#have you seen that post where its a quote like 'if my friends dont invite me to their parties its fine but if they dont tell me their woes'

[googsvents]

I have a hard time convincing myself people care about me and don't just secretly hate me (which i know is a me problem and not on other people) but man is it made worse by certain people

[leniinero]

November 4th 2021 4:49am

Throwback posts//

December 1st 2020

There have been times in my life especially lately where I've needed someone to talk to because I feel so down and lonely and have reached out and those very people either straight up said "no, not here for all of that" or "i try to keep positive so I'd rather not listen to sad stuff" or "not this again!....just cheer up! Think happy thoughts!"

Okay. Great. That's so easy. 😒

Um okay. So next time people wonder why I'm so quiet and keep to myself. This is why.

I dont want to bother anyone.

No one looks out for Lenii. Am I supposed to have this figured out by 31? Like is that there blueprint?

I scream but nobody listens.

Clinical depression is real and it brings a mess of friends. There's a block party in our heads that we weren't invited to.

The demons ain't the only ones up at night.

January 14, 2020

People dont understand how severe depression can be and how it affects everyone differently.

People really think you just dont care about the way you look, how clean your area, your schooling, your health is etc. You do care, you always care, you're just sucked so deep in your head that doing anything else seems impossible. You cant get over depression or even work on it when people around you, those that claim to love/care for you, give you shit. And say "it's a phase"; "get over it, pull yourself out of it!" Dont you think if it were that easy mental illness would be a thing? Ever?

It's like those 80s movies or that episode of Supernatural where you're running from the monster you cant see....or hear but you know it's there because you sense it. It's there! So you run into your room, block the doors and windows, sit on your bed. And try to breathe, you think you're safe so you start to calm down so you can focus on what to do next. How to stay alive.

And right when all starts to seem well, the monster you thought you left on the other side of the door.....grabs you by the ankles and starts to pull you under the bed. You cry, you scream, you knock shit over. And all that left is a mess. A mess and your nail Marks on the floor.

We do know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, we just don't think we deserve to see it.

Instead of at least trying to understand or be there for this person or even just listening; you're judging and assuming.

Hey, how about you just ask? Or even a "hang in there buddy!" Would do just fine.

I'm over it. ✌

October 17, 2020

#TMI

I dont just think people don't understand the severity of depression. If you couple it with anxiety, its even worse. I've had a clear plan in my head since my mom died in 2014, a plan of what I've wanted to do with my life. I've seen a post of about how they take months to do something that would only take 30 minutes because that's what depression does to you. Its more than a quick moment of sadness or uncertainty;its more than a funk. Its a serious thing that a lof of people just brush off when someone else has it. I think that's why "Glass House" is such an important song to me. Because its therapeutic even if it is sad. Because even if it increases the pain, it makes me feel understood. Even if it is by complete strangers like Kells & Naomi.

I spent all of my 20s in waste. I moved to another state to start over..Im almost 31 and I've done little to nothing to make these plans happen.

And what's worse is that people keep reminding me of how much of a fuck up I am. So when I over post about stuff that makes me happy, that's just me, trying to make myself happy. I dont mean to be annoying.

Ive tried to reach out to people that I thought cared about me, people I've known forever as a last ditch effort. But nothing. They've literally told me no. Don't wanna hear it. Id rather not listen to you talk about sad things..etc. This is why I just keep things to myself. (With the exception of this post)

So, lets talk about you....show me a picture or lyric or quote or link that helps you get through hard times.

I'm gonna have to do a separate post on these songs.

[bi-dazai]

a summary of the whole contrapoints thing from someone who has been spending most of her time on twitter and seen it first-hand throughout

(im using screenshots, some ive downloaded from trusted twitter mutuals and some ive made myself. since i have the shinigami eyes extension and many of my twitter mutuals dont, some scs will be inconsistent. i have checked each downloaded sced tweet to make sure theyre real.)

please dont try to start an argument on this post, im just summarising whats happened. ive already argued myself out over on my twitter and whatever point youre trying to make has literally already been said 20 times before.

Basically in late august/september natalie said some inflammatory shit about pronouns and nbs and “binary transes” which she’d said stuff along the lines of in the past. both nb and binary trans folks have criticised her lightly for this kind of attitude in the past as well. she has a pattern of behaviour (including being very...lenient towards terfs) but the stuff she was saying and the bad takes were tolerable, if incorrect and a little ignorant. what she said this time was basically “asking for pronouns in trans spaces is good i guess but it hurts passing/semi-passing transes like me” which is a take that makes no goddamn sense and is extremely ignorant towards both nb folks and trans folks who do not have the luxury of even trying to pass. she exaggerates the actual effect it has on her as well. basically the entire tweet reads really badly (the discussion was about asking for pronouns in trans spaces):

peter coffin made some batshit crazy takes (as usual) including inventing the term “enby cultural capital” which he refused to actually evaluate on past asking people to read a book (if you cant clarify your point on your own then you have an issue). he started tweeting like a madman and making it painfully clear how hard he will go to bats for natalie despite him being nb himself (many people joked/suspected  that its because he wants to fuck her, same with philosophytube, and honestly looking at how they see her that isnt hard to believe).

natalie went off twitter for a while, eventually leaving an apology that was actually alright and made me and several others believe she would return a little more understanding of trans intra-community issues, especially in terms of class because she has always had an issue with ignorance from that angle. she said she had a friend called gwen taking over (nobody knows who this is nor had they ever heard of this friend, leaving some people suspicious that she may have made her up. im not going to confirm or deny this because i have no clue.)

idk what peter coffin was up to because at this point i and most ppl had officially stopped listening to him but i believe he was angrily tweeting about cancel culture. a lot of people were as well, even though the bulk of the criticisms of natalie had been written and expressed in a mature, appropriate way. some of my twitter mutuals who had been involved in discussing natalie’s past trends with these issues as well as her lack of class consciousness and (probably) accidental antisemitism began to get messages from what was very clearly alt-right trolls trying to doxx natalie. it was real information, which is extremely concerning, but no person published it and her criticisers that got those dms were vocal about not bullying or doxxing natalie. natalie wasn’t pushed away because of “cancel culture”, and “cancel culture” really isnt a real thing and many contra fans believed this too until she came under criticism, which highlights a pretty weird mentality but whatever.

anyway, she came back this week with a new video titled “opulence” which i dont care for watching so i just read about it from my twitter mutuals who did. since i didnt watch it ill only summarise its criticisms very basically. 

to put it simply the main criticisms of the video were that she conflated trans aesthetic with literal opulence and class again, which people weren’t a fan of. she talked about her experience over the last few weeks, spinning it her way because how else would she spin it, thats to be expected. it was mostly just the usual contra, flawed takes and a bit of class ignorance...except for one blaring massive issue which is absolutely undeniable proof for where she’s heading with her politics and her content.

on that video, natalie invited infamous transmed, the guy who outed lana wachowski for money, buck angel, to collab with her. this guy is infamous in the trans community for being a cis bootlicking bigot. he makes kalvin garrah look like a lovely guy. he’s been around for a very long time and he’s very famous for being a massive asshole. heres just a taste of the kind of attitude he carries:

contra has previously spoken up about why you shouldn’t platform bigots. so her platforming a bigot has some very very obvious implications.

needless to say, people were and are pretty mad and very disappointed. a large majority of her fans have been against this.

 when oliver (philosophytube) promoted the video on his twitter many replies to his quote tweet were his fans begging him to be even mildly critical of contra. 

on contra’s subreddit (for clarification, natalie isnt a mod there and im not sure about how involved she is on the sub) there was even a thread created in which MANY of her fans on there expressed criticism of contra’s views. the mods then locked the post, deleted comments, and banned the use of the word “truscum” because it was offensive i guess? it was a move very close to “terf is a slur” territory

furthermore, some pretty infamous transphobes have been in support of her and buck angel in the past, including ian miles cheong which is...wow. some of these are scs from a twitter mutual, but the ones with red names are from me - i have the shinigami eyes extension, so basically any person with a red name is a known transphobe (im surprised buck isnt marked yet lol).

finally, ill put some threads here that give a pretty good analysis and view of the situation imo

[artificialenvy]

CALLOUT POST

@currynahh / @currynya is a shitty person.

I am making this post because I refuse to let them throw around accusations that I'm a predator.

Reasons I believe they are shitty:

I have ADHD, but I'll try not to derail any points.

After not seeing my spouse since Highschool, they invited them to a discord server. I was brought along and given a "+1" role, as in "This person isn't one of us, just @twiranux 's +1. I wouldn't have had a problem with that if it didn't create and "In group" and "out group" where the people in the ingroup treated the +1 role as "not a friend, just a +1."

They have a room for venting in that server, as a lot of people do. I have seen people typing in there on three occasions and decided not to interrupt them for my own needs, however the time I got to start typing in there and posted a couple of messages to indicate I would be typing, someone else came in and made it about them. I doubt they meant harm by that, but I went to @currynahh and explained it hurt to be silenced like that. I wasn't looking for an apology, I was looking for a solution so other people don't get hurt. My proposed suggestion was a second vent room for if there were 2 people needing it at once on that large a server, it would be helpful, or atleast a rule about interrupting vulnerable people. They dismissed this saying "two rooms wouldn't help because what if there were THREE people" which, if there were three people at the same time one would still have to wait, but the line would be split in half and people would be able to use it if it was an emergency and the first space was already taken without interrupting.

When they dismissed this idea, I said (and I dont have the exact quote as I left the channel, something @currynahh is very particular about is exact phrasing.) "If there's no rule against interrupting I guess next time I'm in need to type and someone is already using the safe space, I'll just be That Dickhead[TM] and interrupt? Can't wait." to which they threatened me with a ban, assuming I meant I was going to actively hurt people instead of just pointing out that there being no rule meant ANYONE could be That Dickhead[TM]

I also pointed out the inconsistency of threatening me with a ban for saying I'd do what the other user actually did and cut someone off. (they never spoke to the person who interrupted me about the event, to my knowledge, and I never spoke to them or saw their name) so I referred to them as "the fucker who interrupted me." Not in a mean way, just.. Here people can be called fuckers, like calling kids brats. I apologized once they said they found that rude, but they kept bringing it up saying I was name calling.

This is Hearsay, but apparently they said the person probably interrupted me because of ADHD, they seem a bit too comfortable deciding what is a factor of someone's else disabilities without consulting them.

Them dismissing my problems and threatening me with a ban instead of trying to fix their server made me actually go to name calling, and I still feel it's fair to call them a heartless cunt. Heartless for pretending to care when really they just wanted to defend someone in the in-group, Cunt cause it's a great word and it fits. I know the word Cunt is seen more harshly in some places, again, so much here. They really take offense to regional and class based dialects. They went to a private school and were calling me mean for just calling a dude I had no name for as "a fucker" when to me, someone who's poor and went to public school in a shitty town in Ontario, it's the norm here.

Since they showed they really didn't care I told them they were fake and left their channel, my spouse chose to follow me which I didnt know about at the time.

They DMed my spouse with another person who hasn't spoken to my spouse or I in 6 years to call me toxic, abusive and a predator. My spouse said they wouldn't have that conversation without me, as its childish and unproductive to just talk behind peoples backs. When @currynahh kicked me out of the group chat, refusing to talk like adults, my spouse asked me to log into their account to participate since they didn't want to be cornered by these two people to talk shit about someone they care about.

They call me toxic and abusive because I vaguely know the passwords to @twiranux 's accounts, despite never logging in unless asked to (for example a daily event in a videogame that they won't be able to make in time but wants the rewards.) and because on one occasion while I was napping, my spouse forgot an agreement we made about watching a specific movie together and I was upset about that, as I'm sure most people would be if their partner agreed to not watch something without them. I tried to keep my cool and just stay out of the way of their enjoyment, but my spouse wanted me to join in atleast for the end so I did, still grumpy but trying to make the best of it. If they had waited an hour or chose a different movie, things would've been different but @currynahh doesn't want "excuses."

They call me a predator because the person I'm married to is 2 years younger than me. @twiranux and I have been together almost 9 years now, we started Long Distance Online Dating just playing minecraft, listening to owl city (our song's Honey and The Bee 🐝,) and making Garry's Mod youtube videos. We would've been about 13 and 15 at the time, though it is worth noting that our birthdays were less than a month away from when we started dating so 14 and 16 if you want to make that distinction, I was in class with people the same age as my spouse. They think the age is gross, but we were two neurodivergent kids who were extremely sheltered at the time (helicopter parents/physical disabilities) who could only have freedom online. We had met through liking the same movies and youtubers and knew eachother a year before, while I was asking for advice on asking someone else out, my now spouse confessed attraction to me and I suggested we try "dating" for a bit, which consisted of nothing new except drawing cute pictures and giving eachother nicknames. I dont know if I knew their age at the time, but I did think they were a boy which didn't change anything, just hopefully shows I wasn't some 30 year old neckbeard hunting for kids on the net, I was just a disabled kid who was caught off guard by a confession of attraction and rolled with it.

@currynahh says they have proof that we weren't innocent in highschool, as (they claim) we asked them to write nsfw fanfic about us, which.. we didn't? My spouse has no idea where thats coming from and neither do I so just a blatant lie. Not that it's anyone's business but my spouse and I didnt meet in person for about 4 years and anything physical took place after we were both legal adults, im not comfortable going into more detail.

After my spouse had me log onto their account to show they weren't going to be cornered by those two, I was allowed back into the group chat to try and figure out why they think im problematic, but @currynahh insists im just making excuses when I've just been saying exactly what im saying here. They say I'm sugarcoating it, I disagree. I dont have the exact words I said about everything, but admitting to calling her a Heartless Cunt isn't something I'd do if i were sugarcoating it as she suggests. This is how it played out they keep trying to shove me into this "abuser" box they framed me in without knowing me.

They would repeatedly spew paragraphs of "points" then block me and leave the group chat while I was typing up a response. They don't want excuses (read: explanations) and they don't care about facts (that they misunderstood certain things and was willing to clear up what I meant if they weren't so caught up on semantics.)

I will not go into my partners mental illnesses on this platform, but they have a psychiatrist who I've met and I have to (sometimes in a way that looks controlling to someone who doesn't know the problems) keep my spouse grounded. The Psychiatrist thought I was doing a great job at managing it, but @currynahh disagrees, saying I'm enabling (without even letting us tell them what the problem is or how im helping.)

Which brings us to the next point; they say I can't talk about the mental health of myself or my spouse because it will trigger them, meaning they block any attempt we make at explaining how it works. They treat us as a neurotypical couple and call it abusive when I'm literally just doing what's deemed best by a psychiatrist for my spouse.

For DARING to tell her to stop calling me a predator, she calls me a narcissist, which is just.. Very cool. Love me some armchair diagnosis. They also diagnosed me with anger issues (from one call in which I was grumpy and then me trying to defend myself from these accusations.) So really, I think docs are being paid too much 'cause @currynahh is doing their job for free.

Because they weren't listening to my spouse, my spouse decided to stop typing, especially since she was just going on long rants then leaving the server before we could reply. Whenever @twiranux gets a chance to speak, @currynahh would leave the server claiming it triggers their anxiety to face the consequences of what they said. Then they would tell me to quit speaking over @twiranux when I was just speaking on our behalf, while in a call with @twiranux due to these reasons.

Instead of keeping their nose out of our relationship like we were asking, they kept trying to tell my spouse (who chose to marry me and lives in another country) that im abusive because they think trusting eachother is a sign of abuse.

Instead of listening that we're fine, they throw a tantrum and tell us to go to marriage counseling (which, although I wouldn't be opposed to going, is very telling that they think people can just do things that require money on a whim.)

They say that "instead of saving up to move in together and have kids you should put money towards marriage counseling" which again, what savings do they think I have? My bank account has -$4.00 in it and my spouse can't work right now. We have nothing.

They keep bringing up kids and how would we raise them? Would they not have privacy? Its a stupid point they threw out there as currently there aren't plans to have kids and there's huuuge difference between a married couple knowing eachothers passwords and not letting your kids have privacy.

They keep bringing up the fact that we've lost friends before without knowing why. So if they want to private message me I'd be happy to tell her about how we left our last friend group after a dispute where the other people were claiming the N word was inoffensive. Or the group that actually was trying to get into my spouses pants and we weren't comfortable there. You keep making accusations then refusing to listen to facts.

Idk if I'm missing anything, if they unblock me and see this they will probably say I'm staw-manning again without actually telling me how and while having no counter arguments. They also don't accept my adhd for accidentally derailing, while using theirs to deflect any criticism.

Karina, you don't know us and you say even talking about our mental health will trigger you, so you need to accept that you're unwilling or unable to understand the dynamics of our relationship but just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's toxic. I wouldn't have made this post if you didn't keep calling me a predator, but I need to clear that accusation publicly before you keep throwing around dangerous labels.

Grow up. Get some help. Learn that your POV isn't the only one.

[harrythekingofcamp]

#LateLateStyles with (Y/N)

Hey, so I made this one shot ages ago because of #LateLateStyles which I published on Wattpad. Decided to post it here as well. xx enjoy (If anyone's reading it nway)

PS: Please bear with me on my grammar bc english isn’t my first language

1

You and Harry were known to be great friends when he started his music career and you on acting and there was always a rumor that you and him were dating because you were always seen with him.

Whether its late night in the club, a lunch at the finest dining restaurant or even each others date on a award show or premiere night. But you both don't confirm it and dont talk about it making it a bit awkward for both of you especially when paps straight up ask you about it.

You always had this thing for Harry and you were always inconsistent that he has feelings for you too, since you always see him with some model or rumored to be dating with other girls. (Kendall Jenner was out of the rumors since you knew she was with somebody else and they were just great friends since you and her were also friends)

You were aware that Harry was on the Late Late Night with James Corden all week as he told you when you were talking in the phone. (You didn't have time to catch up personally since he's been having shows for his debut album and you were busy on a new movie) and surprisingly, he and James Corden (Who was also a really good friend of yours back from Harry's hometown, Cheshire) invited you over the show as a guest. As usual, both of you and Harry's fans have been dying to see the premiere of the show since they released the teaser.

And now, you were in the studio. 5 minutes before the show starts and you were with your assistant who has been gushing and teasing you about Harry for almost an hour.

The first segment of the show is you and Harry in the monologue that was usually done with James.

"Okay (Y/N), Get ready for your queue with Harry." The organizer calls out on you and you give him a thumbs up and went behind the curtain where you meet the suit claded man who was already smirking at you.

"You look sexy-- ow!"

"Stop Harold. Be professional for once- but thank you," you stuck your tongue at him after slightly slapping him in the shoulder.

"All the way from Cheshire and Wolverhampton England.. Give it up for your hosts, Harry Styles and (Y/N) (Y/L/N)!" A loud applaud was heard and you put on my greatest smile and I saw him smile, a cheeky one.

The curtain opened and you walked with a little bit of dance with Harry making you giggle with him as he continues to dance.

The music stopped and the audience calmed a bit and Harry started his queue.

"Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen and Welcome to the Late Late Show! We have a good one for you tonight, I'm joined with my good ol' friend, the ever so beautiful, (Y/N) (Y/L/N)!" He looked at me with a smile and you poked him in the cheek and laughed a little which made the audience cheered again.

"I know! We look good together but calm down." Harry jokes making the audience laugh a little and calmed a bit after.

"A little more! A little more!" He ushers the audience making you playfully glare at him your hands in your waist.

"What?" He mouths jokingly at me and you shake your head at him, waiting the audience to finish the cheer.

"Calm down people!" You joke and eventually the audience calmed down and you started your queue.

"Today we'll be doing what we usually do, we'll talk about the news!" you air quoted the usually part and laughed a bit.

--

The monologue finished afterwards and you, Harry and James were getting ready for the next one, the talk.

The director made the queue pointing out 3 fingers one by one and James spoke afterwards.

"Welcome back to the Late Late Show, we're joined again with Mr. Harry Styles and the iconic Ms. (Y/N) (Y/L/N)!" you smile at the audience and waved a little.

James started to ask questions about Harry which you made a few comments now and then. After a while, it was your part of the questions.

"So (Y/N), I heard you accepted a new project, a movie to be exact." James tells you holding his cards.

"Yeah, It was last week when I heard of the project and the plot is amazing, I know everybody was going to love it. I can't say anything about it yet but yeah, we started shooting a couple days ago at New York." you gleefuly answered, it was nice being back at the big screen again as you can say so yourself

"Well you heard her folks, she's shooting at New York go and barge her there" James jokes making the audience laugh at him, "And I also heard you invited Mr. Styles over here to the set of the movie aswell,"

The screen showed some pics of me and Harry. Me on getting ready to act one of my first scene and him at the back of the set watching me holding my phone.

"And Mr. Styles here also posted on instagram a picture of you goofing around the set.." The screen shows a screenshot of Harry's post in Instagram of me candidly took when you were goofing around the directors camera.

"Hey! I told you to delete that picture" I cringe at him and he just raises his arms in defense laughing afterwards.

"Well as we're on the subject about you and Styles here." James pauses for a minute because the audience cheered especially the fangirls, "After 3 long years, you were always both seen with each other and even I myself is confused of what is your status together--" the audience cheered again

James was about to speak when one of the fangirls screamed "They're my parents, mate!!" Which you guys bursts into laughter.

Your cheeks blushed a little while Harold smirks after answering, "What's our status you say? I guess the whole world just gonna have to find out for themselves" He jokes and winks after.

"Yeah, we're never gonna tell you and you- yes you watching there, I'm not telling you one bit." you point at the camera which made the audience laugh. You and Harry did a high five after.

James changes the topic and goes on to Harry's Album

"So (Y/N), Styles mentioned on a Radio Show that you were one of the first people to hear Harry's Album with her mother Anne, stepfather Robin, and her sister Gemma-- Which one is your favorite?" He asks you teasingly knowing that he knew and obviously the whole world knows that Harry wrote a song about you and it was Only Angel.

"Oh cut the farts--" you start to defend yourself but Harry stiffles a giggle

"Farts? Really (Y/N)?" He teases you which you roll my eyes at him and he pretended to wince holding his heart dramatically.

"Well what's your favorite then?" James asks me again.

"Fine! Only Angel!" you give up and the audience laughed and cheered.

"So since that song is your favorite you say, I have these queue cards that has the lyrics on it-"

"Oh God." you say as you and Harry both blush and face palm.

"Broke a finger knocking on your bedroom door." He reads the lyrics out loud.

"I honestly don't know-" You reasoned but he cuts you off.

"You cant fool me (Y/N)," The audience laughs, "Harry, do the honors"

"Well, I think it's because we shared a house before my music and her acting career."

He nods, "Sure it's not something else?" He adds teasingly.

You just looked at each other and laughed.

"Couldn't take you home to Mother in a skirt that short but I think that's what I like about it." He reads again making you slap Harold in the arm playfully.

"Well.." Harry explains with a little smirk in the end making you glare at him, "I took her to Cheshire one time and it was summer so.. she kept insisting on wearing a skirt because it was  summer and all and it was hot and yeah I joked at her that I couldn't take her home to my mum with that skirt because trust me, its really short." He tells and widened his eyes and shooked his head several times. Making James and the audience laugh at his reaction and making you blush slightly.

"I'm never gonna wear a skirt again without thinking of those lyrics" You say with a groan making the audience laugh.

"And lastly.. My favorite lyrics of Only Angel" He laughs after, knowing you and Harry knows whats the next lyrics.

"When it turns out she's a devil in between the sheets" He sings this part making you slap Harry again and again.

He just laughs at you and pleads for you to stop, "Why do you have to put that in your song?" you whine hiding the fact that you're blushing intensively.

"Well-- It is true!" He says which made James burst into laughter and also the audience at the innuendo.

"Explain then Harold" He says to him playfully throwing the cards away.

"Okay okay-- so when me and (Y/N) go to clubs, we were always very drunk to drive and go home so it was a routine that we go to one of the nearest hotels and sleep- WE HAVE DIFFERENT ROOMS EVERYONE-" He cuts himself and tells them that to stop the audience from assuming, which made the people laugh and you nod your head agreeing with a giggle, "And at the time (Y/N) was dating someone" he air quotes someone knowing it was the fling you had with Dave Franco (Yes, a little bit old for me) "And I was sobering myself up before going to sleep when I heard squeals and bangs on the other side of the wall and so I assume-"

"HE THOUGHT WRONG OKAY?" You defend yourself making you sip on some coffee that was on the table.

"Yeah and I made a joke about it the day after." He says making you glare at him.

"WE WERE NOT DOING WHAT YOU GUYS THINK WERE DOING. WE'RE JUST FOOLING AROUND-WE'RE DRUNK!" you say again defensively.

"Don't be defensive (Y/N)- youre making yourself obvious" Harry tells you loudly. But again, you roll your eyes at him.

"And obviously for the title, Only Angel it was quite obvious." James lastly tells both of you.

"(Y/F/N), my only one Victoria's Secret Angel" He blurts out with a cheeky smile. Referencing the time that you joined the Victoria's Secret fashion show last year.

You blush again and laugh trying to hide that red of a face of yours.

"Okay and that was Ms. (Y/N) (Y/L/N) and Mr. Styles ladies and gentleman-" James continues on his outro for the episode while you and Harry smile at the audience.

[movethetree]

victory.

what a difference one week can have on your heart. 

what a difference God can do when you least expect him to. 

i guess this post all started about a week and a half ago. I watched a movie called war room. It is about prayer and just how incredible it can be. It was challenging but also a huge reminder of just how real God is, and how much of a fight there is between the spiritual. I dont want to reflect on that too much. But there were definitely things in my own life that were being constantly thrown at me by the devil. The truth is, the devil wants to deceive, to divide and to bring defeat. 

After I watched that movie, I started to pray for the bigger things, and then did what was kind of taught in the movie. “you have to plead with God, and then get out of the way and let him do it.” 

Then Friday night came along. I had been invited out to a fire with friends, and decided that I would go. I got there, and this was the place where my ex and I started hanging out and getting to know each other,so its always hard going back there and being reminded of the things that fell apart right there on the driveway. It also doesn’t always help when the ex is there, but don’t worry this post isn’t about him. 

I walked up to the group and sure enough he was there, we said hi and continued on with our nights. I went inside the house to use the washroom, and when I stepped into the house, there were no reminders of my ex, and it was a weird but really good feeling, I walked into the bathroom and as I washed my hands, like some many times before, I looked at myself in the mirror. And instead of seeing defeat, I saw who I was, and who I’ve become. I saw a strong woman of faith. Something shifted in the spiritual realms. It was as if the house and all those memories it held, no longer had a hold on who I am. It was like there was this victory and answer to prayer that was unraveling. I called a friend and left her a message. (A year and a half ago, I walked out of the same space calling her in tears. Telling her the news, just seemed right.)

As I walked back to the fire, I thought about how cool it would be to see the northern lights. 

I sat down at the fire, and something else started to happen. Over the course of the break-up, (its not my greatest moments), its not like I needed to be acknowledged or sought out, but after you date some one for 7 months, its kind of hard to walk into a room and not expect a hi. And I never really seemed to get that from my ex. It almost felt like I just didn’t exist in his life at all, like I had become the worst part of his story, and I believed it because of the way that he treated me. But for the first time, he started up a conversation with me, it was simple, but it brought some much healing and so much closure for myself. And when the simple conversation was over, I didn’t have anything else to say to him. It was as if all those feelings I’d held onto for so long, just disappeared. I sat in thought, and just then my friend texted me to go and check out the NORTHERN LIGHTS! 

I got up, and walked to the edge of the yard and took a look out into the field. I saw the arch of the northern lights to the north west and a cloud over to the east. It then began to rain. 

I walked back to the fire and took a seat. The rain let up so my friend wanted to check them out. As we walked out there, I started to tell her the things that were happening. And she just smiled. The cloud was now gone, and the lights of the north were dancing. I had never seen them like that before! My friend went back to get the others, and i stayed there. Just stood in awe, and they lights just took off. Dancing west to east and then back again. Colours of pink, purple, green, and white. It was also as God was letting me into how much celebrating was going on in heaven. Things were shifting and it was the greatest moment. Almost like Jesus coming to the woman at the well. He met with me that night. As the group came back, the lights went dimmer and continued to move, but nothing like they were minutes earlier. This is for you em. I love you. 

The night continued on, and i started talking with one of my guy friends. And as the conversation usually goes, he asked if there was anyone on the horizon. And not going to lie, this question cuts deep a little bit. Because sometimes it feels like the only way to be recognized in the friend group, is if I have a boy on my arm. But that night, I was honest and was like, No, there ins’t. And so we started talking about it. But i got to be honest with him and I just told him, i know what i am looking for. And we just discussed it and he pointed out some of the things he knew I was looking for. And when i drove home, i thought about the conversation, and just as much as my one friend knows what I am looking for, how much more does God know? And how much more can I trust him with finding the right guy. 

It was almost as if all these arrows the devil kept pointing at me, all just broke off that night. And it happened in a moment when I didn’t expect it. The night before, I was just upset and so tired of feeling the way I was feeling, and I started to prepare myself with the reality that things will probably never change. And this is what it is. These will always be my struggles. Then God just breaks through. And I am once again reminded of who he is. Of his promises and the fact that he is a God that does, not one that does not. He is God over my heart and he is faithful. 

I like who I have become this past while. God has brought me through, like he said he would. Nothing is impossible with him. God has brought me through, and I see who I am now, and He is creating me and preparing me for something more. Growing and pruning is tough, but sometimes its needed to see the most beautiful growth yet. 

Like the quote “ be like a flower and face the sun.” 

Or be like children of God and face the son.