#have spent all day all all day procrastinating and making myself sad

[lactosefreevanillayoghurt]

blah blah blah sleepy slug saturday 🐌💤🐛💤🪱💤 etc etc

[garf-lover96]

Last Straw

okay now.. i really stepped out of my comfort zone for this one. because i don't usually write stuff that makes me sad😔 but i've wanted to write a plague fic for a while now because i had a nice idea for it!! but i kept procrastinating on it because i was worried about whether i'd execute my vision exactly how i want to. i think it came out nice though, i'm particularly proud of a few parts here. DO NOT get used to me writing pure angst though, i had no idea it would actually be so taxing omg

this one counts 1,4k words. as always when posting my original ideas i am shaking in my boots and any comments and thoughts are appreciated...... especially since this is my first time writing something like this.. thank you in advance ❤️

———

The lock clicks softly as I turn the key with a trembling hand. It's been a damn long day and with all the work that's been on my mind, I only remembered that I haven't eaten a thing in hours on my way home. I push the door open and step inside on unsteady legs, immediately pulling my mask off and throwing it to the ground, making miscellaneous herbs fall out of it in consequence. I thought I would've get used to the getup a while ago but the longer I wear all that waxed leather, the more suffocating it gets. Then again, I've been running on fumes this past week... It's probably just my body struggling to catch up.

My skin itches under the stuffy clothes, making me want to rip them all off at all costs. I struggle with pulling the gloves off when I hear familiar chattering getting closer. I barely have any time to react before a magpie throws herself at my face, pecking my face scrutinizingly.

"I know, sweetie, I'm sorry I kept you waiting— I had no idea I would have to stay that long." I defend myself weakly, catching her in my bare hands right after my gloves finally come off. Her little face looks so worried, it breaks my heart... "I'm alright, see? Safe and sound, just a little tired. How about you, huh? You didn't wander around too much today?"

I smooth out the ruffled feathers on her cheeks, heading for the staircase to the apartment. I don't bother to take my shoes off since the whole place can't exactly get any filthier, with the recent lack of maintenance. I let the bird perch on my shoulder as I climb up, holding onto the dusty railing.

"It's better that you're staying inside anyway, there isn't much to look at on the streets these days... You know, pain and death as far as the eye can see—" I pause when I feel her press herself to the side of my neck more firmly, sensing the jump of my pulse at the recollection of the bodies on the streets, seen only more frequently now.

I'm a little lightheaded by the time I reach the top of the stairs, needing a moment to stop my vision from blurring. I slide down to the floor against the wall, rubbing my eyes with a dry groan.

"If you ask about how my day went... Well, I spent most of it cleaning blood from every possible surface, trying to keep the clinic sanitary. Then I sat curled up in a corner trying to get a bunch of reports done while Ilya tried admitting and tending to every single person that showed up... And it was a lot of people. Way too much for one doctor to handle." I inhale slowly, just barely keeping my composure, "Everything keeps getting worse... I'm worried for us, Bluebell... You and me, Ilya, the city. I..."

I trail off so I don't say something I've been thinking about ever since the plague began to worsen beyond anything I could imagine. I'm doubting my ability to be of any help to the people of Vesuvia and Asra keeps finding his way into my mind. Our argument is the first thing I think of when I wake, and the last when I fall asleep. I wish I could just miss him like a normal person instead of... Being jealous that he doesn't have to deal with the plague like me. Wishing he was suffering here with all of us.

A peck to the side of my head pulls me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah, I should just grab a thing to eat... I'm being delirious." I mutter and slowly get to my feet, holding onto the wall.

Reaching the kitchen doesn't fill me with much excitement. My stomach feels tight and I doubt that I'll even manage to swallow anything with how dry my throat is. Looking through my pantry, I realize I don't have much to choose from in terms of a meal. The stale bread is by far the most appealing thing I can see inside.

"...You ate something while you were out, right, sweetheart?"

Bluebell screeches affirmatively but she's not very glad about the fact that I don't have any real food for myself.

"I'll be fine for tonight. I'll try to get a hold of some groceries tomorrow, okay?"

I take only a few bites before I start feeling nauseous and have to exit the room. I desperately want to just lay down and fall asleep but the least I should do to retain a sense of normalcy is visiting the bathroom to wash my face and brush my hair out.

I let Bluebell hop down on the bathroom counter while I rummage through the cabinets and shelves for a comb. It takes a little while since I haven't organized anything in the apartment for ages. Everything here smells of spilled fragrant oils and soaps so I shut the stubborn drawer with a slam right after pulling my busted comb out. I need to get away from all these scents as soon as possible so I don't feel the overwhelming urge to throw up anymore.

I shift my loose braid over my shoulder and begin to unravel it, wincing occasionally through the more difficult tangles.

I unwillingly catch a glimpse of myself in the stained mirror. I've been avoiding looking at it ever since Asra left. I'm ashamed of being this viscerally angry at the fact that he chose survival over staying in the city with me. I can't even imagine what I would say to him if he decided to come back for me... I'd hope one look at his face would be enough for me to forget this grudge, take him into my arms and never be apart from him again. Just like it used to be.

I sniff softly, feeling tears irritate my already reddened eyes. I let my hair go to wipe my eyes with my hands, but I freeze when I hear a quiet thunk against the floor. I glance down, thinking Bluebell accidentally knocked down one of the many stray trinkets littering the cabinets with her pacing.

My eyes fall on a blood-red stain on the floor. Once my vision adjusts, I realize that it's moving and... It's one of those beetles we have to keep chasing away at the clinic. It's knocked over on its back, wobbling from side to side helplessly.

I catch my briefly held breath with a gasp and crush it under my heel, causing a crimson puddle to appear, with bits of shell and skinny limbs mixed in.

Disgust overtakes me once the realization of how it must've got here sets in. Patrons, this is even worse than getting my hair stained with blood...

I get overwhelmed with a phantom sensation of a thousand beetles—just like the one I just killed—crawling all over my skin. Hyperventilating, I start looking around the bathroom frantically, knowing that there has to be a pair of scissors nearby. I just want to make it stop, get rid of everything that this awful pest managed to touch—

My hand closes tightly around the cool metal instrument and I promptly grab a clumsy fistful of what was once my biggest joy. It takes a few hard, grating snips to get all of it off.

I let all the long curls fall to the floor, throwing the scissors along with them with a loud clutter. The crawly feeling is gone, at least, but I can't bear to look at the proof of everything that just happened here.

What would Asra think of this massacre...

"I guess that means I'm relieved of the hair brushing duties..." I mutter weakly, glancing up at Bluebell, that my brain seemed to have tuned out up until now. She's walking back and forth on top of the cabinet, her chatters even more panicked than when I first came home "Let's just go to sleep... I don't want any more opportunities to feel even worse..."

She scrambles to get on my shoulder, preening in distraught through the hack job on my head.

I slide my feet out of my shoes and go practically limp once my body hits the bed. But even though I'm more exhausted than I have ever been, the warm night refuses to bless me with any sleep. The only comfort in my lethargic state is the magpie pressed firmly against my chest.

One sentence rings in my head as I stare emptily at the cluttered bedroom. 'I can't let a few inconveniences stop me from going to the clinic tomorrow.'

[theindescribable1]

Getting Better!

Tw: A vent

. . . But with a happy ending!

((LONG LONG READ...eat some popcorn while you're reading. Idk, uhh enjoy? I cried writing this so it might be sad))

BUT WITH A HAPPY ENDINGGG!

The Bad Stuff:

If you've known me for a while, you'd know that I have been dealing with some rather intense depression and anxiety. I spent a good chunk of my young childhood feeling down and sad all day, I had trouble sleeping, I had issues. I kept all my feelings bottled up for years, it only made me feel angry and I was rude to people I loved. I spent most of my days alone in my room, never wanting to be around my family. I think my depression started getting worse when I was 8 or so? My sister was diagnosed with a brain tumor, she had cancer. I thought she'd die, I was so scared and in so much sorrow. My parents brushed my aside for a few years while my sister battled cancer. I wasn't really a main priority, I felt like I didn't matter anymore. Everything started to be all about my sister, I felt more alone then ever. My parents spent all day with my sister, treating me almost like I didn't matter for the time being. After my sister successfully beat Cancer, it felt like things were never fair for me. She never got in trouble, I always got the blame for things, she never really had to work or do any chores, but I did. It all just felt like favoritism. It made me feel less loved, less respected, and I just couldn't tell my parents how I was feeling. I felt a hate towards my parents, they didn't find ways to praise me, or give me a simple "good job" I just wanted some slight praise, someone to tell me I'm doing good. It seemed as if my parents never cared for the good I did, but they cared when I got something wrong. They scolded me for doing something wrong, it made me feel as if I had to be perfect, as if I couldn't make a single mistake. I believed that I didn't matter to them, I believed that no one would miss me when I'm gone. That's when the suicidal thoughts came in, I would think to myself; "I am unloved, what's the point of even trying? Carrying on in a world where I just don't matter.." And I would see myself committing acts of suicide, I thought about what would happen. What just made things worse was how hard I found it to make friends, it seemed like no one gave me a chance. Every school I went to, I was always made the subject of fun. I never did anything to deserve it! I did nothing wrong! Why was it always me? Why did everybody just naturally hate me? I was left out if every single friend group, I was never included in projects, I never had a partner to work with, I was always the last one picked to be in a team, everyone always just treated me like dirt. I just wanted to die, for so long I just wanted to leave this unfair and cruel planet. I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. I was always so stressed, lonely, keeping everything bottled up, telling everyone that I was ok. Keeping everything to myself just gave me headaches, anxiety, stress, anger, and I just couldn't keep my anger to myself. It was becoming more and more difficult. School has always been so difficult for me, bullies, crappy teachers, and I never understood what they were teaching. The entire class was always ahead of me, I never knew how to do anything! I felt so stupid and I had no one to ask for help, I procrastinated every single thing... so many thoughts ran through my head; "I'm so stupid. I'm a loser. No one loves me. I have no friends. Everyone just hates me. Why me why me why me? I just don't want to be here anymore..." All my life up to now, I have always been brushed aside and left with my fake smile. I tried to talk to my parents about what is happening with me, but the first time I tried my mom said; "You don't have depression. You really don't! Just because you feel sad ONCE doesn't mean you're depressed! Look at all that you have! You have nothing to be sad about." It doesn't matter what I have, it matters how I feel! I felt sad and lonely all the time, all day, all night. I was scared to tell my parents again because I just thought they'd brush it aside as me just being "dramatic" and on top off aaaalll of this, my grandpa died and it caused lots of pain.

Things Start Getting Brighter:

I was at a doctor's appointment when I decided that I'd try again... I explained everything to my mom and she started to cry and gave me a big hug. She told me that she'll sign me up for a therapist! That's when I saw hope, a light at the end of a long dark tunnel. I thought to myself; "I'll get better...I'm going to be healed. I'm going to be ok. I'm finally help." After that day, my family started spending time with me, they came into my room more and gave me love. I felt happier, but still not cured- eventually I went in to the first session of counseling! My dad sat next to me for the first couple minutes while the counselor talked to him, I heard him say at one point that he was proud of me, and I couldn't hold back tears. Its because I don't hear those words much...I feel as if no one ever tells me that they are proud of me. . After my dad left, I immediately started to blurt out EVERYTHING. I just went off telling the counselor all the past things, I burst out into tears. I let everything out of the bottle. She could almost immediately diagnose me with some rather intense depression. She gave me advice, things to do, and since then I got a bit better..

So Close To Happiness:

I started to work on loving myself, treating myself to good things! I talked to myself positively! Then I decided I should restore bonds with my family but starting some family game nights and movie nights! Me and my family would play some games together on Wednesday, and movies on Friday! As of right now, I'm in a D & D campaign with my family, uncle, and my uncle's friend! Its going great so far, I'm having fun! I'm getting much closer to my family, I feel loved! I feel appreciated! My family plain as day care about me. I love them, they love me. And I started socializing more, I talked to more people, made a friend group, and I began to hang out with more family outside of my main family of 4. I talked to my cousins more often and got much closer to Carol! I had an online friend who I liked to call Goblin, and we decided to meet in real life. Once they gave me their address, I realized. . .We're neighbors!!!?? We lived in the same neighborhood, so I ran over to their house and they ran out the door, we greeted each other in a fit of laughter. We were online friends for 2 or so years and never knew we were 3 or so minutes away from each other! They are also know as The GGT is that's familiar to you! I was less of an introvert, I had more fun, more friends, many more happy memories! Oh and it got great when I got a lil app called Tumblr. I socialized even more and started getting to doing art! I had a goal, to be popular, to ve somebody of slight importance... well I've just got to say. . Thank you for over 700 followers! I love you all so much and you made my dreams come true! You are all my motivation, my reason to keep on going, my great friends! All of youuuu! I love you all so much! And to this day, I haven't felt really sad, alone, unhappy, I haven't thought about ending my life, in fact...I WANT to live, I want to keep on waking up. I want to continue to see the sun everyday, I want to continue on! I don't want to leave, life is beautiful to me now, I see the good in it all, I know that God has good plans for me, and I will wait for paradise, not skip right to it. I want to live every second of my life, I want to continue to love, laugh, smile, and be will those who love me. I want to accomplish my dreams, to have a good life with many memories.

I love you all, and if you are dealing with some bad things, just remember that there is always someone to talk to, to love you, to understand you.. And I'm one of those! You can talk to me, I'll understand you, and I will always do whatever I can to help you. Live your life, its beautiful...I used to see it has painful, lonely, unfair, dark, and depressing...but truly it isn't. Life is beautiful, and so are all of you.

Stay alive, I love you. I love you all.

[djarins-cyare]

Get to Know Me (tag game)

Thanks @burntheedges and @sydneyinacoma for the tags! 💖

I guess I don’t post much about myself on here, so behold the mystery of Jyar’ika revealed under the cut (because I waffle and didn't wanna take up y’all’s dashes)…

Ahh space to include GIFs (*is happy*)...

1. Were you named after anyone? Hmm, that’s a sneaky way to get a name reveal outta me. Alright, I don’t mind… apparently one of the hosts on Blue Peter (the longest-running children’s TV show in the world - you’re not getting an age reveal outta me too!) had a baby just before I was born. Why my parents were watching a children’s TV show I have no idea, but this host evidently wrote/sang some kinda song on air about calling her baby daughter Jemma with a J not Gemma with a G. So I was named after a terribly trite and obscure TV reference that nobody will ever remember. You may call me Jem if you wish, my friends all do, and if you’re bothering to read this then you’re in that category.

(If you're wondering about the GIF, the show was always broadcast live and they had several pets. The outtakes are numerous.)

2. When was the last time you cried? I think I’m weird… I don’t tend to cry? Or only if I’m really really upset. Maybe I’m Cameron Diaz in The Holiday? So yeah, I can’t actually remember 🤔.

3. Do you have kids? Nope, although it’s a fairly recent decision to not have them. I spent much of my life assuming I wanted kids until I realised I had been conditioned by society to think I did. Since I started considering what I genuinely want and need in my life, I’ve never been happier! I'd make an exception to adopt a certain little green guy, though.

4. What sports do you play/have played? Ugh, I hate questions like this. Nope, I’m a lazy asshole and now you all know it 🫣. I mean, I activity-hopped throughout my school years (gymnastics, karate, soccer), but these days I live in front of a computer. My exercise is lugging 24 bottles of water up 4 flights of stairs twice a week.

5. Do you use sarcasm? I’m British. Sarcasm is my mother tongue.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people? I’m the least observant person ever! So voices a lot of the time, I think. Pretty sure that’s why something clicked inside me as soon as Din Djarin spoke his first on-screen words.

7. What’s your eye color? Depends on the light, but somewhere between dark blue and grey.

8. Scary movies or happy endings? I’m an absolute wuss when it comes to scary movies, so I don’t put myself through that. Also, the literature student in me desperately wants to point out that these things are not mutually exclusive, as you can have scary movies with happy endings, so a more appropriate ‘either/or’ scenario would be tragedies or happy endings. But either way, I will say no to the former and yes to the latter. I dislike making myself feel scared or sad – I consume fiction (in all formats) to feel good, so I’ll always look for the positive. I’m currently experimenting to see if I can write a massively angsty fic, and it was supposed to be done by the New Year, but I’m struggling. I will also have to include one of those open-ended ‘maybe it could work out after all’ epilogues. I just can’t leave my characters in pain.

9. Any talents? Not sure what constitutes a talent… I can sing, play guitar, write a longass Din Djarin fanfic that people seem quite keen on, uh… cook, I guess (though I rarely bother), understand quite a few languages (less proficient at speaking them). I’m sort of a jack of all trades, master of none. I would say I have a talent for procrastination – I can complete a whole workday and get barely anything of substance done!

10. Where were you born? In a village outside a town in Surrey, England. It's only about 30 miles from London. Lots of trees. Very dull. I left as soon as I could.

11. What are your hobbies? Writing is my main obsession, specifically Din Djarin-related, of course. Also reading (same genre). Throughout my entire life I’ve enjoyed stories in all formats – reading, writing, watching, listening, proofreading the fuck out of them – so if it’s a good yarn, I’ll have a good time.

12. Do you have any pets? Not currently, my landlord won’t allow it. I used to own 3 rats who were the most adorable boys and so smart – they knew their names, responded to commands, liked to snuggle. When I can finally buy my own place I’ll probably get a dog, as I like pets that listen to you, even if only sporadically. I had a very non-communicative chameleon once. He was called Minion. He was not a good minion.

13. How tall are you? 5’4. Not tiny, but sometimes I have to go up on my tippytoes to reach stuff.

14. Favorite subject in school? English literature (see hobbies question above). When I got to university and enrolled on an English lit/lang degree, I tried to take as many literature courses and avoid the language ones. It wasn’t until years after graduating when I started proofing/editing and writing more seriously that I developed a respect for all the mandatory language courses I had to do. I also liked media studies and film studies; you can guess why. Psychology was interesting too, it’s good to understand human nature if you want to write realistic characters.

15. Dream job? I wish I could write novels for a living. It’s a goal as well as a dream. I know a couple of authors who’ve self-published via Kindle Direct Publishing (I proofread/edited for one of them), and they were successful enough to turn that into their careers. They keep encouraging me to try, although I’m currently in my ‘obsessed with Din Djarin so just writing fanfic to develop my authorial voice’ era. When my obsession wanes, as obsessions inevitably do, I’ll hopefully feel ready to write something original and take my shot. But I’m not pressuring myself, and right now I’m happy attempting to entertain the Mandalorian fan community. I feel safe here 💖

Now I know I’m supposed to tag people since that’s the point of a tag game… but I’m that autistic kid in the corner who is too shy and worried about tagging people who might not reply. So I’m foregoing tags today. But, if you’ve bothered to read this and you haven't already played: TAG YOU’RE IT! That’s me tagging you, please take it seriously and thank me for your tag in your own post (I will be genuinely thrilled if anybody does this, and I’m sending advance love to anyone who does – you don’t know how much it means to someone autistic to have the decision-making element dealt with for them). So go on, now it’s your turn!

[whsprings]

some updates!

I am officially discharging in one(1) week! it doesn't feel real yet. I am very nervous about being able to maintain recovery long-term, especially because I still supplement multiple times a day to meet my meal plan due to fullness. and occasionally due to poor food quality, lol.

I did try to get my dietitian to compromise on my meal plan because I physically cannot do it and uh. that did not work. I am not surprised. but like girl i am not gonna supplement myself so we gotta figure something out here

i have my first snack pass tomorrow! I've been eligible for like two weeks but I didn't get around to planning anything bc I was procrastinating but I guess it's happening.

speaking of passes, apparently insurance wants me to do a full day pass to get some practice before i leave. technically that's a phase 3 thing (I'm phase 2) but my team said they'd make an exception. I'm kind of annoyed that I'm doing passesbfor the first time literally my last week here but in a way being responsible for one snack and one meal per day on php is kind of a pass?? I guess?? also even if things go horribly wrong on my theoretical day pass it won't affect my discharge date so part of me is like oh?? this means I can use the behaviors?? but I don't Want To Do That. but also I do.

the meal outing today was to the fucking cheesecake factory 😭 like this had to be some form of cruel and unusual punishment. like first of all it's not that good and second of all the menu has the calories listed AND is like 10182552 pages long AND we were required to get cheesecake with our meals. oh, and they took forever so by the time we got back to programming it was literally time for pm snack 😭🙃 they let us supplement with dinner (thank god) bc what the fuck

that being said it actually wasn't horrendous. like we tried to keep conversations going and no one was (that) fucking weird about what they ordered. the anticipatory anxiety was definitely worse than the actual thing. I had very strong compensatory restriction urges BUT I still completed my silly little meal plan soooo

my mood has been lower the past few days which has led to me bedrotting after programming instead of doing anything which in turn makes me feel worse which makes me not want to do anything wh-- anyway I love living with depression and having a brain that just fucking wakes up sad for no reason

I am fully, painfully aware that I will not have access to my weight starting when I discharge and it's freaking me the fuck out. despite me completing the past few weeks my weight has been stable which is incredibly soothing to my silly brain and has made completion so much easier. my weight has changed very little from what I admitted at and I would love to keep it that way. that being said, no one seems to have any idea of what my set point is, and I Cannot just. trust my body to take care of that for me. i feel like if I just Knew my weight and could therefore "make sure" it isn't going up and maintain my ability to reassure myself, then maybe I can do this. maybe.

like I can tolerate my current body and size and weight and even though my body image fluctuates I can always come back to the fact that things haven't really changed. but I can't fucking do that if I dont know the number. also if I know the number I can "fix" things if it starts going up. fucks sake.

anyway. ive spent way too long on this and it's almost midnight.

tldr things are mostly going well and i discharge in a week and I am still a control freak.

[luthien-under-bough]

20 questions for fic writers

@anamazingangie tagged me - and what better way to procrastinate on actually writing any of my fics??

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 92

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 378,489

3. What fandoms do you write for? House of the Dragon (Daemyra) almost exclusively now; previously mainly Dragon Age: Inquisition and Horizon Zero Dawn, with several different single fic fandoms like Assassin's Creed: Valhalla, Mass Effect, Star Wars, Skyrim, and probably others I'm forgetting.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

I found some hate for you, just for show 

better not touch (i want it too much)

i got a bad desire (baby i'm on fire)

do you feel the hunger?

ain't nobody hurt you like i hurt you

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to! Sometimes I respond right away - other times it takes me a while to get to it. Tbh sometimes it's harder to think of a comment reply than it is to write the fic - especially those amazing long, thoughtful comments. I always worry nothing I can possibly respond will properly express how happy I am to receive them. But I truly appreciate everyone who takes the time to comment - nothing makes my day more than seeing that Ao3 comment email.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

It's got to be i've looked at clouds from both sides now - the ending is just purely hopeless angst. Even my necro fic where Daemon & Rhaenyra both die somehow has a less angsty ending.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

It might surprise people to learn that a lot of my fics actually do end happily, despite my deep, abiding love of angst. peak ends very fluffy and happily; and after some angst in the middle, better not touch (i want it too much) has a very happy ending.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not outright hate - sometimes I get comments I don't necessarily appreciate, but I've been pretty lucky so far I guess? Maybe I'm not writing fucked up enough stuff, idk.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes. Whatever I'm in the mood for - which in the past couple of months has been cannibalism and necrophilia. So. But usually it's some flavor of Daemon being dominant and dirty-talking a lot, featuring my not-so-subtle hand/finger/ring kink and choking kink. I also really enjoy writing Sad Men Jerking Off.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Crossovers aren't usually my thing, although I did recently write a ridiculous HotD/Naked Attraction crossover: Naked Attraction: The Lost Episode.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Only once that I know of, but it was quickly taken down. It was literally a copy/paste of do you really feel alive without me mixed with the work of another Daemyra author.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, with my permission.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, although I definitely take a lot of inspiration from conversations I have with other writers in the fandom. I like to think we all mutually enable each other's ideas, with excellent results. And the #ghost 2 au that you might see pop up from my asks has definitely been a collaborative idea with a number of anons! Otherwise, my writing process is too chaotic to make co-writing really viable. I would end up being too stressed over annoying my co-writer with my disorganization.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Daemyra quickly took root in my brain and became my forever OTP. <3

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have confidence I'll finish all my HotD WIPs. I have an outstanding fic I wrote for The Magicians for a prompt event that is supposed to have a second chapter, but I don't know that I'll ever get around to it since all my fandom energy is spent on Daemyra these days.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I feel like I come up with some interesting premises and can push myself creatively pretty regularly. I feel like I'm good at adjusting my prose and narrative voice to suit the setting? Idk, I like my own dialogue and am not ashamed to admit I make myself laugh when writing a lot of it.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Uhhh plotting lmao. I mostly write based on vibes. Also planning, outlining, posting with any sort of regular schedule, etc. Like I said earlier about my writing process - it's pure chaos.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I use High Valyrian phrases mixed into dialogue a lot, but otherwise I'm way too lazy to write in a language other than English because I'm nowhere close to fluent in any other language, and I don't want to embarrass myself with shitty online translations.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter. Dramione was my original OTP. <3

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

My favorites change constantly depending on what mood I'm in. Here's my current fave from each of my fandoms:

ain't nobody hurt you like i hurt you (House of the Dragon)

Something Wretched About This (Dragon Age)

Closer Than My Hands Have Been (Horizon Zero Dawn)

You Don't Have to Go It Alone or: How to Handle Personnel Issues Aboard the Normandy (Mass Effect - okay this is also my only Mass Effect fic but I really like it so I'm including it)

I’m tagging: @grandlovescheme, @delinquentpurplefox, @rainbowslinkyy, @bluegoldrose

(if they haven’t already done it)

[babrsecurity]

Hobbies, habits, routines, regimens

Imagining myself from a third person perspective

Playing a timeline between my infant hood all the way to my wisdom years

I imagine my dream self approaching my death bed with all their life pageant earnings

I imagined being the version who got another chance at life

I wonder if in another life did I hurt myself, did I hold myself back, did I give up my dreams, did I end up on the streets, did I have to make sacrifices for children I never met, did I become famous and hated it, did I meet the love of my life, was I everything I ever thought of?

How do you dream of yourself? Are you a dream or a nightmare?

Are you even attracted to yourself?

Do you hate to see yourself coming?

Do you appreciate yourself?

Are you too good to be successful? Some other time maybe?

Imagine you 40 years from now watching you outside of a window, wondering where you’re headed, wondering how easy it must be you. How fortunate you are, how much time you have. I would think about my days in middle school and how horrendous I was being treated even back then. Looking at it now I can honestly say I hardly remember what hardship I faced back in school; I could recall from my childhood, but I don’t get too emotional about it.

How I forgave myself for procrastinating

Knowing I only do things when I’m ready and isolated to do things my way

That I was in some way, actively participating in achieving my own goals. For instance, I could have 5 books drafted for 3 years, but those three years were spent researching how to be come a better writer, saving project-related pins, and immediately writing down whatever came to thought as soon as it did right in my iPhone notes.

You are a collector. You’re constantly seeking the next big or small item. From a psychological perspective, when a collector has an addiction they’re aware of, like cheaters is seeking the “ultimate truth”. The hunt is over once they find that ultimate.

Why we graduate and why someone out there is charging

All great things must come to an end.

Every great empire has its downfall.

When you educate people to become independent, they can’t

3-5 years were going by with the same thoughts written down but never crossed out

I’ve had the plan to organize my desktop for over five years now

I haven’t been hit on in over a decade

A 15 year long hair journey still at shoulder length with major breakage

Inspiration based screenshots that never manifested into digestible content

Playing catch up with finances

And for some sad reason, you know the rest.

[speedysarah1]

i am just so lost. i am so sad and depressed and i dont want to do anything. when i try everything is blocked. i feel so empty and so alone and so done with the world. i want to live a different life. i no longer desire this one. but what can I do?

i halfway hoped the simulation would end when taylor won the superbowl. i know that sounds crazy but it's just such a fairy tale that i thought it might sheer us into another plane of existence.

that's a lie. i knew we wouldn't be. i was just hoping for an end.

with my genes, i'm going to live to 90 at least, 100 more likely. i am 30 now and already so tired. i listen to my sweet grandma accept that she's at the end of the road, and how she's ready to cross the threshold whenever the lord is ready for her. i find myself wishing that he would be ready for me too.

i don't believe in god anymore. not the way i did when i was a kid raised to go to church and after school bible study and baptisms and all that. i remember getting tested over memorizing prayers. my dad and i prayed every night together, practising so i could perform for the priest and be okayed to take my first communion. the priest had my dad grade me, and i said those four prayers perfectly. my dad didn't given me top marks though, because my legs had been swaying.

feels like i'm always graded on an unknown scale. this morning my partner asked why it took me an hour post workout to make it upstairs. i said i had a protein shake. he marveled at hour a protein shake could take an hour. i cried in the shower as i spent the requisite twenty minutes to brush out my knotted curls. was i not allowed to take the morning slowly? what had i done wrong other than let depression color my morning with molasses, slowing my movements, procrastinating the problems of the day?

i have another meeting in twenty. i don't want to go to it. i haven't done the work i would have wanted for it and when trying my kernel died, whatever that means. and then i have therapy, when i have to recount the fight of the week and pretend like i don't want to be sucked up by a black hole, or gently crushed by the earth herself. i want to run away and never come back, only i have nowhere to run to. just a house filled with fights and dogs and lives that aren't mine but are my responsibility.

i am so tired

[md3artjournal]

Well, blundered again.

I don't know why I keep letting shopping online scare me so much, but I procrastinated on the last day of Art Supply Warehouse's Back To School sale, and it turns out they started removing the sale prices more than 10minutes before midnight. So better to not complete my purchase and risk ending up with non-sale prices.

The sad thing was that I was really looking forward to getting all these bottles of ink! I really needed that Copic ink refill for Claude's skin tone! I really needed Copic nib replacements so I didn't have all these useless Copic markers and/or Copic Ink Refills with nothing to put them into!

But I procrastinated too much. I took a nap---even though I knew I was doing it because I was afraid to place the order today. I spent weeks before today, picking out what I would buy from the sale, only to not actually make the purchases on that same day I made those decisions. I told myself I needed to make sure of what I needed to buy. I watched reviews and looked at different sources for different swatches of ink, to compare colors. Because we all know we can't trust the given color swatches on a store website, or even Copic's official website. Those swatches look nothing like the markers I do have! Thank goodness for YouTube reviewers. There's something more real about their lighting that I can trust, more than a web browser's approximation of a color swatch. I started watching vids from Ken Bromley Art Supplies. They were very succinct and demonstrated the pure ink, diluted with water, used with brush and thin dip pen lines. it was exactly what I needed and all very quick. I must have watched those vids 10 times each, to keep reassuring myself that I was choosing the right colors.

And then I double checked my old notes for which Copic markers in my collection needed replacing, refills, nib exchanges, or just new colors I wanted. All those old shopping lists are so simultaneously redundant and incomplete. I always have to cross-reference all of them to make a new shopping list. And that's what I ended up doing at the last minute tonight.

SMH, I need all those reassurances. Even while starting to place my order tonight, I started to feel my body start having psychosomatic effects. It always does this. That's why I can't do my taxes myself anymore. I'm actually surprised I could hold it together today, instead of just running to the bathroom. But I still couldn't get done fast enough to place my order before the sale ended.

I don't know...Maybe I just self-sabotage too much. I know I'm too scared of doing anything important. That's why I'm especially afraid of any type of monetary transactions online. It's the same reason I haven't opened my online shop, even more than 10 years after getting my seller's permit. It's the same reason I keep procrastinating buying things online. I haven't even bought anything from Amazon before! I'm too afraid...to do anything. ;_;

I'm so stupid.

I needed these art supplies. I'm out of black ink---well, black ink that I can rely on to not rub off onto the opposite sides of my sketchbook pages. I really need the Copic Ink color for Claude's skin tone. I have a whole comic to finish with him as a chibi merman, so I need to color a lot more of his skin than usual! It's good that I save money by not buying anything, but the truth is these new supplies would have made my life easier. I can say, "Well, I guess this means I should start practicing digital art more. There's less worry of running out of ink, art supplies, or specific colors, if I'm coloring digitally." The problem is that I really like drawing in ink, traditionally, and by hand. Especially during Inktober or while doing my minimalistic, silhouette witches or spiral dip pen drawings. ....Still, I have a LOT of supplies. I just need to learn to use them. Even though my sumi ink stinks and isn't dark enough. Even though, as much as I love drawing in charcoal and pastels, preserving it with fixative sprays puts my whole sketchbook out of commission for days and giving off dangerous fumes for weeks. Not to mention how thinking of getting my hands that messy deters me from even starting. Also, I think all my fixatives are so old, they turn all my drawings yellow. Even though I have watercolors, it's just so frustrating knowing it measurably takes me 5 times longer to color than when I use Copic markers. I hate wasting so much time mixing skin tones with watercolors, only to run out and need to mix again, AND color match my previous mix. Buying that ink bottle of skin tone would have really made my life easier. I needed these supplies because they would have made my life easier. Yes, I still have lots of art supplies. But they're all cumbersome and an obstacle to me drawing. I need the path of least resistance in my mediums, because I already have too many psychological obstacles to overcome.

I'm already too afraid of drawing, I need art supplies that make my life easier. But I'm too afraid of buying online, making an online shop, of doing anything.

My only consolation tonight is that technically, this wasn't anything important. I'm not going to get penalized for not placing an order online, versus efiling my sales taxes.

I don't know whether I should soothe myself up by going to bed, watching a show I like, or just tearing into my art supplies, to prove to myself that I can use them.

Like, what am I going to do about Claude's skin tone? I draw those comics in water-soluble fountain pen ink. I can't just switch to watercolors; all my linework would disappear. I can't switch to color pencils; it would make my previous pages for that fancomic too inconsistent. Maybe I wait until Black Friday, hope that Copic Ink Refills will be part of a sale, and postpone continuing my DMCL comic until then? Well, at the rate I've been avoiding drawing this month, that may happen without me even trying. x_x;

I'm so stupid.

~ ~ ~

1:29 PM 9/17/2023 EDIT:

It's past 1pm on the day I thought the sale was already over, and turns out, the sale prices were still up? So I bought everything. I'm sorry, wallet. lol But also, I'm not sorry, because these supplies will make my life a lot easier. Now I'm happy because I'll get my bottles of ink.😄 One good thing about thinking I missed out, is that it galvanizes my feelings one way or another. So I was able to place the order without as much of my usual uncertainty, anxiety, & self doubt. So, ok. I should be able to relax now. I paid for my order. All the prices were the sale price. My order went through. I saved a PDF of my "Order Created" page. I should be fine. I just have to save all my screengrabs. But even if something goes wrong, I still have that PDF. We're essentially safe. Not quite done, but very safe.

I always feel a little post-stress after an event, even if it ends well, and even when it's over. But I'm relatively fine right now. This amount of post-stress surprises me with how faint it is, compared to my usual. So I'd say, I'm doing well, this was good, and I should eat breakfast. And I'm going to get all that ink I wanted! Just in time for Inktober! I should be happy!

Yes, I splurged on that extra dark Purple Lake ink, but I just remembered that it might be good for Inktober, since I do a lot of minimalistic silhouettes for Inktober. I was originally going to just use the lavender Velvet Violet ink, since lighter purple will be more recognizable as purple, in thin line art. But then before finishing up my order, I remembered that I also do a lot of broad inked spaces during Inktober for my witches. And yes, I'd like for them to be somewhere between black and purple. They're witches! It'll be Halloween month! It'll also help me save my black ink for when I absolutely need to do a drawing in black and white. I originally thought to skip Purple Lake because it was so dark, that it almost looked black, especially in thin lineart. But actually, in the back of my head, I just couldn't not buy it. It was a dark purple, one of the coolest of colors. I'm just glad that at the last minute, I was able to think of an excuse to buy it, a case where it would be even more useful than the more lavender Velvet Violet. I do like Velvet Violet though; it's a lot more blueish than pinkish, compared to Purple Lake. Honestly, I almost also bought a bottle of green ink and blue ink. But what for? And if I was going for a full rainbow, then why not get an orange too? But the truth is, that I just like those colors, the cool colors end of the spectrum. But I shouldn't be buying so many bottles of ink.

I still have a bottle of blue Liquitex Ink. My brain's "reckless spending" side tried to talk me into thinking my Liquitex Ink was too dark of a blue for Dimitri, and maybe I should be buying a bottle of lighter blue ink for Dimitri. But I've been doing drawings with that dark blue Liquitex Ink for Dimitri since 2?years ago, and it's just fine. In fact, it's not so dark to be mistaken as black. It's a recognizable blue, even with my drawings made up of only thin linework (spirals, hatchlines, etc.). And when I think about the other FE3H Lords and the spiral-filled fanart I drew for them with my Liquitex Ink, one of the reasons I liked my spiral Edelgard drawings, is because the red was very deep. The darkness made the color seem "rich". So I shouldn't be dismissing any ink with colors so dark that almost seem black. Being so dark as to almost seem black could produce a nice color shift effect in some drawings, so I'm kind of excited now to try Purple Lake for one of my spiral/purely linework drawings. My current stock of blue Liquitex Ink and my incoming Daler-Rowney FW Purple Lake will be nice BECAUSE they edge into "very dark". I shouldn't worry about "virtually black" inks not showing enough of their color.

1:33 PM 9/17/2023 Sometimes I wonder if I should be posting all these anxieties on my art journal, especially when they turn out to be nothing. But up until those points, all my anxiety is very real and does hurt a lot. What is my art journal blog for again? I used to feel very free to use it to post all my art thoughts, even though it's all my insecurity and anxiety pouring out. But now that I've gotten some messages from people who seem to be actually reading my art journal blog, I'm wondering if I'm sharing too much. Am I posting anything relatable that might help someone as equally insecure and anxious as me? Or am I just bothering everyone with my disgusting insecurities? I've always said on my main blog that "your blog is for you and you should post whatever you want and not care about what your Followers think". But I post some really personal stuff on my art journal blog. That's part of why I put the word "journal" in the title. I can get pretty raw, and though my catastrophizing thoughts can turn a swirl in a teacup into a monsoon, I know how ridiculous it looks from the outside, to other people. I guess I'm just getting a little self conscious on a blog that I didn't used to have that concern about. But maybe I should? Maybe I shouldn't be posting so much of my most personal thoughts on the internet. I still censor myself; my offline journal is much more intense than this blog. But maybe even this blog with my TMI is something I should do something about. o.o??? 1:38 PM 9/17/2023 I should eat breakfast.

[keefwho]

September 01 - 2023 Friday

8:49 AM Thoughts

I guess I feel kinda worthless this morning. Rather my head is full of thoughts that keep telling me whats wrong with me and how everything is going downhill. They are deep beliefs like "I can't keep up this act" "It'll all come crumbling down" "Whats the point of trying anything if it'll only lead to ruin"

2:09 PM Thoughts

I hate where I am. I do nothing. I live in the same room every day. I don't really mean anything to anyone. I have no physical connection to anyone. I can't live up to any friend that does. That makes me disposable. I feel horrible and selfish that I think I deserve love from anyone. I feel wrong expecting that from anyone. No matter how much I give back, it never makes me enough. I want to be able to love like others do. I don't know if I am capable. I want to talk to my friend, I want to be moody with them and open up. But that also feels selfish, especially with what they are going through recently. I want to be able to have other friends I can be vulnerable with but I don't like anyone else like that. I don't know what to do with myself today or this weekend. All I can think about is how bad everything could be. I'm still awaiting the seemingly inevitable destruction of everything I enjoy in my life. I can't move up, only down. I don't even know how I got to where I am, I feel like I wrongfully own everything. I don't want to isolate but I don't want to talk to anyone either. I feel like I can't connect with anyone. But how do I know I'm not just self destructing. I know I need to make a conscious effort to put myself in favorable positions.

3:14 PM

I'm sitting here wallowing instead of doing something. I vaguely know what I want to do but my thoughts stop me. I'm literally choosing to give into my sadness rather than putting in the energy to direct my focus onto something that will fulfill me. I guess I still haven't really learned how destructive this really is. One day I should wake up and realize what I'm doing to myself.

11:54 PM

I don't WANT to do a journal entry but is that low self worth talking or do I really not want to? Also I DO want to in the sense that I want to have said I did it and documented my life a little but I don't want to put in the work. I will anyways.

Breakfast was leftover broccoli pizza. I wasn't looking forward to today since it's the 1st of the month and that means new commissions and finances. Stream went as normal as always. The guy that commissioned me was iffy on what he wanted at the end and I had to contain my frustration because of how petty his complaints were. Also he wanted to add a background which isn't a huge deal except I have to match the lighting of the background to his character while usually I do it the other way around. Really its just been bad communication on his part which is something I have to put up with alot.

Before lunch I tackled my finances and updated my profiles everywhere but honestly a good chunk of the midday was spent procrastinating. I took a shower and had spaghetti for lunch. After lunch I felt like giving into my sadness and not doing anything but I was able to get myself to work on some art and another avatar so I guess I'm proud of that. It was also a case of wanting to do something for the sake of having got it done and it is fulfilling if I can actually do it. I also made sure not to isolate myself by hanging out in a friend's server even if I was mostly just listening to them yell at their games. Eventually I left them and joined a different server where I finished up work and played some Battlebit with them. It was kinda fun but all day I had been in my head and wasn't entirely present. All day I just wanted to chat with my bestie about anything because I felt like I needed that emotional release and I did end up getting that after some fun VR time. The only meaning I felt today was spent with her because she always manages to be a good thing even on bad days. Now I'm hopeful for tomorrow that I can figure out some things to do and focus on them. Im aware of the kinds of ways I was feeling today and how I did/didn't handle it properly.

[fizzingwizard]

Doing this ask game by myself! To keep procrastinating! 😇

🌿 Herb: What is a scent you find relaxing?

Cinnamon, damp earth, ocean

🌱 Seedling: What is something you want to begin learning?

Almost everything...! But more realistically, if I could pick just one thing to begin learning, I think it'd be making miniatures.

🥛 Milk: What is a food you find comforting when you are sad? 

Either mac and cheese or grilled cheese. Definitely my comfort foods since childhood. Here it's hard because I can't easily find the cheeses I prefer and they're often expensive if I do.

🍯 Honey: What is one thing you like about yourself?

Ridiculously optimistic. I don't look like I am but it's true, and it's something which has buoyed me through a lot. Despite that, it's never been under too strenuous a test, so I sometimes get stressed out imagining what could finally break it.

🍄 Mushroom: What is a quote you find comfort in?

I've been collecting quotes since I was preteen. I have extensive collection which would be way longer if I hadn't lost a bunch of documents on an old computer. It's impossible to pick just one favorite quote, but one I really liked recently is:

“Nothing in nature is as simple as it sometimes seems when reduced to words.” - Hal Borland, The Enduring Pattern

☕ Tea: How do you take your tea?

Green tea, barley tea, oolong: as is Earl grey: a little sugar, rarely milk

🐄 Cow: What is one other tumblr blog you really appreciate?

I guess I've spent so much time enjoying wanderthewood that I must mention it.

🌳 Tree: What is one thing in your future you are looking foward towards? 

Honestly, I'm more just crossing my fingers that the things I'm looking forward to I will actually make happen.

🍑 Peach: What is a color that makes you smile? 

Blue-green, specifically the sea at the beaches in Okinawa

🌻 Sunflower: What is one thing that brightened your day today?

A surprise run-in with Etta Jones "Till There Was You"

🐓 Chicken: What is a comfort movie/show for you?

Gilmore Girls and BBC Pride and Prejudice. Movies - almost anything Ghibli.

🧵 Thread: What is a recent creative project that you are proud of?

Finishing several fanfics, a thing I never accomplished when I was younger. Half because of laziness, half because I simply didn't want the fun to end. But finishing it is great. Now I just need to wrap up Fox so I can move on <3

🐈 Cat: Do you have any pets? Are there some pets you really want?

No, had several growing up though. I want a cat or a small dog.

🍅 Tomato: Have you ever gardened, and if so, what is your favorite thing to grow?

Not really. I helped my mom with her garden... when she pleaded with me ^^' Now I wish I'd had more of an interest as a kid. I don't even know how feasible it is, but I'd like to grow my own green peas and blueberries, because they're so difficult to find/expensive where I am now.

🍃 Leaf: What is a plant you find beautiful?

Recently obsessed with lantana flowers. Old time favs: cosmos and forget-me-nots. Special mention: Japanese lantern flower

🐝 Bee: What is a video game that you find comforting?

Sims, I guess, because I don't play any other game. It is comforting when it isn't super buggy.

🍞 Bread: Do you know how to bake bread? If so, what is something you’ve baked recently?

Nope

🐇 Bunny: What’s a song that you really like?

"Flame" - Luli Lee

🌲  Pine: Do you prefer the cold, or the heat?

Heat. I get cold really easily, that's the problem. I used to not notice heat at all. But here it's so humid in the summer that I've begun to dread the summers, which are so long here... Right now it's the perfect temperature, but it will probably only stay that way for another week or two...

🧶 Yarn: Knitting or Crocheting?

Crochet

🐑 Sheep: What is a comfort item you own?

This little bear I bought five years ago and just keep next to my futon all the time. Actually, he's in need of a dusting... And he has no tag so I don't even know what brand he is

🍓 Strawberry: Do you own any pink clothing?

A pink sweater. And socks.

🥞 Pancake: What is your favorite breakfast food?

Impossible to pick!! Sunny-side-up eggs, waffles, french toast, buttermilk pancakes, oatmeal, cream of wheat, bagels... breakfast food is my favorite kind

⛰️ Mountains: Would you rather live in the mountains, city, beach, or the forest?

Aesthetically, a cabin in the woods. Realistically I'm too average to for that secluded lifestyle. I gotta be in or near the city. If I didn't have to work, it'd be another story though.

🧸 Teddy Bear: Do you ever want to raise kids someday?

Yes, always wanted, sometimes figure I became a preschool teacher to fill the void... lol

🕯️ Candle: What is something you can’t go to bed without?

Nothing? I'd say a bed, but actually when I moved I didn't have a futon so I just slept on the floor for a week haha

[hedonisticpursuits]

Realizing That Time is Unattainable

My stepdad is a teacher at a private middle school. I met him when I was five years old, and he had always taught seventh and eighth grade. I had this image in my head for most of elementary school, of the students he taught, who lived fancy lives, with private tennis lessons and horseback riding every weekend with the family horses, tall blonde white girls with long legs and even longer hair. Very rarely, I would go to the school on weekends or on vacation days, and I would walk around the empty campus and imagine myself as one of these seventh/eighth graders. I saw myself grow eight inches, I saw myself have the preppy walk, preppy talk, I could hear the polite giggles. Even at ten years old I would imagine the kinds of secrets these girls would have. The boys they would kiss and the parties they went to where, at the end, all the girls had to make sure they had one cohesive story to tell their parents, afraid of being found out. I was enamored with these students that I had never seen and honestly rarely heard of. But it did not matter if they were real, or if I knew their names, or even if not one person in the school had lived a life close to what my imagination created. They were what I could be one day. One day I would be in the later years of middle school, and I could use them (or what I thought they were) as a guide to be the seventh/eighth grader I loved and wanted to be! 

And then I was in seventh grade, and I seldom remember much. I was definitely not living the preppy life of past me dreams. I remember having a science teacher who would send me to the office almost every class for a couple months. I was outspoken, top of the that class, had an insane amount of attitude and an ego that would intimidate grown men. And then it was over. I was now in eighth grade. I drank, tried drugs, made horrible decisions that still fill me with guilt when I think of the eyes of people I once loved. I made new friends, betrayed old ones, kissed my first boy, and then it was over. 

And what made me first realize that time was slipping from my fingers, was that I would officially always be older than the students that my step dad taught. It was not that high school was around the corner, or that I was already at an age where I was experimenting with drugs(which i'm aware is very young but that is what happens when you are raised in Los Angeles), or the eyes of older men on my developing body - granted all of these things would eventually send me into a sad realization that childhood could no longer exist for me. I realized time was starting to become a finite resource when the years of daydreaming of seventh/eighth graders lives, no longer made sense. At that point it would just be really creepy. But how could that be? I would lay in bed wondering how I have already surpassed a moment of anticipation, realizing two years is really not that long, constantly being told that the four years of high school would go in the blink of an eye. Time time time time time. It wasn't until up to that point that I had urges to grab onto time, to grab the hands of a clock and dig my feet into the ground, to simply just ask it to slow the fuck down. 

I have recently had a moment like that again. The realization that I was now a young adult. That I am at an age where I have many times imagined what life would be like for me. I would try to imagine what I looked like, what I would be doing, what I would be studying in school, who my friends would be. I would not say that the moments I anticipated are over, but they are in the now. And that now is in the past and I'm constantly in a new now of my young adulthood. And that moment of my young adulthood just passed, and I am now in a new moment of my young adulthood. Yes, all these moments I just mentioned have been spent in my bed, procrastinating going to the gym, but these moments will all eventually add up to the years of my life. Time is always breathing over my shoulder letting me know it is ready to go further no matter what I have to say about it. I can't grab its hand and pull it back, or tell it to wait for me because I need to tie my shoes really quickly. I have a hard time feeling like i am moving at the same pace as time, I have many times declared time my enemy. Still for time to be something that I say I hate so much, all I want is for it to last longer. For the moments I have spent 12 years anticipating, to last longer than what two years felt like. For my young adulthood to not count the moments of time where I am counting the moments in time. But time is forever slipping from my grasp, because that is what it is meant to do. And I am always chasing it, cursing it, and loving it, because that is what I am meant to do.

[mask-of-prime]

TLG: Rebuilding Trust

During Kion's absence, Kiara had been taken to Savannah Summits by Simba as a teen, merely attending and just getting acquainted with the political environment, eager to voice opinions she was sure about at the time. Fast forward to today, on Simba's last Savannah Summit before retiring someday soon, Kiara attends her very first Savannah Summit in which she's allowed to have her very own say on serious matters. Kiara was determined to prove that she could bring a history-making contribution to the table by welcoming a new and unlikely representative to the roster...

Days before this major Savannah Summit, Kiara, with the escort of Kovu and Vitani's Guard, meets with Jasiri, whom she'd become great friends with during Kion's absence. Jasiri, despite recently being on good terms with Simba and his family last time she'd met with them, was uncertain of how the rest of the Pridelanders would react. As usual, Kiara's supportive and optimistic words eventually managed to persuade Jasiri into attending, as she too strived to break barriers.

The Savannah Summit arrives, Kiara makes a major announcement, introducing the newcomer who makes her way down the entrance to Mizimu Grove. The animals are in shock, audibly gasping and jolting at the sight of the hyena, but they keep to themselves. They've seen her fight alongside Kion and his former Guard before, proving her alignment, yet they were still wary.

While the Pridelands' herds' post-traumatic stress from the invasion and ruthless overhunting from Shenzi's Clan during Scar's Reign is valid, their transgenerational trauma alongside the long-running banishment of Shenzi's Clan has led to ignorant stigmatisms surrounding hyenas as a species over the years. Kiara, having prepared her speech, has Jasiri's back by clarifying to everyone that not all hyenas follow the customs of the clan that had once taken over the Pridelands, and that Jasiri's Clan (which features members that descend from Shenzi's Clan), intend to learn and grow from their predecessors' mistakes.

Simba, who had been getting better at overcoming his paranoia brought on by his PTSD, is pleased with Kiara, telling her that this was the best time and place to introduce a genuine, trusting hyena leader like Jasiri to the Pridelanders to end a long, needless prejudice. Hyenas were to no longer be banished from the Pridelands, and to Kiara, Jasiri, and (even on behalf of) Kion's wishes, all living beings who respected the Circle of Life were welcome to the Pridelands.

(...this does make me wonder, though, does anyone think Nala would feel the same about Jasiri? While Nala's rational enough to know Jasiri's nothing like the members of Shenzi's Clan (and she knows Shenzi's Clan all too well, spent a majority of her life growing up with them), do you think the presence of any hyena might spark a deep-rooted, subconscious trauma in her? I can see her trying so hard to be openminded to Jasiri just as she was to Kovu, but these memories of Scar's hyena army won't stop bugging her. Perhaps she starts to understand the feelings Simba once went through.)

(Note: To clarify, including Jasiri in the Savannah Summit is not to make the Outlands a mere part the Pridelands, as that would lower Jasiri's status as prime minister and take away from her drive to restore the Outlands as a separate yet equally opportune, prosperous land. Because Jasiri's the leader of a whole land, like that of Sokwe of the Theluji Mountains or Dhahabu of the Backlands. Jasiri would moreso attend some kind of "super summit" in the future, where it's all kingdom leaders instead of herd leaders)

(Another Note: This took way longer than I can believe, usually I get drawings done over a matter of like three days at the most if I'm busy, but this took probably two weeks. What's sad is that the idea was so clear and fresh in my head that I was ready to jot the whole thing down, but I found myself procrastinating, getting a few weeks of school out of the way, and even questioning the drawing's existence. In the end I think I'm glad I took my time, I allowed myself to introduce myself to several character designs that were new to me, and I carefully eyed every detail)

[lindsayrises]

brain dump

This is probably going to be all over the place.

Things that are bothering me...

This morning a friend asked me where my “happy place” was.  It’s bothered me all day that I didn’t have an immediate response.  It has made me mad and sad that at the end of the day, I still don’t have an answer.   I think that says a lot about what I prioritize and how I live my life.

Sometime in January, I was at my desk in my basement.  I glanced at some cards I had been meaning to send out, and thought, “You should get those cards done.”  My next thought?  “No.  You can’t do that.  You have too much work to do.”  It has bothered me since I realized that I think that the ONLY thing I should do is stuff for work.  Lately I’ve found that mindset coming on with more frequency and intensity.  I don’t know if I’ve always thought that and just never realized it, or if it’s a new thing.  If it’s a new thing, what sparked it?  If it’s something I just never realized before, WHY and HOW was I not aware of before now?

Teaching makes me feel so...undervalued?  Like my time isn’t important?  Like I’m expected to do whatever it takes to do my job - and do it well - because of the long-held beliefs like: “teachers aren’t in it for the money.  They do it for the kids.  They knew what they were signing up for.”  Fuck that shit.  I am in my 14th year of teaching and SOOOOOO MUCH has changed in those 14 years.  So, no, I didn’t sign up to be all the things I’m expected to be.

What the fuck is like to have a job where you are actually GIVEN THE TIME TO DO YOUR FUCKING JOB?  Obviously I’m teaching during the day.  But all the other stuff?  For example, last night - outside of my contract hours - I spent over an hour replying to emails.  And those weren’t built up from over break.  Those were all from yesterday.  And there’s the planning, prepping, grading, report cards, meetings, and on and on and on and on.

Things I’ve spent my own money on this year for my students and/or classroom:  winter coats, gloves, masks, socks, shoelaces, water bottles, markers, crayons, scissors, glue sticks, backpacks, and more.  In my district, we actually get reimbursed for up to $225.  But that doesn’t cover everything.  I will also add that my district does a good job (in my experience and opinion) of letting teachers order supplies as a grade level for the following school year.  But some of those things run out.

This has really been bothering me:  After working a lot over the weekend, I’ve realized that a big reason why I don’t even start things (not even necessarily just stuff for work, but anything), or wait until the very last minute to do something is because of the negative feelings I have when I hyperfocus. It is maddening, frustrating, and almost painful to be sitting there working on something, and telling myself over and over again to “just stop.  It’s good enough.  Stop working on it” and feeling like I can’t stop.  I know rationally I can stop, but I don’t.  I know that my fear of wasting so much time on things (ex:  spending over 2 hours on slides for a lesson that I didn’t even have time to teach) try to make it perfect is a driving force behind why I don’t even start things.  I am truly embarrassed that I spend so much time on certain tasks.

I hate hate hate the feeling of hyperfocusing on something so hard that I literally can not stop doing whatever I can to make “it” perfect.  I know there’s no such thing as “perfect.” Perfectionism, procrastination, all or nothing thinking....those are fucking up my life.

I feel like I’ve stopped dreaming.  I’ve stopped setting goals.  Or, if I set any sort of goal, I don’t even really give myself a chance to be successful.  My mind tells me, “You’re not going to be successful,” so I don’t try at all, or if I do try it’s a mediocre effort at best.  Self-sabotage for sure.

I am well aware of patterns in my behavior.  I know what I’d like to change in my life.  One of the most frustrating things is that I know what to do and how to be successful, BUT I DON’T DO THOSE THINGS.  Is it because I don’t feel worthy and deserving of happiness and good things?  Is it because I think that my whole self (my body, choices, thoughts, feelings, actions, words - everything) is a mistake?  Why don’t I take better care of myself?  Is it because I don’t think I’m WORTH taking care of?  Lately, I have frequently wondered, “Why/how do people love you and care about you?”

Have I become so afraid of failure that I don’t even try anymore?  And really, it’s not just a fear of failure.  It’s fear of making one single mistake.  And it’s fear of success.  Yes, success.  I know what it’s like to work so hard for something and be successful beyond your wildest dreams...and then lose what you worked so fucking hard for.  

Several people have recommended “Atomic Habits” (by James Clear) to me.  I actually bought it in the summer of 2020 after the first person told me about it.  I started it, but couldn’t even get through the introduction.  I do not understand why all the gory details of the baseball bat accident needed to be included.  I started listening to it on Audible on Sunday afternoon when I was running errands.  I had to mute the sound a few times during the introduction.  Ugh....the details...just too much.  I’m only on chapter 3.  I listened to chapter 2 twice.  It has been so eye-opening.  This is what literally just popped into my head, “Ha!  You won’t do the stuff the book recommends anyway.  You never do what you know you should do.”  My brain is an asshole.

What’s better?  Small changes?  Drastic changes?  I don’t know.  I do know that THINGS NEED TO CHANGE.  The never-ending negative self-talk, the constant inner dialogue/chatter questioning everything I do, the negative beliefs I have about myself...I’m miserable most of the time.  I want to be and do better.  I wish I believed I could be successful at making positive changes.  I wish I believed that I DESERVE better.

[loki-hargreeves]

Bucky x Reader - She Will Be Loved

Warnings: terrible date (being ghosted), fluff, fighting (combat), being held at gunpoint, being trapped, hypothermia, vulgar language, mentions of death, hurt/comfort sort of, more fluff Word Count: 8,8K (I tried to keep it under 4K but I can’t control myself) Summary: You have feelings for Bucky that you have pushed aside for too long, in a fear that having feelings for your colleague would be a distraction for you as an Avenger. After a terrible date, Bucky comforts you. The two of you get cozy and you say things you soon regret. You talk things through a few days on an icy mission, when you get trapped together in a sticky situation.  Song prompt/Listen to: She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5 Author’s Note: This is for @nekoannie-chan​ ‘s writing challenge. I hope you’ll enjoy it! I’m so excited to write for Bucky again. It’s been too long. I’m sorry if it sucks, I procrastinated way too much while writing this. #bucketdeservesbetter 

THIRD POV

It had been well over twenty minutes since the artificial intelligence system had informed the people at the compound that Y/N had returned. Whenever the garage was used, it would let others know. Oftentimes, no one really thought much of it. The updates and messages from the system were something the Avengers and the other people working at the compound had grown used to. 

When Bucky realized that she wasn’t anywhere to be seen, he wondered if she could still be in the garage. Was she alright? 

He didn’t want to pry because he knew that her business was none of his business, but he knew that she had been out on a date and she had returned quite soon. 

Eventually, he decided to go and check on her, just to make sure she was alright. Whether or not he liked to show he cared, he did. Probably more than she’d ever know.

When Bucky entered the large garage, he heard the faint bass vibrations. Was she listening to music? 

There she was, sat in her car with a sadness washed across her face. She just sat there, leaning against the car seat as she surrounded herself with a minor tune. Clearly, things hadn’t gone well.

To make his presence known, Bucky tapped on the window.

She seemed to snap out of a daze. Quickly, she turned down the music and lowered the window, so they could hear each other speak.

“Everything alright?” Bucky wondered, already knowing the answer. 

“No,” Was all she could say. Earlier, she had felt like screaming her lungs out in frustration. Now she felt like one push was all it would take to make her cry. Why did everything always go South when it came to her life? Why did Bucky have to see her like this? Out of all the people on planet earth. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” He wondered and desperately tried to find a way to comfort her. Even if it was just as friends, he wanted to be there for her, like she had often been there for him. He was angry that whoever her date was had left her like this. If he had a chance to treat her right, he would never do this to her. He quickly wiped those thoughts away, knowing damn well that having feelings for her, his team member, a fellow Avenger, would only cause trouble. 

Y/N leaned over to the passenger seat door and opened it, “hop in.”

And so he did. Bucky walked around the car and then sat inside it, closing the door gently. It was just them now, where the other Avengers couldn’t eavesdrop on their conversation or walk-in at a bad time. Now that he sat in the car, he could hear the melody she had tried to turn off. It sounded familiar, but he couldn’t quite put his tongue on it. Bucky assumed it was a more recent melody. He had a lot of catching up to do. 

‘...I don’t mind spending every day, out on your corner in the pouring rain...’

“What happened?” He wondered and faced her properly. When he saw the glossy tears in the corners of her eyes, his heart tightened in his chest. It was terrible to see her like that.

“He ghosted me,” She cracked a smile but it wasn’t a happy one, “I waited at him for an hour and then he texted me, saying he couldn’t do it.”

Bucky barely knew of this man, but he already hated him. How could anyone ask her out and then not show up when she was already at the location? In Bucky’s mind, the man was merely a coward. She deserved better. 

“I’m sorry that happened,” He didn’t know what to say. Bucky used to be smooth with his words, but these days he found it hard. Luckily, she seemed to understand. 

“Well, it is what it is. At least I know not to contact him again,” She tried to see the positive side of things. That was an admirable trait. It was also why- in Bucky’s mind - she spent time with him. Despite all the terrible things he had done as the Winter Soldier, she stayed by his side. 

Y/N changed the song and turned the volume on a little bit higher, trying to fill the silence. By now, she felt slightly better because she wasn’t drowning in self-pity. But she was nervous because Bucky was next to her. 

Bucky, the man that made her heart do somersaults. The man she had dreamed of so many times but would never let anyone know of. It was almost like fate was tormenting her by putting such terrible dates in her path when she ended up speaking with Bucky at the end of the day anyway. 

She decided to add to what she said, “I’ll get over it.”

“It’s okay to upset, Y/N,” Bucky remembered when she had said the exact same words to him before. He often bottled things up, because he didn’t like to put his problems on other people’s shoulders. But she was always willing to listen to him.

“Yeah,” Was all she could say. She felt silly for being upset over a failed date. She felt as if she should’ve expected this. After all, she was an Avenger. Normalcy wasn’t destined for her. Despite how much she yearned for connection, or perhaps for someone to make her feel good for one night, it never seemed to go well. Perhaps some day she would learn to expect less from the world. 

Bucky tried to think of something that would cheer her up. “Have you eaten today?” 

“If you don’t count the breadstick I ate at the restaurant, then no.”

It was his chance to take her mind off of things. 

“I was thinking about ordering some takeout. It’s convenient when it comes all the way to the front door, and it might be my cheat day as well.”

The light lit in her beautiful eyes. “That sounds nice, Buck.”

She turned off the engine and the music stopped. Together they climbed out of the car and made their way to the elevator, that would take them inside. As the elevator doors closed, and she stopped right next to Bucky, she smiled. It was nice to know that he was there for her, but she felt bad for thinking of him as more than a friend. 

“What do you want?” Bucky wondered, already thinking about his own order. He had heard of a new pizza place that opened nearby and perhaps he could try their menu. 

“I don’t know. What are you thinking about?” 

A smug smile spread on his face, “New York-style pizza,” he turned to face her. “Nothing beats that.”

She should’ve known he would say that. “Why am I not surprised?” 

“What? You know I’m right,” He said confidently. 

All she could do was to roll her eyes playfully. He never failed to make her smile. 

“I can’t argue with you on that,” Y/N admitted. To her, pizza sounded great. Especially after the terrible date she had, if she could even call it that. 

                                           Less than an hour later, they were sat in one of the many common rooms in the compound. They didn’t have a mission for that day, or for the next as far as they were aware of, so they decided to enjoy the little time they had off. It wasn’t that late yet, so most of the other teammates were busy finishing their tasks, which meant that Bucky and Y/N had a few moments to spare just for each other. 

The pizza arrived and Y/N had already logged into Netflix to find a movie for them to enjoy. The team often found comfort in watching movies together, because for an hour or two they could focus on something else than their own issues and lives. A little bit of escapism never hurt anybody.

They decided to watch Focus, with Margot Robbie and Will Smith, a movie that seemed action-packed and fun. As long as it was entertaining to watch, they were happy. The main focus of the night was the pizza anyway. 

Bucky took a decently sized bite of the warm pizza, and some of the cheese threatened to slip off it and onto his lap.

Y/N, who was watching from the side, quickly grabbed the topping that was a second away from being one with his pants, and she ate it herself. “You have to watch your food.”

“How can I watch my food and the movie? I might have superhuman powers but I still have just two eyes,” Bucky explained the obvious. 

As they ate the pizza and focused on the film, time passed faster than they could comprehend. They sat next to each other, and Y/N was beginning to feel tired. It had been a long day and she had been on an emotional roller-coaster. Despite how fun the movie was, she felt like closing her eyes for just one moment. 

Bucky didn’t realize how tired she was until he felt her leaning against him ever so slightly. As he turned to look at her, he noticed that her eyes were closed. She looked adorable like that, but he wasn’t going to say it out loud. He didn’t dare to move a muscle, afraid it would make her wake up or move away from him. Knowing that she felt comfortable enough around him to fall asleep just like that melted his heart. 

It didn’t take long until her head slid closer and closer to him until she was resting against his shoulder ever so comfortably. At that point, Bucky swore he could feel his heart trying to beat through his chest. He wondered if he should wake her up, or if he should let her sleep. Would she be upset for missing out on the movie? 

For now, he didn’t know what to do. He grabbed the remote that was nearby, paused the movie and then took a deep breath. As much as he loved being like that with her, he knew it mustn’t have been nice to sleep with pants on, sitting upright on the couch. 

Before he could try to wake her up, the opened suddenly and no other than Sam walked in, Natasha and Steve closing in from behind. 

“There you two are! We’ve been looking all over for you,” Sam explained. He hadn’t realized that Y/N was asleep. 

She opened her eyes, startled by Sam’s voice. When she realized that she had made herself cozy against Bucky, she pulled away and felt her cheeks burning from embarrassment. How did she let herself doze off like that?

Natasha had a knowing look on her face, but she didn’t point anything out. They had definitely noticed how close they had been. 

“Why? Is everything alright?” Bucky ignored how startled Y/N looked, and he focused on what Sam had said. 

Sam sat down next to Bucky and glanced at the screen. “No. It was just weird to not hear from either of you. Thought you sneaked off without us,” he explained with a bright smile. 

Steve and Natasha sat down as well. They noticed the empty pizza boxes and drinks. 

“What are you watching?” Steve wondered. He had never seen Focus before since he had plenty of other films on his watching list. 

“Focus,” Y/N muttered, now wrapped up in a blanket. “I fell asleep, I have no idea what I missed.”

“It’s okay,” Bucky reassured her. “We can play it from the beginning if you all want to watch it too.”

Yes, it was fun to spend time with his friends elsewhere than on the field, it also stung a little bit. Spending one on one time with Y/N was rare these days. He hoped that she wouldn’t distance herself again after getting comfortable with him. She had a tendency to shut people out once they got too close to her. Bucky couldn’t blame her. He knew damn well how harsh one’s own mind could be sometimes. 

“Sounds good to me,” Natasha shrugged and waited for the others to voice their onion as well. 

Just like that, all five of them watched the movie right from the very beginning. During the entire time, Bucky and Y/N would steal glances from one another. They didn’t speak of it, but they both thought about what happened. 

It was funny when Steve would make supportive comments of the main characters, who were thieves and the others would tease him for it. Ever since his ‘language’ moment, people hadn’t cut him any slack. 

At some point in the movie, the main characters Nicky and Jess were in the car. They had just won a gamble, and they were talking about they had subliminally planted the number 55 everywhere. At first, the scene was harmless. They were having a great time, and it even lead to a kiss. 

Despite how much Y/N liked the movie, the thought of being kissed and held like that made her long for it even more than before. It had been too long since the last time someone made her feel such bliss. Her mind got the best of her, and she wondered when Bucky had last kissed someone. Despite how much she could tell about other people and read them like open books, he was a tough person to crack. She had no idea.

Suddenly the atmosphere changed in the film. Nicky made the driver stop the car, and he handed Jess her part of the money they won. They both seemed upset. When he implied that their ways had to part, as the job was done, Y/N felt bad for the woman. She knew damn well how hard it was to love someone when they were both on the same job. Feelings just complicated things. 

The man left the car and ordered the driver to take her to the airport. Everyone in the room watched quietly as he left, and she was left alone in the car with tears in her eyes.

It reminded Y/N of where she had been a moment ago; swimming in a pool of her own misery while jamming to She Will Be Loved, by Maroon 5 in her own car. Then Bucky had shown up. 

“That’s tough,” Sam was the first one to make a comment. 

Bucky had also thought of Y/N when he saw that scene. He wondered if that’s what she had felt when she had been left alone at the restaurant, waiting for someone who never showed up. Once again, he felt angry as he thought about the man who had let her down. He couldn’t wrap it around his head that someone was lucky enough to spend time with her and they would leave her hanging like that. It was wrong. 

“Why would he leave her? What a coward!” Natasha was irritated. She knew it was merely a moment that would ultimately deepen the plot, but it still agitated her. 

“He might’ve known that catching feelings for someone you work with isn’t easy,” Y/N let the words slip out of her mouth before she could stop herself. If she had watched it with anyone else, it would’ve been okay. But these were Avengers. Natasha was an excellent agent and it didn’t take a genius to pick up the trace of sadness in her voice. No one wanted to mention it, but everyone seemed to notice it. 

Why do I have to open my mouth? Y/N thought to herself and wished she would have disappeared into the couch. 

As if it couldn’t get any worse, Steve asked something rather harmless. “How did you date go?” He tried to steer the conversation elsewhere.

Bucky shot his friend a glance that told him to be quiet about it. But it was too late. 

“It didn’t even begin,” Y/N answered vaguely. She didn’t really want to talk about it. 

For the rest of the movie, she felt tense. Although she was sure everyone had moved on from that topic, she couldn’t. The moment the movie ended, she excused herself and rushed to the safety of her own room. 

The door closed behind her and she let out a deep breath. The day had been humiliating and all she wanted was to take a shower and fall asleep. 

                              A few days later, they had a mission. They left in a hurry, and they were filled in with the details as they were all geared up and in the quinjet. They were on their way to Alaska, where it would be cold since it was winter. In the remote wilderness, the satellites had picked up signals that weren’t supposed to be there. The code that they received from that was worrying.Tony even suspected that it could lead them to an enemy they had been tracking desperately for weeks now. 

 Y/N and Bucky were supposed to go in from the West side of the suspected enemy location, as Sam, Steve and Natasha would go in from the other side. They had the others ready for backup if it was needed, but so far it seemed like something they could handle just fine. They were unsure whether or not they had civilians locked up there, so they had to be careful. They were supposed to meet in the middle and take care of any enemies that would get in the way. 

Being teamed up with Bucky was usually fun, but right now Y/N dreaded it. Although they worked well together, she had avoided him since the movie night, in fear that she had made a fool of herself. Not only did she fall asleep against his shoulder, she also had to open her big mouth and make things awkward. 

“See you soon,” Natasha waved to the duo as their paths separated. Y/N and Bucky landed in the snow that was hard and icy because of the weather, the contrary of the soft snow that had coated New York. They hadn’t spoken much on the ride yet, but it was impossible to avoid now. 

From a distance, they could see the base. It was half disguised by the snow on the roof, but from ground level it was obvious. It’s like they didn’t even try to hide as they had their flags on the poles, letting anyone nearby see them. Admittedly, they were in the middle of nowhere and no random people happened to pass by any time soon. 

One thing was sure, this was definitely their base. These people were dangerous, armed and evil. 

There were a dozen armed guards on the outside, who hadn’t spotted the Avengers that had slowly crept closer and closer. Their weapons said it all. Whatever or whoever they were hiding was valuable. 

“It’s cold,” Bucky tried to ease the tension between them by talking about the weather. He was worried that he had said or done something that made her uncomfortable. If so, he just wanted to make things alright again. 

“We better make our way inside fast. I’m sure it’s warmer there,” She tried to sound casual - as if they weren’t in a situation that could potentially be life threatening. That was their life, their normal. She realized that her dates could never understand this. 

But Bucky could.

As they crawled closer to the base from behind the trees, hidden by the safety of the night, they noticed how small the windows were. They had to go in through a door, or somehow squeeze through the small, certainly bulletproof windows. 

“Hey,” Bucky wanted to face her. He was usually great at focusing on his missions, but this was his chance. It was just the two of them now.

Nervously, Y/N faced his blue eyes. It was hard not to get lost in them. Even in the dark, they were so bright. 

“Are you okay?” He asked her and felt his own heart beating a little bit faster. The way she looked at him was something he would never get used to. 

“I’m fine. We’re here, on a mission, where we belong,” She decided to stay focused. If she let herself  get distracted now, it would end up in chaos. 

Bucky dropped it. He knew that she would open up to him eventually if it was important. 

They were close enough to take out the first few guards. They would have to be silent, so they wouldn’t alert anyone. 

“You go in from the right, I’ll go left,” Bucky gave her the order with a soft voice. It was the natural next move from their point of view. 

Y/N simply nodded and got ready. She had to take down two guards. One was closer to them and the other one had just walked behind the corner, to the other side of the huge building. It was a perfect opportunity to strike. 

She got up from the icy ground ever so silently. Before the guard could notice her, she leapt at him without any hesitation. The startled man tried to yell, but she wrapped her strong arms around his throat and he knew damn well that one wrong move could end his life. He shut his mouth, afraid that if he spoke, she would kill him.

“Do you have a key card?” Y/N asked him and steadied her feet on the ground. She expected him to try and fight her, but she was prepared for an attack

Slowly, but surely the man grabbed something from his pocket. At least this one was cooperative, but it didn’t make up for the terrible things he stood for. She watched as he pulled out a few keys and cards, dropping them all on the ground. Satisfaction flowed through her veins. It was always nice to have something useful on missions like these. 

To avoid wasting time, she squeezed his windpipe hard and felt his body tighten as he panicked. Quickly, she put him out of his misery and dropped him on the ground. Y/N collected the keys and put them in her pocket, and then she made her way to the direction of the other guard. He hadn’t heard her, which was a positive. 

His back was faced toward her, and he couldn’t see or hear her coming as she sneaked closer to him. Once Y/N was close enough, she grabbed him from behind, and choked the air out of his lungs. 

This one didn’t comply as well as the first. He tried to squirm away from her touch, but she had a good grip. Suddenly, he managed to switch things so that they both fell on the ground. 

“Oh no you don’t!” Y/N groaned, annoyed that she let it happen. Then she rolled over above him and punched his face, knocking him out instantly. Once he was unconscious, she used his own handcuffs to cuff him against a flag pole. Just like that, she was done. She wiped the snow off her hands as she stood up.

She noticed Bucky had been watching her. Why did he smile at her? He had certainly been quick. 

“I got the keys,” She let him know and patted the pocket gently, so he could hear them. Taking down the two guards had made adrenaline rush through her body. The mission, despite its dangers, excited her. 

“Great. Let’s go, shall we?”

They made their way inside the base without being noticed. As they walked further inside through the dim corridors, Y/N wondered how the others were doing. She thought it was strange how little resistance they met. Surely, they would’ve been noticed by now. 

Bucky was thinking the same exact thing, which was why he was so cautious. He had been on missions long enough to know what when things seemed too good to be true, it usually was that way. He hated letting Y/N walk in first, because she was at greater risk of being injured. But he wasn’t going to doubt her abilities now. He knew damn well she was capable of handling things herself. When he saw her taking down those guards, he was still just as impressed as he was when he first saw her in action. 

“That’s weird,” Y/N whispered when she saw a door that was wide open. It looked like it led to a cold room. She noticed that deep inside the room, there were several metallic doors that were shut. They all had small windows on the top, but they were frozen so it was impossible to see to the other side. Were they some sort of chambers? 

By glancing at Bucky once, she let him know where she was going. He just nodded and let her walk inside. As she did that, he stayed on the outside to keep watch. Something told him that they weren’t as safe as it seemed. Call it a bad gut feeling.

Y/N noticed how cold it was the moment she stepped inside the room. She was happy she wore her winter gear, but the cold still crept through and slid underneath her shirt, sending icy shivers down her spine. Her breath was foggy, and the cold air hurt her nostrils. She looked around the room and noticed a surveillance camera in the corner, but the lights weren’t on. Nevertheless, she avoided it. Better be safe than sorry. 

That’s when everything changed.

One of the closed doors opened and a man walked out with a gun in his hand, pointing it directly at Y/N. “Hands up!” He growled angrily, alerting Bucky who had been facing down the corridor. Without any hesitation, he was ready to bolt in there and aid her. 

Being held at gunpoint wasn’t new for Y/N but she was careful nevertheless. It was a good opportunity for her to take in all the details she could from the gunman. He wore a white lab coat, heavy boots that looked like combat boots. Was he a scientist? Ex-military, perhaps? He was older than her, perhaps nearing his 60’s, judging by the grey in his beard and hair. His face was incredibly familiar, but she wasn’t quite sure where she had seen him before.

Knowing that Bucky was nearby made her relax as she raised her arms. “You don’t have to shoot me,” Y/N tried negotiating with him.

Nevertheless, the angry old man walked closer to her. The tip of the gun was shaking. Was he afraid or just cold? 

“Are you alone?” The man wanted to know. 

“Yes,” Y/N wasn’t going to blow the cover of the others. 

As if on cue, Bucky stormed inside the room. The man barely had time to react to it as suddenly Bucky grabbed his wrist and forced the man to drop the gun. As Bucky took care of him, Y/N kicked the gun away so no one could reach it and use it. 

Within seconds, Bucky had the guy pinned down on the cold floor, ready to break his windpipe for daring to point a gun at the person he cared so much about. 

As Y/N stood by, she heard another pair of footsteps coming from outside the cold room. When she turned to look, grabbing her own gun so she could defend herself and Bucky, she saw a masked person. They were tall, with a slim build. The mask was white as snow and it had no details. 

“Stop!” She demanded and pointed the weapon at them, but it was too late. The person slammed the metal door shut and she heard a click, indicating that it was locked. 

Her heart bolted to her throat as she ran to the door and tried to open it, realizing to her own horror that it didn’t even have a handle from the inside. 

The man Bucky had pinned down on the ground began to laugh, “We’re never getting out of here alive!” What the hell was that supposed to mean?!

Stay calm, Y/N told herself over and over again in her head. The others knew their location. They were going to be just fine. 

“The temperature will keep dropping until we’re all icicles,” He continued to taunt them with the horror of their situation. Why didn’t it scare him? Had he already accepted his fate?

“Do you have anything useful to say?” Bucky sounded so intimidating now, speaking with no mercy or warmth in his voice. If it wasn’t for the terrible situation, Y/N would have loved listening to his voice like that. It was undeniably quite sexy of him.

Clearly, the man wasn’t going to cooperate. 

And Bucky wasn’t going to listen to his nonsense. Instead, he did what he had done to the other guards and left the man’s body on the ground. He might’ve been unconscious, but if what he said was true, he too would die in this place.

Being locked up in a giant freezer didn’t bring back any warm memories to him. He walked to the other end of the room and banged on the metal wall. Nothing happened, so he hit it again, much harder this time. He tried to find a weak spot so he could get out of there with Y/N. Bucky tried the corners of the room, and eventually he ended up by the door.

Y/N tried to push the door open, but it was useless. She kicked it, and searched for buttons - anything - on the inside that could help them escape the huge freezer. There was absolutely nothing she saw that would’ve helped them. The room was like a metal box, which meant their devices didn’t work. There was no way they could contact anyone outside the room, and no one could contact them. The bangs on the metal only echoed loudly, but certainly didn’t help them escape. That freezer was built to contain even the strongest of people. It was almost eerie how much it resembled something they would find at a HYDRA base. Could they be connected? 

One thing was for sure,

They were trapped. 

“Well this sucks,” Y/N kicked the door out in frustration. Shooting at it would’ve been reckless, since the material would only make the bullets ricochet and endanger them furthermore. A rotten feeling bubbled in her stomach. If she had been more careful, they wouldn’t have been stuck in that sticky situation. Who was that masked person anyway? Why would they lock them in there, when one of their own was there as well? It didn’t make much sense. Perhaps these people were simply ruthless enough to risk their own in order to win in every situation. The thought of it made Y/N uncomfortable because it meant their enemies were willing to do terrible and unimaginable things. 

As she turned around to face Bucky, her heart dropped. He looked troubled, almost afraid. He never looked like that on missions. She realized that the cold room must’ve reminded him of his days at HYDRA. 

“Hey,” She rushed over to him. 

He couldn’t face her. Bucky felt his anxiety rising and he didn’t want her to see him like that, so afraid. It made him feel pathetic. Would she judge him? He quickly knew that she would never judge him, but he didn’t feel much better anyway. 

“It’s okay, the others know we’re here. I’m sure they’ll come through that door soon enough,” She tried to comfort him. 

Bucky knew that she was right. He tried to focus on facts, that they weren’t alone and that it was possibly to rely on the others for help. He had relied on himself for so long that it was hard to trust that other people could help him. Right now, they didn’t really have a choice. 

Her hand was right against his back, which was comforting. Bucky relaxed his shoulders and faced her with a gentle smile. Although his lips barely curved up, she saw it. Every smile from him was like a gift. 

They had to stay warm. It wouldn’t be much of a problem for him, as it would for her. If what the man said was true, it would get colder the longer they were there and Y/N was in real danger of getting hypothermia. 

When he looked at her, he noticed that she was already shivering. It broke his heart to see her like that. 

“You’re right,” He cleared his throat. The others would find them. They had to be patient. 

For now, they could try to find clues on the man who was unconscious on the ground. As far as they were aware, the metal doors were locked. Besides, they didn’t lead anywhere. It looked like the man had used one of the small rooms as a hiding place when he had heard them in the corridor earlier. What those tiny rooms were originally built for, Bucky wasn’t sure he even wanted to know. It looked like a row of tiny prison cells.

Bucky knelt down beside the body and began searching through his pockets. All of them were empty. Soon enough, he let out a disappointed sigh. There was nothing useful to be found, but it was worth checking out. 

As he faced Y/N the next time, he noticed that she had wrapped her arms around her own body. He too noticed it was getting colder, but the serum protected him from it, for now. He knew how to make her warm, but he wasn’t sure if she would like it. But if it meant it would help, he had to suggest it.

“You know, if we stay close to each other, we’ll stay warmer for much longer,” Bucky let her know.

Despite how freezing cold it was, Y/N felt how her cheeks heating up. She knew he was right. They could benefit from each other’s body warmth. 

“Bring it in,” She tried to act cool about it as she opened her arms widely. Bucky couldn’t hold back a smile as he wrapped her in a hug. It felt nice, despite it all. Awkwardly, they sat down on the ground and huddled closer to one another. Now all they could do was wait.

“You’re warm,” Y/N noticed. Perhaps it was because she was as chill as a snowball, she still found Bucky warm. She wondered if the serum made him that way, or if another person was truly radiating so much heat in the cold. 

Bucky was glad she couldn’t see his flustered face at that moment. Her head leaned against his shoulder and she was staring at the door, waiting for it to open up any moment now. He held her tightly and hated how good it felt. If only the circumstances were different. 

“It’s the serum,” He eventually replied. 

Once again, it was just the two of them - the unconscious scientist was left out of the count. They couldn’t avoid each other now. They had all the time until the door would open, to discuss things. Anything, as long as it would keep Y/N awake. The cold had a tendency to make people drowsy.

“Sam will never shut up about it if he sees us like this,” She realized, saying it with a hint of playfulness in her voice. 

Bucky silently agreed with her. He also knew that Sam knew of Bucky’s feelings. Sam was one of the very few people who Bucky had confided in. Sure, it had been a while since he told Sam that he cared for Y/N as more than just a friend, but Sam definitely remembered that. 

Feeling brave, Bucky decided to test the waters. “Why have you avoided us since the movie night?” He was fully prepared for her to change the topic immediately, and he wasn’t going to push her buttons if she chose to do so. 

Didn’t he really know?

Y/N felt bad for what she had done. She truly thought she had made things awkward, but perhaps she had been over-thinking it. 

“I thought I made things weird,” She admitted.

Weird? Bucky furrowed his eyebrows as he felt confused. He thought about it for a moment and remembered how she fell asleep against his shoulder. Was that it?

“What do you mean?” 

Y/N felt nervous now. Although it was difficult to talk about it, her feelings and all that, she decided to go for it. There was a slim chance the others wouldn’t find them until it was too late. The temperature in the room was plummeting, after all, and they couldn’t break out of there. 

She wanted to talk about things. 

“When I said that thing about catching feelings, and how it could make things hard,” She hoped she wouldn’t have to repeat herself, that he could recall the moment. 

It felt like a light bulb lit above his head. 

What was she implying? After pushing his feelings for her aside for so long, he was almost scared to even consider she could feel the same way about him. He had watched her go on dates several times and come back, disappointed. Every time, he was there to help her. Bucky wondered why she would put herself through that, but if she cared for someone, it made sense that she’d distract herself.

No

Bucky couldn’t let his mind go that far. There was no chance she cared about him the way he cared about her. Surely, she had been upset because of the date who never showed up. 

“Why do you see these people?” Bucky was genuinely curious. It felt wrong to question her love life. Nevertheless, he couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d do if he was in their shoes. He would treat her like the wonderful person she was. Bucky would stop at nothing to make her feel good about herself, to feel beautiful - inside out. In his eyes, she deserved to be loved. Even if it meant she’d find someone else. 

“I don’t know,” That was a lie. They both knew that.

“You don’t know?” 

“It’s complicated,” She corrected herself. 

How long had they been there? It already felt much colder and her shivering was beginning to get uncontrollable. Bucky felt bad for her as he held her closer, feeling every tremble of her body against his. What he feared more than that was when she’d stop shaking. 

Y/N’s fingertips felt like they were freezing over. It made her sick to her stomach when she couldn’t even bend them properly anymore. 

Bucky noticed that and he was quick to grab her hands into his, which was much warmer. His flesh hand was so warm against hers. Since his metal arm was quite obviously cold, he had her hands pressed against his stomach and he covered them with his hand. They were safely sealed away from the cold air. 

It felt amazing when his warmth spread across her skin. 

Either the cold was getting to her head, or she was otherwise losing her shame and willpower. Her heart was screaming at her to tell Bucky about her feelings. Other times she would silence that voice as well as she possibly could, but now she listened. Would it be so dumb? Was she imagining things or did it seem like he wanted the conversation to go there? Perhaps she was finding too much comfort in his embrace. It was bizarre how quickly she succumbed to the cold. One moment she was fine, and now she was trembling away in Bucky’s arms. Without a clock or anything else that made the passage of time clear, it was difficult to tell how long they had already been there. 

Five minutes? 

Ten?

“Bucky?” She made up her mind. She would deal with the consequences if they made it out of there alive. Surely, he would be fine but she wasn’t so sure about herself. Bucky was the one with the serum. 

“Yeah?” 

“Do you really want to know why?” She kept the sentence short. It was so cold that it was hard to move her mouth as she spoke. Inhaling the cold air, oddly enough, felt like swallowing fire. 

Bucky’s heart skipped a beat. He hadn’t expected the conversation to go like this. 

“You can tell me if you feel comfortable with it,” He hoped he hadn’t pushed her. 

“I am,” Y/N nodded. Her heart was racing by now. It couldn’t believe that its tiny voice was being heard. “When I said t-that catching feelings for someone you work with is...isn’t easy, I was talking about how I certainly don’t know how to deal with it.”

Bucky was shocked. Was he hearing right? He didn’t know what to say.

She decided to continue, “I’ve tried to ignore this for so long, because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship,” As she spoke, her feelings got the best of her. After bottling up her feelings for so long, letting them pour out was overwhelming. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes. She blinked, and one of them rolled down her cheek. It froze within seconds against her skin. 

“Hey,” Bucky noticed it as he looked down. They faced each other and all Y/N wanted to do was to get lost in those eyes. Why did they have to get trapped in this room? Why didn’t she do a better job at keeping watch? She blamed herself for being in this situation. The thought of anything happening to Bucky, and knowing he was locked there which certainly put his mind to a terrible place, made her feel so guilty. 

“I’m sorry,” Y/N said softly. She didn’t want to cry, but it was hard not to. Keep yourself together!

Bucky couldn’t let go of her hands, but he wanted to wipe her tears away. He wanted to hold her differently, to cup her face, but he didn’t want her to get colder. He just couldn’t believe his own ears. For all that time, they had both been hiding the fact that they cared about each other so much. 

“We can talk about this later if you want to,” Bucky noticed that she was struggling. 

She shook her head no, “If I freeze to death, you deserve to know that I really like you. You’re wonderful, Bucky.”

She said those words with such sincerity that it melted Bucky’s doubts. Although her words were slurred, he found the truth in it. He felt like the luckiest person in the world, knowing that his feelings weren’t one-sided. The joy was short lived as he focused on the other half of her sentence. The sharp pain was quite the opposite of the moment of happiness. It was bittersweet. 

“You won’t die here, Y/N,” he was quick to reassure her, although by now, he felt freezing cold as well. He wanted to tell her about his feelings as well, but he wasn’t sure how, when her eyes were closing slowly but surely. This drowsy stage was only going to get worse. 

“Stay awake for me, okay?” Bucky grew worried at the sight of her. Earlier, she had been shaking violently in his arms and now she began to relax. He knew she was beginning to feel warm, which was a dangerous sign of hypothermia. “Y/N, please,” He tried to make her focus on his voice. 

 It was so cold, yet she felt a sense of warmth coming from deep within her body. It came suddenly and it was almost too hot. A part of her wanted to open her jacket, but she knew better than that. Although she felt warm, she knew it wasn’t true. Her temperature was dropping at a dangerous pace. Bucky’s body felt so soft, and she wanted to stay awake but it was so tempting to fall asleep. It was hard to think at this point. How much time had passed?

Ten minutes? Twenty? She had no idea. It was all becoming one big mess. 

Bucky was terrified of how calm she was. He had seen enough in one lifetime to recognize these symptoms. Hell, he had felt like her so many times before. He tried to stay as calm as he possibly could in this situation as he held her. He rubbed her hands so she could focus on the pattern and possibly stay distracted enough to stay awake. Bucky knew the ground was frozen cold, so he pulled her on his lap, making sure she was as warm as she possibly could be in that moment. 

“You’ll be alright,” he reassured both her and himself. Gently, Bucky placed a kiss on top of her head. He wasn’t going to let anything happen to her now. Not now, right after she had found the courage to express her feelings. Bucky was going to appreciate that. Once they were warm and safe, he was going to show her a good time. They would be happy. Maybe it wasn’t the smartest idea to catch feelings for each other, considering they worked together, but they could make it work. They understood each other better than any strangers ever would. It would all be alright. 

                      “Stay with me, doll,” Bucky’s voice was louder this time. It echoed in the otherwise almost empty room. “We’ll make it out of here, just you wait.”

She didn’t reply, and it made Bucky’s thoughts race. He had to keep her focused, “How about we go out after this? No missions, no cold, just us. It’ll be fun, right?” He realized he sounded desperate, but he didn’t care. He was going to say anything to keep her there. 

Although she heard his voice, she couldn’t bring herself to reply. It felt like her body was frozen still like that and moving would make her cold again. She just nodded her head ever so slightly as an answer, since she didn’t know what to say. Indeed, the thought of going out with him sounded fun. It was all she thought of as her mind began to drift away to a much warmer place. 

He would’ve yelled at the others to alert them of their position, but he knew better than that. There were guards out there. Yelling and making their positions clear would blow their cover. Bucky had to act like he didn’t know they were out there, although it pained him to do so. 

They would open that door any minute now…

“Come on now…” Bucky groaned as he grew restless, worry brewing in his gut like poison. He knew Y/N was breathing, which was a good sign but it wasn’t so comforting when the air around them grew colder and colder by the second. It reminded him of his past. He had been frozen like a piece of meat so many times, just so he could be thawed later and used to do terrible things.

The thought of her freezing to death crossed his mind. Bucky wasn’t stupid or oblivious. He believed the others would find them, but it would have to happen sooner than later. She might’ve been an Avenger, but the cold was merciless to anyone. 

Where on earth were the others? Were they okay? Or were they trapped in a similar frozen over hell too? 

                       Despite how heavy her eyelids felt, Y/N felt the strong need to open her eyes. She was exhausted, and a yawn was drawn from her mouth. As she opened her eyes, she noticed that she was on the quinjet. Her body was wrapped in an emergency foil blanket and she felt warm, yet she was shivering. As she looked around, she saw Bucky, who looked sick of worry. 

It all came back to her immediately. The cold room, how cold she had felt deep down to her bones, and the things she had told him. What happened then?

“What’s going on?” She made it clear that she was awake. Although she was embarrassed now that she knew Bucky knew of her feelings, she couldn’t stay quiet forever. 

Natasha sat by her other side, “You gave us a scare, that’s what’s going on,” She admitted. “We didn’t catch the bad guy, but we have their next location and another team is already on its way. We, on the other hand, are going home to keep you warm.” Natasha continued explaining softly, clearly feeling relieved when her friend woke up. Seeing her like that, frozen over and unconscious, was terrifying. 

“We’re glad you’re okay,” Steve said from the cockpit. No scolding from him? Must’ve been a miracle. 

Y/N felt guilty for making them worry. “I shouldn’t have let the door get closed in the first place,” She sighed deeply. Had the others seen the masked enemy? 

“That’s not on you,” Bucky was quick to argue with her guilty worries. He couldn’t let her dwell on it. 

As they faced each other, it felt like no one else was there. Did he remember what she had said? That was a silly thought, of course he did. 

Bucky was going to mention it to her once they were at the compound. Not now, when they were surrounded by the others. For now, he just put his hand on her shoulder and tried to comfort her. She was safe, and it felt like a ton of bricks were lifted off his shoulders. 

“Next time, I’ll keep my foot between the door so that won’t happen again,” She was sure of that. Although the odds of stepping into a trap like that again were slim, she was going to be prepared. 

“That might hurt your foot. Did you see that door? It was pure metal, ouch,” Sam imagined getting his foot stuck between a heavy door like that. 

It was exactly the type of thing he would say, and it didn’t fail to make her laugh. “Always so logical, Sam.”

“Someone has to be,” he teased her and his words came from a place of love. “We’re all just glad we found you when we did.” 

Bucky was glad too. When they had opened that door, he felt a sense of relief like never before. 

                                         They arrived at the compound safely, and everyone was worn out. Bucky had offered to help Y/N and she gladly accepted, for once. The rest seemed to catch the hint that they wanted privacy, so they didn’t stick around for too long. 

As they reached Y/N’s quarters, she immediately sat down on her bed. She was so tired and all she wanted was to sleep, but she knew she couldn’t. Not yet. Her body was still longing for warmth and her mind needed rest, which she would find by talking to Bucky. 

He was running her a bath so she could warm up. As he waited for the tub to fill up, they could talk. 

“How are you feeling?” He wondered, taking in the sight of her wrapped up in her blanket. 

“I’m okay,” She reassured him softly. Perhaps her limbs ached a little bit, but it was nothing she couldn’t handle. 

He kept an eye on the bathtub to make sure it wouldn’t overflow. Then he faced her again. His heart was racing. How could he find the right words to mention what she had told him? 

“Do you want to talk about what I said?” Y/N was the first one to speak of it, to his relief. Was it so obvious that he was thinking of it? 

“Only if you feel like it”

She held onto the blanket tightly and stood up, walking closer to him. She had to go to the bathroom soon anyway to enjoy the lovely bath, but now she stopped so she was right in front of Bucky. His eyes never left her, and he looked curious. 

“I meant it,” Y/N confirmed it and took a deep breath. Being so open about her feelings was bizarre, almost frightening. But she felt confident because Bucky wanted to bring it up. Surely, that was a good sign, right? She searched his eyes for something that would ease her wild heart, or put an end to her worrisome thoughts. When she saw the hope and joy in his eyes, she wanted to melt on the spot. 

“Good,” Bucky couldn’t possibly hold back his smile anymore. Not only was he happy that she survived the ice box, he was ecstatic to hear that there was truth behind her drowsy words. 

“Oh?” She wondered if he’d say more than that. 

Bucky nervously put his hands on her cheeks, cupping her face gently as he looked deep into her eyes. “I was hoping you’d let me take you out someday. I think I promised you that earlier. Wasn’t sure if you heard me,” He felt oddly positive about it as he asked her out. Perhaps it was because he was almost sure that she would be delighted about it. There was no reason to worry or fear this anymore, and it felt great. 

Y/N couldn’t believe how lucky she was. Right now, she couldn't have cared less about the practicality of having such strong, romantic feelings for someone she worked with. This was Bucky, and he owned her heart. She nearly died earlier that day and all she could think about was him. Life was too short to ignore those feelings for much longer. 

“I’d love that,” She finally answered him. The look of pure joy on his face that followed was so wholesome. She wanted to kiss him. 

Before they could initiate anything, the sound of water splashing against the floor caught their attention. The tub was overflowing. 

“Fuck,” Bucky groaned and let go of her, rushing inside the bathroom to turn the water flow off. Y/N couldn’t help it when she let out of a laugh, one that was utterly precious to him. “That didn’t go as planned,” He sighed deeply. When he turned around, she was by his side and there was a look in her eyes he had never seen before. It was dark, mysterious and longing. 

Silently, she wrapped her arms over his shoulders and pulled him closer until their noses brushed against one another. It was long overdue, but it was finally happening.

Bucky closed his eyes and held her by the back of her head. Then he closed the gap between them and kissed her. Once their lips met, they were okay. It felt like a spark that ignited a great fire. Although her lips were still cold, Bucky knew they would be warm soon enough.

They parted the kiss, only for a moment, to look at each other. They were both in awe, and surely the kiss had wiped their thoughts clean. Nothing else mattered but that moment.

“I’ve wanted to do that for so long,” Y/N had to let him know. 

Bucky smiled, “so have I,” he murmured against her lips before sealing them into another one. And another one. And another… 

Author’s Note: I hope that you, the person reading this that made it this far, enjoyed it! You must know that fluff isn’t my forte, so I apologize if it’s cheesy at the end. Nevertheless, I would love to hear your feedback if you have any to share 💚 I’m definitely writing more Bucky stuff in the future. If you like angst, stick around. 

[jadedxrealityw]

-Surprise- Draco Malfoy x Female reader

   ♡~🐍~♡

   Request: Hi bb,, if your requests are open may i pls request for a fic where it’s the reader’s bday and she thought Draco forgot about it but by the end of the day he surprised reader with a lovely dinner where he cooks all the food? Just pls make it super sweet hehe thank u! 🐻💓

   Kody- hehehehehe okay okay. Sounds interesting. I’m going to age them up for plot purposes. I also added a lot of extra things, i couldn’t help myself.

   Warning: Ginny supremacy, cursing, and Draco being the absolute sweetest.

   House: N/A

   ♡~🐍~♡

   eyes fluttering open, you were met with no sign of your fiancé. Which was strange, you expected him to be there since he said he take the day off of work for your birthday. You prop yourself up on the bed and wipe the tiredness from your eyes.

   a piece parchment was laid on the edge of the bed in front of you. Grabbing it, you unfolded it and noticed Draco’s handwriting. Reading its contents only made you more confused ‘Hey, love. Sorry i’m not there this morning. I have a early morning today, hope you have a lovely day -Draco’ 

   your mouth twisted into a frown. Had he forgotten your birthday? No, he couldn’t have. He wouldn’t, right? As your mind continue to rationalize, you stood up from the bed and made your way over to your dresser to change out of your night clothes.

   you slip on some more comfy house clothes and leave the master bedroom. It was bit lonely being stuck in the house all day, but Draco had insisted he wanted you to stay home. So you were a housewife just without the ring.

   ♡~🐍~♡

   sitting at the table alone and eating breakfast you made felt more lonely than usual. Maybe it’s because it was your birthday. Just as you were about to take another bit, the doorbell rang. You sighed and pushed the chair back, standing up. You walk over to the door and open it.

   giving you a bright smile, Hermione waves “Happy birthday Y/n!” she exclaims and pulls you into her embrace. You smile and return it, wrapping your arms around the used to be Gryffindor women. She pulls away and you smile “Thanks, ‘Mione”

   she smiles and reaches into her purse, shuffling around before she grabbed a small neatly wrapped present. It was red wrapping paper with a small black bow. “This is for you! I was hoping i’d make it in time before work” she laughs a little as you grab the present.

    “You can’t stay?” you asked, a hint of sadness in your tone. Hermione shakes your head sympathetic smile on her face “No sorry, but hey you have Draco to spend the day with right?” she waves before turning on her heels and walking down the path, apparating away.

   your smile drops as you slowly close the door. “Right” you repeat her words in a bittersweet way. You look down at your hands at the gift and began to tear at the wrapping paper. Underneath the paper is a small black box, opening revealed a silver necklace with a small dragon. It was beautiful.

   you take it out of the box and unclip it. Reaching behind your neck, you clip the necklace on, the cold metal made you shiver slightly. It was a pretty gift and you would write a letter to Hermione thanking her for it later. Draco would of liked it, if only he was here right.

   ♡~🐍~♡

   slipping the black robe over your bare body, you turned off the shower. You slowly walked out the bathroom and made your way down the stairs making a beeline for the kitchen. Harry had gotten you some nice red wine and you figured why not since you were along anyway.

   As you poured the wine into the glass you began to feel bitter. Draco hadn’t talked to you all day. No surprise visits during his lunch break, no letters, no nothing. How could he forget about you on your day? You lift the glass to your mouth and take a sip.

   “Is the wine good?“ a voice intrudes from behind. You turn quickly and see the one and only Ginny Potter “Ginny? Bloody hell, i have a door for a reason. You cant just apparate here” you narrow your eyes and take another sip. She eyed you up and down before placing a hand on her hip.

   “You don’t look like someone who has been showered in affection and you definitely haven’t been getting railed because your still walking ” She points at you, laughing “Tell me about it” you hiss and take another sip. “I thought he’d be here considering he hasn’t been at the ministry all day”

   your eyes widened. He what? “but he left a note saying he had an early morning. Are you telling me Draco lied?” you questioned and her eyes go wide as well “Holy shit. That slimy Slytherin did lie. You seriously haven’t seen him all day, like all day?” Ginny asked, walking over to you to lean on the kitchen counter.

   you shake your head slowly. Draco lied to you? You felt your heart tug violently. Ginny looked visibly pissed. “Is that bastard cheating?” she said out loud. Your face contorted into one of sadness and distraught. She looked at you and shook her head “oh my merlin! I’m sorry i didn’t mean to say that”

   you waved her off and grabbed the bottle of wine, going to take a chug “yeah no we are getting you proper hammered, not whatever this is-” she took the bottle and looked at it, her face twinging in disgust “-what the fuck is this weak shit?” Ginny questions and you shrugged “Harry got it for me”

   she rolled her eyes setting the bottle down on the counter “of course he did” she shakes her head slowly. “Anyway, go upstairs and don’t come out until you look somewhat decent” Ginny says and you nod slowly before leaving the kitchen.

   ♡~🐍~♡

   walking down the stairs in boots almost made you trip, but you were okay in the end. As you neared the last steps you saw Ginny sitting on the sofa. You walk down and she spots you in the outfit. “Good. You look great. Let’s bounce ” She stands up and walks over, grabbing your hand. 

   “where are we going exactly?” you ask. Ginny gives you a wink before apparating with you. You blink a couple times and you were standing outside a bar “Aw makes sense” you nod and the ginger leads you inside.

   ♡~🐍~♡

   you had only finished a bit of your drink when your mind flooded with different thoughts. Was Draco really cheating on you? It would make a bit of sense considering he hadn’t seen you all day and had been a bit distant in the days leading up to your birthday.

   you hadn’t noticed the fresh tears rolling down your cheeks until Ginny tapped your shoulder “Hun, are you alright?” she asked, setting her glass of firewhiskey down. You shake your head, standing up from the stool “I just want to go home and sleep” you choke out, wiping a stray tear. 

   Ginny checks the time on her wand and nods “Yeah okay, lets go” she says and grabs your hand and off you both apparate again. This time outside the Malfoy Manor “Couldn’t you apparate me inside?” you question, turning to face her. Ginny shrugged “Sorry love, anyway Happy birthday” she winks.

   you raise a brow and look towards the manor, why are the lights on? You turn to face the ginger, but it seems she already apparated away. You sigh and walk up the door, pushing it open. Your met with a very delicious smell, which makes you super confused.

   you pull out your wand thinking someone had broken into your house, too cook? That didn’t make any sense. You slowly crept up to the kitchen and could see a shadow placing stuff on the table. You quickly lept from around the corner and startled the intruder- wait no it was Draco.

   “What the bloody hell Y/n! You could of killed me!” he exclaims as he placed the plate on the table. You stood there frozen for a moment before the metaphorical dam broke. “I should’ve killed you Draco Malfoy! How dare you show up this late!”

   Draco eyes widened a bit as he opened his mouth to speak, but you cut him off. “and don’t even say you were at work, because no one has seen you all day! So if your cheating on me just take your fucking ring and leave!” you shout and pluck the engagement ring off your finger and slam it on the counter.

   you look at the counter that had a bottle of wine on it and your eyes slowly trail to the table that wa set with a literal four-course meal spread on it, two glasses of wine and card that said ‘Happy birthday Y/n.’ you snap your head to look at him and see he was a wearing an apron.

   it hit you in the head like a train. Oh-. You slowly gulp and slide down the counter until you reach the floor and sit down in shame “This was a surprise wasn’t it?” you ask, not even looking at it and he nods slowly, taking his apron off and setting it on the counter “Spent all day preparing?” you question.

   it earns another nod from the pale boy, he grabs your ring off the counter and slowly sits next to you. He hands you your ring and you push it away “Love?” he says, a worried tone present in his voice “i can’t believe i thought you cheated on me, i mean how overly dramatic can i get?”

   “I mean- you are engaged to me and i’m the most dramatic person i’ve ever met” Draco jokes, trying to lighten the mood. You snicker, a small smile forming at your lips. He grins and wraps an arm around you “Don’t beat yourself up over this. It’s okay, i most likely would have overreacted more than you did”

   you lean onto him as he grabs your hand, slipping your ring on your finger once again. “Alright enough sulking, let’s eat” Draco stands up and pulls you up from the ground, he leads you to your chair and you sit down. He leans down to press a kiss to your temple, making you smile.

   “Happy birthday, my love” he whispers before taking a seat next to you. You look at the food, it was all your favorite dishes. He really went all out and it made your heart flutter. “Thank you so much. I really don’t deserve it” you forced out, making the blond boy roll his eyes. 

   “of course you do. Now hush and eat darling before the food gets cold” he grabs a serving spoon and begins to put food on his plate. When he’s finished you lean over and plant a sweet kiss on his lips. Surprised, he kisses back. You both pull away and you smile warmly “I love you Draco Malfoy”

   “As do i, Y/n Malfoy”

   ♡~🐍~♡

   Kody- uh, this took me three days because procrastination is great. I also went like a million different directions with is, eh- i’m not feeling to great about it. Anyways, peace.