#he is apart of my pathetic men i am emotionally attached to as a lesbian list

[0chexmix0]

I have seen Ced/ric The Sor/cerer content but I feel there is not enough. Or I am not seeing it. Where are you fuckers.

[rueur]

Morning Pages #11 (15.01.2017)

Sunday 15th Jan - 7:59 a.m.

Ikaros is sleeping beside me as I type, holding my left foot. He made a grab for it whilst I was getting my laptop ready, there was nothing I could do. It’s kind of nice, actually. My left foot feels very very warm right now and the rest of my body is just room temperature. I slept in this jumper I bought from an op shop on High Street for twelve dollars. I wore it yesterday as well when we went to meet Lauren and Jacob and play frisbee with them on a whim. We met up with them around 1:30 and said goodbye around 8. I think all up we were probably frisbeeing for around 4 hours though. So, there you go. I spent four hours dancing in the night only to spend four more hours running after a pink, flying disc that same day.

My cramps are so awful right now. I’ve been getting them on and off since Friday night, so I’m expecting my period to come on Tuesday. As usual for the past two months. It’s gone from a 28 day cycle to a 35 day cycle, after my having left the pill. At least it’s still regular and predictable though. I started taking the pill in the first place mostly to regulate my cycle, so I’m glad that that has somewhat worked. I mean, it might be the pill and it might also definitely be the fact that I am physically healthy now (for the first time in my young adult life). I got my period every three or so months as a teenager because I was so unhealthy, but as soon as I started uni and began to live as my own person, I realised that my good habits - the habits that I never had time for during the depression caused by high school - were good enough to make me lose upwards of twenty kilos in a little over a year. I’m proud of myself, honestly. It’s taken me so long to reclaim my life and some might say that I’m still in the process of doing so, but I’ve made so many positive changes that I can at least say I’m happy now.

Ikaros spoke to me very frankly last night as well. I told him about Evan earlier on in the day, and the two guys who had forced themselves on me, but I hadn’t told him that Evan kissed me with my consent and that I kissed him back. After we met up with Lauren and Jacob, Ikaros told me that Lauren had mentioned solely to him that the two of us had met on Tinder. I was supposed to tell Ikaros that I was still on Tinder, and that that was where I had met Lauren, but it slipped my mind and he ended up finding out in a not too ideal way. At least Lauren got to speak with him though. And I got to speak to Jacob, who is a lovely person and upon writing this, I realise that I hadn’t sent him a friend request on Facebook yet so I just did. Jacob and I spoke about the particulars of their open relationship and my open relationship. Because they’ve been in it together (in regards to the openness) a lot longer than Ikaros and I, they’re a relatively good resource for us. Jacob was talking to me about the rules that they had for each other, how sometimes they go through periods of monogamy, to take a breather or if they just happen to agree that it’s a good time to be together. One of Jacob’s rules was that he wasn’t allowed to sleep over at other people’s houses because Lauren didn’t like sleeping alone. Lauren, Jacob said, was more likely to develop emotional attachments to people than he was, and Lauren’s utmost emotional attachment is to him, so she can’t sleep without him. In turn, because of Lauren’s increased likelihood of becoming emotionally attached, she’s going through a period right now where she’s not allowed to sleep with other men, just Jacob. I think she’s alright with that for the time being though, because last time I spoke to her was right after she had had two lesbian experiences in one day and she came to me looking very refreshed and happy. Ikaros gave me his blessing with her afterwards, and Jacob too. He said they’re gorgeous people and he wanted me to do Lauren. Very delicately put. I don’t know if anything will happen there.  I don’t know if I’m what they’re looking for, but I would like to be. I think I should admit that to myself.

My mum used to call me a slut growing up. She just said that I was really flirty around boys my age as a child, and she would call me out on it. When Marcus and I started going out, she called me a whore. I got scaled up! And it’s funny, that I always felt hurt by that and felt like somehow it was true: having one boyfriend at my age made me a whore. I was only fourteen; some of my friends had been dating, and I wanted to do it too. I was bored, school was incredibly understimulating, and Marcus and I were very like-minded. Anyway, I’m finally at a point in my life where I honestly think I’m a slut. It’s taken nearly six years and two boyfriends, and making out with exactly ten people for me to get to this point. It’s just astounding how many people I’ve kissed since Ikaros and I got together, I mean I didn’t expect to be kissing anybody else ever again, but life is complicated. This relationship is complicated, it has to be. How else was I able to fill up three whole pages last morning talking about another boy, a boy that I had danced with for a couple of hours, kissed a handful of times, and for all I know might not ever see again? He hasn’t called me. I know the protocol here is for him to wait a couple of days or something like that, and he did tell me on Friday night that he was going to be busy on Saturday and that’s why he had to leave early. He was really hot, I’m sorry. And a fantastic kisser AND a fantastic dancer. I would love to see him again. Thankfully, Ikaros is fine with this.

I was honest with him about Evan after a very weird hour or so when we came back to the apartment. It was an hour of total staticity when it came to communicating with each other. He was all sore and worn out from frisbeeing/going to the gym in the morning (which I had told him not to do), and I was also fairly tired, not motivated enough to make some dinner, that much was for sure. He wanted dinner though; I don’t know if he wanted to make it or if he wanted me to make it for him. I think he just wanted something to happen, and nothing did. In the end, we we ended up having a very honest conversation on the couch, during which I told him about Evan and he asked me why I felt I had to hide the truth about how I met Lauren and omit the fact that I willingly kissed somebody last night. I was honest with him. When he was on the phone with me that night we broke up again, he told me that he thought I was more in love with him than he was with me. I hated that. I knew it wasn’t true for starters, because he hasn’t kissed anybody outside of this relationship even before this whole mess. But I didn’t want him to persuade me into thinking it was true. I was growing afraid that it was true, and I hated him momentarily for making me feel that way about myself. It made me feel pathetic, like a little girl pining over some kind of teen film star. Like he was all that.

He said it again last night, he said that he wanted me to have my own world. He didn’t want him to be my whole world. And it was INCREDIBLY arrogant of him to think for even a second that he IS my whole world. I’m just a kind person, when I care about someone I make sure they know that I care, and I care about him a lot. Or I used to. No, I still do. It’s just frustrating right now because I’ve been trying to care less than I actually do because I don’t want him to fucking think that he’s my whole world! I think I’ve been kissing/meeting/dancing with people to prove to myself that other people can love me, and other people want me around. Ikaros has been making me feel a lot like he doesn’t want me around lately, but he still says he loves me more than anything, more than anybody (which is another issue I will have to address: his perception of my family). It’s just so awful when the person you love says that they don’t want to see you for weeks at a time, that they need a break from you like you’re so exhausting to be with. It’s hurt me too often. I’ve come to rely on other people to feel confident within myself because he’s knocked my confidence down so often. I don’t think he knows exactly how often.

It was surprising when I admitted to him last night that the reason I’ve been trying to meet other people was really because of him, and because of what he said. I hadn’t realised it myself until I’d said it to him, but he has had a profound impact on the way that I see myself. I deserve to be with somebody who not only loves me, but makes me feel loved. There are moments when Ikaros does this, like last night after this honest conversation was resolved and we had sex. It was very intimate, very caring. He carried me to bed and proceeded to whisper positive things to me, about how much he loves me and wants to be with me. How much he wants to keep me. It feels like he only says those things when we’re having sex now. Maybe that’ll change. Maybe it won’t. But I haven’t given up hope yet.

I hope that Evan calls me. He said we’d be doing something next weekend, I think dinner on Friday night, something like that. I’m excited for that. I want to see him, just talk to him this time round. We did do a little talking in the smoking room, as I said, but not enough. The thing is that he’s a really great dancer! And so am I, and it had been a very long time since I had danced so freely. It’s intoxicating, and I am definitely going to keep going out. Hopefully I’ll be able to do it with more friends in the future, because I think the key to fighting off the creeps is to stay in big groups. I’ll still need to find some more boisterous girl friends to keep me company on nights out, desperately. It was unbelievably fun being up there on the stage with the most gorgeous, free women on Friday night. I’d never thought myself a confident enough person to dance on a stage, but Laundry and Evan got me there. Evan got me there.