#havent been able to really find the energy to draw

[peacockrulz]

Mental health has been on the floor lately- so have some misc doodles i have lying around :]

[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

what am i if not an artist?

i havent been able to create anything at all recently. nothing good anyways. its weird i used to create big gorgeous pieces of art almost daily but now i can barely bring myself to doodle anything, im not sure what happened. i think it may just be me getting older, im more critical of myself and i dont have the time or energy to create anything anymore. its sad really. im not really good at school, im not extremely attractive, im bad at sports and i dont really have any other talents or anything all i was ever really good at all at was art. im an artist. its a fundamental part of who i am and how i view the world. i see the world through shapes, lines, colors, textures, contrasts i see the world as a huge piece of art. now i cant create anything in it. when i had my whole NAHS induction thingy a part of the pledge stood out to me, "i promise to leave this world more beautiful than when i came into it" (thats not word for word but it was something like that). id like to live by that. that i will put beautiful things in this world in the hope that maybe it will help someone somewhere. i fear im losing my art. losing myself really. ive always wanted my art in a museum. any museum, small, big, local, famous doesnt matter just somewhere where it might help someone. i love museums i wanna work in one one day. i fear though that this art rut will last and i wont be able to create anything good again. i used to make portraits, comics, landscapes, collages, paintings, drawings you name it i made it and id do at least one daily but now my sketchbooks sit collecting dust. if im not an artist anymore than what am i? art has been so ingrained in who i am. ive always been an artist since i was little. now? theres a hole where my creativity should be. it makes me sad and confused. why cant i make anything anymore? i want to but i just cant. its a weird feeling, almost like theres something wrong with me. something is off. i find myself comparing myself to other artists too and i feel behind. like my art looks so much less clean and good than my classmates. i want to be an artist, my hands want to create, my mind is overflowing with ideas but there is something in me thats making me unable to put all of this to use. i am an artist. i love art. i love creating. i just cant for some reason. i know art doesnt have to be "good" but mine does.

[lordfreg]

hi feg :)

HRU?? I havent been able to chat or talk 2 u or even CHECK UP in on u in awhile and im sorry 😞😞mb chat—

ANYWAYS. Here to checkup on the awesome wonderful talented amazing extraordinary artist and friend.

Have you . . . EATEN THREE MEALS, DRINKEN A WATERBOTTLE, SLEEP EIGHT HOURS AND TAKE BREAKS??

EEEEKKKKKKK HIIIIIII FREANKIIEEEEEE I MISSED YOU SOOO MUUCCCHHHH!!!!!! 🖤🖤🖤🖤💫💫💫💫💫💫💫💫💜🖤💜🖤🖤💜🖤💜🖤💜🖤💜💫🖤💫🖤💫💜💜🖤💫🖤💜🖤🖤💜

When I got this yesterday I basically said I was fine, but I'm going to be absolutely transparent; I am extremely unhappy

(tw su!c!de)

I think I don't think I'll be able to make it through next year. If I do, amazing! Epic!

But if I dont; it's not anyone's fault. Shit just happens sometimes and it's fine

I'm growing more and more exhausted and I'm breaking out in autoimmune rashes. My mental health has been on a decline, and I'm thinking about just dropping everything

I'm not getting help or the treatment I need. It hasn't been fun so far. As lexie can confirm, I freaked out a few days ago because of spiders

I'm working on saving to move out and go away for college because the mental health resources here are unhelpful, judgmental and gossipy

And im now finding out I may or may not have extreme psychosis and ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) and I don't want anyone to look at me differently for it. And I especially don't want people in this town knowing that.

My hallucinations are getting worse, I'm literally getting so exhausted I can't bare to draw for more than an hour a day. I want to draw nonstop, but I get tired like I just did gymnastics when I do.

So in conclusion; I'm not doing good and it hasn't been fun for me.

I might have parasites(???), but I haven't bene to the doctor in over 2 years because last time I went he took anxiety from my diagnosis because "I didn't look like I have anxiety"

I eat one meal a day, usually chicken, and have two protein shakes. I'm getting too exhausted to even get food anymore

I have powered through unhelpful lectures, exercise, daily chores, babysitting, work, family, etc.

It hasn't been fun to only work out because I'm angry. I've had 0 energy to do anything, and I haven't been motivated enough to do anything <- I literally had to put my phone down to rest

I literally am just typing my best to duck tape myself together so I can last a little longer. It's been really, really rough and I've been pacing in circles talking to myself because I don't have anyone to talk to.

Sure I have friends, but like, why would I ever say anything to them? Probably when I'm open and honest I sound like a complete pyscho hbhjjjjjkjjjnnj

I think the only thing keeping me from snapping is the fact I'm too tired to do anything.

Look, I'm really sorry if I disappointed you, or I seem like a cry baby, or I'm just a downer, I am in extreme mental turmoil constantly.

I am trying my best to keep it together.

Thank you for your time

[credulouscanidae]

i feel like this year has been a huge bust mentally

i didnt wanna be like this still by christmas, let alone the new year

i dont want it to become march and im still like this, a whole year since moving by then.

but i can feel myself improving, funny enough.

ive spent a lot of this time in despair and grief, and i was giving myself a time limit on those feelings. which made me unable to meet my own expectations, which made me recede and become unable to challenge myself, because i wsa constantly setting myself up for failure to begin with. it feels impossible to do a challenge youre already failing before you begin.

and i have been self aware this whole time too, having that logical part of me talk me through it all. i can look back at myself almost in a third person, as ive always done, and see all the connections as to why im feeling and therefore behaving this way.

so instead of sitting around punishing myself, ive been /trying/ to tell myself theres no time limit on adjustment, and that i am strong enough to pull through. even if i come out of this being disliked. ive put so much energy into being anxious about what people think of me, that ive caused my own cycle of not being able to face it.

i have been acutely aware this whole time that others can only do so much for me, and in the end the only person who can change my situation is me. for me to find that inner strength to do that.

i feel like a lot of the noise has quietened down now. because i had to suddenly grapple with not only accepting my old life was changing, but that i had to suddenly build up a brand new life from scratch with very little support. but the life building in england is finally feeling...like i can do it. things feel less confusing and daunting, the roads feel less scary to navigate, i know where to go for what i need now, and ive been falling into daily routines again. which i didnt have when i first arrived. it's like my roots are finally burying in. and thats making incorporating my aussie roots back into my life feel a bit more doable.

i WANT to have voice chats with friends, or have a casual hello. i dont want to be like this. having a twisted tummy and palpitating heart every time i see a new notification on my phone. i havent even cleared my notif bar on my phone for months, out of fear of seeing a message i havent checked from so long ago. there is so much literal and mental clutter. and i want to be free of all of these notifs and emails etc. its not anyones fault but mine. i WANT to be more engaged, i feel homesick and miss everyone. and i HATE that those feelings dominate my behaviour, and how EASY it is to fall into a self fulfilling prophecy. i hate how it makes me a neglectful friend and family member.

but, with therapy, and settling into my life here. i think i can slowly work my way up to getting over all of this. i really. really. REALLY. fucking want to. i want to draw again, i want to learn how to sculpt, i want to be involved in peoples lives again. because right now, im finding it hard to even humour the idea of making friends here in the uk, because of how guilty that would make me feel, and how not ready i am to make new connections, especially cuz i would rather reinforce connection with existing people in my life.

again. self fulfilling. all that does is make me continue to be lonely.

but as i said, it's slowly getting better. i feel bad about how negative ive been all this time. i just want people to know that, in regards to my relationship, i AM happy. and i know that 10 years from now im going to look back on all of this with evren and go "fuck man that was a lot huh"

you cant hate yourself into loving yourself, and thats something that has kept my spark going, even when it's been one bad thought away from fizzling out.

im trying to be easier on myself. i know that all of this can exist at the same time as me having negative effects on others (which i guess is just an assumption to begin with) and i am not immune to causing that damage. but honestly? right now in this moment, im trying to give myself some compassion and lenience. because ive spent years and years feeling anxious and being hyper vigilant about my behaviour and how i affect others, that i have barely taken the time to consider myself and be healthy and strong in my core self. as they say, assume the best unless told otherwise. thats going to be a goal of mine. i always assume good intentions from people, even to a detriment, so i hope to take that view and shape it into a healthier outlook. maybe not everyone has their best intentions or insight, but i think overall people are just trying. god, in this goddamn fucked up world, all we can do is try.

and thats why i need to be more lenient.

sorry for all the tangents and sloppy execution. im probably in the acceptance stage of grief atm lmao, and im tired of being like this.

[emmabebe0906]

COME BACK I MISS UU😭😭 you shaped my childhood i found your works when i was 12 IM 17 NOW i miss slyth i miss YOUR OCSSS WE MISS YOUUU

:(

im sorry to disappoint you, i cant draw as much as i used to. my body has severely deteriorated compared to when i was able to draw every day, back in... um.. when was it.. it feels like its been so long i dont really remember when it started. im gonna guess around 2020/2021 maybe?? i feel like it was before that but im not sure.

either way, i miss the days when i was younger too. youre not alone in that.

i have a lot of mental and physical problems i've been working very hard to fix, and ive been slowly but surely trying to get healthier. ive been to a lot of doctors and specialists and i even stayed at an eating disorder center for a while. i dont want to go into too much detail about my personal life but the past few years have been entirely focused on improving myself.

i also finished college, so im trying to find my place in the world on top of all of that. i really wanted to do animation/art as my career, i even got a degree in computer animation... but i dont feel like i learned much... and i cant sit in a chair long enough to actually get any work done. its so painful to draw, and even exist for that matter. im in a lot of pain, constantly. it sucks. ive been working really hard, but if i dont improve soon. i might need to pursue a different profession.

i do have a lot of art i havent posted here that i plan to post eventually, but ive been very preoccupied. on hiatus basically. sorry to everyone on discord i havent replied to (i have so many dms but no energy to keep up with this online identity T_T). ive taken a severe step back from the internet as a whole, and everyone on it, i guess. id like to create more original content... but because of everything that's happened, my creative juices arent flowing as much anymore.

i hope you all wont miss me too much. id like to come back some day, i hope i can get better soon. i love you guys, and thanks for checking up on me anon. it means a lot to me that people still care/think about me. heres a slyth doodle i made for you, he misses you too.

[rainecloud020604]

RAINE idk where you want to say it but can you tell me more about Universo's Holy Sinners AU 🥺I was thinking about it lots today and I wanna hear your Thoughts

oh my god this post ended up a mile long under the cut with ye!!

okay SO :3c Holy sinners is actually an AU that @flowerrose14 came up with by going "hehe wouldnt it be funny if Anthony was a demon and Universo was a priest and they had a thing going on" and well yea how could I not go wild with an idea like that? In Aus i do like to do things like change ocs species if need be, as for this au Universo instead of being a god is in fact an angel disguised as a priest on earth

Now the reason they are disguised is because he has been walking on the earth since like the late late 1800s and has grasped this is an area mortals tend to well use this position for power and manipulate people and Universo wanted to find a way to eliminate that, as well as get away from the role of a warrior angel as slaying demons constantly gets tiring and boring after a few hundred years :( finding a way to work themself into being a priest and also finding a specific church to work on and rid it of corruption and rebuild it to be more open and safe to all people of hell even different religions too

This is just a small but big goal universo has been working on for a WHILE, and in the mean time having a job got them a little too much money than he needed so in the 1950s they had a huge house built, several rooms and they planned it out perfectly so it could have several people living there as Uni wanted another place for people to be able to come to and live for a bit or a while if needed, the roof is high enough for them to get through and the smallest room is theirs as he doesnt really need that much and wants any people who he takes in to feel comfortable and get the room they prefer and not have to have the smallest one

though all of this is background stuff on this universo <33 it is minor things but it leads up to current uni who is a priest, and has a few kids hes taken custody of living in their house of all sorts of traumatized origins that well what can they do other than make sure they are comfortable and have a place the feel safe <3 Though there is Artsy who hates them because of Anthony's influence on her which leads to a lot of spite fueled actions where uni sits there going "okay good luck be safe" and her getting pissy ahfdkjhsfash

All while duel wielding this universo has to deal with Anthony. Who honestly just pisses off universo SO much because its just constant fighting and exorcisms and dealing with his bullshit that is flirting????? fucked up flirting???? Anthony just annoys Universo to hell and back and gets under their skin often enough that Uni has almost almost considered wiping Anthony off of this plane of existence because of this demons bullshit, but they havent so its fine! It's only like Anthony ripped off Universos brothers wings at some point and thats when universo finally snapped to let anthony get a small taste of what they are hiding underneath that guise of a priest <3 After all universo puts a lot of energy into concealing their aura of how powerful of an angel they are because well that can draw a lot of attention from demons he doesnt want at all! Though Anthony isn't helping at all :/

A lot of universos life is private though part of it is dragged into the public eye against their will, after all you house a cult victim and the news wants to be in your face constantly about it when shes out and about with you as you are trying to help her through exposure therapy to get out of the house a little more. A lot of this bullshit just annoys Universo but they do their best to appear relaxed and unbothered by it constantly, after all its just stupid stuff no need to give the public some entertainment while you are trying to help someone out >:( especially recovering from something traumatic, though his home life otherwise is rather chaotic in other means, got two ghosts in the house who were guardians of one kid who uni has decided to make sure their graves were proper and also the documentary about them and their criminal past before death didnt misgender either of them, its all a little chaotic but thats okay! after all Universo did in fact kinda welcome this into the house <3

theres so much going on with him and it makes me ghjekrgkehgerhgjk because they choose to juggle so much and its fine, he can handle being a holy man on top of this and making sure people of all practices have a place to do so <3 Universo rebuilt a catholic church for this purpose and he'll be damn sure this is a safe place as it took a lot of work

[mariska]

got my income for the month the other day and after 6+ months of not being able to make digital art the way i'm used to with my specific accessibility needs because of physical health symptoms with my hands, i was finally able to buy myself a new Paint Tool Sai license today, since a little while back i successfully installed an optional Windows 10 operating system on my Macbook (Sai doesn't run on Mac, at least not Version 1 which is what i need and have been using for over a decade) that i can switch back and forth between whenever and i am so so so so happy and relieved about it and so fucking excited to get to draw digital lines the way im used to drawing them after trying so many other similar programs and failing to find anything that worked exactly the same as Sai's basic built-in pen stabilizer 😭😭😭😭😭😭

i was able to quickly test out my (also ancient lol) art tablet with it and make sure everything works and it doesnt lag or anything like that and its perfect its exactly like i've always used it, i remembered which pen stabilization number setting i've been using for years and like.

dude. i know i sound dramatic right now LMAO but i CANNOT sketch or draw properly on traditional paper or sketchpads anywhere near what i can do in Sai because of all my tremors and shakiness and sudden muscle movements that make accidental lines and all that. and when i drew just one regular brush stroke in Sai and felt it move like im used to and got that super smooth sensation of 'pretty much just drawing like im holding a pencil/pen but with the shakiness of my lines improved'....almost cried a lil not gonna lie fjsgdgsgdhsgshf its been so many months and i've put so much mental energy into researching how to do that whole windows installation on my 2012 era macbook and somehow did that without completely messing it up and then having to wait until a month where i have enough extra money to buy the official version (Sai is so important 2 me and the most accessible digital art program i've ever used for my specific hand problems and i've used it for so long that i am only comfortable using the officially licensed version of it, yknow?) and also theres just something so nice about finally being able to use it again a few days before my birthday even though that timing wasn't on purpose...

AHHHHH im just so relieved. i feel like im free to just be able to make sketch pages and draw stuff whenever i have free time to and i have an idea in my head again and i havent felt that in so long and it was making my depression so much worse....and also because i've been doing my best to adapt to the similar but different settings in Clip Studio Paint, i have 2 really nice digital art programs with a lot of cool and useful features between the both of them now that i can use to like, mix and match with my art!! which is awesome!! i think Clip will mostly be used by me now for more graphic design type projects since Sai's always been my core art program, but i'd love to experiment with drawing/sketching/painting pieces in Sai and then plopping them into Clip and adding some extra fun effects or background elements or even just easier to repeat patterns with its' huge free-to-use resource library for like stamps and texture effects and more photoshop-y things like that.

ANYWAYS!! im just rambling to myself because im so happy and relieved to have My Art Program back so i thought i would share since its rare for me to feel as happy and excited and get some sense of normalcy back in any capacity these days, being immunocompromised and stuck in my house as long as i have been the past 3 years and counting. it has been a good amount of time since i've felt like i have A Victory To Celebrate and i hope that feeling lingers as long as it can 🥹✌️

[ancientgoddessofegypt]

Depressive Episodes : Owning up to my emotions and allowing the waves of depression to push me through my toughest battles.

One thing about me, is that I never give up.

Im resilient, even when I don't believe it.

I've never allowed myself to fail, even when at times I knew I was falling. Its just... not in me to let go. I just gotta breathe, man. I can't see myself allowing the world to dig me into my own grave.

But that doesn't mean I havent thought about it.

Sometimes when I can't see the future, I go crazy and can't stop myself from having a manic depressive episode.

Other times, I can see the future, or the idea of it, and still go into a manic episode. So of course.. it doesn't matter when, what or where, when that wave of depression hits.. it starts to get me down to one of those spiraling series waiting to be channeled into something else.

So far, I've learned to creative outlets for my depression. Being honest, and escaping into worlds of creativity like painting, drawing, poetry.. Im still learning how to paint my emotions and make it seem more meaningful. But hey, anything to cure the depressive thoughts. I can't live like this anymore.

But the thing is, depression comes through waves and tries to leave its mark on society due to a painful reality we seem to suppress within. We can't lie to ourselves anymore, things are getting worse, and it seems as if it has no plans on getting better.

Or so they say...

I have a feeling that depression in our society has a LOT to do with our needs not being met, but ALSO because theres something negging at us to be seen. And its love.

We live in a cold reality, where most people pretend to be in their ego but not in their hearts. The warmth we are needing is in community, but there hasnt been too many spaces for community to fondle in. Depression sticks due to some of the food we eat, the shows and news we digest, the constant negativity that is plastered in front of us day in and day out. You know.. this can tire out a lost soul, and distract you from the primary mission. So to say that depression can be easy to fix, isn't the most practical way of thinking, at least not on my end.

Its taken me 5 years to really get to the nitty & gritty of depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, fear.. etc... and I've come to the conclusion that this thing can be generational as well as something going on in the psyche and needs further analyzation in other to appreciate the whys and the why nots of depression so you can heal it clearer. In most cases, depression can find healing through the arts, but what if thats not your niche? What if theres something more you must succumb to and haven't figured it out?

One of the things I've learned is mathematics. Boy I hated math as a kid cause I 'sucked' and I kept failing, however as I've made it to adulthood, I realize I DO love math, just not the way it was taught. Over time, I've made time to study math and all its different layers, its like a universal code. It helped me remember some parts of my childhood that made it easier to appreciate it. I say this because it's been one thing that's lifted me up along side photography. On of the main things that lifted up my energies into higher vibrations and being able to relieve myself of any depressive wave that entered my energy. Anytime I do feel depression sometimes I sit with it, sometimes I go and find purpose.

Because depression is causing you to lack clarity, focus, drive and remembrance of your souls horizon. Your purpose. Your mission. What reason did you decide to come here, love?

So what I want you all to know is that when your feeling depressed, there is something in you that wants to be notified. Yes those emotions are deep and sometimes rather intense but the only way to get out of the mud is if you get to digging and remembering why you even started doing it in the first place. It's so you can get back to you.

So began to say good bye to your depression, your healing era awaits my love. Depression is only a wave of thunderstorms creating a destiny for you to see that rainbows are on the other side of that tired, daunting feeling.

[blueempty]

I havent been outside in two days but if you know what driving on I-4 is like then you know I earned it

It was suuuuper nice out and I didn't go out but I was able to leave the back door open all day which was cool. I'm very particular about humidity because of mold but 43% for most of the day is like my favorite thing to see. I was absurdly productive today for how little sleep I got last night. I made a fockin risotto earlier. Crazy. But between all the productivity I was still taking breaks to play fairune even tho i said I was done with it hehe. I want to get faster and I just like looking at those games. Fairune blast is also like a perfect baby shmup for me

Today was video game day with my friends (🫵) and I was surprised that my brother joined us while we were playing Monster Hunter Rise. We were just talking the night before about how he doesnt really vibe with that game anymore, but I keep encouraging him to make his own fun because you have so many options in that game. The other thing that I encounter a lot when playing games with people outside the 3 people I talk to every day is like, I have to put a conscious cap on the speed at which I talk, and I put a lot of brain energy into not over explaining shit. Cuz a lot of the multiplayer games I like have complicated systems that become really fun when you get used to them, but if I info dump everything at the start it'll likely ruin the experience. I have not been socialized enough the past decade and I can feel it lol. But a little bit of it is also just like, when you have time limits as a grown up its tempting to cram as much fun as you can into the hour you have to do things, but you gotta remember to take things slowlier

Im almost done drawing one of the things I've been chipping away at for like a week now. I just cant find the time to sit and do it cuz stuff keeps coming up but it looks good. I'm usually more concerned about drawing things "too late" cuz its a new year thing I'm working on, but last year I was seeing year of the tiger shit all the way in august so I'm like whatever, its my year of the Dragon bitch i'll put them out whenever I feel like it

Peace and Long Life

[penguin--person]

hey. hey you. I’m way too nervous to leave an actual comment on it but the rain world fic you posted recently. Fucking slaps. It’s so good. Idk how to put it into words but it’s like you make the characters so clear and and…idk but I think your fic is so cool and good. AND I DONT EVEN RAIN WORLD IS SUPPOSED TO BE. I came in through PAFL but I’ve been curious about rw for a while now, and this has made me want to check it out even more. Also, take your time on the swap au!! Stay healthy(physically AND mentally. They both matter) and don’t burn yourself out! Always remember that you are priority #1, and that your needs should always come first. Alright that’s it bye :D

AWAWA!!!! wawawwaaa!!!! explodes and diessssss ..n"!!! thanke you!!! thank you:3!!!!! your kind words are always so!!! nice and cool!!! and a pleasure to receive!!! <3333 rain world my good friend rain world... its a game for sure!!! ive been engaging less w the fandom lately, but, i still rlly like the game:3 ive been into it for. checks steam achivements. like two years now (i got into pafl not long after i think) !! rain world has these thangs tho - slugcats! :) the link leads to my rw pafl au... i have. SO Many pafl aus. you dont even Know. i havent even posted half of them. you dont know about my wandersong pafl au. you dont know about my buddy sim pafl crossover. you dont know about my pathologic pafl au (yet) (>:3). and thats because i never draw anything for them ❤️might write smth tho... ..

mm . youre rlly cool. thank you again!!! for your support!!! as a thank you, heres what ive got so far for the next chapter of swap! its not much, and mostly just first draft, but! just for you ❤️the '*' signal words/sentences im gonna italise

It’s another day. Just like always.

Half-asleep, Yura glances at the door, halfway through his breakfast. His mother’s standing there. She’s already fully dressed, while her son is still in last night’s clothes. He hasn’t had much energy as of late. It’s not like he ever has any energy, even more as of late, with the trip to the zone coming up... Not to mention everything that’s happened with Dmitry.

Yura grunts at the thought of that… *monster. 

Why didn’t he stick around? Maybe he’d have been able to convince Sergei to let him stay, or at the very least, not report him. Maybe he could have helped Dima escape. Maybe he could have seen the police coming and warned him. Maybe if he had used his brain, he’d have told Sanya to let Dima stay at his place and avoided all of this. But, no amount of *maybes is going to change the fact that he’s gone. Dead, maybe, for all they know.

The door clicks shut. He’s alone now. Anya is either at school (Is there school today? What day is it?) or, more likely, at Olya’s right now. She probably won’t be back for some time. Yura will be all by himself until then, getting swallowed up by unnecessary feelings.

… Whatever. He only knew him for a week. He shouldn’t care. His eyes shouldn’t sting at the memory of the guy. It doesn’t matter that Yura wasted so much time and money helping him out. Feeding him, giving him a place to stay, hanging out with him even though he was *such a pain in the ass.. But none of that matters now. Never will matter, because he’s gone.  The only thing that matters is that he- *it, Yura corrects himself - killed a few people in Sergei’s flat.

… Well, not really people. Not ones that matter, anyway. Three or so cops. Blew up their heads, Sanya said, that it looked like that’s what happened. Yura got the feeling she didn’t tell him more than she had to during their phone call. It was clear that she wasn’t pleased with how things turned out. Maybe she was hoping Sergei could help Dima. Let him live with them.  Find some place for him to stay, at least.

Yura can’t find the strength to not blame her for this. The rational side of him argued that she was the *least to blame, actually, she didn’t know this would happen. Most likely, she didn’t even know that Dima’s a mutant. Still. Though the final nail in his (hopefully only metaphorical) coffin was decided by Sergei, *she took Dima to him. She should have known.. but, how could she have? There was no way for her to know.

A frustrated groan escapes the teen. There’s really no need to be thinking that much about him. About *it.

He groans again, frustrated by his inability to call Dmitry what he is. It’s not like he didn’t know the truth all along, either. Again, he internally reprimands himself for getting attached. Sanya isn’t to blame here- no, she’s not the one responsible for all of this. Maybe for getting him reported so quickly, but that was always going to happen, one way or another. Better soon than later, the teen thinks. Before he let that not entirely uncomfortable feeling grow more than it already has.

Before he can ponder this any further, his phone buzzes. With one hand, he rubs his eyes, with the other he picks up his phone.

*We need to talk, a message from none other than Mr Kazarin himself. The tone of the message makes him sound like he wants to break up, Yura thinks to himself. Funny. Maybe it is one. Yura runs a hand through his hair, staring at the message. His stalker times are over before they even started, his only hope at making it in this godforsaken world, all because of that.. *thing. Nothing he can say could fix this.  

Luckily, before he can ruin Sergei’s view of him any further, another message. An invitation, if one can call it that, to meet up at an unimportant location. It’s not like he has much choice in this - so, he sends back an *ok, gets dressed in his unitidy clothes and heads out.

—

something something sergei angst

“You know what this is about.” Sergei proclaims. Yura doesn’t need to reply for him to know he’s right, but he still does, accompanied by a dry chuckle. “‘Course I do. It’s about Dimochka.”

“*Don’t call it that.”

The air is thick with tension. Despite this, Yura nonchalantly holds a cigarette out to him. Like nothing’s happened- like this is just a regular training session. With a sigh, he takes the cigarette, and with one quick motion, he takes out his lighter. Yura is fiddling with his own. 

[lilith-projects]

Oh! I also play the Sims 4! Usually I end up playing nonstop for about a week and then not playing anymore until something inspires me to play again. Do you have a long term family that you play? I’m assuming you haven’t played recently, since there was an update that made it so that your Sims will be mean to each other without any input to you. There’s no way to stop this except for giving every Sim the loyal trait. It’s really annoying, but it did result in funny situations sometimes.

I should play Minecraft again soon! It’s been so long. I used to draw as well before The Great Artist Block and I haven’t been able to draw since. It was two years ago and I’ve never been the same /j. Actually, I think the first thing that got me into drawing is Fnaf, so that’s fun. Anyway, I do like to read as well, it’s just… hard to find books that I like. I relate to not having the energy to read sometimes. Also, for the past few weeks I’ve been binging Markiplier videos and it’s been fun!

As for other hobbies, I bowl! It’s actually weirdly enjoyable. I’m not the best at it, but that doesn’t really matter. Sadly, the league I’m a part of stops during the Summer so I’m a little bummed about that. It’s fine though!

Have you ever heard of diamond painting? If you havent, look it up because it’s pretty relaxing. Here’s one I just finished that I plan on being a gift for someone

Anyway, maybe if we put our minds together we can create one whole socially competent person! It’s worth a shot. We got this :)

Hello beloved, do you have any hobbies you like to do? <-their best attempt at starting a conversation

hello fren!!! yee, i like to play the sims 4 a bit too much, minecraft sometimes, drawing, reading (which has been kinda meh for the past few months tho cos i dont have the energy for it and its hard to find smth that gets me interested enough to finish it, sadly), and, well, obvs, listening to podcasts, watching streams and such. wbu? :3

and do not worry, i have no social skills, i have no idea how to start nor how keep a conversation going lol :') we're in this together 🤝

[starlit-xamners]

when your own bad working habits start worrying your oc bluhhh

[planet4546b]

ah hello!! hope u don't mind a few mythosaur thoughts. but also hope u cpuld share some of yours!!

i like to imagine that despite being deadly giant beasts, ancient mandos/taungs domesticated some species of them. coz they could chew rocks and got used in mining beskar among other beast-of-burden work. and thats how they became important enough to ancient mando society that they'd inspire traditional mando imagery like in ur headcanon.

that's all. im currently really lost in the sauce. peace✌

ok i went a little bit ham thinking about this. but sometimes the mythosaur spec evo gets to you and then also you get bored in class and draw all of it out. so

i absolutely love the thought that a bunch of species get domesticated bc hey this things deadly but why the fuck not domesticate if it its helpful and i think theres a bunch of things that they could have been used for!! rlly big ones are big enough to fit whole mando families or clans (i think i remember a lore line about them being the size of small cities?? which seems like a Lot but still theyre large) and carry them and all their belongings around, along w doubling as a free playground for high energy mando kids

[image id: a large mythosaur with a saddle on its back and saddlebags on its side. three mando kids are hanging off the mythosaurs horns and four other mandalorians are on the saddle, which is large enough that there is plenty of space between them, even as one is lying down. end id]

and if theyre able to chew rocks for help with beskar mining, maybe theyre also able to help locate and dig for beskar desposits, similar to how some pigs are used to find and dig up truffles?? i kinda like the idea that those big forward facing horns could be used for digging, and this would further cement the connection between mythosaurs/armor traditions in a neat way i think

[image id: a mythosaur with its head lowered, using one of its forward curving horns to dig in the soil. two mandalorians stand nearby and observe. another mythosaur walks in the far distance, head similarly lowered towards the earth. end id.]

and then theres also the sort of more typical uses of large herbivores (are they herbivores??? i actually havent thought about that) in terms of farming - maybe even instead of using them to drag plows, theyre big enough and heavy enough if you set a herd of mythosaurs loose on a field that youre about to plant, the weight of their steps and their tails dragging churns the soil enough that its ready to plant (iirc this happens w a lot of large animals in plains environments, like bison and wildebeast)

[image id: a mandalorian in a furred cape looks out over a large, empty field. 4 mythosaurs are wandering at random in the field, leaving large footprints and tail dragging marks. end id.]

and then of course they can also just be used for meat/hide/bones (especially important if the bones are used to make armor initially) and can be kept in herds for that purpose. also i really love your shriek hawk posting and if shriek hawks are natural predators of mythosaurs, maybe some mandos would use them like sheepdogs to keep a mythosaur herd together!!!

[image id: a large herd of mythosaurs moves through a valley. a mandalorian stands on a cliff looking down at the herd, with a shriek hawk perched next to them. two other shriek hawks fly over the mythosaur herd. end id]

maybe different clans originally specialized in the domestication of different species of mythosaurs for different purposes?? maybe the historical meaning of the mythosaur symbol is totally different depending on who you ask because of how peoples perceptions are changed by the myths that their own communities have heard over time?? im gonna be honest i know very little about early taung/mando history so i might be totally off base with this but i love thinking about these big guys so thank you!!!

[posusm]

a little thing for @delimeful 's alien Sanders Side Au WIBAR. Go check it out if you havent already. (The speaker's native tounge will be in italics) Chapter Two will be posted soon.

Clownery, hijinks, shenanigans, whatever you wanted to call it, these events were commonplace on the Mindscape. They had increased pretty significantly since the addition of their latest crewmember, a deathworlder who had been abducted from his home planet and forced to survive in a universe to wide to fathom. Or Virgil, if you wanted to be polite. 

This particular misadventure began when Virgil asked if Logan would be able to calculate the date on Earth, which Logan took as a personal challenge. The two of them spent several hours planning and theorizing, Logan speaking in his normal flowery cadence, and Virgil in his slightly stiff common, occasionally replacing a word with an English one if he couldn't think of the right translation.

"Well when I... left, it was winter, so-" Virgil isn't able to finish his sentence before Logan butts back in, hands twitching excitedly. 

"What is winter?" He asks, leaning forward. Virgil blinks a couple of times, trying to think of the right words to describe it. 

"When the sun is far away. It's cold?" Virgil offers hesitantly. Logan nods thoughtfully, seemingly appeased. 

"Yes, we have that too, on my home planet. We call it Abether." Logan says matter-of-factly, Virgil looks interested, and opens his mouth to ask a question, but is cut off by the door slamming open, making him jump to his feet and draw his shoulders up defensively, his mouth curling into a snarl. 

It, of course, is Roman and Patton, both bearing warm plates of food. Virgil catches sight of Roman's vicious glare at his defensive behavior and immediately sinks in guilt. Thankfully for the energy in the room, Patton's eyes were too scrunched up in his own version of a smile to see Virgil's aggressive reaction to his arrival. Logan side-eyes him slightly, which Virgil ignores valiantly. 

"What are y'all up to?" Patton asks cheerfully, setting down the plate of food in front of Virgil. He knows that it's his because it has the most food on it. Virgil can't really find it in himself to feel bad about being allotted the biggest portions, both because of his demanding physiology and the fact that he is severely underweight, even for his naturally lithe figure. 

Virgil eats as quickly as he dares without coming across as predatory, and finds himself, not for the first time, grieving his life before he was taken. He shakes off the dark thoughts threatening to cloud his mind and tunes back into the conversation. 

"-We've been trying to figure out what time of year it is on Virgil's home planet," Logan explains evenly to the others. Virgil nods in confirmation. 

"Why's that?" Patton asks, sitting down to eat and popping a piece of yellow fruit into his mouth. 

"I just want to know," Virgil says quickly. His eagerness to brush off the question draws curious stares from all three of his crewmates, and Virgil curses himself internally. 

"Yeah, right. What's the real reason?" Roman asks accusatorily. Virgil frowns, swallowing the strange meat in his mouth before speaking. He had learned a good few weeks ago not to talk with his mouth full. 

"I just... I want to know what's going on back home." Virgil says hastily, averting his eyes to look at the quickly passing stars outside the window. The others must sense that it's a heavy topic for him because the questioning stops, and Vigril catches Patton elbowing Roman in a weak spot in his natural armor when he thinks Virgil isn't looking. The sight makes a small, closed-lip smile appear on his face. 

They all eat in silence until the computer (or an alien equivalent of it) lets out a shrill beep that has everyone in the room startle in surprise. 

"Ah!" Logan says brightly, setting down his half-eaten food and walking towards the large black monitor. "The results are in!" 

Virgil gets up too, moving silently to Logan's side. He tilts his head curiously, and then straightens it, a bit self-conscious when he sees the curious look Logan shoots him. Virgil clears his throat pointedly to get Logan back on track, making the four-armed alien jump and turn back to the screen. 

"Here we are..." Logan says, staring at a block of text that is completely incomprehensible to Virgil. "Ah, the date is in your language. I guess there wouldn't be an approximate translation. Can you read this?" Logan asks, stepping out of Virgil's line of sight so he can have a better view of the scrawling text. Virgil leans forward, squinting slightly at the only familiar line in the script. 

"It is... December 18th." A shock of emotion runs through Virgil making him go a bit lightheaded. He takes a step back, ignoring the concerned looks of his crewmates. 

"Virgil?" Patton asks softly, brows furrowing. "Is everything okay?" 

Virgil knows the signs of an oncoming panic attack, he just doesn't know why this is making him panic. It shouldn't matter. He usually didnt celebrate his birthday even on Earth, and he's had countless ones pass by in space without even noticing. Why does it matter so much now? 

A small hand is on his elbow all of a sudden, and Virgil's swirling vision returns to him enough to see Patton's worried face. 

"Do you need to leave the room?" Patton asks calmly. Virgil shakes his head no. He's fine. He is. He just needs to go cry it out in his room. 

"No, It's fine. I just... need to go lie down." Virgil grinds out, wincing at his rough voice. Before he can go Logan places a hand on his lower arm. Virgil jumps, but at this point, he supposes he should just be proud of himself for not putting his crewmate in a headlock out of shock. 

"Hold on, before you go," Logan starts, making Virgil tense. "What upset you? I want to know so I can avoid it happening again." Logan says evenly. Virgil could sob with gratitude, but he swallows it down. 

"It's really nothing serious, it's just..." Virgil has to take a second to breathe so his next words don't come out as a sob. "It's my birthday tomorrow."  Despite Virgil's best efforts, the last word comes out cracked, and he quickly turns to hide his embarrassed face. 

He makes it out of the room without having a breakdown and practically runs to his room. He wedges himself into the cupboard he sleeps in, ignores how hard he's shaking, and cries. 

[daaziscoolbesties]

i yearn for one(1) thing only, and that is to have a nice, simplistic, cartoonish artstyle. an artstyle that doesnt rely on anatomy, but the "movement" of the drawing, if you get what i mean.

i dont want realistic proportions and traditional colors and basic poses and gradient shading, i want funky lil dudes in funky poses with funky styles littering my sketchbook :( but alas i havent figured out how to develop that kind of style yet, my brain wants anatomy to look nice but also i dont want to draw eyes. i dont want to take time out of my day to learn how to draw lips i want to draw a line that extends past the characters face. i dont want all my characters to have pointy chins with curved cheeks i want their heads to be round and friend-like or full of sharp edges depending on their personalities and styles. i want to give them all not-quite human ears, blob feet, simple faces, but at the same time i want enough detail to convey the story or emotion im trying to tell.

ive spent so much time recently agonizing over how to use 3d model websites, using real-life references and tracing over them for practice, color-picking from real images to try and do realism and failing miserably, but you know whats easier than that? funky little dudes. little dudes who do not care if their legs are too long or their hair is too bouncy. i dont want my characters to look human.

ive spent enough time on the artfight website to realize that most people who classify their characters as "human" have the most basic ass designs (no offense to people who like basic human designs its just not my thing) or its like dnd-medieval style outfits which i cant draw for the life of me (ive tried). again no offense to people who actively enjoy and draw characters like that. i just need my dudes to have that certain,,, off-ness to them. tails are cool. wings are swag (especially if they arent even like,, fully attached,, ), elf ears are so wonderful to me no matter how much theyre overused, horns are so much fun to draw, and colors!! i have no knowledge in the color theory department so this works great for me!! the only thing i really know is dont shade with black, other than that i just colorpick from references usually but i dont want to do that!! i want the colors to hurt people's eyes but in a satisfying way. like the character's design is so nice to look at that you dont mind your eyes hurting a bit. like how im enjoying writing this post even though its 2 am and the brightness on my computer wont go any lower.

and then another thing ive noticed from being on the artfight website is that a lot of people classify their characters that are anthro/have anthro features under humanoids/monsters. like i made a google form to find some people to attack and someone sent me in a character with some sort of animal (wolf? idk) arms and legs. like dude!! peak character design i love her. but me personally? i cant draw that shit, its so hard for me. i tried a while back and its just Not my thing. nothing against furries i just. cant. and i dont want to either.

and i got another submission that i accidentally deleted that was like full anthro/wolf-like like my comrade,,, i cannot draw animals what makes you think i can draw an animal who acts like a human lmao. i can do like. very basic tails, and also animal ears but i cant do the arms and legs and such i just dont know the anatomy, and i know i was talking about how i dont want to care about anatomy but i feel like for anthros you really do need to know at least basic animal anatomy so you know how the limbs look and shit and i dont have that knowledge and dont feel like gaining it.

and then there were some submissions that i absolutely adored. there was one that like, was vaguely human shaped but definitely was not a human. they had a dark-ish lavender colored skin and horns and tusks and like goat ears and a sorta fluffy tail with spikes on it and they had wings and such and they were such a pleasure to draw i love them. and they had a fairly simple outfit too, nothing too complicated. and then i also enjoy object head characters, theyre so neato to me. i got one of those and i really wish i had the motivation to work on it cause it looks so fun.

i want to make funky characters but id have nothing to do with them because the only book i ever tried writing (key word tried - never got past planning it out) had strictly human characters in it, and most of the books i read are humans/humans with powers in situations specific to them so id have no idea what lore to make with the dudes. assuming i have the motivation to make lore and backstory because honestly i just really enjoy character designing its super duper fun.

(side note a song about trucks doing the deed came on just now and its interrupted my flow, apologies).

i only have three actual characters right now. one is an original roleplay oc whos design is literally athletic shorts, an oversized long sleeved grey sweatshirt, long purple hair, and demon horns. the second one is my persona whos design some sorta medival knight outfit kinda thing? but not ugly it looks really cool (idk one of my friends designed it bc i won some contest from him but the drawing was on a super small scale so idrk the details,,,) with a plague doctor mask and crown, and shoulder length wavy brown hair, dyed bright pink at the end. and then my last one im not too comfortable using other places because theyre a character my friend is using in the story hes writing, and thats really the only place theyve been used. but theyre easily my favorite and im already writing a ton so ill talk about them too.

they're a sorta elf species thing from another planet, with pale green skin and pointed ears. they also have a tail, its like,, super thin, but with a feathery bit at the end. probably not the texture of a feather but i dont know how else to describe it. they have short, curly, almost-draco-malfoy-blonde hair that when it gets too long they can put in a man bun. their eyesight is kinda shitty so when they got to earth, they were exploring some supply closets around the airship. drop off area. thing. like airport but for rocketships and also fancier. yeah. they were exploring that area and found a nice big pair of round glasses with grey frames. and they also found a cowboy-style hat and a sharpie so they wrote their name on the underside of the brim of the hat and stole the hat and glasses (but left the sharpie in the supply closet).

yeah theyre my favorite, my absolute beloved, my child, so cool. i want more characters like them but with maybe a bit more snazzier designs. theyre super cool and all but they could have more pizzazz if they werent in a story where its too late to give them more pizzazz. i just want to be able to give my characters thigh-high boots with a bunch of buckles and fluffy hair with tons of accessories crammed in and abnormally large and long ears that can harbor many piercings and horns that can hold rings on them and special little details on their outfits like who knows what but i dont have any characters to do that too, so i have to make them from scratch, which is always hard especially when you have artblock.

and i also have like 17 characters i need to fully draw, line, and maybe color for artfight before august 1st. so i dont know. i have many things to do and plenty of time to do it but instead i spend my time halfway watching repetitive youtube videos that get boring or sleeping all damn day because i stay up too late doing things like this or i just do nothing at all and its tiring and frustrating but i also feel nothing about it like theres no consequence if i dont do it besides you know. not doing it, not gaining that experience, not making something i enjoy.

so i should do it but i dont for whatever reason, i think its called executive dysfunction but im not sure. this post started out very differently than it ended and i said somewhere up there that i was writing this at 2 am but now its almost 3. this is so many words why couldnt i have put this energy into something productive

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌