#he couldn’t pick between mizi and ivan

[quishquosh]

luka is gonna pull up to round 7 in this. trust me.

[crustyfloor]

Ways of endearment for the observers

Was there a part of you hoping you could mimic what they had?

Status: Completed

Words: 2k

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Mizi and Sua were something special, among all the other kids in Anakt Garden. They were the closest to each other. Ivan hadn’t seen Sua smile more when she wasn’t near Mizi. Mizi had that kind of effect on people Ivan guessed.

“Mizi….for you.” 

Ivan observed the two from his desk nearby. In Sua’s hand was a miniature version of a flower crown and a rare look of nervousness on her face when the creation was taken by Mizi. But of course, even though it looked bad. Nothing compared to the ones Till made. Mizi still accepted it with a big smile and grabbed Sua in a tight hug to which the other girl averted his eyes and mumbled something Ivan couldn’t hear.

Till liked flower crowns. If the many hours Ivan had spent seeing Till make flower crowns with ease all the time even when they weren’t meant for anyone in particular was any proof. If he liked them so much, Ivan wondered. If he were to make one for Till instead, would Till like it the way Mizi does?

And so here he was now, carefully threading two stems together as he remembered seeing Till do it many times before, though admittedly Ivan wasn’t as good at this, the result was anything but a proper flower crown. But he still found himself proud of it, proud enough to present it to Till with a smile. 

“What’s that..?”

Till asks as he glances up from his notepad and pauses his rapid scribbling. Instead, focusing on the flower crown Ivan was holding. And not the Mizi doodle. Just Ivan. 

“It’s a flower crown,” Ivan said with a practiced chirpy tone as he placed it on Till’s head, a single flower fell onto Till’s lap. “Do you like it?” 

Till slowly took the flower crown off and gave a look when the whole thing crumpled from the impact and then snorted. 

“No. it’s bad.” 

“Oh.” Ivan breathed. Well, he knew that already. So it didn’t hurt when Till said it, but maybe a part of him was expecting Till to put on a smile anyway and be happy about it, but alas he wasn’t like Mizi in that sense. 

There was silence a long stretch of silence between the two, awkward as Till averted his eyes and huffed, grabbing the bundle of flowers with bent stems. 

“Sit down…. I’ll teach you how to make a better one” Till replied curtly, snapping Ivan out of his thoughts and he immediately took a seat next to Till as he began explaining how to properly tie the stems together. 

‘Well….This is good enough too.’

————

Till was beside him, still visibly seething after taking a thorough scolding from their teacher for drawing during class. 

This didn’t stop Ivan from trying to tease Till about it when they took their seats at lunch, which caused him to get a thorough verbal beating from Till…. so it was apparent Till was too busy to talk. 

That left Ivan with nobody to talk to but two eyes to look around and entertain himself by watching his peers. Mostly everyone was minding their business and eating if not talking to the person beside them. Ivan’s eyes were easily drawn to the vibrant pink hair that stuck out among the crowd first. A few tables away Mizi and Sua were sitting together as they always were. Seemingly in their own world as Mizi was happily talking, facing Sua who was more focused on the braid she was making with the thick strand of Mizi’s hair than what Mizi was saying but still nodded and replied things Ivan couldn’t hear now and then. 

Ivan averted his eyes away from the girls and back to Till who had looked to calm down, distractedly stabbing the small pile of white rice on his tray with his spoon. Ivan’s mind went to a time when Till had mumbled something along the lines of “Would she touch my hair too if I grew it longer…” and when Ivan popped up behind him and asked what he said Till jumped in place and proceeded to shout at Ivan. 

Ivan had read in one of those cheesy romance books that he happened to pick up one day and put back the next, a girl was getting her hair braided by a guy she had a crush on. She described her feelings as “butterflies.” It sounded silly to Ivan, but he wondered. Was that what Mizi felt when Sua touched her hair? Would Till get that same fluttery feeling if it was Ivan doing it to him instead? 

It was now later in the day. The sky was a bright orange and curfew creeping around the corner Ivan had gotten bored of making faces at the sky so he sought out Till as he always did. And he wasn’t hard to find. Ivan, as expected found Till already lying by the tree asleep. Till had a weird knack for sleeping everywhere but his bed and Ivan had half a mind to throw something at him to wake him up but decided against it when his eyes caught on the sight of Till’s usual untamed, wild grey hair, and then his mind wandered back. Till’s hair wasn’t quite long anymore so it would be difficult to make a solid braid but it didn’t stop Ivan from slowly settling down beside the boy and grabbing at a few strands.

Till’s hair was rougher than it should be. 

Well, to be expected Ivan guessed. If he couldn’t help to go a day without causing his uniform to rip and stain then why would he bother keeping up with his hair? Thats okay. 

And so for the next few minutes, Ivan meticulously ran his hand through till hair, meticulously taking out and tearing at every knot until he was unable to catch on anything else. 

It looked softer now and Ivan couldn’t help but feel proud of himself for his work. It was only when Till started to shift did he realized he was waking up and removed his hands. Looking innocent when till woke up, at the weird dull throbbing in his scalp he cast Ivan a suspicious glance. 

————

Ivan had expected Mizi to be the first one to go. But in a less than surprising turn of events Sua had been the one to fall to the floor, surrounded in a pool of her blood. Ivan watched as Mizi’s stiff body had to be dragged away from Sua after not responding to her name for the third time. Ivan felt a little sympathy for her. He remembered her being so excited only a few hours ago, hugging Sua tightly after assuring her that they would show the aliens ‘the best duo they’ve ever seen’ and that they could make it out together. All they needed to do was be themselves. That mizi loved her and she believed in them. All that positivity amounted to nothing at the end of the day. It’s such cruelty that she had to have her bubble popped in such a horrific way. Wouldn’t it have been better for Sua to spare that innocence such a rude awakening?

It put a knot in Ivan’s stomach.

Through the side of his eye, he looked to Till who was a few pods down staring down at the scene with widened eyes, Similarly, the reality was dawning on Till too. Just where the hell they were right now. What they were fighting for. 

Minutes after Mizi was taken off the stage cleaning crew came in. For the few minutes to an hour cleaning crew would spend ridding the pristine white stage of crimson red the participants were allowed back into the building for a breather. He, Mizi, and Till were all gathered into a room, two heavy doors weighed down by heavier iron kept them inside, a precaution for those who may decide to try their luck at escaping. 

The silence was profound as everyone stood in separate areas of the room, taking in what they had just seen. And for once, Till wasn’t even looking Mizi’s way as he was seemingly lost in his head thinking.

Mizi, on the other hand. She was well, not okay. At all. It didn’t take a genius to know why. She had a distant look in her shocked eyes as she touched the long-since-dried blood splatter on her cheek with a gloved hand. 

After a minute, an alien came in and pulled Mizi out taking her somewhere else and leaving only him and a still stunned Till. Huh. He and Sua weren’t even close, so why was he acting like this? Perhaps now would be a good time to say something. The cleaning crew wasn’t going to take forever, and Till still had his round to win. So Ivan did that. 

“Till.” No response came when he approached the boy’s side. 

“Till.”

“Till?-“ 

“Ivan.” 

The sound of his name from Till’s mouth sent a shiver down his spine, he hadn’t heard that in a while. But he didn’t stay that way for too long as he settled down on the floor next to Till.

Don’t let it get to your head. 

“Sua’s dead.. They killed her…” Till breathed out, pulling his knees close to his chest. 

“I…I mean…shit, I don’t know. That is what this is about but, she and Mizi were doing so well…the plan looked like it was working..” 

“It was always just meant to be a shallow hope.” was what Ivan wanted to say. But that wouldn’t be helpful. And Till was still talking, to himself at this point. He wasn’t addressing Ivan but also simultaneously using him as a brain dump.

Till then seemed to have realized he was rambling and shut his mouth after a while. Awkwardly averting his eyes from Ivan’s direction. Well, to be expected but at least Till hadn’t moved away yet. Looking at him, it was clear he was still on edge. when Ivan thought up some small words of comfort they didn’t come to light on his tongue, it didn’t feel right. It probably wouldn’t be of any use anyway considering it would only work if it was genuine. So instead, without much thought he extended a hand and brushed it over Till’s shoulder in a brief show of hesitancy before giving in and grabbing Till’s shoulder in a firm grip. Ivan hoped Till knew what he was trying to say with that when they locked eyes for a second and Till wordlessly eased into the touch. 

—————

Ivan felt like he was burning

Despite the bone-chilling drops of artificial rain pouring down on him, suffocating him the same way he was suffocating Till now. Just barely. Because no matter how much he willed himself. His grip never got tighter. He didn’t know why. But it didn’t matter, he just needed to make it look convincing. 

And it seems it was working. 

Thump. 

Till was like a dead weight in his hands. Ivan wanted him to move, to keep trying to pry him off, anything. He was trying to find Till. Instead, he was looking straight at a hollow body that was supposed to hold a person but was more like what he always was, a beaten-down boy with nothing left to lose and nothing left to live for. It was like he was already dead in Ivan’s hands. Ivan didn’t know how to feel. 

‘Do you want to leave me that badly? Of course, you do. It’s not me you care about leaving, after all.’ 

Thump. 

Ivan wished he had the heart to give Till what he wanted, but he was selfish. Unworthy of Till’s grace, his attention, even in his last moments. Ivan was nothing compared to Mizi anyway. He would never have the place he desperately tried to claim in Till’s heart for years. He was okay with that. 

‘….’

Was this how Sua felt? When Mizi was singing her heart out thinking that together, they were stronger than the chains holding them down. Whilst she was always too aware of the weight that would inevitably crush them and their spirits? 

Ivan would’ve laughed if not for the stinging in his side preventing him from even retaining the hold he had on Till. To think he was once disgusted at Sua for doing what she did. Painfully etching her memory in Mizi’s mind the way she did. And then turning around and doing the same for the man who wouldn’t even glance his way, even now. Ivan wondered what Till would think if he did.

He was a hypocrite. 

He could accept that. 

But at least, Ivan was better than Sua. Ivan would only be a fleeting memory to Till. And what was Ivan if not a hopeless follower if he was content with that? It was more than he deserved for the person he was.

Thump. 

For these shallow emotions that never mattered, Ivan would die and Till would survive to the end of this, maybe even find Mizi again. Maybe escape Alien stage. Hopefully, live a life worth living like he dreamed of when they were kids.

Ivan’s vision started to blur as an indescribable weight burdened his eyelids. A stinging in his throat and the feel of burning liquid running down his chin sealed his fate as his shaking hands separated from Till’s neck, instantly the other eyes shot open, and then—

…

‘Oh. You’re looking at me.’