#haven't felt this artistically driven in so long

[asteroiide]

i want you now. i want you all over me.

[joffyworld]

A Celebration

I wanted to make this post as a post-October celebration of my experiences here.

You've all been amazing. Each and every one of you. To anyone who ever sees this, consider us friends and kindred spirits. I mean that from the bottom of my heart, Joffy is a friend to all! I understand some fear para-sociality, and rightly so. I know it's a bit of a dirty word, but while I may never know you in real life, while I may always be a stranger on the internet, that does not preclude kindness from our times here. You are all people, as am I, and there is no illusion of the opposite on my end.

I came into this community just a month ago, driven almost purely by an obsession with the TROD au written by the amazing @bamsara. Since then, I have fallen in love with so many AU's, so many fics, so many oneshots, and so many pieces that I never would have found otherwise, from the horrific cannibalistic nightmares of @teruuu and @yellowflowrs, to the cute and joyous wonders of artists like @junoberrii, @the-artist-grimm, @spiderin-space, @zynical-forg , @7-ferrets-in-a-coat, @cconfusedkat, @frecktheheck, @lagomorphics and @lil-vibes to the beautifully shameless smut and humour of @melle-d, the wonderous fantastical realms of artists like @aychama, @aniimoni and @stychu-stych and the incredibly well written and crushing experiences of writers such as @kiko---random-stuff-probably, @olrinarts and @alllgator-blood. It has all been an incredible experience to watch, every single shade and genre of art and creativity, and I wouldn't have it any other way! I never expected to have so much fun, so much joy, and such a range of emotions all at once, yet here we are!

My welcome into this community has been astonishing. The kindness, the warmth, the laughs, the tears, the silliness, the naughtiness, the evil, the good. It's all been such a wonder to behold. That's not even mentioning the activism, the understanding and the fundraising I've seen with my own eyes! You've all bred a community of love here, and each and every one of you should be proud of that.

Every mutual I make, I am reminded that kindness breeds kindness. When I started this blog, my only wish was to indulge my madness until it passed, to see if maybe instead of suppressing my own interests, indulging them could perhaps instead lead to a less anxious conclusion? I had often been consumed with anxiety as I fought to pretend I was "normal" and it's always been a tough thing for me. By God has being here helped.

I have embraced who I am as a person, I have learnt things about communities I knew nothing about. I've grown empathies for groups I once found hard to relate to, I've felt joy and comfort from strangers where the world has oft left me dejected. I've met so many people similar to me, completely different from me, and all that lies in-between.

I have met the most beautiful souls in the world, I've seen works of art that made me marvel them as though they were classics of antiquity. I've engaged in silly debates, I've interacted with people I look up to so deeply, I've seen talents I didn't know exist. Most of all, I have found a community that understands me, from the autistic and disabled to the regularly deranged and beautifully obsessed <3

And all of this has inspired me to write my own content, to indulge my own mind in ways I have long tried to leave behind, and find my own stride among the crowd of similarly inspired people. To say the words of you people have changed me is to lie, because it doesn't even begin to describe it.

To anyone I haven't directly @'d, I apologise. I wish I could plug you all, but my memory is fragile, and I'm on the mobile app. But know, that whoever you are, friend or foe, you are ASTONISHING. And should I wake up and remember your names, I'd gladly add them with your permissions. There's not a single person I've seen that hasn't amazed me in brand new ways each time, and every time I compliment your works I mean it from the bottom of my soul.

And to anyone who reads this, whether they be an artist, writer, creator of any stripe, or simply a friendly face or a lurking presence in the shadows:

Thank You,

Thank You So Much,

Joffy

[louisisalarrie]

I often think about the situation where the boys had their last performance at the XF in December 2015 and the boys were hugging Hel*ne in the changing room and H was looking at L incessantly. It hurts me so much because L looks completely bitter and sad and H looks like he feels guilty in a way. Do you think he did? L once said in an interview that he felt completely gutted after the end because the band was everything to him. How did H feel at that time? I think he knew he had a good chance of becoming a successful solo artist. Do you think they were close during that time or was it a problematic time in their relationship? At the time, L was stuck in bg and a PR relationship and everything kind of fell apart. That must have been very, very painful for him. Do you think H got through it with him or do you think the two of them became estranged during that time? I haven't been in fandom as long as you have and I'm working through a lot of things from that time. Thank you for your opinion on this❤️

hiiiiiiya! there’s a lot to work through, if you need more resources let me know! But thanks for coming to chat! 🧡

Look I think they got through it together. Knowing everything we know about H and L as individuals, and their relationship, I don’t think Harry would’ve just called it quits/took a major step back from louis during that time. It was obviously a very stressful time and very frustrating and heartbreaking and louis loved one direction so damn much, it’s so clear to see it in his eyes and behaviour that he wasn’t okay. I’m sure all the boys supported each other through that time too though - Harry was much more assured to have a solo career that would be at least somewhat successful, whereas the others didn’t really immediately have a fresh and experienced team around them preparing them to go out on their own. I’m sure Niall and Liam were both freaking out a bit too, ya know?

I think H took a bit of the blame and felt very guilty because he had a plan and louis didn’t really. And louis, after years of closeting and being called talentless and every other name under the sun, now had to go out on his own without his partner and best friends, and with a very shitty stunt on his shoulders. If I were him, I would’ve absolutely spiralled. I think they were all as supportive as possible of each other but Harry would’ve felt ridiculously guilty and louis would’ve felt ridiculously alone.

And Harry was being groomed for at least a year at that point by the Azoffs and others to pull him into a solo career - I can imagine they were already laying the groundwork and providing him with steps of a plan and promises to let him come out now that 1d was over. And I’m sure it all looked really tempting for Harry and there may have been talks about having louis come out with him when his solo career was established, and that pushed louis into making his own name and doing his own stuff because he’s very stubborn and driven and didn’t wanna be just the boyfriend to a successful popstar, in the shadows once again.

Anyway you are correct, it was all very messy and yucky and would’ve put a MASSIVE strain on their relationship, but I think Harry would’ve tried to do everything he could for louis and louis would’ve understood and supported Harry even though his own career was very unsure.

[ducktracy]

Have you ever wanted to join the writers room of SpongeBob and the Patrick star show?

THIS IS A TIMELY QUESTION! i was just discussing this with my director a few weeks ago. tldr before i even get to the long part: not necessarily, it's never really been something on my radar and so i don't feel as equipped for it but that could--and i hope it does--change!

LONGER EXPLANATION.. i was in a meeting with my director recently pitching my boards to him, and we got spitballing back and forth and we essentially just started joke pitching an idea for an episode. he was like "yknow that's pretty good, i could get you in touch with our script coordinators if you ever felt you wanted to take it further" and my response was like ahhhhhhh nah i could never write an episode i wouldn't know where to start blah blah blah, and we basically had a talk that amounted to "don't knock it 'til you'll try it" and so it's definitely been more on my mind lately

IT'S AN INTERESTING SITUATION. i'd consider myself a decent writer and i certainly enjoy doing it, most of my free time is spent writing my reviews! likewise, i LOVE breaking down and analyzing dialogue and coming up with random character conversations. talking to the person who typed the entire Hamlet soliloquy in Porky's stutter one time because ?. i think i'm more interested in writing than i think i really am

but something about writing for cartoons has always been very intimidating to me HAHA. i'm not really someone who is sitting on a wealth of episode ideas and dying going like "ahhh man i wish we could see SpongeBob and Patrick doing this", etc--if and when i have those moments it's usually very spontaneous and in the moment! like what i mentioned above when i'm spitfiring in a meeting. i think i get intimidated by the "where the hell do i start" and "how do i organize this" aspects, because i have had ideas for cartoons before and aim to act on some of them! i still haven't forgotten the "Porky and Daffy are competing salesmen" cartoon idea i thought up in 2020 which is also partially responsible for my job in the first place. but it's like a blip, a skip in a record in that i struggle untangling and organizing and really establishing a working structure. i am a VERY detail oriented person and so i think i like working smaller and more intimately, where i can add my own personal flair to something that someone who may be more proficient in establishing a foundation has done.

BUT! maybe i just say all this because i haven't done it yet!! don't know it unless i try! for my purposes as an artist now i enjoy drawing and embellishing pre-existing ideas and suggesting gags and getting into the nitty gritty of the details on a small scale, but i also don't wanna put myself in any boxes and restrain myself from trying, either. i don't talk about them as much on here just because they literally dominate every other aspect of my life (well that and NDAs forbid me from doing so!), but i love SB and Patrick and all the Bikini Bottomites deeply! i'm so lucky to get to document their lives. they really are like real friends to me and i hope i'm lucky enough to find more ways to fraternize with them and learn about them and bring out their tics and habits and traits and how they contrast and support one another. i do that best through drawing right now, but i'm excited for all the ways i'll be able to expand beyond that. and maybe one day that'll include writing!

ALSO KINDA FRAGMENTED I KNOW i just made my closing statements above. i apologize for my pedanticism. but TPSS doesn't have a writer's room to my knowledge because it's board driven! we get to sit in on storyboard pitches (just had a wonderful one this evening) and watch the artists pitch their boards and it's such a wonderful experience. i have thought "i wonder how it would go if i pitched to the network like that" in sitting in these meetings. BUT JUST WANTED TO CLARIFY i know writer's room is an all consuming term and i'm being pedantic. but it's very neat that we get to work on a board driven show to begin with and has made quite a difference and so i just like pointing it out :) i love what we're doing

[arktaisch]

Bring on the mutant clones!

So apparently, the way to get a good, 'proper' wuxia drama these days that isn't yet another Jin Yong or Gu Long adaptation is to make a well-constructed fanfiction-style re-imagination of a JY or GL classic. That way it can be simultaneously fresh and familiar. And if the writing, acting, action sequences, etc. are good, it's so much fun and I love it. These past few years, I really enjoyed watching "Word of Honor" and "Mysterious Lotus Casebook", both of which are clear cases of this. (Note: I haven't read the books for WoH or MLC, so this is based on the dramas only.)

"Word of Honor" is obviously heavily inspired by Jin Yong's "Smiling Proud Wanderer" (Xiao Ao Jiang Hu), except redone as a BL/danmei. It even keeps the various orthodox sects from XAJH (the Five Mountains Sword Schools Alliance! plus the Shaolin, Wudang, Beggars, etc.) as part of the setting, features a hunt for a MacGuffin (key to some ultimate power or other), and is full of that flavor of treachery and scheming for power reminiscent of XAJH. It's been a while since I watched WOH, so I've forgotten most of the details, but I remember getting a strong XAJH vibe from it.

"Mysterious Lotus Casebook", which I just finished watching and loved even more than "Word of Honor", has more of the feel of Gu Long's "Sentimental Swordsman, Ruthless Sword" (Xiaoli Feidao series, book 1). Come on, the protagonists even have the same surname: Lotus Li (Xiangyi/Lianhua) vs Flying Dagger Li (Xunhuan)!

Both of them can pass as scholarly types (though Gu Long's Mr. "Number Three in the Exams" Li more so) and went from a high status position to retiring from the jianghu for ten years. Both are clever, tricky types who live by their wits.

Both of them pushed their female love interests (and deceived them) onto their 'friend' who actually hated/plotted against them. The protagonist comes off better (as in, I don't want to punch him in the face quite as much) in MLC than in "Sentimental Swordsman" --- he doesn't treat her as his property to be traded away. And in theory the female character had more agency in MLC, though I felt let down by the actor here. I think she was supposed to be more driven by guilt (because she broke up with the male lead right before his supposed death) rather than sadly pining after and still in love with him. It would have worked better if she came off as being genuinely in love with the other character, but on screen it feels like she was just worn down and never liked him that much. So as a 'fix-it' to that aspect of "Sentimental Swordsman"… maybe. In theory.

They both get the "enemy is someone you thought you had good relations with" trope (admittedly a common one in wuxia)…

…While their real friend is called "A-Fei" and is a top-notch swordsman. And both A-Fei's are plagued by a professional seductress (who uses drugs and poisons) who clings to/falls in love with them!

They both meet their number one fans. Dagger Li actually marries his in the end, but in MLC that only happens in the eyes of the real life fans (the subtext is definitely there, though I prefer to read it as platonic bromance). The whole thing is funnier in MLC, with Fang Duobing starting out as a naive doofus who claims to everyone he's a disciple of (supposedly dead) Li Xiangyi, including to the man himself and to A-Fei who knows the truth. Then he feels so betrayed when he finds out the truth, and that was all done really well in the show. Another similarity: the girl in "Sentimental Swordsman" has a kick-ass granddad, while Fang Duobing has his mom (another great character), the leader of Tianji Hall (I love a good mechanism specialist).

There's an actual book in-world that lists the top-ranked martial artists! The MLC one seems to be updated regularly, even. That was also a thing in "Sentimental Swordsman", with characters constantly citing the book at each other, and some were completely obsessed. It's kind of a running joke in both.

Solving all the mysteries (and the tomb raiding!) was reminiscent of Chu Liuxiang, another Gu Long protagonist (my childhood favorite). And for non-wuxia influences, Li Lianhua reminded me of Howl from "Howl's Moving Castle" with the lying and slithering out of situations, not to mention the cool-looking mobile home!

So yeah, instead of trying to get a fresh take on adapting a book that's already been adapted like twenty times and offending the purists if you make too many weird changes, file off the serial numbers and take a few steps to the side for a more interesting and coherent re-mix! And set it in a fictional dynasty so you can use fake historical figures and kingdoms to suit your plot without worrying about slandering real people (while I love Jin Yong's use of actual history, even he ended up changing some characters in later revisions because of that) or how much the characters are allowed to affect things on a bigger scale. Plus you can update and improve on the things that were annoying or outdated in the "classics". You're free to change the meaning of the tale to suit yourself without any need to distort the intentions of the original writer.

That's not to say it's impossible to come up with completely new wuxia stories, but building new variations on old stories is worthwhile, too. And beneath any surface similarities, each version has its own story to tell. That said, ninety percent of everything is crap… so besides these two shows I liked, there were a bunch of ones I didn't, whether an adaptation of an old wuxia classic or something newer. (Some of those may improve in later episodes, but I guess I'll never know…)

Long live the mutant clones!

[neverendingnoahreid]

Transcript under cut

I'm going to ask the band to give us a little moment alone.  So that I can play "Simply the Best"-- I'm just kidding, I'm not going to do that. I AM going to do-- I'm going to do it. I'm gonna do it, I'm just not gonna do it yet. 

[Audience member: "TOM WAITS!"]

Yeah, well, you know, careful. Careful what you wish for.

I was thinking about what to play before playing the show. I love it, I love when I'm watching a concert, when an artist tells the band to fuck off for a moment and does this. I don't know how this is going to go because from this side of it it's uh, you're just totally naked and I like to play songs that I haven't played in a long time in this scenario without ever practicing them. And my parents are here at this show. If you see them, please just give them a courteous nod and leave them alone. My parents are brilliant people. They're artists, they're insanely talented, and insanely driven, and insanely supportive and truly I would not be here without them--in a very physical sense but also.... also for a lot of other reasons. My mum made a piece of, a brilliant piece, a glass piece in a hospital in Ontario. She took poems, Canadian poems, and etched them into glass, colored glass, and they lined the halls of this hospital. It's a palliative care hospital so people are you know spending their last, their last portion of their life there. And this is an, I think, just an incredible piece, very contemplative and delicate and beautiful. And when I moved out, I think I was moving to Montreal to go to theatre school, and she gave me one of the pieces that had a small defect in it and it's just super beautiful and it had this poem called "I Think You Are A Whole City," and it's by a guy named Earle Birney, it was written in 1965. And I've had this piece in my house since I was, you know, since that formative moment of moving out and I felt like it was such a beautiful way to explore, as you'll hear in the poem, explore a relationship, and so a couple years ago I wrote a song to it and it hasn't made it's way onto any record yet but I thought I would play it for you tonight.

I think you are a whole city

and yesterday when I first touched you I

started moving through one of your suburbs where all the gardens are fresh with faces of 

you flowering up

some girls are only houses

maybe a strip development

woman you are

miles of boulevards with supple trees unpruned and full of winding honesties

so give me time I want I want to know

all your squares and cloverleafs

I'm steering now by a constellation

winking over this nights rim from some great beachside of you

with highrisers and a spotlit beaux arts

I can hear your beating centre

will I will I make it are there maps of you

I keep circling

imagining parks fountains your stores

back in my single bed I wander

your stranger dreaming

I think you are a whole city

and I am your citizen

Noah sings his unreleased song "I Think You Are A Whole City," lyrics from the poem by Earle Birney, at St. Andrews Hall, Detroit, January 12 2024. Video by toxiehorne

[livingasaghost]

haven't written one of these in a long time but it feels like i should

i'm trying not to be too optimistic because we have a long road ahead of us but i opened up my manuscript last week for the first time in like....a year? it's been quietly sitting on my hard drive while i've worked through a million different crises the last few years and even though i haven't done more than reread it, i felt the Itch. a lot of that comes down to tour starting and feeling inspired by taylor once again (thank god for that woman) but it's something.

i found another indie author on instagram today that kind of gave me that feeling i felt when i found olivie blake (hi olive <3) a few years ago — that sometimes it's okay to just be an indie author and traditional publishing doesn't have to be the be all end all. and like yeah, i'd love to get picked up by traditional publishing and a cool agent, but so much of my fear about editing is That. that i'm not good enough, that i AM good enough and then i have to keep writing after this book is done, that there will be more work in this that just another edit.

i was so driven for most of 2020 and 2021 and then my entire life got ripped apart and remixed and only now two years later do i finally feel like i'm stepping back into myself. i started therapy again and in preparation for that i was reflecting on all the shit that's happened in the last two years and there was a comment i made to myself about how meeting EJ gave me the space to become my own person again post-lockdown and for a long time i thought that meant a New me that wasn't at all like the old me...i thought that i was giving up the old pieces of myself because they no longer fit or they hurt too much or i didn't know how to be who i used to be...but in the last month or so i really feel like i'm returning to the old me (taylor fan, reader, writer, TV binger, artist) while also honoring the new me (climber, cook, emotionally stable lol). i can't explain it but the old light that died in me at the coffeeshop is coming back stronger now.

and now that i'm (hopefully) moving (!!!!!!!) into my own place (AFJHSDK) i think i'm another step closer to that version of myself i've been chasing. which is to say, i'm having grace with myself and remembering all the old things i used to love doing and i feel like very very soon i will be in a safe space where i can finally explore who i'm meant to be. and while i'm terrified of living alone (for the financial reasons obviously) i also have to remember all the benefits of that terrifying prospect. that i'll have the space to be myself. and that peace will lead me to so many wonderful places i don't even know yet.

i'm still not sure when the writing will return to me...in rereading my manuscript i feel like i spend half the time going "NO NOTES!" and the other half going "this is the most cringe, most terrible writing i've ever seen fix all of it please!" it's intimidating and i'm no longer confident in myself like i once was, but now that i feel like i have no deadline and i'm sinking into the idea of a self-published book i'm a little more at peace with it. like i feel like when i do get back to it and start sitting in coffeeshops on the weekends, i will have the space to fully explore this story one more time and put the new pieces of myself inside it.

it's weird because another reason i was so scared of this story is that when i was last editing it i was deep in the trenches of 2021. i intertwined so many people and experiences from that season of my life into the manuscript and it almost feels like i'm just reading about ghosts now. but it's also the ghosts of lockdown and the ghosts of my early twenties and the ghosts of rep tour and the ghosts of all the people i hoped i'd be by now. it's a book about a 21 year old but somehow at 27 this story is more relatable to me than it has ever been before. i am writing my own story that doesn't have a happy ending yet and i think since i don't have the answers it feels like i can't explore that on the page. if i can't offer hope or the promise of a happy ending then does that story deserve to be told? (yes)

i thought i had given up on books and then something changed (as it always does) and i found my way back. i always do. and i always find my way back to writing too. it's just so hard to see life as a string of seasons and cycles when it feels like every second is the start and the end. there is space to grow and change and come back and return and revisit and leave things behind. there is enough time. and sometimes your time is best spent falling back in love with your life. i've spent the past few weekends feeling a little useless - sitting around, resting, not doing much of anything - and even though i can't keep doing that forever, i has forced me to get back in touch with what i want and who i am. sitting in my room with all my books and my cameras and my cool decor centers me, it gives me a reason to keep on living.

i truly don't know where i'm going this year. i have some ideas, some hopes and dreams, but i have resigned myself to "fixing" my every day. to focus on where i am, to make my day to day better and spend less time traveling. and while that would've scared me a few years ago before a global pandemic, i think now it's like a promise to myself. a promise that i am worth investing in and that i can get better and that even if i don't get better, right now is good enough. i had so many dreams for this time of my life that didn't come true and for a while i grieving them pretty hard. and then i set myself free from those dreams and i thought i'd never see them again...but that's not true at all is it? the things that love us, the things that we love never truly leave us after all, they always come back.

also i finally had a vision for the WIP book cover and even though it might change if i ever hit that point...it gave me a little push that sounded like "keep going" <3

[ladyofsnark]

Hi I saw a while ago that u said that u were asexual so I was hoping u could help me out a little. I used to be into guys like I was attracted to them and the idea of sex and whatever appealed to me. However recently not only have I realized that I really don't want to have sex but also i haven't been physically attracted to someone in a very long time. Even ppl that I see that I'm like they are good looking, I don't ever feel attracted to them. (1)

Hey. I’m only going to reply to this part because the other part isn’t anonymous and I’m erring on the side of caution.

There’s nothing wrong with you. I want to get that out there, because there’s that thread of worry in your notes. Like you think you’re less than normal or something. But we live in a world that uses sex to sell everything from music to baby clothes. You’re not the one with the problem.

Asexual/aromantic people sit on something of a spectrum. Some of them are absolutely celibate, some enjoy having partners occasionally for intimacy’s sake, some masturbate, others have never felt the need, etc. etc.

Asexual and sexually-active people alike can feel what’s called sex-repulsed or sex-aversion. Sex and facets of it just makes them squeamish.

I’m like you. Kissing totally grosses me out. I found this out with my first boyfriend and he sort of helped me cement my very first realizations (those I had when I was in fourth grade) that I was asexual. Sorry, bro.

But also like you, I can look at men and women alike and think “wow, that person is absolutely gorgeous”. This isn’t a thought that’s driven by a sexual desire or even a physical attraction. My eyes are just telling my brain “see pretty thing, thing is pretty, thing is person, person is pretty”.

This is simply called “aesthetic attraction” and I was calling it my artist’s eye long before I knew the words.

I used to really, really enjoy flirting. I liked checking out guys and doing the smile look away, look back thing until they were a clumsy mess. I had a lot of fun with it.

And then I completely and utterly, totally lost interest. I don’t know if maturity just hits that fast or what, but I could swear a lot of this was written by me to me.

“Am I asexual? What’s happening to me?? I used to be rlly into the opposite sex and now I just don’t care”

Only you can answer that first bit. Not wanting to jump immediately into the most physical bits of a relationship could just be a sign of maturity as far as I’m concerned.

But I want you to know that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you either way.