#he dumped his fantasy elements for... real life elements but... badly

[starburstsobsessions]

honestly flanagan "copying" irl cultures for his fantasy series was his worst idea bc he did it so bad

[beowulfs-booty-call]

Lore Dump!

(Block Long post so it doesn’t kill you! I’ll be adding more to this tomorrow when I’m not about to fall asleep LMAO) Background on the summons / characters so far:

Ifrit

Secret power bottom who comes off as a Dom top.

He’s the fire elemental and has been Demi’s “First” demon contract as well as... His source of income. While Demi seldom doesn’t speak about the prejudices of his job, Ifrit, head of the original Wrath district as the demon general later “moved” to Eros because he secretly enjoys the way Persephone built it up as an overall balanced District, as well as to fund the incubus who’s somehow managed to charm him as both a dancer and as a summoner.

His demon form is considered to be very similar to this unfinished concept art I once had where Demi was envisioned as a dancing summoner here:

He is extremely muscular and bulky simply because that’s his preferred form. He finds the human body too “weak” and wishes to be as large as he is because his true persona relishes in pride (This unfortunately leads him to be stubborn in some regards, especially when things don’t go his way, he doesn’t like to opt out.) He can be smaller if he so chooses, but as the former general of a District where war and anger are his tools, he much rather likes intimidating.

Ifrit’s main outfit is a dark navy pinstripe suit and a white undershirt. When summoned, however, his horns appear and the flames burn through all he wears save for what shreds remain / a skimpy thong he insists is meant for combat efficient. (Basically, we have his default favorite as a purple chain thong, a leopard print thong, and your all around barbarian esque fur underwear / rags)

Ifrit means well, though his money is essentially “dirty” money. He’s not above certain tactics being a god of war and essentially one of the few elementals to have fought with Persephone in ages past. As a “sugar daddy”, Ifrit tends to lord his money as though they aren’t much to worry on. For example: He is the funder of Demi’s wardrobe as both his summoner and his “protege” as he puts it, and his clothes are well kept and custom made. Despite this, and his supposed “greed”, Ifrit uses this as a coping mechanism for his time in the wars where capital were short and his followers starved. Now he spends his frivolous amounts of currency towards things he believes worth it. He’s most often then not an anonymous donor to starving artists and the needy because he can “see the fire in their eyes”, but you’ll never see him admit it. He quite enjoys the idea that he’s a snobbish jerk if it means he’s left to his own devices most of the time, unless it’s around Demi.

As an elemental, he knows some very close individuals such as “Ramuh” and of course, Hades, but there is still much he has not revealed, whether because of his hedonism clouding his judgement, or his wanting of keeping his protege in the dark is unclear.

He is currently in a long standing rivalry with pop sensation and body positivity icon: Venus, though in the public eye they are known to grin and bear it, out of the public scene, it is not uncommon to see the two butting heads over their differences and their own ideas of what’s best for the incubus. While he does relent on certain stances he has for Demi’s best (I.E, allowing him time to work due to being under Persephone’s rule and not his.), Ifrit is possessive and wants Venus out of his hair, believing her to be a bad influence on his summoner. On the other hand, Venus believes Ifrit’s and Persephone’s grip on Demi, who was once a fellow human, is outright tyrannical.  This said, it’s not uncommon for Ifrit’s hard-headedness to lead him into saying something that will later bring him to Venus’ feet or fists. Even as a human, Venus has the uncanny ability to masquerade herself (very badly) as others to get close and absolutely beat Ifrit down such as “Afroooo-Dieeee-teeee, Ukrainian swimsuit cover girl, multi ranged diva, and DESTROYER of flames.” To others, though, he has a very adept insight towards their true motivations, and Demi’s is the real reason he has decided to take him in as a protege and summoner.

Ifrit, while the main cause of comedy, actually does care deeply for his summoner, as he sees in Demi the “ghost” of a man he knew long ago in his prime who also was his summoner. During the “Great War” that eventually created the Districts, this summoner died in battle destroying their contract and wishing Ifrit to find peace in life as they both could not in his. Ifrit, driven into rage by this, completely eradicated the enemy presence and encased himself in flames before being petrified by an unknown force and was later thrown into the Districts when the war was over. When he awakened, he was in a land of war, his beloved summoner no where to be found, and his heart empty save for one thing: Revenge and to fill that empty space in his coal-engraved heart. 

Ifrit had many lovers back in his time, but even so, who they are is so far unknown, he claims to live in the present, though, and talks of love do not concern him anymore because of his past. He sees love as a fleeting thing, and something that has left him broken and hungry for the very thing his friend didn’t want: Pain.

Ramuh:

The thunder elemental and “newest” summon so far, a hulking glasses wearing man who’s known to be the sage of lightning and knowledge.

Once worshipped as a god, Ramuh has been in existence long before any of the other elementals (as he puts it) and can remember a distinct mortal existence before becoming “one” with his element. 

This mortal life, was where Ramuh was once a man who lived and studied life as a philosopher, before carelessly tossing it all away when life began to lose its glory in his eyes.

In his words, the ancient war broke out and the mortal he once was, was in view of “The Great Ones” who proceeded to transform him into what he is now, from what was once a man who wished to understand life and its wonders, to a god who was now immortal to study all that he wished for.

His staff, Indrajit, was in his hands when he came to, and with it he can both bring down righteous thunder, as well as mend wounds of the body and the mind.

 Ramuh has himself a fantastical library, filled with ancient writings, scrolls, and books of all natures that he himself has written and copied from ages past. Legend is foretold that he is the divine writer and for every person who has ever written a work, Ramuh has a copy in his library for the hungry to read.

It is also stated, to read from this library, one must offer up knowledge to Ramuh in the form of a skill or an item that they can give to his library, lest they too become a new experiment.

As an elemental, Ramuh is thoroughly convinced his existence overwrote his “previous” self, his personality being starkly different from his darker and cynical past self. He is far more cheerful and guiding, though when overcome with emotion, he is known to stew in his own juices and isolate himself to clear his head.

He is greatly fond of children and young adults (And extremely protective of them as well), claiming they have the most potential of all and is no stranger to blessing any of those who pray to him, whether out of fear or out of need. His favorite question to ask these young minds are their dreams, for it is the one aspect of knowledge he does not have filled yet, and as time goes by and so do creativity and imagination, it has quickly become a mark on his list.

His relationship to Demi is actually based upon my writing of what my interpretation of Ramuh was to Terra in Final Fantasy 6 (Before my hard drive failed and it erased it all). As a demon with roots of humanity still left within him, Demi finds himself frustrated at his existence at one point and flees into a storm and into the dark seas surrounding the Districts hoping to be carried away in the cover of night. Instead, he is called out to by a mysterious voice, and finds himself ashore to a distant, murky but somehow livelier island across the sea to Ramuh’s study.  Ramuh, who felt his presence and empathized with him, welcomed him with open arms as both a fragile mind in need of stability, but also as a foundation of an existence that was never meant to be (He doesn't reveal he knows this to Demi yet.) Taking him in, Ramuh teaches Demi about magic, and how he can use it to the best of his potential under the alias of “Brahma” and a pen name of “Lugh” in his writings. (He reveals down the road that he takes many names, and that Ramuh is considered the name people have given him over the years and it’s become a bit of an attachment.) Later, when his training is complete, and Demi is ready to find his way home, Ramuh explains to Demi that his humanity is not a cause of weakness, nor should he be afraid of who he is, and rather, embrace it. He also is the one to explain what the “Rifts” are, curious portals that are a rip in the space time continuum that allows those who traverse it into other rips into space and potentially time. (This will also be expanded upon, with the inclusion of a Bara Healer I did...!)

As an elemental, Ramuh knows of Ifrit, and is playfully his rival in terms of how opposite the two are. Ramuh is a nurturer, Ifrit is the destroyer, Ramuh studies, while Ifrit takes things at first glance. He also has interacted with Persephone, on a professional level, but likes to believe that they are long over due for another cup of tea together.

Ramuh is very sweet and fatherly, and he spends his time cultivating cacti and small plants as well as having various pets and tamed beasts. Some, such as the Fantastical Demon Anaconda is famed for its dangerous name, but in reality the snake is quite friendly and does not wish to do harm. Ramuh claims this is out of spite for those who condemn his work as a researcher, but the truth is that he enjoys being the root of knowledge, he can bend these things to his will after all.  Also under his fingertips is his talent for Bestiary keeping. Amongst them is some of the most feared monsters like The Art Block and The Fear of Failure.

Persephone:

Queen of Eros and transwoman, she is the proud wife of Hades (Resident jock goth who loves her very dearly) and runs Eros as best as she can and as humanly as possible.

She deeply loves her husband and dresses in the finest outfits she creates on her own, as well as being the most fashion forward of the District.

She was the one who turned Demi into an incubus as he stumbled into Eros, a lone human who was one the verge of turning into a will-o-wisp as most humans do. Bestowing upon him a sacred opal, her gemstones allowed those who wear them to show allegiance to her “Court” and become a powerful demon in their own right. Demi, a special case, retained his humanity and with no memories of his previous life, quickly take up his role as a dancer in Persephone’s nightclub,La Fleur de Grenade.

She is not a demon, and is implied to have once been a human, but now, she is queen of demons and those who accept her rule are considered her children; Having taken the role of District ruler from Hades, she wishes to model the District based on her desires of above ground society. 

She wishes to bring the Underground above ground so the demons could live amongst humans as she does with Hades and so that she can finally feel the sun on her face like she did as a child.

Hades “kidnapped” her before she transitioned after she met him masquerading as a human above ground and became close to him. She doesn’t like to speak on it, but her family situation was not the most healthiest. However, Hades, who understood her, offered her his help and the two held their hands together as they took the fall to his home where she blossomed into who she is now. She does not regret it one bit, nor does she ever regret that Hades allowed her to become who she is today with his support, and with his help. Overtime she’s grown her own magic herself, but she keeps it bottled so as not to initiate war and instead works for peace in Eros, using her nightclub as one of the key ways to ease off the District’s lust effect on its inhabitants. (Stronger demons resist a District’s influence, most however not.)

Her tactics and work method comes off as back breaking and rather excessive, but this is due to her taking up Demi as her pseudo messenger and agent. Humans who have wandered into Eros (Because it is the most “human” of districts and because it’s far too easy to end up somewhere like a huge Traverse Town) need to be taken out of the District before they degenerate into Will-o-wisps and Demi has quickly surmounted himself as a human “rescuer”. But where these humans go after being dropped off to Persephone’s grip, is still yet unknown.

It’s later to be revealed that Persephone, in her wish to bring the Underground above, is essentially using “human” energy to cause the Underground to rise up. Demons and the gods only exist because they have believers to spread their influence like the “God” who threw them down there. So, the more who interact with Demi and Eros, the more belief is given and the closer it is to reality. She means well, and only seeks the best for the demons, but to bring the Underground above... would destroy those above her, and she doesn’t know that (Yet!)

Persephone’s appearance changes almost every time she gets a chance, her style and fashion is most like a drag queen, always revolving around a theme, but her favorite hair style is a sort of curly pixie cut.

[hahanoiwont]

Johann was too powerful to let live.

Alternately titled: Johann the level 35 billion bard

And here’s why.

Bardic Inspiration, according to the DnD player’s handbook, can be cast a number of times equal to your charisma modifier, with a minimum of one. It is a single-target bonus action, meaning you can cast a spell or take an action (such as telling Magnus not to let the world forget you) on the same turn. If he hadn’t been busy with dying he could also have used his movement and an attack or spell, but he was pretty stabbed at the time and only posthumously managed to get that inspiration going. It only affects people other than yourself, within 60 feet, who can hear you.

We can assume the voidfish negated the 60 feet rule and also the need to use a separate action for each inspiration by virtue of psychically blasting that music through the planar system. But other characters who can hear your Bardic Inspiration do not benefit if they aren’t the target. That means that Johann had to have the charisma to reach each person he inspired.

So just how many people did Johann reach? The entire planar system heard his song. That means the population of each plane has to be taken into account.

Planar populations (I don’t know how Griffin got 13 planes out of the crazy planar systems in the handbook so I am using my best guesses): Prime Material Plane. This is a traditional high fantasy setting. We are assuming (errenously but generously) that aliens don’t exist and that Johann’s Inspiration went to only inhabitants of the world Faerun is on, Toril. There are eight continents on Toril: Faerun, where the campaign takes place, is the most populated and the one we know most about. It’s a medieval-magical continent, so I’m going to use Europe’s population just before the black plague and say 450 million people. Zakhara is dominated by elementals and is physically much smaller than Faerun, so we’ll say it’s only got 20 million people. Kara-tur is Fantasy East Asia, which had approximately 100 million people if we were to cut out a Kara-tur-sized swath of it. Maztica is akin to Fantasy Pre-European Americas, so we’ll go with an approximated pre-European Mexican population of 37 million, given the similar size, shape, and agriculture. Anchorome is unexplored territory inhabited by the same “wild elves” and humans as Maztica, so we’ll give them a minimum of 13 million people. Katashaka is completely unexplored but known to be the origin of several tribes of various species, so we’ll give them and average of all the other continents at 150 million people. Laerakond is home to dragon empires and “new cultures,” and so presumably well-populated. We’ll give them the same population as Faerun with 450 million. Finally, Osse is a nature-oriented continent populated by spirits and druids, and so probably not very dense. For easy math, we’ll say 5 million on the whole landmass. This gives the Prime Material Plane 1.22 billion inhabitants. Plane of Thought. As I sat down to write this, the global population is estimated to be 7.6 billion. Again, not counting aliens or animals, though theoretically an animal could be given Bardic Inspiration depending on the languages spoken by the bard in question. Celestial Plane. How many gods can there be? We’ll say two hundred, each with a maximum of 100 servants, angels, et cetera. 2000 max population makes the Celestial Plane mostly insignificant. Ethereal Plane. No one lives here. Astral Plane. Presumably, everyone who has ever died comes here, which means 100 billion from the Plane of Thought alone, discounting reincarnation. However, the sea of souls does not seem to support individual identities, and Kravitz at one point said something I can’t find about how you join all other dead people not in the Stockade and simmer in the collective memories of all who have once lived. For simplicity’s sake (and also because we cannot get into the trillions here, please God), we will assume those people are not individuals enough to be hit with the Inspiration, and the only recipients from the Astral plane were Kravitz and a couple thousand souls in the Stockade, which then formed Legion. Therefore, this is also an insignificant number of people, say 2001. Plane of Shadow. Has its own quasi-god and inhabitants, sort of a mirror of the other worlds’ fears. 2 million inhabitants seems reasonable, approximately one for every 600 people on the Prime Material Plane. Plane of Light. I’m sorry guys, I don’t know shit about this. I don’t think it’s a canon DnD plane. Griffin mentioned it by name but I think he lied to us, folks. We’ll give it the same as the Plane of Shadow for the sake of balance. 2 million inhabitants. Elemental planes: Air, Water, Fire, Earth. Each of these is home to creatures associated with this element, including Genasi, particular species of elves, Aarakocra, etc. We’ll give them 25 million each, for a total of 100 million. Plane of Magic. Also not a real plane. Do people live here? Since this plane colliding with the Prime Material Plane resulted in the loss of all life in the system during TSC, I’m going to say it itself cannot support life. 0 people. The Far Realm. Origin of mind-flayers, beholders, etc. Population is unclear, as visitors go insane and usually die. At least 1 million. Other Planar Systems. Seven humanoids and two voidfish, total of nine people.

That is thirteen planes and the IPRE accounted for, although I will entertain suggestions about other planes replacing the Far Realm, which is the only plane not directly referenced by Griffin in the show. However, since mind-flayers are canon for taz, it seemed appropriate to include their place of origin in the universe.

I have been very conservative with some of these measurements, so as not to be in danger of exaggerating. We have a minimum total population of 8,925,004,010 (eight billion, nine hundred twenty-five million, four thousand and ten) sentient beings capable of receiving Inspiration, and Johann is heavily implied to have reached all of them.

How is this possible?

There is no way in the base game to increase the number of people you are capable of giving Bardic Inspiration to unless you improve your Charisma. Johann, being dead, did not have time to take a short rest and regain his Bardic Inspiration uses. He must have performed all of his inspirations in one go.

Clearly, Johann’s Charisma modifier is 8,925,004,010, allowing him to use that many Bardic Inspirations in a day.

This means Johann’s charisma is 17,850,008,030.

Assuming he started at level one with a perfect 20 Charisma (possible for half-elves and a few other races), and he improved his Charisma at every Ability Score Improvement opportunity without taking feats, and that past level 20 Ability Score Improvements continue to come every four levels (and completely discounting the 20 cap on level and abilities because we don’t have evidence for that existing in canon and we do have evidence of Johann using nearly 9 billion Bardic Inspirations at once), he must have increased his reach by one person every four levels. There is no other way to gain points in Charisma in the base game, so he must have improved solely through leveling.

He started out as a level one with five uses of Bardic Inspiration, and ended with at least  8,925,004,010. This would mean that he leveled at least 35,700,016,020 times, making him a level 35,700,016,021.

Johann is a level 35.7 billion bard.

For reference, this makes his proficiency bonus 8,925,004,011; he knows every Bard spell, if spells known follows the trend of the Bard table past level 20, and up to 6 spells from other classes due to the Magical Secrets bardic ability. If that follows the pattern of increases past level 20 as well (learning two non-bard spells every four level past level 8), he knows every spell in existence, regardless of class. Spell slots seem to stop going up after four per level for bards, but he definitely has at least four in every level of spell up to 9th. His spell save, the number you have to roll to resist his spells, is well over 17 billion.

But Jared, you say, Jared. If Johann was truly a level 35,700,016,021 bard with all of these crazy abilities, he couldn’t possibly have been killed in one flip!

Wrong! I say, doing a sick flip and jumping on the table because this is my essay and I get to decide what it says. You think I am very cool and definitely right about this. I didn’t spend three hours today researching for an essay about a minor character in a dungeons and dragons podcast.

Anyway, yes, Johann can be killed. For instance, the lowest base score you can have for Constitution and Dexterity is a three, with a modifier of -4. This means Johann could have started with 4 hit points. Given that he as a bard gets 1d8 plus his constitution modifier hit points with each level, it’s possible that he even lost hit points with about 3/8ths of his levels. If he rolled badly (and depending on DM mercy), he may still have somewhere around 4 hit points.

Even if he had more than that, though, he also dumped Dexterity, and never put any points into anything but Charisma. He has not fixed the problem of being squishy and easily killed with any of his 8.9 million Ability Score Increases. With a Dexterity modifier of -4 and his canonical clothes instead of armor, his Armor Class is 6. He is easy to hit and easy to kill once you get past the frankly terrifying Charisma stat. This would also give him a -3 to Initiative (the bardic skill Jack of All Trades gives him +1), making his turn pretty late in each round of combat, depending on what he rolls. If you can go before he completely annihilates you, Johann is very squishy and mortal.

The Hunger, a multiplanar, vaguely bardic entity, would be capable of dealing large amounts of damage, too. The Shadows that are initially sent deal 17-33 points of damage with regular attacks in canon, and a crit or a surprise attack would certainly kill someone with Johann’s shit constitution. Given the circumstances, Johann’s death is plausible from a narrative standpoint and absolutely necessary on a metatextual level because a level 35 billion bard would absolutely just crush the Hunger beneath his heel. I don’t care how many planes it’s consumed. His Vicious Mockery, a cantrip, would deal 8 billion d4 damage. The Hunger saw its most terrifying opponent and took steps to kill him first, before he could see it.

Luckily, Johann had already written his hella inspiring music apparently seconds before this happened, so he can hang out in the Astral Plane watching his bardic legacy wreak havoc as literally everyone everywhere adds, like, 34d100 or some shit to their attacks. “Fuck you,” he says.

(As a side note: he is never sent out on missions because can you imagine a level 35,700,016,021 character with a Grand Relic. Shit, he practically is a Grand Relic. He would touch it and the world would end. He is the one strum man.)

In conclusion, Griffin gave Johann depression and then killed him because if he actually did shit he would be too powerful. Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk.

[rantsaboutponies]

Season 7 Retrospective

Well, we’re between highly anticipated movie releases this weekend (for me, anyway), so it’s time for our annual look back over the season!

Good lord, the beginning of Season 7 seemed like so long ago. I could have sworn the Flurry Heart episode was last season. Maybe this has just been a really long year. Well...okay, yeah, I can certainly see why it would feel that way, given the year this has been.

With a rating of 4-9-13 (W-L-T), this season must have been better than the last one, even if it didn’t feel like it. Season 8 is forthcoming, so how long before Hasbro gives up and reboots the series again? Only time will tell.

So, here we are. From best to worst:

#1. “Secrets and Pies”: This episode was...good? Like, really, really good? Why? I don’t get it! I wouldn't be so confused if you guys did this more often! I swear, the next time this happens, I'm going to get whiplash!

#2. “Rock Solid Friendship”: To complement the really good Pinkie Pie episode, here’s an episode that was really good in every way except Pinkie Pie! They’re at exact opposite ends of the season, too. Maybe it’s an equivalent exchange thing.

#3. “Triple Threat”: I thought this episode did a pretty good job of avoiding the “why don’t you just tell them?” problem that virtually every episode of every sitcom runs into. We’ve already established that Thorax is a whiny little milquetoast weenie and that Ember is a heinous prick who doesn’t listen to anybody but herself. Hell, that was the entire reason for the conflict in the first place! Honestly, why would Spike try to reason with either of them?

#4. “To Change a Changeling”: If the monster hadn’t turned out to be a giant mole, the ending battle might have seemed a little more life-threatening. That, Starlight’s very, very stupid plan, and Pharynx’s abusive ass made this episode a little worse than it should have been. Apart from that, though, I liked it!

And now here’s the hardest part of the list: trying to figure out which “tie” episodes were slightly better or worse than all the others.

#5. “Once Upon a Zeppelin”: Yeah, Twilight’s parents were annoying (and idiots), but not to the point that I’m going to dread them ever showing up in any future episodes (unlikely as that is at this point). Plus, bringing back Iron Will actually seemed to have a point, and it helped that he didn’t have to “unlearn” his lesson from his first appearance just to make the current episode make sense.

#6. “Uncommon Bond”: This episode went out of its way to prove that yes, Starlight and Sunburst really do have only one thing in common. I would have expected the resolution to be the realization that the two of them liked more things than just that board game, but nope! Giant version! That’s it!

#7. “Daring Done?”: I was so distracted this episode that I forgot to mention that Pinkie Pie was actually acting like Pinkie Pie and not an annoying little shitbag! It was refreshing! But anyway, you’d think Daring-Do would have written enough books by this point to realize the obvious tropes this episode followed. The real challenge for her is going to be stretching this adventure out to novel-length.

#8. “Discordant Harmony”: I’m still not sure what made Discord think he needed to change a bunch of shit about his house to make Fluttershy happy. It looked the same way he made her house look every time he visited her. What did he think she was expecting?

#9. “A Health of Information”: This is the second episode in a row on this list where Fluttershy acted kind of like a doofus throughout the episode for no discernible reason. It also proved that unicorns are the solution to everything. Need to grab some moss from a swamp without falling in? Unicorn! Need to collect honey from the flash bees without going anywhere near them? Unicorn! Need to destroy an entire planet without breaking a sweat? Unicron!

#10 & #11. “Shadow Play (Parts 1 and 2)”: The first half fools you into thinking this isn’t just going to be a run-of-the-mill finale episode by promising you a halfway interesting quest before immediately giving you all the artifacts within a few minutes. Ha! Gotcha!

#12. “Hard to Say Anything”: I’d kind of hoped we were past the whole “two men competing for the trophy that is the personality-deprived female character” cliché, especially in a show designed for children, but I guess not. I mean, at least Big Mac and Feather do realize that’s what they’re doing by the end, but that doesn’t fix Sugar Belle’s “sexy lamp” issue.

#13. “A Royal Problem”: Has Twilight been of help to any friendship-related issues since she stopped being the main character? I think these episodes must be based on Twilight's memoirs, i.e. this isn't how things actually happened; this is how she remembers them happening. Here's what really happened during "Magical Mystery Cure":

Twilight Sparkle: So...I accidentally totally and completely fucked up my friends’ lives, but then I fixed it! That means I'm good at having friends, right?

Princess Celestia (sarcastically): Oh, yeah, you're a regular princess of friendship.

Twilight Sparkle: *gasp* Really?!

Princess Celestia: Oh, no, I didn't mean– Ah, crap, the music's already started. ♫ You've come such a long, long way... ♫

Princess Celestia (mentally): I've really got to stop using the word “princess” as an insult. This is the third one this week. I'm running out of castles! She'll just have to stay in the library until I can find another one.

#14. “All Bottled Up”: This episode is a perfect example of why the writers typically just don’t include characters in an episode if they have nothing to do in said episode. That escape room nonsense was just stupid. The six of you might be best friends, but you have never gotten along that well!

#15. “Celestial Advice”: Ugh, this one. “As a teacher, I have to send my student away. I don’t know exactly why I have to do that, but I’m sure I’ll figure the reason out later. Oh, wait, you don’t want to leave? Well, that changes everything! You can stay!” I think they were making this one up as they went along.

#16. “The Perfect Pear”: One of the emptiest “love” stories I’ve ever seen. This was an “attraction story”, if you can even call it that. This is another case where I’m positive that at least a hundred better fanfics had been written about this exact story before the episode was released. I get why people have headcanons about things now. Why wouldn’t you have a fanon when the canon is so...weak?

#17. “Honest Apple”: Once again, we have a brand-new writer for this episode. Kevin Lappin was very likely just given a slip of paper with “APPLEJACK = HONEST” written on it, which constituted the entire material he had to work with. That might explain why Applejack was such an unlikable prick for the entire episode.

Whoo... All right. Here we go.

#18. “A Flurry of Emotions”: If you don’t want to watch your kid (because, seriously, you’ve got better things to do), just show up at one of your relatives’ houses one day and dump it on them. They’ll have such a guilt trip that they’ll be glad to accept! But make sure it’s someone who’s completely unqualified for the job and has a mountain of other responsibilities first. That’s the best way!

#19. “Campfire Tales”: The fact that this episode was actually just a clunky setup for the finale might explain why all three stories sucked so hard. It’s this season’s The Mummy!

#20. “Not Asking for Trouble”: Now we’re going to get into the part of the list where I have to figure out which episodes are worse by balancing how much the episode irritated me in general with how toxic the moral is. Trust me, if your children’s show has a moral of “Do what you want to do for other people, regardless of what those people have explicitly told you not to do, because you’ll end up being right in the end. After all, people don’t know what they want!”, you’ve fucked up something awful.

#21. “Fluttershy Leans In”: I said in this review that this felt like the MLP version of The Fountainhead, but I only just recently realized that I also said the same thing about Season 5's "Canterlot Boutique". Given that the episodes were written by different people, this must be a storyline that creative types really like (even if it’s nothing more than a power fantasy).

#22. “It Isn’t the Mane Thing About You”: All right, you actually had a good idea with this one. Despite being the Element of Generosity, one of Rarity's main problems has always been her vanity. That means you pulled off the rare feat of making the moral both 1. something the character hasn't already learned in a previous episode and 2. something that a normal functioning member of society might not automatically possess. (There has been a distressing number of lessons in the past five seasons or so that don't fit one or both of these qualifications.) It's just a shame you crashed and burned so spectacularly by 1. turning the moral from “don't be vain” to “have confidence” (something Rarity has never struggled with AND which you have already had as the moral in MULTIPLE previous episodes) and 2. went about it in the most nonsensical way possible!

#23. “Parental Glideance”: This one was a little sickening. The “my parents are so embarrassing!” trope is bad enough, but you’re an adult, Rainbow Dash! Grow up! If the things your parents are doing embarrass you (or if they’re legitimately dangerous, like SHOOTING FIREWORKS OFF AT AN AIRSHOW), talk to them! You can do that without snapping and acting like a dick!

#24. “Forever Filly”: Holy crap, I have never wanted to punch a fictional cartoon character in the face as badly as I did in this episode. I don’t know what made Sweetie Belle act like such a little shit or why Rarity is so out of touch with her (seeing as Sweetie Belle would have had to have been about four to be into the stuff she was trying to do), but I hated this. Shove your black box experimental theater up your ass.

#25. “Marks and Recreation”: I got the sense from the beginning of the series that cutie marks were originally supposed to be something really deep and meaningful. I mean, they’re your passion. They represent that thing that you love so much and are so good at that you can spend the rest of your life doing it and wearing a permanent symbol of it on your body. Well, not anymore! Now it’s just some obligatory shit that you get because you have to and that doesn’t have any real meaning at all! Fuck you! Just...fuck you!

#26. “Fame and Misfortune”: Yeah, no surprise there. Holy shit, this was a painful experience. Like “Stranger Than Fan Fiction”, this was just embarrassing to watch. To quote somebody else, “...you don't get back at critics by attacking them, you do it by ignoring them and continuing to be awesome.” Hell, this episode's moral is contradicted by its own existence. “You shouldn't be affected by criticism of your work. That’s why I wrote this episode where all my critics are painted as raving lunatics and I am totally the victim!” The fact that this is the SECOND such episode is just pathetic. This one actually manages to be worse, though, because, unlike the earlier episode when it was just Quibble Pants being a dick, this one paints the ENTIRE fandom as either complaining whiners who hate everything or creepy stalkers who follow everywhere you go. Nothing says “we want you to keep watching” like insulting the few fans you have left right to their face!

Remember, next week is the review of the remaining six Equestria Girls: Summertime Shorts. Be there!