#hate myself for typing out V-CARB just now

[rickybaby]

Visa, Cash App sign on with Red Bull F1 B team

The V-CARB car launch will be at the Super Bowl

[youmightaswell]

Die!

Quit

Recently the New York Times published a series of personal essays (or As told to pieces…) in a special pullout section. The overall theme was quitting. People wrote about quitting various things: a dead-end job, a relationship, college…

The theme of the 20 stories was that quitting somehow lead to freedom or at least an epiphany of sorts.

The one that got the most attention – and the most ire – was one written by a guy who decides to quit NYC.

This is probably my biggest hate-read of the decade. This guy just screamed elitist and out of touch. I am not exactly sure, even now, a month later, about why I hate this guy so much. Look, I have always somehow felt anyone who quits NYC is lesser than. I know that sounds mean and there are many good reasons to leave NYC. But it is very tough place to live and thrive so I feel like because I have been able to do so for so many years I somehow get extra points. I hate myself for even typing that, but even though it exposes my inner flaws and baseness, I want to be honest.

Anyway, while he “quits” NYC, the aforementioned is not what irks me so much about him. TL;DR: He decides to take a year-long vacation, living in Costa Rica in a $3000/mo apartment (WTF?) in order to save money (WTF?) and pursue writing and yet his wife then has to work in Costa Rica to pay for it.

And this douche – who wants to write a book – can’t even write his own essay for the NYT about it. He uses someone else to write his story.

So much WTF!

Spoiler: He ultimately decides to move back to the US to a cushy, high-paying job. The book never gets written and he is still a douche.

Anyway, annoyance aside, the series got me to thinking about quitting in general. I’m usually not a quitter. This is usually not a good thing. I am more stubborn than shrewd. More pig-headed than strategic.I am a Taurus, after all. I will bear down, sink my teeth in and not let go until each of them is out by the root. Even then, figurative mouth bleeding, I will tie my tongue in a knot around whatever I want, determined not to let go.

It’s not that I CAN’T quit. I have quit jobs, friendships, apartments, sugar, carbs and outfits. And I understand the freedom quitting brings. I can quit, but mostly don’t like to. I often wish I could just quit my life. It is filled with a lot of physical pain (thanks Lyme) and not much fun. I’m basically alone and isolated and can’t really do much because of pain and physical issues. I hope daily to die – nothing dramatic, just a quiet, peaceful and non-traumatic natural death. But I don’t actively quit it or much of anything else.

The series started me thinking about all the things I can’t quit. I’d love to see a curation of essays about things people can’t or won’t put an end to. Sure, many obvious ones come to mind like drugs, booze, gambling, sex. Things that are vices. But we’ve all heard those stories before. Many of us have lived them. Sort of boring. But what about more unusual things that people don’t quit.

For me, probably the biggest one is writing to serial killers. It’s been over 10 years of my Letters from the Inside project… with no hope ( or goal) in sight. Again, foolhardy and stubborn. Is it mere compulsion? Part of my OCD? Or is it that I somehow know something unconsciously that I don’t consciously? It has gotten me some notoriety in newspapers, tv stints https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRtneXclZ5w  on tv and I am great at parties (when I can drag myself to one.) Still, not much else in terms of gain. 

Other unusual things I can’t or don’t quit: Having an exclusively black, white and red apartment/living space. It’s been over 25 years and 6 apartments the theme has endured.

I can’t seem to quit shopping – such a carefully curated closet. I have vintage items in it that have traveled with me for the last 30 years. Others that weren’t vintage to begin with but are now.

I also can’t quit certain people: I am still in contact with my very first boyfriend. I stopped talking to him for years but for the last few we are in contact. (Thanks Facebook.) Another ex – Chris of spritzing fame – I dated in ‘95 and after an over 20 year hiatus am now in contact with again. Lastly, my most recent evil ex – I have no interest in being with him because he is a horrible person – I still send little anonymous collages and messages to via snail mail. Little art projects. It was something I did lovingly through the 5+ years of our relationship. Now it is a habit I can’t quit. I don’t know it’s purpose. I try not to dwell on it because I know that if I ruminate on something, I find that hard to quit too.

I guess I may be super into long-term art projects -- sometimes conceptual ones -- but the art of quitting? Nope, haven’t really mastered it. 

***

What are some of the UNUSUAL things you can’t quit?

[randomstarmuffin]

Uhm! Oh snap. So I’m late on the draw, as per usual, but @thatgirlonstage tagged me in a thing! I’ve never actually done one of these before, and I feel kinda honored, so: here we go!

A - Age: 19 B - Biggest fear: Failure, probably, even though I really hate that that’s my answer (failure to do anything mostly, but not wanting to fail is itself a great motivator to never do anything, so. I’m working on it)

C - Current time: 12:43 AM 

D - Drink you had last: water E - Every day starts with: flopping around on my bed for a bit before resigning myself to getting up F - Favorite song: tough. I’ve kinda got many, but notably Weightless by All Time Low and basically everything by Sick Puppies (Maybe, Connect, White Balloons, Odd One, I guess I could go on and on, haha)

G - Ghosts, are they real: I kind of want them to be, but I could believe it going either way. I’m more inclined to say no though, if I had to give an answer.

H - Hometown: eh I’ll just go with Southern California, I guess I - In love with: hm. good fiction, stuff I can get lost in. OH lol I think I just finally understood why “getting lost in someone’s eyes” is so romantic xD J - Jealous of: charismatic people / people who have an easy time speaking to or with other people K - Killed someone: you know, K could be for Kindest thing done to you or Knickknack you own or, um, Kazoo. okay, huh. maybe K is kinda hard. anyway, N to the O. L - Last time you cried: in the middle of Baby Driver, and I’m pretty sure I was literally the only one crying in that theater, hah M - Middle name: thanks to my dad (and he will never live this one down) technically E. (yes, period included) N - Number of siblings: one brother O - One wish: heh y’know this used to be to fall in love but I think I was just desperately trying to cling to not being ace and mostly aro as well. maybe now instead of an SO i’ll wish for a QPP? P - Person you last called/texted: my best friend, about the haircut I just got Q - Question you’re always asked: “How are you doing?” which, okay, yes, is polite and all, and not a big deal, but most of the time it seems really, hm. impersonal? and also there’s the fact that you’re kind of supposed/expected to say yes, and that’s not always true, but saying no just gets so much attention, so then lying it is, and. ugh :/  Almost as bad as the “Soooo. Any boys in your life?????”   R - Reason to smile: new haircut! ‘tis an undercut! It’s probably the shortest it’s been since I was a baby :) S - Song last sang: uh I actually do not remember that, I constantly sing without really thinking about it but I know I was singing something really random and old and probably classic rock-y a few hours ago. T - Time you woke up: shoot, sometime around 6AM, though I fell back asleep until 9ish U - Underwear color: gray today V - Vacation destination: would love to go to Japan and Scotland, where my family’s from W - Worst habit: oof shoot picking and procrastination are both things I do as well, Tal. I’ll add for myself that I’m horribly indecisive. X - X-rays you’ve had: teeth Y - Your favorite food: popcorn :) or bread or rice or y’know, all the carbs. Z - Zodiac sign: Gemini

Welp, there I go rambling as I tend to do when I get to typing things late at night. Uh…I guess this is when I tag people? So…lol you know what I don’t have that many mutuals, I’m just going to go ahead and tag all y’all: @retinz, @rhondatherussian, @dizzybunnies, @zizzani, @ghost–fox, @klanceful, @starr65748, @looklingart, @lesbianjason if you’re interested? No worries at all if you’re not, though! Seriously, it’s just that I’m awkward but I’ve seen y’all around and sort of interacted with some of you and you’re cool cats and I’m bad about reaching out and all that jazz. Feel free to ignore the thing, but regardless thanks to everyone for putting up with all my disorganized reblogging :)

There you have it, I’m off to bed.

[boo-yu]

Rational v. Irrational (1)

Day 3. Can’t keep up with the writing already... 

Hate to turn this into a journal, but when you’re busy, it’s really hard.

I actually did not put too many hours today, because I did something else. I really appreciate this senior associate (probably gonna make partner this year); she passed lots of cases on to me and teaches me what to do and most importantly, spent time explaining basic process and basic terms. Wish I had done more work with her from the beginning.

So for days like this, I decided to type something whenever I have time on my phone and post it later the day. I guess this shall work even when I go travel.

In terms of achieving my daily goal, I ran with Bubu for about 15 mins and worked out for about 20 mins. This should be enough to gradually get me back in shape. I won’t be too harsh on myself, one month should be enough, but I will give myself 1.5 months. The more important part is eating. I must haven’t paid much attention to what I eat and had too much sweet and carbs; thus, it’s time to minimize processed carbs and sugar, try not to eat after 10 pm. Rest also plays an important role, so try to go to bed around 11:15 pm and read 15 mins. I guess this is something I can control, and the fact that I recovered from my injury would also help. 

It is hard to write about the bar exam and law school on top of this. My problem, for now, is that it is hard to pick up my thought process and keep working on it. Hope I can get better with constant practice interrupting myself and continuing without spending too much time recapping.

Back to the topic. I am amazed by myself sometimes: I can be so insensitive after I decided to give myself a break. This is different than before, and I didn’t realize why until I started thinking about it. I guess I put my hope on someone else while this time I am changing myself— something I cannot control versus something I can control.

Once again, I forgot why I picked this topic...And just remembered. I was updating my resume and realized everything could turn into an interview-liked scenario, but part of me refused to accept this idea in the situation like friendship/relationship. -- need to change the topic, otherwise, I can keep writing about all this. 

As for the highlight of the day: 

I feel lucky for having a friend who motivates me and supports me all the time. I received her emails out of sudden at noon, and they are all recruiters emails sending to her. Although not all positions are suitable for me, it helps me start the process. There is actually a position looks really good, and I am interested in applying. I need to thank her for looking after for me. But on the other hand, I think she felt guilty because she encouraged me to take initiative and take actions chasing D, while she saw me get hurt following her advice. Normally we do not talk about career planning that much (or maybe she knows I am lazy), but this time she sent me information. I guess the least I can do is to be happy and have everything under control. 

=== 

time to do some work and go to bed... This sucks, I can’t stick with the 11:30 going to bed plan (while feel I did not do anything).