#havent slept well since November cause of this

[cutie-chimera]

I did it! I fucking did it! So many hours. SO much money. So many frustrating people and forms.

BUT

I am, at all levels of government and identification, myself. And just before the orange tyrant takes office.

*phew*

[babithyn]

November 21st, 2023

tw~ed

So i accidentally only ate 2 rice cakes with peanut butter and honey yesterday. Like it wasn’t intentional i just had to do so many things and i was exhausted.

I had to take my daughter to the dr. because of some problems with her umbilical cord. Then i had to put together her stroller when we got home.

I mean i also had a coffee from starbucks cause i was exhausted from staying up all night taking care of my baby.

What sucks even more is that i didnt even finish the stroller. i only have one more piece but still i have a huge mess in my living room.

Also, my bf who slept most of the night fell asleep with me, woke up and went to the gym. which i didn’t mind. what i did mind is him waking me up throughout the day to feed our daughter when he damn well couldve fed and changed her.

I would take the bottle he heated up and he would leave the room. I would accidentally fall asleep, bottle in hand without grabbing our daughter to feed her. And instead of him just being like, “you know what shes really tired i might as well feed our daughter.” He would wake me up and tell me to feed her or change her or whatever.

Of course im going to take care of our daughter, i love my little monster. But i could use the help when im that exhausted.

My frustration is peaked cuz i was so tired i slept all night as well and still was waking up ever 1-3hours to a screaming infant and who had to take care of her? that would be my ass.

In other news i lost another 2lbs so im happy about that. But idk what my dr. is going to say about that cuz ive lost A LOT since i gave birth. I just dont want any problems.

But tn im having a really hard time convincing myself to eat. Like ive been awake since 7am, its now almost 1 and i still havent eaten. i know i have to eat but the thought of eating rn makes me nauseous and anxious.

I havent breastfed or pumped in 2days and somehow my boobs dont hurt. which tells me im not producing enough milk and i know its from not eating. i honestly feel like a horrible mom.

Like fuck! why cant i just be a normal person and not worry about my weight and how i look until my daughter starts eating actual food?

anyways as alwaysthanks for coming to my ted talk. stay safe:)

[blue-hi]

i’ve been awake since 4:30 am and it’s 9:00 now so i need to get this out because it’s been months and i havent been able to spit the whole thing out and i need to SAY something so i think i’ll jst yell into the void so

thanks

ive had insomnia since at least mid october. cant really remember now when it started. i’d keep waking up in th emiddle of the night, always around 2 or 3 am and it would take ages to get back to sleep.

ive never been one for all nighters and i like getting a full night’s sleep and all of a sudden i wasn;t getting it and for no reason too. this scared me. it still scares me. i reached out to my mom for idk emotional support??? i didn’t want to be alone

“this happens to other people too” started out as a way to help but the way she said it sounded like she was dismissing me and what was happening. like it would all clear up soon so i had no reason to bother her

then the week before halloween almost all my classes assigned projects or had a test and they were all assigned at the same time at the end of the week and were all due at the same time on halloween. the saturday before halloween and after i got all the assignments i slept particularly awfully and i just broke down in th emiddle of the library. like all day and i couldn’t stop. that scared me even more bc if it happened once it can happen again

im terrified. that’s the core of the issue

that day my mom and aunt got me a plane ticket to fly home for the next weekend to see if being home would fix things. we even had a doctor’s appointment it didn’t fix anything. the doctor told me things i already knew but also decided i had generalized anxiety disorder and that was why i couldn;t sleep even though i wasn;t scared until after it started and i slept terribly that night again. i was hysterical. i still had no idea why i couldn’t sleep i shouldn’t have paced that loud in the hallway but yeah i wanted attention i felt alone. maybe it was selfish but i just wanted a hug and i knew then i was in for the long haul and i didn’t want to be afraid AND be alone but my mom just yelled at me (which she had the right to i was being not-great) and i felt i was burdening her. that’s when i realized she either can’t or won’t be there with me or both

i went to the counselor at my school and i just vented. not all of this but some of it and i had other problems at the time like my major and some classes but those had all worked themselves out by the end of november i also went to the health center and got a little bottle of this drug called hydroxyzine and that started helping a little bit. i was taking tylenol pm every night before that and apparently this was something stronger

then thanksgiving rolled around and i was still having some issues. one thing i remember most vividly is twin and i were going to drive to our dad’s house for the day. normally i drive but i handed the keys to twin because i hadn’t slept well and didn’t feel like driving. my mom noticed and asked why i didn’t want to drive and i SHOULD have lied and said that i wanted twin to practice but i told he truth and said i felt too tired to drive and she rolled her eyes at me later in the break one morning she asked me how i slept again and i said poorly and i was still half asleep but i swear she scoffed

then i knew i REALLY couldn;t expect her to help me. not even with the sleeping but just with support.

i went back to the school counselor (different person though) and! my mom still doesn’t know about that visit. she doesn;t know that counselor said that insomnia sometimes predates depression symptoms. should i tell her that? that’s also terrifying. i managed to get out of high school without really any mental illness issues so i;m a lucky one but that’s what i’m scared about going forward

i feel like it’s not as serious as it feels and that no i don’t have anxiety and no i don’t have depression (yet) and that i should just suck it up until i do but also i can have emotions because i;m a fucking person and ‘m allowed to tell people about them without feeling like a burden or a fake bc god forbid i have a single negative emotion in front of someone. i’ve always been a “good girl low maintenance child” and FUCK that

weirdly i started to sleep well during finals week and these past 2 weeks on break too but i think that’s because the hydroxyzine started to kick in. except oops now my supply is low and i have about a week or two left until i completely run out and the little bottle says NO REFILLS LEFT so i have to figure out how to get more for the semester last night i tried to go to bed without taking one to see if i’ve gotten any better. news flash nothing’s changed without it and now everything that had gone away in the last 3 weeks all the anxiety and hopelessness and tiredness and terror all came back last night and right now i feel like i;m back in the library again bc i can’t stop crying

what if i can’t get more before the semester starts?? if i’m like this during break what’ll happen when i have to stress again?

i came downstairs at 8 to do organic chemistry on khan academy because if i can’t sleep then i might as well do something productive. mom came down to get ready for work and she saw me and asked me if i was upset about not sleeping again

i was an idiot and said yeah - that’s what i hate too. i want to be honest about mental health with people and how i’m doing but to stop this i need to lie to her. now i’ll always be fine! and she never has to know if i;m in a bad way just as she likes it and i feel a w f u l about it. it makes be feel petty and petulant but i’m non confrontational. i want to tell her everything i;ve written here and just be so honest she has to listen to me instead of dismissing me every time but every time she asks i clam up and i failed again this morning she accused me of wanting to feel scared because “i hadn’t tried everything yet”. she and family members for christmas sent me some things that are supposed to help like a light developed by insomniacs or a winter light and i really do appreciate all of it, but they all came when the medicine was working so i didn’t NEED it. last night was different because i am a scientist and am my own guinea pig and i wanted to see what would happen if i didn’t take the drugs. i’ll use all of that tonight in Phase 2 of the Worst Experiment Ever but she wouldn’t LISTEN to me when i said that either.

now i’ll just say nothing. why should she know it’s only caused both of us stress. i wish she would take this (insomnia! depression!! mental health woo!) as seriously as she took my acne when i was 12. still now if i have a zit she feels entitled to touch my face. do you wanna know how you can help??? stay away from me and don’t wonder why i kind of want to tell her. she’s coming back home in a couple of hours bc it’s new year’s eve and i might still be in a state who knows but i’ll choke again and she’ll yell at me again and nothing will have changed

people have asked me how my semester went and “it’s been a shitty one,” i wanna say but normally i just say that i’m glad it’s over only for my parents to swoop in and say “it can’t have been all that bad i mean you did well with your grades in the end” like !! i pulled that B in physics out of my ass! just because i did ok academically because i’m lucky and good at school doesn’t mean my health was great! my dad can’t help me either because i’ll say that my mental health recently isn’t as good as it could be and he just goes “aww sweetie.” and that’s it. nothing else. thanks dad. i know you don’t know what to do with that information and i don’t fault you for that because emotions have never taken precedence in either household (except for all the curse words i learned from my mom when she’s inconvenienced)

all of this and i still don’t know why i can’t sleep normally

thanks for reading this fkn novel all of this has been on my chest for a LONG time and i haven’t had the chance to say any of it and if i get the chance i’m afraid i’ll forget something (i probably did here, too). i truly mean thank you. this has been cathartic to write, even though i still need to go to a counselor or something. i hope your new year (and decade!) is bright

[zugzwangz]

Things havent slowed down. In fact they have just gotten more intense. With a month and a half still remaining I can easily say that this year has been the best of my life. 

I’ve been doing this nintendo thing since the beginning of november and its been...well...interesting. They flew me out to Seattle for a 2 day conference which was really cool. I even got hooked up with a switch. What sucked tho was that i hardly did any exploring because Seattle night life is p garbage compared to the bay area. I didn’t leave without an interesting story tho! 

On the second night i was looking for legit anything to do. My boss and friend was hanging out with his gf the entire time, so he wasnt an option. I tried hitting up a high school friend who lived in the area but she legit just wanted to smoke and watch a movie, and I really wanted to sites so i wasn’t about it. The day prior I cohosted a insta meet, which is when you just get as many instagram models and photographers to flash mob in one location. I met a power couple who were p stoked on me. After talking for awhile we realized that we had met prior back in California. So, in desperation to do anything cool i hit them up to hang. We had a really cool night i got to see the touristy shit. Things were going p cool so i asked them if they wanted to hang out at my hotel. They agreed and we proceeded to get drunk at my place. So time passes and i see them clearly getting comfortable, they began slowly stripping and massaging each other. I was confused cause i was also in the room, and i barely knew them. I kind of shrugged it off and kept dj-ing. I just thought they were a friendly trusting couple. So Im in the corner of the room playing music off my laptop these guys are on my bed looking like the beginning of a porno. They kept asking me to join them and to give them massages. I kept politely rejecting them and then eventually realized that they were trying to start a three way. I ended up passing out on the floor of my own hotel because i didnt want to kick them out and also didnt want to sleep in the same bed. I was fosho not comfortable at all. Maybe slept 2 hours that night. 

Besides that Seattle was p boring. Work since then has been annoying because the people i work with are all in their 30s and really normal besides my boss. When i originally signed up i thought it was gonna be me and my boss playing games all day and getting paid bank. Only the last part has ended up being true. My boss is chill asf on our last 3 month gig the harshest thing we had to deal with, was that our beer got confiscated on a music festivals grounds. On this gig that same boss is much higher than me so i barely even get to hang with him. I deal with lower management and handle all the important paperwork and act as unofficial hr for our team, cause for some reason everyone tells me their problems. Its been really stressful. This weekend someone deleted 2 weeks worth of user data, which i then had to recreate in a night and then go back to work the next morning. There’s also rumors floating around that our market might not be around in the upcoming years, which has everyone on edge when employees don’t take the job seriously. I really want to return next year fosho despite everything. Ive made half of last years salary in 2 months and its not like i cant handle stress. 

In my personal life, I’ve began restructuring things in a way that better accommodates me. Im back on my workout grind early in the morning. Ive kicked my smoking habits (which were getting close to addiction level). I’m cooking with a bunch of creatives and making weird shit. I got really fucked up with my friend Phil awhile ago, and we had this long conversation about people and friendship and the future. After all was said and done I got to this point around a week and a half ago where i realized I only want people around who want to be around. No more forcing friendship. Tbh its been a good system cause the people who actually care check in and make themselves heard in my life. I'm not apart of any group chats now so I'm on my phone less as a result and I try not to be now regardless. I really just wanna put myself out there as much as possible and just absorb.

Regarding girls, I’ve been seeing a few people pretty consistently but I’m getting ready to cut them off or go back to being friends. I definitely think im ready for a monogamous situation again.

SORRY FOR SPELLING ERRORS! NOT GONNA PROOF READ! 

i just word vomit and post. 

[gsmatthews95]

para para paradise

Hola mis amigos. Oo I miss speaking Spanish actually, the problem with being in Australia its all English, no Spanish shockingly. Fine I'll go to mexico to visit Hannah and "practice my Spanish", a good excuse for another holiday.  I would love to go back mexico actually and see whale sharks, cartels and weed plantations, lol sorry Hannah.

But I digress I am writing today because I have a bit of time to kill before my ferry back Townsville and my consequential bus down to airlie beach Whitsundays, WOOOO YOLO LETS HAVE THE BEST THREE DAYS OF MY LIFE. But that is my next stop so you dont get to hear about it yet, mainly cause I havent actually done it yet but I am pretty sure I could give you a very accurate representation of how it will go: beaches, snorkeling, jumping off boats, goon, paddle boarding and some more goon I imagine.

But no, I will bring us back again, and seriously guys stop distracting me by sending me on tangents it makes these posts longer than they already are, veryyyy longggg. Okokok I am currently by the pool and coincidentally also sat by the beach on magnetic (Maggie) island. A virtual Paradise on earth as it is blessed with buff beaches and bays, wicked wildlife including THE LARGEST POPULATION OF KOALAS IN SUCH A SMALL AREA IN THE WORLD, bangin barbie cars, fan four by fours and a pretty tremendous trek. That was some outrageous alliteration if I say so myself, I take my inspiration from the one and only big shak.

So what did I do? I hear you ask. I am glad you asked guys. So 6 us hired a huge 4x4 for 24 hours costing us 35 bucks each overall, not bad value at all. It was nicknamed Bertha because she was such a beast and having cruised thru the outback in the 2wd falcooon with its 2inch ground clearance this was a slice of heaven. The huge tyres, the foot high suspension and the space, they were enough to make me feel like I had found nirvana and could now die happy, pure ecstasy.

So with big Bertha we set out our map and plan and just cruised. First stop koalas. The main animal left on my list I needed a selfie with, its safe to say this was a pressurised stop but the man had said there about five on this plot of land, so we searched. And bingo. First spotted in 3 minutes by yours truly. It was adorable but far away so we kept looking and second was located but was also a way away. We moved to a new tree. Best decision of my, and probably my compatriots lives. We found numbers 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 in swift succession with each getting closer and closer. Finally I found the winner, a fat koala just out of arms reach and ideal for the photos, we harassed this poor koala for maybe 10 mins before thinking he needs to go back to his 23 hour sleep. Koalas tick.

Next stop was a hike up to a WWII fort, a nice walk famous for koalas but we didn't care about them anymore having seen such a plethora already. It was a nice walk tho with gold company and when we came to the top and climbed on the highest building it was a buff view to be fair, worth the walk, about 1.5-2 return maybe, I'm not really sure, soz. After a slow start in the morning owing to a lack of organisation and the previous nights exploits we had made a good start to the day. So we hopped back in to the beast and bombed it to the next spot.

Snorkelling, yes please. Keen to use our complementary snorkeling kit, it was a must do activity for the day. And having been spoilt with an abundance of wicked snorkel trips in the past I didn't know what to expect but was hopeful owing to clearness of the water. We got there, suncreamed up, waited ten mins, and I was in. As I've eluded to in previous posts, when I spot a swimming spot, there ain't nothing stopping me. Oo side note, we got lucky on our timings because November - may is stinger season and you can't swim lol, losers who came them. But yeah they're very serious about the stingers insisting you west a stinger suit and they even have vinegar on the beach in case of an attack. But yes the snorkeling, it was decent nice coral and I saw a few sting rays, although I missed the reef sharks that were out reputably. Gutted. The visibility wasn't great though but a nice little swim anyway.

We also tried to feed birds afterwards. This was a let down. But nevertheless quite funny I suppose as we got there and saw 10 people with wet bread in their hands holding it up.... We naturally joined this bizarre ritual and grabbed our soggy bread. It was a bit butterz and after 3 mins it was clear they weren't coming so we ditched it and flew on to our next spot, west point. Perfect for a good sunset.

It was buff. A beautiful beach. Clear blue water. And a nice setting yellow sun. I obviously went swimming, alone sadly, probs would have been a bit weird if there was someone else there cause it would have been well romantic. But yeah, we chilled and watched the sun drop as you do with any sunset, so I won't bore you by describing it. I nice end to a nice day. BUT WAIT.

This was not the end...I have a surprise for y'all. Yep our last activity of the day. Feeding rock wallabies. Too bloody cute, as tenure nocturnal you go in the dark to feed them carrots, awwwww. Loaded with carrots and apples we descended. And there they were, so small and cute I seriously didn't realise how small they were, like tiny. They were also very scared and tentative but would still usually accept the free meal. We even fed two which had little tiny babies in their pouches, this was too much. They were lovely.But yes that was a sick day and then we had the car the next morning so went for another wee snorkel and saw lots more rays. Before heading to see butterflies, thee weren't many butterflies. So we headed to a beach to chill and I climbed some big rocks, matt you'd be so proud of me. Since then its been all chilling by the pool and beach and swimming obvs. I also slept in my tent last night yay and intend to stay in it again tonight.Basically Maggie island has been awesome, a must stop for anyone on the east coast.

.But now I'm off to catch my ferry and bus. You won't hear from me for 4 oR 5 days.So I'll wish you adieu.

G