#have i invented it to describe whats wrong with him specifically? ya

[michaelectras]

and what if i pulled out a special type of choice of object made by men and theory of psychoanalysis and made electra complex lucifer real. what then.

[book-o-scams]

Ed, Edd n Eddy Series Bible (1996) -Analysis-

You can all finally read/download Ed, Edd n Eddy's official Series Bible right here! Thanks again to Chuckletons for sharing this with me and to Joey/Kongiscool0518 for sharing it in the first place, the Holy Grail of lost Ed, Edd n Eddy trivia!

One of the first posts I made for this blog was the Series Bible page. It was a composite of every source we had ever seen reference the series bible so far-- storyboarders in interviews, CN's old character guides, and the biggest source, an old CN UK posting about the show. Well, I figure now that we have the official source, I better update the old page (so everyone knows it's out of date), and make this new Series Bible post using the official source! Not much new information, but I was intrigued to finally learn the true phrasings of some things we had only heard paraphrased, as well as at least one detail from the movie that I couldn't believe came up this early in conception...

Unfortunately, Tumblr has apparently updated its post system to only let me add 10 images? Gonna try and only use images for what I need since you can read the actual document above, I guess I'll transcribe it too for easier reference and so we don't ever lose some archive of this.

Quickly, let's review what a series bible is:

A series bible is how creators pitch shows to networks. They can be called “pitch bibles” as well. Bibles do not usually get posted publicly, because they are initially under a strict Non-Disclosure Agreement by the network; also the creator may simply not wish to share it because it reflects the earliest stages of development.

The pitch materials typically include early concepts for characters, locations and episodes. Sometimes it exposes secrets, in this case, Ed and Eddy’s home lives, and sometimes the stuff in it is completely abandoned because it’s so early in production, in this case, casual references to school and adults.

Alright, everybody, it's time to gather 'round and read the Ed, Edd n Eddy Bible!

THE YEAR IS 1996.

YOUR NAME IS LINDA SIMENSKY. YOU WORK AT CARTOON NETWORK. A FRIEND OF YOURS, DANNY ANTONUCCI, IS WRAPPING UP A SHOW ON MTV. YOU GET THIS FAX.

Linda Simensky immediately fell in love with this concept because as a child, she was best friends with 2 other Lindas for seemingly no reason other than the shared name.

I love how Danny decided last second to pencil in the correct names over each Ed, since they're arranged out of title-order.

"They're friends because they have the same name."

-the Logline for the series.

Fun fact: one storyboard artist for the movie observed that the movie is essentially all about challenging the series' original notion that the Eds are friends ONLY because of their name.

"A Danny Antonucci Cartuna"

-the label Danny used to use under announcements of new productions.

PAGE 1:

Ed, Edd n Eddy

They're best friends because they have the same name.

A gag laden, beat generated CARTOON bumper car ride of 3 misfit youths on a cul-de-sac in the suburbs of America.

Through summer vacation, part-time jobs, or just hang'n out at the corner mail box, they want to belong....but CAN'T.

From home chores, helping neighbors or eating jaw breakers, they want to fit in...but CAN'T.

Ed is into "B" monster movies, model kits and is quick to break out into rashes.

Lots of luck...

Edd is into chemistry, biology and prone to crushes.

Later...

Eddy is into pranks, is stylish and flaunts himself to the world.

Ya Right...

Ed, Edd n Eddy is a show about confusion and contradiction, that awkward part of youth, pimples, big feet, oily hair and... girls???.

Puberty is unforgiving.

I was fascinated by the lack of art on this page, it makes the pitch feel very focused. AKA logo in the corner, the title logo again up top, then the logline appears again below.

I really love the breakdown of Danny's vision of the show. "Gag-laden, beat-generated, CARTOON bumper ride." Very accurate, and I think "beat-generated" is the phrase that interests me the most. I typically think of "animation beats" as sort of a give-in-- technically all things fit a rhythm, so all stories are essentially just a montage of beats. But this does make me realize how important the strength of the beats and their rhythm are to the pacing of a cartoon and making you feel like "that was a good one." I feel like the "seasonal rot" viewers feel over the course of a show, and the way that perception differs from person to person, depends on the type of beats you want. Even though I am very into the experimental beats of a show in its later seasons, I can definitely see how season 1's beats are more typically appealing to a wide-audience, and how important a focus on that is to the longevity of a show.

I found it really interesting how the scams are initially conceived of here as "summer jobs." It adds to the sense that adults were originally meant to be present. Honestly a little surprised nobody with access to this bible had ever thought to mention that-- scams are not referenced ANYWHERE. Their image in the Series Bible is that they have summer jobs and help neighbors, which is certainly a much cleaner reputation than the Eds ended up with in the show. Makes me realize though, were some of the early scams, like Ed's Hive Bee Gone and their newspaper routes, supposed to be leaning into this early idea of them with almost legit jobs for unseen adults?

I was very amused by the repeated phrase that the Eds simply CAN'T fit in.

Loved to finally see the official phrasing for the confirmation that Peach Creek is in America. Not much different than I was led to believe, but still nice to have the true quote.

Also love Eddy being described as "stylish and flaunting himself to the world." The bold-print reactions to each micro-description is a cute idea too, I truly wonder who we were meant to picture saying those things in reaction. Each Ed? Kevin?

The "corner mail box" is an oddly specific phrase-- the Eds do hang around mailboxes throughout the series, especially seasons 1-3, and I believe the canon map does have a corner mailbox, but the idea that the Eds hang out at one specific mailbox went the way of Bro's supposed secret treehouses.

PAGE 2:

Ed, Edd n Eddy

Show Description

Gag laden. True cartoon style, inventive, non parody, fast paced, stretch and squash

Beat driven. (even when characters stop they hold with a bounce cycle. Adults never bounce. Music can play important part, not just fill.) But not a musical.

Cartoon surrealism. (viewers see the show as Ed, Edd n Eddy would, less important things tend to blend into the background, while objects of Ed, Edd n Eddy's desires are focused. Premise driven.)

The school year's over, (yeah!!!!) and the long HOT summer vacation begins (gulp). What to do?

Stuck on a cul-de-sac in the suburbs of America is the last place you want to spend summer break, especially when you find life confusing and contradicting.

Ed, Edd n Eddy is about friendship, and serves to remind us that they're no "good ole days," just smelly runners.

You can tackle anything, when your with your pals.

Their days are spent, for knowledge, acceptance and some cash for jaw breakers. Armed with pimples, big feet and oily hair the three amigos trek into the unknown.

Ed, Edd n Eddy are dying to be grown-ups, but they're kids, and attack adulthood as only kids would. Simple situations turn into a manic rollercoaster ride. (Don't forget your barf bag).

They just want to belong, and they're willing to pull off any insane stunt to prove it. First they need to figure out what it is they want to belong to.

Found it interesting that on this page, the show's logo is replaced with the title written in a jumbled font. Seems like the font from the show's end credits.

Hehe, the continued reactions to the descriptions. Allow me to be Double D for a moment and point out the increased use of parentheticals on this page, as well as one wrong "your".

I love Danny's insight that season 1 is framed by the context of how hyped everyone still is just to be out of school, but also the sense of pressure to make use of their break.

I really appreciate Danny getting further into the details of his summary of the show's style on the previous page. It only makes sense that he had this much of a vision that early.

A second confirmation of the cul-de-sac being in America! I'm also really into the repeated focus on the Eds finding the world "contradicting." I always loved how EEnE's inexplicable cartoon antics supported that sense that the Eds are highly aware of contradictions in both societal things and the actual characters.

WOW, so I'm fascinated by this dual reveal. Before the wiggling outlines, which Danny usually calls a "boiling line" and describes as a tribute to wiggling inking in early animation, the series bible instead refers to him wanting the characters to do the iconic Fleischer "bounce," which is a much more commonly recognized rubberhose animation technique. Very interesting that Danny decided not to stick to that. Did it feel too out of place? Or was the overseas team not willing to animate a weight-shifting for every single held pose? Haha, guess I can see why boiling was an easier compromise. I wonder if he had any other ideas for how to make it more of a 1930s cartoon.

The other reveal to me here is that the movie's choice, that adults don't always wiggle in the show, was an idea from the very beginning! I guess I can better understand now why it's just too difficult to communicate a stylistic choice like that overseas-- no point making Bro not wiggle, that'd just create confusion.

Also, really disappointed that my wish for a musical is officially squashed in the series bible itself. That's a tragedy. The show's over, ya couldn't let me dream, Danny!? Conversely, I love Danny's forethought to say "non parody," I definitely noticed and appreciated EEnE's avoidance of derivative parody humor.

My spouse had to point out to me that Danny probably means sneakers here, lol. Canadianisms!

The comments about the Eds wanting to grow up but needing to figure out what they want to belong to are so great and relate to the movie so well. I've heard those comments before, but the correct phrasing was cool to see.

PAGE 3:

Ed, Edd n Eddy (image of Ed in right corner)

Character Description

Ed

Attention deficiency syndrome.

He has trouble...

He can't....um...

OK, he draws all day in class.

When Eddy gets a bright idea...Ed's in.

Ed is easily talked into doing Eddy's "hard work". He has great physical strength.

Ed's happiest with his Model kits and B-monster movies. He draws his knowledge from his movies.

Ed smells. Flies are attracted to him.

Ed has sayings for all situations

ED: "you can change your shirt, and Bingo was his name..."

Ed's perpetually a slave to his younger sister's whims and whines.

Ed may have to baby-sit his sister, or let her watch whatever she wants on TV, or let her dress him up in mom's clothes.

Ed breaks out in Rashes. He's allergic to practically everything, especially Guinea Pigs.

Ed's Mom xerox's his sketches and doodles for her therapist.

Ed's Dad hopes to pass on to his son, his knowledge on "pre-owned" auto sales.

Very cute bit wasting the space at the top of the page. Danny seems very invested in Ed's personality already. The old sources we used to have definitely tried to condense these down to simpler blurbs.

Weird how Danny wants to essentially diagnose Ed with ADHD here (phrasing it very poorly, but it was the 90s and... Canada?). I don't know enough on the subject to debate it, but I still gotta point out Ed's canonical cracked skull!

Interested in the comment about Ed being most allergic to Guinea Pigs. I don't think that animal was ever even mentioned in the show. Eddy mentioned an old gerbil once....

Neat to finally have the real phrasing of the official word on Ed's parents! I saw someone comment earlier that this seems to be hinting Ed's Dad is selling stolen cars. I've never thought to question the legality of his apparent second-hand-car dealership (I imagined he works with Eddy's dad, who has received a legitimate award for his salesmanship), but those quotation marks are certainly making Mr. Ed's practices questionable! Best case scenario, Danny meant that more like italics or something, but maybe Ed's dad IS up to no good...

PAGES 4 & 5 (Ed's turn sheet and expression sheet)

PAGE 6:

Ed, Edd n Eddy (image of Edd in right corner)

Character Description

Edd

is really smart.

is really quiet.

Edd is unnaturally-- polite.

Edd hasn't been allowed to take gym ever since the Dodge ball incident. He's been excused to free study time in the library.

Edd doesn't like it when people touch his things.

EDD: "You may enter in my room, but don't touch my Lego robot. Thank you."

Edd's learning to play Peddle steel guitar. (his Mom makes him)

Edd's prone to "crushes". Girls in School, in his neighborhood, TV, anatomy books. He mails "true loves" his socks.

Edd is always ready for action, even though he can calculate the implications.

Edd constantly mumbles.

No one ever sees Edd's parents. They both work nights. They communicate to their son solely through Post-it notes. Edd's not allowed to touch anything in the house while they're gone. Anything.

Interesting how Danny slightly differentiates the barely-used space at the top here from Ed's description, to characterize Edd as more quiet and mumbly, adding an awkward "--" mid-sentence, perhaps to create the impression that Edd halts to choose words carefully.

Everything on this page feels familiar, from the character guides and other old sources. The most interesting thing to me here is that Edd's Mom forcing him to practice Pedal Steel Guitar is established this early, don't think I knew that, but I had noticed that it existed in his room from ep 1.

I love how the explanation in the beginning for why Edd goes along with their dumb schemes even though he's smart is basically just "he's always ready for action." ?!? I guess in a way???

That weirdly phrased Edd quote amuses me because it references Lego, just like the original concept background for his room before somebody nixed the copyright-namedrop.

Edd's prone to crushes thing has been reaffirmed over and over in character bios even though it really doesn't come up outside of the cupid magic in HPH and the pilot-episode heart eyes at Sarah that are barely canon. Still, I've always loved the truly disturbing statement that he mails "his true loves his socks" and how that managed to make it into canon with a comic book example, a cel animation example and a digital era example.

PAGES 7 & 8 (Edd's turn sheet and expression sheet)

PAGE 9:

Ed, Edd n Eddy (image of Eddy in right corner)

Character Description

Eddy

Exhibitionist.

Megalomaniac. (quote from his report card)

Eddy is the unofficial leader of the trio.

He's always got a plan, a stunt or a weird noise.

Eddy's the "class clown". He loves showing off. He loves being the centre of attention-- no matter how stupid the reason is.

Eddy is the only kid in his grade to have been expelled for aw hole week from school. It was his turn to set up the video for science class. He switched "Our Friend Yeast", for a video he "borrowed" from his parent's room.

Before Eddy's brother went....away, he enlightened Eddy with the "legends" of the neighbourhood. Eddy knows where all the abandoned tree houses are, which sewer pipers are safe to spelunk, and the secret recipe for the "El Mongo Stink Bomb" (it's been in the family for years).

He is the one who is most able to pretend that he knows it all... and doesn't care what anyone else thinks about him.

His genes are working the fastest.

Eddy's Dad is constantly concerned that Eddy may grow up to be a ...figure skater.

Eddy's Mom never believes his little darling was involved in such a heinous act.

Funny choice that Eddy's wasted-top-space is just two one-word descriptions, and allegedly lazily swiped from his negative report card.

Wow, we knew the report card quote and the "Our Friend Yeast" story from the UK show guide, but now we also know Ed's page says that Ed draws in class, and now I realize that Ed and Eddy have series bible school blurbs to match Edd's classic dodgeball incident blurb. Anyway, it's great that Eddy's showed his entire school some sort of sex video his parents have.

Very interested that the phrasing for the Bro/El Mongo Stink Bomb blurb even seems to suggest it's a family recipe. Eddy's Dad did have prankster stuff in his closet in JJJ... did Bro learn his prankster ways from Dad?? The neighborhood's secret tree houses have come up in other descriptions (at best, I'd say this could be related to that creepy shack the Eds found in the woods), but I think it's new info that Eddy personally learned the sewer routes from Bro. Interesting...

Thankfully, I had already heard about the Bible's awkward reference to Eddy being the most pubescent as "his genes are working the fastest," lmao.

Once again the Double D in me comes out to point out that the description of Eddy's Mom seems to switch to the Dad's pronouns.

PAGES 10 & 11 (Eddy's turn sheet and expression sheet)

PAGES 12-14 (Sarah, Jimmy, Rolf, Jonny, Nazz, and Kevin lineup of all 6, then 2 zoomed in lineups of the first 3 kids and last 3 kids)

(Funfact: the kids' designs were allegedly freelanced to an outside studio, hence why their refined later-season designs are so different from these lizardy starting places, lmao)

PAGE 15: (images of Sarah and Jimmy next to their blurbs)

SARAH

Ed's baby Sister.

It's her way or the Highway.

She has everything done for her, if NOT she'll "make" them do it.

She can be quick to judge.

Whinney.

A tatrum for every occasion.

More than a handful for Ed...or Edd and Eddy.

Thinks Edd is kinda cute.

Wants Eddy to MOVE...to another planet.

JIMMY

Sarah's best friend

He is always playing with girls, boys are just too tough.

He is accident prone, when ever we see him he has a different affliction, ie: band-aids, patches, casts, lumps...etc.

He is very clean.

The Ed's frighten him, "They're such brutes".

I'm surprised how much of the UK guide was accurate to what was really in the bible for them! Also surprised Danny misspelled "whiney" and "tantrum," one right after the other. Is this how Sarah spells them? ...Sorry, Danny, I yam what I yam.

PAGE 16: (images of Rolf and Jonny next to their blurbs)

ROLF

First generation of a landed immigrant family.

Nationality not important.

He's proud of his heritage.

He has peculiar traditions and/or customs.

He eats "weird" things.

He has hair on his back..... "yuck".

He confuses the Ed's to no end.

He confuses the other kids to no end.

JONNY 2x4

He is a wanderer and very inquisitive

From early morning to supper time, he is always outside playing, with his buddy, "Plank".

"Plank" is a wooden board that Jonny drew a face on with a crayon.

Jonny has wonderful conversations with Plank. ...Plank is a piece of wood.

Jonny makes himself very "accessible" to the Ed's.

Found it interesting that Rolf's bio is less clearly phrased than the UK bio set it up to be-- there they made it sound more like he mixes up who the Eds/kids are, here it's unclear whether it means that or (more likely) just means the obvious statement that everyone finds him confusing. If it's that, what a lame hollow bio Rolf got. This kid's based on you Danny, show some of that personal side!

Always loved Jonny's description, his life sounds so cute. Playing outside literally all day. Interesting to have it confirmed that Jonny drew Plank's face, I preferred to think the Eds drew him and sold him to Jonny, but whatever.

"Accessible" has always been an important vague description of Jonny to me. It really only applies to how chummy they could be with him in season 1, but it still sorta applies to his personality throughout the series as well.

PAGE 17: (images of Nazz and Kevin next to their blurbs)

NAZZ

She's cool, calm and assertive.

She is the most matured of the kids, or so she thinks.

She's into make-up and fashion magazines and Boys.

Sarah thinks she's awesome, wants to be just like her when she grows up.

When she enters a scene, all activity stops... boys freeze, they sweat, their hearts beat faster and faster. They lose their ability to talk. When she leaves, they recover and conclude it was something They ate.

She thinks the Ed's are funny.

KEVIN

He is cynical and sarcastic.

He thinks he knows the "routine". That's because he watches "60 Minutes".

It got a big laugh out of me that Kevin's description is only 2 sentences long. Nazz even has a more detailed character description from inception than Kevin. Love this for them.

Who's the Eds' rival? Well, he's cynical, sarcastic and he watches 60 Minutes, doesn't that tell you enough!?

I love the "mature... or so she thinks" remark about Nazz, a grounded flaw for her to have, being a little overcommitted to being mature like Eddy. It also perhaps suggests naiveté that makes it a little more reasonable that they didn't notice they were dumbing her down at the end of the series, but I do think the movie version of her better reflects the Bible's concept.

PAGE 18:

The Other Neighborhood Kids

Lineup of May, Lee and Marie.

The Kanker Sisters

These gals are tough. They bother, bully, provoke and bewilder everyone.

They live in a motor home park on the other side of the Cul-de-sac. The other kids have never been there.

They are proud of their Tammy Faye Baker memorabilia.

Their project "Cooking with Ketchup" closed down their school for a whole week.

No one likes them, especially the Eds.

They are determined to marry the Eds. They want them to do their dishes.

Amused that the Kankers are essentially being labeled backgrounds characters here, the role they mostly fell into in season 5. "Other" neighborhood kids...

I love that the Kankers have a school blurb to match each of the Eds', and that theirs has similar destructive-intentions to Eddy's video premiere story.

I believe all of this was all known from the UK guide as well, but still, neat stuff!

PAGES 19 & 20 (zoomed in Kanker lineup and their height chart with the Eds)

PAGES 21 & 22 (early promo art that used to be on CN's old Eds webpage, the art of the Eds eating jawbreakers at the end of ep 1 with the overhead text "Ed, Edd n Eddy love JAWBREAKERS!!!", and the art of the Eds all running with overhead text "Ed, Edd n Eddy see something shiny...."Jiggers." That weird "jiggers" statement at the end was normally edited out and I don't know what it means. Looked it up and it seems to be Chinook jargon (like when Ed said he was "skookum at X's and O's") usually said in the same sense as "CHEESE IT!")

PAGES 23+:

The rest of the pages in that bible download are from a 2004 storyboard test. The storyboard sample "It's Raining Eds," which we've seen some submitted samples of before, interpretations with Ed attempting to fly or chew gum and Edd making radioactive gum, I was surprised to find out the outline is just the original outline for the opening sequence to season 3's 'For Your Eds Only', seemingly Jonny was not written into the original outline (or was excised for easier testing purposes) but Kevin's brief cameo was. Now I wonder if they knew this would be used for a test when they wrote it, and if they would've come up with a less random way to include him if weren't forced to be a concise bit for testing's sake. (Your limit is typically 40 storyboard pages in my experience.)

I also noticed that in the included background references, the anonymous adult neighbor house next door to Ed's is officially just referred to as a "generic house."

My analysis ends here, but be sure to download that sometime and enjoy all the raw storyboard sketches at the end of the document!

[depressedhatakekakashi]

My Entry for the @konoblog-simps College Au event. I had to write this after moving to my new place with little to no actual wifi and most of it was done on my phone so...ya, that was fun lol.

Characters: Hatake Kakashi, Anko, Maito Gai, Uchiha Obito, Nohara Rin, Genma.

AO3

Tags: College au

Word count: 2791

Summary: Hatake Kakashi is a genius. Top of his class in every subject, he rarely ever has to put effort into his assignments, and as a rule he doesn't. Except when it comes to Photography.

Special thanks: @saudade-mayari and @punk-pandame for help me out by Betaing the fic i had to write on my phone mostly.

Biology had never been one of Kakashi’s favourite subjects. It was tedious, boring and had little to offer that challenged him in a meaningful way. Of course, that could be said about most of the classes that he took, but today’s problem was biology.

He’d deal with the other classes when he had to sit in them listening to the professor drone on about a boring lab that involved little to no actual skill and could just as easily be done on a computer. There were so many more interesting things he could be doing with this time.

Things he could be learning without having to cut open a frog just to get a good look at its insides.

“Alright!” Hearing Anko’s cheerful voice, Kakashi directed his gaze towards her. The only thing that could be expected when Anko was happy about something, was danger. It was what Anko lived for. The thing that gave her life, and today was no exception judging by the gleeful look in her eyes. “Let’s see what’s hidden inside of you.”

How she could have so much fun with something as simple as a dissection, Kakashi would never know. Though, at least she could find some enjoyment in a class that offered nothing but boredom for him and many others. So much fun that even when she started to cut into the poor frog’s exposed belly, there was still a giant grin on her face. An expression that made her look a little mad, in his opinion.

One that he couldn’t help but feel the urge to photograph.

Forgetting about the task at hand, he reached down to grab the messenger bag that he had set down beside his stool upon taking his seat and quickly dug out his digital camera. A small, simple camera that he had bought specifically for his photography class. Not a purchase that he had been expecting to make when he decided what subjects he wanted to take this semester, but easily the best purchase he had made. No 30,000 Yen textbook could ever hope to compare to the beauty of this camera.

Switching the camera on, he peered through the viewfinder and waited for the lens to come into focus. Just as he pressed the shutter button, successfully capturing a photo, Anko threw her head back and cackled. Even without looking at the LCD Display to see the picture that he had captured, Kakashi could already tell that it was perfect. With a look of maniacal glee on her face, Anko painted a delightful picture of the perfect Biology student. Someone who could find excitement in even the most mundane task set in front of them.

If anyone ever asked Kakashi to choose one picture to show people what a mad scientist would look like in real life, he would have to choose this one. There wasn’t a soul in the world who had ‘mad scientist’ down quite as perfectly as Anko, and if Biology class was good for anything it was showing just how much joy the woman got from things that would disgust or bore any other human.

“Mr. Hatake,” dragging his eyes off of his camera, Kakashi cringed when he saw Professor Orochimaru standing there glaring at him with that same unimpressed look he always had when he was speaking to Kakashi. “I think it would be best if you paid attention to the task at hand, rather than sneaking photographs of your classmates. Don’t you?”

Biting his tongue, Kakashi tucked the camera away in his bag and set it down beside his chair once more. It was best not to get into an argument that he was unlikely to win, even if returning his gaze to the poor frog laying on the table in front of him did drain all of the excitement he had been feeling just a second ago while holding his camera.

“Hey,” lifting his eyes, he watched as Anko leaned over the desk. That same joyful smile that she had been wearing while dissecting her frog was still plastered on her face. “You’ll show me the picture after class, right? I want to make sure I look perfectly terrifying in whatever picture you’re about to print off of me.”

Terrifying. That was certainly one way to describe her.

“I’ll show you after class,” he promised, giving her a playful wink. “Just try not to make a mess while you’re having fun.”

His comment was met with a laugh. “No promises.”

-----------------------------------------------

After a long day of classes, it was always nice to head out to his favorite café and get a nice cup of hot chocolate. An hour to relax before he started working on assignments, or headed to his part-time job at the university's campus bar.

Just some time to recharge after a long day of being bored out of his mind from monotone professors and lessons they always swore would require everyone's full attention to be understood, but never really did.

Today, he was not getting that time alone he usually needed so badly. Instead, he was sitting at a table with his three best friends, and the three loudest people in all of Konoha University.

Nohara Rin, beautiful and kind but with a voice that could not be missed by anyone. A trait she had picked up from spending so much time with Obito, no doubt.

Speaking of whom: Uchiha Obito. The second loudest student in all of Konoha University and possibly the world. Brash, knuckle-headed and dumber than a sack of rocks some days.

Ok, most days but Kakashi liked to give him the benefit of the doubt sometimes.

And then there was Maito Gai. Sweet, handsome, and always bursting with energy. The only person who was louder than Obito, and he made sure to leave no questions about that fact whenever he spoke.

How Kakashi had ended up with these three as friends he would never know, but he also wouldn't change it for the world. Even if his ears were ringing after five minutes with all three of them.

"How can you even say that?" Obito threw a hand over his heart in one of the most dramatic displays of horror Kakashi had ever seen. "Nutritional science? Better than theatre? Lies! Utter lies!"

"Maybe in your mind," Rin responded with a roll of her eyes. “Not everyone thinks Theater is the best thing ever invented since Dango.”

Gai wasn't so calm about Obito's response though. Not one to be outdone, he threw his hands down on the table and stood up in his spot so that he was staring Obito down. "At least Nutritional sciences can be used to help people," he defended his class with the same fiery passion that he showed with everything he did. “You're just learning to put on a show, which I'm convinced is a blood trait already for the Uchiha."

Kakashi couldn't find it in him to argue with that. Obito may be one of the most dramatic people he knew, but when it came to the Uchiha he was hardly the only one. Most days Shisui could give Obito a run for his money when it came to dramatic flare.

A fact Obito always got upset with him for pointing out.

"Kakashi, back me up here," Gai turned to look at him with soft black eyes that Kakashi would happily get lost in for the rest of the day. "His major is just...it doesn't serve a purpose."

"Someone has to be entertaining in this world, beast face," Obito protested. "And what's Kakashi going to say? His major is so boring he looks like he's going to fall asleep in class all the time."

"That's not wrong," glancing towards Rin, Kakashi jutted out his bottom lip to form the most pathetic pout that he could. "What? It's true! Today in biology you took a picture of Anko instead of doing the assignment."

Sometimes he forgot that he shared classes with Rin, but she always found a way to remind him, which wouldn't be nearly as bad if she didn't call him out on being a lazy shit like that in front of Gai.

"Kakashi, are you ignoring class again for photography?"

There was a disappointment in Gai's voice that he couldn’t stand hearing. As if he was about to be scolded for his life choices when he would much rather listen to Gai talk about how amazing he was.

But since he was now clearly upset with him thanks to Rin, there was only one option left to get him off of his back.

“I believe you were talking about how Obito's major isn't nearly as useful as yours," he offered, sticking his tongue out towards Obito when he immediately started to scold Kakashi for turning the conversation away from his own inability to focus in class.

"Well, yes-" watching as Gai turned his attention back to the conversation, immediately picking up where he had left off as if there had been no interruption, Kakashi couldn't help but reach into his backpack and pull out his camera.

Did he really need a picture of the moment that Obito stuck a finger out and poked Gai in the nose while desperately defending his major?

Yes. He did. Not only would it go well with the project, but the look of annoyance on Gai's face was priceless.

Definitely a picture worth putting in his personal photo album.

"I told you," turning his camera towards Rin, Kakashi snapped another picture just as she stuck her tongue out at him. "Tell me I look pretty in it."

Peering down at the image display, Kakashi smiled softly. "Absolutely stunning."

----------------------------------------------------------------

There was a process that Kakashi had when it came to choosing the perfect pictures for his project. First, he would go through his camera roll and make a mental note of all of the best pictures he could find. Next, he would transfer everything onto his laptop and then move the pictures he wanted into a folder for printing.

After getting the selected pictures printed, he would sit down at the small desk in his dorm room and organize them into the perfect design for his project. Whatever pictures ended up not fitting, would ultimately go into the small photo album that he kept under his desk. A book of personal favorites that he would look at on those really bad mental health days where he just needed something to make him smile. Even just for a moment.

It was a long process, but there was a reason he had never gotten anything less than a ninety on any of his photography projects.

Not that he really ever did poorly on any of his assignments. He actually did quite well on all of his lab assignments for biology and chemistry, even if he had a bad habit of not paying attention. It was probably the main reason his professors didn’t like him all that much.

“Still working on that, huh?” Glaring over at his roommate’s bed, he watched as the brunette stared back at him from over top his business textbook. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you put even half of this amount of effort into any of your other assignments, and I’m pretty sure those ones actually matter for your major.”

It was a true fact, just not one he wanted to hear.

He caught enough shit from Rin and Gai about his less than enthusiastic approach to his major.

“Don’t you have a small business to start up?” He huffed, turning his attention back down to the assignment in front of him. “Or did it go bankrupt already?”

“My business going bankrupt is as likely to happen as you actually telling Gai you have a crush on him,” Turning in his spot once again, Kakashi opened his mouth to argue against Genma’s frankly insulting assumption, only to find himself facing down a glare that could rival Rin’s angry look. “Don’t you dare try to lie to me, Hatake. Anyone can tell you have a crush on Gai.”

It wasn’t fair.

He wasn’t that obvious about it, was he?

“But that’s not what we’re talking about here, is it?” Genma continued. “We’re talking about your work ethic when it comes to assignments, and the fact that you’d rather put all of your efforts into the assignments for the one class that holds no value to your major.”

It was rather rude, Kakashi thought. First Genma called him out on his little crush, and then he turned around and scolded him for wanting to work on his photography assignment. Just because it didn’t hold any weight for his degree didn’t mean he shouldn’t put effort into it.

“Science is…” ‘Boring’ lingered on the tip of his tongue, but it wasn’t quite the word he was looking for. He actually loved Science, and had chosen the major hoping to explore a few different options after getting his degree. “Well, I love Science. Biology is interesting, Chemistry is a blast,” sometimes literally, if Anko was in the class with him. “And don’t get me started on Environmental sciences. I love it to bits. It’s just…the professors.”

There it was. The explanation he had been searching for.

The classes weren’t boring if they were being taught by the right people. Professor Uzumaki always made Astronomy interesting with her grand explanations and detailed outlines that drew his attention in. She never had any complaints about Kakashi not being focused in class. In fact, she had told him on multiple occasions that he was one of her most engaged students.

“Professor Orochimaru make’s biology seem like a chore, and the only thing interesting about Chemistry is watching Anko test the limits of just what can be mixed together without blowing the classroom up.” He was actually surprised she had managed to avoid doing that to date, given just how often she liked to experiment with chemicals. “But Photography is interesting. Professor Namekaze lets us explore things that we like, and the only restriction we have is the assignments due date and the basic premise of what the assignment is.”

This assignment for example.

His professor's words had been on repeat in his mind since monday when they received the assignment, and every picture he had taken since then had been carefully thought out to fit the assignment.

Though, now that he thought a bit more about it, he was missing one picture. Something that would tie the project together perfectly.

“Hey! Are you listening to me, Kakashi?” Picking his camera up off of the desk, he turned in his spot to face Gemma and brought the camera up so that he could peer through the viewfinder just as Genma tossed his book off to the side and started to crawl out of his bed. “Don’t you date-”

It was too late though. As soon as Genma started to reach out towards him in a poor attempt to snatch the camera away, he snapped the picture. The final piece to make the perfect assignment.

There was no way he would get anything less than a ninety-five on this one. The pictures were too perfect.

“Maybe I'll print you out a copy,” he teased, lowering his camera so that he could smile at Gemma. “You could use it for your tinder profile picture. Then at least all the people you bring over would know what they’re getting themselves into.”

The look on Genma’s face spelled trouble. As if Kakashi had just opened Pandora's box and released all of the worst plaques onto the world.

“You know, I have plans to hang out with Gai tomorrow,” Yep, that was definitely the worst punishment for his transgressions. There was no way this could possibly- “I think I’ll tell him about your little crush. How you can never shut up about him, and that dorky smile you get on your face whenever someone mentions him.”

Somewhere in the back of his mind he recalled a lecture from his father when he was young. A long explanation for why murder was wrong, and not a solution to all of lifes worst problems.

Surely this was an exception.

No one could possibly prosecute him for Genma’s murder when they found out what a cruel, horrible man he was.

And even if they could, they’d have to find the body first.

[essektheylyss]

Fanfic ask game for procrastinating on writing, that's what I'm understanding here, got it.

(tagged by @mllekurtz, thank you! these are super fun questions)

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

55! Jeeeeeez that's a lot.

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

295k. (Maybe it's because I come from the writing month world but that's the only stat I genuinely pay attention to lol.)

3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

In current times, only Critical Role—back in the day I wrote on ff.net for Heroes and Castle and a few YA books.

4) What are your top five fics by kudos?

before it buries me

This was... actually my first shadowgast fic! One-shot set right after 91.

now I will ask you to be brave

Okay, so, this fic. I will not describe it, as I don't want to get anyone's hopes up. I started it right after hiatus with lofty ambitions and promptly realized my hubris, and now it is definitely never going to be finished. I did not get far. My deepest apologies to anyone who has read it and wanted more.

seeing eye to eye

One-shot of the nein running into Essek's family, and Beau understanding him a little better, rich kid with shitty parents to rich kid with shitty parents. A very specific characterization of Deirta in here, mostly filtered through Beau's mentality, which was so fun to write.

not from the absence of violence

OLD GUARD AU MY BELOVED. I desperately want to write in this au more but have not had the time or ideas, but holy shit I love this au so much.

cruel tricks the gods play

Another pre-97 shadowgast one-shot—the peace talks go very wrong and Caleb and Essek end up pulling a Titanic on a plank of wood after the ship sinks. Very fun, very no longer canon-compliant.

5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

So, okay, I do not, but this is a Thing for me, because I have, inexplicably, deep panic about responding to ao3 comments. I do not know why. I can feel physical panic thinking about it now. I aggressively hate it because I do really want to respond to comments because commenters are so lovely! I think it is a combination of my brain not knowing the culture of ao3 interaction well enough that it seems alarming (thanks, neurodivergence) and college screenwriting workshops in which I was taught not to respond during critique.

In any case, I do not have the same weird panic about tumblr interactions, so I'm always down to chat here.

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

You know, for all of the angst that I write, I don't really write angsty endings. I think my two main Verin-centric fics (laid out one by one and this guilt-ridden heart) end kind of angstily, because that relationship isn't gonna be fixed in a conversation. But in general I think the worst I've got is bittersweet.

7) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I don't—I'd have to have a really, really good concept to write a crossover.

8) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not that I can remember, though who knows if I got any in high school. I'm a little impervious to flames anyway—again, workshop classes helped with the reminders that critique is what's useful, while hate is just, 'you can't please everyone'.

9) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I do not!

10) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I mean, not that I'm aware of lol.

11) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope!

12) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope.

13) What’s your all time favourite ship?

I mean, currently? Shadowgast. I don't have an all-time.

14) What’s a WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

sweet child. "Someday!" she says, shaking her fist at an unforgiving god.

15) What are your writing strengths?

I've suddenly forgotten every comment I've ever gotten. I am pretty good at grounded settings when I put in the effort. I think I am good at matching character voices—far better than inventing new ones.

And in terms of writing process... I managed to decide somewhere along the way that I like my own writing? Which is very hard, but also once you do that, it's a lot easier to just write instead of being hung up on quality, and it's then easier to notice when you're falling out of your own voice or when you actually need to rewrite a scene. I think I forced myself into this practice because I am soooo bad at sitting down and editing, so I have to do it as I write, and I had to get over the "this writing sounds like me therefore it is bad" feeling to manage that. (This has been my "love yourself as a writer" high horse.)

16) What are your writing weaknesses?

I think I overexplain. And on the other side, I lean so heavily into showing emotion via physical sensation that I forget to actually write the emotion.

And on a similar process high horse, I am so bad about feeling constantly like I need to write everything right now. This is primarily a problem because if I get too in my head about it, I end up writing none of it. I have not found a way to combat this, except to put one sentence in front of the other. (This is not helped by my ever-increasing pile of wips and ideas lol.)

17) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I patently refuse to do it, because I hate the idea of butchering a language I don't know, and because I tend to try to draw as little attention to the fact that a thing is written as possible, and if a language has to be translated via a glossary or something, it's drawing more attention to that, and even if it's something I'm leaving untranslated, someone who speaks that language will know that I have butchered it. That being said, I don't dislike it when I'm reading!

18) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Percy Jackson! I wrote so much PJO fic in middle school.

19) What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

what luminous worlds await, if only for the sheer enormity of that project and my delight that it actually came together. Though I cannot mention that without mentioning Icarus to your certainty, without which I probably would not have even written the former.

Tagging (and please feel free to ignore if you so choose) @the-littlest-goblin @mithrilwren @sky-scribbles!

[pinkysfaultorbrainsfault]

pinky and the brain: s1e7 - tv or not tv

y’all do NOT understand how many times i have tried to post this. tumblr just will not stop eating it. this was supposed to be out last wednesday LMAO i am doing my best.

episode summary: brain engineers a pair of Mouse Dentures that give him a charming smile. anyone hypnotised by these dentures Suddenly Adores Him For No Good Reason. unfortunately, he’s also a bit of a shut in, so nobody is actually going to see his charming smile-- unless he gets himself a sitcom.

....or something.

the rundown:

we open on brain talking about the “weird and magical power” of celebrity. he has defaced several women, and is sticking his ass out. as you do. what is he doing to CINDY! and her ilk?? he must be stopped.

“those who have it weild tremendous influence. few can avoid the enchantment of its’ spell.”

“do you know what gives them this power?”

holy shit. he just stabbed CINDY!.

pinky absolutely does not care for CINDY!’s fate. “haha. narf. hey, paddlefoot, do you know what they call a quarter pounder in france?”

of course, sirius black was not in pulp fiction, and neither, as far as i can tell, was he in france. brain silences him with “enough gay banter”, like he wasn’t just sticking his ass out in his general direction, like, two minutes ago.

(this was the 90s, y’all. gay definitely meant gay back then. this is not the faraway tree.)

“pinky! behold the key to the power of attraction!”

“pushpins!”

“hurraaaaaaaaaaaah!”

“no, pinky.”

apparently the key to attraction is a

“winning smile”, as brain points out, tapping on CINDY!’s poor mutilated face for emphasis.

“and a nice healthy gum!”

“and... a nice healthy gum.”

it turns out that brain has “taken this idea of the influential smile to a new level - a level no less than world domination“, which is bold words for Mr Tumble Dryer. to achieve this, he has invented

teeth.

(okay. so it’s a bit bigger than that. he shows pinky the plans for,

and then a prototype of, a whole machine built specifically to engineer him little mousie dentures. a lot of work went into this one. shame, really.

“when did you have time to build that?”

“while you were engrossed in your mr belvedere reruns.”

“oh, i miss him. ):” )

anyway so. brain puts his teeth in.

there he is.

pinky describes this as

“enchanting (’:”

and brain affirms that it’s supposed to be. apparently the “reflective vibrations” (okay) of his smile stimulates the medula oblongata,

“causing the viewer to adore me for no good reason!”

“zort! i’m adoring you for no good reason!”

(he does point out, while brain is admiring his reflection in a nearby bunsen burner, “what if they’re wearing sunglasses?”

brain’s response is “we’ll work nights.”)

still, brain can’t just sit around in the lab twiddling his thumbs and expect the general public to Adore Him For No Reason. he needs exposure! and as pinky ponders “what would mr belvedere do,” brain asserts that he would “eat some butter”.

“i’m afraid, my friend, that you’ve seen far too much of mr belvede--”

more like mr belvIDEA lol. sorry i’ll see myself out.

“pinky, are you pondering what i’m pondering?”

“i think so, brain, bur it’s a miracle that this one grew back. ):”

.....okay.

thankfully, the plan is not, in fact, to amputate pinky’s leg. again???? instead, brain intends to use a weapon of “great stealth, power, and corruption.”

OUR OWN SITCOM.

✨

meanwhile, at the wb studio, we meet jerry kilmer. mr kilmer is currently being harassed by some dudes who also really, really want their own sitcom. for far less nefarious purposes, presumably.

“so there’s this guy, right?”

“and get this! he designs--”

“BIKINIS.”

“TINY LITTLE BIKINIS. OKAY okay okay okay so here’s the hook.”

“HE’S PRETENDING--”

“TO BE BLIND.”

it does not appear to be what mr kilmer is looking for.

(meanwhile, the mice are spying on the acme labs janitor. he seems like a cool dude! but the mice are not here for friendship.

they sneak into his jacket pocket!

and...... steal his.... car keys? “YES. to the television station!”

✨

this isn’t even the first vehicle he’s stolen. hopefully he’ll have this one back by curfew as well.)

they do get pulled over by the police, but i don’t want to go into that. unless you guys reaaaallly want me to. instead, they park outside the studio and harass some poor receptionist.

“excuse me. we’re here to-- pitch. as they say. a sitcóm. my dear.”

i don’t know why brain says words like that.

“appointment?”

“oh, i’m sure you can--”

“work us in.” says brain. he is sticking his ass out for no reason. all the appeal is in his sparkly dentures, so.... there’s really no need for that, my dude.

✨

“you’re next! for no good reason!”

these dudes are still here. “wait!” yells our budding comedian, “wait! check out this idea. it’s about a guy!”

original.

“who always sticks his foot in his mouth!!”

clever. unfortunately, his demonstration goes wrong, and he ends up kicking mr kilmer in the face.

bonk.

gives him a nasty black eye to boot. ouch.

“ugh. can’t i ever just see someone normal?”

good thing these very normal individuals have just shown up, huh? nothing shady about these guys. “ugh, thank goodness,” says mr kilmer. they introduce themselves politely as jonathan michael charles (left) and jamal spelling (right).

“you guys have quite a look.”

“thank you.”

✨

“alright then. what do you got for me?”

“egad, brain.”

“he’s not adoring you for no good reason!!”

“drat.”

“well. we’re young hip adults--”

“and hijinks ensue!”

“who sit on a big fat couch and whine--”

“with disaaaasterous results!!”

“and have lots of generation x friends who trade zippy, sarcastic banter.”

“and i have a monkey.”

a very original concept.

at least, mr kilmer sems to think so. “hmmm. fresh. but tell me! what really brings you here. what are jamal and jonathan all about.”

“actually,  we are two lab mice involved in a broad and sweeping plan to take over the world.”

mr kilmer thinks this is hilarious, apparently.

these guys do not. but they’re not important, for the moment.

the long and short of it, anyway, is that kilmer can’t give them a sitcom because nobody knows who they are, quote unquote. “the day i see your face on the cover of peeple magazine is the day you get a sitcom.”

irritated, jamal and jonathan make their exit.

and mr kilmer laughs so hard at the idea of lab mice trying to take over the world, that he falls out of his chair.

this will become relevant later.

meanwhile -- i just had to screencap this, okay, because of brain’s face. pinky suggests that he get on the cover of peeple by marrying prince charles. and brain thinks this is a horrible idea.

he’s much more interested in princess diana. but no, pinky, the path he must follow is “the same one followed by the leading sitcom stars of the day.”

“i must become a SUCCESSFUL STANDUP COMEDIAN.”

“so hey, how about those mitochondria? do they have enough cilia or what?”

“hey, why don’t you tell a joke you know!”

this may be harder than brain thought. undeterred, though, he presses on.

“do you ever notice how when you’re looking in the mirror of a quadrant electrometre, your forehead seems large?? why is that??”

“i just flew in from cleveland! and boy are my upper extremeties fatigued by a buildup of lactic acid!”

“booooooooooooooo!” says our guy on the left.

“go back to your troll village, squirt!” says his friend on the right. “what do you say to that?”

“i find you repugnant.”

(well. that made them laugh, at least.)

“your stupidity is matched only by the ill-slipped caterpillar, that chews off its’ own wings after emerging from its’ cucoon!!!”

“in fact! all of you! are just a gaggle of pathetically misguided root diggers!!”

“why don’t you all stand under a stalactite and bellow the resonate frequency, causing it to plummet onto your cranium!!”

“you’re all repugnant i say!!! repugnant!!!”

and with that little mousie tantrum out of his system, brain trundles off to sulk.

pinky claps him on the way out.

“egad brain! narf! they love you!”

“yes.”

so then he goes on tv, i guess.

“our comedy challenger is the master of insults! the prince of putdowns! jamal spelling!”

“you’re all a bunch of crevulating nitwits with peat moss for a cortex. repugnant!”

i don’t envy that guy third from the right. he doesn’t look like he’s having a very good time. he’s sensitive about his peat moss cranium, okay? don’t make fun of him.

NEXT ON G, HOWIE TURN HOSTS COMEDIAN JAMAL SPELLING.

“so, uh, jamal spelling. what kind of stupid name is that? cmon? what’s your real name?”

this would be racist if jamal spelling was a human man comedian and not like, a lab mouse. thankfully, this is not the case.

“my real name is the brain.” says brain, helpfully enunciating the “the”. “and you, my unwashed friend, are repugnant.”

HA HA. HA HA HA HA HA.

“oh, you’re hot, baby.”

okay.

but we’re, uh. we’re not going to think about that, and we’re going to go look at the david letterman show instead.

“uh, my next guest-- paul, do you know who our next guest is?”

“daaaaave, i know he’s a beautiful kind of-- nutty cat who just got us all a-wow.”

“here he is, ladies and gentlemen! for your comedy dollar, jamal spelling!!”

jamal spelling appears to be naked.

but he’s funny, so nobody minds.

“somebody here smells like a coagulated agar slant growing in a petri dish. repugnant!”

see! he’s just too comedy for clothes.

(meanwhile, we take a short trip to the office of janet mekko. “welcome, mr kilmer,” she says.

“my... secretary sent me here-- actually, i feel kind of stupid.”

“oh, honey. that’s a good thing! if there weren’t any stupid people, i wouldn’t have any business.”

“now. ya got some paaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiin.”

(in the distance, dan reynolds - at the tender age of eight - mumbles “you made me a, you made me a believer” in his sleep.)

“yeah.” says mr kilmer, completely unaware of this. “i fell out of my chair.”

“i’m gonna hypnotise you, so relax.”

okay.

“this’ll make you sleepy.”

“what is it?”

“a kenny g album.”

“okay. you’re in a trance. i’m gonna give you a random word. if you feel pain, say that word, you’ll feel good.”

“but careful! cause if you say it when you’re feeling good, the pain will come back! bad.”

spooky.

“and your random word is--”

“repugnant.”

there is, of course, absolutely no way this can go wrong.)

let us turn our view to happier pastures. namely, the mice are watching tv.

TONIGHT ON CIRCUS OF THE STARS

HARRY DEAN ANDERSON GETS SHOT OUT OF A GIANT PASTA MAKER

COMEDIAN JAMAL SPELLING FLIES THE TRAPEZE

AND BOB SAGET GETS TRAMPLED BY A BEAR. we hope.

pinky is elated! “egad, brain! circus of the stars! narf! you’ve really made it!”

pinky wants to be on circus of the stars, don’t you know. unfortunately, as he dutifully informs brain in pretty much the same breath, he hasn’t quite made it into peeple magazine yet.

“hm. it’s time to use plan b, pinky.”

“there was an a?? poit.”

ouch. jesus, pinky.

undeterred, brain marches his merry little ass over to the old timey corded phone.

beep.

“yes, connect me with buckinham palace, please.”

“egad! you did it brain! the cover of peeple!”

rule britannia is playing in the background of this scene. let’s... not think too hard about how this works, and agree that, yes, pauly shore, enough.

no more pauly shore, please.

conclusion:

jerry keeps his word, and, upon learning that jamal spelling is now legally married to princess diana (a fact which would certainly not lead to a warrant for his arrest in a couple of years) he asks him for a demo tape.

for such small hands, jamal sure does have very neat handwriting.

“make me laugh, jamal, and you got yourself a sitcom.”

“why don’t you all stand under a stalactite and bellow the resonate frequency, causing it to plummet onto your cranium!!”

he seems to like it! kilmer makes a little hee hee noise, unprepared for where this is undoubtedly going.

“you’re repungnant!”

“AAUGHGHGHHH.”

there it is.

“repugnant!”

“i say repugnant!”

repugnant repugnant repugnant repugnant

repugnant!

and with that, jerry kilmer falls out of the window.

as he does, he yells “i’ll get you, jamal spelling” which personally i think is unfair. jamal couldn’t have known, surely? don’t be mean to jamal. he’s got a lot on his mind, what with that restraining order against howie turn.

meanwhile, in the lab, the mice debate a good pitch for a pilot (i’ve got it, brain! it’s a show about nothing!) when jamal spelling gets a call.

“hi jamal! this is nina from the tv station. could you come down for a meeting?”

“mm hmmm.”

✨

it’s the WB.

as nina types away, jamal and jonathan enter casually, like this is their house, or something. “are you pleased to see us?” asks jamal, in a cocky, egomaniac labmouse sort of way.”

“yes i am!”

(nina somehow doesn’t notice.)

anyway then these guys find the dentures and pitch the first idea that comes into their heads.

“hey cortex! what do you wanna do tonight?”

don’t ask why mouse dentures fit a human man. we suspend our disbelief here.

(also there was no way this was brain’s fault. he couldn’t have known. outside influence it is. a shame, really.)

brain: 7 pinky: 7 outside influence: 14

thanks for the fun meme, @shuunthenonbeliever​ !

[mistiedwagonfyre]

M(erry) Monday: Just Some Get to Know You Stuff...

So I got these from moonysmind so I should probably @ them... 

@moonysmind-blog

Ok, let's get this party started! 

1. Do you prefer writing with black or blue pen?

Blue if I'm writing something, black if I'm outlining a paper. But overall, black pens are my go-to just because I have more of them. I seriously need to stock up on blue pens... Also, who uses a red pen for anything other than corrections just because that's the way they've been taught? 

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or the city?

The Country. Or somewhere in the middle. I just feel like I'd be able to manage less people over more people and get to know them more personally. And, let's be honest, the country has gorgeous skies and sprawling fields and meadows. And it feels like you could take a deep breath and just absorb the atmosphere. 

3. If you could learn a new skill, what would it be?

Balance. It would help in everything because yours truly is a ball of clumsy fluff.

4. Do you drink your tea or coffee with sugar?

Heh, I drink hot chocolate with marshmallows so...

5. What was your favourite book as a child?

Anything I could get my hands on. I. Love. Books. My favorite series as a kindergartener was the Magic Tree House tho.

6. Do you prefer baths or showers?

Depends on my mood. Baths are for when I've got tons of time to just relax  and get my mind off things and showers remind me of rain and I love them too. I take showers more often but that doesn't mean anything.

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which would you choose?

This is a hard one cuz I love all things mystical and magical... 

My immediate thought was a dragon but they get killed a lot in the myths and they're almost always stuck guarding something. Then I was like, ok then. What about a phoenix? So ya, I'd be a phoenix. Don't get me wrong, I'd totally go with all the mythical creatures and just cycle through them all, just if I had to choose just one it'd be a phoenix. Maybe, since I'd technically live forever, I could meet every single mythical creature ever. That'd be pwetty cool...

8. Do you prefer reading paper or electronic books?

Paper. It's what I've grown up with. I know, classy me. Also, there is nothing quite like the smell of a new book. Just sayin'.

9. What is your favourite item of clothing?

Punny t-shirts. All I'm gonna say.

10. Do you like your name? Would you ever change it?

Yes. If I had to change it, I'd love to be Reyna or Luna. Otherwise, I'm keeping it.

11. Who is a mentor to you?

Mostly myself. I taught myself to draw, anyhow. If not me, my mom or my newest art teacher or my neighbor. 

12. Would you ever want to be famous? If so, what for?

Yes and no. I want to inspire people (whether with art or my quirky personality) but don't want the pressure that popularity and fame brings. 

13. Are you a restless sleeper? 

If being a night owl counts as restless, then yes. If being a deep sleeper when I am actually asleep doesn't, then no.

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic?

Considering I like guys who are chivalrous and funny... yes?

15. Which element best represents you?

Water. I'm chill until all my suppressed emotions rush out. You can't hold back the ocean forever. And you can't prevent the inevitable: Me being weird. Just ask my sister, she thinks I'm insane (which is probably accurate). Also, I may seem shallow on the surface, but I can actually be very deep sometimes. I could go on and on about my relationship with water, but that's a tale for another time.

16. Who do you want to be closer to?

Everyone. I love strengthening relationships with people. It makes the group stronger as a whole.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment?

Always.

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory.

I'd love too, but then storyteller Mistie will appear and this list will become infinitely longer. You'll have to ask me in my questions tab if you really want to hear one. 

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten?

Can't decide which is weirder: Watermelon with taco seasoning or raw onion with mustard... Both are equally delicious in the summertime at a BBQ.

20. What can you see outside your bedroom window?

A ladder, some rocks, and a dead vole. My old room had a much better view... 

21. What are you most thankful for?

My Savior

22. Do you like spicy food?

Not particularly, no. 

23. Have you ever met someone famous?

Alex Boyé. He went to a really unsanitary restaurant before he came to our house one time and puked all over our newly waxed floors. I feel bad for him. Everyone but him knew not to eat at that runofthemill A&W on the way up. He still put on a mini concert for us tho and that was pretty considerate of him, because he did it even though he can't have felt like doing it.

24. Do you keep a diary or journal?

Yup. I've got entries from back in kindergarten, amazingly. Granted, back then I wrote in pictures.

25. Do you prefer to use pen or pencil?

Pencil. I'm human, I make mistakes.

26. What is your star sign?

Well, I was a Pisces. But then they discovered that there are more stars in the sky, just like there are more fishes in the sea, and just bunched a bunch of Pisces together so now I'm Aquarius. I'm still a Pisces at heart tho.

27. Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy?

Crunchy. Better texture. Soggy cereal is oatmeal in my mind and if you want oatmeal, you actually make oatmeal, not let your cereal sit out for who knows how long. 

28. What would you want your legacy to be?

Legacy is a tricky thing. You've gotta know what people are gonna think of you down the line. I want mine to be simple: she wasn't afraid of who she was and what others would think of that. She was herself, and that's all that matters. I feel like that's the best legacy I could have for the future generations who will grow up in a world of trial and tribulation.

29. Do you like reading? What was the last thing you read?

ABSOLUTELY! I just finished Lodestar from Keeper of the Lost Cities. I shoulda read these books years ago but they're still fan-freaking-tastic! 

30. How do you show someone you love them?

I guess my love language is acts of service or whatever. So I'd probably serve them and do tons of sweet things for them. 

31. Do you like ice in your drinks?

No, it makes it all watery. Blegh.

32. What are you afraid of?

Lots of things. I just only realize when they come along and forget what they are afterwards. Sure, it may seem nice, but it makes the terror of coming into contact with them once more infinitely more terrorizing. But bugs are extremely horrifying. And so are arachnids.

33. What is your favourite scent?

Rain with freshly mowed grass and newly printed books at a campfire with Smores by the seashore. No one will ever be able to create this magnificent scent. 

34. Do you address older people by their first or last name?

Depends on how close we are.

35. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life?

Does this mean that everything is free? Well I'm gonna stockpile food and stuff and then ship them off to 3rd world countries. I'd try to save as many lives as possible. Or I could go there in person to deliver said goods... Yup. I've decided that that's what I'm gonna do!

36. Do you prefer swimming in pools or in the ocean?

Pools have a veil of safety but the ocean is much more beautiful and alive. Also, the smell of chlorine is gross. And the taste. Blegh.

37. What would you do if you found $50 on the ground?

If it looks old and worn and dirty like it's been there a while, imma take it. Chances are whoever lost it has been long gone so I can actually take that $50 w/o feeling guilty. Otherwise I'd leave it there.

38. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish?

Heh, I used to wish on airplanes, satellites, and planets because I thought they were 'special stars'.

39. What is one thing you would want to teach your children?

To be kind, even when it is inconvenient. I don't know how many times someone has held the door open for me even when it seemed much more convenient for them to just go inside where it is warm and just let me open the stupid door on my own. 

Maybe I'd teach them that even the smallest acts can have the biggest impact. One of the two. Probably both.

40. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it?

Heh, you're talkin' to the girl who doesn't want her ears pierced. No way in heck am I getting a tattoo.

41. What can you hear right now?

Music and the sound of my thoughts.

42. Where do you feel the safest?

In a book.

43. What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer?

Darkness and fear.

44. If you could travel back to any era, which would you choose?

The one with Michelangelo, Leonardo, and all those other guys that the ninja turtles were named after.

45. What is your most used emoji?

It's not even an emoji. It is literally XD. Either that or (^^) 

46. What is your favourite season? Why?

Torn between winter (snow), spring (life coming into bloom), and fall (all the pwetty colors).

47. How would you spend your ideal day?

On a window seat during a thunderstorm either sketching or reading a book all wrapped up in a blanket. Preferably with a cat. Sipping warm apple cider or hot chocolate with marshmallows.

48. Describe yourself using one word.

Me.

49. What do you regret the most?

Not realizing certain things sooner.

50. Invent your own word. What does it mean?

Crushyblushy (adj. n.)

The general mannerisms an individual enacts around people that they like (specifically in crush and/or love situations).

syn: awkward, quirky, shy, blushy

ant: confident, flirty, aplomb, able

[sunnysynthsunshine]

7th Comedy Monologue

“Hey my Cheese bags I’m back from my adventure in 1985”

“No joke if you look it up

the timeframe of days for each month this year

are the exact same as they were in 1985”

So all this “80s revival stuff” with Duran Duran and Depeche Mode touring, Petshop Boys releasing a new album, a new generation falling in love with Queen and She-Ra while the world is being messed up by a tyrannical iron lady and a talking tangerine makes a bit of sense doesn’t it?”

Even though I was born in the 2000s I’ve always loved most of the media from that decade, the gothic and upbeat synthesizer music,the cheaply made but entertaining cartoons,the video games,the basic but stylish fashion,the musicals and John Hughes films,the mix of music genres in the charts,Goth,Synth,Punk,2 Tone,Post-Punk,New Wave,Glam Metal,Alternative,Shoegaze,Hip Hop,Electronica

I was watching Saved by the Bell  before Netflix even existed

Then again a lot of the shows from then were also being revived back in my day

Dal Winton was presenting game shows, Pingu replaced the scary walrus monsters with rap music, I watched or had VHS tapes of the Muppet show, Noddy, Postman Pat and Scooby Doo.

Scooby-Doo! Now that’s a show that never gets old because it never changes, anyone regardless of what generation they’re from would be able to tell you

“Oh Yeah, I remember Scooby Doo”

When you think about it Scooby Doo is quite philosophical

we are all just a gang going on our own adventures

that and the first few live-action movies are modern masterpieces

I was just browsing Twitter or Tumblr or literally anywhere on the internet only to see that screencaps were taken from the live action Scooby Doo interviews had turned into memes

*ahem*

Well,I was auditioning for the role of Velma, I could sense from the way Matthew Lillard just fully encompassed the role of Shaggy, it felt like he was Shaggy, he was our saviour as he felt his spiritual energy increase, that’s when I knew we were working with a legend

Something like that although Matthew isn’t too fond of the memes himself specifically the ones where his spiritual connections are described more like demon possession rituals

*ahem*

“Being Shaggy has led me down a path of death and destruction. I’ve killed many mortals in hope of replicating 1% of Shaggy’s being, by the end of filming I hope to become one with him”

In which Matthew responded with

*deadpan voice*

This is wrong

I mean I might also have inspirations where I feel like I can philosophically connect with them, in their performing style and personality but that’s where I draw the line

Personality?  That’s a tricky subject

You could say some people have consistent personalities

People said Freddie Mercury and David Bowie were party animals who were incredible on stage with their charisma, creativity and charm but other sources have said they were relaxed, laid back people who were shy when being interviewed.

That could just be the contrast between their onstage and offstage personas but not all of us have that, even if we are all  just actors in a play, hoping each day goes the right way

Some of us are punk, even if we don’t explicitly say that we are, or have the stereotypical style associated with it,a lot of us just try to be ourselves,some of us can enjoy reality shows and horror movies at the same time,some of us can enjoy One Direction and Gorillaz,some of us can love fashion but also love memes, Theatre, and 1980s aesthetics

I’d say I’m the same but sometimes my personality is all over the place

I can go from being cheerful, relaxed and happy to being dazed and clumsy or cynical or entranced and hyper-fixated to Pessimistic and Cold to Quiet and Timid to Mellow and Loud   what personality traits you associate with me, however, is up to your own conclusion

call me any internet subculture stereotype and I’d be able to tell you about how I either, unfortunately, was the stereotype or I hung around people who were those stereotypes

if you said I was someone who watched Cbbc and citv you’d be right

if you said I was a classic rock enthusiast years ago and now you’d be right

if you said I used to be a cringy anime enthusiast  you’d be right

if you said I was one of those theatre kids who watched Disney sitcoms you’d be right

if you said I was one of those meme posters who referenced movies like Shrek and bee movie you’d be right

Another thing punks did was and sometimes still do was creating fanzines, magazines related to their favourite band or tv show or their own opinions on what’s going in the world, nowadays you could say social media has replaced that, but publications like the Daily Mirror, The Sun and TMZ still have a presence on there,I’d say fanzines should have a revival.

The BAFTA’s also happened recently and I wasn’t impressed, then again when are awards shows anything other than beauty pageants for films anyway?

Some films deserved their awards, but some films barely got a mention, Paddington 2 wasn’t included in there or in any of the other film awards this year and Stan and Ollie got nothing…

A darn shame because that film was so well made, it felt authentic, while Stan and Ollie also have a bit of a universal following, there are still some people who probably don’t know who they are!

Before Walliams and Lucas, Before the Two Ronnies, Before Richie and Eddie

There was…Laurel and Hardy

Two moustached blokes, who in the 20s and 50s would just try to delight audiences the best way they could, through slapstick and laughter, without them, most of the world’s double acts wouldn’t exist and even Spongebob wouldn’t exist

Yep, you heard me right, all those misadventures Spongebob and Patrick would have, they were loosely based on the adventures of Laurel and Hardy, except instead of it being about a tall British man and a fat American it was about an anthropomorphic sponge and a dumb but caring starfish.

Speaking of Spongebob, there was some sad news involving Spongebob not too long ago

The creator of Spongebob, Stephen Hillenburg…had passed away from ALS

I know, it’s awful,stupid motor neuron diseases and stupid Adam Levine too,for those who don’t know there was an episode of Spongebob called Band Geeks where they ended the episode with the cast playing a song called Sweet Victory over a Superbowl type of event, for the actual super bowl Spongebob fans around the world petitioned for that song to be played in tribute for Stephen,however we got Adam Levine singing a different song instead….what a letdown

If it wasn’t for SpongeBob I and some of the rest of the new generation, wouldn’t know half the old music or old films we know now.

To let down millions of fans like that makes me sick

Honestly, I was a bit sick a few weeks ago, I’ve been sick before and hospitalized twice but this particular moment of sickness was odd

It was like any other night, I was trying to get some sleep and lucid dream, but then it happened, the shivers, the shakes the trembling aches,

Out of nowhere, I felt like an ice-cube stuck in a microwave, It was too cold but it was too warm, I eventually got to sleep but when I got up the next morning I felt sick again, sorry for disclosing those details but it was like the exorcist…

Usually, when I’m sick watching documentaries, Kitchen Nightmares or 90s films weirdly cheers me up

Speaking of films, Rocketman the Elton John movie is out and it actually looks good

It’s being directed by the guy who was the replacement director for Bo Rhap and if it ends up being brilliant I won’t be surprised, the trailer gave off Velvet Goldmine vibes, the style of composed cinematography and I’m sounding like Film Twitter, Isle of Dogs was a good film…oh wait it wasn’t acknowledged much by the award shows either.

Another amazing film I recently watched was Rocky Horror…I know I’ve mentioned it before but that was when I only knew the sequel and some of the soundtrack,

It was amazing, it was brilliant, it was fantastic, it was out of this world,

ah! Rocky Horror was splendid

I definitely now understand why it’s still going strong to this day

It’s that hybrid of rock and roll, optimistic nihilism and soft aesthetics

That just works for me, another thing I’ve remembered was that Richard O’ Brien played the dad in Phineas and Ferb, well that explains that part of me liked that cartoon for the music and some of the characters but other characters did my head in like that Isabel character

“Hey, Phineas what ya dooing?”

“How about you let me finish my invention and you mind your own business”

Oof that’s too harsh…but considering aspects of the marvel Phineas and Ferb crossover were surprisingly a bit sexist at times outdated for the show that is usually quite progressive in its representation and characters…it’s probably accurate

Another person who hasn’t changed but is also often harsh, Piers Morgan, a little tweety bird told me he had a mysterious illness, good riddance I’d say, he’s the new Noel Edmonds, the presenter who used to be ok but now is unbearable…because he never shuts up

Thankfully though he’s “taking a break” from GMB that will rest our eardrums

Russell Brand has also been in the tabloids again, even though he’s more focused on his Buddhist spiritual recovery enlightening, looking back he wasn’t as bad as people described him, yeah at times he was a bit too over the top,but he was and is quite an ok bloke, but I’d say temporarily banning tickling is a bit of a stretch,

when you think about the number of people who disrespect our literal and figurative personal space on a daily basis, it kinda makes a bit of sense,

whether your sensory sensitive or not, I’m sure you hate it, when people are too touchy at times

although years ago I would’ve been a bit of an ignorant hypocrite about that

Hating it when crowds of kids would chase me like how the paparazzi chase their next gossip target, yet often annoyingly running up to people to talk to or entertain them.

I really need to learn to enjoy loneliness more because I get some of my best ideas when alone, but emotionally I feel a lot better when around others, a bit of an Ambivert really,

I’m sorry I can be a bit all over the place, I’m trying to make my energy more manageable

as that lucid dreaming thing has been misused at times,

I shouldn’t let myself be controlled…

by anyone or anything..no overthinking, no overworking,

treat the world as your stage, start your first act, motivated and ready, take your recharging interval breaks and then move on for your second act

fancy that me an ex-drama student making that metaphor when my current course  involves digitally drawing art, editing audio and sitting at a computer for most of the day

But then again just because someone shows good charisma that doesn’t always mean their a good person.

Ted Bundy, one of America's most notorious serial killers used charisma and charm in his court cases, and with the amount of fangirls giving him fanmail it was like the Beatles fandom but for people with Stockholm syndrome,and now with Netflix’s documentary and Troy from High School Musical in an upcoming film about him, that seems to be repeating itself…

*Alien voice* Ted Bundy the 1960s called they want your fangirls back!

One show I know you probably haven’t heard of is The Boondocks, a south park esque cartoon with an anime esque art style, referencing the social commentary of African American culture and media, celebrating some aspects while critiquing others, through the lenses of a socialist boy named Huey Freeman, his rapper wannabe brother Riley and their activist grandad Robert.

This show was quite revolutionary,it referenced the issue of each episode quite well, even though it only lasted 4 seasons, however, because the show is quite American, apart from the animation which is done in Korea,The Boondocks is not well known in the UK, which is a shame because it is a really good show that still holds up…however, it does fall under one mousetrap that most other adult cartoons fall into….

Because of the references to violence,innuendo and other dark subject matter sometimes referenced in a satirically humorous way,some audiences  would just watch the show because it’s offensive thinking that the show was made just to be offensive..instead of what the show was actually made for..which was to give social commentary on the issues relevant to African American communities in America.

I had watched this show years ago, it only just came back on my radar, because the creator Aaron McGruder, who based the show off his webcomic of the same name, had recently made a new issue.

There’s a difference between being satirical and being offensive

Your either making fun of something bad that a system or people are doing to make people aware of how stupid and sad the world can be at times,subjectively making fun of a stereotype, or your an arse who thinks they’re a comedian when they waste their time on social media, thinking they’re amazing and funny when they’re holding up the line at Mcdonald’s and the only people laughing at their jokes are gammon and people who found Bernard Manning funny

“Oh Wait”

I know sometimes I have unpopular opinions such as how my views of someone dip depending on their views of Kanye West

and sometimes I can be a bit snarky, and I hate and love stuff in equal amounts, but we need a bit of that don’t we, if we bottle it all up we explode like volcanos, but if we overshare too much, we crash like out of control cars

It’s all about moderation, salt is a tasty condiment but eat too much of it and your arteries will get clogged,

A few days back it was the day Mark Ashton passed away, for those who don’t know,he was an LGBT activist in the 80s,he volunteered with organizations such as the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament,he and the other activists helped to support the miners during the miner strike, creating the LGSM Alliance,Lesbians and Gays Support the Miners,there was a film made about them too, called Pride,but what some people don’t know is that….Mark Ashton was Northern Irish…he was one of us..he was the Marsha P Johnson of our time..if we were a bit like Mark Ashton this country would be a slightly more accepting place, why don’t we give love!

Let’s move on, plant more flowers in our garden..I know I sound like a hippie but it’s true, our Celtic Summerland is being used as a cesspool for Nuclear Waste

Oi! use your own bins, not the place we’re living in, pick up your rubbish and clean up your own mess…

The 80s were telling us something with all those protect and survive adverts, yes some of us were prepared as the older generation made us alert, others couldn’t recognize that a lot of innocent people were getting hurt.

When we say we want a 1980s comeback we want the music, clothes, games and  films,

but Nope

while we have some of that the 1980s revival we get is the one that involves Nuclear Danger and the ghost of Margaret Thatcher

All these TV and Film revivals, some are cool others are just unnecessary  Do we really need a Snow White sequel? No, we don’t but we did get one even if it was unofficial

Back in 2007 a French animation company made a sequel to Snow White which was also a bit like Shrek in how it satirised the fairy tale tropes, how Prince Charming feels like he is objectified while he ends up doing the same thing to the female characters, quite a tosser but that’s the point of the parody to point out the flaws with fairy tale logic, and to put the likes of Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella in more realistic scenarios.

…it’s strange, weird but brilliant too

The English dub had quite a few familiar faces doing the character voices

Stephen Fry as the narrator, Morwenna Banks, Simon Greenall and another British actor

Rik someone...

Ah! I remember his name now, he was in many successful sitcoms in the 80s and 90s,he was a legend, he knew how to keep people laughing, whether they were children, adults, teenagers,

in television, theatre, film or music

quite an eclectic range of talent

Although

I’m a new fan, I might adore his work, but I had just learnt his name 2 years ago, whereas, with other fans, they have created their own work, such as Charlie Brooker and Simon Pegg… some were able to meet him…lucky...

Some encounters were quite interesting, I had heard someone’s nan got to meet him in the 90s but she got his name wrong so she ended up saying

“‘oh hello can I have your autograph please Mr mayo?’

Well that happened, she probably still got that autograph,...

And somewhere up there, Rik Mayall is thinking of us, he, Stephen Hillenburg and David Bowie are probably chatting away

Let’s make the lord of misrule proud

[mcnuggyy]

can you explain what it feels like to be nonbinary....i have a friend who thinks its dumb and he follows you and kind of looks up to you in a way and i bet if he heard it from someone he looks up to hed change his mind :\

Well first of all i feel that theres a huge misconception when saying gender is something you can feel… like you can feel the gender dysphoria or euphoria that comes a long with it but a cis guy will never truly be able to explain what its like to be a guy.. to him, he just is ya know? Like its not an emotion like happiness or sadness?? its just?? sort of existing? like you can express the experiences you have had regarding your gender, or race, etc. but you don’t FEEL mexicanness, you dont FEEL nonbinaryness, like you can explain how it affects you and how your gender makes you feel but the gender itself isnt a feeling, if that makes sense??

the way i express my gender does sometimes change with the way i feel but that has more to do with the way outside forces affect my mentality? For example whenever my mom is being particularly misogynistic i tend to start feeling sad and gross and kinda dysphoric and suddenly i get the urge to start presenting more masculine? It’s kind of hard to explain but thats the way gender is in general? its so different and specific for each person its impossible to truly describe it. I don’t think any cis person could tell you what it feels like to be cis… like… just try asking what its like for them to be a girl/guy and im certain they’ve never even thought about it before. They just know it, its like something you just know in the balls of your nutsack . Like sometimes you don’t know what your nuts are telling you, but once you figure it out, things start becoming so fucking clear lmao. 

Once i realized i was nonbinary it was less “i feel this” and more like ‘OHH so that EXPLains EVERYThing” 

(also anyone who thinks being nonbinary is dumb needs a serious history lesson fhff cause nonbinary people have existed since the beginning of time and its not something new “liberals” invented to seem cool… its a legitimate gender that’s been a huge part of indigenous cultures, religions, and civilizations since forever… not to throw shade but the idea of two genders wasn’t a thing until white colonialist came and told indigenous people they were “wrong” because they didn’t act,look, or think like them… some of them didn’t even have gendered language, and if they did they always had a third option, or referred to people with the same pronoun. Theres a lot of cool history and resources about endless amounts of cultures with third/nonbinary genders that i definitely recommend checking out!! )

i hope this helps a bit!! thanks pal! 💕

[goliath-de-senfina-sango]

Jewelry and Moral Dilemmas

School was its usual boring self, a tad tenser with Danny feeling less than happy talking with Sam.  He was sure he’d be over it soon enough. Right as it was about to end, Danny found his traitorous mind swinging away from the chemicals needed to reflect a specific part of the ultraviolet spectrum of light and toward his social failings.  School did things like that to the brain after all.

“Thanks to you,” Tucker poked at him with a grin, “I now know the quickest way to a girl’s heart: clean boxers.”

Danny sighed and rubbed his neck, kicking the tile floor.  “Man, I blew it yesterday. Paulina probably won’t even look at me now.”

Moping at the floor like he was, Danny didn’t notice the footsteps of a certain latina cheerleader, who offered a small wave.  “Yoohoo, Danny?”

Danny’s head rose so fast a joint almost popped.  Paulina was back? After everything? Danny nudged Tucker in the ribs and Tuck gave a thumbs up before jogging off.  “Uh hi, Paulina.”

“Hi you,” Paulina chuckled, walking closer.  “I just wanted…”

A crushing blow at his side shoved the too small Danny into his locker, closing the door on him.  “Meet me?” A gratingly familiar voice finished her sentence. “Who doesn’t?”

Danny felt anger buzz under his skin and vibrate him out of the visible rainbow.   Does Dash think he can just fucking shove anyone around? Well, Danny thought, let’s see how he feels about having his clothes fused together.   Sliding through the molecules of his locker, Danny grabbed onto Dash’s back, reaching through the jacket.  But he reached too deep too quickly and suddenly he was being pulled in, filling a space larger than he was normally crammed into, his being humming through muscles not his own.  “I’m… in Dash?”

“Excuse me?”  Right, Paulina.  Think about the new power later, think about the weirdness of wearing Dash like a heavy coat later.  Currently, it was revenge time.

“I’m captain of the resident Geek club and I’ve kept every toenail I’ve ever clipped!”  With all the excitement he could muster Danny leaned in close. “Wanna see?”

“No.”  Sour notes rang in her aura and Danny nearly cackled.  Considering the circumstances, he let the body cackle and got down on one knee.

“Oh well, you should see the guy I just shoved in the locker, Fenton!  He doesn’t rub his mom’s feet like me.” Dash’s hands reached for Paulina’s shoes.  “Which is a shame cause I’ve been tryna teach him how to give foot rubs.”

“Eew, get away loser!”  Paulina took a step back and Danny smirked as he pulled up and away from Dash’s big clumsy form.  Phasing back into his locker, Danny noted that Dash felt a compulsion to rub his mom’s feet and that was a fascinating additional tidbit about the power.  “Hey, Danny? What’s your number?” Danny gave her the numbers and was soon tumbling out of the locker, face meeting linoleum. Danny rolled over and Paulina laughed.  “We have to stop meeting like this.” Her eyes widened, picking up something that must’ve fallen out of Danny’s bag. “Oh my goodness, what is that?” Paulina picked up a necklace, glittering gold surrounding an emerald and held together on a gold chain.  With the way she was looking at it, it could practically be made of real gems and gold.

“That?  Uh. You like it?”

“It’s beautiful!”

Danny got to his feet and rubbed his arm with a smile.  “That’s great cause It’s for you!”

Paulina gave Danny a smile that warmed him up on the inside and her aura was singing with chirping birds.  “Really?”

“Yeah, uh, I got it in case I got the nerve to ask you to the dance and you said yes.”  Danny grabbed his pants before they could fall. “I wanted to get you something in case of that and uh that’s what I was planning on though, now that I look again it doesn’t really do you justice.”

“Well, you are kinda cute, and you have great taste in underwear.”  Paulina put the necklace on herself and flashed another smile Danny’s way.  “I’d love to go with you.”

As soon as Paulina was out of earshot Danny tugged on his jacket.  “What am I doing? That doesn’t belong to me- it could be my mom’s or my sister’s…”  Paulina waved goodbye and turned the corner, that blossom of warmth in Danny’s chest spreading.  “Which is future Danny’s problem, cause she said yes !  Whoo!”  Tossing his arms in the air, Danny barely felt embarrassed when his jeans fell again.  Picking them up Danny heard the grating whine of displeasure behind him on the wrong level of existence to be paying attention to.

“Pantless again, Mr. Fenton?”  The balding pot-bellied vice principal drawled with his hands behind his back.  “That’s the third time this week I’ve caught you,” Lancer paused, pulled out a book titled How to Sound Hip for the Unhip, “dropping trou.”  Danny’s foot nearly dipped below the tiles as he tried to keep his laughter inside.  “I think it’s time I met your father for a Parent-Teacher Conference.” The paper Lancer handed him made keeping the giggles in a lot easier.

“My Dad?”   Orion, how am I gonna handle this one?

“Until then, here.”  Lancer handed him a belt.   How did that fit in his pocket?  “It’ll keep your pants up and you out of trouble with the man.”

During class, Danny took down notes on how his power expanded itself.  The flesh had felt wrong, alien when he was inside of it. Dash was bigger than him, heavier and Danny was amazed he hadn’t stumbled around when moving the jerk’s body.  The feeling of Dash’s mind beneath his, pushed under the surface of consciousness, was like wisps of air trying to escape like bubbles but not quite knowing it was trapped.

Mr. Falluca tried to get the slip on a seemingly inattentive Danny, but Science was his Thing, and Danny managed an answer and a tangent on every question shot his way.  Falluca was impressed but reminded Danny to at least look at the board occasionally. Danny made no promises to do so.

When Danny got home, the belt Lancer had repeatedly instructed him to put on nearly forgotten at his waist, he found his Dad monitoring the portal with the Fenton Fisher in his hands, though there was an extra blast shield between Dad and the rest of the lab.  Let it never be said that Fenton’s work slow.

Walking through the door of the shield Danny waved.  "Hey Dad, catch anything?“ Danny knew the answer, but it was the best way to Segway to the issue.

"Couldn’t catch a cold, Danny.  I’m so frustrated I wanna take it out on the first person to give me bad news!  Probably one of those GIW agents…”

Trying to ignore the sound of a hornet’s nest coming from his dad on that second level of reality, Danny weighed his options.  Then, he slipped onto that second level, reaching into his Dad and pushing him up to the third layer that Danny saw when he dissociated.  "Mr. Lancer wants to talk to us.“

Dad’s muscle memory took over for him as Danny directed the body to drive to the school immediately.  Danny had more to do than just fake his way through a PT conference.

Lancer’s office was so much smaller from his dad’s point of view.  The chair especially so. Lancer’s droning voice, unfortunately, was always going to be boring.  “Thank you for coming to discuss your son’s schooling, Mr. Fenton.”

“Well yeah of course!”  Danny never realized before that this was his dad’s speaking volume.  “He’s my little man, gotta know what’s up with him.”

“Well, there’s been a couple of incidents with his pants.”   Sweet Tucana, is this how he describes everyone’s problems?

“Ah, his pants!  I told Danny if he didn’t stop studying so he could eat some more his pants’d fall down.  He forgets ya see.”

Lancer hummed, looking to the side in consideration.  “That would explain some things…”

Holy Pavo, did that work?   “Of course you understand!  No wonder you’re Danny’s favorite teacher.”

Lancer arched a brow at that, leaning forward a bit.  “I am?”

“Yeah, ‘strict but fair and informative’ he always calls ya.”  Danny held up a fist with a grin. “We Fentons, as people of science, understand that teachers are underpaid and underappreciated.  Without you who would be there to educate our future society on how it all works?”

A smile slowly spread over Lancer’s face.  “I like your style, Mr. Fenton.” Hook line and sinker.  “In fact, I’d like you to chaperone the dance.”

Internally, Danny recoiled at the idea of his dad chaperoning the dance in any capacity what so ever.  Remembering exactly how his dad responded to anything he wasn’t interested in, Danny gave as firm and exuberant a, “No thanks!”  as he could. “I’ve got to test my inventions, see what needs improving.”

“Are you sure, Mr. Fenton?”

“That’s Dr. Fenton,” Danny corrected, “and yes.  Now, if that’s all you wanted to talk about.” Not giving Lancer so much as a chance to say otherwise, Danny walked his dad out of the office and drove home.  Portal open, fishing line tossed, Danny whispered in his father’s head that he’d been doing this so long he zoned out and flew out of him. Danny rose up to his room and slumped against the wall.

“Ara, that went better than I expected,” Danny muttered.  “I gotta tell Tuck and Sam about this.”

“So wait, you got Dash to say he scrubs  his mom’s feet?” Sam snorted. “To Paulina of all people?”

“Not only that but he also asked himself - out loud which is a dumb way to ask yourself certain questions - why he wanted to scrub his mom’s feet after I left his body.”  Danny chuckled as he took a bite of his burger.

“So lemme get this straight,” Tucker said.

“Nothing I say is straight, Tucker.”

“You can just walk into people and take over their bodies?”

“Well, when you put it that way.”  Danny smacked away Tucker’s thieving hands from his food.

“No no, I mean, if you could walk into a girl for like, 3 minutes…”  Tucker was then assaulted by Sam’s combat boots directly to the toes, and Danny glared at him.  “Christ, it was just a joke!”

“It was a horribly creepy joke, and you should feel bad about it,” Sam said, stealing his fries.  Tucker looked ready to protest but Sam gave him a challenging scowl and he let it drop.

“You can get a date to the dance on your own like I did.”  Danny rolled his eyes.

“Does he have to take off his pants and act like a dweeb or will either work?”   Sam tilted her head. “No, wait he’s always acting like a dweeb.  Looks like the pants must go Tuck.”

Danny pouted, narrowing his eyes at Sam.  “I do not act like a dweeb, Sam. I act like an intelligent romantic.”  The laughter from both of his friends was frankly rude and unnecessary. “What?”

Tucker leaned over and patted Danny’s hand.  “Nothing Danny, you’re very romantic and understand how all that works.  Definitely.”

“I don’t stalk the girl’s locker room looking for dates,” Danny said as flatly as he could manage.  Tucker winced, then jabbed Danny in the shoulder.

“Touche.”

“Honestly, I’m glad I’m not going to this stupid dance,” Sam said, picking at the scraps left of her salad.  “Saves me the embarrassment of wearing this lame dress my parents bought me.”

Tucker, ever insightful, smirked at her.  “No one asked you, did they?”

“Guess I’m not as standardly pretty as Paulina is,” Sam spat out venomously.

“So she’s pretty,” Danny said, pointing his last fry at Sam.  “It’s not a crime. What’s your deal?”

“Looks are deceiving Danny.”

Before Danny could offer a rebuttal to that blanket statement that answered nothing, his body went cold and he heard a familiar melody at the back of his mind.  The three teens stood up as one, and Danny turned to the sound of screaming. “Shit. Guys let’s see what we’ve got.”

Danny ran to a shadowy corner where he was sure the cameras couldn’t see him and slipped into his Phantom form.  He flew around the corner and pulled up short when he saw the dragon from the other day. “Well fuck. Haven’t I seen you before?”  The dragon roared at him, a line of fire spewing out of its mouth and Danny swerved around it, ready for that this time. “Let’s try that again.  Hi, I’m Danny Phantom, and you are?”

Danny saw Tucker and Sam’s wrist ray fire before he saw the tail coming his way, and dropped to the ground, thankful for his friends.  The beams flew right over the ducking dragon’s head and it swiped it’s tail at Danny, missing by a mile. “Testy got it.” Danny charged at the dragon, tackling it by the midsection.  It flew back when he stopped and Danny grinned when twin wrist ray shots flew and one managed to zap the dragon in the face.

It roared at them all, and pounced at Danny, missing once again when Danny phased through it.  “Must have Tee!” A line of fire shot forth again and Danny dove to the ground.

“Oh, tea?  Good idea! Coffee can make you a mite jittery.”  Danny slipped onto that second level and smirked. “Better yet.”  Sinking into the ground, Danny rose up with an uppercut to the dragon’s jaw.  “How bout some punch?” The dragon flew so far that Danny lost track of it for a second as he flew.  

Lowering down to Sam and Tucker’s level, he noted that the aura of crackling flames had vanished and flew off to a corner to turn back, then walked around a different corner.

“Holy shit, Danny are you ok?”  Tucker was immediately checking Danny for burns and bruises and Danny chuckled.

“Yeah, Tuck, I’m fine.  Except that’s the second time I fought that dragon.  We need to investigate. How are you guys?”

“We’re fine,” Sam said.  “Though Tucker needs to work on his aim.”

“That dragon was moving really fast, Sam, and so was Danny.  I didn’t wanna hit him.” Tucker sighed. “But yeah, I’m fine.  Dateless still though I’ve asked pretty much every girl in school except…”  Tucker turned as Valerie Grey walked by. “Hey, Val?”

“No.”

“Ugh.  Alright, well plan fuckin B I guess.”  Tucker glared as Sam opened her mouth. “And I’m keeping my pants on.”

“Sure you are Tuck.”  Sam patted the geek on the arm.  “Meanwhile, during important business, I’m going to look up that dragon best I can.  Send me a picture of it?”

“Sending now,”  Tucker muttered, already walking off to go find a date.

“Well, while you guys do that I’m gonna go see if I can manage to make blurple into a color I can paint with.”  Danny grinned as he ran off.

“That color doesn’t need a name if only you can see it!”

“Yes, it does!”

When Danny got home, he ran first upstairs to find something suitable for the dance, and then to find his mother when he found nothing.  “Hey, Mom? Where’s that suit you got me for the Sadie Hawkins’ dance that Sam made the middle school do? I wanna see if it still fits or if I need a new one.”

[bynkii]

On Nick Bilton’s Gobsmacking Ignorance

Or why one should learn something before writing about anything

So recently, Nick Bilton published what can only be described as a pile of gobsmackingly ignorant jet-powered effluvia in the NYT.

I’m not going to go into the details of every place where it is wrong. Others far more qualified than I can, and have done that. But I want to point out one thing that shows how little research was done, how shallow the thought process Young Master Bilton employed in writing his paen to non-thinking alarmism was.

Background: I spent over 6 years working on high-frequency RF devices for the Air Force. Specifically, I was a Defensive Avionics Tech on B-1B Bombers. We’re talking microwave sources that made even the biggest oven quail in fear. I am nowhere near the expertise level of say, someone doing fundamental research on microwaves, but I’ve a bit more knowledge than most. Also, almost every video game gets radar jammers and ECM completely stupid.

In his post, Bilton credulously quotes the High Quackophont himself, Joe Mercola:

Dr. Joseph Mercola, a physician who focuses on alternative medicine and has written extensively about the potential harmful effects of cellphones on the human body, said that as long as a wearable does not have a 3G connection built into it, the harmful effects are minimal, if any.

“The radiation really comes from the 3G connection on a cellphone, so devices like the Jawbone Up and Apple Watch should be O.K.,” Dr. Mercola said in a phone interview. “But if you’re buying a watch with a cellular chip built in, then you’ve got a cellphone attached to your wrist.” And that, he said, is a bad idea.

He then follows this not with an analysis of what frequency bands we’re dealing with, but this…again, idiocy:

(The Apple Watch uses Bluetooth and Wi-Fi to receive data, and researchers say there is no proven harm from those frequencies on the human body. Wearables with 3G or 4G connections built in, including the Samsung Gear S, could be more harmful, though that has not been proved. Apple declined to comment for this article, and Samsung could not be reached for comment.)

So there’s no harm from the frequencies used by Bluetooth or WiFi. But, 4G and 3G, THAT’LL KILL YA BUT GOOD! maybe. We don’t really know.

Well, let’s look at the frequencies used by Bluetooth (BT) and WiFi. Fortunately, these are easily found. First, Bluetooth:

Bluetooth is a wireless technology standard for exchanging data over short distances (using short-wavelength UHF radio waves in the ISM band from 2.4 to 2.485 GHz[3]) from fixed and mobile devices, and building personal area networks (PANs). Invented by telecom vendor Ericsson in 1994,[4] it was originally conceived as a wireless alternative to RS-232 data cables. It can connect several devices, overcoming problems of synchronization.

Now, WiFi:

Wi-Fi (or, incorrectly but commonly, WiFi) is a local area wireless technologythat allows an electronic device to participate in computer networking using 2.4 GHz UHF and 5 GHz SHF ISM radio bands.

Okay, so 2.4GHz and 5GHz are totes okey-dokey

What about that eeeeebul 4G? Well, a bit of poking about reveals that 4G uses a variety of frequency bands between 800MHz and 2.6GHz.

Hmm…okay, what about 3G?

Well, 3G is a bit of a bag of cats of a tech, but W-CDMA operates most commonly on the 2.1GHz band, with some other W-CDMA implementations using a range between 850MHz and 1.9GHz. The overall 3G spectrum allocation however is 400MHz to 3GHz. It is reasonable to assume that other 3G implementations are not that different from W-CDMA.

LTE Advanced looks like it will be used at both 1.8GHz and 2.6GHz.

Do we begin to see the “problem”? The solutions Bilton offers are using the same frequency band as the goddamned cell tech he’s trying to get everyone to fear.

Even worse, he makes it sound like the frequencies are in and of themselves the problem with nary a word, a letter talking about transmit power. Why is that important?

Take a brain out of a corpse. Put it in a microwave for oh, twenty minutes. Now, throw both into a deep pit, that shit will stink bad. But before your nose drives you from the room, you’ll see that a twenty minutes of 2.45GHz at around a kilowatt (+- 500 watts. There’s a real range in power based on size, use, etc.) will do some damage.

Now, take another brain, and put it in the same microwave with a cell phone transmitting full out for twenty minutes. Hell, twenty years if you like. The brain will rot before you have any noticeable effects.

Oh, did you happen to notice the frequency the microwave oven operates at? Why, it’s that same 2.4GHz that our totally safe Bluetooth tech, the same tech Bilton has no problem jamming in his earhole for hours operates at. (To be fair, given this and other things Bilton has written, I’m fairly sure his brain is not a vital organ in his world.)

But Bilton just said that frequency range was safe. Again:

The Apple Watch uses Bluetooth and Wi-Fi to receive data, and researchers say there is no proven harm from those frequencies on the human body.

Yet, were you to stick your head in an operating microwave oven for twenty minutes, (and I really, REALLY don’t recommend this), “safe” would be the last word anyone would use to describe the results of what would happen to you. Almost as if the frequency alone doesn’t determine safety, or lack thereof…

Also, might I remind the audience that Bilton was a very public crusader for the right to use a cell phone on takeoff and landing in airplanes? Why I think I just did.

I’m quite sure that in a narrow range of social media/startup topics, Bilton is at least as basically knowledgeable as your average cat. But it is fairly obvious that all the attempts by any science or engineering teacher unfortunate enough to have to teach him anything were a failure.

When it comes to RF, Bilton literally has no clue as to what he’s talking about. But he still defends his idiocy. Because that’s what people like Bilton do when proven wrong. I expect the “Galileo Gambit” any day now.

Which is why, in the end, I have no doubt that he will never, ever acquire any form of brain cancer. He appears to lack a rather major requirement.

[mainstreamtags]

Hearts & Other Body Parts Review

Rating: (⅖)

So…. I’ll start by saying...Hearts & Other Body Parts was okay. Not the best of YA fiction but not OVERLY terrible.

I was initially attracted by the cover. Black and red with fun, gothic typography; my aesthetic. Opening the cover to read the synopsis on the other hand, I was hardly as impressed;

“A novel of love and monsters.

Sisters Esme, Katy, and Ronnie are smart, talented, and gorgeous, and better yet . . . all three are witches. They have high school wired until the arrival of two new students. The first is Norman, who is almost eight feet tall and appears to be constructed of bolts and mismatched body parts. Despite his intimidating looks, Esme finds herself strangely -- almost romantically -- drawn to both his oversized brain and oversized heart.

The second new arrival is Zack, an impossibly handsome late transfer from the UK who has the girls at school instantly mesmerized. Soon even sensible Esme has forgotten Norman, and all three sisters are in a flat-out hex war to win Zack. But while the magic is flying, only Norman seems to notice that students who wander off alone with Zack end up with crushed bones and memory loss. Or worse, missing entirely.

Hearts & Other Body Parts is a wickedly addictive novel about love, monsters, loyalty, and oh yeah, a Japanese corpse-eating demon cat.”

Can you see where I hesitated? Around “the nice guy is the only one who sees what’s wrong with his romantic rival and has to “rescue” his crush from thinking she loves the other guy”? Yeah. But hey, I thought, I got through Heartless and ended up liking it more than I thought I would so maybe this one will be a little cringe worthy in the beginning but pull out a decent ending too.     

I was half right. There were definitely parts that made me need to lay down for a minute like #GiveUsASnog, the blatant stereotypes masquerading as inclusivity, the frankly alarming overuse of the term “beautiful girls”...

It never managed to pull itself together in a way that made the ending worth it. About halfway through I found the writing continued to lack and there was hardly any substance to keep me there. I powered through purely for the sake of this review. It wasn’t that it was BAD, just all around lack luster. Certainly not the WORST, but just… boring. 

Honestly though, “not the worst” is probably the best thing I can say about this book. I can appreciate what it was trying to be. A campy bit of romantic horror that played off of big name monsters like Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, and Witches. Nothing more than a bit of fun. Unfortunately the fun wears off in the first few chapters. A good B Horror relies on being so terrible it’s good, making use of overdone tropes but putting enough twist and creativity into it that it comes together into something memorable even if it’s totally cheesy. Hearts & Other Body Parts fails this on the most basic level. Sure, it’s filled to the brim with all the cliches you could ever want in a B Horror, but it doesn’t have the creativity it takes to bring it together. Instead, we’re left with a collection of poorly thought out characters, a forgettable plot line, and an ending that leaves you wondering if the eight hours it took to read was really worth it.

The answer is no. No it was not and yet I bought it because I was promised a good time.

Side tangent, I’ve noticed a trend in formatting when trying to look up published reviews for books. They paste in a summary of the book and then the writer spends one or two brief paragraphs talking about it in the most ambiguous way possible with a couple of buzzwords like ‘witty’, ‘inventive’, and ‘funny’ tossed in for good measure. You’ll also see the phrase, “I was given a free copy of the book for an honest review.” Honest, yet they don’t tell you WHY a book was funny or inventive, and they definitely don’t tell you if the book was bad, honest or not. Marketing at it’s finest.

So yeah, I’m going to tear this bitch to shreds. I’m going to talk about everything in this book and I’m going to do it in the plainest language I can. It won’t be pretty, but that’s the point. I don’t want it to be filled with flowery language because that shit is hard to write and takes away from the point of the message. No fluff, no buzzwords, no mercy. There will be spoilers, so be warned because I’ll be talking about the ending to this book A LOT.

Let’s start with the backbone of a story; the characters. Hearts & Other Body Parts switches point of view chapter to chapter, sometimes in the middle of a chapter and sometimes whenever the fuck it feels like it. This would be fine, especially if the characters had strong voices, but everyone in this book sounds almost exactly the same. It makes for stilted, awkward dialogue as well. Jokes made by characters don’t land because the conversations they were having felt unnatural.

The only one who had some semblance of a narration style is Norman. Norman is not the main character but it felt like Bloom REALLY wanted him to be and ends up as the most fleshed out character in the book. Considering that every single character in this book is a high school stereotype, that’s saying something.

The witchy sisters this book touted to be the main players felt like one girl broken into three that had never been raised together. The summary calls them smart, talented, and gorgeous and they’re exactly that, in that order. They all get to have only one thing according to B Horror laws and they can’t possibly share anything. Yes they lived in the same house, yes they sit at lunch together but nothing beyond that suggests that they're actually related. They riff on each other occasionally like siblings might but there are no mentions of shared interests and we hardly get to see into Veronica or Katy’s lives aside from “one is super hot and likes makeup and the other likes fashion subcultures and dogs”. I didn't even know Katy was supposed to be a jokester until another character pointed out that she was. As for Veronica, the gorgeous one, she’s youngest sister and only fourteen. Creepy.

Esme, the actual main character of the book, falls victim to the “sudden rash decision heroine” trope. She’s shown previously to have been level headed and intelligent yet when, #spoilers, her sisters are kidnapped by the book’s villains, Zack and the Ancient, she’s suddenly running into a death trap by herself without a plan. Of course, she’s stopped in the nick of time by Norman who is still sensible because he’s smart and also a man. It’s an exhausting trope to have to read over and over again in YA books with female leads, especially leads that are supposed to be intelligent planners.

In the end, Veronica and Katy just end up becoming a combined damsel in distress trope. They only exist to give main character Esme someone to save and to push along the finale. Afterwards, we hear that they “recover” but we don’t see any lasting effects. Bad Guy Zack is still left alive. How do they feel about this? We just don’t know. Norman is the most thought out character in the book, but really at his center he’s still an obnoxious “nice guy” and his very existence feels almost as if the author was pushing an agenda. “Look girls, he may be ugly but he’s intellectual and kind! He’s obviously the correct romantic choice because he’s a NICE GUY.” Norman himself doesn’t do anything overly untoward but the author pushes Esme and Norman together in the worst way. Bad Guy Zack is handsome and the guy all the girls want but he’s just another dumb jock without substance who will cheat on you. So obviously the right choice is Norman.

Having a solid friendship just isn’t an option and looks aren’t EVERYTHING, until, oh wait, they are. In the end even Esme is so unconvinced of her attraction to Norman that she feels she has to drug herself with a love potion to feel anything and drug HIM with a beauty potion in order to make him lovable--which is ableist by the way--and sends the message to disabled readers, “sorry but if you're not at least semi conventionally attractive, no one can truly love you.” The fact that she feels required to be with him because he loves her says it all, really. Speaking of Bad Guy Zack though, his ending was one of the most disappointing parts of the book. Throughout the story we are shown glimpses of his relationship with his vampiric master, the Ancient. In the beginning we’re told that the Ancient chose Zack for a very specific reason. What that reason was, we’re never really told but I’m guessing it’s somewhere along the lines of “he’s hot” and because he’s hot, it makes it easier to draw in women to serve as food sources. The Ancient coerces Zack into doing his bidding and kidnapping women by enthralling him with the use of his vampiric mesmer abilities. Of course, when Zack fails (or whenever the Ancient feels like it apparently) he’s beaten and tortured for hours. These beating are apparently so terrible that the only thing that saves Zack is his fledgling vampire durability; if he was human, he’d only last for a few minutes.

So to reiterate, Bad Guy Zack is actually Abused Minor Zack forcibly coerced into kidnapping girls by his father figure/master. Yes, he’s a player, yes he strung along the sisters in order to eventually kidnap them but if he didn’t he would be tortured. He’s an abused minor repeatedly shown to have remorse for his actions along with other qualities that could have made for a potentially decent redemption arc but instead he is “adopted” by Norman’s father and instead of receiving therapy or support, he submits himself to to being locked in a cage and wanting to take “any punishment that could be meted out to him,” including his own self harm which was described as “absolutely medieval” in design. The idea that a victim of of this type of psychological and physical abuse would would consider himself guilty and deserving of punishment isn't unrealistic but the fact that self harm to the extent described was being seen as acceptable is laughable at best and disgusting at worst. I’m not sure whether to look to the narration of Esme or the writer himself for this but considering Esme’s upbringing, it wouldn't make much sense for her to see any amount of self harm or abuse as normal. As for the Ancient himself, he suffers from a case of overhyped villain. We’re shown repeatedly that he’s willing to do terrible things and told repeatedly that he’s extremely powerful but in the end, it takes all of 7 pages to take him down and I’m being generous with that number. The majority of those 7 pages is even spent with him TALKING about how he’s going to kill Esme without doing anything to support that. The final battle, if you could call it that, is entirely fluff and any sort of threat that the Ancient might have posed instantly fell short the second he started talking.

Esme also has the support of her not-so-japanese, not-so-corpse-eating, demon familiar Kasha who takes the form of a cat and information dump character right along with demon ex machina for the final battle. There is literally no other reason to this character. The chapter that has him get involved with the fight is literally called “Deamon Ex Machina”.  You could have replaced him with a decent google search and the story would have lost nothing. It would have even saved the book from one of its multi-page info dumps and a terrible joke about gophers used 5 too many times. The ending might have even been halfway decent without Kasha. The Ancient might have become the threat he should have been and we could have had an exciting, climactic fight. Instead we got a ridiculous game of cat and mouse that had the terrifying villain reduced to a mess resigned to his fate. Boring.

All of the side characters had this sort of simplification of personality too. The LGBT characters especially suffered from this. Esme’s mother is referred to as a lesbian while also being absent, evoking that age old “gay people are terrible parents” adage. Nick, the background football player, had to be shown by white cis-het Esme that being gay was okay, after which he immediately becomes a fashion obsessed trope despite no hint of him showing interest in it before. You can tell he’s also meant to become a comic relief character, but the jokes are entirely centered around him being gay and effeminate. If that wasn’t the worst, the only trans inclusion comes in the form of the Goddess who offers to show Esme her genitals as proof of being intersex without any prior prompting. Because thats a thing that people do.

Hearts & Other Body Parts was touted for its humor and intelligence but the jokes more often fell flat, and the intelligence came only in the form of page long wiki-esque information dumps and latin terms tossed in for the sake of sounding smart. It fails to be smart in ways that matter. The lack of character depth is one thing, but there were times when I had to set book the book down for a moment because immersion was completely broken by a plot hole or interaction that did nothing to support the character, story, or humor.

For instance, after Esme finally breaks free of Zack’s hypnosis, she makes her way to Norm’s house to meet his father Dr.Frank: a scientist that has important information on vampires. Shortly after she arrives, so does football player, stereotypical meathead Jackson. Earlier he had been in a fight with Zack and left him with extreme anxiety regarding speaking about the fight. Jackson is looked over by Dr.Frank and then given a cocktail of anti-anxiety drugs and narcotics to make him sensible and able to explain who hurt him. Afterwards, Jackson is never mentioned having an issue with panic attacks again. While it’s mentioned he doesn't sleep much, hinting at the anxiety, this doesn't cause him any issue with functioning in general or assisting Esme with tracking the vampires. That is:

A.) Not how sleep deprivation works. B.) Not how anxiety works. C.) Suggests that not only did Dr. Frank medicate an underage child without parental consent but that he CONTINUED to supply this child with medication.

This is one of the most jarringly immersion breaking instances but there are several more like it along with a multitude of smaller instances such as typing an entire url instead of using the search bar, purposefully cooking a brisket until it’s dry, and not considering that other LGBT people may exist outside of the chosen three which would have entirely messed up the “only some men are immune to vampire mesmer“ thing. It leaves one wondering if Bloom thought a lot of this through, or if he simply wrote himself into a corner a few times and had to come up with something on the fly to fix it.

This book was a struggle to read and even now, I’m struggling to come up with anything positive to balance out the negative. The grammar was decent. The sentence structure wasn't bad, but decent syntax only means so much when it’s the content itself that’s the issue. I’m not asking for a serious drama from a book meant to be along the same lines as a Syfy special, but I am asking for at least some effort. The plot was a forgettable ode to nice guys, the humor was flat, the pacing was off, the characters were walking cliches, the representation borderline phobic, and the ending was entirely anticlimactic. The writing wasn’t the WORST but it wasn’t good either. It was as if Bloom had only wanted to get a book published and nothing more so he wrote the most generic crap he could manage then tossed in some black and red with a Japanese cat as a hook. I can't say it didn't work because I spent money on this snooze-fest but damn. Reading Hearts & Other Body Parts was a slog. If it had been terrible, it might have met its B horror mark. It was a slog not because it was bad, but because it was just plain mediocre.

Ira Bloom, nice try but for your next book, a little more effort would be appreciated. Thanks. #SorryNotSorry.