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snarkysynonymroll · 5 years ago

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Philosopher’s Stone: Episode Two

McGonagall and Harry are in her classroom when Dumbledore walks in. McGonagall and Harry are deep in conversation as he approaches them.

McGonagall: (talking to Harry) So Wood will teach you the basics…

Dumbledore: (interrupting) Minerva?

McGonagall: (still talking to Harry) And your broom will be coming soon…

Dumbledore: (interrupting) Minerva? Knock, knock.

McGonagall: (to Dumbledore) I'm talking to Potter.

Dumbledore: I know you are. Knock, knock.

McGonagall: (to Harry) We’re going to go with a Nimbus 2000…

Dumbledore: Knock, knock!

Snape is walking by and notices them. Curious, he enters McGonagall’s classroom as well. McGonagall sighs and finally turns to Dumbledore.

McGonagall: (sighs) Who's there?

Dumbledore: Buddha.

McGonagall: Buddha who?

Dumbledore slaps a slice of bread and a stick of butter on McGonagall’s desk

Dumbledore: Buddha this bread for me, won't you?

Dumbledore and Snape laugh. The Camera zooms in on McGonagall’s unamused face.

McGonagall: Great.

Dumbledore: I, I need something to wipe my hand.

McGonagall: Now there's, there's butter on my desk.

Dumbledore: That was helping. It was classic.

Snape: I got a knock-knock joke.

Dumbledore: No... God.

Snape: Please, please, please, please, please let me.

Dumbledore: Alright.

Snape: Knock, knock.

Dumbledore: Who's there?

Snape: Death Eaters.

Dumbledore: Death Eaters Wh—

Before Dumbledore can finish, Snape slaps him on the face.

Snape: We will ask the questions!

Dumbledore: What the hell was that?

Dumbledore starts to slap Snape.

Snape: What are you doing? Stop it.

Dumbledore: You like that?

Dumbledore continues slapping Snape.

Snape: C'mon. Mine was a part of my hilarious joke.

Dumbledore: Mine was retribution. Ok. No more knock-knock jokes. That's it.

Harry: Ding Dong.

Dumbledore’s face lights up.

Dumbledore: (to Harry) Who's there?

Harry: Death Eaters.

Dumbledore: (to Snape) Snape, get the door.

Snape: I'm not answering it.

Dumbledore: Answer the door.

Harry: Ding dong.

Snape: No way, it's Death Eaters.

Harry: Ding dong.

Snape: I'm not answering that. You answer it.

Dumbledore: I'm not gonna answer it

Snape: I'm not gonna answer it, it's death eaters.

Harry slaps Snape in the face.

Harry: Death Eaters will wait for no one!

Dumbledore laughs. The Camera zooms in on Snape’s face.

Snape: It's true.

[Opening Credits - Upbeat music]

[Hogwarts: A Magical Workplace]

The Camera cuts to Dumbledore and Quirrell inside Dumbledore’s office. Dumbledore sits at his desk, and Quirrell sits in a chair across from him.

Dumbledore: Quirrell is sitting in my office. He has been a teacher here for a couple of weeks now, and he’s kind of gotten the lay of the land a little bit. And now he wants to know what I think.

Quirrell: T-t-the temp agency w-w-ants to know what you th-th-think…

Dumbledore: Shall we? FIrst up, proficiency in necessary skills. E-e-excellent!

The Camera cuts to Snape, lurking in the corridor outside Dumbledore’s office. He looks at the door longingly.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Snape.

Snape: Dumbledore’s in their right now evaluating the temp. He hasn’t evaluated me in years. Everyone thinks Quirrell is so great because he’s the Defense of the Dark Arts teacher, and he’s fought off vampires, and zombies.

Back in Dumbledore’s office, Dumbledore is still evaluating Quirrell.

Dumbledore: Five years from now, what do you want to do? Where do you want to be?

Quirrell: W-w-ell, I’m interested in-in l-le-leadership.

Dumbledore: Oh! Good. Ambitious. Excellent. Want to be a headmaster?

Quirrell: Uh, n-no actually, I w-want to r-r-rule the w-w-world…

Dumbledore: That is Riddikulus.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: (to Camera) Quirrell’s about to attend the Albus Dumbledore School of Leadership. I'm like Gandalf and Merlin rolled into one.

The Camera cuts back to Dumbledore and Quirrell.

Dumbledore: There are ten rules of leadership that you need to learn. Number one: You need to play to win. But... you also have to win to play.

Quirrell: G-got it.

Dumbledore: And…I will give you the rest of the ten at lunch.

The Camera cuts to Charms class, where Gryffindor students are attempting to use a spell to make a feather float through the air. Ron’s wand hovers above his feather as he recites the spell.

Ron: Wingardium Leviosa.

Nothing happens.

Ron: Why isn’t this stupid spell working.

Hermione: Well, maybe you should try looking into the smart part of your brain.

Ron looks at the Camera, annoyed.

The Camera cuts to interview with Ron

Ron: She’s smart. Talks to me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person. A little. Not super crazy... just... there's something about her that creeps me out. I can't really explain it. She’s always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for "being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me."

The Camera cuts back to Charms Class.

Hermione: You’re saying it wrong. It’s Wing-gar-dium Levi-o-sa.

Ron: No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.

Hermione: Fine. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship!

Hermione turns, lets out an angry yell and punches a hole in the wall. Everyone in the classroom stops working and looks at her in shock.

Hermione: That... was an overreaction… Gonna hit the bathroom.

Hermione runs away and hides in the girl’s bathroom.

After she leaves, Harry and Ron inspect the wall. Harry pokes at the hole.

Harry: Oh my God, that’s half-inch drywall.

Ron: I think we broke her brain.

The Camera cuts to the Great Hall where students and teachers are eating. An alarm goes off. Quirrell bursts into the hall and runs through the room.

Quirrell: Troll — in the dungeons — thought you ought to know.

Quirrell slumps to the floor in a dead faint.

Snape and McGonagall stand up.

Snape: Students!

McGonagall: Okay, everybody.

Snape: This is not a test. Prefects, lead your houses back to the dormitories.

Draco looks at the camera in alarm. The Camera cuts to an interview with Draco.

Draco: The Slytherin dormitory is in the dungeon…

The Camera cuts back to the Great Hall.

McGonagall: Do not panic.

Snape: Head towards your dorms.

McGonagall: Safety Partners.

Dumbledore gets up and runs out of the hall, pushing students aside to get through. The Camera follows him as he runs through the corridors to his office.

The Camera cuts back to the Great Hall as students and faculty start to shuffle out.

Snape: No, panic is warranted!

McGonagall: Go in single file lines.

Snape: This is not a drill!

The Camera cuts to Dumbledore standing outside his office. He looks at the camera sheepishly.

Dumbledore: Yes, I was the first one out. And, yes, I've heard women and children first. But, I believe treating students like adults. And, uh, women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.

Later, Dumbledore and Snape are in Dumbledore’s office.

Dumbledore: How did a troll accidentally get into Hogwarts?

Snape: It would appear someone let it in.

Dumbledore: Who would do that?

The Camera cuts to an interview with Fred and George.

Fred: What? We did not do that.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Quirrell. Quirrell is barely able to stifle his laughter.

Quirrell: It wasn’t me! Um..it wasn’t me.

Quirrell regains his composure.

Quirrell: It was not me.

The Camera cuts back to Dumbledore’s office. There’s a knock at the door, and McGonagall enters, followed by Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

McGonagall: These three were found taking on the troll in a bathroom.

Dumbledore: You took on the troll? And won?

Harry: Yes.

McGonagall: What on earth were you thinking?

The Camera cuts to an interview with Harry

Harry: We found ourselves on the, less prepared side of things when the troll went bezerk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do.

The Camera cuts back to Dumbledore’s office.

Snape: I’ll go take care of the troll.

Snape leaves.

Dumbledore: (to Quirrell) Okay, yes another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations.

Quirrell: Yeah.

Dumbledore: Adapt. React. Re-adapt. Act. All right? That's rule number two.

The Camera cuts to Interview with Quirrell.

Quirrell: (To Camera) I don't want to be like "a guy" here. You know? Like, Snape is the "creepy goth guy". And McGonagall has cats. I don't want to have a thing... here. You know, I don't want to be the "something guy".

The Camera cuts back to Dumbledore’s office

Dumbledore: Okay, so 10 points to Gryffindor.

McGonagall: Should we really be rewarding them for doing something so reckless?

Dumbledore: Did I stutter?

The door opens and Snape returns, laughing.

Dumbledore: Snape, what is it?

Snape: Apparently in Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons, they don’t teach you how to lock a door because some smart, sexy temp left the dungeon unlocked so the troll could get in!

Dumbledore: Wow. Okay. Well, I guess they don't teach how to lock a door in Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons.

Snape: That's exactly what I said.

Dumbledore: Hey, did you miss that day there, Quirrell?

Snape: Were you absent?

Quirrell: I am so-so-so sorry.

Snape: We should call him “Troll Guy”

The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: Hey! I know what'll impress everybody, I'll let a troll in the dungeon. Bad idea, man. Bad idea.

The Camera cuts to an interview with Quirrell.

Quirrell: I can't believe I let the troll in.

The Camera cuts back to Dumbledore and Quirrell

Dumbledore: Okay. Rule five - safety first, i.e. don't let a troll into the school. Okay? That should be a no brainer.