that I’ve been weirdly fascinated by for whatever reason. The guy it’s named after has long been accused of being one of the “ghulat”, meaning people who took Ali to be a divine figure in blatant violation of Islamic doctrine. (A book that goes into more depth on “ghulat” sects is Ghulat Sects by Matti Moosa, pdf here. The “extremist” subtitle means their religious beliefs, not terrorism.) A lot of legends and myths have popped up with respect to this guy and his place in Islamic history, and the author tries to disentangle all the stories and find the root of it all to find an actual basis for early Shiism, without the hateful propaganda that’s clouded it. Really good.

A more general overview of Shia history is Shi’ism by Heinz Halm.

The Heirs of Muhammad* by Barnaby Rogerson (borrow) is a very, very basic overview of the political clusterfuck of the Rashidun era. It’s not super scholarly and leaves out a lot of details, but if you don’t know anything about the topic, give it a try.

The Succession to Muhammad: A Study of the Early Caliphate by Wilferd Madelung (pdf here) is essentially a book about the title’s topic from a Shia perspective, or at least from an Abbasid perspective. It’s very… credulous, in the sense that it doesn’t question the sources, but it’s good if you want to know one side of the story. The Umayyads, and to a lesser extent Abu Bakr & Crew, are the bad guys here. Full disclosure: the author works at a place funded by the Aga Khan (Ismaili Shia leader).

The Ismailis by Farhad Daftary (pdf here) is an absolutely gigantic book that I would not recommend for beginners, but if you happen to be curious about the Ismailis–this is a historically important Shia group distinct from Iranians et al, who are from another sect called Imamiyya or “Twelvers”–here you go.

The Birth of the Prophet Muhammad by Marion Holmes Katz (pdf here). This is a single-topic book about Sunni (including Sufi) mythology surrounding Mohammed and his life. I’m not talking history here, but outright mythological elements, like Mo’s dad being glowy. This is semi-topical re: the crazies who blow people up for celebrating Mohammed’s birthday, but is also useful in understanding the process by which Islamic theology built Mohammed into a hell of a lot more than “just a man”. Slightly more specialized than the other books here, but I included it because I don’t think it’s so academic that you’ll be lost and confused while reading it.

Here are some basic overviews of the Umayyad and early Abbasid eras, which is when 90% of what we think of as “Islam” was crystallized:

Again, al-Tabari’s history series is really useful for these eras. The Expeditions and Ibn Ishaq’s sira also touch on some of this stuff. Don’t discount the classics! The only thing to remember is that all of these were written after the Abbasids overthrew the Umayyads, so obviously they have a certain angle to them. But they’re still useful.

The New Cambridge History of Islam (pdf here). A great, six-volume-long series of articles on a huge variety of topics of early Islamic history. Look through the tables of contents and pick an article that seems interesting, and give it a shot.

The Encyclopedia of Islam* (a tad outdated in places, but still great overall) covers this era and…. like, basically everything. It’s huge. I got all my pdfs of it from Tehran University’s site here, idk why that’s the only place where I can find it. The glorious Islamic Republic doesn’t gaf about copyright laws I guess. There’s also an Encyclopedia of the Quran (pdfs here), but that’s more for religious matters than historical stuff.

The First Dynasty of Islam: The Umayyad Caliphate* by G.R. Hawting (pdf here) is, imo, a very dry and scholarly book. But if you need an overview, it’s useful. It’s also only like 150 pages so it shouldn’t be too hard to get through.

Black Banners from the East: The Establishment of the Abbasid State by Moshe Sharon is an account of the Abbasid revolution and everything that led up to that moment.

Inquisition in Early Islam: The Competition for Political and Religious Authority in the Abbasid Empire by John Turner. I really wish I had a pdf for this one, but I don’t. This is probably more suited for someone raised Muslim or at least someone who already knows a bit about Islamic history–if you’ve heard of Imam Ahmad’s trial before the caliph al-Mamun, you’re good–but it’s a good look at how religious authority was handled by the early Abbasid leaders.

The Canonization of Islamic Law by Ahmed El Shamsy (pdf here). Oh boy, if you don’t really enjoy the legal side of Islam, this one will bore you to tears. Regrettably this topic is extremely important for understanding Islamic history, so try to power through it.

For some other Islamic empires, here are three books about al-Andalus, two of which I’ve already recced:

Kingdoms of Faith: A New History of Islamic Spain* by Brian Catlos. This one focuses more on the religious communities themselves, the relationships between them, and the conflicts within them.

Muslim Spain and Portugal: A Political History of Al-Andalus* by Hugh Kennedy. Kennedy has written a lot of books, and for me they’re very hit-or-miss. His style can sometimes be dry, and at other times he glosses over important details. But this one’s good. It’s…. well, it’s what it says it is, a political history. If you want intrigue and drama, here you go.

Philosophers Sufis & Caliphs by Ali Humayun Akhtar (pdf here). This is more about Islamic scholars in Andalus and focuses on their interaction with and responses to Fatimid (Ismaili Shia) ideology. A lot of texts on Andalus frame it as part of a European context (as in, devoting a lot of space to Christians), but this one puts it more in the context of the wider Arab world, which is helpful.

Ottomans!!!!

Osman’s Dream* by Caroline Finkel (pdf here) is a great and really in-depth summary of centuries of Ottoman history. It covers over 600 years, so forgive the length and take it one chapter at a time.

The late Halil Inalcik was a master of producing really good, in-depth books about Ottoman history with the driest titles you could possibly imagine. I’m pretty sure he is (or… was) one of the top Turkish experts on the subject, so any of his stuff is worth a look. The one I read was The Ottoman Empire: The Classical Age 1300-1600*. But if you can find any of his stuff at your library, you might wanna check it out.

Three books from Roger Crowley touching on the Crusades era, in order: City of Fortune: How Venice Won and Lost a Naval Empire*, 1453: The Holy War for Constantinople* (borrow here), and Empires of the Sea: The Final Battle for the Mediterranean* (yes the first one is mostly about the Italian city-states but there is plenty of Turkish nonsense too). I’ve recced these before but they’re great. There’s also an interlude about Acre called The Accursed Tower, which is likewise excellent.

Before Homosexuality in the Arab-Islamic World, 1500-1800 by Khaled El-Rouayheb. Well… not all of it is about the Ottomans, but a large portion of it is. Don’t be put off by the title–it doesn’t mean that gay sex didn’t exist before the year 1801. I don’t agree with all the author’s conclusions, but the sources he’s collected are still useful. Everything you could possibly want to know about pederasty is contained within, enjoy.

“Roxolana: The Greatest Empress of the East”*. This is an article, not a book, but it’s a brief summary of the Eastern European slave girl who used her body and mind to worm her way into the highest echelons Ottoman politics.  I’ll write about this whole weird era someday.

The Ottoman Age of Exploration (pdf here) by Giancarlo Casale is the story of how the Ottomans tried and almost succeeded in getting in on the whole Asia imperialism thing. (Despite this occurring during the Ottoman heyday, you hardly ever hear them mentioned in discussions about it.) It begins with a man named Selim the Grim. If that doesn’t sell you on it, what will?

There is ALSO an Ottoman history podcast (+articles) although tbh the earlier seasons were better and more, uh, Ottoman-focused. It’s kinda more a Muslim history podcast now. It descends into academic jargon and glorification at times but there are still some gems to be found there.

Some of the important Shia dynasties:

Converting Persia: Religion and Power in the Safavid Empire by Rula Jurdi Abisaab (pdf here). Iran became Shia under the Safavids, which is… kind of important, for modern-day issues! So you might wanna read about it! Because this happened in the 16th century, there’s also a lot about geopolitics between them and the Ottomans, interactions with Asian and European nations, etc.

The Fatimids were a hugely important Ismaili dynasty that ruled large swaths of land, including Egypt, during ye olde “golden age” that they’ve been largely erased from. There are, unfortunately, very few decent overviews of the caliphate, but there are some nice “character studies” (for lack of a better word) so I’d suggest reading articles about them instead. There are some collections of essays, including a long series called Egypt and Syria in the Fatimid, Ayyubid and Mamluk Eras.

Maghrebi topics:

Black Morocco: A History of Slavery, Race, and Islam* by Chouki El Hamel is a recent book about a tragically underexplored topic, namely Black slaves in Arab countries (which is usually dismissed with “slavery wasn’t about race!!!”). This covers mostly the early modern era (~1600s-1800s) of Morocco.

A History of the Maghrib in the Islamic Period by Jamil M. Abun-Nasr. This is a 20th century book that’s kinda written in the style of an old Arab history book, but it’s still good. There’s a lot goin on in the Maghreb and keeping track of all the tribes and their loyalties is very difficult, so a basic primer like this is very useful.

Some miscellaneous dynasties:

The Empire of the Steppes* by René Grousset (borrow) is only, like, half about any sort of Islamic dynasty (Timurlane and the Timurids), but the early Mongols are part of Islamic history by virtue of killing lots of people, so! Might be worth a read. It’s an old-fashioned book, but it’s an intro to the subject.

The Millennial Sovereign: Sacred Kingship and Sainthood in Islam (pdf here) by Azfar Moin. I’m sure this is noticeable, but I know about 1) Arabs, 2) Turks, 3) Persians, and 4) Amazigh people, in that order. India is kinda beyond my wheelhouse, but I’m trying to learn more. This one was a good start and covers topics that you’ve probably heard of before (the Mughal Empire and the emperor Akbar) in great depth. It covers Iran and the Timurids too, but most of it is about India.

The Seljuks are another one where I’ve just been really unimpressed with the books I’ve leafed through tbh. The only one I’ve enjoyed and actually read through to the end was The Great Seljuqs: A History by Osman Aziz Basan, so if you can find that, go for it.

Books specifically focusing on women:

Women and Gender in Islam: Historical Roots of a Modern Debate* by Leila Ahmed (borrow). This is a Hot Topique as many of you know, and if you search for Islam+women you are likely to receive a bunch of bullshit in return. But Leila Ahmed has been covering this subject for decades and her book is about as in-depth and “fair” as you can get.

Concubines and Courtesans: Women and Slavery in Islamic History*. Hey, wanna hear something fucked up? Many if not most of the notable Muslim women throughout history were sex slaves. Some were used purely for sex, others for entertainment, others as the mothers of their masters’ heirs. A few slaves managed to manipulate or charm their way to political power, and they’re some of the most powerful “Muslim” women in history. This messy topic is explored in a series of essays in this book.

Marriage and Slavery in Early Islam* by Kecia Ali (pdf here). This approaches the same topic as the above from more of a religious perspective rather than a historical survey. It traces the development of religious opinions and justifications for slavery, the “proper” treatment of women, the differences or lack thereof in the ultimate status of a freed woman vs a slave woman, etc.

That is…………. a lot!!! But I do think that all of them taken together are a pretty solid basis for understanding the first…. I dunno, 1000 years or so? of Islamic history. I think most of them are accessible for someone with zero or very little knowledge about any of these subjects, though some are denser than others. I put asterisks on the one that I’m pretty sure you’ll be able to get through, no matter how little you know about the topic.

Also, I know you said no Quran or ahadith but… ur gonna be real-ass confused about many things if you don’t at least know a little about them tbh. If you’re ever in the mood for it, there are a bunch of tafsirs online (Ibn Kathir’s famous one is here) and I have @quranreadalong for this exact purpose so pls enjoy!

If anyone wants more recs about any specific topic, hit me up! I got literally hundreds of books on my bookshelf.

[isabelslightwoodsss]

Could you tell me about your new oc Joanna?

Ok so this is gonna be hella long tho. Under the cut are spoilers so if you don’t wanna know, don’t read it. Her faceclaim is Phoebe Tonkin!

Joanna Michaels is a S.H.I.E.L.D Agent with a high ranking but nobody truly know her story which lead to a lot of rumors. Joanna is truly one of the best and is really devoted to her job. Like, she had basically zero life because she’s living for it. Joanna pretty much want to help and protect and using her abilities for good, althought she can uses nasty/dirty/bad way to get her way. Jo’s very loyal to her friends and her ideals which can be hard cause she’s hella stubborn. Joanna is also overconfident and guarded to people. You can’t make her talk unless you can her trust or even when you do, you’ve fifty percent of chances to not having an answer. Joanna’s mentor is Nick Fury, kinda. He was one of the first to believe in her enough to shake her up. Basically, he’s the only one who tell Jo straight to her that she did some shits without being royally ignored. She believes in Fury more than anyone so his disappearance is kinda shaking her. Tony’s also one of his friend and they’re very alike althought Jo’s way wiser in some way. Tony trust Joanna and believes in her judgment cause he feels like she’s always been more altruist than him (which she don’t believe). Most of people are ?? in front of them cause she looks like a kiddo compared to him amd yet he actually listen to her??? Joanna’s other main relationship is with another ocs although not all details are decided. Sharon and Joanna are basically a bombass duo. Sharon is more a follower of the rules whereas Jo doesn’t mind to not follow all of them when necessary. Sharon stop Joanna’s stupid decision on mission (cause in the rush, Jo’s basically can act like a Tony tho) whereas Sharon is pushed by Joanna to take some independence. They’re like sisters, having each other back, and Sharon is actually the one who know Jo’s by heart and a strong support system. They’re basically besties as well partner. Joanna and Clint also are close. Both of them are sarcastic, sassy and a little bit stubborn so they’re like cat and dog. They bicker all the time but push the other to be better out of competition. Apart from Sharon (they’re rarely go to mission together in fact), Joanna is Clint’s partner since Natasha mostly go alone. They’re very strong together and efficient which is why SHIELD forgot about the damage they did. In the end of the die, Joanna and Clint are a duo, althought they don’t talk about everything, they trust each other and know they can count on each other. (She knows about the Bartons family and Clint gave her daughter the middle name of Joanna after she saved him from an ennemy allowing him to see his daughter at the hospital). Then there Steve Rogers which is little bit more complicated as well her family (more under the cut).

As for her love interest, I thought of Bucky cause I love him but also Joanna knows what it is to be in War, to risk her life. I think that she might suffer from PTSD (maybe after one of the Avengers, idk yet) so she get him. Joanna has this warm and relentless side for people she loves where she can offers them everything she had. I think that Bucky need that kind relationship where he’a got support and love but no pressure. Bucky could be the kind of guy to support Joanna, to help her to carry the weight on her shoulders but also how to deal with grief. Their relationship would have a rocky start but with CA:CW, they’ll start to see each other in another light. I also thought Joanna/Sam as a pairing. Joanna can be very pressured and tensed, as if she carried the world on her shoulder. Jo’s practically never rest for a very specific reason, Sam could honestly be amazed by how badass Joanna is but also his loyalty and faith in her belief. Sam could help her to loose a little, accept that she can’t do everything alone and be a support system/partner she wanted. They’d be the kind of couple to jokes around, goofing and being dork to help each other to loose a little. But they would also be confident and trustworthy of each other. (I’m biased cause I love Sam Wilson). Then there’s Thor but it would be a guilty pleasure tho.

Younger, Joanna already had abilities such as high stamina, agility, strength a little bit enhanced but scientist did other experiences which lead her to have new abilities. Joanna first star in the first Avengers as a member but also to check on different people since she knew few of them and how to deal with them. Like, Nick wants her to be the Glue tbh.

Now the spoilers! Joanna’s real name is Joanna Michaela Sarah Carter and later Rogers and she’s the daughter to Steve and Peggy. Her mother used to call her Joanie or Mica, her dad will call Jo, Joan or even Joanie. Stark, Clint and Sharon calls her Joey/Jo (little headcanon tbh) She inherited her middle name from her uncle, Michael and third name for Steve’s Mom.

Joanna was born months after Steve crashed and it was hard at first but soon enough accepted it. Joanna always admired her mom and the latter always told who her real father was. But she kept it secret cause her mother asked it (only SHIELD and Stark family knew it). She was raised by her Mom who taught her how to fight, her legacy, the SHIELD and her ideals but also her step-father who were pretty cool with her tbh. Like, he legit taught her a bunch of things and always supported even when she wanted to be in the SHIELD. Jo also have brothers she loves, kept her secret even now and they just loves each other more than anything (even if they’re old now). Joanna was practically trained all her life to be in SHIELD so when she was 21, Jo took her chances but it wasn’t easy at first. Either people would suck her boots because of her lineage or on the contrary being rude/unfair (especially from men/mysoginist) so when she had the chance, she participated in an unauthorised experience with a bunch of Agent. Thanks to her biology, she survives as well another on and became enhanced. At first, ppl weren’t happy but when they saw the benefit, they accepted Joanna fully but she always had a pressure/weight of legacy on her shoulders. But it didn’t meant she tried to be perfect, she tried her best but always noticed the eyes. So over the years, she created another person. Joanna Michaels, a regular Agent and Nick helped to hide the evidence.

Joanna and Peggy have this incredible bond tbh. Peggy always been proud of Joanna and the women she came to be. She knew she did well, she didn’t raised a perfect soldier but a woman ready to fight for those she loves. You’ll never find someone loving and admiring Peggy than Joanna Michael Sarah Carter and isn’t afraid to show it. So when Peggy developed Alzheimer, Joanna felt like she lost her mother and hated to see her like this. Peggy even forgot about Joanna sometimes, or Steve’s sacrifices or her sons which made Joanna sick cause she felt like Peggy Carter died and was lost. Her real death totally shake her up and Joanna loose it and channeling everything into chasing Zemo.

Joanna and Steve are also a piece of cake. All her life, Joanna admired Steve, she heard all those stories and he was basically a Knight for her. It was odd and it was surreal for her to know that Steve was her Dad. Steve never thought of having a child, and she knew it. So when he emerged, Joanna didn’t told him the truth and instead tried to distance herself for a lot of reasons. 1) She was afraid he didn’t want. He had a lot to assimilate, and having a kid — a grown kid — never were in his plans so ave was afraid of rejection. 2) She was afraid it would a disrespect of her adoptive father. 3) She was afraid to be disappointed. But when he learnt it, Steve is shaken, shocked and amazed by Joanna cause he could see Peggy in her but also himself. Honestly, they just have a natural relationship where they’re start learn about each other, getting closer and bonding. In the end, Joanna felt herself lucky because she had the chance to have two amazing fathers and that people she knew started to die so she should take every chances to not be alone/having a family. At the end, Steve had father instinct to her wanting to protect her, he love(d)s her more than anything and trust her more than anybody. They have these healthy relationship where they believed in each other, respect boundaries, wants to protect each but step up when the other is in real danger. Joanna and Steve’s pretty much aren’t afraid to call each other or disagree but still respect each other (and ofc, still oves each other)

[thefudge]

not here to convert you or anything but i'm kinda surprised u hate j*nsa as much as you do - or at least find it bland as hell - do u hate all aspects of it or would you ship it at a certain angle, if approached a certain way? again, not tryina convert you lmaoo ship & let ship, it's not monogamy in this trash world. I just thought the incest would be up your ally? Also a lot of the fic can be so...missionary so idk, I thought that's why it holds no appeal? words not working rn. just confused

(same j*nsa anon here) alternatively do you ship robb x sansa? sorry, but you’re pretty much the incest lady to me. LOOK - is it because you’re too diehard petyr x sansa to fuck with the rest? Because I’m petyr x sansa trash as well, I contain multitudes. I JUST WANNA HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS, BECAUSE AGAIN, YOU’RE THE INCEST LADY SO I JUST WANNA KNOW IF IT’S THE SHIP THAT BORES YOU OR FANDOM. UR THOUGHTS ARE ALWAYS FASCINATING. I JUST LIKE READING WHATEVER IT IS YOU COME UP WITH. IF YOU DON’T MIND

“you’re the incest lady” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

haha friend, that’s why subjectivity is so wonderful (love that walt whitman quote), but let me break it down for you

you’re absolutely right that j*onsa should be up my alley. but there are several reasons why it hasn’t had that impact on me

1. petyr/sansa is the first ship that got me into asoiaf/got and it has stuck with me throughout the ages. it really is my kind of dynamic, no doubt about it, especially due to aidan gillen’s really strong work and the fact that petyr baelish is, without exaggeration, one of the best literary characters of the last 30 years (imo). and he brings out the best in sansa. by “best” i don’t mean moral rectitude lol. sansa really comes into her own around him. is he taking advantage of her ? absolutely. is she taking advantage of him? she’s learning how to. it’s a smart, riveting duo that doesn’t even have to be romantic for me to love it. in fact, i prefer it when it is cerebral and manipulative with a small dash of genuine emotions. 

but i AM a big multishipper who likes aaall kinds of things so why can’t i get behind this? 

2. my big gripe is with the show, where j*onsa has been introduced as a dynamic (i DO see book signs that they will be reunited but it’s not a Thing there yet).  basically, GoT has done a very poor job with them. sansa stark has stopped being a legitimate and full-rounded character since season 4. and her characterization really took a nosedive in the past two seasons, which - you guessed it - is when she reconnects with her brother, jon. FIRST of all, they had sansa apologize to him as if she had taunted him all his life, as if she had been the big bully of his youth. MASSIVE EYE-ROLL. it’s as if the writers didn’t know how to make them bond after such a long time. ohhh i don’t know, how about jon remembering those times in their childhood when sansa taught him how to talk to ladies which is a CANONIC event??? they could’ve shared a drink and laughed about his poor manners and sansa could’ve said that he had certainly “improved”. and maybe she could’ve added “i wish i had known you better”, to which he could’ve said “so do i.” SEE. see how easy that was without devaluing the characters!!! Secondly, they don’t show them talking about legitimate, important, intimate things. for fuck’s sake, i’m sure jon would like to know what happened in king’s landing and the eyrie etc. their lack of communication is why he doesn’t really listen to her advice, no? most of their show!conversations are about jon’s shallow man-pain or the glories of house stark. sansa is suddenly consumed with legacy and house-rights. and jon isn’t. and instead of talking about it, instead of asking sansa why she’s hellbent on this mission and maybe having a heart-to-heart about family and trauma…instead of ALL that, they just sort of mumble at each other and become increasingly frustrated with each other’s actions…AND OK, you’re gonna say, maybe that was the point, for them to butt heads and clash BUT

3.the show is afraid to explore their actual feelings/frustrations. sansa will sometimes be angry at him and jon will retaliate, and just when you think things are going somewhere…they both sort of shut up and fold back. the same pattern is obvious during their “affectionate” moments. it’s like they’re both holding back, either due to poor direction or poor writing, or both. the best scene so far still remains their initial hug. 

4. jon snow has also become a sham of a character on the show, and it’s hard to enjoy him with sansa when i can’t stand the way he’s written. it feels like he has been stripped of nuance and personality. so in one scene he chokes littlefinger because he’s being “protective” (possessive) of sansa….then that…just gets dropped. he receives information arya and bran are alive and is…stone-faced about it. like he’s super chill, not really affected by anything. the real jon would’ve fucking flipped, he would’ve tried to see them. and don’t tell me all of this is gonna be picked up in the 6 episodes of the last season…because i have lost all faith in d&d. 

5. i do understand why ppl ship it and i do see book-evidence for it possibly being a stealth endgame but the books haven’t butchered the characters and will surely get there more organically? the show had EVERY opportunity to convince me this dynamic was gold and wasted so much of it, imo. . i’m sure fanfics do a better job with it, but i just…every time they’re on screen it’s so wooden, and i’m certain it’s because they’re being directed by idiots. i’m sure sophie and kit want to show more feelings and act like actual human beings but i assume they’re not allowed. just like sophie and maisie were not allowed to act like sisters. 

6. their partnership ends up devaluing sansa. which annoys me. real jon would absolutely never. hell, real jon would spit on show!jon IM SORRY IT’S TRUE. that’s what’s actually really annoying about it. it could’ve been done so well but….for me it ended up being a bland mess. i’m sure that fics and fandoms elevate it, tho. 

7. even my beloved petyr/sansa has been cheapened by the show to some degree, so you can see why other ships take even harder falls

OKAY BUT robb/sansa u’ve got my attention!!! that would be so fraught! because they’re both tully kids, deep down. aaah. 

and honestly, i could be for book!j*onsa too, if it were written well. but show!j*onsa is a goddamn mess. the show is a goddamn mess. 

[survivor-kuwait]

Episode 11 - “i am the balrog elder gay” - Kait

i am the balrog elder gay 

Losing Chloe BROKE ME. listning to Bye Bye mariah carey and crying!!! this is for the people who just lost somebody... SHOOT. I wanted her to blurt out more of her votes in tribe chats. RIP. a fallen Goddess...

SWEET BABY JESUS I GET A SECOND LIFE IN THIS GAME!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! OMG I LOVE THE LAGOON RN! BUT HOPEFULLY I CAN MAKE IT TO THE POINT WHERE I CAN RETURN BECAUSE I HAVE A FEW PEOPLE TO STRIKE BACK AT.

I’m so dumb, completely missed the voting deadline, in my defense i was teaching, but still. Never again, its merge (maybe) and im not gonna jeopardise my game like that.

I'm glad we merged but two people are returning to the game? This has been the most cracked game I have ever played.

Renee and Chips have a chance to return. Between the both I hope Renee comes back. She was an ally for me and most probably work together again.

Go rennee!

---

boo chips

MERGEMERGEMERGEMERGE!!!! glad my zodiac sign is known for being loyal cause I sure ain’t. 

This challenge is always weird but i think if people tell me the truth i may have cancelled out some of my stuff im getting. M&M&M are good standings hopefully. I also trust kait thomas and timmy. Hopefully i can make itndeep in the game.

---

This challenge was a total meh i guess this works. Hopefully i win immunity. If not hopefully im not a target. My relationship with Madison may be rocky right now cuz i blindsided her tribe friend in another game. So im kinda nervous. Hopefully she doesnt pass it her vengence here and tries to take me out.  Im slightly worried a but for this tc.

This merge is a little different from my norm game, I usually have 2-4 alliance chats going but I don't have a single one so far this game.  All my deals have been side deals so far, I do not know if that is a good or bad thing as of this moment in time.  Corey did fill me in that there was an alliance being formed that included him, at least it's indicative of him wanting "The Bull and the Lion" to continue to work. I am also way to mentally drained to give a damn, I just needed to make a confessional to not strike. I worked for 14 hours today but I made 325 dollars and now only owe 4k on my student loans.  Thassss a win in my book even if I get voted out, I'm just gonna drink some beer, hold Jenifer and go to bed.  Good night Moon.

THANK GOD I WON IMMUNITY. You have no idea how good it feels to not have to stress out too much this round. Considering there are 14 of us, really anything could happen, but it's great to know that I will make it through at least one more round. The only key here is just making sure that I stay on the right side of the numbers. The line will most likely be drawn in the sand, so it's important that I stay on the right side of it. So far, I think the people that trust me the most are Ian, Corey, and Matt. I talk to them the most out of everyone, and I do trust them all to an extent, Corey and Ian the most. I would love to find a way to get all three of them on the same page, but I know that will be a heard feat. Next in line would probably be Maynor, Madison, and Kait. I talk to these three a good amount, but for some reason I am having a hard time putting my full faith into them. I talk to Owen a good amount too, but he is a MAJOR threat, and someone that I do not want to be in the game for too much longer if I'm going to have a chance to win. For this round, in an ideal world, Thomas would go home. But that seems too easy. I am hoping someone starts throwing names around, but if not, I guess it will have to be me.

WHY DOES MATT HATE ME SO MUCH?!?!  I genuinely wanted to work with him after first impressions, I bet he was the one who voted Taurus now.  My idol now has a name attached to it, so thanks for that Matt.  In a way, I guess you did end up working with me in some fashion.  Ideally this round goes down with a clear majority on Stephan and Corey can get his save a vote activated and I play the slow burn on good ole Matteo, I wanted to butt heads with Owen at merge, but Owen has been a delight while Matteo has been nothing but a thorn in my side.  

Phew child this merge! 14 people is so so so many and I did in fact vote out Adrian and Chloe, both people who I’ve worked with. I’m left in a really interesting spot because of the warzones it’s still hard to see who has a pattern of voting together. I feel that I’ve positioned myself to be in a lot of threesomes, and hopefully nobody really catches on to that? I know Kait is my number one currently and I have trust with Madison and Devon and Corey. But I’m also fully aware that everyone is a huge threat, and I have to downplay myself as one as well. Hopefully a stepehen vote will provide me with good positioning, as we’re removing someone I personally can’t reallt work with, and lessening the numbers. I also wanna really work with chips but I’m sure everyone was chomping at that bit! Who doesn’t want a bite of chips!

I wish I could put an image in this form bc the joke I’m about to make is so funny Anyways lol I told Kait about the idol I felt like I had to or else I’d break her trust if I ever used it. But THEN LOL SHE TOLD ME THAT matt also has one LMAO THAY HE NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT!!!! So that meme I linked above is literally me and matt with our idols Here’s my prob tho I like l.... I have to tell matt bc he knows I guess the coordinate. So I guess that’s a thing that’ll happen

Finally have an alliance chat with Kait and Owen...it’s been so many rounds in the making tbh, it just needed to actually be made. I feel safer having that as well as us going to make one with Matt and Maynor as well, making sure that Matt is okay with it...Maynor already seems to be on board. The only name that’s been going around is Stephen so that kind of sucks because I wanted to work with him, but he isn’t around enough to try and rock the boat for in this game unfortunately. 

I found a hidden immunity idol which is awesome! Also, everyone has been silent this round after we decided on Stephen so that’s a bit suspicious 

This is a really hard round because I really like everyone. If any good came from it, it's that I solidified myself into a strong alliance that should be able to keep me safe for at least a few rounds. Corey did not seem to bite on my idea to vote out Owen. Matt says he is most threatened by Ian and Timmy. And everyone just seems to want to vote Stephen. I think this round will be pretty easy, but from this point on it just gets harder. I assume that Chips is in a bad spot and most likely will go next. But at final 12, it's going to be a doozy to see who can stay on top of the vote.

So thisrounf there is an alliance of 6 however I have 0 faith in Thomas. He is a wild card and will be hard to judge and work with. No idea what’s going to happen tonight. 

Aight a lot happening this merge!!! Fourteen people we losin our minds. First of all let me say half these ppl were kinda boring to talk to but I’m liking it a little better today. I came in wanting Stephen GONE because I lied to him during the taylor vote and we haven’t clicked since and I promised I would get out whoever lied to me in this food challenge and his bitch ass didn’t submit so I didn’t get my perfect ZERO!!!! So I was all ready to press him but suddenly Devon had already thrown out his name! Easy as pie. I rlly trust Kait and her and corey get along. I was branching out to some others too like madison is bae, Devon is fun, I like talking to Ian. My FAVORITE is Maynor I rlly like him but I’m scared matt has a hold on him. Anyways I helped set up some alliances today that I hope are solid. One is me Kait madison corey and then they wanted to add Devon and tommy which is cool. Still kinda pressed at Thomas because yesterday I said ily to him and he replied with lol but other than that it’s a good group. But then suddenly Timmy wanted something with Kait and I so I took that as an opportunity to solidify something with Maynor! Precious angel. Kait and I are worried because the tension between corey and matt lmao which is honestly kinda stupid. Matt was sus about corey after he spearheaded the renee vote which like I understand. And I stirrred the pot a little because I told corey that matt was after him lmao. But for now I’m rlly working hard to keep them from targeting each other and so is Kait. Idk how long that can last tho. Ummmm trace’s THOT HOE ASS told corey he wanted me out?!!! So he gotta GO! And Kait and matt think Ian is dangerous which I’m like ok maybe..., sure. Ummm Cullan is just mind boggling. He ate tater tots for breakfast who does that. But he’s sweet I guess. Id prefer him and Ian and trace gone soon but corey likes all those people oop. I rlly think Kait wants to stick with going to the end with me and matt which like.... I rlly will keep allegiance to Kait but matt? Idk. He kept his idol secret from me and it’s clear he doesn’t trust me as much which is fine, I wasbsure Stephen would target me tonight but apparently now he’s going for Thomas. Hopefully it’s an easy vote and Stephen goes and I get what I want and next round I’ll figure out what to do when it gets harder

Well. Tonight the vote is Stephen. Well, for the majority of us. For little young me, I will be voting for nobody! We acquiring a save vote. Hopefully, at our next tribal, Timmy leaves! Woo! I am in 2 alliances: Mighty Happy Meal (Owen, Kait, Madison, Devon, Thomas) and Queer Eye-ish (Madison, Matt, Trace). Period... I am loyal to my own people. Madison, Owen, Ian, Devon. Kait too, to an extent. The rest need to go at their time. I do what I can. Matt is a priority for me to get rid of. Unless Timmy wants Matt gone, I want him gone too for next time. x

Ep 11: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-fEEBtT8R4hk_587qknbxwLmB8yhN_lt/view?usp=drivesdk

This is my placeholder confession for until I am at a computer and able to type something out. I got back in the game!

alyssa said put ep 11: just a quick recap bc i have to play this silly flash game now before i pass out - corey and matt allegedly not liking each other is still a problem - owen found an idol - i told owen matt has an idol bc i have a big mouth - corey told owen all this shit about the vote and idk just other game sensitive stuff and not me and - there's an aliens of trace, matt, madison, and corey that trace allegedly made. this is a big question mark bc either it's just really random and people that trace wants to work with despite what they said or this beef??? between matt and corey is fake which i wouldn't be too surprised by - corey told all of this to owen before tribal but told him that he was going to wait until after tribal to tell me like.... i don't appreciate that. - i think that kind of solidifies that if/when corey v matt happens and i have to pick a side i wanna go with my matt. - im sure i will think of more tomorrow oh also i want ian to get deleted from skype thx

EP 11 Confessional: I got an idol this round which is cool. I heard the vote was stephen however it’s been kinda quiet. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. 

Aight a lot happening this merge!!! Fourteen people we losin our minds. First of all let me say half these ppl were kinda boring to talk to but I’m liking it a little better today. I came in wanting Stephen GONE because I lied to him during the taylor vote and we haven’t clicked since and I promised I would get out whoever lied to me in this food challenge and his bitch ass didn’t submit so I didn’t get my perfect ZERO!!!! So I was all ready to press him but suddenly Devon had already thrown out his name! Easy as pie. I rlly trust Kait and her and corey get along. I was branching out to some others too like madison is bae, Devon is fun, I like talking to Ian. My FAVORITE is Maynor I rlly like him but I’m scared matt has a hold on him. Anyways I helped set up some alliances today that I hope are solid. One is me Kait madison corey and then they wanted to add Devon and tommy which is cool. Still kinda pressed at Thomas because yesterday I said ily to him and he replied with lol but other than that it’s a good group. But then suddenly Timmy wanted something with Kait and I so I took that as an opportunity to solidify something with Maynor! Precious angel. Kait and I are worried because the tension between corey and matt lmao which is honestly kinda stupid. Matt was sus about corey after he spearheaded the renee vote which like I understand. And I stirrred the pot a little because I told corey that matt was after him lmao. But for now I’m rlly working hard to keep them from targeting each other and so is Kait. Idk how long that can last tho. Ummmm trace’s THOT HOE ASS told corey he wanted me out?!!! So he gotta GO! And Kait and matt think Ian is dangerous which I’m like ok maybe..., sure. Ummm Cullan is just mind boggling. He ate tater tots for breakfast who does that. But he’s sweet I guess. Id prefer him and Ian and trace gone soon but corey likes all those people oop. I rlly think Kait wants to stick with going to the end with me and matt which like.... I rlly will keep allegiance to Kait but matt? Idk. He kept his idol secret from me and it’s clear he doesn’t trust me as much which is fine, I wasbsure Stephen would target me tonight but apparently now he’s going for Thomas. Hopefully it’s an easy vote and Stephen goes and I get what I want and next round I’ll figure out what to do when it gets harder

[scvgeisms-blog]

henlo,,, ’m iz and i’m from far up north aka. IKEAland and i’m hella excited ?? like u got NO IDEA i just l u v everything abt this place ok but enough about me lemme tell u about this nerd here ( i haven’t plotted w/ the mun of his siblings tho so imma fill u in on the Back Story later ok good )

ANYWAY he is ya typical aquarius,, rly soft, confusing,, what is emotions,, rly into aliens,,, probs has a fucked up poster of giorgio tsoukalos over his bed (he do)

used to have a stray dog following him named matthew mcconaughey

is rly afraid of losing ppl and got abandonment issues like Y I K E S

if he gets too close then bomb ur not getting away

the type of guy to stay awake with u at 3am and talk about death and how everything sucks 

looks like a cinnamon, is a cinnamon (little bit of a sinnamon roll ok we don’t talk about it)

knows all the enrique iglesias songs by heart

ok he is actually really good at cooking and like,,, has a natural talent for making weird things work 

isn’t,,,, that,,, intellectual (homeboy doesn’t know the multiplication table nor the presidents, but he does know names on spices )

HE TRIES SO HARD 

is the squad mom

horny as fuck IS A SON OF GOD

kinda lost his faith after the breakout ngl,,, 

needs love???????

imma write a full-on-smack bio later ok

[celestialallstars]

Episode #16: “Well, this is the end folks.” - Stephen

I WANT TO QUIT

I AM GOING TO QUIT

MICHAEL DESERVED BETTER HE WAS MY FUCKING F2 AND BEST FRIEND IN THIS GAME AND IM SO FUCKINF MAD I LOVE HIM WITH MY WHOLE HEART HE DESERVES WAY BETTER THAN THIS FUCK THIS CASST SO MUCH I CANT STOP FUCKING CRYING

#FuckChris

FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST FUCK THIS CAST

EITHER IM QUITTING OR IM WINNING OUT OF SPITE WATCH THIS SPACE

Feel like pure shit just want Michael back

Bryce messaging me like “hey bowling ball” SHUT UR FUCKING FACE BRYCE DO NOT START TRYING TO TALK TO ME RN I AM MAD AT YOU

I MADE FINAL FIVE AND I HAVE AN IDOL I LEARNED MY MISTAKES IM MAKING FINAL FOUR I BEAT MY PLACEMENT WOOO I makin sure history dont be repeating doe

Alrighty, I am hoping that one of Chloe or Zach leaves this round. I dont know how the idol is going to go but I think Chloe's the safest bet for us as I still feel Zach could have it. Still, I can't risk a Loris situation so I would prefer it if Stephen won immunity. I do feel bad for him and I just hope he still trusts me even if I lost a little last night. Right now I think if Crystal Clear is the F4 then it could do a lot of good if anyone but Bryce wins it but I hope Stephen is wanting to go to the end still now

So, THAT happened. Chris lied and sided with Bryce and Zach instead of splitting like we planned! Greeaaaaaat.

He says it happened shortly before tribal, but when he told me his reason, he said it was because of Michael attempting to make an F3 deal, which is something that happened the day before.

I did have an interesting chat with Zach where he said me and him are essentially seen as Chris and Bryce's +1's and our chances of winning sitting next to them might be pretty low based on that perception. Obviously I want Bryce out before Chris, but I need to start realistically thinking of cutting Chris at some point. He did go behind my back here and staying blindly loyal despite that just seems foolish. He said he'd use the idol on me this round which is great and all, but if Bryce wins immunity... well... what are my options? Honestly the best case scenario is me or Chris winning immunity just so we can be sure about playing the idol on the one who loses and voting Bryce out.

I hope that bad scenario doesn't have to play out, but let's just say at this point I think Zach and Chloe are my best possible F3. Which is interesting considering I just tried to get Zach out!

It does kinda suck to hear Michael say what he said. I get he was upset but like I dunno. It didnt help but at the same time I don't feel too bad knowing that he made an f3 without me in it. My hope was that it makes the others think more on NOT bringing me to the end so I want to use it to my advantage as much as I can to still win it all if its possible

This vote has been so messy it's ridiculous. I know Chris has the idol and is likely playing it on himself, so I'm trying to get Zach and Chloe to throw their vote on him so me and Chris can decide who goes. I was considering actually voting him out for a bit but I don't think that's feasible without their being an imminent reason for him to use the idol on someone else.

So I told Chloe and Zach the plan, and I told Bryce the plan was Chloe and used idol-fear as my fake reason. Hopefully it's a strong enough justification for him to buy it and just vote for her, but he's immune so he personally has nothing to fear tonight. It's been a hard day and I hope everything pans out as I expect and I'm not on the bad end of all the plans LOL.

im in f4 wooh but no chance at winning i think im gonna be blindsided by zach tonight so thats fun if chris goes im legit over but idk how to fix that i ened to make sure chris votes stephen with me but idt he will

________________________________________________________________

Chloe: How does michael leaving impact the game?

Michael leaving the game probably means it’s a bit more open for people to make moves and shake things up even more which is TERRIFYING. In my eyes Michael had a lot of control over people that was going unnoticed.

go to an optometrist queen

im trying to do stuff but who knows oh well LOL SDGMLKDSGKDSGKDMSKGDSK i want chris out but he probs has idol all i know is unless theres an idol nullifier i be makin f4 tho

________________________________________________________________

Chloe is voted out 2-2-1. She becomes the eighth member of our jury.

Watch Chloe’s exit interview take place below:

________________________________________________________________

Welp! I've survived probably my closest call all game. I wish I could make it to the end while being targeted a bit less but I can settle for this. Anyway, selecting Chloe to be my target ended up being the correct decision, since she was the only person other than me who could be targeted. I'm so close to the end again, and the people still in don't see me as much of a winner threat. I hope they're wrong sksksksksksks

I think winning this immunity challenge and being the reason Bryce goes home could boost my odds quite a bit, but I need to be ready for the possibility of not winning the immunity challenge as well. Still, I have F2 deals with Chris and Zach, so that's another reason to avoid wanting to choose between them here. No reason to make anyone madder than they need to be.

I guess a lot is riding on the last comp and I enjoy it because it does show how it isn't clear cut as far as what will happen next.

ok so results in 2.5 hours and i know im not winning its so sad but its just sth that i have to face. i tried my hardest at endurance but fell alseep. before and after.. i have no brain. counting? literally my least fave thing on orgs the actual anxiety it gives me is unreal. winterbells???? anyways. the puzzle prob the only thign i can do alright at and i just know zach beat me at it too. and like just like my og season i feel like if i dont win i go home.at least there i dont think maynor would have voted me but here i dont have a maynor and i will get 3-1'd even tho i dont think its the right move like ugh this is so sad i rly just wanted to show i deserved my win and my spot on all stars and i cant even win final immunity its so embarrassing why do i even play orgs this will be my last mark my WORDS going out on one of my fave orgs ever will be cute anyway yay wooh haha im so random...

________________________________________________________________

im so sad like im depressed this sucks im gonna get 3-1'd for WHAT why wont zach take me what could i have done differently except be better at immunity like ive had no agency since f9 rhys blindside and its like that has been annoying but it was always with the end goal being yes i may not have gotten to play how i wanted to but at least ill make ftc how cute. but  i dont even get to do that and its like ppl just say i was a shield well i have feelings and i dont like being used as a shield why am i so melodramatic its literally an online game but im just tired of being used and thrown away and so what if ive listened to liability 10 times since i woke up this morning that has nothing to do with me feeling like im a toy that ppl grow bored of.

Its been one heck of a rollercoaster but I have a little faith for this last tribal.  I was sad to have lost the final challenge but I feel it can perhaps help my overall game if Im able to make it to the final three. With that in mind, its time to enact my final plan. While I have openly acknowledged Bryce's threat level to people I sorta was in need of certain things falling into place- Zach winning was the first part even if it would have been nice for Stephen/myself. Now is the part I pretty much spell it out for him that taking Bryce not only equals less jury votes but also could take votes that Zach would have since Bryce is viewed as the stronger of the duo. I basically have to make Zach be fully on board to get out his biggest threat to winning.

________________________________________________________________

As for Bryce, it was nice to play with him but I do hope he is serious about voting Stephen because it then guarantees that not only am I safe but that I can get him out. Alas Justice4Mitch has never died but if I can pull it off after basically convincing Bryce I was not against him while also just painting Zach as a necessary meat shield then I have a chance! I dunno how it would go down with the jury but thats moot until I see "18th person voted out and the final member of the jury...@Bryce"

So I made a bit of a mistake last night. Zach won immunity and I assumed it was pretty clear Bryce was gonna go 3-1 no strings attached, and I told him my reasons for voting him. Bryce isn't giving up though. He came up with a plan with Chris to get Zach to put his vote on Chris, and then the 2 of them vote me out. It's not the craziest idea I've ever heard which is why I think I made a mistake telling Bryce the truth.

Knowing this, I went to Zach and told him everything about this plan. Hopefully it makes Zach too gun-shy to consider voting for Chris and, since I don't think he wants me out that only leaves Bryce as an option. I wish I was immune and had nothing to worry about but here we are! If Bryce can dig himself out of this he'll have a really good shot to win though. And Chris/Zach have to be aware of that.

im livid im depressed and my hair is such a mess.

this is likely my penultimate confessional [that is lengthy] so here we go.

i won immunity. im so happy. I MADE FINAL TRIBAL!! even if i lose, i still made it here, in an allstar season - which is just phenomenal. top 3 out of 21... WOO! and i beat my placement and improved my game (in my subjective opinion) and so i feel like i got what i wanted out of this game. i didn't even need the immunity tbh but.. it's just a relief to have it because it secures my game and allows me a bit more control than the average person at F4.

when it comes to the vote, i think the frontrunners are chris + bryce. i think neither are a cut-and-dry win, but i think they are the two people that the jury is currently praising to a degree. it's also known that those two are on the chopping block for this round, and i believe i'm in a swing vote position (stephen/chris voting bryce, bryce voting chris - i can tie it or send bryce home).

this is where it becomes tricky. i love all these people, especially bryce. he's my best friend and we've been through this game hand in hand. i would love to see him win, and i would prefer him as a victor over stephen/chris (no offence to them, just as personal taste obviously). but, i think he's an obstacle for me come FTC. the jury has perceived me to be his goat (or just a follower of his), and while that's not true (both bryce and i have played briefly separate games and have taken some control at varying points), perception matters a lot. like, it's not reality - but it is critical to who wins this game. so i think i need to do my utmost best to reverse that perception.

my main strategy throughout merge (and i mentioned this in early confessionals) was to highlight bryce as a bigger threat [giving him another challenge win, hyping him up to people, etc.] so that in our inevitably perceived duo, he would be the bigger fish to fry. while at times this failed (ie f8 when I was the target of the split vote), i fixed it by ensuring jared's elimination because he was the person keeping bryce alive and that was awareness!! woo!! but overall, with the whole "shield strategy", it becomes redundant imo if you take that shield to FTC. bryce, as someone who's been consistently targeted (him and i both tbh), if he gets to the end, that becomes so impressive. even if he hasn't made many moves or whatever, it's that underdog-like story that likely ensures him the gold in my eyes. i would love to see him win!! he's the best candidate (on a personal level) to be sandra diaz-twine (though he's being so fat to me right now, as i am to him though). but i feel like my prominent strategy only ever comes into fruition if i eliminate him, and that's where i'm leaning (and he knows that).

while chris could win (or even stephen, i won't exclude him), it's all a risk. if they do, then good game!! but i think ive played to a great standard and have proven myself, and i've shown divergence from bryce and others and while some moves failed, i attempted to be flexible and that in and of itself speaks a lot! woo!! this is a deserving final four imo (higher than average for most final ours). this allstar season has been hectic, every vote being so diverse, so regardless of the final outcome, it's an achievement that us four made it here.

i could be majorly misinterpreting this game as a whole, but who cares. chris and stephen are both great speakers, so it'll be a tossup in that regard, but i just have to do what's best. maybe i vote out chris though. i'm torn, and it's not because of what anyone has said, it's just an internalized conflict that's like... do i vote out my best friend but i think it's smarter or do i vote out another threat and just hope the jury can recognize that i had a stronger game than perceived.

i think i know the answer though. and i hope that when he (BRYCE LKSDGLKSD i love him im on call with him ill link a pic below) goes to jury he can be my cheerleader... bc i lav him. if not i understand. but I HOPE he doesn't hate me remotely seriously because i value our friendship immensely... but i didn't come here to play for second. will i get second (or third)? sure. it's possible. but at least i didn't *play* for it, if that makes sense.

link to bryce on cam suffocating himself with a pillow in response to me potentially voting him out: https://imgur.com/BgFRtsK

that's all. MAYBE I DONT WRITE ANOTHER CONFESSIONAL THIS IS TOO STRESSFUL AND LONG AND MY FINGERS ARE CRAMPING. but that's it. love yawls. mwah.

IM SO DEPRESSED IM GETTING 3-1 HOW DO I HAVE SUCH BAD SOCIAL GAME WHY AM I THE WORST PERSON TO EVER PLAY THE GAME WHATS THE POINT OF PLAY 77 DAYS IF I CANT BE A TWO TIME WINNER I RUIN MY SLEEP SCHEDULE I PUSH THROUGH MY EPISODES OF SADNESS TO TRY TO WIN AND ITS ALL FOR NOTHING BC IM AN UNLIKABLE AND NO ONE WANTS TO SIT NEXT TO ME IN THE END LIKE THATS SO CRAZY ITS INSANE I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LIKE ME https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/613389489154293780/634539770583973888/unknown.png

________________________________________________________________

i thought most betrayed was jared to me but turns out its zach to me

________________________________________________________________

Bryce is voted out 3-1. He becomes the ninth and final member of our jury.

Watch Bryce’s exit interview take place below:

________________________________________________________________

Ahhh I cant believe I made it to FTC. Its pretty surreal to have actually made it after everything's that happened! I am so nervous about FTC because I know a lot of people may not be thrilled to see me and I have to do a lot lf convincing...but this is where I have to try to give everything my all and hope it will work out!

Well, this is the end folks.

My final confessional of All-Stars. Will it be my final Celestial confessional? Who knows. All I know at this point is that my speech is ready and I'm speculating as to what questions I will be asked and what my answers will be. Finally being at the end of an ORG is so surreal but winning this thing after all the nonsense would be so sweet.

Making it to the end with Chris is great too, even if I kinda wish he was just on the jury supporting me. This is our second time playing an ORG together but the first time we played we both went pre-merge, so this really is a big deal for us.

I'm proud of the game I've played though, and I want to make sure that comes across tonight. Even if I ultimately end up losing I won't let myself be called a goat or "just playing for FTC". I came here to win from the very beginning and by the end of the night everyone is going to know that.

I am so nervous for this FTC that I don't think I'll do that good, BUT I'm gonna put on my acting abilities and pretend I am confident and own everything I can! It's do or die and I'm not ready to be six feet under yet!

________________________________________________________________

So I'm very happy with myself when its all said and done! This was such a journey for me in that whether I win or lose I feel satisfied with myself because I had highs and lows and learned things- wishing my fellow finalists the best of luck and huge thank you to the hosts for allowing this to even exist here :)

________________________________________________________________

Zach wins in an 8-1-0 vote!

[choujiro]

ph

so i spent 3 weeks at ph and oh gosh

week one: 

the flight wasnt bad at all tbh i got to watch my kdrama & listen to my favorite music

scratch that was kinda annoying because my brother took a xan & instantly knocked out once we were seated, my mom and a flight attendant got extremely worried because he wasn’t really opening his eyes

i told them he was just really tired

he fuckgin drooled and it smelled

i couldnt sleep for like an hour or two because we saved his dinner but on my tray and it bothered me

incheon airport is so nice omfg !!!!! bought a macaron at a starbucks there & i wish we had that here at u.s

my uncles picked us up from the airport and our younger uncle (20 yrs old) got chubbier and said he got really fat so we were like no ur jst thicc

while we were waiting for my mom to fix her phone he was talking to me about kdramas because he saw the iu photocard on my phone LOL but its really interesting because guys arent really into stuff like that

found out his girlfriend makes him watch kdramas lol

found out the portions at jollibee were wayyy smaller so my uncle told me to buy two of the same food yah huge shock to me

the wifi was incredibly slow; we had to buy this portable wifi in which we bought 1gb of connection for idk 300 pesos??? wow first world problems for sure

my mom, brother & i slept on the same bed & it was just so hot i honestly could not sleep (we couldnt really sleep anywhere else)

the next day my cousins and i walked to our other cousins house & the aircon in her home was just fucgkin AMAZING 

we could not stand the heat tbh it ruined us

we went to the next town over to buy stuff at the market because we found out my uncle had fake gucci slippers

i bought fake nike slippers and some of us got the same along with gucci ones lol

went deeper in the market and found hella fake stuff like fake vans and addidas (i was planning to come back to buy them and when i came back to the market we didnt have time to get them so im really bummed esp since they’re cheap like 200 or 300 pesos only)

went to the local mall the following day & found this really cute shop that resembled h&m, i ended up buying this overall dress & used up 800 pesos out of 1000 & didnt have enough to buy anything else lol

went to the supermarket the following day inside another mall & ended up buying a bunch of snacks in BULK (my cousins bought wine & alcohol, ended up tasting really weird)

bought a LARGE ASS bulky bag of corn chips called bawang na bawang & when my auntie found out i called it “bah-wang” instead of “buh-wang” she kept laughing & told everyone else because apparently im saying town instead of garlic

met my other cousins’ family (they live in the same town, a 2 minute drive basically) and ate good food, talked to their uncle about palawan since we were going there soon

attended our parent’s high school reunion and watched them perform this dance line lol

we werent really interested in their reunion, i mean it wasn’t really for us anyways??

i actually got really sick the day before new years, i had a bad fever & had cold sweat. i told my cousins to move the fan away from me despite the weather being 80+ degrees :-(

i took antibiotics & got better several minutes before the new years hit lol

week two:

got sick to the point where i lost my voice 

went to pagasinan and ate rly good sisig & etc

went to the same supermarket from the one back in my family’s hometown and ended up buying more snacks in bulk

my skin got super worse & im just like fuck it dammit

on jan2 we were supposed to go to palawan but our flight was delayed, we were transferred to a super nice hotel nearby, free of charge of course

got a massage with two of my other cousins for the first time, the lady thought i was korean so they were like “oh !!! korean!!”

i couldnt speak so my manang talked for me lol

gosh the massage was both relaxing and hurtful LOL

i understood the lady speaking to her coworkers as she was massaging me as she said she felt sorry for me because my skin has alot of scars

i didnt mind at all, i felt bad that she had to see it tbh

she told me to turn my body facing the ceiling so i did and omfg she pulled the towel and massaged my ..... armpits and boobs (im so ashamed because i shaved before i left the airport and it grew fast oh my god)

my cousins and i were talking about how our butts hella hurt after they massaged that part because FUK it hella hurt oh my god i have never clenched my buttcheeks so hard in my life

my kuya said he was ticklish there so he let out a giggle

we boarded our flight to palawan the next day and went island hopping right away. i felt really bad because my skin got even worse so it made me uncomfortable & i couldnt talk to anyone so yeah bad time lol

island hopping was nice nevertheless, we couldnt explore the cave because the tides were high

my cousins, brother and mom got a massage at the hotel we were staying after finding out we got one in the other hotel

the masseurs come to the room instead of having a separate room

so i couldnt go to sleep right away since the bed was being occupied smh

we went to a place called bakers hill the next day & it was really nice idk how to say it, it was much of a hill tho. lots of places to take pictures there i guess??? theres only one bakery there and its small, the families bought alot of pastillias and hopia to bring back home, basically we left the store with a box full of sweets

went to bagiuo the day we returned back to our town and went to a place called mines view where we had an amazing view of the hills/mountains

its realllly nice and green and man !!!!! gr8 view

went shopping for gifts at the local market and bought a jacket & two wooden keychains shaped as a small ..... dicc

my brother bought a wooden flute and he really used it throughout the whole trip like he played in the house AND during car rides. i think the good part was that it wasnt annoying at all, he actually knew how to play and did some covered a bunch of songs that made all of us laugh (my cousin recorded it and has the videos on her phone so i cant show everyone here)

we went driving at pengbenga park, but not literally driving. we got to drive these plastic race car things and it was sososo fun!!!! i overtook some kids & adults but mostly kids on the driveway & i crashed like only twice

we were given the choice to use a bike/multi-seater bike, race car, & other stuff but yeah race car boi

ate really bomb waffles and pancakes at this pancake house and LORD !! GOOD AMAZING AAAHH OOOOO

went to a small mall the following day and bought 50 peso facemasks and i spent like 15 dollars worth of them??? idk i just bought hella without counting my money lol

drove to manila few days later and went to a place called greenhills (famous for fake brands like nike and gucci) and my cousins and aunties bought alot of gucci, ray bans, louis vuitton (wallet, belts and bags lmao). went to a store called miniso and it was so packed i wasnt able to look around as much, & i really wanted to go here ;___; it was okay tho

so there are basically two malls in one, one small one with a food court and market with the fake items and a REAL mall; they’re connected by a yard which is partially a church lol (there was a tv outside so we assumed it was a concert of some sort, found out there was a priest praying inside the building along with so many others)

next morning, instead of going to another pancake house we were accidentally taken to a coffee house but honestly, it was the best choice ever

it was so fuckgin AESTHETIC I LOVED IT they decorated the place with flowers and it wasnt like overwhelming full of flowers it was just right and the iced latte?? AMAZING and ugh man i loved ittttttt

we went to a museum after and learned so much about jose rizal and the history of philippines before and during spanish colonization and it was super interesting

darn u white ppl go away

it was really ironic to see white people check out the museum too like.. first u colonize us then u wanna check our museum hm

went to eat after at a place similar to pepper lunch, so basically hot sizzling food

i ordered a sizzling tapa and it was so fuckgin AMAZINg gattdamn ugh i love sisig

we went to the mall after hoping to check out another museum inside the place (an ice cream one) but we found out that it was opened until feb 

anyways we checked out the whole mall and ate some aesthetic looking ice cream which was amazing also

dropped off two of our cousins at the airport since they were only here for two weeks (the rest of us dreaded over the fact that we had one more week left when our trip here was originally 2 weeks)

went back to my familys town at la union and didnt do much

spent two days at baguio, day 1: found a kbbq and ate lunch there, it was only 300 pesos per person so we werent complaining

we went to the mall after and i checked out this store that had really amusing shirts, bags and pouches. i ended up buying a shirt with a bunny that said “bunnies like carrots but not this one. this one chose the jacuzzi” it was so amusing omfg

i bought a pouch that said “lechon is my lifeforce” aka pig and my friends were like “thats really amazing”

we left the mall to buy tea and i didnt have enough because i bought the bunny shirt so my uncle bought a drink for me LOL (i felt so bad tho)

watched netflix the whole time till it was time to sleep

the next day my other cousin was dropped at the house and we went to go out for a different kbbq place, it was much better (500 pesos per person too!)

went to the mall again and watched jumanji

watched black mirror when we came back

left the next day & went back to the mall since it connected to the other large buses to go back to town

week three:

next morning i met a faith healer who looked for the cause of my eczema, she cured my mom the day before because someone had cursed her food (she had stomach cancer several months back but she’s better, she occasionally has stomach problems tho)

one of the amazing things i have heard from her was that when she was cleaning my moms body with a white towel, she squeezed out the remaining water & black sand came out. she says the curse has been removed & that she’ll feel better soon

she looked at my skin and proceeded to put a special oil everywhere and said it mightve been the burning of a dwende outside the house when i was kid (when he was hurt, he probably hurt me too)

the next day she came by again and lathered a special oil again and came to the conclusion that when i visited the house when i was about 4-5 years old, the dwendes decided to play with me (which actually hurt me so)

she said to only have faith and keep praying, virgin mary will come by to heal you in the form of a sudden breeze with a nice scent

i know that alot of people might think this is crazy and all, but since i come from a spiritual family and had actual experience with something like this, its really easy to believe 

it seems like the dwendes dont like modern medicine so everytime i put on my creams or ointments, the healing effect didnt last long

the next and final day, she put on oil once more and concluded that the dwendes have been playing with me since i was a kid so it was the root of my eczema. she had personally asked them to stop yesterday so she said they wont play with me anymore

as she was lathering oil on my skin, she said that i had nice legs and hands, the dwendes had played with me because i was “pintas” or pretty

so that kinda shocked me like me? pretty?? lol

but after that she said i will get better, i need to have faith and pray all the time. once you believe, it will happen (i have great faith in both the faith healer and myself healing, my wounds are slowly closing so im really determined to recover from eczema)

the thing about faith healers is that they DONT ask for money. you could donate, but they dont ask for anything at all. i believe that they heal people in the form of good will

my mom & i gave money and clothes, and soap as a payment for her time and faith healing and im sososo thankful for her

she also did this thing where she could figure out things by putting oil and water in a plate and picking out rice grains and letting them either sink or float in another bowl

3 rice grains had floated while the others sank and she concluded that there was something wrong with me, both spiritually and physically?? i couldnt understand quite well since they were speaking in ilocano

but something along the lines of that, she had called me soul in order to protect me so i can heal. and that kinda boggled me like soul? is that always with you? is my soul somewhere else? why was it that my soul had to be called? so yeah interesting

she also found out that my grandpa had visited (he visited last week too, along with my grandma) and he’s just watching the family in the living room

also odd thing but last week a white butterfly came inside the house while my cousins and i were just doing whatever and it landed on the couch my manang and i were sitting on

my kuya said there was a butterfly behind me and i was like fuk imma move couches cuz i just dont like bugs in general (my cousin had entered the back door the other night and felt something crawling on his head so he slapped it away, turns out it was a HUGE spider so yeah FUK that lol i wanted to throw up when i saw it)

so i switched couches and the butterfly followed me and went on my head so i shoo’ed it away

the next day after it had happened a lady who had a third eye/some sort of spiritual power said my grandparents visited last night and i guess i shoo’ed my grandpa away lol

anyways, going back to the rice grain thing, the faith healer knew i couldnt sleep well because my body has been burning for the longest time, so she put those 3 rice grains in a cotton ball and safety pinned it to my shirt

my mom said that her mom would often do the same thing to her sisters back when they were kids, it was really effective in to protecting yourself

i think its really crazy how theres so many spirits and the like in philippines, and also in vietnam and other asian countries as well. i thought it was because it was 3rd world countries or countries that had been colonized

i searched it up and 1) when PH was colonized, the conquestors often scared them with stories about spirits and 2) when the angels had fought lucifer and his army out of heaven, alot of them fell on earth, landing on the islands of PH

we all packed our stuff last minute and my mom was having a hard time since everything could not fit in the luggage, i told her just to put everything in our large balikbayan box and she refused, she eventually gave up (even the stuff barely fit inside the box). we left at 1am that day for the airport at manila and man, i guess i’ll miss ph

our stopover was at incheon again and this time we had more time to buy stuff at the airport. my mom bought her starbucks mug in which she was excited about. i bought another macaron and planned eating it on the airplane but my mom misplaced it & once we came back i found out it was smashed lmfao

i went to the duty free store and looked around for some snacks, the ladies were rly kind in helping me, i tried speaking in korean but had no luck at all lol all i said was kamsamnida after they had helped me

while waiting for our flight, my mom and aunties were telling us about stories about our other auntie since she’s really mean and all lol we were all curious to why she had treated everyone so unkindly basically the their whole lives

my cousins dont like this specific aunt and i dont have a good judgement of her either but my other aunt told us to always be kind despite that. 

i had planned to watch the rest of my kdrama on the plane but i knocked out for 9 out of 11 hours of the flight

the men at the airports where they check our passport were so handsome omfg. the ones both at manila and san francisco like... so... handsome. i told my mom that they’re really good looking and she assumed it was because they were light skinned but even if they werent light, they were SO handsome like i dont discriminate against color man if youre handsome you are HANDSOME

arrived back at SF at 2pm and my manang welcomed us by making us cajun shrimp and it was literally the best meal ever ugh i miss american food

i had school the NEXT day, and i had barely realized that i signed up for a class at UC DAVIS instead of sacramento and oh my god i was truly fucked up lol (ended up fixing it tho)

i checked up on my character on maplesaga and found out that literally everyone had outleveled me like ok fuk 

to summarize the 3 weeks there, my skin did not get better at all lol. although we were originally going to stay for 2 weeks, my mom couldnt fix our flight time and ended up staying there longer. despite it being dreadful at times, im really lucky that i had met a faith healer the 3rd week for my eczema. if i had left the 2nd week, i would not have been healed (the doctors here in u.s were completely useless so...) i was sick 80% of the time of the trip which made me feel bad lol but its my immune systems fault :-/// im really prone to extreme changes in weather, so coming from a 50 degree city to a 80 degree country took a toll on my body. it was the same back at home, during the summer the weather was often bipolar so that also took a toll on my body

anyways its so good to be back home except for the piles of homework stacking up ;__;

[grawsay]

ok                         im just gonna say                         im holding you to your promises  every day                         im not gonna be on your ass                         but im not accepting last                       if you dont live up to your word you'll move from second to third                         then the past : im serious though                         even though i didnt do it in a serious way                         i love you from you head to your toe baby

You Na wait stop                         What was my word

me im not gonna keep telling you everyday                         i feel like im the master, you're the puppet                         we're not on the same page                                               and i get lost for words like chelsea Dummett                         everytime i see your face

You Ok can we pause the free styling                         What's my word

me no we can't pause                         when it comes to us there are no laws                         im not the boss so stop telling me to instruct you can you read back our conversation before you overthink and it destructs you                                               i feel like an old record player on repeat                         you asked me some things right before we went to sleep                         that night                         when we had that big fight                         And you brought your A game cause you're the samurai                         alright im done                         but that was fun

you So how's it feel                         Thinking back to the times when to  I was like a snack or maybe a meal                         Now you're steady saying im changing but baby it's just the fantasy becoming real                         And Your not getting all of me n u don't kno how to deal                         So I guess rn now I'll take this opportunity to tell u how I feel all the while hoping I don't keep it too real So now I'm in out of being defensive putting up shields                         Blocking u out                         And every time we fight I b locking u out                         Too often finding myself knocking u out Out of your space of being my girlfriend                         I'm running out of ideas praying to God so he can send                         N I'm never one to follow with the crowd and keep up with the trend                         So I can just cut u off and let this just end                         I'm not sure if this end I will befriend you                         Cuz I rele love that I get to call u my boo                         Kno it's not Thursday but I wanna throw back to when we're just kool N All this fighting got me sick but I'm sure it's not the flu Not on the show with the blue dog but I'm looking for a clue                         You're asking if I care  wondering if it's true                         Got me wondering if u doubt the fact tht I love you And honestly I kno to myself this is just one of them phases                         Back then u were cool now you're hot like the fire when it blazes And now I'm lost in time checking out spaces losing parts of me on some many misplaces Attempting to control time so I could put a switch on the paces noticed tht we showing each other different sides can't recognize each other like we got different faces But I'm sticking around tryna see this thru cuz I got this feeling with u is where my place is

Me You said you WERE a snack?                         You ARE a snack                         I never stopped adoring you so please remember that                         You dont always tell me whats wrong                         but always "hey beautiful" every morn                         And when i get in my feelings i wanna leave this meeting is adjurned                         That's bad on my part                         But things were different in the start ANd now all i see are fallacies   You saying i was living in a fantasy Got me questioning if you and i were meant to be Or if i'm really a priority I dont doubt you love me i doubt our compatibility And it's killing me How things changed so fast Im struggling to stay relevant but for now im last Last on your mind IT wasn't this way in the past Some days you used to miss so much you were skipping class Some nights you called me more than you were grabbing my ass Not saying i dont like that I have no choice but to fight back You dont see that we're drifting and that's a fact i could go and just walk out and say that's a wrap but you're the best i ever had It's just the change and all this locking out that's got me so mad We're supposed to be growing                         I'm tired and it's showing                         But im not giving up as long as the wind is blowing f                         I know im a bit pessimistic                         it's my way of being realistic                         Sometimes i dont understand my own thoughts like it's cryptic                         I wanna see you succeed                         i dont wanna see you without me                         and its looking like that cant coincide coincidentally                         Baby sit down and think a minute                         is the relationship in you or are you in it                         are you all about us or are you all about me?                         Without the two of us what will this relationship be?                         i wanna take care of you and you take care of me cant you see                         i cant always be there phyically                         but i can emotionally                         But you said it takes time to rely                         and i keep having dreams that one of us dies                         one of us is left to cry                         and ask why                         why didnt we give our all when we had time                         : time is a factor yes but time can't stop us                         If time is our transportation then we're missing the bus                         Im not losing trust I have insecurities                         Loving, trusting relying, opening and getting closer should come to us naturally                         and i don't mean immediately                         but once we're losing as the days go by indefinitely                         that makes me question if we will last or if we're meant to be

You You're never last in my mind and thts something u don't see In the past it was just u and me No work no dance all my time was just free And now those things are here and they got me busy Not showing u attention and affection like before to this I admit I'm guilty But I will always love u even tho I'm not Whitney But I keep asking for u to bare with me I told u what was up u said u understood and deep down I was like yippie                         Thinking u were in the same page with me                         But it's clear tht your not                         You get upset and start saying some hurtful shit and ask me why I'm affected like I'n some kind of robot Doing stuff like tht to u is something I could not Now I'm asking where is the patience u claim u got N I ask myself will this work it's clear it might not Tht particular thought in my head is like somebody pointed the gun to my chest and took the shot And the bullet is in there and damn it's hot Everyday is just another day Tryna hold me cool and breeze it through like a palm tree and sway And It seems like my positivity bugs u like a black beetle like my name was lee swae Wait his name is swae lee And yea I find myself wondering too if it's meant to be And u got some kinda of relationship agenda it would seem to me U wanna accomplish certain things with us so we can grow like a tree But baby u need u to understand u just gota let some thing be Cuz what's kool for u to give and do me not be kool to me Cuz regardless of what u see time is a rele rele big deal to me Certain things I can't just pull of thin air⁠⁠⁠⁠ Cuz for those things got come from within me where they're anything but a thin layer U said there's no one stopping me but me But I'm the biggest obstacle they'll ever be So just giving u what u want just like tht isn't so easy And again and again I've asked h to bare with me U say yea but honestly u can't take it and I can tell cuz every time u get a little more cold icee But I'm trying so hard why can't u see Now bare in mind I said it takes time and not tht it can never be So here I am again feeling stupid now asking u to bare with me Trust me we'll grow just u wait and see                         But tell me of something u kno thts worthwhile tht comes easy                         While u think In the mean while I'll ask u to have faith in me                         So yea here I am again asking u to bare with me But honestly if u can't wait for me to be who I am supposed to be I'm not chaining u down so if u want to leave just go free                         Cuz time is of essence and it's just not free cuz often time we can hear ppl say it's money                         And if tht the case I don't wanna rob u                         Cuz I rele don't wanna see us having a court case on some divorce court boo So if it's just too much then u can just do u                         But just kno I do love you

me This is not going to get easier i hope you realize You're going to get busier as time flies responsibilities are going to hit you by surprise If im alrady loosing my place in your life then what would the time ahead lies Im asking that you please hear my cry I dont wanna be with another guy I dont see you as a robot You said you would change your status and up to now you did not Stop making these promises especially if you're not down with it if one thing after a next fails how am i gonna keep believing shit You're right it's not a big deal not changing is wont make us less real but it wouldn't take an hour to let the world know that im your girl though And people start observing The things they said start hurting telling me it cause your window is left open shit had me moping You promised to show me off i guess i was hoping i tried to stop bugging you but im not coping all that bottling up it started showing how am i supposed to bare with you when you're not doing simple things i asked you to do You're of the view that you're supposed to hold back and that's true Im trying to be content and not asking for anything big thing you're acting like im asking you for a ring I know you got more to add to the table than you bring Im your queen not just some fling I keep talking and asking but you're not listening That's making me doubt I always say if you can put your dick in my mouth you can listen without me having to shout and sometimes you get frustrated and shout and idk what that's about i love you but if you keep suggesting i leave i will                         yes i get thoughts but with your suggestions it starts to build                         the last guy that keep suggesting really didnt want me to stay                         and im happy we did this today                         a civil way to say what we have to say                         i really hope we can work all this out                         but if you don't claim me and keep suggesting i leave im out