#he is a part of my dream and nightmare blunt rotation

[dirtyjvconfessions]

I wonder if he smokes weed

[kisses-from-crows]

Random Campbell Bain Headcanons

(chapter 7 is currently a 5k word inconsistent mess but i can give you this so, ehhh? not sure if these make any sense but in my brain they make perfect sense)

-this mf LOVES halloween

-he will spend will weeks thinking up a bunch of overly complicated costumes

-he spends WAY too much money on halloween decorations (i want you to picture Campbell Bain with adult money….)

-he has gotten tangled in those cotton spiderweb things a million times

-he always gets really enthusiastic about carving pumpkins but doesn’t have the patience to do the super complicated designs. always manages to cut off bits he didn’t mean to cut off.

-has a tradition of smashing the pumpkins to bits in the first week of november. (he likes this part more than the carving)

-will literally beg to get his nails painted and then will IMMEDIATELY smudge them, everytime, without fail

-settles for coloring in his nails with sharpie

-scarily good at mario kart, like frighteningly good

-likes to watch the muppets when he has depressive episodes

-had an intense cowboy phase as a child, until he went to a petting zoo and discovered he’s deathly afraid of horses

-the type of person to go radio silent for weeks or spam you with 50 memes and 12 songs in a matter of an hour. (there is no in-between)

-will respond to an important text two days later with a link to song and nothing else

-has a MASSIVE sweet tooth

-and has absolutely ZERO self control with candy, will down an entire bag of marshmallows (he prefers the mini ones) in a single sitting.

-noticed that Eddie had started to sneakily take his candy so he started keeping secret stashes hidden in various places

-eddie will find a stash and throw it away, only to turn around and see Campbell munching on a king-sized snickers, just gloating

-is ace spec but constantly makes dirty jokes, partly for shock value partly because he finds it hilarious

-very touchy, doesn’t get the whole “personal space” thing

-insists that he loves scary movies and then will go to bed with all the lights on after

-finds a pair of shoes he likes and then wears them every single day until they fall apart, then refuses to throw them out

-his closet is full of converse held together by duct tape and a dream

-is the biggest baby about being sick. this mf will get a tummy ache and just start rolling on the ground whining about “this is the end, get my affairs in order, tell Eddie i love him”

-toes the line between being the dream/nightmare blunt rotation. he has the most entertaining monologues but he’s using the joint as a talking stick and accidentally ash’d in the water cups twice now

-not allowed to smoke anymore because it messed with his bipolar and he didn’t sleep for 4 days straight

-can’t cook for shit, regularly burns soup. is banned from using the oven after The Incident™️

-won’t explain to anyone what The Incident™️ is

-if you ask Eddie about it, he’ll just say “he knows what he did”

-rumor has it that it involved makeshift shrink-i-dinks

-visits Fergus’s grave at least once a month. sets up a blanket and just talks. tells him everything that happened since he came last. what the rest of the crew is up to

-always leaves some sort of bit or bauble for Fergus

-got very upset when they would go missing, until he realized the local crows were collecting them

-now he brings some food and an extra toy for the crows, they’re good friends now

-one of the crows always flies down and hangs out next to him, so Campbell is convinced it’s Fergus

okay that’s all i’ve got for now! (sorry had to make it just little sad at the end)

[lavender-jellyfish]

I'm sad, so here's some silly things from my VTuber dr that make me happy.

1. Getting to actually meet and stream with some of my favorite VTubers. I don't think I've mentioned exactly what company I'd be working for, I'd be a part of niji en (but like the company is better as a whole)

2. Having a house with a pool and my best friend being my roommate. And we have a dog who's 3 months old. And he's a great dane (because me and my friend dogsit for my uncles and they have a great dane and when I asked if I should add a pet to my dr they said yes, a house horse)

3. Owning every pack in the sims 4 (they're so expensive and for why?)

4. Having the opportunity to leave the country and visit Japan. (I'm terrified of planes but In my dr I can like...take an edible or something before the flight)

5. Being fluent in Korean (I really need to keep up on my studying-)

6. Having tattoos and piercings.

7. Knowing how to crochet and crocheting the channel mascots of me and my genmates. (This just sounds really cute)

8. Having my dream body. (I don't have a face claim though, nothing against people who have one. There's no reason for this decision, I just didn't want one, that's it)

9. I don't have a specific s/o for this dr, but like I'll have the ability to date anyone. (Without having to go through my parents I mean, my dating life is non existent because I just don't feel like going through that hassle while living with my parents)

And 10. Being able to play alot of games I'm not able to here. (And all of my combinations of people that I've specifically scripted ill stream with has been decided by me going to YouTube and adding the first people I see, so like nightmare blunt rotation kinda vibes but in a funny way)

[bigsteppadotpng]

happy late 4/20!!!

.｡ﾟ+..｡(❁´◡`❁)｡.｡:+*

in honor of 4/20, i felt it was appropriate to share my nightmare blunt rotation (jojo edition)!

JOSHU: self explanatory.

JOSEPH: oh joseph, my wife. i love him dearly, but i'm never getting that blunt back. if i am, it's mysteriously mushy and grimy and probably has been shoved somewhere i don't wanna know about

PART 1 DIO: self explanatory. he's lacing it with fent

DOPPIO: hear me out; i know he's a drug lord, but i think diavolo is the one who can handle the weed. doppio is TWEAKING after one hit and unleashing epitaph on everyone.

KIRA: he's chill for a few hits, but once the high settles in he is paranoid as FUCK. he would think the walls are whispering his true identity. next person who has the blunt is getting Bites Za Dusto'd

GYRO: now listen. gyro is on the dream rotation UNTIL he starts greening out. from that point forward? i'm finding the nearest exit

KARS: he's eating the blunt bc it's made of plants.

[frogmanfae]

Newsies as things that happened at band camp part 7

Jojo: Why do you have a tub of Vaseline?

Elmer: It's Buttons's I'm babysitting during the parade block

Jojo: ...what-

Elmer: Its name is Velociraptor

Crutchie: So remember that girl who told Jack he's her second choice?

Davey: Yeah?

Crutchie: Yeah he went after toxic girl and now he's sad

Davey: Damn it

Romeo: I was famous on wattpad for like 2 years and then they took all them down and I sent email after email to get them to put it back up to no avail! My books had like 100k reads!

Davey: *silently has 500k reads on his wattpad books and people are still reading them despite not updating anything in over a year because he transferred to ao3 and completely abandoned all of his wattpad book ideas*

Jack: *sticks his hand in Davey's drum while hes wearing it*

Davey: ...Thats violating-

Davey: *going through the band room like a tornado knocking shit down with his drums* First lesson of quadding, if you knock it down that's their problem

Albert: In sixth grade I wrote my narrative writing to be like a whole notebook thick and it was actually just a FNAF novel that turned out to be canonically accurate, for some fucking reason

Albert: *asks Spot to play something on his snare*

Spot: *plays it*

Albert: Okay that's like I thought

Spot: *keeps playing*

Albert: Okay you can stop

Spot: *keeps playing*

Albert: Please it's 8:30 am

Jojo: How is summer almost over

Specs: Shhh

Jojo: We don't even get 104 days of it. Where the fuck do Phineas and Ferb go?

Race: There's nothing fresh about those air fresheners on your drum they've been there since before freshman year

Spot: leave them alone! They're vintage!

Jack: Those saw the declaration of independence get signed

Race: He got them way over four score and seven years ago

Davey: That class roster is the nightmare blunt rotation if I've ever seen it

Jack: I'd smoke a joint with them. Would I be happy? Probably not. But I'd still do it

Race: This might be the ADHD or the potential autism but have you ever thought about how colors aren't real?

Albert: Please stop it is 8:45 am

Denton: If we had to do push ups every time we made a mistake we'd have a BUFF band... Love you guys

Sarah: At least you have a chair

Davey: I do not??

Sarah: You have a drum

Davey: Thats not a chair!

Sarah: Don't you sit on it?

Davey: ...Occasionally

Spot: We should just sit on our drums in protest

Davey: Yeah! Just like those... Um... The things...

Spot: ...Sit ins?

Davey: Yes! Those!! I'm on new medication I can't-

Jack: Got a secret

Jack: Can ya keep it

Jack: Takin this one to the grave

Jack: Better lock it

Jack: In your pocket

Crutchie: It's not even 9:45 in the goddamn morning shut the fuck up

Race and Elmer: *saying the lyrics of Posituvity from the Little Mermaid Broadway show like it's slam poetry*

Race: *at the football team* look they all got fat booties

Romeo: Girls if you don't have a date to homecoming, hit me up. Cuz I'm the bomb dot com

Buttons: *about a peanut m&m on the stairs* thats a hazard

Spot: I am going to stick my foot so far up all 3 of your asses-

Race: Ew you got the root beer popsicle?

Albert: What's wrong with root beer?

Buttons: It's root beer!

Race: It's inferior to frooty flavors!

Albert: Oh of course YOU would think that

Race: call me a fag why don't ya

Elmer: *licks popsicle* Ewww...

Buttons: Why'd you get root beer??

Elmer: *crying* I thought it was chocolate!

Jack: Oh so i was looking at pictures of my family and apparently my great grandfather, my dads grandfather on his dad's side, we WHITE. Like WHITE white. Like, blonde hair blue eyes, Hitler's wet dream-

Race: so what happened to you?

Jack: I'm thinkin he had an affair with your great grandma or somethin cuz he sure as hell ain't related to me

Albert: all the Reddit people went to tumblr

Jack: Whats tumblr?

Race: That one cite that banned porn and then everyone got mad and moved to twitter

Davey: And then everyone got mad at Twitter and moved back to tumblr

Spot: *angrily* I just got called a freshman

Race: Ha loser-

Spot: *punches him*

Albert, Race, Elmer, Spot, Sarah, Katherine, Jack, Davey, and Crutchie: *sitting in a circle around the stairs*

Buttons, trying to get up the stairs: what are you-

Albert and Race: *locking freshman in the practice rooms*

Elmer: *the freshman locked in the practice room*

Finch: *looks at Elmer through the window and just shakes his head and keeps walking*

Elmer: *presses his hand against the glass sadly*

Sarah: In the best possible way, your shirt is giving Monster High

Race: Coming from a queer woman, thats the best thing I could have heard, thank you

Denton: You're starting to sound like sick cats at measure 27 *Sick cat imitation*

Denton: Okay flutes and clarinets measure 34

Elmer and Specs: *whines of absolute suffering*

Denton: *clap clap clap clap* *pause* horns up! Sorry I was late, thats on me

Albert: He's finishing his donuts!

Denton: Hey! That is an orange peanut butter cracker!

Albert: Oh my b my b

Race: Do you have tape

Denton: ...Why?

Race: My trombone broke

Denton: how did your- *sighs* yeah. I have tape.

Finch: they're performing open valve surgery

Buttons: Oh my God is everything okay??

Finch: Trumpet valve, not heart valve.

Davey: *drops drumstick and stares at it defeatedly for 15 seconds before picking it up*

Katherine: That thing ran on miracles and duct tape

Jack: *starts playing Mary Had a Little Lamb on the quads (the beginning to a certain drum cadence)*

Spot: NO!

Davey: SHUT UP

Davey: SHUT THE FUCK UP

Albert: STOP

Race: The gray hairs come in and it's just game over

Spot: No random tapping, drums. NO RANDOM TAPPING, DRUMS!

Denton: ...do you want to play Jig II? It's your call, youre the one who has to play the solo in it

Davey: I don't really care

Denton: Alright let's play it then

Davey: UGHHHHH *sobbing*

Race: Popsicles are probably the #1 food to eat seductively

Romeo: Thats funny because I was reading a fic one time and the one guy was about to suck the other guys dick but he had never sucked dick before so he just looked at it and went "... Like a popsicle?"

Race: Why the fuck are you reading that kind of- aren't you asexual??

[esmememachine]

khonshu is part of my dream/nightmare blunt rotation.

(it depends what mood he's in)

[mason-fanfiction]

Chapter 10: Endgame, Part 2

Spoiler Warning

Mike announces with a sly, sly smile, "I gathered some foes. From your alma mater." With a grand sweep of his jort, he gestures to the army of souls supporting his right side. A gathering of normal-ass adults gather, fitted head to penis in UConn alumni gear. Mel recognizes each of them from the photos that Mason chews on when he's mad. "Is that… Ethan, Kurt, Graham, Zoe, Paulina, Jake Starn, Veronica Freshman, Krista, Dr. Mills. Zweig, and Britt's ex!" Mel correctly lists everyone's name, and the room is very impressed with his knowledge. Everyone claps.

"Recruiting them was very easy," Mikey explains, "They are still pissed that you guys won the gingerbread house contest Freshman year." They nod.

Mikey continues, "To my behind, I found some miscellaneous characters who also hate you guys, lmao." Mike Tarny pulls a curtain rod to dramatically reveal a nightmare blunt rotation: Kari, Leslie, Grace the Italian hater, Dream, a kidney stone, Red hair girl, and Mason's mom. They don't notice the curtain fall, and are chatting with each other like old friends. They seem to be getting along quite well. Just goes to show, a friendship can still blossom between very different people :).

"We're fucked," says the good guys.

A trumpet sounds through the battlefield (Planet Fitness). Battle is starting.

Blast off! Zoe remembers she has a leadership degree and fires the first shot. She scatters legos on the floor, with her superpowers. Krista assists with her signature bass-boosted attack. Sound waves shake the Planet Fitness, causing Mel to stumble somewhat. He watches as Krista closes her yap, and she begins to recharge her vocal fry. She's just warming up.

Before another move can be made, Kate summons 3 cops with guns and sends them wayward. Still quite new to this skill, the third cop, Craig, appears…wrong. Craig peeps the horror of his creation, and then zhushes himself out the window. The other two pigs fire away. A few foes retreat behind purple machines. Mike Tarny and Sea Man retreat to the safety of the backrooms, allowing their recruits to fight this battle for them.

With the violence in full-swing, each side exchanges a slew of attacks and retreats. Krista breathes deeply and projects her screams. Mason counters, retrieving his otomatone for a quick sound wave blast. The particles collide, causing a terrible shake to the grounds of the Planet Fitness. Glass fragments burst from the windows and scrape against smooth skin. Blood is shed among friend and foe alike. When the glass settles, the temperament of the room shifts and understanding dawns upon the fighters among the smell of blood and sweat. They are fighting for their lives.

Abby summons The Leprechaun. It cannibalizes Veronica Freshman. Sarah summons trees and stuff like that. The gym is overflowing with vines and greenery. She climbs a vine to obtain high ground, and rains avocado pits upon UConn's alumni. Ashley crashes a treadmill into Leslie. Britt stands out of the way of fire, intuitively. Maggie circles the kidney stone at 140mph, trying to suffocate it, like that scene in Sky High, or that fucked up scene in Legend of Korra. Mel stands on a StairMaster and shoots a regular pistol in the direction of the enemy.

Kate's gunmen are struck by a combo between Jake Starn and Paulina. They sync up their words with an "I Cannot BE HERE!". Terror and knives rain upon Kate and her gunmen, knocking out Kate and phasing the gunmen out of existence. Ashley telekenises Kate's body into safety. While distracted, Leslie appears beneath the treadmill. Her jaw unhinges and slaps against the concrete floor. Mad River Canoe Adventure 16 missiles into the air and slams into Ashley’s back with the force of one full-sized canoe. Ashley crumbles from the canoe’s momentum and lay unconscious next to Kate.

Kidney Stone is unaffected by the lack of oxygen in Maggie's runny circle. Kidney Stone activates a sleepen brethren that lay dormant inside her digestive tract. Maggie loses control of her speed and tumbles forward, clutching her stomach, gagging through the pain. Meanwhile, the Leprechaun only manages to eat Veronica's toes before she unleashes The First Plague. It screeches a high-pitched drone as blood pours from its eyes and mouth. Luckily it does not stain Veronica's cute cheerleading outfit as it collapses over itself and deflates onto the conk creet in a pile of meat. Meanwhile meanwhile, Mel's greasy teenage forehead gleams with sweat as he accidentally activates the StairMaster, and he attempts to kill people accurately while getting a real workout.

Mel swims his eyes around the room. The tide has turned unfavourably. Most of Street Smarts is conked out and half of their opponents haven't even participated yet. Their participation grade is going to falter, Mel thinks. Nearby, Britt takes psychic damage at the mention of a participation grade in this story. Sarah remains standing- until Veronica releases the Second Plague, and toads emerge from the crevices of treadmills, bicycles, rowing machines, and dumbbells, somehow. The ghastly ghouls munch Sarah's greenery and spread disease to her magic wildlife. Rather than unsummoning the trees and stuff, Sarah becomes occupied researching how to heal her plants, and she be on that phone. Mel now remains alone to shoot people with his little, little baby pistol. He catches the glance of Ethan, who has deployed a Domestic yak from the mountainous region of Nepal. Lowering his pathetic pistol, Mel cowers with the certainty that he is about to be so freaking crushed under the hooves of this here yak. Mel says a prayer to a religion he does not practice. The Yak charges.

The Yak is crushed under a projection of rubble from a nearby wall. A 20ft tall mechanical monster charges through the wall, scattering debris about. The dust settles somewhat, revealing a shining, silver mech suit- with Bryan visible in the head of the suit, steering the impressive machine. From across the room, Mel and Bryan smile to each other, unspokenly acknowledging how freaking sick the mech suit turned out. Mel pumps his fist in the air and Bryan nods behind the yak-proof glass.

Ethan barks like a puppyboy and begins to summon a second Yak attack. Bryan acts quickly, pulling a lever on his control panel. The robot glides into a squat (with great form) and its robotic cooch opens and dispenses a gathering of individuals: Bone, Party John, Peter Griffin, Sonic, Elizabeth She, Mason L, and Ozgur!

As a nice gesture, the enemy side has paused their attacks for this grand reveal. Street Smarts begins to gain consciousness just in time to witness Bone activate a nether portal. Out steps even more allies from outside the scope of this fictional story but inside the scope of real life: Brian Forbe, Mickey, Josh, Faith, Colleen, Kyle Subog, Fabrenis, Julia Illinois who is now Julia Wisconson, Ballooney, Wilbur Soot, Toothless (now a full-sized dragon), Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey, and Johanna (recently rescued from the pit).

"They didn't fit in the cooch," Bone clarifies for the audience.

Blast OFF! Mason's mom takes the first step with a wicked grin. She releases a barrage of biblically accurate angels. The empty ceilings cloud with smokey grey clusters of angel wings, blocking out the overhead lights and shrouding the battle in darkness. Light beams between the cracks, illuminating the enemy side as the angels charge forward with a piercing other-worldly squeal.

Faith, cool as a cucumber, smokes a J so fat and dubious that it hotboxes the Planet Fitness instantly and chokes the angels to kingdom come. Shannon's angels can't handle the vibes and drop to the ground like dead flies. Faith looks around for validation from her peers.

She's so cool, Mel thinks.

Irene, who came with Ethan, climbs a minifridge. Britt counters by chucking frozen snowballs at her. Irene just leaves.

Zoe's dad summons an earthquake through his hands and rocks the grounds. Machines topple over, the concrete cracks. It's crazy! Mason stands tall and walks towards Zoe's dad. He flirts with her father by sending a kissy emoji on venmo. Her father swoons, and stops the attack. Zoe is PISSED.

Kurt tries to help out by riding his tractor into Mason, but his tractor is slow as shit. He probably shouldn't even be here. He's too old.

This might be controversial, but Graham fights the Leprechaun. He chose to.

Sonic and Peter Griffin make love. Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey rides Toothless around. Toothless burns all of Red Hair Girl's thrifted clothes. She can no longer sell them for 10x the price on Depop. She falls to the ground, defeated. Her red hair deepens to a deep black hue.

Kyle Subog and Fabrenis plan the next special event. Bone and PJ team up, targeting Dream (Bone likes Tubbo better). Dream uses an Ugly attack and face reveals to everyone. Everyone takes damage. Everyone except Wilbur Soot, who has built up an immunity to the situation. Wilbur deploys Ballooney, who floats across to Dream peacefully. Dream catches Ballooney in his gamer hands. Ballooney explodes.

Britt's ex pees everywhere. Jemuel charges everyone $800. Julia Wisconson slightly inconveniences people. Kari's bangs are now slightly shorter, and they look terrible. Paulina falls off her bed. Embarrassed, she commits code Paulina. Jake Starn follows her to the grave.

Grace hates on Italians. Kate is about to respond, when a hand stops her. Josh steps forward with conviction. "It's oolright. I can handle this one," he says in a stupid accent.

Kate hands him a gun. “Are you going to be able to handle her all on your own?”

“Don’t worry,” says Mason L, stepping forward.

Mickey steps forward with a smirk. “He’s got help.”

In an inspiring act of Boy Power, all of the men step forward, wielding weapons or superpowers. Ozgur stays behind because he is wearing women's pants.

"Racism against Italians ends here!" Brian Forbe proclaims to the heavens. Grace’s eyes widen at the mass of men charging directly towards her. Hallelujah is playing. Josh throws Johanna at her. Grace is knocked down, and Johanna's body lands in a pit. Mason L crawls through the ceiling tiles and drops onto Grace’s back, scratching her face. Brian Forbe strangles her with a neck tie. Kyle Subog morphs into a husky and mauls her. It's incredibly violent and unnecessary. She dies after the first barbell hits her. The boys take a bow.

Elizabeth She begins to suck the oxygen out of the room, but is quickly stopped because Dr. Mills kills her. Colleen kills Dr. Mills.

Having lost 5 souls, Mike Tarny and Sea Man emerge from the backrooms, pissed off. The enemy side regroups. A celebrity guest appears for their next attack. It's Justice, from the LC Kickoff event! Street Smarts notices his presence, and instantly knows what's about to happen.

The enemy side lines up, and creates the longest soul train to ever grace the planet earth. Justice is beaming. His life's work is realized. The energy from the world's longest soul train begins to charge a dark red energy blast the size of 10 Josh's.

Panicking, Mel shouts, "Line up! We'll create our own Soul Train!"

Street Smarts follows his orders and creates a line. It's not the world's longest, but Mel thinks that friendship must count for something. The power from this soul train begins to charge a bright blue energy blast the size of 9 Josh's.

The opposing side fires. A beam travels from the far side of the gym towards our heroes. Street Smarts counters quickly, sending out their lesser energy beam just in time.

I went from sticking pennies in the jar.

The two energy beams crackle against each other and a deep hum rings in Mel's ear. Air pressure intensifies, and thunder claps against the ceiling. He can barely see anything, except for the blinding purple light emanating from both Soul Trains. He can just make out the difference between the two colours. He sees the dark red energy beam slowly inching towards them.

"NO! It can't end like this!" Mel shouts. He thinks about Ryan. If Mel had run to CVS and purchased flu medicine, maybe Ryan would have survived. If Mel hadn't taken Ryan on a walk on a rainy day, maybe he wouldn't have caught the flu. There were a million timelines were Ryan could have survived. Mel blames himself.

The dark red energy beam is inches away, still creeping forward. Mel is sweating, and has run out of energy. Perceiving his final moments, he looks at his dad. Mason looks back, and whispers "I love you." Mel says it back.

A new figure appears next to Mel, joining the world's second largest soul train. Confused, Mel glances at a small, disembodied plastic squirrel. It has limbs and a head, but no bodice. It floats as if connected by psychic link.

The light blue energy beam suddenly grows to the size of 100 Josh's, and shoots back at Mike Tarny's squad of goons. Mike Tarny yelps, and the energy blast shocks all of the foes, sending them flying against the wall. Street Smarts is also flung backwards, although they stick a softer landing. Mel snaps his attention from the energy blast to the squirrel beside him.

"Who are you?" He asks.

I am GOD the squirrel. Mel, you summoned me.

"Ok." Mel says.

The dust settles, and the room is quiet. Bodies lay strewn across the concrete floor- some dead, some still breathing. Spider still sits in the centre, tied tf up. Mel and Mason run to untie him. As soon as they reach him, a piece of rubble moves, and Mike Tarny pops up. His eyes fixate on Mason.

"Hold your horses!" Mike Tarny shouts. Mel and Mason freeze. Mike Tarny holds Bryan in a chokehold, a pistol positioned against his temple. Sea Man hoists himself up to stand next to Mike Tarny.

Mel can't hold his tongue and blurts out, "Why did you betray us, Sea Man?"

Sea Man begins to speak, but Mike Tarny stops him. "He didn't betray you, nimrod," Mike Tarny explains, "We were in cahoots from the beginning. He was keeping an eye on you."

Mel frowns. "That's stupid. Why would you work for Mike Tarny?"

"I don't work for him. He's-"

"Sea Man believes in my revenge plan for Mason," Mike Tarny cuts him off. Mel gasps. Mason gasps. Bryan gasps.

Mike Tarny saunters closer to Mason, his pistol still raised to Bryan’s head.

"You chose Ryan." Mike states plainly.

"And you chose Shelly." Mason responds.

Mike scoffs. "You knew she was using me for witchcraft. After you and Ryan got married, I felt like I had no one. I was raising Fatty all on my own, because you didn't want to keep OUR baby."

Mason is silent. Mike continues, "I did choose Shelly eventually. I was overwhelmed raising Fatty on my own, so I married her after college. She hated you too- even more than me. She encouraged me to take revenge. But I didn’t need encouraging.”

“Typical,” Mason whispers to Mel.

Mike keeps fucking talking. “Of course, some parts were her idea. It was her idea to kill Ryan.”

Mel’s head snaps up. ‘YOU killed Ryan?”

“Yeah, we poisoned him. Hired someone to declare him dead from influenza. We had Mason drafted for the war, and Shelly dressed as a man like in Mulan. She impersonated a general, and ordered the attack against Mason.”

Mason thinks back to the war. “I couldn’t place the face at the time, but it’s because Shelly was dressed as a man. I saw the hatred in her eyes. It seemed familiar.”

“Shelly was a little psychopathic,” Mike admits. “But Spider pushed you out of the way, and you survived. I had to scramble to find other ways to zonk your gourd. And then your son got too crazyyy and involved. I don’t want to kill a kid, but here we are. I had to organize a freaking epic battle. It was really hard getting everyone here. We all have such different schedules.”

Just then, Maggie shows up for the battle in a Pooh bear costume. She sneaks in the back.

Mel glares at Mike Tarny with his whole pussy. Something still didn’t add up. Mike Tarny lost Fatty when he was still a baby. But now Mike claims that he raised Fatty all on his own- or with Shelly’s help. So where is Fatty now?

Something clicks in Mel’s brain. He looks at the person standing by Mike’s side. He notices one crucial detail: A tuff of golden red hair atop Sea Man’s head. Mel gasps.

“FATTY.” Mel points at Sea Man. Mason starts to tell Mel not to be rude (he would never call someone fat), until Sea Man responds “Yeah?”

“We are brethren, Sea Man. Half-brothers. Kin. Did Mike Tarny ever tell you that?”

Sea Man looks at Mike Tarny. “No, he didn’t tell me that.”

“Mason is your daddy,” Mel explains. “And-and mine too. Mike Tarny is using you for a petty revenge plot- you have to see that! And he caused 9/11.”

“What’s 9/11?” Sea Man asks.

Mason says, “Sea Man, or Fatty, I’m sorry I abandoned you at birth. It won’t happen again. Please, man, join our side instead. You won’t have to hang out with this annoying dude anymore. Fr.”

Sea Man looks at Mike Tarny, hurtfully. “You lie. Papa.” He says that like Eleven or whatever. From Stranger Things. Like when she said Papa You Lie. Lol. Lol. Also, fuck it, Sea Man had a British accent this whole time.

“I’m proper joining your side,” Sea Man declares. He lowers his gun and stands proud next to Mason and Mel. They join hands, even.

Mike Tarny is stomping mad. “What the hell man.”

Bryan clears his throat. “Uhm. Excuse me, Mr. Tarny, are you going to murder me yes or no?”

Mike Tarny releases Bryan like a bad fish. “Nah, man, I’m not gonna kill a kid.” Bryan trots back to the group. “But I am gonna kill Mason,” he says, shooting his gun finally. At Mason.

A few things happen at once. First, Bryan sneezes. Second, Mel says bless you. Third, Mike Tarny says that line. Fourth, Dennis bursts through the Planet Fitness wall and shouts “I’m alive!!”. Fifth, Mike Tarny shoots his gun. Sixth, Dennis takes the bullet for Mason, and dies.

Mike Tarny cries out in defeat. Foiled again. Kate summons her cops and they arrest Mike Tarny. The remaining people on the enemy side pack up their string bags and go home. Two women kiss. This fanfiction is now banned in multiple countries and will not be airing on Cartoon Network.

Mel pushes Dennis’ body out of the way with his shoe and hugs his father. Mason hugs back, but he has pee real bad so it’s a short hug.

—-

It’s summer now, a few years later. Partly cloudy, a slight breeze. All you need is a light jacket. Mel is visiting Ryan at the Wallingford Cemetery, sipping a nice oolong. Mel brought flowers and 3 DVD copies of Spanglish with Adam Sandler.

He breathes deep, patting the grave on the back. “Well Rye Rye, I’m going to college next week. I wish you could help me move in. We really could use your gadgets and gizmos.” He laughs, but in a sad way.

A waiter arrives with a tray of tacos. She says it’s for Brittany. Mel tells her Brittany is not here. The waiter leaves.

Mel spends some time chatting with Ryan about his last few months of high school and the big change ahead. After some time, Mel sees Mason whip around the gravesite in his black car and park on the side of Ryan’s grave. Mason was recently released from prison for Shelly’s manslaughter.

Mason greets Mel. “Hey Mel, I thought I’d find you here. I brought Fatty.” Fatty steps out of the car too. They join Mel.

They watch Ryan’s grave for a while in silence. “I miss his body,” Mason says, choked up.

“I didn’t know him,” Fatty says.

“Thanks guys, I needed to hear that.” Mel means it. A few years ago, Mel felt like his family was broken. Looking at his dad and bro, he doesn’t feel broken. He lost a father and he gained a brother. Mel tries to hug his family. They hold up their hands and say “Don’t.”

Some time passes. Mason sees a bird and gets really excited, like an old man. Fatty orders tacos. They are having a nice afternoon :).

“So Mel,” Mason says, in between bites of taco, “Are you excited for band preseason?”

---

Credits

[hailaxe]

mr beast is in my nightmare blunt rotation but he is a part of my dream socratic seminar