#he finally caught onto Eddie being weird about Ana

[facewithoutheart]

Mister Face: I like the Buck and the clipboard meme

[libraryofloveletters]

pools of honey and ocean blue

Eddie Diaz x Evan Buckley 

Warnings: mentions of loss of spouse, love confessions, lil awkwardness, alcohol and the consumption of. 

Category: Angst/Fluff

Word Count: 2.7k

Author’s note: I'll throw hands if any of you anything bad about Ana, she’s cool but I just wrote this, this way // @suburban--gothic this ones for you since I got you hooked <3

----- 

“I love you.” 

The sudden unprompted confession of love had caught everyone off guard. He sat across from him at the dinner table, the entire team now exchanging glances between Buck and Eddie.

The tension between Buck and Eddie was thick enough to cut with a knife, weighing heavy on their shoulders. His brown eyes staring straight into his blue ones. 

If looks could kill. 

Ana sat smiling beside Eddie, her brown eyes gleaming with hope, happiness, everything Eddie had been searching for these last few months. 

There were a couple issues at hand right now. 

Ana had just confessed her love for him, in front of the entire team. 

He hadn't heard those 3 words from anyone other than Christoper and his Abuela since Shannon. 

Eddie did care about her but she wasn't the one he was in love with. 

----

The day Eddie joined the 118, he felt like he belonged. Like he had finally found his place in the world and soon came to realize that everyone else there felt the same way, especially Buck- the golden boy. 

The same golden boy that had worked his way into his heart and into his life. 

Their first 24 hours together were absolute hell- they were in a constant state of competition, measuring god knows what but by the end of it, everyone could see that they were meant to be together, everyone but them of course. 

Months go by, Buck and Eddie are practically raising Christopher together with the help of Carla, Eddie’s abuela and his aunt. Eddie reaches out to Shannon to get Christoper into the new school he was looking into.

Buck would be lying if he said that he didn’t feel a hint of jealousy, especially when they took Christopher to see Santa and Eddie just casually mentioned that he slept with Shannon. 

Buck didn’t hold it against him, he gave him an answer and moved on. 

He didn’t really get a chance to get to know Shannon but from the little that he did know, he knew that she made them happy- both Eddie and Christoper and that’s all Buck could hope for because no matter how much he loved Eddie, he couldn’t bring himself to tell him, not while he was happy and still very much in love with her.

No matter how involved he was in Christoper’s life, he knew that he would never be her. 

Shannon was and will always be the mother of his child, the woman he loved until her last dying breath. 

He could never amount to what she was, even if she hadn't been around. 

Buck watched as Eddie grieves and lashed out at the world, he watched as Eddie’s recently found happiness fizzled out. Buck couldn't force Eddie to talk to him, he couldn't ask him what was going on until he did. 

A Saturday night being spent at the Diaz residence, the little one now tucked into bed when Eddie returned to the kitchen, Buck handing his friend a beer. The two men drank in silence until Buck asked him the question he was dreading to hear. 

“How are you?” 

“Fine.” 

The one word answer was the only thing he could manage to say without breaking down. Eddie held himself together, Christoper was relying on him and he knew that, if he wasn’t going to be strong for himself than he had to be for Chris. 

Buck knew him better than he thought, him being fine after what happened was 110% utter bullshit and everyone including Eddie knew that. 

“Just fine?” Buck pried, Eddie wanted to tell him everything- to break down and finally let it off his chest but he didn’t. Instead he nodded and repeated his answer, “fine.” 

The rest of the night was spent on the couch, the empty beer bottles scattered across the table along with a half eaten, disregarded bowl of chips. Eddie sighed as Buck scrolled through Netflix looking for something to watch. 

“She thought she was pregnant” Eddie mumbled, barely above a whisper. Buck almost missed what he said. 

He looked over at the brunette, his heart hurting for his friend. “Was she?” he whispers back an answer, afraid that if he said it louder that Eddie might break. 

Eddie shook his head, his shoulders hung as he leant forward. He was ready to talk but he couldn’t physically bring himself to look at him and say it. “The day she told me, I was ready to try again. The thought of having another child made me.. I don't know, I felt like things were starting to finally fall into place, you know?” 

A heavy sigh left his lips, Buck’s heart broke a million times over for Eddie- if he felt that way just hearing it, he couldn't imagine how Eddie felt. 

“I invited her out for dinner, to tell her that I wanted to try again but she said she wanted a divorce, and that she wasn't pregnant. I couldn’t wrap my head around it, how did we go from almost becoming a family to being strangers again?” Eddie leant back, sinking into the couch cushions. Buck’s brows furrowed, a slight pout on his lips, Eddie’s stomach turned. 

“Don’t.” he warns him, getting up off the couch. Eddie stood in front of Buck, his arms folded. Eddie’s expression was similar to that of his friend’s - furrowed brows but a scowl present rather than a pout. 

Buck watched his friend, the way his little forehead lines popped up whenever his brows furrowed. Eddie looked older, his youthfulness disappearing as the months passed by- it didn’t mean that he was any different. To Buck, Eddie was the handsomest man on the planet and nothing would change that. 

“Don’t what?” Buck’s expression softened, Eddie shook his head. “Don’t give me that look- don’t pity me. I’m fine.” Eddie spat, his words coming off harsh then intended. 

“I didn’t say you weren't” Buck answers, looking up at him. Eddie walked away, leaving him on the couch. It was a few moments before he heard Eddie’s bedroom door shut. He sighed, he knew he could stay and Eddie wouldn't say anything but he felt like he should go, it wasn't right. 

A folded piece of paper was left on the kitchen table, Eddie’s name scrawled onto it. 

‘Headed home, didn’t feel right to stay. Have all the space and time you need. If you and Chris are still up for it, we can go to the zoo tomorrow, if not it’s cool or maybe Chris and I can go by ourselves, give you the day to yourself. 

Let me know. 

Buck.’ 

----

“I love you” 

The 3 words ringing in his head, he could feel the eyes burning into him- his team all looking at him and at Buck. As well as Ana, who was looking at him for an answer and Athena who had just arrived from work and was looking toward everyone for an answer. 

He knew he had to answer her, it’d be weird if he didn’t. 

“Thanks” he mumbled, his attention back on his plate. 

Maybe he should have pretended he didn’t hear her instead. 

Chimney coughed as he choked on his water, he glanced at the man sitting across from him who gave him an apologetic look. Eddie’s answer caught everyone off guard- Hen’s brows raised, Bobby and Athena’s shifty glanced towards each other and to Buck, and Buck himself, the man whose ocean blue eyes were staring right back at his honey brown ones. 

Ana cleared her throat, Eddie looked at her. Her brows furrowed slightly but Eddie didn’t say anything. Ana knew what this meant- truthfully, she hadn't meant to say that but it just sort of slipped out. The relationship was still new and she didn’t want to scare him off. 

She also knew that Eddie wasn't in love with her, rather he was in love with the blonde man at the end of the table, the same man that was staring at her boyfriend. 

“Bobby,” Ana speaks up, “Thank you for having me but I'll be going now.” 

“Are you sure you can't stay for dessert ? I have brownies in the oven” he asks her with a smile on his face. 

“Thank you, but I can’t. I’ve got some paperwork that needs to be to the board by tomorrow. Maybe another time” she smiles at him and he nods. 

“Well thanks for joining us, it was nice to meet you.” 

Everyone watches as Ana gets up from the table, her hand placing on Eddie’s shoulder, letting him know that she’s leaving. “I’ll walk you out” he also gets up, his hand on her lower back as they make their way to the stairs. 

As soon as they reach the parking lot, she turns to him. “I’m sorry” they both say to each other at the same time. 

“What are you sorry for?” he asks her. If anyone was in the wrong, it was him. 

“For blurting out that I loved you in front of your entire team- especially when I know I'm not the one you’re in love with” a small smile on her lips, her hand patting his chest. 

“Ana-” Eddie was shocked, she knew? Of course she knew. She worked with children, children lie all the time, the fact that he thought she didn’t was stupid. 

“No, I know.” Ana sighs but smiles. “I never meant to hurt you” Eddie tells her, she can hear the sincerity in his voice. 

“I know that too- you can't help who you fall in love with, Edmundo. If it’s him, tell him.” She looks up at the man in front of her, pressing a kiss to his cheek. Her hand still against his chest, his hand now on top of her. 

She steps away, Eddie’s hand holding her back from moving further. He was looking at her like a lost puppy. 

“Him?” he questions, the one word coming off so dumbfounded. 

Ana chuckled at his obliviousness. “Buck- Everyone can see the way the two of you look at each other, everyone except you apparently” she chuckles once more. Eddie loosens his hold on her hand, she's now by her car with the door open. 

“Text me sometime, just cause this didn’t work doesn't mean we can't be friends” she flashes him a smile before getting in the car. Eddie watches as Ana pulls out of the parking lot, he even waves to her but her words catch him off guard. 

He stood in the middle of the parking lot, staring off into space. The sound of the alarm going off snapped him out of his empty thoughts. He ran back in, Buck coming down the stairs just as he re-enters the building. 

“You okay man ?” Buck stops at the bottom of the stairs, Eddie nods. “Yeah, I'm okay” he tells him, Buck pats his shoulder and runs off to get his gear. Eddie pauses for a moment before following Buck. 

---- 

7am. 

Shift doesn’t start until 9 but he couldn’t sleep.

Eddie paces through his house until he hears the knock on the door. He pulls the door open, partially hoping it’s Buck but is met with Carla instead. 

“Morning sugar” she steps in, Eddie hums and goes back to pacing. 

She shuts the door quietly, stepping past him and heads to the kitchen to make herself come coffee. 

“Is little man still sleeping?” she calls out to Eddie who’s now pacing by the entryway of the kitchen, he hums again. 

She had only been there for a few minutes but she already knows something’s on his mind. 

“Alright soldier, sit. Let’s talk” she takes a seat at the table, Eddie keeps pacing. Her look catches his glance, a pointed look with a brow raised- Eddie sits across from her. 

“What’s on your mind ?” she gets back up when the kettle goes off, making a cup of coffee for herself and a cup of tea for Eddie. Eddie sighs, his head resting flat on the table, “love sucks” he groans when he lifts his head back up. 

She laughs softly, “trouble with your girl ?” “not exactly” he looks up at her. She sits down again, waiting for Eddie to explain what he meant by that. “Ana let it slip that she loves me when we were at dinner with the team, I said thanks” he groaned once more. 

Carla bit the inside of her cheek, resisting the urge to laugh, “you said thanks ?” she asks, coughing to stifle a laugh. 

“I apologized to her and she said that I should tell him that I love him and not her” 

“Buck ?” she sips her coffee, Eddie was once again, shocked. 

“You know?” 

“Honey, I've known from the day I met you.” Eddie hums, seems that everyone realized but him. “She’s right though- you should tell him before it's too late. Life’s short Eddie.” 

Eddie sprung up from his seat, he rounded the table and cupped Carla’s face. “You’re right, you’re so right” he kisses her forehead before grabbing his keys, “I’ll be back in time for school!” he shouts on his face out the door. Carla laughed, the poor man was now realizing that he was in love after 4 years - better late than sorry. 

--- 

The door opens, Buck’s hair dishevelled and a pair of sweatpants hung on his waist. “Eddie ?” Buck blinks back the tiredness, it was clear that he only just woken up. 

“I love you” Eddie blurts out before he loses the courage to tell him. 

“Ed- What ?” Buck looked at his friend like he was a crazy person- although he had been waiting to hear those words, he was confused as to what brought on the sudden confession. 

Eddie pushed past Buck, stepping into the apartment. He paced for a moment  before turning to Buck, who was now leant against the closed door. 

“I love you and before you say anything, I know this is crazy” Eddie says, Buck hums, listening to him. 

“I’ve been in love with you for the last- god I don't even know. I’ve recently realized that the reason you’re always around is because I love you and so does Christopher but I just- everyone seems to see how in love we are and life is too short to not tell those you love that you love them. So here I am,” Eddie glances at the clock, “7:47 in the morning to tell you that I love you.” he sighs. It feels like a weight had been lifted off his chest. 

Buck studied the man in front of him, the same dishevelled hair from sleep, a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, not exactly a typical ‘going out Eddie Diaz’ outfit. 

Buck smiled, stepping towards Eddie. “Did you roll out of bed and have that epiphany?” 

“um, not exactly. I was in the kitchen with Carla” he admits, Buck hums. “Do you have any idea how long I have been waiting to hear those words ?” he’s now in front of Eddie. 

“No, but I’m glad I said them” Eddie smiles, Buck’s hands cupping his face and his forehead rests against his. 

“Tell me again” Buck says, barely above a whisper. 

“I have the rest of my life to tell you” 

“You’re the one that said life is short” he smiles, Eddie rolls his eyes playfully. 

“I love you Buck” 

“And I love you Eddie. 

---- 

taglist: @mrs-dr-reid​ @dralexreid​ @onceuponagayship​ @yelenabelous​ @ickletheficklepickle​ 

[potterbite]

falling slowly

five times people found out about eddie changing his will, seeing right through him, and the one time they both admitted what it meant. on ao3

Sometimes, Eddie’s confused when he’s called rude— or on one memorable occasion; a motherfucking shitface —because most of the time he only wants to make other people happy. Sure, that’s not always healthy either, but rude? No. So whenever it happens, it puzzles him a great deal, never quite understanding exactly what was done or said wrong.

On this occasion though, he has no problems seeing how he’s at fault. 

“Are you being an ass on purpose or is it for my benefit alone?” Ana spits, and he can’t really blame her for looking as if she wants to punch him in the face. 

The thing is, he’s been meaning to end things with her for ages— since before the shooting six weeks ago —but he can never find the right moment. Or, rather, timing is right but the words get stuck in his throat, fire burning through all of them until nothing but ashes and a fresh smile remains.  

The irritation he feels for himself bleeds through onto her, staining their conversations, all of them becoming stiff, sometimes as if two strangers talked. And he wants to get out of there, and he wants to stay with her forever just to bask in the easiness of it all, and he wants to kiss her to not have to say anything at all, and he wants her to end it so he doesn’t have to.

So when she took a stray potato from his plate and said, chewing, that maybe she should spend more time with Christopher in case Eddie ever had to work late, because that way she could help, and wouldn’t it be useful if the boy knew her better— well Eddie just lost his head completely. 

“Why? Carla or Buck can do that.” He heard the tone of his own voice, the acid not quite coming through, and he had wished it did. The coward in him had made him frown down at the empty plate to avoid meeting her eyes, instead looking at the remaining sauce for the two pieces of potato he’d saved for just that. Ana had taken them without asking. It wasn’t a big deal, and he didn’t mind sharing his food, and he was full anyway— but damn it, he had wanted those last potatoes for himself.

She laughed at his words, soft and easily. “Is Buck honestly the best option? He seems reckless.”

And at this, something had flashed before Eddie’s eyes, red and dangerous, and the words tasted like bile even before they left his lips. “Buck is Christopher’s legal guardian if something ever happens to me.”

This sentence acted as some kind of catalyst for their first— and only —fight, vicious words thrown back and forth in a battle neither seemed to win, but both wanted to end. 

So no, Eddie couldn’t blame Ana for calling him an ass. It’s also the very thing that casts him back into the correct plane of reality, a place where he prides himself in being a decent human being, someone his son can look up to. 

He forces himself to meet her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Her mouth opens and closes a few times. “W-what?”

“I said I’m sorry. For what I said and for not telling you.”

“I’m sorry too.” Her shoulders sag, and just like that this is the end between them and he knows he’s a coward for letting it be. “And for what it’s worth, you really should tell him.”

Abruptly, as if they’ve mutually agreed upon it, they go to the hallway where he reaches for the jacket he hung there an hour earlier. “I never wanted it to end this way.” This is the truth. 

“Me neither.” He can’t tell if she means it or not. 

“And I have told him,” he continues as he opens the front door, feeling the breeze from the warm night on his face. He’s about to let go of the handle when Ana’s hand closes over his.

“That’s not what I meant.”

She closes the door before he has the time to think of something to say— but honestly there’s nothing more to add. 

***

Eddie doesn’t tell anyone about the break-up. Not immediately anyway. It’s not that he regrets it, or feels sad about it; he’s not even all that remorseful about the way it went down. 

But almost a week later, it comes up when he and Chimney are alone in the kitchen, the others dozing by the tv. 

“Hey, Maddie is feeling better so I thought that maybe you and Ana want to come over this weekend? You can bring Chris.“

“Ah.” He scratches himself by the ear to buy some time, which is probably what tips Chim off. 

“Wait, are you not - ?”

Eddie flicks his eyes around the loft, but no one is close enough to overhear them anyway. “Nah, we broke up last week.”

“I’m sorry man.” Chim puts a gentle hand on his left shoulder and gives him a smile. “Are you okay?”

Eddie nods, because he is. “Yeah. It hasn’t been all that good since before the shooting to tell you the truth, and then we had a major fight after I told her that Buck will be the legal guardian of Chris if anything should happen to me.”

Almost a full minute goes by where Chim just stares open-mouthed at him, and Eddie doesn’t know what to do or say so he stays still, afraid of the gleeful surprise on Chim’s face. 

Finally, Chim blinks a couple of times. “Can I be there when you tell Hen?”

“Why?” Eddie frowns deep, not at all what he expected Chim to say. 

“Trust me. She can say what I can’t.”

“I don’t understand.”

At this, Chim gets a sympathetic smile on his face. “Oh, I know you don’t.”

And he goes to join the others. 

***

To his credit, Chim doesn’t appear to tell Hen what he and Eddie discussed. Unfortunately for Eddie, this means that he doesn’t get a chance to understand what Chim meant. Well, technically, he could just tell Hen and find out for himself, but he did keep this quiet for more than a year— and it was never an active choice, he just didn’t feel as if someone else needed to know, not even Buck at first (which, looking back, might’ve been an oversight on his part)— so speaking up about it now, without being prompted, seems strange, the words falling flat on his tongue. 

However, not even three days after telling Chimney, the moment presents itself in the form of Buck. 

Eddie, Hen and Chim are eating, their shift about to start, when Buck practically throws his entire body towards an available chair, slamming his ankle into one of the table legs, followed by some loud cursing.

As Eddie practically hears the collective eye roll from Chim and Hen, he chuckles. “You know, some of those words are illegal.”

“Ha ha,” Buck groans in response. “Don’t worry, when I have to raise Chris by myself, I’ll make sure he knows them all. I take my guardianship very seriously.” 

There’s a thump, and Eddie looks at Hen; the fork is dangling in the breeze of her open mouth, the food that was obviously just on it lying in the middle of her almost empty plate. 

 “Say what now?” One of her eyebrows is dangerously high up on her forehead. 

Buck looks comically from her, to Eddie, to Chim, and back again. “Um, yeah,” is all he replies. 

Sadly, this means Hen turns to Eddie instead, and he really wishes it weren’t so but he can feel himself shrink under her gaze. “Are you telling me you made Buck the legal guardian of your kid if something happened to you?” 

“No, Buck told you that,” he jokes, but not a muscle in her face reacts. “Yes, that’s what’ll happen if I die.”

She looks thoughtful— scarily so —as her eyes flits between him and Buck; Eddie can almost feel Chim vibrating in the chair next to his own. 

“I should’ve caught on sooner,” she says eventually.

“What?” Eddie’s dry mouth asks even though he doesn’t want to hear the answer. Buck, apparently, is more interested in eating than this conversation and starts picking stuff from Eddie’s plate. Somehow, Eddie doesn’t care. 

Hen smirks, and points a finger between him and Buck, and Eddie can feel his eyes bulging, feel the strange beating of his heart in his own ears, the sweat starting on his palms, and Hen’s smirk turns into an actual smile. 

She doesn’t elaborate, and when Buck looks up from the platter less than a minute later he seems oblivious to the exchange that has happened. 

As the bell goes off and they head toward the truck, Eddie dries his hands on his thighs and drowns out what’s going on inside his head; he’s too scared of all those things he already knows to be true, almost spoken out loud in words he does not yet have. 

***

By the time they get back to the station, Eddie has already figured out he needs to tell Bobby about this; it’s only a matter of time until someone slips up and Eddie really wants to be the one to tell his captain this. Not that he thinks it’s a big deal, but he’d feel weird about it if Bobby heard it from the probie. 

He knocks twice on the doorframe to Bobby’s office. Both of them have taken a shower and had something to eat, enjoying the blissful quiet between calls. 

Bobby looks up at Eddie over the brim of paper he’s holding. “Eddie! What can I do for you?”

Eddie, not knowing what to do with his hands, puts them in the pocket of his pants and takes a few steps into the room, making sure the door is closed. “I - uh, I wanted to talk to you about my will,” he starts.

Bobby nods, opening a cabinet next to the desk to look through some folders. “Have you changed it again since last year?”

Eddie just gapes. “What?”

“I have the copy in here somewhere,” Bobby mutters to himself. “Aha! There it is.” He presents the paper to Eddie, who accepts it. Sure enough, there’s a copy of the will he wrote after the last accident. 

“I didn’t know you had this.”

“Your attorney sent it to me. He figured since you gave me the old one, you’d want me to have the new one as well.”

Eddie nods.

“What did you want to tell me about the will?” Bobby looks so concerned that Eddie can’t help the huff of laughter that escapes him.

“Nothing. I wanted you to know about Buck, that's all.”

“Ah.” Those soul gazing eyes locks onto Eddie and he squirms. “I already know.”

Lost for anything to say to this, Eddie sinks down to the closest chair and they sit together in silence until he no longer feels as if those carefully constructed walls he built to contain all he has inside for Buck is crumbling down around him. Soon he’ll be standing in the ruins of a former fortress and the only one left to tell is Buck. Eddie’s just not sure he has the courage. 

***

Chris was the first one Eddie told, before he even signed the papers or anything. It just didn’t sit right with him to take this decision away from the boy. For weeks and weeks Eddie thought about the best way to bring it up, trying to come up with replies for all plausible scenarios. 

It was a Wednesday when he finally took the plunge.

“Hey buddy, can I ask you something?”

Chris had nodded happily. “What Dad?” 

“If I didn’t come home one day, if something bad happened to me, how do you feel about Buck taking care of you?”

Chris didn’t even think about it. Instead, he frowned deeply. “If you’re not here, why wouldn’t I live with Buck? He always takes care of us.”

Eddie had almost laughed with relief, not having foreseen this easiness at all. He ruffled Chris' hair and said, “No, you’re right. I agree.”

They didn’t talk about it again. 

***

It’s been almost three weeks since his break-up with Ana, and he still hasn’t told Buck. By now, he’s probably the only one that hasn’t figured it out, but Eddie doesn’t mind. In fact, he steers clear of relationship talk when they hang out; he doesn’t want to hear about how fantastic Taylor is, or what new adventures they’ve been up to. 

Strangely, it’s Bobby of all people that tells Buck. Or maybe Bobby tells Eddie, he’s not really sure. 

They find Bobby cooking when they start a long shift, all of them gliding towards the whiff of glorious food. 

“What’s the occasion?” Buck asks as he steals a green bean. 

“Nothing really. Just a happy meal with family.” Bobby stirs the giant pot and adds some spices. “With all the break-ups happening around here, I’m almost worried it’s contagious so I figured we needed an easy dinner together.” 

Eddie stiffens, but curiously enough so does Buck, shoulders rigid and face neutral. Instead, it’s Chim that speaks next. “What do you mean? Who else has broken up?”

“Well, Pannikar and his boyfriend, Eddie and Ana, and now Buck and Taylor,” Bobby says, gesturing towards each of them in turn. Everyone nods, as if nothing he said is brand new information. 

“You and Ana broke up?” The words are almost as quiet as a whisper, meant for Eddie alone while the rest set the table. 

Eddie nods. “You broke up with Taylor?”

“Yeah. Or we both did, I’m not sure.” He gets a deep frown between his eyebrows and the tips of Eddie’s fingers itch to smooth it out. He doesn’t. “We’re still friends though.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Buck tilts his head a little bit to the right, gazing at Eddie as if he’s a riddle to solve. 

Eddie shrugs. Of course, he knows very well why he didn’t say something to Buck but he can’t tell his best friend that— or can he?

Acting on pure impulse, he takes hold of Buck’s hand and drags him away from the kitchen, down the stairs and into their bunk room. He closes the door behind them, leaning on it, and turns to look at the other man; Buck is standing just out of arm's reach. In Eddie’s stomach someone is dancing the conga in circles, begging him to get the hell out of there before he says too much and ruins it all. He ignores this, swallowing hard. 

“Here’s the thing. I’ve been waiting for the right words to come to me, to figure out how to tell you what is apparently very obvious to everyone else. I mean, if I just mention how I changed my will, they all get this look in their eyes, and I know they know. And I don’t understand how you still don’t when I feel as if it’s written on my face.”

Buck is silent, and Eddie can’t even be sure his ramble made any sense whatsoever. He rests the back of his head against the door, waiting for Buck to say something, anything. The urge to get out of there is overwhelming, but the sound of Buck’s breathing is as well— harsh and quick breaths, shallow and full of emotions Eddie can’t place.

“I broke up with Taylor because I think I’m more into you than her,” Buck blurts suddenly, his eyes widening as if he never meant to say any of it. 

An urge to laugh bubbles up inside him, but he presses it down. “Buck.” The other man’s eyes snap to his. “I made you the sole guardian of my kid if I die.”

Eddie can’t tell who moves first— maybe they drift at the same time, two planets on a collision course — but somehow they meet in the middle, lips crashing together until it feels as if they’re fused together as one. He nibbles gently at Buck’s bottom lip, a gesture that makes Buck practically purr in response; Eddie can feel the vibration of it underneath his fingers, lying in a soft grip around Buck’s throat. 

In retaliation— reward? —Buck shuffles them back until Eddie hits the wall with a soft thump, and the quiet groan that escapes him is out of his control honestly. He can’t believe he ever thought that what he had with Ana was enough, not when this has been here the whole time, just waiting beneath the surface for someone to make the first move. 

When the alarm goes off, they don’t separate immediately; instead they sigh apart, Buck letting his forehead fall until it meets Eddie’s. 

“We really should talk about this,” Buck says, and he’s so close that his breath sends shivers across Eddie’s body. 

“Mhm,” Eddie agrees, opening his eyes to meet Buck’s. “But there will be plenty of time for that later.”

(When they get to the truck, Hen smirks at the pair of them when they get in. Eddie pointedly ignores her, but when his gaze lands on Buck he has to bite the inside of his cheek so as not to smile wide enough to crack his head in two.)

(They get around to talking. Later.)

[oliverstarked]

where I belong

[PG-13, 3.4k words]

"Buck's not sure of the exact moment that he knew Eddie was it for him, but it’s been that way for so long now it’s become a part of who he is. He used to be good at pretending his feelings didn’t exist, but he’s so tired these days."

A little bit of introspection, a lot of idiots in love.

[read on ao3]

The ocean is so beautiful at dawn. 

Under the soft pink-orange sky the water looks bruise-purple, whitecaps leaving foamy trails on the sand. The sun is only just peeking over the horizon, edging towards another gorgeous LA day. But before that begins, before the hustle and bustle and wailing sirens, Buck sits on the beach on the cold sand and feels caught in a moment so peaceful, so nice, just the squalling of gulls and the gentle crash of the waves for company. 

He pushes stale air out of his lungs and breathes the fresh in deeply. The chill feels good, raises goosebumps on his skin and reminds him that he’s alive. A reminder he’s needed a lot lately. He’s been struggling, even though his leg has healed, even though the tsunami is months behind him, even though his relationship with his 118 family is better than ever and he has no reason to be struggling. Nightmares come and go, cold sweats, little niggling thoughts that burrow their way into his brain throughout the day. 

He tries not to talk about it. There are so many people who have it worse than him and he doesn’t want to become some kind of social… leech around his friends, constantly draining them of energy by going on about his issues. You’re exhausting , Eddie said to him once. Buck knows it’s true, knows he takes inches and runs them into miles. His heart may be in the right place, sure, but he doesn’t know when to shut up, when to slow down. If there’s one thing his lawsuit mistake has taught him, it’s that his actions, his selfishness, has consequences on those around him. 

So what if he has bad dreams occasionally? He’s not a kid, he can look after himself. It’s more important right now that he’s there for his friends: asking Bobby how Michael’s doing, bridging the relationship between Chim and his brother, being there for Maddie always, listening to Hen talk about how Nia is settling in, being whatever Eddie needs to stop him doing stupid things again. It doesn’t leave a lot of room for his own problems.

It doesn’t matter. That’s just what Buck does for the people he loves.

The warmth of the sun creeps onto his face as it rises higher, prickling his skin. Buck squints into it, seeing nothing but gold, then sighs and gets to his feet. He brushes sand off the seat of his pants before slowly turning and making his way back up the beach. 

At least he gets to go to work. 

   Eddie’s getting changed when Buck walks into the locker room, and Buck manfully pretends he can’t see the miles of bare skin on display. Hen is sitting on the bench, laughing at something Eddie must have said, and it’s easy to grin at the two of them and say, “Well, good morning.”

“Hey,” Eddie smiles, shrugging into a t-shirt, thank god. 

“Buck, I have to show you this.” Hen holds her phone out, a video paused on the screen. Buck takes it, taps play. It’s Nia, holding onto Denny’s hands and bouncing up and down in time with her blonde curls, screeching in delight as a catchy pop song plays in the background. 

“That’s pretty damn cute,” Buck says. “When do I get to meet this li’l nugget?”

“Soon,” Hen tells him, slipping her phone back into her pocket. “It’s a lot for her, the social worker says we need to introduce new things and people gradually.”

Eddie, tucking his overshirt into his belt now, says, “Well, whenever you guys need a babysitter, hit us up. Chris and Denny can play and Buck and I will dote on that gorgeous girl.”

Hen snorts, looking between them. “Should you be volunteering Buck for that?”

Honestly, it didn’t even occur to Buck that he wouldn’t be there. The automatic assumption on Eddie’s part too makes him feel warmer than he did five minutes ago. 

“Hey, you know I’m down,” Buck beams, “you just name the day.”

Hen squeezes his arm as she heads towards the door. “Thanks boys, we will definitely take you up on that.”

When she’s gone, Buck finally moves towards his own locker to start getting changed. Eddie is still there, tapping away on his phone. Buck wonders if he’s texting Ana . If they’ve even reached the ‘exchanging numbers’ phase yet. 

“Hey, man, you wanna grab pizza tomorrow night? You, me, Chris and Mario Kart at my place?”

“Sure,” Eddie agrees, hardly glancing up, definitely distracted. “But, uh, Chris won’t be there, he’s got that overnight field trip at the observatory tomorrow.” 

Damn, Buck should have remembered that. Christopher had been chattering excitedly about it for a couple weeks now. Eddie had mentioned it several times too, although decidedly less excitedly and more in worried-dad-mode. 

“Oh yeah, that’s right. Well, in that case you definitely gotta come over. We can drink beer and watch a movie that doesn’t involve some kind of talking animal.”

“Sounds good.”

He’s still typing. What is he doing, writing a goddamn article? Who could he possibly have that much to say to? 

Buck takes a breath, remembers he’s not being a selfish asshole anymore and gets changed quietly. Ana sounds like a nice person, she’d probably be good for Eddie. Buck’s feelings, his stupid feelings that he’s shoved so far down they make him feel a bit queasy more often than not, shouldn’t even factor into it.

“Are you okay?”

Buck startles at Eddie’s question. He’s not on his phone anymore, but looking straight at Buck, a little crease in between his eyebrows.

“Fine… why'd you ask?”

“You look tired.”

“Yeah. I, uh, got up early to go for a run on the beach. Anyway, not even eyebags could ruin this handsome face so you shut your mouth,” Buck blusters with an exaggerated wink and a bit of swagger as he closes his locker. 

It works, and Eddie rolls his eyes. “So glad that your ego remains unaffected.”

They argue playfully back and forth as they head up to the kitchen together and by the time they sit down to plates of Bobby’s French toast, Buck has all but forgotten his weird start to the day. 

Luckily, work keeps them busy. Any downtime they get is spent either stuffing their faces with food, showering the grime and sweat away, or trying to catch a few minutes of sleep. The entire twenty-four hours passes without major incident, unless you count Chimney tripping on a firehose and falling ass over teakettle on the freshly-waxed station floor. They’re still laughing about it as they get changed to go home the following morning, exhaustion making it hard to stop.

By the time he gets back to his apartment and collapses into bed, Buck’s tired enough that falling asleep is the easiest thing in the world.

 He wakes late in the afternoon, hot and sweaty from the sunlight pouring in through the windows. He showers, eats a sandwich, and texts Eddie to ask what time he’s coming over. 

Some sort of clarity must have crept in while Buck slept, because his head feels a little clearer. Still, he wonders what it means that a clear head feels like some kind of miracle these days. He thinks it means that he might need to talk to Frank again.

Buck grabs his phone and fiddles around on it until he pulls up his contacts. Frank’s name is sitting there right underneath Eddie’s. Before he can think about it too much, he calls and makes an appointment for his next day off. Part of him feels that old anxiety come back, worries that he’s slipping backwards instead of moving forwards, but another part of him is ultimately relieved. He doesn’t have to worry about burdening Frank, it’s his job to listen. He’s not allowed to be exhausted by Buck and his issues. 

By the time Eddie arrives not long after seven, Buck has cleaned his entire apartment, gone grocery shopping to get that beer that Eddie likes, and watched a Nat Geo documentary on bears. It’s been easy, simple, and he’s feeling okay. 

Eddie lets himself in with a smile and a tupperware container, and even though they only parted ways that morning, it’s still good to see him. “Hey, sorry I’m late, Ana called just as I was leaving.”

And just like that, Buck’s stomach sours. 

“She called you?”

“Yeah, I asked her to update me on Chris. She said he’s good, that they’ve just eaten dinner and he’s with his friends.” Eddie pauses, makes a face. “Guess that means I should stop worrying, right?”

“So you guys just talked about Christopher?” Buck asks because he’s an idiot who likes to torture himself. 

Eddie frowns, putting the tupperware on the kitchen counter. “Yeah. What else would we talk about? I emailed the school his overnight care plan this morning and she just wanted to reassure me. Anyway, Abuela made you tamales, shall I put them in the refrigerator or d’you wanna have them with the pizza?”

Buck still doubts that any other parents are getting personal calls from their kid’s teacher, but it makes him feel better knowing that Eddie’s only thought is the well-being of his son. 

Maybe this whole Ana thing is something he should talk to Frank about, too. 

“I’m going back to therapy,” Buck blurts, his brain to mouth filter nonexistent. “I have nightmares. I stopped talking about it because I thought I was being selfish but it’s fucking me up so. Yeah. I’m going back to therapy.”

Eddie’s eyebrows hit his hairline. Buck silently begs him not to make a big deal out of it, and is relieved when all Eddie says is, “Good. Thank you for telling me. The tamales?”

A mildly hysterical laugh bursts out of Buck. He comes forward and wraps his arms around Eddie, so fucking relieved that after everything, he still gets to have this. 

Eddie goes with the moment gracefully, pats him on the back a few times, and when Buck pulls away, Eddie leaves a hand on his shoulder and says, “I’m here for you. I know I haven’t always been great at that before, but I am. You don’t have to do this by yourself unless you want to.”

And Buck knows it’s true, can tell by the fierce determination in Eddie’s eyes, and thinks that maybe this means he’s not so exhausting to deal with after all. That maybe Eddie was exhausted with himself just a little, too. 

“We’re good, Eddie,” Buck says honestly. “I’m gonna call the pizza place, you take those tamales and the beer over to the couch.”

 They’re one and a half movies, two pizzas and half a dozen tamales in when Buck opens his mouth and “So are you and Ana dating?” comes out of it. 

Eddie chokes a little on his beer. “No? I don’t really know.”

It’s not quite the answer Buck was hoping for. “How can you not know, man?”

Shifting uncomfortably, Eddie leans back on the couch until he’s looking up at the ceiling, like he can’t meet Buck’s eye. “She’s nice, and pretty, and good with Chris. I dunno, Buck. It feels like it could go somewhere?”

Buck swallows hard. He knew it. He should definitely have waited to have this conversation until after he’s seen Frank though, because he has no goddamn clue how he’s supposed to be the supportive best friend when every fiber of his being is burning with jealousy. He’s not sure of the exact moment that he knew Eddie was it for him, but it’s been that way for so long now it’s become a part of who he is. He used to be good at pretending his feelings didn’t exist, but he’s so tired these days.

But what he has with Eddie and Christopher right now is the best thing going on in his life — he’s not going to risk losing that. 

“I wouldn’t even know how to ask her out,” Eddie continues, laughing a little at himself. “Out of practice would definitely be an understatement, I have no clue what I’m doing.”

Buck mirrors Eddie’s position, staring up at the beams under the loft. “I think you just say ‘would you like to go out with me’, Eddie. It’s not that hard.”

“Easy for you to say,” Eddie snorts. “I bet no girl has ever turned you down.”

“Ha, you should speak to Joe Levinson from high school,” Buck tells him. God, he thought Joe was so cute. He never told anyone, especially not his parents, and Maddie was off at college, but he used to trail around after Joe like a lovesick puppy. “We’re talking the crush of all teenage crushes here, man. I was so gone on Joe and it was senior year and then prom was coming up, and I—”

“Oh no,” Eddie laughs, “you got turned down?”

“I got humiliated,” Buck grins. “I thought I’d go classic, y’know? A love note in the locker, little hearts doodled on it and ‘I really like you, will you be my prom date?’ written in glitter gel pen. Imagine my surprise when the next morning my note is not just in Joe’s locker, but on the front of every single locker, in the halls, the cafeteria, even the damn teacher’s lounge. He made sure the last few weeks of high school were not good ones.”

“Wait…” Eddie tips his head sideways, confusion written on his face. “Joe was a boy?”

Shit. Buck isn’t ashamed of being bisexual at all, but it occurs to him now that he hasn’t actually told anybody besides his sister. “Uh… yeah?” 

“Did you just come out to me?”

Buck shrugs. “I kinda forgot you didn’t know?”

Their faces are pretty close at this angle, their heads cushioned by the back of the couch. Eddie doesn’t look hostile or disgusted though. He looks thoughtful. 

“That was really brave,” he eventually says, quieter than before. “I can’t even imagine asking a boy out in high school.”

There’s something in the way he says it that gives Buck pause. “Did you want to?” he asks carefully.

“It wasn’t an option.” Eddie doesn’t sound sad, just matter-of-fact. “Besides, I met Shannon in college. And I really loved her, Buck. There were… occasions, while I was in the army, but I never acted on it. I’d made vows, they meant something to me.”

Buck can’t look away from Eddie’s face, pulled in by the wide-eyed openness and the thought that he didn’t know this about Eddie — that they didn’t know this about each other. 

“And now?” he asks, not sure why he’s whispering.

“Now I don’t know,” Eddie says honestly. He licks his lips. Buck couldn’t tell you which of them moved first but all of a sudden their lips are touching, pressing. It’s dry, a little chaste, but most definitely a kiss. Buck shifts, brings his hand up towards Eddie’s face, and barely touches his jaw before Eddie is springing backwards, shock written all over him. 

“Buck, I’m sorry—”

“No, dude, that was all me, I was totally over the line.”

“We just got — caught up in the moment,” Eddie says, and Buck’s not sure which of them he’s trying to convince. 

“Yeah, all that talk about dating and my tragic high school trauma. Woulda been weird if you hadn’t wanted to kiss me,” he smirks, aiming for cool and cocky and probably missing by several miles. 

Eddie lets out a bark of laughter that’s more panic than amusement. They’re quiet for a minute. Eddie’s knee is still pressed against Buck’s, warm and solid. Buck doesn’t know what’s happening here but he knows he really liked kissing Eddie, can still feel his lips tingling. He knows he’s not going to lose Eddie over this though, can’t lose him. He’ll do whatever it takes for that not to happen.

“It was a moment,” Buck concludes, for both their sake. “Moment’s over.”

Eddie’s throat visibly bobs when he swallows. “Right. Y’know, I should probably take off. Before—”

He cuts himself off. The tips of his ears go bright red. It takes every ounce of willpower Buck has not to ask him ‘before what?’

He follows Eddie across the apartment to the door, but he really doesn’t want this to be weird when they get to the station in the morning. He lays his hand on Eddie’s forearm and asks, “We’re okay, aren’t we, Eddie?”

To his relief, Eddie smiles and it seems real. “Of course, Buck. Nothing’s changed. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

As he lets himself out, the door closing softly behind him, Buck can’t help thinking what a bad liar Eddie is. Of course something has changed. Everything has changed. That kiss will hang over them for the rest of their days as partners — as friends. You don’t just ‘accidentally’ kiss your best friend and then act like it didn’t happen. 

Buck wanders into the kitchen, fists his hand in his hair, scrapes them over his face, repeatedly bangs his forehead into the cupboard door. Stupid stupid stupid . 

Restless, he clears away pizza boxes. Drops empty beer bottles into the recycling. Seals the lid on the tupperware and puts the remaining tamales in the refrigerator. Shuts off the TV — how didn’t he notice the movie was still playing? 

He’s wiping down the kitchen counters when there’s a knock on the door. 

Eddie’s standing there on the other side, looking just as wide-eyed as he was when he left. 

“Hey,” Buck says uncertainly, ignoring the swoop in his stomach. “You forget something?”

“Yes,” Eddie says and he takes a step forward, holds Buck’s face in his hands, and crashes their mouths together. 

This kiss is nothing like their last. 

Eddie is demanding, relentless, tongue tracing the seam of Buck’s lips straight away until Buck opens up for him and everything gets hotter and wetter and so much more amazing. His own hands, which had been floundering in surprise, land on Eddie’s waist and Buck walks him backwards until his back hits the open door and closes it with a bang. He leans into Eddie with all his weight, pushes him against the wood, shoves their hips together and groans the filthiest sound he’s ever made into Eddie’s mouth.

It’s incredible, feels absolutely perfect. Buck moves his hands, slips them under the soft fabric of Eddie’s shirt, finding warm skin and hard muscles and a stomach that trembles when his thumb flicks over a nipple. 

With a gasp, Eddie pulls back and smacks his head against the door. Buck removes a hand and places it gently behind Eddie’s head to cushion it, kissing a lush apology to his lips. 

“You feel so good,” Eddie mumbles. “Buck.”

Buck kisses down Eddie’s neck, their stubble rasping, his lips fluttering over Eddie’s thundering pulse. He shoves their hips together some more — once, twice, and again because he can’t stop — and he can feel Eddie’s dick through their jeans and he’s so turned on he can hardly breathe. 

“We should talk,” he says to Eddie, breathlessly, “but first we should fuck.”

“Best idea you’ve ever had, Buckley.”

A grin spreads across Eddie’s face and Buck copies it, kissing him again because he just can’t help it and grabbing his hand, dragging him away from the door and up the steps to the loft.

Two orgasms, one set of clean sheets and one shower later, Buck feels brave enough to say, “I want this every day forever.”

Eddie’s nearly asleep, head right next to Buck’s on the pillow, one arm slung across Buck’s stomach. He cracks open an eye and presses a tiny kiss to the corner of Buck’s mouth. 

“Guess we’re on the same page then.”

“I don’t want you to date Ana.”

The other eye pops open, trademark Eddie Diaz exasperation all over his face. “Buck.”

“Just checking!” Buck laughs, drawing patterns on Eddie’s arm. “Y’know, I’m still gonna need therapy.”

“I’d be worried if you didn’t. Unless sex really is a magic cure.”

Buck tries to smile but instead finds himself softly saying, “I might have a nightmare.”

Eddie kisses him again, for longer this time, then shifts closer and nuzzles his nose into Buck’s temple, his hair. “I’m not going anywhere. Go to sleep, Buck.”

They settle in, warm under the blankets, and Buck closes his eyes, falling asleep quick and easy, between one breath and the next.