#he deserved so much better rahHHHH

[terracyte]

:3c

[bulkheadbignaturals]

GOODRA ART POST GOODRA ART POST EVERYBODY REJOICE AND CHEER

The brainrot has spread so much i am now making my own Transformers AU

Here's my designs for the main Autobot cast! (for now...... Also i can't design cars for SHIT)

[dilfl0v3rss]

ma’am we need some more ony smut.. you can never have too much 🙂

RAHHHHH😛

“you missed me baby?” ony grumbled, his hand tightening around the back of your neck as he fed you the deepest strokes you could possibly imagine. his dick was hitting all the right places and you were completely out of it. you thought it was a good idea to take a break from everything negative in your life and try to be happier and cleaner. which was great to ony until you sent him that wack ass text that he was included in the negative part of your life. the drug dealer was appalled, his body filled with shock and anger as he read your message over and over again.

future bm👩🏾‍🍼

‘this not gon work out no more ony’

‘you too toxic for me and i will never be truly happy and find a man that’ll treat me the way i deserve if i keep fuckin wit you’

ony was furious, but as the chill guy he was he decided against coming to your house or popping up at your job. he knew you would come back to him eventually because there was absolutely no way any man could be better for you than him no matter how “toxic” for you he was. he was a toxin you loved. all he sent was a quick ‘bet’ before moving on with his day, acting as if your words didn’t bring the worst anger out of him. days went by, turning into weeks and before you knew it a month had passed. you were living the happier life you knew you deserved and even started messing with a new guy. jean treated you nice, always picking you up from work and taking you to your favorite spots to eat. he kept you happy and healthy and ate pussy like you wouldn’t believe, but that wasnt enough.

he didn’t check you the way you wanted him to, wouldn’t manhandle you in the way that made you want to melt into the sheets, didn’t say things that would make your thighs shake or heart skip a beat. he didn’t fuck you the way you wanted, the way ony did. so it was only natural that to cut him loose in the end, and take your ass right back where you belong.

“hey mama how was your break” ony said with a smirk as he looked you up and down from his front door. his shirt was nowhere to be found as he stood in his durag and sweatpants. you kept your eyes trained on the ground, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing how needy you looked right now. “can i come in?” you whispered, your small voice sending a signal to his dick that it was time to wake up. ony loved how shy you got when you came to back to him, the feeling of pride creeping into his chest every time as he looked at your much smaller form practically beg for him without saying a word.

all he did was move to the side, leaving just enough room for you to walk in before closing the door behind you. ony took in the sight of your outfit. a pretty, yellow sundress that hugged all of your curves as well as some fuzzy little slides that showed the pretty pink paint on your toes. of course these were items he’s bought you, as well as the gold necklace and matching anklet with his initial on it. ony couldn’t help but smile at your eagerness for forgiveness, his dick now fighting with the restraints of his sweats as he watched your ass move as you walked towards his room in the dress he bought you.

before you made it to the bed, you felt his big hands grab at your waist, pulling your back towards his chest as he spoke lowly in your ear. “before we do this i gotta know…..you let him fuck you?” a rush of fear ran through your body, stilling you as you tried your hardest not to look guilty. the feeling of his dick poking your ass distracting you as you took a small breath of air. your action told ony everything he needed to know, a tinge of anger rushing through him as he moved his hand flat on your back before slowly bending you over the bed. “i-it wasn’t like you tho daddy” you whined, your voice dripping with fear as you tried to ease the pain of your actions, but it didn’t work. ony just continued on, lifting up your dress to find that you weren’t wearing any panties before slowly freeing his dick from the confines of his pants. “don’t run”

he thrusted into you without prep or warning, feeding you each and every inch of his dick as you screamed bloody murder in the sheets. your wetness already surrounding him as you felt him already begin to move in and out of you. “must be crazy” his voice was low and taunting, the feeling of his rough palms on your ass making your brain turn to mush. “w-we was never t’gether thooo, and y-you was mean t’me pa” you whined, your words slurred as you tried your best to reason with this man, but ony just scoffed. his hips moving harder and he slid his hand to the back of your neck. he pushed your face deep into the sheets, letting you release your screams there as he angled his dick downward towards your stomach.

“bitch we was always together. who pussy is this? say it” you opened your mouth to speak, but no words came through. just spit and tears reaching the sheets as your walls clenching tighter and tighter around his dick. usually ony would let this slide, but since you liked to go out fucking niggas he had to be a little more stern with you. a hard slap was sent to your ass, the sound bouncing off the walls of his room. the feeling lingered on the fatty flesh as you screamed into the sheets at the contact. “answer me when m’talking t’you mama. unless you want me t’stop” his threat instantly brought you back, your whines much more audible as you lifted your face from the sheets.

“n-nooo don’t stoppp” a smirk planted on ony’s face at your desperation, his hand rubbing the hot skin of your ass while he looked at the white ring of cream surrounding his dick. “then answer me” your pussy fluttered as you told him the words he wanted to hear. “s’yours daddy. s’your pussy” a smirk crept on his face, the golds on the canines of his teeth making an appearance as he moved both of his hands to your waist, pushing your stomach to the bed completely before quickening to a relentless pace. “uhh huh, now tell daddy you sorry” ony’s deep voice sent many shivers down your spine, your arch going even deeper as you felt his dick in your stomach. he pulled your head out of the sheets by your hair, giving you just enough room to talk to him as he continued his brutal pace on your sore pussy. “m’sorry daddy m’never gonna talk to him again”

satisfied with your response, ony gave you a quick “good girl” before easing up just a little, his dick hitting your g spot a little gentler as he pulled your back towards his chest, his hand around your middle as he moved his other towards your chin. his brown eyes looked deep into yours as he searched for any lie, but he found none. ony smiled as he watched your face contort into many ones of pleasure. your release rushing towards you as you fucked your self back on his dick. “you missed daddy baby? missed me right here?” he said, his hand rubbing on your stomach as he felt your walls clench in agreement. you nodded your head, letting out a small “yea” before moving your hand towards your chest, your eyes never leaving his as you pushed down on where your heart was. “m-missed you r-right here too” ony felt his heart swell at the sight, his grills completely bare to you as he gave you a happy smile.

“missed you more mama, next time you touch another nigga ima kill him y’hear me?” your pussy fluttered at his words, eyes struggling to stay straight as you mirrored ony’s smile.

“i hear you”

[artdcnaldson]

https://x.com/valfemdom/status/1820198256074252566?s=46

https://x.com/cuddlesfemdom/status/1820196996319433088?s=46

https://x.com/evafemdom/status/1692915657703034982?s=46

https://x.com/mommymegsboys/status/1819478998423879889?s=46

https://x.com/catboydoodie/status/1819412882490118462?s=46

Here are some of those links I was talking abt cat hehehehe

Also can I be 🍓 anon?

RAHHHHHHH this is so perfect im so obsessed i hope u enjoy my little musings for each 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ happy to expand on any of them if yall want!!

Link 1 — this is soooo teasing virgin!Art to me <333 he’s so desperate for pussy but you tease him telling him his virginity is special and he needs to think before he just gives it away 🥰 but he can fuck your thighs, right near your pussy so he feels how wet and sticky he makes you <3

Link 2 — RAHHHHH overstimming Art 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ his tip is all sensitive and achy from you making him cum once, but it’s just so fun to tease over the head of his cock with your fingers and dig your thumb into his tip until he’s whining and his body jerks with each pass of your hand mhmm mhmmm

Link 3 — Imagining this as an older Art, maybe 2011-ish era? Still got his pretty princess curls but he’s def a little more confident, a baby dom in the making 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ grinding on your strap, fucking into your hand, cumming onto your tits to get off bc you were bratty and don’t deserve to cum, but he can still use you to get off 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

Link 4 — Frankly this is more Patrick to me bc I simply cannot seperate him from the idea of car sex 😵‍💫 BUT…. Fucking art in his jeep after a first date, face down while he pounds against your ass, windows all fogged up, the car rocking on the chassis. He wants to be a gentleman, wants to take things slow, be a decent guy, but your fucking skimpy dress and fuck me eyes were too much for the poor boy :(( just needs to rail into that soaked, tight pussy until his car smells like sex and he needs his car realigned.

Link 5 — ouhghughhhh jerking off art and playing w him after a big match <3 he’s all tired and has so much energy so you just want to help him feel better, to coddle him like he deserves <3 jerking him off with your legs wrapped around him, mouthing at his throat and praising him so sweetly while he whines and pants. Teasing his nipples to really make him squirm. He cums so much, paints all over his chest and tummy until he’s spent and panting and ready to crash.

[loooser-sketches]

PLSPLSPLSPLSPLSPLS I LOVE JAX SO MUCH OH MY GOD. the fact that he is supposed to get WORSE throughout the series has me fucking SCREAMING. i am SO excited. I hope he's absolutely DEPLORABLE by the end of this thing. I hope he's an outright unforgivable irredeemable piece of shit. I don't want him to get better. I don't want any sort of redemption arc. I want an asshole of a character that i feel bad even being a FAN of.

Like honestly, the only reason I dislike the idea of Jax being an NPC so much, is just because I want him to have been a real person so badly. I want him to have had a normal life before this, and I want him to have been a relatively good person before too. I want Jax to be a character who has been put into tragic circumstances and has become worse because of them. AND I DONT WANT HIM TO GET BETTER!! I don't want him to have some sort of redemption arc where all his behavior is explained away by him being a victim of the same godamn circumstances that everyone else has been going through as well who just reacted a little bit more “meanly” than the other characters.

((Not that I think that's going to happen, i have more faith in Gooseworx than that lmao 😭😭))

i LOVE the idea that Jax has been damned to this hell and is only going to make it worse for others just because he can. Just because it makes him feel better. I want Jax to be a sad character, but I don't want to feel bad for him. I want his reactions to all this shit to be understandable, but not forgivable. I want to see this mf ruin any possible good thing he still has left in the circus AND I WANT IT TO BE DESERVED!!!!! RAHHHHH I LOVE DEPLORABLE CHARACTERS IM SORRRYYYYYY 😭😭😭😭!!!!!!

More fanart coming soon.. i love this guy

[leedoodlesstuff]

Adult Orel...aaaaahhhhhhh

YESS I've been waiting for this one 😁

HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS CHARACTER:

I feel very strongly about him in a way like, he's so interesting cuz we don't know anything about how he actually treats his kids or his wife or anything, but we see that they're happy so it can't be an act because they don't know that anyone's watching them, ykwim

what I like about him is that you can basically make him act like anything you want because you don't actually know how he does act in canon, he does seem like he has humility and he's nice and he's humble, he doesn't feel like he's better than anybody else ! but we aren't completely sure

I really want to know what his job is, but it's really fun to assume what he could have done and went to school for and all that yk! I personally believe he's either a teacher at the school or a stay-at-home dad !

ALL THE PEOPLE I SHIP ROMANTICALLY WITH THIS CHARACTER:

obviously Christina because I can't think of anyone else that he would work with better than Christina honestly,

They ARE the canon couple, though you know everything could be compromised by him cheating or her cheating or whatever but I don't think that they're the kind of people who would cheat knowing that their family had affairs while they were growing up 🤝 COUPLE GOALS FOR THEM THO!

MY NON ROMANTIC OTP FOR THIS CHARACTER:

I'd love to see Doughy and his relationship after everything that's happened when they're adults because I feel like Doughy would be a washed up birthday clown or something, like he went to clown school and graduated with a major in he and a minor in ha or some shit yk

I'd also like to see how he is with almost anyone who he's ever been friends with, like Tommy, Joe, and Him

I'd love to see something done with them as adults, like how they would interact with each other after so many years!!

MY UNPOPULAR OPINION ON THIS CHARACTER:

it's not as much of an unpopular opinion as it is I don't like how when people do this to the character is when they make him the perfect parent or the perfect husband like he's not going to be perfect he's traumatizing and not a perfect person so he's not going to be a perfect husband or perfect parent he definitely tries to be one and he tries to believe that he is but he isn't, you know

LET HIM BE FLAWED PLL I personally make him overprotective and a bit guilt-trippy at times 🎀

ONE THING I WISH WOULD HAPPEN/HAD HAPPENED WITH THIS CHARACTER IN CANON:

Obviously giving him much much more screentime, in all honesty he was only on screen for like, 10 seconds with no voice lines whatsoever at the end of the season finale (the last episode of the original show), so yeah ! I really wish we got his voice at least! I would have loved a voice to work off of, but I mean, we can all imagine and have hc of what he could sound like!

Just anything about him would be EXTREMELY nice 😁 /silly

ANYWAY I love the man 💛💛 he deserves so much !!! more !!!!! RAHHHHH TYTY FOR EVERYONE GIVING ME CHARACTERS BTW I RLLY APPRECIATE IT!!!

[generic-sonic-fan]

ayy congrats on the first page fic!! (one of my favorites rahhhhh) totally deserve it your depiction of team dark is the best i've seen :D :D :D

i also had a quick writing question - is "OMG" or "oh me gee" better for dialogue use? been stuck on that one for a while and wanted to see what you thought :3

Thank you so much!!!

As for an answer to your question- I like to save this expression for characters who are digitally savvy to the point where they are using internet expressions in real life! Otherwise, I default to the usual "oh my god" or "oh my gosh" whenever I'm having a character express surprise to avoid the issue. Most people, when talking in real life, don't say the acronym out loud because it's the same number of syllables as the usual expression. But again, if the character is young enough or on the internet enough, you still might have them say it.

Whether or not you choose to use the acronym in the dialogue can depend entirely on the point of view you're writing the story in. For example, a character who's not internet savvy (like Shadow!) might hear the phrase "oh em gee", whereas a character who is more internet savvy (like Tails) might hear the phrase as "OMG" because he would recognize what it actually means. I used this method for Complex Inquiries, because in that fic, Metal Sonic doesn't know what the phrase stands for, so it hears the phrase as "oh em gee".

The same rules apply for other internet acronyms, such as "lol", "IRL", and the like. Alternatively, if the dialogue IS a written form of text, such as a text message, you would write these acronyms as they appear if you were reading the screen.

Hope this helps!

[cloudcountry]

so normally yui would end up with silver hes got all of those disney prince characteristics but in the grim fairytales au she ends up with malleus not only is he a prince but hes closer to the grim versions of fairtales she read as a kid. but if youve ever read a grim fairytale you know how dark they are. mara has had a unrequited crush on yui for years but let her marry malleus because she loved him and mara would mary sebek so she could keep a eye on yui and make sure shes safe. so mara is in a romantically loveless marrage having to watch as the girl she loves marrage slowly starts going to shit. the fights started small malleus not wanting her to go outside and into the valley shes just a human and this place is incredibly dangerous but over time they started to be bigger thing and the relationship continued to rot, yui even blaming herself on the fact that hes her husband she should love him she needs to love him or she will disapoint not just him but the entire valley. they have a really bad argument malleus unintentionally curses yui. it started small being tired faint and dizzy needing a nap or atleast rest to get though a day but over time its getting worse shes frail and looking sickly yui is sleeping so much she shouldnt be having such deep and dark bags. mara has been caring for yui as much as she can and its only getting worse and after comming back from a research trip with no new information she desides to take yui out of the castle and away from mallues. when mara confronts malleus on how alot of this is from him and he mentions how much he has sacrificed to give yui the happily ever after she deserves and mara snapped telling him how much she has sacrifice to make yui happy because mara loves yui more than malleus ever will because all malleus has ever done has hurt yui

just some ideas for grim fairytales au 👀👀👀👀👀

FINALLY MALLEUS ISNT A PERFECET PRETTY BOY I LOVE THAT. YORUE SO REAL FOR THIS THANK YOU HELLO!!!!!

yui deserves better fr :(( why is this so sad mar why did you do this RAHHHHH

[romaritimeharbor]

Addi. I just… something clicked in my brain alright?

So… I have this 2 ocs Manon and Anthony. Both have insane powers from Dottore’s experiments

BUT then I remembered The Promised Neverland plot and the Lambda arc.

So I decided I needed a 3rd oc.

Ivan. He is a House of Hearth kid, that grew up and was taken into the medical division of the Fatui.

The plot starts when the 3 of them go to Hearesys Arena, and Ivan gets a reality shock

Manon and Anthony have a plan already somewhat to free the children and run away. But they need someone on the inside. Ivan decides to help them.

They begin winning the fights in the arena. And Ivan starts slipping more food to the other kids. The pretense is that healthier fighters provide better entertainment

Ivan slowly begins to introduce the idea of the kids fighting each other.

When they are all pushed into the arena (all in the meaning all that could stand and fight. the too weak were left in the cell with a poisonous pill )

And following the plan they break away and Manon using the black fire starts a fire on the building using the cleaning products.

They run away. But it’s an absolutely isolated place in Schezaya and the guards are on the trail. They are hungry. They are weak. But Manon and Anthony and Ivan take care of this children (they are kids themselves, 19 and 22) and they build themselves a family (Because trauma bonding is found family material)

They arrive at Mondstadt gates because it’s the only place without Fatui or danger possibility (Fontaine- H.o.H, Sumeru- crazy scholars, Liyue- Northland bank, Inazuma- Dictatorship)

And there they decide to begin a new life.

But Dottore is absolutely angry that his Arena was destroyed and his soldiers ran away.

So he sends Childe to deceive our 3 main, and bring them back to his lab.

But when he arrives in Mond the kids are already safe and the 3 main are away to Fontaine to try to rescue the House children.

Arc 2 begins:

- Childe looking for them

- Ivan building a network of allies to dismantle the fatui children abuse

- Manon using her shadows to talk to the kids and build a escape plan

- Anthony sweet talking the Nobles into why they should stop giving money to the Fatui

Anyways. I think we are missing an epic fanfic

took me a while to get to this ask but hello beloved!!!! i've never actually seen the promised neverland myself, but nonetheless i love this idea!!!!! loveeeee overthrowing dottore and ruining his plans <3 he deserves it. i don't have much at all to add on unfortunately :( but i do think this is super fascinating and very interesting RAHHHHH ❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️

[drabbles-mc]

here it is!!! the return of my roman empire!!!!!!

the way you immediately set the tone with Mika's palpable anxiety. amazing. chef's kiss. and who could blame her???????!!!!

So much for keeping the information contained between just her and Connie. So much for keeping the DEA out of it. -> the way that all of us, and also Mika, mention any of the alphabet soup government agencies with the same emotion as timmy turner's dad talking about his neighbor

The door fell open to reveal the barrel of a Glock that Kiki had given her years ago, shining in the low light of the car. -> one of the things that Kiki and Mika have in common is that they do NOT fuck around. and i love them both for that. also anytime i see the word "glock" all i can think of is that audio snippet that says, "Glockin' into work. Strapped." and it sends me into fits of giggles every time lmao

She distinctly remembered, as she took in the scene, being afflicted with an almost inappropriate sense of relief that Rita wouldn’t have had to clean all of that up herself. -> this is SUCH a statement and testament to her character. it also makes me want to cry a little bit. but god i just feel like this one sentence really says so much about her and i love every bit of it

Or, her life. Now. -> EXCUSE ME??? HOW DARE YOU????

okay OBVIOUSLY i don't want her to turn Javi into swiss cheese but like. a graze injury after being dumb enough to sneak up on her like that??? karma. evolutionary justice. it would've been deserved but lucky for him Mika has far more restraint than me 😂😂

“But do you, Agent Peña?” / “Do I what?” / “Really matter?” -> YEEESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! god kay there are so many things that i can always count on you to deliver. but letting these women be absolutely EVERYTHINGGGGG is definitely something i know is like. a staple. like coffee at a diner. i know it's always gonna be there and it's always gonna be good. *chefskissjustright*

“You’re not gonna make me invoke my dead husband’s name to shame you into telling me, are you?” -> nah but she's so right for this. if i was her??? a bitch would not hesitate if it was going to get the job done.

“Not something that comes naturally?" He let her hand slid out of his almost reluctantly before crossing his arms. "You wanna explain what that’s supposed to mean, exactly?” -> javi. JAVIER. we both know what this means. your skull ain't that thick. she said it and she was RIGHT!!

i'd copy/paste the dialogue that has me eating popcorn hand over fist but that would just be this ENTIRE conversation. i love her. i love that she is firm and real and honest and angry. she's earned that tenfold!! and tbh Javi needs to hear that shit. god. we love Mika Camarena in this house.

“So, I think a better question is, do you know how fucked up it all is?” -> RAHHHHH. this was such. SUCH a perfect conclusion to what she was saying. my heart hurts for her so much in such a tangible way but this just tied it up so perfectly. I'm in awe.

She looked him up and down, sizing him up like she hadn’t gotten it right the first time and decided, in that moment, she respected him infinitely more than she had just minutes ago. -> nothing to say other than this is such a delicious little piece of description. what a sentence. i can picture it so clearly i could scream.

“It makes sense now, chain-of-command and all that, but if I’d known direct worked better than diplomacy, I would’ve started off yelling.”  -> Mika really is the realest motherfucker out there and i love her for that

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. I LOVE HER. I COULD DROWN MYSELF IN THIS AU. MIKA CAMARENA MY QUEEN.

For Those That Seek the Jungle's Forgiveness | Part 2

(formerly "Gone. Like That." Catch up with -> Part 1)

⁂

Pairing: Mika Camarena & Connie Murphy and Mika Camarena x Javi Peña

Word count: ≈ 5.2K

TWs: Canon-typical violence, major character death, grief/mourning, loss of significant other, discussion of guns

This was an argument she'd had a long time ago with men in fancy suits that held prestigious, official-sounding titles and had absolutely no intention of actually listening. Mika almost accidentally manslaughters Javi when he sneaks up on her on dark street at night, and then she proceeds to roast him for pulling some trick-ass shit, not keeping in contact with Connie while he’s been looking into Steve’s disappearance. Eventually, he accepts that Mika’s 40x smarter and wiser than him and bends the knee to the real comandante of this operation and comes one step closer to realizing he’s lowkey in love with her.

⁂

Mika glanced at her watch. Almost exactly half past eleven. She pulled up and idled in front of Connie and Steve’s place, staring at the front steps and metal railing that led to the black, geometric, lattice work on the front door.

She couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being watched. By who? No clue. But with every tick of her watch, she jumped, confusing it with the phantom sound of a camera snapping. She could already see what the picture might look like: her station wagon parked conspicuously in front of the building, bathed in the warm, sallow glow of the street lights. 

Hand on the wheel, she leaned forward, surveying the street with an outstretched index finger before making a U-turn and parking on the other side of the street. The engine was already off by the time she noticed it in the rear view mirror, a familiar boxy silhouette, two cars back, jacked up on all four wheels, that giant hood covering the back. Shit. It was Javi’s. She’d recognize that jalopy anywhere. So much for keeping the information contained between just her and Connie. So much for keeping the DEA out of it.

Oh well, she’d just have to find a way to convince Javi to go it alone with them. That would probably take some doing. She’d have to call Laura, see if she could look after Kikito and Danny for a few more hours. She hated to be more of a burden but they couldn’t risk Javi getting a bunch of agencies involved that would only eat the clock fighting over jurisdiction, paperwork, money. Plus, Danny loved when Laura showed him all the new additions to their huge fish tank.

Still, it was strange. Didn’t Connie say on the phone that Javi went back embassy? He did live downstairs, though. He might've just stopped at home. But Connie made it sound like he’d left in a rush. Maybe he forgot to tell her something important. That’d make a lot more sense than him being home. Hell, chasing a man they didn’t know and would probably never meet, these guys always found reasons not to come home. Chasing a partner gone MIA? Fucking forget it. So sure, maybe he’d got some news. Maybe he’d booked it back in a hurry because the news was bad. Mika shook her head. No, no, don’t go there. Not yet.

Reaching over, she popped the glove box. The door fell open to reveal the barrel of a Glock that Kiki had given her years ago, shining in the low light of the car. Was she really going to walk around with this now? Was it even necessary? Of course it was. Steve was missing and this place was a war zone. She tucked it into her bag, keeping her hand inside around the grip but off the trigger just like Kiki showed her. This sense of certainty had been almost unthinkable back when he had first suggested he teach her how to use a gun. 

It had been right after the DFS shot Víctor in that cafe and the Guadalajara cartel put a hit out on Roger. A vision of the Knapps’ front yard and driveway, littered with sheets of broken glass, struck her. Goosebumps erupted, traveling up the back of her neck as the memory replayed.

Kiki had been gently rubbing her back while they were watching Roger and Rita frantically jam suitcases in the trunk of their car, the same glass crunching beneath each frenzied step they took. She distinctly remembered, as she took in the scene, being afflicted with an almost inappropriate sense of relief that Rita wouldn’t have had to clean all of that up herself.

Looking from the driveway back to her, Kiki declared almost out of the blue, 'See if Clarice can watch Danny and Kikito sometime this week. I’m gonna take you to the range.’

He was startled when she’d started laughing, beside herself because the whole thing was absurd, right? Except, the look of unwelcome assurance in his eyes, an ominous forecast of what was to come, reminded her that it wasn’t. And that itself was absurd. 

‘Baby, c’mon I’m serious.’ She could make out the ridge of his jaw bone under the skin, tensed to keep his voice low as he shook his head. ‘No. We can’t count on them coming after just me anymore. And I won’t leave you alone without knowing you can at least protect yourself, protect the boys. I’m tryin’ to end this, you know I can’t be with you all the time.’

She took a deep breath to quiet the anxious laughter. A flat look of resignation had passed over her face as she breathed out, ‘No, you’re right. You’re right.’

He put his arm around her and pulled her in so she could rest her head on his shoulder, lips dusting her forehead with a quick kiss.

‘No, I’m sorry. And I know, I know, I know. You don’t even have to say it, okay? As soon as I get this motherfucker Félix, we can start looking for places in San Diego. But right now, I need to know you can take care of business. I mean, look, okay?’ he threw his hand up, waving it around in the direction of the house. ‘Look– I mean, fuckin’ Roger was makin’ fuckin’ pancakes for his kids when they started shooting up the place!’

Mika mumbled something in agreement. 

‘And anyway, you’ll feel better knowing you can kick some ass,’ he looked down and gave her a wink, ‘y’know, the Calexico way.’

The warmth of the smile in his voice got her to crack one too. 

And the thing was, he had been right. She had felt better after that. Taking Kikito to school, baseball practice, doctor’s appointments, going for lunch with Ana and Ronnie, thinking about what guys who pulled her over - like that greaseball with the slicked back hair and sunglasses - would do if she flashed a gun when she reached for her license instead of cash. It might not have changed the outcome much. But at least they wouldn’t have been so smug, knowing she wasn’t going to make things easy for them. The naive part of her that had been stuck back in Calexico knew how insane that was. But the part of her there, in Guadalajara, had understood that’s simply how things needed to be. Such was their life.

Or, her life. Now.

And would you look at that? Steve gone, it was all hell breaking loose, all over again. Except whatever optimism she might’ve clung to back then like a deflating life raft went to the grave with Kiki. So, these days, she had no problem admitting she felt better with a gun. Kiki put it as, ‘knowing she could kick some ass.’ Today, she thought of it as more, in the likely event that she didn’t survive, she could make whoever decided to fuck with her regret choosing her to fuck with.

She steeled herself with a breath before opening the car door, then pulled the handle and swung it open. Kicking one leg out and whipping her head around to check the street, she felt like a periscope rising out of the sea, slowly standing up. Clear. Good. And with more self-assurance than she felt, she shut the car door, locked it, and made a beeline for the concrete stairs of the building entrance, fighting every step of the way not to give over to the mental image of being tracked by crosshairs, to not think about a little red dot on her back right where her heart would be. 

Halfway to the other side of the street, a voice rang out from the dark behind her. “Hey stranger.”

She stopped cold, heart pounding so fiercely, she wondered if maybe she hadn’t been right about the crosshairs and this was what being shot was like. Relief nearly knocked her on her ass when, glancing down to make sure she was still in one piece, she realized there was nothing. Hand still gripping the gun in her bag, she whipped around faster than she could think, nearly clocking Javi in the jaw with the barrel. Just barely dodging the blow, his hands went up in a gesture of armistice, and froze like that in the middle of the street, laughing awkwardly. 

“Oh my god, you scared the shit outta me. Enserio, cabrón? Has vuelto loco? Sneaking up behind a woman on a dark street? In one of the most dangerous cities in the world? Do you have a death wish?”

“Er, sorry. Yeah, I guess I sorta forgot living in a place as, uh–”

“Lawless? Insane as Medellin?”

”I was gonna say uh, unpredictable— but yeah, of course this isn’t really be new to you, is it? Pero,” he slowly brought one of his hands down and pushed the gun barrel to the side with his index finger to inspect it, “pues tengo que admitir que no esperaba que sí estuvieras tan preparada.”

He put his hand back up but something in looking at the gun made him drop his shoulders and relax into that familiar, annoying, Saturday-afternoon, Javier-‘The Man’-Peña posture he assumed when he was especially pleased with himself. 

“What?” Mika’s eyebrows shot up. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Man, I don’t know how to tell you this exactly,” he said, scratching his forehead. “But at the risk of er— taking a bullet to the face when I do, I— well, you should probably know that, uh … well, your safety’s on.” 

From the position marked with a tiny, engraved letter “S,” the safety switch mocked Mika as much as the upturned sides of Javi’s mustache. He kept his hands up as if to reassure her that she was still in control but doing a piss-poor job because he couldn’t seem to hide that shit eating smirk on his face. 

“Well,” she narrowed her eyes and shrugged, trying to play it off, “maybe I’m not out to get anyone killed. Maybe I just wanna scare them. You think anyone who matters is really gonna notice?” 

He cocked his head like a curious puppy, smiling even more, “I did.” 

“But do you, Agent Peña?” 

“Do I what?” 

“Really matter?” Mika shot back, voice laden with sarcasm but enough good humor to show she didn’t mean it.

They stared at each other for a moment and the combination of the half-wounded expression on his face and the way the street lights lit it orange like a fake tan made her want to laugh. 

“Ah shit,” she glanced down the barrel of the gun, tipping it slightly to the side, “that is such a Soccer Mom move. But y’wanna know what’s worse?” 

A touch of curiosity came to keep Javi’s smirk company, the desire to hear her answer punctuated by his silence.  

Mika shrugged. “My kids don’t even play soccer.”

Javi looked down, shoulders shaking as he tried to direct his laughter into the pavement instead of at her. It didn’t matter though because she was laughing too. Standing in the middle of the street, they dropped their hands and busted up together so synchronously, it looked almost rehearsed.

Once their little fit subsided, Javi was the first to come up for air. “So, what’s a rogue lady of the DEA wives’ club doing on an empty street in Bogotá this late at night? Besides trying to murder me with— what is–? Hold on, is that an MHS?” Javi grabbed her hand to get a better look at the piece. “Man, where’d you manage to get one of these?” 

Perplexed, Mika’s eyes darted down to the gun because for all she knew about firearms, it might as well have been a potato that she was holding. “Uhhh, it was a gift from Kiki’s partner. So, I could learn how to use one. Obviously,” she rolled her eyes, “you can see how well that went.”

“Man,” he said, letting it go with such fondness, “I didn’t even know they still made those things.” Which again, made as much sense as if he were marveling at a potato she was holding. “Y’know those are one of the only kinds of Glocks they made with slide mounted safety.”

She kept switching focus from Javi to the gun, trying to figure out what was so special about it, before realizing she didn’t actually care, “Alright, nerd,” and dropped her arm at her side.

“Yeah, yeah. Well, anyway,” Javi said, back to reality, “I think you were about to explain the reasons for my brush with death?”

“What? Before you got sidetracked, being all nerdy and shit?” 

“Sure, yeah.” 

“Well, what? You can’t guess?” Mika looked up at Connie’s window on the second floor and then back at Javi, whistling. “Man, you boys at the DEA must be losing your touch. They’ll hire anyone these days.” 

Javi rolled his eyes, “Ha ha ha” finally letting his hands drop, palms smacking his hips on the way down. “C’mon, put yourself in my position. Sure, that wild look of biblical hellfire in your eyes is gone, but you’ve still got that,”  he gestured at her side, “in your hand? So, y’know– thought it best to keep the conversation light.” 

“Whoops,” Mika said, chuckling and checking that the safety was still on before putting the gun back in her purse. 

Glancing at the empty street around them, Mika realized this might be a good opportunity to needle Javi for more info while she had him alone. Before he could clam up in front of Connie. “So, any news about Steve? I’m guessing that’s why you came back here, and not for a night cap and a bedtime story.” 

Javi regarded her, amused but not without suspicion, brows cinched as he caught his tongue between his teeth. Another mannerism of his Mika had picked up on in the few years she’d known him. Historically, she’d found it kinda cute when he wasn’t being evasive and annoying. When he was, she found herself hoping he’d slip and bite down a little too hard. 

Right now, he was being evasive and annoying. 

“Please, Javi. Don’t make me go there.”

”Sorry?” 

She eyed him with a measure of regret, acutely aware that his foot had just hit the metal plate of the conversational trap she’d just set and the mechanical jaws were about to clamp shut. “You’re not gonna make me invoke my dead husband’s name to shame you into telling me, are you?” There they went. 

His hands flew to his hips as he cocked one out to the side, face morphing from suspicious to pained and almost pleading. But still, nothing. 

With that, all regret evaporated and Mika just rolled her eyes, turning on her heels and headed for the door of the apartment building.  She made it to the other side of the street and up the steps but paused, fingertips on the handle, when she realized he wasn’t following her. 

“Cmon Agent Peña, just tell the truth.” Turning around, she shifted the weight of her bag on her shoulder so she could grab the spare key from one of its pockets. “Look, I know it’s not something that comes naturally to you boys in blue, but just think of it as practice. You know, for when you talk to Connie.”

Javi’s eyes darted from her, to the window of Connie and Steve’s apartment on the second floor, then back at her, then back down at the ground. Weighing his options, it seemed, he stood like that for what felt like ages before rubbing his face, grumbling into his palms, “Ah, fine. Fuck it.” 

Mika turned back to the door, taking a mental victory lap - gotcha - as she swung it open. 

And in a few long strides over to and up the stairs, skipping every other step, Javi was slipping in the door right behind her. He followed her down the hallway, both of them walking in silence, past his apartment, up the first flight of stairs, until, when turning to climb the next flight, he was seemingly unable to contain himself. “Hey. What’d you mean back there?” 

Mika kept pace about to start up the next set of stairs, paying him no mind.

He raised his voice to a kind of whisper-yell, grabbing her hand before she could get too far up the stairs, “Mika!” 

She turned around and walked back down stopping a step above him.

“Not something that comes naturally?" He let her hand slid out of his almost reluctantly before crossing his arms. "You wanna explain what that’s supposed to mean, exactly?”

There was more vulnerability in this than anger, the words of a boy on the playground whose feelings were hurt because someone kicked over his sandcastle.

She almost felt sorry for him but Connie’s words, thick with tears rang in her ears. Javi left before I could ask him anything. All he said was that he thinks Steve’s alive, but that just means he’s not sure he’s dead.

And all of a sudden, the long since dormant bitterness and fury that had made its home deep in the pit of her stomach when Kiki died came back to collect. With interest. It burned in her chest so tangibly, it felt like some toxic, poisonous gas all these years had been incubating in her body for all of these years that she was about to unleash with the steady stream of a flamethrower. Poor Javi. He was in for it.

The tragic part, the part she’d feel guilty about later, was that none of this was his fault. It was some bureaucrat’s, some bored old bastard, way up the chain of command, tucked away in some embassy office, sat behind a titanic mahogany desk so expensive it could cover the down payment on her house, even though he did nothing but shuffle papers around, shake hands, kiss babies, make phone calls to grieving wives and mothers to give them that familiar speech: Why yes, everything is under control, ma’am. We’re doing all that we can, ma’am. Well hey now, there’s no reason to raise your voice, ma’am. You just need to understand these things take time. Now, please take a seat over there so I can pretend like you’re not wasting mine, ma'am.

Unfortunately for Javi, he was the one in front of her. And there was nowhere else for it to go. He’d looked like he’d taken a few on the chin in his day, but she couldn’t be sure he could bounce back from this one. Not that it mattered. This was an argument she’d had a long time ago with men in fancy suits that held prestigious, official-sounding titles and had absolutely no intention of actually listening. If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one around to hear it, does it still make a sound?

Christ, was this going to be any different? 

“Look,” Mika sighed, “Connie already told me everything you’ve shared with her.” 

Looking like he was frozen in time, Javi stood there, forehead pinched in a moment of calculation. As much as he seemed unsure of what to expect, at the same time, he was aware enough not to insult her by playing completely dumb. 

“And to be honest?” she continued, crossing her arms. “So far, that ‘everything’ sounds like a whole lotta nothing.” 

Javi winced but managed to sputter out, “I don’t know what you’re talk—“ 

“Please. Don’t patronize me with all that,” Mika’s fingers came up to make air quotes, “‘What on earth could you mean?’ bullshit” and then ended the bit, dropping her hands at her hips. “Don’t you think I’ve had enough of that for a lifetime?” 

Eyes wide, mouth open, Javi looked stunned, the inevitable ‘What are you talking about?’ stuck in his throat, leaving him with nothing to say or do but wait for her to elaborate. 

“You wanna know what I’m talk—? Fine, fine. I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you exactly what I’m talking about.” With a clipped breath, she steadied herself. “You think you’re protecting Connie by keeping her in the dark. Gone for hours, not answering her calls, not checking in, not telling her where you’ve been, who you’ve talked to, where you’re going.” 

Her eyes pinned Javi in place, right there in the middle of the stairway. Perhaps trying not buckle under the weight of decades of forfeited accountability, in an effort to cope, he shrank back trying to become one with the wall. But Mika wasn’t done. 

“She’s not some precious fucking flower who’ll wilt at any mention of the truth. And she’s not an idiot. She deserves the facts and your honest assessment about well,” she waved her hands, “whatever is going on. And that includes what you think Steve’s chances are.” 

“His chances?” 

“Of being alive, Javi.” 

His jaw tightened hard, lips pursed like he was sucking on a lemon, and he paused for a long time before launching into the same good-ole-boy schpiel she’d heard a thousand times. With Javi though, there was a well-veiled but desperate sincerity with which he delivered it that reminded her of Jaime. “With all due respect Mika, I can’t— I don’t know if you understand the moving pieces at play here. How rigged the system is. How— well, how beyond fucked up it all is.”

Mika’s head sank, chin nearly touching her chest. However sincere, it wasn’t enough. 

“Y’know,” she spoke down at the ground, through a cruel, thin laugh, “I don’t bring this up often because it doesn’t make for great dinner conversation, certainly not an ice breaker. But since you’re such a man, I bet you can handle it,” and then looked back up to him with a smile that came nowhere close to her eyes. “When I arrived at the ME’s office to identify Kiki’s body, do you know what they were picking out of the gaping wounds on his head?” 

The look on Javi’s face said he wasn’t touching that with a ten-foot pole. He didn’t need to.

“Chunks of rebar and wood. Along with pieces of his skull.” 

A war waged in Javi’s eyes between heartbreak and indignation but he was smart enough to know that now was not the time to give voice to either. 

“Correct me if I’m wrong, maybe I’m mistaken. But were you there, Agent Peña? Were you the one to survey all the wounds he had? Did you read the coroner’s report– the one with that stupid, generic outline of a body that cataloged each and every injury? Did you see how riddled his body was? With bruises? Cuts? Welts? Burns?” She shook her head like she still couldn’t believe it. “Actual holes?”

His face conveyed nothing but heartbreak now. No matter that these were all rhetorical questions, it was the right answer. 

“So, I think a better question is, do you know how fucked up it all is?”

Eyes cast off to the side, Javi was quiet for a long time, rolling his tongue along the inside of his cheek, likely trying to decide what, if anything, to say, until he was reanimated by a moment of epiphany. He stood up straight, no longer resembling a shriveled barnacle, stuck to the wall. And it all came out, practically in one breath. 

“Alright, alright. Fine. You want the truth? The truth is, I have no idea. I have” he threw up his hands with the frustration of a man whose luck had run out, finally folding at the poker table, “not a fucking clue who took him. Nothing. No leads. No evidence. Except my colleague’s contacts in the military haven’t caught wind of anything about a DEA being taken by Escobar’s people, so it’s probably not him and I’ve just been trying to keep things quiet so th—“ 

“So you don’t get him killed by spooking the kidnappers because you turned law enforcement onto a big search. That’s a song and dance I remember.” 

“Right,” Javi carried on without missing a beat. “Which means I’ve got no help from the embassy, no help from my own agency, no help from the military. And I sure as fuck don’t want help from any of those shady fucks in the CIA. So yeah,” he;d been talking so fast, he was nearly gasping now, “I think— since it’s not Escobar, I think he might— well, might be—” 

“Dead.”

He exhaled a defeated, “Yeeup.”

After her little speech, Mika wasn’t sure what Javi would come back with but she didn’t expect him to fold quite so easily. He was an even easier nut to crack than Jaime had been when he came to give her the news that he’d found Kiki’s car. To be fair, she did have more leverage now, what with Kiki already being dead. Everyone already got their crash course, a ‘How-To’ in ‘What-Not-To-Do’ when a DEA agent goes missing. Still, she expected more resistance, more half-truths couched in platitudes, more bullshit. But he didn’t do that to her. 

She looked him up and down, sizing him up like she hadn’t gotten it right the first time and decided, in that moment, she respected him infinitely more than she had just minutes ago. 

“Okay,“ she began, breaking the silence. “Besides Escobar, who else would take him? Could it be someone in the government? Maybe loyal to the cartel but, I don’t know,” she shrugged, “operating without Escobar’s say-so?” 

Javi shook his head, “We have most of the financials of his operation, who takes his bribes, who’s on his payroll. Shit, half of them are bribed by us to look the other way when it’s convenient,” and looked wearily off to the side, grumbling, “The fuckin’ good guys, right.”

“Yeah, it seems like, no matter where you go, these ‘company’ men don’t have any real loyalty. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s some kind of professional code that the rest of us don’t know about.” 

Mika thought of Heath and the dozens of others in the DEA, Homeland Security, Defense Department, men in the same gray suits offering the same recycled condolences and half baked apologies in the months after Kiki died. She didn’t bother to wipe the stray tear that escaped down her cheek.

Javi shoved his hands in his pockets like he didn’t know what to do with them.

“Alright,” Mika said, with a knowing smile. “Well. There. That wasn’t so hard, now was it.”

“Oh sure, yeah, real piece of cake,” he scoffed. 

They were both quiet, staring at each other until Javi piped up, “Y’know actually, I hear there are some teaching positions open at that uh,” he snapped his fingers, “whatsit, the School of the Americas? Yeah, they could learn a thing or two from you. Call it Emotional Blackmail and Interrogation Techniques 101. You should look into that. Might be your calling. I hear the pay’s nothing earth shattering. But the health benefits— tsk great.” 

Mika looked down at the floor, chuckling. 

“Although, I gotta say, that biblical hellfire look? That is— phew,” he waved his hand in front of her face and she giggled, “that is raw talent. Can’t teach that. So alright, what's next, patrona, Ms. Inquisition? What do we do now?” 

“Well,” Mika’s nose scrunched, giving way to real laughter this time which helped her to break the news gently, “for starters, you’re gonna tell Connie everything you just told me.” 

Javi opened his mouth to protest, but she cut him off. “Look, if nothing in the last five minutes told you I’m not here for bullshit, maybe this will: as his wife, she deserves the truth.”

He crossed his arms again, quietly defensive.

“And as his wife, you might be able to leverage her, in case the higher ups try to play games, drag their feet on this.”

“Sorry,” he leaned forward like he didn’t hear her right, “leverage?”

“You said it yourself, you have no leads. It’s time to take this up the ladder, and there’s more than one of those, yes?” 

Javi groaned. 

“Look, when Kiki went missing, no one did anything at first. His boss Jaime was the only one looking. There was more traction when I got involved. But really,” she shook her head in awe,  like she still couldn’t believe it, “it’s not ‘till I lost my shit on one of the deputy directors in Mexico City that things started happening.” 

Get off your ass and start helping the other agents. Go find my fuckin’ husband! 

“It makes sense now, chain-of-command and all that, but if I’d known direct worked better than diplomacy, I would’ve started off yelling.” 

Javi raked his hands over his face. 

“So now, you need to figure out which ladder to take this up to.” 

“Yeah, okay,” his palms were nearly in his eye sockets now, “so when I figure that out, you want me to what—“ then dropped them from his face with a sigh. “Parade Connie, the distraught maybe-widow in front of whatever executive leadership and hope that’ll force them to act?” 

“Jesus Javi, it’s not like you’re a stage parent forcing your kid do pageants.” 

“Might as well be.”

“Don’t trivialize this, okay? This could work. Connie’s more than someone’s wife. She’s a person. And she’s smart. Articulate. Not only that, she’s a blonde-haired, blue-eyed nurse for god’s sake. America’s sweetheart. And frankly, she can be convincing to whatever executive leadership in a way that you can’t. I mean, let’s face it, all your police-radio jargon, letter-of-the-law, doublespeak nonsense, none of you law enforcement guys know how to properly emote.”

Javi laughed at that such fullness and depth, Mika realized that every time she’d heard him laugh before had been nothing but a pitiful shadow, a cheap imitation of the real thing. They'd known each other for a two years. How long could it have been since he'd laughed like that?

“Okay, Press Secretary Camarena. Point taken.”

“Plus, you have a trump card this time. Something Jaime and I didn’t have.” 

“Oh yeah. What’s that?” 

“The myth, the legend, the man himself, Kiki Camarena. Or really, the stain on the squeaky clean record of the DoD. The death of the myth, the legend, the man.” 

Javi chewed on that in silence, along with the inside of his cheek.

“Believe me, that’s a level of public scrutiny they don’t ever want to see again. They’ll avoid it at all costs. Especially if the government wants to keep selling weapons to anti-communist guerrillas. Undisturbed.” 

“Jesus Mika,” Javi kicked back off the wall, eyes wide with admiration, and she could practically see the lightbulb above his head, “You really have thought this whole thing through.” 

She bit back the tears welling in her eyes, an inexplicable wave of self-consciousness sweeping over her, and all she could think to do was shrug. “When someone dies, like how Kiki died, you always hear people talk about the hours they spent agonizing over it. Not sleeping for weeks, months— because you can’t help it. It’s involuntary. You think about things, replay every moment, every interaction– what could I have possibly said, done differently? What didn’t I see before it was too late?”

She swiped the tears off her cheeks and swallowed hard. He looked at her, touched by the peculiar sorrow that can only accompany surrogate grief. 

“Not many people get a chance to see the ‘what-ifs’ through. Me? I’ve had seven years to think about it. What I’d do differently. And now, I can use that to protect someone I love? Shit, this?” she smiled, making a gun gesture at Javi and pulling the trigger, “pschew. This is my shot.”

Javi just looked at her, dumbstruck. 

“Whatever happens,  god forbid, if Steve dies, however this plays out, it sure as hell won’t be because I wasted my shot.” 

With that, she turned, and walked up the stairs to the second floor. 

⥈

taglist: @narcolini, @drabbles-mc, @ladygoatee, @ashlingiswriting, @ashlingnarcos, @kesskirata @artemiseamoon, @cositapreciosa, @rerorero-my-cherry

[becauseplot]

Thanks for eating the brainfog it has abated for now 👍Crazy how like, sleeping and eating food will improve your mental state people should do this more often /sarc. Also yeah oof. At least have groceries now? Groceries in fridge yippee?

Yeah, if stainless steel could love you back sure is a. It sure is. I've only heard good things about it. A rare rated-E-for-goreviolence-and-nothing-else fic set after the regret arc with a hearty helping of paranoia, medical trauma, and insaneduo being, well, them.

Ohhhh that is so much actually. Love me a good fate-worse-than-death, and how time-travel means saving some but potentially losing others. And the fact that you can go back in time and see that he was a good, decent person all of this (because of COURSE he was, of course the writers decided to go for the gut-punch, ow ow ow.) The second-person fic sounds so interesting. I feel like a lot of people sleep on second-person---myself included. I just haven't had a reason to use second-person. It's very immersive, needless to say. If you're cool w it, and you don't think it would be utterly lost on me---someone who knows nothing about ffxiv (Final Fantasy 14 I'm assuming?)---I'd love to read it. (And yeah I know the feeling. It's why I suppose writing fic for yourself first and others second is so important, otherwise when you write something and the validation doesn't come it's ouch. I still get that feel tho, I've got some fics floating around that I wish got more attention but it's whatev we keep ballin.)

Gel pens my beloved holy shit. And yeah writing on paper helps so much, I still whip out a notebook on occasion when I'm struggling on a scene. Last time I did it was for *flips through current notebook* a scene in Prime Meridian, actually! It was over a month ago tho and just a few pages. Also godDAMN your sister is insane /pos that's like hardcore writing. Hats off to her jfc I'm scared of her now lmao.

Gently holding ghost child you deserved better :( <3 go home be safe.

Yeah I know what you're saying about qForever and being "tainted". Personally I'm fine reading fics with him but writing him is...like in theory I'm okay with it? Idk if I'd be ok writing his POV (tbf that might just be that I'm not comfortable in his POV bc I've never written it idk) but I'd definitely be hesitant to upload it. Maybe one day, if have qForever brainworms.

*deep breath* ARCHIVISTS ARCHIVISTS ARCHIVISTS RAHHHHH. Been a minute since I've done that. One of these days I will write for them unfortunately *rattles brain* HELLOOOOOOO?????

Fucking felt. That sounds really nice king, I'm glad. I'm currently holding out for the next few weeks until spring break comes and I get to travel home and see my family, as well as my friends who are also off at university. My spring break actually lines up with theirs this year so we can actually have a chance to hang out. God I miss them. Also I might land an internship at my cousin's work this summer so that would be Epic.

Cellbit is cracked beyond belief holy shit. Mans did two six hour (SIX HOUR) sessions in his second language and absolutely killed it, both literally and metaphorically. The way he says "I'm so sorry," is like driving a stake through my chest every single time I rewatch that clip. In that moment, he---the creator and orchestrator of this world---is directly apologizing to the characters because he knows what is going to happen, and he knows they cannot escape it, and he knows that it will fucking hurt in a way that the characters could never even begin to understand until it happens; and when he says it, you can tell that he, the narrator, is truthfully, genuinely sorry for them. Like dude that is so fucked up. That is so so so fucked up and it makes me want to throw up oh so violently 10/10.

Cannot wait to finish this series if not for the ending but for all the shit we can scream at each other about when I'm no longer in a spoiler danger zone. I'm making my way through ep 11 right now but haven't gotten very far (they're at the tavern and the townspeople are Not happy with them because they're suspicious but things seem to have been settled for now, and now the group is just discussing. And man the way that Joui's new form is starting to drive a wedge between them surely this won't escalate surely surely <-SCARED)

The membrane and the Order takes and takes and takes and takes. And Liz and Joui and Thiago make me insane and Ceasar and Arthur are so so much and if anything happens to them,,,, hhhorugh. Tengo miedo tengo miedo.

Sounds like a good time dude, have fun pulling the rug out from under your players :D Lots of working parts which are cool but also *work* I get it, I get it. Corpse expert Factorial on the case o7.

Man that professor was like, one of the best profs I've ever had. Never seen someone so outright passionate about what they were teaching, and he always took suggestions and feedback from the students. Every week we'd do reading and have a question prompt and just have a full class discussion. Genuinely one of the most eye-opening classes I've ever taken fr.

Yeah, Mysticism sure is. It's a lot! Interesting, but a lot to think about. The More is supposed to be part wonderful part terrifying part a billion other confusing things. Whole lotta Shit(tm), I get it. Life be Life-ing and sometimes it's great and sometimes it hates you and sometimes you just sit on the couch with a friend and laugh at shitty reality TV and breathe.

Make another au do it I dare you <-demons on your shoulders ignore them (or dont)

Ohhhhh more music!! Fucking love music oohohohoh. I'll check them out. I've got a lecture starting in like 60 seconds so I gotta run but I'm adding them to the list later rest-assured!! :D

finished ep 10 of osnf (long post under the cut oh lord)

crying sobbing kicking over chairs screaming CELLBIT IS AN EVIL EVIL MAN WHY WOULD HE DO THAT. FOR WHAT REASON. POR CUAL RAZÓN. LO ODIO. <-said with the utmost adoration and respect of a writer but the fury of a fan who just had to endure all of that my hearttttt 0(-(

god fuck i have thoughts and feelings regarding episode 10 of osnf. obviously. i don't even know how to start.

okay. first of all the way that he was able to orchestrate the like 57839 different POVs of the nightmare happening at the same time was actually pretty smooth, all things considered. being able to forcibly mute/deafen the others is a good thing to be able to do yesyes.

second, im losing my mind over how he hides the fact that "it's all a dream" WITHIN the "it's all a dream" trope by having the creatures be manifestations of dreams/guilt in "reality" themselves. idk if i'm making any sense, but like, you get it, right? like, it's the fact that we thought we had already discovered the dream-based deceit in the segment because of what the "Hotelier" told Joui at the start of it, but it turns out that THAT was a red-herring of sorts for the TRUE dream-based deceit, that EVERYTHING was a dream, not just the creatures. god there are fucking layers to this im foaming at the mouth that's soooo good.

i guess that's what makes the "it's all a dream"-style trope present here feel less cliche. because, you know, it is a trope, and it's not really a trope that i'm fond of, but because there's actually more going on, it feels less cheap. what certainly helps is that the fact that it's roleplay, so the reactions from the characters are so much more raw, and there are some irl stakes (character dead = out of the series = can't play anymore). that definitely keeps you on the edge of your seat.

edit: something i forgot to mention—what i dislike abt the “it’s all a dream” trope the most is that it is very easily something that can be so, so cheap. all angst, no stakes or consequences, no lasting impact on the plot on the characters. however, not only is there a “physical” impact via several characters losing SHITLOADS of sanity (something not easily recovered) but we get to see a little more into the psyche of the characters. which i suppose is often the point of the “it’s all a dream” segments, but this dream—one with a lot of references to past major character death and itself contains major character death—rings especially true for the themes of the series: the world they live in is dangerous, and the work they do is lethal. people have and will die. and they do and will feel guilty, reguardless if they are at fault. it’s not a horrifying death dream just for the sake of being a death dream, it feels grounded in their reality, and i love that.

third, man he did not hold back. when Arthur was being beaten to a pulp by not!Brúlio, i was actually in shock, i was screaming. plus, i think the fact that Cellbit rolled a 001 when not!Brúlio attacked actually helped to hide the fact that this was a dream. it made it look like it was bad luck rather than the segment was designed to kill the characters (well, at least until he revealed that the damage was 1d4+1d6, but i'll get to that later).

gosh the narration of how not!Brúlio killed Arthur. holy shit. i don't. i don't even have words, that is DEVASTATING. that is probably one of the worst ways for a person to go. i know it's a dream but if i were Arthur i would be emotionally fucked up beyond belief. beaten to a bloody pulp by the father who once loved you so much, screaming at you for abandoning him and that it's your fault he died a horrible death. and then he drops your body on the ground like you're nothing but a pile of useless meat. god. damn.

and then Liz. ohhhh Liz. i just. i was devastated. her whole struggle with Alex, the man she treated so horribly. yes it's true the real Alex never would have said these things to you, but how do you know he wasn't thinking it? that he didn't want to? that what not!Alex says doesn't hold some truth? christttt. and of course the way she dies: in complete agony. and did she forgive herself? because, unlike with not!Brúlio, the creature turned into that weird wispy black thing just as she died, and i would assume that means she forgave herself (if those rules even apply considering this was all a result of the parasite's deceit (holy hell my brain is melting i am the man with the hand on the conspiracy board)).

fourth: the 1d4+1d6 thing! when he read that out, i was stunned. that is a LOT of damage considering all of the characters have ~10 HP. with an extreme roll, that's basically an insta-kill, or it's easily a two-hit-kill. i thought Arthur was unlucky, but when Liz also went down, i was---well, devastated, at first, because that's Liz, she's my absolute favorite and i love her, but i started going through all five stages of grief at once, and at some point i arrived at "no that can't be right" because Cellbit is a good writer. and to deliberately construct a scenario where it would be VERY hard for a character to survive while still in the middle of the story? yeah. and yknow the fact that there's still 6 other episodes fhdsjk. (then again the series continues regardless if a character dies and i haven't looked at other episodes' thumbnails or anything like that for this exact reason. so. i was going in as blind as i could reasonably be.)

in any case, realizing and connecting all of this and then hearing the "Hotelier" start yelling at Joui right after Liz died explicitly blaming him for it sealed it for me: this is a trick of some sort. this is a dream sequence of some sort. these aren't real deaths. (a smaller part of me was still scared that they were real because i know that Cellbit does not shy away from killing off his players' characters, if op and opq are anything to go by. but i digress.)

and then the characters turned to black goo. and i just about threw my computer. rip Luba who got absolutely targeted by the GM lmfao.

anyway uhhh that's about it regarding the dream sequence! loving luzidius!joui and how he just keeps switching back and forth. ((and it further supports my little side-theory that the mysterious blond woman last seen with Team Kelvin was a luzidious we win these.)) i was surprised to see Liz thinking it was so cool when she's been so suspicious of everything in Santo Berco since she got here, but i think she could definitely be using it as a distraction from what she just went through, and honestly she's just happy to see Joui is okay. (the way she gave on up words and just hugged him, the way she held his face in her hands, the way she dragged him down the hall to show Thiago and Thiago was just telling her to fuck off (/aff) because he was getting dressed, my heartttt i love these three, mentor-mentee dynamics my fucking beloved)

also new outfits! sweet! istg the new outfits are so Cellbit's way of apologizing for putting his friends through that. "hey sorry i killed your character in the most emotionally devastating way possible it will happen again wOAH LOOK AT THESE NEW CLOTHES AREN'T THEY SO COOL YOU SHOULD TRY THEM ON!!!"

i've been having mixed feelings about the sudden setting/genre change since the group arrived in Santo Berco. i really, really loved the urban horror-fantasy vibe that they had going on in op and the first 8 eps of osnf, but evidently, this is good as well. the genre is most definitely still horror yippee. i definitely miss the urban-modern setting, but i think i can get adjusted to this. (i'm just,,, not the biggest fan of the auto-heal crystals im sorry i had to say it they feel too op i know their use is limited to visiting the doctor but knowing they exist lowers the in-world stakes for me im sorry---)

anyway, ep 10! you beautiful monster! i have been typing for an hour! i need to go eat food! k bye!