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helen-cs · 2 years ago

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A Response to July 30, 2017

Thursday, March 30, 2023

I’m writing this, 5 years later, as I try my hardest to finish this Geography of Hazards essay at Lait Night, in the Dead of Night, that was due yesterday (of course, some things never change). I knew around 5pm or so that I couldn’t fulfill my wish of finishing it on time, so instead, I fucked around online and got obsessed with e-paper screens with a fast refresh rate, so I could build my own computer with no wifi and just a word processor like the Pomera DM250, so maybe this can be the year I can reign in my dysfunctional, unorganized mind. Only this year I do very wholeheartedly feel like this can happen, with or without the Pomera. I’m extremely confident in my hopes and dreams this year, believe it or not.

Like all fine procrastination sessions go, I end up back on my old Tumblr. And I end up reading the post above, and I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know what to tell her, I don’t know how to describe how awful, wonderful, scary, gut-wrenching, and euphoric the past 5 years have been.

First of all, did you know that you have to pay to not see ads on Tumblr now? I have Big Girl money now so $40/year isn’t that bad, but jesus christ. It’s a constitutional freedom to be able to see pictures of sonic’s feet without interruptions. The memes became better on Instagram, then Twitter for a bit, but now I’m back here to see what this old piece of shit has to offer. I’m lying, I’ve always felt a soft nostalgia for Tumblr.

Anyways, back to debriefing you about everything. I’m pretty sleepy, and won’t have time to tell you about everything, but last year, your boyfriend’s cancer got pretty bad. There’s a distinct line drawn in February 2022 that signals a clear Before and After, and its more distinct and inerasable than all the other lines that you’ve ever drawn. I remember the old passive suicidal thoughts we used to have. Sort of related, but Fiona Apple once said, re: speculations about if any of her songs were about her childhood rape, that “It doesn't get into the writing. It's a boring pain. It's such a fuckin' old pain that, you know, there's nothing poetic about it." That’s kind of how I feel about them now. The anxiety and misery and pain of that time, Helen, was real. It was more real than anything, I remember. And I wish I could take it away from you. But I’m also here to tell you that it’s such an old, old pain now. I’ve wringed all the poetry and romanticism out of it that I can, and I can really say that with time, either it transforms into something lighter to carry, gets absorbed into your personality, or time slowly erodes it away like it��s paleolithic rocks in the sea.

Either way, I can say that .. I don’t really think about it all that much these days. Maybe it’s really because it’s wormed its way so deep into my brain that it’s just one of the flesh parts now. Who knows? Regardless, after reading about the pain from all those years ago and comparing it with how differently I think about it now, I think it’s a bit bittersweet. I know I desperately wanted it to end. But I think, it’s always been a bit surreal to imagine that pain not feeling as real anymore, to be a “thing of the past”. And now that it is/might be, I feel more distant from myself.

We wish desperately for a rebirth but don’t realize it means leaving the comfort of who we always were. And even if it does end up being better, which it is ... it feels like letting an old friend go.

Speaking of going, I think I’m extremely sleepy now. I hope you’re sleeping well too, thouugh I know this was the summer before 1st year uni and you definitely weren’t sleeping right haha. By the way, you end up dating K. And he ends up becoming your first real heartbreak. Broke up with you a month into university, probably for J. But J’s a really nice girl and you both don’t deserve what you guys went through. You still wish you never dated him, but that’s the way it goes - lessons learned, life to live. And don’t worry, you handled it like a champ. And I’m not saying this because I pity you. Everything’s going to be ok. And you can trust me when I say that.

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wonkasmissstarshine · 4 years ago

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The Chocolate Prince and The Lovely Maiden {Willy Wonka x Rose Bucket AU}

Chapter 5

A Girl and her (Secret) Fairy Godmothers

Tagging: @holdmeicant @frozenhuntress67 @pastelmoonwitche @arinnasweetslove

Rose finally reached the sisters’ cottage. It was small, but it was very lovely home. There were a bunch of colorful flowers and oddly beautiful fungi that grew in the garden. It made Rose think of a fairy garden. Rose had heard stories about fairies. There was debate as to whether they existed or not. Some people say that they were small; some say that they’re the size of humans.

And then there were those that said that fairies born with an evil heart aren’t fairies at all. They were called witches. Rose had never seen a witch either, but she was sure they were real. Hell, she was positive that Avonmora was secretly a witch.

Rose and Honkers approached the front door. The clanging of various pots and pans could be heard coming from inside. “What in the world is going on in there?” Rose wondered out loud.

“It sounds like some kind of party in there” Honkers somehow thought. “How come we weren’t invited?”

Rose giggled at her goose friend. “I don’t think they’re having a party, Honkers. I’m thinking it may be chore day” She knocked on the door. Everything fell eerily silent and then a voice spoke.

“Who is it?” It was Fiona’s voice, the eldest of the three sisters.

“It’s Rose”

Suddenly, there was a loud crashing noise. And someone also made a shrieking noise. It sounded like Briona, the youngest sister. After a moment the door was opened by Liona, the middle sister. A smile graced upon her beautiful face. “Hello dear”

“Liona, is everything alright?”

“Yes. Everything is fine” Liona said.

Rose peeked over her shoulder. There were a whole bunch of dishes, utensils, and pots and pans scattered all over the floor. “Really? Because it seems like you made quite the mess in here”

Briona popped up beside Liona. “It’s dish day for us! Our messiest cleaning day”

“Girls, step aside and let our Rose inside” Fiona said. The two sisters stepped aside, and Rose and Honkers entered the small home. “Hungry? We’ve made a few sandwiches”

“Please!” Rose took a seat at the table. “I’ve been cleaning all morning. I haven’t the time to make myself even a small meal”

Honkers hopped onto one of the other empty chairs. “Just bread crumbs for me. I’m looking a little puffy these days and it isn’t from my feathers”

Briona giggled at the goose. “You’re not puffy. You’re pleasantly fluffy” She placed a plate of bread crumbs in front of Honkers. “You’re adorable” Briona gushed over the goose. Honkers’ feathers puffed out. That was his version of blushing.

Fiona placed the sandwich in front of Rose. “What brings you by today?”

“A couple of things, actually” Rose began, pausing to take a bite out of her sandwich. “One, I was hoping to pick more cherries from your tree today”

Liona smiled. “You’re always welcome to, Rose! Remember, the cherries are fresh everyday”

“I’ve always wondered. What does make your cherries to fresh everyday?”

Fiona and Liona shared a look with each other. Then they looked Briona, ignoring the way her two sisters were staring, answered. “You could say it’s just a bit of gardening magic”

“Briona!” Fiona and Liona hissed.

“What!?” Briona asked, confused as to why her sisters said her name so condescendingly.

Fiona rolled her eyes and then smiled at Rose. “What is the other reason for you seeing us today?”

“I wanted to ask you all about something. Or rather, someone” Rose explained.

“This isn’t about Avonmora, is it?” Briona asked suddenly. Fiona and Liona gave her warning glares. “What?”

Rose became confused. “Is there something about her I should know?”

“No” Liona quickly answered. “We just don’t like to talk about her in this house. From what we hear from you, she’s a cruel woman”

Rose huffed. “You don’t know the half of it. Anyways, no this isn’t about her. This about a man I met this morning”

“You met a man?” Fiona grinned. “Is he handsome? Was it love at first sight?”

Rose snorted. “Love? No way! That man has an ego so big, the only person he could ever truly love is himself”

Briona’s face scrunched in confusion. “Well, that doesn’t sound anything like Pri-” The pink haired sister shrieked when Liona smacked her in the back of the head. “Li! Why!?”

“You talk too much sometimes, Bri” Liona sneered at her younger sister.

“Oh” Briona muttered, now realizing what she was doing.

Fiona sighed, and then pressed Rose for more information about this mysterious man. “Tell us all about him”

“Well, like I said, I only met him this morning” Rose disclaimed. The sisters all leaned in with interest as to what Rose had to say. “His name is Harry. But, just from our brief meeting, I already feel like I know everything I need to about him. He cornered me in the garden, backing me up against the wall. He said that he had been admiring me for quite some time. He gave me a gardenia, I told him that they weren’t my favorite, and now he’s going to bring me a different flower everyday until he brings me my favorite”

“And what happens when he does bring you your favorite flower?” Fiona asked.

“He said that I owe him a romantic stroll”

The three sisters exchanged looks. This poor girl. As if having to deal with her step-mother wasn’t bad enough, now she’s gained the unwanted attention of a man who doesn’t seem to understand the word no. “Sweetheart,” Liona spoke up. “You know you don’t owe that man anything, right?”

“I know” Rose sighed. “I just fear the continuous pestering I am to receive from him”

“Well, hopefully he learns to back off” Briona spoke up. “Because, he isn’t the one you’re destined to be with anyways”

Rose furrowed her eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

Fiona gave a stone cold glare in Briona’s direction. “Yes, what do you mean, Briona?”

Briona, realizing she had said too much again, nervously giggled. “Oops. There I go again. Uttering complete nonsense”

Rose shook her head, ignoring what Briona just did. Having finished her sandwich, Rose stood up, grabbing her basket. “I’m off to the cherry tree” She announced. “Thank you for the sandwich. Come on, Honkers”

Honk! “But I want to hear more of Briona’s nonsense” Honkers said as he hopped off the chair.

“You just want to stay because you think she’s pretty”

“What? No!” Honkers quickly denied as he followed Rose out the door.

As soon as Rose was out the door, Fiona whipped out her wand. With a flick of her wrist, the mess on the floor was quickly cleaned up. “Briona, you need to be more careful about what you say in front of Rose” Fiona chastised.

“Otherwise we’ll have to put a zipping spell on your mouth” Liona added.

“I’m sorry, sissys” Briona apologized. “I don’t mean to”

“We know” Fiona said. “We’ve managed to keep the secret from Rose for this long. We just need to hold out a little longer”

“And how much is a little longer going to be?” Briona complained like she was a young child.

This time, Liona pulled out her wand. She pointed it at the table. Glittery magic came out of the end of it, and conjured up a large piece of parchment. “According to my prophecy, Rose and the Prince should be meeting very soon”

Liona was what was known as a psychic fairy. She had the ability to see the future and all it’s possible outcomes. Fiona was an alchemy fairy. She was very skilled in making all kinds of potions and tonics. Then, Briona was a garden fairy. Her magic specialty was with wildlife and plants. In fact, she had been the one to enchant the cherry tree that Rose was so fond of. Briona could also interact with animals and give them the ability to speak.

“Does this prophecy of yours include this Harry idiot?”

Liona skimmed through the parchment. “Hmm. I see his name here. But not much is said about him” Sometimes, Liona wasn’t able to tell the whole future. Some things only became clear the closer the event would come.

“And Avonmora,” Fiona piped in. “Anything about her?”

Liona took another look. “Fortunately, no, but I suppose that could also be a bad thing. Dark magic is unpredictable. I wouldn’t be surprised if she interfered with the parchment somehow”

Yes, Avonmora was a witch and the three fairies were very aware of that fact. The reason the fairies chose to live in the forest was to keep tabs on Avonmora. But, they knew that they couldn’t keep their own eyes on her at all times. So, enter Honkers the goose.

“Not only do we have our evil sister to worry about,” Briona started. Ah yes, Avonmora was related to the three fairies. Avonmora was the bad apple of the family, cursed with an evil heart. “But now Harry? What if he tries a love potion on Rose or something?”

“That is not going to happen” Fiona assured. “And we’ll make sure of that”

Liona nodded. “It is destined for Rose and the Prince to meet. It is destined for them to fall in love. That is what fate lies in store. And no matter what happens, no matter what Avonmora or Harry do, they cannot change fate”

Liona took another look at the future telling parchment. “And, it is also fate that the Prince will finally slay that witch once and for all, with the help of a mighty huntress, and a young boy. Then, everything that once was, will be restored”

#willy wonka x oc #willy wonka #rose bucket #my oc #rose and willy #tcpatlm

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awrldalone · 4 years ago

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11th January 2021, 10.11pm

My Art History teacher did not come to online class this morning. There’s rumors she is leaving the school, but I do not mind. She’s not that good. It would have been nice if they had told us, at least I could have slept another hour.

Yesterday I finished reading Normal People by Sally Rooney, and I liked it way too much. Connell’s existential dread in the first chapters was really relatable, and Marianne’s carelessness was peaceful. I wish I could have something like what they had, even for just a few months.

I liked the ending. I like open endings when it comes to contemporaries. Ia lso liked how nothing was actually fixed by the end of the book - Marianne’s eating disorder, Connell’s suicidal thoughts, their trauma, their relationship. It felt pure. Not in the sense of candid, uncorrupted, innocent, child-like. I mean that it felt clean, real, sharp, genuine.

My History and Philosophy teacher arrived twenty minutes late. She was angry, and no one had ever seen her like that. Thank god for being able to turn off the webcam, because I started laughing. She kept talking without breathing, she kept spitting angry words because the school is not prepared enough. She’s a young woman, she’s really likeable, and something tells me she likes what she does, but she also lives far away. She said she had to take the train - which, you know, is not ideal. Means of transport are the reason we cannot do school in person, as it’s were people spread the virus - and she was angry because at school there was no working computer free.

She had to use her phone. We did two hours of Philosophy, and she explained René Descartes. I do not care for him, but something my teacher said struck me. She said that he was able to keep studying for his whole live. He could “vivere di rendita”, he did not have to have a job. I wish I could do the same.

Today Lana Del Rey finally released Chemtrails Over The Country Club, the single. It is so good. I love what Jack Antonoff did with the production. It feels like they blended four versions of the track together, and it works surprisingly. The music video is also amazing, although I did cringe when I saw the mesh mask she has been criticised a lot for.

I wish she could just stop. I wish she did it like Fiona Apple, she could delete all her social media accounts and just put out music. I am sure she does not have bad intentions, but often times she misspeaks. She seems unable to express her point properly. Literally always.

I used to think that it was a fan’s (or stan’s) duty to defend their idol. At this point I do not care. I do not think I have idols in the first place, if we take the definition of the word. I am not someone who blindly follows anyone, and I do not follow only one person, and I do not completely amalgamate my existence to someone else’s. Not anymore, at least. I have learnt how to take the best traits of the people I used to look up to - and I have learnt how to try to emulate only the good they do.

-c.

#diary

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asbcblog · 4 years ago

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TOP SONGS OF 2020 WRITE UP!

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6WDeuRMOV8neAhU2zd193d?si=lZ9gDIp0TsCCEOeCS7_QGw

1. I remember everything - John Prine

I was going to write an incredibly earnest and long review of this song that outlined just how much John Prine meant to me. I can’t really do it and I think this song probably says enough alone. With only a few chords he always manages to express all the little things that make love what it is, all different kinds of love. Long lasting, short moments, love with places, sounds, going places and staying home, endless family ties, and the often fragile but in the end tenable love between all human beings in the face of catastrophe. The pandemic stole a lot of things from a lot of people this year, including John Prine, but he will remain one of the greatest songwriters of all time and his songs will live on forever.

2. Dream Palette - Yves Tumor

I can’t drive but let’s pretend I’m driving, I’m in LA and it’s night time or something, my elbow’s out the window, don’t know why I’m wearing sunglasses, this song comes on the radio, I’m the coolest person alive.

3. Boylife in EU- Yung Lean

Not to repeat my review of Garden but when the chorus comes I feel like I’m on top of a really big hill and its pouring it down with rain and im screaming but this time its because of a no-deal Brexit.

4. Garden- Joseph Futak

My review was already used as part of Joe’s promo campaign and it said: “feel like im on top of a really big hill and its pouring it down with rain and I’m screaming when the drums come in x x”

5. Circle the Drain- Soccer Mommy

I like this song because I too, am often alone in my room, and I have also become obsessed with subtle breakbeats to an extent where people around me have become very bored of the subject.

6. The Brothers William Said- The Innocence Mission

I listened to this song over and over when I was travelling round London in January just after my birthday, it felt like I’d been listening to it for years, like it was in a movie I’d forgotten. It felt at the time like I was saying a lot of goodbyes, recognising that things weren’t really like they used to be.

7. On the Floor- Perfume Genius

Say it with me ladies: I CROSS OUT HIS NAME ON THE PAGE!!!!

8. Shameika- Fiona Apple

She may not believe it but I bet Fiona Apple looked tough with a riding crop.

9. Song for Our Daughter- Laura Marling

Everything about this is fantastic, mellow and bright at the same time. Every part is brought forward individually and no part of this song gets left behind. A stunning vocal from Laura Marling and purposeful lyrics set to a cinematically emotive instrumental. Pure magic as always.

10. Building site outside- Piglet

Not going to lie, I was in a very vulnerable emotional state when I listened to this song for the first time, but I think that makes it no less powerful and just, sad. The lyric ‘she smiled at me so much last time’ is just so simple and devastating that you forget this would’ve been on every indie film soundtrack from 2000-2008 if Piglet was an industry plant.

11. I wonder- Shamir

One word: EPIC

12. Crimson Tide- Destroyer

Listened to this every time I came on my period this year.

13. In the Dining Room - Joe Pera talks with you

Adam showed me Joe Pera when I really felt incredibly sad at the very beginning of this year. It’s a show that’s made me feel good, no matter the circumstances. This moment in the show made me smile, and I love hearing Gene come in a bit too early.

14. Stupid Love- Lady Gaga

Shakin my little booty in the kitchen to this x

15. Might bang, might not- Little Simz

Livid we didn’t all get to go to End of the Road and see all the hot dad’s loving Little Simz.

16. Fire- Waxahatchee

A truly insane vocal. I listened to this song on my way to work almost every day from September to December and fantasised singing back up at some kind of outdoor gig in the summer and it made everything significantly less bleak.

17. Hannah Sun- Lomelda

This song is too nice and genuine for me to say anything other than, “really lovely song :)”.

18. Scroll of Sorrow- Machine Girl, guayaba

Listened to this a lot this year while sitting on my kitchen floor staring into an empty oven, wondering if I was ever going to go to a party again.

19. Build a nest- Jeff and Ruby Parker

Have put this on in the flat because the guitar solo reminds me of everything my dad listens to at home. A really great piece of music that kicks off a really exciting album.

20. Kiss me thru the phone- That Kid

Ned said yesterday that he thought it was funny how much the original of this song is so foundational to hyper pop and I agree. Also I’ve started saying ‘Bitch’ like That Kid does every time I stub my toe.

21. Cuckoo- Sam Amidon

I am punting down a creek, looking in the branches that hang over the water for the bird that shall lead me to my next clue.

22. Places/ Plans- Skullcrusher

Used this song to comfort myself in moments where I also just don’t understand why I’m not famous.

23. Sweetjoy- Jam City

Finally….. HAIM for dudes.

24. Clean Living- Slow Weather

I saw someone listening to this on the side of my Spotify so I decided to give it a go and it was a fantastic decision. It’s mental that half of this song is an outro.

25. Summer All Over- Blake Mills

Along with the music video visuals and the dampened piano tone, this wins the competition for least summer-y song with the actual word summer in the title.

26. Ready Cheeky Pretty- CHAI

All of my joy this year has been brought to me by CHAI. I have nothing negative to say about CHAI. If you have anything negative to say about CHAI you’re gonna have to go through me.

27. Diaphanous- Land of Talk

This band was recommended to me by a guy I was trying to flirt with at rough trade east but everything closed before I could impress him by saying ‘I think they’re really cool’.

28. Anything - Adrianne Lenker

Anyone who has ever attempted to write a song with me knows how much I simply love rhyming. Seriously though, every thing rhymes, brilliant stuff. (It’s also such a brilliantly full and constant song that still manages to move and remain exciting from start to finish. I imagine this is partially due to Adrianne Lenker’s almost nursery rhyme- esque structure and also due to her beautifully colloquial approach to family dynamics.)

29. Blow- Dj Gigola, Kev Koko

This song makes me wish I was Jason Bourne- just wanna jump really far while something explodes behind me.

30. Money Can’t Buy- Yaeji, Nappy Nina

‘Well I’ll buy some Yaeji tickets, they’re for NOVEMBER, there’s NO WAY they’re gonna get cancelled’.

31. Only the Truth- Johanna Warren

When I first listened to this song I felt like I was floating in the ocean looking up at the stars as the drums came in on ‘what more can I do’. An incredibly beautiful and careful song.

32. Gasoline- Haim

2020 could probably be summarised with the phrase ‘WHY AM I NO LONGER IN CALIFORNIA? WHY DID I LEAVE CALIFORNIA?’ And this song is the 3 minutes 13 seconds seconds of escapism I needed to not topple into a full spiral.

33. Mapuu - Ic3peak

No one can convince me that Ic3peak are real people. They are a collective made up of child ghosts.

34. Don’t Worry- Bladee

Whenever I have an anxiety attack in the night I wake up and see Bladee’s ghost of the future over my bed, he says ‘Don’t worry’ and mumbles for a bit as I fall back into a peaceful sleep.

35. The biggest tits in history- The magnetic fields

The most relatable magnetic fields song imo.

36. Sand Castle- nijuu

Yujin is a genius and my answer is yes, I do want to just walk for a while.

37. Curl Up- Darren Hayman

Ned reminded me how much I used to love Darren Hayman, and both of them have been a pretty big part of my year.

38. When Will Death Come- Sarah Mary Chadwick

‘Wow, mental voice’ - Ned, while doing the washing up.

39. Dear Dad - Sylvie Wiley

‘But I didn’t cry, you’d be proud’ Sylvie, I’m weeping forever.

40. 34+35- Ariana Grande

Hehehehehehehehehe

41. Garden Song- Phoebe Bridgers

Phoebe Bridgers is a pretty unparalleled lyricist and this song feels like a disconnected series of thoughts that somehow all make sense together and come to create something that doesn’t build, but all just kind of sits? What I’m trying to say is that I don’t really know what she’s talking about but like, I get it.

42. Ringtone (remix) - 100 gecs, Charli xcx, Kero Kero Bonito, Rico Nasty,

I love the way it sounds like everyone got just one take and had to improvise all the lyrics but it still bangs.

43. Changer- Andy Shauf

Thank you lord for another album about a smaller than average man overthinking all of his social interactions with lots of lovely clarinet parts.

44. What’s your pleasure - Jessie Ware

My pleasure jessie? Probably just sitting by the fire with a tough crossword and a glass of merlot x

45. Slime- Shygirl

Shygirl’s series of singles this year made me even more livid that I had to take out my eyebrow piercing for my new job this year.

46. Sears Tower- Salem

Perfect halloween release.

47. Title track- happyness

Ned turned to me and said: ‘so is their new thing that they sound like Elliot Smith’ and I said: ‘and that’s a bad thing?’

48. Cross-sound ferry (walk on ticket) - Hamilton Leithauser

Have found unbelievable joy in chopping veg and shouting GREEEEEEEN PORT, NEEEEEEWWWW YOOORK alone in my kitchen.

49. Lowswimmer- Hailaker

I’ve loved hearing Jemima’s voice when I haven’t got to see her much this year. I normally take the piss out of the Hambledon line but I haven’t seen that this year really either. I guess we find sentimentality in strange places.

50. XS - Rina Sawayama

This song made me feel very decadent on those days where I didn’t wash.

51. Emily- Clem Snide

Let’s be more kind and brave in the face of it all.

52. Building a fire- Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy

P.O.V you’re doing bushcraft in the garden with your husband Bonnie Prince Billy and he’s here to protect you.

53. Asexual Wellbeing- Okay Kaya

This song absolutely bangs but I am truly bewildered by the way they singled out the line ‘if they could put a pulse into a spinach leaf, can they turn the two of us into a tree?’ in the production as if that was a true piece of genius. As I say great tune tho.

54. Anthems- Charli xcx

The soundtrack to couch to 5k

55. Never Better- Kitty Fitz

A SE London queen bringing us huge pop tunes in 2020. So so excited to see what 2021 brings us from Kitty, she’s gonna be a real force!

56. Deep in Love- Bonny Light Horsemen

This is such a delightful song which (mainly due to the time I actually got around to listening to the whole record) for me really rang in the spring. A beautifully recorded testament to the feeling of love getting stronger meaning you have a lot more to lose.

57. Malibu- Kim Petras

My song of the summer, made me feel like I was at the beach when really I was in Lewisham.

58. Like I’m Winning it- Girlpool

I’m so delighted that the turn girlpool have made this year is towards dramatic goth music with breakbeats. Their voices both sound amazing and they look simply incredible.

59. Azad- Frazey Ford

I have no idea what she’s saying as always but I love it.

60. Helio- Charlotte Dos Santos

I’m literally so excited for what Charlotte Dos Santos is gonna put out next. The production is fantastic and her aesthetics are flawless.

61. Lost in the Country- Trace Mountains

‘I checked my email twice as I cried’. Safe to say we’ve all been there this year amirite girlies x

62. Unfold You- Rostam

I hated this at first, I thought, what’s this lo-fi beats to study to shit, but it’s now my classic ‘I’m just gonna pop to the shops, anyone want anything? x’ song. Huge.

63. Oh Yeah- A.G cook

One of 2020s realisations is that me and A.G Cook kind of look like we could be cousins.

64. Can’t cool me down- Car Seat Headrest

I would like to personally thank will Toledo for giving me a tune that got me off my ass when I was too warm to do exercise this summer.

65. Take back the radio- Katy J Paerson

In love with Katy J Pearson’s voice and the way this song builds. Just pretty flawless and feel good in my opinion. I think she’s such an exciting new artist who’s gonna be around for a very very long time.

66. Good Woman- The Staves

‘I’m a good woman’… speak for yourselves.

67. A Little Love- Jack Francis

Feel like I’ve been singing this song for about 5 years! It’s amazing and I’m so excited about what Jack’s going to bring out in 2021, he’s a genius and also the nicest man on the planet.

68. Lullaby No.4 - Snailbeach

This song makes me feel like I’m being hypnotised on a haunted carousel in a very relaxing way.

69. Boyfriend in every city- Roma Radz

Sucks that she can’t see any of her boyfriends cos of covid :(

70. Jaja ding dong- Will Ferrell

Get back in there and play Jaja Ding Dong !!!!

71. Highway- Jonatan leandoer96

Man, would be pretty sick to have 20 boys outside the club but alas the clubs are dead and I’ve only regularly texted about 4 people this year.

72. De nadie- Kali Uchis

Felt v sexy listening to this for the first time in a Morley’s in Honor Oak.

73. Weird Fishes- Lianne La Havas

This album was a pretty triumphant return for Lianna La Havas and me teenage self simply couldn’t be happier.

74. Micro Creature- Aya Gloomy

Love that despite everything about this song telling me otherwise, that the artwork for this single looks like Aya Gloomy is just chilling in the fields by my family home in Hampshire.

75. Si Ella Sale- Bad Bunny

Better get on the duolingo now if I’m gonna know what this guy’s saying at Porto next year.

76. Through my sails- Mountain Man

Truly gentle reimagining of an already incredibly beautiful song, mountain man make every word seem new!

77.Christmas Day (get me outta this funk) - Baggio and Blue 5 Years- Bath days

In joint 77th place are two banging Christmas songs that have soundtracked a pretty bleak Christmas period and have made me feel pretty joyous in their ways, despite one literally being called Blue Five Years.

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girlrags-blog · 7 years ago

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BASIC INFORMATION.

What is your character’s full name? Sally Makayla Elfman How is it pronounced? Sal-ee M-kay-la Elfman Is there a meaning behind it? Sally comes from Sarah, therefore, it means “ Princess ” as well. Makayla means “ Who is like God ”. Does your character have any nicknames? Sal, Ragdoll ( by Barrel ) When and where were they born? July 14th, 1994, somewhere. What’s their zodiac sign and what traits do they most relate to? Cancer; deeply intuitive, sentimental, emotional, loyal. What’s their nationality? US citizen. What’s their occupation? Test subject & seamstress. What gender do they identify themselves as? Cis female.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.

What’s their eye color? Chocolate brown Do they wear glasses or contacts? No. Hair color? Red. Have they ever dyed their hair or wanted to? No. Height? 5’3” Body build? Petit. You’d probably think she could break just by falling from a relatively small height. Do they have any birthmarks? No. Do they have any piercings or tattoos? She has her ears pierced, but that’s all. If not, do they want to get some? I don’t think so. Not at the moment at least. Do they have a healthy life style? Physically speaking, yes. Mentally, not so much. How easy do they get sick? Due to natural causes, rarely. However, because she’s the test subject to anything and everything Finklestein makes, she will sometimes fall ill, if not due to the invention itself, then because of stress or something along those lines. Any marks on their body ( injuries, … )? She has a thin but long scar across the back of her neck. It’s very faint, basically unnoticeable, and she assumes it’s probably from something that happened when she was too little to remember it now. She also has a scar, this one a tiny bit more visible, due to a cut around her ankle that happened the same time she twisted it and Finklestein put it back in place. What’s their personal style/how do they like to dress? She likes to make her own clothes, usually dresses with whatever fabric she’s allowed to keep from work. Besides that, she likes cozy clothes, leggings / tights … Her style is a more feminine version of grunge, I would say. What is their favorite and least favorite feature about themselves? She loves her hair very much, and her eyelashes, but hates the whole rest, especially how easily her skin bruises / scars.

PERSONALITY.

Positive traits? Patient, kind, selfless, charitable, friendly. Negative traits? Hyper sensitivity ( which isn’t necessarily bad but ), stubborn, a bit reckless at times. What do they consider to be the best and the worst part of their personality? She thinks her friendly, giving nature is the best part, and her overwhelming emotions are the worst. Are they more extroverted or introverted? Introverted. Any talents? Sewing, but she can also she can sing a little and draw a little. What are their fears? Loneliness I think, but she also has such a hard time being surrounded by people. Failing others is also a fear of hers. Do they have any phobias? Agoraphobia / fear of social embarrassment. What is their soft spot? Her close friends ( especially Jack of course ) and also children. She likes kids a lot. List 3 pet-peeves they can’t stand? The feeling of chalk, the sound of kitchen utensils banging against plates, feeling trapped.

EDUCATION.

How far did they go in school? Are they still studying? She graduated high school without ever going to one. In the orphanage Sally grew up in, the children had classes just like in a regular institution. Do / Did they like school? Yes, very much so! What type of student are/were they? Very dedicated, probably a straight A student. What is / was their favorite subject? Creative writing, Biology and Chemistry. And their least favorite? Any physical activities she had to do during study hours. What were they / would they have been voted as “most likely to…” in the yearbook ? Most likely to win a lottery ticket and lose it.

FAMILY.

Who are your character’s parents? Unknown. ( Derek O’Hara and Cathy Elfman ) How would your character describe them? She’s never met them, but has always imagined her mother to be more similar to her than her father. She pictures her mother as being close to her height, maybe with red curly hair and a big, warm and bright smile. As for her father, she likes to think she has his eyes, though he would wear glasses, and that he is extremely tall and gives great hugs. Do they have any siblings? No. Are they close with their family? Sally grew up in an orphanage, leaving it at age eighteen. She hardly knows a thing about them, but likes to think that her personality traits come from either of the two, if not both. Whenever she reads a romance or a tragedy, she wonders which of her parents would like said book, or if they would read it in the first place. She’s thought about asking the sisters from the orphanage about her family, but is afraid of finding out something she would regret knowing.

ROMANCE & SEXUALITY.

What’s their romantic and sexual orientation? At the moment, she sees herself as heteromantic and heterosexual, though I can see her being bicurious. Are they seeing anyone right now? No. Have they ever been in an relationship? No. Have they ever been in love? She is in love right now. How easy do they fall for someone? Not very easily. In their view, why didn’t any past relationships work out? She’s never been in a relationship before. What do they look for in someone? Someone she can relate to and count on. She doesn’t ask for much. Do they believe in love at first sight ? Or fate ? She does not believe at love at first sight, but believes in fate. What’s their views on romance? Do they go after it or avoid it? She loves romance, but thinks romance doesn’t love her. Did they have their first time already? How was it in their point of view? She’s a virgin. What is their view on sex? She wants to do it at one point, but only when she knows she’s with the right person. Sally cherishes intimate things very much, like her first kiss and so on. What are their turn ons and turn offs? Turn ons: kisses, gentle touches, whispers. Turn offs: dirty talk, forceful touches, anything that makes her feel small. Were they ever cheated on or have they cheated on someone? No and no. Do they want to get married in the future? Yes. Have kids? Lots of them!

QUIRKS.

Are they right or left handed? Left handed. What’s a word that’s always on their lips? Sorry. Is there a saying they keep on repeating? “ Getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. “ Do they curse? No. What’s their worst habit? Keeping everything bottled up. Do they drink or smoke? How frequently? No and no. Are they an early bird or a night owl? Night owl, though she wakes up early. Sally has a very awful sleep schedule. How tidy is their room? Very tidy! How long to they usually take getting ready in the morning? Thirty minutes, maybe?

FAVORITES.

What’s their favorite color? Black, orange and/or purple. Favorite movie? Hocus Pocus. Music Genre? Contemporary pop soul folk indie … Lana Del Rey and Fiona Apple like stuff. Food? Anything that someone else cooks for her or isn’t soup. Book? Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Favorite non-alcoholic drink? Sea salt caramel hot chocolate. Ice Cream Flavor? Anything with caramel or chocolate. Unless pumpkin spice ice cream exists, then that’s probably a favorite too. Indoors or outdoors? Indoors, but not at home.

#carthaytask #carthaytask001 #tbt.#( fiNALLY )#( and no we dont know where she was born )

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bcntnotbrokcn · 7 years ago

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It was supposed to be a nice family Thanksgiving. The first Thanksgiving since Mickey and Ian had gotten married, actually. Everyone was there, even Mandy had managed to fly in for a couple days -- and it didn’t seem like Lip minded seeing her in the least bit. Svetlana didn’t want to join, but Kev and V had Yevgeny and were there with their daughters, too. And for once, between everyone’s decent jobs, they were having a real feast -- turkey with all the trimmings, ham, sweet potato pie, mashed potatoes and gravy -- you name it and they had it. And everyone was having a great time, wine (or beer, in cases of some of the guys) in everyone’s hands (that weren’t children, of course -- they had sparkling grape juice), and everyone had helped set the table, talking loudly. The house was filled with noise of excitement and love, everyone shouting over each other, laughter abundant. It was only when everyone finally sat down to eat that things got a little out of hand.

Frank had chosen that time to show up, drunk as ever. And for the most part, people were able to ignore him, digging into their food and enjoying each other’s company. Lip and Mandy had chosen to sit next to each other, getting a little too close in Ian’s opinion, but both smiling in a way he hadn’t seen either smile in a while. And while Yevgeny was the blonde fish out of water, he also seemed to be enjoying himself, letting Mickey and Ian dote on him the entire time -- well, Ian more than anyone, he was obsessed with that kid and had no problems showing it.

It wasn’t until Frank decided to address Ian and Mickey that things took a turn. “So, married, huh? Really should have skipped that part, only ruins things. Turns good relationships bad. Why fuck everything up with a piece of paper?” Ian raised his eyebrows, but ignored the old man, putting more mashed potatoes on Yev’s plate and handing it to the boy. “Let me tell you from experience -- get out while you can. Be together, sure -- there’s nothing wrong with that, I had my fair share of homosexual experiences in my day.” Ian rolled his eyes. “Love and be loved! Great thing. But choosing to be together for the rest of your life, and knowing you’re stuck are two very different things, boys.”

Ian let out a small sigh, shaking his head. “I don’t know, Frank. Being legally married didn’t seem to stop you and Monica. Didn’t seem like you ever thought that you were stuck together.” Fiona glanced over at the two from her conversation with V, but didn’t say a word. “I’ll admit, Monica and I had our speed bumps. But let that be a lesson to you two. You two are a lot like Monica and myself -- wild and free, and you with your bipolar. And isn’t being legally forced to be together just make you feel a little -- constrained? With your genetics, you might want to watch out. Monica hopped the fence all the time, without a care in the world -- you are your mother’s son, and before you know it, you’re going to be falling down the rabbit hole just like her.”

Most of the conversations at the table had stopped by this point, everyone watching the exchange with baited breath, glancing between the two like they were watching some kind of race. Ian pursed his lips, nodding a bit, setting his napkin down on the table, before looking at his father. “You think? I don’t know, Frank. Monica habitually stopped taking her meds. All the time, wasn’t on them for more than a few months at a time. I, on the other hand, have been on my meds consistently for about --” He quickly did the math in his head, shrugging as he briefly looked at Mickey for confirmation. “Four, five years now? Something like that.” He nodded, looking back at Frank. “I’m not -- nor will I ever be -- Monica. Same illness, different people.”

Frank raised his eyebrows. “You think? I don’t know. Like I said -- you two are a lot like Monica and myself. And I thought she was the greatest thing to happen to me. I was so in love with her. And then she’d go off the rails. I’m just saying, son, life isn’t always easy and with your illness, it may affect you more than the average person. I mean, look at your history with this guy. He was a thug back then and -- people don’t ever really change, son. They can be good at pretending they have, but deep down, they’re always the same person. So be careful with this one, he might be what sets you off.”

Ian narrowed his eyes at Frank, hand turning into a fist below the table, shoulders and jaw tensing. Everyone at the table could see the fire in his eyes. “We’ve got pie!” Fiona suddenly announced. “Let’s have some pie! V, go get the pie, yeah? Kids, you should help her.” V nodded quickly, ushering the four children -- Franny included -- into the kitchen.

Ian ignored Fiona, eyes still shooting fire at Frank. He stood up from his spot, and Frank did the same, watching as Ian walked over to him, face inches away from his father’s. “Don’t talk about what you don’t understand, Frank,” he spat, voice as cold as ice. His fist flexed next to him, and he had to physically fight himself from punching his father’s lights out. “You’re right, people don’t change deep down. But the thing is -- Mickey didn’t. Because deep down, he was always the person he is now. Was he a thug? Sure. And I’ll be the first one to say that we were toxic for each other growing up. Him hurting me, me hurting him, beating the shit out of each other -- whatever. But he’s always been fucking amazing, and he’s the reason I’m okay.”

”Do you get that? He’s the reason why I fight every day, why I deal with my illness as well as I do. Because he helps me, and he’s there for me without hesitation, in the blink of an eye he is right by my side. So maybe we were bad for each other in the beginning. But you know the difference is between us and you and Monica? Mickey and I grew up. You two never learned how to do that. So say another thing about Mickey. I dare you. Because if you do -- I will fucking murder you. Do you understand me? I will kill you where you stand if you even think another thought about my husband.”

Frank just seemed amused at Ian’s anger. “You’ve got your mother’s spirit, that’s for sure. Might get you into trouble some time in the future. You are a Gallagher too, after all.” Ian clenched his jaw. “I claim no relation to you.” Frank let out a laugh. “You think Clayton is living an apple pie life? He’s miserable. Always thinking about what he could have had with Monica if I hadn’t been around. Now he’s stuck with that crazy wife of his.” The corner’s of Ian’s lips twitched upwards, though the amusement was anything if not malicious. “Guess you both got fucked over in that department, huh?”

Frank’s eyes finally narrowed, something Ian said finally getting to him. “Then you better watch out, because you’re just as crazy as she was. Even tried to kill yourself before, didn’t you? In and out of institutions. On meds for the rest of your life. Remember, any amount of crazy she was, you’re right along there with her, kid.”

That hit somewhere deep inside Ian, something he was afraid of happening to him -- ending up like Monica, having a family with Mickey and then just going off the rails and abandoning him. He wasn’t like her. He couldn’t be like her. “I was in an institution one time, Frank. I thought about killing myself one time. And you know who stopped me? Him! --” he pointed to Mickey without even looking his direction, still glaring daggers at the old man. “-- He did for me what you could never do for her. He saved me. You just let her drown. He makes sure I’m okay, he makes sure I take my meds. You -- you encouraged her not to! He’s a fucking angel and you’re just -- toxic sludge that deserves to be disposed of.”

Ian swallowed hard, taking a step back from his father. “You know the main difference is between our relationships? People don’t need to like someone to be in love with them, Frank. They really don’t. The difference is, I like Mickey. He’s my best friend. I am so happy each and every day to be with him. I don’t need the drugs, or the fights, or the schemes -- I’m happy being simple and mundane and boring because I get to look at his face every day. But you and her -- maybe she just didn’t like you, Frank. And being off her meds and racing through life was the only way that she could deal with the fact that she loved an alcoholic, toxic, no good piece of shit asshole like you.”

Frank and Ian stared at each other for a long moment after that, neither moving, both seeming like they could breathe fire if they wanted to. Finally, Ian broke the stare down, walking over to his seat and sitting down, still clearly seething. Fiona glanced at him, before looking around the table, seemingly at a loss for words. “Uh -- pie?”

“Fucking ungrateful brat,” Frank muttered, walking towards the kitchen. But as he walked behind Ian’s chair, he paused for just a moment -- long enough to decide his next action. He grabbed the back of Ian’s head and slammed his face down on the table, sneering. There were cries of ‘what the fuck, Frank?!’ and ‘Ian!’ around the table as Ian groaned, lifting his head up and touching his face -- blood. A good amount, too. “Fuck!”

@mkvch

#{ xx v; it's always been you }#{ xx v; it's always been you | 08 }#tw #mentions of //#suicidal actions tw #mkvch

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deadcactuswalking · 4 years ago

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 26/12/2020 (LadBaby, Boris Johnson, Ed Sheeran)

It’s Boxing Day in the UK as I write this and I’m pretty tired but we still have to review those charts regardless, especially this chart as this is the Christmas chart – at least it’s being paraded around as such – and hence we have a Christmas #1. For the third year in a row, family vlogger, pseudo-comedian and amateur musician, not to be confused with DaBaby, Mark Ian Hoyle – more commonly known as “LadBaby”, has bagged the #1 for the holiday season. Every time I’ve covered the Christmas #1 it has been this guy and, yeah, I’m tired of it. At least this year he felt some stiff competition, and hey, the songs’ proceeds do go to charity. Oh, yeah, and this guy is the third act to have three Christmas #1s in a row, putting this nobody from Nottingham with a barebones Wikipedia page and a couple million YouTube subscribers on the level of the Beatles and Spice Girls. God, the UK Singles Chart never fails to amaze me. Anyway, that’s arguably not even the biggest story here so let’s start REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

As I said before, this is the “Christmas week” so throughout the UK Top 75 there are a lot of holiday songs re-peaking or reaching new peaks, before dropping off entirely the next week. Let’s start as we always do by listing the drop-outs from the chart, of which there are quite a few notable ones. Most of our top 40 debuts from last week are gone, like Taylor Swift’s “champagne problems” and “no body, no crime” featuring HAIM, as well as “Show Out” by Kid Cudi, the late Pop Smoke and Skepta. We can also say goodbye to “Sunflower (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse)” by Post Malone and Swae Lee, finally after 54 weeks and a surprise return earlier this month, in addition to other top 10 hits like “you broke me first” by Tate McRae, “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio and “What You Know Bout Love” also by Pop Smoke, as well as some more minor hits like “Wonder” by Shawn Mendes, “Lonely” by Justin Bieber and benny blanco, “Train Wreck” by James Arthur, “Golden” by Harry Styles and “Plugged in Freestyle” by A92 and Fumez the Engineer, but I can see almost all of these rebounding hard next week so I don’t think there’s much to worry about here. For fallers, since Christmas has really consumed everything about this chart this week, we have some big ones that’ll find themselves back in the top 10 or at least top 20 next week like “positions” by Ariana Grande at #19 (the first non-Christmas non-debut song to appear on the chart, by the way), “Sweet Melody” by Little Mix at #20, “Whoopty” by CJ at #22, “34+35” by Ariana Grande at #28, “WITHOUT YOU” by The Kid LAROI at #31, “Prisoner” by Miley Cyrus and Dua Lipa at #35 alongside “Midnight Sky” also by Miley at #36, “willow” by Taylor Swift off the debut to #37, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd at #38 and “Paradise” by MEDUZA and Dermot Kennedy. We also have “Therefore I Am” by Billie Eilish at #43, “Really Love” by KSI featuring Craig David and Digital Farm Animals at #45, even “HOLIDAY” by Lil Nas X at #49, “Mood” by 24kGoldn featuring iann dior at #54, “Loading” by Central Cee at #59, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #60, “Monster” by Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber at #64, “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd at #66, “Dynamite” by BTS at #67, “Lemonade” by Internet Money and Gunna featuring Don Toliver and NAV at #72, “Levitating” by Dua Lipa with the biggest fall down to #73 and finally “No Time for Tears” by Nathan Dawe and Little Mix at #74. To put the dominance of holiday music on the charts in perspective, if we take the songs that are not either explicitly Christmas-related or a clear Christmas #1 campaign (i.e. LadBaby), the song at #38 would be at #10 and our #1 would be “positions” by Ariana Grande at #19. “Whoopty” by CJ, that entered the top 10 last week and dropped to #22 this week, would be at #3. There are 11 songs in the top 40 that never made an effort to take advantage of the holiday season. When we get into some of our debuts, it’ll be even clearer how big Christmas is in British pop music. Anyway, let’s skim through our gains and returning entries, most of which are Christmas or Christmas-related. For returning entries, we have the comically awful “Lonely this Christmas” by Mud at #71, last year’s scam attempt at a Christmas #1, “River” by Ellie Goulding at #69, “The Christmas Song (A Merry Christmas to You)” by Nat King Cole at #63 (which I’d appreciate more in the top 20 like it is in the US every year – this is a classic), “2000 Miles” by the Pretenders at #62 (again, incredible song that deserves a higher holiday peak each year), “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” by Darlene Love at #58, “Santa’s Coming for Us” by Sia at #55, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by Sam Smith at #53 and for whatever reason, “Holy” by Justin Bieber featuring Chance the Rapper at #41. In terms of notable gains – and I stress notable, since a lot of higher-up Christmas songs had small gains but still good performance - we have “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by the Jackson 5 at #57, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” by Frank Sinatra at #56, “White Christmas” by Bing Crosby at #52, “Baby it’s Cold Outside” by Brett Eldredge and Meghan Trainor at #51, “Forever Young” by Becky Hill at #50 (both off of the debut), “Baby it’s Cold Outside” AGAIN by Michael Bublé and Idina Menzel at #47, “Love is a Compass” by Griff at #46, “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano at #44, “Cozy Little Christmas” by Katy Perry at #42, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” AGAIN by Dean Martin at #39, “Sleigh Ride” by the Ronettes at #34, “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay at #33, “Santa Baby” by Kylie Minogue at #32, “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber at #29, “Jingle Bell Rock” by Bobby Helms at #27, “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney at #26, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #25, “All You’re Dreaming Of” by Liam Gallagher at #24 (thanks to a Christmas #1 campaign that crashed and failed), “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by Andy Williams at #23, “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by John Lennon and Yoko Ono with the Plastic Ono Band featuring the Harlem Community Choir at #21, “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis at #18, “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade at #17, “Underneath the Tree” by Kelly Clarkson at #15, and finally, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” by Justin Bieber illegitimately notching a spot in the top 10 at #8. Finally, we can get onto the new arrivals, although something about this next one tells me that we won’t be in line for anything all that good.

NEW ARRIVALS

#70 – “I’ll be Home” – Meghan Trainor

Produced by Meghan Trainor

...for Christmas. She’ll be home for Christmas. I guess she just can’t finish sentences, even though her cover art has the full title. Anyway, this is a 2014 original Christmas song that went nowhere except Sweden. It’s not anything like the Bing Crosby and wasn’t nearly as successful, mostly because it’s a jingly, inoffensive ballad tacked onto a silly Christmas EP that also features Fifth Harmony and Fiona Apple of all people – who probably should have charted her track instead – as well as the deluxe edition of that debut record Title that nobody liked. At least in this, she’s not going for a faux-retro style, or at least one that I can find the inspiration for, and is just singing over this oddly jaunty piano melody – which sounds pretty albeit bland – as well as some swells of strings and acoustic guitar that do work sonically. The content implies that Meghan Trainor is in contact with Santa Claus personally, and that he gave her the advice to be home with her lover this Christmas and... that’s why this charted, isn’t it? Well, it’s not her fault – it’s not a “stuck with u” moment, but it is dodgy that she decided to put this on her own Christmas record that was released in October of this year, which can’t seem unintentional. I’d be lying to say this isn’t a pretty little tune from Trainor and her voice does fit this instrumental, but a jazzy rendition from someone with a deeper, smoother voice, would work wonders with the content. Oh, and that Christmas record features guest appearances from both Earth, Wind & Fire and Seth MacFarlane, as well as her dad, because, you know, sure, 2020.

#65 – “Gnat” – Eminem

Produced by d.a. got that dope

I can’t tell if I’m underestimating Christmas or overestimating Eminem when I say I expected an album bomb – or whatever that equivalent would be in the UK and our land of silly chart rules – from the deluxe edition of his pretty damn terrible album, Music to be Murdered By. This 3/10 trainwreck consists of two hours I’ll never get back of either great beats wasted by Eminem’s corny, stiff flows and painfully unlikeable delivery or obnoxious, unlistenable beats that are dated enough for Eminem to start going on his Relapse “killing women in funny accents” shtick, which was awful then and even worse now when he tries to replicate it. Marshall, you’re 48, and I know that you’re just “messing around” but if you’re going to treat the album as a cinematic masterpiece within the album and its thematic Alfred Hitchcock interludes, you have to understand that the audience will see it as that way as well, so you having fun and being painfully unfunny in the process over cutting-room-floor trap instrumentals cannot slide. At least Kamikaze had some genuine anger and dare I say some actual balls in how it tackled controversy and dissed everyone he could think of off the top of his head. The last record was angry and bitter, this one’s just tired and lazy, and that’s before we get into some of the ugliest bars, instrumentals and cadences Slim Shady’s ever put on record, which is especially present on “Gnat”, a lightweight trap banger with some acoustic guitars not dissimilar to those that would appear on a Lil Baby mixtape, complete with questionable bass mixing and really bad hooks. On the verses, he sends a death threat to Mike Pence, but on the chorus, his bars are “like COVID” because “you get them right off the bat”. I don’t know about you, but in 2020, I don’t want to hear Eminem harmonising with producer tags, making topical and insensitive pandemic references, or spitting sex bars with coughing ad-libs. Before the beat switch, his flows are some of the sloppiest and drawn-out he’s ever used, and yes, I’ll admit, that second beat is a lot better and Em kills it over that instrumental – but only for a brief moment before we have a third beat, which Eminem is pretty great over, especially with that sax and sweet piano keys overlaid with hard 808s and Eminem’s rapid-pace, quick fire flow... and then he raps the chorus again and I want the song to end as quickly as it started – thankfully, it does end rather abruptly. Just wasted potential all throughout – if that beat switch and flow was a guest verse on damn near anyone else’s record (Em has made tracks with Don Toliver of all people, and he could work), this could be great. For now, Em, you know Kris Kristofferson? I think you should Piss Pissofferson. Forever. Look that up, by the way, that’s a lyric on the record because of course it is.

#61 – “In the Bleak Midwinter” – Jamie Cullum

Produced by ???

I had only briefly heard the name “Jamie Cullum” before this, but he is an English jazz-pop singer and pianist who’s basically useless and uninteresting but, hey, at least he has a radio show on BBC Radio 2. Sure, I mean that might have been the reason that Amazon Music picked him up for an exclusive project for which this is the biggest single. It’s not on Spotify, it’s not even on Genius, and it’s barely on YouTube but since it is, I should tell you that this is his first charting single since 2009 and it’s a remarkably uninteresting rendition of a Christmas carol done a lot better by Jacob Collier – and that one’s on Spotify – so yeah, your sleepy piano arrangement and tone that makes you sound like Robbie Williams half the time and Beck the other, doesn’t interest me. Goodbye.

#30 – “Afterglow” – Ed Sheeran

Produced by PARISI, Fred Again and Ed Sheeran

If we inexplicably remove everything Christmas-related on the chart, Eminem’s “Gnat” would have debuted at #20, and this new track from Ed Sheeran, already stunted from being released on an unconventional day, would have hit #5. Regardless of chart position, Ed Sheeran’s back with his first solo single since Divide. Yes, I’m purposefully ignoring that collaborative project he put out in 2019 because as far as I know, it doesn’t exist. At the end of the year, when things are looking as if he could start touring again, Sheeran predictably releases his lead-off single. This song in particular is a heartfelt ballad from Ed to his wife, who he wishes to be there forever and even if they aren’t together at any moment, whether he’s touring or they separate for whatever reason, he’ll “hold on to the afterglow”. I won’t lie, it’s a really sweet and convincingly sold love song from Ed, even if it’s not anything new, it does feel like a different approach since he’s a newly-wed man now. Although I’m not a fan of this somewhat muddy mixing that somehow messes up just a guy and his acoustic guitar, making what should be a really pretty, ethereal and mellow track sound almost ugly, which doesn’t flatter Ed and his limited delivery at all, especially when he starts getting multi-tracked in the second verse and whooshing sound effects of strings pop up in the mix, and, yeah, it just sounds cheap and gross at this point, which is really a waste of incredible content and a great performance from Ed, who sells everything as well as he can. I understand how this is supposed to be down to Earth, so a perfect mix wouldn’t make sense, but if you’re going to make him harmonise with his own background vocals and even show signs of belting, give him some more grandiosity and go full out instead of restraining him so that it just sounds jarring. With a different mix this could be one of Ed’s best tracks since the melodies are on point, the song feels really heart-warming and sincere, especially coming from Ed to his wife, but we won’t get a remaster anytime soon, I imagine, so for now this is just pretty damn good. I love the cover art as well, painted by Ed himself, and released alongside the single as a bit of a Christmas gift to fans, as well as the start of what I’m pretty sure will be a promo cycle. If this is a good peek into what that album will sound like, it’s safe to say I’m more than excited than ever to hear from Ed Sheeran.

#5 – “Boris Johnson is a Fricking Jerk” – Kool & the Gang

Produced by ???

Okay, so the song’s calling Boris Johnson something stronger than a “fricking jerk”, and the song is decidedly not by soul legends Kool & the Gang, although I’d love for that to happen sometime. This is a family show, of course, so we have to take some liberties. This track originates from a comedian from Basildon, Essex of all places, and whilst we don’t know his name, the songwriting credit on Spotify is given to contemporary British poet Wayne Clements so maybe he’s behind this, who knows? Whether he is or not, I can tell you the history behind this comedian’s music, as he has been making crude short singles about controversial topics in British society and politics for a while, including some about Nick Clegg that charted, although never higher than #63. He retired in 2016 but after writing an autobiography, the guy’s back and he released a compilation of punk rock tracks, all of which are small and profane, with a “band” of puppets that I also can’t name. State-controlled Russian television networks – because, sure, again, it’s 2020 – say that he will start touring in 2021, mostly because he’s finally reached that mainstream audience with this family-friendly tune about Boris Johnson. Here’s how Vick Hope and Katie Thistleton introduced it live on air during the mid-week chart reveal.

Now at #19, we've got a track about Boris Johnson that has so many bad words in it, we can't play it on daytime Radio 1.

Ah, you cowards. Wait... Anyway, I’m pretty happy that the British public can stick it to Boris and the heartless Tories that follow him and currently rule the country, even if it is all a bloody stupid joke from an anonymous punk rocker. We can dig into Boris for his failures on Brexit, mishandling of the pandemic, disgraceful reality-star-esque personal life, that he wasn’t even born in the UK yet is basically a nationalist, his history of Islamophobic commentary, his crap excuses for journalism back in the 2000s or even his clown-nose, blonde bowl-cut “hair style” he adopts whilst addressing us on live television feeding us lies and misleading statements that turn into retcons the next time he has to address the nation, whether it be on Brexit or COVID-19 tiers and regulations, both of which are a confusing mess to both sides of Europe that exist to drift us away from where we should be going as a nation, and further into the realm of political party tribalism that we know absolutely does not work in the States and that we mock the Yanks for. We’re more than the sick man of Europe, we are the America of Europe. I guess you could say Ireland is our Canada, but we don’t even have a Mexico to make us look better, we just have other western, central and northern European countries that may be flawed but are far ahead of whatever the hell this shell of a union is in 2020, less than 80 years after the creation of our National Health Service. People will look to pundits and newsreaders like Piers Morgan, entertainers like Phillip Schofield, war veterans and charity-givers like Captain Tom Moore, and even politicians like Boris Johnson, as the “heroes” of Britain’s 2020 but it’s increasingly clear that absolutely no-one is a hero, and it’s the people’s right to be upset. Hence, nearly exactly a year after Boris Johnson cheated his way into power by smear campaigns and elitism, we have this song debuting at #5. Unfortunately, the song doesn’t go into any of that. It just repeats the title in an anthemic – and considerably agreeable – refrain that is an undeniable punk hook. The riffs and guitar work here isn’t of any interest, but the guy’s delivery is powerful and furious, so I’ll give the song credit: it’s not just correct but it’s really good, especially for a one minute runtime. He also released some satirical MIDI-level synth-pop remix with gross Christmas sleigh bells and hi-hat skitters, because, say it with me, it’s 2020. I wouldn’t recommend the album though, it overstays its welcome by the time you get to “Jesus Died of a Stranglewank”.

#1 – “Don’t Stop Me Eatin’” – LadBaby

Produced by who cares?

I can’t get mad at this lazy “parody” of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” about sausage rolls, or even its Ronan Keating remix, which is LadBaby doing a favour to Ronan Keating, if anything. Sure, my blood boils with the idea that this incompetent Internet personality from the East Midlands – which I think I’m sadly also able to describe myself as – got the #1 over Mariah Carey, or even that Boris Johnson diss track, but it’s going to the Trussell Trust and it’s ultimately an inoffensive, vaguely happy track that even gets the vegans involved. I, for one, prefer “Boris Johnson is a Sausage Roll”, a version of our #5 you can – and should – play on the radio even after Christmas. I don’t have anything more to say about this guy so piss off, LadBaby, you can’t even get the album cover right to the song you’re parodying, thrice in a row.

Conclusion

Best of the Week is definitely going to the Somethings for “Boris Johnson is a Something Something”, with an Honourable Mention to Ed Sheeran’s “Afterglow”. I can’t bring myself to give a charity single Worst of the Week so I’ll spare LadBaby the honour and grant it to Jamie Cullum for his greedy Amazon exclusive trite, with a Dishonourable Mention for “Gnat” by Eminem, for just being wasted potential all across the board. Next week, everything Christmas-related will be gone and we’ll get a bunch of returns and hopefully some new, interesting returning entries. We might even get the impact of Playboi Carti’s long-anticipated album – and I hope so because it’s fantastic – but that’s wishful thinking. Anyways, I hope everyone had a happy holiday season. Here’s our top 10:

Thank you for reading. You can follow me @cactusinthebank for more rambling about pop music and occasionally politics, and I’ll see you next year.

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