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twstarchives · 4 years ago

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Happy Birthday・Floyd

Card: Birthday Attire - SSR Characters: Yuu & Floyd. Mentioned: Jade, Azul

Chapter 1

—OCTAVINELLE DORM - BIRTHDAY PARTY VENUE—

NRC Campus News Interview with the Birthday Student ~Floyd ver.~

Yuu: Happy birthday!

Floyd: Oh, Shrimpy-chan came to celebrate. Thanks~

How are you feeling with everyone celebrating for you?

Floyd: It’s loud and tons of fun. We had parties back home, but none were ever this noisy.

I like the ones here better, ‘cause they��re not so formal.

There have been rumors that you keep a stash of sweets in your room. Is this true?

Floyd: Huh? You don’t do that, Shrimpy-chan? Don’t you ever get hungry before going to sleep, even after eating dinner?

Me ‘n Jade aren’t done growing yet.

What’s your favorite sweet?

Floyd: Hm... It depends on how I’m feeling that day... A while ago it was peppermint candy.

Last week it was melon soda gummies... And yesterday I was eating almond biscotti.

I think I like things that are hard to chew more than I care about the flavor. I also like the ones you can only eat on land.

If you ever find some weird candies, could you give some to me, Shrimpy-chan?

I’ll keep note of that. Next, what’s your favorite food?

Floyd: It’s... takoyaki~! Oh, do you know what takoyaki is?

Huh? You do? You don’t really know a lot about this school, but you actually know about those?

Me and Jade and some other students in our dorm had some the other day after the Mostro Lounge closed.

Turning ‘em over is actually pretty hard, but I kept doing it till I got really good at making them.

Takoyaki means “octopus balls,” but you can put other stuff inside and that way you won’t get sick of them.

What ingredients have you tried in them?

Floyd: First I made them with shrimp and cheese! And then sausage, oysters...

Tomatoes, broccoli, strawberries, whipped cream, chocolate, anchovies, potato salad, devil’s tongue jellies...

I see you’ve tried out a lot.

Floyd: Yeah! It ended up turning into a contest over who could make the weirdest combo... All of ‘em were so gross, it was hilarious!

But Azul gets mad at us when we waste food, so we had to make sure to eat all the evidence.

You should do it with us next time, Shrimpy-chan~ It’s a promise, okay?

Chapter 2

—OCTAVINELLE DORM - BIRTHDAY PARTY VENUE—

You often have your collar open. Is it uncomfortable when it’s buttoned up?

Floyd: Not that it’s uncomfortable, it’s just annoying and I don’t like it. I’m good at strangling, but I don’t like having it done to me.

I didn’t like wearing clothes when I first came on land either. It felt like I always had seaweed wrapped around me.

Then you gotta wash fabric clothes right after you wear ‘em, right?

Why do humans have to do all that? It didn’t make sense to me.

But I like picking out clothes now. It’s fun wearing all kinds of colors.

Shrimpy-chan, did you know all the bright colors you see on land look real dark underwater?

And then aside from clothes, you also get shoes and accessories... Dressing up on land is so much fun~

But they start to pile up in my room when I buy things and then it gets hard to deal with.

Jade always cleans our room so I’ve asked if I could leave them in the empty space.

But he just immediately goes “No.”

Ugh... Maybe they’d let me have another dorm room to use for storage.

Do you like collecting anything?

Floyd: Huh? Jade ‘n Azul like collecting plants and coins and things, but...

I lose interest fast so I don’t really collect any... Oh, wait.

I’m not really collecting them, but I bought some eel merch the other day.

What kind of things did you get?

Floyd: A loose-fit graphic tee and a keychain where the mascot on it is makin’ a funny face.

There’s a legend saying “The Sea Witch had very capable moray eels as her henchmen.”

So eels are seen as really tough under the sea. We’re carnivores too.

But the eel merch they sell on land is weirdly cute. It’s really funny.

I guess this how humans see eels?

I gave the T-shirt I bought to Jade and he happily put it on, aha!

But Azul said “Don’t go out in those clothes.” They’re so cute, though. Wasn’t that rude?

Chapter 3

—OCTAVINELLE DORM - BIRTHDAY PARTY VENUE—

Do you like your merman or human form better?

Floyd: When I first turned into my human form, I didn’t know how to use my legs ‘n my body was just heavy...

I really felt like turning back into a merman and going back to the water.

But I don’t think it’s that bad anymore.

You only see fish and merpeople in the Coral Sea, but there’s all kinds of people at this school.

So it never gets boring.

Also~ if I wasn’t on land, I wouldn’t be able to play basketball or dance, so I think it’s really fun.

I’ve been interested in parkour lately too!

What’s parkour?

Floyd: Oh, you don’t know? You kick off handrails and walls to climb buildings~...

It’s a sport where obstacles will get in your way, and you have to try not to stop moving as best as you can and head for the goal.

It seems difficult.

Floyd: I don’t really think about it being easy or difficult.

I’ve always loved games like obstacle course races.

There are obstacle course races in the sea...?

Floyd: Yeah. You score goals and swim through a set route inside a sunken ship.

A lot of sunken ships get really messy ‘cause things are broken everywhere inside of ‘em, so a lot of things get in your way while you’re swimming.

You wanna avoid obstacles without having to move too much so you don’t lose your swimming speed.

And whoever gets to the goal the fastest wins!

...See, it’s kinda like parkour, right? That’s probably why I like it.

I love learning new moves, and the way it’s just like taking off when you’re swimming is really fun.

There’s no real strategy or “right” way to avoid things, so nothing’s holding you back... you’re also more free?

I hate having to follow strict rules...

Oh! But one time, there was a day that I overslept and used parkour to get into the classroom from the window. The teacher got really mad at me.

But shouldn’t it have been really amazing that I tried so hard not to be late? Next time I’ll have to not get caught, ehe!

Thank you for sharing all of this with us. Once again, happy birthday!

#twisted wonderland #floyd leech #personal story #birthday attire

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artisticestheticreads · 6 years ago

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Wishing

IThis is an one shot inspired by my last post. It is about Erik ‘Killmonger’ Stevens who goes back to Oakland after being in the Navy Seals and celebrates his 27th birthday at the local club, seeing something, more like someone, he likes. This contains angst and some light SMUT smut.

Friday, Feb. 9, 2016

It was a chill night on the birthday boy’s birthday. He planned on staying and play 2K like he had been since he got back. He sat on his couch in a pair of black and red basketball shorts and and a white long sleeve shirt that covered his marks with gold rim glasses on. He grabbed his cup of ice cold Sparkletts water playing the game in one hand. He finally made a three pointer right when his phone rung; he paused the game and answered. “Yo, this E”.

“WASSSSSSSSSSSSSUP”, his friend, Jae, yelled making Erik laugh. “What up, my brutha”, he asked. “Aye, man. What we getting into tonight?” Erik chuckled and said “I ain’t gonna do shit. You already know how I am when it comes to my birthday. Nah, I’m good”. He all of a sudden heard a knock on the door; it was Jae when he opened it. “What the fuck you mean you ain’t gonna do shit? Its yo 27th birthday and they poppin at the club right now.” Erik folded his arms and said “first off, watch who you think you talking to and second I don’t feel like doing shit”. He flopped on the couch and looked through his phone. “Man, E. Yo ass tripping. Look at you. Sitting up here with yo PS and phone on hand tryna find some bitch to fuck when you can easily go out and get yo dick wet.” Erik rolled his eyes and kissed his teeth. He sat there thinking and finally stood. “Ight, man. Where we going?”

“The Boom Boom Room”.

“Nigga, it sounds like it seems like cans of bounce that ass and unpaid child support. I’m good, ma g”, Erik said with a straight face walking to his bedroom. “No, there is some fine ass females and I KNOW yo ass love some black women, man.” Erik stopped and rolled his neck thinking ‘damn, they are my weakness’. He kept walking before he closed the bedroom door, he said “give me thirty minutes.” Jae clapped his hands in excitement and made his way downstairs. Erik had his dreads braided back with a fresh long sleeve black tee, dark blue jeans and leather combat boots on. He grabbed his phone, keys and wallet before locking up; they were on their way.

Once they got in, it was actually a nice setting. Red lightening, huge bar and matching dance floor with Future’s Low Life playing. Erik looked around at all the women around; brown, light, caramel galore. He looked to the bar, at Jae then motioned for them to make their way. He strolled through the crowd passing through all the beautiful women and smiled to himself. I can get used to this, he thought. “Let me get a Jack and Coke on the Rocks” he asked the male bartender; he nodded and started to make the drink. Jae ordered the same and placed his debit card down opening a tab.

“Thanks, man”, Erik said and patted his friend’s back. “Aight, aight. I gotta request to play this for Trisha from her secret admirer. This Bryson Tiller with..” The DJ played Don’t and before you know so many women were singing off key that made E and J laugh. E got his drink and began sipping when he looked over into the crowd and saw a brown skin woman with maroon shade box braids down to her behind in a nice white tube top matching skirt and white go go boots that made her short curvy frame, tall and appealing. She was swaying her hips to the beat while lip syncing the lyrics.

“Girl, said he keeps on playing games And his loving ain't the same I don’t know what to say-ay but What a shame If you were mine you would not get the same If you were mine you would top everything Suicide in the drop switching lanes And that thang so fire baby no propane Got good pussy girl can I be framed To keep it 100 girl I ain't no saint But he the only reason that I'm feeling this way Giving you the world baby when you get space Playin' game get me laid, baby let's penetrate oh baby.”

Erik raised his brow slowly as he sipped from his cup and with half a smirk watching her carefully. The way she moved was like a magician which a watch dangling in front of him, hypnotizing him. When she turned, all he heard was “Y/N Y/L/N, get yo cute ass over her girl.!” She smiled, excused herself from her large group of friends and made her way to the men. She reached them and said “waddup, Jae. How you been, baby boy?” She gave him a big and he said “aw, y’know me. Trynna keep my ass outta trouble and what not. Who told you ass to look like a nice cup of chocolate milk, huh?”

“Bwoy, bye. I look good as hell. I got so many niggas in here approaching me and shit, it ain’t even funny.”

Jae looked over at Erik and can tell he was in LaLa Land mentally drooling. “Aye, guess who back.” She looked at the man Jae was pointing at and asked “E? It can’t be.” Her smile warmed him up and he said “wassup.” She gave him a big hug with her arms around his torso and he placed his cup down on the counter. He placed his hand on her lower back and said “damn, a lot has changed, huh kid?” The last time they saw each other, it was their high school graduation. She went off to school in New Orleans where her father is from and he went to MIT, far away. She had a retainer in, with her natural hair slicked back in a ponytail and all. She was a little small thing but her woman curves came in. Back then, they were close friends, first kiss and also first sexual experience, ever.

Y/N rubbed her hands on his back and took in his cologne before adding distance between them. “How you been”, she asked with her hands behind her. “Been aight. What about you, love?”

“Been here and there. Just trying to save the world and all.”

Jae added “yeah, Miss L/N been kicking ass at her firm sending all those cops to prison for life”. She dusted her shoulders off and said “I know they deserve it but its not gonna bring back all those people that lost their life for be ‘while black’. We lose our lives every day and some in other places end up getting away with because they ass wear a shiny badge. Nah. Not while my ass is around.” Erik smiled and nodded thinking how she was still the smart bad ass the he fell in lo-”

“Y/N”, a male’s voice said coming towards them. He wore a turtleneck with black slacks and dress shoes with a light skin complexion. Jae said “aw shit. Here he come” in a whisper as he sipped more from his cup. “Who that”, Erik asked, she looked to him and said “my fiance”. He mentally was taken back but nodded in real life. “Hey, baby”, her man said and looked at the fellas. Y/N looked away and rolled her eyes. “Donald, this is Erik Stevens.” Donald looked to him with his right hand out and said “nice to meet you, brotha.”

“You too, man” E shook his hand then looked at her. Donald looked at Jae with a stern look. “What up, Jae?” Jae looked away and said “Sup, nigga.” Donald chuckled and asked the bartender “lemme get a round for my lady’s bachelorette party”. Erik looked down at her confused and shook his head. Donald looked at her and said “I’ll be waiting for you at the table. Don’t take too long, baby girl.” Y/N looked up to him and nodded as he placed a kiss to her lips and made his way to the group. “What kinda nigga shoes to his girl’s bachelorette party”, Jae asked and Y/N folded her arms and looked around. “An insecure ass nigga”, Erik said with a straight face looking at her. She looked at him and half smirked. “Let us buy you a drink and let that nigga wait” E said. She smiled and ordered a Jack and Coke on the rocks.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

The club was jumping and Erik, along with Y/N was feeling just right dancing a rapping along to some throwback music as the lightening got darker. “So what up with that nigga? He ain’t yo type at all, ma?” She shrugged, running her fingers through her braids. “We met my third year at school and I guess we hit it off.” Erik spun her in a circle, holding her close. “Y/N L/N, you telling me you in love with this nigga”, he pulled her body into his and spoke in her ear; she nodded. “Nah, I need to hear it.”

“I love him”, she said but Erik chuckled adding vibration to her back. “Aight, girl. Yo ass lying like a muthafucka and I can tell.” He wrapped his arm around her waist as the beat to Wishing by DJ Drama plays. Erik pelvis began to grind against her and he swore she can hear a light moan from her. He got in her ear and began saying the lyrics.

“Baby you know who I am and girl I know just who you are We ain't gotta rush into shit 'cause being in love is too hard I'm tired of all these flashing lights, girl we should just fuck in the dark Once you let me in it, I'mma get to switching, different positions Have that ass wishing that I was your nigga Wishing that I was your nigga, yeah yeah yeah Wishing that I was your nigga, yeah Once you let me in it, I'mma get to switching, different positions Have that ass wishing that I was your nigga.”

She lied her head back on his shoulder blushing slightly. Erik smiled down at her then to the table where Donald sat at alone; that’s when he got the idea. He took her hand and made their way into the ladies bathroom. “E, what are we doing in here?” He looked down at her and said nothing. She waved her hand in front of his face and he grabbed it pulling her whole body close to him. “Y/N, tell me you’re in love with him” he said as he sat her on the counter with her legs apart and him standing between them. “E, I”. She looked in his eyes as she felt his hands on her thighs. “What? What was you gonna say, baby girl?” His hands went up her thighs, pulling her closer as they were chest to chest. “Erik, I am.” Erik shook his head, laughing and she asked “what so funny, huh? What? You don’t believe me? You left me here alone for so long. You was my best friend, Erik. And you know that shit.” He stood back and said “you think I had a fucking choice, Y/N? I got accepted to the best school for me and I became a fucking Navy Seal. The fuck was I supposed to? Stay here?”

Y/N looked at him and folded her arms getting off the counter. She started to remember when he left, no kiss, not thing. She wanted to be with him but he pushed her aside. Ignoring her. She felt neglected and hurt. She had to get over him because if she didn’t...boy oh boy. “FUCK YOU, ERIK!!! YOU LEFT ME ALONE KNOWING I WANTED TO BE WITH YO DUMB ASS!!!!! I WANTED YOU SO FUCKING BAD BUT YOU PUSHED ME AWAY. I WAITED FOR YOU AND HERE I AM THINKING YOU WOULD AT LEAST GIVE A BITCH A CALL BUT NO!!! NOT A FUCKING THING. I WAS NOT AND I MEAN ABSOLUTELY WAS NOT GONNA WAIT FOR YOU.” She pushed him off and made her way to the door but he used his strong arm to push it closed looking at her. He stood there frozen. Only his eyes moved up and down at her frame then he slowly walked close to her but she stayed in place.

He looked down at her and asked “fuck me? Nah, don’t say that shit because you don’t mean it, ma. You think I didn’t wanna stay. We both know for sure if I did, I would end up dead in the fuckin’ streets. Is that what you wanted for me? Dead?” She got quiet like he thought he would. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Look, Ima be 100. I love you, girl. But you know what I’ve been through. Everyone I loved left me. I didn’t want you to be the next one. But I guess it’s too late.” She looked to the ground and he got the message so he walked away. “E”, she said his name and he turned saying “what’s up”. He turned to see her looking at her with black lingerie panties in her hand.

“Show me how much you love then”, she said and he marched to her saying “yes, ma’am.” He lifted her body up and placed her back on the counter. He dug in his wallet, grabbed a condom placing it on and stroked himself looking at her. He slid inside her slowly and was amazed on how wet she was. “Damn, you tight as fuck. Either, you ain’t fucked since we did or that nigga ain’t hitting it right.” She smiled while she moaned and moved her hips to match his thrusts. “Fuck, Erik. I missed you so much”, she said holding onto his wrists. He kissed her ankle and said “I missed you too baby.” He picked her up and started to hold her thigh as she bounced down on him multiple times (^like in the gif above^). They looked into each others and started to think about their first time together. They remembered how it was to feel each other for the first time. They realized they needed each other more than anything.

The moment was so intense and passionate that they almost missed the door knob turning. Erik made his way into the stall and Y/N sat on his lap still; her back to him and still clenching his dick with her walls. “Y/N, you in here”, her friend asked. She looked back at Erik, cleared her throat and said “yeah, I’m fine. I’ll-I’ll be out in a minute.” She began bouncing again slowly making Erik’s head lie on her back and biting at her back with his grill. She smiled and her friend said “okay, well Donnie looking for you.” Y/N said “k” to dismiss her friend. Once they heard the door, she pulled her skirt up more and Erik pulled her top down to feel her breasts and hard nipples. “E, Ima come. Oh My God”.

“I know, baby. I can feel that shit. I’m almost there,” he groaned and whispered into her ear. She can feel her cream coat his member and held him closer. “I love you, Erik. Fuck, I love you so much.”

“I love you too, baby. Damn, girl.”

They moved together as one and then h held her closer while she soaked both of them; afterwards he came into the condom. They sat for a few, catching their breath and laughing. He got up with both of them and remove the condom discarding it in the trash. “E, I really did miss you.”

“I’m here now, baby girl. And I ain’t going no where, aight? I swear.” He washed his hands and stroked her chin before placing his lips on hers. He fixed her up as she giggled, situated himself and took her number into his phone. She looked around and when she bent down to grab her undies, E held them in his hand. “Nah, ima keep these. When did you stop wearing granny panties?” She smacked his chest and they both laughed when they approached the door but soon the smiles were gone when they saw Donald and her friends standing there with Jae smiling big at them. Jae said “daaaaaamn, y’all was going at it. All I heard was cheeks clapping and shit.” Erik kept his eyes on Donald as Y/N asked “what’s up?” Donald folded his arms and said “a little birdie told me that you ran off for a little session.” She looked back at her so called friend and played flicking her off looking like she was scratching her face.

“So you love him, right? So who is gonna be? A hood nigga that left you over his own selfishness or a real man that was there for you?”

“The fuck you just called me”, Erik getting into his face. “I bet you won’t say that shit again.” Donald was about to push him when Y/N got in the middle. Erik looked him in the eye with an evil smirk and asked “so, who is it going to be baby girl?”

“Yeah, who”, Donald asked looking at Erik as well.

She held their chests still and looked in between them. For some reason, she was stuck, frozen. She closed her eyes and said “I choose...” She looked at Donald then at Erik, took a deep breath and ....

@muse-of-mbaku @im5ftbutmythroat66 @chaneajoyyy @melanin-samii @theunsweetenedtruth @doux-ciel @unicornluvin8765 @vikkidc @wakandantings @thadelightfulone @mzamethystp @simbiann @tropicalsun10 @babydoll756 @notoriouslynay @vminax @quinsly @pinkdemolition @quietstorm-73 @chaoticcashfancroissant @bugngiz @chocolatedippedinhoney @yafavcocoa @lostgalaxies

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trentteti · 8 years ago

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The Logical Rose-ning Section: Your Recap of The Bachelorette, Episode 7

Rachel Lindsay is a practicing attorney who once took the LSAT. And you, dear reader, are an aspiring attorney who will soon take the LSAT, Rachel Lindsay is also an aspiring married person, serving as the Bachelorette on this season of The Bachelorette, the love story these depraved times deserve. And you, dear reader, may also be an aspiring married person? Either way, you definitely have at least a few things in common with Rachel. So every Tuesday, we’re going to be tracking Rachel’s romantic journey on The Bachelorette, and see what we can learn about love, loss, and the LSAT. Welcome back to the Logical Rose-ning Section.

Last time: We traveled to Switzerland with the remaining six contestants, getting odes to conspicuous consumption, the endurance of sled dogs, and France. We then threshed out the chaff, ridding Matt and Adam, leaving our final four contenders for hometowns this week.

Hometown with Eric in Baltimore, MD

We don’t waste any time (other than having to sit through a lengthy introduction, of course) getting to the first hometown showdown. First up is Eric, the formerly insecure, but increasingly confidant and enthusiastic, personal trainer. Eric’s been building momentum up, but he risks it all with a sartorial gamble: a light denim shirt over light denim pants that strongly evokes the Canadian tuxedo. It’s a bold look, but one that could maybe evoke a humility and working class realness that might set him apart from dandies like Peter, Bryan, and Dean?

They start their date on a picturesque hill overlooking the Baltimore harbor, but travel to a tougher part of the city where Eric grew up. As they drive, Eric notes, “Look, they’re selling drugs right here,” presumably passing by Bodie Broadus.

They play some ball and Rachel displays a tight handle, before Eric introduces Rachel to Ralph, whom Eric refers to, at least as well as these old ears can tell, as his “A1.” I wasn’t expecting a network reality show to make me feel like a decrepit old person, but I have no idea what that means. Is Ralph Eric’s steak sauce? He’s been in his refrigerator forever? He’s a little too overpowering to be an everyday condiment?

The big topic of this date is that this is the first girl Eric is bringing “home.” Home in this case being in the largest quotes you can envision. It’s pretty strange that every home these contestants go to, regardless of where they’re from or what they say about their background, is dressed up with the same HomeGoods accoutrements, and has nothing in the way of family photos, trophies, or any of the normal stuff you see in people’s homes. Anyway, they head over to Eric’s aunt Verna’s house, who has either let the producers use a heavy hand to spruce up her place, or has a crippling addiction to Overstock.com.

Rachel being the first woman Eric brings home doesn’t seem to be an issue. If anything, Eric’s family’s reaction is “Fiiiiiiinally … Rachel, take this guy off our hands.” Eric’s fam is super welcoming to Rachel. When leaving, Eric then drops the “love” bomb–not the “I can see myself falling in love with you” or “I am falling in love with you”–but an actual code 143. He immediately qualifies that with “…and by that I mean I care about you.” Which makes the statement a little less convincing. You usually don’t use support a very strong claim with a weaker one–that’s a logical fallacy, folks. Rachel wouldn’t face the jury and say, “My client is definitely didn’t defraud the plaintiff, and by that I mean he really cared about the plaintiff’s feelings.”

Anyway, Rachel admits to “falling for Eric.”

Let’s assign an LSAT score to this date, based on four criteria:

1. Was the guy’s outfit on point? Eric gets 19/25 points in this category. You gotta admire a bold decision with the denim on denim look–if it’s good enough for Britney and Justin, it’s good enough for you too. Plus, a clean white tee and fresh white sneakies will never go out of style.

2. Was the activity fun? 17/25. The basketball court had sentimental importance to Eric, gave insight into his childhood without being overbearing or obvious, and gave them an opportunity to goof around. Points deducted for inviting comparisons to Rachel’s college boyfriend—Kevin Durant—though.

3. Was the family a good sport? 24/25. The family could not have been more welcoming to Rachel and really helped prop up Eric. Shouts to Aunt Verna for unhesitatingly telling Rachel that Eric is ready for marriage.

4. Did the guy say the L word? 20/25. The guy did say the L word, but walked it back in his explanation. That unforced error is going to cost him 5 points.

So Eric winds up with a raw score of 80, which on the June 2017 LSAT would have net him an impressive 162.

Hometown with Bryan in Miami, FL

We’re in Miami, which according to Rachel, just screams “Bryan.” “It’s hot, it’s steamy, there’ something sexy about it. Sometimes it speaks to you in Spanish,” she says. Is Rachel hearing voices that she attributes to the actual city of Miami, which has gained voice and consciousness (and apparently sex appeal and the Spanish language) in her mind? Is Rachel OK?

More to the point, is Bryan OK? To make his best impression on Rachel, dude wears a golf shit with a grey v-neck visible underneath and grey joggers that look like baseball pants.

We may be in Miami, but that look is pure Tampa, man.

They play dominos—still the only board game that can be considered even remotely cool, sorry backgammon—in Domino Park, enjoy some arepas, and dance in an empty bar. Bryan smooth talks her, and she is absolutely in the bag.

What could ruin this? Bryan’s mom, that’s what. Here’s her calmly sizing up the woman determined to take away her baby (37 year old) boy.

Here’s her hearing that Bryan thinks Rachel is “the one.”

She backs that up wondering, “You have gone out with so many girls, and you go on a show, and you fall in love with the girl on the show? I’m in shock!” Good point, Bryan’s mom.

Here’s her pledging her undying loyalty to her son.

Here’s her making small talk with Rachel.

Here’s Rachel imagining her new life with Colombian Cersei Lannister as her mother-in-law.

Bryan does some damage control by telling Rachel that he is “in love” with her. No qualifications from this guy.

How did Bryan do?

1. Was the guy’s outfit on point? You’re an attractive guy in a humid climate. You think you can pull off anything, so you go for comfort–light joggers and a polo shirt with sweat-wicking material. You want to go bold with a bright color, so you get some red, but you don’t want to come off too strong, so you temper it with some dark gray. The outfit is a little matchy-matchy, a little minor league baseball. But you go for it regardless, because hey, you’re a hot guy. This category awards no “hot guy” bonus points, though. 5/25.

2. Was the activity fun? 16/25. Bryan was able to flaunt his Spanish speaking skills with the domino players, show off delicious South American cuisine, and salsa dance with Rachel. Well chosen activities, but what do they show about Bryan? Tough to say.

3. Was the family a good sport? 0/25. Bryan’s mom was the undeniable MVP of this episode, a ferocious mama grizzly of a woman who I am 100% convinced was not joking when she said she would straight up murder Rachel if she crossed Bryan. Problem was, Rachel seemed convinced too.

4. Did the guy say the L word? 24/25. Big time. One point deduction for not backing it up in Spanish.

So Bryan winds up with a raw score of 45, which on the June 2017 LSAT would have net him a 144. Looks like Bryan’s taking the December LSAT (read: we’re going to see this guy again as the next bachelor).

Hometown with Peter in Madison, WI

Peter—sensing the mistakes made by Bryan, his most significant competition—goes classic in his ‘fit, with a grey t-shirt (that artfully complements his graying temple), blue jeans, and brown boots.

That scoop neck is made for a younger man, though. No need to flaunt those clavicles in your thirties, dude.

Anyway, Peter gets the award for most boring date. Peter takes her to the farmers market, my go-to for those times when I really can’t think of anything better to do. Peter orders two honey sticks for them, which makes me question his commitment to personal training.

Peter then takes Rachel to an empty bar to meet his friends, who, let’s just get this out there, are two black dudes. Apparently, Peter bragged about this Rachel early on, and now … I mean, maybe these guys are Peter’s closest friends and confidants. Or maybe Peter is showing them off to show Rachel how down he is? At any rate, these guys look positively thrilled to see their close buddy for the first time in months.

Bryan then takes Rachel back to his parents’ place. His parents, btw, are the archetypes of Midwestern parents.

Just look at that goatee and cropped haircut on the dad. That smooth in the front, spiky in the back, peacock-y haircut that is bestowed on all moms at age 45.

The mom commits a major oopsie doopsie when she says that Peter may not propose her at the end of this, instead saying that Peter may be willing to give Rachel a verbal promise ring or something. Peter could have saved this with an L-bomb, but decides to just say he is “very happy.” Sounds like someone doesn’t want to go to law school.

1. Was the guy’s outfit on point? Not only was his outfit timeless, he displayed tremendous body heat regulation by not sweating through the grey shirt on a balmy day. But I’m going to have to scoop out a couple points for unnecessary collarbone exposure. 23/25.

2. Was the activity fun? 3/25. Walking around a farmers market and making both your date and your friends feel uncomfortable at a get together? Doesn’t sound very fun.

3. Was the family a good sport? 12/25. Peter’s niece did the yeoman’s work of making Peter seem like he would be a fun and loving dad. Peter’s mom undid a lot of that good work in her convo with Rachel. In all, it was kind of a wash.

4. Did the guy say the L word? 0/25. Nope. Not even a preemptory “I can see myself falling in L with you.” Big loss.

So Peter ends up with a raw score of 38, giving him a 140.

Hometown with Dean in Aspen, CO

Dean, last week, mentioned his dad’s growing eccentricity. Must be something in the Aspen water, because Dean’s outfit is extremely eccentric.

What’s going on man? You can go classic with a button-down blue oxford, you can go crunchy with that weird alpaca hoodie thing and way too many bracelets, or you can go contemporary, with a tight maroon pants that cut off half-way up your shins. Doing all three together is the definition of eccentricity, my mans.

Anyway, Dean is not from the beer-flows-like-wine part of Aspen, but the rural outskirts. So they put on like, children’s bicycle helmets and ride ATVs to a champagne hale-barrel picnic.

The big issue, as mentioned last week, is Dean’s estranged father. If this were a normal relationship, you probably wouldn’t be meeting your SO’s family after a couple months of dating, much less forcing your SO to visit an estranged family member, much less doing all of that when you’re also dating three other guys. But that’s not how we do things on The Bachelorette.

Dean’s dad is a converted Sikh, which certainly doesn’t make him eccentric. And he seems pretty chill throughout the early parts of the date. He plays a gong for everyone, which sounds oddly soothing (and is some low-key promo for ABC’s The Gong Show). He gifts feathers to Dean and Rachel to represent the bond he and Dean had with Dean’s late mother. He makes them a macrobiotic meal, which, I mean, doesn’t look great, but I’m sure was delicious.

But then Dean and his dad gather for some “one on one” time, and things get super rocky (mountains) from there. There’s clearly a lot of unresolved issues and resentment between them, and it’s tough to watch unfold, much less make jokes about. Fortunately, Dean’s dad remains cordial with Rachel, but more or less kicks the cameras off his property.

Dean does admit that he is “falling in love” with Rachel, which will net him some much needed points in the fourth category.

1. Was the guy’s outfit on point? He gets the worst outfit of the night dishonors with a weird mishmash of office casual, crunchy surf bro, and streetwear doofus. 2/25.

2. Was the activity fun? 10/25. ATV’s look moderately fun to me. It also seemed like they were going pretty slow. I’m all in on gongs now though.

3. Was the family a good sport? Not really the family’s fault, per se, but I can’t say that airing out deep-seated resentments is the best look. This definitely hurt Dean’s chances. 3 bonus points for having a brother named Ross. 3/25.

4. Did the guy say the L word? 13/25. He gets halfway there with a, “I’m falling in love with you,” the present continuous hedge that only exists on this show.

So Dean ends up with a raw score of 28, giving him a paltry 131.

Rose Ceremony

At the rose ceremony in Rachel’s hometown of Dallas, Rachel can’t ignore the math. Dean will not be admitted into the fantasy suites. Upon rejection, Dean transmogrifies into a giant opalescent tear, and is immediately purchased by Jerry Jones and displayed prominently in the art museum at AT&T Stadium.

The Logical Rose-ning Section: Your Recap of The Bachelorette, Episode 7 was originally published on LSAT Blog

#LSAT #The Bachelorette #The Logical Rose-ning Section #trent teti #lsat

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knockoutlives · 8 years ago

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We Start With Stars In Our Eyes.

“You have a what?!?”

“A date, he's a guy I met at the park. I dunno, there was just a spark. Like we've met before. It's probably nothing asides a one night thing.”

“A One Night Thing? Spencer James! I don't want to hear anything like that!”

“Relax Abby! I don't mean sex, I just mean. He probably lives down here, and I'm up in Philadelphia. So asides this one date I doubt I'll see him again unless I'm here.”

“Well as you know I'm not opposed to seeing my favorite nephew more often…”

“...She's actually not kidding, I know I can sometimes be a downer. But, she gets more excited to see you then her own son” said a voice coming into the kitchen.

Spencer looked down at the glass of water and then looked towards his cousin. Kevin stood in the doorway in a pair of sweatpants and an oversized hoodie. The boy hadn't really kept up with appearance as of lately. Due to his relationships, “break”.

“That's not true, I love being around both you boys!” Abigail said from her seat across the counter from Spencer. “But. Because you were asleep when Spence got in last night, I'm going to let you two catch up and go check on Sam and Joe, and make sure their homework is actually getting done. You both know, if they don't actually work they'll be at eachother's throats” Abigail smiled and squeezed Spencer's shoulder, as she left the table and kissed Kevin on the cheek, before leaving the kitchen, feeling the air of the room shift almost immediately.

The tension in the room that seemed to amplify as Abigail left and continued to grow, up until Kevin spoke from the sink where he was pouring himself a glass of water, eyes facing the window in front of him, clearly not fully present on the room. Snapping out of the daze, Kevin spoke.

“I left him. Not the other way around, if that's what you're thinking. I mean. Everyone seems to think that, when they hear that we're on a break. How could Prima, the love struck doe, leave the reformed man slut that is Mak MacArthur? It's always written on their faces, even when they don't ask. But, it was easy. I told him to get out.”

“I mean…”Spencer took a breathe, this wasn't how he was planning to ask his cousin how the break happened. He originally planned on avoiding the conversation, until it was just awkwardly there staring them in the face. But, clearly Prima wanted to rip that band-aid off, with whatever skin was attached to it. “...yes I grew close to Mak. But, you're blood Kev. Your feelings are more important to me then his.” Spencer got up from his chair and leaned on the counter next to Kevin, “He did try to talk to me a few weeks ago. Maybe, a week or two after your breakup but, I didn't respond or answer him. It wasn't my place to get involved.” The younger boy sighed softly as he placed his hand on the older's shoulder.

Kevin tensed slightly under Spencer's touch, and then turned to his cousin. His eyes were glassed over, and Spencer couldn't help but pull the older boy into a hug. “Listen, whatever happens to you and Mak. I'm gonna be here to help you pick up any pieces on the ground. Even if that means dragging your ass up to Philadelphia and keeping you there for some time. Hell, I'll even bring you up to see Vinny in New York if you want. Last I saw online he and Troi were living together, and had a pretty nice place. Whatever will help you, I'm here and so are the others. We love you.”

Kevin took a deep breathe into Spencer's shoulder, and let the floodgates loose on his cousin's shoulder while he was being reassured. Sniffling he removed his tear stained eyes and looked up at Spencer admiring how much his younger cousin had grown in the past few years. His eyes scanning Spencer's face,and the landing in the damp shoulder his face had just been burried in.

”I'm sorry.”

A soft laugh escaped Spencer's throat and he smiled. “I have to change anyway, so let it all out if you have too”

“I heard...you're seeing Josh again? I thought that didn't end too well.”

“Oh no, not Josh. Though I did awkwardly run into him at Starbucks earlier.”

Kevin laughed softly and grabbed Spencer's glass of water from the counter for a drink, before wiping his eyes again with his hand. “Was my idea, of setting you two up that bad of an idea? I mean he's only four years younger than you. It couldn't have been THAT bad. I mean you still haven't told me about what even happened on that date.”

“And that's a story for another time, because I'm not even going to try to explain to you how it went. Ever heard of the Nighthold Raid? Or, the Emerald Dungeon or something like that? No, neither did I. And it just got better…..” Spencer sighed as he started out of the kitchen with Kevin a few steps behind.

“Now, I need you to help me get ready for tonight.”

~~~~~

“Relax, it's just a date.” Spencer whispered to himself as he looked into the mirror and ran a hand through his silver hair. He for once was glad he had packed an extra outfit or two. Years ago his mother had began drilling it into his head; always pack an extra set of clothes to impress. You never know when you're going to be put on the spot. He laughed at the thought of his mother, which in turn also calmed himself down slightly.

Normally he didn't give any real thought to his outfits. If he was going to class or to the studio he didn't really care about his appearance. Though, he always looked put together, even if his jeans had paint stains down the legs or his band tees were overly wrinkled, it was him. Though he couldn't lie; he enjoyed getting the care packages from his aunt with all the new samples her boutique had.

“Earth to Spencer….you awake in there? Because if you're accepting what you wearing right now I'm going to get my mother to go into total makeover mode”

Snapping out of his thoughts Spencer turned away from the mirror and towards his cousin. “No, Abby isn't needed at all, jerk” he said with a laugh as he playfully threw his black t shirt at his cousin. “You know if she came in to help, she'd change her mind fifteen times and Adam would be waiting on me for an extra hour, minimum.”

“Oh? So this mystery man, is picking you up from the house?”

“Yes, and soon.” Spencer said as he grabbed his phone from next to Kevin to check the time fast. 7:45 “Fuck.” he mumbled disappearing into his rooms bathroom and closing the door halfway behind him to still hear Kevin.

“Are you even going to tell me about him? Even his name?”

From the bathroom Spencer sighed as he dropped his black basketball shorts and boxers, laughing at himself internally. Are you really changing into more appropriate underwear? Just to potentially look good if the night goes there? Yes. Sliding a pair of simple black Calvin Klein trunks onto his lower half, he looked in the medicine cabinet's mirror and sighed. All that confidence he had earlier at the park was gone, or at least hiding.

“His name is Adam, and honestly I can't tell you more asides that he plays soccer. Wether it's just a hobby, or what I will be finding out tonight. Notable features include dark beautiful hair, deep never ending ___ eyes, and a southern accent that I could used to hearing.”

“Says the boy who was just telling my mother, it'll probably be a one night thing. Did you put on your 'Im getting laid underwear’?”

With a grin on his face Spencer left the bathroom, now with a pair of faded jeans on (that hugged him in all the right places) and headed past Kevin to the mess of clothes spilling out of his suitcase. “Perhaps. All I’m going to say with that is don’t wait up for me.” “Spencer James!” Kevin said sitting up from the bed where he was laying, and looking over at Spencer as he pulled a tan polo shirt over his head. “Don’t be stupid.” “Kev, relax. I promise, I have no intention of sleeping with someone I just met. I mean, ya we joked about it. Like, flat out admitted to each other in not so many words, that I could easily take him down.” Spenders continued as he fastened a brown strapped watch to his wrist, and feeling a vibration come from his pocket.

Hey Handsome I'm on my way.

Unable to help it, Spencer started smiling and couldn't help rereading the simple text message over and over, as simple as the message was. It has felt like years since another guy had pined over him, nonetheless called him 'handsome’ without trying to get in his pants in years. Not that this couldn't be just a local woo-ing someone from out of town, with thoughts of getting lucky.

“The southern accent is common here right?” The smile dropping slightly from Spencer's lips. “Or, is it just by chance?”

As if knowing where his cousin was going, he stood up and smiled at Spencer, before turning him around and looking at the two of them in the mirror. “We're going to have one of those sappy moments in front of a mirror like they do in all those movies from the nineties.”

“We don't have to” Spencer said running a hand through his silver hair and sighing softly. “I mean he seems like a nice guy, so I'm just gonna wing it and see what happens.”

“Good, you deserve this.”

Spencer stepped away from the mirror and slipped his feet into a pair of brown leather shoes. “How do I look?” He asked turning around to face Kevin once more.

“I mean I've been looking at you for the last 15 minutes getting ready and I didn't correct your outfit once, I feel like that says alot right there. But, you look fine. If this guy's doesn't at least try to put any type of moves on you, he's gotta be straight.,”

Feeling his phone vibrate once more in his pocket l, Spencer looked down at the notification on his screen;

Here.

“Oh. My. Ferrari.”

Hearing his cousin's statement Spencer joined him by the window and let his jaw drop slightly gazing down at the gorgeous red car at the curb. What am I getting myself into. Before he could comprehend his thoughts, or the fact that the driver was no longer in the car, Spencer heard the doorbell ring.

“I’ll get it!” Kevin almost shouted as he started for the door to head down the stairs to the front door.

“To hell you will” Spencer said as he shoved past his cousin, through the doorway, and down the stairs. Almost tripping over himself every step of the way, he straightened himself out arriving at the landing and proceeded to walk the final steps to the front door.

Through the frosted glass he could could only make out the shape of Adam as he took a fast breathe to try and center himself one last time. This was the first time anyone had met him at the door. Usually, even with his friends back home there was the stereotypical 'here.’ text and then he made his way to the car, or the outside of his building. Granted it was a total different type of situation then the one that was playing out before him, but this alone made him giddy on the inside. Someone was actually acting chivalrous, towards him.

“Open the damn door!” Kevin all but hissed from a safe spot on the staircase to observe.

In one fluid motion, Spencer reached for the door and tugged on it lightly.

“Hey there”

#spadam #spencer knowles #adam everett #spencerxadam #WeStartWithStarsInOurEyes

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

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‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Hi My Name Is Tyranny And Im An Alcoholic

Hello everyone. I would like to thank my loyal followers for questioning my whereabouts on Twitter. I was actually on vacation, because Im not poor. Sorry, but watching these morons was just not a fucking option. I was zen AF and I dont need Carolinas crocodile tears ruining it, k thx.

ANYWAYS, so onto the episode. It was kind of eh, Im going to be honest. If youre looking for another reason to be annoyed by Giannas existence though, then it def delivered.

AFTER THE MATCH CEREMONY

They are all pumped about getting four beams. In fact, if you took a shot for every time someone said four fucking beams youd need to get stomach pumped four fucking times.

Tyranny is like Ossssssssssssssssvaldo is my match. Honestly can we just cut the accent though? Hes from Chicago for gods sake, not Italy.

Oswaldo is not so sure. Hes like she could be my match! Or she isnt! Yeah, thats pretty much how life works, actually.

Also, can we acknowledge the giant-ass drink Tee has the whole time? That cup is actually my favorite cast member this season.

Carolina and Hayden start having a pillow fight because FOUR FUCKING BEAMS, AMIRIGHT?

Now Carolina is very suddenly into Hayden. Carolinas emotions give me whiplash. Betsy DeVos nomination was more certain than this bitch.

Gianna is like “OH NO. NOT TODAY. I DID NOT LEAVE THE SOUTHSIDE FOR THIS.” Shes like I’M GOING TO CONTINUE TO PURSUE THIS MAN WHO TREATS ME SO WELL. Even though they are a confirmed no match. Makes total sense.

So you unfriend-zoned him to cock block him? Seems v fair. So when you go to sleep, do you leave Haydens balls under your pillow or on your nightstand? Let me know.

*Starts Twitter Poll* Is Gianna hot? Yes or No?

Tyler apologizes to Taylor and is like “I have no excuse for being the ‘big bad wolf’ in this.” So youre eating peoples grandmas now? Very Hannibal Lecter-chic. Not sure Tyler understands that hes referencing a fairytale, but hes pretty so well overlook it.

Hes like these girls are all over me wah, life is hard.

TAYLOR: Im mad *looks at Tylers beautiful face* but Im not like, thatttt mad

Hes like Im not that guy, you know that! Shes like,

TYLER: I want to dump Shannon and date you

EVERYONE AT HOME:

Gianna goes to have a talk with Hayden, which she announces for everyone to know. Shes from the Midwest, okay? Shes not used to this whole having brains thing, cut her some slack!

GIANNA: HEY CAMERA GUY IM GOING TO HAVE A TALK WITH HAYDEN ALSO GIANNA: were very low-key shhhh

Little Mike is like this is bullshit, they are not a match, they need to stop and its like SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK.

GIANNA: I dont want to stop you from doing something but stop fucking doing it. (Im not even making that up, thats an exact quote) HAYDEN: But I need to play the game GIANNA: Did I fucking stutter

So Hayden has relocated from friendzone island to being a little bitch island. Need a house warming gift, Hayden? Ill get you crowbar so you can pull your head out of your ass. Youre welcome.

Gianna and Hayden have sex, giving life to the newest Trump supporter Im sure. Carolina sees all of this and is like wtffffff. Shes like, totally in love with Hayden! Like, they spoke for a whole 10 minutes. Didnt that mean anything to him?

Andre is like “IF THEY FUCK THIS UP IM GOING TO BE PISSED” and Im like do it. Get mad. You wont. No balls.

Honestly, Gianna could probs take Andre in a fight. That girl should be a fuckin prison warden.

THE CHALLENGE

The challenge this week is for the dudes. The guys have to spin themselves and then go through an obstacle course. Then they have to shoot a basketball into the hoop of the girl they want to date. The person who shoots the third basketball in the hoop wins the date.

challenges sound like the hazing the gay frats do. Its all v weak.

The guys start the game and are falling all over the place. *plays Ed Sheeran*

Hayden is like, fuck it. Fuck this game. Idfc anymore, Im here for Gianna.

HAYDEN:I love Gianna

ME:

He decides to help Oswaldo win a date with Tee. See heres the thingI like Hayden, but I also think hes being very dumb. Its a hard spot for me rn. Really struggling.

Tee being proud of Oswaldo for winning is like Trump being proud of winning president. We all know he couldnt have won without Hayden/Russia.

Derrick and Joey are trying to win Rush Boobss date. Derrick wants to win because fuck Joey. Theyre shooting for legit five minutes. Seriously, Ive seen better shots from . When is the last time you played basketball? Third grade? Derricks like I played division I basketball! which sounds like an alternative fact to me.

Joey wins. So its Osvaldo/Tee and Joey/Rush Boobs.

Ryan tells them they are going to trapeze and Tee is like Im black, I shouldnt be in the air. How did you get to the Dominican Republic? Drive? Horseback? I didnt know your skin color made you less aerodynamic. I just saw and honestly, Im a fucking scientist now.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Lets all agree that Tee is low-key alcoholic. Shes constantly sipping from that big-ass cup and it seems like they have a good connection. Could that be her match?

Eddie is talking to Alicia about how he is poor and shes like “LOL not me, cant relate to you peasant.” Eddie, you need to get your ass over to Kam where you fucking belong. Know your fucking place. Do not fuck this up for me, Eddie.

Tyler is trying to break up with Shannon and it is a train fucking wreck. Hes like I need to do the right thing and leave you. He actually stole the whole speech from Gabriella in .

REAL PICTURE OF TYLER:

Shannon is like “I feel dumb.” And she should, because she just got played. I feel bad for Shannon. Her voice makes me want to take a waltz off a bridge, but I do feel things, kind of.

Tylers like I didnt realize girls have feelings and get mad when you treat them poorly. Thats like saying I didnt know when you light shit on fire, it gets hot.

Meanwhile, Tee is very much trying to date rape Osvaldo. Its creepy tbh. If a guy was doing that to a girl on this show I would be dialing 911 by now. Tee, knock it off, it’s super gross.

They go to the boom boom room and literally boom boom because they break something. Oswaldo, way to not hold your ground.

Kam is oiling Eddie up and being goofy. I needed this.

Shes like I know Alicia and Eddy have a good friendship, Im not getting territorial, because this is a game show. I LOVE YOU KAM, I AM STARTING YOUR FAN CLUB. Shes so rational. Everyone be like her please.

THE DATE

Oswaldo is like this date will take our relationship to the next level, even though it already has gone to the next level. *wink, wink* I remember when I lost my virginity. We get it, you had sex.

They go to the trapeze place and Oswaldo is like Hopefully I dont break my neck. Thats a pretty reasonable goal.

They all are like surprisingly good at this. Even Tee, whose blackness surprisingly does not hinder her capabilities. Its a miracle.

Oswaldo and Tee are like being lovey-dovey because they fucked that one time. Hes like shes not trying to rape me and I like this side of her. I too am a big fan of the people who dont try and sexually assault me. Weird.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

Ryan comes in hot and asks about the no matches, aka Gianna and Hayden, still hooking up.

Giannas like HOW IS THIS OUR FAULT??? Uh, youre a confirmed no match and youre hooking up. I feel like Im taking crazy pills. Leave the dumb shit to Rush Boobs, please god.

The house is like, “ugh we hate you, lets just get this shit over with.” Thats how I felt with pledges in my sorority.

Tyranny and Oswaldo go to the truth booth because duh.

OSWALDO: Im excited to learn if were a match and really connect on a deeper level. TEE: Im tryna fuck.

Im stressed because Tee will def die of alcohol poisoning tonight if this doesnt work out. And what do you know, NO MATCH.

Tee was like I was falling in love with him. Shes crying. Hes crying. This is depressing. Did I accidentally sit on the remote and turn on ?

Oswaldo starts boxing while Andre is talking him down and all the guys hug him. Wow, I love the bromance. What I love more is that eventually one of them will try and fight another. #Drama

After everything, Tyler and Shannon are still hanging out. Whats Tylers favorite thing about Shannon? She isnt Taylor. Hes got high standards, ya know? #FourFuckingBeams

Taylor is like youre fucked up. And hes like why, because Im having a conversation?

Ugh Taylor, this paaaaains me to say, because I usually automatically side with the hot girl, but hes low-key right. You need to chill out and move on. Hes not worth it, dude. Hes just not.

Andre asks Taylor wtf shes doing with Tyler and Im like YAS KEEP THIS UP.

Andre is like actually, we like each other, Taylor. And shes like wait, yeah we do. WTF is this Jedi mind control shit Andre has.

ANDRE: *swinging coin back and forth* you are getting very sleepy.. and youre going to fuck me TAYLOR: *eyes glazed* yes, master

He says that she should be a Victorias Secret Model and honestly she should marry him just for that. Like thats compliment of the goddam century.

THE MATCHUP CEREMONY

Its the boys pick tonight. Please note that last time they blacked out harder than Tee does on any given weeknight.

Little Mike gets the ball rollin the wrong way and picks Kam.

Mikes like following our heart doesnt work. Hes like we should venture off, and though thats noble, maaaaaaybe not at the match ceremony. Thats like Michael Phelps being like LOOK FREESTYLE JUST DOESNT WORK right before the 4×100 relay.

Ozzy picks Hannah.

Oswaldo is up next and hes like “I GOTTA DO ME.” He picks Taylor.

Ryan asks Taylor how she feels about Tyler and shes like whos Tyler? Andre and her give each other looks and Im like OKAY YES IM HERE FOR THIS SHIT.

Ryans like Andre, do you wish you were with her and hes like Im practicing my patience. Whatever the fuck that means.

Oswaldo is like standing next to her like, lol just fuck me, right?

Andre picks Casandra.

Eddy picks Alicia and is like this is my homie.

KAM: I AM NOT WORRIED. ARE YOU WORRIED, BECAUSE I AM NOT WORRIED!!! *twitches*

Joey picks Rush boobs.

Derrick picks Gianna. Weird.

Tylers up and fucking moseys up to the front. Goddam hes like a walking Shakespeare playtragically beautiful.

Hes like Ryan, let me speak and Ryans like I didnt even say anything, but ok.

Tyler goes off about how he was painted as the villain and how he is innocent and how all this Taylor shit is fake news and the failing lamestream media is spreading false rumors!!! Sad!

Ryan asks Tyler who he likes more, Shannon or Taylor and Tyler picks Shannon.

RYAN: Do you think Tyler is your match? SHANNON: IDK RYAN: Is Taylor his match? SHANNON: IDK RYAN: Is the world round? SHANNON: IDK

Tylers talking about his breakup with Taylor and is like it sucks because you cant delete people in the real world. This is the first thing that I agree with him on. Dont worry Tyler, Ive watched . Well get to that point someday.

Michael picks KARI. Is it Carrie or KAAAAAARI? I have been saying KAAAAARI. Please DM some confirmation.

Hayden is next. Hayden tells the group that him and Gianna are affecting the game and they are going to stop screwing everyone over.

Gianna is like “WTF. WHO TOLD HIM HE COULD SPEAK? WHO LET HIM OUT OF HIS CAGE?” He picks Carolina. Hehe.

Jaylen and Tee are last. Tee is really bummed about Oswaldo and Ryan is like, “bitch its week four.”

These couples are random AF but idk Im drunk and just here to shit talk. Dont give that much of a fuck.

No blackout, so thats good. They get four beams again. Cant wait to hear them talk about it incessantly.